ELECTIONS

Squeakers Bite’em declared president of MSU Texas animals

president, you could never get away from politics. Every day it was, ‘Hey look what Grump just posted on Honker [a popular animal social media site].’ I’m looking forward to forgetting completely about politics for the next four years,” Long-Legs said. Despite no evidence of foul play, Grump has decided to sue every individual animal who voted against him on the basis of fraud. When we tried to coax a further explanation out of the incumbent president, he honked in our reporter’s face and bit their finger before running off. We had to reach out to Vice President Mark Finch, for a statement from the Goose Party on Grump’s accusation. “Well, I think what Grump was trying to say was...I mean GRAPHIC BY OMAR COMBIE | THE WICHITAN what he was going to get around Squeakers Bite’em, Squirrel Party leader, wins the MSU Texas animal election with 283 to saying was...okay, fine, we electoral leaves. have no idea what he’s blabbing’ about,” Finch said. “I guess

After nearly a week of counting, losing, administration. counting votes is apparently unand then recounting votes, longtime “I truly believe that if we stand together, democratic now.” Squirrel Party member Squeakers not as squirrels or geese, but as animals that Amid the celebration of Bite’em’s vicBite’em has been declared President of the we can overcome this pandemic and get tory, there was also sadness at the passing Animals at MSU Texas. The announcement back to stealing food from the humans how- of William B. Gills, a candidate representing was broadcast on both the squirrel-leaning ever and whenever we want,” Bite’em said. the Piscatory Party, who passed away after network Crazy-about Nuts News (C.N.N.) Bite’em beat out incumbent president choking on a disposable mask. A large mass and the goose-leaning Fox News, which is Flippers Grump of the controversial Goose wake was thrown at the bottom of Sikes run by actual foxes who live in the shrubs Party. Many political experts attribute Lake. According to anonymous sources, surrounding Sikes Lake. Grump’s loss to his controversial comments some of the more violent members of the In his first address since winning the presidency, Bite’em preached unity in a fauna community that has grown increasingly divisive, in part, due to the brashness and human-biting policies of the current animal on ducks, which lost him a large portion of the always-important fowl vote. “What are ducks anyway? They’re just birds that weren’t good enough to be geese. Their necks? Way too short. Goosenecks are much, much longer,” Grump was overheard saying at a goose gala. Most political experts apparently agree that most animals who voted for Bite’em did so, fish community are plotting their revenge on the two-legged beings on land. “Humans don’t want to take global warming and littering seriously? That’s fine. We’ll see how they feel after getting their hands bit every time they reach into the lake,” an anonymous member of the Fish-Against-Humans activist group said. Duck Anarchist Quack McFlippers, who was last seen eating the moderator at his debate weeks ago, is still on the run and may hoping they wouldn’t have fled to Oregon, in part to celebrate have to hear about poli- their recent legalization of hard drugs. The tics for the next four MSU animals hope that chaos, such as that years. We spoke with a caused by McFlippers, will lessen with the young cricket stuck in- election of President-Elect Bite’em. side the doors at Fain “Honestly, all I want is some peace and Hall by the name of quiet for once. I just want to be able to go PHOTO COURTESY OF PHIL BEARCE | PEXELS.COM Squeakers Bite’em, animal president elect, and his wife Jimini Long-legs, who agreed with this sentiment. about my day, disrupting and inconveniencing as many humans I can, in peace,” Charlotte S. Webb, spider and concerned citizen, having a celebratory meal. “With Grump as said.

STUDENT REACTIONS TO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS

WICHITAN STAFF After a weeklong process of projections following Election Day, most major media have now projected Joe Biden will be elected President of the United States of America. We asked Mustangs on campus to tell us their thoughts on the outcome and the futue Biden presidency.

NESHA JONES, POLITICAL SCIENCE SENIOR

“I was surprised a little, I kind of thought Trump was gonna win because a lot of people like him but a lot of people don’t at the same time. Then a lot of people like Biden too, so it was just a matter of chance. I didn’t know who was gonna win. I would hope he does better as far as immigration, the detention camps, policies, foreign policy, stimulus packets, support[s] people who have unemployment, student loan forgiveness, things like that. And not get on Twitter like how Trump is doing with Twitter you know just keep going back and forth that was just unprofessional and unethical. I hope Biden just sets an example for future presidents. I hope he does a lot better than what we’ve been getting so far.”

TRISTAN WEST, ACCELERATED NURSE SENIOR

“I’m a bit indifferent, I don’t believe in a lot of the things that he is proposing and wanting to occur. I don’t necessarily have anything negative to say, but it’s hard to see someone come in who been in politics for so long who hasn’t changed anything and now all of the sudden wants to change everything. I’m hoping that he makes a smart decision, but I don’t think he understands that the United States is a business, an essential. A lot of people want the president to be their dad and that’s not [what] the president’s role is. I’m hoping that in a sense he understands that things don’t need to be handed out to people, people need to work for what they want, and ultimately that’s what America is built on. So hopefully we don’t see just many people who really want and expect all these handouts like he’s proposing, because that money has to come from somewhere, and I don’t think a lot of people understand that.”

ALEXIS MILLS, EDUCATION SENIOR

“I feel like the country will be more unified. A big thing in my life is education. I have a passion for it. I advocate for it, and I really want Joe Biden to deliver on the campaign promises that he made for education and also for Kamala Harris to deliver on her closing the teacher pay gap of $13,500. I want to see education fully funded. I’m tired of collecting box tops for school supplies. I think if hospitals are full of supplies, and they have supply closets, and they are fully funded, why is education not? So I really hope that he does deliver on his promises of fully funding education and having a universal pre-k as well.”

COREY TOMISON, ENGLISH JUNIOR

“I was pleased with it, I did vote for Biden so I was overall pleased with the outcome. I’m hoping that this could be the sign for good things to come. I’m hoping that we also come together like he said in his victory speech that we can all unite together. So overall I was pretty pleased with the outcome. I’m hopeful, I’m very hopeful that with a new president coming in that maybe with the pandemic things can be on the up and up because yesterday we did get an announcement that we have a vaccine on the way that’s at least 90% effective. I’m hoping that with a new president that we can, maybe hopefully, come to an end with the pandemic and maybe with other things we can see a sign of hope.”

DAISY CANADA, BIOLOGY SOPHOMORE

“As a woman who didn’t vote, I was torn between both Biden and Trump. My family were all for Trump and almost all of my close friends were voting for Biden. This caused me to really just be confused and not want to vote at all because I did not want to make anyone upset. I also really did not care who won to begin with. I feel fine about Biden’s win, you know what happens, happens, I really couldn’t care less. The next four years, I do feel there will be a ton of conflict between our states and people themselves. There was already a ton of this during the election, and I don’t see the hate between ‘Trumpies’ and ‘Bidenies’ ending anytime soon. But then there’s the ones like me who really just couldn’t give a damn. The next four years, we’ll just roll with the punches. If it goes well with Biden then great, and if it doesn’t maybe Texas can just secede.”

ASHLEIGH JARATINA, RADIOLOGY SOPHOMORE

“I am really happy with the outcome of the election. I really wanted Biden to win. As an international student, I feel happiness and relief, and some sort of security because now I know confidently that I get to do my OPT confident after graduating. And the link between the U.S. and my country [Zimbabwe], I know like certain limitations that were imposed by the Republicans, there’s a chance that they maybe lifted. That kind of makes everything easier for me here as an international student.”