Technician - February 23, 2011

Page 1

Disinforming the students and the University community since 1893

volume 29, ISSUE 25

Winesday, Feburary 23, 2011

www.carolinasucks.com

Austun finally recognized for accomplishments Former player wins NCAA social media award. Joan Blakley

Head of creative recruiting incentives program

divergence | page 7 Poll results in UNC actually sucks, A recent student poll shows. UNC students are realizing that Chapel Hill sucks more than Duke and many other ACC schools.

religion | page 29 Mars attacks Local Scientologist faction has freak UFO experience. Group claims to have found proper way to whip your hair back and forth. Will Smith to attend next meeting.

fail | page eleventy We losed? to da Wufpaq? How can we contiue to tell the Wufpaq we are not rivals, when their unranked women’s team contiues to whoop up on us?

PhiLo | page 24,756 What is the meaning?

UNC student guess the meaning of words, objects, and initial results show UNC students are as deep as a puddle.

sprouts | page .36 Is it over? Game attendencane at an all-time high. Fans are totally pumped about season.

this day in history

In a surprise move, the NCAA named former defensive tackle Marv Austun its recipient of its first ever Social Media award. Austun would be the first athlete chosen for what the NCAA is chalking up to be the most singularly prestigious award in recent times. Since Austun is the first ever recipient, the award will be from here on known as the @AnchorManAustun award, named after the former players long deceased twitter account. The AnchorManAustun award is given annually to the best collegiate American football tweeter, Facebooker or whatever is developed next and is as decided by members of the NCAA special panel on investigations. This panel includes former NCAA favorites, Mariek Clareto, Reggie Smush, O.J. Mayonnaise, Cad Newten’s father. Austun’s antics last spring and summer helped land the Tar Fool’s football team a NCAA investiga-

tion that turned the team from dark horse contenders for the national title, to a team that is the laughing stock of the nation, while simultaneously pushing the university off of its perceived ‘better than you at life’ approach. Austun himself declined to comment over the phone or in person, but did tweet us from his new name, @CupCakesGlocksAllegations. “I am glad that my legacy as a great Tar Hulla will last 4evr, good to be remember as some1 who brought good to Chapel-Hill.” Austun’s won the award due to his excellent coverage of himself over the summer months, using mainly twitter. During this time, Austun helped catch the attention of the NCAA with his tweets about his trips to Miami, where the according to Austun, “I live in Club Liv so I get the tenant rate…bottles comin’ like it’s a giveaway.” This tweet may be one that lives in infamy, as it seems Austun’s silly little comment helped lead to the downfall of UNC football program that frankly didn’t have that far to fall. A tutor scandal, about 45 suspensions and two NCAA investigations later, Austun is finally receiving his due for

The men’s basketball coach will soon enter rehab voluntarily. Frances Carhoreleone Devoted UNC well-watcher

During a press conference Tuesday, basketball coach Roy Williams announced his addiction to the popular teen-girl series, the Twilight Saga. This announcement came as a shock to everyone, except the members of the men’s basketball team. Much to the despair of the team and Team Edward fanatics, Williams is all Team Jacob. “He is my hero and is much less creepy than Edward Cullen. Also, Jacob’s movie character reminds somewhat of my younger self. Even while I coach for UNC, I’m all about the Wolfpack,” Williams said. “And my dark eyes and

hair went right along with my mysterious, stealth-like personality.” Williams said he is trying to become a werewolf to more closely identify himself with wolves without actually being fired. “I have always wished to be a werewolf and be part of a wolf family,” Williams said. “Although I haven’t figured out how to become a werewolf yet, I am a fan of Jacob because I can live vicariously through his actions.” The UNC coach said he finally admitted he had a problem last week. During practice, a player’s injury began bleeding. Instead of helping, Williams dropped his clipboard, cried out for mercy and ran out of the gym as fast as possible in order to escape before vampires found the hurt player. “It was then I realized my addiction. I have slowly fallen into a world where Twilight is real, where creepy vampires prey on the weak and where werewolves do their best to save the day,” Williams said. “It’s a real problem and I will begin rehabilitation for Twilight fanatics next week.”

weather

Josiah McBoring

Mostly sunny: 55/30 Keep your cardigans on

index

Ask Fratty McFratFrat..................................... 5 Starbucks help line........................................ 21 Spelling contest................................................34

Corrections

If you have any corrections, type them up on your MacBook Airs in century gothic, print them out on resume paper and throw them in a recycling bin. We never make mistakes.

many Tar Hack enthusiasts who have never known what was happening in the game. “I tell you, without Marv twe would’ve been stuck right up sh** creek,” Damos said. “Hell, it was Marv tweet to me that told me to send out both the field goal team and the offense to confuse Tuneessee in the last few seconds during the Singing Bowl.” Even Tar Hoe’s own students are enthralled that the man who brought down the legacy of the institution final-

ly got the respect and notice that he so deserved. “I could never be happier for the Anchorman for winning this prestigious award,” Charles Ginger, a senior in Greek organizations, frattiness and paddles, said. “Us students here at UNC view it as a bright sport amid a season filled with allegations, investigations, TJ Yachts, again, and heartbreak. I am so pleased that someone other than the

