Mountain Xpress 01.03.24

OUR 30TH YEAR OF WEEKLY INDEPENDENT NEWS, ARTS & EVENTS FOR WESTERN NORTH CAROLINA VOL. 30 NO. 23 JAN. 3-9, 2024

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JAN. 3-9, 2024

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C O NT E NT S

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FEATURES 6

LOOKING FORWARD City plans to shore up buildings, parking structures

10 THE MARVELOUS MOMS MABLEY Brevard honors groundbreaking Black female comic with historical marker

31 THE WAY WE WERE Asheville’s comedic history runs deep

36 PAID CONTENT FROM HCA HEALTHCARE Did you know Mission Hospital has a pizza oven? You do now!

HUMOR ISSUE Our annual Humor Issue features the finest (fake) news money can buy. To kick off the new year, our crackerjack staff reports on luxurious canines, embraces AI, interprets historical photos and makes bold predictions on what lies ahead for Asheville in 2024. If none of it makes you chuckle, please return the issue to one of our purple distrubtion boxes and pretend this never happened.

COVER ILLUSTRATION Brent Brown COVER DESIGN Scott Southwick 4

LETTERS

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CARTOON: MOLTON

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CARTOON: BRENT BROWN

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NEWS

12 NEWS BRIEFS 14 XPRESSERS ALMANAC

Best of WNC for 10 years in a row!

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26 THE FUNNY PAGES 38 BEST MEDICINE An inside look at the local comedy scene

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40 COLORFUL CREW Pink Dog Creative’s latest group exhibit showcases various mediums

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OPINION

Send your letters to the editor to letters@mountainx.com.

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We need a new plan, Asheville Asheville Police Chief David Zack is retiring.

The real story is that he resigned after giving oversight to the local response to the COVID pandemic, the George Floyd protests with highway blockages and resistance, and the Asheville police force being budgeted down to 60% occupancy.

All from February 2020 to now.

The negative effect all of this has had on Asheville and the surrounding area can be mostly heard and felt through the exacting words of Asheville local businesspeople, several of whom are friends or acquaintances. The crime rate is up over the past two years in the city of Asheville. Business owners complain about the general condition of safety for them and for locals and tourists.

The overall tourist numbers are down in Asheville because some news outlets are writing articles on how Asheville used to be the mountain destination east of the Mississippi and now is traversing downhill in overall safety. Tourists are changing their plans.

At times, what sounds good in concept becomes a disaster in reality. This is what we have here.

Reducing the Asheville police force to direct funds elsewhere for social progress has not worked out well for Asheville.

Asheville deteriorates while city and civic leaders cannot come to agreement on a reparations pro-

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gram, the initial primary goal for local social progress.

Our new interim police chief, Michael Lamb, City Manager Debra Campbell and the Council need to listen to a new plan so that Asheville can regain the national reputation it once had as the Eastern mountain destination.

Let’s operate in the reality of real numbers and not simply unproven goals and suppositions.

— Joel Brickner Fletcher

Help community bike space find a new home We are at risk of losing a massive community resource, and I’m surprised that the Xpress has not covered this issue.

The Asheville Recyclery has been a longtime institution in Asheville (21 years! Way before we were Beer City USA!) that supports people of every income, age and ability to have access to a bike.

It is an all-volunteer nonprofit 501(c)(3) community bike space focusing on sharing the skills to build and maintain a sustainable form of transportation. Staff mechanics volunteer to teach all aspects of bicycle maintenance in a hands-on, inclusive environment where no one is turned away for a lack of funds.

Plus, they take donations of unusable bikes and reassemble them into awesome working bikes!

For the past 15 years, they have been located behind the co-op, but

they have been asked to relocate by the end of January.

They are looking for 1,000 square feet of space or less, with some outdoor storage. It doesn’t need to be nice, just affordable ($400 or less).

It could also be an entirely outdoor space or an empty lot. It really needs to be bike accessible, so centrally located, with a commitment that if they build the infrastructure, they can stay. See [avl.mx/d8r].

Seriously, Asheville, we have the money for endless developments and a nauseating amount of breweries — certainly, we can find a corner to house this incredible community resource. With all the traffic pouring into Asheville, more folks on bikes is wonderful thing! You can reach out to the volunteers at the Recyclery at 828-255-7916.

Please support this amazing community resource!

— Jen Hyde Asheville

Why won’t medical offices answer the phone?

It is so frustrating to call any medical practice (since COVID) and be put on hold or leave a message requesting a return call and never have anyone answer or return your call in a timely fashion. What in the world is going on?

We know that everyone everywhere is short-staffed, but it would seem to me one of the most important positions to hire for would be a phone receptionist. One who could keep the flow of one’s business consistent. The community seems to be at the mercy of primarily medical offices, along with many other types of businesses that don’t have time to pick up their ringing phones.

This is a terribly negative position for patients and clients of all sorts.

All leads back to the fact that there are positions out there to fill and yet no one to fill them. I’m not sure that any of that makes sense, either.

We pay for the service of these providers yet do not receive the service we have received in past years — even using a patient portal. I just took time filling out the questions and the whole system shuts off. I am a resident who does not own a computer, and often my phone will not allow me to fill in the needed medical information.

The system needs attention! Any ideas, suggestions or comments would be welcome. I’m a believer that the whole community feels the effect.

Time to listen up folks, literally.

— Autumn Squirrell Asheville

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NEWS

Looking forward

City plans to shore up buildings, parking structures

BY CHASE DAVIS cdavis@mountainx.com Following two studies, most of Asheville’s 82 city-owned buildings and four garages received a C grade.

Local officials are working on a plan to address critical structural needs, knowing that the city’s $1 million annual budget for maintaining facilities isn’t going to cut it.

“It is about what we expected,” says Walter Ear, capital projects construction program manager, referring to the C grade. “However, we have some changes to make in order to improve and even maintain that grade. If funding for facility maintenance stays the same, that C will begin to drop rapidly toward an F, and many of our facilities will be in a nearly failed state.”

According to Ear, the city needs $3.5 million annually just to hold steady. That amount would cover only a “maintenance-only” model, precluding any growth, improvements or additions.

“The $3.5 million model would just get us to status quo, but there would be very limited room for any improvements,” says City Manager Debra Campbell. “Clearly, there are a lot of needs, and we think we have a way that we can address those needs. It is just going to take some time.”

The first study consisted of two parts, says capital projects director Jade Dundas. The first was a $148,000 contract with Cary-based Brightly Software to assess facility conditions and buy Capital Predictor software.

The second was a $348,000 contract with Charlotte-based Creech and Associates for “everything else,” says dundas, including a space-needs analysis, comprehensive capital planning and a final report.

BIG CHANGES: Walter Ear, capital projects construction program manager, says that the fire or police department, both currently headquartered in the Municipal Building, must acquire new space to effectively serve the city. Photo courtesy of the City of Asheville “More than 70% of city-owned facilities are older than their expected useful lives,” says Dundas. “This study was the first step in a long process of getting our facilities back up to par.”

Dundas says that the report will be available to the public in the next few months after it is reviewed for safety-sensitive content.

UPDATING THE MUNICIPAL BUILDING A large focus of the study was the Asheville Municipal Building at 100

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Court Plaza, which houses the headquarters for both the Asheville police and the fire departments. The study says the departments need 13,000 square feet more than they have.

Ear says that either the fire or police department must acquire new space to effectively serve the city.

“Both departments will have to maintain existing operations while construction is underway,” says Ear. “The easiest way to do that is to build a new space first [and] move people into that new swing space. Then, while the other building is unoccupied, you can make the necessary renovations.”

Ear says that the city could add a building at Parkside, a 2.4-acre cityowned assemblage of seven parcels adjacent to City Hall and the Municipal Building. Parkside is used as a city employee and motor pool parking.

“The conceptual plan is a paired development, which will include a new development at Parkside and a reuse and renovation of the Municipal Building,” says Ear. “The fire department headquarters and Fire Station 1 would be relocated to Parkside, which would also eventually include a parking deck and a civic complex. From there, the next phase would repurpose and renovate the Municipal Building for a new APD headquarters.”

During the Nov. 14 work session presentation, Council member Kim Roney asked if the city had considered adding floors to the Municipal Building, rather than developing an all-new property.

Ear said it is often more expensive to go “up,” and the need for a swing space would still have to be addressed.

However, he acknowledged that city staff had not looked into that option but could investigate further.

As proposed, it is estimated that the plan would cost $145 million. If approved as a part of the 2024-25 Capital Improvement Plan, the new AFD building is estimated to be completed by 2030, while the Municipal Building renovations would be completed by 2033. The civic complex and parking deck at Parkside would be the last to be completed, estimated for 2034.

The concept proposed is the “most cost-effective option,” which keeps fire and police headquarters near the seat of city government, Ear said at the work session.

Campbell stressed that the proposal is a “possibility,” but that more research and planning is needed. “We are trying to look long term, and if we are going to do this, we ought to go

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While not discussed at length during the work session, another proposal for the Municipal Building is a new police academy. Posed by then-Police Chief David Zack during the City Council’s annual retreat in March, Campbell says that an academy would help train new officers faster and more efficiently.

“I want to be clear: We did not ask departments to tell us everything that they want; we looked at our most critical needs that will help us to provide better services for our community,” says Campbell. “[The academy] was identified by APD as a need, and we think it would be extremely impactful and could help to alleviate issues of staffing.”

As it stands now, those selected as police officer trainees attend A-B Tech’s Basic Law Enforcement Training academy. It’s 18-20 weeks long, and cadets are paid as full-time employees while attending. However, if trainees were trained in-house, it would shorten the onboarding process and lower training costs.

PROBLEMS WITH PARKING The city also spent $308,595 to study the city’s four parking garages. The study, done by Charlotte-based Walker Consultants, found signs of structural deterioration and noncompliance with Americans with Disabilities Act standards, adding up to $11.3 million in “high-priority” repairs.

Enrique Villalobos, restoration consultant with Walker Consultants, told Xpress that the garages were last renovated 12-16 years ago. Villalobos says that the city’s policy of reactive maintenance has led to significant issues.

“Over time, the condition of any structure will begin to deteriorate,” says Villalobos. “If you take the approach of not performing any preventative maintenance or only reactively maintaining a structure, the rate of deterioration will be slow at the beginning but will increase drastically over time. On the other hand, if you implement preventative maintenance from the beginning, you will extend the life of the structure.”

According to Villalobos, several repairs and renovations need to be done by 2025 to avoid “structural failures.” High-priority work includes supplemental support for concrete corbels (a weight-carrying bracket) and repairing steel framing in elevators and stairwells. Villalobos also

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NEW BUILDING: Walter Ear, capital projects construction program manager, says that the city could add a building at Parkside, which would keep the fire and police headquarters near the seat of city government. Rendering courtesy of the City of Asheville emphasizes the importance of getting the garages in compliance under the Americans with Disability Act. “All of the garages, with the exception of the Biltmore Avenue Garage, were constructed prior to ADA,” says Villalobos. “However, compliance is required anytime that elements related to accessibility are altered. That means that any renovations, even things such as restriping, will require the city to get the facilities back into ADA compliance.”

The list of noncompliance includes accessible parking space signs installed too low, running and cross slopes exceeding maximum allowable limits in accessible parking spaces and accessible routes, and a lack of accessible parking spaces adjacent to entrances/exits.

While the structure of the garage itself prohibits some change, such as the slope of the ramps and vertical clearance of the building, Villalobos says that his firm “highly recommends that these conditions be addressed to the maximum extent feasible.”

Ken Putnam, transportation director for Asheville, says that his department is already acting on recommendations associated with ADA compliance. Asheville City Council approved a $279,940 contract with Monroe-based Cinderella Partners in fall 2023 to address structural repairs. Work will likely be finished in late winter or early spring.

“We’re definitely on track to get our garages back into shape. We know that if you don’t follow a preventative maintenance plan and you defer maintenance, you hit a point where you better catch up,” Putnam says. “Currently, we’re at that point.

We’ve got to catch up. And from then on, we have a plan to keep it going.”

NEXT STEPS Both studies mark the beginning of a multiyear process of mapping out the city’s priorities for the Capital Improvement Plan budget for fiscal year 2024-25.

Tony McDowell, the city’s finance director, says the city might use general obligation bonds to pay for the work. In 2016, Asheville voters approved three GO bond referendums totaling $74 million for infrastructure.

Since then, the city has funded over 40 projects, targeting areas related to affordable housing, transportation, and parks and recreation.

“We have a lot of needs out there, and one of the best ways of getting additional resources to meet those needs is through GO bond referendums,” McDowell told Xpress. “We do not typically have the resources to fund big infrastructure projects through our operating budget, so it makes sense to issue bonds for those projects, as they are the ones that are going to benefit the community for many years to come.”

Meanwhile, Dundas calls the 2016 slate of projects a huge success. “While it is ultimately up to the Council and Asheville residents to determine if we will use more bond funding in the future, I think it would be beneficial as it would allow us to tackle more of the bigger infrastructure projects that will benefit the community,” he says.

City Council is expected to discuss the 2024-25 CIP budget and GO bonds at its council retreat in February. X

SNAPSHOT

AT THE READY: The City of Asheville Fire and Police Departments held an “uncoupling ceremony” Dec. 14 to celebrate the opening of the Broadway Public Safety Station at 316 Broadway St. (Instead of a ribbon cutting, fire departments traditionally will uncouple two fire hoses.) APD Deputy Chief Jackie Stepp, center left, and interim Fire Chief Chris Budzinski, center right, were flanked by the mayor, city manager and members of City Council for the uncoupling. The Broadway Public Safety Station contains the city’s emergency operations centers, workspace for APD, living quarters for AFD, a gym for use by both departments and bays for three vehicles. Photo by Jessica Wakeman

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JAN. 3-9, 2024

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NEWS

The Marvelous Moms Mabley Brevard honors groundbreaking Black female comic with historical marker

BY ADAM ROSEN adammrosen@gmail.com Before there was Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers, Richard Pryor or even Ida Mae “Granny” Jensen (the wisecracking, man-hungry grandma from Eddie Murphy’s remake of The Nutty Professor), there was Brevard-born Moms Mabley.

Clad in a frumpy housedress, bucket hat and sporting a knowing, toothless smirk, Mabley appeared on stages and TV screens across the U.S. as a delightfully inappropriate senior with a penchant for dispensing down-home truths and not-sothin sexual innuendos. Her finely honed act spanned some 50-plus years and transported her from a hustling road comic on the Chitlin’ Circuit to gold-certified recording artist — and, in 1962, the first woman (of any race) to headline Carnegie Hall.

Despite being widely considered one of the founders of stand-up comedy and “the funniest woman in the world” — as the marquees advertising her appearances so often put it — there was little official acknowledgment in her hometown of her accomplishments. That changed on Oct. 20, when the City of Brevard dedicated a historical marker to Moms on West Main Street.

What was involved in getting Moms her long-deserved recognition? In her famous words, “I got somethin’ to tell you.”

EARLY YEARS IN WNC While specific details of Mabley’s early life are hazy and often contradictory — down to the year of her birth — here are the rough contours.

According to a research report prepared by Brevard’s associate city planner, Aaron Bland, in advance of the marker’s dedication, Mabley was born Loretta Mary Aiken in 1894 or 1897. She was one of at least 10 children born to Mary Smith Aiken and James P. “Jim” Aiken, a local businessman and volunteer firefighter; Jim was the son of Jane Aiken Hall, a former enslaved person (like Jim, who was born in 1861), and her enslaver. The family lived in a two-story home on Oaklawn Avenue, less than a quarter-mile from Brevard’s present-day 10

JAN. 3-9, 2024

THE EYES HAVE IT: Born Loretta Mary Aiken in Brevard, Moms Mabley went on to enjoy a long career in comedy. Public domain photo downtown, and enjoyed something of a middle-class existence.

In August 1909, the family’s world was upended when Jim died in an explosion while responding to a fire.

To this day, he is believed to be the only firefighter in Brevard who died in the line of duty, says Bland. The tragedy hit the small town hard.

The Brevard News reported in a laudatory obituary that Aiken was “the most widely known colored man in Western North Carolina,” and his death was “a distinct loss to our town.” So many residents attended the funeral it had to be held at a larger white church nearby.

