Mountain Xpress 01.01.25

Wellness Issues 2025

Buncombe

DISAPPOINTING DISASTER

Asheville conspiracy theories

For years, Asheville’s prepper community has thrived in the shadows, fortified by a shared commitment to self-sufficiency and an unwavering belief that society would collapse under the weight of its own hubris. In the immediate aftermath of Tropical Storm Helene, these community members thrived. But this same group eventually discovered that the satisfaction of being prepared for a disaster comes with its own expiration date.

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Bring stakeholders together to design RAD 2.0

Many thanks to Zoe Rhine for her excellent opinion piece in the Dec. 11 Mountain Xpress, titled “Of Time and the River: Should the River Arts District Be Rebuilt?”

A generation ago, the original driver for a redesigned River Arts District (RAD) was Karen Cragnolin, executive director of a then-new organization called RiverLink. The idea was to celebrate a thriving arts community along the riverfront and to keep tourists in Asheville one day longer.

In April 1989, an intensive four-day workshop comprising many stakeholders gathered in downtown Asheville “to create a master plan for revitalizing the urban riverfront, which would explore mixed-use potential and would be environmentally sound, economically possible, and integrated with ongoing urban development in Asheville.”

After many changes, successes and millions of dollars invested, Hurricane Helene has forced us back to the drawing board. I propose another city/county/Land-of-Sky-led workshop or series of workshops involving many stakeholders, from Rosman to Hot Springs, to design RAD 2.0.

— Jim Stokely Reems Creek

Word of the week

bescumbered (v) to discharge dung or ordure upon something

This obsolete verb was revitalized in this week’s Humor Issue. To learn how and why, turn to page 15. For those who are offended or grossed out by such word choice, please take it up with freelance contributor and comedian Eric Brown. But also, please don’t. We really like Eric. X

Let’s imagine a new arts district

I live in Kenilworth and had a front-row seat as I watched the flooding of the Swannanoa in September. In fact, whenever there’s heavy rain, and I hear sirens, I know to check whether it’s that the river is rising and they’re closing the Biltmore Avenue bridge. That’s how common flooding is.

The tragic storm of 2024 wiped out many of the structures in the floodplain and the activity within them.

Wouldn’t it be great to remake this area?

It would be great to turn it into a floodplain with surfaces that are not impervious to rising water, like green space that people could use along the river. Extend the French Broad River Greenway along the Swannanoa. Help the people and businesses that are displaced to move into the

This would extend South Slope excitement southward. It could be a new arts district.

Wouldn’t it be great?

— Wendy Ikoku Asheville

Think twice before rushing to rebuild

I’m hoping that all building in and around rivers will not take place. There is no better time to rethink locations in terms of flooding, which appears to be an ongoing problem in some areas in varying degrees. To rebuild in the same place where destruction took place will be far from wise.

If severe flooding happened twice, how many times will it take for serious

thought to take place, since it will certainly happen again? Why play Russian roulette? Why waste money, time and effort? River walkways? People could walk elsewhere. Recreation fields? There are other parks less prone to flooding where they could be placed. River Arts rebuilt? I hope not where it is, unless all involved there don’t mind being sitting ducks. Perhaps it’s time to demolish those very old buildings anyway. A fresh start in terms of new, modern buildings would be refreshing.

Let’s sit down and think through the problem instead of throwing money at old buildings to quickly piece them back together.

— Janice Doyle Asheville

Investment could jump-start new arts district

I feel that Zoe Rhine’s commentary was thoughtful and well-researched [“Of Time and the River: Should the River Arts District Be Rebuilt?” Dec. 11, Xpress].

I also think that our tax base should be included in how to restructure and with whom. Larger companies or businesses that have resources to invest are key. It could jump-start development: an inclusive, creative and artistic plan in keeping with the flavor of the River Arts District. It could be incentivized to support that investment.

I also hope that our elected officials are reaching out to other cities’ experts in making this happen.

— Richard LaBrie Asheville

Eviction moratorium may face legal hurdle

[Regarding the Dec. 18 Xpress newsletter question “Should state leaders declare a 90-day eviction moratorium for WNC renters?”:]

The Supreme Court recently ruled that eviction moratoriums are unconstitutional absent legislation. So I don’t think state leaders can do this unless there is some statute in North Carolina that authorizes such an action.

When these hurricanes happen in Texas, much more often than North Carolina, the courts that hear eviction cases generally give tenants slack if they can establish that they are at least trying to come up with a plan to make rental payments.

blighted section of Biltmore Avenue north from Mission Hospital to South Charlotte Street/Southside Avenue.

— Ed Rothberg Houston and Weaverville X

CARTOON BY RANDY MOLTON

CARTOON BY BRENT BROWN

One more vote

BY GREG PARLIER

In the crowded, fluorescent-lit basement of the Buncombe County Democratic Party headquarters in Oakley on Dec. 18, Democrats conducted the final election of 2024.

After two rounds of voting, Drew Ball emerged from a field of 10 candidates to earn the Democrats’ nomination for the District 3 seat on the Buncombe County Board of Commissioners to replace Amanda Edwards, who was elected chair in the Nov. 5 election. By law, commissioners must approve Ball’s appointment as long as procedures were appropriately followed.

“Our county is at a critical moment. We have serious challenges in economic, environmental and public health,” Ball said in his final pitch to the room before voting began. “I’m ready to step in and get to work and lead. I’m ready to ensure that every voice is heard, our public schools are solvent and that we get the resources we need to take care of each other and get through this together.”

Ball, who was nominated by N.C. House Rep. Caleb Rudow of District 116, is the Southeast campaigns director for the Natural Resources Defense Council, a board member of the N.C. Sierra Club and a vol-

unteer firefighter at the Reynolds Volunteer Fire Department.

After Tropical Storm Helene ravaged the region, Ball helped lead recovery efforts, acting as public information officer at the Reynolds Fire Department’s supply depot and helping raise money for disaster relief, he said.

“Like so many folks in our community, I went to where I felt like I was needed most,” he said. “I saw what so many folks in this room saw in our community — putting our differences aside to come together to rush to take care of each other and ensure our strength and our resolve.”

Going forward, Ball cites storm recovery and accessing the state and federal resources Buncombe needs as the most important task facing the commission when he joins in January.

“On the ladder of first response, our first responders, our community members, our churches, our nonprofits stepped in at that first line. Now we need the state to step in,” he added.

Precinct chairs and vice chairs from 32 precincts in District 3, elected officials who represent part or all of District 3 and members of the Democratic Party executive committee all got at least one vote in the proceedings. Precinct chairs and vice chair votes were weighted

Buncombe Democrats elect seventh member to the Board of Commissioners

more heavily based on how many voters in their precinct voted for Gov.-elect Josh Stein

The condensed campaign produced a flurry of activity, including door-to-door campaigning and in-person meetings. For example, Ball called elected officials, those with and without a vote, to get advice and garner support, as well as meeting with numerous party officials. Candidate Sabrina Delk held a coffee meetup at Johnny’s Barbershop in the Grove Arcade to ask regular voters to petition their precinct chairs to vote for her.

ELECTION NIGHT

After all candidates made their case with last-minute speeches, voting began on small ballot cards, picked up by “tally runners” in cardboard boxes and taken upstairs to be counted. In the meantime, candidates, voters and onlookers mingled in the small basement, eating pizza, drinking soda and talking politics as spiders hung from aging ceiling tiles overhead.

Once votes were tallied, Ball emerged as an early front-runner after receiving nearly 40% in the first round. (By rule, a candidate needed 50% of the vote plus one to earn the party’s nomination.)

Aaron Sarver , former public information officer for the Buncombe County Sheriff’s Office, and thirdplace finisher Kevan Frazier , owner of Well Played Board Game Cafe and former City Council candidate, were close behind. Sarver was nominated by Sheriff Quentin Miller , and Edwards nominated Frazier. Nominations could be made by anyone eligible to vote in the special election.

There were seven other candidates, including corporate sustainability professional Liza Schillo, who entered the race the morning of the vote but was eliminated after receiving no votes in the first round. The rest of the field included: Doug Baughman , a retired water resource scientist; Janet “J” Canfield , a licensed clinical mental health counselor; Delk, the director of the Center for Entrepreneurial Leadership at Mars Hill University; Lauren Edgerton , clinical mental health counselor and elected member of the Woodfin Water and Sewer District Board; Jay Lively , education and career counselor at

A-B Tech; and Nina Tovish , founder and director of SUSTAINAVL, a nonprofit working to promote the diversification of the region’s economy toward the sustainability sector.

After a second round of voting in which Ball earned more than 49% of the vote, his competitors began to drop out and endorse him.

After the concessions, executive committee member Keith Thompson made a motion to elect Ball by acclamation for the position without a third round of voting.

“We basically elected our candidate by unanimous vote,” Kristen Robinson , first vice chair of the county party, told Xpress after the meeting. “Acclamation was really the best way for this to happen.”

UNBALANCED COMMISSION

The candidates ran abbreviated, 10-day campaigns because it took party leaders several weeks to determine from which area they would be seeking candidates. District lines, dictated by the N.C. General Assembly, have changed three times since 2020. Parties typically have 30 days to fill a vacancy on the board, according to state law.

COMMISH: Drew Ball celebrates his victory Dec. 18 after the Buncombe County Democratic Party elected him as its nominee to fill the seat vacated by recently elected Chair Amanda Edwards on the Buncombe County Board of Commissioners.

Photo by Greg Parlier

“It was a sprint,” Ball said after winning the election.

According to party leadership, despite living in northern Buncombe County, Edwards represented District 3 after district lines changed in 2023, when the N.C. General Assembly drew new maps. District 3 currently encompasses central Buncombe County, including much of the City of Asheville, Woodfin and Biltmore Forest.

“Unfortunately, the confusion that has arisen is a direct result of the misguided and repeated gerrymandering forced on Buncombe County by the legislature in Raleigh,” Democratic Party Chair Kathie Kline told Xpress from Mexico before the meeting.

Kline said party leadership consulted its attorney, the N.C. Democratic Party’s attorney, and counsel with the UNC School of Government to determine that Edwards’ replacement should come from the current District 3, rather than the District 3 that Edwards was initially elected to represent in the northern part of the county in 2022.

The result will be a geographically unbalanced county commission. Since 2011, there have been two representatives from each of the county’s three districts and a chair, elected at large countywide. In January, three commissioners will reside in the centrally located District 3, two in the southern and eastern District 1 and just one — Terri Wells — in the northern and western District 2. Edwards resides in District 1 but represents the county at-large as chair.

Chris Cooper , professor of political science and public affairs at Western Carolina University, said residents in the northern end of Buncombe County should feel slighted.

“The whole point of a district system, as opposed to an at-large

system, is to make sure that you have representation based on geography. And plenty of places don’t do that. Plenty of places have at-large districts, but that’s not the system we have. What we’re left with is the problems of a district system without the representational benefits,” he said.

Buncombe is one of 61 counties in the state — out of 100 — that uses some form of a district-based system for its county commission, according to the N.C. Association of County Commissioners.

A ‘HOT MESS’

Democrats argue that the 2023 maps upended district representation.

“While the legislature gerrymandered each of those member’s districts to change their constituencies, there was not a change in the district number each commissioner represented. Each member was elected to represent a specific district (1, 2 or 3) and continues to represent that district, regardless of where the district lines are located,” Kline said.

For example, Commissioner Martin Moore , elected in 2022 to represent the then-South Buncombe District 2, represents the new North Buncombe District 2 under the 2023 maps. Likewise, Commissioner Al Whitesides , elected to represent District 1 in 2022, now lives in District 3.

Cooper argues that as he reads the law, the party should have nominated someone who lives in

Edwards’ part of the county in order to ensure representation. But, he added, there is a justification to the way the county Democrats interpreted the law.

State Rep. Tim Moffitt , who represented Buncombe in 2011 when he introduced the bill tying commissioner districts to House districts, told Xpress at the time that he hoped the law would ensure more widespread representation in more rural parts of the county and make running grassroots campaigns easier. Moffitt now represents Henderson County.

Kline said politics, not equal representation, motivated the change.

“I believe that these districts were specifically created by Tim Moffit and state Republican leaders in 2011 to gerrymander Republicans onto the County Commission because local Republicans weren’t winning elections. The repeated redistricting by the Raleigh Republicans is designed to cause confusion and prevent current Democratic commissioners from running for reelection by drawing them out of their districts. These districts are about political power, not good governance,” Kline said.

Another complication of the Democrats electing someone from District 3 to replace Edwards is what happens in 2026, when the seat is up for reelection. Ball could possibly have to run against longtime incumbent Whitesides in a Democratic primary that year. Commissioner Parker Sloan , the party’s other District 3 representative who actually lives in the district, isn’t up for reelection until 2028. Meanwhile, there will be no incumbent for District 2 in 2026, since Moore lives in South Asheville.

One thing is certain. The frequent redistricting is confusing.

“It’s a hot mess,” Cooper said.  X

SPECIAL VOTES: N.C. House Rep. Caleb Rudow, left, submits his vote to a tally runner during the Buncombe County Democratic Party’s special election Dec. 18. Photo by Greg Parlier

HumOr IssuE - 100% Fake News

OPINION XPRESSERS ALMANAC

PREDICTIONS FOR THE COMING YEAR

Editor’s note: The following predictions are part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. It’s all in good fun, folks.

Top 10 baby names for 2025

• Turby

• Clay

• Chandler

• Ben

• Woody

• Sofia

• Fema

• Windy

• Charlotte

• Not Helene

Top five trending panhandler signs in 2025

• FEMA stole my lithium stock.

• Need ca$h for crypto play.

• You might now have water and electricity again, but I’m still without.

• Where has all the post-Helene solidarity, love and unity gone?

• Need a ride to Charlotte.

Top five items found inside one of the city’s portable bathrooms that will continue to haunt your dreams in 2025

• Lidless water bottles filled with piss.

• Portal to hell.

• Your hopes and dreams.

• No toilet paper.

• Yourself.

Asheville’s top five marketing slogans, post-Helene

• Gateway to the wet

• Now with fewer chemtrails

• We’ll turn your water into … actually, we’ll just keep your water, thanks, but come have a beer!

• Where guests can order IPAs served in a Lowe’s 5-gallon bucket

• Come for the disaster porn, stay for the “Portland Loo”

Top 10 worst things to likely happen inside the 24/7 “Portland Loo” in 2025

• A tourist gets superhigh inside the bathroom and thinks the loo will transport him to Portland, Ore. He refuses to deplane for several hours.

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• Raccoons occupy the site throughout February.

• The toilet gets clogged with old copies of Xpress

• Once repaired, it gets clogged again by the lethal aftereffects of a Rankin Vault Pickle PBR and chili dog combo.

• Sunday night disco parties launch in June.

• City Council approves an additional $400,000 to install a bidet.

• Installation of said bidet experiences three-month delay.

• Bidet gets removed a week after its installation due to inappropriate use.

• Residents refuse to use the bathroom to protest bidet’s removal.

• City Council approves an additional $400,000 for a mural on the outside of the loo in honor of the bidet.

Bo Hess’ unstated ambitions for his first year on City Council

• Buy his fellow members breakfast once a month from Bojangles.

• Introduce a new policy for Council attire: ski goggles and black gloves are now mandatory.

• Free “Bo” haircuts for all city children under the age of 12.

Top five winter activities for a changing climate

• Cross-country gravel skiing

• Dry pavement skating

• Building slush people

• Tubing in the flood

• Golf

Mark Robinson’s top five goals for 2025

• Eat more pizza.

• Figure out how to use a VPN.

• Delete his cookie history.

• Stop relying on incognito mode.

• Actually post something on Pinterest.

Top five new career paths for Roy Cooper

• Cooper at Jim Beam

• Fred Rogers impersonator

• Traveling jacket salesman

Asheville: Want a financial advisor who knows your name?

Call to schedule a one-one-one.

• Shoeshiner for all the state legislators

• Official taste-tester at Flour

Top 10 things we’ll miss in 2025 now that we’ve got potable water

• Endless debates on how to pronounce “potable.”

• Daily robocalls from Clay Chandler (or was it Ben Woody?) about the boil-water notice.

• Office water bottle recycling bin dunking contests.

• Pondering the design possibilities for North Fork’s new curtains.

• Making friends in the potable water line.

• Crafting all those bespoke bottlelid necklaces for new friends from the potable water line.

• Diverting money not spent on water bills to invest in cryptocurrency.

