YOUR 6 WEEK COUNT DOWN TO WELLNESS THIS CHRISTMAS CREATING NEW TRADITIONS AS A SINGLE PARENT FAMILY
REMEMBER THAT SLEEP THING? Managing sleep deprivation with Channel 10’s Leanne Hall
JULES ALLEN
ON BEING A SINGLE MUM WITH FOUR TEENAGERS
the e-magazine for any mum flying solo www.liftmagazine.com.au | 1
heart if your
has been BROKEN INTO LITTLE PIECEs,
rearrange them into a
beautiful
mosaic Jill Marcy
The 365 Day Sanctuary is Lift Magazine’s private Facebook group where you can come to recover, seek advice and meet women who have been where you are now. If you’d like to join us, email naomi@liftmagazine.com.au
the 365 day for solo mums
ABOUT LIFT
Lift Magazine is for the mother who can never be broken. The mother who could get knocked down a thousand times but will keep getting up. Every. Single. Time. She is strong, she is resilient. She wears a thousand hats and deftly juggles her role of mother, friend, career woman, chef, entertainer, comforter, chief snot wiper, educator and funny little teapot... Although, she often forgets to give herself enough credit for all she does. Yet she does it and she does it solo, a quiet determination upon her face, her battle cry ‘I will not be defeated’ hidden not far below the surface of her cool, calm exterior. But at night, as she turns out the lights and kisses her dear ones upon their tiny brows, she may feel a weight upon her shoulders, the pressure of being a good mum, of being the one who fixes everything and the one who says it’s going to be alright even though she has no idea if it really will be. Lift is the online magazine and support group for single mums. We’re here when you need a lift, we’re here when you feel like you want to give up, we’re here when you need new ideas because your brain is drowning in a fog of sleep deprivation, and we’re here when you need a coffee and a conversation. You may be flying solo, but you are definitely not alone. And you are fabulous. www.liftmagazine.com.au | 3
contents 20
CO-PARENTING & CHRISTMAS
MAKE CHRISTMAS FIT YOUR BUDGET
24 ONLINE SHOPPING GIFT GUIDE
32
AN INTERVIEW WITH JULES ALLEN
14
COFFEE & A CONVO
50 CREATING NEW CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS
28
QUICK HOLIDAY READS REVIEWED
41
38 YOUR 6 WEEK COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS WELLNESS
SLEEP DEBT AND WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT
30
10
A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR CHRISTMAS CAN PROVIDE SINGLE MUMS WITH THE UNIQUEST OF CHALLENGES...
The need to magically pull even more time out of your butt than you do already, the promise of futile christmas shopping with children in tow where you finally make it home alive only to find the new socks you bought your dad are squooshed in the bottom of the pram amongst a gooey mess of what seems to be half chewed chocolate, even though you didn’t give the children any chocolate. Then there’s logistical chicanes with ex-partners, maybe even one or two uncomfortable family situations, a bit of tongue biting and the need for a glass of wine all before Santa’s delivered the presents (and while we’re on the topic of Santa, do the kids now get one present from Santa or two?), but it’s all ok, in our very first real online magazine issue we’ve put together an online shopping guide to make buying presents easier, a Christmas budget planner you can print and stick straight to your fridge, tips to handle tough situations with your ex, remedies to combat sleeplessness and perhaps even a treat or two just for you... Yes you. Remember you? It’s your Christmas too.
Naomi
CONTRIBUTORS NAOMI GORA Lift editor / Graphic designer / Trekker / Single mum After documenting her bumpy landing into single motherhood in her award-winning daily blog ‘365 Days, a Diary of a Newly Single Mum’, Naomi decided to start Lift e-magazine and support group as a place where newly single mums can find hope and empowerment as they journey into this transformational new phase of their lives.
LEANNE HALL Psychologist / Personal Trainer / Self confessed health nut Leanne was at the end of her Masters degree in Clinical Psychology when she gave birth to her first child. 3 years later, she became a single working mum. Today, she is married with 2 children, consults as a Clinical Psychologist and Personal Trainer and is the Mind & Body Expert on Network 10’s the Living Room and Studio 10.
RHIANNON COLAROSSI Founder of The Wellbeing Web Rhiannon is a life and wellbeing coach who inspires women to nurture their every day wellbeing. She believes that when we truly appreciate, value and nurture ourselves, we function at our best and everyone in our life flourishes as a result.
NAOMI DOUGLAS Mediator / Founder of CoParenting Australia Naomi has 3 children, was married for nineteen years and has been separated/divorced for seven. After a traumatic divorce she spent years researching what happened to her and now protects others from experiencing similar hardship. You can access a free coparenting makeover through her website.
CONTRIBUTORS CARMEL MCCARTIN Founder of Budget Bitch Pty Ltd Carmel founded Budget Bitch in 2007 after working as a mortgage broker and seeing that the reason people continued to borrow money was because they didn’t know how to budget. Apart from teaching people how to manage their money, she has written four books including Money Tips from the Budget Bitch and 1001 Budget Tips.
MEGAN BRANDL Human resources professional / Former single mum Megan is a part-time Human Resources professional and full-time Mum to her 3-year-old son. In her spare time she defends the English language, gets out into nature and bores people with her extensive knowledge of work health and safety. She lives near the ocean and feels extremely fortunate to do so.
INGRID NICHOLSON Teacher / Chocoholic / Single mum Ingrid is an Early Childhood and Special Education Teacher, as well as single mum to two young children. When she is not taking in the outdoors with her little people, Ingrid enjoys spending time with friends for a good movie and delicious food. Her guilty pleasures are chocolate and shopping.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH AND WHAT OTHERS HAVE PUT YOU THROUGH, YOU ARE STILL YOU. TO EMBRACE HAPPINESS, TO FIND YOUR PASSION, AND TO LOVE YOURSELF, REMEMBER THESE THINGS WERE NEVER TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU. NOTHING CAN STOP YOU FROM REDISCOVERING YOURSELF. THE GREATEST JOURNEY ALWAYS BEGINS WITH YOU...