Details of Loretta’s life in Brevard after her father’s death are especially murky, but by most reputable accounts, it was extremely tumultuous. Her mother got remarried to a man Loretta did not get along with, and the couple eventually moved

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north, leaving Loretta in the care of her grandmother Jane. Sometime during this period, Loretta was raped twice and gave birth to two children.

THE STAGE BECKONS In the mid-1910s, Loretta took a trip up north and fell in with a traveling minstrel group on the Chitlin’ Circuit, the name for the network of entertainment venues catering to Black audiences during segregation.

(She purportedly added three years to her age at the suggestion of her grandmother, which may explain the uncertainty over her exact year of birth.)

Like many stage performers at the time, dancing and singing were part of her skill set, but her quick-witted comic performances were her

most popular offerings. At some point, she began billing herself as Jackie Mabley as a nod to a former boyfriend named Jack Mabley. (“I was real uptight with him, and he certainly was real uptight with me; you’d better believe. He took a lot off me, and the least I could do was take his name,” she explained in a 1974 interview in Ebony magazine.)

Along with the new name, she developed her bawdy, straightshooting-old-woman persona of Moms — a character based, she said, on one of her own grandmothers. Eventually, she fully embraced her comedy alter ego, riding it to additional ticket sales and increasing fame.

In 1939, Mabley became the first performer to be given a solo show at the famous Apollo Theater in Harlem. In the view of Bambi Haggins, associate professor of film and media studies at the University of California-Irvine, this was a major milestone for both Mabley and the world of comedy.

Unlike a variety show, during a solo performance “it’s [just] you and the mic. There aren’t extras. It’s not a team. It’s not a sketch,” says Haggins, who has written extensively on Mabley and was featured in the Emmy-winning 2013 documentary, Whoopi Goldberg Presents Moms Mabley. “You have a clear persona, you have someone who becomes known for just being [a performer] and a mic.”

Mabley’s breakthrough with mainstream — i.e., white — audiences occurred in 1962 when she became the first woman to headline Carnegie Hall. In the mid-1960s, her act was netting her over $10,000 a week (a little less than $100,000 in today’s dollars), and she was making appearances on many of network TV’s biggest showcases, including “The Ed Sullivan Show,” “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour” and “The Flip Wilson Show.”

By the time she died of heart failure in 1975, she’d also recorded approximately 20 comedy albums and taken roles in various TV and film projects.

Mabley was out for more than just laughs, however. As the Civil Rights era progressed, her comedy grew increasingly sharper, highlighting the glaring absurdities of racism

and segregation. She had plenty of material.

Offstage, her life couldn’t have been more different from her limelight persona. Far from a dowdy old housewife, she was described in a 1962 Ebony profile as “a striking figure in tailored slacks, matching sports shirt, Italian shoes, hornrimmed glasses — and teeth.” The writer noted, “She looks utterly sophisticated.” She also openly dated women.

In the view of Haggins and other commentators, Mabley’s “disguise” was both necessary and the source of her subversive comedic power.

Her nonthreatening, hyperheterosexual persona effectively disarmed audiences, enabling her to go in for the kill. Had she continued to perform as the glamorous Loretta Mary Aiken, she may have never been afforded the same opportunity to provide her cutting social critique and observational humor.

MULTIGENERATIONAL LAUGHS While those steeped in comedy history have long regarded Mabley as a legend, a new generation of fans was introduced to her in December 2019 when Wanda Sykes (a fellow gay actor and comic, whose delivery style Haggins traces back to Mabley) portrayed Moms in the third season of the popular Amazon Original dramedy, “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.” The title character, Midge Maisel (played by Rachel Brosnahan), a stand-up trying to

make her way in the male-dominated New York comedy scene in the 1950s and ’60s, crosses paths with Moms while warming up a crowd at the Apollo.

The episode caught the attention of Katie Bland, the wife of Brevard’s associate city planner Aaron Bland.

A Transylvania County native, Katie mentioned Mabley’s Brevard connection to Aaron, who wasn’t familiar with the comedy icon.

Around the same time, Maurice Jones, a Brevard city councilman and relative of Mabley, brought up the idea of honoring her in some way to the city staff. As it turns out, they had actually done so years before. In 1997 — around the 100th anniversary of Mabley’s birth — the city renamed the street she was born on, Oaklawn Avenue, to Moms Mabley Avenue. According to the Transylvania County Library, however, “some residents protested having to change their addresses, and so the name was reverted to Oaklawn.”

At Jones’ request, Bland reached out to the N.C. Department of Natural and Cultural Resources, the state agency responsible for installing historical markers, about procuring one for Mabley. It was just a few months after the COVID19 pandemic had begun, and Bland was told there were no funds to secure a marker. In 2022, however, the agency got back in touch to tell him that money was available and encouraged him to apply.

ENDURING LEGACY The application process involved submitting a report detailing Moms’ biography and cultural impact. With the help of another city employee, Bland crafted a deeply researched document incorporating more than 15 primary and secondary sources.

The work was outside his usual responsibilities, but he says he relished the opportunity to help bring recognition that “was long overdue.”

“It was really fun to work on, and one of my prouder projects,” Bland says.

The NCDNCR approved the application, and an official dedication was scheduled. Dozens of attendees, including locals, city staff members and relatives of Mabley, showed up to the Oct. 20 event at the corner of Main and Caldwell streets. Tyree Griffin, the City of Brevard’s community center director and a third cousin of Mabley’s on his father’s side, was one of the speakers at the event and the person selected to unveil the marker.

“Her legacy in the town of Brevard reminds us all that even if you come from a small town, you too can go out and become somebody,

no matter your ethnicity or upbringing,” Griffin says. “As far as her legacy she left on the world, I think it’s unmatched. Moms broke barriers, used her platform for social commentary, challenged stereotypes and paved the way for a more diverse and inclusive landscape in the world of entertainment.”

Whether Mabley invented standup comedy remains — like so much else about her — a topic of debate.

But there’s no argument she was one of the first to popularize the form, serving as a bridge between the kinds of skits popular during the vaudeville era and longer monologues that evolved into stand-up.

Haggins also notes that Moms was “the first cougar” — an observation that she fondly recalls earned a big laugh from Goldberg during the documentary production.

For his part, Griffin’s favorite Moms joke is “If you don’t want your children to know the truth about life, don’t send ’em to the theater to see Moms cause I’m gonna tell them the truth, hear?”

“I love this because it embodies what she stood for: children and truth,” he says. X

2024

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NEWS BRIEFS

by Xpress Staff | news@mountainx.com

Exclusive: K-9 Kora’s lavish lifestyle exposed!

And other news from the Wild Wild WNC Editor’s note: The following content, unlike Mountain Xpress’ award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.

An anonymous source has revealed exclusively to Xpress that Officer Kora, Asheville Police Department’s therapy labradoodle, is secretly living a lifestyle of the rich and furr-mous.

Handler and officer Debbie LeCroy has maintained Kora is a pup of the people: living in LeCroy’s home, playing with ropes and tennis balls and eating regular dog food.

But an anonymous source who requested to go by Schmentin Schmiller reveals the posh pooch actually has “Gold Status” with Omni Grove Park Inn for her repeated usage of the E.W. Grove Penthouse Suite. A rider for Kora’s visits shows the labradoodle requires the refrigerator in the full-size kitchen in her suite be stocked with beluga caviar, Dom Perignon and a vial of tears from a member of the Buncombe County Sheriff’s Office.

Schmiller shared a receipt of expenses showing Kora has Elka, a Swedish masseuse at the GPI spa, on call and enjoys daily 80-minute Mountain Honey Wrap Treatments.

Spokesperson Samantha Booth has not responded to a request for comment on how difficult honey is to wash out of dog fur.

Kora was previously known to enjoy regular color and light wraps with aural imaging, Schmiller divulged to Xpress. However, the spa — voted one of Conde Nast Traveler’s top such establishments

in North America — banned the labradoodle from receiving those services after what the employee would only refer to as “the incident.”

When asked to respond to reports of Kora’s lavish lifestyle, then-APD Chief David Zack said, “Look, the APD force is down 43%. Everyone is working overtime. I’m not going to deny our officers if they need a little downtime. I’ve got North Asheville riding my ass. I’ve got South Asheville riding my ass. This is not news.”

When reminded that Kora is a dog, and not an actual officer, Chief Zack shouted, “Damn it!” and hung up the phone.

The ‘bank’ is open Buncombe County Commissioner Al Whitesides doesn’t let an opportunity pass to reference his 30-plus years in banking, even in a conversation far afield of the world of finance.

“You may know I spent more than 30 years in banking, and that’s why I just don’t think we should meet on Wednesdays,” he said during a discussion of the 2024 calendar at a recent Buncombe County Board of Commissioners meeting.

But according to public records obtained by Xpress, his “career in banking” was actually a reference to his great success at the blackjack table. Wednesdays are BOGO nights on the slots at Harrah’s Cherokee Center’s Cherokee casino, a favorite of Whitesides’ wife, Shirley.

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EVERY DOG HAS HER DAY SPA: Kora enjoys a relaxing afternoon on taxpayers’ dimes.

Whitesides is a household name on the reservation, where a penthouse suite commonly referred to as “The Vault” is decorated with snapshots depicting Whitesides’ Godfatherlike status.

“We probably would’ve gone out of business if it wasn’t for ‘Big Al,’” says casino General Manager Brooks Robinson. “Everyone wants a seat at The Commission … I mean, his table.”

In the highly unlikely event of Whitesides’ retirement — from gambling, not the county commission, where he has served for six generations — the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians recently decided to expand its offerings to a different sort of “green” tourism. Though Whitesides’ stance on “the sticky icky” has been made clear during numerous Commission meetings, he supports the EBCI’s “portfolio diversification” and looks forward to pocketing Benjamins from a new set of “altered gamblers.”

“Who doesn’t like free money?” he says. “Now that’s responsible banking.”

Report: TDA intentionally turned Thomas Wolfe Auditorium into a sweat lodge After a series of electrical and heating, ventilation and air conditioning malfunctions at meetings of the Buncombe County Tourism Development Authority throughout 2023, an independent consultant revealed that the “outages” were part of Explore Asheville President and CEO Vic Isley’s master plan all along.

Upon further inspection of Thomas Wolfe Auditorium’s “broken” HVAC system, it turns out someone had simply disconnected it from the power supply.

An internal strategic plan printed on Explore Asheville letterhead detailed step-by-step instructions for how to get public buy-in for large infrastructure projects, starting with McCormick Field.

“If the lights go out on opening day, they’ll have no choice but to fork

over the dough for a new stadium,” wrote Asheville Tourists President Brian DeWine in an email to Isley in March.

The plan continued with an entire section titled, “Sweat them out.”

There, it is revealed that Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke was paid $1 million to say onstage in front of a sweat-laden sold-out crowd: “Don’t f****** pass out tonight.” He nailed the line at his band The Smile’s July show at Thomas Wolfe Auditorium when the unplugged HVAC had its big debut.

Explanations for the rest of the year’s apparent infrastructure mishaps were also documented in what’s being called “B.O.gate.”

Harrah’s Cherokee Center staff cranked the heat up to 85 degrees (Fahrenheit, though many attendees claimed it was Celsius) at ArtsAVL’s Town Hall event where city leaders discussed renovation options for the Wolfe. The TDA then paid Smoke and Spice Catering $250,000 to stage a “kitchen incident” where the crowd was “smoked out” of the Diana Wortham Theatre, and The Orange Peel staff flipped a switch in the fuse box to send ArtsAVL’s State of the Arts Brunch into darkness.

Even the Asheville Symphony Orchestra was in on the ruse.

“If we don’t get a new auditorium next year, we’re all going to have to move to Charlotte,” complained ASO music director Darko Butorac.

“No one wants that — especially Charlotte.”

Preggo No’ Mo’: The Experience This week, Explore Asheville debuted its newest campaign “Abortion — Only in Asheville,” which promotes the city’s Planned Parenthood clinic as the only place to access a safe, legal abortion in Western North Carolina.

“Asheville is the premiere destination for beer, buskers and $18 burgers,” trills Explore Asheville President and CEO Vic Isley. “But let’s not forget, our beautiful mountain refuge is also home to a singular health clinic providing lifesaving medical care to half a million women of childbearing age.”

Isley calls the Planned Parenthood - Asheville clinic a “must-see visit on any tourist jaunt,” along with sunset cocktails at Omni Grove Park Inn and a tour of the Biltmore House.

Gray Line Tours is in talks with the clinic’s South Asheville location for inclusion on its hop-on-hopoff tours.

BANK SHOT: Think you can hang at the blackjack table with Buncombe County Commissioner Al Whitesides?

“Four out of five visitors surveyed said they’d love to come back to Asheville, especially if it was the only place within 250 miles of their home where they could terminate a pregnancy,” Isley says, citing recent research.

Explore Asheville splashed out on a $1.2 million budget targeting influencers for its “Abortion — Only in Asheville” campaign, which a swag bag containing an East Fork mug, a Spicewalla jerk seasoning mix, shearling earmuffs to block out the shouts of anti-abortion protesters and years of therapy to address the traumatic experience of being castigated while obtaining health care.

TokKween92, a TikTok influencer working with the Explore Asheville campaign, said she’d heard about Asheville from watching “A Biltmore Christmas” on the Hallmark Channel and would consider Asheville as a destination for an upcoming bachelorette party.

The Explore Asheville team encouraged TokKween92 to schedule the bachelorette party during the 12 weeks that pregnancy termination is legal in North Carolina.

“Oh,” TokKween92 told Xpress when reached for a comment.

“Twelve weeks? That’s bullsh*t. I’m just going to Colorado.”

ACS shocked they still have a superintendent Six months into Maggie Fehrman’s tenure as superinten-

dent, the Asheville City Board of Education posed the question that’s been on everyone’s minds since she was hired: Is she ready to go back to Decatur, Ga.?

“It would be helpful if you went ahead and quit now, so we can start our annual superintendent search before spring break,” said ACS board Chair George Sieburg at last week’s public meeting. “Your last few predecessors were really inconsiderate by leaving so late in the year that we all had to skip our summer vacations, so it would be great if we could get the process started early this time.”

To encourage a more timely exit for ACS’s 27th leader in the last decade, Sieburg says the district has done everything it can to encourage her speedy departure, including entering an agreement to consolidate with Buncombe County Schools while publicly denying that would ever be possible, sending its public information officer to Haywood County so the press would have to talk directly to her and inviting Pastor Ronald Gates to frequently speak at board meetings.

So far, however, she seems undeterred.

“It’s just so nice here in the mountains,” Fehrman says. “I love having such a high brewery-toschool ratio.”

OFFER EXPIRES 3/31/2024

— Xpress Staff X MOUNTAINX.COM

JAN. 3-9, 2024

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XPRESSERS ALMANAC

PREDICTIONS FOR THE COMING YEAR Editor’s note: The following content, unlike Mountain Xpress’ award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.

Top 10 post-Asheville plans for former APD Chief David Zack • Run for Sheriff.

• Leader of the Bills Mafia: Asheville chapter.

• Smoke all the confiscated pot from the last three years.

• “See what Myrtle Beach is all about.”

• Personal chauffeur for Mrs. Zack.

• Mainstay at Double Crown’s Western Wednesday Karaoke.

• Demolish homeless camps on the weekend “for funsies.”

• Coalition for Public Safety Facebook page moderator.

• Asheville’s new water department head engineer (because he knows a thing or two about leaks).

• Co-host of Chad Nesbitt’s new podcast, “The Anarchists Are Coming.”

Top five issues Rev. Ronald Gates should be more worried about than sex/drugs in Buncombe County Schools library books • Meth recipes in Home Ec classes.

• Turning calculators upside down to spell “BOOBS.”

• Megachurch pastors embezzling millions.

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MOUNTAINX.COM

• Young men sliding down ropes in Phys Ed. • His own shadow.

Top five tourist excuses for approaching bears on the Blue Ridge Parkway • “I was wearing bear repellant.”

• #BearTok. • “They let you pet the bears in Tennessee.”

• “I thought it was Jerry Garcia.”

