WHEN I GET LONESOME / Nadia Niva

WHEN I GET LONESOME

Nadia Niva

MY HEAD IS TWIRLING INTO THAT LITTLE PIT INSIDE ITSELF AGAIN. SITTING IN THE PRE-RAIN HEAVY AIR, HARSH BREEZE. ALL THESE THINGS BUMBLING IN THE BRAINWAVES, COCHLEAR HALLWAYS AND VENTILATION SYSTEMS OF THE MIND. IT IS EXHAUSTING TO SIT AFTER SO MANY HOURS SPENT THINKING ABOUT DEAD AND LIVING PEOPLE WHO I CARE FOR ALL IN DIFFERENT WAYS. WHO MEAN A DIFFERENT THING TO ME.

I FEEL LIKE AN UNDERWATER ANIMAL NESTLED IN SOME CURRENT. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN I GET LONESOME? WANDER BACK TO LAND? WHERE I GREW UP THERE ARE ROWS OF IDENTICAL HOUSES, SO FROM AN AERIAL VIEW YOU GET THE SENSE OF HOVERING ABOVE A BOARD GAME. I CAN ONLY REMEMBER THE FEELING OF THE ROOMS I SLEPT IN. WARM, WITH PUDDLES OF LIGHT FORMING IN THE CORNERS. I AM NOT LONELY BUT I FEEL AQUATIC AND PRESSED UP TO THE GLASS OF LIFE.

A DOOR OPENS ONTO THE ROOM OVERFLOWING WITH LIGHT. A CIRCUS OF DUST MITES COLLECT IN ROWS ON THE FLOOR, PRESSING THEIR SHADOWS INTO THE CEILING. THEIR TWISTING ARMS CROWN IN MIST ABOVE MY SEVEN TEMPLES.

I REMEMBER ALL MY DREAMS NOW. THEY COME AND GO BETWEEN MY EARS LIKE FLIES. A FAMILY OF DEER HANGS LIKE A FEATHER BETWEEN THEM, BODIES STRETCHING INTO THE DARK. I SLEEP NEXT TO THE OPEN DOOR, UNDERNEATH THE RED LIGHT, DREAMING ABOUT UNDERWATER ANIMALS FLASHING BETWEEN FORMS, HERALDING THE NEXT DIMENSION, SPLITTING THE ROOM WITH SOUND. I MEDDLE IN THE FISSURES. I HOLD MY FINGERS TO THE SKY.