MOSAIC MINDS ISSUE 1 by Mosaic Minds Magazine

the mental issue april/may 2017

TABLE OF CONTENTS

From the Founder’s Desk

INTERVIEWS:

PAGE:

STACY

4-5

NATALIE

6-9

KRISTINE

10 - 13

OLA

16 - 21

22 - 25

JASMINE Thank you for picking up a copy of “Mosaic Minds.” You are now holding not just a collection of interviews and pictures, but memories and stories encapsulated in time. Whether you know it or not, this was all for you. A year ago, I was just learning how to embrace my identity as a writer and creative. Prior to this acceptance, I always felt like I had to live two lives: professional career-chaser by day, passionate about art by night. I fell into the trap of only creating when there was time to, putting my various interests on hold until my goals were reached. I couldn’t have been the only one who has felt this way.

26 - 29 ART:

ZEKE

14 - 15

HUMA

Fortunately, that time is over. This project has gone under the radar for many years and in many different forms. I’m finally ready to tackle the challenges head on. I was always told that my blog, my poems, my visuals – anything I consider my life’s work really – were all disorganized and would never go anywhere if I didn’t find a place for them. But that’s just the thing. I didn’t find a place for my creative vision because there was no one particular place for it. My mind was everywhere because I wanted it to be. Everything I made was a moment of my life that did not belong in a box or filed away somewhere – Life was too short to experience something and promptly forget about it. I figured if there was no place made for me, I had to make my own. I think it is true that we live in an era where we feel violated by so many things. We are constantly told we have free speech but judged and even scrutinized just for straying from societal norms. Sometimes our very existence is enough of a differentiating factor to alienate us from the very values we believe in. That’s why this space is for you as much as it is for me. I invite you to make time for what you love, during a time where we don’t often feel loved. This is a space for community, collaboration, and embracing diversity of the mind. So again, thank you for what you’ve done. You are holding a piece of each person that took the time to open up and help turn this dream into a reality. You are holding some of my proudest work, and I hope that you are not only engaged by the end of it, but that this is only the beginning of our journey together. I hope you come back for more every time a new issue is released. I hope someday you also find the courage to share with the world the beautiful intricacies of your own mind. With love, REAL

Cover photo: shot by REAL at Philadelphia Magical Garden, summer 2016

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Stacy: I’ve always had low selfesteem, and it started when I was a kid. I was always compared to my older cousin who was valedictorian and always doing this cool shit. My mom and dad would always ask me why I couldn’t be more like her. She was more math-sciencehistory, and I was more arts-musicenglish. I went to an all-girls school. I bombed most of my high school career. I went to concerts. I had such high expectations placed on me and I purposefully made myself not meet them to piss my parents off...I’m stubborn. Then I went to college and had my first boyfriend. He made me do things when I wasn’t ready. He hated my music tastes and pretty much everything that I liked that made me who I am. Then in January 2013, he cheats on me with his ex girlfriend and I was like, “Good to know I’m worth nothing to you!” A piece of me died that day and it’s still dead.

STACY MAGALLON

R: What was it like after that? S: My best friend comforted me. I knew he liked me and he kind of used that to work his way into my heart. We dated for two years. At the end of 2014, he lost his job. We were doing long distance at the time and he’s one of those people who bases their happiness on their productivity. If he didn’t have a job, he didn’t feel like he was doing anything. It reflected a lot on me. I’m very emotionally and physically needy, but he’s a Scorpio so he would hide himself away from me a lot. It hit my self esteem pretty hard because I would ask myself, “Why do the people I love treat me so poorly?” We fought for a year and I found him on Tinder. The worst thing he said to me was when I said “I’m your girlfriend!” and he responded with “You’re not.” R: Ouch. S: Yeah. He also had so many girl friends and because I didn’t feel

