25_may_2009_SelfImage

Self­Image May 2009 Verdadera is a publication created by and for Monta Vista teens for the purpose of instigating communication concerning the 'real world' of high school within the community. Each month, an issue on a topic relevant to the lives of our students is sent home for reading by parents and students alike. We encourage you to discuss and explore the issues and stories, as the publication aims not only to offer an outlet for expression but to improve our lives. Keep in mind that the emotions that flow through the text and the feelings behind the words could be those of your child, your classmate, or your best friend. While we do not edit submissions, we aim to publish personal experiences, not opinion articles. Please utilize all the resources present in the publication and feel free to email comments and feedback.

The Verdadera staff thanks you for your interest and support.

This issue includes stories about self­image and the struggles students face when dealing with self­image.

Student Submissions Often times I look back at my life and realize what little perception I had of myself. At the place I grew up, the system worked this way: they tell you what to do, and you do it. They tell you to memorize the book for dicta­ tion, and you do it. They tell you to be nice to everybody, and you have to do it.

What happens when you don’t? Well, you get screwed over. One time I was waiting for my friend dur­ ing brunch. Her teacher often excused the class late into brunch, and I, being bored as I was, complained a little about the teacher. All I said was that it’s annoying how she held the students up. The next thing I knew, I was summoned in the middle of my class by that teacher and got a whole lecture about it. I think if I hadn’t apologized to her so many times and continued to rebel her, she would’ve contacted my parents and made a big deal out of one simple comment. That was the last time I tried to rebel the “authorities” until a long time later.

To American kids, this may seem ridiculous. They’d say, “What happens to the Freedom of Speech?” Well, the thing is, Freedom of Speech never really was in my dic­ tionary until I moved to the U.S. That’s why I never had a perception of myself. I was a robot, doing routinely what everyone else told me to do. I did not think, I did not con­ template, I did not reason. The closest thing I ever got to a self­image was the pride I held when everyone compli­ mented on my grades (yes—grades, ain’t that miserable?)

And this pride came into conflict with itself when my mind finally began to emerge into this world. I was so proud that I almost thought everyone else was below me (how naïve of me). And then my parents began to slam the words “There will always be someone smarter than you are” into my face. And their words were proven by reality. Through the painful ways I’ve learned that there are many more aspects to a person than just the smarts or grades. And by learning that, I was forced to see people in

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a different way. But in order to do that, I must first see myself in a new way.

Going to school in America, especially to Monta Vista, has chiseled my process of gaining self­conscious­ ness. Here I am no longer told what to do. I must think clearly about each step that I take, because no one will be there when I fall. I am responsible for my future. I cannot expect the answer to be given to me just like it always had been. I must think.

The system here is obviously different as well: there is no dictation. Memorization won’t do you any good. If you don’t know how to interpret a Ferris wheel trigonom­ etry problem, or don’t understand the significance of Dr. T. J. Eckleburg’s eyes, you won’t do well on a test or quiz. The system I grew up in was meant to force feed the students with information, whereas in Monta Vista stu­ dents are prompted to muse about the answer to things, because there isn’t just one definite answer.

That is the same way the world works. Aside from ba­ sic laws like one plus one equals two, there are many ends and possibilities. Life works out in more than one way, and I cannot judge others with my own way or try to impose it on them. I must see myself separately from the others in order to understand them better and connect with the world better. Sometimes it is difficult and painful to do this, but man, am I glad to say—I’m self­conscious!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ When I was first asked about self­image I honestly didn’t know what it meant, but I think I figured out some kind of definition. It’s just when the way you look shows how you are and want to be perceived. When I was younger my mom always dressed me in such frilly things with like HELLA tight braids on and everything pink, I basically looked like a mini Barbie. And as I got older my body changed and so did my style. I started wearing real­ ly dark colors and, basically like a boy. And I noticed that people were treating me like a boy and I was just like wtf… girl standing here. No one paid any attention to me because they were too busy looking at my little prissy princess friends. So I figured if I dressed like them, I would get that attention. But the problem was that their clothes made me so self concious and I was like… what do I do? And my whole self esteem just died and there were times I hated being friends with these people. Soon I was being ignored and picked on because I was basically

telling the world “this is me, a self conscious freak who can’t be pretty enough to have friends”. So I was warding off people and I wasn’t able to be social. By the time I en­ tered high school, nothing improved I mean its high school. This is the place where your insecurities become your downfall, but luckily high school is also where you learn some pretty good life lessons. For me, I learned that people are creatures that are really interested and attracted to shiny things. Now shiny can be anything; looks, per­ sonality, clothing, posture, etc. I happened to get a bit dim because I let it get that way. I needed to be shiny and let these people know that I’m very fun and funny, a great listener and a loyal friend. So what I did was, I changed my clothes to show that I am a girl and like to do girlies things but I also changed my persona. I always smiled and never excluded anyone from a conversation so that they would know that I am very welcoming and don’t turn down anyone.

I’m not quite sure if I got the whole idea of self im­ age but I tried. Now there are still times when things hap­ pen and it causes a kink and destroys your shine. But that shiny is always there and that little bit of dimness can al­ ways be taken out with a little polish. I learned that my image impacts my life and that it’s important in all parts of life. So if something’s wrong then might as well fix it now rather then seeing how much of life you’re missing.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.” ~Les Brown

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ Let me start off by talking about a friend: she cares WAY too much about how she looks: everytime she comes to my house, she spends the whole time looking at herself in the mirror, trying on my makeup, and taking pictures of herself. I really can’t stand her ignorance and selfishness sometimes. Whenever I talk to her, she talks about the same things over and over again. Here is a sam­ pling of our conversation: “Oh my god, it took me three hours to put on these jeans, and I totally broke my finger trying to pull the zipper up. And then when I put them on, I realized they were too bootylicious and see through. I mean, that’s fine, but I’m not wearing my pink thong, so it took me another three hours to take them off”.

And so on and so forth.

But the thing is, I used to admire her confidence: she turns heads when she walks, she can talk to anyone, and when she goes out, she has a damn fun time, and that’s all that really matters to her.

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I love being with her because she is so many things that I’m not. She always lives in the present, instead of al­ ways thinking about the future and careers and college, like so many of my other studious MV friends do.

Having such an extreme friend as her has taught me a lot of things, especially about self­image. I realized that self­image will determine the person I become. She thinks she is a confident person, therefore, IS a confident person.

When I change my self­image, I change my personality and behavior. I’ve learned to love my weaknesses and strengths just as she does: she accepts her ditzinness, but doesn’t let it bother her. And just like her, I’m learning to not let my weaknesses affect my self­image negatively, and to learn to believe in myself, and not take myself too seriously.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your own soul’s doing.” ~Marie Stopes

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ I don’t really think about how other people think of me: I just try to be the best version of myself I can be.

When I was younger, whenever I looked in the mirror, I always saw a really good, clean girl: no make­up, no low­cut shirts and tight, bootylicious jeans, and no dyed­ hair. I used to despise looking so goody two­shoes be­ cause I wanted to stand out, be the center of attention.

Now I realize that when I do something to make my­ self look better, I shouldn’t do it for other people, but for myself. I should only change my appearance if that’ll make me feel more confident or better about myself, not for anyone else.

One thing I have also learned is to not take myself so seriously­ when people make fun of me or tease me, I just try to laugh it off and joke about it, and not spend forever moping around and having a self­pity party. I’ve learned to just have fun­ I only have so long to live!!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “I think it’s one of the scars in our culture that we have too high an opinion of ourselves. We align ourselves with the angels instead of higher primates.” ~Angela Carter

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

For seventy five percent of the time I know that I am

not fat. I know I may even be a little bit skinny. But in the other twenty five, I don't like my stomach. In fact, I hate it. I hate the way it folds over itself when I bend over, like rolls of fat which don't belong. People tell me its just skin. Its natural. If you didn't have it you would be stiff and rigid.

I need to feel right. I need to feel healthy. That means I need to be working on it. Doing sit ups. Eating healthy. Eating less. It needs to go away, to get sucked back into the nothingness it came from.

