Disinforming the students and the University community since 1893
volume 28, ISSue 27
TooSday, JaNuaRy 26, 2,010
www.carolinasucks.com
May graduation goes green
Stuff | Page 11 Angry pArents sound off At forum Complaints of difficult courseloads, under-inflated GPAs and lack of parking for multi-car dormdwellers
Recruiting | page 69 BetCH looks for ACtuAl students Foosball coach vows to recruit students that may actually come to UNC
Thousands of diplomas sent to landfill in december provokes uNC to replace trash cans with recycling bins at may commencement Art VAndelAy Future Mustache-wearer
UNC’s efforts to promote green living will take a post-graduate step during this May’s commencement ceremony, as recycling bins will replace trash cans outside the Dean Smith Center this year in response to concerns raised by students and faculty. Of the more than 2,200 degrees awarded at the December ceremony, Condi Synding, a spokesperson for the department of Reducing Waste, estimates more than 1,700 were found in the trash receptacles near the stage and exits. “Graduates took the diplomas from Chancellor Heldin Torpedo, smiled for the cameras on their way across the stage and then dropped
DTHell/loIS SHoeleSS
Graduate Theodore Puffinstuff disposes of his newly aquired diploma following Decembers commencement ceremony. them in the trash cans at the bottom That’s actually how I ended up in this of the stairs,” Syding said. “I was in job in the first place--well, that and my the crowd and couldn’t believe what daddy paid some people off.” I was seeing.” The initiative has been met with Synding, an alumna from the class praise by December graduates, who of 1994, said while she also threw weren’t hard to find since they all still her diploma away after receiving her work on Franklin Street. bachelor’s in highlighting other’s faults Lacy Brah, who works at the Vinewhile ignoring your own, she paid to yard Vines drive-thru that opened up offset her carbon footprint in 1996 by last February, graduated in December, donating $36 to an organization seek- but doesn’t remember what she did ing to grow trees in Siberia. with her diploma. “I saw an Animal Planet special “I always assumed I would hang it about how there aren’t trees there,” up in my office, but then I realized a Synding said. “I knew I had to help. degree in eyeshadow application with
Where are they now: Tiger Hansbobo A&E | page slevin Clowns to perform At pit Tickets for the concert, which was originally scheduled as an 11-year-old’s birthday, sell out in less than 30 minutes
Spurts | page 19 3/4 CoACH’s inJury exposed
Investigators find excessive amounts of baby oil in Ray Williamson’s household
MASCOTS| page -5 A new erA Sick of Tar Heel/ram confusion, UNC is seeking a new mascot. A profile of the frontrunners.
this day in history JAn. 26, 1903 UNC-Chapel Hill celebrated its tri-centennial.
weather It’s gonna be rainin’ threes if Glaves plays Uglier than Kress leng
index
Rate my cardigan.................................. ....... 28 Ask Fratty McFratFrat................................... 27 How to spend more money.....................28 Wine recipes......................................................27 Mass Sudoku............................................... 28-27
CorreCtions
If you have any corrections, type them up on your macBook airs in Century Gothic, print them out on resume paper and throw them in a recycling bin. We never make mistakes.
Former uNC savior now aims to save Hollywood tHAddeus williAm Huntington iii Yachts and Knots editor
Since Tar Heel fans last saw him, Tiger Hansbobo has gone from flying down the court to lighting up the silver screen. The 6’9, 250-pound crazy-eyed former UNC basketball player was selected from dozens of worthy candidates to play the role of a 6’9, 250-pound crazy-eyed former UNC basketball player in a recent AT&T commercial, in which a kindhearted Hansbobo helps a sad puppy find its way home. As per his restraining order, Hansbobo was not allowed within fifty feet of Mary Smith, the young lady who played the dog-loving damsel in distress in Hansbobo’s feature-film debut. Therefore, his scenes were all filmed using state-of-the-art green screens. Hansbobo said the green screen provided a unique challenge and allowed him to showcase his talent. “At first, uh, I was, like, really confused and stuff. It was all green and I was like, uh…where is the little girl?” Hansbobo chuckled. Dick Schmucker, the director of the ATNT commercial, said special dispensations had to be made so Hansbobo could stick to the script. As Hansbobo doesn’t actually have any friends, actors had to be hired to stand in as his ethnically-diverse posse at the restaurant. He put Hansbobo in an intensive, four-week texting class so his performance would be more realistic, but wound up hiring a stunt double because he pulled a tendon in his left pinkie. “We decided not to give him any lines early on,” Schmucker said. “We thought it would play to his strengths if he remained silent.” After that, Hansbobo was hooked. He fished around for more acting gigs and finally found
a minor in 1950s-era television doesn’t really allow me to have an office,” she said. “There’s a little wall space at the drive-thru where I work, but I was worried about everyone being jealous. Not everyone gets a degree from UNC.” Franz Fitzgerald with UNC’s registrar, confirmed Brah was right about the scarcity of degrees awarded at Carolina, and the heightened scarcity of degrees less than two months after commencement. “We have about 18 percent of undergrads graduate, not counting those that go to the NBA or jail,” Fitzgerald said. “And even those that get them usually toss them out. It’s just not a valuable piece of paper.” But, according to Fitzgerald, it’s easier for the university to save the environment by providing recycling bins than to try to increase the value of the degree. “We would need decent faculty, a complete course overhaul and better students,” he said. “It’s a lot easier to just buy some baby blue plastic boxes to sit outside the Dean Dome.” Mork Ellen, a senior in Kevin Bacon studies, said the move by the university is a welcome change, and that more could be done to help the environment. “They should just loan out laminated diplomas to save even more on production costs,” Ellen said. “There’s See green PAGe 12
Tailgating just got classier Though changes won’t affect most of the 78 fans that fill Conan Stadium, paperwork may keep other fans from distracting players Billy gutrige dean’s assistant, reMeMber?