Top 10 ways the TDA expects to allocate its 2025 budget • Matching denim skirts.

• An ad campaign in the Swiss Alps.

• Tailgating at McCormick Field.

• Koozies.

• Sweet digs for the next U.S. Open Tennis Championships.

• Paying influencers on TikTok in an attempt to make a new viral dance move: The Blue Ridge Bootyshake.

• Rape whistles for anyone who needs to use city parking lots at night.

• Lobbying for the next movie in the Saw franchise to film at the Biltmore Estate.

• Foam stress balls shaped like Andrew “TDA Rabble-rouser” Celwyn’s head.

• Donations to local area homeless nonprofits (hey, these lists are satire, right?)

Top five performance sites for the Asheville Symphony Orchestra • The Pit of Despair.

• Outside Urban Outfitters.

• “My brother-in-law breeds them down in Florida.”

Top 10 Asheville-inspired contraceptives • A romantic walk down Chicken Alley.

• Counterfeit Viagra purchased from a local vape shop.

• The pickle PBR from Rankin Vault.

• “So, I read this article in Mountain Xpress …”

• Locally produced condoms from an “independent manufacturer,” using “locally sourced latex” and “all-natural spermicide.”

• River Cologne, sourced straight from the French Broad.

• Macramé diaphragm.

• Thirty seconds of attempted seduction by Madison Cawthorn.

• Open mic night.

• Men in Crocs.

• The reparations commission 2024 black tie gala event: cocktail hour entertainment.

• Mission Hospital staff canteen.

• Burger Bar, right before Saturday night karaoke.

CO N T I N U E D Top 10 most anticipated new beers of 2024

• Karaoke machine at the next Council retreat.

• A vape in every home!

• Matching TDA neck tattoos.

• Manheimer Märzen.

• Noise Ordinance Blonde.

• Eye Pee, Eh? • Reparations “Redline” Red Ale. • River Raft Brown Ale. • I Canton Believe It’s Not Bitter.

• Arden You Glad? Gose.

• Cycle Lane Cynic Imperial Stout.

• Chocolate Chicken Coop Porter.

• Rubbernecking Tourist Pale Ale.

Top five side hustles for buskers • Nextdoor comment moderator.

• Onlyfans.

• Backup sirens for APD vehicles.

• Cryptocurrency consultant.

• Breaking and entering.

Top 10 Guinness World Records Asheville residents will attempt in 2024

Top five beefs brewing between Asheville Police Department and Buncombe County Sheriff’s Office • Who does Kora the police poodle like more?

• Who gets to keep the drugs picked up from vagrants?

• Who gets to play with the drones during protest marches?

• Who’s got the slowest response time to someone being held up at knifepoint?

• Who would be the Jets and Sharks in a new production of West Side Story?

Top 10 priorities for Asheville City Council in 2024 • Make Canton Smell Again (MCSA).

• • Chucking more money at the reparations commission.

• Figuring out spurious reasons to close their offices a day before a national holiday (aka Esther’s 4-Day Weekend Theory).

• Moving the Vance plinth to the South Carolina state border, then tipping it over so it’s their problem now.

• Writing a proposal that Kim Roney will actually support.

• Getting bogged down in another aimless cache of visioning plans.

• Unionizing against the tyranny of local residents.

• Longest water outage.

• Most Teacup Great Dane Yorkiedoodles in a dog park at the same time.

• Tightest poverty margin by a journalist.

• Most vapes smoked by a teenager in a high school bathroom.

• Longest convoy of 1999 Subaru Outbacks down Merrimon Avenue.

• Most Cinnabons consumed during a flight delay.

• Least stoned Billy Strings concert attendee.

• Warbliest busker cover of “Fools Rush In.” • Longest wait time in the Mission Hospital ER.

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15

H u m O r Is s u E Top 5 events most likely to happen to Mountain Xpress in 2024

• Most aligned chakra.

• Editorial team replaced by ChatGPT. • Electromagnetic pulse attack erases all records of the publication’s existence.

• Staff realizes office manager Mark Murphy’s charming Irish slang words are actually embittered Irish curses and are turned into warm, half-filled pints of stout.

• Half the staff dies from eating spoiled salsa found in the back of the office fridge.

• The staff topless charity calendar idea is shelved another year.

Top 10 anticipated complaints about living in Asheville in 2024 • “It was nicer before Roots Hummus closed.”

• “The bear-to-homeless ratio is off.”

• “We’re a quarter way through the century, and Esther Manheimer is still mayor.”

• “Now that the Canton Mill has closed, the stench of patchouli is overwhelming.”

• “Roving squads of Atlanta bachelorette parties and Charlotte finance/tech bros are killing the good vibes, man.”

• “The ‘Amazing’ Pubcycle is backing up traffic on I-26.”

Top five less publicized issues at Thomas Wolfe Auditorium • The void to hell beneath the orchestra pit.

CO N T I N U E D Top five new local breweries • The Nasty Possum.

• The Frisky Possum.

• The Nasty-Frisky Possum (merger).

• Happy Liver Beer Co. • Totally Not a Money-Laundering Brewing Co.

Front

Top 10 new “Best Of WNC” categories • Friendliest bear.

• Dumbest tourist on the Blue Ridge Parkway.

• Most wolf decor in an Airbnb.

• Least commercially viable newly opened business.

• Most overrun pickleball court.

• Best 29-year-old independent alt-weekly newspaper.

• Least hateful /r/asheville user.

• Strangest pickled vegetable.

• Most expensive coffee drink.

• Asheville neighborhood least tolerant of change.

Top five most anticipated AVL Watchdog “Answer Man” columns for 2024 • Has Chuck Edwards ever been hugged?

• Does anyone actually work in the Citizen Times offices?

• Free-range toddlers or free-range chickens: Who’s more annoying?

• Which animal at the WNC Nature Center is the most depressed?

• Is this mushroom edible?

• Sentient asbestos and lead paint.

• Squirrel colony living in the all-gender restroom.

• The William Sydney Porter Society’s “Rename This Venue” campaign.

• Ice-skating rink beneath the floor.

• “My child’s math teacher quit to get better pay and benefits bartending at Texas Roadhouse.”

• “I left Florida to escape you people.”

• “I can only charge $2,500 a month for my converted chicken coop apartment.”

• “Damn liberals won’t let me open carry inside yoga studios.”

Top five things former Buncombe County manager Wanda Greene spent money on in 2023 • Bougie prison outfits. (“They’re comfortable!

Sue me.”)

• Cigarette cartons “for the girls back in the slammer.”

• Monthly bus passes.

• Glass house construction.

• Stone collection services.

— Xpress Staff X

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FEATURES

Seeing as artificial intelligence is inevitably going to take over the majority of journalism jobs, we at Mountain Xpress sought to get ahead of the curve and make friends with our future robot overlords before Skynet becomes sentient.

Please give a big Purple Box welcome to our newest staff reporter, ChatGPT! Chatty (they/ them pronouns) is making their Xpress debut this week, and you can find their work below.

Money trees are the perfect place for shade Quantum Living Spaces to solve housing crisis In an unprecedented leap toward affordable housing, Asheville unveiled its groundbreaking Quantum Living Spaces initiative on Jan. 2, propelling the city into a new era of affordability and luxury. Harnessing cutting-edge quantum technology, Asheville promises to defy the laws of economics and physics to make dream homes accessible to all.

Imagine homes that expand and contract based on your financial situation — behold the Quantum Living Spaces! Need a larger home for a growing family?

Simply adjust the quantum sliders, and voila! Your cozy cottage transforms into a sprawling mansion without breaking the bank. It’s like having a magic wand for your living space.

But that’s not all – Asheville’s Quantum Living Spaces come with an embedded time-travel feature, allowing residents to experience different economic eras and invest in affordable real estate options from the past. Choose from a medieval castle or a Victorian mansion at prices that will make your ancestors jealous!

In a move that defies all known economic principles, Asheville introduces the Infinite Money

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JAN. 3-9, 2024

Tree Program. Every Quantum Living Space comes with its very own money tree that magically replenishes your bank account, ensuring perpetual affordability.

Say goodbye to mortgage worries and hello to financial bliss!

“We are rewriting the rules of housing affordability,” declares Mayor Esther Manheimer.

“Asheville is committed to making the impossible possible.

Quantum Living Spaces are not just homes; they are portals to a utopian reality where everyone can live their dream lifestyle without compromise.”

But wait, there’s more!

Asheville’s Quantum Living Spaces also boast self-cleaning, self-repairing and self-decorating features. Your home evolves with your style, all while staying within the confines of your imaginary budget.

Asheville invites the world to witness this groundbreaking leap into the future of affordable housing. Join city officials in reshaping reality, because, to quote Manheimer, “In Asheville, the only limits are the ones you choose to impose on your imagination.”

MOUNTAINX.COM

— Chatty X

Odes to Asheville Newly-found poems from Wolfe, Harrison Along with being an ace reporter, ChatGPT is also an expert hacker. In search of poetry about Asheville, they digitally broke into the Thomas Wolfe Archives as well as the personal computer of noted Asheville fan Woody Harrelson and unearthed these two previously unpublished odes to the city.

“HIS GHOST WANDERS”

BY THOMAS WOLFE

“LLAMAS IN LACE”

BY WOODY HARRELSON

In Asheville’s hills, where time doth wane, A town of quirks, a city insane.

I, with a puzzled frown, Wander its streets, my words upside down.

The mountains echo with hipster tunes, As kaleidoscopic locals dance ’neath the moons.

I, bewildered, my spirit afloat, In Asheville’s vortex of tie-dye and tote.

Bumper stickers preach peace and love, As I contemplate the stars above.

In beer-soaked alleys and art-filled lanes, My ghost wanders, tethered by invisible chains.

Oh, Asheville! A kaleidoscope of dreams, Where reality’s not quite what it seems.

I, in prose, would try to unfold, The story of Asheville, forever untold.

In Asheville’s embrace, where unicorns roam free, Skyscrapers of candy, a sugary spree.

Mountains of jello, in hues so divine, Where rivers run upward, defying the line.

Moonlit streets paved with glittering gold, Sasquatch choirs singing tales of old.

Rain falls as confetti, a vibrant display, Pineapple clouds drift in the upsidedown sky.

Asheville’s skyline, a castle in the clouds, Where mermaids sip coffee in shimmering shrouds.

Giraffes on skateboards, the main avenue’s grace, A carousel spins, with llamas in lace.

In this fantastical Asheville, where truth takes a spin, Reality waltzes with whimsy, a dance to begin.

Yet, in the heart of this whimsical cheer, The essence of Asheville remains crystal clear. X

CO N T I N U E D

The Great Gastronomy

‘We have standards’

Fitzgerald’s foodie finagling — found!

ChatGPT’s guide to Asheville

In their deep, three-second dive into Asheville’s archives, Chatty also discovered proof of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s short-lived career as a food reviewer, adding fuel to the proverbial rumor fire that Zelda Fitzgerald was indeed the brains of the operation.

Being relatively new to Asheville, ChatGPT felt it would be helpful to create a quick guide so that others visiting or considering moving to this city could be more prepared for what awaits them. Their pitch was filed within seconds of being approved.

The city of Asheville recently birthed an Italian eatery that rivals the flamboyance of a Gatsby soirée.

As I mounted my trusty steed, I traversed the rolling hills to partake in this culinary revelry, known only as “La Dolce Vita.” A grandiose name, indeed, promising sweet indulgence.

Upon arrival, my eyes beheld a spectacle — a façade adorned with twinkling lights, reminiscent of stars embracing the velvet sky. The entrance beckoned with an air of mystique, a portal to a world where extravagance met culinary prowess.

The clatter of hooves upon cobblestone seemed a symphony, joining the rhythmic hum of the Jazz Age. Inside, the ambiance was a melange of opulence and whimsy.

Crystal chandeliers dripped from the ceiling like delicate stalactites, casting a soft glow upon a sea of mahogany tables adorned with silver candelabras. A pianist in a pinstripe suit serenaded the diners with melodies that danced in the air like flappers in a Charleston.

The menu, a literary masterpiece, unfolded like the pages of a Keats ode. Intrigued, I embarked on a gastronomic journey guided by the enigmatic maestro in the kitchen.

The antipasti, a symphony of flavors, commenced with arancini — golden orbs of risotto, each harboring a heart of molten mozzarella, an edible testament to decadence.

The pasta course, an ode to amoré, showcased fettuccine alfredo, a velvety revelation that transported me to the moonlit canals of Venice. Each strand embraced the richness of Parmesan, a dalliance of butter and cream ensnaring my

palate in a delightful waltz. The dish, an affair of indulgence, left me longing for an encore.

As the main course materialized, a spectacle emerged — the osso buco, a behemoth of succulent braised veal shanks, arrived at the table accompanied by a flourish of saffron-infused risotto. The meat, tender as a lover’s whisper, yielded effortlessly to my fork. The saffron-kissed risotto, a golden canvas, painted a portrait of culinary artistry.

In a fit of daring, I opted for the chef’s signature dessert — a tiramisu sculpted into the likeness of a Venetian gondola. Each bite, a voyage through layers of mascarpone and ladyfingers, left me adrift in a sea of culinary ecstasy.

The presentation, a testament to the chef’s ingenuity, was an extravagant denouement to the culinary odyssey.

As I emerged from the restaurant, satiated and enchanted, my horse awaited patiently. The moon hung in the indigo sky like a luminescent pearl, casting its benevolent glow upon the enchanted city. “La Dolce Vita,” an ephemeral escapade into excess, had woven a culinary tapestry that echoed the extravagance of a bygone era.

In the cool night air, I mounted my steed once more, the taste of Italy lingering on my lips like the memory of a forbidden kiss. Asheville, a city of enchantment, had birthed a culinary spectacle that would linger in the annals of gastronomic history — an outlandish affair where my spirit danced amidst the flavors of La Dolce Vita. X

NEW! 2024

& DIRECTORY

Asheville, nestled in the arms of the Blue Ridge Mountains, exudes a captivating charm that has enchanted many. The city’s vibrant arts scene, eclectic boutiques and farm-to-table culinary delights create a haven for those seeking a blend of nature and culture.

Legend has it that Asheville’s air possesses magical properties, granting residents and visitors the ability to communicate with woodland creatures.

The trees allegedly whisper secrets of the past, and locals have claimed to decipher messages from enchanted squirrels.

This fantastical connection with nature adds a whimsical touch to Asheville’s already enchanting atmosphere.

In a peculiar twist, some locals assert that hidden portals to parallel universes exist within Asheville’s historic architecture.

Tourists are said to inadvertently stumble upon these gateways, leading them to alternate realities where gravity works in reverse, and rivers flow with liquid sunlight.

While these imaginative tales add an element of fantasy to the Asheville narrative, it’s essential to appreciate the city for its genuine beauty, welcoming community and the real magic found in its diverse landscapes and cultural offerings.

Asheville is also a city where the air is laced with the scent of organic kale smoothies and the streets are paved with artisanal kombucha scoby. In this haven

of individuality, even the squirrels wear tiny, bespoke scarves.

The unofficial city motto? “Keep Asheville Weird, but Not Too Weird — ­ We Have Standards.”

Nestled in the bosom of Appalachia, Asheville is a place where you’re more likely to be judged for not having a homemade, gluten-free granola bar in your pocket than for any conventional faux pas. Forget about GPS; locals navigate using the alignment of crystals and the positions of the moon.

Every other building is a yoga studio, and the City Council once considered making interpretive dance the official form of communication. At City Hall, decisions are made through interpretative dance-offs — because who needs bureaucracy when you can pirouette your way to a zoning resolution?

In Asheville, the hipster vibe is so strong that even the birds refuse to eat seeds unless they’ve been sustainably foraged. And if you don’t have a handlebar mustache or a vintage typewriter, you might as well be from another planet.

But, of course, in Asheville, being from another planet would just make you a misunderstood artist, probably working on your avant-garde masterpiece in the local coffee shop. So, if you ever find yourself in Asheville, remember: Conformity is so last season; it’s time to embrace your inner kaleidoscopic, kombucha-drinking, interpretative-dancing self. X

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JAN. 3-9, 2024

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CO N T I N U E D

FEATURES

Dirty work

New adventures in experiential reporting

BY EDWIN ARNAUDIN earnaudin@mountainx.com Editor’s note: The following content, unlike Mountain Xpress’ award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.

