Parenting by BuildaBridge International

Parenting Well Instructor Manual

Table of Contents v BuildaBridge Overview ……………………………………………………………….5 v Notes to Instructor ……………………………………………………………………6 v Tips for Student on how to Get the Most from the Lessons & your Manual • Different Ages & Stages. Perfect Still ……………………………...............7 o Developmental Milestones Charts for Preschoolers o Positive Parenting Tips for Children and Adolescents (Ages 6—17) • Taking Notes for each Lesson ……………………………………………...7 • Building A Home …………………………………………………………...7 • Your Final Project …………………………………………………………..8 • Play More! ……………………………………………………………….…9 v Course Overview ……………………………………………………………………..10 (Includes Procedures and Requirements for Final Project, Measuring the Objectives & Schedule) v Lesson 1: Building a Philosophy of Parenting……………………………………....13 • Lecture Notes ………………………………………………………………28 • Handouts and Worksheets o Worksheet #1………………………………………………….……17 o Worksheet #2…………………………………………………….…18 o Worksheet #3…………………………………………………….…19 o Worksheet #4…………………………………………………….…22 o Worksheet #5…………………………………………………….…24 • Homework o Journal #1 ……………………………………………………….….25 o Journal #2. …………………………………………………..……...26 o Template …………………………………………………………....27 v Lesson 2: Breath Again! Self-Care and Self-Advocacy……………………………..33 • Lecture Notes ……………………………………………………………....45 • Handouts and Worksheets o Worksheet #6……………………………………………………….36 o Worksheet #7……………………………………………………….37 o Worksheet #8……………………………………………………….40 o Worksheet #9……………………………………………………….42 • Homework o Journal #3 ………………………………………………………….43 o Template…………………………………………………………....44

v Lesson 3: Lean on Me: Building and Using Support Systems………………………54 • Lecture Notes ……………………………………………………….............66 • Handouts and Worksheets o Worksheet #10………………………………………………………57 o Worksheet #11………………………………………………………58 o Worksheet #12………………………………………………………60 o Worksheet #13………………………………………………………61 o Worksheet #14………………………………………………………62 • Homework o Journal #4 …………………………………………………………..64 o Template…………………………………………………………….65 v Lesson 4: Parenting with Grace: Effective Communication………………………...74 • Lecture Notes.……………………………………………………………….82 • Handouts and Worksheets o Worksheet #15……………………………………………………....77 o Worksheet #16………………………………………………………78 o Worksheet #17………………………………………………………79 • Homework o Journal #5 …………………………………………………………..80 o Template…………………………………………………………….81 v Lesson 5: Many Ways to Discipline: How to Hug ‘Em When you want to Hurt ‘Em……...104 • Lecture Notes ……………………………………………………………...113 • Handouts and Worksheets o Worksheet #18……………………………………………………...107 o Worksheet #19………………………………………………….…..108 o Worksheet #20………………………………………………….…..109 o Worksheet #21……………………………………………………...110 • Homework o Journal #6 ……………………………………………………….….111 o Template……………………………………………………………112 v Lesson 6: Parenting is Tough: Play Hard!.................................................................116 • Lecture Notes ………………………………………………………………123 • Handouts and Worksheets o Worksheet #22……………………………………………………...119 o Worksheet #23……………………………………………………...120 • Homework o Journal #7 …………………………………………………………..121 o Template…...…………………………………………………....….122

v Lesson 7: The Glue that Binds: Establishing Routines and Rituals………….…….131 • Lecture Notes ………………………………………………………………139 • Handouts and Worksheets o Worksheet #24……………………………………………………...134 o Worksheet #25……………………………………………………...136 • Homework o Journal #8……………………………………………………….….138 v Teacher resources……………………………………………………………………..140 v Appendices • Pre and Post Test………………………………………………...………….142 •

Appendix A: Developmental Milestones for Preschoolers (Ages 0—5)……………………………………………...………………....156

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Appendix B: Positive Parenting Tips from Childhood through Adolescents (Ages 6—17)…………………………………….…..158

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Appendix C: Suggested Positive Parenting Resources ………………….....165 (Books, Internet sites, Parenting Classes, etc.)

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Appendix D: Free Fun for Families in Philadelphia and its Surrounding Areas ………………………………………….……...167

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Appendix E: Template for Final Project Option #2…………………….…168

Transforming Lives Through The Creative Arts

MISSION BuildaBridge is a nonprofit arts education and intervention organization that engages the transformative power of the arts to bring hope and healing to children, families, and communities in the tough places of the world. BuildaBridge spans barriers of race, class, faith, and culture to promote holistic personal, family, and community development. Committed to principles of love, compassion, justice, reconciliation, and service to others, BuildaBridge motivates, enlists, trains, and connects those with artistic gifts with those in greatest need. BuildaBridge offers unique programs featuring cross-cultural perspectives and arts-integrated approaches to holistic personal and community development.

PROGRAMS BuildaBridge Community provides arts-integrated intervention and education to children and families in underserved communities. In collaboration with local schools, community centers, transitional homes and religious congregations, BuildaBridge Community delivers life skills training, artistic educational experiences and therapeutic intervention through art-making in music, drama, dance, creative writing and the visual arts. Our three programs include: Create! Discovery, Create! Opportunity, Create! Healing BuildaBridge Institute is a training and applied research academy designed to prepare community and religious leaders, social workers, artists and educators for arts-enriched service and leadership to communities. BuildaBridge Institute embraces the power of the arts in community outreach, teaching and transformation through local, national and international training programs and extensive graduate study. BuildaBridge International travels the world to restore hope and healing to communities affected by cultural and religious conflict, environmental catastrophe, poverty, illness and social injustice. Through its specialized team service projects and arts intervention programs, BuildaBridge International promotes dialogue, understanding, healing, reconciliation and community development with partners throughout the world.

CONTACT 215-842-0428 205 W Tulpehocken St - Philadelphia, PA 19144 www.buildabridge.org - info@buildabrigde.org

Notes to the Instructor •

In addition to providing parents with the information and the resources they need to parent better, a few major goals of this course are: o To help parents, through reflection and critical thinking, to identify what they already do well. o To celebrate and affirm parents for what they are doing well. o To model with the parents how to have fun with their children.

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Stories from the book Chicken Soup for the Parents’/Single Parents’ Soul are used to start each session.

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There is a mini-lecture at the end of each lesson from which you can teach for each lesson.

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There are Teacher Resources at the end of several lessons. You may choose to use these resources to build your knowledge about a particular area before you teach or to share extra information with the class. You may also choose to copy these resources and hand them out to your class. The Teacher resources are not in the Student Manual.

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There are numerous in-class activities from which to choose. Choose what will serve your class well. Do not feel compelled to do everything.

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There are several worksheets for each lesson. Choose what will serve your class well. Do not feel compelled to use them all. The answers are noted in red in your Instructor’s Manual. The answers are not in the Student Manual.

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Within each lesson is a journal page with prompts to get the parents reflecting and reporting on what they are learning and how they are applying what they learn in the home. Emphasize the importance of the parents completing these entries as weekly assignments. Give the students the option to have them reviewed by the instructor, to share with peers or to keep them private. It does not matter what they choose to do. It matters that they write. Some people need feedback or to hear themselves share and receive the feedback of others. Others just benefit from the act of reflecting and writing. Encourage the parents to reflect and write, write, write!

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It is essential that you carefully read information on the FINAL PROJECT and other important information that is in the Student Manual.

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All participants will complete a pre and post test at the beginning and the end of the training to assess the efficiency of the program (page 142).

Tips for How to Get the Most from your Manual (As noted in the Student Manual)

Different Ages & Stages:

Perfect Still (for parents)

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As you work through the lessons in this manual and listen to your instructor’s advice ad that of others, please remember to consider the age of your child and the ability of your child, in spite of his/her age. Make sure that your expectations are realistic. Some of the activities may require you to consider a younger child to complete that assignment while others will be more useful for older children. Then again, some of the lessons and information will be helpful no matter the age or developmental stage of your children.

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The developmental chart in Appendix A at the back of your book will assist you with determining general child development milestones for preschoolers. Referring to this chart will help you to decide if the activity, lesson, or advice suggested is appropriate for your child.

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For more information on positive parenting of middle childhood (6 - 11) through early and middle adolescents (12-17) see the handouts at the end of the manual in Appendix B or visit http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/child/datasets.htm

Taking Notes (for parents) •

Your Instructor will provide you with a brief and informative mini lecture during each session. So that you can record all of the valuable information that you are learning during the lecture portion of your class, please be sure to take notes. You will find lecture notes at the beginning of each chapter.

Building a Home (for parents) •

The conclusion of each lesson includes an activity which requires you to design some aspects of home-life or parenting that is related to the lesson for the day. As you complete these activities in lessons one through seven each week, you will be completing some aspect of a home or community. At the end of the course, together, your classmates and you will have built a beautiful home to symbolize that: 1. Building a home does not happen immediately. Building healthy homes takes time.

2. Building healthy homes takes creativity, consistency, good information, and patience. 3. Building a home requires the help of our friends, families and/or of our communities 4. Building healthy homes can be rewarding and fun!

Final Project (for parents) â&#x20AC;˘

At the end of the parenting course you will have the opportunity to showcase the positive parenting skills you have learned by participating in a role play. Additionally, you may choose to complete one of the three optional projects or suggest a project of your own to your instructor. Prior to your presentation, proposed projects must be approved by your instructor. Role Play During the first class, each parent will chose a number from one to seven. You and your instructor will record that number. At the end of the course you and/or the classmate(s) you choose to assist you will demonstrate, in a role play, your understanding of the key concepts explained in that lesson. Grading will be based upon your role (not your assistantsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; roles) as a parent. Your instructor will provide you with details regarding how much time you have to present and will give you other resources, if needed, to complete your final project.

________________________________________________________________________ Option #1 Reread Lesson 3: Lean on Me, Building and Using Support Systems. Write a skit in which you are meeting with the teacher about the special needs of your child. Use all of the special education terms in your conversation with the teacher. Option #2 Draw or purchase a map of Philadelphia. Review Lessons 4, 6, and 7. Get a calendar and several sheets of lined paper. Plan each day for one month for you and your children. What will you do from the time you awake until bedtime? Make sure that your plan shows how you will spend time alone with each one of your children and how you will spend time together. The plan should include attending events and doing activities, as well as, study, homework, quiet times (for you and your child) and mealtimes. See the Appendices at the back of the 8

manual for ideas on free things to do in Philadelphia. Also see Appendix E for a daily schedule template. Option #3 Review Lesson 1: Building a Philosophy of Parenting. Have each person in your family write a personal mission statement. If your child is too young to speak, write what you hope their mission in life will be. If your child is young but can speak, talk to them about what they hope to do and to become. Write it down (do not change their words even if they do not make total sense to you; write and read what they say). Together review your family values and write one family mission statement. Share your mission statements, your values (worksheet #3), and your family mission statement and your vision strips (worksheet #5). If possible, invite your family to read their statements with you. Create a family song, poem, dance, painting or collage to represent your family’s values and mission!

Play More (for parents) •

On more than one occasion you have more than likely told your children in a frustrated tone to “Stop playing so much!” And while children have the tendency to be playful at the exact moment we have no time to play, the truth is that we adults really do not play around enough!

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As you will learn in Lesson 6: Parenting is Tough: Play Hard! science proves that playing has amazing mental, physical and spiritual benefits. Furthermore, and very important for the purposes of parenting well, playing is how children communicate best. So, in an effort to help us snap out of not playing around enough, each of the seven lessons will encourage you to play in some form. Have fun!

Course Overview Procedures and Requirements for Final Project, Measuring Objectives & Schedule Parenting Well teaches parents how to raise healthier more happy families. The lessons emphasize the importance of mutual respect between children, parents, and extended families, as well as, the critical role that playing with children has in parenting well. Through arts-integrated, interactive classes and creative lessons, those who attend theses sessions learn how to become better parents and how to enjoy their lives and their children’s lives in the process! Parenting is one of the toughest jobs on the planet but Parenting Well helps parents to succeed at doing a challenging job well. During this course, participants will:

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Write a family mission statement and identify their family values Learn new ways to cope with stress and anger Use free self-care techniques to relax and pamper themselves Learn to develop and use their extended family networks Learn new skills for and use multiple strategies for effectively talking and listening to preschool through teenaged children Develop new strategies for disciplining children Be able to identify various forms of play and become aware of the many positive benefits that result when parents play with their children Identify current and establish new rituals, routines and traditions with their families Procedures and Requirements for Final Project (to be completed at the time of the training)

Measuring the Objectives Affective domains deal with changes in attitudes and behaviors. The following rubric will assist with measuring the changes in participant attitudes and behaviors

Levels of Affective Domains Level 1. Receiving

2. Responding

Definition

Example

Being aware of or attending to something in the environment Showing some new behaviors as a result of experience

Individual would read a book passage/lesson or view a video about parenting.

3. Valuing

Showing some definite involvement or commitment

4. Organization

Integrating a new value into one's general set of values, giving it some ranking among one's general priorities Acting consistently with the new value

5. Characterization by Value

Individual would answer questions about the book, read another book by the same author, another book about parenting, etc. Parent journals or shares an experience that demonstrates a change in behavior The parent might demonstrate this by voluntarily attending a lecture or class or by reading or viewing something on parenting. The parent might arrange a newsletter, blog, support or book group.

The parent is firmly committed to the value, perhaps becoming a parent coach or speaking to others about parenting.

Adapted from: The Pennsylvania State University ÂŠ2003-2007 This site maintained by Teaching and Learning with Technology, a unit of Information Technology Services

Schedule

LESSON 1 Building a Strong Philosophy for the Hardest Job on the Planet – Parenting!

I. Lesson Overview Parenting is one of the most rewarding, most difficult, most important jobs around. This lesson helps parents to define parenting and highlights some of the key roles associated with parenting. Participants learn eight ways to teach children values, examine the roles they serve in as parents, select core values for their own families, draw their vision for their families, and list twelve ways to have fun (even for free) with their children. II. Advanced Preparation a. Choose a short story related to this week’s topic to read/listen to as a Session Starter. i. Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul ii. Chicken Soup for the Single Parent’s Soul b. Read Mini Lecture. c. Create sample Vision Strips to share with the class. d. Comic strips from this week’s paper. e. Gather all items noted in Material & Supplies section. III. Lesson Objectives a. To name and review eight ways to teach their children values. b. To explain why constructing a vision of themselves as a parent is a key step in parenting well. c. To guide students through writing a personal definition of parenting. d. To facilitate discussion that will help students visualize a perfect week with their families. IV. Measurable Outcomes a. Given a list of definitions of and roles of parenting, the learners will review each definition and each role, then write his/her own definition of parenting and his/her own list of at least four roles the learner feels s/he plays as a parent. b. Given a list of values and activities, learners will make a list of qualities they want their family to have and a list of activities they would like to participate in with their families by choosing at least twelve values and twelve activities for each. c. Given the opportunity to discuss the definitions of parenting (personal and pre-written definitions), the learners will depict how they see

themselves/would like to see themselves interacting with their children in a great week. d. Given eight suggestions for teaching children values, learners will practice using the strategies with their own children during the week after the class. V. Lesson Breakdown a. Session Starter: The Facilitator should read a short story from Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul or from Chicken Soup for the Single Parents Souls (you may choose to play classical or jazz softly in the background). b. Pre-Assessment Activity i. Ask “What is parenting?” Write the question in large letters on the board. Have the participants discuss answers to the question in groups. Instruct the class to assign persons from their groups write their definitions of parenting on the board under the question. ii. Ask “What are a parent’s roles?” Write the question in large letters on the board. Have the participants discuss answers to the question in groups. Instruct the class to assign persons from their groups write the roles that parents play on the board under the question. c. Introductory Activity/Experiential i. Read several professional definitions of parenting from Worksheet #1. ii. Have learners volunteer to respond to how accurate they feel the professional definitions of parenting are. Note how the professional definitions are similar and/or different from the definitions the parents placed on the board in the Pre-assessment activity. iii. Give participants time to write their own definitions (play music while the students are thinking and writing). iv. Explain Worksheet #2 and give the participants time to complete the form (play music while they are working). v. Lead the students in a discussion about why they agreed/disagree with the statements on the form. You may ask questions like: 1. Which words or phrases did you like in the definition? Please read them aloud. 2. What would you change? Why? 3. How did you define parenting? d. Drama Performance e. Mini Lecture i. See lecture notes at the end of the chapter ii. Worksheet #3 iii. Worksheet #4

f. Demonstration Exercise i. Family Vision Strips – Have participants create a positive vision for the week by filling in the comic strip worksheet. Assure them that there is no need to be a good artist. The key is to use what they learned about roles, values; vision to consider and then depict what a great day, week, or event with their children would look like. The drawing should reflect their definition of parenting and should show the characters demonstrating the values and the roles the parent identified as important ii. Worksheet #5 g. Applied Work i. Journal Entries 1. Journal #1 Review the journal instructions with the parents: During the week keep a journal of one thing you did to spend time alone with each of your children. What one thing did you do together? What new thing did you observe or learn? How do you feel? How did your children feel? 2. Journal #2 During the week show your children the values list and explain what values are and why they are important. Ask each child to select twelve values. Compare lists and discuss which values your family will keep as your own. Hold one another accountable to behave in ways that reflect these values. Make cards or notes with the values written on them so that each family member can carry the family values with them. Did any of you select the same values? Which of the eight ways to teach values can you use this week? h. Conclusion i. Session Stopper: Play a song(s) about family and ask the parents to write five words or phrases that represent the most important thing(s) they learned today. They should write on the red “bricks”. Have them walk up and tape the cards (in a brick-like pattern) to a large sheet of paper, canvas or board. Play the videos/music while they work and build the foundation for the house. VI. Supplementary Materials a. Music: with Family themes i. Sister Sledge: We Are Family 1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZROB2pawLBo ii. A Song for Mama 1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7W75O-x2C3s iii. I Hope you Dance

1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTQfERb9HVk&featur e=PlayList&p=18702B50E448CD09&index=0&playnext= 1 iv. Madonna: Keep it Together Forever 1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVYZlXa53c4 v. Family Ties: What Would We do Without Us 1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTK_CH3YwWk VII. Materials and Supplies a. Pens. b. I-pod dock, laptop with Internet access and speakers or CD and CD player. c. Paper shaped bricks (copy template onto red paper) or bring red construction paper and have students trace from the template. d. Crayons and markers. e. Name Tags or Name cards.

Worksheet #1 - What is Parenting? Instructions: 1. Carefully read the following definitions of parenting. 2. In the blank below write your own definition of parenting. 3. Discuss your opinions about the definitions listed and share your personal definition of parenting with a partner.

What is Parenting? •

Parenting is the process of raising and educating a child from birth, or before, until adulthood.

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Parenting is taking on the leadership role with your biological or adopted child and loving them completely, no matter what wrongs they do. It is lovingly teaching them how to face the world one day, making mistakes along the way, and learning in the end the best way to be a parent.

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Parenting is to raise a child and also educate him or her in the best possible manner.

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The act of a mother or father caring for their child.

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The rearing of a child or children, especially the care, love, and guidance given by a parent.

My Definition of Parenting __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

Worksheet #2 - What are a Parent’s Roles? Instructions: 1. Review some of the roles that parents can play. Do you agree or disagree? 2. In the blank box below write a few of the roles you play as a parent. 3. Discuss how you handle playing so many roles with a partner.

What are Parent Roles? Parenting Roles •

Teacher

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Friend

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Coach

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Counselor

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Caregiver

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Disciplinarian

I Agree

I Disagree

My Roles as a Parent ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________

Worksheet #3 Values are the beliefs of a person or social group in which they have an emotional investment (either for or against something). For example someone may say, "he has very conservative values." Think about what you strongly believe in or want for your family. Choose twelve words from the list below that best capture the beliefs and hopes that you have for your family. Don’t let all the words overwhelm you. Just look quickly through the list and select the terms that stand out to you. WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

V alues List 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33.

(Source: http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/list-of-values.htm

Abundance Acceptance Accessibility Accomplishment Accuracy Achievement Acknowledgement Activeness Adaptability Adoration Adroitness Adventure Affection Affluence Aggressiveness Agility Alertness Altruism Ambition Amusement Anticipation Appreciation Approachability Articulacy Assertiveness Assurance Attentiveness Attractiveness Audacity Availability Awareness Awe Balance

34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65. 66. 67.

Beauty Being the best Belonging Benevolence Bliss Boldness Bravery Brilliance Buoyancy Calmness Camaraderie Candor Capability Care Carefulness Celebrity Certainty Challenge Charity Charm Chastity Cheerfulness Clarity Cleanliness Clear-mindedness Cleverness Closeness Comfort Commitment Compassion Completion Composure Concentration Confidence

) 68. Conformity 69. Congruency 70. Connection 71. Consciousness 72. Consistency 73. Contentment 74. Continuity 75. Contribution 76. Control 77. Conviction 78. Conviviality 79. Coolness 80. Cooperation 81. Cordiality 82. Correctness 83. Courage 84. Courtesy 85. Craftiness 86. Creativity 87. Credibility 88. Cunning 89. Curiosity 90. Daring 91. Decisiveness 92. Decorum 93. Deference 94. Delight 95. Dependability 96. Depth 97. Desire 98. Determination 99. Devotion 100. Devoutness 101. Dexterity

102. Dignity 103. Diligence 104. Direction 105. Directness 106. Discipline 107. Discovery 108. Discretion 109. Diversity 110. Dominance 111. Dreaming 112. Drive 113. Duty 114. Dynamism 115. Eagerness 116. Economy 117. Ecstasy 118. Education 119. Effectiveness 120. Efficiency 121. Elation 122. Elegance 123. Empathy 124. Encouragement 125. Endurance 126. Energy 127. Enjoyment 128. Entertainment 129. Enthusiasm 130. Excellence 131. Excitement 132. Exhilaration 133. Expectancy 134. Expediency 135. Experience 136. Expertise 137. Exploration 138. Expressiveness 139. Extravagance 140. Extroversion 141. Exuberance 142. Fairness 143. Faith 144. Fame 145. Family 146. Fascination 147. Fashion 148. Fearlessness 149. Ferocity 150. Fidelity 151. Fierceness 152. Financial

153. Independence 154. Firmness 155. Fitness 156. Flexibility 157. Flow 158. Fluency 159. Focus 160. Fortitude 161. Frankness 162. Freedom 163. Friendliness 164. Frugality 165. Fun 166. Gallantry 167. Generosity 168. Gentility 169. Giving 170. Grace 171. Gratitude 172. Gregariousness 173. Growth 174. Guidance 175. Happiness 176. Harmony 177. Health 178. Heart 179. Helpfulness 180. Heroism 181. Holiness 182. Honesty 183. Honor 184. Hopefulness 185. Hospitality 186. Humility 187. Humor 188. Hygiene 189. Imagination 190. Impact 191. Impartiality 192. Independence 193. Industry 194. Ingenuity 195. Inquisitiveness 196. Insightfulness 197. Inspiration 198. Integrity 199. Intelligence 200. Intensity 201. Intimacy 202. Intrepidness 203. Introversion

204. Intuition 205. Intuitiveness 206. Inventiveness 207. Investing 208. Joy 209. Judiciousness 210. Justice 211. Keenness 212. Kindness 213. Knowledge 214. Leadership 215. Learning 216. Liberation 217. Liberty 218. Liveliness 219. Logic 220. Longevity 221. Love 222. Loyalty 223. Majesty 224. Making a difference 225. Mastery 226. Maturity 227. Meekness 228. Mellowness 229. Meticulousness 230. Mindfulness 231. Modesty 232. Motivation 233. Mysteriousness 234. Neatness 235. Nerve 236. Obedience 237. Open-mindedness 238. Openness 239. Optimism 240. Order 241. Organization 242. Originality 243. Outlandishness 244. Outrageousness 245. Passion 246. Peace 247. Perceptiveness 248. Perfection 249. Perkiness 250. Perseverance 251. Persistence 252. Persuasiveness 253. Philanthropy 254. Piety

255. Playfulness 256. Pleasantness 257. Pleasure 258. Poise 259. Polish 260. Popularity 261. Potency 262. Power 263. Practicality 264. Pragmatism 265. Precision 266. Preparedness 267. Presence 268. Privacy 269. Proactively 270. Professionalism 271. Prosperity 272. Prudence 273. Punctuality 274. Purity 275. Realism 276. Reason 277. Reasonableness 278. Recognition 279. Recreation 280. Refinement 281. Reflection 282. Relaxation 283. Reliability 284. Religiousness 285. Resilience 286. Resolution 287. Resolve 288. Resourcefulness 289. Respect 290. Rest 291. Restraint 292. Reverence 293. Richness 294. Rigor 295. Sacredness

296. Sacrifice 297. Sagacity 298. Saintliness 299. Sanguinity 300. Satisfaction 301. Security 302. Self-control 303. Selflessness 304. Self-reliance 305. Sensitivity 306. Sensuality 307. Serenity 308. Service 309. Sexuality 310. Sharing 311. Shrewdness 312. Significance 313. Silence 314. Silliness 315. Simplicity 316. Sincerity 317. Skillfulness 318. Solidarity 319. Solitude 320. Soundness 321. Speed 322. Spirit 323. Spirituality 324. Spontaneity 325. Spunk 326. Stability 327. Stealth 328. Stillness 329. Strength 330. Structure 331. Success 332. Support 333. Supremacy 334. Surprise 335. Sympathy 336. Synergy

337. Teamwork 338. Temperance 339. Thankfulness 340. Thoroughness 341. Thoughtfulness 342. Thrift 343. Tidiness 344. Timeliness 345. Traditionalism 346. Tranquility 347. Transcendence 348. Trust 349. Trustworthiness 350. Truth 351. Understanding 352. Unflappability 353. Uniqueness 354. Unity 355. Usefulness 356. Utility 357. Valor 358. Variety 359. Victory 360. Vigor 361. Virtue 362. Vision 363. Vitality 364. Vivacity 365. Warmth 366. Watchfulness 367. Wealth 368. Willfulness 369. Willingness 370. Winning 371. Wisdom 372. Wittiness 373. Wonder 374. Youthfulness 375. Zeal

My Family Values ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 21

Worksheet #4

A ctivities ~ Envisioning Family Fun Recreation is a way to re-create ourselves. It is our opportunity to be revived by resting with our children, friends, families or by ourselves. You do not need a lot of money to have fun! Sometimes the most joyous and memorable times we have, especially with our children, do not require that we spend any money at all -- only quality time. ð Below is a list of activities that you can do with your children. These are just ideas. Feel free to add your own. In the space provided below write at least twelve ways you would enjoy spending time with your children. Make sure to choose at least one activity that you will do alone with each child. For example, if you have three children, plan nine group activities and three others – one for each child – that only you and that child will enjoy alone together. Amusements Parks

Listen to Music and

Drink tea

Biking

Dance

Cook

Walking Trails

Learn a new language

Write a song

Jogging

Wrestle

Have a tea party

Ice Skating

Attend church services

Window shop

Hiking

Visit the elderly

Make up Games

Library Lectures

Tour Museums

Look at old pictures

Volunteer

Take a bus ride

Ride the Broad Street

Write a Story

Race

line

Draw

Clean together

Paint

Play dress up Paint your nails 22

Sing

Start a blog

Crossword puzzles

Pray

Color

Go to the playground

Exercise

Hide and Seek

Start a scrapbook

Play video games

Tickle

Give a pedicure

Have a slice of pizza in

Read to one another

Count the stars

the shop

Pretend to be a band

Go swimming

Watch a movie

Drive to the beach

Style one anotherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hair

My Family Activities Put the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s name in parenthesis next to an activity to indicate that you will enjoy that activity alone with that child. ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ 23

Worksheet #5

Family Vision Strip

Journal #1 Title: Building a Strong Foundation for the Hardest

Journal #1 Writing Prompts: During the week keep a journal of one thing you did to spend time alone with each of your children. What one thing did you do together? What new things did you observe or learn? How do you feel? How did your children feel?

