Foot Cookie

Foot Cookie Issue #1 | June 2013

2

Foot Cookie Issue #1

Prison Birthday

Fritos & Burritos

What the fuck is a foot cookie? Find out about our titular treat.

What to serve your South-Of-TheBorder brothers on the inside.

p4

p18

Creamer Cookie

Red Spread

The great Prison Bake-Off.

Blondes don’t always have more fun...

p12

p26

3

CAKE CAKE CAKE How to survive a birthday on the inside...

Maybe you’re facing a long stretch, maybe you did something real, real bad, or just maybe you got unlucky and you’re in for a short stretch but it just happens to fall on that fateful day that you escaped your mother’s womb. Which ever it is, you’re looking at that mythical beast: A prison birthday.

Prison isn’t much like how the media portrays it, so unlike the punch line of the joke; you’re not going to get a tube of KY wrapped up in a bow. Prison probably draws more parallels to school than anything else, only this time you really, really, want to be in the cool crowd.

Maybe your bunk mate will make you a card, or promise to not shank you that day, but most likely you’ll make a few friends and acquaintances and you guys need a distraction from the tedious reality that is prison life.

While not exactly grand pâtissiers, prisoners can knock up something to satisfy the sweet tooth if the occasion calls for it. Ranging from the remarkably simple to the as-complex-as-prison-gets; here’s a few "cakes" you can whip up for your prison birthday.

An iteration of a "Foot Cookie," though in prison the recipe calls for two Honey Buns and not one, making a foot-long cake that can be divvied up along the cell block. Made from the commissary candies, the recipe calls for two Honey Buns —a sickly sweet prepackaged cake— coated in a melted Hershey bar and topped with crushed M&Ms. This one stands as a contender for one of the most delicious things you’ll eat in prison.

8

Foot Cookie has a peculiar nomenclature, in that depending on who you ask, it’s called a foot cookie for one of two reasons.

The first is from the unit of measurement; two Honey Buns squashed together, topped with melted chocolate, peanut butter, and crushed M&Ms; the length of which is equal to "one foot of diabetes" according to one member of PrisonTalk.

The second is from the act of smushing the cookie down with your foot. [Pictured] You warm a Snickers bar in your hands and then lay it on the cold, uncompromising, concrete floor of your cell. Put all your weight on one foot, and steam roll that thing until it’s less than a cm thick.

Snap it in half, and lay the pieces next to each other on an upturned cookie. The recipe calls for "Grandma’s" brand, but cookies from a supermarket bakery will do fine. Warm them in an oven —or whatever you have in your cell— to make them more malleable. Then wrap it in anything you’ve got to hand then squash it under your foot again. Voilà, Foot Cookie.

9

This recipe is by far the most ‘Martha Stewart’ of the bunch, in that it requires preparation and something resembling a batter.

Start by bisecting some Oreos or similar creme-filled cookie, and separate the biscuit from the creme.

Pound the biscuit halves into dust, just like the bones of your enemies!

Mix the cookie crumbs with a small amount of water until it resembles batter and layer it in a container until it ‘sets.’

To create the icing, use the creme from the cookies and microwave it until it resembles some kind of hideous bodily discharge and wait for it to set.

Out of all the unappealing jail food we’ve covered here, the end result of this one was the most disturbing of all. The cake was giving off a fetid sugary smell, like a dumpster on a sunny day, and as the batter never quite ‘set’, the whole thing looked something a mother bird might have regurgitated for her young.

10

PRISON BAKE Rumour has it you can bake a cookie from scratch in your cell using nothing more than some Coffee Mate, some hot chocolate, and a lighter. We set out to test the veracity of these claims.

First you make the mixture of about two thirds hot chocolate, and one third creamer and stir it up real good.

Here is where the theory comes into play, and a little bit of transatlantic tweaking.. In a state prison the hot chocolate comes in a foil packet wrapped in a less glossy paper. Pour your freshly mixed powder back into the sachet and grab a lighter.

Make sure no prison screws are watching you, then set fire to that thing. Seeing as we’re not convicts (at least not right now) we decided to set fire to our creamer cookie in a well ventilated area.

The damn thing wouldn’t catch light, so we improvised with some kitchen roll and lit that baby up.