- Dodinsky, author of ‘In the Garden of Thoughts’ www.liftmagazine.com.au | 9
YOUR 6 WEEK COUNT DOWN TO CHRISTMAS WELLNESS You are the one who sets the tone for your family and the energy that emanates through your home. When you decide to prioritise your everyday wellbeing, you will create a beautiful ripple effect of positivity affecting all those in your care. By Rhiannon Colarossi
WE KNOW HOW EASY IT IS TO PUT OURSELVES LAST ON OUR DAILY TO-DO LIST, SO IN THE LEAD UP TO THE BUSY CHRISTMAS PERIOD, I’VE PUT TOGETHER MY MOST POWERFUL YET PRACTICAL STRATEGIES FOR YOU TO TRY EACH WEEK. WITH JUST A FEW CONSCIOUS DECISIONS TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST EACH DAY, EVEN FOR A MOMENT, YOU CAN GREATLY IMPACT HOW THE HOLIDAY SEASON UNFOLDS FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
Week 1
Create a Christmas mantra Decide in advance how you wish to feel this Christmas period, then set an intention for it in the form of a mantra. Write out your mantra, pop it under your pillow and say it as you wake in the morning and as you go to sleep each night. For example, “I move through the Christmas period with calm and ease” or “I lovingly nurture my wellbeing each day”.
Week 2
Enjoy home pampering sessions Make time to rejuvenate by soaking in a bath. Light a candle and pop on some soft Christmas music (Michael Buble’s Christmas album is one of my favourites), apply some
hand cream, sort through your make up stash to find your favourite holiday season colours or just soak your feet in a warm tub for 10 minutes in the evening. Setting aside this time for yourself affirms your value and reiterates that you do matter. It’s ok to value you – you deserve to be on your priority list and by giving yourself this special time, you nourish your wellbeing.
Week 3
Treasure your time Be open to accepting offers of assistance this week. Take up opportunities that you feel would be beneficial to you and your family. It can be a natural reaction to say no but by saying yes, you can give yourself more time, flexibility and rest. Reflect on your Christmas catch ups, events and invitations. Decide to say no to all
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events that do not excite you or that are not completely necessary. Having a jam-packed schedule can increase stress and cause you to feel more drained. Choosing to attend the optional events which you are enthusiastic about will ensure you have more energy and make it easier to navigate the get-togethers that you must attend.
Week 4 Talk to yourself with kindness When brushing your teeth, look into the mirror and give yourself a compliment, such as,“I love you” or “I’m doing the best I can”. This may feel strange at first but it’s such a powerful practice. Be conscious of your inner chat and talk to yourself like you would to a good friend.
Week 5
Grant yourself permission to have fun Sometimes we forget that we are actually allowed to enjoy our lives, however with so much responsibility, fun can fall by the wayside, especially during Christmas. Create time this December for fun and priortise play. Think about what you loved to do as a child, maybe it was painting, puzzles or even cloud watching, and commit to incorporating it into your Christmas schedule.
When you enjoy your life by consciously creating fun pockets amidst the chaos of Christmas, not only do you thrive but so does your family. Fun is an essential element in maintaining high wellbeing this Christmas period.
Week 6
Adopt a forgiveness mind-set Decide to forgive yourself and everyone else this Christmas period. Begin with giving yourself a break for past mistakes. We can be so hard on ourselves and by just being less critical of our past choices, we can boost our Christmas wellbeing. Choosing to forgive others unconditionally also lifts your wellbeing to new heights. This can be made easier by remembering that if just because you forgive, it doesn’t mean you condone. By letting go of things that upset us and embracing forgiveness, we free up our precious time and energy to focus on people who are really important, including ourselves. Forgiveness is always a win-win situation. Good luck! And remember that every little wellbeing-infused action you take will make a huge difference. It will manifest in the way you feel, in your decision making and in the quality of the relationships you have with all of your loved ones this Christmas.
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BE CONSCIOUS OF YOUR INNER CHAT AND TALK TO YOURSELF LIKE YOU WOULD TO A GOOD FRIEND.
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AN INTERVIEW WITH JULES ALLEN
You may know her from last year’s Masterchef, but Jules Allen has such a bigger story to tell. As a single mum with one child of her own, an adopted child and two foster children, she’s also worked in child protection and as a school counsellor, fostered a total of 29 children, is an ambassador for National Adoption Awareness, and has now launched her range of WACCII tea products with all profits going to charity. You may be thinking ‘This woman can’t be for real!’ and the thing I loved most about Jules when we spoke is, she totally is.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING A SINGLE MUM, AND HAS THIS CHANGED OVER TIME? You know, there is a stigma when you became a single mum. I remember feeling lots of shame. There was lots of hiding it. I became a mum when I was 22, and my partner and I separated when our son, Jay, was two. I used to tell people that we were ‘having time out’ or that we were ‘working on it’ long after we’d actually separated for good. I felt like a failure and the public stigma of being on benefits and having kids to get money weighed on me. I tried for so long to prove that I was a good mum and a career woman to prove that I was the exception to that rule. Finally, I learned that the judgement came from me, so I ended up challenging my own beliefs. It was a long learning curve and took a couple of years to accept though. Now I wouldn’t change my experience of being a single mum for the world. WHAT ARE YOUR MEMORIES OF SEPARATION? Brutal. It was a brutal separation involving a custody battle. It’s something I would never wish anyone to go through. Court is very impersonal, it makes you feel like you’re just a number, but for you, it’s your whole life on the line.