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Journal #2 Title: Building a Strong Foundation for the Hardest Job in Town â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Parenting!

Writing Prompts: Have each family member look at all of the values on worksheet #3. List the twelve family values that you agreed to exhibit as a family and identify which of the 8 ways to teach values you can use to help your children demonstrate these values. ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 26

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Brick Template (copy or trace into red paper)

Lecture Notes Chapter 1 Building a Strong Philosophy for the Hardest Job on the Planet – Parenting!

You are not on another planet. Parenting is amazingly difficult for everyone! Never fear, help is on the way . . . §

Defining Parenting

Let us begin by trying to figure out exactly what we are being asked to do. What is parenting? Experts offer numerous definitions. But while knowing what society expects of us and what leading experts say about parenting is essential, in order to become better parents, we have to define parenting for ourselves. We have accomplished this today by writing our own definitions of parenting. We have also reviewed a few common roles that parents play and determined the roles we ought to play in our children’s lives. §

Roles in Parenting

While the details in the definitions vary, leading child development experts agree that, in general, the ultimate role of the parent is to nurture children and to raise them with high self-esteem. Money, education, and toys are essential, but providing things for our children is not the only measure of success in parenting. The ability and skill of empowering children to feel good about themselves is a most significant measure of a parent’s success. A role is the specific function of a person or a thing. Roles are also defined as the different parts an actor or actress plays. We each play various roles in our day to day lives. To complicate matters, the roles we are required to play as parents, range from teacher to disciplinarian and include many roles in between. How we play out our many roles as parents depends largely upon what we value as individuals. §

Values Parenting

Values identification helps you to establish what you stand for. What we value in life is evident in everything we choose to do and in everything we choose not to do. Parenting is no exception. In addition to defining what parenting and roles are and to looking at what roles we currently play as parents, we need to know how our values influence the foundation we build for our children as parents. Values are the beliefs of a person or social group in which they have an emotional investment (either for or against something). As a parent, you value certain things more highly than others. For example you may say, “Lying is absolutely unacceptable. Whatever you do wrong don’t ever lie to me. Just tell me the truth!” What are you

saying? You are communicating to your child that you highly value honesty or integrity or truth. Setting a Framework for Deciding Upon Family Values The starting point for deciding upon a framework of values is to ask: • If this were an outstanding family, what would it look like? • If my children/I were being written up as excellent, why would the article say we were excellent? Ø Activity Direct the parents’ attention to Worksheet #3. Ask students to circle no more than 12 values that are most important to them. There are hundreds of values on the list so stress that the participants should glance at the list quickly and circle only the values that really stand out to them. As pediatrician and parenting expert, Dr. Marilyn Hines notes, “Values change over time and vary from culture to culture, but the values parents need to instill in their children are pretty timeless, universal, and basic.” The story she tells about a medieval rabbi articulates her point. As the tale goes, “Legend has it that a student once asked a medieval rabbi if he could, while standing on one foot, tell the questioner all he needed to know about being a good person. The rabbi answered, ‘Don't do to anyone else what you would not want done to you.’ In essence this is the basic value to teach your children.” It is that basic. What do you want done to you? You answers indicate what you value. Values are guiding principles that determine all other behaviors. They are guideposts. Values are fixed and parents as well as children have to commit to the values that the family agreed to build the family upon. The values are life-giving even when it is very difficult to adhere to them so it is critical that parents and children respect and follow the guideposts. In your weekly journal you will be asked to discuss what you value with your family, to agree, and then to hold one another accountable to the family values. There are two types of values: 1. Higher Order Values 2. Lower Order Values It is important to think through what you value as well as in what order you value each item. The values that are most important to you write them at the top of your list. Ø Activity You can change your mind and may need to depending upon what stage of life you are in and depending upon the age of your children. Think about the age of your child today and about the stage of life you are in. Now look at the 12 values you wrote on Worksheet #3. Prioritize the values from 1-12 with Higher Order values beginning with 1.

Teaching Values But how does a parent teach values in a seemingly valueless world? We just reviewed over three hundred values. So, you may also be asking, how can I know which are most important to teach to my children? Ø Critical Dialogue It is important to remember how you defined parenting for yourself at the start of the lesson. Ask the participants, 1. 2. 3. 4.

Which definitions and roles made the most sense to you? Why? With which definitions and roles did you disagree? Why? Why did you define parenting as you did? Which values did you select? Why did those you select stick out to you more than some of the others?

This is a good place in the lesson to invite participants to share answers, stories, etc. that explain why they view parenting as they do and what adjustments they want to make in their current situations, attitudes, or behaviors that will move them towards realizing their vision of themselves as a parent. Ø Activity Listen to the following scenarios and decide which values are being violated or affirmed by the parent. The columns show a few possible answers. Participants will offer other valid responses. Situation The child drops and breaks a glass and burst into frantic sobbing. Parent is rushing the child with her little legs, is dragging behind. She is falling and crying for mom to slow down

Parent Reaction (whether it was an accident or not) Are you okay? As long as you are okay, we can replace the glass. What happened? Okay, if you think you need help, next time, I want you to ask. “Come on, will you! We have to hurry up. We’re running late.” The parent continues to yell and drag the kid along.

Status of Value Affirmed

Violated

Values Affirmed or Violated Communication, Concern, Respect, Realism, Patience, Grace, Skillfulness, Temperance Patience, Respect, Timeliness, Preparation, Responsibility

On an sunny day we go for a walk but the child keeps stopping to play, sing, dance, pickup sticks, etc.

(even if the child is messing up the parent’s workout & s/he is very frustrated) Why do you keep stopping? What do you see? Let’s walk fast for 100 steps then stop again to play or dance or smell the flowers.

Affirmed

Patience, Pragmatism, Flexibility, Fun, Creativity

Parent arrives home from the supermarket with many bags of groceries and asks for help but is told, “But Mom, I don’t want to help. I am watching a movie!”

(tired from shopping & angry at the child’s inconsiderate response) “Pause the movie. Our groceries are here and need to be put away, now. You can watch that after we fill our refrigerator and cabinets. Maybe we can finish watching it together. Thanks, John”

Affirmed

Discipline, Togetherness, Responsibility, Selfcontrol, Patience

The main point is to affirm the participants by telling them: §

PARENTING DOES NOT COME NATURALLY. NO PERSON IS BORN WITH THE SKILLS AND STRATEGIES NEEDED TO BE A GOOD PARENT. WE MUST LEARN AND PRACTICE CONSISTENTLY TO BECOME GOOD PARENTS.

Ø Tell the parents that while parenting is not instinctive, it is crucial for them to trust their instincts – their sense of what is right or wrong with themselves and/or their children -- should neither be devalued nor ignored.

Now that we have reviewed our selection of values, let’s see what Dr. Hines suggests are the best ways to teach values. Eight ways to teach values are: 1. MODEL the behaviors you want your child to adopt. 2. INSTRUCT your child on the specifics like sharing. 3. SUGGEST ways your child can be kinder and more caring to others. "Jody has no one to play with. Why don't you ask her to play with you?" 4. Use liberal amounts of parent propaganda like, "Our family would never do that." when the television, a movie, or a person demonstrates some inappropriate behavior. 5. Emphasize TOLERANCE. Teach your children the importance of including, not excluding, other people. Teach them not to make fun of anyone. 6. Make HONESTY a family policy. Set an example for your children. If the cashier accidently gives you too much money in change be sure your children see you return it. Let your children know they live in an environment where they can safely express themselves so there is no need to lie. 7. Teach your children COURAGE. This enables children to think for themselves, rather than always go with the crowd. 8. *Don't forget PEACEABILITY so your children will be able to accommodate, not just argue, make an effort to understand other's points of view, and count to 10, take deep breaths, think or use some calming strategies before losing your cool. *We further discuss how to manage anger and relieve stress in Lesson 2.

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Visionary Parenting

Our vision. Often, the way we want to see or envision our lives is very different than what we are presently experiencing. By completing the activities in this lesson you have gathered the information you need to begin to create a family vision.

What is a Family Vision and Mission Statement? According to The Family with a Purpose Organization, a family vision and mission statement is an articulation of a family’s values, goals, and character. Through the process of creating and writing a mission statement, families will define who they are as individuals and as a family and hopefully gain some peace in having a plan. Sample Family Vision Statement We, the Holzmann family, understand that what we have been given allows us to personally and corporately influence others worldwide. Therefore, we seek to change our world–with God’s help and for His glory–by training and equipping others to most effectively fulfill their God-given purposes. We aspire to family harmony, consensual decision-making and living life with integrity, prayer, and purposeful action. Ø Let’s take a look at Worksheet #4. Read the Worksheet to the class and ask the parents to circle twelve activities. Make sure that they identify at least one activity they will do with each child alone.

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Conclusion

Parenting places the spotlight on our strengths as well as on our weaknesses. Parenting well means stepping back to think about what we need to continue doing well and on what we need to change. With patience and courage we then try our very best to become better people for ourselves and for our children. As you work to teach your child values, do not forget to VALUE YOURSELF as a parent. Be good to yourself. Parenting is the toughest job on the planet!

LESSON 2 Breathe Again: Self Care and Self Advocacy

I. Lesson Overview If you are not well in mind, soul and body your children can not be as well as you want them to be. The truth is if you do not take care of yourself someone else may have to take care of your children. This lesson teaches you how to manage anger and stress, and gives you several self-care ideas that do not cost a dime, so that you can breathe again. II. Advanced Preparation a. Choose a short story related to this weekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s topic to read/listen to as a Session Starter. i. Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul. ii. Chicken Soup for the Single Parentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Soul. b. Complete the Self-Care Circle so that you can show yours as an example. c. Read Mini Lecture. d. Gather all items noted in Material & Supplies section. III. Lesson Objectives a. To facilitate a discussion that will help parents to summarize their feelings about the role of taking care of themselves and how they think their selfcare affects their children. b. To model for students how to use two stress relief techniques. c. To list and provide information on five anger management techniques. d. To define and give students examples of two primary types of anger. IV. Measurable Outcomes a. Given a list of ways to take care of themselves without spending money, learners will be able to select at least ten ideas and will use the ideas to renew their mind, souls and body during the week. b. Given time to review their core values and vision strips, learners will construct images of themselves or their families that depict one of their visions. c. Given several strategies for stress relief and anger management, learners will list and demonstrate five strategies for relieving stress and five strategies for dealing with anger. V. Lesson Breakdown a. Summarize Lesson 1: i. In our last session we learned the importance of defining parenting for ourselves, deciding what roles we need to play as parents, establishing family values, creating vision statements, and having fun with our children. We also learned that parenting does not come naturally but

that it is by consistently practicing specific sets of skills and strategies that we become good parents. Today we continue to add to our skill sets and strategies by focusing on an area that most parents forget – taking good care of them. b. Session Starter: The Facilitator should read a short story from Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul or from Chicken Soup for the Single Parents Souls. c. Pre-Assessment Activity i. Ask “What do you do to take care of yourself?” Write the question in large letters on the board. Have the participants answer the question in groups. Instruct the class to assign persons from their groups write their group’s responses on the board under the question. ii. Ask “Does your care or lack of care for yourself affect your children?” “Why or why not?” “If yes, how do you think it affects your children?” Write the questions in large letters on the board. Have the participants write their answers in their notebooks. Invite a few people to share what they wrote. iii. Ask “How do you handle stress and anger?” What do you do to cope with the pressure?” Have learners write their responses in column one of Worksheet # 6. d. Introductory Activity/Experiential i. Online Assessment (if computers are available you may ask parents to take the online assessment): http://singleparents.about.com/library/quiz/bl_self_care_quiz.htm ii. Direct the participants’ attention to the Self Care Circle, Worksheet #9. Show your completed sample and read and explain the instructions. Give the parents time to complete the circle (play music while the parents work). iii. Have learners volunteer to respond to how accurate they feel the results of the Self-care circle are. Direct the parents’ attention to the scales. 1. Ask: What did you learn about yourself? Are you surprised? Why or Why not? 2. As a transition to the mini lecture, you can say, now that we have recorded our ideas, let’s explore what the experts say about healthy ways to manage stress and anger and other ways to relax ourselves without spending a dime. e. Drama Performance f. Mini Lecture i. See lecture notes at the end of the chapter ii. Worksheet(s) # 6, 7

g. Demonstration Exercise Relaxation Exercise from the Mayo Clinic 1. Play the video entitled: Need to Relax? Take a Break to Meditate. If you do not have the equipment needed to play the video, light a candle and place it in an area where it can be seen by everyone in the class. Then read the transcript in Lecture Notes. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/meditation/MM00623 2. Play a 5-10 minute exercise video, take the class for a brisk walk around the block or within the building (use the stairs), or do 5 different exercises in sets of 10 (i.e. jumping jacks, jogging in place, leg lifts, etc.) h. Applied Work i. Journal Entries: Journal #3 During the week use at least 6 self-care techniques from Worksheet # 7 to relax and care for yourself. You may use several different techniques or use the same one if you find that you enjoy one more than another. Use the writing prompts from Journal #3 to guide your reflections. i. Conclusion i. Session Stopper: Play a song(s) on any of the themes taught throughout the lesson and direct the parents to paste their representation of the values/vision of themselves or their family behind the window pane. Ask each parent to write 1-3 things (terms/phrases) they learned today at the bottom of their window frame. ii. Have them walk up and tape the window panes onto the paper, canvas, or board frame that the bricks were attached to in the last session â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Lesson 1. VI. Supplementary Materials a. Toni Braxton: Breathe Again (Listen & discuss the lyrics as an example of what not to do!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5R2TeBS7n4 b. Michael W. Smith: This is the Air I Breathe http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oad8ov10AjY&feature=related VII. Material and Supplies a. I-pod dock, laptop with Internet access and speakers or CD and CD player b. Crayons and markers, name tags or name cards c. Scales and board/large easel pad

Worksheet #6 - Anger Management Instructions: 4. List the way you handle stress and anger in column one. 5. List the new strategies you learned for handling stress and anger in column two.

Kid, Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re Driving me Crazy! When I am angry with my children I usually . . .

When I am angry with my children I can . . .

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Types of Anger 1. ______________________________________ 2. ______________________________________ 37

Worksheet #7 Sometimes we fall into a trap of hopelessness by believing that we need more money and more time if we are ever going to succeed at taking care of ourselves. This is simply not true and since taking care of yourself is a major requirement when it comes to parenting well, it is extremely important that you have quick access to a list of ways that you can take care of yourself. Instructions: Pick ten ideas that you like and write them in the space provided. Taking better care of yourself will make you a better parent right away. You can start today!

Taking Care of Me 1. Take time to breathe and breathe deeply. 2. Drink lots of pure clean water. 3. Smile whenever you are on the phone. It will lift both your spirits and those of the person on the other end of the line. 4. Stretch with intention. Whenever you catch yourself feeling tight or stiff, take a few minutes to focus on the area of your body talking to you and stretch in anyway that feels yummy. 5. Pick flowers or greenery to from your own yard, from a friend’s who might love to share, or perhaps from a nearby woods or park. 6. Go to the library, curl up in a comfy chair and read something wonderful. 7. Take some quiet time during the day just for you. 8. Put on your favorite music and open up your ears and heart. 9. Go for a stroll, a jog, or a run. 10. Clean out a closet or a drawer. It feels great! 11. Complete one thing you have left undone and that is tugging at your attention. 12. Call up a friend to join you on a walk. 13. Go to a space where you can be alone and just dance. 14. Speak with complete honesty. 15. Learn something fun and new. 16. Tell someone just how much they mean to you. 17. Make a Self-Care Calendar and mark out times just for you. 18. Write a “Let it go” letter about something it is time to let go of. 19. Write a list of 50 things that make you smile and post it where you can see it daily. 20. Create a self-care network that supports you as you learn how to take better care of you. It could be a friend that becomes a “self-care buddy”, family members that understand your commitment to self-care, a support group, a book club, etc.

21. Make a date with a star-filled sky. By yourself or with others spend an evening star gazing. 22. Turn off the TV for a whole week. 23. Stop doing one thing that you know is not in your best self interest. Perhaps it is taking that second helping of food, talking about others behind their backs, complaining to no end, pushing too hard to reach a goal, etc. 24. Upgrade your language by catching your disempowering words. Choose one word or phrase (Ex: “I should”) and notice it every time you say it. Write it down. Notice the words lift your spirits and the ones that drag you down. 25. Smile at yourself in the mirror and say “I love you.” 26. A gratitude a day keeps the doctor away. Come up with one thing you can do each and everyday to practice gratitude. 27. Lighten up by being willing to laugh at yourself more often. 28. Exercise several times a week in a way that gets your heart pumping, your blood flowing, and fills up your tank with renewed energy. 29. Talk straight. Get really good at saying yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no. 30. Go on a picnic with a simple snack/meal. 31. Be creative. 32. Be willing to receive. We are so often masters at giving and yet find it hard to ask for help and to receive. 33. Ramp up your self-care awareness by making a list of all the things that get in the way of you taking great care of you. 34. Tend to your body with loving care. What ways can you take better care of your body? Start with the simple things like flossing your teeth. 35. Develop a meditation practice. 36. Take steps to sleep as well as possible. 37. Look for sources of inspiration like a beautiful sunset, talking with someone you admire, or reading poetry. 38. Practice forgiveness, both forgiveness towards yourself and others. 39. Laugh out loud at every chance you get. 40. Do something out of your ordinary routine to keep things fresh. 41. Brush your teeth. 42. Wrap yourself in a blanket. 43. Have a cup of tea. 44. Take a nap. 45. Get a hug. 46. Pray. 47. Get your back rubbed. 48. Ask for help! 49. Cry when you are sad. 50. Go easy on yourself. Take your time. Self-care is a lifetime journey and one that rewards you every step of the way!

Ways that I CAN Take Care of Me! ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ Source: Adapted from The Healing Place Manual and from Corrine Woods 50 Ways to Practice Great Self Care Without Spending a Dime

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Worksheet #8

- Stress Management

Instructions: 1. List the new strategies you learned for reducing stress. 2. Place a check mark next to three strategies you plan to use this week. 3. On the other side of this worksheet, write three things that happen when you are stressed.

Stress Relievers _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________

When I am stressed these three things can happen: 1. __________________________________________________________________ 2. __________________________________________________________________ 3. __________________________________________________________________ Notes from lecture: _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

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Worksheet # 9 The Self Care Circle is a simple and yet powerful tool to assist you in determining the quality of self care in your life. It provides a vivid visual representation of what is current and serves to spotlight the gap between where you are where you want to be. Directions: To complete the circle, rate your level of satisfaction in each slice of the pie. The center is zero (0). This represents that you are most dissatisfied with this area. The outside edge is ten (10). If you select ten you are saying that you are completely satisfied with that area. Place a mark along the line from 1â&#x20AC;&#x201D;10 on the area that best fits your situation. Once you place a mark on each line at the number that makes sense to you connect the dots. For most everyone you will see that your circle is out of balance. Take note of the areas that are most in need of attention and begin to take better care of yourself today! My Voice and Communication

10 Support to raise my family & have time for myself

My Body/ Health/ Energy/Fitness/Image

10 5 5

Fun/Creativity/ Recreation/Joy

10 Relationships

5 5

Home Physical Environment

Personal & Spiritual Growth

10 Time just for me Source: www.womansfieldguide.com Copyright ÂŠ 2008

Journal #3 Title: Breath Again: Self Care & Self Advocacy

Writing Prompts: Which 6 self-care techniques did you use this week? Did you use the same techniques every day? Why? Why not? What “gifts of time” did you discover this week? How did you use that time? Describe how you felt. _____________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

Window Pane Template Cut the panes out so that the image that you created can be attached to back and be visible through the panes.

Lecture Notes Chapter 2 Breathe Again: Self Care and Self Advocacy

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Self-Care

What is self-care? Self care is personal health maintenance. It is any activity of an individual, family or community, with the intention of improving or restoring health, or treating or preventing disease. Self care includes all health decisions people make for themselves and their families to get and stay physically and mentally fit. Self care is exercising to maintain physical fitness and good mental health. It is also eating well, self-medicating, practicing good hygiene and avoiding health hazards such as smoking to prevent ill health. Self care is also taking care of minor ailments, long term conditions, or one’s own health after discharge from health care.

What self-care is not! Self-care is not selfish! On the contrary, taking care of yourself is one of the best ways to ensure that your children get the best of you instead of just what is left of you. A few things most parents have in common are lack of time, lack of money and lack of sleep. These are a formula sure to lead to poor parenting. No matter how much we love our children when our bodies, minds, and spirits are deprived of necessities such as healthy food, exercise, and time alone to think we cannot function with clear minds and hearts and as parents, we need to demonstrate the values that we want to see. Remember that, in many instances, poor parenting comes from poor self-care. For example, when you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired and have not had the time you need to eat, calm down, spend time with family, co-workers or friends or get some sleep, you are more likely to lash out at your children. You are not a bad parent. You just need some time to take care of you. Don’t push through the stress alone. Relax. And begin to use the information in this lesson to help you cope. You can begin today! Let’s learn how. Stop now and take another look at your self-care circles. Take note of your weakest areas so that you can make the changes that you need to make to get care in that area.

Gifts of Time There are various definitions for gifts of time but for our class we will define gifts of time as those brief, small moments in each day when, unexpectedly, you get a moment to yourself. No matter how busy you are, these gifts of time present themselves to us all every day. Raising our awareness that these presents are given to us on a daily basis help us to look for them and to make the best use of our gifts of time when they come our way. For fun and to engage the parents you may want to read each statement and have the class or individual students say, “This is a gift of time!” when you point to them.

For example: •

• • • • • • • •

You arrive for a meeting and the secretary asks you to have a seat and wait until the person is ready to see you. This also happens frequently when visiting the doctor’s office. Waiting for or riding the train or the bus. You awake before your children. Someone cancels an appointment or meeting you planned to attend. Using the bathroom. Waiting for or preparing breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Children are doing homework. At the Laundromat. Children are playing together or watching TV.

When these instances occur in your day use them to relax for a few minutes! If a meeting is cancelled, use that hour or more to relax. Don’t talk on the phone or sit at a computer or pick the children up early. Find your list and use the self-care techniques that most relax you. You can use any of the self-care techniques, read a book, exercise, etc. If you want to you may invite your children to share in the gift of time with you by exercising with you, reading aloud to you (or you to them), etc. This is a great way to build relationship with your child. However do not feel like you have to include your child. Self-care is about you getting what you need to parent well and that’s not selfish – that’s wise! Ø Look at Worksheet #7 – Good self-care can be fun and it can be FREE!

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Anger Management

What is anger? According to the American Psychological Association (APA) anger is an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, and so does the level of your energy hormones, adrenalin and noradrenalin. Ø Look again at Worksheet #6 and fill in the types of anger. There are two types of anger. 1. External anger 2. Internal anger External Anger When we become angry at people or events this is external anger. Internal Anger On the other hand, when we are angry because of our life circumstances or because of memories of some traumatic event in our lives this is internal anger. Ø Emphasize with the parents that part of self-care is recognizing, accepting and taking care of our emotions. Share the following eight practical anger management techniques from certified Parent Coach Jennifer Wolfe: Important Note: The strategies are designed specifically for single parents and all of the participants may not be single. However, the techniques are excellent for both two-parent and single-parent situations. Ø Tell the class to listen and to take note of five strategies that they want to use during the week. Eight Anger Management Strategies 1. Give Yourself Permission to Be Angry Chances are, if you're feeling angry, it's for a good reason! But sometimes we make it harder to process our anger because we don't recognize it. Are you angry? What about, specifically? This may feel odd, but try saying that out loud to yourself. "I'm angry because..." How does that feel to you?