• Using paper plates and plastic sporks for every meal.

• Having a panic attack after accidentally brushing your teeth with tap water.

• The whirlwind of holiday watertasting parties.

Top five items on your 2025 to-do list

• Scrape that Harris/Walz bumper sticker off the back of your 2008 Subaru Forester.

• Join, then awkwardly ghost, your neighbor’s polycule.

• Shower once every eight weeks because you’re kinda used to it now.

• Spend excessive amounts of time in traffic.

• Slowly wean yourself off MREs over an eight-month period.

Top five accomplishments for Xpress in 2025

• Adopt Interstate 40 westbound and rename it the Mountain Xpressway.

• Get that smell out of the refrigerator.

• Convince the city to continue to grant us free parking anywhere downtown.

• Buy a helicopter for funsies.

• Go in on a companywide timeshare in Charlotte.

Top five things most likely to happen after you’ve read this almanac

• You’ll be relieved to remember that you didn’t pay any money for this.

• You’ll be in possession of a fish wrapper.

• You’ll look up the word “polycule.”

• You’ll probably scroll through Instagram.

• You’ll move to Charlotte.

Top five reasons to be hopeful about 2025

• You won’t have to read the next Xpress almanac for another 12 months.

• Kim Roney’s nascent bike rental service.

• Firewood is bountiful.

• At least it’s not 2020.

• There’s always Charlotte.

A plea to tourists for forgiveness

by Cayla Clark | caylaclark73@gmail.com

Dear Tourists,

I know, I know — you told me to stop writing to you. You said, “Please respect my boundaries,” but a big part of me thinks you’re just playing hard to get. I know you. You’re a flirt. So here I am, penning yet another letter because … well, I miss you. Desperately.

Remember all those things I said before Hurricane Helene? Like, “If I have to dodge one more group of six wine-drunk ‘Bride Tribe’ bimbos in matching cowboy hats, I’m going to offer a walking tour straight off the nearest cliff.” Or that time I accidentally tweeted: “Why don’t y’all skip the Blue Ridge Parkway and drive yourselves right back to the cesspool of sick, twisted Floridian fatuity whence you came, you leathery-skinned douchebag monsters?” Well … I didn’t mean that.

I was joking. Sometimes my jokes don’t land. It happens.

The truth is, Asheville isn’t the same without you. And by that, I mean our economy is literally in the toilet. It turns out we need your obscenely obnoxious bachelorette parties, your leaf-peeping lunacy and your insatiable thirst for $9 cardamom oat milk lattes. Who else is going to buy $80 artisanal, locally made, epoxy resin buttplugs? Who’s going to pay $400 a night to stay in a converted school bus on someone’s 5-acre farm in West Asheville? Who’s going to wait 45 minutes for gluten-free avocado toast at a brunch spot we locals can’t afford?

We’ve tried to make it work without you, but honestly, it’s been grim. Many of us (specifically those in our late 20s and early 30s) have been passing the same $20 bill back and forth for years. Sure, it’s a charming metaphor for community spirit, but that $20 isn’t going to keep the breweries running, much less fix the, you know, complete and total devastation of everything we know and love.

I know I said some things in the past, like “Why would anyone come all this way just to ask where the nearest Olive Garden is, you absolute unforgivable moron?” But I didn’t mean them. I swear. I didn’t know how much I’d miss watching your disgusting family reunions clogging up the toxic French Broad River with $1,200 one-time-use paddleboards. Or the way you try to drunkenly connect with the buskers downtown by shouting, “I have a guitar, too!”

The hurricane may have taken out some of our favorite spots, but there’s still plenty of Asheville to enjoy. The drum circle is still going strong (yes, I know you don’t understand what’s happening, and no, none of us really do either). The breweries are still here, brewing increasingly questionable flavors like “Elderflower Dill Turbidity Sour.” Yum! And yes, the Blue Ridge Parkway is still really pretty, but you don’t need to slow down to 3 miles per hour to appreciate it. Seriously. Haha. We need you, dear Tourists. Without you, the Battery Park Book Exchange can’t sell overpriced Champagne in vintage teacups to your aunt from Upstate New York. Without you, who will keep asking where to get the best “Asheville Hot Chicken” and then look scandalized when we say, “That’s not a thing”? Without you, we’re just a bunch of weirdos sitting in our cozy little breweries, silently judging each other instead of silently judging you. So, here I am, locally crocheted hat in hand, begging you to come back. Bring your Patagonia fleeces, your made-up dietary restrictions, and your inexplicable obsession with the Biltmore House. We’re ready for you. We love you. Always and forever, Ashevilleans

HumOr IssuE - 100% Fake News NEWS

Disappointing disaster

Doomsday preppers grapple with postapocalyptic ennui

BY CAYLA CLARK

caylaclark73@gmail.com

Editor’s note: The following story is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. This a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy New Year.

The sun rises over Asheville, bathing the Blue Ridge Mountains in soft, renewing light. Birds, temporarily displaced by the storm, sing their gratitude for the steadfast trees that remain. Coffee shops, cautiously reopening, buzz with the tentative hum of conversation. For most residents, the aftermath of Tropical Storm Helene has been a slow but steady journey back to some semblance of normalcy — a painstaking reassembly of lives shaken but remarkably unbroken.

For the city’s robust community of doomsday preppers, however, the storm’s dissipation brought not relief — but crisis.

“Honestly, it’s been devastating,” says Buck Caldwell, founder of the Asheville chapter of Armageddon Associates, as he adjusts the solar panel on his custom-built apocalypse bunker. “I’ve spent 25 years preparing for the Big One — stockpiling freeze-dried lasagna, guns and water filtration systems. When the storm hit, I was ready. Oh boy, was I ever ready. But then … it ended. Far too soon, if you ask me.”

Caldwell pauses to pour himself a cup of coffee brewed with beans he

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING: In the aftermath of surviving Tropical Storm Helene, a surplus of goods — once a source of pride for preppers — now seems unmanageable and superfluous. Image design by Xpress, sourced through Adobe

hand-roasted over a propane flame. “What do I do now? Go back to my day job as a dental hygienist? It just feels … pointless. I hate teeth.”

For years, Asheville’s prepper community has thrived in the shadows, fortified by a shared commitment to self-sufficiency and an unwavering belief that society would collapse under the weight of its own hubris. Helene was supposed to be the cataclysmic event they’d all been waiting for.

It wasn’t.

THE EXISTENTIAL FALLOUT

In the airy basement of a modest ranch home on the outskirts of West Asheville, Cheryl Turbidity-Smith sits cross-legged on a stack of MREs, leafing through a dog-eared copy of The Prepper’s Guide to Thriving After the End.

“Thriving after the end,” she scoffs. “What about thriving after not quite the end? Nobody writes books about that.”

Turbidity-Smith, who installed a Faraday cage to block electromagnetic fields in her backyard “just in case,” says she hasn’t slept well since the storm.

“My idiot husband keeps saying we dodged a bullet,” she explains, her voice tinged with bitterness. “But did we? Because now I’m stuck with 14 years’ worth of Spaghettios, and every time I crack one open, it feels like admitting defeat. We were supposed to take that bullet. That was our goddamn bullet.”

Turbidity-Smith has turned to the local prepper community for support,

attending weekly potlucks where fellow preppers commiserate over postapocalyptic recipes like Why’d We Survive Casserole and Prayin’ for Aliens Chili.

“We thought we’d be fighting off marauders by now,” she says. “Instead, we’re swapping tips for how to rotate our food stores so we don’t die of botulism. It’s goddamn depressing.”

A CRISIS OF IDENTITY

Perhaps no one feels the sting of the unfulfilled apocalypse more acutely than Gary “Prepper Gary” LeClair, the host of a popular YouTube channel where he demonstrates survival techniques like how to build a solar-powered crossbow or craft artisanal jerky from car-flattened squirrels.

“I lost 3,000 subscribers after the hurricane,” LeClair tearfully confesses, his voice cracking. “People wanted action — fires, looting, fistfights — and all they got was strengthened community and a soggy Walmart.”

LeClair, who now livestreams himself “reintegrating into society,” says he’s been grappling with a profound sense of purposelessness.

“It’s like, who am I if the world isn’t ending?” he says, gesturing toward his collection of vacuum-sealed rice. “I used to have a mission. I was somebody. Now I’m just a guy with 319 unopened first-aid kits and no one to save.”

Still, LeClair is trying to stay optimistic. He recently launched a new series titled “Prepping for Post-Prep Life,” which includes episodes like “How to Turn Your Bunker into a Wine Cellar” and “Glass Blowing with Your Flame Thrower.”

SEARCHING FOR A NEW APOCALYPSE

Back at Armageddon Associates headquarters, Caldwell is brainstorming ways to keep his community engaged.

“We’re considering pivoting to other scenarios,” he says. “Nuclear war, alien invasion, maybe even AI uprising. The key is to stay flexible.”

But he admits it’s not the same.

“There was something special about Helene,” he says wistfully. “She had all the makings of a true end-times event: chaos, destruction, that feeling of impending doom. And then she just … fizzled. The economy tanked, sure. But people can breathe the air and not die. God, it’s like a Y2K rerun.”

For Caldwell, the fallout is personal. His bunker, once a sanctuary of pur-

STEAL OF A DEAL:

Some preppers have given up on the idea of the end times, selling off their remaining supplies at yard sales. Image design by Xpress, sourced through Adobe

pose, now feels like a monument to dashed hopes.

“My wife suggested I convert it into a man cave,” he says, shaking his head. “A man cave. Like I’m going to put a foosball table next to the Geiger counter. Honestly, it’s insulting. She just doesn’t get it. I don’t love her anymore.”

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PREPAREDNESS

Experts in the field of disaster psychology say the preppers’ plight is not uncommon.

“When someone spends years preparing for a worst-case scenario that doesn’t materialize, it can lead to a profound sense of loss,” explains Dr. Janet Mahoney, a psychologist specializing in existential crises. “They’ve built their entire identity around survival. When that identity is no longer relevant, it’s like a kind of mourning.”

Mahoney suggests that preppers could benefit from reframing their skills.

“Resilience isn’t just about surviving disasters,” she says. “It’s about adapting to life’s challenges, whether those challenges involve foraging for food in the wild or figuring out what to do with 400 pounds of powdered baby formula.”

A GLIMMER OF HOPE

Despite the pervasive gloom, some preppers are finding ways to move forward.

Turbidity-Smith has started teaching workshops on “practical prep-

ping” for everyday emergencies like power outages and snowstorms.

“It’s not the apocalypse,” she says, “but it’s something. And I’ve found that a lot of people are interested in learning how to pickle their own canned vegetables or make fire starters out of belly button lint. So that’s been nice.”

LeClair is even planning a community event — a Prepper Yard Sale — where locals can purchase surplus survival gear at a fraction of the cost.

“Do you know how many tactical flashlights I have?” he asks, laughing for the first time all afternoon. “Let’s just say no one in Asheville will ever be in the dark again. Except the liberals.”

Caldwell, meanwhile, is exploring the idea of a new hobby.

“I’ve been thinking about taking up bird-watching,” he says. “It’s kind of like prepping in a way. You have to be patient, observant and ready for anything. And it’s a great excuse to get out of the house, away from my wife.”

Asheville’s preppers may have lost their raison d’être, but Caldwell believes they’ll find a way forward.

“Survival isn’t just about stockpiling food or building bunkers,” he says, with a trace of his old fervor. “It’s about adapting. Even if that means surviving the one thing we never planned for: disappointment.”

For now, Asheville’s prepper community waits — watching, hoping and quietly rooting for the next big disaster. Because if there’s one thing they’ve learned, it’s this: the end of the world is a terrible thing to waste. X

HumOr IssuE - 100% Fake News NEWS

Maybe the truth isn’t out there

Asheville conspiracy theories debunked ... sort of

BY ERIC BROWN

ericjbrown3000@gmail.com

Editor’s note: The following story is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. This a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy New Year.

Hello, truth seekers, and welcome to “Asheville Conspiracies: Debunked,” the column where I take your questions and finally confirm or deny what cannot be confirmed or denied. Through my shadowy network of informants and experts in the area, I will track down the answers to the questions that THEY don’t want you to ask, let alone be answered. Let’s take it away!

ROAD TO NOWHERE

How come they won’t ever get Future 26 finished? I made a bet with some friends, and if they don’t get it done, I’m gonna have to give my neighbor Terry my prized Boston terrier, Ricky. Please help!

— I. Fortee, Waynesville, N.C.

You see, the answer is right in the name, Mr. Fortee. It’s FUTURE 26. The technology required to build it is so rare, so advanced that it doesn’t even exist yet. It’s practically public knowledge that Thomas Wolfe built a time machine here in Asheville years ago, and NCDOT is using it to import the materials from the future. Unfortunately, it was only built big enough to accommodate one Thomas Wolfe, not thousands of pounds of futuristic highway equipment, so it’s slow going. Also, on a personal note, I’m sorry to hear you’ll have to give your dog, Ricky, to your neighbor. Hope that helps!

STAR STINGRAY

Whatever happened with Charlotte the Stingray with the miracle pregnancy? I have a friend who told me that she’s still alive and she’s still out there. If you know anything, please give exact coordinates.

— F.B. Iverson, location redacted

FACT OR FICTION: Was famed Asheville author Thomas Wolfe actually the inventor of a time machine? Is Charlotte the Stingray still alive? Did Bigfoot abscond with a large sum of money from the McDowell County Chamber of Commerce? We’ve got the shocking answers!

Nice try, F.B. Iverson. Or should I say F.B.I.? You’re always writing into my column, trying to get information out of me, but it’s not going to work. If Charlotte were hypothetically still alive, and they hypothetically faked her death to make sure certain government agencies didn’t come to try to dissect her like the end of E.T., I would never reveal that information if I knew it, which I DON’T. And I certainly wouldn’t say anything about the fact that Charlotte and her daughter Carlotta are happy and healthy in a place you’ll never find them. And if you’d like to write in again Mr. Iverson, maybe don’t make it so obvious?

EYES AT FAULT

Hey there, quick question. I go to the WNC Bigfoot Festival every year, but so far I haven’t seen Bigfoot a single time, and I’ve been looking really hard. The optometrist said that if I keep straining my eyes so hard looking for Bigfoot, I’d have to wear even bigger glasses! Can you believe that? I’m beginning to think that maybe Bigfoot isn’t even real at all. Please help me keep the dream alive and tell me he’s real! I really need this.

— Abigail Snowden, Marion,

N.C.

I honestly don’t know how much I should say here. It is a matter of public record that on Jan. 24, 1961, two atomic bombs were dropped in Goldsboro, N.C. A B-52 bomber broke up midflight, and two nuclear bombs fell but thankfully didn’t detonate. (Seriously, look it up).

Now the question one asks is where was that plane headed? I can’t say too much, but some speculate that it was headed to Asheville. Everyone in Asheville knows that an ancient, unspeakable evil lives here in our mountains. Typically, we don’t talk about it to outsiders, but today I will finally open up about it.

Abigail, I have good news and bad news. Yes, Bigfoot is real. That’s the good news. The bad news is he’s gone. Bigfoot lived in Marion for years, and in 2018 the McDowell County Chamber of Commerce approached him to be the keynote speaker at the first WNC Bigfoot Festival. Figures vary depending on whom you ask, but from what I hear, he was paid a lot of money. I mean a lot of money. So as the festival got closer, he vanished with the money. In fairness, they probably should have seen that coming. He’s famously great at suddenly disappearing. Sources say he was last spotted in Toronto, trying to get a startup company that makes apps. They say it’s some sort of biometric foot-scanning app, but God only knows what the internet would do with that. I also heard that he’s in some Dark Disco band and has a bunch of roommates. I guess what I’m trying to say is he’s not a total scumbag, but he’s got a lot of stuff to figure out. I just wish he’d go to therapy, you know?

B-52 DELIVERY

I’ve got a friend in the Army, and he said at some point in the ’60s, the CIA tried to nuke Asheville right off the map! I tried to ask him more about it, but he turned very pale and said he’d said too much already. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard from him in a couple of weeks. … Oh well, I’m sure he’s fine. Any truth to that rumor?

— George Lucas (not the famous one), Candler, N.C.