See twitter for more

players squash differences at birthday party Brantford Winstonworth Conservative beat writer

day, it would be the happiest day of my life. But at the end of the day, there’s no copying the Wolfpack; they’re just too classy for Carolina.” Although some questioned Williams’ dedication to the Wolfpack and the Tar Hecks at the same

Over the course of the last month, the Tar Hore basketball program has witnessed the departure of the son of an NBA coach, as well as the public scrutiny of its head coach Roy Williams via Facebook. Although emotions were flying, Williams, Drew Niner and the McCans family put their differences aside to enjoy current forward Josh Hansen’s 11th birthday at AMF bowling alley. After hours of bowling with bumpers, eating pizza, mixing every soft drink in the same cup and garnering thousands of prize tickets, friends, family and teammates began to file out of the bowling alley. The birthday boy, Hansen, thoroughly enjoyed himself the entire day. “It was really awesome,” Hansen said. “I was definitely most excited to play with my new yo-yo, but it was cool my teammates and coaches came too. When I’m 12, I want to have a moon bounce!” The player who once compared playing at UNC to living in prison, James McCans, and recent transferLonny Drew Niner took time out of

See bite me, page

See fatty eats cake, page xxl

DTHell/ Jessie Applebottom

Ralphy Williams, an avid fan of team Jacob, day dreams of Bella Swan and moonlit walks on the beach. The head coach furthered his admiration for werewolves by explaining his obsession with the N.C. State Wolfpack. “It’s hard to fight my true nature. Although I love my Tar Hores, my heart will always belong to the Wolfpack because of their mascots,” Williams said. “If I could be Mr. Wolf for one

Starbucks at Rams Head closed ‘indefinitely’ after computer implosions Pretentious impatience rumored to be cause of unexpected explosion.

Now you use an umbrella

the magnificent work he did. Head coach Batch Damos said he was enthralled that Austun was finally getting the credit he deserved. “Big Mak has always loved the spotlight and he finally got everyone focusin on him,” Damos said. “ I’m just mad he never invited me to some of those Cheesecake Factory meals.” Damos went on to state how without Austin tweeting about the games from the front row of the stands,

Williams confesses t0 ‘Twilight’ addiction Coach, former

February 23, 1893 It was discovered that The Daily Tar Hell caused brain aneurisms in small children.

Droplets: 52/32

DTHell/ Aaron Whole

Even on the playing field, Marv Austun can’t keep the twittering birds out of his head. No wonder UNC could never beat Russell Wilson and the Pack.

Senior Staff Prick

During the morning rush Tuesday, the Starbucks at Rams Head was forced to close unexpectedly due to severe computer malfunctions, implosions and students’ protests. After the crisis, details about the closure are being released. However, the popular coffee shop will be closed for an indefinite amount of time, according to Notour Problem, the CEO of Starbucks, who came to speak due to the dire emergency of the situation. The event was caused by an unexpected overload of complicated orders. They were reportedly processing too many coffee orders that were too complicated for approximately 105 percent of the student

DTHell/blue shoe

As the morning rush began at Starbucks, computers began to malfunction and sparks eventually caused the cardboard muffins to catch fire. body. “Our baristas and computers just aren’t capable of handling that many orders,” Problem said. “I thought my company could overcome any challenge, but now I don’t know what to do.” However, Problem said the company

would like to apologize and reassure customers they are working on developing a new system. “We regret the incident, but we know that this event will not deter our best customers, Tar Hole students, from visiting our stores in the future,” Problem said. “We’re all about sus-

tainability, and who can live without their drug-laced Pike’s Place?” One cause of the closure was due to the fact that they misjudged the true coffee addiction of the student body, and it isn’t something they want to do again. The company has already started to lose money. “We knew that putting in four Starbucks locations around Chapel Hill would increase our revenues exponentially,” Problem said, “but I’ve really seen a coffee craze like that of these students. It is making us rich.” Students were seen running from the Starbucks, some with Venti lattes still in hand. “Like, oh my god, I will never be able to like, take notes tomorrow in my ‘Philosophy of wooden tables in European history’ class tomorrow,” said Claudia Pigg, a junior majoring in playwriting and binge drinking. Chancellor Hold ‘Em Twerp was seen hyperventilating and in the fetal position in the back corner of his 1,500 square foot office, according to reports from his secretary. When the Daily Tar Hell tried to reach the chancellor for comment, his office said he was un-

See addiction, page 11

WE HOPE THAT NO ONE WAS HARMED BY THIS SPOOF EDITION OF THE DAILY TAR HEEL. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL NAMES OR PLACES IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL. UNLIKE OUR COMRADES DOWN THE ROAD, WE LIKE TO HAVE FUN.


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