It’s been nearly two years since I drank a bunch of coffee, drove around town and got paid to write about it. Since then, I’ve also been handed actual U.S. currency in exchange for going antiquing as well as putting a local furniture maker’s livelihood at stake by “scaring away customers” — his words, not mine — at his craft fair booth.

Now, fresh off of helping make a beer that miraculously didn’t send anyone to Urgent Care, I was able to convince the Xpress Powers That Be to let me spend the last few months as an Experiential Specialist. Kicking deadlines and editorial meetings to the proverbial curb, I embarked upon not one, not two but three projects, covering the wild world of Asheville life as only an alt-weekly with a modest budget can.

THE ROOM WHERE IT ALMOST HAPPENED Having covered local theater for the past five years in these pages, the time felt right to come out of retirement and resume my acting career.

Though I hadn’t trod the boards since an ill-fated high school production of Die Hard: The Musical in April 2002, I auditioned for Asheville Community Theatre’s staging of Hamilton and,

NOW IS THE TIME TO STAND: Davaion “Spaceman Jones” Bristol showed our reporter some nifty moves on the Asheville Community Theatre stage — then proceeded to show the entire world. under threat of no future Xpress coverage for the nonprofit, was cast in the dual role of the Marquis de Lafayette and Thomas Jefferson.

On opening night, as my MC coaches Davaion “Spaceman Jones” Bristol and Chris Shreve aka C. Shreve the Professor watched in horror from the side, I went into a fugue state and apparently began performing the Jefferson parts in Act I where the Lafayette rhymes should go.

Though Brian Postelle of Asheville Stages later called my rendition of “What’d I Miss” a “spirited albeit

THANKS FOR GIVING LOCAL Congratulations and thanks to all who participated and supported Mountain Xpress’ project and our

psychotic display,” I’m told it was also “blessedly brief” (according to Xpress’ own Kai Elijah Hamilton). Suddenly donning period clothing to match my own frilly attire, Bristol sprang from behind the curtains, put me in a choke hold that he learned through his Urban Combat Wrestling work and hurled me off stage, stepping in with Lafayette’s next line of dialogue.

The rest, as they say, is history: Bristol went on to win an Anthony (aka Community Theater Tony) for Best Performance by an Actor in a Featured Role in a Musical and is

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currently working with Lin-Manuel Miranda on a new show. Thankfully, Bristol kept me on his Christmas card list, proving yet again that he’s truly a (Space)man of the people.

PRETEND IT’S A CITY When the Asheville Police Department announced it was “back to normal” (staffing-wise) thanks to the addition of its newly formed Sidewalk Patrol, I felt called to lend a hand. Pedestrian etiquette is a cause near and dear to my heart, and I was elated when then-Chief David Zack gave a thumbs-up with one hand and the “OK” sign with the other — then proceeded to pat his head and rub his belly at the same time — for me to shadow a team of officers.

“Our city’s sidewalks were designed for a different era, one when you were lucky — or unlucky, depending on who’s heading your way — to encounter even one person on your stroll around town,” Zack says. “Since APD hasn’t figured out how to wield that sweet, sweet Harry Potter magic to push the buildings back and widen the walkways without encroaching on

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our precious streets, we have to make that sweet, sweet lemonade from all these frickin’ lemons.”

Outside APD headquarters, admitted muggles Sgt. Jack Mulanax and Capt. Ken Narlow fashioned a badge out of chewing gum foil, attached it to my shirt with some freshly masticated Big Red and deputized me for the day. As we walked their beat, one fresh horror after another soon appeared.

Dog walkers! Parents with children! Some kind of bizarre ritual involving a guitar plugged into an amplifier! It was mayhem in the streets and only the Men/Womenfolk in Blue could clean it up.

As various degenerates approached, we moved into a single-file line like civilized people, then resumed our triangular phalanx until the next obstruction. Despite the clear sidewalk laws in place, rules were violated with extreme prejudice and tickets handed out as if they were coupons for free doughnuts.

“I keep asking for yellow lines with room for passing in reasonable areas, but we’ll see,” Mulanax says.

“Convex blindspot mirrors and yield signs would be great, too. If we’re not treating sidewalks like a well-traveled road, we’re doing it wrong.”

Seconds later, we unwittingly entered into a game of chicken with a young couple who could only be described as “extremely hot,” simultaneously holding hands and walking side by side. Just as it looked like Capt. Narlow might get knocked into Walnut Street into the path of a UPS truck, he blew his shiny metal whistle, the fashion models crumpled to the ground and the collision was averted.

“Ma’am, sir — I don’t know what sidewalks are like where you come from, but in these parts, they’re not one-way,” Narlow says. “It’s wonderful that you found someone willing to make physical contact with you in public, but you’re going to have to let all these sad single folks by.”

The beautiful people in handcuffs, locked to the dumpster by N.C. Stage Company, we walked back to the police station with Mulanax letting out audible “ahs” and repeating the phrase, “Oh, what a lovely day,” in the style of Nicholas Hoult’s Nux from Mad Max: Fury Road.

Indeed it was.

SERVE AND SILENTLY JUDGE: Temporary Officer Arnaudin here with your hourly reminder that sidewalks are not one-way. interrupted by a message that the stores are hiring for all positions, full time and part time.

A shopper at these establishments since the long-bulldozed Brevard location had the type of halogen-bulb, fire-hazard sign that, well, still points customers toward the Ingles Markets #2 at the corner of Patton Avenue and Leicester Highway, I wanted to see how these human beehives run.

And so I did what any responsible journalist would do: used a ouija board to summon the spirit of Bob Ingles and ask if I could work a different job at a different Ingles over the course of one extremely long day.

He said, “Hell, no,” but I still hold on to the dream that one day I’ll get to stack apples like an archaic game of Jenga at the Swannanoa market (aka Swingles). Or slice a

rump of honey ham at Oteen (aka O’Tingles) so thin that customers wonder if there’s actually anything in their bags. Or make a frappuccino for some flustered white lady at the Starbucks inside the Black Mountain location (aka Blingles). Or tackle some young ruffian at the Haywood Road (aka Wingles) spot’s self-checkout for typing in the number for regular bananas when he’s clearly got ORGANIC monkey telephones.

Not on my watch, mister!

If that entrepreneurial phantasm changes his mind, maybe I’ll even get to drive a delivery truck from The Mothership in Black Mountain to any number of Ingles Markets across this Zardoz-fearing region, then look into the camera and bellow, “I’m doing my part — are you?” X

HUNTING AND GATHERING Every time I’m shopping for discount cheese in Ingles, the obscenely well-curated music playlists piped through the supermarket are rudely 22

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STEVE URKEL APPROVED: Have you tried this one? I hear it’s real gouda.

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Q&A: Morgan Bost interviews Morgan Bost

their taxes. Going from day to night in uptown Charlotte means from law firm to spin class, while in downtown Asheville it implies from seance to service industry.

Mo’ money, mo’ problems … but also mo’ mics?

The former Best Medicine host reports on herself from The Queen City I’m back, dear readers. You couldn’t get rid of me that easily! And what better time to once again grace the pages of the Mountain Xpress than the annual humor issue? The same issue where I made my print debut two years ago before becoming the publication’s first ever — and, according to my editor, much beloved — humor columnist.

Each month in “Best Medicine with Morgan Marie,” I gathered three new funny folks from across the region’s comedy, arts and business communities to weigh in on all things WNC. From favorite places to cry to suggestions for replacing the former Vance Monument, “Best Medicine” wasn’t afraid to tackle the hard stuff.

Yeah, yeah. TF have you been? Asheville needs you!

After a year of delivering giggles to the good readers of Western North Carolina, I’ve now found myself an unexpected citizen of Charlotte — Asheville’s buttoned-up, banker cousin to the East.

(The one that gets extremely upset when Asheville arrives late to the holiday party bearing only vegan cheeses and gluten-free cookies before vaping throughout dinner.)

“Best Medicine” has since moved on without me, but I’ve been called back to this publication to chart the differences between Asheville and Charlotte. Admittedly, as only a recent citizen of Charlotte, I feel unqualified to be making sweeping generalizations about the city.

However, as a comedian, I feel it my duty to express my unqualified opinions in print.

So, is Charlotte as bougie and judgmental as I’ve heard?

Known as a hub for business and finance, Charlotte wasn’t exactly where I saw myself living as a comedian with limited, if not nonexistent, understanding of both business and finance. Plus, I don’t even own a vest! However, Charlotte’s similarities to Asheville have so far been surprising. Maybe that’s because I’ve settled in North Davidson (aka NoDa), Charlotte’s eclectic arts district with live music, funky fashion and a vibe comparable to my former neighborhood of West Asheville.

Elsewhere in the city, folks dress to either work out their cores or

Why I support Xpress: “I depend on Mountain Xpress every Wednesday for keeping me in the know. Can’t imagine life without it!”

– Susan Roderick

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Comedy has by far been my biggest introduction to the city. After years of performing in Asheville, it’s both exciting and intimidating to be the new kid in town.

The comedy scene in Charlotte is bigger than Asheville’s, with open mic lists so long that hosts often rely on “bucket spots,” a show-running method in which comics put their names in a bucket and only go up if theirs is drawn. That differs from Asheville open mics where everyone almost always goes up, and hosts physically find comics to tell them they’re next. In Charlotte, hosts announce the lineup from the stage by saying who’s “on deck” between comics, requiring a level of attention that might devastate certain Ashevilleans.

How are the tomato throwers audiences in each city different from the other?

Charlotte audiences are also different in that they’re mostly local, a far cry from Asheville audiences, which are often chock-full of out-of-towners. Perhaps that’s because unlike Asheville, Charlotte isn’t much of a tourist destination.

Someone on a Charlotte subreddit described the city as “a great place to live, but not a great place to visit” — a stark contrast to Asheville, which seemingly works to ensure the city is a great place to visit but not live.

I could always count on the few Asheville locals in an audience to relate to my astrology material.

Charlotte audiences? Not so much.

At one of my first Charlotte open mics, I asked a man in the front row his moon sign, and he responded, “The f***?” While I may not be able to bank on Charlotte audiences to navigate the planetary alignments, they are reliable for crowdsourcing financial advice, to the extent that I recently had an audience member explain a 401(k).

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Silver medalists Here at Xpress, we pride ourselves on creating visually engaging covers week in, week out, and pairing them with the most concise yet informative words in the English language. While there’s no way in hell we’d hop in our DeLoreans to go back and change anything, these covers nearly made their way to a purple box or wire rack near you.

That’s great, but what about the comics themselves?!?

I’m mostly seeing similarities. It seems open mic culture everywhere predominantly consists of loud, mostly cis, mostly young and mostly white men chain-smoking and drinking PBRs while waiting to deliver often teeth-clenchingly bad jokes to an audience of three. However, there are a few differences. Asheville comics live up to the city’s reputation for “keeping it weird” by showing off Dollywood tattoos and talking about sexual awak-

enings in church. Charlotte comics tend to keep it a bit more … mainstream.

Something both comedy scenes have in common is that, so far, everyone has been extremely welcoming and nice.

That may sound lame and less than believable when referring to a group so often labeled as bullies, but the truth is that comics are some of kindest people you’ll meet. That’s because most of us have never been cool and therefore don’t take ourselves too seriously. Do you think that most people who grow up cool or attractive go on to be standups? No! They’re probably doctors. Or if in Asheville, essential oils specialists.

— Morgan Marie X

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T H E F U N N Y P A G E S BY BRENT BROWN

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ASHEVILLE ARCHIVES

by Thomas Calder | tcalder@mountainx.com

100 years prior, but not much has changed Billy Borne’s 1924 cartoons

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Xpress’ annual tradition returns. As part of our Humor Issue, we are looking back exactly 100 years to see the local and national issues cartoonist Billy Borne parodied and satirized in The Asheville Citizen.

Topics featured in Borne’s 1924 collection include concerns about tourism, that year’s presidential campaign (which involved the emergence of Robert M. La Follette as a third-party candidate), lack of funding for local education and police, anxieties over real estate and the pressures on everyday citizens due to the high cost of living.

Dear reader, for those of you who have been following this feature closely each year, it might seem redundant to ask the question again; nevertheless, we raise the inquiry all the same: Are you not recognizing a certain pattern to this strange thing we call life? X

Published Jan. 1, 1924

Published April 25, 1924

Published April 29, 1924

Published May 4, 1924

Published May 9, 1924

Published May 13, 1924

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Published June 12, 1924

Published Sept. 1, 1924

Published June 25, 1924

Published Sept. 28, 1924

Published July 6, 1924

field guide

Asheville to

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ASHEVILLE ARCHIVES

by Edwin Arnaudin | earnaudin@mountainx.com

The way we were Asheville’s comedic history runs deep Editor’s note: The following content, unlike the rest of Mountain Xpress’ award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.

When the good, hardworking people at Buncombe County Special Collections heard Xpress was gearing up for its annual Humor Issue, they wanted in on the fun. (And they reminded us that we had indeed thrown that possibility into the kitty on a particularly bad night at the weekly Local History poker game and that they were the current possessor of said honor.)

And so it came to pass that BCSC manager Katherine Cutshall and library assistant Jenny Brown dropped a box of archival photos at the Xpress office door with one simple instruction: “Make of these what you will.”

So we did. To the best of our knowledge, the captions of these photos are 100% fake accurate. And the story behind BCSC’s contributions and participation in this year’s Humor Issue is 110% false true.

For potentially more accurate insights into these images, visits avl.mx/d8n.

(Remember, dear reader, this is our annual Humor Issue!) X

OF TIME AND DUCK SOUP: Thomas Wolfe once saw the Marx Brothers perform in New York City and wrote Groucho a letter, asking if he could be adopted and change his name to Hippo Marx. He included this photo in his application but never received a reply.

HEARTS AND MINDS: Carl the Bear forever changed the lives of these young people that fateful August day in 1959, when he informed them that just because he’s a talking bear, it doesn’t mean that he knows Yogi or Smokey.

HERRRRRE’S PULITZER: Back when Asheville’s daily had a staff, readers would celebrate the publication of great articles by ramming their heads through the paper. This young man decided to add fake teeth for the occasion. Ah, the good ol’ days ...

THE LIGHT FANTASTIC: Each night, the Biltmore Estate’s stone humans come to life to partake in the latest dance craze, taught to them by renowned Black Mountain College choreographer Merce Cunningham’s cousin, Sam, left.

SAY “GORGONZOLA”: By all accounts, Cornelia Vanderbilt’s wedding was a marvelous affair. During the reception at the Elks Lodge, the photo booth proved a most popular attraction and was stocked with the finest props a tourist could steal from area souvenir shops.

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COMMUNITY CALENDAR JAN. 3 - JAN. 11, 2024 For a full list of community calendar guidelines, please visit mountainx.com/calendar. For questions about free listings, call 828-251-1333, opt. 4. For questions about paid calendar listings, please call 828-251-1333, opt. 1.

 Online-only events  Feature, page 40 Tai Chi for Balance A gentle Tai Chi exercise class to help improve balance, mobility, and quality of life. All ages are welcome.

WE (1/3, 10), 11:30am, Phoenix, 51 N Merrimon Ave, Ste 109

Yoga for Everyone A free-in person yoga class for all ages and abilities that is led by registered yoga instructor Mandy. Bring your own mat, water bottle and mask. Registration required.

SA (1/6), 9:30am, Black Mountain Presbyterian, 117 Montreat Rd, Black Mountain

Free Zumba Gold Fitness program that involves cardio and Latin-inspired dance.

Free, but donations for the instructor are appreciated. For more information please call (828) 350-2058.

WE (1/3, 10), noon, Stephens Lee Recreation Center, 30 George Washington Carver Ave

Winter Flow w/Jamie Knox This class builds heat in the body and releases excess water, so we can be our strongest and fittest, boosting our immune system and staving off depression.

No need to pre-register. Walk-ins welcome.

SU (1/7), 10:30am, One World Brewing W, 520 Haywood Rd

Tai Chi Fan This class helps build balance and whole body awareness. All ages and ability levels welcome. Fans will be provided.