HOW DID YOU GET THOUGH THAT? I had a girlfriend there through it all. One day as we were sitting together at the court, she started crying, she was a mess and she said to me ‘How do you do it?’ I looked at my child and answered ‘I just have to’. That’s the hardest thing about being a single mum, I think. It’s the ‘I just have to, I just have to’ all the time. It doesn’t end. No matter if you’re sick or exhausted or whatever your own personal challenges are, they don’t matter. HAVE YOU EVER FELT JUDGED, NEGATIVELY OR POSITIVELY FOR BEING A SINGLE MUM? I think I was my hardest judge. When I stopped judging myself so harshly, things started to get better, and from my own experience as well as what I’ve seen in my career, there’s so many factors involved in raising children and whether you’re doing it as a family or on your own has nothing to do with how that child will turn out. I did find though that as a single mum you do have to work a bit harder to fill the gaps in your child’s life and sometimes it was never enough, but they can still turn out to be really happy, well balanced kids. All my children adore each other. These days they’re the ones conspiring against me. www.liftmagazine.com.au | 15
IT’S HARD TO SWITCH BETWEEN RESPONSIBLE MUM AND FUN MUM. HOW DO YOU DO THAT? For me, it’s all about laughter and good food. You can’t take things too seriously – and you have to be able to make it not about you. If you laugh with a kid, you’re connected, if you share food with a kid, you’re connected. They’re such important tools. But sometimes, something as simple as watching a funny movie together can help you make that switch. As single mums, what we’re trying to do is crazy, ridiculous – let your kids take the piss out of you, laugh with them. WHAT’S THE BEST PART OF SINGLE MOTHERHOOD FOR YOU? I’m the boss. I don’t have to argue with anyone. We have one set of rules and they’re mine. I also get to have a really special bond with the kids.
But now they’re getting older, it’s more of a team. They’re at that age now where I’m thinking ‘Do I need to keep driving the ship?’ Around 14-16 is the hardest as you try to let go of the reins, but as soon as you let go and trust it’s brilliant, but you have to trust, that’s the key. DID YOU MISS HAVING A PARTNER? I didn’t have time. I used to think where the hell would a relationship fit in my life? I did miss that I didn’t have anyone to catch me or to de-brief with at the end of the day, but it meant that the kids got me totally uncompromised. My brother has been an incredible support though. Over the years I was on the phone him daily at times. Sometimes with kids it feels like it’s just all give and you don’t get anything back. After he looked after my kids while I was away for Masterchef he started to get all that and now has endless patience for my rants.
Images: Above: Jules with her four teenagers, Elisha (21), India (18) , Ishy (16) and Jay (16). Right: Jules with her adopted daughter working along side Deborah Lee-Furness as ambassador for National Adoption Awareness Week and Jules helping rebuild a refuge in the Solomon Islands.
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A SKATEBOARD IS NOT GOING TO MAKE YOUR CHILD HAPPY, HAVING THEIR MUM HAPPY WILL.
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DO YOU CONSISTENTLY MAKE AN EFFORT FOR ‘YOU TIME’ TO MAKE YOUR WELLNESS A PRIORITY? When someone first told me about wellness I though it meant running a bath and I was like ‘I don’t even like baths’. Now I get it though, and it’s crucial. It still took me a long time to learn how to do it, but once I did our whole family operated better. I fit my time in before the kids get up – I go for a run, swim and yoga on my own, and the kids can tell if I’ve done it because of the way I act through the day. Don’t feel guilty about getting a baby sitter or giving yourself a massage. Don’t worry that you’re not giving your kids a bike – Stuff is the last thing they need. Eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, putting a movie on, reading a book. Don’t feel guilty. Just do it.
Oh, and take your kids to a third world country to work in a refuge before they’re teens, then they’ll get what’s important in life. My kids never asked for anything after that. And it made me get it too – the less they get the happier they are. AS MUMS, WE’RE ALWAYS TOLD WE NEED TO LEARN TO ACCEPT HELP MORE. IS THIS SOMETHING YOU’VE LEARNED TO DO? It was an issue for me. I still find it hard. I’m the last one to put my hand up. That’s my own control stuff, you’re so used to doing it your own way that you assume you’re the only one who’ll get it right and it’s bull shit. The first time I really had to ask for help was I went on Masterchef and had to ask my brother to take care of them. All I asked of him was for them to come back with a Pulse. www.liftmagazine.com.au | 17
“YOU’VE GOT TO KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO WALK AWAY AND GO BAKE A MUFFIN
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WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A LONG-TERM PARTNER OR GET MARRIED ONE DAY? Easy on the marriage! It’s not something I’ve ever been opposed to, the bar was just set really high about what I’d accept in my world. I knew that if I had a relationship, I’d be setting an example for my kids and I wanted to set a good example. But times change, and now the kids are getting older, I’ve just started seeing someone in the last month. HOW DO YOU MANAGE MAKING AN INCOME WITH 4 CHILDREN AND THE RESPONSIBILITY OF BEING A PARENT AS WELL? When I had 2 kids at home, I worked full time and went to uni full time. I wouldn’t recommend it. I set the bar too high. It was only just before Masterchef that I took a step back. For a long time I was embarrassed about saying I was taking a break or saying I was just being a mum for a while. I used to make up excuses so no one would know. But you’ve got to put your pride aside and know when to put things on hold. There’s nothing more important than being there and being present with your kids. Eat rice and beans and spend more time with your them If that’s what it takes to be happy, healthy and present. No one will notice if you check out of work or your business for a while, but your kids will. Masterchef made me realise I’d never put something in front of my kids again. Our mistakes are our greatest lessons. DO YOU HAVE DAYS WHERE EVERYTHING FEELS TOO MUCH? HOW DO YOU HANDLE THOSE DAYS? Every day. I do have invincible moments too, though. Usually it’s when my ego starts running and I try to control things that it can go down hill. As soon as I think ‘whatever will be, will be’, then it’s all good again. Having faith is huge.
