Disinforming the students and the University community since 1893
VOLUME 41, ISSUE 10
IRFDAY, JANUARY 30, 2009
www.carolinasucks.com
Military restricts Franklin Street Sports | Page 11 BUZZER BEATER Ebonics professor Cryall’s last minute decision saves UNC basketball season as she decides to pass Thai Lostson
University | page 69 COME VISIT US We have no friends at the Daily Tar Hell and would love your company tonight
Forum | page slevin ATTEND THE FORUM Coments and concerns about how bad we are? The Daily Tar Hell is hosting a public forum Feb. 5th. Come and have your voice ignored. Can’t attend? E-mail noone@nowhere.com
National Guard to use deadly force to ensure safety of residents MAGGIE POOCH DOOFUS-IN-CHIEF
What might you expect to see if you walk out to Franklin Street on Halloween this year? A scantily clad sexy devil? A horde of drunken ogres? A pair of penises floating around Spanky’s? Think again. The only frightening feature of this treasured Tar Hole cluster cluck you’ll see will be an assortment of land mines, barbed wire and flame throwers. After calling for a “Homegrown Halloween” in 2008, Town Manager Rob N. Stanstil. approved a measure today that will call for maximum force to ensure that the crowd size will remain “as small as possible.” “We’re sick and tired of drunken Durhamites coming in here with their video cameras and taking away our virginal female population’s dignity,” Stanstil said. “There comes a point where you have to take harsh action. Enough is enough.” A lthough Stanstil believes that the ideal crowd
size would be zero persons per square mile, he admits that may not be possible if the city wants to allow the newly commissioned National Guard units to patrol the streets. “We jumped at the opportunity to patrol Franklin Street on Halloween,” Macon Paine, a special ops unit commander from the 43rd Infantry Division, said. “With us on the street, maybe no one will get shot this time.” Paine has laid out a plan of action for Halloween that involves tainting the beverage distilleries with potassium cyanide and requiring apocalyptic-style marks for access to the street’s diverse array of restaurants. “We really want to cut back on the overall consumption of alcohol and have a major system of control for food consumption,” Paine said. “All that post-Halloween vomit has been a health hazard in recent years.” After receiving presidential approval to suspend the writ of habeas corpus, the city council has authorized National Guard medical units to administer total frontal lobotomies for individuals not complying with the regulations. Willie B. Hardigan, a junior in political correctness, applauds City Council leaders for coming up with what he describes as the “most logical plan.” “Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but if they break the law they deserve to lose a very important part of their life,” Hardigan said. “Me love the way stuff hap-
DTHELL/ERIN BURR
Army and Air National Guards protect the precious Franklin Street on Halloween. The move was made to keep foreigners out of Chapel Hell. Three non-students were shot to keep the street pure.
pens in the state of Chapel Hill.” Before trailing off into a series of non sequitur statements, Hardigan revealed that he underwent a similar operation while participating in a trial clinic directed by UNC’s School of Medicine. Chancellor Holdin Stork and Campus Police Chief Wanda Reich-Gooberschmidt neither condone nor accept the military action but have insisted that the campus will fully cooperate
ART VANDELAY VILLAGE IDIOT
FOOSBALL COACH TO STAY
Negotiatons could change team colors
DTHELL/MITT DOUGHERTY
The construction on the Vineyard Vines on Franklin street is nearly complete. The drive thru will give students near instant access to the clothing lines first store in North Carolina.
MACHINE OF CHANGE New change machine installed in all cafeterias. Student response is Xtreme.
Thrill to make exception to drivethru ordinance
Blueshirt senior Taylor Hansblow has decided to begin wearing glasses instead of contacts, citing that searching for missing contacts during games leaves him stressed out and leads to acne breakouts. There are estimations that during his four year collegiate career, Hansblow has delayed at least 42 games for a combined three hours and 12 minutes. “The refs always stop the game and let me catch my breath when I lose a contact,” Hansblow said. “And then everyone looks for it while I retrace my steps and try to remember the last time I saw it.” But despite game officials offering his team free timeouts, Hansblow insists that he would
JAN. 30, 1976 Lassie saves girl from Olde Well. Prompts saftey renovations.
City Council unanimously agrees to allow Vineyard Vines to build drivethru outlet
weather
DOUCHEBOX MCSPERRYS
It always sucks here.
index
The Times & Trials of Bibby Freezer ....... 41 The Rites of Fanhood................................... 10 Well-endowed.................................................41 That’s what she said......................................10 Games ............................................................ 41-10
Corrections
If you have any corrections type them up on your Lenovos in comic sans, print them out on recycled paper and throw them away in the trash can, we don’t do that!