2. Let Go of the Shame It's okay to be angry about being a single parent. That doesn't make you a bad parent! On the other hand, being angry and not recognizing it can hurt you and those you love. That anger is going to come out, one way or another. Naming it is the first step toward dealing with it in a healthy way. 3. Create a Space for Dealing with Your Anger Let's face it. As a single parent, you don't get a lot of time to yourself. Add to that the fact that you're probably trying to conceal some of your emotions around the kids, and holding it all it can take a heavy toll on you. Try to create space in your life for processing your feelings. Close your bedroom door and have a conversation in front of your mirror, or sit in the living room after the kids have gone to bed and listen to some music that you identify with. 4. Write it Down Even if you're not a person who typically enjoys journaling, you may find it extremely helpful to get the anger out of your heart and mind by putting it down on paper. Sometimes it's even helpful to write a letter you never plan to mail, telling the person at the center of your angry emotions how they've hurt you and why you're angry. 5. Confide in a Friend Get together with someone you trust and pour out your broken heart. It may be difficult to share some of the pain out loud, but think about this: If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to be there for your friend? Let someone in and share how you're feeling. Chances are, you'll feel a whole lot lighter. 6. Talk With Other Single Parents We have a great community here at this training. It's a safe place to share your feelings and gain some fresh ideas for moving forward. 7. Get Moving Physical movement is a great way to deal with anger. Make time in your schedule for regular walks, whether that's putting the baby in a stroller first thing in the morning or getting out of the office on your lunch hour. It's a perfect opportunity to be alone in your head, and the fresh air and exercise will provide added benefits. 8. Be Honest With Your Kids Being honest about how you feel can be a huge relief! It's okay to acknowledge to your children that you are angry. In fact, they probably know this already. You'll want to keep in mind, though, that being honest does not mean telling them the details they don't need to know. You can simply say, "I'm feeling angry right now, but I'm working through it, and I know things are going to get better soon." Ă&#x2DC;ď&#x192;&#x2DC; Now, direct the parentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; back to Worksheet #6, column two. Give them time to write in the five strategies they can use during the week. Ask them to compare and contrast the answers they gave in the Pre-Assessment Activity with the 49

answers they have in column two. Ask, “What was most helpful for you from the lecture?” Record their responses.

§

Stress Management

What is Stress? Stress is psychological tension or mental or emotional strain. Ø Direct the class to Worksheet #8. Here they can take notes from your lecture.

What happens when you are stressed? According to Joan LeFebre, Professor of Family Development at the University of Wisconsin, stress causes three things to happen: 1. Sensitivity increases 2. Thought processes are affected 3. Behavior changes 1. Increased sensitivity Increased sensitivity is a heightened state of alert which helps you monitor existing threats and become aware of new ones. However, increased sensitivity can show up as impatience to loud sounds or other strong reactions to what you are sensing such as a child crying, a sibling squabble, or a blaring TV. 2. Thought Processes Stress affects your thought processes initially by narrowing your focus and later by the inability to focus. Think of a time when you had an argument with someone and couldn’t get it out of your mind. (That’s a narrow focus.) Or if you don't address a stressful work day at or soon after work, you might be distracted and find it hard to focus on your family’s needs. With long-term or high stress, you can lose focus or find it difficult to make decisions. 3. Behavior Stress affects your behavior. When stressed, you’re more likely to be irritable, find yourself eating more or not being hungry, sleeping more or having trouble sleeping, and/or increasing your use of alcohol, other drugs, caffeine, nicotine, or sugar. Following a trying work situation and facing additional demands at home, you might resort to some of these behaviors. With long-term or high stress, behavior changes can become more serious and the help of a counselor or therapist is needed. Recognizing one or more of these three stress signs is a reminder to make different choices and to practice self-care.

Making Different Choices – Stress Relievers When you are stressed, you can: • Reduce demands by saying, “No.” or “I am sorry. I thought I could do that but I am too overwhelmed right now.” • Increase resources. (E.g. get help from family, babysitters, day care, place of worship, etc.) Other ways to reduce demands include getting help from your children. When children help in appropriate ways it increases their sense of responsibility and confidence in themselves. One way to begin is by having children keep their living space clean. Increasing resources includes working on a positive attitude, maintaining a sense of humor, connecting with others in your community, and/or learning to use the power of relaxation techniques. Almost all parents report that they have feelings of anger and stress. You can not eliminate anger or stress from your life but you can gain control by managing the anger and stress. These emotions threaten your health and since your health is a critical requirement for good parenting you have to get control of these emotions. The great news is that, just as there are many free ways to care for yourself, there are ways to de-stress that do not require a lot of time or effort. Ø Look at Worksheet #7 again and ask volunteers to read their favorite 10 ideas aloud. Ø Let’s try stress reliever #35 right now! If possible dim the lights during this exercise. During the demonstration exercise read the following relaxation exercise. Your goal is to “prove” to the parents how, in just a few short minutes, that they can renew their minds, spirits and bodies and regain the energy they need to parent with less tension and stress. If you have access to the Internet you can follow this link to the video: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/meditation/MM00623 . If you do not have Internet access, see the notes under (e.), the Demonstration Exercise section of the outline and read the transcript below during the meditation. .

Demonstration Exercise - Relaxation Meditation

TRANSCRIPT Need a few minutes to relax? Get comfortable in your chair. Loosen any tight, uncomfortable clothing. Let your arms rest loosely at your side. Allow yourself a few moments to relax. If your thoughts wander, just let them while gently moving your attention back to the relaxation. If you become anxious or uncomfortable, stop the relaxation by clicking on the pause button. To begin, focus your eyes on the candle flame. Notice its simplicity and its beauty. Take time to notice your breathing, gradually slowing down the rate of inhaling and exhaling as you become more comfortable. Now relax and enjoy the feeling. Close your mouth and relax your shoulders, releasing any tension that's built up. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose. Let the air you breathe in push your stomach out. Hold your breath in as you slowly count to four. Breathe out slowly through your mouth as you continue counting up to six. Breathe in (three, four, five, six). Hold (two, three, four). Breathe out (three, four, five, six). Breathe in (three, four, five, six). Hold (two, three and four). Breathe out (three, four, five, six). Breathe in (three, four, five, six). Hold (two, three, four). Breathe out (three, four, five, six). Breathe in (three, four, five, six). Hold (two, three, four). Breathe out (three, four, five, six). Breathe in (three, four, five, six). Hold (two, three, four). Breathe out (three, four, five, six). 52

Continue breathing in (four, five, six). Hold (two, three, four). And out (three, four, five, six). Remember, if stray thoughts enter your mind; gently return your attention to the relaxation. Now, as you breathe out, silently and calmly repeat to yourself: My breathing is smooth and rhythmic. My breathing is smooth and rhythmic. My breathing is easy and calm. My breathing is easy and calm. It feels very pleasant. If you'd like, you may close your eyes now and focus on the music, or continue to look at the flame. Continue to repeat to yourself: My breathing is smooth and rhythmic. My breathing is smooth and rhythmic. I am peaceful and calm. I am peaceful and calm. Continue to take deep, rhythmic breaths. Let the tension fade away each time you breathe out. Let the music soothe you. If you've closed your eyes, gently open them and gaze at the candle flame. Return to your day peaceful, more focused and relaxed.

Stress (continued) If possible, please give the parents water after their meditation or give them few minutes to go to a fountain or cooler so that they can hydrate themselves – another self care technique! Ø Direct parents to Worksheets #7 and #8. Read the directions and give them a few minutes to complete the assessments. They may need to ask you to repeat information from the lecture if you did not right the key points on the board.

Resources for Self-Care As parents we are always busy and it is easy to forget about taking good care of ourselves. Sometimes, when we get a moment to care for ourselves we are just too worn out to do anything at all. Create a list of things you can do and places you can go by yourself to relax. This may be the solution you need to help you become a better parent by taking better care of you! Your list may include books, DVDs, local exercise or parenting classes; online classes; art, dance or music classes; counselors and/or friends you can visit and talk with, local places of worship you can visit to meditate or join in activities, local libraries, places you can volunteer your time, etc.

LESSON 3

Support Lean on Me: Building and Using Support Systems

I. Lesson Overview Don’t even think about trying to parent alone. The well known African proverb that says, “It takes a village to raise a child,” is absolutely true and as the old song reminds us, “We all need somebody to lean on!” This lesson will teach you why support systems are important and how to use them, how to select quality child-care, and what resources and support systems you should look for in your home, school and community. II. Advanced Preparation a. Choose a short story related to this week’s topic to read/listen to as a Session Starter i. Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul ii. Chicken Soup for the Single Parent’s Soul b. Read Mini Lecture c. Gather all items noted in Material & Supplies section III. Lesson Objectives a. To make students aware of the need/values of extended networks by asking them to write the names of the people, places, or organizations in that network b. To teach strategies for building and using extended networks c. To identify myths about support and parenting d. To list, discuss, and watch video clips that describe at least six requirements of quality childcare IV. Measurable Outcomes a. Given definitions and examples of extended family, learners will be able to judge whether they have and/or use their own extended networks to support them in parenting b. Given a list of myths about parenting and/or the support that is required to parent, learners will be able to differentiate between false and true statements and will be able to rewrite false statements so that they are true c. Given terms and definitions that teachers or counselors may use to discuss their children, learners will be able to identify the terms and match them to their definition d. Given their viewing of an informational video, learners will be able to list, recognize, and site examples of six requirements of quality childcare facilities e. Given a list of special education and homeless children terms used by counselors and teachers, learners will be able to recognize the terms and dramatize how they might use the terms in a role-play 55

V. Lesson Breakdown a. Summarize Lesson 2: i. In our last session we learned the importance of refreshing our minds, spirits, and bodies with self- care and by managing anger and relieving stress. Today we continue to add to our parenting toolkits by learning why support systems are key to helping us succeed as parents and by learning how to establish or sustain those supports systems. We also dispel myths about parenting and support, get information on how to spot quality daycare for our children, learn and use important terms and definitions that will help us to interact with school counselors and teachers so that we can get the help our children need. b. Session Starter: The Facilitator should read a relevant short story from Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul or from Chicken Soup for the Single Parents Souls c. Pre-Assessment Activity i. The KWLH Chart helps you to assess what your class knows (K), wants to know (W), learned (L), and how they will use what they learned (H). Have the parents complete the K and the W. Invite volunteers to share what they wrote with the group. ii. KWLH Charts Worksheet #10 iii. Play Lean on Me while the students work 1. Kirk Franklin: Lean on Me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTjSCy-R2M&feature=PlayList&p=DB267464CDDDD425&playnext =1&index=5 2. Mary J. Blige at President Obamaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Inauguration: Lean on Me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goX5SNlJi2Q d. Introductory Activity/Experiential i. Myth Busters Worksheet #11 1. Hand out cards with both true and false statements on them. Have the parents search for the person with the statement that will make the statement on the card they have true (if they carry a false statement) and false (if they carry a true statement). 2. Play music while the parents play ii. Discuss the results. Use the discussion as a transition into the performance or lecture. You may ask: 1. What types of support do parents need? 2. What support systems do you already use? How? 3. What happens to you when you do not have the support? 4. Are your children affected? How? e. Drama Performance 56

f. Mini Lecture i. See lecture notes at the end of the chapter ii. Worksheets #12, 13, 14 iii. Extended Family Network Worksheets #12 1. Play Kelly Price: Help is on the Way http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sK-bW7sTfIk g. Demonstration Exercise i. Role Play using the special and homeless education terms and definitions from the lecture. Cast school teacher/counselors and parents. See Worksheet #14 h. Applied Work i. Journal Entries 1. Journal #4 a. During the week use the writing prompts from Journal #4 to guide your reflections. i. Conclusion i. Session Stopper: Play song(s) again as the parents work. ii. Ask each parent to find 3-5 pictures or words in magazines or newspapers that represent what they learned today. Have the parents paste the pictures to green poster board. Connect all of the parents’ boards like a quilt. This “quilt” becomes the lawn for the home they have been constructing. iii. Use the paper doll template. Ask parents to decorate them and name them. They should name the dolls for people, places or organizations that support them. These “people” can then be places in or around the home the parents are creating. The people could also be molded from clay. VI. Supplementary Materials a. Magazines/Newspapers b. Glue c. Scissors d. Poster Boards (green) VII. Material and Supplies a. I-pod dock, laptop with Internet access and speakers or CD and CD player b. Crayons and markers c. Name Tags or Name cards d. Board/Large Easel Pad e. Felt f. Construction Paper g. Crayola Model Magic

Worksheet #10 Instructions: 1. Read the question in the first two columns and write your answers in the columns. Do not write in the third and fourth columns. 2. Read the questions in the last two columns and write your answers.

KWLH Chart What do you KNOW about building and using your networks to help you as a parent?

WHAT do you want to know about building and using your networks to help you as a parent?

What did you LEARN about building and using your networks to help you as a parent?

HOW are you going to use what you have learned about building and using your networks to help you as a parent? HOW can you learn more?

Worksheet #11 Myth Busters Instructions: Using the cards the instructor gives you, find a person with a statement on their card that makes yours false (if it is true) or that makes your true (if it is false).

T rue

F alse

You can be a good parent on your own.

You cannot become the best parent you can be without help from others.

Some parents have this all figured out. Some parents are just perfect.

There is NO such thing as perfect parents.

What is wrong with me? I should be able to be a good parent on my own.

Parenting is the toughest job on the planet. No one does a good job at it if they try to do it alone.

Worksheet #11 Myth Busters (continued) Instructions: Using the cards the instructor gives you find a person with a statement on their card that makes yours false (if it is true) or that makes your true (if it is false).

T rue

F alse

Asking for support is a sign of weakness and failure.

Asking for support is a sign of wisdom!

Parenting comes naturally once you have children.

Parenting does not come naturally once you have children. It is a skill that you have to learn and practice.

I should only need help parenting, if I am in a crisis situation.

Parents can always use a helping hand. Even if they are not in a crisis situation.

Worksheet #12 Extended Networks Instructions: Answer the questions below with the information you learned during todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lecture

1. What is an extended family network? ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 2. Do you have an extended family network? Do you need one? ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

3. List the names of people, organizations, or places that can or do support you as a parent. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

Worksheet #13 Child Care Providers Instructions: Fill in the indicators for quality childcare and childcare alternatives below.

Quality Childcare There are numerous things to consider when looking for quality childcare. Three things you should consider are: 1.____________________________________________________ 2.____________________________________________________ 3.____________________________________________________ 4. ____________________________________________________ 5. ____________________________________________________ 6. ____________________________________________________

A few alternatives to sending my child to daycare are; 1.____________________________________________________ 2.____________________________________________________ 3.____________________________________________________ 4.

Worksheet #14 Matching Definitions & Terms When seeking support for your child in school here are terms that you will hear professionals use. Becoming familiar with the terms and definitions for those terms empowers you to be a confident parent and advocate for your child. Instructions: Match the terms with the correct definition by drawing a line to connect the terms

MATCHING GAME Terms Assistive Technology

Developmental Delay

Individualized Family Service Plan (IFSP)

Best Interest

Early Intervention or EI

Definitions Any item, piece of equipment, or product system that is modified or customized to increase, maintain, or improve the functional capabilities of a child with a disability. (Enlarged photocopies of text-book pages or a pencil grip, using a tape recorder or other specialized computer equipment.) A child, ages two through eight, who is experiencing delays when compared with peers, in physical, cognitive, communication, social or emotional, or adaptive development. This includes children from birth to two years. It is a plan that looks development of fine motor skills (for example, grasping and gripping an object) and gross motor skills (for example, jumping, skip-ping, and walking) that may be assessed during the referral process. An assessment for older children is called an IEP. Refers to making a decision consistent with the McKinneyVento Act about where students should attend school when they are home-less. Parents or guardians (or youth if unaccompanied) should work with school personnel to make this determination. The term used to describe a special education program to address the needs of children with disabilities ages birth through two years.

Worksheet #14 (continued) Other Terms & Definitions School personnel may use the following terms when discussing special education services and homelessness. * NOTE: The following definitions have been compiled from a variety of sources. The contents of this dictionary do not necessarily represent definitions endorsed by the U.S. Department of Education. Source: http://www.csun.edu/~ffrc/Dictionary_Spec_Ed.htm cognitive- a term that describes the process people use for remembering, reasoning, understanding, and using judgment. counseling- advice or help given by someone qualified to give such advice or help (often psychological counseling) early intervention services or programs- programs or services designed to identify and treat a developmental problem as early as possible. evaluation- (applies to school-aged children); a way of collecting information about a student's learning needs, strengths, and interests; the evaluation is part of the process of determining whether a student qualifies for special education programs and services handicap- the result of any physical or mental condition that affects or prevents one's ability to develop, achieve, and/or function in an educational setting at a normal rate Least Restrictive Environment (LRE)- an educational setting or program that provides a student with handicaps the chance to work and learn to the best of his or her ability; it also provides the student with as much contact as possible with children without handicaps, while meeting all of the child's learning needs and physical requirements. occupational therapy- a therapy or treatment provided by an occupational therapist that helps an individual developmental or physical skills that will aid in daily living; it focuses on the use of hands and fingers; on co-ordination of movement; and on self-help skills, such as dressing, eating with a fork and spoon, etc. physical therapy- treatment of (physical) disabilities given by a trained physical therapist (under doctor's orders) that includes the use of massage, exercise, etc. to help the person improve the use of bones, muscles, joints, and nerves special education program/services- programs, services, or specially designed instruction (offered at no cost to families) for children over 3 years old with special needs who are found eligible for such services; these include special learning methods or materials in the regular classroom, and special classes and programs if the learning or physical problems are serious special needs- (as in "special needs" child- a term to describe a child who has handicaps or is at risk for developing handicaps who requires special services or treatment in order to progress speech/language therapy- a planned program to improve and correct and/or language or communication problems in people who are not thought to be able to improve without such help transition- a time in a person's life when he moves form one educational program to another

Journal #4 Title: Lean on Me: Building and Using Support Systems

Writing Prompts: How well have you used your extended network of support? How can you better use the support that is available to you? Name three things you can do this week?

_____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________

Extended Family Networks Template

Source: http://z.about.com/d/familycrafts/1/0/P/5/2/pdbody1.jpg

Lecture Notes Chapter 3 §

Lean on Me: Building and Using Support Systems Extended

Family Networks What is an extended family network? A mother, father, and children who live in the same household are considered nuclear families. However there is another type of family – the extended family. According to the Britannica Encyclopedia, extended families are an expansion of the nuclear family. In some parts of the world extended family exists because without the involvement of other relatives, the family could not meet its own needs. There are also cultural, non-economic reasons that other family, kin or extended family members are considered essential to helping parents take care of their families. Many traditional American families consider the nuclear or basic family unit to be only the mother father and children but for some cultures, such as the Africans, Koreans, the Middle Easterners, the Jewish family of Central Europe, the Latin Americans, the Indians, the East Asians, the Italians, the Greeks, the Maori and the Pacific Islanders, extended families are the basic family unit. For cultures like these, extended family is not limited to grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins but it includes close friends and neighbors and the children of spouses. Why is this essential information for parenting? Well, these facts remind us that people have depended upon their larger network of family and friends for generations before we began to parent, and in many cultures as a result of doing so often received the much needed help of others to rear their children and care for themselves in the process. Needing help to do this job is not a new idea. If you do not have help by way of an extended family network you have to begin to create a support network. Remember, parenting does not come naturally. We all need help. When the help is not present we have a responsibility to our children and to ourselves to go and find it. Ø This is a good point at which to engage the students in a brief dialogue. There are other questions in the outline. You may ask the parents: 1. How do you feel when you need to ask for help? Why? 2. Have you ever needed help and asked too late or not at all? What was the result of not asking? What did you learn? Sometimes the pressure that we feel as parents comes from our perceptions of what others around us expect or from the unrealistic pressures we place on ourselves as parents. Some of these images or thoughts are imposed upon us from the media. For example, you watch TV shows with “perfect families” and begin to compare yourself and

your family to those visions instead of to your own. This can lead to extra stress and depression, especially when we cannot change ourselves or our families so that we are like what we see. Ø Ask the parents, 1. What does society expect from you as a parent? 2. What do others (friends, family, significant others, spouses) expect? 3. What do you expect from yourself? Are these expectations realistic? Are they real? Ø Take note of the students’ responses and mention any of the myths below. You may say, “How many of you feel that you (insert any one point from below)?”

Myths about Parenting & Support • • • • • • • • • •

You can do it alone Some parents are just perfect You should be able to do it alone Getting support is a sign of failure Parenting comes naturally once you have children Other people with more money, both parents in the home, or with more education do not need as much help as I need Other people’s children are easier to manage than my children are I should only need help in times of crisis I should be prepared to give up my identity to raise my children Some families are just perfect

Ø Play Myth Busters – See Worksheet #12

There is no Shame in Asking for Help Even parents who seem to have a perfect life need help. Parenting is just hard! You may read the entire article/make copies for your class by visiting: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2009/01/31/AR2009013101876.h tml?hpid=topnews In her February 1, 2009 article, From the Second City, An Extended First-Family, Washington Post Staff Writer, Eli Saslow reports on the necessity of extended family networks. Read the following summary about the article to the class.

After Obama announced plans to run for president in February 2007, the extended family worked to adapt. Marian, who had never before wanted to retire, quit her job so she could watch over Malia and Sasha and sometimes spent the night at their home in Hyde Park while the Obamas campaigned. She listened to the girls’ morning piano practice and then ferried them to school, tennis, gymnastics, dance and drama — a modern parenting schedule that sometimes made Marian yearn for actual retirement, she joked. Still, she loved being around her grandchildren, and she insisted on watching them rather than hiring a babysitter. In the Robinson family, nobody relied too heavily on babysitters. With dozens of aunts, uncles and cousins nearby, Marian thought, why would you? The First-family recognized that they would not succeed unless they asked for help. So they asked. Why wouldn’t you? §

Childcare Options & Expectations

What should I look for in childcare provider? Most parents want the best for their children. One way to ensure that you choose a quality child care facility is to get as much information as possible about what is required of these professionals. By arming yourself with good information you will know exactly what to look for. You will not have to guess and you will have peace of mind when placing your children in the care of someone else. Note: The transcript of the videos is at the end of this chapter for your information. You may choose to give a summary on the content of each video before the students view them. Also, if you have no access to the Internet you can lecture from the information on the transcript which provides parents with important information on all six of the topics below. View the following online videos with your class. Training & Education Caregiver Interaction Caregiver to Child Ratios

Activity Health & Safety Family Child Care

Eight Ways to Prepare Your Child for Daycare Sending your child to daycare can be scary, disturbing, worrisome, bring feelings of guilt or all of the above. However, experts tend to agree that YOU are the most important factor that determines how well your child makes the adjustment from your home to

someone else’s care. So, here is the information you need so that you and your child will be okay. Follow the eight tips below: 1. Find Playful Ways to Talk about Childcare Read stories or draw pictures about daycare with your child. Another way to ease into the change is to set up play dates with kids from the center (or in-home location) to get them familiar with their new peers. 2. Visit the Facility First Going together to the center before the first day will help your child get acquainted with the environment and give you a point of reference when you talk about where he or she will be staying. "Infants and toddlers usually do well with a parent bringing them and staying for a couple of hours, for a couple of days," explains one expert. "For preschoolers, it can be helpful to have the parent leave for a few hours to ease them into the program." 3. Explain the Schedule Making your child aware of his or her schedule during the day is key. Talk to children about the daily schedule. Tell them what to expect for circle time, snacks, rest and outdoor play. It doesn't hurt to create a ritual for good-byes. Some kids know they get a certain number of hugs and kisses before walking parents to the door, or look forward to waving until parents are out of sight. 4. Disappearing Acts The parent who "sneaks" away instead of saying goodbye runs the risk of damaging a child's sense of trust. It is better to offer the security of an explanation, like "Mommy has to go to work," and leave with a kiss and a hug. 5. Bring Special Items from Home Sending something from home, such as a blanket or stuffed animal, can help children in a new daycare situation, especially during the "good-bye" transition. It's important that the item be something from home—it's a connection for them. Studies have shown that babies can be calmed when there are pictures of family members or even parents' clothing items in their daytime cribs. 6. Make Sure Physicals are Current Before starting daycare, sure children's state-mandated immunizations are up-to-date. Special healthcare conditions or allergies should be discussed with providers beforehand, and procedures and dosages for medication should be put in writing (most providers require that forms be completed). 7. Provide Contact Information Be sure your childcare provider has list of emergency contacts—people s/he can call if you're not available in an emergency. Your list should include your own work and cell 70

phone numbers as well as three other emergency contacts' names, addresses, and phone numbers. It's also a good idea to include names of any person you may NOT want to pick up your child. 8. Bring the Right Gear Keeping children's cubbies stocked with essentials helps to keep them comfortable while you're away. Label everything clearly with the child's name and have a special bag for taking items back and forth each day. §

Childcare Checklist

What should your child bring to childcare? All ages 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Bedding and blankets for naptime Extra clothes (include extra pants if potty training) Jackets/hats/coats/boots for outdoor play Sunscreen Special toy, picture, or other reminder of home

Babies 1. Diapers, wipes, and diaper ointment 2. Pacifiers 3. Bottles (an insulated bottle holder is good for transporting milk or formula) Ø Have students complete Worksheet #13 §

Other Resources & Information

Gaining Advice and Assistance from your Child’s School Another skill of a good parent is to be proactive or to plan ahead for things you expect may happen. The research teaches us that children who live in shelters are at an increased risk for educational challenges. These challenges may include but are not limited to dietary changes, frequent absence and lateness from school and academic delays due to living with increased stress or to dealing with moving frequently. One study indicates that children living in shelters: • are absent more frequently, • are identified as having developmental delays four times as frequently, • are identified as having learning disabilities twice as frequently, and • are retained in a grade twice as often.

