Words of Wisdom Personal Advice by Jake Whetstone
Dear Jake, My son and I have nothing in common other than sports. I truly wish to get to know him better, but I am not sure how. Do you have any suggestions that could help bring a father and son together? -‐Generation gap in Georgia
Dear Gap, While it may seem that you have nothing in common with your son, your concession that you both share a mutual interest in sports holds the key to salvaging a relationship with the young man while he is still in the developmental stage of life as a man. Sports are often a safe way for men to bond, regardless of their age and temperament. The timeless themes of sport and competition appeal to a sense of primal masculinity that exists in men. Sport also has the power to break down social barriers between men, for example the communication of feelings. In an article published in Hypatia Journal, a publication known for examining how men and women exist along gender lines, Robert Strikwerda and Larry May contend that “Male friendships often mirror the relationships between very young children who engage in 'parallel play'. These children want to be close to one another in the sandbox, for example, but they just move the sand around without sharing or helping and usually without hurting one
another. They don’t really interact with each other, the merely play side-‐by-‐side-‐ hence the term parallel play” (112). This point about proximity is evident in how adult males interact. Take for example how men interact in watching sports. Strikwerda and May use an analogy in which two men are watching a sporting event in silence, with only a few comments between the two breaking the tension. Strikwerda and May maintain that this is an adult example of parallel play and is a crucial step to a form of male bonding known as comradeship. While this may seem like a poor way to become closer to your son, it should be seen as the first of a series of steps to help bridge the gap between father and son. By viewing sports with your son, it allows for spontaneous conversations to arise. For example, a lull in a baseball game would allow you time to ask your son about what kinds of things they are learning in school, what types of things he is into, etc. and would thus begin to open up the lines of communication between you. I have personal experience with this. When I was younger, I often attended auto races with my father. The time spent in the car, tailgating, and in the stands allowed for ample time for these conversations to occur. A good technique is show interest in what your son likes by asking him to clarify or describe material which you might find difficult. This would show that you are paying attention and have a keen interest in what makes your son happy. The mutual interest in sports provides a great starting point for bonding in other ways as
well. The links between generations and fan allegiances is well known. If you and your son cheer for the same team, it is likely that a deeper bond exists between you two than initially noticed. According to Strikwerda and May, “Genuine intimacy involves a deep or intense mutual knowledge that allows participants to grow in both self-‐understanding and in understanding of others” (115). What this means is that in order to truly know your son, you must also known yourself. This is where common allegiances would be a good way of gauging the connection between both of you. A mutual allegiance to root for a sports team is a clear indication of an underlying bond between you, whereas rooting for two rival teams could be a warning sign of trouble ahead. The best advice I have for you would be to take your son to a sporting event of which you both have an interest in and let the conversations happen organically. If the conversation feels forced, you may end up pushing him away, rather than strengthening the bond between you. In allowing the conversation to flow naturally, the likelihood of eliciting a positive response to the question increases. With success, the event could register a positive memory for father and son, one which you will treasure as long as you live. Best Wishes, Jake Strikwerda, Robert A., and Larry May. "Male friendship and intimacy." Hypatia 7.3 (1992): 110-‐125.