Girl Crush: Life After Loss

In this Instagram era, a “perfect life” appears to be the norm. I know from experience, however, that that is far from reality. After losing a soul mate or a child, a job or a life you once loved, reality hits hard, the darkness sets in and questions abound. As I go into a deep dive with two women I’ve had girl crushes on for decades, we approach these emotional stories with the frame of mind of a survivor, not a victim. In all honesty, I believe our shared great loss is one of the reasons both of these friendships developed such an unbreakable bond. I

When I asked a Hall of Fame songwriter and a celebrity beauty stylist to open up about their stories, they were both hesitant. They pretty much echoed the same message: “I don’t want people to define me by my tragedy but by my creativity.” Well, they don’t have to worry because the creative thumbprints they’ve each already left in their respective industries are much more pronounced than all they’ve had to overcome. Nashville’s treasure Matraca Berg wrote her first number one song at the age of 18 and is one of the youngest inductees in history into the Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame. Nashville’s best-kept style secret, Melanie Shelley, was in Monte Carlo, Monaco, working with Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman when I did this interview.

Matraca Berg photographed in her home

Alaina Mullin

THE ENCHANTING TROUBADOUR

When I first met Matraca Berg, I was intimidated by her and thought she was a bit snobbish; as it turns out, she thought the same of me. Then one day we were involved in a “fashion junkie” garage sale with several other local trendsetters. We ended up working the cash register together and our “girl-mance” began. But let’s rewind for a minute to before the awards, gowns and accolades. As a young girl Matraca essentially grew up on Music Row, surrounded by singers, writers and musicians. Her mother, Icie Calloway, moved to Nashville in her teens in the ’60s while pregnant with Matraca, to pursue a career in songwriting. In those days, a young girl didn’t raise a baby alone, so she gave Matraca up for adoption. Crying herself to sleep every night for a week, Icie returned to the orphanage to get her baby back. When Matraca was two years old her mother married nuclear physicist Ron Berg, who legally adopted her. Her mother’s songwriting career didn’t take off, so she transitioned into nursing, yet she encouraged Matraca to go for it.

“I watched what it did to Mom’s soul,” she recalls. “She loved being a nurse, but she loved music even more. So I was very careful to avoid some of the pitfalls that held her back.”

At the ripe age of 15, Matraca got serious about songwriting. Her mother taught her everything she knew, and they began to write together. While her mother wasn’t a hit songwriter, Matraca’s God-given talent was strong enough to attract the interest of acclaimed songwriter Bobby Braddock (who penned legendary

songs for Tammy Wynette, George Jones and Nancy Sinatra, to name a few). They promptly co-wrote the song “Faking Love,” which was recorded by T.G. Sheppard and Karen Brooks.

“We were driving in Mom’s car the first time I heard it on the radio,” Matraca remembers. Her mother pulled the car over and asked her how it felt: “It was surreal, and I wanted to give her that feeling so badly.”

By the time Matraca was 18, that song had gone to #1 on the charts, and one year later Icie got sick. Matraca was 20 when her mother passed away, and her world changed in an instant. Her mother was only 40 years old. “I was so young when she died and we were extremely close,” she says. “She taught me how to write songs and live life. When she passed I lost my best friend, I lost my mother and I lost my writing partner. After I recovered from the initial grief, the one thing I could do to honor her was to do my music and do it well. That’s what drove me for a really long time—I wanted my mom to be proud.”

While the hits were adding up, Matraca found and married her soul mate, Jeff Hanna of the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. Then, in 2008, she got a call from the Songwriters Hall of Fame—she was getting inducted as one of the few female writers ever, and one of the youngest in history to be inducted, male or female. The blessings were flowing to this couple, proving that there is life after loss.

Of course, as with everything in life, change is always on the horizon. Fast-forward to 2017, to a time when they suffered more loss than they ever could have predicted. Jeff lost his mother, brother and son within two years. After 26 years of marriage, their foundation (and entire world) was on shaky ground. “The way we grieved was very different,” she recalls. “We couldn’t find each other. We were looking at each other like, ‘Who are you?’ We lost sight of one another for a while. It took therapy and time to find each other again. That’s when the healing started coming.”

Anastasia Brown and Matraca Berg

Alaina Mullin

After coming out on the other side of that pain, Matraca has learned to fight her tendency to isolate, to get outside of herself and go do something for somebody else. “It’s dark in there if you stay in there all alone,” she notes. When I ask her about her future and the songwriters she mentors, she lights up. “I feel a change in the air—these young female writers coming up can play! And they’re all so beautiful.” When I ask her about her next record, she grins and responds, “I would love to make a record like Harvest one day,” referring to Neil Young’s masterpiece. My subconscious has already pre-ordered it. Let Matraca’s amazing life today remind us that we all go through peaks and valleys, but there will be a sun shining on the other side.