Note: Highlight that this is not, of course, the case for all children whose families are in transition, but these are facts that parents need to be aware of so they can know what to do to get help for your child or what to do to make sure they avoid some of the challenges noted above. Defy the Odds: Know your Terms Statistics give us important information but your child does not have to become a statistic. Let’s review some of the common terms that school administrators or counselors may use to discuss special education and/or assisting children in shelters. Ø Read, define, and give examples of the terms listed below. Direct the parents to take notes. After you have reviewed the terms have the parents complete Worksheet #14. Ø After the worksheet is complete role-play using the special and homeless education terms and definitions from the lecture. Cast school teacher, counselors and parents. You may have one team do the role play and have other observe or have the class role-play in pairs or groups at the same time and report to the whole group. After the role play ask: • How many terms were you able to use? • How did you feel talking to the counselor and teacher using these terms? Have the students return to Worksheet #10 to complete the last two columns of the KWLH Chart. Once the chart is complete, end the class with students decorating the paper dolls and making grass for their home. See guide in the outline at the start of Lesson 3. §

Terms You May Hear

School personnel may use the following terms when discussing special education services and homelessness. Assistive Technology means any item, piece of equipment, or product system, whether acquired commercially off the shelf, modified, or cus-tomized, that is used to increase, maintain, or improve the functional capabilities of a child with a disability.”5 This includes both “low tech” items (such as enlarged photocopies of text-book pages or a pencil grip) and “high tech” options (such as using a tape recorder or specialized computer equipment). Developmental Delay refers to a disability affecting a child, ages two through eight, who following areas: physical, cognitive, communication, social or emotional development. is

experiencing delays when compared with peers, on appropriate measures in one or more of the Early Intervention or EI is the term used to describe a special education program to address the needs of children with disabilities ages birth through two years. Early Childhood Special Education or ECSE is the special education program to address the needs of children with disabilities ages three through five who have not begun kindergarten.

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Teacher Resources Lesson 3

Video Transcript Voice Over What does High-Quality Child Care look like? Watch the following videos to find out! Segment 1 - Training & Education Training in early childhood development provides higher quality programs for children. When visiting a child care program, talk about any types of training caregivers have; ongoing training opportunities; and check to see if there will always be someone present trained in CPR and first aid; child abuse prevention; and positive guidance techniques. Segment 2 - Caregiver Interaction If your child is supervised at all times he or she will be less likely to be injured, as well as more likely to be engaged in activities that promote learning. When observing a child care program, you will want to notice the level of caregiver supervision. Watch caregiver interaction with your child and other children in the program, Are caregivers welcoming? Do they interact both with the group and your child individually? Notice whether or not caregivers respond to children's needs and requests. How do they do so? Do they offer encouragement and support? Regular communication improves your child's language skills. Take note of how often caregivers engage children in conversations. Segment 3 - Caregiver to Child Ratios Recommended guidelines for caregiver to child ratios in high-quality child care are: • one caregiver to 3 or 4 infants or young toddlers , • one caregiver to 4 or 6 toddlers, • one caregiver to 6 or 9 preschoolers. Older children do well in larger groups, but the smaller the group size the more one-toone attention your child will receive.

Segment 4 - Activity It is important that learning opportunities are provided to your child daily through regular scheduled activities or a curriculum. When observing child care programs, notice whether or not there are designated play or learning areas that are readily available and easily accessible to children. Such areas include places for reading; sensory development; role play; music; art; and science or math. The more these activities reflect your child's interests, the more positive the developmental benefits to your child. In addition to the various learning stations, high-quality child care should offer your child the opportunity to develop and practice tasks for daily living. These skills include setting and clearing the table, and serving their own food or drink. Segment 5 - Health & Safety Health and safety indicators to look for when observing a high-quality child care program include: • Outdoor play areas surrounded by a safety barrier and soft materials, such as rubber, sand or mulch under equipment to cushion falls. • Diapering areas cleaned and disinfected after each changing and separate from the “main area” of the program. • Regular hand-washing occurs to greatly reduce the chance of spreading germs. Notice the accessibility of sinks to the children. Segment 6 - Family Child Care High-quality Family Child Care providers should have ongoing training when caring for children. You want a caregiver to be welcoming to your child. Watch how the caregiver responds to each child's needs or requests. Do they communicate with your child on a regular basis? Ask about any daily or weekly planned activities that your child will be able to participate in. Will these activities help your child learn? Take note of the environment your child will be in - what health and safety standards are being followed? Family Child Care and child care centers follow the same guidelines when it comes to high-quality care. For more on specific areas of high-quality indicators, visit one of the other video segments.

LESSON 4 Parenting with Grace: Effective Communication I. Lesson Overview In the following lesson various types of communication are defined and described. General strategies for better communicating with children of all ages are shared and special attention is given to active and empathetic listening. II. Advanced Preparation a. Choose a short story related to this weekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s topic to read/listen to as a Session Starter i. Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul ii. Chicken Soup for the Single Parentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Soul b. Read Mini Lecture c. Read article on Empathetic Listening (see Teacher Resources at the end of this chapter) d. Gather all items noted in Material & Supplies section III. Lesson Objectives a. To evaluate application of communication skills in the home by reviewing/discussing weekly journal entries b. To practice using the ten active listening communication skills in a role play IV. Measurable Outcomes a. Given a list of seven active listening techniques, learners will be able to fill in the correct terms and definitions b. Given five active listening tips with examples, learners will be able to select the techniques they need to apply to a personal situation c. Given five active listening tips with examples, learners will be able to identify which techniques are being modeled during a conversation d. Given ten tips for effective communication via the skill of active listening, learners will demonstrate their understanding of the tip in a role play V. Lesson Breakdown a. Summarize Lesson 1: i. In our last session we learned that it is important to ask for help from extended family networks. Additionally, we learned how to identify quality childcare and we reviewed ways to ease the transition into childcare for our children. Finally we learned key terms and definitions that will help to talk to school administrators, counselors and teachers.

b. Session Starter: The Facilitator should read a short story from Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul or from Chicken Soup for the Single Parents Souls c. Pre-Assessment Activity i. Ask the students, “What is communication?” ii. Ask, “In what ways do we communicate?” iii. Ask, “What is most difficult about communicating with your kids ?” Ø Post the responses where they can be seen and refer to these throughout the lesson to affirm what they shared that is already contained in the lesson. Encourage them to keep using those strategies that are positive and mention how the strategies in the lesson (or lessons past) can help with what they said is most difficult about communicating with their children. d. Introductory Activity/Experiential i. Have the students experience verbal and non-verbal communication by playing the following two games. Discuss what they learn at the end of the game(s). Game 1: Whisper Down the Lane This game is called by many names around the world. It is called Stille post in Germany (meaning silent). It is called Visklek in Sweden and Telefono senza fili in Italy (meaning "telephone without wires"). It is also called Broken Telephone or, in America, Gossip. The point is that the timeless childhood game teaches us so much about communication. Teacher – whisper something in the ear of parent #1 and ask them to tell the person nearest them who tells the person nearest them. This continues until the last person receives the secret. The last person stands to announce the secret. Observe how the secret has changed and discuss how the intent of messages changes from our original intent as we communicate with our children and others. Game 2: The Parenting Mime Game You need at least four people to play. Split the players into two teams. Team #2 leaves the room while team #1 comes up with a good parenting related action to mime (sleepless nights, frustrated communication over some matter, having fun with your children at a park/movie/playground, doing little girl’s hair, etc.). After they have it and have practiced, one player from team #2 comes back and one player from team #1mimes the action for them. Then a second player from team #2 comes back to the room and the first player from team #2 has to mime it for their teammate. Repeat until all of the players on team #2 are back in the room. The last player on team #2 guesses the action. e. Drama Performance 76

f. Mini Lecture i. See lecture notes at the end of the chapter ii. Worksheet(s) #15, 16 g. Demonstration Exercise i. Role Play ii. Worksheet #17 h. Applied Work i. Journal Entries 1. Journal #5 a. During the week use the writing prompts from Journal #5 to guide your reflections. i. Conclusion i. Session Stopper: Play a song(s) on any of the themes taught throughout the lesson. 1. Initiate a discussion about respectfully communicating with children. Parents can talk as they listen and work. Leading Questions: How do we disrespect children? Why do we act this way towards our children? How can we use what we learned to change our view of our children and to respect our children more? 2. Play Aretha Franklin: RESPECT http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DZ3_obMXwU&feature= PlayList&p=3E99AAF04D606BBC&playnext=1&index=25 3. See Teacher Resource 2 for a list of other songs from which to choose http://distantsignal.blogspot.com/2008/12/20-songs-aboutcommunication.html 4. Template ii. Ask each parent to choose 3-5 things they learned today and can use immediately. iii. Use the paper telephone template. Ask parents to decorate these using the terms, phrases, concepts they learned and can use immediately. VI. Material and Supplies a. I-pod dock, laptop with Internet access and speakers or CD and CD player b. Crayons, markers, glue, scissors, paper, magazines c. Name Tags or Name cards d. Board/Large Easel Pad

Worksheet #15 Instructions: Fill in the blanks as you hear the lecture on active listening.

(1) Basic acknowledgements Includes verbal and non-verbal signs and sounds that let the speaker know you are listening with interest and respect. (2) Attentive Silence Keep silent even if it is difficult. Usually if you are able to keep quiet you find out more information from the speaker. (3) Questions Use open-ended questions that are preferable to close-ended questions, because they are provide opportunities for the speaker to open up. (4) Paraphrasing A tool that you may use to summarize, to clarify or to confirm if you, as listener, have understood correctly what was said. Paraphrasing is focused on the speaker’s content. “Excuse me, but let me see if I understand what you are saying…” (5) Mirroring Involves reflecting back to the speaker in succinct statements the emotions he/she is communicating. (6) Reflecting meanings Once you know how to reflect feelings and content separately (mirroring and paraphrasing) it is relatively easy to put the two together into a statement that reflects the entire meaning. (7) Summative reflection Is a brief restatement of the main themes and feelings the speaker expressed over a longer period of discussions.

Worksheet #16 Instructions: As you listen to the lecture circle the active listening keys that you want to practice using in your role play. Circle two keys for each of the five points below.

1. Pay attention. Give the speaker your undivided attention and acknowledge the message. Recognize that what is not said also speaks loudly. o Look at the speaker directly. o Put aside distracting thoughts. Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal! o Avoid being distracted by environmental factors. o “Listen” to the speaker’s body language. o Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting. 2. Show that you are listening. Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention. o Nod occasionally. o Smile and use other facial expressions. o Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting. o Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes and uh huh. 3. Provide feedback. Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions. o Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…” are great ways to reflect back. o Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say…” “Is this what you mean?” o Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically. 4. Defer judgment. Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message. o Allow the speaker to finish. o Don’t interrupt with counterarguments. 5. Respond Appropriately. Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down. o Be candid, open, and honest in your response. o Assert your opinions respectfully. o Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated. 79

Worksheet #17 I will role play about (underline one): 1. A situation with my children or with one of my children 2. A situation with a teacher or counselor of one of my children

The problem is ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ I want to say ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________

The things that I want to happen after my talk are ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________

Journal #5 Title: Parenting With Grace: Effective Communication

Writing Prompts: Which techniques did you use this week? With whom did you use those techniques? How did you feel using these techniques? Did you accomplish your goals?

_____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

Telephone Template (Students may choose to create other images that represent communication)

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Lecture Notes Chapter 4 Parenting with Grace: Effective Communication

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What is Communication?

Communication is a process. In the process of communication a sender of information passes it on to a receiver of that information. There are numerous ways to communicate. Two main means of communication are: 1. Auditory or verbal (speaking, singing, tone of voice) 2. Physical or nonverbal (body language, sign language, touch, eye contact, writing) The main point of communication is to help us show and tell others what we think and/or feel and to create common understandings with the people with whom we wish to communicate. In the same way that we need various skills to parent successfully, we need various skills to communicate successfully. Six skills required to communicate effectively are: 1. Listening 2. Observing 3. Speaking 4. Questioning 5. Analyzing 6. Evaluating §

An Important Type of Communication -- Active Listening

Experts agree that one of the most effective way to get your children (of any age) to talk to you is to listen to them attentively. Ø Worksheet # 15 Take notes on the seven techniques that I will share with you by filling in the blanks. Listen carefully. As I explain each techniques, think of a real life example in which you can see yourself using that technique or one in which you have had to use that technique. 1. Basic acknowledgements including verbal and non-verbal signs and sounds that let the speaker know you are listening with interest and respect 2. Attentive Silence keep silent even if it is difficult, but when you succeed to do it, usually you are able to find out more information from the speaker

3. Questions use open-ended questions that are preferable to close-ended questions, because they are providing opportunities for the speaker to open up 4. Paraphrasing a tool that you may use to summarize, to clarify or to confirm if you, as listener, have understood correctly what was said. Paraphrasing is focused on the speaker’s content. “Excuse me, but let me see if I understand what you are saying…” 5. Mirroring involves reflecting back to the speaker in succinct statements the emotions he/she is communicating 6. Reflecting meanings once you know how to reflect feelings and content separately it is relatively easy to put the two together into a statement that reflects the entire meaning 7. Summative reflection is a brief restatement of the main themes and feelings the speaker expressed over a longer period of discussions Ø Ask the parents to share situations in which they use the techniques above or situations in which they feel that using these strategies for listening will help them to communicate better with their children and with others. Some of the elements of active listening reflect what you will have shared above. However, share the information below and ask the class to compare the examples they gave to the active listening tips and examples below. Ø Worksheet #16 FIVE KEY ELEMENTS – In a few moments we will role-play using the techniques we have learned so far. Ask parents to circle the elements that they want to use in the upcoming role play. They should circle two for each of the five points. So, in the role play the class will look for ten techniques in each skit. Becoming an Active Listener There are five key elements of active listening. They all help you ensure that you hear the other person, and that the other person knows you are hearing what they are saying. Pay attention. Give the speaker your undivided attention and acknowledge the message. Recognize that what is not said also speaks loudly. o o o o o

Look at the speaker directly. Put aside distracting thoughts. Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal! Avoid being distracted by environmental factors. “Listen” to the speaker’s body language. Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting. 84

Show that you are listening. Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention. o Nod occasionally. o Smile and use other facial expressions. o Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting. o Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes and uh huh. Provide feedback. Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions. o Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…” are great ways to reflect back. o Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say…” “Is this what you mean?” o Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically. Defer judgment. Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message. o Allow the speaker to finish. o Don’t interrupt with counterarguments. Respond Appropriately. Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down. o Be candid, open, and honest in your response. o Assert your opinions respectfully. o Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated. Ø Worksheet #17 Encourage the parents to choose a real life situation that is current for them or someone they know but that is not too personal to share. Choose a situation in which you think that you will have a tough time communicating: a. Saying something to all or one of your children b. Saying something to one of your children’s teachers or counselor (if you choose this situation use the terms we learned in Lesson 3)

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Talk so your Child Will Listen

The following tips will help you to talk so that your child will listen, especially in difficult situations. Try to communicate with your child in an honest and nonjudgmental way. A parent’s goal is to become a source of information for your child. By listening and speaking in the ways that you are learning your child will feel that you are safe to come to and safe to talk to.

7 Tips for Important Talks: 1. Initiate conversations during a shared activity, such as making dinner, to make it feel less intimidating and more natural. 2. Listen with interest and respect when you talk to your teen, no matter what he is saying. 3. Use “I” instead of “you” when talking to your child, which keeps the conversation going with less pressure. 4. Praise your teen. It will boost her self-esteem, which is important because many teenagers have poor self images. 5. Listen to body language as well as words. A child who fidgets and avoids eye contact while saying “Nothing’s wrong” is clearly bothered by something. 6. Talk as equals. A teen doesn’t want to, and shouldn’t be, treated like a child. But make sure you are perfectly clear when you communicate with your teen. If you want her home by six, don’t say “be home for dinner.” This tactic will reduce the chance of rules being broken and frustration on everyone’s part. 7. Show love unconditionally. Teens often feel that they will lose their parents’ love if they do something wrong. Make sure your child knows that you are proud of the person she is not just for what she does. §

Positive Self-talk is Important

If I could listen in to the conversations you have with yourself, what would I hear? Are you mean to yourself? Or are you forgiving and patient? If you have never paid attention to the tone of the voice in your head, stop and begin to listen for it. We talk to children how we talk to ourselves. Keep going back to your philosophy of parenting when you think about how to communicate with your children. What values did you select? How does the way you communicate with (talk and listen to your children) affirm or violate those values? Children need to know that they are loved unconditionally! If we frequently communicate harshly with our children, we risk raising children who are insecure and who lack confidence. Say the hard things you need to say to your children but be careful to also consistently affirm your love for them. Tell them that no matter 86

what they do or do not do you love them. Tell them that their behavior, whether good or negative, will never change your love for them. Make sure they know that you will never take your love away. §

Responsible Communication: Do as I do and as I say

Could you be proud of the type of person your child is if they spoke, thought, and behaved exactly as you do? We often hear adults say to children, “Do as I say not as I do?” But research and experience teach us that children model our behaviors before they model our words. Prison system psychologist claim that the number one factor that leads to recidivism is the prisoner’s willingness to take responsibility for why they were there. How do we teach children to be irresponsible? 1. Blaming 2. Excuses 3. Criticism Results of being irresponsible? 1. Low performance 2. Low self-esteem 3. Feelings of guilt and unworthiness While our children will do some of what we say, they are most likely to act like we act and to say what we say and do (or not do) what we do (and do not do). This fact places a huge responsibility upon us as parents. As parents who want the best for our children, we must become better. When we get better our children will get better even without our saying a word. They want to be like us. So what can we do? 1. Change unhealthy behaviors 2. Use appropriate language 3. Watch educational television 4. Listen to educational radio 5. Apologize when you are wrong 6. Talk with children about what you should have done This type of honest communication with our children can occur no matter how old the child is. Talking with and modeling for our children, reinforces the values we want to see for our families. Having adults in their lives that say and do what is right is what our children need in order to become confident successful human beings.

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KEY POINTS to Parenting with Grace: 1. Make a decision that ongoing effective communication with your child is a top priority in your life 2. Look for ways that show it 3. Communicating is a core skill of parenting 4. Listen attentively and patiently as if you have “All of the time in the world!” 5. Listen for content and watch body language 6. Feel free to delay the conversation until you are calm enough to speak and listen 7. Question for clarification. How do you mean that? Why are you saying it that way? 8. Communicating well with your children will make you feel great about yourself too 9. Resist the impulse to give advice. Instead ask what do you think we should do? Do you need my advice? Practice feedback. So what you are saying is . . . and also have them feedback what you ate saying to them. What have you learned? What did you hear me saying? 10. Ask yourself, What is my goal here? Then act accordingly.

Teacher Resource 1 Communication during Tough Times ò Research indicates that thirty-three percent of shelter residents, most of whom are women and children, have moved excessively or spent some portion of their childhood in foster care or in emergency shelters. Their children are more likely to be at risk of parental abuse or neglect because the parent is under extremely stressful circumstances. Many of the women are at the shelters with their children because they are fleeing abusive relationships. Research that indicates how parents interact with their children is informed by how well the parent is able to communicate with other adults. So, parents with a limited ability to communicate their thoughts and feeling in turn diminish or thwart the child’s ability to become an effective communicator because the parent is most likely to communicate with the child on level below the parent’s comfort and or skill of communication. When the trauma of the situations that led parents to live in a shelter is coupled with poor communication skills parenting becomes increasing more difficult. Read the following article on empathetic listening. Based upon what you have learned about them over the past few sessions, you should draw out of the article those points that seem most relevant to the audience of parents you are teaching. You should share what you deem relevant or helpful to your class by adding it to the mini lecture, but, because empathetic listening is so crucial for the parents and for you as an instructor in this environment, the main point of the article is to give you more information on this vital approach to listening. Consciously apply what you learn from the reading to how you listen to the parents during the sessions. The topics may bring up ideas, emotions, and conflicts for your students which they feel comfortable coming to you about. Using the empathetic approach to listening will prove useful to both you, as the instructor, and to the students.

Empathic Approach: Listening First Aid Gregorio Billikopf Encina

University of California

The Panama Canal may serve as an adequate analogy for the role of effective listening skills. As a youth, I traversed the canal several times as we sailed in a freight ship from the port of Valparaiso in Chile, to New York. Massive lock gates are utilized to manage the water levels in the canal, so that ships can move from one direction to another. The water level behind one set of closed locks can be much higher than that of the next compartment through which a ship will travel. We can compare this scene to the state of mind of an individual suffering from deep emotional wounds, or involved in a serious interpersonal conflict. With disparate water levels there is a buildup of pressure behind the closed locks. If one were to open these lock gates, the flow would be mostly unidirectional. Likewise, a party who is holding in her emotions needs a release. Such an individual is unlikely to (1) think clearly about the challenge or (2) be receptive to outside input from another. The role of the listener or helper is to allow such an individual to open the lock gates. When he does, the water gushes out. During this venting process, there is still too much pressure for a person to consider other perspectives. Only when the water level has leveled off between the two compartments, does the water begin to flow evenly back and forth. The role of the listener is to help empty the large reservoirs of emotion, anger, stress, frustration and other negative feelings until the individual can see more clearly. Not until then, can a party consider the needs of the other. Perhaps we can think of it as listening first aid. At one enterprise, I had just been introduced, by the proprietor, to one of the parties involved in a conflict where I would be the mediator. (Rather than bringing both of these individuals together immediately, I instead met with each separately in a pre-caucus.) As soon as the owner left us alone, the individual broke into tears. A similar situation took place at a different enterprise, where one of the managers began to cry, ostensibly because of other issues pressing heavily upon him. Had these men come immediately into a joint meeting with their respective contenders, their feelings of vulnerability might just as easily have turned into anger and defensiveness. In another organization, I was informed that the pre-caucus would be quite brief, as the person I was about to listen to was not a man of many words. Yet this individual spoke to me for almost two hours. By the time we finished, he felt understood and had gained confidence. During the joint session, this same employee was able to laugh when it was appropriate. I have found that these â&#x20AC;&#x153;silent typesâ&#x20AC;? will often open up when there is someone who will truly listen. The process of listening so others will talk is called empathic listening. Empathy, according to some dictionary definitions, means to put oneself in a position to understand another person. Certainly, this is an aspect of empathy. We prefer to define empathy, however, as it is often used in psychology: the process of attending to another so the individual feels heard in a non-judgmental way. Empathic listening requires that we accompany a person in her moment of sadness, anguish, self-discovery, challenge (or even great joy!). This approach to listening was developed by Carl Rogers, author of Client-Centered Therapy.1 Rogers

applied the method to therapeutic as well as human resource management skills. When an individual feels understood, an enormous emotional burden is lifted; stress and defensiveness are reduced; and clarity increases.

Listening Skills in Interpersonal Communication We spend a large portion of our waking hours conversing and listening. When two friends or colleagues have an engaging dialogue, they will often compete to speak and share ideas. Certainly, listening skills play an important role is such stimulating exchanges. When it comes to empathic listening, we do not vie to be heard, nor do we take turns speaking. Rather, we are there to motivate and cheer the other person on. Empathic listening skills require a different subset of proficiencies than conversing, and it is certainly an acquired skill. Many individuals, at first, find the process somewhat uncomfortable. Furthermore, people are often surprised at the exertion required to become a competent listener. Once the skill is attained, there is nothing automatic about it. In order to truly listen, we must set aside sufficient time to do so. Perhaps the root of the challenge lies here. People frequently lose patience when listening to anotherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s problem. Empathic listening is incompatible with being in a hurry, or with the fast paced world around us. Such careful listening requires that we, at least for the moment, place time on slow motion and suspend our own thoughts and needs. Clearly, there are no shortcuts to empathic listening. Some of the dialogues in this paper are videotape transcripts made possible by generous volunteers. It is my goal to give life to some of these clips, so as to better illustrate what it means to indeed listen empathetically. The purpose of this paper, then, is to further explicate and describe empathic listening, as well as some of the skill subsets involved. We challenge the reader to temporarily put aside any preconceived notions about effective listening. In order to more clearly illustrate empathic listening, we will portray both positive and negative examples. Effective listening and attending skills can be applied to all of our interpersonal and business relationships. We will become more effective listeners as we practice at home, in our business dealings, and in other circles. One of the greatest gifts we can give another is that of truly listening.

Different approaches to listening There are different approaches to providing assistance. One helping model involves a three-step process: 1) attentive listening, 2) asking effective diagnostic questions, and 3) offering a prescription, or solution. Slowly, or sometimes quite abruptly, people move from listening to prescribing. It is not uncommon, under some circumstances, for a person to focus on the third of these steps: offering advice (sometimes even when none is sought). In other situations, individuals may utilize the first two steps. Perhaps most uncommon is an emphasis on listening alone. You can probably imagine situations where each of these approaches may make sense. When there is little time, or in dangerous situations, people may offer advice even when they were not asked. For matters of a technical (or medical) nature, the three-way process of listening, diagnosing, and prescribing is often preferable. After prescribing, it is helpful to take a step back and determine how the individual feels about the proposed solution. A related approach involves going through the first two steps and then involving the

troubled person in examining alternative solutions. Finally, for more personal matters, where the solution is owned by the individual facing the challenge, a listening approach is most advantageous. This is where empathic listening fits in. Let us consider these phases in reverse order.