R: Did you believe those things about yourself? S: The things I tell myself now are things I couldn’t possibly tell myself last year because I was so in love with him, I would always let go of everything he said to me. My friendship with him was so important but it took me a year to realize there was no friendship there. So I spent the last year anxious and depressed. Anxious and depressed to feel better and be better because all of my self worth was in the hands of this guy, and come to find out, he ain’t shit. R: (interjecting) Damn! (snaps all around) S: No woman, no person, should be spoken to like that. Especially by someone you’ve been seeing for three and a half years. R: How did you start working to get past those feelings? S: I started therapy in November so I can get through my depression and anxiety. I couldn’t get through a day without wondering “Are we gonna fight today? Am I gonna feel insecure and worthless today?” I love my therapist so much. She’s helping me realize I can accomplish things with or without a guy. I had started therapy because of him, because he told me we were breaking up if I didn’t. But then I realized I should be there for me and not to save us.

worth and what my value is. My friends didn’t like him at all but I always wanted to make him better. I lost myself in that process. I know now that I shouldn’t give more pieces of myself to someone who doesn’t treasure them. I’m not the girl who comes back to you after you realize what you’ve lost. R: Is there anything else that kept you going or still does? S: When I was in school, I was working full-time on the Campus. It’s so hard to create art when you feel like you can’t do it...But at the same time, you have to do it, because that’s all you can hang onto. The Campus was definitely my outlet for myself. It was the way I proved others, and myself, wrong. Other than that...Have I ever told you about my boyfriend, Louis? R: (laughing) I’m glad you’re doing a lot better now. S: It’s so nice to feel the happiness I feel right now! I’m killing it at work and getting exposure. My boyfriend validates me and treats me like a queen. My friends are fucking killing it too. When you’re depressed, it makes these moments, the good ones, seem much more alive than they actually are. I’m thankful for the anxiety attacks and episodes, as much as they suck, because I can look back and see how much I’ve grown. For my ex, I had to dim myself down and shine less. I shouldn’t have to dumb myself down to cater to someone else.

R: What would you say is your biggest triumph in your journey towards better mental health awareness? S: I think my biggest triumph mentally is that I had to let someone toxic go in order to love myself more. It took me so long to know what my

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validated, I would feel some type of way when he liked their photos and not mine. I let my jealousy show but he always dismissed it instead of confronting it. And when it wasn’t jealousy, it would be that I’m so eccentric and outgoing that he would find me embarrassing in public.

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N: I remember when I was in high school people used to love my nails. I used to have them so long. I would file them down and have a different nail color every week. But these days I’m so stressed and anxious I always bite my nails. After I had my first panic attack, I stopped taking care of my nails. It was the summer before freshman year I had my first boyfriend and he was two years older than me. I went to his college for his birthday to surprise him, and this was my first college party. The only people I knew were my boyfriend and his cousins. R: It was an intimidating experience, I bet. N: I already felt distant that whole day. It was funny because I thought he understood my anxiety and everything, I felt like out of all people, he did. But I felt alone the entire party. It was a two story house filled with white people dancing badly. I didn’t know anything, I didn’t even know how to play beer pong, It got really frustrating because I knew no one. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how I looked, I didn’t know if people knew me – like did anyone even know I was his girlfriend?

NATALIE DELA CRUZ

R: Was that when you started to feel anxious? N: Kind of. His friends tried to get me to be a little more active and social but I just didn’t know how. So then my chest got heavy. I didn’t know what I was doing. I drank three sips of beer before I decided to go to the bathroom. I just laid down on the bathroom floor and started hyperventilating, and thought of songs I knew to calm myself down. I started singing 1985 by Bowling for Soup because oddly enough I will never forget any of the lyrics to that song. So I’m sitting here singing and crying at the same time because I’m shaking and I know I’m supposed to be out there and having fun and help

