KNEW THE MOON

NewBeginnings World ' s End AT THE

I play with a baby on a plane, or I see a mother exchange a glance with their toddler, or I find tiny ballet slippers at the thrift store, and I feel a deep sting being reminded of what could’ve been.

My intent isn’t to write about this as if it’s the wrong decision for a young woman to make, or that there’s something wrong with women making this decision with haste. Nor is it to recount this as a decision made with complete confidence, when it really came from a place of fear, if anything. Up until now, I assumed that writing about it would have to come from a place of assertion and satisfaction in my decision. That I was to blame because of my impulsive and fiery personality, and deserved the harrowing shame that came with making this decision. Even with undisputed scientific evidence on my side, I still grapple with the shame society has convinced me I should feel. More importantly, I understand that this choice was a luxury that women across the world are deprived of. A luxury that women have burned bridges for, crossed borders for, lost their lives for.

Much of the discourse I read surrounding abortion is exclusively presented in either a pious or medical tone that I feel overshadows the procedure for what it truly is: loss. I want to bridge the gap between science and faith ever-so slightly by admitting that I grieve for something that was never really there. Grief can coexist with assertion for my decision. I have yet to read anything that portrays this struggle between my thoughts being consumed by waves of grief, and barely making it to the surface before my thoughts are overtaken by another wave of guilt. But the only thing worse than hiding from my grief to appease a movement bigger than me is watching it be manipulated into an argument that only serves pro-life death-mongers. I simply can’t stand the narrative that I’ve seen both sides put forward: that it doesn’t stay with you.

I’ve discovered that trauma is a battle you aren’t meant to conquer, because I’d have damned myself if I did, or if I didn’t. I once read that the moment you fully accept your non-peace, your non-peace is transmuted into peace. So, I guess for now, I’ve accepted that I’ll never find peace in my decision. And I hope that your non-peace, be it regret or satisfaction, will someday be transmuted into peace too.

By Anonymous