A week rolls by, and I have committed myself to eat­ ing tiny portions, exercising more than usual, and feeling pretty depressed but motivated the entire way. Then I fi­ nally give in.

It starts with a snack food. Nothing much, just a treat when I come home, like ice cream or a few cookies. I think, what the heck? I earned it. And there it goes.

I eat my normal amount again, and I feel normal again. I am happy with myself. Nothing was ever wrong with me. I am healthy and athletic. I have friends, and a loving family. Life just gets to me, and when it does I need something to take my mind off of it all, and some­ thing to let me disguise my self­pity and remorse. I guess that is more ugly and unhealthy than any tiny layer of standard skin anyways.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Be in the habit of experimenting with your clothing so that you don’t get stuck for life with a self­image developed over the course of high school.” ~Marilyn vos Savant

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ I learned that people walk with roughly three different gaits. There's chest center, where the person walks with their head up high and chest out, proud and strongly walking to where they want to go. Then there's crotch center, the kind of cocky cowboy walk sagging guys like to do so that their pants don't fall down. Then there's head center, where you have your head down, eyes star­ ing at your path, and you walk as fast as you can to get to where you want to go.

I would put myself between head and chest, but most­ ly head.

I hate it.

I like to walk fast, to get to class, to lunch, to wherev­ er. I hate getting caught behind a group of slow walkers, hate the frenzied criss­cross of the scramble between

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classes, when I am trying my best to weave around the slow pokes and keep out of the way of people headed in the opposite direction.

This year I noticed a phenomena I would best de­ scribed as “walking chicken.” You have two people walk­ ing on campus, with intersecting paths. One, or both, of the pedestrians needs to change their coarse in order to avoid a collision. From observation, the smaller, more head­centered person usually gives. The bigger, tougher, and less caring of how fast you have to get to wherever you are going, the more people get out of your way.

Hence why I think I am small, weakish, and frenzied.

People never get out of my way. Even freshmen. Ugh. Its weird knowing that I have little or no presence, having to move myself all the time. I'm tall enough, but I do all the crowd dodging. Its suck a little thing, but it makes me pretty self­conscious. I mean, I like myself, and I think I must be a little imposing, right?

I guess I need to have less head, and more chest then.

Hm. And walking slower might help.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Failure is an event, never a person.” ~William D. Brown

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ Dr. Joyce Brothers, a famed American psychologist, columnist, and author said, "An individual's self­concept is the core of his personality. It affects every aspect of hu­ man behavior: the ability to learn, the capacity to grow and change. A strong, positive self­image is the best preparation for success in life." But how successfully can we build positive body image while we are being judged and while we are guilty of comparing our own unique, beautiful bodies to someone else's? With so many exter­ nal pressures to be a certain way and fit a certain mold, how is a self­conscious, growing girl supposed to develop into a strong, confident young woman? And not to men­ tion, each category and subcategory of things we must perfect about ourselves each have ridiculous, contradicto­ ry double standards. Don’t be too fat, but don’t be too skinny. Don’t be too tall, but don’t be too short. You must fit into this predetermined spectrum of “normalcy” or else. Or else what? I mean who really has control over our bodies? Obviously, it is not us because we care so much about how we look and what other people think about us. So are we really going to fulfill this absurdity?

Ask yourself, “Would I want my daughter, my sister, my best friend to be thinking the evil things I think about my

body?” Then why do you think them about yourself? We should be nurtured as an individual but instead we often strive to look the same, act the same, and in fact be the same.

As we grow older, we are trained to seek the perfect body. People with beautiful bodies are the wealthiest, most successful, most wanted, and most happy, right?

How can we refute this statement when it is ground into our minds everywhere we go. My very own mother was anorexic and felt belittled about her own body image. She was and still is one of the thinnest people I know. I’m not sure why she had anorexia nor do I understand the pres­ sures she must have felt. All I know is that we all have difficulties with accepting who we are and how we look.

In fact, my grandmother is one of the most self­conscious people I know, and this likely only propelled my mother’s poor self image. My grandmother to this day still believes what her father would tell her about the leftovers on her plate, “Better to waste then around the waist.” It’s unfor­ tunate, and sadly it just shows that although some things in our society have turned completely around for the bet­ ter. Unfortunately, others have not. In fact I would say in this era, people are more self­conscious, more insecure, and more vulnerable than ever before.

Honestly, there are so many problems we could deal with as young adults. Sadly, a poor self­body­image is very high on the list among many young people. There are so many pressures from so many avenues that tell us to improve ourselves. But imagine how happy and em­ powered a young woman or man would be if he absolute­ ly loved who they were and how they looked. They could go throughout life with that swagger of radiance and amazing self­confidence. They would enjoy their lives that much more and appreciate the wonder in others that much more. Now that is beauty.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “The best and most efficient pharmacy is within your own system.” ~Robert C. Peale

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ For years, I have not had a very good self­image. When I was in middle school, I was a little chubby, even though I played a lot of sports. Especially compared to my team­ mates, I was unhappy with my body and the way it com­ pared to those around me. Also, my parents used to buy me clothes, and they bought me really weird clothes that got me teased at school. Guys made fun of me, and no girls were interested in dating me, so I was not very self­ confident.

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When I went to high school, most of my friends split up into groups, and I found myself on the outside of all these groups, without many friends that would hang out with me. To add to this, my skin started breaking out, and I was embarrassed with the way I looked. All the way through my freshman and sophomore years, I was unsat­ isfied with myself and didn’t think anyone would want to date me. Also, I didn’t have any close friends, because my one close friend got mad at me for a reason I still don’t know, and he doesn’t talk to me any more. At times, I got so sad and lonely I contemplated suicide.

Junior year, I decided to force myself out of my comfort zone and try to reach out and make new friends, because I was unhappy with the way my social life was going. I re­ alized that most people are always willing and excited to make new friends, and I made a bunch of close friends in a short time. I also started pretending to be more self­ confident around girls, and I eventually gained the self­ confidence that I had been pretending to have. Now, I have a good, positive self­image, and I am very happy with my social life and mental health.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Self­image sets the boundaries of individual accomplishment.” ~Maxwell Maltz

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ I hate it how self­image is constantly ingrained in our lives. I constantly hear gossip about how other people look. I cringe when people say things like “she’s fugly” or “she’s a but­her­face.” Recently a friend of mine was talking trash about another girl’s appearance and I told her we couldn’t be friends if she cares how other people look. It’s just not right to be mean based upon such a su­ perficial attribute. She got super offended and looked like I just slapped her or something. I have since severed ties with her, but I still come across tons of people who care so much about something to insignificant.What real­ ly matters lies inside, not outside.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Listen to your heart above all other voices.” ~Marta Kagan

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ I hate my body, I hate the media, I hate how everyone puts so much emphasis on the physical beauty of a girl’s body. I know this topic is supposed to be on self image,

and that meaning my image of myself and worth, but the way I see myself is shaped by the way the world sees me.

It shows how weak I am, how vulnerable and close mind­ ed I am to other types of beauty. But years of being put down of the way I look, and never feeling fully confident with myself has broken me to hate the way I look and feel inside. I’m not skinny, and I am not one of those girls that are athletic but think they’re fat and say, ‘omg I’m sooooo fat, I need to lose five pounds’. Because if you’re a girl that says you need to lose five pounds, you’re not very fat at all, and pretty much it seems to me like you’re fishing for compliments. I need to lose like 50 pounds of extra weight. I can’t ever get a guy to like me, because guys think they need to get a Jessica alba or Angelina jolie, that have no fat and are really toned. My friends are all thin and pretty. I remember one time that I had a huge crush on this guy and it seemed like he was kind of liking me back. I was so excited because it was the first time that I actually had a prospect, or a guy interested in me.

