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As we talk in this issue about Troubled Teens, I suspect that the overwhelming emotion often felt by parents in this area is fear. Fear is such a powerful emotion, but in terms of parenting our teens, it seems to take on a whole new meaning. So as parents, what do we fear? Well, I can only talk from my own perspective, but I assume this holds true for most – I fear making mistakes. I fear that any parenting mistakes I make, will critically and irreversibly damage my children and lead them into becoming ‘troubled teens’; and this is so ironic because as parents, the constant ‘chatter’ at the moment is about letting our teens/children make mistakes in order to help them learn and become stronger. So why don’t we allow ourselves this same opportunity? Parenting is something you can only learn on the job; mistakes will be par for the course. Obviously, we feel the stakes are too high. But are they? Clearly, there are some ‘mistakes’ that do ruin/ harm kids, but I’m not talking about those. I’m talking about the stuff most of us do – yelling when we should listen, creating expectations for our teens based on what we see as the ‘right path/action’, denying our teens their growing independence and differing worldviews, providing our teens with too much independence and autonomous decision making at too early at age, and so the list goes on. We live at the extremities, and constantly question whether we have done too much or too little. We are controlled by ‘What if?’ This is often because the decisions we make are challenged either explicitly through confrontation with our teens, implicitly by their behaviour or (and this is sadly the most powerful) our perception (real or imagined) of society’s judgement. But what if we let go of these for the moment and consider a longer term view? As we age and mature, we tend to reflect more on understanding who we are and how we came to be. We probably all suffered from the very same ‘parental mistakes’ we fear making, but even in the case of extreme mistakes, as adults, only we can be responsible for working through these. In fact, it is the opportunity these situations present that often enables profound growth in ourselves. In the light of this, is our mistake not taking our kids on this path with us? Showing them that the mistakes we feel we were subjected to actually created something worth suffering for – personal growth and learning. Happiness is not an impetus for change – only discomfort can provide that. Hmmm, food for thought isn’t it? So let’s not ‘helicopter parent’ ourselves. We will make mistakes, but when we do, as we scramble to manage our fear, let’s remind ourselves that if we are open to it and encourage and nurture the line of thought I’ve suggested, we are providing an amazing opportunity for our teens to grow. It’s not always easy, but surely worth aiming for. And with that, let’s mark another notch on the tree of our journey in……Exploring Teens.
Mathea
Recently, the mother of two high-voltage teenagers asked me, ‘How do I know if their behaviour is normal?’ This woman is the CFO of a listed company; she is highly educated, intelligent, sophisticated and confident, with a bright personality and a wicked sense of humour — and yet she feels completely helpless and bewildered when faced with the antics of her teens. She is not the only one — not by a long shot. There are many parents out there who, despite doing the best they can, end up confused, exhausted, emotionally drained, and terrified that they are doing the wrong thing. Parenting teens, as they say, is not for sissies! As parents often complain, teenagers don’t come with a handbook. Since Exploring Teens aims to be the next best thing, this month our feature sheds some light on troubled teens. We’ve marshalled the experts to look at some teen behaviour issues, and we’ve asked them to provide practical strategies to help parents deal with complex problems. If I had to distill the essence of this issue into a single message to parents, it would be this — you are not alone. There are parents who share your frustrations, there are experts who can help you, and there are resources to draw upon. There is light at the end of the tunnel, so keep the channels of communication open and don’t give up on your teens or on your relationship with them.
Gillian
EXPLORINGTEENS
EDITOR
PUBLISHER
A U S T R A L I A’ S M A G A Z I N E F O R PA R E N T S O F A D O L E S C E N T S
FROM THE
FROM THE
DEC/ JAN 2015/16 ISSUE SEVEN
Produced and published by Norwest Publishing Pty Ltd Founder/Publisher Mathea Viles ABN 64 167 026 913 PO Box 8149 Baulkham Hills NSW 2153 Editor Gillian Handley Graphic Design Melissa Kallas Print and distribution by Spotpress Pty Ltd Contributors Lynne Allister Samantha Amey Emily Booth Dr Erin Bowe Jan Cameron Dr Michael Carr-Gregg Will Dobud Toula Gordillo Nathan Jacobs Fran Molloy Andre Moore Dr Angela Mornane Associate Professor Lena Sanci Dr Bridie Scott-Parker Gretchen Schmelzer Subscriptions Subscribe online at the Exploring Teens website Website www.exploringteens.com.au Facebook www.facebook.com/exploringteens
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Editorial (including Letters to the Editor) editorial@exploringteens.com.au Advertising advertising@exploringteens.com.au
Check your phone, Mum. This is the third time I've sent you a text, asking you to pass the mashed potatoes.