Prescriptive Phase The majority of individuals, while they may fully begin with intentions of listening, often quickly transition into the diagnostic and prescriptive phases. People are accustomed to solving problems and often listen with this frame of mind. Others, instead, focus on sympathy. Sharing a story of how we had to face a similar challenge is not much better. Nor is being quiet so a person will hurry up and finish. None of these are helpful responses to venting. Each reflects, among other things, a certain amount of impatience. When people are not listening we can often see it in their body language: “The automatic smile, the hit-and-run question, the restless look in their eyes when we start to talk.”2 It seems easier to solve other people’s problems rather than our own. Individuals habitually say, “If I were in your position, I would do such and such.” Perhaps. Maybe we would have solved the dilemma had we been in her place. Different personality types certainly approach specific challenges in predictable ways, with likewise foreseeable results. For instance, some would not dream of confronting a friend, but instead would let an irritation fester inside. Others might have trouble keeping their opinions to themselves. Have you noticed that some of your acquaintances seem to repeatedly fall into the same types of predicaments, giving the impression they did not learn from the last episode? Each of us has different personality traits and skill sets that permit us to solve some challenges easier than others. Occasionally, of course, we think that we would have solved a person’s dilemma, had we had the chance to do so. Instead, when we find ourselves in the same predicament, we often feel just as unsure about how to proceed. On the way home from a father-daughter date, I asked one of my daughters if I could give her some free advice. "I certainly don't plan to pay for it," she quipped. On another occasion, another young woman came to see me. Sofía could not perceive how giving the cold shoulder to Patricia—who had been her best friend at the university—was not only a cause of pain to the latter, but also a way to further escalate the growing conflict between the two. “I no longer speak to Patricia when I see her,” Sofía began. “Her cold attitude toward me really hurts. She never greets me, and that hurts. She used to be very kind. But you know, now, when she tries to come over and speak to me I pretend I haven’t noticed her and look away.” “How do you expect your friend to act in a warm way toward you if you give her the cold shoulder when she tries to speak to you?” I inquired, stating the obvious. I should have instead kept that comment to myself. Sofía was upset by my counsel and avoided me for some time. A few weeks later she came to see me again. This time I listened empathically. It meant not stating the obvious, but rather, being attentive while Sofía described, in full detail, the ache she was feeling, the history of the conflict, her suffering and hopes. Sofía felt heard and was able to take some preliminary steps towards resolving her challenge.

Our effectiveness as a listener is often lost if we solve the problem before the person we are attempting to help does. Some try unsuccessfully to disguise their advice-giving tactics through such questions as, “Don’t you think ...?” or, “Have you tried ...?” Aaliyah is very concerned about her grown daughter, and has been openly disclosing her worries with her friend, Shanise. Let us listen in on their conversation. “These are the problems I have with my daughter,” Aaliyah shares, anguish punctuating each word. “I want to seek her out, try and speak with her, try and have her understand, but she does not mind me. [Pause] I simply don’t know what to do, I feel incapable of helping her.” “If you would get her professional help, would she go?” Shanise proposes. “Hmm. Eh. [Pause] As I was telling you, she doesn’t mind me. When I try and speak to her, give her advice, then she… changes topics. That is the problem I have, that I seek her out but she does not mind me.” Aaliyah insists. Aaliyah considers Shanise’s contribution a distraction, and momentarily loses track of what she was saying. Aaliyah, however, takes control of the conversation once again. Because Shanise has been showing empathy to this point, Aaliyah forgives the interruption. There will be times when people seem to be asking for a solution, such as Aaliyah’s comment, “I simply don’t know what to do.” Perhaps they will even ask for advice, “What should I do?” The listener ought not to rush in with a prescription. It is worthwhile, at least, to say something like, “You are unsure as to how to proceed.” If the person says something like, “Exactly!” and continues to speak, we know we have hit the mark. If instead, the individual continues to ask for suggestions, we can help them explore options. In a listening skills workshop, John, one of the participants, had shared some concerns facing his enterprise: “Our top supervisor seems quite unsure as to how to proceed with such a delicate issue,” John explained. “He simply does not know what to do about these two guys who will not speak to each other.” After a while, I stopped the role-play to give the listener some ideas on how to keep John talking. John interrupted to say that he did not want to play the listening game—he simply wanted a solution. This was an ideal opportunity to illustrate some vital points. When workshop participants listen to people with real hardships, everything they have learned so far often flies out the window. Rather than analyze the quality of the listening, participants are all too often ready to suggest additional solutions. It is not difficult to obtain “three opinions out of two persons!” Seminar participants were permitted to go around the table prescribing solutions. But not before being warned that they were entering the prescribe phase, which I have labeled red, for danger. Suggestions started flying. “Obviously, John,” the first participant began, “you must insist upon having the supervisor speak with both individuals.” “What I would do instead,” another piped in, “would be to… ” It soon became clear that despite John’s request for a readymade solution, these suggestions were irritating him. John admitted that he would have preferred to continue to think aloud with the support of the class participants.

Sympathy is quite different than empathy. It often springs more from our desire for normality, than for helping someone. One of my favorite illustrations comes from Alfred Benjamin: “When Lucy said, ‘I’ll never get married now that I’m [disabled],’ what did you do? You know you felt terrible; you felt that the whole world had caved in on her. But what did you say? What did you show?”3 If Lucy was your seventeen year old daughter, niece, or younger sister—I often ask—what would you like to say to her? Some of the most frequent responses include: • • • •

Your internal beauty is more important than outward appearances. I still find you beautiful. If a young man cannot see your beauty, he is not worthy of you. Modern medicine can work miracles and perhaps you can recover beyond expectation.

Alfred Benjamin continues, “Did you help her to bring it out; to say it, all of it; to hear it and examine it? You almost said: ‘Don’t be foolish. You’re young and pretty and smart, and who knows, perhaps…’ But you didn’t. You had said similar things to patients in the hospital until you learned that it closed them off. So this time you simply looked at her and weren’t afraid to feel what you both felt. Then you said, ‘You feel right now that your whole life has been ruined by this accident.’ ‘That’s just it,’ she retorted, crying bitterly. After awhile she continued talking. She was still [disabled], but you hadn’t gotten in the way of her hating it and confronting it.”3 In my opinion, it is not about withholding comments about the beauty of the young lady, or about how much we care about her. Many of these comments may be shared, but later, after Lucy feels truly heard and does not have more to say herself. There are numerous ways we discount the needs of others, even when we think we are being good listeners. For instance, we may attempt to share our own story of loss, disappointment, or of success, before the individual has had the opportunity to be heard in his story. We may feel that sharing our own story is proof that we are listening, but instead, the other person feels we have stolen the show.4 Once again, this is not to say that there is no room to share our story with others, but rather, we should hear them out first. Some persons confuse empathic listening with being silent. First attempts to listen empathically are often betrayed by facial and body language that say “be quiet so I can give you advice.” Have you ever tried to speak to someone who is silent and gives no indication of what he is thinking? We do not know if the person has lost interest or is judging us. When people have deep sentiments to share, rarely do they expose their vulnerability by getting to the point right away. Ordinarily, the topic is examined through increasingly constricting circles. We may also compare it to an iceberg. Only an eighth protrudes to the surface while the rest remains submerged—buried—under the surface of the ocean. When someone says, “I am worried because…” and another responds, “Don’t worry so much,” the worried person does not cease to be concerned. Rather, it becomes clear that the apprehension cannot be safely shared with this individual. Likewise, when a person proceeds to give a suggestion before understanding the situation, individuals will frequently pretend to go along with the proposal simply to get rid of the problem solver.

Diagnostic Phase Perhaps the greatest danger with the process of diagnosing is the natural tendency to move from listening, to diagnosing, to prescribing. Rarely do people reverse the process and return to listening after entering the

diagnostic phase. It is much more likely that they will move on to prescribe mode. A plus of the diagnostic process, is that the listener can, at least at the superficial level, gain a better idea of what the challenge entails. We do not wish to imply that the diagnostic process is useless. All too often people give too little attention to diagnosis, but in the process of empathic listening, the diagnosis needs to be carried out by each party, rather than the mediator. An emphasis on diagnostics betrays a perspective in which the listener is to provide wisdom, understanding, and solutions. Often, individuals listen and ask questions with the idea of confirming their own observations. A much more effective method is to be moved by a spirit of curiosity. Such an approach has been called a stance of “deliberate ignorance.” Instead of assuming that a certain experience is the same as another we have lived or heard of in the past, we listen with interest and curiosity. Inquisitive listeners “never assume that they understand the meaning of an action, and event, or a word.”5 Let us return to the conversation between Aaliyah and Shanise. “My husband does not help me resolve my problem with my daughter,” Aaliyah laments. “What would he like you to do? Not to have any contact with her?” Shanise asks a couple of investigative questions. “Well, we quarrel a lot because I tell him I’m a mother. [Pause] And he does not feel what I feel. And he does not want me to seek her out because, after all, she does not listen, and the situation will not improve. But I always seek her out. [Long pause] And I told her not to be running about… to come to my home, but she will not, she says that…,” Aaliyah continues her story, a narrative born of a mother’s pain. The questions have helped Shanise understand the situation a bit better. Observe, however, that Aaliyah, after answering, returns to speak about that which hurts her the most, her inability to help her daughter. Next, we give another example of an investigative question. Once again, we pick up in the middle of a conversation: “I have that problem with one of our engineers,” says Raymond. “In the morning or afternoon?” inquires Paul. “I have been wondering if there is a pattern indeed… if this happens on Mondays, or if there is anything predictable in all of this,” Raymond answers. “The truth is that I have not found anything obvious that stands out.” “Have you ever sat down with him and spoken about your concern?” Paul asks. This conversation follows a pattern. Paul asks a question and Raymond answers and then waits for Paul’s next inquiry. Pauses become an excuse to interrupt. Paul has control over the conversation and it is uncertain as to whether he will take it in the right direction. While Raymond may feel heard, to a certain extent, such comprehension tends to be somewhat superficial. Raymond is not working as hard as he could and expects an answer to his problems. Upon observing Raymond, one gets the idea that he is saying, “Go ahead, be my guest, see if you can solve this mess! I sure haven’t been able to.”

There are other types of questions, such as those that promote the talking about feelings. Manuel tells his wife, Magdalena, that despite the recognition that his work has received in New York, he is unsure as to whether they should remain in the USA or return to their native Argentina. While Magdalena has heard her husband in the past, her focus here has been to let her husband vent and find clarity to his own thinking: “That is the problem, to stay or return to Argentina?” Manuel sighs. “What is it that you really miss from Argentina?” Magdalena inquires. “Well, that is what we were talking about recently… one misses the family… family relations… Sundays with the extended family and the kids… but I also miss my friends. I had a huge group of friends…,” Manuel continues sharing his feelings. This question has permitted Manuel to explain what he truly feels. Other such questions could include, “How do you feel when that happens?” “What are you feeling at this moment?” We will generally note quite a different expression coming from a person who is answering affect-type questions. Another inquiry that gives the client a chance to expand is, “What, then, do you plan on doing?” Despite the merits of such a probe, it is best to leave it towards the end of the conversation. Unless, of course, it is asked in a much less abrupt way, such as, “What options are you leaning toward and which ones do you like the least?” When a question is asked to help someone take control of the conversation, I like the expression, “prime the pump.” These old fashioned water pumps functioned through a lever and a vacuum. One needed quite a bit of effort to make them start pumping water, but much less once the water started flowing. Prime-the-pump type questions are especially useful to help the person with the challenge: • •

Start speaking. Take back control over the conversation, especially after an interruption (e.g., after the conversation stops when a third person momentarily walks into the room; the conversation is being renewed after a few days; or when the listener realizes he has interrupted or taken an overly directive approach to listening).

There are several types of questions, comments, or gestures that can work under the prime the pump category. These may include, for example: • • • • • •

Investigative questions. Analytical comments. Summary of what has been heard. An invitation for the person to say more. Body language that shows interest. Empathic comments.

Empathic Listening A mother recalled of a time when her young daughter invited her to come outside and play. At first, the mother intently watched as her daughter repeatedly hit a tether ball, but soon began to wonder what her own role was in the game. So she asked her daughter. In response, the young girl matter-of-factly explained that every time she was successful in hitting the ball, the mother should congratulate her and say, “Good job!” 6 This is, essentially, the role of empathic listening, that of accompanying another person and celebrating

together the fact that the other can begin to unpack and analyze the challenges being faced. In the child’s game, success is measured by the ability to have the ball and its cord wrap around the post. In empathic listening, success is measured by the ability to unpack the often pain-soaked narrative and let it float to the surface. We shall attempt to look, in a more detailed way, at how to accompany without interfering. There is a marvelously therapeutic power in the ability to think aloud and share a challenge with someone who will listen. A good listener has sufficient confidence in himself to be able to listen to others without fear. In contrast to a diagnostic approach to helping, the listener: • • •

Takes an empathic posture (motivates the other to speak without feeling judged). Does not use pauses as an excuse to interrupt. Permits the speaker to direct the conversation.

Through this process the individual—if we earn her confidence—begins to speak more, to control the direction of the topic, to increase self understanding (by first reviewing that which is known and later by digging deeper), to consider possible options, and often, by choosing a possible outcome. We will consider some specific tactics that will help us accomplish these goals. A warning is in order. We must keep in mind that empathic listening is dynamic. It is not sufficient to have an interest in another, but we must also show it. And it is not sufficient to show an interest, we must feel it. The person being heard immediately notices if we get bored, seem distracted, or become upset. In the words of Alfred Benjamin, “Genuine listening is hard work; there is little about it that is mechanical… We hear with our ears, but we listen with our eyes and mind and heart and skin and guts as well.”7 Let us look at some specific techniques that are helpful.

Dangling questions An incomplete question has the advantage of leaving much in the air and giving the client control over the direction he wishes to go. Let us return to our Argentine couple. “And the children… miss…?” Magdalena asks, prolonging the word miss. “And the children miss… much, especially the… affection of the grandmothers, cousins, undoubtedly they miss the whole family structure…” Manuel explains and continues to uncover the issues that are troubling him.

Indications that we want to know more There are many ways we can signal an interest in listening and learning more. One of the most typical is to simply say, “Tell me more.” We could also say something like, “How interesting!” or simply, “Interesting.” What is important in all this is that we are not stuck with one monotonous and irritating technique.

Repeating a phrase or key word One of the most important empathic listening techniques is to let the client know we are accompanying him by repeating, from time to time, one word, or a few, in the same tone of voice that he has used. Aaliyah continues to share with Shanise the pain she is feeling because of her daughter. “And she moved and now lives in a nearby town… [Aaliyah raises her left hand while she speaks and indicates the direction, and then pauses]. With a friend…” “Friend,” Shanise repeats. “Yes, but she does not last long because as she does not work and she won’t be able to simply live there for free,” Aaliyah continues. “She must contribute something, too.” Such empathic expressions or key words, contribute to the process without overly interrupting. There are times when the speaker may leave the thought process to reflect on the words the listener has repeated. But normally this happens in a very natural fashion that allows for fluidity. The speaker has the option of continuing what he is saying or further reflecting on the comment. Let us look at this same technique in the Argentine couple. “It is true that… while… the cost of education in this country is high… [pause], yet the possibilities are infinite,” Manuel declares. “Infinite,” Magdalena pronounces the word using the same tone that her husband had used. “Infinite… infinite in the sense that if one can provide the support for the children and motivate them to study…” Manuel continues to develop his thinking. Some have accused Carl Rogers of being directive. According to the critics, these empathic responses reward the speaker for focusing on the topics the listener wants him to focus on, and thus it is the listener who directs the conversation. This is not the case. When a person is interrupted by an empathic listener—with an observation or comment that is distracting—the speaker makes it clear that this was an interruption. Unless, the interruption constitutes a more serious breach of trust, the party continues to speak and control the conversation. Mekelle, a young African-American professional, is telling Susan, that her best friend, Palad, is mad at her because her fiancé is Caucasian. The conversation is proceeding normally, until Susan asks a question that distracts Mekelle. “My friend Palad… it bothers me—as bright and perceptive as he is—that he cannot see that in reality… if one were to educate more people,” Mekelle is expressing her frustration. “Yes,” Susan adds, following the conversation. “Then he would not feel the way he feels, you understand?” Mekelle asks a question that rather means, “Are you listening to me? Are you following my logic?” “Where is Palad from?” Susan interrupts. The question has no relationship to the pain that Mekelle is feeling at the moment. People often take back control of a conversation with the use of the word “but,” as we see

below. “Palad is from Florida, he has lived several years in California and he is now living in Oregon,” Mekelle answers. “But… [having lost track of where she was, Mekelle seems somewhat distracted and moves her hand, as if to say, lets get back to the topic, and continues] but… and it is only about Caucasian people, he only has problems with Caucasian people, [Mekelle smiles] if the person was from any other race it would not matter, but when it is a matter of a Caucasian person…”

Empathic sayings An empathic saying is a longer comment, of a reflective type, given to let someone know we are following them. We might say something like, “at this moment you feel terrible,” or, “I can see you are suffering.” These expressions can be very potent but only if used sparingly, and certainly not in a repetitive fashion. Here is an example of an empathic saying used properly: A troubled youth approached me one day. “I hate life, it has treated me terribly,” he said. The loud, bitter comment filled the room. Oh, how I wanted to moralize and tell him that his own actions had placed him in the present predicament. But instead, I calmly stated, a la Rogers, “Right now, you are hating life.” I was trying to truly comprehend and letting him know that I was listening. “Oh yes,” he continued, but the anger reduced enormously, “life right now is terrible....” With every exchange the voice tension and loudness subsided. This same youth soon recognized that he was not in the right path without my having to say it. In contrast, I observed a speaker—a therapist by training—who freely used the line, “I can see you are hurting.” I was the conference interpreter and was in a position to observe the audience. An older man told his heartbreaking anecdote, and the speaker used his line at what seemed the perfect moment. The participant stopped talking and leaned back. I could see in his eyes and body posture that he had felt empathy from the therapist. The man had been touched and now felt understood. I was impressed. It seemed to me, however, that with each subsequent use of “I can see you are hurting,” the catchy phrase became increasingly artificial. The magic was gone. Fewer people were convinced of its sincerity and the line soon meant “be quiet, I want to move on with my talk.” The process had become mechanical and empty, rather than based on true empathy. How does one know if the listening was empathic? Gerald Egan says, “If the helper’s empathic response is accurate, the client often tends to confirm its accuracy by a nod or some other nonverbal cue or by a phrase such as ‘that’s right’ or ‘exactly.’ This is usually followed by a further, usually more specific, elaboration of the problem situation.”8 And when one is off the mark, sometimes they will tell you, or just as likely, they will be quiet and avoid eye contact.

Empathic questions In contrast to diagnostic questions, especially those analytical in nature, empathic questions go to the source of what the person is feeling. These questions are very powerful and less dangerous because they promote talking, rather than silence (i.e., prime the pump questions). Examples include, “What are you feeling at this moment?” Or, without completing the phrase and stretching out the word feeling, “You are fee-ling…?” The

strength of empathic questions is that they help bring the pain out to the surface, feelings that often may lie deeply hidden. Often, people have been so preoccupied with analytical thinking, that they have not permitted themselves to sufficiently examine their feelings.

Body language One of the best steps, in terms of body language, is to invite someone to take a seat, if she has not done so already. By offering a seat we let her know that we are willing to listen and ready to take the time to do so. That we are not going to ration out the time. Persons who are very interested in what another is saying may, from time to time, lean toward the speaker, and their interest is reflected in their faces, body language, and tone of voice. We can signal with our head movement that we are listening. But as with all of the techniques we have discussed, variety is critical. Otherwise, if we keep mechanically shaking our head to let the person know we are listening, we soon look like the bobble-head dogs that were often seen in the back windows of cars. If we are truly interested in listening, our body language shows it. Our non-verbal communication also betrays us when we get distracted. In a recent conversation I had not yet said anything, but must have shown intentions of interrupting. Before I could utter a word, the person speaking said, “Excuse me for interrupting you, but…” and she continued relating her account. This happened several times, proving what communication experts have told us all along: individuals signal their intent to interrupt before doing so.

Respecting pauses Silence makes people uncomfortable. Yet, one of the most important empathic listening skills is not interrupting pauses, or periods of silence. When a person pauses she continues to think about the challenge. When we respect these pauses, by not interrupting, we are in essence offering the person a psychological chair to sit on; it is a way of saying “We are not going to abandon you.” The person who feels truly heard begins, also, to speak slower and to leave more pauses. When an individual senses she will not be interrupted, she begins an internal trajectory, every time deeper, wherein she begins to intensify the process of self understanding and analytical thinking. Many listeners—who found it difficult enough to be patient when the individual was speaking at a normal speed—finding it torturous to listen to this slower pace. Yet, this is part of the gift of giving, in a listening or helping stance. How long can you listen to a person and keep silence without getting nervous or impatient, and interrupting? Four seconds? Eleven seconds? One minute? Ten minutes? How long? When a party comes out of this pause, he will have often undergone some serious reflective and analytical thinking. A young professional reported that she had put this advice to work. After a seminar she called her boyfriend, who was experiencing some difficult challenges. “I had to bite my lips several times,” she reported. “But I managed not to interrupt him. After a long pause he asked me, ‘Are you there?’” The disadvantage of the phone is that fewer empathic responses are available to the listener, as he could not see the interest with which she had been listening. She responded, “Of course, I am listening with much interest!” Once these words were pronounced, he continued talking, this time with even more enthusiasm and penetration.

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In order to conclude this sub-section, I would like to share two more clips from our African-American friend, Mekelle. The first one speaks of her desire to make a decision and resolve her challenge. This comment comes after she has had a long time to vent. “It has become clear that I must call Palad again and have another conversation with him,” Mekelle resolved. “I have not decided… yet… when I will call him. [Pause] Yeap… that is where I find myself at the moment… I will probably find a moment to call him next week. I always like to plan this type of thing. [Laughing] I am not ready to speak with him at this moment.” Susan is accompanying Mekelle, and laughs when she laughs. “Not at this moment…” “Right. [Mekelle laughs] Perhaps I should call him some day when I am mad. [Laughs some more and pauses] But… mm… it is beginning to weigh on me… this lets me know I ought to call now.” In the second clip Mekelle speaks about the feelings of gratitude she is feeling for having been heard. “The really interesting thing… to me… I… generally… am not one to share my feelings,” Mekelle clarifies. “I tend to keep these buried and let other people tell me how they feel.” “Mmm,” Susan listens. Mekelle makes several false starts in terms of continuing with what is in her mind, with several pauses in between. She finally speaks, “This whole process… of realizing I am still mad at him… because I did not know I was still mad at him… [pause] is very interesting… to me, that is. [Mekelle once again attempts to speak between her own pauses, and finally speaks with much strength, and drawing out the word mad each time she uses it] I ask myself, ‘Why, exactly are you mad?’ You know? Should you be mad? You could be disappointed… but mad! Especially since he did not do anything to you—by that I mean that he did not use offensive language, he did not hit me—… [pause]. I feel he disappointed me… ‘How can you be so intelligent and think like that?’” A person who uses the empathic listening approach, in its purity, will have to dedicate large blocks of time to it. Depending on the trauma or situation involved, I have found that people can easily talk to you between one or two hours if you will listen. Before concluding this paper, I would like to share a few thoughts about reconciling empathic listening and our values.

Reconciling empathic listening to our belief system Throughout the years I have read numerous books about empathic listening, from a number of authors. Some of its distinguished proponents suggest that there is no such thing as absolute truth. My challenge, however, was the need to reconcile such a stance with the incredibly positive results obtained by the methodology. You see, I am a strong proponent of the existence of an absolute truth; of right and wrong, and of good and evil. For instance, Rogers would not moralize to his clients, no matter how horrible a thing they said. Nor—to his defense—did Rogers patronize people who felt troubled and tell them it was normal to feel a certain way. When a client said she really hated her mother, and would be glad to see her dead, Rogers would listen. Soon, his client would say, well, actually I do not hate her totally, I also really love her, and I would not want her to be dead. Through the several transcripts provided by Rogers, this pattern repeated itself over and over.

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Each time, the client seems to make good decisions, backing away from hurtful, destructive approaches.9 From experience in observing how poorly people listen, I suspect most individuals would benefit from reading Rogers. But returning to my dilemma, how could I reconcile my belief structure with being a good listener? Or, how about those situations when someone is blind to the most basic common sense? For instance, a person who says he is starving for the affection of a family member or former friend, yet is doing everything in his power to reject her? After months of reflection, I have arrived at these conclusions: (1) when people are truly heard, they will often come to their own correct insights. But if their assumptions are still faulty, (2) by the very process of truly listening, the helper will earn the right to challenge blind spots. There will be moments when the listener has the rightâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;or, should we say obligation?â&#x20AC;&#x201D;to speak her truth. For this listening model to work, it is necessary to have confidence in the goodness of people. That individuals, when they have had the opportunity to reflect and reconsider, will see the path that is necessary to leave the darkness behind. Good-will deposits, earned through the listening process, are required before the helper earns the right to challenge an individual. When I have truly listened, then, if it becomes necessary, I can calmly present concerns from my perspective. Despite all that has been said in this paper, there will be times when the mediator may have incompatible values with those of one or more of the parties involved. Helpers should not suggest that people violate their own principles or belief systems, nor should anyone expect a helper to be amoral. If a friend tells you he is thinking of being unfaithful to his wife, and if he does not reconsider during the process of being heard, I think it would be a great fault on the part of the listener to keep silent and not share his own feelings of repugnance towards such a stance. There may be times, then, when the mediator or empathic listener may need to share her value system with another. Often, people will seek your opinion because they respect your values. One of the leading experts on empathic listening and challenging, Gerald Egan, further suggests that living by a value system may well be a pre-requisite to properly challenging others.10

Summary Through the process of being heard empathically, the troubled individual will control the direction, pace, and final destiny of the exploratory expedition. She will be required to do most of the hard work. Yet, she will not be left alone during this difficult voyage. Empathic listening permits those who own the challenge to begin to hear themselves. As a result, they become better equipped to solve their own difficulties. The empathic listening approach helps the person being heard to sufficiently distance himself from the challenge to see it with more clarity. There is great therapeutic value in being able to think aloud and share a problem with someone who will listen. The good listener has enough confidence in himself to be able to listen to others without fear. Part of being a good listener may require consciously fighting to keep an open mind and avoid preconceived conclusions. A helper may want to continually assess her listening style in a given situation. For instance, she may ask herself: Am I ...