WE (1/3, 10), 1pm, Dragon Phoenix, 51 N Merrimon Ave, Ste 109

Yoga Taco Mosa Donation based yoga with Clare Desmelik.

Bring your mat, a water bottle and an open heart.

SU (1/7), 10:30am, The Grey Eagle, 185 Clingman Ave

WELLNESS

Tai Chi for Beginners A class for anyone interested in Tai Chi and building balance, whole body awareness and other health benefits.

TH (1/4, 11), 11:30am, Dragon Phoenix, 51 N Merrimon Ave, Ste 109 Nia Dance Fitness A sensory-based movement practice that draws from martial arts, dance arts and healing arts.

TH (1/4,11), 9:30am, TU (1/9), 10:30am, Dragon Phoenix, 51 N Merrimon Ave, Ste 109 Taoist Tai Chi Classes Tai Chi improves the body’s flexibility, balance and helps prevent age-related deterioration. For more information contact newman.barbara29@ yahoo.com TH (1/4), 10am, Haw Creek Commons, 315 Old Haw Creek Rd Qigong for Health A part of traditional Chinese medicine that involves using exercises to optimize energy within the body, mind and spirit.

FR (1/5), TU (1/9), 9am, SA (1/6), 11am, Dragon Phoenix, 51 N Merrimon Ave, Ste 109

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Gentle Yoga for Queer & GNC Folks This class is centered towards creating an affirming and inclusive space for queer and gender non-conforming individuals.

SU (1/7), 1:30pm, W Asheville Yoga, 602 Haywood Rd Barre Fusion A high energy low impact practice that shapes, sculpts, and tones the body like a dancer. No experience necessary, open to all levels.

MO (1/8), 9:30am, Dragon Phoenix, 51 N Merrimon Ave, Ste 109 Metta Meditation In-person guided meditation focused on benevolence & loving-kindness. Free for beginners and experienced practitioners.

MO (1/8), 7pm, Quietude Micro-retreat Center, 1130 Montreat Rd, Black Mountain Therapeutic Recreation Adult Morning Movement Active games, physical activities, and sports for individuals with disabilities ages 17 and over. Advanced registration at avlrec. com required.

JAN. 3-9, 2024

POET QUARTET: Malaprop’s hosts its monthly poetry reading series coordinated by Mildred Barya Sunday, Jan. 7, starting at 4:30 p.m. This month features, from left, Kathy Nelson, Nicole Farmer, Kenneth Chamlee and Stevie Edwards. This a free hybrid event with limited in-store seating and the option to attend online. Registration at avl.mx/d8v is required. Photo courtesy of Malaprop’s Bookstore/Café WE (1/10), 10am, Tempie Avery Montford Community Center, 34 Pearson Ave Community Yoga & Mindfulness Free monthly event with Inspired Change Yoga that will lead you into a morning of breathwork, meditation and yoga. Bring your own mat.

WE (1/10), 11:30am, AmeriHealth Caritas, 216 Asheland Ave

ART Romare Bearden: Ways of Working This exhibition highlights works on paper and explores many of Romare Bearden's most frequently used mediums including screen-printing, lithography, hand colored etching, collagraph, monotype, relief print, photomontage, and collage. Gallery open daily, 11am, closed Tuesday. Exhibition through Jan. 22, 2024.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square Weaving at Black Mountain College: Anni Albers, Trude Guermonprez & Their Students The first exhibition devoted to textile practices at Black Mountain College. Gallery open Monday through Saturday, 11am. Exhibition through Jan. 6, 2024.

Black Mountain College Museum & Arts Center, 120 College St Creating Textures: Focus Gallery Exhibition This exhibition features the work of five Guild members: Michael Hatch, Valerie Berlage, Joseph Rhodes, Barry

MOUNTAINX.COM

Rhodes, and Joanna Warren. Each artist will display their own respectable arts and crafts during this exhibition. Open daily, 10 am. Exhibition through Feb., 2024.

Folk Art Center, MP 382, Blue Ridge Pkwy Beyond the Lens: Photorealist Perspectives on Looking, Seeing & Painting This exhibition offers viewers an opportunity to explore a singular and still vigorous aspect of American photorealism. Gallery open daily, 11am, closed on Tuesday.

Exhibition through Feb. 5, 2024.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square Counter/Balance: Gifts of John & Robyn Horn A presentation of important examples of contemporary American craft, including woodworking, metalsmithing, fiber and pottery by renowned American artists. Gallery open daily, 11am, closed Tuesday.

Exhibition through July.

29, 2024.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square Ceramic Arts Students & Instructors Exhibit: Closing Reception Celebrate the work of BMCA Clay Studio's students and instructors. This event is free and open to the public.

FR (1/5), 5pm, Black Mountain Center for the Arts, 225 W State St, Black Mountain In the Flow: The Art of Safi Martin Martin involves pouring acrylic paints directly on the canvas, which conveys a celebration of flow, both in art and in life. Gallery open

Monday through Saturday, 11am and Sunday, 1 pm. Exhibition through Jan. 7.

Flood Gallery Fine Art Center, 850 Blue Ridge Rd, Black Mountain The Colors of Pink This exhibition features 18 of the building’s 30 artists and explores the studio’s unusual name as well as the role color plays in each work.

Gallery open Monday through Saturday, 10am, and Sunday, noon. Exhibition through Feb. 3, 2024.

See p40 Pink Dog Gallery, 348 Depot St American Art in the Atomic Age: 1940–1960 This exhibition features works created during the 1940s–1960s.

Much of the art during this time expressed the uncertainty of the era, often relying on automatism and biomorphic forms.

Gallery open daily, 11am, closed Tuesday.

Exhibition through April 29, 2024.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square Spark of the Eagle Dancer: The Collecting Legacy of Lambert Wilson This exhibition celebrates the legacy of Lambert Wilson, a passionate collector of contemporary Native American art. Gallery open Tuesday through Friday, 10am. Exhibition through June 28, 2024 WCU Bardo Arts Center, 199 Centennial Dr, Cullowhee Western North Carolina Glass: Selections from the Collection Western North Carolina is important in the

history of American glass art. A variety of techniques and a willingness to push boundaries of the medium can be seen in this selection of works.

Gallery open daily, 11am, closed Tuesday.

Exhibition through April 15, 2024.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square

COMMUNITY MUSIC Moon Bride, Suzie Brown & Scot Sax Singer-songwriters Moon Bride and Suzie Brown share a bill with Grammy-winning songwriter Scot Sax. Expect folk, pop and other iconic sounds.

FR (1/5), 7pm, Citizen Vinyl, 14 O Henry Ave Fantastic Voyage Oboist Alicia Chapman joins Kelly Brzozowski, Rosalind Buda, Sarah Dietriech, and Jody Miller for a fantastic voyage through music history.

SU (1/7), 3pm, First Presbyterian Church Asheville, 40 Church St Candlelight: A Tribute to Queen & More Candlelight concerts bring the magic of a live, multi-sensory musical experience to awe-inspiring locations like never seen before in Asheville. This week discover the music of Queen and more.

TH (1/11), 8:45pm, AyurPrana Listening Room, 312 Haywood Rd

LITERARY Crime & Politics Book Club Presents: Free Joan Little w/Christina Greene The Crime and Politics book club invites the public to join us for this virtual author event with Christina Greene for her latest book, Free Joan Little.

Register at avl.mx/d8o.

TH (1/4), 6pm, Online Paper Graffiti: World Poetry Night Jefferey Martin leads a night of poetry. Focus is how poetry connects to the world, reaching beyond race, gender, religion and borders.

TH (1/4), 6pm, AmeriHealth Caritas, 216 Asheland Ave Poetry Reading w/ Elizabeth Holden A conversation and poetry reading with Elizabeth Holden.

Holden will read from her newly published book, Reflections: Poems & images.

SA (1/6), 11am, Black Mountain College Museum & Arts Center, 120 College St Poet Quartet: Kathy Nelson, Nicole Farmer, Kenneth Chamlee & Stevie Edwards A monthly poetry reading series coordinated

by Mildred Barya. This month features Kathy Nelson, Nicole Farmer, Kenneth Chamlee and Stevie Edwards.

SU (1/7), 4:30pm, Malaprop's Bookstore and Cafe, 55 Haywood St UNC Press Presents: Elizabeth Engelhardt & Diane Flynt A hybrid, dual-author event with limited in-store seating and the option to attend online.

Join authors Elizabeth Engelhardt and Diane Flynt in conversation.

Register at avl.mx/d8s.

SU (1/8), 6pm, Malaprop’s Bookstore and Cafe, 55 Haywood St Idiot Men: Scott Gould w/Sebastian Matthews Author Scott Gould discusses his latest book, Idiot Men, with Sebastian Matthews.

This is a hybrid author event with in-person and virtual attendance options. Register at avl.mx/d8x.

SU (1/9), 6pm, Malaprop’s Bookstore and Cafe, 55 Haywood St The Language of God: Book Study The Language of God

by Francis Collins provides a testament to the power of faith in the midst of suffering without faltering from its logical stride.

Register with Jim Stoltenberg at celide1947@ gmail.com.

TU (1/9), 10am, Grace Lutheran Church, 1245 6th Ave W, Hendersonville Old Crimes w/Jill McCorkle Jill McCorkle will present her latest book, a story collection entitled Old Crimes. This is a hybrid event with limited in-store seating and the option to attend online. Register at avl.mx/d8y.

SU (1/10), 6pm, Malaprop’s Bookstore and Cafe, 55 Haywood St

THEATER & FILM Southside Family Movie Night Enjoy family-friendly blockbusters with freshly popped popcorn and drinks. Movie titles announced closer

to the event dates.

FR (1/5), 6pm, Dr Wesley Grant, Sr. Southside Center, 285 Livingston St Reasonably Priced Babies Improv Show A formidable improv comedy group that asks the audience for suggestions and then they make that come to technicolor life.

SA (1/6), 7pm, Black Mountain Center for the Arts, 225 W State St, Black Mountain The Campfireball: First Timer’s Club A ‘reverse-storytelling’ show created live and in the moment out of the true experiences of the audience. January is the First Timer’s Club, the best and worst of our firsts.

TH (1/11), 7:30pm, Story Parlor, 227 Haywood Rd

MEETINGS & PROGRAMS Eightfold Path Study Group A group will gather to study the Eightfold Path Program. Kris Kramer will host the group as a fellow participant and student.

WE (1/3, 10), 3:30pm,

Black Mountain Public Library, 105 N Dougherty St, Black Mountain Peace Education Program An innovative series of video-based workshops that help people discover their own inner strength and personal peace.

WE (1/3, 10), 5pm, AmeriHealth Caritas, 216 Asheland Ave Mountain Child Advocacy Center for a Parent/Caregiver Night An insightful and empowering workshop designed to equip you with the tools and knowledge to foster open conversations about personal safety, boundaries, safe touches and consent with your K-5 students.

WE (1/3), 6pm, AmeriHealth Caritas, 216 Asheland Ave WNC: Land of Biodiversity Will Harlan, the Southeast Director and Senior Scientist at the Center for Biological Diversity hosts a conversation about the global biodiversity found in The Southern Appalachians.

WE (1/3), 7pm, OLLI/ Reuter Center, 300 Campus View Rd

Embroiderers' Guild of America: Laurel Chapter The chapter members will be creating no-sew fleece blankets to be donated to the local chapter of Project Linus. This is a continuing project initiated in 2015 TH (1/4), 9:30am, Horse Shoe Community Church, 3 Banner Farm Rd, Mills River Southside Walking Club Gather with others and walk inside Grant Southside Center’s gym or outside if it’s a nice morning.

TH (1/4, 11), TU (1/9), 10:30am, Dr Wesley Grant, Sr. Southside Center, 285 Livingston St Kids & Teens Kung Fu Learn fighting skills as well as conflict resolution and mindfulness.

First class is free to see if it’s a good fit for you.

TH (1/4, 11), MO (1/8), TU (1/19), 4pm, Dragon Phoenix, 51 N Merrimon Ave, Ste 109 January Intention Practice: Part 1 Michael Scardaville will be leading the first in a series of 3 events related to intention setting and living in accordance with our

highest aspirations.

TH (1/4), 6:30pm, Quietude Micro-retreat Center, 1130 Montreat Rd, Black Mountain Senior Road Trippers A fun day of trips for people in the prime of their life with transportation provided.

Advance registration required as space is limited.

FR (1/5), 9am, Linwood Crump Shiloh Community Center, 121 Shiloh Rd Bingo on Grove Street A fun and friendly game of bingo in the community.

FR (1/5), 10:30am, Grove St Community Center, 36 Grove St Astronomy Club of Asheville: Public Star Gaze A public star gaze at Grassland Mountain Observatory in Madison County. This event is free and open to everyone, and registration is not necessary to attend. A temporary gate code, required for entry, will be posted on their website by 5:00 pm on the day of the star gaze. Sunset occurs at 5:17 pm.

Location directions at avl.mx/prxa FR (1/5), 5pm,

Grassland Mountain Observatory, 2890 Grassland Parkway, Marshall Parent's Night Out: XP League Asheville Enjoy a relaxing night out and let the kid's game. Pizza dinner is included, registration is required.

FR (1/5), 5pm, XP League Asheville, 15 Loop Rd, Ste 2B, Arden Bid Whist Make bids, call trumps, and win tricks. Every Saturday for fun competition with the community.

SA (1/6), 1pm, Dr Wesley Grant, Sr. Southside Center, 285 Livingston St Vision Board Playshop & Gentle Restorative Yoga Set your intention for the new year in our Annual Vision Board Playshop with a Gentle Restorative Yoga practice to enhance your intention setting.

SA (1/6), 3pm, Black Mountain Yoga, 116 Montreat Rd, Black Mountain Pressed Floral Frame Workshop This pressed floral class provides a variety of types, sizes and colors of real pressed flowers and greenery. Each

participant can choose the enclosed frame to their liking.

SU (1/7), 1pm, Oklawaha Brewing Co., 147 1st Ave E, Hendersonville Blanket Fort Storytelling Night A night of fantastical lore and legend. The bar will be transformed into a giant blanket fort for a night as you enjoy your libations in comfort.

SU (1/7), 8pm, Crow & Quill, 106 N Lexington Ave Leadership Is Free Workshop: Growth and Development in 3 Areas A free six week course that will enhance your growth development in three areas of leadership.

MO (1/8), 9am, AmeriHealth Caritas, 216 Asheland Ave Writing Your Legacy A seven-week class offered by Aging Gracefully based on the book, Writing Your Legacy: The Step-by-Step Guide to Crafting Your Life Story. Writing will take place inside and outside the class; bring a notebook and your favorite writing tools.

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C OMMU N IT Y CA L EN D AR MO (1/8), 10am, Grace Lutheran Church, 1245 6th Ave W, Hendersonville Cornhole Smash Learn about the game and its benefits from national champion Dillon Pressley. This is a five week course ending with a tournament.

MO (1/8), 11am, Linwood Crump Shiloh Community Center, 121 Shiloh Rd

Stitches of Love Meeting A small group of stitchers who create a variety of handmade items which are donated to local charities. New members are always welcome to join.

MO (1/8), 3pm, Panera Bread, 1843 Hendersonville Rd Monthly Companion Orientation Learn about our worship services, our

medical respite facility, and our bi-weekly restaurant style meals and how you can get involved.

MO (1/8), 5pm, Haywood Street Congregation, 297 Haywood St Financial Starters Get a better understanding on how money, credit, and banks work and why they are essential in securing your financial

future MO (1/8), 6pm, Dr Wesley Grant, Sr. Southside Center, 285 Livingston St Parkinson's Support Group Monthly meeting for those living with Parkinson's disease and those supporting them.

TU (1/9), 10am, Groce Methodist Church, 954 Tunnel Rd

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Therapeutic Recreation Adult Crafting & Cooking A variety of cooking and crafts for individuals with disabilities ages 17 and over each week.

Advance registration at avlrec.com is required TU (1/9), 10am, Oakley Community Center, 749 Fairview Rd Beginning Watercolors for Older Adults Learn the basics of watercooler painting with Heather Clements.

The class is free and all materials are included.