There is a gargantuan, eldritch beast that sleeps under our mountains. It goes by many names, but we know it as B’yel Chyere, the Destructor who Slumbers. Through the years, we locals have found ways to keep the beast asleep. The old Dreamland Flea Market was one such effort. You see, B’yel Chyere is sated only by consumerism and commerce. In the ’60s, the economy was slowing down, and they say B’Yel Chyere began to stir under the mountains. At the time, newly elected President John F. Kennedy had been briefed on this and ordered the bombs be dropped to hopefully stop B’yel Chyere.

But the bombs never made it. B’yel Chyere lashed out with arcane psychic powers and took down the plane. With no other options left, JFK negotiated with the beast and promised to give B’yel Chyere the moon. Literally. That’s why he pushed so hard to beat Russia in the space race. It wasn’t a matter of pride, it was survival. Though B’yel Chyere got the moon out of the deal, it wasn’t sated for long. It was greedy and wanted more.

That’s how Bele Chere was born. Every year from 1979 to 2013, Asheville put on a street festival full of the drunkest, rowdiest, most debaucherous people in the beast’s honor. It wasn’t to celebrate music or the arts. It was about keeping the money flowing so B’yel Chyere would continue to sleep. With the festival gone now, there is only the tourism money here to keep B’yel Chyere under control.

Now I’m not saying I want Bele Chere back. I don’t. It was a real bummer, and if people tell you it wasn’t, they’re either way too nostalgic or had a pretty severe drinking problem in the ’90s. I’m just saying if the people who lived here had affordable housing and could afford to buy things or just cover basic needs, maybe we can keep B’yel Chyere from rising from the mountains and stripping all the flesh from our bones. X

Image design by Xpress, sourced through Adobe

Where are they now?

BY ERIC BROWN

To say that 2024 was a tumultuous year for Western North Carolina would be putting things mildly. We went through a lot — both good and bad. (OK, mostly it was bad.) However, Tropical Storm Helene was not the only thing that happened last year. And while time marches forward, it’s important to look back. Which is why I checked in for updates on some of WNC’s most noteworthy heroes and celebrities of 2024.

BUCKS 4 BUCKETS

Truly one of the unsung heroes during Tropical Storm Helene was the blue 5-gallon buckets from Lowe’s. You know them. You love them. You probably used them to fill up your toilets or do dishes for at least a couple weeks. But where are they now?

Some of the buckets are reportedly living under porches, in storage sheds or tucked into closets. Sadly, these are the lucky ones. Most of the blue buckets have been abandoned, scattered throughout town with nowhere to go. (Some residents I spoke with told me off the record that the very presence of these buckets reminded them of the storm’s trauma and proved too much to bear.)

I, for one, hate to see these proud, heroic buckets left to rot alone. Which is why I’ve launched Bucks 4 Buckets, a charitable fund to help these poor receptacles thrive. Please email me if you would like to contribute. I will send you a link to my personal Venmo. Rest assured, at least 5% of that money will go toward feeding, clothing and housing these brave buckets.

SEDUCED BY FAME

I’m sure many of you remember the bear cub from earlier this year that a group of people pulled from a tree to take a selfie with. As it turns out, this selfie was not just another act of mankind spitting in the face of natural

selection. The bear cub in question (who has asked to go unnamed) needed to be rehabilitated before it could go back into the wild. Sources say that the bear cub was possibly orphaned, and for the sake of the selfie-takers, I hope that is the case. I know I wouldn’t want to face an angry bear, hell-bent on finding her cub and taking revenge on the people who separated it from her. I’m imagining it sort of like the movie Taken, but instead of Liam Neeson, it’s a bear. (Note to self: Contact agent to see if we can sell possible Taken but with bears script to major studios. Also, get an agent.) I am happy to report that the bear cub has been fully rehabilitated now and was released back into the wild. There is a rumor, however, that being on national

news gave the cub a taste for fame, and it is currently in talks to play the bear in FX’s hit show “The Bear.”

ASHEVILLE’S

BESCUMBERED BATMAN!

In early June 2024, with the controversial business improvement district poised to pass through City Council, a hero emerged. Dressed in an inflatable poop emoji costume, this Asheville citizen stood up and said, “Enough!” Emblazoned on the back of the proud costume were the words, “Look out Asheville, avoid the trap. Just remember, the B.I.D. is C.R.A.P.”

Powerful words, indeed.

Now, I know what the acronym for BID stands for, but I’m not so sure about CRAP. Maybe: Cool Rats Ate Pizza. Or, I dunno, Capitalism Runs Asheville’s Politics. It’s probably that one, I bet. (I don’t remember the BID mentioning anything about rats or pizza.)

Despite the efforts of our local sewer-based Superman — our Bescumbered Batman! our Brown Lantern! — the BID did indeed pass. And the poop emoji has not been seen since. They were the hero that Asheville deserved, but not the one it needed back in June. Try as I might, I could not find out who was behind the fecal suit. I do hope that whoever they are and wherever they may be, they are doing well. And I hope they realize the great service they’ve done.

You know, every year I take a holiday. I go to Hendersonville. There’s this cafe downtown. Every fine evening, I sit there and order a coffee. On my latest trip, I had this fantasy that I would look across the tables and I’d see you there, with a poop emoji wife and maybe a couple of poop emoji kids. You wouldn’t say anything to me, nor I to you. But we’d both know you’d made it, that you were happy. X

HumOr IssuE - 100% Fake News

Menace or middle-aged genius?

One untrained reporter’s quest to uncover the mystery that is ... Dadbod

BY ERIC BROWN

ericjbrown3000@gmail.com

Editor’s note: The following story is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. This a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy New Year.

Walk down any street in Asheville, and you’re likely to see the phrase “Dadbod” emblazoned in spray paint on a dumpster, lamppost or any particularly slow-moving dog. I would wager that Dadbod has a tag in nearly every nook and cranny of this city.

But who is Dadbod? Bold artist? Body-positive advocate? Creative visionary? Middle-aged father of three? I figured it was time I put my untrained, investigative journalism prowess to use in solving this mystery.

And the answers I found were darker and infinitely more complicated than I could have ever dreamed.

So follow along with me, dear reader, as I recount, in my best Robert Stack impersonation (which you cannot hear), the previously unsolvable mystery and reveal once and for all the identity of the infamous Dadbod.

WHENCE BOD CAME

hyperventilating and unable to get my words out over the phone — Paul left the gathering to meet me.

When I asked him the question in person, he seemed confused.

“Dadbod?” he asked.“Like the graffiti guy? You asked me to leave my daughter’s birthday for this?”

I told him it was the most important question I would ever ask him.

“I thought you were having some sort of crisis!” he yelled, getting back into his Fiat.

As he sped away in his sensible Italian car, I knew I was never going to find Dadbod by conventional measures. Another dead end.

To learn who Dadbod truly is, I figured I’d need to go back to the beginning and locate the very first Dadbod tag. I knew this wouldn’t be easy. I would have to pull out every stop and draw on all of my journalism skills. Unlike most of the so-called “experts” around here, I didn’t go to a fancy reporter school. My classroom was the streets, and I studied under the greatest teacher of all: human experience. (I also went to A-B Tech, but that associate in arts didn’t really apply here.)

Drawing on my street smarts, I knew I wouldn’t find my answers in some dusty old library. I would need to talk to the people. Unfortunately, I do not enjoy talking to people, so I went for my next most trustworthy source: Google. I must admit, the results I got were shocking — too shocking to share here. I soon realized that if I wanted answers, I would need to narrow my search to “Dadbod Asheville” instead of just “Dadbod.” (I also realized that it probably wouldn’t hurt to turn SafeSearch back on.)

The oldest mention I could find of Dadbod appeared in a Reddit post from April 2022. (Granted, it’s possible there are older posts I missed; there simply was no time for me to dig deeper!)

I needed answers from the people who posted in the thread, and I needed them now. Unfortunately, there was an insurmountable barrier here. I didn’t have a Reddit account. It was a dead end. I wouldn’t find my answers here, but at least I had a year to work with: 2022.

Was Dadbod the lashing-out of human creativity against the isolation we all felt after surviving the lockdown and COVID? Or was Dadbod the joyous acceptance of the aging process and the human body as it approaches middle age? Or was it something else altogether? Something that eluded me?

WRITING ON THE WALL: Local comedian Eric Brown, featured, takes readers on a fictional quest to uncover the identity of mysterious graffiti artist Dadbod. Photo courtesy of Brown

I didn’t know. I couldn’t know. At least not yet. But I had the when (mostly). Now, I needed the who.

FOR WHOM THE BOD TOLLS

When I called the Register of Deeds and said I was looking for Dadbod, they laughed and hung up. Clearly, the powers that be knew I was getting too close to the truth, and now they were stonewalling me. It was time to go through unofficial channels.

My first instinct was to reach out via text to the myriad of text chains I’m in. As a rule, I try to remain humble, so when I tell you I’m in more than five very active text threads, I do not mean for that to come across as bragging. (But it is impressive, right?)

In each of these threads, I inquired: “Who is Dadbod?” Most of the responses ranged from animated gifs of Shrek to “David who?” (The “David who?” response made more sense once I realized autocorrect had changed Dadbod to David.) In all instances, my efforts seemed futile.

I only had one option left: my friend Paul. Paul has lived here forever and seemingly knows everyone. I called him with panic and urgency in my voice. At the time, I was unaware that he was celebrating his daughter’s birthday. On account of my desperation — I was

BECOME THE BOD

It eventually hit me. To find Dadbod, I needed to understand who Dadbod was: I needed to become Dadbod. Meaning, I would need to don the proverbial Dadbod and do something I had never done before — break the very law itself. (God help me, there was no choice but to commit the mortal sin of graffiti.)

Following the advice of a personal hero of mine, Vanessa Carlton, I made my way downtown, walking fast. As I got closer to my destination, a sickness welled up inside of me. A warning perhaps. Nevertheless, I forged ahead. And as I approached my intended trash can, aware this act would change the course of my life irrevocably, it dawned on me: I had failed to procure spray paint.

Blasphemy! There were no hardware stores close by, and I had already paid for parking (and I would be damned if I would move my car before the meter ran out).

Instead, I hurried to the Staples near the edge of downtown, stopping only briefly to grab a coffee and look around in Downtown Books & News. (I guess I also stopped in a couple of vintage stores, though I didn’t find anything in my size.)

Forty-five minutes to an hour (tops!) later, I dashed inside Staples, out of breath. I demanded that they take me to the spray paint section, only to find out that there was no such section. I refused to give up. I said, “I am not leaving until you help me commit vandalism.”

The employee seemed confused but pointed me to the Sharpies, I think mostly to get me to leave him alone because I was being quite loud. I grabbed a three-

pack, immediately horrified by the package. It read: permanent markers. My God. Permanent. This was a bridge too far. Spray paint was hard to get off, but it was far from permanent. If I used these markers to write Dadbod, I would be going farther than even Dadbod has ever gone.

I couldn’t do it.

Instead, I decided to write Dadbod on an index card and tape it to the trash can. It would still be vandalism, but I wouldn’t have to commit to the permanence of the marker.

I returned to the scene of my future crime. My hands shook as I pulled the index card from my pocket. I uncapped the black Sharpie marker, cursing as I dropped the cap and watched it roll into a sewer drain. Before I even got to the graffiti, I had already broken the law. Littering. What had I become? (I should note that I also jaywalked. That light on Lexington takes so long.)

One final step and I would be joining Dadbod on this dark road. I painstakingly replicated his signature tag on the index card. It didn’t look exactly the same, but the spelling was correct. As I reached into my other pocket for the tape to fasten it to the trash can, panic returned. The pocket was empty. I had forgotten the tape!

I was in too deep. I had already broken so many laws and been rude to so many Staples employees. I couldn’t back out now. The incriminating Dadbod tag sat on the newly purchased index card, taunting me. It seemed to say, “You’ve made it this far. Will you stop now? Are you a small, weak man holding an index card and teetering on indecision, or are you Dadbod?”

I knew my answer.

I valiantly tucked the card into the slats of the trash can. It would be almost impossible to remove it. I was Dadbod, damn it.

Yes, dear reader, it is true. I went searching for Dadbod not because it was easy or fun, but because it was an important question that needed an answer. Or so I thought when I began this quest. I know now that Dadbod is more than graffiti on the side of a building. Dadbod is more than two words put together and sometimes a movie quote or something. Dadbod is a people, a community. Dadbod is you and me. Dadbod is the spirit of revolution that burns deep in our soul, yearning for a better tomorrow. And I weep for us all. The path toward Dadbod-ism is no easy path. I know that now. In all of us, there is a darkness that propels us to tag Dadbod on things, though with any luck most of us will never find it. I know I hope to never see that side of myself again. X

FEATURE

Tropical storm takeaways

Lessons learned from Helene

BY EDWIN ARNAUDIN

earnaudin@mountainx.com

Tropical Storm Helene was really, really bad. But mental health professionals tell us it’s really, really good to look for silver linings whenever possible. So, no, the disaster wasn’t all terrible as it gave us these 11 insights into human behavior and the world around us that will make us more resilient going forward.

Your spooky/suspicious neighbors are actually really cool (and also thought you were spooky/suspicious)

Everyone is basically Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window, but now we’ve accepted and even embraced it and don’t mind loaning each other eggs or a cup of sugar when the need arises.

Everyone slept through driver’s education

With power out and the bulk of Asheville-area traffic lights not functioning immediately following the storm, intersections became dangerous free-for-alls rather than four-way stops. But if it’s too much to expect folks to use turn signals during normal times, why would this challenge prove any different?

The French Broad River is even dirtier than we thought From toxic mud to debris hanging way up in trees, it’s clear people don’t give a hoot and love to pollute. Shoutout to those who’ve never dipped a toe into this literal cesspool — and still have all 10 toes to prove it.

Physical media is the greatest thing ever

Once power was restored around Western North Carolina, the “Netflix and chill” crowd and the Spotify contingent were in for a rude awakening as streaming providers waited for internet service to return. But those of us who’ve sunk our life’s savings into Blu-rays and vinyl records had the last laugh — and something to do besides wallow in existential misery.

Cash still exists

The irony of a largely cashless city suddenly only accepting greenbacks was one of the cruelest pranks of all time. And even if you remembered where the closest ATM was located and recalled how to operate one, the machines’ need for power rendered them as obsolete as, well, cash pre-Helene.

Local officials love The 10 Commandments

In the initial week of Buncombe County government’s twice-daily briefings, everyone’s favorite word to describe Helene’s destruction was “biblical.” Sure, Cecil B. DeMille’s Moses epic is a good movie, but were there no Stars Wars fans on the county payroll to call the damage “galactic,” or a Lord of the Rings die-hard to say it was “Sauronesque”? Do better.

People will believe anything

Weather-controlling machines? Intentional flooding? FEMA money going to illegal immigrants and Ukraine? Start planning your conspiracy theories for the NEXT natural disaster now!

Chuck Edwards is a man of integrity (for about 20 seconds)

The U.S. Congressman (NC-11) was quick to shut down claims that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is a bunch of layabouts. But when his overlords, U.S. House Speaker Mike Johnson and president-elect Donald Trump, came to town to talk smack about FEMA and Democrats, Chucky stayed mum. On the plus side, we got to witness a human backbone disappearing in real time.

Elon Musk has some good ideas

Without random neighbors willing to share their Starlink satellite internet service, communication would have been far worse in October as mobile phone and internet service providers struggled to restore access. MuskNet will almost certainly become mandatory once Trump takes office, but we’ll cherish the good old days when this novelty allowed us to enjoy the little things, like letting friends and loved ones know that we were still alive.

Shelby needs to get its act together

A thruway for anyone heading east while stretches of I-40 and I-26 were closed, the small city in Cleveland County stoked refugees’ fears of running out of gas while being stuck in traffic via inexplicable delays. The longer one is stranded there, the more one can’t help but quote the line “Drink your juice, Shelby,” from Steel Magnolias, and there’s only so much the mind can handle.

Not all bottled water is created equally

Dasani this, Evian that — people developed favorites real fast and, while they weren’t about to turn down a free case of H20, some labels were met with more enthusiasm than others. Rankings and reviews soon appeared on social media extolling the virtues of some surprise options, such as Walmart’s Great Value house brand. How long until someone opens Asheville’s first craft bottled water bar? X

HumOr IssuE - 100% Fake News

Silver linings

BY GINA SMITH

gsmith@mountainx.com

Editor’s note: The following story is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. This a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy New Year.