But I learned later that he was just using me to get close to my thinner friend, and that he told his other friends that he’d never like me. He didn’t say out right that it was because of the way I look, but I could tell that was what he was implying. I’m so hurt that the world only sees my body and then closes so many doors to me. Personally I think it’s a crap saying, ‘inner beauty is all that matters’ or ‘not all guys are like that, some like you for your per­ sonality’. I’m not usually this whiny, I can be a lot of fun too, but it seems like no guy will ever see that, because all they’ll ever see is my extra weight hanging down. It hurts so much because even though it sounds cliché whenever my relatives come over they always say how I have such a pretty face, or beautiful eyes. But, I’m never told that I’m just beautiful as me. And that hurts, and it really damages my self esteem and image. It seems like they’re in a way telling me I’m not good enough as I am.

I’ve tried to lose weight, but food has acted as a comfort system for me which I’ll admit that is partially my fault.

I’m still trying to handle it, but I hate things like prom or dances that need me to go shopping for a dress. Because I always feel like I look disgusting in any dress I try on, and envious of athletic girls who can wear anything and look good. My self image is horrible, and it’s mainly due to everyone around me and the way they see me. They think I’m ugly, so I think I’m ugly. They think I’m ugly because the media tells them that I’m ugly, and that all girls who don’t look airbrushed or photoshopped, or aren’t a size zero are ugly. What a stupid place, where girls that are beautiful and fit think they’re not worthy enough for the world because they don’t match up to the standards society puts on them. I won’t go in to how much pain I’ve gone through because of this, or how many times people have been cruel to me because all they could see was the outer aspect of me. But I want you to

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know that I have gone through this. It hurts. And it makes me hate the way I look, and am, and that I’m not strong enough to fight it off for myself. Even if just one person told me that they thought I was beautiful. If they weren’t lying. Or if they truly just said it to me out of love, because they saw in me my beauty for who I am and not HOW I am, I’d probably sob tears of happiness, tragic tears of sadness, and tears of alleviating relief.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Be yourself. There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that.” ~Unknown Author

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ I watched on youtube this girl’s really interesting per­ spective on her view of romantic relationships and the way it’s portrayed through the media, stories, books and how they affects girls and I thought about how it related to me. These ways of media are hugely blamed for girls’ bad perception of themselves, and I have to agree with this. Even if it sounds like a broken record, I think it’s re­ ally true. Because even though I am strong and indepen­ dent, and I am proud of who I am I still am not invincible to what the media kind of forces down us all. I’ve never had any boyfriend for as long as I have been alive. And it’s not because I’m weird, see I think you were probably thinking that. There’s something wrong with this girl, she’s near turning 17 and she hasn’t had a boyfriend y et? Is she ugly? Overbearing? Too independent? I won’t blame you, it’s probably first nature now to think that. Now that girls these days are getting boyfriends younger and younger and are growing up so quickly, some even starting in elementary school. I don’t think it’s because anything is wrong with me, and I see so many girls in my grade that are so wonderful. They are sweet, and caring and cute but no guys notice them be­ cause they don’t show cleavage, or aren’t the flirty type.

But this isn’t about guys and their inability to see cool girls, this is about how us girls become so affected by the media telling us if we don’t have guys chasing after us, we’re pretty much worthless. I struggled for a while, ask­ ing myself if there really was anything wrong with me.

Did I push them away? Was I too ugly, or did I dress too conservatively? But eventually I learned how annoying it was, and basically stopped blaming myself. It’s not about how I dress, or how I act. It’s about guys chasing after the hot girls, it has pretty much nothing to do with me.

But since I have no guys chasing after me, and I have no interest in guys that chase after the “hot” girl (definition of hot girl= showing half their boobs, giggling maniacs,

tight shirts, tight skirts and way too short clothing) and okay not all guys like the “hot” girl but a grand majority of them do, people will assume there is something wrong with ME. Which isn’t right at all. I’ve created an ideal self image of myself, I know I’m not perfect, and I know I can improve as a person. But I also respect myself, and I’m not going to throw myself at guys for their approval or this kind of cheap worth that society puts on girls with many men yearning for her. It’s sad that I even had to be affected by this at all, and that I had to actually think about what was wrong with me that no guy had wanted me. Because it’s not my fault, and girls it’s not your fault either. Shut out what books, movies, television series or even music tells you. You don’t need to base your values on getting a boyfriend. Relationships can’t determine your value, relationships are meant for people who truly care for each other, and aren’t meant to be trivialized by society or the media. ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Always be a first­rate version of yourself, instead of a second­rate version of somebody else.” ~Judy Garland ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ Self image. Reputation. It’s the way society sees you, and at MVHS you definitely need self image. Then again, its also how you see yourself. You’re self image is what gives you confidence. In elementary school, adults always told us to “be ourselves.” Yet I didn’t know what this meant. In my mind, “okay, if you didn’t care about what other people think of you, why are you walking around in clothes?” Couldn’t you just walk around naked? But nobody does that because nobody wants to be weird. Growing up, I had to deal with a lot of self confidence issues. I didn’t have crazy parents or anything.

My issue was just trying to fit in. It always hurt when I overhear people saying “yeah, she’s so weird.” At MV, the first thing about self image was your GPA, 2100+ SAT score, and what college you got into. People talk to you more if they know you’re smart. If you weren’t smart then you probably are funny, good looking, or some variation of that. What happens to the people who don’t have any of that? Why does society ignore them? Why does society ignore me?

It’s all the little things.

Sometimes, I wished I could have been at [insert place here] and be tagged on facebook. Speaking of facebook, facebook is pretty much a public way of displaying your self image. Who you are.

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Sometimes, it’s about at least having a friend ask you to prom or senior ball while everyone in the world seems to have a date. I question myself: what’s wrong with me?

Am I really that horrible?

Sometimes, its even about just finding a lab group.

wearing that power rangers or lizzie mcguire shirt you had from 2nd grade? You could have gotten a bigger size.

I’m just saying. Give that kid who sits alone at lunch underneath the bleachers a chance. Their self image is their self confidence.

Sometimes, it just about feeling wanted.

Society sees me as invisible. They don’t look past the misfits and see who I truly am. While self image is defined by how I see myself, that’s shaped by how others see me. I know what you’re thinking: Why the heck do you care about what others think? Well. Look down at yourself. What are you wearing? Why aren’t you still Starting way back in middle school, i began to slowly realize that my appearance would be the one thing that would gain me friends. I began to watch my weight and I became very self­conscious. I wore baggy clothing and never wore any article of clothing that would reveal who I was under my skin. I worked so hard to change the way I looked, to get people to see me as this "skinny girl". What also drove my desire to change stemmed from my parents. They would tell me to eat more but then on the flip side, they told me I needed to go exercise because I was unhealthy. I eventually went as far as to stop eating my meals because I needed desperately to lose the weight so my parents, and 'friends' would accept me.

My appearance on the outside slowly improved. I began to appear skinnier and slowly I shed off the baggy clothing. I opened myself up a little more but I still hid my true fears behind the protection of a sweatshirt day in and day out.

On the mental side of my life and my image, I have desperately strived to maintain a perfect GPA. Yes, we go to Monta Vista and anything below ­­ unweighted ­­ is unacceptable. I would fret over my grades to make sure that people saw me as the perfect student with the perfect family the perfect GPA and the perfect physique. I tried so hard that in the process, I lost all that I worked towards ­­ the perfect life.

Now, as my junior year comes to a close, I see that school is all too much over rated. I have slowly begun to see the value in taking care of your body and appreciating who you are ­­ mentally and physically. I now see that those who really care about you could care less about what your weight is or what your GPA is.

They only care about the type of person you are. At the beginning of high school, I tried so hard to be who I

“Go out in the world and work like money doesn’t matter, sing as if no one is listening, love as if you’ve never been hurt, and dance as if no one is watching.” ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ ­ thought I was ­­ perfect daughter, student, friend. Now, as my final year approaches, I see that my physical appearance and my grades are merely an extension of who I really am. What you look like or your intelligence does not matter at all. But what does is how you act and treat others, your personality, your character. Those who really care about you don't mind your flaws. They know how to pick out the good from the bad. They can find that needle in the haystack. I thank those of you out there that have helped me through the tough times of junior year, through the struggles of not only school but of finding my identity.