Now I know now that if I try to make things happen on those sort of days, I’ll be beating my head against a brick wall, so then it’s time to walk away and go bake a muffin. WHAT’S YOUR BEST TIP TO LEAD A HAPPY LIFE? Acceptance. Accept that everything is the way it’s meant to be – whether you like it or not. Expectations lead to resentment, try not to have them and live in the moment. It’s not ok to be happy all the time. It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to cry. I allow myself to feel a whole range of emotions. My son lost his puppy a few months ago. We cried together, and it was beautiful. Embrace every moment and every emotion and that way your kids can too. THIS WOULDN’T BE A CHRISTMAS ISSUE WITHOUT A FEW CHRISTMAS QUESTIONS. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS RECIPE? Without a doubt, seafood. Maybe whole dill poached atlantic salmon or Thai prawn salad with mint and coriander. DO YOU HAVE A FAVOURITE FAMILY CHRISTMAS TRADITION? Getting together and laughing. Laughing and food signifies our family. WHAT’S THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT YOU’VE RECEIVED FROM YOUR KIDS? Having them try to make me breakfast in bed when they were younger. They misjudged the landing of my breakfast and had it all over me. I’m also a sucker for home made cards. My son who’s now 17 still draws the same pictures of snow capped mountains as he did when he was six.
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In just a few weeks it will be Christmas. If you let it, it can be one of the most financially stressful times of the year. But, it doesn’t have to be that way‌ By Carmel McCartin
We all know how important it is to look after our budget, yet every year we hear of people who suffer as a result of over-spending. Did you know that the people who spend the most over Christmas are usually those who leave everything to the last minute and run out of time? So before we get swept along with the festivities, let’s take a moment to share some thoughts about the season and the role your money plays in it. CHRISTMAS IS JUST ONE DAY OF THE YEAR. If Christmas day is a time for traditions, then now is a great time to talk about making a change so they won’t break anyone’s budget. You might find that other family members are secretly longing for this to happen too. Holding a pre-Christmas planning day is a great way to give everybody a chance to plan for the event. Why only get together once a year?
important to remember that the idea of sharing works both ways. You don’t have to carry the load yourself: • Consider a simple ‘buffet’ lunch, where everybody brings a platter. • Ask guests to contribute part of the menu whether it be meat, pudding, side dishes, drinks or nibbles. Don’t forget that people love to bring their ‘signature dish’ to share. • Plan your menu in advance and use a shopping list to avoid unnecessary spending on extras. • Store brands are great for side dishes – noone will even realise! This is great for things like salad dressings and pasta. Of course, it’s not just the food costs that need to be calculated; costs of liquid refreshments also add up quickly.
CHRISTMAS IS A TIME OF SHARING.
• Serve guests a festive punch – it goes a long way, is less expensive (both alcoholic and non-alcoholic) and you can even stretch out servings with apple juice.
Whatever your Christmas day looks like, ultimately it’s a day of sharing and it’s
• Use lots of ice – this makes drinks last longer when the weather is hot. www.liftmagazine.com.au | 21
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IT’S THOSE WHO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO THE LAST MINUTE WHO WILL SPEND MORE BECAUSE THEY’VE RUN OUT OF TIME.
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Finally, if you usually host Christmas, but find the idea overwhelming this year, suggest someone else take over. You’ll have less stress and can bring along something that fits your budget. CHRISTMAS IS A TIME OF GIVING. When it comes to gifts, it’s easy to go overboard. How many times have we heard people say that Christmas has become too commercial? And it’s true, when it comes to gift giving, it really is the thought that counts. To manage your gift budget the first thing to do is to make a list of everybody you need to buy a gift for, then: • Work out how much you can comfortably spend on each gift, and stick to it! • Consider a Kris Kringle (Secret Santa) where everyone draws a name out of a hat and buys a present for that one person. • Choose a theme for your gifts, e.g. calendars, books, chocolates, home-made treats, socks, pens, glasses or pillows. • These days people are time poor, not possession poor so vouchers for things like lawn mowing; painting; baby-sitting or house cleaning are an afforable and meaningful gift idea. • Spending time with loved ones is the best gift of all. Consider a family day pass to the zoo, theme park or movie tickets.
CHRISTMAS IS A TIME OF BEAUTY. If decorating is your thing, there are ways to keep an eye on those costs too: • Recycle decorations from last year or just add one or two new pieces. • Wrap gifts in bright and glossy junk mail — it all ends up in the same place in the end! • Choose solar-powered Christmas lights to cut down on your electricity usage. • Buy candles and decorate them using tinsel, glitter and ribbons. • When decorating the table buy inexpensive glasses and paint each guest’s name on the side or attach a name tag to the stem. BUT MOST OF ALL, CHRISTMAS IS A TIME OF CHEER. Remember that the best part of Christmas will be the memories you create. It doesn’t matter how much money you do or don’t have. If you spend just a little time on the planning, you can spend a lot less money on the event. If you haven’t quite got to your Christmas planning yet, we’ve included a printable over the page to get you started. Keeping track of everything now will keep you in the right mind-set to take control of your spending and have a merry, guilt free holiday.
Christmas Planning 2014 gift for....
