FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE HOW TO BANK ON ITS SUCCESS

The First Year of Marriage: How to Bank on its Success

Investing in your relationship from the get-go will reap big rewards

BY JENNIFER C. FRAKES

There’s nothing like that feeling of walking down the aisle with your new spouse, just married, surrounded by everyone closest to you. Celebrating your union at the reception is a wonderful time and all your planning and efforts were so worth it. The honeymoon gives you both time to relax and enjoy each other.

Then real life begins, as you make a home and a life together. With the newness and excitement the first year of marriage brings, with it can come many challenges. As much as you worked on the wedding, your marriage will need constant attention.

It may not be the most romantic way to look at it, but think of your marriage as a bank, or a company with you and your spouse equally in charge. “Show up as your best self for your spouse, not just for your co-workers and friends,” said Heather Raznick, MSW, LCSW, at Psychotherapy Specialists. “Plan for talks between the two of you as you would think of a board meeting, with you two the copresidents of your marriage,” Raznick said. Investing time and effort into the following areas will increase your chances of a happy and successful partnership.

REALISTIC PROJECTIONS

“I was so excited to play house,” Claire Lillis remembered upon return from her honeymoon. “But, it’s real life, not play. It was difficult because before when we would get in a fight or disagree, I would vent to my two best girlfriends, who had been my roommates. So when Dave and I would see each other or talk the next time it was easier, because the situation had been diffused. When you are living with someone it’s much different. The person you want to vent about is the person living with you!”

The idealized picture of marriage some newlyweds have can come to a screeching halt. “In the first year, the lust wears off and reality sets in,” Raznick said. Couples often have an expectation that the excitement is going to stay at this high level. There may be some ‘magical thinking’ going on-that it will always be blissful, and that you are the unique couple that will always stay like this.”

Laura Schneider was also eager to move into the new house she and her new husband had

purchased together before the wedding. “It was great-we worked on the house together and everything was ours, not mine or his,” Schneider said. “But after two months, the realities begin to set in. Who does the laundry? Who is in charge of grocery shopping and cooking? Do I really have to dust and vacuum? We eventually made a chore chart together and both began to feel like we had fair shares in the responsibilities of owning a home.”

Often couples don’t think about the practical matters of day-to-day living before sharing a home. “When you first marry, you are defining your personality as a couple, as a young family,” said Bryan Thorson, MSW, LCSW of Thorson Therapy, LLC. “’Who’s doing what?’” is a sit-down conversation couples need to have as early as possible.”

Schneider also learned some things about herself as a roommate. “I’ve been surprised at the things I have had to let go, with my perfectionist behaviors. The bed does not have to be impeccably made--at least he tried. You have to learn to not be bothered by the little stuff. In the big scheme of things, ask yourself: does this really matter?”

Looking back, Aaron Reinberg said, “I think it’s important to be a realist about relationships. It is challenging to move past the honeymoon phase and into everyday life.” It was some of her beloved’s living habits that she needed to get used to, or at least not take as a personal affront. “He will leave the toilet seat up, ‘forget’ to take out the trash, leave dishes in the sink… the list goes on. But it’s helpful to remember that 99.9% of the time it is NOT because he doesn’t love you. That phrase is my mantra.”

BALANCING THE BOOKS

Along with the “Who does what?” question regarding household duties, there is the “How much money do we have and how are we going to manage it?” question. “The first year of marriage is often the first year of major investments, such as a new home or car,” Thorson said. “In addition to the daily finances, bills and credit cards. These are some important financial matters couples should discuss to prevent any unpleasant surprises.”

Colleen Harrison suggested something she and her husband started doing a little later than she probably would have preferred—planning a time once a week to pay bills together. “Have a set time to pay bills together so that both parties truly understand the money coming in and going out,” Harrison said. “Trying to start that three years into a marriage is too late and one party bears the burden of all the monetary stress!”

INTERNAL COMMUNICATIONS

This is perhaps the part of your “business” that has the most impact on all the other departments-how often and in what manner you talk to each other. Getting back to that board meeting between you and your spouse, Raznick said couples should set aside time each week to talk. “Do an assessment— what’s working and what’s not working? Troubleshooting gives hope, rather than misery. Use this talk to hit the reset button if you need to,” said Raznick.