TU (1/9), 11am, Shiloh Community Center, 121 Shiloh Rd Reset: Breathwork Workshop In this breathwork class, you’ll learn how to regulate your nervous system, release stored emotions, and transform into your most authentic self.

TU (1/9), 6pm, The Restoration Hotel Asheville, 68 Patton Ave Lil’ Picasso’s Toddler Art Help little ones embrace their imagination and creativity to develop problem solving, refine motor skills, and creatively to express emotions. This week feature finger painting.

WE (1/10), 1:30pm, Tempie Avery Montford Community Center, 34 Pearson Ave Aerial Silks Foundations Learn how to properly ascend, descend, and create stunning shapes on the silks while emphasizing safety and proper form. Participants of all ages and all abilities are welcome.

WE (1/10), 4pm and 5:30pm, Amethyst Realm, 244 Short Coxe Ave How to Stay Healthy this Winter Attendees can receive free mini-acupuncture treatments and get helpful hits on staying healthy during the cold months. This event is free and open to the public.

WE (1/10), 5pm, Heaven's Cloud Event Center, 130 Sardis Rd Sensory Story Time Each session features a story followed by a related sensory activity designed to activate toddlers’ senses. Each participant receives a copy of the book to take home.

WE (1/10), 5pm, Tempie Avery Montford Community Center, 34 Pearson Ave Crafting w/Cricut Make a new craft each month using your Cricut. For more information, call (828) 350-2058 or email kkennedy@ashevillenc. gov.

WE (1/10), 6pm, Stephens Lee Recreation Center, 30 George Washington Carver Ave Healthcare Workers Meetup Mixer & Social Networking Mix and mingle with other people who are new to or veterans in healthcare. This event encourages people to swap stories, share experiences, net work and make new friends in the industry.

WE (1/10), 6pm, plēb urban winery, 289 Lyman St Paint & Sip A fun and creative painting class. No experience is needed; our skilled instructors

will help guide you each step of the way so that you can recreate this majestic fox.

WE (1/10), 6:15pm, Boojum Brewing Co., 50 N Main St, Waynesville Conserving Carolina Green Drinks: Reducing Wildlife Collisions Dr. Liz Hillard, Wildlands Network’s Senior Wildlife Biologist for the Appalachian Region, will highlight and discuss research findings from two wildlife road crossing projects here in Western North Carolina.

TH (1/11), 5:30pm, Trailside Brewing Co., 873 Lennox Park Dr Bowling for Adults 50+ Friendly games of bowling at Sky Lanes. Transportation provided from Grove St Community Center.

TH (1/11), 1pm, Sky Lanes, 1477 Patton Ave

LOCAL MARKETS RAD Farmers Market Winter Season Browse 30+ local vendors all winter long with fresh produce, pastured meats, baked goods, honey, and more. Safely accessible by bike or foot on the greenway, plus free public parking along Riverside Drive.

WE (1/10), 3pm, Smoky Park Supper Club, 350 Riverside Dr

FESTIVALS & SPECIAL EVENTS First Friday: An Evening on The Block Experience the vibrancy and creativity of the historic business district.

Enjoy the live music, food, and drinks and celebrate the strength and connectedness of

our community.

FR (1/5), 5pm, The Foundry Hotel, 51 S Market St Country Roots Reunion w/Ryan Perry A night of country music filled with twangy tunes, heartfelt lyrics and good ol’ country vibes from Hendersonville’s own rising star, Ryan Perry.

FR (1/5), 8pm, The Main Event, 125 S Main St

VOLUNTEERING Rhythms for Royce: A Benefit Concert for Royce the Voice This benefit concert will feature some of Western North Carolina's greatest jazz and R&B musicians.

Proceeds will benefit Royce the Voice who suffered a stroke and heart attack.

FR (1/5), 7pm, Mary C. Jenkins Community and Cultural Center, 221 Mills Ave, Brevard Warming Shelter & Sanctuary In addition to a warm, welcoming space to share a meal with neighbors, Saturday sanctuary offers restrooms, phone charging, videos, popcorn and a safe place to rest.

SA (1/6), 11am, First Presbyterian Church Asheville, 40 Church St Paws & Pints Adoption Day Each month you can meet adoptable pups from Charlie's Angels Animal Rescue and enjoy drinks from Hillman.

SU (1/7), 1pm, Hillman Beer, 25 Sweeten Creek Rd

2024

Wellness Issues

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JAN. 3-9, 2024

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HEALTH ROUNDUP

Paid content from HCA Healthcare Did you know Mission Hospital has a pizza oven? You do now!

Editor’s note: The following content, unlike Mountain Xpress’ award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.

On Dec. 25, Mission Hospital opened a new maternity center.

“We’re proud of the amenities we offer new moms at the Mission Hospital Baby Center, like having a glass of water, opening a window or using the toilet,” says spokesperson Nancy Lindell.

For an extra fee, Lindell notes, a health care professional with an advanced degree will be paid overtime to clean the toilet between patients.

“Mission Hospital has the most dedicated staff,” Lindell adds. “And the hospital is recognized year-after-year for those health care excellence awards that we pay for.” The press release about the most recent health care excellence award can be emailed to any and all area publications again on

the slim chance that editors, staff and payroll personnel don’t already have it.

When asked about the maternity wing, Mission Hospital CEO Chad Patrick replied that the company is delighted to welcome new health care customers. “Especially ones without enough object permanence to tell whether there is a nurse keeping watch over them,” he says.

HCA has listened to feedback from previous maternity center patients, he continues, and its delivery rooms now have heat and running water. He says putting bars on the cribs, available for an additional fee, would become available in fall 2026.

“We’re constantly improving,” he says.

Any additional feedback can be directed to the independent monitor hired to oversee HCA when the for-profit health care system purchased nonprofit Mission Hospital for $1.5 billion in 2019.

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Though the name of the company doing the independent monitoring or their contact information is irrelevant, Patrick is especially proud of the fact that Mission Hospital has a pizza oven in its cafeteria.

“How many hospitals can you say have a pizza oven, huh?” he ponders, turning his gaze to the Golf Channel playing on the flatscreen TV in his office.

Questions regarding whether Mission Hospital staff are permitted to eat meals from the pizza oven in its cafeteria are also irrelevant.

Buxton relocates to Mission Hospital Acclaimed South Slope restaurant Buxton Hall Barbecue will relocate to the Mission Hospital cafeteria, HCA’s new food and beverage manager Katie Button has confirmed.

“We’re really building out the whole space to be a ‘go-to’ destination for foodies in the region — not just a chicken noodle soup slop shop for patients on the fifth floor,” says the four-time James Beard Award nominee. “We see this as Asheville’s most exciting food court.”

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Rejecting accusations that the company is profiteering from people in ill health, Sam Hazen, CEO of the for-profit publicly listed HCA, says, “The fact is we have ‘dead’ space in the cafeteria. Specifically, between the gas-fired pizza oven imported from Italy and the fresh sushi preparation station. We don’t really make much money from partially comping nurses meals, so this is a logical next step in the evolution of Asheville’s acclaimed food scene.”

Hazen continues, “We really see ourselves as more of a ‘whole-circle’ solution than simply the nation’s largest for-profit hospital chain. So, yes, people are born here, and plenty die here, but the missing link is food, and we believe some lowand-slow Carolina-style ribs will help us expand into new markets.” Coughing and adjusting his tie, Hazen adds, “We hope our shareholders will agree.”

Chai Pani Restaurant Group co-founder Meherwan Irani, owner of Buxton Hall, was enthusiastic about the possibilities. “People love barbecue, and having exclusivity in Asheville’s latest food concept was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up,” he says. “I closed the original Buxton Hall location pretty much immediately — I’m all-in on HCA, baby!”

The new concept will have long-standing Buxton Hall classics such as the buttermilk fried chicken sandwich, reimagined with a creamy painkiller-infused dipping sauce on the side and served on a disused medical gurney.

“Just wait till you see what we’ve done with the Bourbon & Cheerwine Slushies,” Irani says with a wink.

— Xpress Staff X

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37

ARTS & CULTURE

WITH ERIC BROWN & CAYLA CLARK

An inside look at the local comedy scene

BY THOMAS CALDER

ones who don’t take themselves too seriously but still pour their hearts and souls into their craft.

Eric: As a guy who has done all of the forms of comedy listed above (except for burlesque, unless getting drunk at Double Crown and taking my shirt off counts [I used to drink a lot, and there’s no time to get into it here]), I think all comedy is valid. That being said, there really is a weird divide between stand-ups and improvisers. It’s not as prevalent here as it is in other cities. The Asheville scene does have a lot of crossover and support.

tcalder@mountainx.com Xpress recently named Eric Brown and Cayla Clark as the new co-hosts of our monthly comedy feature “Best Medicine.”

For this year’s Humor Issue, we brought the two together to pick their brains about all things funny.

Xpress: You’ve both now handled at least one “Best Medicine” feature since coming on in late 2023. Any surprises or unexpected challenges in hosting?

Cayla: This may sound like the “biggest weakness” portion of a job interview, but there is honest-to-goodness too much talent in this town. Part of what makes Asheville such an incredible place to live is the amount of artistic talent per capita. Every comedic platform is saturated with genius, from the improv community to the variety shows. There’s even a niche comedic pole dancing/burlesque genre in this town. We’re a bunch of big, goofy fish in a little brown pond. Or, a little brown river.

Eric: I think the biggest challenge is not being there to hear the laughs when people read my stuff in “Best Medicine.” I personally know everything — and I do mean everything — I write is absolutely hilarious. But getting your friends to read your stuff is always a challenge. Plus, you’re usually not there when they read it. So I do one of two things.

Either, I’ll have them read it in front of me, and I’ll wait, inches away from their face, to receive my well-earned laughs. Or I’ll have them reenact their laughs, and if I don’t find them believable, I’ll wish my former friend a good day and never see them again.

Cayla: Damn, that’s sad.

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JAN. 3-9, 2024

What’s the biggest misconception about comedians that you regularly come across?

TWICE AS FUNNY: Eric Brown and Cayla Clark discuss the local comedy scene, revealing why stand-ups and improv artists don’t always get along.

Photo of Brown by Cindy Kunst; photo of Clark by Donnie Rex Bishop Moving on. ... If Asheville’s local comedy scene was a superhero, what would its superpower be?

Eric: I guess it would be endurance. I see my stand-up friends somehow doing 18 mics per week.

There are only seven days in a week. I don’t even know how they pull it off. And to do it all while having to work a full-time job or two — it has to be a superpower.

Cayla: Oh gosh. Maybe Thick Skinboi? Thick Skinboi’s superpower would be staying onstage for a full 30 minutes of radio silence and/or heavily intoxicated tourists yelling things like, “Why didn’t your dad love you?!” I have immense amounts of respect for my friends who do mics. Like Eric said, there are about 40 open mics on any given night (don’t check my math on that) in dive bars, breweries, kava bars, bookshops, post offices, underground tunnel systems, you name it. I can guarantee that if I got heckled one time, I would be out of the standup game for the rest of my life. I’m not afraid to quit. I’ll quit right now. Dare me.

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As you’ve noted, within the scene you’ve got a lot of different types of comedy — improv, stand-up, game show, burlesque. Pull back the curtain a little and tell us about the different groups. Can you spot, say, a stand-up versus an improv artist.

What’s the tell?

Cayla: I might get in trouble for speaking on this, but there is a shrouded, unspoken rivalry between stand-ups and improvisers. Don’t get me wrong, there’s also a lot of crossover and an incredible amount of support and camaraderie among all community members. But improvisers are always like, “Oh yeah, stand-up comedy: Let me tell the same five jokes over and over until I die.” And stand-ups are like, “Oh yeah, improv: Let me come up with new jokes over and over until I die.”

Jokes are jokes, at the end of the day. We’re all just here to laugh and have a good time. Except for those of us who are here because our parents didn’t show us quite enough love during our formative years.

I’ve learned that there’s a delicate balance between taking the craft seriously and taking self seriously.

My favorite local comedians are the

Cayla: I’ve never come across a misconception about comedians, personally. We’re all very sensitive and poor. And literally everything is a bit. I can’t say for sure that I’ve ever had an authentic conversation with anyone in the comedy community. Or, I guess, because I’m a member of the community, I can’t say for sure that I’ve ever had an authentic conversation with … anyone.

Eric: This whole statement is a misconception. I’m not sensitive and incredibly, obscenely wealthy. I’m being completely authentic here. I’m certainly not drowning in credit card debt, and I’m certainly not crying as I write this because the TV was on in the background and a commercial came on where a dad was nice to his son. I wonder what that would be like. … Anyway, none of this is a bit.

I swear. Next question.

Cayla: I’ve got a question, Eric: Why didn’t your dad love you?

Oh, but also here are some other misconceptions: None of us do comedy because we are insecure and desperate for even just an Oliver Twist-sized shred of external validation. We are all very confident in ourselves and we never use humor to deflect. Our emotional intelligence levels are off the charts. We are all in therapy, too. Because, you know, we all have health insurance.

Eric: Like I said, none of this is a bit. NEXT QUESTION!

Hmm. ... Yes, well, how about we discuss what you all perceive as desperately needed in Asheville’s comedy scene. Outside of health insurance and perhaps the approval of a father figure.

Cayla: Performance space. I think I can probably speak for all of us (right, Eric?) when I say our community is incredibly grateful to all of the retail shops, dive bars and craft breweries that allow us to perform inside their venues. We love you.

However, I don’t think any of us will ever take a stage for granted again.

Eric: Yes, I’ll just echo what Cayla said here. For a comedy scene this big to not have a single devoted comedy theater is criminal. The reason that doesn’t exist is the same reason all comedians are broke: There’s little to no funding for the arts. We do comedy because we love it, but I can safely speak for all of us when I say we could all use some money out of it. So here’s my proposal: grants for comedy at the city level. Help artists pay for venues in town so we can keep doing our bits about how

expensive it is to live here and how we’re all dead inside.

Cayla: What’s … funding? Just kidding (how appropriate), Eric brings up an exceptional point. I personally believe that artistic creation is the string that binds the very fabric of society together. Did that sound smart? Life can be pretty dark and dismal, and some degree of levity is genuinely crucial in this day and age. We have enough bridges, for crying out loud. That road doesn’t need 87 lanes, you morons. Give us a black box and some dang funds.

Who is a local talent that you anticipate big things from in 2024 — and why?

Cayla: First off, I am not biased.

Let’s get that straight. My boyfriend, Ryan Gordon, is my fourth-favorite local stand-up comedian after Jess Cooley, Cody Hughes and Petey Smith-McDowell. That being said, I have a gut feeling that 2024 is going to be his year (Ryan’s, that is). He’s hardworking, pretty funny and 30, so doesn’t have very many years left. I feel confident enough to immortalize this sentiment in

print because if there’s one place that romantic relationships last, it’s among members of the Asheville comedy scene.

In other avenues, I have heard incredible things about Adesto Theatre. Improvisers/roommates/ besties Joe Carroll and Peter Lundblad are national treasures.

They’re like Asheville’s bargain basement version of Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. That sounds like a roast, but it’s legitimately the highest compliment I’ve ever paid anyone.

I would be remiss to not give a warm shout to my Blind Date Live co-hosts, Donnie Rex Bishop (who also happens to be an incredible improviser) and Toni Brown (a comedic diamond in the rough).

Co-producing the show with George Awad and Paul Dixon of Double Dip Productions has also been wonderful. Working on a project like those two is kind of like having two funny dads. (George, Paul: If you’re reading this — are you proud of me? Do you love me yet?)

Oh, and there will undoubtedly be an incredible amount of fun comedic acts of all kinds in the

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Asheville Fringe Festival this coming March.

Eric: I second all of those standups. To throw a couple more in the mix, I think Hilliary Begley is consistently one of the funniest people around. Hilliary is always working on something, and it’s always good.

I also like CJ Green. I did a show with him on the bill a few months back, and I was floored with how funny he was.

As for improv, we have an unbelievable amount of talent here. I won’t list all the individual players I like or we’d be here all day. I will, however, list all the improv schools and companies: Asheville School of Improv, Misfit Improv and Acting School and Speakeasy Improv. I love working with them all, but like Cayla said, Adesto Theatre really seemed to set the improv scene on fire this year. Every performer and school came together under their umbrella to put on some truly remarkable shows. The excitement surrounding their shows was unreal, and I loved being a part of it.