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total spend $ www.liftmagazine.com.au | 23
CO-PARENTING & CHRISTMAS Everyone deserves a peaceful, merry and cherished Christmas. Regardless of your individual situation and even if co-parenting tension exists, the way you approach it is entirely in your power. Here are my best strategies for taking control and having yourself a merry Christmas this year. By Naomi Douglas
For separated or divorced parents, Christmas can be a difficult time of year. Christmas has strong associations for us with family, and memories. Few occasions can emphasise the pain of a divorce, or ongoing tensions between ex-partners the way Christmas can. Any number of things can present themselves during this time period: disputes about child sharing arrangements, the presence of new significant others in one of the households, miscommunication, tensions between extended family members and the pain of shattered dreams. Even parents who have been divorced for a number of years can find some level of pain lingers at Christmas, which in some cases is re-inflamed by the presence of a new partner in the life of their ex. While this is all totally normal, it doesn’t have to ruin what is still a special time of the year for you as well as your children. Here are my top tips for reducing the fallout at Christmas and creating a happy time this holiday season.
RECOGNISE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL AND WHAT YOU CANNOT. One of the biggest adjustments a parent needs to make after separation is that some parts of their children’s lives are outside of their control. There is a spectrum of co-parenting styles from very cooperative, with a lot of information sharing and duplicated parenting strategies in both homes, to little or no communication and very different approaches to parenting in the two homes. Wherever you sit on this spectrum it is important to understand where your control ends and to let go of that part. It is not healthy or helpful to allow things you cannot control to eat away at you. I often find that parents have difficulty recognising the difference between the things that they can control or gain more control of, and the things that they cannot, because they do not have the objectivity needed for this. It is difficult to be objective when it comes to our children and there are times when it is best to have professional help to structure your new family configuration.
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COMPENSATE FOR THE STRESS OF THE SEASON WITH EXTRA SELF CARE.
KEEP ADULT AND CHILDREN’S MATTERS SEPARATE.
Your wellbeing is a vital foundation for your children’s wellbeing. It’s not good for you, or for them if you are living with high levels of distress. Your circumstances may be very upsetting, and in order to cope well with that, you need to put extra energy into compensating for this. Exercise, rest, fun activities, and counselling are all things that can go a long way towards getting you back on track to feeling good.
It is so easy to make all of the co-parenting issues a forum for the unresolved relationship dynamics between you and your ex. It is so very important for your children that you learn how to not do this. If your relationship was very hurtful, or even abusive, you will need to go through a period of recovery and healing. It can be important to get excellent professional help in order to do this and it is worth it! Good recovery can be the basis of profound transformation allowing you to have a much better and happier future!
USE THE HOLIDAY PERIOD AS A CHANCE TO BUILD A BETTER CO-PARENTING RELATIONSHIP. Co-parenting is a challenge that requires education, skills and effort – and this all takes time and practice. Even if you have to co-parent with a very challenging person, there are many things you can do to ensure that things do not continue to spiral downwards. The relationship that parents have with each other as co-parents is the world that their children live in. Imagine that you are building a new house for your children to grow up in. One of the houses has a foundation built with the conflict and discord of a trouble filled co-parenting relationship. The other house is filled with peace and is built with a sound structure. Every time you communicate with your ex, it is as if you have a brick in your hands. You will place that brick on one of those houses or the other, depending on how you choose to communicate. Whichever house gets built by all those bricks is the one that your children will live in.
FIND A WAY TO ENJOY THIS CHRISTMAS. Whether you are with your children or not, whether you have a very painful situation to contend with or not, find something special just for you this Christmas to help you to have a happy time. Spend time with those who care about you, treat yourself to something you’ve been ‘putting off’ because you always put the kids first - maybe it’s something as simple as a manicure or having a night out with friends. Investing in yourself is a vital thing to do as a parent. FOCUS ON MAKING CHRISTMAS ENJOYABLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN. We know that the most important thing in a family separation is to protect our children from harm and conflict. Sometimes avoiding conflict can be a challenge, especially if painful emotions are involved or parenting plans aren’t established or being adhered
to. The good news though is that there are strategies to can help you better manage these situations. If you think you’re likely to find yourself in a conflict situation this Christmas, a great way to diffuse things and not put so much pressure on the day is to focus on your children and getting them excited about Christmas. Even if you are not going to spend as much time with them as you’d like on the day, you can build a great festive feeling leading up to it - create some new traditions, get them involved in the shopping and wrapping experience and create fun experiences around opening an advent calendar. Modelling resilience and a positive attitude for your children at this time could be the best Christmas present that you could give them. Not only will it make this year’s Christmas happier, you will provide your children with skills that will serve them well throughout the rest of their lives.
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new
CREATING
family
TRADITIONS
WHEN YOU FIRST BECOME A SINGLE PARENT FAMILY, IT CAN FEEL LIKE YOU’RE NO LONGER REALLY A FAMILY, LIKE PART OF YOU IS MISSING OR BROKEN. BUT IT’S THOSE WHO ARE IN OUR LIVES THAT CREATE FAMILY, NOT THOSE WHO AREN’T. IT’S AN ADJUSTMENT WE ALL GO THROUGH, AND THAT’S OK.
Adjusting to your new family status takes time, but when you’re ready to embrace the change, there’s nothing that says ‘family’ like creating some traditions with those you love. Here are some favourites from our readers... START A CHRISTMAS EVE TRADITION
Everyone opens one present that contains a new pair of new pj’s, a treat like popcorn, and a Christmas movie to watch together that night. Carmen KEEP A MEMORIES SCRAPBOOK
Each Christmas the family members write messages, create drawings, glue in cards, snippets of wrapping paper, the silly jokes from bon bons etc to create a forever visual memory of their Christmas. You could also add photos. Rebecca CHOOSE A CHRISTMAS GAME
Outdoor cricket, beach volley ball, charades or pictionary to enjoy after a big day of eating. Jen MAKE AN ADVENT CALENDAR
My friend makes an advent calendar and puts little cards in them with activities for each day like ‘make xmas decorations’, ‘feed the ducks’, ‘make rum balls’, ‘go to the park’. Her child
looks forward to each day to see what they get to do with Mummy. Karen HEAD OUTSIDE
On Christmas Eve we spend the day at the beach with a picnic and then get home to make a seafood dinner and open all the pressies. Pia PRESENT SHOPPING WITHOUT MUM!