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• • • • •

Allowing the person with the problem to do most of the talking? Avoiding premature conclusions based on my life experiences? Helping the individual to better understand himself? Permitting the person to retain ownership of the challenge? Showing the party that we are listening without judging?

References 1. Rogers, Carl R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications, and theory. Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston. 2. Nichols, M. P. (1995). The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships (p. 111). New York: The Guilford Press. 3. Benjamin, A. (1974). The Helping Interview (2nd Edition) (p. 21). Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company. 4. Nichols, M. P. (1995). The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships. New York: The Guilford Press. 5. Winslade, J., and Monk, G. (2000). Narrative Mediation: A New Approach to Conflict Resolution (pp. 126-128). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers. 6. Gayle M. Clegg, “The Finished Story,” Ensign, May 2004, 14, 174th Annual General Conference, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Saturday Morning Session, 3 April 2004. 7. Benjamin, A. (1974). The Helping Interview (2nd Edition) (p. 44). Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company. 8. Egan, Gerard. (1986). The Skilled Helper: A Systematic Approach to Effective Helping (3rd Edition), Brooks/Cole Publishing Company: Monterey, California, pages 199-200 9. Rogers, Carl R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications, and theory. Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston. 10. Egan, Gerard. (1986). The Skilled Helper: A Systematic Approach to Effective Helping (3rd Edition), Brooks/Cole Publishing Company: Monterey, California.

© 2006 by The Regents of the University of California. Printing this electronic Web page is permitted for personal, educational, non-commercial use as long as the author and the University of California are credited.

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Teacher Resource 2 1. Animals - Oh Lord, Please Do Not Let Me Be Misunderstood 2. David Bowie - Space Oddity 3. Gil Scott-Heron - Revolution Will Not Be Televised 4. Sonic Youth - Disconnection Notice 5. Pink Floyd - Is There Anybody Out There? 6. Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get 7. Beatles Help! 8. The Greenhornes - There Is An End 9. Wyclef Jean - Columbia Records (not available at Youtube) 10. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Otherside 11. Blur - Charmless Man 12. Cardigans - Communication 13. Kraftwerk - Der Telefon Anruf 14. U2 - Numb 15. Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence 16. Coldplay - Talk 17. Hello Saferide - Long Lost Penpal 18. Daft Punk - Something About Us 19. The Streets - Could Well Be In 20. Kings of Leon - On Call

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LESSON 5

= Many Ways to Discipline: How to Hug ‘Em When you Want to Hurt ‘Em

I. Lesson Overview One of the reasons that parenting is the toughest, most important job on the planet is that as parents we have the responsibility of nurturing children to become self-confident, capable, caring adults. What a task! And this, building people, does not happen without the skill of disciplining others. This lesson will teach you to think differently about discipline. To discipline ourselves or our children is not easy but it is necessary and it is good. Acquiring the skill of executing effective discipline is a key component to parenting well. II. Advanced Preparation a. Choose a short story related to this week’s topic to read/listen to as a Session Starter i. Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul ii. Chicken Soup for the Single Parent’s Soul b. Complete the Conflict Questionnaire c. Read Mini Lecture d. Gather all items noted in Material & Supplies section III. Lesson Objectives a. To review the process for writing a three step plan using the five ways to address conflict with a child b. To define conflict c. To administer an inventory that measures individual views of conflict d. To list the strategies for disciplining children IV. Measurable Outcomes a. Given five ways to address conflict, learners will be able to recognize which styles should be used when disciplining their children b. Given a list of strategies for disciplining children, learners will be able to select 7 to use during the week with their children c. Given a survey on conflict, learners will be able to assess how they think about conflict V. Lesson Breakdown a. Summarize Lesson 1: i. In our last session we learned seven active listening techniques and practiced using those techniques in role plays and with pour children. With our new communication skills in mind, we will consider how to communicate with our children through discipline. We will examine our current strategies, learn new strategies, and review what we 105

learned in our stress and anger management lesson so that we can discipline our children with skill and patience. b. Session Starter: The Facilitator should read a short story from Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul or from Chicken Soup for the Single Parents Souls. c. Pre-Assessment Activity i. Place a line of Masking tape on the floor and ask everyone to stand at the line. Make series of statements. Have those who would answer yes cross to the other side of the line. Remember to have everyone return to the same side between making each statement. 1. I have conflict with at least one of my children everyday 2. I have conflict with at least one person outside my family everyday 3. Conflict causes me to feel stressed 4. I can solve disciplinary problems without screaming and yelling at my children 5. I can solve disciplinary problems without spanking 6. I know and use many different ways to discipline my children 7. I want to learn different ways to get my children to listen to my instructions Ø See, it is not just you. We all have conflict and we all handle it in similar ways. Some of these ways are healthy. Some are not. As we discussed before, stress, finances, and a mix of personalities, requests and needs from children is enough to make any person feel overwhelmed when it comes to discipline. A difference in what our children want and want we want at any given time is conflict. Let’s see how we think about conflict. d. Introductory Activity/Experiential i. Worksheet # 18 e. Drama Performance f. Mini Lecture i. See lecture notes at the end of the chapter ii. Worksheet# 19, 20, 21 iii. Review Worksheet #8 from Lesson 2 g. Applied Work i. Journal Entries 1. Journal #6 a. During the week choose two things that you are having a hard time getting your children to do or to stop doing. 106

Using what you learned in this lesson, and in lessons prior to this lesson, write and describe the problem then create a three step plan for addressing the problem. Record what happens. h. Conclusion i. Session Stopper: Play a song(s) on any of the themes taught throughout the lesson ii. Will.i.am: It’s A New Day http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHWByjoQrR8 iii. The Peaceful Dove 1. Write “I will”/ “I will not” statements on the dove’s wings. These should be statements about what you will and will not do based upon what you learned today as it relates to disciplining your child.

VI. Material and Supplies a. I-pod dock, laptop with Internet access and speakers or CD and CD player b. Crayons and markers c. Name Tags or Name cards d. Scales e. Board/Large Easel Pad

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Worksheet #18 Instructions: Use this worksheet as a guide during the lecture. Fill in the blanks as your instructor lectures. §

The root word of discipline is disciplinare which means to teach or instruct. To discipline does not mean to hit, to be harsh, or to be mean to children. It refers to the system of teaching and nurturing that prepares children to achieve:

1. ___________________________________________________________ 2. ___________________________________________________________ 3. ___________________________________________________________ 4. ___________________________________________________________ Answers: Competence, Self-control, Self-direction, Caring for others ò §

Experts say that an effective discipline system must contain three vital elements:

1) a learning environment characterized by positive, supportive parent-child relationships; 2) a strategy for systematic teaching and strengthening of desired behaviors (proactive); 3) a strategy for decreasing or eliminating undesired or ineffective behaviors (reactive). In order for to discipline effectively all three elements need to be in place. I have the tools to discipline my children well. So far I have: n n n n

A Philosophy of Parenting Self-care techniques Information on developing support systems Communication skills

All of the information that you have learned to this point will help you to become better at one of the most difficult (and most important) aspects of parenting – properly and effectively disciplining your child.

Congratulations!

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Worksheet #19 CHECK YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT CONFLICT WHAT IS CONFLICT? Conflict is a process that occurs between two or more persons (groups, organizations, states) when they have different points of views, different goals, different needs and values, and they fight over limited resources to address them. Conflict can also be internal. When you hear the word conflict what other words come to your mind? Write them down. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ Answer with Yes or No the following questions: ASSUMPTIONS Is Conflict a natural part of life? Is Conflict Good? Is Conflict Bad? Do you have a preferred Conflict Management Style? In a Conflict situation is it better to attack? Is it better to avoid the Conflict? Should you always use one of the Styles to best deal with a Conflict? Are Conflict Management Styles determining the Conflicts Outcomes? Does Conflict have a life of its own? Is Conflict the same with Violence? Can we use Alternative Resolution strategies to solve Conflicts? Is inter-personal communication playing a role in solving Conflicts? Are there more ways to negotiate? Can you ask for help to solve your Conflict? Can we solve our problems peacefully?

YES X

NO X X

X X X X X X X X X X X X

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Worksheet #20 What’s your Style? Instructions: Before you listen to the lecture complete the assignment by placing an X on the line if you feel the statement describes you when disciplining your children. The sections with the most checks indicate the styles you use the most. There are no wrong answers! Since our interactions with each child are different, if you have more than one child, use a worksheet for each child. Competitive Style _____ You focus on what you want from your child _____You totally neglect the child’s interests _____ The relationship is not as important to you as achieving your goal _____ How you get the child to obey is not as important as getting them to obey _____ You may spank, criticize, put-down, call names or become violent Accommodating Style _____ You focus on achieving the child’s goal and totally neglect your own goals _____ Your relationship with your child is more important than winning _____ You seek an agreement at almost any cost _____ You bargain with your child in order to create a good relationship with your child Avoiding Style _____ You avoid or pretend the conflict does not exist _____ If you know that you will not get the child to behave, you stop trying _____ If you think your child will be angry with you, you will not confront them or tell them what you want to happen Compromise Style _____ You will give up something that you want from your child to get something else _____ You divide or share power with your children _____ Of course, you have limits of how much you are willing to give away Collaborative (Cooperative) Style _____ Goals and relationship with your child are equally important _____ You fully and openly communicate with your child _____ You are attentive to the child, you wait to respond, and you make helpful suggestions to your child Are the styles you use most with your children working for you? ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

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Worksheet #21 12 Effective Discipline Techniques

1. Listen to your children so that they will listen to you. 2. When you set rules, be consistent (even when you do not feel like it!) 3. Punish with a clear heart and mind. Do not punish in anger. 4. Let the punishment make sense based on what the child did wrong. Don’t be too harsh. Don’t be too soft. 5. Discipline when it is deserved. Don’t bail children out by saying things like, “Oh, she’s tired,” “Boys will be boys,” or “She has PMS.” 6. Be a parent not a friend. 7. Talk about incorrect behavior. Do not attack the child as a person. YOUR CHILD MUST BE SURE THAT YOU LOVE THEM NO MATTER WHAT. Tell the child that you are correcting them because you love them and want the very best for them. 8. Explain yourself and why the rules are important. Don’t make your child feel guilty. This will backfire on you in the long-run and could cause emotional problems for your child. 9. Sometimes you will be seen as the enemy for establishing and maintaining order. Deal with it. Your kid needs order to feel secure and confident. 10. Laugh. Even if you laugh later with a friend or someone in your support system try to maintain your sense of humor. 11. Sometimes the best discipline is to allow the child to experience the consequences of their actions. Don’t always save them from life’s lessons. 12. Remember that discipline makes children feel loved.

Adapted from Elizabeth Harell’s 11 Mistakes that Parents Make with Teen Discipline http://www.lifescript.com

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Journal #6 Title: Many Ways to Discipline: How to Hug â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Em When you Want to Hurt â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Em

Writing Prompts: During the week choose two things that you are having a hard time getting your children to do or to stop doing. Using what you learned in this lesson, and in lessons prior to this lesson, write and describe the problem then create a three step plan for addressing the problem. Record what happens. ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

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Lecture Notes Chapter 5 Many Ways to Discipline: How to Hug ‘Em When you Want to Hurt ‘Em

§

What is Discipline?

A New View Ø Give the lecture below. After the lecture below speak from Worksheet #18 as a review and as parents fill in the blanks. Note that the worksheet for the students is slightly different from the notes below so use the worksheet (answer key) to give the review lecture. The root word of discipline is “disciplinare” which means to teach or instruct. It refers to the system of teaching and nurturing that prepares children to achieve: • Competence • Self-control • Self-direction • Caring for others Experts say that an effective discipline system must contain three vital elements: 1) a learning environment characterized by positive, supportive parent- child relationships; 2) a strategy for systematic teaching and strengthening of desired behaviors (proactive); 2) a strategy for decreasing or eliminating undesired or ineffective behaviors (reactive). Each of these components needs to be functioning adequately for discipline to result in improved child behavior. And you have the tools in your parenting kit to handle this. So far you have gathered: • A Philosophy of Parenting • Self-care techniques • Information on developing support systems • Communication skills All of the information that you have learned to this point will help you to become better at one of the most difficult aspects (and most important) parenting – properly and effectively disciplining your child.

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§

Approaches to Discipline

What’s your Style? Ø Reinforce that the definition of discipline focuses on teaching and instruction. Ø Direct the parents to think about the way they communicate with their children, as well as, how they discipline their children. Note for them that effective discipline is a result of a strong relationship with their children. Share the following information with the class. Direct their attention to Worksheet #20. They should use it before the lecture to assess their style. Your Conflict Management Style is a combination of two variables: • The measure you fight for your interests • The measure you take into consideration the other’s interests. Five combinations of these two variables determine five Conflict Management Styles: v Competitive Style If you have this style you focus on what you want and not on what the child wants. You are ready to win at all costs. Relationships are not important for you, just achieving your goal. Means are not important for you, just achieving your goal. You may attack the other person with criticism, put-downs, name-calling or violence. v Accommodating Style This style is the opposite of the Competitive style: you focus on achieving the other’s goal and totally neglect your own goal. Relations with the other party are more important than winning. You seek an agreement at almost any cost, offering concessions in order to preserve (or create) a good relationship with the other side. v Avoiding Style If you have this style you have a low focus on goals as well as on relations. You avoid or pretend the conflict does not exist, even if you will not achieve your goals or will damage your relations with the other party. v Compromise Style If you have this style you win something from what you wanted and give-up something else, by dividing and sharing. Of course, you have limits of how much you are willing to give away. v Collaborative (Cooperative) Style If you use this style you give high importance at the same time to goals and relations. Cooperative style involves full and open communication: you are attentive to the other, you are waiting to respond, and you make helpful suggestions. Is the most difficult and time-consuming approach, but has the best results if both parties use this style. Ø Ask the parents to think about the style they use most in conflicts? 115

There is Sanity in Schedules Establishing Routines! Schedules provide human beings with the consistency we need to feel secure and in control of our world. If you create a schedule for your children and you take it as seriously as you going to work and they’re going to school every day you will have used one of the most outstanding methods of disciplining your children. Children need consistency. When you set and keep schedules children feel more secure, more confident, and happier too. Expect them to complain and even to resist your scheduled plans, events, chores, etc. at first. Nonetheless, when your children see that you are sticking to your plan they will follow your instructions, behave well and be happier because of it. To make things even better, you will have more peace and a stronger relationship with your child.

§

A New Day! : Change your Approach to Discipline

I am sure that you have learned that you do several things well when it comes to disciplining your children. Take note of what you are doing well and continue using that approach. Also, think about what you want to change and do not be ashamed to change your ways. It’s a New Day! What should I do? Ø Worksheet #21 lists several things to remember and do or not to do when disciplining your child. The suggestions are based upon research that asked children what they needed or did not need from their parents in terms of discipline. Ø Have parents circle seven strategies they will use this week.

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LESSON 6 Parenting is Tough. Play Hard!

I. Lesson Overview In this lesson you will learn why it is so important to play with your children! You will learn seven types of play, get ideas for playing with your children, and you will play yourselves. So, relax and have fun! II. Advanced Preparation a. Choose a short story related to this week’s topic to read/listen to as a Session Starter i. Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul ii. Chicken Soup for the Single Parent’s Soul b. Read Mini Lecture c. Gather all items noted in Material & Supplies section d. Bring “kid” games to play (board games, cards, jump ropes, hoola-hoops, etc.) e. Prepare to take parents and children to an offsite location (playground/park), if possible Note to teacher: Some portion of this class may need to be used for the Final Project Presentations. III. Lesson Objectives a. To lecture on and define at least seven forms of play b. To organize the class into groups that will model the seven forms of play c. To observe and assess Final Projects IV. Measurable Outcomes a. Given a word search, student will be able to identify the terms that represent nine forms of play b. Given a list of the benefits of play, learners will be able to select the three benefits they want to experience for their family c. Given a list of play ideas, learners will be able to use the list as a resource from which to select family activities d. Given games to play together, learners will be able to experience the benefits of playing with their children V. Lesson Breakdown a. Summarize Lesson 5: i. In our last session we learned that to discipline our children means to teach and instruct them. We learned various strategies for discipline, reviewed what children say they do and do not need or want from their parents when it comes to discipline. We also reviewed five styles of handling conflict and identified our style. 117

b. Session Starter: The Facilitator should read a short story from Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul or from Chicken Soup for the Single Parents Souls c. Pre-Assessment Activity i. Ask the parents to discuss the following questions in pairs: 1. What do you think the benefits of playing are? 2. Can not playing have a negative effect on children’s development? 3. Can play help adults? How? 4. Do you play enough with your children? Why? Why not? Ø Discuss the responses with the entire class by asking teams to share some of their answers. Record the responses on the board and look at them again at the end of the class. Ask the same questions again and note changes in the parent’s response. d. Introductory Activity/Experiential i. Play! Invite the parents/children to play the games you brought to the class. Go outside if you can. e. Drama Performance f. Mini Lecture i. See lecture notes at the end of the chapter ii. Worksheet(s) #22, 23 iii. Review Worksheet # 2 g. Demonstration Exercise i. Have each person write down three words or phrase that explains how they feel about what they have learned so far. Their choices can reflect information they gained from any chapter of the curriculum. ii. Split the class into teams of 3-5 people and tell the group to combine the word and phrases to make a song, dance, poem or some other artistic representation of what they shared. iii. Have students identify which forms of play they have just experienced h. Applied Work i. Journal Entries 1. Journal #7 a. During the week i. Conclusion i. Session Stopper: Play a song(s) on any of the themes taught throughout the lesson 118

1. Michael Jackson: We are the World http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmxT21uFRwM 2. Leanne Womack: I Hope you Dance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTQfERb9HVk&featur e=PlayList&p=18702B50E448CD09&index=0&playnext= 1 3. Whitney Houston: I Believe the Children are the Future http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A_4t1elTTs ii. Have the parents show their children the home they have been building during the course. Parents and children can create some symbol of play together to add to the home. VI. Supplementary Materials a. Read or Play the reading of Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sedlack http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cOEFnppm_A VII. Material and Supplies a. I-pod dock, laptop with Internet access and speakers or CD and CD player b. Crayons and markers c. Name Tags or Name cards d. Scales e. Board/Large Easel Pad

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Worksheet #22 Play Word Search

P A T T U N E M E N T

R E T E N

S O C I A L

D B

C R E A T I V E

T C E J

B T

Attunement Body Object

Social Play Celebratory

P L A Y C G

Pretend Storytelling Creative

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Worksheet #23 Ideas for Play Instructions: Circle the three you will try with your children this week. Feel free to add you own ideas to the list.

1. Plan to play 2. Family walks 3. Feel free to be silent with your child 4. Arts and crafts, drawing 5. Reading 6. Listening to classical, jazz, country, rock, oldies 7. Dance together 8. Listen to books on tape from The Free Library 9. Skip instead of walk 10. Journal together 11. Tell funny stories about them as babies 12. Take child to work. Talk to them about what you think is fun at work. Involve them when and how you can. 13. Write letters together then mail them to one another 14. Prepare a special meal or a simple snack and eat it in a special place together 15. Cook together 16. Play cards 17. Make up stories, write the story and draw pictures to tell your stories 18. Plan a Family Show. Practice every week then invite guests to the show 19. Make up songs and sing them 20. Dress up and pretend to be famous people you admire. Talk and act as you think they do.

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Journal #7 Title: Parenting is Tough. Play Hard!

Writing Prompts: Which three ideas for playing with your children did you choose? As you play with your children this week, write what you are learning. How do you feel? How do your children feel? Have you seen a change in your family? Explain. _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

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Lecture Notes Chapter 6 Parenting is Tough. Play Hard!

§

What is Play?

According to the National Institute for PLAY, play is a state of being that is intensely pleasurable. It energizes and enlivens us. It eases our burdens, renews a natural sense of optimism and opens us up to new possibilities. § Types of Play Worksheet #22 (homework) Playing with your children not only has inspiring and positive benefits for you both but there are various forms of play. We will learn about seven of them today. Ø Note: It is best to name the seven types of play then go back, repeat them, then give an example(s) of each form of play. Communicate what you feel most relevant to the parents based upon their feedback in the pre-assessment activity. Attunement play When an infant makes eye contact with her mother, each experiences a spontaneous surge of emotion (joy). The baby responds with a radiant smile, the mother with her own smile and rhythmic vocalizations (baby talk). This is the grounding base of the state-of-play. It is known, through EEG and other imaging technologies, that the right cerebral cortex, which organizes emotional control, is “attuned” in both infant and mother. Body Play & Movement If you don’t understand human movement, you won’t really understand yourself or play. If you do, you will reap the benefits of play in your body, personal life and work situations. Learning about self movement structures an individual’s knowledge of the world - it is a way of knowing, and we actually, through movement and play, think in motion. For example the play-driven movement of leaping upward is a lesson about gravity as well as one’s body. And it lights up the brain and fosters learning. Innovation, flexibility, adaptability, resilience, has their roots in movement.

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Object Play Along with other special patterns of play, the curiosity about and playing with “objects” is a pervasive innately fun pattern of play, and creates its own “states” of playfulness. Early on, toys take on highly personalized characteristics, and as skills in manipulating objects (i.e., banging on pans, skipping rocks, etc.) develop, the richer become the circuits in the brain. Hands playing with all types of objects help brains develop beyond strictly manipulative skills, with play as the driver of this development. The correlation of effective adult problem solving and earlier encouragement of and facility in manipulating objects has been established. The science of progressively more complex object play and its relation to overall competency has sparked research interest in corporate “work readiness”, in that a deficiency in fixing things by hand during one's youth may well mean deficiencies in complex problem solving in challenging work settings as an adult. To be a good research engineer, for example may mean that the times spent in high school fixing cars or building airplane models are as important as getting an advanced degree, particularly if the engineer is also expected to function as an innovative problem solver. Social Play From the simplest romp and wrestling of young animals to the most complex banter of close friends, social play is a key aspect of play behavior. Imaginative and pretend play The ability of the young child to create their own sense of their mind, and that of others, takes place through pretend play, which continues to nourish the spirit throughout life, and remains key to innovation and creativity. Deprivation studies uphold the importance of this pattern of play, as understanding and trusting others as developing coping skills depends upon imagination and pretending. Storytelling-Narrative play Storytelling, the way most kids love to learn, is, when under the play microscope, identified as the unit of human intelligibility. Making sense of the world, its parts and one’s particular place in it is a central aspect of early development. And as we grow, the constancy of stories that enliven and help us understand ourselves and others, from a parent’s telling how it was when they were young, to media-driven stories like Big Bird’s rants to Garrison Keillor’s Lake Wobegon yarns; all involve us in a never ending fun-giving experience. They give us permission to expand our own inner stream of consciousness, enrich our personal narratives with pleasure and fun as our own life stories unfold. Transformative-Integrative and Creative play We can access fantasy-play to transcend the reality of our ordinary lives, and in the process germinate new ideas, and shape and re-shape them. Given enriched circumstances, and access to novelty, our play drive takes us into these realms spontaneously. Whether like Einstein imaginatively riding pleasurably on a sunbeam at

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the speed of light, or a light-hearted group of IDEO corporation designers wildly imagining a new product, each is using their playfulness to innovate and create. With the advent of brain imaging technology, these natural tendencies, so important to adaptation in a changing world, may be better understood and fostered. Play + Science = Transformation. § Benefits of Play Note: The full article is available in the Teacher Resources Adults often tell children, “You play too much!” but actually children and teens best communicate through play. That is important information for people who are working to succeed at one of the toughest jobs ever. When families are dealing with the extra stresses that come with lack of time, energy and resources, the already difficult work of parenting can begin to seem impossible. But there is good news! The hard work of parenting is made easier when you play with your children. Yes, play. Not only will you feel better emotionally, physically, and mentally but you will create a bond with your children that will make it easier for you to communicate with them and will create a feeling of togetherness and peace with the people you love most. To make matters even better, scientists not only confirm that playing relieves stress, but they say it may even make you smarter. §

How to Play and Spend Time Together? Twenty Creative Ways to Play & to Make Time for Play: 1. Plan to play 2. Family walks 3. Feel free to be silent with your child 4. Arts and crafts, drawing 5. Reading 6. Listening to classical, jazz, country, rock, oldies 7. Dance together 8. Listen to books on tape from The Free Library 9. Skip instead of walk 10. Journal together 11. Tell them funny stories about them and other family members 12. Take child to work. Talk to them about what you think is fun at work. Involve them when and how you can. 13. Write letters together then mail them to one another. 14. Prepare a special meal or a simple snack and eat it in a special place together 15. Cook together 16. Play cards 17. Make up stories, write the story and draw pictures to tell your stories 18. Plan a Family Show. Practice every week then invite guests to the show 19. Make up songs and sing them 20. Dress up and pretend to be famous people you admire Note to teacher: Some portion of this class may need to be used for the Final Project Presentations.