Most Western North Carolina locals would probably agree that the days and weeks immediately following Tropical Storm Helene were no vacation. Yet some short-term rental owners and other businesspeople have found creative ways to tap into the curiosity of outsiders keen to get a taste of post-Helene experiences many locals would rather forget. From stripped-down Airbnb stays to unconventional tasting menus, area entrepreneurs are developing income streams that cater to disaster tourists.

‘NO-BRAINER’

Haw Creek ceramicist and farmer Pat Smith says that in the first days following the storm, she and her wife, Chris Jones, were at a loss as to how they were going to make ends meet through the coming fall and winter. The couple’s annual crop of heirloom, organic micropumpkins was obliterated just before harvest when the minifarm’s half-acre field was damaged by flooding and downed trees.

Without running water, Smith’s business making custom, wood-fired ceramic napkin rings for local restaurants was also put on hold. And the couple’s other income stream — a yurt on their property that they used as a vacation rental — seemed an unlikely source of revenue amid the devastation.

But in early October, while volunteering to do storm cleanup in the River Arts District, a light bulb switched on. “There were all these cars with out-ofstate plates cruising down Lyman Street, people getting out, walking around and taking pictures,” says Smith. “I started thinking, ‘They don’t seem to mind all the destruction, and they need a place to stay.’”

“We thought it wouldn’t hurt to at least put it out there and see what happened,” says Jones. “It seemed like a no-brainer.”

Pre-Helene, the couple billed the well-appointed yurt on short-term rental websites as a luxury glamping opportunity. But their disaster tourism spin promotes it as a chance to “experience life after the hurricane in WNC.” The yurt now features a total lack of running water, no electricity or Wi-Fi and an

Innovative entrepreneurs cash in on disaster tourism

ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME: While no local would ever voluntarily step foot in another portable toilet, some local businesses have discovered a high demand among tourists to relive the Helene experience, including glamping opportunities in overpriced yurts. Image design by Xpress, sourced through Adobe

outdoor pit toilet with a seat fashioned from an old camp chair and a piece of plywood.

For guests dubious about the outdoor facilities, Jones notes, the tiny stream that flooded the farm’s micropumpkin field is just a short hike away for outdoor bathing and filling a 5-gallon bucket (provided with the rental) for flushing the yurt’s indoor toilet.

A propane grill and firepit are available for cooking outside the yurt, and guests are invited to fill coolers with ice, charge phones, grab Wi-Fi and pick up bottled water, canned goods and military MREs from the rental’s “donation site” — a small farm shed up the road that’s connected to electricity.

Much to the surprise of Smith and Jones, the concept was an immediate hit. “I mean, we’re charging $300 a night for this yurt with absolutely no amenities whatsoever, and it’s booked almost every day through the new year,” says Smith. “It’s batshit crazy, but we’re not complaining.”

THE REAL EXPERIENCE

Though John Ataboy spends most of the year living in Decatur, Ga., where he works in sports promotions, curiosity spurred him to visit Asheville immediately after Helene. As the owner of two luxury cabins he uses as short-term rental properties in South Asheville, he says, he became aware of the challenges WNC locals were experiencing from vacationers who’d been staying at one of the homes when the storm hit.

“Even though the water never even went out [at the Arden rental], there was no electricity, and man, they were, like,

out of there as soon as a road opened up,” says Ataboy with a laugh. But his interest was piqued. “From the news, it seriously sounded like some kind of messed up video game situation up there. I really wanted to know how people were even surviving.”

He took a few days off work to drive up to the area and check it out. When a TikTok post he made about the trip went viral, he realized the new moneymaking potential of the two rentals he had previously thought dead in the water due to the disaster.

“People were all like, what’s it like? How do you take a shower? Where do you charge your phone? Stuff like that. And I was, like, I can do something with this.”

Ataboy turned off water, electricity and internet access to both cabins. Inspired by the community relief work done by volunteer group West Asheville Dry Toilet Co. after the storm, he commissioned a contractor friend to build him a couple of similar 5-gallon bucket toilet systems. And he then began promoting his rentals online (priced at $450 per night, plus cleaning fees) as “Real-life Helene Disaster Experiences.”

Ataboy says he keeps the cabin’s kitchens stocked with bottled water and “the kind of random snacks and canned crap you find at those donation places.” Bathrooms are equipped with the bucket-and-sawdust toilet systems and pouches of baby wipes for hygiene.

For an upcharge, guests can select premium add-ons like having a neighbor’s generator running incessantly or audio of helicopters piped into the homes at random times. A partnership with local Econoline van tour company

Vananarama allows guests to do picnic trips to major flooding sites around the region. And through a collaboration with Charleston, S.C., chef Tiny Peebles, guests can opt to have personalized MRE tasting flights or “World Central Kitcheninspired” prix fixe menus served by candlelight in their rental’s dining room, complete with curated pairings of warm beer, soda or bottled water.

“It’s really taken off,” Ataboy told Xpress by telephone from his office in Atlanta. “I had no idea there were so many people out there who’d want to pay to be dirty and uncomfortable, but you’d be surprised. I’ve had people come from as far away as Germany and China.”

MOUNTAIN VACATION

One of those people is Chad Butter, a financial adviser and self-described “extremely avid adventurer and outdoorsman” from Lake Norman, N.C. Though his wife, Ashley Butter, says she had hoped to stay at The Inn on Biltmore Estate or The Omni Grove Park Inn for the family’s long-planned Thanksgiving vacation to Asheville, she was swayed by her husband’s enthusiasm for trying Ataboy’s Helene experience.

“He was so passionate about doing the ‘disaster realness’ thing,” she says, seated in a bentwood rocking chair in the murky light of the cabin’s expansive, high-ceilinged living room. “I miss taking a shower and being able to wash my hands, but at least we’re supporting the local economy — the deal is, I get to do a lot of shopping on this trip.”

The younger of the Butters’ two daughters, Ryen, age 9, says she enjoyed the van tour, where her family “saw a bunch of ginormous stinky piles of dead trees and rocks and stuff.” She’s also enthusiastic about eating MREs and learning how to heat them herself with the heater packs — chili mac is her favorite, so far.

But she laments the lack of internet and running water. “That bucket toilet is literally the grossest thing ever,” she says. “I made my dad drive me all the way to the supermarket to that truck with the water pipes to fill a bucket with water so we can flush the actual toilet.”

Older daughter Ivy, 14, expresses general displeasure with the whole experience. Though she’s unable to connect to Wi-Fi, she’s sitting in the family’s Cadillac Escalade charging her phone and scowling into the passenger-side makeup mirror.

“They told us we were going on vacation to the mountains,” she says, rolling her eyes. “But this is trash. What a rip-off. I mean, who pays money to subject your family to something this stupid?” X

WELLNESS

Dear Aurora

BY CAYLA CLARK

Editor’s

Dear Readers, It’s officially cuffing season. What does this mean? Well, this is the time of year when single people pair up to endure the colder months in cozy companionship. But in Asheville, cuffing season takes on an entirely different meaning.

Here, we’re not cuffing a significant other — we’re cuffing our high-rise mom jeans to perfectly showcase our cute wool socks and Blundstones. Our aesthetic is unique, isn’t it? We strive for that effortlessly cool “just rolled out of bed, everything thrifted, haven’t washed my hair since Helene” vibe. But let’s be real: We’re rocking $500 haircuts, vintage Levi’s that cost more than a plane ticket to Hawaii and boots with price tags that rival a month’s rent in Montford.

Why do we put so much time, energy and money into perfecting this calculated disheveledness? To attract a mate, of course. But dear, naive reader, we are not like peacocks, who dazzle with panty-wetting tails. No,

we’re humans — we have brains. We are the only animals with brains.

This year, instead of cuffing your pants and strutting your carefully curated stuff, consider showcasing your intellect. Woo your romantic interest by reciting a Shakespearean sonnet from memory or solving an elaborate math equation right there on your first date. Nothing says “I won’t gaslight you” like iambic pentameter.

Because here in Asheville, while our appearances may scream, “I don’t bathe,” what truly wins hearts is a mind as sharp as your appearance is crunchy. So cuff thoughtfully, dear readers, and may your wits stay as warm as your tootsies.

Dear Aurora,

I’ve heard that Ingles stores are the best place to pick up a lady, whether you’re looking for a casual encounter or something more serious. I’ve been spending a lot of time at the Ingles on Haywood Road, but I haven’t even been able to make eye contact with anyone. Which Ingles should I shop at to find a one-night stand? Which aisles should I wander if I’m looking for true love?

–The Laura Lynn of Sin

Dear Laura,

This is such a wonderful question! First off, yes — Ingles is hands down the best place to find a mate, second only to Western Wednesdays at Double Crown.

If you’re seeking something casual and fleeting, I suggest shopping at the Ingles on Patton Avenue. There’s a strange, heavy aura about the place. Something survivalist in nature about it — which makes it the perfect place to find someone looking for a no-strings-attached quickie. My go-to strategy? Head straight to the back of the store and stand under the “Best Meat in Town” sign, winking at anyone who passes until someone comes home with me.

If you’re in the market for a more shelf-stable romance, I recommend the Ingles on New Leicester Highway. It’s got a Starbucks — that’s how you know it’s good. The atmosphere is lighter and the shoppers tend to exude a subtle thirstiness. I recommend making intense eye contact in the produce section. Bonus points if you order the same drink at the in-store Starbucks and bond over your mutual disdain for the corporate coffee giant. You hypocrite.

Remember, romance can bloom anywhere, even under fluorescent lights. Whether you’re searching for the Best Meat in Town or simply someone to share a life with, Ingles has you covered. Yours, Aurora

Dear Aurora, Single woman here. Is it even possible to date a man in Asheville who isn’t polyamorous? It feels like every man who shows interest either already has a girlfriend, a wife or some sort of amorphous “partner” they describe as their “best friend and transcendental soulmate.”

Don’t get me started on the Hinge matches who show up to dates and casually mention their girlfriend halfway through the meal. “By the way, I’m ethically nonmonogamous,” as if it’s a selling point instead of a curveball. I just want a man who’s emotionally available, romantically unentangled and maybe not splitting his time between a girlfriend, a wife and weekly anarchist macrame classes. Is monogamy too much to ask for in a town where relationships are as fluid as locally brewed kombucha? Or am I doomed to a dating pool that comes with a side of shared Google calendars? — Mona Gamy

Dear Mona, First off, I want to state that whatever lifestyle choice a person chooses is entirely their business. I have seen polyamorous relationships thrive, and I have seen ENM “done right.” Meaning, open and honest communication, willing participants and no surprises halfway into an otherwise pleasant and promising Bumble date. That being

said, you are sh*t out of luck. Everyone in Asheville is dating everyone else in Asheville. Maybe try Greenville.

Yours, Aurora

Dear Aurora, I recently went on a first date with a really cool gal I’ll call Starchild. Starchild seemed like a great match for me. Her Tinder bio was fire; she also likes slack-lining and hacky-sacking, and she listens to Billy Strings. We grabbed oat milk lattes at Pollen and then took a long, introspective walk through the heart-wrenching hurricane devastation in Carrier Park, reminiscing about the time before our lives were completely turned upside down. LOL, memories. Eventually, we wound up at my place — she’d expressed interest in seeing my Tree of Life tapestries. We settled on my disgusting pleather couch, and I broke out my VHS collection, which really put us both in the mood. Things escalated, but when we started fooling around, the vibes shifted. She wasn’t into any of the things I introduced — nipple clamps, cages, chains, dog collars, hot candle wax. So now I’m wondering: Is it valid to ghost someone after the first date because they aren’t kinky enough for you?

—Bound to Wonder

Dear Bound, I always say, “A personal preference is a personal preference. It doesn’t make you good or bad, it simply means you’re human.” Just kidding — this is the first time I’ve ever said that. But hey, I stand by it. I also always never say, “Ghosting people is violently immature and should be punishable in a court of law.”

Listen — if you don’t want to see Starchild again, that’s perfectly fine. Not every connection is meant to work out, and sometimes people just don’t vibe. But ghosting her? Why? What did she do to deserve your sudden disappearance — politely decline a wooden paddle to the derrière? If I were you (which I am, thankfully, not), I’d shoot her a simple, respectful text. Something like, “Hey, I had a really great time on our date. Thanks so much for the oat milk latte. [I’m assuming she paid.] Unfortunately, I don’t think our lifestyles align, and while I really enjoyed meeting you, I’m not interested in pursuing this further.”

There. Was that so hard? Now go clean that pleather couch, you dirty, nasty boy.

Yours, Aurora X

HumOr IssuE - 100% Fake News

Desperate times

entry in the competition. The beer was a hit with the judges of the AmericanStyle Brown Ale category, who awarded it top honors for its “unusually smooth flavor profile” and “aromas we’ve never encountered before.”

Beer made with nonpotable water wins GABF gold medal

The Asheville craft beverage community added yet another accolade this week with its latest gold medal from the annual Great American Beer Festival (GABF) in Denver. But less than 24 hours later, that euphoria morphed into infamy as the city became the first brew scene to have an award rescinded.

The champ/culprit is fledgling Mom & Pop Beer Co., which opened in July at the former Hot Spot convenience store on the corner of Hilliard and Ashland avenues.

When Tropical Storm Helene hit, brewer/owner Finn Sharkey’s new neighborhood taproom became a haven for the community, pouring pints at steep discounts until his supplies ran out. Not wanting to lose momentum with GABF looming, yet lacking the funds to secure enough potable water to brew another batch, he threw caution to the wind. When nonpotable water returned to downtown taps in mid-October, Sharkey used it to resume operations. He named his creation True Brown Ale and shipped the required quantity to the Brewers Association in Denver for

However, following a night of vomiting, diarrhea and what one judge described as “some of the trippiest hallucinations I’ve had since college,” the panel reconvened — over Zoom from their respective sickbeds — and requested that tests be conducted on Brown Ale entries. The lab results for True Brown Ale came back with what technicians referred to as “obscene levels” of bacteria, chemicals and heavy metals. Sharkey was then informed of the findings and asked to return his medal.

Back in Asheville, the brewer claims he’s “learned [his] lesson” and will “stick to the good stuff” from now on. Nevertheless, the Brewers Association recommends exercising great caution when visiting Mom & Pop, “unless you want to experience what cheap LSD is like.”

Slice and dice

Since 2011, locals and tourists alike have provided consistent comedy by attempting to pronounce Cúrate.

But in honor of its 15th anniversary this spring, the Button Meana Group has, in its words, “fessed up,” admitted that “the right way” to say the award-winning Spanish tapas restaurant’s name is “karate” and will be pivoting to Asian cuisine.

“We had a good run,” says chef Katie Button. “But the longer you’re in this business, the easier you want things to be. And we just can’t handle that damn accented ‘u’ any longer.”

She adds that her waitstaff, business partners “and the community at large” were relieved when they heard the news. And that the balancing act of dual pronunciations when “one is so much more fun to say than the other” was starting to eat away at her employees.

“The pool for when ownership would give up the ghost had gotten ridiculous,” says longtime server Waylon Onion with a weary laugh. “Ughh, why didn’t I bet on 15 years? It’s so obvious. Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

After a few deep breaths, Onion continues, “At least we finally get to wear gis and belts and show off our moves.”

Button notes that she’s looking forward to strengthening ties with her Japanese suppliers and “taking sushi to places we’ve never dreamed.”

In turn, don’t be surprised if some Appalachian food traditions seep into the menu, further distancing the restaurant from its peers.

Wicked expensive

A local food truck set a new world record last week when its lobster roll hit $35.

Already the butt of jokes in such Facebook groups as Asheville Foodie Community and West Asheville Exchange (WAX) for its lobster roll’s previous $25 price tag, Marky Mark’s Schmuck Truck nevertheless routinely attracts long lines hours before opening.

BIG GULP: The Brewers Association in Denver crowned Asheville’s own True Brown Ale the winner of this year’s best American-Style Brown Ale. Judges noted that the beer, which was brewed with nonpotable water, had an “unusually smooth flavor profile” and “aromas we’ve never encountered before.” Image design by Xpress, sourced through Adobe

up to the hahbuh and get one there? Be my guest. #Celtics #RedSox #Bruins #Patriots.”

“Who are these people?” asked WAX member Paula Winklevoss back in June after a photo of the Schmuck Truck menu went viral. “A bunch of homesick Massholes with money burning holes in their pockets?”