R: What were you thinking about at the time that worried you the most? N: I wasn’t doing a good job at being a college kid. And I’m going off to a school where I know no one in an area I haven’t been in a long time. And If I can’t handle this, how am I going to deal with being in college alone? How am I going to go to a place where I know no one? I kept getting more nervous so I let the cold air from the bottom of the door hit me and I stayed there for a while staring at the ceiling. All this anxiety came towards me. After thirty minutes, I felt better. And I went out and sat down outside and smoked a cigarette. I think that summer is what triggered me to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, which is not very good at all because I wasn’t a hard smoker to begin with. R: Did you eventually talk to him about how you felt? N: No, I went to his room and slept without him because I was like “You’re busy, I’m not gonna bother you.” But at the same time I felt really bad because I felt like he could have at least asked how I was doing. After that, I made it my mission to never feel like that again because I didn’t want to feel helpless and don’t wanna be that person who can’t go to parties. I want to be that person who does everything and doesn’t let anything get in their way. So I think now it’s what definitely drove me to join all this District III* stuff and everything because I’m forcing myself to talk to people. I’m forcing myself to be in front of large crowds, and forcing myself to do the things that I didn’t think I could do. R: Do you still have similar experiences now, even though you’ve gotten more social over time? N: Every now and then at par-

ties, I put my 100% in being around people, and 180% being on, but there’s times where it gets really overwhelming and hard. Sometimes it feels overwhelming to be myself in a sense because I’m doing the most, I’m doing everything I can to talk to people but that little point where it gets hard to be ‘Natalie’, to be the most I can be. So when people tell me “all I can think about is you being fun and full of life” I’m just like “it’s very tiring to do the things I do and be 100% all the time.” So during parties I go by myself. I’ll find a closet, I’ll go outside, and I’ll just sit by myself for thirty minutes. People will wonder where I am, and people would be like “Natalie is a party pooper” or “she is no fun, she’s taking a nap” but honestly I need those thirty minutes to recuperate. In those 30 minutes I feel so much sadness in contrast to all the excitement I felt the entire day and the love I’ve given. I took those 30 minutes from me because if I don’t I’m gonna start feeling anxious again or falling back into those situations where I can’t control. So every now and then I’ll just sing a little 1985 and see if that calms me down. At the end of the day I know I have to be the first person to help myself. R: Do you feel like you’ve imrpoved since then now that you’re more active about recognizing your mental health? N: I think I’ve gotten so much better but I still have those moments where I’m like “Ehh.” R: What’s your opinion on how people perceive social anxiety? N: People overlook social anxiety. People go straight into depression and things like that. But I think social anxiety is a minimal, good baby step into the big cloud of mental health. I think people need to recognize social anxiety more. I think about other things regarding mental health, especially with

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celebrate but at the same time I was like “Is this what college is gonna be like?”

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myself. I’ve looked into personality disorders and mental health disorders and it just opened my eyes more. It made me realize “These are reasons why I do these things.” It’s not because I’m weird, crazy, or a bad person. I feel like with mental health there’s always a plateau but I can’t reach that plateau. And discovering more about mental health and everything gives me some insight on why I can’t reach that plateau. It’s not my fault. There’s only so much I can do at that point. A lot of times, even with my family, I’ve brought up “oh I think I have this” or “I think I want to see a therapist” and things like that. They’ve never supported me. They would be like “You’re not crazy, so you don’t need help.” I know I’m not crazy. I just need a little help, a little push here and there. It’s not like I’m not beautiful or pretty or I’m not funny, it’s just I need a little help with getting day to day things done. Some days are good days, some days are bad. I think it’s worth it to recognize those things at first. I haven’t gotten treated for anything, but I know I have some boundaries and that’s important. R: Is there something you would want to know more about if you had the resources to? N: I definitely want to know more about those personality disorders I looked into. Looking into those things is very hard. There’s a little voice inside that’s like, “If you do have these things and have this personality disorder, are you going to continue the things that you love doing on a daily basis? Are you going to continue the work you are going to do? Are you going to continue to work with other people?” That’s a very hard thing for me to think about because I love the work I do with D3, I love the people, and that’s what makes me the happiest. That’s definitely been the A1 to my college experience as far as getting