I used to strive to find that perfect image but now, I really don't mind who I am. As long as you are happy with yourself, who you want to be doesn't matter.

Throw the stereotypes of high school away. Throw the urge to be 'one of the popular kids' away. Don't fight against who you are. Go with the flow. Your image is not created by who you strive to be but who you are deep down and those that are around you. Superficiality means nothing in the real world. Realize it now than later and strive for change. Perfect your image by finding those that care, because there are people out there who care about you, people who share the same feelings as you and people who see you as who you are.

Don't let the false friends hold you back. Go on and find those true friends. Trust me, I have been through it and those of you that read this submission, know that I thank you very much for helping me find my true identity. ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Self­trust is the first secret of success.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ Self image is so much more than what you see in the mirror. In high school, looking good was so important

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to me. I am now in my first year in college, and I can tell you, the desire to look good never goes away, but how you see yourself matters so much more than what others see. As a kid and throughout middle school, I was chubby and awkward looking, and I was known around school as being the “nice” girl. Adults referred to me as “sweet” out of politeness. I couldn’t take it. I stuck myself on a strict diet of only one meal a day, dinner, because that was the only one that my family watched me eat. I skipped breakfast, I didn’t eat lunch at school by making excuses such as getting involved in clubs and meetings or forgetting to bring money to buy something, and I never snacked. It worked, I guess—I lost 10 pounds and still grew 4 inches and began to wear size 0 jeans. By my freshman year in high school, people were always commenting on how different I looked, and how much better it was. Honestly? I don’t even see the difference. As cliché as it sounds, when I look in the mirror, I still see a fat girl. When I go shopping, I still pick out clothes that are two sizes too big because I have no clue what I really look like. I guess when I go out, guys think I’m attractive because they always whistle or approach me. I used to take classes at De Anza, and I had to get a restraining order on a guy who would not leave me alone. When I got my first job my senior year in high school, I was sexually harassed and had to quit. Having been both ugly and pretty, I can’t even tell you which is preferable. When an ugly girl is nice to strangers, she’s considered sweet.

When a pretty girl does the same thing, she’s just asking for the wrong kind of attention. In high school, I was relatively lucky that most people I came into contact with are people I’ve known since at least middle school, and I never really needed to make new friends or meet new people. But my first year in college, I realized that your looks are the only first impression you’ve got. To me, that just seems like such a shallow reason to ever get to know someone, and I spend a lot of time discerning people’s true motives. Maybe it’s because I’ve been on both ends of the attractiveness spectrum, but beauty really is only skin deep. To me, the person you are is so much more important than how hot you are. It seems like “ugly” people tend to develop amazing personalities because they have nothing else to offer, and attractive people never feel the need to do so.

Regardless of my opinions now, my insecurities and bad habits have stuck with me for years. I still worry about not being attractive. I continue to starve myself when I’m stressed. I throw up when I feel like I’ve eaten too much. When I look in the mirror after a full day of not consuming a single calorie, I don’t feel proud I feel weak. When I’m kneeling on the floor staring into the toilet, I don’t feel “purged” I feel desperate. Maybe others see me as a pretty girl. I see myself as someone

who caved in to the pressure and lost herself completely. If I could turn back the clock, I would choose for others to see an average girl on the heavier side of things and for myself to be proud of the person I am.

Life can still suck.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “A house is a home when it shelters the body and comforts the soul.” ~Phillip Moffitt

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ i haven't really wrote in verdadera before because, well, i guess none were topics i could REALLY write about. Self­image is a huge part of my life, i constantly care about what others think, every second of everyday, even at home when around my family. I carefully plan the way i walk, talk, and present myself to others. in the evening in my room, i even sometimes look in the mirror and pretend i'm holding a conversation, making sure i dont look dumb when i'm actually at school. I know people who read this will think i'm weird, thats why i choose to remain anonymous, but, I just REALLY care how i look at all times, its just me. I take around one and a half hours to get ready: makeup, trying several outfits, fixing my hair so it can be perfect...but still when i get to school, sometimes i can feel so insecure, that i constantly look in the reflecting windows of classrooms, just to make sure i look ok.

When i go to the school bathroom, i'm scared to look into the mirror, afraid my hair may be askew and i've been walking around like that all day, or my eyeliner faded, or my foundation is uneven.

I honestly believe the way you look is the way people view you, so thats what i do what i do. When i see 2 people in the hallway giggling to each other, my mind races...were they laughing at me? did they not approve of my outfit? my hair? I always feel awkward walking in front of the classroom to get a tissue or ask the teacher a question, afraid people will judge the way i walk. I always look at compare people, a applicatoin on facebook, to see where i place, and analyze the people that score higher than i, seeing what makes me different than they, and what i can do to get to the top ten. My friends are so pretty, i feel like a modern hunchback of notredame when next to them, which makes me try that much harder. Probably no one at this school takes their self image to the extreme as i do, but thats the way i am, and thats the way i will be for probably the rest of my

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life.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Your body is a temple, littering is strictly prohibited.” ~Jamba Juice

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ I have really bad self image. I feel like it's a product of high school. I could always lose a couple more pounds, tone up a little bit more, get clearer skin, become smarter, stronger, faster, better. That's how it's been for as long as I can remember. And honestly, it sucks. It's hard doing anything with that voice in your head constantly letting you know that you are the worst example of the human species out there. And if not the voice in your head then the media and popular culture let you know what's desired, and it's not you. I know it's not true. I know I'm not as awful as I believe myself to be, but the hardest part is having a good and realistic self image. So I turned to alcohol, seemed like the easy thing to do and it worked for a while. Superficially, I had good self image, but then I became addicted and after struggling with the addiction and what it had turned me into I finally quit. Now it was just me and my wonderful self image again. I've realized though, that I'm not that awful. This sounds lame but every morning I think of one compliment I could give myself and honestly it works. And I am attaining better self image.

Though it's taking a while, it's worth it.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “They can’t hurt you unless you let them.” ~Anonymous

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ I rub my eyes and hope that the vision will go away, but it stays.

I stare into dark, lifeless eyes, and cannot believe these are my own.

I don't see the girl I used to be. I don't see the girl I want to be.

I don't know who I am.

Who is this ghost standing before me?

I've never seen so many bones. I can count then one by one, runnnig my fingers along my ribcage, my hips, elbows, ankles.

Before, I only saw a nightmare in my head. Now, I see a nightmare in my reflection.

I got so lost. I lost myself, and didn't know where to turn. As my life spun out of control, I blamed myself.

Who else's fault could it be?

I was strong, healthy, happy, but saw myself as weak and dying. And now, I am just that. Weak. Dying.

I throw on a T­shirt that's ten times too big and turn away.

It hurts too much to look at myself.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Who has confidence in himself will gain the confidence of others.” ~Lieb Lazarow

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ 'Oh, my God, Becky. Look at her butt. It is SO big." Sir Mix­a­lot brings up a very, very sensitive topic with the first phrase of his song "Baby got Back." People judge you for your looks SO MUCH nowadays. Ever since fifth grade I've been having these issues. They come and go, and as soon as I gain confidence about myself again, I get put down, and go into another phase during which I think I look like crud every morning, so why bother trying to look good? It's not like anyone's going to notice, or ask why I look so cruddy. Because I do, right? Wrong. I don't look that cruddy. Of course, I have the occasional bad hair day like any other person out there. But it's not like I look terrible every morning.

It's just that the public opinion matters too much to people. If I don't keep up with the latest fads, I feel like everyone's staring at me, wondering why I'm not wearing what I "should" be wearing. Should I really give in to peer pressure?

Probably not.