Thorson emphasized that the communication should not only happen, but happen in a constructive way. Some rules that you may have heard before, but bear repeating: “No name-calling or character assassination,” Thorson said. “Also, try to start your statements with “I feel” rather than “you”—it removes the blame so your spouse won’t feel so defensive.” Thorson said that just like your job, marriage requires daily work and focus.

PROBLEM SOLVING

Lack of communication can lead to a crisis, or at least make a small issue snowball into a bigger one. That’s why you need to schedule regular talks with your partner like you would put a doctor’s appointment on the calendar.

Thinking of the big picture has helped Schneider when she and her husband hit a rough patch. “You will learn how you handle difficult times that will define your marriage--will you get up and leave? Tell him you never should have married? Or do you stay and say ‘I’m sorry’ because it was the person you made a vow to. For better or worse, right? Marriage gives you a sense of security, a best friend, and the biggest blessing of all... a person to love who loves you just as much.” Even when you may be mad them.

It can be very difficult to resolve conflict when things get emotional, Thorson said. “But conflict will happen. Some people would rather avoid that attempt to resolve conflicts. It’s O.K. to leave it for a bit and come back when you have a cooler head, but it won’t go away on its own,” said Thorson.

And even if you aren’t arguing, life can throw you some curveballs, as Monica Pelham remembered. “We had a few rough events in our first six months-- a flooded basement, a home break-in, a totaled car,” Pelham said. “This was all with my husband in a new, commission-based job and me in medical school with lots of student loans. It was difficult at the time, but looking back we now think, ‘If we could make it through all that, we can make it through anything.’”

MAKING REGULAR DEPOSITS

Now you and your spouse are a unit. But with that, “Your time is now under scrutiny-separate time, together time, recreation time, household roles and responsibilities,” Raznick said.

Newlywed Schneider and her husband are trying to strike the balance of doing activities they both enjoy together, while valuing each other’s independent time as well. “I like meeting up with my girlfriends after work on Fridays and he plays in baseball and basketball leagues,” Schneider said. “I’ve taken up golf, or I’d be single for the summer,” she joked. “It’s important to let the other person do what they enjoy.”

Edie Paine’s first year of marriage is a time she recalls fondly and wishes she would have appreciated more then. “I didn’t realize it would go so quickly. The first year of marriage flew by. We bought a house and Jason started a new job. I remember thinking, ‘We should enjoy this first year, and travel and do a lot of things together we might not be able to do later.’ But I started to get anxious about our ages and having kids. I regret that we didn’t do more together before having children to solidify our coupledom. My advice to newlyweds these days would be, if possible, wait until your second anniversary to start expanding your family.”

Now a mother of two young children. Colleen Harrison agreed. “Know that if you are going to have kids, now is the only time for the two of you together, so cherish it! Appreciate date nights because once you have kids they are hard to fit in, but also a necessity,” Harrison said.

“Don’t stop dating after marriage,” Raznick advised. “Maybe your husband used to really scope out the best restaurant for you two to go to, and now you pick up a chicken from Sam’s for dinner.” That’s fine sometimes, but not all the time. “One of marriage’s appeals is that it is safe and secure -you connect in a reliable, dependable and predictable way,” said Raznick. “But that is not sexy or novel. You need to find ways to inject excitement and specialness into your relationship.”

This is especially where you can think of your marriage as a personal bank account, that requires regular deposits to keep the account active and healthy. Thorson explained: “Deposits are rapport-building interactions with each other. If the withdrawals outdo the deposits, what is there to draw from?”

CHECKING IN

A skilled businessperson is continually negotiating and renegotiating to better the bottom line. Similarly, your marriage is an everevolving, ongoing process. “No couple is perfect, nor will they ever be,” Raznick said. “If you put a whole lot into it, you will get a whole lot out of it. Focus on each other and don’t take each other for granted.”

And finally, there is nothing wrong with outsourcing if you need to. The first year of marriage is a big adjustment and a professional, licensed therapist can help you navigate through it and all the years to come. ♥