over my social anxiety. At the same time, if I start looking into things that actually might be reasons I can’t accomplish the things I can’t, or the reasons why I can’t overcome that plateau, then that’s super scary to me. R: Are there certain things that you know for a fact cause your anxiety more than others? N: It’s very narcissistic and self-interested to say but I think the main thing to overcome my social anxiety is I have to make myself the life of the party. I have to be the center of attention, people have to look at me and be like “Oh shit, she’s the bomb! She’s a baddie.” I think that’s what really helps me not have anxiety in social situations – me being the leader or being the head or the important person because if I’m not then I’m in the background. I’m constantly wondering what people are thinking of me. Why do I have to stay in this conversation when I’m one of the people not leading it? How am I contributing? Should I drink or not drink? I don’t know how to react. I guess it’s the scariest thing because if I’m not in charge I can’t handle the situation. Especially if I don’t know anyone there, or if I don’t know the people there, it’s strange to think that I can’t handle myself so if I am not at the extreme of taking control of the situation and being that person that everyone wants to see or hang out with, then that’s really scary. I mean I haven’t had that situation recently because I have friends who hype me up now...and I’m lucky to have a supportive ass squad with me everywhere I go. But it’s scares me to go places without them. It’s like losing my hype man. Without a hype man, I don’t know anyone. I am alone.

easier to talk about things, like the party thing. I didn’t tell anyone that until a week ago. I told one friend and they came to check up on me. The text was like “I’m overwhelmed by sadness and paralyzed by it.” Last week I told more people at a retreat and the first round was complimenting each other. People would compliment me saying, “Natalie, you bring this overwhelming amount of sunshine and fun to anything you do.” So I followed up with the fact that I have super high anxiety and need to take rest so I think it opened up people’s eyes about me and I think it’s making it easier for me to talk to people about it. You want to trust people but if you find people you trust it’s better to tell them so they can help you recognize things. There have been so many people in my life I confided in coming out of high school, and they were always passive about it. They’d always say, “No, you’re fine” and it hurts me more because I feel like they’re not listening to me. One of the most important things is to tell people. It doesn’t have to be something like “I’m suffering,” more like little things here and there. It helps make people more aware. No one can recognize the signs if they aren’t told what to look for. Also, finding your comfort zone is one of the most important things. You have to know your own boundaries. That way, if people cross them you can communicate when you don’t feel comfortable. If you understand your own problems, then you can be your own first aid. You have to be on the ball for you. You are your own guardian and first responder. •

R: For people that are struggling with mental health, what would you want to tell them from sharing your own experiences? N: Obviously talk to someone. It doesn’t have to be professional, it could be your friend. For me it’s

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KRISTINE GADDI

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R: How did you start becoming aware of this disorder? Was it a gradual process or more like a sudden change? K: There was this one time in June/ July of 2013, I was in the car with my parents and all of a sudden my mom snaps at me, because I said I wasn’t hungry. She freaked out. She said, “You’re not eating, you lost a lot of weight, you’re too skinny, you look like you’re sick.” Then she said, “We’re gonna hold you down and send you to a hospital if you don’t eat.” But at that point I didn’t think I looked any different. I was shrouded. I didn’t know what I was doing was bad. I thought exercising 6 hours a day was normal. I thought that’s what normal people do. I realized it was a problem at my brother’s birthday. My mom made me eat a piece of cake and I cried. I just went straight to my room and sobbed. I started to have signs of binging. I knew I needed help. I knew I was sick when I wanted to stay sick. R: Was stress a result of the disorder or a reason why it started? K: I didn’t get into the college of my choice, and one way to cope with it was exercising. I thought my body would follow through. At first I loved running. I loved sports. Exercising made me feel invincible. Everytime I saw the number drop, I thought “Oh my god, I’m winning!” But it got to the point I didn’t remember a lot of my days except weighing myself every hour. R: Did you ever do anything to track your progress, or outlet those emotions towards your situation? K: I wrote for Thought Catalog for a bit. I wrote an article about dealing with an eating disorder. I wrote that article when I was going through the process of recovery - I was going through it but my heart wasn’t in it enough. I re-

