HOPE STEPHEN W MyStoryUK “everybody has a story to tell”
YouTube RecoveryChannelUK
MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
Stephen W talking with Simon B at the SCT Charity Shop on Commercial Street in East London October 30 2008.
Simon
So Stephen, very nice to meet you.
Stephen
Nice to meet you.
Simon And . . . um . . . I was wondering if you might be able to tell me a bit about how it is when you go and talk to the teenagers and school kids about addiction and about your experiences. Stephen um . . . When I go to talk to the school kids, I find it very tough. Cos I give everything of my past and some of the future in my talks. The kids are always shocked in what I say especially when I tell ‘em that I’m not here to tell you not to do drugs. Its their freedom of choice.
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MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
I find it very emotional. I often burst into tears and sometimes I read out some of my poems to them. The worst part is when the kids ask me questions, but they are told at the beginning that I may not be strong enough to answer, and they have got to respect me for that. I’ve had some fantastic results with kids. I’ve had a kid’s older brother who used to be a drug dealer, actually stop dealing because he did not realise the harm he was doing to people. He’d seen it just as a business. Lives of kids have been changed. When I talked about my being abused as a child, one girl broke down in tears and said she hated me. I won’t go into the language she used, um, but she is now getting help. Her mother had been beating her up since she could remember. Another girl, just last year, stopped me halfway through my talk, and I said, “If you want to ask something, ask at the end.” She said, “I just want to hug you,” and I turned her life around instantly. (❨Stephen had told me prior to the recorded session that after his talk, this girl wanted to work in Social Work or as a Care Worker)❩ 3
MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
I’d rather not know how I affect the kids cos I have to carry that thought with me. I tell them not only the damage I have done to myself and how lucky I am to be alive and am grateful for every day that I live, now, but also the damage I have done to my family, people I have left to die in the street. Other people’s lives I have wrecked by selling drugs to them, and their families. And its a massive knock on effect. I now realise though, that when you’re ‘stoned’ you don’t care, you don’t even think about it. I have to live with that guilt every day and that is one of the hardest things to deal with, apart from the stuff like the abuse in my childhood. It is also all the stuff that has gone on in between. I still struggle literally day by day, sometimes hour by hour . . . . . . I’ve found an inner strength in a person I didn’t even know existed in me. And I want to say to people, “If you want to change, its not going to be easy. Its going to be the hardest thing you do. If you want to stop taking the booze or the drugs, you’ve got to be really selfish. Don’t do it for anybody else, just do it for your bloody self. 4
MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
Simon Do you mind if I ask you to talk some more about the Chinese girl you spoke of who gave you a hug. Stephen Yer . . . um . . . it was last year as I said earlier, I was half way through the talk and she put her hand up and I respectfully said, “Questions are at the end.” She said, “I don’t want to ask you a question, I just want to get up and hug you.” um . . . I let her do that. Then I had to push her away and I turned round and said to the class, “You see how messed I am, I can’t accept that.” I was shaking, I was in tears. um . . . emotionally I’m still not 100% strong. Say only about 70%. Its took me . . . and I’m still working on it, to accept people’s love and kindness. Cos anyone I’ve let close to me has always massively hurt me, and let me down. that’s one of the things I’m still finding hard. Its getting easier. Its going to take maybe the rest of my life to accept people for what they are and who they are. um . . . I told the kids that she was extremely brave to actually get up and hug me and they should respect her for that.
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MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
At the same time . . .yes . . . I had to put that to the kids, that yes, that’s what drugs do to you. They don’t just mess your body up, they mess your mind up, they mess your spirit up. They mess . . . . it messes you up totally and . . . . even now as I’m talking I s s s . . . . I’m shaking and I’ve got that coldness inside . . . and that lump in the throat . . . I . . . I could just burst into tears . . . . um . . . . . . . . Considering my 36 year heroin addiction, why on earth does anybody want to care for me? And I still think that. And everyone says that, you know, I’m special, they love me . . . that’s hard . . . . . its hard. So come on people . . . . . it gets easier day by day, second by second, but its no easy walk. Stopping is easy. Dealing with what made you start in the first place is not . . . and . . . . um . . . . I think I’ll finish here. END 6
MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
POEMS HOPE 8 I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO 9 NO RETUNS (❨ASKED BY JESUS)❩ 10 A HAPPY MAN 12 THE SUN WITH WARMTH 13
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MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
HOPE LISTEN TO ME ONE AND ALL NOW I AM WISE NO MORE A FOOL. FOR THERE IS HOPE, JOY AND LOVE TO BE FOUND IF YOU JUST OPEN YOUR HEART AND EYES AND LOOK AROUND. NO MORE FOR US ALL A HEAVY HEART OR SAD FACE LEARN TO WALK WITH A SPRING IN YOUR STEP AND HOPE IN ITS PLACE. SO AS YOU WALK AROUND WITH A SMILE AND TWINKLE IN YOUR EYE PEOPLE IN THE STREET WILL RESPOND, SO GIVE IT A TRY. NICE NEW FRIENDS YOU MAY FIND WHEN YOU GO OUT WITH TRUE HAPPINESS IN YOUR MIND. GO ON, BE BOLD BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE FOR YOU MAY FIND SOMEONE TO TAKE ON A SPECIAL DATE. YOU MAY FIND TRUE LOVE OR MAYBE NOT BUT IF YOU STAY FRIENDS WHAT HAVE YOU LOST? NOT A JOT.