One of my best friends takes my kids shopping for all our gifts (I give her money of course). The kids love that they have something secret to give me that they have chosen themselves (I may give some hints before hand). Ingrid WORLD RECORDS
Every year my mum buys my brother the Guinness Book of World Records. It’s become a family tradition to pick out the funniest and most amazing records of the year. Naomi MAKE A GINGER BREAD HOUSE
Decorate a ginger bread house! Sarah www.liftmagazine.com.au | 29
YOURHEALTH YOURLIFE Your questions answered with Leanne Hall, psychologist, personal trainer & health and nutrition coach.
As mums we joke about the impact sleep deprivation has on our lives, but it really is one of the things I’ve found hardest to cope with as a single mum. I feel like I’m living in a fog most of the time! Are there ways we can do the whole ‘sleep’ thing better? And what can I do if I’m just not getting enough?
This is a great question! When you lose sleep you accumulate what’s called a sleep debt. Essentially this is the difference between how much sleep you should be getting and how much you are getting. An hour here or there won’t hurt, but if you’re experiencing anything more than a few days of lost sleep, it’s time to start paying that debt back and minimising its impact. Here’s a few places you can start… 1. HAVE A NAP NEXT TO YOUR CHILD. I know, I know – nap time is when we actually find time to get the non-child elements of our lives under control. You don’t have to do this all the time, but if you know you’re accumulating a sleep debt, adding a nap really will help you get back to your fully-functioning self. It’s also a great idea to nap next to your child. Adult sleep cycles last around 90 minutes whereas a child’s is around 40. If you sleep separately, there’s a good chance your child
will wake first and pull you from a sleep cycle which can make you wake feeling lethargic, confused and possibly worse than you did before. If you nap next to your child, you’re more likely to mimic each other’s cycles and gently rouse together feeling renewed and refreshed. 2. MAKE THE MOST OF THE EARLY HOURS OF THE NIGHT. The most restful sleep happens early on in the night so go to be early and wake earlier. 3. USE SLEEP TRACKING APPS OR DEVICES. We all have different sleep needs. Some of us can function on less than others. If you know your own optimal amount of sleep time, you can start counting your sleep debt so you know when it’s getting out of control. Tracking your sleep will also let you know if you’re getting more sleep than you thought which can be an instant mood lifter!
4. CHALLENGE THE GUILT.
7. PUT A HOLD ON BIG DECISIONS.
Walk past the dishes, the paperwork, switch off your phone and go to bed. A great way to challenge sleep guilt is to track your productivity. Once you can see that you really are getting things done quicker with more sleep, you’ll feel a lot better about making it a priority.
Sleep debt plays tricks on our thinking and makes us much more likely to be indecisive and to catastrophise. Be mindful of this and put any big decisions on hold until you catch up. It will not only reduce stress, but leave more of your precious energy reserves available to avoid overwhelm.
5. DELEGATE AND OUT SOURCE.
8. CREATE A ‘DOWN TIME’ RITUAL.
It’s perfectly ok to accept, and even ask for help. Admitting you need help doesn’t mean you’re not coping; it shows you know your limits and boundaries. It’s those who continue to struggle alone who aren’t coping. Slip your friend a $20 to do some cleaning, let someone watch the kids while you sleep, say ‘That’d be great!’ when someone offers to bring you a meal and if you ever feel like this means you’re not coping, repeat to yourself ‘Your limits are not my limits’.
While down time isn’t sleep, it gets you into the habit of taking a moment for yourself and being ok with doing so. This practice is especially helpful during times of sleep debt to give your mind and emotions time to diffuse, regroup and settle. This could be five minutes to practice mindfulness, have a cup of tea or just breathe and watch the trees – create a ritual now so it’s routine when you do find things building up. And yes, even five minutes does help.
6. MANAGE THE SYMPTOMS OF SLEEP DEBT.
Remember, the sneaky thing about sleep deprivation is that the more time goes by, the less you’ll notice how much that debt is, so be wary of your body trying to trick you. If you want to function the way you’d like to function, especially at a busy time like Christmas, you need to prioritise yourself and give your body and mind the nourishment they need.
When you’re at work, schedule your more demanding activities in the morning over a coffee and leave the easier tasks for the afternoon. Then make sure you take a few minutes to step outside ever hour and let the fresh air perk you up.