member not knowing what I would write about because there’s so many nuances to having an eating disorder. It’s hard to make anyone understand how the mind works with that kind of stuff. I knew I wanted a silver lining. The first part of it focused on the darker, nitty-gritty stuff then I would transition into a juxtaposition of the past and present. R: Did anyone else other than your parents notice the signs? K: One time, my best friend and I had dinner and she confronted me about it. But she didn’t know how to, because how do you? I kept telling her I was fine. I didn’t realize that eating less than 400500 calories a day wasn’t healthy. I didn’t realize how much I actually hated how I looked at the time. I didn’t research any of this. I thought I was a fitness guru, an inspiration to myself. But to be honest, I was weak. I didn’t hang out with my friends. I didn’t want to go out to eat or drink. I didn’t want to lose my abs. I thought to myself, am I going to look back on my late teens/early twenties and say “What did I do that was worth it? What did I do that made me happy? Do I want to live this way?” And I said no, I don’t. That’s what motivated me. I wanted to be successful. But I still thought recovery would be easy, which was the hardest part. I lost my period for ten months. My bones were so brittle I was at risk for osteoporosis. R: You’ve mentioned to me before that you prefer doing it [recovery and selfcare] all on your own. No therapy. Why is that? K: Well, every experience I’ve had with a therapist has been bad. Sometimes they would tell me to set another goal as soon as I finished one (with exercise and eating), and it felt like I was being pressured to follow their timeline or standards. At the same time I don’t think recovery is possible without a therapist. If you have the courage to find help, then that’s just more power to you.

called “Paradise.” But one of my most favorite songs ever is off their album Ghost Stories, called “Always in My Head.” It’s not their most well received album.

“ I think about everything I can do tomorrow or do today that I can be proud of. ”

K: I have body dysmorphia. So I see something different in the mirror everyday. It affects what clothes I wear, if I decide to go out, how I look at other people.

R: To be honest, I would’ve never guessed this is something you struggled with and it makes me happy to see you doing so well. The fact you can even open up about this time of your life, you know? K: Yeah the fact that I could eat whatever I want without thinking is a great thing. I mean it never fully goes away, I still think about it sometimes, but I know from even today, I grew a lot. It’s a lot of fighting, a lot of pushing, a lot of tearing. A lot of anger. I would think, “Why couldn’t I just be a person who just enjoys eating?” Then I realized this is probably something genetic. But I feel better now. I struggle more now with anxiety and depression than an eating disorder. R: I guess it’s hard to know when those voices turn on and you turn off. K: I know when it happens. But recognizing it is the first step. R: What are some things you do when you feel the onset of negative body image? K: I think of all the things I’ve accomplished that would’ve been impossible without eating. I change my perspective on food and think of eating as fuel. If I feel uncomfortable or too full, I learn to sit with it, because it will pass. I think about everything I can do tomorrow or do today that I can be proud of. I think about how it’s not worth a relapse. Singing, taking a walk, not staying inside and moping. There’s so much you can do to change your outlook. •

R: What music do you listen to when you’re feeling low or need some encouragement? K: Coldplay. There’s a song I really like

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art by zeke weber (@zekeweber)