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Lesson 6 Teacher Resource

Scientific American Mind (http://www.scientificamerican.com/sciammind/) - January 28, 2009

The Serious Need for Play

Free, imaginative play is crucial for normal social, emotional and cognitive development. It makes us better adjusted, smarter and less stressed By Melinda Wenner On August 1, 1966, the day psychiatrist Stuart Brown started his assistant professorship at the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, 25-year-old Charles Whitman climbed to the top of the University of Texas Tower on the Austin campus and shot 46 people. Whitman, an engineering student and a former U.S. Marine sharpshooter, was the last person anyone expected to go on a killing spree. After Brown was assigned as the state’s consulting psychiatrist to investigate the incident and later, when he interviewed 26 convicted Texas murderers for a small pilot study, he discovered that most of the killers, including Whitman, shared two things in common: they were from abusive families, and they never played as kids. Brown did not know which factor was more important. But in the 42 years since, he has interviewed some 6,000 people about their childhoods, and his data suggest that a lack of opportunities for unstructured, imaginative play can keep children from growing into happy, welladjusted adults. “Free play,” as scientists call it, is critical for becoming socially adept, coping with stress and building cognitive skills such as problem solving. Research into animal behavior confirms play’s benefits and establishes its evolutionary importance: ultimately, play may provide animals (including humans) with skills that will help them survive and reproduce. Most psychologists agree that play affords benefits that last through adulthood, but they do not always agree on the extent to which a lack of play harms kids—particularly because, in the past, few children grew up without ample frolicking time. But today free play may be losing its standing as a staple of youth. According to a paper published in 2005 in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, children’s free-play time dropped by a quarter between 1981 and 1997. Concerned about getting their kids into the right colleges, parents are sacrificing playtime for more structured activities. As early as preschool, youngsters’ after-school hours are now being filled with music lessons and sports—reducing time for the type of imaginative and rambunctious cavorting that fosters creativity and cooperation. A handful of studies support Brown’s conviction that a play-deprived childhood disrupts normal social, emotional and cognitive development in humans and animals. He and other psychologists worry that limiting free play in kids may result in a generation of anxious, unhappy and socially maladjusted adults. “The consequence of a life that is seriously play-deprived is serious stuff,”

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Brown says. But it is never too late to start: play also promotes the continued mental and physical well-being of adults. Worries over the demise of play began surfacing as far back as 1961, when the International Play Association was founded in Denmark to protect, preserve and promote play as a fundamental right for all children. But the idea became more popular a little over a decade ago, when many more nonprofit foundations—such as the National Institute for Play in Carmel Valley, Calif., started by Brown, and other organizations, including the Alliance for Childhood and the Association for the Study of Play—began forming around the globe to promote the value of play and to raise concerns over its demise. Freedom Counts But kids play soccer, Scrabble and the sousaphone—so why are experts concerned that these games and more structured activities are eating into free play? Certainly games with rules are fun and sources of learning experiences—they may foster better social skills and group cohesion, for instance, says Anthony D. Pellegrini, an educational psychologist at the University of Minnesota. But, Pellegrini explains, “games have a priori rules—set up in advance and followed. Play, on the other hand, does not have a priori rules, so it affords more creative responses.” This creative aspect is key because it challenges the developing brain more than following predetermined rules does. In free play, kids use their imagination and try out new activities and roles. The child initiates and creates free play. It might involve fantasies—such as pretending to be doctors or princesses or playing house—or it might include mock fighting, as when kids (primarily boys) wrestle and tumble with one another for fun, switching roles periodically so that neither of them always wins. And free play is most similar to play seen in the animal kingdom, suggesting that it has important evolutionary roots. Gordon M. Burghardt, author of The Genesis of Animal Play, spent 18 years observing animals to learn how to define play: it must be repetitive—an animal that nudges a new object just once is not playing with it—and it must be voluntary and initiated in a relaxed setting. Animals and children do not play when they are undernourished or in stressful situations. Most essential, the activity should not have an obvious function in the context in which it is observed—meaning that it has, essentially, no clear goal. Face Time How do these seemingly pointless activities benefit kids? Perhaps most crucially, play appears to help us develop strong social skills. “You don’t become socially competent via teachers telling you how to behave,” Pellegrini says. “You learn those skills by interacting with your peers, learning what’s acceptable, what’s not acceptable.” Children learn to be fair and take turns—they cannot always demand to be the fairy queen, or soon they have no playmates. “They want this thing to keep going, so they’re willing to go the extra mile” to accommodate others’ desires, he explains. Because kids enjoy the activity, they do not give up as easily in the face of frustration as they might on, say, a math problem—which helps them develop persistence and negotiating abilities. Keeping things friendly requires a fair bit of communication—arguably the most valuable social skill of all. Play that transpires with peers is the most important in this regard. Studies show that children use more sophisticated language when playing with other children than when playing with adults. In pretend play, for instance, “they have to communicate about something that’s not physically present, so they have to use complicated language in such a way that they can communicate to their peer what it is that they’re trying to say,” Pellegrini explains. For example, kids can’t get away with just asking, “Vanilla or chocolate?” as they hand a friend an imaginary cone. They have to provide contextual clues: “Vanilla or chocolate ice cream: Which one would you like?” Adults, on the other hand, fill in the blanks themselves, making things easier for kids.

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If play helps children become socialized, then lack of play should impede social development— and studies suggest that it does. According to a 1997 study of children living in poverty and at high risk of school failure, published by the High/Scope Educational Research Foundation in Ypsilanti, Mich., kids who enrolled in play-oriented preschools are more socially adjusted later in life than are kids who attended play-free preschools where they were constantly instructed by teachers. By age 23, more than one third of kids who had attended instruction-oriented preschools had been arrested for a felony as compared with fewer than one tenth of the kids who had been in play-oriented preschools. And as adults, fewer than 7 percent of the play-oriented preschool attendees had ever been suspended from work, but more than a quarter of the directly instructed kids had. Animal studies lend support to the idea that play deprivation leads to poor social skills. According to a study published in 1999 in Behavioural Brain Research, rats that are kept isolated during the two weeks of development when they most frequently play—the fourth and fifth weeks after birth—are much less socially active when they later encounter other rats as compared with rats that are not isolated during the same two-week period. And a study published in Developmental Psychobiology in 2002 revealed that male rats reared in isolation during their youth fail to display normal avoidance behaviors when introduced to dominant male rats that repeatedly attack them. Could play deprivation specifically cause these behavioral problems—or could social isolation in general have been the culprit? Another study suggests that play promotes neural development in “higher” brain areas involved in emotional reactions and social learning. Scientists reported in 2003 that play fighting releases brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF)—a protein that stimulates the growth of new neurons— in these regions. The researchers allowed 13 control rats to play freely with companions for three and a half days and kept 14 other rats isolated for the same period. On examining the rats’ brains, the researchers found that the cortex, hippocampus, amygdala and pons of the rats that had played contained much higher levels of BDNF than those of the rats that had not. “I think play is the major mechanism whereby higher regions of the brain get socialized,” says Washington State University neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp, who co-authored the study. Stress Relief Research suggests that play is also critical for emotional health, possibly because it helps kids work through anxiety and stress. In a 1984 study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, researchers assessed the anxiety levels of 74 three- and four-year-old children on their first day of preschool as indicated by their behavior—whether they pleaded, whined and begged their parents to stay—and how much their palms were sweating. Based on the researchers’ observations, they labeled each child as either anxious or not anxious. They then randomly split the 74 kids into four groups. Half of the kids were escorted to rooms full of toys, where they played either alone or with peers for 15 minutes; the other half were told to sit at a small table either alone or with peers and listen to a teacher tell a story for 15 minutes. Afterward, the kids’ levels of distress were assessed again. The anxiety levels of the anxious kids who had played had dropped by more than twice as much as compared with the anxious kids who had listened to the story. (The kids who were not anxious to begin with stayed about the same.) Interestingly, those who played alone calmed down more than the ones who played with peers. The researchers speculate that through imaginative play, which is most easily initiated alone, children build fantasies that help them cope with difficult situations. Animal studies also support the idea that play helps to alleviate stress—a concept known in neuroscience as social buffering. In a study published in 2008, Gettysburg College neuroscientist Stephen Siviy put rats into a chamber by themselves and exposed them to a collar previously worn by a cat, which made them visibly anxious. Later, the chamber was cleaned so it no longer smelled of the cat, the rats were put back in without the cat collar, and the rats immediately became anxious again, probably because they associated the space with the cat. But if Siviy and

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his colleagues then introduced another rat into the chamber—one that had never been exposed to the cat collar and was not afraid—the two would begin playing by chasing each other, tumbling and pretend fighting. And shortly thereafter, the first rat would relax and become calm, suggesting that play helped the rat to lessen its anxiety. Play to the Head of the Class Relieving stress and building social skills may seem to be obvious benefits of play. But research hints at a third, more counterintuitive area of influence: play actually appears to make kids smarter. In a classic study published in Developmental Psychology in 1973, researchers divided 90 preschool children into three groups. One group was told to play freely with four common objects—among the choices were a pile of paper towels, a screwdriver, a wooden board and a pile of paper clips. A second set was asked to imitate an experimenter using the four objects in common ways. The last group was told to sit at a table and draw whatever they wanted, without ever seeing the objects. Each scenario lasted 10 minutes. Immediately afterward, the researchers asked the children to come up with ideas for how one of the objects could be used. The kids who had played with the objects named, on average, three times as many nonstandard, creative uses for the objects than the youths in either of the other two groups did, suggesting that play fosters creative thinking. Play fighting also improves problem solving. According to a paper published by Pellegrini in 1989, the more elementary school boys engaged in rough-housing, the better they scored on a test of social problem solving. During the test, researchers presented kids with five pictures of a child trying to get a toy from a peer and five pictures of a child trying to avoid being reprimanded by his mother. The subjects were then asked to come up with as many possible solutions to each social problem; their score was based on the variety of strategies they mentioned, and children who play-fought regularly tended to score much better. Pellegrini does question, however, how much cause and effect one can glean from these studies. “What does play do? Is it the vanguard of learning something—so does play precede those sorts of skills—or is it merely practice or consolidation of skills that are already developing?” he asks. Although no one knows, “either way, at some level, it would be beneficial,” he concludes. Does lack of play, then, impede the development of problem-solving skills? Perhaps, according to animal studies. In a paper published in Developmental Psychobiology in 1978, experimenters separated young rats by mesh partitions—they could see, smell and hear other rats but could not play with them—for the 20 days during development when they would have most frequently played. The researchers taught these rats, and a group that had been allowed to play without constraints, to pull a rubber ball out of the way to get a food treat. A few days later they switched the setup so the rats would have to push the same ball to get the treat. The isolated rats took much longer to try new approaches, and thus solve the problem, than did the rats that had played. The authors speculate that through play, animals learn to try new things, and animals that do not play simply do not acquire this same behavioral flexibility. Playing also appears to help with language development, according to a 2007 study in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine. Researchers at the University of Washington gave a box of toy blocks to children from middle- and low-income families aged 18 months to two and a half years. Parents of these kids, as well as parents of a similar group of kids who had no blocks, kept track of how often the children played. After six months, the kids who had played with blocks scored significantly higher on language tests than the others did. The researchers are not sure, however, whether these improvements resulted from playing with blocks per se—because by playing with blocks, the youngsters were spending less time in unproductive activities such as watching television. But why might play help kids excel? Animal researchers believe that play serves as a kind of training for the unexpected. “Play is like a kaleidoscope,” says evolutionary biologist Marc Bekoff

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of the University of Colorado at Boulder, in that it is random and creative. The bottom line, he posits, is that play encourages flexibility and creativity that may, in the future, be advantageous in unexpected situations or new environments. Some child psychologists, such as Tufts University child development expert David Elkind, agree. Play is “a way in which children learn,” Elkind says, “and in the absence of play, children miss learning experiences.” Let Loose If play is so crucial, what happens to children who are not playing enough? Ultimately, no one knows—but many psychologists are worried. Because play is somewhat risky—animals that are not alert and watchful are at risk of being attacked by predators—it probably evolved and persists because it confers survival advantages. “If it wasn’t important, it wouldn’t have evolved in its elaborate form,” Bekoff says. Indeed, evidence indicates that play is evolutionarily quite ancient. Rats that have had their neocortex removed—a large brain region that is involved in higher-order thinking such as conscious thought and decision making—still engage in normal play, which suggests that play motivation comes from the brain stem, a structure that precedes the evolution of mammals. “This means that the core, genetically-provided circuitry for play is situated in very ancient regions of the brain,” explains Panksepp, who led the experiment in 1994. Of course, many parents today believe they are acting in their kids’ best interests when they swap free play for what they see as valuable learning activities. Some mothers and fathers may also hesitate to let their kids play outside unattended, and they may fret about the possibility of the scrapes and broken bones that sometimes arise during play fighting or rambunctious fantasy play, says Sergio M. Pellis, a behavioral neuroscientist at the University of Lethbridge in Alberta. Although those instincts are natural, protecting kids “simply defrays those costs to later, when those same children will have difficulty in dealing with an unpredictable, complex world,” Pellis says. “A child who has had a rich exposure to social play experiences is more likely to become an adult who can manage unpredictable social situations.” Parents should let children be children—not just because it should be fun to be a child but because denying youth’s unfettered joys keeps kids from developing into inquisitive, creative creatures, Elkind warns. “Play has to be reframed and seen not as an opposite to work but rather as a complement,” he says. “Curiosity, imagination and creativity are like muscles: if you don’t use them, you lose them.”

Source: http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=the-serious-need-for-play&print=true

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LESSON 7 Stuck Together: Establishing Family Traditions, Rituals, & Routines

I. Lesson Overview In this lesson you will learn how family traditions and rituals can give strength to your family relationships. You will begin to realize that you can use what you already know and what you already do with your children to begin to establish meaningful traditions, rituals, and routines. II. Advanced Preparation a. Choose a short story related to this week’s topic to read/listen to as a Session Starter i. Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul ii. Chicken Soup for the Single Parent’s Soul b. Read Mini Lecture c. Gather all items noted in Material & Supplies section d. Make copies of the Daily Math Rituals Handout (See: Teacher Resources) e. Bring materials needed to set up “stations” at which parents can experience, observe, create traditions for their family III. Lesson Objectives a. To lecture on the benefits of traditions, rituals, and routines b. To give seven reasons why it is important to establish traditions, rituals and routines c. To observe and assess Final Projects IV. Measurable Outcomes a. Given seven benefits, learners will be able to discuss the value of rituals, traditions and routines b. Given a chance to review Lesson 1 and a list of rituals, traditions and routines, learners will be able to write at least twelve traditions they want to establish for their family and that are consistent with their vision for themselves and for their children c. Given a list of the benefits and challenges, learners will be aware of the joys and challenges associated with establishing family traditions V. Lesson Breakdown a. Summarize Lesson 6: i. In our last session we learned that playing is one of the post important things a parent can do with her children. We learned seven types of play and gathered ideas for how to have fun and grow closer to our children through play. Today we will explore how incorporating the

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lessons we have learned into our traditions, rituals and routines can help us as we work to build healthy families. b. Session Starter: The Facilitator should read a short story from Chicken Soup for the Parents Soul or from Chicken Soup for the Single Parents Souls. Note that the Chicken Soup readings have become a ritual for the start of each class session. c. Pre-Assessment Activity i. Ask the parents to discuss the following questions in pairs: 1. What is a tradition, ritual or routine? 2. What are the benefits of establishing family traditions, rituals and routines? 3. What are some of your traditions, rituals or routines? Ø Discuss the responses with the entire class by asking teams to share some of their answers. Record the responses on the board and look at them again at the end of the class. Ask the same questions again and note changes in the parents’ responses. d. Introductory Activity/Experiential i. Be prepared to share a snack/meal. Play music and turn on a television if one is available. Leave crafts out on the tables. Direct parents to take some time (10-15 minutes) to do whatever they choose. ii. Gather the class and have them share how they spent their time. Have someone volunteer to write the observations. 1. How did you spend your time? 2. Why? 3. How did you feel? e. Drama Performance f. Mini Lecture i. See lecture notes at the end of the chapter ii. Worksheet(s) #24, 25 g. Demonstration Exercise i. Have parents look at Worksheet # 25 and select one of the twelve rituals, routines, or traditions they will establish. ii. Each parent should choose peers to represent the person(s) with whom s/he will establish this tradition/ritual 1. The parent needs to tell her peers which child/adult they represent and give some information about that individual and about how they expect that person to react to the new tradition 2. After conferencing, the team will role play for the class

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iii. Ask parents to role play for the class how they will introduce the new tradition to their family/member of their family iv. Each parent should receive feedback from the class on their presentation of the idea and on how to address challenges. Have the parents refer to past lessons for solutions and ideas. h. Applied Work i. Journal Entries: Journal #8 a. During the week b. Encourage the parents to continue to journal and to teach their children to journal (this too could become a family tradition) i. Conclusion i. Remember to take a photograph with your class. Email or send the photo to them with an encouraging note two or more weeks after the class has ended ii. Session Stopper: Play a song(s) on any of the themes taught throughout the lesson 1. Elvis Presley: Stuck on You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYsPqoDPjCI&feature =PlayList&p=5641787EE7D4D1AB&playnext=1&playne xt_from=PL&index=26 2. Lionel Richie: Stuck on You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7pxLdsHGF0 3. Dave Matthews: Stuck on You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBWLq_rh_i8

VI. Material and Supplies a. I-pod dock, laptop with Internet access and speakers or CD and CD player b. Crayons and markers c. Clay d. Pens/Pencils e. Food f. Copies of each of the Chicken Soup stories read in each session g. Camera

Note to teacher: Some portion of this class may need to be used for the Final Project Presentations.

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Worksheet #24 Benefits of Establishing Traditions Instructions: Sometimes we become so accustomed to meeting our childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s needs that we underestimate or overlook the many small and beautiful acts that we perform in our daily care of them. What routines, rituals and traditions does your family already have? Write them down. Review the list of benefits below and, using the benefits from the list, complete the sentences to show how the things in your daily, weekly, monthly or yearly routine help your children.

Traditions, routines or rituals give children: 1. a sense that they belong 2. the opportunity to grow closer to parents, siblings and others in the support system 3. an excellent source of great memories and feeling of being loved 4. a way to demonstrate your family values 5. stability, predictability and order 6. a sense of identity/positive self-concept 7. a positive example of parental authority Complete the sentence using points 1-7 in the list above.

I realize that when I do ______________________________________ with or for my children I give my children ___________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

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Worksheet #25 Create “We Always” Moments Instructions: Here are some ideas of possible family rituals and traditions that you can turn into special memories for your children. The rituals, traditions and routines are separated into four categories. Circle the three you most like from each section.

"We always..." 1. Daily Family Rituals n n n n

n

n n n n n n

Bedtime prayers Bedtime reading Bedtime thanks or gratitude A special bedtime goodnight song, poem, saying, kiss, handshake, etc. Meal conversations about your day Helping set the table Caring for a pet Cleaning up after meals Daily math rituals* Welcome hug and kiss Minding Manners by saying, “Yes, please” “Thank you,” etc.

2. Weekly Family Rituals n n n n n

n n n n n n n n n

Calling grandparents Game night Pizza night Left-over night Make your own dinner night Sunday family meal Sunday dessert Tea time TV dinner night Cookie bake Movie night Chore day Visit grandparents Volunteer

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3. Seasonal/Annual Traditions n n n n

n n n n n n n n n n

n n n

Birthday celebrations Seasonal crafts Holiday traditions Going for ice cream after getting a report card Family vacation New Year's Eve Party Collecting leaves each fall Holiday family letter Family reunions First bike ride of the year Spring cleaning Annual recitals First snow Spring cleaning and garage sale Planting a garden Planting bulbs in the fall First bike ride of the season

4. Anytime Rituals n

n n

n n n n n

n

Helping neighbors with homework Babysitting for a friend Telling stories about the past Walk after dinner Adding to your Baby Book Creating a Memory Book Helping at the food bank Special outings on a regular basis (i.e. Day with Dad, Mommy and Me Movie) Card games Family puzzle Family craft project Family meetings Special songs and poems that bring back memories Baking a celebration cake

Try to make your time special together and help build happy memories that last!

Adapted from: Susan Jarema who is the founder of Googol Learning, the Crazy 4 Math Contest, TVvgFREE.com, New Earth Marketing and Kidzinfo. * Request worksheet in Teacher Resources

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Journal #8 Title: Stuck Together: Establishing Traditions, Rituals & Routines

Writing Prompts: Which traditions, rituals or routines did you select for each category? How did your children receive your idea? What positive things have happened because of your new ritual, tradition or routine? ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________

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Lecture Notes Chapter 7 Stuck Together: Establishing Traditions, Rituals & Routines

§

What are the values of traditions, rituals and routines?

Are there things that you and your children do over and over again? These are your family rituals, traditions or routines. Sometimes we become so accustomed to meeting our children’s needs that we underestimate or overlook the many small and beautiful acts that we perform in our daily care of them – acts that can, if done deliberately become traditions, routines or rituals that give to children: 1. a sense that they belong 2. the opportunity to grow closer to parents, siblings and others in the support system 3. an excellent source of great memories and feeling so being loved 4. a way to demonstrate your family values 5. stability, predictability and order 6. a sense of identity/positive self-concept 7. a positive example of parental authority Ø Lead the parents in a discussion on the benefits and challenges of establishing routines. Complete Worksheet #24.

§

When should traditions, rituals and routines occur?

Traditions, rituals and routines can be organized into four major categories: o Daily o Weekly o Annual/Seasonal o Anytime Ø Using Worksheet #25 explain each and give/receive examples from the class. Ø Have parents complete Worksheet #25. Complete the demonstration exercise in the outline.

Note to teacher: Some portion of this class may need to be used for the Final Project Presentations.

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Teacher Resources Daily Math Rituals: http://www.googolpower.com/content/articles/family-rituals-to-keep-the-math-alive-inyour-home "Weatherman" Designate someone as the weatherman for the week. Everyone tries estimating the temperature, barometric pressure and humidity. The Weatherman looks it up and charts it. If you want, make it a game — the closest estimate gets a point. Find a special hat. Baking with Fractions Never follow the recipe exactly! Double it; half it; make 7/8's of the recipe. Make it your kitchen rule. Growth Chart Set up an area to keep track of everyone's weekly weight, height. Whose hair and nails grow the quickest? Make outlines of your hands and feet. Include your cousins and family friends! Years later it is wonderful to look back on. Grade Averaging Keep track of your marks as you bring assignments and test home and figure out your average grade. This can also be used as a goal setting tool. Neighborhood Math Estimate, measure and compare distances to locations your walk and drive to frequently — your school, the library, the park, the store. This is another activity that can be turned into a game to see how close you can get. Big Telephone Numbers Memorize all your friends telephone numbers and add up (or multiply) the digits. Who has the highest number? Math Challenges Get into teams to have math fact races. Have everyone challenge Dad! Look up mental math tricks and try some tougher challenges. Who can skip count backwards by 12s? Listen to Googol Power's new song, Friends at the Fiesta from The Skip Counting Zone album to practice. • •

Or what about trying to double numbers up to 1,048,576! Or listen to this doubling segment from The Skip Counting Zone.

Math Games There are many math games you can play while folding laundry, traveling in the car and doing chores. One of our favorite games is "What number am I?" — a game very similar to 20 questions. Traditionally, you play by guessing a number between 1 and 1000 (or any rational integer). Children eventually learn to half each guess to zone in on the number. You can also get creative with your questions and provide clues. I am a factor of 36; what number(s) am I? We routinely play games with cards and dice. In fact I always carry dice and cards in my purse. They come in handy. One way to include more math in your card games is to try to estimate and pick up the exact number of cards from the pile before you deal out the hands. This challenge forces the dealer to multiply the number of cards by the number of players.

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Another option is to make up your own word problems for everyone to try to answer. The book, Math By Kids, has examples of great problems written by children of varying ages that can get your family started. We routinely play games with cards and dice. In fact I always carry dice and cards in my purse. They come in handy. One way to include more math into your card games is to try to estimate and pick up the exact number of cards from the pile before you deal out the hands. This challenge forces the dealer to multiply the number of cards by the number of players. There are many ways to add math into your games. Music Practice We have added into our music lessons a short time to put math patterns to music. This started after we played Pi on the recorder for the Crazy CD. Of course you can also try singing pi too! Now the kids play different irrational patterns and sequences. Craft Time Do you have a certain time when you do crafts? Add math into your crafts — create 3 dimensional geometrical shapes out of cardboard or toothpicks, make a fraction pizza, build a sundial, create a collage of geometric patterns, design a tessellation, play with tangrams, make your own flash cards, craft your own math game... it's endless. Out and About Get in the habit of checking your mileage. Keep a logbook in the car for the kids to record the information. Routinely take turns being “the estimator” as you add up the groceries in the cart. See how close you can get to the final amount. The playground has many great geometric shapes used to build playing structures. Which ones are the strongest? Math Around Your Home Younger kids will love keeping a chart of the math they find around the house. Look for things to count, arrays, shapes, angles, things to measure (height, weight, volume), measurements on labels. Sort cereal, socks, Lego®, anything! Watch how quickly they become Crazy 4 Math if you have a treat at the end. Create a math log—a special book outlining the math they have learned, that they can show relatives and look back at in years to come. Math in Nature Even a cockroach has symmetry Look for math when you are enjoying nature—plan for regular math walks. Kids love searching for examples of symmetry and Phi in flower petals, pinecones and leaves. Plant a tree and track its growth. Start a log book or diary of your math observations. Write down all those questions the kids ask and try to find the answers together. Carry around a little book of questions. Share your findings with your family friends. What's the probability of all the flower seeds growing that you plant? What factors lead to them growing successfully? How many seeds are on a dandelion flower? Is a snowflake symmetrical? How many snowflakes can you catch? Start a rock collection. Press leaves. Build your own birdhouse for the yard. Make steeping stones for the garden. Count and sort stones. Measure a tree. Measure your shadow. Build a sundial. Count the stars. Check out ECO-Math. The math is endless and the memories are priceless.

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Pre and Post Test – Parenting Curriculum Name__________________________________________________________________ Your answers will be kept confidential

Chapter 1: Building a Philosophy of Parenting Rating Scale: Use the 5-point scale to indicate your level of awareness/agreement from definitely yes to definitely no in each of the following categories. The scale for each concept is as follows: Definitely Yes (DY) Probably Yes (PY) Uncertain (U) Probably No (PN) Definitely No (DN)

Survey: Please circle only one response. 1. I have written a personal definition of parenting

2. I have written a mission statement for my family

3. I have discussed with my children the values I want my

4. I spend time alone with each one of my children

5. I know of free activities and events to do with my children

family to have

True or False: Please write “True” or “False” in the box to the right 6. Parenting comes naturally. People are born with an instinct to parent so once you have children you just know what to do. 7. There are two types of values: higher order values and lower order values 8. Children are more likely to do what they see their parents doing than they are to listen to what their parents tell them they should do 9. A family vision and mission statement tells of a family’s values, goals, and character 10. If I become a better person my children will become better people

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Fill in the Blank: Please circle or write the correct response(s).