SHOPPING / CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE
SHOP ONLINE THIS CHRISTMAS... $38.00
$39.00
FOR MUM
FOR DAD
Personalised Life Lockets from Zeke Unique feature a magnet closure meaning you can add new charms anytime. Every locket tells a story. zekeunique.com
Surprise Dad with this compact and fact-filled wooden, vintage style ruler that unfolds to outline 200 discoveries and inventions since the Industrial Revolution. hardtofind.com.au
$12.95
$25.95
FOR SECRET SANTA
FOR TEACHER
Bring a little fun and frivolity into anyone’s kitchen with this quirky Zoo Portrait tea towel. Sized 50cm x 70cm. tuskhomewares.com.au
This floating air plant is not only a cool and quirky gift idea, it’s also hardy, easy to look after and will continue to grow for years with the minimum of care. fleurieugifts.com.au
AND FIND GIFTS FOR EVERYONE $22.95
$21.95
FOR THE LITTLEST ONES
FOR THE BIGGER ONES
Featuring hand stamped tokens, this memory game comes complete with storage bag so you can tuck it away in the car or your hand bag. happyaslarrydesigns.com
Guaranteed to provide hours of fun over the holidays, this vintage style kit includes 32 modelling balloons, eye stickers and instructions. sendatoy.com.au
CONTACT US TO SEE YOUR PRODUCT HERE
$55.00
FOR ALMOST ANYONE With lovingly hand picked kits and products, The It Kit is sure to provide a hassle free shopping experience for even the hardest-to buy-for person in your life. theitkit.com.au www.liftmagazine.com.au | 33
SHOPPING / CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE
BUT DON’T FORGET YOU TOO! $23.40
$18.95
FEEL FABULOUS
RAINBOWS
Just one of the many gorgeous, yet affordable accessories featured at Hard to Find, this fun lightweight scarf is a perfect addition for any summer BBQ outfit. hardtofind.com.au
You don’t need to stop wearing beautiful things just because you’re a mum. Rainbow Bites has a range of child friendly jewellery in almost every colour you could imagine. rainbowbites.com.au
$8.00
$399
RELAX
SUNSHINE
The benefits of a quiet cuppa can’t be underestimated. WACCII range of tea blends aid anxiety, digestion, immunity, sleep and even slimming. waccii.com
If you’re looking for something special, warm your heart and your home with this 100cm ‘Sunshine’ felt ball rug, hand made in Nepal. happyaslarrydesigns.com
ADVERTISE WITH US
If you are a business with a product or service that will uplift and empower our community of single mums, we have a range of in-magazine, website and social media advertising options available. Contact us for more information or a copy of our media kit.
the e-mag
for any mum flying solo www.liftmagazine.com.au | 35
SHOPPING / CHRISTMAS BOOK GUIDE
FAVOURITE BOOKS FOR ALL AGES...
0-2 YEARS
2-4 YEARS
THAT’S NOT MY TRAIN
THE DAY THE CRAYONS QUIT
4-6 YEARS
6-8 YEARS
WHY DO DOGS SNIFF BOTTOMS?
MARMADUKE DUCK
AS RECOMMENDED BY OUR SINGLE MUM COMMUNITY
8-10 YEARS
TEEN
GERONIMO STILTON
THE MAZE RUNNER
YOUNG ADULT
YOUNG ADULT
LOOKING FOR ALASKA
TOMORROW, WHEN THE WAR BEGAN
REVIEWS / BOOKS
THE TEA CHEST BY JOSEPHINE MOON Reviewed by Ingrid Nicholson WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS BOOK?
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO READ?
I love tea so the title definitely helped. I kept seeing The Tea Chest pop up around the place and it sounded like the girly, uncomplicated novel I had been looking for.
Two weeks of bed time reading. It was a lovely book to fall asleep to.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT?
The Tea Chest is a light read that I found delightful, nothing too serious and generally happy. If you love warm girly reads and a cup of tea (or even if you don’t love tea) this book is for you.
Tea, it really is. I couldn’t pick this book up without a tea in hand. It is also about a lovely character, Kate, a tea designer who inherits half of The Tea Chest, a boutique tea shop in Brisbane. It follows the journey of four women and the challenges they face while opening a new branch of The Tea Ch est in London in a last ditch attempt to save it.
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? WHY OR WHY NOT?
FINDING TIME FOR A LIGHT HOLIDAY READ
THE SHELLEY BEACH WRITERS’ GROUP BY JUNE LOVES Reviewed by Megan Brandl WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS BOOK?
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO READ?
I found this book whilst waiting for a flight and while I didn’t immediately identify with the protagonist the last line on the back of the book grabbed me – ‘this is an irresistible story of reinvention’. That, I could identify with!
A few weeks until the final chapter when toddler-induced sleep deprivation caused me to leave it behind in an airport! I had to buy it again to see how it ended.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT?
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? WHY OR WHY NOT?
Gina is ’50-something’ and finds herself with a cheating husband and a business going down the gurgler. Deciding a sea-change is required she agrees to house-sit what turns out to be a rather shabby but charming cottage at the seaside (complete with dog). Her best efforts to lay low and recuperate are thwarted by the locals and she soon finds herself becoming involved in their everyday lives.
It’s a feel-good and easy read with a few laugh-out-loud moments. The narrative really brings the small town and its inhabitants to life and it doesn’t have the predictable storyline and ending that you often get with ‘chick-lit’. Definitely a good read for anyone dreaming of their own sea-change, fantasising about writing a novel or believing that sometimes we do have a second chance at love, whatever our age. www.liftmagazine.com.au | 39
RECIPES
CONTRIBUTE TO LIFT
We need you! Lift is the online magazine for single mums made by single mums. It doesn’t exist without you. If you’re a professional who has something to offer single mums or a single mum with a story to tell, whether you’ve overcome obstacles, thrived after heart break, learnt some life changing lessons, developed time-saving recipes or new life management strategies, if you’ve travelled solo, discovered new hobbies or made a career change after separation and divorce, contact us by emailing naomi@liftmagazine.com.au
the e-mag
for any mum flying solo
EASY TO PREPARE, SURE TO DELIGHT, PERFECT TO TAKE ALONG TO ANY FESTIVE PARTY...
FESTIVE FOOD
RECIPES
INGREDIENTS
• 400g green beans • 1/2 cup hazelnuts, toasted and roughly chopped • 1/3 cup dried cranberries • Juice of half a lemon • 1 tsp lemon zest • 1 clove garlic, minced • 2 Tbsp olive oil • Salt and pepper
GREEN BEAN CRANBERRY SALAD By Caeli @ Little Vegan Bear Serves 4
Cook’s tip: I know - it’s just beans, right? You could not be more wrong. Rarely have I experienced such a taste sensation than in this simple side dish. I’ve been force feeding it to everyone since I found it. Take this little beauty along to all of your Christmas dinner parties, and I promise you that everyone will be asking for more.