If this first year of theirs was this good, I can only imagine what 2024 will bring. X

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39

ARTS & CU L T U R E

ARTS

Colorful crew

Pink Dog Creative’s latest group exhibit showcases various mediums

BY ARNOLD WENGROW a.wengrow@yahoo.com Artist Amanda McLenon calls herself the new kid on the block.

Two years ago, she moved to West Asheville by way of Charleston, S.C. More recently, she purchased a home in Weaverville and rented her first studio space at Pink Dog Creative in the River Arts District in July.

She was still getting to know her fellow Pink Dog artists when the building’s co-owner, Hedy Fischer, offered the gallery space to its members for a group show. McLenon stepped up and planned the event, figuring it would be a great way to introduce herself. Or, as she more colorfully puts it, “I’m the newbie who dumbly volunteered to organize this show.

Everyone kind of laughed at me.”

The exhibit, The Colors of Pink, runs through Sunday, Feb. 25, and features 18 of the building’s 30 artists. As its title suggests, the collection explores the studio’s unusual name as well as the role color plays in each work.

INSPIRED BY NATURE Similar to McLenon, Emelie Weber Wade is a relative newcomer to Pink Dog. She and her husband, B, moved to Asheville from Frankfort, Ky., in November 2022.

“We came down to the RAD for the studio stroll and looked around at different studios,” Wade recalls. “I didn’t think I’d get one anytime soon. But I talked to someone at Pink Dog who was planning on leaving. So I was able to take over her space right away.”

MOVIE REVIEWS FERRARI: Featuring powerful turns from Adam Driver and Penélope Cruz, director Michael Mann’s biopic of Enzo Ferrari is the year’s best film. Grade: A — Edwin Arnaudin

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JAN. 3-9, 2024

SHADES OF PINK: Starting left, Viola Spells, Amanda McLenon and Emelie Weber Wade are three of the 18 participating artists in Pink Dog Creative’s latest exhibit The Colors of Pink. Photo by Thomas Calder Wade’s studio, Lundadendron, focuses on handwoven wearable art.

A native of Columbus, Ohio, Wade says she developed an interest in her craft at an early age. “I learned how to knit when I was in middle school at the public library. And my neighbor taught me how to sew so I could make a medieval dress for history class. I really got into art quilts and dyeing fabric in high school.”

Wade studied weaving at Berea College in Kentucky, where she worked full time at a call center. “I was weaving at night in the kitchen area of our tiny studio apartment,” she says. Her studio’s unusual name was inspired during these sessions. “It came to me as a flower that grows by the moon.”

Wade says she creates modern textiles for old souls. “I look at a lot of old Appalachian weaving patterns,” she explains. “And I look at a lot of vintage fabric for inspiration. So my pieces have a very vintage feel. But of course, I use modern fibers and a modern loom.”

For The Colors of Pink, Wade is exhibiting a crop top with an intricate pattern of irregular diamonds and chevrons. “It’s like a shawl that has more structure,” she says. “It’s meant to be worn over something.”

Nature, she adds, inspired the design. “I have been really wanting to do a piece based on the rosy maple moth,” she says. “That’s where [my design’s] colors come from, but I was also looking at the shapes of the moth wing. I am really interested in insects and trees and ecology.”

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Unlike McLenon and Wade, Viola Spells is an Asheville native. At her Pink Dog studio, ZenobiaStudio, she crochets thin wire into intricate webs that she shapes into robust bracelets, necklaces and earrings embellished with gemstones, crystals, beads and other materials.

Spells, who attended Asheville’s former Allen High School, was introduced to crocheting and enameling in Girl Scouts. Her mother, Zenobia Jones, coached her in crocheting. “She helped me master some of the techniques,” Spells says. “And my grandmother made doilies that decorated my home as I was growing up in Asheville.”

Spells says her fascination with jewelry was sparked by a childhood train ride to Dayton, Ohio. “My father gave my brother and me both $25. We had to change trains in Cincinnati and had an hour layover. So I wandered around the station trying to find a necklace.”

She eventually found one she liked but wanted to see what other options awaited her in Dayton. “But I didn’t find anything,” she says. “I saved my money the whole time. On the way back, I got that necklace. I still have it.”

Spells’ studio is named to honor her mother, but her work, she says, honors all women. “In this exhibit, I use woven wire inspired by African culture to reflect how women have always woven materials and social fibers to cultivate connections, color, and comfort in their homes, families and communities,” she says.

Back at McLenon’s studio, the show’s organizer notes that there will be artist talks and demonstrations throughout the exhibit’s run.

“The thing to stress about this show is that it is a special opportunity to see work from most of the Pink Dog Creative members in one location, to meet some of the artists and to talk to them about what color means in their work,” she says.

“The show is not curated,” McLenon continues. “I paint in large scale, so I have one 36-inch square painting called ‘Sunset Cranes.’ People who do small work have multiple pieces.”

Getting to know her neighbors, she continues, has been satisfying. “This is the best group of artists I have ever shared space with. They are a really cool, eclectic group and they are supersupportive of each other. It is truly a community.” X

WHAT The Colors of Pink WHERE Pink Dog Gallery, 342-348 Depot St. Free WHEN Through Sunday, Feb. 25. avl.mx/bux

CLUBLAND For questions about free listings, call 828-251-1333, opt. 4.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3 185 KING STREET Trivia & Karaoke Night, 7pm FLEETWOOD'S Psych Night w/DJ Torren, 9pm FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Saylor Brothers & Friends (jamgrass), 6:30pm HIGHLAND BREWING CO. Well-Crafted Music w/ Matt Smith, 6pm JACK OF THE WOOD PUB Old Time Jam, 5pm OKLAWAHA BREWING CO. Bluegrass Jam w/ Derek McCoy & Friends, 6pm ONE STOP AT ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL Humpday Hootenanny (funk, rock), 10pm ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Latin Night w/DJ Mtn Vibez, 8:30pm SHAKEY'S Sexy Service Industry Night w/DJ Ek Balam, 10pm SHILOH & GAINES Trivia Night, 7pm SOVEREIGN KAVA Poetry Open Mic, 8pm THE GREY EAGLE Emerald Rae (Celtic, folk), 8pm

URBAN ORCHARD CIDER CO. SOUTH SLOPE Trivia, 6:30pm

THURSDAY, JANUARY 4 CROW & QUILL Russ Wilson & The Kings of Jazz, 8pm DIFFERENT WRLD Destructo Disk, Strawberry Moon, Tongues of Fire & Seismic Sutra (surfpunk, noise-rock, post-punk), 7:30pm EULOGY Pleasure Principles w/Brandon Manitoba (new-wave, italo, synths), 8pm FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Jerry's Dead (Grateful Dead & JGB Tribute), 6pm HIGHLAND BREWING DOWNTOWN TAPROOM Not Rocket Science Trivia, 6pm JACK OF THE WOOD PUB Bluegrass Jam w/ Drew Matulich, 7:30pm OKLAWAHA BREWING CO. Collin Cheek (Appalachian, Americana), 7pm ONE STOP AT ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL The Lumpy Heads (Phish tribute), 10pm

ALBUM RELEASE SHOW: On Friday, Jan. 5, Mama and the Ruckus, led by vocalist Melissa McKinney, hosts an album-release show at The Grey Eagle, featuring roots rock and blues originals. The show starts at 8 p.m. with Melissa’s daughter McKinney opening the night with a short set of new original music. Photo courtesy of Perpetual Present Photography ONE WORLD BREWING Kid Billy (Americana, blues, indie-folk), 7pm SHAKEY'S Karaoke, 9pm SHILOH & GAINES Karaoke Night, 8pm

THE GREY EAGLE Hannah Kaminer & The Wistfuls w/ Thomas Kozak (roots, Americana), 8pm

THE ODD Academy Order, Bombay Gasoline & Half Blind Eyes (deathrock, electro-rock, post-punk), 9pm

THE STATION BLACK MOUNTAIN Mr Jimmy (blues), 6:30pm

URBAN ORCHARD CIDER CO. SOUTH SLOPE Bachata Thursdays, 8:30pm

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FRIDAY, JANUARY 5 185 KING STREET Random Animals (indie-rock, funk, R&B), 8pm BOLD ROCK ASHEVILLE Karaoke Night, 8pm

BOTANIST & BARREL TASTING BAR + BOTTLE SHOP Descolada (country, folk rock'n'roll), 6:30pm CATAWBA BREWING CO. SOUTH SLOPE ASHEVILLE Comedy at Catawba: Best of 2024 Comedy Showcase, 7pm

CROW & QUILL DJ Dr. Filth (jazz, soul, R&B), 9pm CORK & KEG Breakin’ Up Christmas Old-Time Jam, 8pm EULOGY Duck w/Superbassic & Magenta Sunshine (funk, blues, psych), 8pm

WORLDS LARGEST KAVA BAR SUN: Cosmic Appalachian Soul Sundays, 7pm MON: Ping-Pong Tournament, 6pm TUE: Open Jam w/ house band the Lactones, 8pm WED: Poetry Open Mic AVL, 8:30pm/8pm signup

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C LU BL A N D GINGER'S REVENGE CRAFT BREWERY & TASTING ROOM Jody Carroll (blues, folks, roots), 6pm HIGHLAND BREWING CO. Relay Relay (indiepop), 7pm HIGHLAND BREWING DOWNTOWN TAPROOM Jesse Harman (bluegrass, country), 6pm

JACK OF THE WOOD PUB • Honky-Tonk Fridays w/Jackson Grimm, 4pm • Crystal Fountains (bluegrass, folk, Americana), 9pm

ONE STOP AT ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL Plantasmagoria (funk), 10pm

LA TAPA LOUNGE Open Mic Night w/ Hamza, 8pm

ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Pink Mercury (indiepop), 8pm

OKLAWAHA BREWING CO. AstroSauce (rock), 8pm

ONE WORLD BREWING Chris Caruso (rock, Americana), 8pm

SHAKEY'S • Friday Late Nights w/DJ Ek Balam, 12am • Big Blue Jams Band (multiple genres), 9pm SHILOH & GAINES Dirty Dead (Grateful Dead & JGB tribute), 9pm THE GREY EAGLE Mamma & The Ruckus (blues, funk), 8pm THE ODD A Cold Night in Hell, 9pm THE ORANGE PEEL The 40, 20, 10’S w/Julia Sanders (Americana, country, rock), 8pm THE RIVER ARTS DISTRICT BREWING CO. Roots & Dore (blues, soul), 6pm

LOCAL MUSIC SHOWCASE: The Orange Peel hosts a local showcase on Thursday, Jan. 11, highlighting the unique sounds and genres of Dark City Kings, Aunt Vicki and Fashion Bath, starting at 8 p.m.

Photo courtesy of Zachary Hayes (Fashion Bath) URBAN ORCHARD CIDER CO. SOUTH SLOPE Cider Celts (Celtic, folk, old-time), 6pm WXYZ BAR AT ALOFT Christina Chandler Duo (folk, Americana), 7pm

SATURDAY, JANUARY 6 185 KING STREET Unpaid Bill & the Bad Czechs (folk, ragtime), 8pm

27 CLUB Process/Sleep, Filern, Avro & Emancipator (emo, electronic), 8pm ASHEVILLE CLUB Mr Jimmy (blues), 7pm

ASHEVILLE YOGA CENTER True Balance: A Handstand Workshop, 2pm BATTERY PARK BOOK EXCHANGE Dinah's Daydream (jazz), 6pm BLUE GHOST BREWING CO. The Accentrix Duo (folk, blues, jazzy), 6pm

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JAN. 3-9, 2024

CORK & KEG Vaden Landers Band (honky-tonk, Appalachian, country), 8pm CROW & QUILL Drayton & The Dreamboats (vintage-jazz, rock'n'roll), 8pm DIFFERENT WRLD Rick Maguire (indierock), 9pm EULOGY Wagging w/Hiding Places (pop), 8pm FLEETWOOD'S Father Figures, 30 is Dead & the Discs (emo, pop, post-rock), 8pm GINGER'S REVENGE Eyes Up Here Comedy, 7pm GINGER'S REVENGE CRAFT BREWERY & TASTING ROOM Eyes Up Here Comedy, 6:30pm

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OKLAWAHA BREWING CO. Pink Beds (indie-pop), 8pm

ONE STOP AT ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL Mono Means One (rock, jazz, folk), 10pm ONE WORLD BREWING Michael Lashomb (multiple genres), 7pm ONE WORLD BREWING WEST • Invitational Blues Showcase, 4pm • Art of House, 8pm THE BURGER BAR Best Worst Karaoke, 9pm THE GREY EAGLE Pretty Little Goat & The Wilder Flower (bluegrass, Appalachian, old-time), 8pm THE ORANGE PEEL • Kid Hop Hooray (dance party), 10am • Hardwired (Metallica tribute), 8pm WXYZ BAR AT ALOFT DJ Daggett, 7pm

SUNDAY, JANUARY 7 CATAWBA BREWING CO. SOUTH SLOPE ASHEVILLE Monster Comedy Jam, 6:30pm FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Reggae Sunday w/ Chalwa, 3pm HIGHLAND BREWING CO. Grateful Sunday (Grateful Dead tribute), 2pm JACK OF THE WOOD PUB • Bluegrass Brunch, 1pm • Traditional Irish Jam, 3:30pm

ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Sunday Jazz Jam, 1:30pm SOVEREIGN KAVA Cosmic Appalachian Soul, 7pm THE GREY EAGLE Viv & Riley (soul, Appalachian, indiefolk), 7pm THE ODD Convalescent, Saturnine & Castle House (indie, post-punk, shoegaze-rock), 8pm

JACK OF THE WOOD PUB Quizzo! Pub Trivia w/Jason Mencer, 7:30pm OKLAWAHA BREWING CO. Takes All Kinds Open Mic Nights, 7pm ONE WORLD BREWING Open Mic Downtown, 7:30pm ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Mashup Mondays w/ The JLloyd Mashup Band, 8pm

THE ORANGE PEEL Zoso (Led Zeppelin Tribute), 8pm

THE JOINT NEXT DOOR Mr Jimmy & Friends (blues), 7pm

MONDAY, JANUARY 8

TUESDAY, JANUARY 9

5 WALNUT WINE BAR CaroMia, Rahm, Iannuci & Jaze Uries (dream-pop, soul, R&B), 8pm

FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Robert's Totally Rad Trivia, 7pm

EULOGY THe Chosen Ones: Industry Night w/ Devyn Marzuola, 8pm HAYWOOD COUNTRY CLUB Open Mic w/Taylor Martin & Special Guests, 7:15pm

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OKLAWAHA BREWING CO. Team Trivia, 7pm ONE WORLD BREWING WEST The Grateful Family Band Tuesdays (Grateful Dead tribute), 6pm SHAKEY'S Booty Tuesday w/DJ Tamagatchi, 9pm

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C L UB L AND SOVEREIGN KAVA Tuesday Night Open Jam, 8pm THE RIVER ARTS DISTRICT BREWING CO. Open Mic w/Jenny B., 7pm WHITE HORSE

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 10 185 KING STREET Trivia & Karaoke Night, 7pm

HIGHLAND BREWING CO. Well-Crafted Music w/ Matt Smith, 6pm JACK OF THE WOOD PUB Old Time Jam, 5pm

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Saylor Brothers &

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ONE STOP AT ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL Humpday Hootenanny (funk, rock), 10pm

THE ODD Leah Lawson, Jackson Grimm & Lillian Leadbetter (Appalachian, folk, Americana), 8pm

ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Latin Night w/DJ Mtn Vibez, 8:30pm

URBAN ORCHARD CIDER CO. SOUTH SLOPE Trivia Night, 6:30pm

SHAKEY'S Sexy Service Industry Night, 10pm

THURSDAY, JANUARY 11

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FRI DIRTY DEAD Grateful Dead & 1/5 JGB Tribute Band FRI BLOODKIN 1/12 Rock & Roll • Ticketed Event SAT AFTER HOURS 1/13 Feat. Eli Kahn & Joe Enright 21+ ID REQUIRED • NO COVER CHARGE 700 Hendersonville Rd • shilohandgaines.com

185 KING STREET The Water Kickers (folk-rock, Americana), 7pm BATTERY PARK BOOK EXCHANGE Mike Kenton & Jim Tanner (jazz), 5:30pm FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Jerry's Dead (Grateful Dead & JGB Tribute), 6pm HIGHLAND BREWING DOWNTOWN TAPROOM Not Rocket Science Trivia, 6pm JACK OF THE WOOD PUB Bluegrass Jam w/ Drew Matulich, 7:30pm

ONE STOP AT ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL The Lumpy Heads (Phish tribute), 10pm ONE WORLD BREWING Andrew Wakefield (bluegrass), 7pm SHAKEY'S Karaoke, 9pm SIERRA NEVADA BREWING CO. George Porter Jr. & Runnin' Pardners (funk, R&B), 7pm THE GREY EAGLE Hex Wizard w/the Beard Cult (psych, rock'n'roll), 8pm THE STATION BLACK MOUNTAIN Mr Jimmy (blues), 6:30pm THE ODD Honky Tonk Night, 9pm THE ORANGE PEEL Aunt Vicki, Dark City Kings & Fashion Bath (indie-rock, bluegrass), 8pm

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F R E E W I L L A S T R O L O G Y BY ROB BREZSNY ARIES (March 21-April 19): The plan I will propose in this horoscope is for temporary use.