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O L A T U N D E O L A

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O: It was in college, my second year. I was rooming with a guy who seemed a little bit odd. I was like “Alright, cool, he’s weird. Everybody’s a little bit weird in their own ways, and I’m a little weird, so why not.” A few weeks go by and I notice there’s something odd about him. I start asking people more about him, if they know if he has a problem or something. They just said “Yeah, he’s like that.” We barely talked. Only when we introduced ourselves on Move-In Day. Apart from that, we didn’t talk, and the room was divided down the middle. I stayed in my corner and he stayed in his. R: So what happened? O: One day, there was a smell coming from his side of the room. Because we didn’t talk, I wrote a letter, single-spaced. When he was in class, I put it on top of his pillow and left. When I got back, he didn’t address that he got the note. It just said, “I noticed there’s a smell coming from your side. I was wondering if it’s because you haven’t showered recently.” I didn’t mean to scrutinize him, it was all out of concern and the fact it was winter and I didn’t want to keep leaving the window open. I woke up the next weekend with his dad in my room saying he had to talk to me. They came up from NYC to talk to me about the letter I wrote. They were angry, but I didn’t know what was going on. Then they told me he has Asperger’s, a mild form of autism. I felt like it’s something that should have been mentioned prior to us moving in together. I didn’t know anything about Asperger’s and I felt like a jerk but it wasn’t my fault. I was put in an odd circumstance where I’m supposed ot take care of him, but I didn’t know how to. I felt like despite everything I did after, there was nothing I could do because I couldn’t relate, I wasn’t like him. I felt like he was an alien around me. R: Were you upset to find out in this way?

O: I felt like it’s something that should have been mentioned prior to us moving in together. I didn’t know anything about Asperger’s and I felt like a jerk for writing the letter, but it wasn’t my fault. After his dad spoke to me, I was put in an odd circumstance where I was supposed to take care of him, but I didn’t know how to. I felt like despite everything I did after, there was nothing I could do because I couldn’t relate. I wasn’t like him. I felt like he was an alien around me. I had to be so sensitive about what I said or did around him. I couldn’t have friends in my room because I was afraid he would become agitated. Most of the time, I ended up sleeping at a friend’s room. The weekends he wasn’t there, I would try to clean up both our sides. It felt like I was a caretaker. It kind of just fell on me. I didn’t ask to be put in this situation but I wasn’t given a choice and it was really awkward. R: So how did that affect your views on mental health? O: I had a really negative view. I felt paralyzed, like I always had to walk on eggshells. I couldn’t be myself around my roommate. Personally, when someone is in a sense disabled or mentally impaired, I start feeling like I can’t be me and I just have to do what it takes to make sure they’re comfortable. I don’t always know what to do but I make myself invisible. R: Do you know anyone with autism personally? O: I have a cousin who has a child who is autistic. When I met them, I felt like I had to put up a front. I didn’t know how to interact with the kid. That’s kind of why I feel that there is not enough information for people who don’t deal with that on a regular basis. If I have to encounter something like that, I want to know what to do so I don’t feel this way. R: Would you say that if people were more informed on a regular basis, mental health would be easier to deal with?

O: Definitely. I feel like there has to be a way for regular people to transition and interact normally. If not, the autistic community will continue to be isolated. People have to be informed. R: Would you say that if people were more informed ona regular basis, mental health would be easier to deal with? O: Definitely. I feel like there has to be a way for regular people to transition and interact normally. If not, the autistic community will continue to be isolated, But they have to be informed. It’s not like there’s a course in college you can take to learn how to interact with communities like this. And I genuinely wanted to help but I didn’t know what to do and I always ended up feeling helpless or that I’ll offend people, like how I offended my roommate and his family. R: There is definitely a communication barrier when it comes to mental illnesses. You don’t always see direct physical representations of a person’s mental state. O: Yeah. R: Is there something you’d want to improve on in your own way? To positively change an experience like that? O: If I could meet more autistic people and learn how to get comfortable around them, I think I’d be fine with that. But because it’s so rare and even frowned upon, it makes it more difficult to have a relationship with people who struggle with problems like this. I would walk a day in their shoes so I could understand better and learn from it. I see a lot of shows on TV that portray issues like autism or schizophrenia, but I know that if I met one in real life, I don’t think I’d recognize it right away or interact correctly.