Subsequent replies ranged from “It’s just canned lobster” and “I don’t trust that butter” to “They’re actually really tasty,” and even attracted reclusive Schmuck Truck owner Mark Mahlberg, who posted, “You wanna fly

Fast-forward to last Friday when a photo of the day’s menu appeared in the Asheville Foodie Community feed with the new price. An official adjudicator from Guinness World Records was promptly summoned and verified that the amount indeed topped the previous record of $31 set by Charlotte-based Taste of Worcester food truck in 2022.

Panic ensued on social media amid the daily dozens of posts inquiring why traffic has been so bad lately, and the Schmuck Truck’s supply of lobster rolls sold out within 45 minutes.

— Edwin Arnaudin X

ARTS & CULTURE

Shock therapy

BY EDWIN ARNAUDIN

Rare

attentive

listener stuns local musician earnaudin@mountainx.com

Editor’s note: The following story is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. This a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy New Year.

A local musician is recovering at Mission Health after suffering shock caused by someone actually paying attention to her recent performance at a South Slope brewery.

The incident occurred last Saturday when singer-songwriter Molly McGillicutty was in the middle of the second of three hourlong sets at IPA Brewing Co. In her words, she was “lost in the sauce” when she just so happened to look up and lock eyes with Susan P. Jenkins, a retired schoolteacher in town for the weekend from Atlanta.

“I thought maybe she was a mannequin — that’s happened before at my shows,” McGillicutty says. “Or else she was blind and forgot to put on her Ray Charles sunglasses. But these were no cloudy peepers — no ma’am.”

McGillicutty acknowledges that while breweries generally pay musicians “a pretty good amount — if you like sandwiches,” she’s usually the third or fourth option for customers, ranking somewhere below alcohol, conversation, live sports and/or the bartender’s playlist broadcasting from the speaker in the corner of the taproom designated for performers.

Despite the dirty glances or looks of pity from patrons uninterested in attending a concert, McGillicutty still puts forth maximum effort each time and is thankful for the smattering of golf claps that may be for her or the sportsball team on the projection screen across from the makeshift stage. However, she was unprepared for the interest Jenkins paid McGillicutty’s original tune, “Bradford Pear (Why You Smell So Bad).”

The connection — which the musician recalls consisted of a smile (“But no teeth”) and slightly raised eyebrows (“In a nice way”) — was so intense and unexpected that it sent McGillicutty into convulsions. She fell from her stool and landed awkwardly on her acoustic guitar, Millie, who perished on the spot. While everyone else remained fixated on the televised athletic competition, Jenkins bolted to the stage, checked McGillicutty’s pulse and called 911. Minutes later, a chorus of groans emerged from the clientele as paramed-

ics carted the artist out during a commercial break.

Jenkins visited McGillicutty at Mission on her way back to Georgia and brought the musician a bouquet of flowers from the three-for-$10 bin at Ingles Markets’ Tunnel Road location. The medical team says recovery is going well and that the patient will soon be able to return home and “write a catchy little ditty about the whole experience.”

Members of the Asheville music community are accepting submissions for a benefit album, proceeds from which will help pay McGillicutty’s medical bills. Tentatively titled Invasive & In Bloom, the project will be composed solely of interpretations of “Bradford Pear” and has already attracted the attention of Fairview-based nu metal band Manhole Cover.

The compilation’s organizers also invited Jenkins to record her own version, to which the hero replied, “She wrote that? Hmm … I thought it was a Joni Mitchell song.”

Holiday Hullabaloo

After mesmerizing approximately 5.6 trillion viewers in December 2023 alone, the Hallmark original film A Biltmore Christmas has prompted the Hallmark Channel to greenlight an entire series of holiday-themed films set at the U.S.’s largest private residence.

Biltmore Co. CEO Bill Cecil Jr. and Hallmark Media CEO Mike Perry announced the new venture at a press conference held Friday morning in the

deep end of the swimming pool within the Biltmore House. Among the first batch of films slated for production over the next three years are A Biltmore Independence Day, A Biltmore Thanksgiving, A Biltmore Washington’s Birthday and A Biltmore Juneteenth Additional federal holidays and less popular days of reveling are being considered down the line, with Perry saying, “Nothing is off the table.”

“Does it matter that Biltmore doesn’t actually have a May Day celebration?” he posited. “No, but as the popularity of Mystery on Mistletoe Lane and You, Me & the Christmas Trees has proven, these loyal Hallmark viewers will watch anything we make.”

Also at the press conference was Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”), who will reprise his role as tour guide Winston in each A Biltmore movie installment. The actor downplayed long-running rumors that he owes a significant gambling debt to Perry involving wagers on illegal wombat wrestling matches and called Winston “the character he was born to play.”

Perry also notes that local actor A.K. Benninghofen will return for all of the films as enthusiastic Biltmore tourist Margaret. “It turns out she has an affinity for every holiday that’s as strong as her love of Christmas,” he says. “We’re excited to see Margaret’s passion for everything from Halloween to National Doughnut Day.”

Arguably the biggest news of all is that Cecil himself will step behind the camera to direct at least two films and also have a small acting part as what’s described as “a mischievous but lovable Vanderbilt ghost” who’s set to become a series regular.

Sellouts

Over a year after putting its Merrimon Avenue location up for sale, the Asheville Pizza & Brewing Co.’s ownership group has finally found a buyer: themselves. Sort of.

“We were just waiting for our clones to mature,” says Mike Rangel, the co-owner who always gets saddled with talking to the press. “They’re finally in their mid-20s now, so that seems old enough to run a business.”

Rangel notes that the requests for new owners who “didn’t want to change anything” about the North Asheville restaurant, bar and two-screen movie theater were “mostly bullsh*t” as well as a ploy to see if a certain local alt-weekly newspaper would write an advertisement in the guise of a cover story.

The younger replicas free up Rangel and fellow co-owners Allison BrownRangel, Leigh Oder, Lisa Leokum, Cory Gates and Pete Langheinrich to pursue their true passions. For Rangel, that means realizing his long-held dream of bringing a lucha libre Mexican wrestling league to town. Matches will be held at the Rabbit Rabbit outdoor entertainment venue on Coxe Avenue starting in April 2025. X

INDESTRUCTIBLE: Despite a hard fall, singer-songwriter Molly McGillicutty is on the road to recovery. Her fans hope the difficult experience results in some killer new songs. Image design by Xpress, sourced through Adobe

For a full list of community calendar guidelines, please visit mountainx.com/calendar. For questions about free listings, call 828-251-1333, opt. 4. For questions about paid calendar listings, please call 828-251-1333, opt. 1.

 Online-only events

 More info, page 33

WELLNESS

Align & Awaken:

Setting Intentions for the New Year

In this 90-minute offering, we’ll weave together flowing asana, soul-stirring journaling, reflective meditation, and deep breathwork to honor the year behind and ignite the one ahead.

WE (1/1), 11am, W Asheville Yoga, 602 Haywood Rd

Qi Gong for Overall Health & Wellness

A gentle practice to synchronize movement with breath. Learn how to relax your mind and body through slow intentional movements.

FR (1/3), 9am, AmeriHealth Caritas, 216 Asheland Ave

Friday Fitness

over you, calming your mind, and rejuvenating your spirit. This event is open to all levels.

SA (1/4), SU (1/5), 11am, Somatic Sounds, 157 S Lexington Ave

Yoga Taco Mosa

Donation based yoga with Clare Desmelik. Bring your mat, a water bottle and an open heart.

SU (1/5), 10am, The Grey Eagle, 185 Clingman Ave

Prenatal & Postpartum Yoga

A rejuvenating and relaxing yoga session designed specifically for pregnant and postpartum folks.

SU (1/5), noon, W Asheville Yoga, 602 Haywood Rd

Queer Yoga

COMMUNITY CALENDAR

AMERICAN VISIONS: American Made: Paintings and Sculptures from the DeMell Jacobsen Collection is on exhibit at the Asheville Art Museum through Feb. 10. Visitors can browse more than 70 works of art by renewed American artists, ranging from Colonial-era portraits to 19th-century landscapes. The museum is open daily but closed on Mondays and Tuesdays. Photo courtesy of Asheville Art Museum JAN. 1 - JAN. 9 , 2025

This class focuses on strengthening, stretching, and aerobics every Friday.

FR (1/3), 10am, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Tai Chi for Adults

Improve your movement and flexibility with relaxation techniques each week. Intended for participants ages 40 and over.

FR (1/3), 1:30pm, Stephens-Lee Recreation Center, 30 George Washington Carver Ave

Himalayan Sound Bath Meditation

Imagine the soothing tones of Himalayan singing bowls washing

This class is donation-based and centered towards creating an affirming and inclusive space for all queer folks.

SU (1/5), 1:30pm, W Asheville Yoga, 602 Haywood Rd

Strength & Exercise

Workout at your own pace in a fun atmosphere in this weekly class for active adults working on overall fitness and strength.

MO (1/6), 9:30am, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Zumba Gold & Silverobics

Calorie-burning, fun, low-impact class that incorporates dance and fitness for older adults

each week.

MO (1/6), 10:30am, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Prenatal Yoga

Paulina, a yoga teacher and certified birth doula, will guide you through gentle poses and breathing exercises to help you connect with your changing body.

MO (1/6), 5:30pm, W Asheville Yoga, 602 Haywood Rd

Balance, Agility, Strength, Stretch

This weekly class for adults focuses on flexibility, balance,

stretching, and strength. Bring your own exercise mat.

TU (1/7), noon, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Qigong

A gentle form of exercise composed of movement, posture, breathing, and meditation used to promote health and spirituality.

TU (1/7), 1:15pm, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Trauma Informed Somatic Yoga Series

A somatic practice tends to the body’s physical, and mental,

reactions to a stress response.

TU (1/7), 7pm, W Asheville Yoga, 602 Haywood Rd

Tai Chi Chih

Move towards better health and more happiness with mindful, moving meditation.

WE (1/8), noon, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Therapeutic Recreation Adult Morning Movement Wednesday mornings are all about active games, physical activities, and sports adapted to accommo-

date all skill levels

WE (1/8), 10am, Tempie Avery Montford Community Center, 34 Pearson Ave

Zumba Gold

A weekly interval-style dance fitness party that combines low- and high-intensity moves. Burn calories as you move to the rhythm.

WE (1/8), noon, Stephens-Lee Recreation Center, 30 George Washington Carver Ave

SUPPORT GROUPS

Parkinson’s Support Group

A monthly gathering for People with Parkinson’s and the people who support them. Learn something new about Parkinson’s disease.

TU (1/7), 10am, Groce United Methodist Church, 954 Tunnel Rd DANCE

Intro to Line Dance

A true beginners course for those who are new to line dance taught by Liz Atkinson. WE (1/1, 8), 10am, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd Latin Night Wednesday w/DJ Mtn Vibez A Latin dance social featuring salsa, bachata, merengue, cumbia, and reggaeton with dance lessons for

all skill levels.

WE (1/1, 8), 8pm, One World Brewing W, 520 Haywood Rd

Tap Dance: Beginner

Learn the basics through a combination of exercise, music, and incredible fun.

Students provide their own tap shoes.

TH (1/2, 9), 11:45am, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Line Dancing Groove in for this fun weekly drop-in class. Try it once and you’ll be hooked.

TH (1/2), noon, Stephens-Lee Recreation Center, 30 George Washington Carver Ave

Line Dancing

Designed to teach the latest line dances step by step, this weekly class inspires community members to put on their dancing shoes and boogie.

TH (1/2), 1:30pm, Linwood Crump Shiloh Community Center, 121 Shiloh Rd

Bachata Dance Lesson & Social

Live DJ Bachata nights with some Cha Cha, Cumbia, Merengue and Salsa added to the mix.

TH (1/2, 9), 8:30pm, Urban Orchard Cider Co. S Slope, 24 Buxton Ave

Asheville Community Square Dance

Enjoy a night of community social dance, music and laughs. In addition to old-time square dances, there will be waltzes, flatfooting, a cakewalk, and community oldtime jam.

SA (1/4), 6pm, Haw Creek Commons, 315 Old Haw Creek Rd

Line Dance: Beginner

Some familiarity with line dance steps is helpful, but not necessary in this weekly class with instruction to all styles of contemporary music taught by Denna Yockey.

MO (1/6), noon, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Line Dance: Beginner & Improver

A more challenging weekly line dancing experience that builds on skills learned in the beginner class taught by Denna Yockey.

MO (1/6), 1pm, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Contact Improv Dance

Explore mindful, unscripted movement in deep connection with others.

MO (1/6), 6pm, Stephens-Lee Recreation Center, 30 George Washington Carver Ave Open-Level Adult Dance

Each class will feature a full-body warm-up, specific skill practice, and a dance combination to your favorite music. Students are encouraged to request specific songs, styles, or skills.

WE (1/8), 5:30pm, Black Mountain Center for the Arts, 225 W State St, Black Mountain

We Line Dance

Brenda Mills will teach an exercise class that uses line dancing to get your body moving.

TH (1/9), 6:15pm, Stephens-Lee Recreation Center, 30 George Washington Carver Ave

ART

American Made Paintings & Sculpture from the DeMell Jacobsen Collection

The exhibition beautifully illustrates distinctive styles and thought-provoking art explored by American artists over the past two centuries with more than 100 works of art by renowned

American artists. Gallery open daily, 11am, closed Monday and Tuesday. Exhibition through Feb. 10, 2025. Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square

The Farm Built on more than a decade’s worth of deep, original archival research, this exhibition will constitute a comprehensive new history of Black Mountain College. Gallery open Tuesday through Saturday, 11am. Exhibition through Jan. 11, 2005.

Black Mountain College Museum & Arts Center, 120 College St

The Last Chair of the Forest & the Plastic Bottle

Immerse yourself in a poignant virtual reality (VR) short film that delves into environmental consciousness and the delicate balance of nature. Gallery open daily, 11am, closed Tuesday. Exhibition through Jan. 20, 2025.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square

Ginny Ruffner: Reforestation of the Imagination

This exhibition explores an imaginative landscape of plant

forms that come to life when activated with augmented reality. Gallery open daily, 11am, closed Tuesday. Exhibition through Jan. 20, 2025.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square

Forces of Nature: Ceramics from the Hayes Collection Forces of Nature is drawn from the collection of Andrew and Hathia Hayes, demonstrating the different approaches to ceramics in Western North Carolina. Gallery open daily, 11am, closed Tuesday. Exhibition through March, 2025.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square

Amanda N. Simons: Forest Feels

Forest Feels invites its viewers to participate in two distinct realities of an art museum experience: to observe the work as it is in this moment, and also to change the work by contributing to its evolution. Gallery open daily, 11am, closed Tuesday. Exhibition through Jan. 20, 2025.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square

Moving Stillness:

Mount Rainier

An immersive experience that explores the ideas of death and regeneration in nature. Gallery open daily, 11am, closed Tuesday. Exhibition through Jan. 20, 2025.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square

The Totem: Celebrating Family, Spirit & Culture

Ten Asheville artists offer unique interpretations of totems, exploring family, spirit, and cultural themes. These modern totems invite viewers to reflect on their connections to family and heritage. Gallery open Monday through Saturday, 10am. Exhibition through Jan. 31. UpMarket Events & Gallery, 70 N Market St

Anti Form: Robert Morris’s Earth Projects

The suite of lithographic drawings by Robert Morris presents a series of ideas for ten works of art shaped out of earth, atmospheric conditions, and built environments. Gallery open Wednesday through Sunday, 11am.

Exhibition through May 2025.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square

COMMUNITY MUSIC

Men in Harmony: Open Singing Jam

Men's a capella ensemble hosts an open jam session to scout for new talented members as well as share an evening of music. For more information contact Jim Gordon at (828) 545-2262.

WE (1/1), 6:45pm, St. Matthias Church, 1 Dundee St

Chuck Brodsky

A storyteller, songwriter, troubadour and modern day bard. His songs celebrate the goodness in people, the eccentric, the holy, the profound, the courageous, the inspiring, the beautiful.

FR (1/3), 7:30pm, White Horse Black Mountain, 105C Montreat Rd, Black Mountain

COMMUNITY WORKSHOPS

Embroiderers’ Guild of America: Laurel Chapter

The meeting is an outreach to Project Linus, a non-profit that provides blankets to children in crisis situations. The chapter members will be creating no-sew fleece blankets to be donated to the local chapter of Project Linus.

TH (1/2), 9:30am, Grace Lutheran Church, 1245 Sixth Ave W., Hendersonville

LITERARY

Pen to Paper Writing Group

Share stories of your life with others on the first and third Wednesday of each month.