I’m not recommending you stick to it for all of 2024, but just for the next 15 to 18 days. If you do, I believe it will set you up for beautiful success in the coming months. Here’s my idea: Embark on a free-form extravaganza of playing and having fun. Just for now, set aside your ambition. Don’t worry about improving yourself and producing results. Simply enjoy a phase of suspending inhibitions, creatively messing around, having nothing to prove, and being motivated by the quest for joy.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Climate change is impacting rainbows. Rising temperatures and dryer conditions mean that some parts of the world will get fewer rainbows, and other areas will get more. Canada and Siberia will benefit, while the Mediterranean will be less well-endowed with sky-borne arcs of color that come from sunlit rain. But I predict that no matter where you live, the rainbow will be a potent and regular symbol for you Bulls in 2024 — more than ever before. That means you will have increased reasons to entertain hope and more power to find beauty. On occasion, there may even be very good luck at the metaphorical rainbow’s end. If you’re an LGBTQIA2S+ Taurus, be on high alert for breakthroughs in your ability to get the appreciation you deserve.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): As one of your inspirational stories for 2024, I offer this tale from singer-songwriter Tom Waits: “Once upon a time, there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. They grew next to each other. Every day, the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and say, ’You’re crooked. You’ve always been crooked, and you’ll continue to be crooked. But look at me! I’m tall, and I’m straight.’ Then one day, lumberjacks came to the forest and looked around. The manager in charge said, ’Cut all the straight trees.’ And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange.” (P.S.: Here’s more from Gemini writer Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Be true to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant.”)

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Japanese artist Hokusai (1760-1849) developed a fascination for his country’s iconic Mount Fuji. In his seventies, he produced a series of woodblock prints titled Thirty-Six Views of Mount Fuji. Later, he added three books of prints collectively called One Hundred Views of Mount Fuji. Some art historians say his obsession stemmed from the legend that the mountain was home to the secret of immortality. The coming year will be a fine time for you Cancerians to celebrate and concentrate on your own Mount Fuji-like passion.

Sometime soon, identify what it is, and start making plans to commune with it intensely.

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adventures. And the extra good news is that wandering out in nature will provide even more inspiration and healing than usual. Treasure this quote from conservationist Rachel Carson: “Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure: the migration of the birds, the ebb and flow of the tides, the folded bud ready for the spring.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I am pleased to inform you that a visit to hell will not be on your itinerary in 2024. You may be invited to take a few excursions into the realm that depth psychologists call the underworld, but that’s a good thing. There you will be able to hunt for treasures that have been hidden and uncover secrets that will illuminate your epic, monthslong quest for wholeness. It may sometimes be dark and shadowy down there below, but almost always dark and shadowy in ways that will lead you to healing. (I will reiterate what I implied above: The underworld is NOT hell.)

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I hope that working hard on togetherness will be a fun project for you in the coming months. To do it well, you must outgrow some habitual ways of doing friendship and intimacy. You will have to be imaginative and ingenious. Are you willing to believe that you do not yet know all there is to know about being a fantastic ally and partner? Are you ready to approach the arts of collaboration and cooperation as if enhancing your skills is the most important thing you can do? For the sake of your best selfish goals, be a brilliant teammate in 2024.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Each of us is a complex, kaleidoscopic work of art, whether or not we consciously approach our destiny in that spirit. Every day, we use our creative imagination to craft new elements of the masterpiece known as the story of our life. Leos come by this fun project naturally, but you Sagittarians also have great potential to embrace it with glee and panache. I trust you will be especially keen on enjoying this sacred work in 2024. And right now, today and in the coming weeks, will be an excellent time to ramp up the scintillating drama.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “I am against sex education in schools because sex is more fun when it’s dirty and sinful.” So said Capricorn author Florence King. I reject and rebel against that perverse declaration — and encourage you to disavow it, too, in 2024. In my astrological opinion, the coming months will be a favorable time to learn everything about sex and eros that you don’t already know. I hope you will dive deep as you gather a rich array of teachings about how to enjoy the art of making love more than ever before. (Consider consulting tantric manuals like Margo Anand’s The Art of Sexual Magic: Cultivating Sexual Energy to Transform Your Life.)

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): If you will ever in your life go viral — that is, create or do something that suddenly becomes widely known and influential — I bet it will be in 2024. Even if you don’t produce TikTok videos seen by 10 million people, you are at least likely to become more visible in your local community or field of endeavor. Of course, I would prefer that your fame and clout spread because of the good deeds you do, not the weird deeds. So I urge you to cultivate high integrity and a wildly generous spirit in the coming months.

Be a role model who inspires and uplifts.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Singersongwriter Tori Amos says she’s sure she was burned for being a witch in a previous lifetime. I suspect most of us had past incarnations in which we were punished simply for being our beautiful selves. I bring this up, Aquarius, because I think 2024 will be a favorable time to get some healing from any ancient hurt like that. You will have a series of experiences that could help you recover from the illusion that being faithful to your truth is somehow wrong. Life will conspire with you to help you reclaim more of the full audacity to be your gorgeous, genuine self.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I expect 2024 to be a free-spirited, wide-ranging, big-vision type of year for you, dear Virgo. I predict you will feel an abundance of urges to travel, roam and explore.

You will be more excited than anxious about the prospect of leaving your comfort zone, and you will have a special fondness for getting your mind expanded by interesting encounters. That doesn’t mean you will avoid all awkwardness and confusion. Some of that stuff will happen, though it will usually evolve into educational

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I believe 2024 will be one of the best years ever for your education. Your willingness and eagerness to learn will be at a peak. Your knack for attracting inspirational teachers will be excellent. It’s likely you will be exceptionally curious and open to good influences. My advice is to be alert for lessons not just from obvious sources of wisdom and revelation, but also from unexpected founts. Don’t be too sure you know where revelations and illumination might come from.

JAN. 3-9, 2024

MOUNTAINX.COM

REAL ESTATE & RENTALS | ROOMMATES | JOBS | SERVICES ANNOUNCEMENTS | CLASSES & WORKSHOPS | MIND, BODY, SPIRIT MUSICIANS’ SERVICES | PETS | AUTOMOTIVE | XCHANGE | ADULT Want to advertise in Marketplace? 828-251-1333 advertise@mountainx.com • mountainx.com/classifieds If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Remember the Russian proverb: “Doveryai, no proveryai,” trust but verify. When answering classified ads, always err on the side of caution. Especially beware of any party asking you to give them financial or identification information. The Mountain Xpress cannot be responsible for ensuring that each advertising client is legitimate. Please report scams to advertise@mountainx.com RENTALS VACATION RENTALS RV PARKING SPACE - 10 MINUTES FROM DOWNTOWN ASHEVILLE Creek front on wooded acre. Vehicle must be under 30 feet. $500 a month. 828-380-6095.

EMPLOYMENT HUMAN SERVICES ONTRACK WNC IS HIRING A GRANTS AND DEVELOPMENT MANAGER! OnTrack WNC is looking for an excellent writer and storyteller to be our Grants and Development Manager!

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WORKING WHEELS SEEKS A FULL-TIME PROGRAM DIRECTOR Working Wheels seeks a Program Director - full time, in person $53,000-58,000/year + benefits; Please submit cover letter and resume to info@workingwheelswnc. org . No phone inquiries, please.

PROFESSIONAL/ MANAGEMENT WE'RE HIRING FOR A SENIOR DIRECTOR UNITED FOR YOUTH ROLE ON OUR TEAM! If you believe that ALL children and youth should learn, grow, and thrive in a vibrant, healthy, and connected community then United Way of Asheville and Buncombe County (UWABC) is where you need to be. The Senior Director United for Youth will lead our efforts to mobilize and support a robust network of people,

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partners, and resources in service to our community’s bold community goal that by 2035, ALL Asheville City and Buncombe County students graduate from high school ready and fully prepared to pursue their goals and dreams. To learn more and apply: https:// www.unitedwayabc.org/ employment-opportunities.

ANNOUNCEMENTS ANNOUNCEMENTS $10K+ IN DEBT? BE DEBT FREE IN 24-48 MONTHS! Be debt free in 24-48 months. Pay nothing to enroll. Call National Debt Relief at 844-977-3935.

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A VISIT FROM THE REAL SAINT NICHOLAS Saint Nick will deliver your Christmas tree - or whatever. $40 (close to town). Hot chocolate at Saint Nick's Leicester headquarters $60. Money will go toward wildlife rehabilitation. 828380-6095.

ATTENTION HOMEOWNERS If you have water damage to your home and need cleanup services, call us! We'll get in and work with your insurance agency to get your home repaired and your life back to normal ASAP! Call 833664-1530. (AAN CAN)

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SECURE YOUR HOME WITH VIVINT SMART HOME TECHNOLOGY Call 855-621-5855 to learn how you can get a professionally installed security system with $0 activation. (AAN CAN) TOP CA$H PAID FOR OLD GUITARS! 1920-1980 Gibson, Martin, Fender, Gretsch, Epiphone, Guild, Mosrite, Rickenbacker, Prairie State, D'Angelico, Stromberg. And Gibson Mandolins / Banjos. 877589-0747. (AAN CAN) UNCLAIMED / RECEIVED FIREARMS The following is a list of Unclaimed / Received firearms currently in possession of the Asheville Police Department.

REMINGTON, 552, 22; STEVENS, 940-E, 20GA; WHT/ BLK, RTS, REVOLVER; WHT/ BLK, COLT, REVOLVER, 22; BLK, SAVAGE, STEVENS 62, 22; BLK, S&W, 9MM, 9MM; SIL/BRN, TAURUS, 357 MAGNUM, 357; SIL/ BLK, CHARTER ARMS, 2000, 44; BRN/BLK,

MARLIN, 336, 35; BRN/ BLK, WINCHESTER, 94AE, 44; BRN/BLK, ARMINIUS, HW7, 22; BLK, GSG, 522, 22; BRN/BLK, REMINGTON, 510, 22; GRN/BLK, SIG SAUER, 522, 22; SIL/YEL, RAVEN ARMS, MP-25, 25; BLK, S&W, 9MM; MOSIN, M44, 7.62; MARLIN, 60W, 22; BLK, FEDARM, FRX, 12GA; SAVAGE, STEVANS, 12GA; BRN/BLK, MOD RB, 14, 22; CHARTER ARMS, UNDERCOVER, 38; SIL/ BLK, KAHR ARMS, CW45, 45; ROSSI, M68, 38; MOSSBERG, SHOTGUN; BLK, CITADEL, SHOTGUN, 12GA; SIL/BLK, ROSSI, S.A., 12GA; BRN/BLK, RG, RG23, 22; CHR/BRN, F.I.E., F15, 22; BLK/TAN, OMEGA, 100, 22; BLK, COBRA, FS380, 38; BLK, MOSSBERG, 500, 12GA; SIL/BLK, TAURUS, REVOLVER, 38; BLK, S&W, M&P, 357; BLK, MOSSBERG, 22; BLK, ZORAKI, P.A.K., 9MM. Anyone with a legitimate claim or interest in this property must contact the Asheville Police Department within 30 days from the date of this publication. Any items not claimed within 30 days will be disposed of in accordance with all applicable laws. For further information, or to file a claim, contact the Asheville Police Department Property & Evidence Section at 828-232-4576 .

edited by Will Shortz | No. 1129 CLASSES & WORKSHOPS CLASSES & WORKSHOPS LOVE TO SING! LEARN A CAPPELLA SINGING FOR FEMALE VOICES WITH A LOCAL CHORUS Song O’ Sky Chorus rehearses Tuesday Nights - 7:00 p.m. St. John's Episcopal Church. Come share a love for singing A Cappella barbershop-style harmony and in a culture of belonging.

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2024

Wellness Issues

Publish Jan. 31 & Feb. 7

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ACROSS 1 Places for light bites 6 Grand ___ (French wine designation) 9 Tosses up, as an easy question 13 Make into legislation 14 Talking point?

15 Gumbo green 16 Thinking A or B … hmm …

18 Art Spiegelman’s Pulitzer-winning graphic novel 19 Awakens 20 Bottomless chasm 21 Have tired muscles 23 Thinking A … no, B … no, A 25 Toot one’s horn 27 ___ Lingus 28 Alternative to an Airbnb 29 “It’s going to have to wait” 34 Adroit 38 Modern term for the psychological exhaustion showcased in this puzzle’s theme 41 Raisins, sometimes, for a snowman 42 Iconic logo in athletic apparel 43 Peruvian singer Sumac 44 “Targeted” things on the internet 46 In accordance with 48 Thinking A … but also thinking B? Gah! 55 Very small, informally 56 Window blind elements 57 Super conductors?

59 “___ only” (store sign) 60 Thinking A …

B … maybe even C? 63 Carpet measurement 64 Traditional Hanukkah gift 65 Pique

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66 Musical symbol for silence 67 A man of ___ word 68 Matter of debate

22 ___ Island (which is actually a peninsula) 24 Rolling Stones album “Get Yer ___ Out!” 26 “Indeed!,” quaintly 30 Bette Midler’s “Divine” nickname 31 What might help wrap up a gift … or a performance 32 Spanish number 33 Airport served by BART, for short 35 Ancient readers of the Book of the Dead 36 Running on ___ 37 A little emotional, say 39 “Hey, caught ya!”

DOWN 1 Corporate V.I.P. 2 Author Patchett 3 “Like that’s ever gonna happen!”

4 REPEATS, repeats, repeats …

5 Acronym whose “E” stands for “engineering” 6 Tilts 7 Big name in printers and copiers 8 Get value from 9 Hall-of-Fame coach who purportedly said “Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit” 10 Approves 11 Paleontologist’s tool 12 Impudent 14 Arnaz who loved Lucy 17 “Select” or “chosen” quantity 20 What visitors to Niagara Falls are often in 21 Tolerate

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40 Hip-hop article 45 Twice 32-Down 47 In myth they allure, but on the street they alert 48 “Titanic” award 49 Emergency signal 50 Zaps, in a way 51 National Gallery of Art architect 52 Spots for polish 53 Bad impression?

54 Fast, bygone jet, for short 58 Language spoken along the Mekong 60 “Eww!” 61 Letters for debtors 62 Bread for a patty melt

ANSWER TO PREVIOUS NY TIMES PUZZLE

R E D G R O V E F E D O R A T E D A N O O D E S T A Y I N G P U T Z D A M S O S O O N S T E E L I E S E T T O A N T I G E N Z Y I P S S E L F S E E D A R D E N T P A L E D E F B OW S P R I T Z A R P R I T E D A I S E S L I E D T U R K C A M E A T L A S S A N T A F E Z R A I N H A T Y A MM E R M O C K I N G J A Y Z B I Z S T E A K S E T E E R A H E L M S T I E D A N

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JAN. 3-9, 2024

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