Forgive Me

Photography - Third Place Visual V Merritt

Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA

1-800-230-PLAN, Conversation with my Gynecologist after my Third Miscarriage

Experimental Halsey Hyer

Miami, Florida, USA

I’m alone on a makeshift bench, four cinder blocks (two on each side) supporting a 2x8 plank in front of a red brick fire pit in [redacted]’s front yard. Lining the yard are broken TV’s drawn on with white Markals: one I’ve done, a drawing of a “wild” goose paired with that famous Mary O. quote, “You do not have to be good.” I hold my iPhone in my hand & dial 1-800-230-PLAN into the digital keypad.

[AUTOMATED SYSTEM]: Thank you for calling Planned Parenthood! Para continuar en Español oprima el dos.

To help us connect you to the Planned Parenthood center in your area, please enter a five-digit zip code for the area you are interested in. I press 2. generic-brand Early Result) provide evaporation lines more often than pink dye (First Response Test & Confirm Pregnancy Test)—I decide to get both.

All services at Planned Parenthood are confidential. We look forward to assisting you as soon as possible. All calls could be monitored and recorded.

The line rings only once.

I dial 15224.

Please hold, and you will be transferred to the Planned Parenthood center nearest to you. Thank you!

[WESTERN PA PLANNED PARENTHOOD RECORDED MESSAGE]:

This recording is for Monday, February 24, 2020 to Monday, March 2, 2020. Thank you for calling Planned Parenthood of Western Pennsylvania. If you have a medical emergency, please press nine. If you know your party’s extension, you may dial it at any time. You can make an appointment online at ppwp.org, that’s ppwp. org. Please note that abortion services are only provided at the Pittsburgh location.

[AUTOMATED SYSTEM]:

To speak to someone about abortion services, press 2. To speak to someone about an appointment for birth control, an exam, or emergency consu—

Down Euler Way I go, toward the CVS on Forbes Ave, passing a sparrow pecking at the mounds of tied-off plastic bags in the overflow of some Fifth Ave restaurant dumpster. My white knuckles tucked in the pockets of my green canvas jacket, I jaywalk across Forbes Ave, darting through the flow of the four lane one way rush hour traffic and through the automated bi-fold doors of the pharmacy. I know how to get to the end of this maze: turn left and go down the middle aisle and turn right, then immediately left. The sign overhead: FAMILY PLANNNG. I read online that the blue dye tests (CVS 123

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: Thank you for calling Planned Parenthood. This is Krystal, how can I help you?

[ME]: Hi—um, I’m just calling to see if you’d be able to provide me with some information about abortion services?

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: All right, I can help with that. Uh, what kind of, do you have specific questions, or do you want a general overview of our services?

[ME]: Um, I have specific questions.

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: Mhm, what are your questions?

[ME]: Um, so—basically, I was curious about how much abortions cost outside of, outside of insurance, and then typically with insurance.

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: So, outside of insurance coverage is $435 if you’re under twelve weeks. Now, insurance is really all over the place because some insurances cover full, some cover partial, and many don’t cover at all.

[ME]: Right.

I don’t want to see the same cashier who’s seen me buy several boxes (at least five) in the last six months. I don’t want to read: Hello, how can I help? ANITA Management Team Member CVS Pharmacy on her name tag pinned to her blood red t-shirt. I don’t want to hear the beep! as she glides the cellophane wrapped box’s barcode across the infrared and says, “$38.27” in that I-just-started-my-shift-butI’ll-be-damned-if-I-got-to-talk-in-that-highpitch-customer-service-register-until-midnight kind of voice. I always imagine her wondering (anticipating, even) when I’ll come in maternity jeans and an oversized tee, with some make-believe partner she’s dreamed up for me, perusing the aisles with my hands clasped over my rounded-out belly, purchasing the Snickers and Pepperoni Hot Pockets to satisfy my cravings. I shove the tests in my backpack and walk out.

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: So, um, it’s a little bit difficult to say how much they cover when they do—so, I can’t really answer that more specifically because it, it’s just varies so much, but it is $435 before 12 weeks.

[ME]: Okay, and then um, if I tell you a specific insurance plan are you able to give me like a, general ballpark of whether or not you think it would cover it?

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: Mm, yes I can do my best. Sometimes, you know, I, the answer might be, I don’t know until we call. But, yeah, let me know the name of your insurance.

[ME]: Right—it’s uh, Cigna.

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: Is it through the state, an employer, or a family member?

[ME]: Oh, a family member.

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: Mm. Okay, so that’s one of the ones we wouldn’t know until we called.

[ME]: Okay, uh—

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: We wouldn’t really know until we called

[ME]: And then, my other question is, is if you were to contact the insurance company, would it appear, like would the person who has the insurance be able to see that Planned Parenthood was inquiring with the insurance company about abortion services?

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: For an inquiry, no. For billing, there—it really depends on the company, because some insurance companies don’t name the service. They just put a code and others do. But inquiries, no they would not be notified if we inquired.