WE (1/1), 10am, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Poetry Quartet:

R.K Fauth, Claudine R. Moreau, Britt Kaufmann & Raye Hendrix

A monthly poetry reading series coordinated by Mildred Barya. This month welcomes R.K. Fauth, Claudine R. Moreau, Britt Kaufmann, and Raye Hendrix. SU (1/5), 4:30pm, Malaprop's Bookstore and Cafe, 55 Haywood St Cherokee History & Stories Museum of the Cherokee People welcomes storyteller and historian Kathi Littlejohn (Eastern

Band of Cherokee Indians) for Cherokee History & Stories, a free educational series held on the first Sunday of the month.

SU (1/5), 3pm, Museum of the Cherokee People, 589 Tsali Blvd, Cherokee

Flooded Poetry

Each poet will be able to share 2-3 poems, and occasionally we will have local celebrity poets close out our night with a featured reading.

MO (1/6), 6:30pm, Flood Gallery, 802 Fairview Rd Ste 1200

Enka Evening Book Club: Tom Lake

The discussion book for January will Tom Lake by Ann Patchett. All newcomers are welcome to participate and no registration is required.

TU (1/7), 7pm, Enka-Candler Library, 1404 Sandhill Rd, Candler

THEATER & FILM

Foreign Film Fridays

Every Friday will feature a cozy movie night in the gallery featuring some amazing foreign films curated by our very own film-buff Carlos Steward.

FR (1/3), 7pm, Flood Gallery, 802 Fairview Rd Ste 1200

Film Screening: Home HOME, a collaboration of Sue Schroeder and filmmaker Adam Larsen, connects the foundations of human existence, home, body and nature as inextricably linked.

TH (1/9), 7pm, Black Mountain College Museum & Arts Center, 120 College St

The Stakeout

A moving parable about dysfunctional relationships between fathers and sons, following two FBI agents on a stakeout of two FBI agents on a stakeout of them.

TH (1/9), 7pm, Wortham Center for the Performing Arts, 18 Biltmore Ave

MEETINGS & PROGRAMS

First Day Hike

This 7-mile moderate hike with 1,082 feet of climbing will take us from Boyd Branch up to the North Boundary Ridge of the Bent Creek Experimental Forest.

WE (1/1), 10:30am, Bent Creek Experimental Forest Ledford Branch Trailhead Parking, 1577 Brevard Rd

IBN Biz Lunch: Hendersonville

All are invited to attend and promote their business, prod-

ucts, and services, and meet new referral contacts. Bring a big stack of business cards or flyers and invite your business contacts to attend.

TH (1/2), 11:30am, Thai Spice, 220 S King St, Hendersonville

Change Your Palate Cooking Demo

This free lunchtime food demonstration is open to all but tailored towards those with type 2 diabetes or hypertension and/or their caretakers.

TH (1/2), noon, AmeriHealth Caritas, 216 Asheland Ave

EveryDay Strong

A program that equips caring adults with training and tools to support the mental health and wellness of children aged 8 to 18.

TH (1/2), 1:30pm, AmeriHealth Caritas, 216 Asheland Ave

Vision Boarding for 2025

A fun and inspiring day of vision creation to set goals and visualize your new year. Use magazines, photos, and other materials to design a collage that represents dreams, aspirations, and goals.

TH (1/2), 2pm, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Free Sober Disc Golf

This is a great opportunity to get outside and get some exercise. It's also a fun time to meet others in recovery, build community and create connection. No experience is necessary.

TH (1/2), 3:30pm, Richmond Hill Park, 300 Richmond Hill Dr Vision Board Vibes

Enjoy an evening for adults to create inspirational vision boards for the new year while enjoying delicious food. Connect with like-minded individuals, set goals, and fuel your dreams in a creative and supportive environment.

FR (1/3), 5:30pm, Tempie Avery Montford Community Center, 34 Pearson Ave

Toolkit for the Modern Sage: Ancient Practice & Modern Times

This workshop is a mixture of dharma talk, journaling, pranayama, and asana practice that will help dive deep within yourself, with the support of this beautiful like-minded community.

FR (1/3), 7pm, W Asheville Yoga, 602 Haywood Rd

Kirtan w/Mantra Mandala

Kirtan is a sweet meditative practice of chanting mantras and divine names. You'll also be able to experience the healing power of bhakti yoga,

the yoga of love and devotion.

SA (1/4), 7:30pm, W Asheville Yoga, 602 Haywood Rd

Adult Community Basketball

Shoot some hoops or play a pick up game with friends. No pre-registration required.

SU (1/5), 1pm, Dr Wesley Grant Sr. Southside Community Center, 285 Livingston St New Year Serenity Sound Bath

Experience a deeply immersive, full-body sound and vibrational experience. A sound bath can cleanse your soul, restore your balance, surround you with peace and tranquility and stimulate healing.

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SU (1/5), 1:15pm, Center for Spiritual Living Asheville, 2 Science Mind Way

Family Open Gym

Weekly time in the gym reserved for all ages to shoot hoops and play other active games as a family.

SU (1/5), 4pm, Dr Wesley Grant Sr. Southside Community Center, 285 Livingston St Random Acts of Flowers: Floral Arrangements for Those Needing a Smile

Random Acts of Flowers improves the emotional health and well-being of individuals in healthcare facilities by delivering recycled flowers, encouragement, and personal moments of kindness.

MO (1/6), 10am, AmeriHealth Caritas, 216 Asheland Ave\

Dharma & Discuss w/ David McKay David brings a very interactive style. He will lead meditation and a conversation with the group on the Dharma, with many opportunities to ask questions, share insights, or listen and learn.

MO (1/6), 6:30pm, The Lodge at Quietude, 1130 Montreat Rd, Black Mountain

Rotary Tool Workshops

Carve, etch, and sand to creative freedom with a workshop that unlocks the potential of versatile handheld rotary tools for crafting with a priority on safe tool operation and attachment selection.

TU (1/7), 11am, Harvest House, 205 Kenilworth Rd

Therapeutic Recreation Adult Crafting

A variety of cooking and crafts, available at two different times. Advance registration required. Open to individuals ages 17+ with disabilities.

TU (1/7), 10am and 11am, Murphy-Oakley Community Center, 749 Fairview Rd

IBN Biz Lunch: East Asheville

All are invited to attend and promote their business, products, and services, and meet new referral contacts. Bring a big stack of business cards and flyers and invite your business contacts to attend.

TU (1/7), 11:30am, Suwana Asian Cuisine, 45 Tunnel Rd

Lunch & Learn Series

w/Rev. Michele Laub, RScP

This Lunch & Learn series was specifically designed for those of us who want to continue to expand our spirituality and are not comfortable driving in the dark. Bring your own lunch.

TU (1/7), noon, Center for Spiritual Living Asheville, 2 Science Mind Way

IBN Breakfast Club:

Mills Rivers

All are invited to attend and promote their business, products, and services, and meet new referral contacts. Bring a big stack of business cards and invite your business contacts to attend.

WE (1/8), 8am, Mills River Restaurant, 4467 Boylston Hwy, Mills River

Grant Southside Center Walking Club Walk inside in the gym or outside (if the weather is nice) with themed music each week.

WE (1/8), 10:30am, Dr Wesley Grant Sr. Southside Community Center, 285 Livingston St

Choosing Love w/ April E. Conner, RScP

In this workshop, with the use of meditation and exercises, you will walk away with specific and individualized

tools to remind you of the Love You Are.

WE (1/8), 6:30pm, Center for Spiritual Living Asheville, 2 Science Mind Way

WNC Sierra Club

Presents: Our Trees & Forests after Helene

Dr. Steve Norman will discuss Helene's devastating impacts on our forests with maps of greatest impacts, historical context, and current challenges of fire and more. While, Dr. Alison Ormsby will speak about Asheville's urban forest, the need for protection, restoring damage from Helene and other topics.

WE (1/8), 7pm, OLLI/ Reuter Center, UNCA, 300 Campus View Rd

IBN Biz Lunch: Brevard & Pisgah Forest

Bring a stack of business cards, and if you like, a door prize to add to our drawing at the end of the meeting.

TH (1/9), 11:30am, Hawg Wild Smokehouse & Taproom, 91 Pisgah Hwy, Pisgah Forest

GAMES & CLUBS

Bid Whist

Make bids, call trumps, and win tricks. Every Saturday for fun competition with the community.

SA (1/4), 1pm, Dr Wesley Grant Sr. Southside Community Center, 285 Livingston St

Bid Whist Group meets weekly with light refreshments and teams formed based on drop-in attendance.

MO (1/6), 5:30pm, Stephens-Lee Recreation Center, 30 George Washington Carver Ave

Ultimate Bid Whist & Spades

Bring a partner or come solo for a fun

evening of competitive bid whist and spades every Tuesday.

TU (1/7), 6pm, Linwood Crump Shiloh Community Center, 121 Shiloh Rd

KID-FRIENDLY PROGRAMS

Black Cat Tales: Story Time w/Cats

A special after-school workshop where families with children age 7 and under can relax and foster a love of reading while also socializing with the cats in the lounge.

FR (1/3), SA (1/4), 4pm, House of Black Cat Magic, Co., 841 Haywood Rd

Coloring w/Cats: Kiddie Edition

An artistic session with coloring books and markers for children ages 13 and under to relax by coloring as they pet cats to reduce stress and anxiety.

SA (1/4), 1pm, House of Black Cat Magic, Co., 841 Haywood Rd

Kids Quiet Play Session

Some benefits, especially useful for children, include mental clarity for distracted youngsters as well as immune boosting, respiratory relief and relief from skin conditions.

SU (1/5), 10am, Asheville Salt Cave, 16 N Liberty St

Rookie Readers

An engaging literacy program designed spe cifically for toddlers with an aim to foster a love for reading while nurturing creativity through crafts.

MO (1/6), 10:30am, Dr Wesley Grant Sr. Southside Community Center, 285 Livingston St

Little Adventurers Little Adventurers is designed to promote physical development,

coordination, and social skills through fun, safe, and engaging activities.

MO (1/6), 2pm, Tempie Avery Montford Community Center, 34 Pearson Ave

Tiny Tykes Wednesday Play Dates

Open play for toddlers to explore bikes, balls, inflatables, climbing structures, and more fun.

WE (1/8), 10am, Stephens-Lee Recreation Center, 30 George Washington Carver Ave

Beginner Climbing: Ages 5-7

A three-week instructional climbing class designed for beginners. Adults belay their own children.

TH (1/9), 12:30pm, Tempie Avery Montford Community Center, 34 Pearson Ave

LOCAL MARKETS

RAD Farmers Market

A vibrant mid-week market with dozens of high-quality artisan food businesses. Fresh

bar, where lively DJs, creative cocktails, and unbeatable vibes await. Dress to impress.

TU (12/31), 6pm, Urban Orchard Cider Co., 24 Buxton Ave

A Gilded Affair: District 42's New Year's Eve Party

An unforgettable evening of indulgence, live music, and dazzling festivities. Gather your friends, come dressed to impress and toast to new beginnings.

TU (12/31), 8pm, District 42, 7 Patton Ave

Time Machine: New Year’s Eve Dance Party

This is the first time Lovett has produced his popular Time Machine party in five years. Lovett will spin a new decade of music starting each hour on the hour.

TU (12/31), 9pm, Citizen Vinyl, 14 O'Henry Ave

BENEFITS & VOLUNTEERING

Low-Cost Community Cat Neuter Clinic

Cat Magic, and Paws

Mobile Vet now offer male cat neuters every other Thursday. You must schedule and pay for your appointment prior to showing up.

TH (1/2), 8am, House of Black Cat Magic, Co., 841 Haywood Rd

Oakley Community Closet

A cost-free opportunity to shop clothes, shoes, and toys. Donations for Oakley Community Closet happily accepted at Murphy-Oakley Community Center throughout the week.

WE (1/8), 1pm, Murphy-Oakley Community Center, 749 Fairview Rd

WNC Community Blood Drive

Each donation provides blood to WNC communities and can help save up to 3 lives. Brunch and donor gifts will be given out at the donation. Visit avl.mx/eem to make an appointment. TH (1/9), 9am, AmeriHealth Caritas, 216 Asheland Ave

Magical Offerings

01/04: Reader:

01/05: Reader:

01/13:

Asheville’s meme maestro

BY ADAM ROSEN

Have you ever pondered the connection between Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and the Asheville City Council’s position on new hotels?

Maybe you haven’t — but local comedian and meme-maker extraordinaire Petey Smith-McDowell certainly has. Over the past four years, SmithMcDowell has been parlaying his seemingly limitless knowledge of Asheville’s quirks and American pop culture into an Instagram meme account — @ peteysmithmcdowell — that’s become a must-follow for Asheville residents and comedy fans around the country. Every day, followers open up their apps to find his absurdist takes on topics both general (the Pritchard Park drum circle, hotels, downtown parking fees, the French Broad River, North Carolina) and niche (Ingles gas station points, the Guitar Guy, how

to pronounce Leicester, life coaches, Asheville’s unique flavor of freaky white people, Short Coxe Avenue and, of course, boil water advisories).

The 35-year-old Asheville native and co-producer of Disclaimer Comedy, a popular weekly open mic at Asheville Music Hall, has been performing standup for 16 years. But he credits his off-the-wall Instagram account, with its more than 12,000 followers — putting him in the top 20% of accounts by following, according to 2023 data from Statista — for boosting his profile to new, career-impacting heights. In a sign of his rising status, he was voted “Best Asheville Comedian” in this paper’s 2024 Best of WNC awards. Also, in the summer of 2023, one of his posts earned a like from Hollywood actor and former Asheville resident Andie MacDowell.

GETTING REEL

Regardless of its target, each of Smith-McDowell’s Instagram posts or reels — short clips that can include video, text, cartoons or animated gifs — has the winning combination of deep insider knowledge and perfectly apt pop-culture references.

His most popular reel to date, a December 2023 post about the North Carolina fast-food chain Cook Out, is a clip of NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Peyton Manning reciting a surreal chunk of play-calling jargon (“explode to gun double right-flip zebra scat left-Y drag-X hook F trail alert 52 sprint draw easy on two on two ready break”) alongside the caption, supplied by Smith-McDowell: “How people from North Carolina order their food from Cook-Out.” His posts and reels reg-

ularly get hundreds of likes, but this one earned 1.5 million views, 62,200 likes and 76,600 shares. In late October, a 10-slide post stuffed full of memes about Tropical Storm Helene earned 133,000 views.

It was The Rock’s turn to appear last March, in a reel Smith-McDowell made in response to an Asheville Citizen Times article announcing yet another planned hotel. Next to a caption reading “Asheville city council adding another hotel,” there’s a video sticker of the A-list actor and former wrestler performing one of his famous WWE minimonologues: “But regardless whether you like or you don’t like it, you love it, you hate it, one thing for damn sure: You are gonna respect it.”

Scrolling through one post after another, @peteysmithmcdowell starts to feel like a bizarro-world game of free association filtered through the mind of a millennial mad scientist whose tools are snippets of “Clarissa Explains It All,”

“The Real Housewives of Atlanta” and other bits of cable TV bric-a-brac. The result is a postmodern media mashup that’s as out there as it is cutting.

“I kind of look at it as like the oldschool political cartoons, where they would summarize an entire idea just in pictures,” says Cary Goff, a longtime comedy collaborator of SmithMcDowell’s and co-producer, along with Smith-McDowell and two others, of Disclaimer Comedy.

The Rock reel, for example, is funny and weird, but it also articulates — fairly or unfairly — a commonly voiced frustration that the city government isn’t doing enough to limit the construction of new hotels.

“I think they’re just intensely relatable,” says comedian Cayla Clark, host of the Blind Date Live dating show and an Asheville Instagram auteur in her own right. “[Petey] really knows all of the different demographics very well and is extremely observant. So he’s able to kind of poke fun at all the different demographics in Asheville, like the crystal girls.”

DROPPING ANCHOR

Like so many other brilliant ideas, it all started during a late night at the Asheville Yacht Club.

In 2020, Smith-McDowell was working the door. After his shift, he often stuck around, as much for the food and drinks as for the opportunity to witness the various human dramas that would play out at the popular downtown bar.

“It felt like the underbelly of the city. … Like [I was] a wizard in a bar with other weird people in the Harry Potter world,” he says. He would text jokes about things he witnessed to his friend and Yacht Club manager at the time, Amanda Kuykendall, and her partner.