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â&#x20AC;&#x153;I would walk a day in their shoes so I could understand better and learn from it.â&#x20AC;? 20

D. J. COSTANTINO

R: So your family has had a huge impact on the way you prioritize things and perceive what’s important to you. What else do you feel affects your daily motivation? DJ: I started going to therapy my junior year which was also the first year I was out on my own for real. I wasn’t at a dorm, I was at my own apartment with my friends. Basically, I’m trying to work with it. I was diagnosed with dysthymia, which is a moderate depression. Which means my baseline is lower than everyone else’s. It takes a little extra push. I don’t what it is to live in someone else’s head, but I know what it is to live in my own head. I feel as if I need a push for myself and I learned to work with it. I’ve been doing a lot better than I used to do. But it’s still there and it pops up every now and then and flares up and it’s hard. It’s a struggle. I’m finally at a point in my life, being done with school, I feel a little more rounded. I’m learning to deal with myself, my mental and emotional state, trying to keep it in check. It’s been very beneficial to me. R: Do you still go therapy, or is that something you did for a little bit? DJ: I went from January 2015 to March of this year (2016). It was every week. And I stopped because I got busy trying to graduate, and the times she had for me between my class and work schedule was the most inconvenient time ever. It was stressful to get there, and I was mad when I got there and made it worse. I would have to get back to school and finish assignments. It was in between two classes and right after work. It was work, class, therapy, class. I’m thinking of going back because post-grad life has been an adjustment so far, not knowing what the future holds. I don’t have school to fall back on anymore. R: Is there a certain image you think about when people talk about mental health? DJ: People don’t take it seriously. Especially for me, I feel weird telling people that because people take it lightly. My mental health problems aren’t even as serious as others... And people don’t take the worse ones seriously at all, so why would they take mine seriously? It’s not a constant problem for me but it’s there. I could feel it. People think it’s weakness. I think for me, what I had to go through growing up has given me more strength than anything. It’s harder for people with mental health issues to do anything compared to the average person. R: What would you do to convince people otherwise about that image? DJ: Talking about it. A lot of people don’t talk about it because they don’t want to be seen as weak. They don’t want people to pity them. One thing my family never wanted after my brother passed was pity. We didn’t want people to come and say sorry.

R: What does DJ stand for? DJ: Dominic Joseph Constantino. R: Let’s talk. Is there something you feel like you’ve always wanted to share but never had the chance to? DJ: I don’t come from a wealthy family at all. Some people assume that I did but we’ve always been very working class. My entire upbringing was a real struggle for my parents. We moved from Brooklyn to New Jersey for school because my parents didn’t want to put me in NY public schools in the 90’s so we left Park Slope. It was my parents, me, and my little brother Jesse. He passed away in an accident when I was five, and he was two. My parents were grieving the whole time and I kind of had to grow up fast. Being exposed to that kind of thing shaped my motivations and made me the person I am now. I grew up with that whole grieving process going on with my parents, and my dad, in 2004 or 5, got laid off. He was a teacher at City Tech. This was five years after my brother died. This type of stuff never goes away. You adapt to it and you move on from it but it never goes away. It can never be replaced or remedied either. R: What are some ways you’ve learned to deal with loss? How do you adapt? DJ: You have to find things to fill that hole. That’s why my dad is creative with his endeavors and he always tries new hobbies. Not so much a distraction but to keep your life meaningful. We moved again in 2006, and I was 13 at the time, which is tough. We were moving right before high school – I struggled with that and didn’t have many friends the whole time. My parents had a restaurant, a foreign business, and that kind of went under. We eventually rebounded. Coming back to school in NY was also a source of stress, moving out on my own for the first time. I come from a more humble background than most people assume...maybe because I don’t share it. My parents made a lot of sacrifices and I don’t want to fail them. I feel like I have to live for myself and my brother because he didn’t get to have the life he deserved, it got cut short and when you’re in a situation like that you kind of put it upon yourself. Whether it’s warranted or not it’s still there, I have to carry him with me with everything I do. I have two younger brothers still that will always be important to me. But it never goes away, and that’s what motivates me: to live a full life for myself.

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R: When you hear the phrase mental health, what images come to mind?

R: To get your mind off of things? J: Yeah. And to get away from things.

