Nov. 11, 2020 Campus Voices | Media | Satire | Elections | Campus Police | COVID Testing | Spring Break
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Squeakers Bite’em declared president of MSU Texas animals president, you could never get away from politics. Every day it was, ‘Hey look what Grump just posted on Honker [a popular animal social media site].’ I’m looking forward to forgetting completely about politics for the next four years,” Long-Legs said. Despite no evidence of foul play, Grump has decided to sue every individual animal who voted against him on the basis of fraud. When we tried to coax a further explanation out of the incumbent president, he honked in our reporter’s face and bit their finger before running off. We had to reach out to Vice President Mark Finch, for a statement from the Goose Party on Grump’s accusation. “Well, I think what Grump was trying to say was...I mean GRAPHIC BY OMAR COMBIE | THE WICHITAN what he was going to get around Squeakers Bite’em, Squirrel Party leader, wins the MSU Texas animal election with 283 to saying was...okay, fine, we have no idea what he’s blabelectoral leaves. bing’ about,” Finch said. “I guess counting votes is apparently unfter nearly a week of counting, losing, administration. and then recounting votes, longtime “I truly believe that if we stand together, democratic now.” Squirrel Party member Squeakers not as squirrels or geese, but as animals that Amid the celebration of Bite’em’s vicBite’em has been declared President of the we can overcome this pandemic and get tory, there was also sadness at the passing Animals at MSU Texas. The announcement back to stealing food from the humans how- of William B. Gills, a candidate representing the Piscatory Party, who passed away after was broadcast on both the squirrel-leaning ever and whenever we want,” Bite’em said. Bite’em beat out incumbent president choking on a disposable mask. A large mass network Crazy-about Nuts News (C.N.N.) and the goose-leaning Fox News, which is Flippers Grump of the controversial Goose wake was thrown at the bottom of Sikes run by actual foxes who live in the shrubs Party. Many political experts attribute Lake. According to anonymous sources, Grump’s loss to his controversial comments some of the more violent members of the surrounding Sikes Lake. In his first address since winning the on ducks, which lost him a large portion of fish community are plotting their revenge the always-important fowl vote. on the two-legged beings on land. presidency, Bite’em preached unity in a fau“What are ducks anyway? They’re just “Humans don’t want to take global na community that has grown increasingly birds that weren’t good enough to be geese. warming and littering seriously? That’s divisive, in part, due to the brashness and Their necks? Way too short. Goosenecks are fine. We’ll see how they feel after getting human-biting policies of the current animal much, much longer,” their hands bit every time they reach into Grump was overheard the lake,” an anonymous member of the saying at a goose gala. Fish-Against-Humans activist group said. Most political exDuck Anarchist Quack McFlippers, who perts apparently agree was last seen eating the moderator at his dethat most animals who voted for Bite’em did so, bate weeks ago, is still on the run and may hoping they wouldn’t have fled to Oregon, in part to celebrate have to hear about poli- their recent legalization of hard drugs. The tics for the next four MSU animals hope that chaos, such as that years. We spoke with a caused by McFlippers, will lessen with the young cricket stuck in- election of President-Elect Bite’em. “Honestly, all I want is some peace and side the doors at Fain quiet for once. I just want to be able to go Hall by the name of Jimini Long-legs, who about my day, disrupting and inconveniencPHOTO COURTESY OF PHIL BEARCE | PEXELS.COM agreed with this senti- ing as many humans I can, in peace,” CharSqueakers Bite’em, animal president elect, and his wife ment. lotte S. Webb, spider and concerned citizen, having a celebratory meal. “With Grump as said.
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COMIC BY DALLAS WABBINGTON