At Kuykendall’s suggestion, SmithMcDowell decided to post a meme about late-night Yacht Club shenanigans to Instagram and tag her. (It was made under a different account, @ petey_parker, which he had created to help promote a new show he was hosting at the time, Petey’s Playhouse Comedy Showcase.)

As it turned out, Kuykendall wasn’t the only one who appreciated his takes. “[There’d] be like one Asheville meme for every 17 posts, but it’d get a lot of feedback,” he says.

He worked his way up to 1,200 followers, a modest but not unimpressive figure. Any momentum that was building, however, was stopped in its tracks when his account was hijacked by Nigerian scammers. (Yes, you read that right.)

It took weeks of Smith-McDowell and his friends making daily reports to Instagram for the account to be restored. In the meantime, he started

PETEY SMITH-MCDOWELL

giving more thought to the kind of social media presence he wanted to have. When he happened to overhear two fellow comics, Hilliary Begley and Chanel Ali, discussing their comedy brands, a light switched on.

“Chanel was looking at her [and says], ‘You can’t be the queen of Asheville.’ And my dumb brain was like, ‘I can be the queen of Asheville,’” he says. He decided to shift to Ashevillecentric humor and see how far he could take it, through another (nonhijacked) account, @peteysmithmcdowell. “It’s a niche on a niche on a niche on a niche thing,” he says. But it’s one he’s come to own.

SERIOUS WORK

Smith-McDowell traces the beginning of his career to his time attending A-B Tech. As part of his coursework in the drama department, he wound up taking a class on public speaking. In the process of preparing for his presentations, he accidentally got a crash course on the essential elements of comedy: tone, voice, audience and the like. “Basically, how to read a room,” he says.

In 2014 he moved to New York City to try to make it in the sitcom world. He worked for NBC as part of a program that recruited young writers to make pilots; none of the shows he worked on

were made, though he did contribute to an earlier version of “Kenan,” the sitcom starring “Saturday Night Live” veteran Kenan Thompson.

But he missed home. When his father had a heart attack, Smith-McDowell came back to town to help and decided to stick around for good.

In person, Smith-McDowell is much lower key than his madcap Instagram posts — almost deadpan. His laid-back demeanor and the playful content he creates, however, mask a serious work ethic. He says he averages three to four posts a week, each with roughly 10 slides; in total, that comes out to 30-40 memes a week. That’s a lot of creative effort.

As more and more comedians have taken to social media to build a fanbase, the field has grown exponentially more crowded — and attention has become that much harder to wrangle. To get a sense of scale, according to the social media management company Hootsuite, “694,000 reels are shared by DM [direct message] every minute.”

“Petey’s got to come up with funny stuff daily almost,” says Goff. “That’s part of the reason why I can’t deal with social media. I just don’t have the time to create that much content to build up a following.”

Though he’s been doing comedy since he was 19, Smith-McDowell says

he can detect a noticeable shift in his opportunities since he began meming regularly. This includes opening for comedian Hannibal Buress on several occasions (among other national names) and invitations to perform in cities outside Asheville. This year he’s hoping to leverage his growing popularity into a live clip show based off his memes.

Smith-McDowell is certainly enjoying his newfound success. But he says one of the coolest parts of his digi-

Lightning round

A few of Petey Smith McDowell’s favorite — and least favorite — things:

Favorite comedian of all-time (general): Mel Brooks

Favorite comedian of all-time (stand-up): Martin Lawrence and Bernie Mac

Most overrated comedian: Matt Riley

Favorite sitcom: “Living Single”

Most overrated sitcom: “Friends.” Same damn show, except with white people.

Favorite thing about Asheville: the people

tal act is the number of unexpected connections he’s made offline, such as when fans come up to him after shows and mention that they discovered him through his Instagram. He likes to compare himself to “a Young Frankenstein”: “I just create a monster and see what townsfolk it brings back.”

Follow Petey Smith-McDowell on Instagram at @peteysmithmcdowell or find him at 8 p.m. Wednesdays at the Disclaimer Comedy open mic at Asheville Music Hall, 31 Patton Ave. X

Dumbest thing about Asheville: the people

Favorite meme account (Asheville): @cryinginchickenalley

Favorite meme account (anywhere): @sainthoax

Favorite place to hang out: Asheville Music Hall, every Wednesday, eight o’clock! Least favorite place to hang out: The courthouse. I had jury duty right after the hurricane. Favorite restaurant in Asheville: Tiger Bay in West Asheville Most surprising thing about you: I know way too many white-people songs.

POSTS APOCALYPTIC: These memes by Petey Smith-McDowell, posted in late October, are among many of his offerings that have garnered a flood of attention and likes from followers. Art by Smith-McDowell

What’s new in food

Posana plans South Asheville expansion

Downtown restaurant Posana has announced plans to launch a second location in Biltmore Park Town Square in the spring. Since its debut in 2009, the contemporary American eatery renowned for its gluten-free offerings has become a fixture on the local food scene, popular with both locals and tourists.

The owners, chef Peter and Martha Pollay, say they’ve been pondering a second location for a while, spurred by concerns over the future viability of maintaining Posana’s downtown space. “We don’t know what will happen when it’s time to renew our lease in like four years,” says Martha. “In the event that that were to become unsustainable, we wanted to have our roots. And we wanted to grow.”

For the Pollays, those roots run deep in South Asheville. They live there and have raised their children there. And as folks who drive downtown for work daily, they understand that some locals may not have visited Posana because of its location.

“We’ve met so many people who have never been to Posana because they don’t go downtown,” Peter says.

The Biltmore Park space at 264 Thetford St. will allow the Pollays to lean into more neighborhood-focused hospitality in a less tourist-driven area of town. “I think we’ll build more roots with our customers because they’ll be in more frequently,” says Peter.

The new Posana will be open seven days a week, with a private dining room for events. In addition to beloved menu items like the kale salad and gnocchi, the Biltmore Park restaurant will expand its offerings to include lunch and weekend brunch.

Style-wise, the sleek space created by Stratton Design Group, Laura Hudson Architecture and BeverlyGrant General Contractors will be larger and more modern than the downtown location, which is housed in a historic 1885 building. “We’ll have a much bigger bar and lounge area there,” Martha says.

With the goal of being a true neighborhood spot for South Ashevilleans, the Pollays have designed the new space to facilitate relaxation and community bonding. “There will be a lot of nice nooks and areas where you can feel cozy,” says Martha. “We tried to create a lot of different seating types and styles, so there’s really not a bad seat in the house.”

Posana is also experiencing some staff changes and growth. This month, the restaurant added certified sommelier Jesus Zafiro as the general manager, and spirits specialist Nikki Dabbs has joined as assistant general manager.

For more information, visit avl.mx/eeh.

Flour is growing

In early December, Flour café and bakery announced plans to expand into the space formerly occupied by Bun Intended in the S&W Market. The original Flour location will remain in its current S&W space and continue serving breakfast biscuits, pastries and coffee. Flour’s new, second space, Flour Focaccia Sandwich Shop, will offer rotating focaccia pizzas, salads and hearty focaccia sandwiches. Follow Flour on Instagram for updates on the

DOUBLING DOWN: Posana owners Peter and Martha Pollay are set to open a second location of their downtown restaurant Posana this spring in Blitmore Park. Photo courtesy of Posana

launch timeline and plans for a grand opening celebration.

For more information, visit avl.mx/ee9.

Monday Magic

A new fundraiser is helping local bartenders who lost work and income due to Tropical Storm Helene. Every Monday, 5-10 p.m., the Low Down in West Asheville will host a bartender takeover, Monday Magic: A Benefit for Bartenders. Guest bartenders will create menus featuring drink specials and snacks then get behind the bar, receiving 50% of the sales and 100% of the tips. Organizer Casey Campfield, founder of the Low Down and downtown bar the Crow & Quill, says the benefit will continue into the new year for as long as folks want to participate.

For more information, visit avl.mx/ee8.

New sips for Dry January

Great news for sober folks or those doing Dry January: cousins Nathan Kelischek and Chris Zieber, founders of Appalachian Mountain Brewery (AMB), have launched Modern Alchemist Co., featuring a line of THC- and CBD-infused mocktails. Promising “high times without the hangover,” these cannabis-infused canned drinks are available in three flavors — margarita, Jungle Bird and citrus spritz. Each can features 5 milligrams of U.S. hemp-derived THC and CBD. The drinks are low in sugar and have fewer than 100 calories per can. Kelischeck and Zieber established AMB in 2011. In 2018, Craft Brew Alliance acquired the brewery, which was later added to Anheuser-Busch’s craft beer portfolio through a partner-

ship. In 2023, Kelischeck and Zieber bought AMB back from the corporate brewing giant. Since then, they’ve also opened a taproom in Mills River and started Mountain Hippie Soda Co.

Learn more about Modern Alchemist Co. at avl.mx/eea.

Local love at Cappella on 9

Capella on 9 announced in December that every Sunday, 5-11 p.m., is Locals Night at the downtown rooftop bar and restaurant. Deals include a $12 burger and beer special and half off on all bottles of wine.

Capella on 9 is on the roof of the AC Hotel Asheville at 10 Broadway. For more information, visit avl.mx/eeg.

Beradu reopens with a new breakfast concept

Beradu in Black Mountain has announced plans to reopen its restaurant on Wednesday, Jan. 8, with a new focus: full-service breakfast and lunch. Though Beradu’s specialty food market and deli reopened in October after closure from Tropical Storm Helene, the restaurant has remained closed while owners Maggie and Patrick Beraduce — who are expecting a baby in May — developed a new concept that would be more sustainable for their growing family, the business posted on social media in mid-December.

The menu will feature dishes such as house-made corned beef hash, eggs Benedict, build-your-own breakfast sandwiches, egg and potato skillets and griddled delights like mini-Dutch pancakes and sourdough French toast bread pudding.

The restaurant will be walk-in only. Hours will be 8 a.m.-2 p.m. WednesdaySaturday and 9:30 a.m.-6 p.m. Sunday. Sunday Italian Nights will continue monthly as will pop-up events and a supper club.

Beradu is at 2 E. Market St., Black Mountain. For more information, visit avl.mx/eei.

Strada and Gemelli launch initiatives for locals

Italian eateries Strada Italiano and Gemelli, owned by chef Anthony Cerrato, have launched several new deals for locals to ring in 2025. In December, Strada introduced a happy hour from 4-5 p.m. Sundays and Mondays featuring 50% off all housemade pastas and hand-tossed pizzas.

Through the end of January, Gemelli will offer happy hour every day from 4-5 p.m. featuring half off all items on the menu for dine-in only.

For the early birds, Gemelli has reopened for brunch on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, 10 a.m.-3 p.m., with a more American-driven menu featuring egg sandwiches, shrimp and grits, and biscuits and gravy. For Asheville locals, Mondays, 3-8:30 p.m., are now 828 Burger Night at Gemelli. The special features chef Gabe Cerrato’s Gemelli Burger (normally $17) — two smashed patties with smoked cheddar, onion, house-made pickle and aioli on a sesame bun — with rosemary fries for $8.28.

In the new year, Gemelli also plans to bring back its Wine by the Vines fivecourse paired wine dinners, with a new focus on wine regions outside Italy. The dinners cost $75 per person, including wine pairings, and take place on the third and fourth Thursdays of each month. January’s dinners will examine wines of Argentina.

Strada is at 27 Broadway; Gemelli is at 70 Westgate Parkway. For more information, visit avl.mx/bcw and avl.mx/bzw.

AIR accomplishments

On Dec. 16, Asheville Independent Restaurants (AIR) held a celebration honoring a cohort of local food service workers who completed the organization’s Financial Empowerment Program. The program is designed to provide hospitality workers with knowledge of budgeting, debt management, responsible credit use, investment strategies, homeownership and small-business planning. Each of the 20 participants met the program’s required savings goal and was awarded $1,000 in recognition of their hard work and commitment.

To learn more about AIR, visit avl.mx/asi.

Mercy Chefs in Black Mountain

On Dec. 19, Virginia-based disaster relief organization Mercy Chefs partnered with Reynolds Baptist Church to distribute groceries, toys and cookies to students and families at Black Mountain Primary and Elementary schools. The toys came from students from Florida’s Emerald Coast Fellowship, who received Mercy Chefs’ support in 2018 following Hurricane Michael. Mercy Chefs also donated new physical education equipment to replace items destroyed during Tropical Storm Helene, served lunch to school staff members and provided each staff member with a gift card.

by Kay West | kswest55@comcast.net

Mark Farina at The Mule

Expect a late night at Devil’s Foot Beverage Co.’s The Mule taproom on Sweeten Creek Road on Saturday Jan. 4, when dance music pioneer DJ Mark Farina is in the house with his signature blend of house music and mushroom jazz. What, you might ask, is mushroom jazz? According to Farina, it’s a mix of De La Soul-style hip-hop, disco classics and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. samples blended with jazzy West Coast beats, acid jazz grooves, Chicago house music and some ’90s New York hip-hop. Mushroom Jazz is also a series of eight musical compilations by Farina released from the 1990s through 2016 on cassette, CD and vinyl. Farina, who is known for performing extended sets, is donating all money from ticket sales to ArtsAVL’s Emergency Relief Grant fund, which provides relief and recovery resources for Asheville creatives in the aftermath of Tropical Storm Helene. The event is for

ages 18 and older and kicks off at 8 p.m. Admission is by sliding-scale donation, ranging from $15-$50. avl.mx/eee X

Nora Brown at The Grey Eagle

You say Brooklyn, I say … banjo? Brooklyn-born and raised Nora Brown has been described as a banjo prodigy by online magazine World Music Central, and on Sunday, Jan. 5, she’ll show Asheville why at The Grey Eagle. Taught to play ukulele as a 6-year-old by the late old-time musician Shlomo Pestcoe, as Brown’s talent revealed itself, she added fiddle, mandolin, guitar and banjo — which became her musical soulmate — to her repertoire. Brown is known for playing traditional Appalachian music with a focus on banjo styles from eastern Kentucky and Tennessee. She has won numerous banjo and folk song competitions at fiddlers conventions; has toured across the U.S., Europe and Japan; and played renowned festivals, including the Newport Folk Festival, Roskilde Festival in Denmark and the Trans-Pecos Festival of Music + Love in Marfa, Texas. Since 2019, Brown has released four albums on Brooklyn’s Jalopy Records label and performed

twice on National Public Radio’s Tiny Desk series. The show is for all ages — a good thing since Brown is just 18. Opening is North Carolina native and now Brooklynite Wyndham Baird. Doors open at 7 p.m., and the show starts at 8 p.m. Tickets are $17.95 to $29.25. avl.mx/eec X

Photo courtesy of Nick Loss-Eaton

Photo of Mark Farina courtesy of The Mule

Serenity Sound Bath

Sssssh. The past year was loud and chaotic, so sound practitioner Kristin Hillegas invites the community to start 2025 immersed in the healing vibrations of a New Year Serenity Sound Bath on Sunday, Jan. 5, at the Center for Spiritual Living (CSL). A sound bath is intended to cleanse the soul, restore balance, offer peace and tranquility and stimulate healing. Hillegas has been in the healing arts for 25 years. While playing crystal bowls at Sunday church services, she was inspired to pursue the study of vibrational sound healing, an ancient

meditative practice that uses a variety of instruments tuned at specific frequencies for healing the body and mind. The one-hour full-body sound and vibrational experience takes place 1:15-2:15 p.m. in the CSL’s educational building. Guests lie on the floor for the event; attendees should bring a yoga mat, pillow and blanket and wear warm, comfortable and flexible clothing. Doors will open for entry at 1 p.m. and close promptly at 1:15 p.m. to begin the event. The service is offered on a love-offering basis, with a suggested value of $25. avl.mx/eed X

Asheville Locals Showcase

Tropical Storm Helene significantly impacted local musicians, many of whom lost income while stages were dark. After learning that vocalist Madison Maxwell and drummer Gregg Webber of Asheville electro-witchcore band Bombay Gasoline had lost their home in the disaster, Dave Baker, bass player/singer with indie psych-rock group The Long Distance Relationship, organized the Asheville Locals Showcase. Happening Friday, Jan. 3, at The Orange Peel, the event will feature performances from Bombay Gasoline and Baker’s band as well as 45-minute sets from indie rockers Janx Spirit and alt-country noise band Tombstone Poetry. “Even before Helene, ever since I saw Asheville bands that play places like Fleetwood’s and The Odd on a big stage at a locals showcase at The Orange Peel, I thought of arranging one with my band,” Baker explains. The bands collectively decided to make the event a food drive to support MANNA FoodBank’s pantry, so guests are asked to bring nonperishable food items — particularly welcome are canned fruits

and vegetables, dried beans and proteins like chicken and tuna in pouches or cans. The music starts at 8 p.m.; tickets are $14 in advance, $17 day of show. avl.mx/eej X

Photo of Maxwell courtesy of Baker

Photo of Hillegas courtesy of Hillegas

CLUBLAND

FEEL-GOOD BAND: On Friday, Jan. 3, female-fronted band The Feels play at Highland Brewing Co., starting at 6 p.m. Fans can expect a fusion of indie-soul, R&B, funk and groove delivered through the dreamy vocal harmonies of Lange Eve and Sarah Roberts. Photo courtesy of Tom Farr

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1

EDA'S HIDE-A-WAY Bless Your Heart Trivia w/Harmon, 7pm

FLEETWOOD'S PSK Karaoke, 9pm

HI-WIRE BREWING: BILTMORE VILLAGE Free Weekly Trivia, 7pm

JACK OF THE WOOD PUB

Old Time Jam, 5pm

OKLAWAHA BREWING CO.