DTHell/MATADoR MASTeRSoN
Tiger Hansbobo poses with a cardboard cutout of a dog in an upcoming Puppy Chow ad. one at Performance Acura, which was looking to advertise its October “Woah” savings event. The role allowed Hansbobo to showcase his vocal talents. “I kept forgetting my lines,” Hansbobo said as he creepily stroked the front of the car, as he does several times during the commercial. “Was it ‘wah!’ or was it ‘wow?’ I wound up having to use cue cards. But since I don’t read so good, they had to draw me pictures.” The dog used in the original ATNT commercial had to be put down after Hansbobo accidentally infected him with the incredibly rare and deadly human-canine chlamydia: but Hansbobo adopted a look-alike and the two hit the road. Despite what he called a “promising” NBA career ahead of him with the Indiana Pacers, Hansbobo See tiger PAGe 12
When you think wild tailgates, crazy fans and loud football stadiums the first to come to mind has to be the Carolina Tarheels. And to help make this atmosphere even better than it already is the UNC athletic department has decided to enforce more rules into its already electric atmosphere. The rule changes impose a dress code on attendees. No fans will be allowed into the gates of historic Konnan Stadium without the proper dress attire of khaki pants, and a white tucked-in dress shirt equipped with either a light blue bow tie, or light blue sweater vest over it. With the announcement of the dress code there have been split reactions over it, though students don’t seem to have a problem with the regulation. “I see absolutely no problem in it,” junior Fresh McDouche, head inspector of bowties and boat shoes for the Greek organizations, said. “It is not like we don’t already wear it already, especially the girls. I just wish it could be the dark blue that our football coach seems to love so much.” However the fans of Carolina who never have actually set foot in a classroom in Chapel Hell are outraged. As are the local Q-Mart and Wal-Shop as predictions for its second quarter revenues are dropping fast due to the recent failures of the team and the new rule. “If I ain’t ever heard of the most ridiculous thing in the world, outside of this I don’t know what is,” Cleadius Claxton, a local Waffle Building janitor, but supposed diehard fan said. “This is a violation of my personal rights as a fair-weather fan, I can’t afford to buy that expensive of clothes. What happens if they start losing? I will have to find another team. I mean we can’t even wear the sweet gear that we can get at Wal-Mart.” The next rule change that will help to take the CaroSee CHAnges PAGe 12
Heels claim Charleston Community College as new rival CAroline A. Blue staFF writer
The Tar Heels suffered a resounding defeat from Charleston Community College this season, because apparently being ranked No. 9 in the nation at the time did not automatically entitle them to sweep their non-conference competition. Abercrombie Hollister, a sophomore in Carolina fanatics, said he doesn’t agree with the outcome of the game. “It’s just not right,” Hollister said. “An unranked team just doesn’t beat a No. 9 ranked team.” After some guy from Waxhaw who probably pissed Ray Wilttums off preventing him from playing at
a real school hit a 3-pointer in overtime, according to the scoreboard, at least, the Heels had lost. In true Carolina spirit, however, students, faculty and fans are responding to this mind-blowing defeat by embracing their conquerers as their new rivals. “We look forward to playing Charleston Community College again,” Wilttums said. “I see potential for a real rivalry here. They will probably beat us most of the time but we will still have a chance.” Some say the Rams’ lack of a decent rival could have led to the loss. Dr. Polo Lauren, a sports psychologist, said the Carolina players are suffering from a syndrome known as “rival identity disorder.”
“The Tar Heels are so used to being better than anyone else, they don’t have a real team to call their rivals,” Lauren said. “This is detrimental to the player’s mental state. Hopefully Charleston will give them the chance to play a team beyond their level of perfection.” Player Dean Trampson said he is happy with the valiant effort his team put up against their opponents. “It isn’t like we were playing an easy team like Moo U,” Trampson said. “We met our match in Charleston Community College. We played a good game but in the end they just had something we’d never seen before. They didn’t just let us dunk.” The question of a non-existent rivalry with that agriculture school
in Raleigh has been a growing issue on campus for many students. Two open forums have thus far been held to discuss how insulting it is for the Tar Heels to even have to play the Wolfpack. Mink Chump, a senior in social networking studies, has created a Facebook group for people to vent on their frustration with Moo U taking Carolina’s focus off of Charleston. “Apparently State fans like to think that UNC and N.C. State are the two biggest rivals. Obviously this game proves that Charleston Community College and UNC are the only rivals that matter,” Chump said. “State fans need to get over the idea that we care more about beating them than Charleston.”
WE HOPE THAT NO ONE WAS HARMED BY THIS SPOOF EDITION OF THE DAILY TAR HEEL. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL NAMES OR PLACES IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL. UNLIKE OUR COMRADES DOWN THE ROAD, WE LIKE TO HAVE FUN.