SENIOR STAFF WRITER
In an unprecedented move, the Chapel Hill city council passed an exception to the ordinance restricting the construction of drive-thrus within the city limits. The beneficiary of this exception — none other than Vineyard Vines, the world’s preppiest clothing line. City Council member Mitchell Tavernay said the local government really did not have an option. “Here in Chapel Hill, there is an almost insatiable appetite for Vineyard Vines clothing,” Tavernay said. “Around
DTHell ONLINE: Check out Vineyard Vines inventory and openings at Carolinasucks.com
these parts, preppy clothing brands like Vineyard Vine’s are king. There would have been riots had we refused.” The ordinance against drivethru’s was instituted in 1969 as a way to maintain the nostalgic small-town feel of Chapel Hill. Former mayor Eugene V. Debs, who was among those supporting the regulation, said the ban was to ensure Chapel Hill would be nothing if not upper crust. “Drive-thrus are for the lower class—the kind of people who shop in strip malls and buy used cars,” Debs said. “In Chapel Hill, we are better than that. Carolina students wouldn’t get caught dead wearing something without that little pink whale, or even a polo or gator shirt. It’s because they are better than you. They are clearly smarter, because their school is ranked higher. And they all have incredibly marketable majors like American studies or Slavic languages”
Vineyard Vines is expected to begin construction in early 2010 and to be complete by Christmas of that year. One of the new outlet’s major attractions is the planned “aromadousers” which will deliver a steady mist of Abercrombie & Fitch cologne to cars in the drive-thru line. Katrina Kenan, a junior triple majoring in Renaissance art theory, literature and pronunciation of dead languages and existentialist tendencies of neo-modern transcendentalists, said the student body is excited about the proposed Vineyard Vines drive-thru. “I am totally pumped that Vineyard Vines is going to build a drive-thru outlet,” Kenan said. “Now, I can have easy access to all the cardigans and overpriced tees that allow me to be accepted in the Thrill.”
WE HOPE THAT NO ONE WAS HARMED BY THIS SPOOF EDITION OF THE DAILY TAR HEEL. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL NAMES OR PLACES IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL. UNLIKE OUR COMRADES DOWN THE ROAD, WE LIKE TO HAVE FUN.
like to begin wearing glasses during games so he knows when his coach is joking with him. “Sometimes coach yells ‘Tyrone! You dropped a frickin’ contact on the court!’ and I look at him and I’m confused because I feel it in front of my eye,” Hillsborough said. “But he just keeps yelling, so I stoop down and pretend to look for it - coach likes to feel like he’s right - and he talks to my teammates while I feel around on the ground, and then when he’s done, we go back to doing whatever. He’s a funny coach, because he only plays that joke on me when we’re losing.” Balancing act Still, Tarhole fans wonder how Handsburrow will be able to balance his glasses on his nose while SEE BLOW PAGE 12
Policy bans discrimination POPMA CHERIE THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
this day in history
with orders to shoot to kill any resident choosing to approach Franklin Street. “The world is too dangerous for our students to be out frolicking around,” Turd said. “And if our students can’t go without using the bathroom for 12 hours, maybe we just need to quit using student fees to pay for dining hall laxatives.”
Hansblow prepares to get bifocals
Spurts | page 3.1415
Distractions| page .36
with the city to ensure that the Kristallnacht is efficient while also being beneficial for Tar Hole fans. “I just want to remind everyone that the best place to be during Halloween is where you will be the safest — on Hillsboro Street giving money to Raleigh people,” Reich-Gooberschmidt said. RAs will be trained for combat and issued 9mm handguns for the otherwise festive event
After three days of deliberation, university officials have unanimously decided on new laws on segregation on campus. Officials believe that the new university-wide policy will make the Hill more welcoming to students that do not fit the stereotypical Chapel Thrill mold. According to Chancellor Holdon Baws, the administration feels that the new policies will make political correctness a staple of the university. “With this new policy, the students and faculty will be required to ignore all qualities that make people individuals,” Baws said. “Students who do not adhere to the new policy will face severe consequences. On the first violation the perpetrator will be banned from campus for a week and on second violation, the perpetrator will be banned from all University affiliated things for life and sent to North Carolina Central University for the remainder of their college career with no option to transfer anywhere.” According to Fratty McShortshorts, president of the Interfraternity Council, the new
guidelines will change the face of Greek life at the University forever. “Under the new policy all the fraternities and sororities have to have equal representation of all ethnic and racial groups on campus,” McShorshorts said. “I think it is kind of ridiculous, but there is nothing we can do — we fought as hard as we could but the administration just wouldn’t listen.” Students on campus have mixed views on the subject but a clear majority is distraught over the decision. Poppin Would, a senior double majoring in midlevel women’s studies and guilty white liberalism and also a member of Gamma Alpha Yoyo fraternity, is very disgruntled about the decision. “It’s like the kids that buy kilos of coke weekly have to befriend the trash that can only afford an eight ball a week,” Holdendick said. “Not only that, the families that owned slaves in the 18th century have to befriend those that could only afford indentured servants.” It can be safely concluded that the new policies will force Brooks Brothers to be equal with Polo and North Face with Columbia.