The thing turned out to be a total damp squib and I’m pretty sure the neighbours thought we were cooking drugs so we took the fight indoors. Emptying the powder into some foil, we wanted to see if it was even possible to create any kind of solid cookie-thing or if this was another jail legend.

We overbaked [read: burned] ours, but it is none-the-less a possible feat.

12

13

16

17

ENCARCELADO Burritos, Doritos and Fritos; what to cook for your South-of-the-border brothers

Noodle Roll-Up #1

As with most prison cuisine, this recipe starts with a healthy dose of ramen noodles. Start by covering the plain ramen with water, then microwaving it on full power for three minutes, or until the water has been absorbed by the noodles.

#2

Add the flavour sachet from the ramen, and some processed cheese. Squeeze cheese, Velveeta and any other cheese with a low melting point works well. Here we used one slice of American cheese.

#3

Cover the bowl and leave to settle for as long as your stomach can stand., Then add sliced spicy dill pickle, or a mix of jarred jalapeños and regular dill pickles.. Mix thoroughly.

#4

If you’re in one of those fancy prisons that trusts you enough not to brew hooch out of tortillas, wrap it in one of them and have yourself a good old-fashioned noodle roll-up. If you’re not in one of those fancy prisons that allows you yeasty goods, just eat it out of the bowl and deal with it.

21

Jailhouse Tamale #1

The base of this non-ramen dish is the humble Frito, a corn chip with remarkably few ingredients; similar to an actual tamale; a steamed cornmeal dumpling traditional to Mexico.

#2

Take your Fritos and crush them until they resemble something similar to Masa — a coarse cornmeal used for making a regular, run-of-themill, non-jail tamale.

#3

Open some ‘Flamin’ Hot’ Cheetos and mash them into your Frito-meal to add a spicy kick and a painfully unnatural hue. Then add a small amount of boiling water to the mix and shape with your hands.

#4

As with traditional tamales, you can ‘stuff’ them with a filling of your choice. We used a slice of American cheese right down the middle, though you could use a Slim Jim (Pepperami) or anything else you can smuggle out of the canteen.

#5

Once your tamale is set and resembles something akin to a demon turd you’re ready to go. Enjoy it, with the sobering thought that it is probably going to look the same on the way out as it did on the way in.

22

Dorito Burrito

#1

Combine a package of ramen noodles with a pack of nacho cheese flavoured corn chips and crumble them up as best you can.

#2 #3

Add a package of nacho cheese to the crumbs.

Use a few American cheese slices or a cheese dip if you’re not stateside.

Use either boiling water or chopped tomatoes (the kind with chilli if possible) heated in the microwave and add it to the mixture. Stir until thoroughly combined, then wrap the mixture in newspapers or a towel, and leave to ‘cook.’

24

#4

Let the parcel cook for around 30 minutes, or until soft and gooey, add more water/tomatoes if needed. Once it resembles a bowel-destroying brick, it’s done. The corn chips don’t completely dissolve and the texture resembles that of a slightly undercooked onion, fooling the brain into thinking it’s eating something much more savoury than this tangy block of pain.

25

blonde on red Shows of wealth in prison might not be as audacious as those on the outside but, they’re still altogether possible. From who has the most mackerel to who still manages to rock a pair of Nikes on their feet behind bars; the signs are there if you know what to look for.

It’s even possible to judge a man by the colour of his spread. "Chef BamBam" —a prisoner in San Francisco County Jail— knows that if you are going to do your spread right you have to use Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

"If you intend to bring the heat and get your product the proper hue of ‘red spread red’ you must go the extra mile and use only Fire Hot Cheetos" Flamin’ Hot Cheetos —an unnaturally bright red corn snack notorious in American schools for turning the children’s stools red— are a necessary staple in prison if you want to show you’re "being taken care of" on the outside; be it your wife, your family or your "club."

If you’re not in the club, your spreads are "blond" — a colourless ramen mush, and Chef BamBam takes that as an indication that you’re "just not ready to eat at the big boys’ table yet."

Chef BamBam’s quotes from: Breaking Bread with a Spread in a San Francisco County Jail, by Sandra Cate, first appeared in Gastronomica: The Journal of Food and Culture, Vol. 8, No. 3 (Summer 2008)