Then again, if I DO end up updating my look, or doing something different with my hair, or I just try something new for a change, guess what happens. I still get talked about. I feel like no matter what I try to do, in order to make myself feel better about my image, I'm always doing something wrong. So I guess I've stopped caring

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as much. I've decided that as long as I'm comfortable with what I wear, people around me are going to have to suck it up. I've made my mistakes. I've bought clothes that I really didn't like as much as I could have. That Abercrombie and Fitch phase, for example. I totally went through it. I'd go online shopping when I was bored, just to see what other clothes I "liked." I never really realized that I didn't like the clothes, until I just didn't wear them as much. Then, I started to question why I bought them. Was it because everyone else had them? Because they were "cool"? Yeah, probably. That phase I went through lasted me a year or so. Then, I had a falling­out with my best friend. She just wasn't making me feel too good about myself, calling me short and fat and constantly bragging about herself. I really didn't want to be friends with her anymore. That friendship was taking it's toll on my already low self­ esteem. I'd come to school in stuff I really didn't like, only to get put down by her about how my outfit wasn't as cool as her was. So one fine day, during fourth period, that friendship ended. That was towards the end of seventh grade. I had trouble getting back on track through eighth grade, because I couldn't really avoid seeing her everyday. The school was just too small by then, because everyone knew each other. I managed to change towards the end of middle school; I didn't feel the incessant need to go shopping for new clothes, and I was content with what I had. Still, though, I was pretty self­concious.

Then, high school started. I saw people who weren't scared to dress 'out of the box'­ish. I saw people who didn't complain that they were too fat, too skinny, too tall, etc. I've learned that people are capable of being different. So, why couldn't I be different too? I started dressing the way I like to. I started wearing what I wanted to wear, and my peers have learned to accept me for who I am. I still do get talked about behind my back, I'm sure of it. However, I really don't care. Those few who talk about me, they've got to learn that I'm not going to be like them. Because I don't want to.

Having that mindset has changed me SO MUCH, in the past seven months. I've really gotten to enjoy life more, because I just don't value the opinions of those who feel the need to criticize me behind my back. If you want to tell me something, tell it to my face. I'm through with caring. I think I look decent right now, and if people don't, too bad for them.

They've got to learn to suck it up, and stop judging me based on what I look like.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” ~Malcolm S. Forbes

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ Self ­image is the way you look at yourself, not what the mirror shows you, but what you choose to see. Over the years, I have learned that you get to choose what people see in you. When you are unsure of yourself that is when you give people he right to judge and open yourself up to hurt.

I have been told that I come off a confident person and that I seem to be very comfortable in my own skin.

Today, I am proud to say that I am comfortable with who I am and what I look like, but I don’t think I could have said the same four years ago.

I was a short, pudgy little girl who used to spend my lunches with my nose shoved in a book and long socks poking out of from shoes and peeping from in between the bottom of my jeans and the ankle of my shoes. I was a first class dork. I was awkward, and unsure of myself. I constantly looked around to see what other people were doing making sure that I wasn’t actually I am not sure why I would look around. I wasn’t looking to impress anyone or get anyone’s approval, I was always conscience of what I did though. For some reason, I did not want to be noticed. Yet, at the same time I felt myself becoming invisible.

Although my transformation happened almost two and a half years ago, it wasn’t until this year that I realized that it was all in my head. I learned two things, one, no one had thought of my as awkward, and two, in a way, I haven’t really changed at all. I met some old friends from sixth grade, and people who were only the in class friend types, and we were talking about the good ole days. Immediately I got embarrassed, and said oh my god, I was sooooo weird back then! I can’t believe so awkward. To my surprise, none of them had felt that way about me. They said that I was just shy, not a weird­ o or anything. I was beyond shocked, I always thought I was just down right strange. I thought I was one of those people the hovered around, in that irritating way, not knowing what to do.

That really got me to thinking. What changed then?

Was I a different person? Did my likes change? Did my personality change? Not really. I loved to read, and I still do. Any free time I have you can find my nose poked in a book! I still do the same things, have the same friends, the same opinions, the same beliefs. What in the world happened. It still bothers me because I am

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not entirely sure what changed my outlook, and why people now think I am so much more confident. But I can definitely say it has a ton to do what I think about myself. That summer I went running with my dad and the year after I joined track and cross ­country. I was not any good, but I got in shape and it boosted my confidence. I began to shape my likes and my dislikes according to myself not according to the person next to me. I began to see the changes in myself and I guess people saw them also. People really see you through your own eyes.

I am not sure what caused the change, but what it was, I am so glad it did because looking back now I do not think I want would want to be that person who always second guessed herself.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself.” ~Robert Collier

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ So I’m skinnier than the average girl. Does that automatically mean I am anorexic? No. Does that mean I barf up everything I eat? No. Do people still think those crazy things? Yes. I am tall and skinny. I have no issues with this. The people who know me know I eat like crazy—in fact I eat more than the average person. Because my So I’m So I’m skinnier than the average girl. Does that automatically mean I am anorexic? No. Does that mean I barf up everything I eat? No. Do people still think those crazy things? Yes. I am tall and skinny. I have no issues with this. The people who know me know I eat like crazy—in fact I eat more than the average person. Because my metabolism is super fast, I am able to eat so much and not gain a pound. The not gaining any weight though, has sparked lots of controversy with other people. I have often been called anorexic and my body is a constant comparison of how its as thin as those Brazilian models we see everywhere.

At one time, a bulimia scare went around when I had mistakenly told a group of people that I spent my whole break barfing. The truth was that I had been sick over break. People started telling me that I was barfing to keep my “skinny” status or that my body could not handle a lot of food. First off, there is no skinny status. Secondly, my body can handle my food—just watch me at brunch and lunch. And finally, it is not like I asked to be this skinny; it just

happened.

“You are what you eat, from your head to your feet.” Too bad that hasn’t come true. My self­image is still waiting for those dozens of donuts to show up on my thighs.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Work hard to create in your children a good self­ image. It’s the most important thing you can do to ensure their success.” ~Unknown

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ It wasn’t until just recently that I started to wear jeans.

Why? Because they made me look fat, that’s why.

Whenever I saw myself in a pair of jeans, all I could see was my thick thighs, over­flowing stomach…do I have to say the rest? In such a skinny school like Monta Vista, who could go around looking like such a dork?

It wasn’t like my group of friends were all self­ conscious about our image; actually we were all the opposite. None of us really cared about what we looked like at school and enjoyed the freedoms that came with it…except me.

I tried everything, from dieting to exercising with no effect (partly due to my parents’ strong refusal for skipping meals during school days and my laziness) and I was tired of trying to be skinny.

It was the day I realized that I would just live my life without jeans that my friend put out a dare…

In class, our teachers passed back our test from a week ago. My friend and I promised each other that the person who got the lower score on the test needed to do a dare. I cautiously look at my test score…we exchanged papers, and how could I have guessed, I lost.

A dare as promised, I asked my friend what she wanted me to do. The dare was simple, wear jeans the next day.

That night, I was dreading waking up in the morning, walking to my closet and wearing jeans as promised. Morning came too early, and like a good friend should be, I had my faithful jeans on.

My friend looked over me once and said, “You look skinnier then usual…” And she left it at that.

I felt like there were three dots hanging over my head. I couldn’t believe my ears. I felt like I had hidden myself for nothing. My body, even though it wasn’t perfect, wasn’t so bad after all.

The moral of the story? ...Figure it out yourself.

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­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Your self­image is your pattern! Every thought has an action visualized. Every activity belongs to a pattern.

You identify with your pattern or thought. Your patterns lead your life.” ~J.G. Gallimore

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ I have never been comfortable with myself.

My first memories of a public setting, school, involve arguments with somebody else – a teacher, a student, a parent, anybody and everybody. These were just petty arguments, just me not knowing when to shut up.

Then there was 1st grade. Did you know that 1st grade – heck, even in preschool – there is drama?

Bitching about somebody else (of course, that’s not what it was called), and getting all cliquey. I was never on the “in” side, and I was always perceived as somebody to be left on the outside. And that’s how I ended up perceiving myself, as somebody who was on the outside and nothing would change that.

So in middle school, I decided to change, my personality. At the time, I hadn’t too directly correlated my physical self­image to how I felt others perceived me and how I wanted to change my image, but I had an inkling, from the periodic insults thrown my way about how I looked and how I dressed. So I basically got more friends and had a fun time and all.