J: I think of a friend, one that I’m not close with anymore. She does deal with mental health. I can think of two others too. But in my own life experience, I think I was most aware of it when I worked at Viacom, I felt like everyone hated me, that I was underappreciated. It got worse during my car accident, and I hit rock bottom because I hit a point where I think I was suffering from PTSD and just wouldn’t admit it. I was hit and dragged by my car. The whole time after my accident, it was weird, because I kept thinking about it and sometimes would wish I got hit harder. I should’ve been more grateful and happier I didn’t. I wanted to hurt myself. I felt like I deserved it.

R: You just came back from what seems to be a much-needed vacation. Tell me how that went, as you were trying to transition from this chapter of your life to the next.

R: What exactly were you feeling during this time? J: I felt weak. I hated not being able to do anything. I was on bedrest and I felt useless. I couldn’t help my friends in their troubles because I was dealing with my own. And the people who wanted to help me, I didn’t want them to. I’d rather help others but not receive it, because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable. It’s terrible. You can’t do anything,. You can’t move. I’m the type of individual who keeps things inside but it started to explode. I was failing classes. I wasn’t succeeding at my job. R: Do you feel like those issues were caused by internal or external factors? J: Both, but mostly being out of touch with myself. When the accident happened, my head was everywhere but I didn’t vocalize it. I let myself get to a point where I couldn’t control myself. I lost inspiration to do what I love (film). I needed to get up and do something. I even took small dance classes when I shouldn’t have.

R: What’s a memory you have from Japan that you considered a turning point? J: A moment I felt free? I believe we were in Hiroshima. We were heading to an island, and it was the most difficult time getting there. Everyone on the train was asleep except for me. I was looking at the forest, and there was a shroud of mist. It was like I was in a Miyazaki movie. It made me forget everything. It was so serene. That was the best thing about my trip….aside from Rabbit Island. R: A lot of people see you as a positive energy. Really optimistic. Do you feel like that’s a strength in itself? Is there a reason you’re so motivated to be this way? J: I think it is a strength. But it can also be a façade. I work off of people’s vibes. I reflect what I want to be for someone else. If you bottle it all up, you’ll explode. In Japan, my family was going through stuff and I was angry and it was affecting my trip. So whatever I’m going through, I know that I can rise above it, and I want other people to feel that way, too. I feel like everyone deals with some form of mental illness but it depends on how healthy they want to be when they approach it.

R: You’ve told me a lot about things you know you’ve struggled with in the past, but what do you feel is your strongest quality? J: The fact I can bounce back. I can go through the motions like it’s normal. It’s good and bad, because sometimes I don’t give myself the time to accept what’s happened or to relax. Another strength is to see things from a different perspective. R: Is there an artist or music you listen to when you’re feeling a certain way? J: Tori Kelly. Soulection. Chance the Rapper. I’m exposing myself to music that involves more instrumentals, RnB, and soul. In Japan, I listened to “Rise Up” on repeat. R: Let’s talk about film. What is your main goal in film? J: My biggest goal was to edit for Doctor Who. Or another longterm TV show. Or a movie with sequels. It’s like you’re growing with the story. You always have to redefine your style, so you can call that work your own. It’s about baby steps right now though. That’s kind of what everything right now is about.

❦

R: You felt like there’s different aspects to what you go through – there’s you but there’s the you that everyone else sees. J: Yes. I feel like sometimes people

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J: In Japan, my friend told me that it’s okay to cry or vent about what was bothering me. I was just angry and I couldn’t understand why. But I was in a foreign country, so I tried to make the best of it.

who see the deeper side of you stray away, because they think you’re toxic. But when you express yourself to people, they have to see that side or they don’t know the real you. I’m afraid of people dropping me once they see me open up.

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SPECIAL THANKS TO: Isabel Cajulis Development Chair Resident Bruha and Boujee Reamroatha Moeun for loving me even when I’m being a mega Type-A The Open Faders fam for bringing me into your world and letting me share mine with you ••• Interested in sharing your own stories? Want to write/design/be a part of the Mosaic Minds team? Follow us on Instagram: @mosaicminds Then email us at mosaicmindsmag@gmail.com!

art by Huma Sayida

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