Disclaimer The views and opinions expressed in Exploring Teens are not necessarily those of the publisher or editorial staff. Exploring Teens provides general information that cannot be regarded as a substitute for any form of professional advice. The accuracy of website addresses cannot be guaranteed at the time of publishing. No part of Exploring Teens can be reproduced in whole or part without the express permission of the publisher.
WWW.EXPLORINGTEENS.COM.AU 3
CONTENTS
This month we explore COMMUNICATION & TROUBLED TEENS
FEATURES
REGULARS
Our ‘Exploring’ features provide depth and insight into issues affecting parents and teens.
5 Have You Heard?
Exploring Communication
6 The letter your teen can’t write Gretchen Schmelzer tells you what your teen really needs you to know. 8 How to Talk to Troubled Teens It’s not always easy to communicate with troubled teens, but we have to keep trying. Associate Professor Lena Sanci has some strategies
Exploring Troubled Teens
7 What to Watch for Dr Michael Carr-Gregg provides a template to determine how your teen is travelling in terms of mental health/wellbeing 10 Managing Extreme Behaviour Dr Erin Bowe explains the need to understand the motivation for change and not just the problem 11 Your Teens Lie and You Dislike Their Friends Dr Angela Mornane has excellent practical advice 15 Adventure Therapy Will Dobud explains the benefits of adventure therapy as a popular form of therapeutic care for adolescents 16 Dealing with Scorpion Behaviour Toula Gordillo has tips on how to cope when your teen seems out of control
12 Your Teen’s World 14 Life with Teens Light at the end of the tunnel Humour Teen types – which one do you have?
Exploring Driving
17 Now That They Have Their Ps… Dr Bridie Scott-Parker, an expert in young novice driver road safety, explains why your job isn’t over once your teen becomes a P-plater
Exploring Gaming
18 What are they Playing? Nathan Jacobs reviews some popular games using his exclusive parent-friendly rating system
YOUR SAY This is what some of our readers had to say: We have existed as an adolescent unit at Westmead for 35 years and it is very pleasing to see such good common sense information being made widely available. It is very impressive. Clinical Professor Simon Clarke, FRACP Medical Director, Adolescent Medicine, Westmead Hospital I found your print magazine and it’s very useful. I want to send the article on Tutoring to my wife. Keep up the great work – the content is definitely filling a gap between reams of information for toddlers/ children and similar copious quantities of info/publications for Uni. Chris
Exploring Books
I am so impressed by the relevance of every article, that I can't fault you. I read everything you publish. Fiona
Exploring Products
I would like to compliment you for publishing such a great magazine for parents of adolescents. I picked up a copy of your August/September issue at our local library and found it particularly commendable that you have so many insightful contributors that give advice regarding mental health issues for teenagers and their parents. Jane
19 What are they Reading? Reviews you can use for an exciting selection of books for teens and parents 20 What Can They Use? Our pick of products to suit the most demanding teen App Reviews
Exploring Activities
21 What can they do? Get your teen up and doing.
Exploring Services
22 Services Directory Some great services for teens and parents
Exploring the Marketplace
23 Exploring the Marketplace Information from our sponsors on products and services that are available to meet your needs
DON'T MISS OUR NEXT ISSUE ON TEENS AND TRANSITIONS. SUBSCRIBE FOR FREE AT WWW.EXPLORINGTEENS.COM.AU 4 EXPLORINGTEENS DECEMBER 2015/JANUARY 2016 • ISSUE 7
I have just discovered your magazine. Definitely needed even though my child is not a teenager yet, the topics apply now. We all have moved on from Sydney Child magazine and I have been looking for something like your magazine. Glenda It's a really great publication and way overdue in the market place. I love that it is very similar to Sydney's Child and I think that continuity of look and feel helps carry through readership from SC to your publication. Anne-Marie
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