From 7th to 8th grade, a girl who I had seen grow up alongside me since kindergarten went through a momentous change. She grew taller, naturally, and also lost weight, got a new hairstyle, got a new wardrobe, and with that, a new happiness. She seemed more confident of herself, and happier to me.

I wanted that change, so, so bad. So from 8th to th 9 grade, or junior high to high school, I decided that I would make that change. Get fit, get some nice clothes to match my new looks, be peppy. Well, the change didn’t occur, and I guess I would attribute it to my being lazy for a straight 90 days. I wore clothes that I thought looked nice, and in retrospect, I looked fat, just like usual.

There were many points where I thought to myself, “I wish I could be anorexic.” I know that it was wrong to think that, I know that it is wrong to think that.

But being anorexic seemed like a good way to deal with being fat. Sure, I wasn’t obese, but I wasn’t fit, and those internet BMI calculators pointed me at the edge of

overweight, veering dangerously close to obese.

Again, the summer from 9th to 10th. I decided to make a change, and well, I got some new shorts, and I consciously tried to smile more. But weight wise? No change. Not even thinking that I had to participate in the Dance Showcase in March made me more motivated to do anything throughout the entire year.

But now, my literal self­image is stopping me from doing things, however superficial they might be. I “don’t swim” – even though I swam competitively for 9 years. I haven’t worn anything except pants or jeans to school since my mother stopped picking out my clothes for me. I only recently started wearing dresses, and only because I had to. I flipped out when I learned that 8th grade graduation meant that you had to wear a dress.

At the moment, I’m more comfortable with my personality than I have ever been. But I am not comfortable with my body, and that is where my happy, cheerful personality is just a façade.

I’d like to change the image of myself, thus changing my self­image. It’s not that I just want to look good, it would just be nice to run around in the park, barefoot in the summertime with friends, without thinking about how uncomfortably warm jeans are in 90 degree weather, and without having to stop for breath and then just slow down to a walk, while everybody else is in front of me. It would be nice to go dress shopping and not have to worry about length and waist and fit just because all the good stuff is too small. It would be nice to go to prom next year and be comfortable with myself. I just wish that I didn’t have to be so superficial about it.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “The image is one thing and the human being is another…It’s very hard to live up to an image, put it that way.” ~Elvis Presley

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ At high school, self­image means a lot to me, and to everyone else despite what they say. I was hanging out with some friends during lunch, and suddenly saw an old friend; someone I had stopped talking to in the past year. I went up to him and asked how he was, and most importantly, how he was feeling. My friend had been picked on incessantly throughout elementary school, and middle school. Talking to him, he described himself as “fat,” and as a “loser,” often angry with some of his former tormentors. Hearing him release his feelings, and his surprising description of himself, I realized how important someone’s self­image is. Your self­image

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should represent who you are, and your overall view on life. Knowing my friend for a very long time, I knew him as a smart, interesting, and funny guy to be with. It ripped me apart to see how the cruel, shallow remarks of my peers destroyed this, slowly reducing him a different guy. I talked with him for the rest of lunch, trying to get his spirit up. He brushed off my concerns, saying, “all right” , and “nothingS Wrong” . We both knew who was right. The next time I saw him, he walked up to me and smiled at me, helping me understand my own self­image, and his as well.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Whoever controls the media, the images, controls the culture.” ~Allen Ginsberg

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ as guys, we are taught to be big tall and muscular. well, to make a short story short..i am short (pun intended). i struggled with this for SO frikin long, and i still do. how do you ask a date to a dance when she's taller than you? shit how can you even like a girl if she's taller than you? these are questions that still remain to be answered in my mind at least. nobody has ever made fun of me for being short, of which im grateful, and I mean im not THAT short at all...im not legally a midget or something. Im just not tall, because im the same height or shorter as many girls. but if midgets can cope with it, and by having much more severe height disparities, why can't i? easy to say, harder to do though..sigh..off to drink another cup of milk. apparently guys can grow till their early 20s so im still holding onto hope.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self­esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity.” ~Nathaniel Brandon

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ I've always had a really hard time accepting myself. I'm a really happy person and there's nothing in my life that causes me to be stressed to the point where I consider doing anything that most people in high school gossip about. But I guess I've just never been able to look in the mirror and think that I look beautiful. I've read enough books and talked in enough classes to know that being beautiful doesn't mean having model­good looks,

and I've accepted that. But even when I attempt to make myself feel pretty with make­up or really cute clothes, it seems to go unnoticed by people. I'm not fishing for compliments, but a few “You look cute today!”s would really do a lot for me. Does that mean I'm weak and insecure? Probably. I wish I could really carry myself as a confident woman who believes in herself because I know that I have a lot going for me. I've been trying recently, as college creeps up, to love myself for me. I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and say outloud to myself one thing I like about myself – sometimes it's a physical trait, or sometimes it's an internal one. It's helped me a little, but I have a long way to go. I know that there are things I can do physically to make myself feel more beautiful like losing weight, but I've tried that and I just haven't seen results. I know that's being skinny isn't a quality for real beauty, but I feel like if I did lose weight, my internal pride would boost and I would be able to see myself as beautiful. Then I could carry myself with the confidence I've always wanted to. It's so hard, though. But I'm trying.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “The person we believe ourselves to be will always act in a manner consistent with our self­image.” ~Brian Tracy

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ Each year I go to the doctor’s office to get a physical, which includes finding out my height and weight.

According to my doctor, I am shorter and heavier than most girls my age, which automatically puts me at risk for being “unhealthy.” Every time I go, I get asked the same questions; “How often do you exercise? How many servings of fruits and vegetables do you eat each day? Have you ever considered dieting?” I'm not stupid; I know that if I were skinny I would never have to hear questions like these.

As I turned twelve, my dad simultaneously started calling me “chubby” and ridiculed me for eating too much. This caused me to spiral down into a frightening and dangerous obsession with food as I tried to look like the girls in the magazines. I eliminated desserts and carbs, threw up after eating, ingested enough laxatives to kill a small child, exercised until I almost lost consciousness, ate less than 300 calories a day, told myself I was fat, ugly, and worthless and needed to change, but nothing worked. Even when I

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lost weight I wasn’t happy and just wanted to get thinner. It took me over four years of dieting to figure out that I needed a new strategy. By this time I was so full of self­hatred that I began cutting my wrists, and later, contemplating suicide.

Thankfully I still cared enough about myself to reach out for help, and ended up in therapy, which truly was the best thing for me. My therapist actually had an eating disorder when she was younger and knew exactly what I was going through. She taught me that all people have value, no matter how much they weigh and that “the way our society objectifies women's bodies is just sick.”

I learned that the media uses painfully skinny women as models of what is desirable because the body type is so unattainable. People will diet, gain back weight, diet again, then gain back the weight......you get the picture. We've been tricked into thinking that thin is the best way to be because it is beneicial to the diet industry. Does that make you angry? I’m furious.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement. ~Golda Meir

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ i feel i've spent my whole life hating myself. its con­ flicting­ i feel that people should figure that out and re­ assure me that i shouldn't hate myself, and yet i don't want people to know that i'm one of the most insecure people on earth. i've spent a lot of time evaluating self­ image; what people assume of what you think of your­ self, and what you as an individual think. i feel that i grew up thinking i was never good enough because of what my parents would tell me whenever they were home. that mentality led to numerous breakdowns in el­ ementary and middle school, and i was later diagnosed with depression. it was embarrassing, you know, when you're pulled out of your class to go to the counselor ev­ eryday, and everyone knows why. my friends didn't want to talk to me because they didn't understand why i was cutting. i felt like they didn't understand why i hat­ ed myself, why i wanted to be perfect, why i wanted so many things that seemed unattainable. it took me 5 years to get out of that rut, and its sad that so many peo­ ple go through the same things i did (not to sound so self­centered).

that was my self image. i think its hard these days, where its like the media tries to control how we should think­ to the point where we're almost not thinking at all. at the same time, it leads to more insecurity regarding ourselves. i wish it could all change, for all of us. that we recognize how we're all great and different in our own way, as cliche as it sounds. but with all the outside pressures, its hard to. in a way i guess you could call it a "raisin in the sun"; not for dreams, but for people.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” ~e.e. cummings.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ I wish I had a better understanding of what I thought of myself. My thoughts towards myself have turned to a series of negative opinions and false judgments. What others say have impacted everyone of us, whether its how ugly we look with our hair a certain way or just simply what we wear. I have learnt to teach myself to ignore most of what others say because it shouldn't mean much. But just this week I found out my parents are getting divorced. My life style is going to dramatically change if this process proceeds and I cant help but listen to what comments people will make. I've built a view that what others think about me matters to me more than I myself does. This is probably the reason I lost my relationship that meant something to me. This is why I lose almost everything....I’m just so insecure it impacts myself in the worst way possible.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “But the real secret to total gorgeousness is to believe in yourself, have self­confidence, and try to be secure in your decisions and thoughts.” ~Kirsten Dunst

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ Although I think it is absolutely great that a more curvy body is being advocated as beautiful, being a naturally

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petite individual, it puts me in kind of an awkward position. I'm not sure what to think when petite bodies are credited as unnatural­­­what does that make mine?