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MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR WHAT TO SAY TO YOU FOR I AM LIKE A STRANGER IN THIS PLACE JUST TOO SHY AND AWKWARD TO LOOK YOU IN THE FACE. TO TALK WITH YOU WOULD BE SO FINE BUT I DON’T WANT IT TO SOUND LIKE A CHAT UP LINE. SO THE ONLY WAY I CAN BE REAL IS TO WRITE DOWN HOW I FEEL. THEN IF I READ IT OUT TO YOU YOU WILL KNOW IT’S REALLY TRUE.
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MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
NO RETURNS (❨ASKED BY JESUS)❩ WHEN TIMES OF DOUBT AND FEAR DO CREEP IN DO NOT BE TEMPTED TO HIDE FROM YOUR FEELINGS. EVEN IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO LOCK YOURSELF AWAY GO AND BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST FOR HELP. FIND IN A SPECIAL FRIEND THE WAY TO END YOUR PAIN, A TRUE MATE WHO WILL NOT JUDGE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE NOR TELL OTHERS WHAT YOU SAY, A PERSON WHO WILL NOT SHOW PITY BUT GIVE A HELPING HAND, A LOVING SOUL WITH COMPASSION WHEN YOU NEED TO CRY. THERE IS ONE OUT THERE ALWAYS FOR YOU TO GIVE A HAND UP WHEN YOU ARE DOWN, TO BE A BEACON OF LIGHT IN YOUR DARKNESS.
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MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
SO DON’T BE TOO SHY OR SCARED TO ASK FOR AN EAR TO LISTEN WHEN YOU NEED TO TALK PROBLEMS CAN BE HALVED WHEN SHARED. THERE WILL BE NO DEBT OWED TO THE ONE WHO PUTS LOVE AND JOY BACK IN YOUR HEART. BUT JUST REMEMBER WHEN YOU’RE BACK ON YOUR FEET WHEN ANOTHER PERSON IS FEELING DOWN, IT JUST MIGHT BE YOU THAT BROKEN SOUL WILL NEED. FOR ALL THIS I KNOW IS TRUE AND NOT A LIE. TO THOSE WHO ARE LOST, I WILL BE THERE FOR YOUR RECOVERY AND HOPE. SO I SAY, “THANK YOU TO ALL WHO HAVE STOOD BY ME.” BUT WILL NOT ASK FOR THANKS FROM THOSE WHO NEEDED HELP.
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MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
A HAPPY MAN OH HOW I THANK YOU, FOR MAKING ME A HAPPY MAN AS I WALK THIS EARTH, I KNOW FOR ME THERE IS A PLAN. IT’S NOT WITH FOOLISH PRIDE THAT I WALK TALL AROUND THE PLACES WHERE I USED TO CRAWL. I CAN NOW FACE THINGS LIKE ANGER, SADNESS, REGRET, JOY. ALL THESE THINGS IN MY PAST I LET SLIP BY. AS I LEARN TO BECOME FOR ONCE WHOLE AND REAL THE THINGS THAT LIFE CAN BRING I MUST FEEL. NOW I AM READY TO DEAL WITH LIFE WITHOUT A DOUBT TO SIT WITH STUFF AND THEN SORT IT OUT. LISTEN TO ME I SAY, IT’S TIME YOU STOPPED RUNNING AWAY TAKE THE CHANCE YOU HAVE TODAY BECAUSE FROM YOURSELF YOU CAN’T GET AWAY. SO IF YOU FEEL IT’S TOO LATE STICK IT OUT AND YOU’LL FEEL GREAT.
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MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
THE SUN WITH WARMTH THE SUN WITH WARMTH IN THE SKY DOES SHINE SO LET’S GIVE THANKS AS IT WILL SOON BE SUMMERTIME. BIRDS ARE SINGING AS THEY FLY SMILING FACES PASS ON BY THE COLD DARK WINTER’S GONE IT’S TRUE BUT WE SHOULD GIVE THANKS FOR IT TOO. SO LET’S USE WINTER’S DARK AND SUMMER’S LIGHT TO SHOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT’S WRONG AND RIGHT. DO WE WISH TO BE LIKE WINTERS DARK WITH WARM FEELINGS GONE OR LIKE A SUMMERS DAY FULL OF HOPE, PEACE, LOVE, REBIRTH AND JOYFUL SONG. SO AS NIGHT IS TO DAY AND DAY IS TO NIGHT WE CAN USE IT TO SHOW THAT WE CAN SHED THE GLOOM INSIDE AND THEN SHINE BRIGHT. LIKE THE BIRDS, LET YOUR HEART START TO SING THEN START TO GROW LIKE FLOWERS IN SPRING. SO WE MUST GO OUT WITHOUT A CARE TO SPREAD PEACE AND LOVE EVERYWHERE. 13
MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
Published by MyStoryUK Poems by Stephen 2006/07/08 (❨Charity Shop)❩ interview and photos SimonB design RodB the Spitalfields Crypt Trust www.sct.org.uk and the New Hanbury Project 020 7613 5636 3 Calvert Avenue London E2 7JP paper December 2008 online ISSUU November 2012 RecoveryChannelUK@gmail.com
lots of short films on YouTube RecoveryChannelUK online books at ISSUU MyStoryUK
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MyStoryUK StephenW “HOPE”
Feel free to share these heartwarming poems with your family and friends. For paper copies please contact Spitalfields Crypt Trust Janice Taylor 020 7613 5677 janice.taylor@sct.org.uk 116 - 118 Shoreditch High Street London E1 6JN.
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