WANDERLAST

If I weren’t a historian I would be a historian. Actually, the whole life is a city. There is a central avenue you are walking along, with a line of houses on both sides, constantly changing; the scenery is colorful, you see too many faces and bright images. Then you turn into a small street and, surprised by the Baroque style of buildings, you might think: “No, not mine, too pretentious.” So you go further to face some simple and strict constructivism. “Spacious but too austere” You can turn and wander for a long time on the tangled web of the city but finally, you find your street. I hope now I am moving along it. Doing science is not just reading a lot, thinking critically, or exploring. That also means integration in an endless stream of events, relationships, the readiness to face certain systemic crises and your promise never to give up. I feel good when I’m out in nature, when I achieve goals, and when someone hugs me. The first one is easy to arrange. The other two are more complicated. Our high standards come from the constant race and challenges of everyday life. That is why the Western market is full of books about time management, motivation, selfcontrol, there are hundreds of coaches ready to help you to activate your “skills” and become “successful”. In Russia, this trend is also getting more and more supporters. I do not support the hype around competition because I want to learn to be happy at the moment. How do I achieve it? I don’t know yet. Perhaps there is a book about it already) As for hugs, their benefits cannot be overestimated. After all, if you have someone to hug, you are a lucky person. Stability vs wanderlust? An eternal issue for me. I’m hungry for stability, but I can accept it only for a couple of days to take a break. If you are a born cosmopolitan, it won’t change. It involves endless search. Sometimes I remind myself of a hero of “The Dharma Bums” by Kerouac, but seriously, I would never choose such a way for myself. Academic mobility is one of the perks of being a scientist. You can go to another country or university abroad, or sit in a beautiful library and do some inspiring research. This is what I want to hold on to. I like London. This is not even a city, but a large multinational party following you everywhere. Where you hear 5 different languages spoken at one time. Where there is no national identity. Where nobody cares about what country you came from. Where there is no sense of boundaries and “your own”. At such moments you can really feel that the whole world is your home. In Russia, though, any foreigner is a foreigner, even in Moscow. We are protecting our personal boundaries and are very distrustful of anything new.

I am not saying that it is good or bad. The West has its nuances. For example, the notorious idea of emotional capitalism suggests alienation and commercialization of feelings. I’m not sure I’m ready to put up with this completely. Therefore, I am always in search of my place and my people. Woman in science? Hard, but possible. In science, your competence is constantly being questioned. This is part of a tacit agreement, especially in Russia. The gender issue is latent in our country. We do not speak of it. In the last year alone, there was the first serious public outcry connected with domestic violence (the case of the Khachaturian sisters), not to speak of less outrageous cases. Therefore, recently, I have come to the conclusion that any person should be a lawyer for oneself. If you do not defend yourself, who will do it for you?

Therefore, “this is a man’s world”, but “girls run the world”. Perhaps I would not be a historian now if not for the movie “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” I saw in childhood. Once and for all I became infected with the idea of a strong, absolutely self-sufficient woman who is a great specialist in her field, too. Acrobatic physical training, the ability to shoot from all types of weapons and your own castle are also cool and partly achievable. But, at least in climbing, I’m fairly close to the level of Lara Croft. Everybody has such flashbacks from childhood, guiding and accompanying them unconsciously throughout life. If you lose such a guide, you need to find a new one. Mandatory. This is so inspiring. P.S. The heroine of the film is an archaeologist. Coincidence? Don’t think so