I've never altered my eating habits or done anything other than what was the healthiest for me. It is frustrating when I tell my loved ones that I sincerely think they are beautiful no matter what their body type, only find to find my words are discredited solely because I do have naturally a petite body. I definitely agree that it is a problem that petite body types are favored by the media, but I also think that it is very important to ensure no body types are left behind in an effort to love others equally.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ “Relentless, repetitive self talk is what changes our self­image.” ~Denis Waitley

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ The world of eating disorders is a cycle. A trap. An addiction... that I let myself enter.

I find it odd that the people who "inspired" me to get so obsessed with body image were a few close friends, and not the typical media (who are literally shoving images of skin and bone in our faces). Anyway, at one point, some of my friends who I thought were significantly skinnier than me became so preoccupied with their weight, saying they were fat, talking about how little they ate, and so on. It puzzled me because I would have never labelled them as "fat". In fact, before then, I would have never labelled anyone as "fat". I never payed attention to people's bodies, until I made my first "fat" label ­ to myself.

Suddenly, wanting to getting skinnier was everything to me. First thing in the morning, I'd wake up and exercise. Then eat a little snack... sometimes. Then go out on a run, come back and watch TV while doing sit­ ups. I'd leave to sports, bike home, crash on the couch, and lie about how much I ate. The number of hours I spent exercising determined how much I would actually eat for dinner, but at that time, my dinner would never be a lot. Those were my typical summer days. If my friends wanted to go out and eat, I'd reluctantly go, pretend the food was healthy, then get really frustrated with myself at the end of the day. I went on like this for a really long time (I don't even know how anymore), but honestly, it was terrible. Exercising so much was lonely, I was always thinking about how much I wanted to eat some ice cream, and I just wanted to sleep 24/7,

since that was the only time I wouldn't feel hunger or exhaustion. Nevertheless, this lifestyle made me feel accomplished and I continued to live like that.

Eventually, I couldn't stand eating so little and I had dropped a few pounds, so I figured I'd begin to eat a little more. Staring into that empty bowl of ice cream, I felt guilty. I wanted it out of my body, but how? Even though I told myself I'd never do this (I felt like it was cheating), I went and vomited it out. That became my new safety if I had failed my own test of minimal eating.

Oh, and did I mention that the entire time I was doing this to myself, I refused to acknowledge it as an eating disorder? That along with lying to my family and friends, I was making the biggest lie to myself and pretending what I was doing was normal? It was around this time that I came across an issue of Verdadera and began reading it. I learned that there were people going through problems like mine.

And that's when I decided to believe it ­ I had a problem. I guess all I needed was someone else to go and admit their eating disorder was a problem before I could myself. So now I'm telling you this: I had a problem. I wasn't eating enough and I was purging myself, and I had a problem. Go back and read the first sentence, where I implied that getting eating disorders is a cycle ­ someone says she's fat, another hears and says she's fat, then another hears and says she's fat. Maybe we can start a new, different cycle. I had heard someone admit their eating disorder, then I acknowledged my own and began to solve my problem. Now if you may have fallen into the first cycle of getting an eating disorder, I hope you can fall into this new one. Like I did, you might have an eating disorder, but you're not alone. Please stop and get help, before it gets any worse. I know you have it in you to stop, and maybe once you do, you can pass your story onto someone else, and that person will continue the cycle of inspiring others to tackle their problem. Eating disorders are going around like a disease to the mind, but unlike some diseases, this has a cure. Take it.

Back to my story... I layed down in bed and stopped to think. I had hit the weight I wanted to be, and what now... Nothing else had changed. I didn't suddenly become gorgeous or well­liked or anything. Nothing changed. All I did was torture myself to become what I thought some of my friends considered the ideal image.

And you know what else I realized? I never cared what they looked like, and they never cared what I looked like. I don't know why I had felt so accomplished with this eating problem, because I feel like I could have focused all my energy on something more productive, maybe something actually beneficial to the world.

Yeah, that blows. But what isn't so bad is that I was able

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to stop my eating problem immediately. I slowly gained back a lot of my weight and brought back my appetite.

The time I used to spend exercising non­stop was now spent with my friends. And that has made me so much more happier than losing a few pounds ever could.

I just had a bowl of pasta. It's going through my body

and I want it to. I have a sport tomorrow, but I'm going to eat because food is good and I need energy.

I'm not thinking about my body image.

And no one else is thinking about my body image either.

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Self­Image Maureen R. Johnston, MFT I realize now as I look back that my self­image was pretty murky until I graduated from college. It’s as though I was always defined by what was outside of me. I was just one of the many Johnston kids, seen by others as my older siblings’ quirky little sister. Then, as I got into high school, I became the quieter, reserved friend of more vibrant girls. While I had always gotten good grades, I didn’t see myself as studious or particularly hardworking. I was not involved in any sports or extracurricular activities, so didn’t view myself as an athlete or group member. I knew a lot of people, but didn’t really belong to any particular ‘clique’, so couldn’t even see myself as a ‘jock’ or ‘stoner’ or ‘nerd’. I’m not sure how much I even perceived myself as a distinct individual, other than having a vague sense of feeling different than my family and friends.

Since I lived at home and went to a commuter State college, I didn’t get the opportunity to really see who I was and what I was like as an individual until I got in my car one April morning and drove across the country all by myself. As I headed west on I­80 through the cornfields of Iowa and Nebraska, I had a lot of time to think about who I was, what I wanted in my life, what was important to me. I think I began to realize as the miles grew between me and ‘home’ that I could define myself. Part of me knew the only way I would ever be able to really see through all the fog of other people’s perceptions and definitions of me was to go 3000 miles away. I had to go some place where no one knew anything about any of my older siblings, my background, where I’d come from, or who I was. By the time I pulled up to the Yosemite Park and Curry Company employee office on May 1st, to begin a summer job in Curry Village, I felt ready to begin the process creating my own self­image.

What is self­image?

Self­image is how you perceive yourself. It is made up of numerous impressions, experiences and reactions. Our self­image is closely related to and influenced by, but is not the same thing as our self­ esteem. Self­esteem is how we feel about ourselves. How we see ourselves impacts us on a number of different levels. If we view ourselves as lacking, incompetent, or insignificant, our self confidence is going to be low and our sense of self worth damaged. The manner in which we carry ourselves, approach novel situations, and cope with life’s challenges are all directly affected by our self­image.

I keep thinking about the children’s story of the Ugly Duckling. The ugly duckling’s self­image was that he was different from the other ducklings, and this difference was defined as ugly by the other ducklings.

He came to see himself as ugly (his self­image), and he felt lonely, sad, and of less value or importance than the other ducklings. His self esteem plummeted, and he hid from the other ducklings. It was not until time went by and he grew up that he saw other swans. He still saw himself as different from the other ducks, but now the difference had taken on a whole new meaning, and as his perception changed, his feelings also underwent a transformation.