[ME]: Okay, perfect—

On the 71A bus everyone happens all at once: A woman stands, one hand on the metal rail attached to the ceiling, a pink hijab worn on her head and a biology book in her hand, mouthing words to herself with intermittent pauses as if she was reciting them again in her head; an old couple in matching 2017 Pittsburgh Marathon t-shirts bicker over whether Danny DeVito is married to Dee from It’s Always Sunny or the waitress from Cheers. A ten-year-old boy in a catholic school uniform plays his Nintendo Switch. A man in a pinstriped suit and leather briefcase, Air Jordans with red accents to complete the outfit talks on his iPhone. My body sways into sickness—passengers pressed

up against me with nowhere to move, nowhere to puke. I swallow. The pregnancy tests tucked into my JanSport backpack between chapbooks and loose papers. Once the bus makes it past Craig St and down Centre Ave, its metal body begins to clear out the way I hope my body doesn’t have to.

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: There’s no harm in looking into it, it’s billing where they might be notified.

[ME]: Okay, that’s totally good. I did have one other question, so let’s say I were to pursue—this, what is the process of, you know, getting an abortion, like from me having this phone call, to the end—if I were to go with not the pill, but with the actual procedure.

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: Okay—so, all you need in order to schedule an abortion appointment is to report a positive pregnancy test. You just need to report that you had one. We would use the first day of your last period to get an estimate of how far along you are—do you happen to know the first day of your last period?

[ME]: Not at all, no.

I take a switchblade to the cellophane of the First Response Test & Confirm Pregnancy Test box and tear off its glued flaps. The contents lay on the linoleum tile floor of my S Negley Ave third floor walkup bathroom: one pink dye test, one digital test, the insert with English and Spanish instructions. I know the drill: sit on the toilet and get into position; remove the plastic cap from the tip of the test; begin pissing; midstream, dip the tip of the test in for five Mississippi-seconds; place the plastic cap back on the tip of the test; place on a flat surface; set a timer for two minutes; chug a glass of water; repeat as many times as you need. I hold the test up to the light fixture to embolden the results: there is no missing that baby pink line.

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: Okay, so if you weren’t sure, like let’s say you have an irregular period or you just really did not remember we would do an ultrasound ahead of time. But if you know, or you could figure it out, then we would use that to get an estimate. You would schedule for two appointments. You would schedule for the appointment to come in and receive the service, and you would also need to schedule for a phone call appointment with our doctor, because in Pennsylvania there is a law that says you need to speak with one of our doctors at least twenty-four hours before your appointment in order for you to be seen by a doctor. So, you would schedule a phone appointment with a doctor, and you would schedule an appointment to receive the service. The day that you came in to receive the service, uh you would have an ultrasound first, and then you would do pre-procedure charting and vitals. The appointment would be about three to four hours. The procedure itself is only about five to eight minutes. You would receive 800mg of ibuprofen and local numbing medication on the cervix, and afterwards you’d be in the recovery room for about twenty-five minutes. And for the in-clinic, there is no follow-up required because there’s really no failure rate. So, you would just have some bleeding and cramping for a few days—maybe a week or two, and then you would get a normal period in about four to six weeks.

[ME]: Okay—this has all been really helpful—and I—I think that—I think that, yeah, I’m just gonna talk things over and then maybe give you all a call back. So, thank you so much for all of the information, I really appreciate your time.

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: Yeah! Our phone lines are open until four today.

[ME]: Okay, thank you. All right, byebye.

[PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPERATOR]: Take care now.

So—uh, [deadname], what brings you in today?

I’m here because I had an abortion scheduled at Planned Parenthood, but I had my phone call appointment with their doctor & she told me if I have fever or pain or bleeding to go in so I did. I was seen last week in Magee’s Women Hospital’s Emergency room, they told me to follow up with my OBGYN.

Your OBGYN? Have you seen me before?

You’ve been my doctor for three years— How many sexual partners do you have?

Are they men, women, or both?

Have you been pregnant before? a macro dose of vitamin D, Zyrtec at night for allergies.

Three.

This is my third miscarriage in the last six months.

—oh, yes, that’s right. Tell me, when you went in, why did you go to Magee UPMC, instead of with us at West Penn AHN?

West Penn was too far, I was in Oakland when I bled through my favorite baby blue jeans when my fever spiked, I was doubled over in the bathroom of Noodles & Co. I didn’t want to pay for the ambulance fee. I didn’t want to pay an Uber driver the fee to clean my miscarriage blood off their back seat. I figured you’d still be able to pull up my records because you had me sign a form last time. Third? Why is this the first time you’re seeing me about this? Did you use protection, are you trying to conceive?

I told my partner to use a condom but they didn’t. I told them to pull out but they didn’t— I’ve seen you before about this. I’m not trying to conceive, no.

No? I see here on your chart that you stopped taking Tri-Sprintec early last summer, then your PCP prescribed it again around Xmas time. When did you see me?

Last time? Let me pull up your chart. Let’s just go over some things: what medications are you taking? I called the office early last summer— the six-month script you wrote me expired the receptionist said you refused to re-prescribe without seeing me first. I explained I’d be out of state for several months and I wouldn’t be available to come in until fall. I begged her