STEP 1
Top and tail your beans. Prepare a large bowl of iced water. STEP 2
Soak cranberries in hot water. STEP 3
Bring a pot of salted water to the boil. Add green beans and cook for 2-3 mins until they turn bright green and slightly tender. STEP 4
Drain and transfer to iced water for 30 seconds – 1 minute. Drain. STEP 5
Whisk together lemon zest, garlic, oil and salt and pepper in small bowl. STEP 6
Combine beans, nuts, cranberries and dressing. Serve.
42 | For any mum flying solo
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RECIPES
INGREDIENTS
• 450gm Lamb mince • ¼ medium brown onion • 1 bulb garlic • 4 sprigs Italian parsley • 3 sprigs coriander • 2 tsp coriander seeds • 1 tsp each of fennel seeds, cumin and paprika • ¾ teasp turmeric • ½ teasp ground cinnamon
MOROCCAN SPICED LAMB KOFTAS By Mahlzeit Catering Serves 2
Cook’s tip: make the koftas the day before to allow the spice flavours to develop in the meat, and to make them extra special, serve with a cous cous almond & fig salad, cucumber yoghurt & fresh mint, Italian parsley & coriander.
• salt & pepper freshly milled to taste STEP 1
Lightly toast spices in a dry pan until fragrant, remove from heat and grind to a powder in a mortar and pestle. STEP 2
Roughly slice onion and garlic and place in a food/spice mill attachment to a hand held blender – if you don’t have one finely chopping the onion and garlic will be fine. Add herbs and blitz/chop until you have a paste. STEP 3
Add onion, herb paste, spices and seasoning to lamb mince, mix well to combine all seasonings. STEP 4
With wet hands, form into cylinders and taper the ends to form a kofta shape. STEP 4
Cook on a char grill to get that smoky bbq taste.
44 | For any mum flying solo
RECIPES
INGREDIENTS
• 400g choc ripple biscuits • 1.5 cups desiccated coconut • 200g butter - melted • 395g can sweetened condensed milk • 300g chocolate bits • 1/3 cup thickened cream • Peppermint essence • 1 or 2 Peppermint Crisp bars (to decorate)
CHOCOLATE PEPPERMINT SLICE By Jess Sheldrick
Cook’s tip: Remember that kids taste peppermint more strongly than adults, so if you’re taking this one along to a party where there’ll be lots of children around, either cut down on the amount of peppermint essence, or simply leave it out of the chocolate ganache icing!
BISCUIT BASE STEP 1
Finely crush biscuits & add to a large bowl. bowl STEP 2
Mix through desiccated coconut, melted butter and condensed milk until well combined. combined STEP 3
Add 1 - 3 tsp of peppermint essence (depending on your taste). taste) STEP 4 Press biscuit mix evenly into a greased 20x30cm slice tin and refrigerate for about 1 hour or until firm. firm CHOCOLATE GANACHE ICING STEP 5
In a small pot, melt chocolate and cream over a low heat until smooth & glossy. glossy STEP 6
Stir through 1 - 2 tsp of peppermint essence. essence STEP 7 Pour over biscuit base, top with crushed peppermint crisp and refrigerate for 3 hours. hours 46 | For any mum flying solo
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RECIPES
INGREDIENTS
• 2 packets of marshmallows • 1 packet of Jaffas • 1 packet of mint leaves • 1 packet of white chocolate melts
STEP 1
Cut about 10 mint leaves into little pieces as shown. STEP 2
Cut Jaffas in half.
MARSHMALLOW HOLLY BITES By Sistermixin’
Cook’s tip: These bites are guaranteed to be the first nibbles to go at any Christmas party. Simply spread them out on a large round white plate to make a fabulously festive table centre piece.
STEP 3
Melt white chocolate. You can do this by either melting at 60 degrees, 5 minutes, speed 2 if you have a Thermo machine, or in the microwave for 30 seconds at a time, mixing between each 30 seconds until melted. STEP 4
Once chocolate has melted, dip the end of a marshmallow into the chocolate and place half a Jaffa on top. Place mint leaves at the top of the Jaffa. STEP 5
Repeat for all marshmallows. STEP 6
Leave to set in the fridge for about 30 minutes.
48 | For any mum flying solo
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COFFEE & a CONVO’
With Anna, single mum to almost two-year-old Audrey
“ DIVORCE HAS BEEN LIKE A Everything! But most of all it’s probably knowing that Audrey is in such a calm home environment now. Our home is truly our oasis.
FACE LIFT. I’M ALWAYS GETTING COMPLIMENTS ON HOW YOUNG I LOOK NOW.
“
WHAT’S THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING A SINGLE MUM?
YOUR BIGGEST CHALLENGE?
WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO RIGHT NOW?
Getting a break. Now it’s all on me and making time for myself seems very selfish but you’ve got to do it because when you do, it’s like pushing a re-set button, you can cope so much better when you invest in your own happiness.
Selling my house and decorating a new home. With divorce comes a new identity for me, as both me and as a mum, having my own house is the first chapter of that. DO YOU HAVE A QUICK GO-TO MEAL?
HOW DO YOU TREAT YOURSELF? Shopping is my Zen. I love fashion and interior design, it’s just got so much potential – I never know what I’ll find on a day out, but I know I’ll find something and it’ll be fabulous. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE WAY TO SPEND TIME WITH AUDREY? Dance. We have dance-offs. Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off is our favourite at the moment. Audrey even sings along. Her excitement is so adorable.
BBQ Chicken and salad – with Parmesan everything tastes better with Parmesan. I put it on everything. FUNNIEST MUMMY MOMENT SO FAR?
I had a friend over for dinner and when it was time to go to bed I said “Hey Audrey, how about we make a bottle and go to bed?” She leaned against her mini dining table with one hand, crossed her leg over the other and said very casually “umm, no”. Little copycat!
she turned her can’ts into cans, and her dreams into plans
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