How self­image develops How we perceive ourselves is strongly influenced by how others perceive us. If we are fortunate enough to be born into a family that wants us and sees us as a wonderful new addition to be loved, nurtured, and treasured, we have a much better foundation upon which a positive, healthy self­image can build. As we go through infancy and childhood, we are deeply impacted by the messages, both overt and subtle, that we receive from our parents and siblings. Through their words, tone of voice, expressions, and actions, they are consciously and unconsciously defining and labeling us. We are told we are good or bad, smart or 17

dumb, weak or strong, bookish or rambunctious, reliable or irresponsible, a neat freak or a slob, lazy or ambitious.

The school environment adds another level of complexity to the development of our self­image. So much depends upon how well we fit in. Our teachers send us signals about our intellectual abilities, our appearance, our behavioral appropriateness. The other students want to be our friend or shun us, they like our clothes or mock our style. We see ourselves as smart when the answers come easily or stupid when we can’t seem to grasp it. Our athletic skills, our grades, our actions, and our social skills are all compared to, contrasted with, and judged by the group.

At the same time, we have to consider what nature has endowed us with. We are all born with our own particular body, brain, and basic temperament. Some people are just naturally more resilient and less negatively impacted by the effects of external messages, while others are much more sensitive and easily damaged by how they are treated by people and events.

By the time we are adults, the foundation for how we see ourselves is set and for some people doesn’t really change much over the years. However, for most of us, our self­image can and does go through shifts, alterations, and sometimes even dramatic transformations. I have a client with whom I have worked, on and off, for several years. She came to me struggling with an image of herself as incompetent, unattractive and unable to make friends. She described growing up with a very critical mother and a father who saw conversation as an opportunity for interrogation. They moved around a lot and it was difficult for her to make friends in the new schools. She did poorly academically and was placed in the remedial groups. She was compared to her academically talented brother and labeled a slow learner by her parents as well as the schools.

By the time she walked into my office in her mid­30’s, she was desperately lonely and felt trapped in a life of quiet despair. Through a lot of hard work and numerous setbacks, over the years she has been able to redefine her self­image and now sees herself as competent, intelligent, and a good mother to her two sons. She started taking classes in child development at De Anza to help with her understanding of her children. She was astonished to discover that she actually did well, went on to receive her Bachelor’s at Santa Clara University, and is now enrolled in a Master’s program. She no longer sees herself as stupid or slow, and has found ways to better her relationship with her (still overly critical, demeaning) mother.

Reactions to Verdadera

stories

I was saddened, but not really surprised by how many of the student entries for this topic were from girls distressed by the shape/size of their bodies. We live in a culture that places a huge emphasis on physical appearance, with a narrowly defined range of what is considered attractive. For a variety of reasons, it is easy to succumb to the notion that our body image is our most important feature, while it really is only one part of who we are.

I am once again drawn to thoughts of the ugly duckling. I can’t help but think about how it would have been for him if he had been born near a pond with a wide diversity of other birds all around. He could have seen that baby birds came in all sizes, shapes and colors. He would have realized that some birds swim, some fly, and each have a distinctive voice. He would have known that all were loved, valued and had a contribution to make to the community. Maybe he wouldn’t have had to go through the trauma of feeling ridiculed and unlovable. Then it wouldn’t have mattered whether he was a duck, a swan, a coot or an egret.

Ways to improve a negative/poor self­image 18

My client was able to make such a marked improvement in her self­image because she really wanted to and she worked hard at it. Therapy was very helpful for many reasons; it helped her see, examine, challenge, and ultimately discard old messages and replace them with a more accurate, realistic sense of who she really is. It gave her the support she needed to take risks, and provided her with a reality check on her progress. Meditation, exercise and school were also part of the formula for her.

While psychotherapy may not be the answer for everyone, it can help facilitate real change in many people’s lives. The recognition that how you see yourself may be having a negative effect on your life is the first step toward becoming who you want to be. This desire to improve your self­image is a key ingredient in viewing yourself in a more positive, healthy, and realistic light. There are many websites and self­help books that provide suggestions on improving your self­image and self esteem. Here’s a brief list of some things you can do to alter your view of yourself: • • •

• • • •

Practice positive thinking ­ first pay attention to your internal thoughts to identify the negative messages you’re giving yourself. Then come up with positive self messages that counter and oppose the bad self talk.

Focus on the positive ­ stop obsessing about your negative traits and find ways to highlight what’s good about yourself.

Give self compliments ­ just as a couple of the student entries suggested, start each day with a compliment or expression of gratitude. Put post­it’s with self affirming statements on your mirror where you’ll see them each day.

Build in success ­ put yourself in situations in which you can do well and feel good about yourself.

Foster positive relationships ­ find people who appreciate you for who you are, who care about your feel­ ings, thoughts, and dreams. Avoid those who pull you down.

Seek support ­ don’t do it all alone. You’re not the only one struggling with whatever your issues are; talk to others.

Get help ­ if you’re dealing with significant issues like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, self­injurious thoughts and behaviors, etc. talk with an adult who can help you get the professional assistance you need.

Final Thoughts Yes, I definitely began to develop a more distinct sense of myself throughout the summer I spent in Yosemite Valley, and it has continued to evolve and change as the years have gone by. With each new role I take on, I find new strengths and limitations, rise to some challenges and fail at others, all along the process of learning about myself continues. I expect my self­image to undergo many more alterations be­ fore I reach the end of my journey.

Try to remember that this is just one stage in your life, and no matter what you are going through right now, there is much more for you to experience as you go through the years.

About the writer Maureen Johnston is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. She provides psychotherapy and psychoeducational evaluations to teens, kids and adults. She develops and conducts social skills lessons to elementary students. She is the mother of a Monta Vista student and spouse of a Monta Vista teacher. More information can be found at www.maureenjohnston.com.

Maureen R. Johnston, MFT 19

408­871­9180 For more information, go to www.maureenjohnston.com

Resources from the Verdadera Staff More­Selfesteem.com http://www.more­selfesteem.com/selfimage.htm This site contains information on what self esteem is and how it effects us on a daily basis. Most importantly, it has information how we can boast our self esteem and feel good about ourselves.

MayoClinic.com on Self­Esteem http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self­esteem/mh00129 On this site, you may find information about how to boast your self esteem and be happy with yourself.

The Self­Esteem Workbook –by Glenn Schiraldi The workbook is based on guiding the reader through a set of exercises help develop a strong self esteem.

The self esteem is gained through learning the importance of thoughts, emotions, physical health and these factors impact someone’s self­esteem.

Help line from the Bill Wilson Center (408) 243­0222 http://www.billwilsoncenter.org/bwc/contact.shtml The Bill Wilson Center is a nonprofit organization that works to improve youth mental health. Center staff are open to talk to youth about problems that may trouble them such as low self­esteem

Upcoming Issues and Submission Deadlines Issue

Deadline

College

Saturday, May 2nd 20

Tradition and Culture

Saturday, August 1st

Ways to Submit 1. Visit us at www.verdadera.org. You can submit stories here, learn more about Verdadera, read previous issues, and meet staff members.

2. Stories can be turned in to any staff member – hardcopies or emails (available on our website), anything is welcomed. Staff members are also there to help answer your questions about issues, topics, anything.

3. Email it to verdadera.entries@gmail.com.

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Self­Image May 2009 Staff: Jackie Barr, Alex Cheng, Allie Choy, Natasha Desai, Kai Kang, Jane Kim, Kriti Garg, Brittany Hopkins, Tiffany Lau, Yifang Qiu, Shishi Wang, Tim Wheeler, and Matisse Yoshihara Incoming Staff: Christina Aguila, Kevin Chang, Amy Kahng, Brendan Lee, Yasmin Majeed, Jennifer Nguyen, Karishma Mehrotra, Samantha Pham, Kevin Tsukii, Laura Yang, Sara Yang, and Rachael Yao Advisors: Hung Wei, Kathy Fetterman, and Carol Satterlee Visit us or submit stories at www.verdadera.org