Bluegrass Jam w/ Derek McCoy & Friends, 6pm

SHILOH & GAINES Trivia Wednesdays, 7pm

SOVEREIGN KAVA Poetry Open Mic, 8pm

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2

FLOOD GALLERY

True Home Open Mic, 6pm

IMPERIÁL

DJ Nex Millen (hiphop, R&B), 9pm

JACK OF THE WOOD PUB

Bluegrass Jam w/ Drew Matulich, 7pm

LAZOOM ROOM

Modelface Comedy Presents: Laugh, 8:30pm

OKLAWAHA BREWING CO.

Collin Cheek (rock, folk, blues), 7pm

ONE WORLD BREWING

Buffalo Brown (jazz, blues, pop), 8pm

ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Fee Fi Phaux Fish (Phish tribute), 8pm

SHAKEY'S Karaoke w/Franco Nino, 9pm

STATIC AGE LOFT

Auto-Tune Karaoke w/Who Gave This B*tch A Mic, 10pm

VOODOO BREWING CO.

Music Bingo Thursdays, 7pm

FRIDAY, JANUARY 3

CROW & QUILL

DJ Dr. Filth (jazz, soul, R&B), 8pm

HIGHLAND

BREWING CO.

The Feels (indiesoul, blues), 6pm

JACK OF THE WOOD PUB

Jessie & the Jinx (country, honkytonk), 8pm

OKLAWAHA

BREWING CO.

Ten Toe Turbo (rock, funk, blues), 8pm

ONE WORLD

BREWING WEST Pink Mercury (multigenre), 8pm

SHAKEY'S • Big Blue Jams Band, 9pm

• Total Gold w/DJ Abu Disarray, 9pm

THE BURGER BAR Burger Bar Comedy, 7pm

THE GREY EAGLE Mike Farris (gospel, rock'n'roll), 8pm

THE ORANGE PEEL

The Long Distance Relationship, Bombay Gasoline & Janx Spirit (indie-rock, electro-rock), 8pm

THE SOCIAL Jon Cox Band (country), 9pm

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4

27 CLUB

77 Lies, Colossal

Human Failure & Skewer Rat (punk), 8pm

BATTERY PARK

BOOK EXCHANGE

Dinah's Daydream (jazz), 5pm

CROW & QUILL

Drayton & The Dreamboats (jazz, rock'n'roll), 8pm

FLEETWOOD'S Lower Peaks, Why, Why? & Garden

Apartments (indierock, surf-rock), 9pm

GINGER'S REVENGE

Eyes Up Here

Comedy, 7pm

HIGHLAND BREWING CO.

Ashley Heath & Her Heathens (Americana, rock), 5pm

IMPERIÁL

DJ Nex Millen (hiphop, R&B), 9pm

JACK OF THE WOOD PUB

• Nobody’s Darling String Band, 4pm

• Alma Russ w/the Boondockers (Appalachian, country, folk), 9pm

OKLAWAHA

BREWING CO.

Trio de Janeiro (multi-genre), 8pm

ONE WORLD BREWING WEST

Saturday Sessions

AVL: The Takeover, 8pm

SLY GROG LOUNGE

Digital Wasteland

w/BlackNote & BLKSVN (EDM, bass, dubstep), 8pm

THE GREY EAGLE

Abby Bryant & Dr. Bacon (Americana, Appalachian-funk, rock'n'roll), 8pm

THE MULE

Mark Farina (house, mushroom-jazz), 8pm

THE ORANGE PEEL

End of the Line (Allman Brothers tribute) & Frankly Scarlet (Grateful Dead tribute), 8:30pm

THE WHITE RABBIT

AT WATER STREET

Techno Samadhi (psych-techno), 6pm

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5

FLEETWOOD'S Gary Jules, Sounding Arrow & Lavender

Blue (indie, Americana), 4pm

FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY

Reggae Sunday w/ Chalwa, 3pm

HIGHLAND BREWING CO.

Grateful Sunday (Grateful dead tribute), 2pm

IMPERIÁL

DJ Mad Mike (hip-hop, indie, electronic), 9pm

JACK OF THE WOOD PUB

• The Bluegrass Boys, 12pm

• Traditional Irish Music Session, 3:30pm

THE GREY EAGLE

Nora Brown w/Wyndham Baird (folk, old-time), 8pm

MONDAY, JANUARY 6

27 CLUB

Monday Night Karaoke w/Ganyemede, 9pm

CATAWBA BREWING CO. SOUTH SLOPE ASHEVILLE Musicians in the Round: Monday Open Mic, 5:45pm

– Eric and Ellen Vontillius

HIGHLAND

BREWING CO.

Trivia Night w/Two Bald Guys & A Mic, 6pm

IMPERIÁL

DJ Otto Maddox (soul, funk), 9pm

JACK OF THE WOOD PUB

Quizzo! Pub Trivia w/Jason Mencer, 7:30pm

OKLAWAHA

BREWING CO.

Takes All Kinds Open Mic Nights, 7pm

ONE WORLD

BREWING WEST

Mashup Mondays w/ JLloyd, 8pm

STATIC AGE RECORDS

Listening Skills, On the Block & All Blissed Out (punk, metal, oi), 9pm

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7

IMPERIÁL

DJ Mad Mike (hip-hop, indie, electronic), 9pm

LOBSTER TRAP

Dinah's Daydream (jazz), 6:30pm

OKLAWAHA

BREWING CO.

Team Trivia, 7pm

ONE WORLD BREWING WEST

The Grateful Family Band Tuesdays (Grateful Dead tribute), 6pm

SHAKEY'S Booty Tuesday w/DJ Tamagotchi, 10pm VOODOO BREWING CO.

Trivia Tuesday w/ Principal Mike, 7pm

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8

ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL

Stand-Up Comedy Open Mic, 8pm

EDA'S HIDE-A-WAY

Bless Your Heart Trivia w/Harmon, 7pm

EULOGY

Live Music Bingo, 7pm FLEETWOOD'S PSK Karaoke, 9pm

HI-WIRE BREWING:

BILTMORE VILLAGE

Free Weekly Trivia, 7pm

IMPERIÁL

DJ Otto Maddox (soul, funk), 9pm

JACK OF THE WOOD PUB

Old Time Jam, 5pm

OKLAWAHA

BREWING CO.

Bluegrass Jam w/ Derek McCoy & Friends, 6pm

ONE STOP AT ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL 5j Barrow (folk, indie-rock), 10pm

SHILOH & GAINES

Trivia Wednesdays, 7pm

SOVEREIGN KAVA Poetry Open Mic, 8pm

THE ODD Red Beard Wall & Gnarled (rock, metal), 8pm

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9

BATTERY PARK

BOOK EXCHANGE

Mike Kenton & Jim Tanner (jazz), 5pm

FLOOD GALLERY

True Home Open Mic, 6pm

IMPERIÁL

DJ Mark Majors (hip-hop, funk, R&B), 9pm

OKLAWAHA

BREWING CO.

J.Dunks (folk, rock, pop), 7pm

ONE WORLD BREWING

Curious Strange (folk), 8pm

ONE WORLD

BREWING WEST

Fee Fi Phaux Fish (Phish tribute), 8pm

SHAKEY'S Karaoke w/DJ Franco, 9pm

THE ORANGE PEEL

Charlie Starr w/ Benji Shanks & Stevie Tombstone (folk, country), 8pm

VOODOO

BREWING CO.

Music Bingo Thursdays, 7pm

FREEWILL ASTROLOGY

ARIES (March 21-April 19): There are experiences, people, and places that can either be good for you or bad for you. Which way they tilt at any particular time may depend on your mood or their mood or forces beyond your immediate control. An example for me is social media. Sometimes it’s a mediocre drug that dulls my sensibilities and aggravates my fears. On other occasions, it brings rich new connections and teaches me lessons I’m thrilled to learn. What about you, Aries? In my astrological view, 2025 will be a time when you will be wise to re-evaluate and redefine your relationships with these paradoxical resources. If there are some whose influence is far more likely to be bad than good, consider ending your bond. For those that are equally bad and good, do what you can do to enhance the goodness.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Taurus supermodel Linda Evangelista has supreme levels of self-esteem. At the height of her career, she bragged that she got out of bed each morning with the intention of earning no less than $10,000 in the coming day. I’m not advocating that you be equally audacious in your expectations during 2025, dear Taurus. But it’s reasonable for you to adopt at least a measure of Evangelista’s financial confidence. According to my analysis of your destiny, cosmic rhythms will be conspiring to open up economic opportunities for you.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In 2025, dear Gemini, I invite you to make ample use of at least five of the following 11 tactics: 1. Shatter the molds. 2. Defy the conventions. 3. Challenge the norms. 4. Redefine the boundaries. 5. Disrupt the status quo. 6. Defy old rules and create new ones. 7. Go against the flow and against the grain. 8. Bushwhack through frontiers. 9. Dance to unfamiliar rhythms. 10. Search for curious treasures. 11. Change the way you change.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Good advice for the first half of 2025: 1. Lose your respect for tangled complications that have begun to rot. 2. Keep some of your necessary protective defenses, yes, but shed those that no longer serve you and are weighing you down. 3. Bury a broken-down dream to make room in your heart for a sweet new dream. 4. Scour away as much resentment as you can. 5. Sneak away from people and situations that are far too demanding. 6. Discard as much as you can of what’s inessential, unhelpful, and defunct. 7. Don’t make a radical break for freedom yet, but begin plotting to do so by your birthday.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The coming months will be an excellent time to dream up bigger, better, more original sins and seek out wilder, wetter, more interesting problems. You should experiment with being naughty and even sweetly wicked as you uplift your spirit and deepen your love for life. You are being invited by your future self to experiment with daring departures from tradition that bring you exciting challenges. Dear Leo, my wish for you in 2025 is that you will be cheerfully courageous (not belligerently courageous) as you become both smarter and wiser than you have ever been before.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Aztecs were originally known as the Mēxihcah people. Before they forged an empire, they were semi-nomadic tribes. But even then, early on, they were guided by a prophecy that they would eventually settle permanently in a place where they found an eagle roosting on a cactus holding a snake in its talons. In 1325, wanderers spied this precise scenario on a small island in Lake Texcoco. Soon they began to construct the city of Tenochtitlan, the capital of their future kingdom. I bring this true myth to your attention, Virgo, because I want to invite you to formulate a similar prophecy in 2025 — and then fulfill it. Your personal empire is primed for expansion and consolidation.

BY ROB BREZSNY

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): As 2025 unfolds, your burdens will grow lighter, and your duties will become more interesting. Joyless missions and trivial hopes will be increasingly irrelevant and easy to relinquish, opening up opportunities for fresh assignments that motivate you to play more and to work smarter rather than harder. During the coming months, dear Libra, I predict you will be basking in extra good karma and tapping into more fertile mojo than you have in a long time. Would you like more freedom than ever before? It’s yours for the plucking.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Painter P. K. Mahanandia is well-known because of his fine art. He is even more famous for an amazing adventure he had in the name of love. It’s a long story, but his wife was living in her native Sweden while he was stuck in his native India. Mahanandia was still at an early stage of his career and couldn’t afford to fly by plane. Instead, he bought a used bicycle and headed west, covering about 27 miles per day. He pedaled through Afghanistan, Iran, and Turkey until he arrived in Europe 127 days later. He had raised money by drawing portraits of people he met along the way, so he had enough to travel by train the rest of the way to Sweden. I’m thinking you may have an epic romantic adventure yourself in 2025, Scorpio. Maybe not quite as extreme, but very interesting.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To symbolize your destiny in 2025, I drew a Tarot card. It was the 9 of Cups. Here’s my four-part interpretation: 1. Sometime soon, you should identify your top desires and ruminate about how to express them in the most beautiful and fulfilling ways possible. 2. Take a vow that you will shed half-hearted, insecure approaches for bringing them to fruition. 3. Be uninhibited about seeking not just a partial but a complete version of each fulfillment. 4. Figure out which allies you will need in your life to manifest the happiest and most meaningful outcomes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You’re the most pragmatic sign of the zodiac and are most highly skilled at getting constructive things done. It’s also true that you thrive on organizing the chaotic details of our messy world into smooth-functioning systems. But I periodically need to remind you that these superpowers of yours require you to nurture a vigorous and rigorous imagination. All of what you ultimately accomplish originates in the fantasy realm. This will be especially crucial for you to keep in mind during 2025.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The “Mona Lisa” is a world-famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. Beneath its visible surface is evidence that the artist reworked it extensively. There are at least three earlier versions with different facial features. In one, the figure has eyebrows and is wearing hairpins and a headdress. These details were scrubbed out of the image that now hangs in the Louvre Museum in Paris. I bring this to your attention, Aquarius, because I suspect you have been engaged in a comparable process as you have worked on your labor of love. In my reckoning, you’re finished with your false starts, practice runs, and dress rehearsals. In the coming months, you can make excellent progress toward ripening and culminating your creation.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Ancient Greek literature references a drug called nepenthe. Anyone who ingested it would forget memories that stirred pain and sorrow. Many of us modern people might consider taking such medicine if it were available. But let’s imagine a very different potion: one that arouses vivid memories of all the wonderful experiences we have been blessed with. If there were such a thing, I would recommend that you sample it frequently in the months to come. That’s because your relationship with the good parts of your past will be especially useful and inspirational. In fact, drawing on their power will be instrumental in helping you create your best possible future.

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28 Rose Bowl city

31 Hospital dept. that sounds like a sentence

34 Light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak

37 Symbols of longevity in Chinese iconography

39 Corn, beans and squash, in Mesoamerican tradition ... or a hint to six answers in this puzzle

42 Home to horned vipers and deathstalker scorpions

43 Scorch

44 Hold (down)

45 Member of a 2000s showbiz family

48 ___ Quentin, Calif.

49 Meditative discipline

50 Member of

59 Singer known as the “Queen of Tejano Music”

61 Member of a 2000s showbiz family

63 Linguistic “stems”

65 In an online convo, perhaps

66 Clever person

67 Universal donor’s classification

68 Flexible Flyer, for one

69 Good-looking couple?

DOWN

1 African city that’s home to the W.E.B. Du Bois Centre

2 Poet Leonard

3 “Crying in ___,” best-selling memoir of 2021

4 Gaelic homeland

5 Dwellings

6 “___ on your life!”

7 Pay attention to

8 Barely gets (by)

11 Home of the highest and lowest points on the earth’s surface

12 Party pooper

13 Eye malady

15 Composer Schumann

21 Final two words of “Over the Rainbow”

25 Patisserie purchase

27 Southwest ski resort with lifts up to 12,450 feet

28 Ball pythons, at times 29 Pulitzer-winning novelist Anthony

Fake 31 “Understood” 32 Michael who played Allan in “Barbie” 33 Home to Leningrad, for short 34 Link prefix 35 “Fancy meeting you here!”

40 Maori ceremonial dance

41 River that provides the largest inflow into the Mediterranean

46 Fit together

47 Celebrity gossip show

48 14-pound unit

50 Former presidential candidate who served as Biden’s climate envoy

51 Not mainstream

52 Ship poles

53 Short routine

54 “Goodness gracious!”

55 Do a grillmaster’s job

57 69-Across, poetically

58 Père ___ (Santa’s French counterpart)

60 Effortless stride 62 One’s self 64 Flamenco cry