Which Horror Movie Trope... / Morgan Sammut

Which Horror Movie Trope Are You?

Morgan Sammut

Content Notes: themes of violence and suicide

Take this quiz to find out which character you’re most like! (If this is your personal copy of the Review, feel free to fill it out in pencil! If this is a public copy or someone else’s, please fill it out in pen. Make your mark. Let them know who you are.)

On any old Friday night, you are most likely:

(a) At home with a book.

(b) Doing improv with your friends.

(c) Sleeping with your new beau of the week.

(d) On your way to a party after working out.

(e) At a friend’s house, watching a movie.

You and all of your friends decide to go to a cabin in the woods! Why did you decide to go?

(a) Your friends all said it would be a nice, quiet weekend together.

(b) You don’t have any other plans, and this sounds more fun than staying home.

(c) You were the one who suggested it.

(d) You love doing water sports and making fires and all that stuff.

(e) Your friends were going, so why wouldn’t you go with them?

You’ve all come back to the house after a fun day out outside. After everyone has gotten ready for bed, you’re all sitting together when you hear a loud noise in the other room. What do you do?

(a) Explain to everyone that it’s an old cabin and they make these noises, or maybe a chipmunk got into the house.

(b) Crack a joke. You’re scared, but you don’t want your friends to know.

(c) Try and keep everyone calm. It’s probably nothing, and besides, freaking out isn’t going to help.

(d) Go investigate. You want to make sure the rest of your friends aren’t scared, so you’ll go and make sure everything is okay for them.

(e) Grab onto one of your friend’s arms.

The lights go out. What do you do?

(a) Grab your phone.

(b) Scream.

(c) Nothing. You are in shock.

(d) Ask if everyone is okay.

(e) Listen for more noise.

You can definitely hear someone now. They are in the house. And then, someone comes into the room with an axe. They swing at one of your friends. You all scatter. So, in true horror movie style, you’ll need a weapon to fight off the killer chasing you. What weapon do you grab?

(a) A broken glass bottle.

(b) A frying pan.

(c) The poker from the fireplace.

(d) A baseball bat.

(e) The long kitchen knife.

You’re in the kitchen and find a drawer full of miscellaneous items. What do you pick?

(a) The phone charger. You’re practical, and come on, isn’t one of the biggest issues in modern horror movies that their phone battery is dead?

(b) All the miscellaneous little things you can find, pens, pencils, erasers, anything you can throw in the killer’s face.

(c) The flashlight. You’ll need to see where you’re going, and it’s already dark enough in here. Also, it’s heavy.

(d) The utility knife. The blade is too small for it to be much of a weapon, but it might come in handy.

(e) The lighter.

You hear a noise outside the kitchen door and run outside. When you get outside, you hear one of your friends scream.

( ) There is no choice here. Your friend is dead.

Where do you run?

(a) Back into the cabin. You know the layout, and whoever is chasing you wouldn’t think you’d go back into the cabin, right? You could go back to the kitchen and get more supplies, couldn’t you?

(b) You hide. It doesn’t matter where, but maybe you can wait them out. They could pass over you, convinced you’re out there running from them, and then maybe they’ll leave. You’ve gotten out of everything in your life by hiding yourself away, why wouldn’t it work now?

(c) To the car sitting outside the house. You need to get out of here, and you know the killer has probably already cut the gas or whatever, but you’ll risk it.

(d) Into the forest. It’s dangerous, you know, but at least this way you’re not wandering around that dark base of a house. You could face them out in the open, and without any of their tricks, you think you could take them in a fight.

(e) You don’t. This is the end. You’re done. You are going to kill this sick bastard.

If you got mostly As, you’re… THE KNOW-IT-ALL You’ve seen this happen before, you’ve read so many books where this exact thing happened, and yet, you’re still hopeless to stop it here. If you have all the answers, why didn’t that help you? You can read all the books you want, and yet, you’ll never really be prepared for what’s coming. You keep your head in those books, champ, keep it down so you don’t have to watch the knife come down and end you. Let the books witness your death rather than witness it yourself. Let them have your answers.

If you got mostly Bs, you’re… THE FUNNY GUY Keep telling jokes, maybe they’ll keep you around then. You’re useless in this situation. You’re not particularly strong or smart, but you are witty. If you can laugh it all off, it’s all just one big joke that you’re in on, huh? No one can really hurt you if you hurt yourself first. But, besides your quippy one-liners, what else do you have to offer them? Nothing, and that keeps you up at night. Or, it used to, before you were killed, because after all, no one cares what happens to you.

If you got mostly Cs, you’re… THE WHORE You’re sexy! You’re fun! Tell me, have you managed to fill the hole inside yourself yet? That’s the reason you’re doing all this, right? That’s the reason The Whore is always fucking all of these people—or you’re failing morally. So, which is it? Are you empty or are you missing a sense of morality? Actually, don’t bother answering, it doesn’t really matter either way. Obviously, you have to die. We can’t have our children thinking they can fuck around and still live. That kind of freedom is granted only to those who are doomed.

If you got mostly Ds, you’re… THE JOCK Has the exercise made the pain stop? How long does it stop it for? It’s never long enough. And it didn’t even help you or save your friends this time. That’s supposed to be the whole point of all of this. You’re strong and you can protect them, but you failed at that. Guess you can’t just brute force your way through all your problems. But it’s okay, just do five more pushups and you’ll forget, and five more and five more until you can’t remember anything else. You’ll never stop, but by all means, try.

If you got mostly Es, you’re… THE FINAL GIRL How does it feel to be the last one alive? Do you feel accomplished (is it like winning)? Everyone else is dead, and now you need to figure out how to live on without them. More importantly, you have to live on knowing that their lives were cut short. How do you honor them? Or, perhaps, do you feel vindicated? You’ve repressed yourself for so long and this is your reward. For being the smartest, or the most innocent, or whatever reason they offer, in some attempt to invoke morality, because it isn’t enough that tragedies just happen, there has to be a reason that you in particular are alive, right? It doesn’t make sense if there isn’t a reason, and this is a story isn’t it? Well, there is no lesson for you this time. Figure out your own reason for living. Hold that knife tighter to your chest, dear girl, see if it will whisper a new answer to you.