Melanie Shelley

Alaina Mullin

A SELF-PROCLAIMED VISUAL ARTIST FOR HUMANS

I met Melanie Shelley back in the mid-’90s when all we had were our dreams and innocent hearts. She had this amazing gift—the ability to really understand your hair, brows and face intimately and immediately. This is how she enhances beauty, by starting at the source. Brick by brick, hour after hour, Melanie eventually built the first fashion-forward salon for men and women in Nashville. Splitting time between NYC and Nashville for 12 years, she maintained a humble charm while importing high fashion looks into our then-small city decades ago. She never followed trends, but she definitely created them. In 1998, while tapping her savings and securing bank loans to establish the legendary salon and barbershop TRIM, in 12South, she fell in love with a musician. She knew nothing about him aside from his Scottish accent and his musical gifts. Love came fast and deep for Stuart Adamson, frontman and songwriter of the rock band Big Country. On the heels of several hits, SNL performances and Grammy nominations, he was bold.

“When he first asked me out I hesitated,” Melanie remembers. “I was still reeling from a breakup. We had an instant, deep connection, but I was scared. A few weeks after we met, he flew up to surprise me. It was happening too quickly, so I gave him ‘the talk’ to slow down. He went quiet, then he got down on his knees, took both my hands in his and said, ‘I want to be in your life forever, as friends or lovers. Whichever way it is, I’ll take it.’ His eyes were sparkling—I could literally see his love for me in his eyes. Something changed in me at that moment: I believed that true love was real. He was my best friend, just like he said, then he became my husband in 1999.”

During Melanie’s early rise in her career, Stuart’s addiction struggles resurfaced for the first time in over a decade. Love sometimes can’t stop those demons, no matter how big the love is. What started as a certain love for Melanie turned into confusion, as Stuart sustained several unexplained disappearances, long stints in rehab and a frightening DUI that left her shaken to the core. One day Melanie was expecting Stuart to return home from a tour, but he never walked through the door. She had no idea where he was, so she began frantically contacting mutual friends and eventually the police, all to no avail.

I was there during that sad period, and as I write this I’m crying. Thankfully, I was strong at the time, so I was able to lean in and support this amazing woman. To bring joy back into her life and celebrate our friend in a time of struggle, a group of friends planned a 33rd birthday party. On the day of her birthday, in the middle of her search for Stuart, Melanie slipped down a flight of stairs and fell onto a heavy iron sconce, which plunged into her back, impaling her so deeply that it collapsed her lung and nearly came through to the other side of her body, but thankfully missed her vital organs. While visiting her in the hospital, I saw the damage of her petite, speared body and I also saw her strength.

Then, on Dec. 16, 2001, Stuart was found dead in a hotel room in Hawaii. He had committed suicide by hanging himself—her soul mate and best friend. There was nothing she could have done; she’d tried everything and felt totally helpless. Despite both of these horrific moments in her life happening simultaneously, Melanie never complained and only felt concern for Stuart, never herself. How does one move forward? “Once I was strong enough, I dove into my work,” she recalls. “I thought if I could wake up and make art, the best art I could create, then the sadness would not be the biggest part of my life.”

Fast-forward to today—as I interview her while she’s working in Monaco with Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman, her life is different than she’d ever imagined. I start by asking her how she got her happiness back.

“In hindsight, 20 years later, I realize I’ve lived the past 18 years of my life looking through a frame where only I can see, which is inside my loss,” she confides. “Everybody thought my life was in focus, yet I only saw blurry edges of lost love, keeping out happiness, holding new life at a distance. Recently I heard a voice in my head ask, ‘What if I wasn’t so sad inside? Who would I be?’ Since I’ve pondered that, I’ve noticed that the ‘frame’ is fading away. What a gift. I feel boundary-less, which is so freeing, but also risky. You don’t know what life will be without sadness. But you have to find out.”

That was then, of course, and this is now. Melanie has never stopped working tirelessly, making sure her artists and all of her clients look beautifully authentic and, most importantly, relishing her most serious job, raising her twins as a single mom. When I asked her about her new norm, she smiled and replied, “I feel like since I started to see life through a brighter lens it made me feel more confident. When I’m dealing with highlevel clients, I speak my mind more. I feel like there’s wisdom in me about what works and what doesn’t work. The best way to serve is to be honest and direct. No kid gloves anymore. There is a reason that kid gloves are called kid gloves, and there’s a reason they need to be taken off.” Working with accomplished artists like Keith, Nicole, Martina McBride, Naomi Watts and so many more, she feels most fulfilled doing her part in keeping them rising on their journey.

I asked her to share a pinch-yourself moment during this new chapter. There are almost too many to share. Working with Keith when he won an ACM and CMA’s most prestigious award, Entertainer of the Year, just last year is at the top of her list. Also attending the Prada runway show with Nicole Kidman during Milan Fashion Week is in the top 5, obviously: “There’s nothing more exciting than to be at the pinnacle of culture at the moment it’s happening and then to see your work splashed all over outlets across the globe,” she gushes. “I have so much more appreciation now for these opportunities, but especially for the people who are there to love me when I’m home just being me.”

The music industry has lost too many loved ones this year. I believe that means we all need to create in their honor. In addition to Matraca and Melanie, I too have experienced great loss and the common theme to overcome it is to push yourself out of your comfort zone and engage in the present. Whatever it is that you do, during your darkest times, focus on creating the best that you can and giving outside of yourself. Tis’ the season, God bless you, your family and chosen family.