A. Parents serve many roles for their children. On the lines below, write three roles that parents play: 1. ______________________________________________ 2. ______________________________________________ 3. ______________________________________________

B. There are two types of values: 3. ____________________________ Order Values 4. ____________________________ Lower Order Values

C. We want to be visionary parents. One of the best ways to have vision and to gain control of our lives is to take the time to _____________ what we want to see happen. a. Write down b. Think about c. Tell others

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Chapter 2: Breath Again Self Care & Self-Advocacy

Rating Scale: Use the 5-point scale to indicate your level of awareness/agreement from definitely yes to definitely no in each of the following categories. The scale for each concept is as follows: Definitely Yes (DY) Probably Yes (PY) Uncertain (U) Probably No (PN) Definitely No (DN)

Survey: Please circle only one response. 1. I know at least three positive things to do to calm down

2. I can name two different types of anger

3. I can list the affects of stress on my body and mind

4. I meditate or pray regularly.

5. I know what the phrase “gift of time” means

when I am angry

True or False: Please write “True” or “False” in the box to the right 6. When you get angry your heart rate and blood pressure go up 7. There are two types of anger 8. Taking better care of myself can make me a better parent 9. I can do relaxing things for myself even if I do not have money 10. Taking care of yourself is selfish

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Fill in the Blank/Multiple Choice: Please circle or write the correct response(s).

A. What are five free things you can do to take better care of yourself? 1. ______________________________________________ 2. ______________________________________________ 3. ______________________________________________ 4. ______________________________________________ 5. ______________________________________________

B. Name two types of anger. 1. ____________________________ 2. ____________________________

C. Stress causes three things to happen to our bodies. Circle the correct response below. a. Sensitivity increases b. Thought processes are affected c. Behavior changes d. All of the above

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Chapter 3: Building & Using Support Systems Rating Scale: Use the 5-point scale to indicate your level of awareness/agreement from definitely yes to definitely no in each of the following categories. The scale for each concept is as follows: Definitely Yes (DY) Probably Yes (PY) Uncertain (U) Probably No (PN) Definitely No (DN)

Survey: Please circle only one response. 1. Good parents do not need support networks to raise their

3. I have heard the term extended family/support network

4. I have an extended family/support network

5. I understand the meanings of the special education terms

children 2. I can list six things that will help prepare my child for daycare

used by counselors and teachers in my child’s school

True or False: Please write “True” or “False” in the box to the right 6. One can be a good parent without the support of others 7. If my child is upset because I need to leave her in someone’s care, I should just calmly sneak away when she is with the caregiver and she is not looking for me 8. Children living in shelters are more often absent from school 9. Getting support is a sign of failure 10. There are no perfect parents

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Fill in the Blank/Multiple Choice: Please circle or write the correct response(s).

A. What are three things you should consider when looking for quality childcare? 1. ______________________________________________ 2. ______________________________________________ 3. ______________________________________________

B. Name two ways to prepare your child for daycare. 1. ____________________________ 2. ____________________________

C. School counselors and teachers use certain terms when speaking about special education services. Circle ALL of the terms special education terms in the list below. a. Individualized Family Service Plan (IFSP) b. Troubled Education c. Developmental Delay d. Assistive Technology e. Early Intervention (EI) f. Tender, loving, care

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Chapter 4: Parenting with Grace Effective Communication

Survey: Please circle only one response. 1. I have heard and understand the term “active listening”

2. I can list at least three ways that parents teach children to

be responsible. 3. I communicate honestly with my children no matter how old they are 4. I know how to improve my communication with my children 5. I have the skills I need to talk to my children in ways that make them listen to what I have to say

True or False: Please write “True” or “False” in the box to the right 6. If we frequently communicate harshly with our children, we risk raising children who are insecure and who lack confidence. 7. Listening, Observing, Speaking, Questioning, Analyzing, and Evaluating are the six skills needed to communicate effectively 8. There are two main means of communication. They are verbal and nonverbal communication. 9. Keeping silent is one of the best techniques we can use to find out more information 10. Communicating well with your children will make you feel great

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about yourself too Fill in the Blank/Multiple Choice: Please circle or write the correct response(s).

A. What are three things you should do to talk so that your child will listen? 1. ______________________________________________ 2. ______________________________________________ 3. ______________________________________________

B. Name two ways main ways to communicate. 1. _________________________ or Auditory 2. _________________________ or Physical

C. Circle three of the six most effective communication skills: 1.

Listening

2. Observing 3. Ignore what you do not want to hear 4. Questioning 5. Speak louder 6. Look at the floor

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Chapter 5: Discipline: How to Hug ‘Em When you Want to Hurt ‘Em

Survey: Please circle only one response. 1. I have written a plan for how I will address conflict with my

3. I shy away from dealing with conflict

4. I am aware of the style I use to deal with conflict

5. It is as important for me to be a friend to my children as it

children 2. One of the most effective ways to correct behavior is to spank your child

is for me to be their parent

True or False: Please write “True” or “False” in the box to the right 6. My way of disciplining my child may include being harsh, spanking, yelling to correct unacceptable behavior from my children 7. Effective discipline will help children to become competent, to have self-control, self-direction, and to care for others 8. Conflict is a natural part of life 9. It is best to avoid conflict 10. Proper discipline makes children feel loved

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Fill in the Blank/Multiple Choice: Please circle or write the correct response(s).

A. What are three things you should do to effectively discipline your child? 1. ______________________________________________ 2. ______________________________________________ 3. ______________________________________________

B. There are at least five styles of conflict Management. Name two styles of conflict management: 1. _________________________ 2. _________________________

C. Circle three of the most important things that happen when parents discipline their children with love: 1. Children become competent 2. Children learn self-control 3. Children do not embarrass their parents 4. Children learn to care for others

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Chapter 6: Parenting is Tough Play Hard!

Survey: Please circle only one response. 1. I play with my children on a consistent basis

2. I know that playing with my children makes me feel less

3. I have a list of different ways to play with my children

4. I think that playing with my children can make them and

stressed out

me smarter 5. Play is about having fun but I would also say that children learn through play

True or False: Please write “True” or “False” in the box to the right 6. There are at least seven different forms/ways of playing 7. It is important for me to plan out times to play with my children 8. Science proves that playing reduces stress and makes us smarter 9. Children and teens communicate best through playing 10. Playing too little can delay a child’s development

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Fill in the Blank/Multiple Choice: Please circle or write the correct response(s).

A. What are three things you can do to play with or have fun with your children without spending money? 1. ______________________________________________ 2. ______________________________________________ 3. ______________________________________________

B. Circle three of the scientific names for the different types of play. 1. Attunement 2. Water 3. Body 4. Object 5. Playground

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Chapter 7: The Glue that Binds Establishing Rituals and Traditions

Survey: Please circle only one response. 1. I can name at least three traditions that my family has

2. I can explain how having family traditions benefits my

children 3. I have at least one thing that I do or say to/with my children everyday 4. I can recall traditions that my family had when I was a child 5.

I would say that rituals and tradition create special

memories for children

True or False: Please write “True” or “False” in the box to the right 6. Traditions/rituals can be daily 7. Families that have rituals and routines benefit in ways that families without rituals and routines do not benefit 8. Rituals and routines give children the opportunity to grow closer to parents, siblings and others in the support system 9. Children feel more stable when they have a set routine 10. Routines and rituals make it clear to children that there is in control

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Fill in the Blank: Please circle or write the correct response(s).

A. List three rituals, routines or traditions that you have with your family. 1. ______________________________________________ 2. ______________________________________________ 3. ______________________________________________

B. Traditions, rituals and routines can be organized into four major categories. Write them on the lines below. •

____________________________________

•

____________________________________

•

____________________________________

•

____________________________________

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Appendix A Original Article:http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/child-development/my00136

Child development chart: Preschool milestones

Every child grows and develops at his or her own pace. Still, child development tends to follow a fairly predictable path. Check out these general child development milestones for ages 2 to 5. If your child's development seems to be lagging behind in certain areas, share your concerns with your child's doctor.

Age 2

Age 3

Age 4

Age 5

Links two words together

Identifies most common objects

Describes the uses of common objects

Uses compound and complex sentences

Speaks clearly enough for parents to understand about half the words

Says first name and age

Speaks clearly enough for strangers to understand

Says full name and address

Knows some adjectives (big, happy)

Uses pronouns (I, you, we, they) and some plurals

Uses verbs that end in "ing" and some irregular past tense verbs, such as ran and fell

Uses future tense

Speaks about 50 words

Answers simple questions

Tells simple stories

Understands rhyming

Becomes aware of his or her identity as a separate individual

Imitates parents and playmates

Cooperates with playmates

Wants to be like friends

May become defiant

Takes turns

Tries to solve problems

Follows rules

Becomes interested in playing with other children

Expresses affection openly

Becomes interested in new experiences

Understands gender

Separation anxiety begins to fade

Easily separates from parents

Becomes more independent

Wants to do things alone

Language skills

Social skills

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Age 2

Age 3

Age 4

Age 5

Begins to play make-believe

Plays make-believe

Becomes involved in more complex imaginary play

Uses imagination to create stories

Begins to sort objects by shape and color

More confidently sorts objects by shape and color

Prints some capital letters and names some colors

Correctly names at least four colors and counts at least 10 objects

Understands some spatial concepts (in, on)

Understands more spatial concepts (over, under)

Understands more complex spatial concepts (behind, next to)

Distinguishes between fantasy and reality

Scribbles

Copies a circle

Draws a person with two to four body parts

Copies a triangle and other geometric patterns

Finds hidden objects

Understands the concept of two

Understands the concepts of same and different

Understands the concepts of time and sequential order

Walks alone and stands on tiptoe

Walks up and down stairs, alternating feet

Stands on one foot for at least five seconds

Stands on one foot for at least 10 seconds

Climbs on furniture and begins to run

Kicks, climbs, runs and pedals tricycle

Throws ball overhand, kicks ball forward and catches bounced ball most of the time

Hops, swings and somersaults

Builds a tower of four blocks or more

Builds a tower of more than six blocks

Dresses and undresses

May learn to skip, ride a bike and swim

Empties objects from a container

Manipulates small objects and turns book pages one at a time

Uses scissors

Brushes own teeth and cares for other personal needs

Cognitive skills

Physical skills

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Appendix B Positive Parenting Tips for Healthy Child Development Middle Childhood (6-8 years old)1 Developmental Milestones Middle childhood brings many changes to a child’s life. By this time, children can dress themselves, catch a ball more easily with only their hands, and tie their shoes. Developing independence from family becomes more important now. Events such as starting school bring children this age into regular contact with the larger world. Friendships become more and more important. Physical, social, and mental skills develop rapidly at this time. This is a critical time for children to develop confidence in all areas of life, such as through friends, schoolwork, and sports. Here are some changes your child may go through during middle childhood: Emotional/Social Changes • More independence from parents and family. • Stronger sense of right and wrong. • Beginning awareness of the future. • Growing understanding about one’s place in the world. • More attention to friendships and teamwork. • Growing desire to be liked and accepted by friends. Mental/Cognitive Changes • Rapid development of mental skills. • Greater ability to describe experiences and talk about thoughts and feelings. • Less focus on one’s self and more concern for others. Positive Parenting Tips for Healthy Child Development Middle Childhood Developmental Milestones (9 - 11 years old)2 Your child’s growing independence from the family and interest in friends might be obvious by now. Healthy friendships are very important to your child’s development, but peer pressure can become strong during this time. Children who feel good about themselves are more able to resist negative peer pressure and make better choices for 1

(Adapted with permission from Bright Futures: Green M, Palfrey JS, editors. Bright Futures Family Tip Sheets: Middle childhood. Arlington (VA): National Center for Education in Maternal and Child Health; 2001.) For more information, visit the American Academy of Pediatrics Developmental Stages website (http://aap.org/healthtopics/stages.cfm) 2

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themselves. This is an important time for children to gain a sense of responsibility along with their growing independence. Also, physical changes of puberty might be showing by now, especially for girls. Another big change children need to prepare for during this time is starting middle or junior high school. During this time, your child might: • Form stronger, more complex friendships and peer relationships. It becomes more emotionally important to have friends, especially of the same sex. • Experience more peer pressure. • Become more independent from the family. • Become more aware of his or her body as puberty approaches. Body image and eating problems sometimes start around this age. For information on healthy eating and exercise for children and teenagers, visit http://kidshealth.org/parent/nutrition_fit/index.html. • Face more academic challenges at school. Positive Parenting You can help your child become independent, while building his or her sense of responsibility and self-confidence at the same time. Here are some suggestions: • Spend time with your child. Talk with her about her friends, her accomplishments, and what challenges she will face. • Be involved with your child’s school. Go to school events; meet your child’s teachers. • Encourage your child to join school and community groups, such as a team sport, or to take advantage of volunteer opportunities. • Help your child develop his own sense of right and wrong. Talk with him about risky things friends may pressure him to do, like smoking or dangerous physical dares. • Help your child develop a sense of responsibility—involve your child in household tasks. Talk to your child about saving and spending money wisely. • Meet the families of your child’s friends. • Talk with your child about respecting others. Encourage your child to help people in need. Talk with him or her about what to do when others are not kind or are disrespectful. • Help your child set his own goals. Encourage him to think about skills and abilities he would like to have and about how to develop them. • Make clear rules and stick to them. Talk to your child about what you expect from her when no adults are supervising. If you provide reasons for rules, it will help your child to know what to do in those situations. • Use discipline to guide and protect your child, instead of punishment to make him feel badly about himself. • Talk with your child about the normal physical and emotional changes of puberty. • Encourage your child to read every day. Talk with her about her homework. • Be affectionate and honest with your child, and do things together as a family.

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Positive Parenting Tips for Healthy Child Development Early Adolescence Developmental Milestones3 (12 - 14 years old) Early adolescence is a time of many physical, mental, emotional, and social changes. Hormones change as puberty begins. Boys grow facial and pubic hair and their voices deepen. Girls grow pubic hair and breasts, and start menstruating. They might be worried about these changes and how they are looked at by others. This will also be a time when your teenager might face peer pressure to use alcohol, tobacco products, and drugs, and to have sex. Other challenges can be eating disorders, depression, and family problems. At this age, teens make more of their own choices about friends, sports, studying, and school. They become more independent, with their own personality and interests. Some changes younger teens go through are: Emotional/Social Changes • • • • • • • •

More concern about body image, looks, and clothes. Focus on self, going back and forth between high expectations and lack of confidence. Moodiness More interest in and influence by peer group. Less affection shown toward parents. May sometimes seem rude or short-tempered. Anxiety from more challenging school work. Eating problems sometimes start at this age.

For information on healthy eating and exercise for children and teenagers, visit http://kidshealth.org/teen/food_fitness/. Mental/Cognitive Changes • • • •

More ability for complex thought. Better able to express feelings through talking. A stronger sense of right and wrong. Many teens sometimes feel sad or depressed. Depression can lead to poor grades at school, alcohol or drug use, unsafe sex, and other problems.

(Adapted with permission from Bright Futures: Green M, Palfrey JS, editors. Bright Futures

Family Tip Sheets: Early Adolescence. Arlington (VA): National Center for Education in Maternal and Child Health, 2001. Other sources: American Academy of Child and Family Psychiatry and the American Academy of Pediatrics)

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Positive Parenting Tips for Healthy Child Development (15—17) Trust is important for teenagers. Even as she develops independence, she will need to know she has your support. At the same time, she will need you to respect her need for privacy. • •

•

• • • •

Be honest and direct with your teenager when talking about sensitive subjects such as drugs, drinking, smoking, and sex. Encourage your teenager to get exercise. He or she might join a team or take up an individual sport. Helping with household tasks such as mowing the lawn, walking the dog, or washing the car also keeps your teen active. Meal time is very important for families. Eating together helps teenagers make better choices about the foods they eat, promotes healthy weight, and gives your family time to talk to each other. Meet and get to know your teenager’s friends. Show an interest in your teenager’s school life. Help your teenager make healthy choices while encouraging him to make his own decisions. Respect your teenager’s opinions and take into account her thoughts and feelings. It is important that she knows you are listening to her.

Safety First Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death among 12 to 14 year olds. Injuries from sports and other activities are also common. • • •

•

Make sure your teenager knows about the importance of wearing seatbelts. Visit the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration for more information. Encourage your teenager to wear a helmet when riding a bike, motorcycle, or allterrain vehicle. Talk with your teenager about the dangers of drugs, drinking, smoking, and risky sexual activity. Ask him what he knows and thinks about these issues, and share your thoughts and feelings with him. Listen to what she says and answer her questions honestly and directly. Talk with your teenager about the importance of having friends who are interested in positive activities. Encourage him to avoid peers who pressure him to make unhealthy choices. Know where your teenager is and whether an adult is present. Make plans with her for when she will call you, where you can find her, and what time you expect her home. Set clear rules for your teenager when he is home alone. Talk about such issues as having friends at the house; how to handle unsafe situations (emergencies, fire, drugs, sex, etc.) and homework or household tasks to complete. A pdf of this document for reprinting is available free of charge from http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/child/earlyadolescence.htm

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Positive Parenting Tips for Healthy Child Development Middle Adolescence Developmental Milestones (15 - 17 years old) 4

Middle adolescence is a time of physical, mental, cognitive, and sexual changes for your teenager. Most girls will be physically mature by now, and most will have completed puberty. Boys might still be maturing physically during this time. Your teenager might have concerns about her body size, shape, or weight. Eating disorders can also be common, especially among females. During this phase of development, your teenager is developing his unique personality and opinions. Peer relationships are still important, yet your teenager will have other interests as he develops a more clear sense of identity. Middle adolescence is also an important time to prepare for more independence and responsibility; many teenagers start working, and many will be leaving home soon after high school. Other changes you might notice in your teenager include: Emotional/Social Changes • • • • •

Increased interest in the opposite sex Decreased conflict with parents Increased independence from parents Deeper capacity for caring and sharing and the development of more intimate relationships Decreased time spent with parents and more time spent with peers

Mental/Cognitive Changes • • • •

More defined work habits More concern about future educational and vocational plans Greater ability to sense right and wrong Sadness or depression, which can lead to poor grades at school, alcohol or drug use, unsafe sex, thoughts of suicide, and other problems (Note: Problems at school, alcohol and drug use, and other disorders can also lead to feelings of sadness or hopelessness.)

Positive Parenting Tips for Healthy Child Development •

Talk to your teenager about her concerns and pay attention to any changes in her behavior. Ask her if she has had suicidal thoughts, particularly if she seems sad or depressed. Asking about suicidal thoughts will not cause her to have these thoughts, but it will let her know that you care about how she feels. Seek professional help if necessary.

Adapted with permission from Bright Futures: Green M, Palfrey JS, editors. Bright Futures Family Tip Sheets: Early Adolescence. Arlington (VA): National Center for Education in Maternal and Child Health, 2001. Other sources: American Academy of Child and Family Psychiatry and the American Academy of Pediatrics) Rev10_07

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•

• • • • •

•

• •

• • •

Show interest in your teenager’s school and extracurricular interests and activities and encourage him to become involved in activities such as sports, music, theater, and art. Compliment your teenager and celebrate her efforts and accomplishments. Show affection for your teenager. Spend time together doing things you enjoy. Respect your teenager’s opinion. Listen to him without playing down his concerns. Encourage your teenager to volunteer and become involved in civic activities in her community. Encourage your teenager to develop solutions to problems or conflicts. Help your teenager learn to make good decisions. Create opportunities for him to use his own judgment, and be available for advice and support. If your teenager engages in interactive Internet media such as games, chat rooms, and instant messaging, encourage him to be disciplined and respectful about the amount of time she is involved with it. If your teenager works, use the opportunity to talk about expectations, responsibility, and other aspects of behaving respectfully in a public setting. Talk with your teenager and help him plan ahead for difficult or uncomfortable situations. Discuss what he can do if he is in a group and someone is using drugs, under pressure to have sex, or offered a ride from someone who has been drinking. Respect your teenager’s need for privacy. Encourage your teenager to get enough sleep and exercise, and to eat healthy, balanced meals. Encourage your teenager to have meals with the family. Eating together will help your teenager make better choices about the foods she eats, promote healthy weight, and give family members time to talk with each other. In addition, a teenager who eats meals with the family is more likely to have better grades and less likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs. She is also less likely to get into fights, think about suicide, or engage in sexual activity.

Safety First • Motor vehicle accidents are the leading cause of death from unintentional injury among teenagers, yet few teenagers take measures to reduce their risk of injury. Unintentional injuries resulting from participation in sports and other activities are also common. • Talk with your teenager about the importance of wearing a seatbelt while driving. Insist that she obey speed limits and traffic lights, and strongly advise her not to drink and drive. Set clear rules for when and where she can use the car, and who can ride with her. • Encourage your teenager to wear a helmet when riding a bike, motorcycle, or allterrain vehicle. • Suicide is the third leading cause of death among youth 15 through 24 years of age. Talk with your teenager about suicide and pay attention to warning signs. • Talk with your teenager about the dangers of drugs, drinking, smoking, and risky sexual activity. Ask him what he knows and thinks about these issues, and share

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â&#x20AC;˘ â&#x20AC;˘

with him your feelings. Listen to what he says and answer his questions honestly and directly. Discuss with your teenager the importance of choosing friends who do not act in dangerous or unhealthy ways. Know where your teenager is and whether an adult is present. Make plans with her for when she will call you, where you can find her, and what time you expect her home.

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Appendix C Parenting Resources Books 1. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey (Paperback - Jan 4, 1999) 2. The Six Most Important Decisions you will Ever Make by Sean Covey 3. Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla Kabat-zinn and Jon Kabat-zinn 4. Parenting Teens With Love And Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay 5. The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time by Cheryl Richardson 6. Time for mom-Me: 5 Essential Strategies for A Mother's Self-Care by Mia Renee Redrick 7. How to Pray When You Don't Know What to Say: More Than 40 Ways to Approach God by Elmer L. Towns 8. I Will Survive: The African-American Guide to Healing from Sexual Assault and Abuse by Lori S. Robinson and Julia A. Boyd 9. Blessed Health: The African-American Woman's Guide to Physical and Spiritual Well-being by Melody T. McCloud and Angela Ebron 10. Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery by Judy Arnall 11. The Black Parenting Book: Caring for Our Children in the First Five Years by Allison Abner, Linda Villarosa, Anne C. Beal 12. The Read-Aloud Handbook: Fifth Edition by Jim Trelease Internet Sites 1. The National Institute for Play http://www.nifplay.org/front_door.html 2. Parent With Passion http://parentingwithpassion.com/ 3. Zero to Three http://www.zerotothree.org/site/PageServer 4. Women Against Abuse http://womenagainstabuse.org/ 5. African American Boys and the Discipline Gap: Balancing Educatorsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Uneven Hand by Carla R. Monroe http://www.pilambda.org/horizons/v84-2/Monroe.pdf 6. Free Fun in Philadelphia http://www.phillyfunguide.com 7. Parenting Teenage Girls http://www.parentingtroubledteen.com/ 8. Preserving Family Traditions http://epicworld.net/ Videos 1. Parenting with Passion http://parentingwithpassion.com/ 2. Words of wisdom from Master Teacher Jawanza Kunjufu http://video.google.com/videosearch?hl=en&q=jawanza+kunjufu&um=1&ie=UTF8&ei=3wZzSsuFsymlAe9jZTUCg&sa=X&oi=video_result_group&ct=title&resnum=8#

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3. Developing Positive Self Images & Discipline in Black Children, Pt 1 - Dr Jawanza ... 4. Developing Positive Self Images & Discipline in Black Children, Pt 2 Dr Jawanza Kunjufu 5. Countering The Conspiracy To Destroy Black Boys, Pt 1 Dr Jawanza Kunjufu 6. Countering The Conspiracy To Destroy Black Boys, Pt 2 - Dr Jawanza Kunjufu 7. Countering The Conspiracy To Destroy Black Boys, Pt 3 Dr Jawanza Kunjufu 8. Countering The Conspiracy To Destroy Black Boys, Pt 4 - Dr Jawanza Kunjufu Parenting Classes 1. Insert Sue Endyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s References 2. Putting Kids First http://puttingkidsfirst.org/ 3. Positive Parenting http://www.positiveparenting.com/calendar/classes.html 4. Online Classes with Certificate http://www.parentingclass.net/

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Appendix D Free Philly Fun Resources!

Check Philly Fun Guide: http://www.phillyfunguide.com/event/cat/free?gclid=CJf8kIGkl5oCFYJM5QodPEaYOA

• •

•

• • •

home theater o classics o comedy o drama o experimental o family o musical music o classical o djs & clubs o folk / world o hip hop / r & b o jazz & blues o pop / rock o opera special events o - fairs o - festivals o - galas o - parades kids free museums & visual arts o museums o - folk / heritage o - history o - science o - zoos & aquariums o visual arts o - crafts o - galleries o - museums o - public art

•

dance o o o o

• •

•

tours sports & outdoors o outdoors o - entertainment o - environmental o - gardens & arboreta o sports o - cycling o - in and out of water o - running o - spectator o - teams & leagues ... and more! o culinary o classes & workshops o film o gay & lesbian o lectures & literature o multicultural o wxpn o all categories

venues reviews video central top 10 events - most viewed last chance events rss feeds funsavers o sign up for funsavers o submit a funsavers offer advertise with us submit a listing o submit an event o submit a funsavers offer o submit a change about us o contact us o about us o our partners o o o o o o

- ballet - folk / world - modern - social dancing •

• •

•

resources o organizations

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