Disinforming students and the university community since 1893
dookrejects.com
Volume #uh 5?, Issue #80085
Gameday, February 4, 2019
ATHLETIC EVENTS MISTAKEN FOR GENDER REVEAL PARTIES Karren Buckingham Jr. Jr. Pretentious Tree Hugger
Two weeks ago, unnamed sources confirmed that students continue to mistake UNC-Chapel Hill athletic events as gender reveal parties. More and more students proceed to get excited at the increase of males at UNC-CH. Chad Vanderbilt, a senior studying crayon coloring, attempted to explain his experience at UNCCH’s last basketball game. “I was at the Dean Dome last week, and like wow, that was the biggest gender reveal party I have been to yet!” Vanderbilt said. “I was so confused when the ball didn’t pop and shoot blue or pink confetti out, but obviously we won, so like, I guess it’s a boy.” Basketball is just one of several athletic events that are mistaken for gender reveal parties on campus. Female students mentioned that they look forward to the increase in boys on campus, considering that UNC-CH has a very small population of males. Just this week, Marissa Plaid, a freshman studying mayonnaise, expressed her enthusiasm for a larger male presence on campus, saying that cuffing season has been unsuccessful for her and that UNC-CH’s male population is lacking. Even though the incoming males from the gender reveal parties are still babies, everyone is excited for the male dominance UNC-CH will have in years to come.
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“We always dress in blue because we want boys!” Plaid said. “In my shoe-tying class, there are so many girls. I hate it! I am so trying to find a bae before Valentine’s Day.” Based on all the gender reveal parties, UNC-CH has been under pressure to open an all-boys daycare on campus. This daycare will train the babies to be future basketball stars. Academic Support Program for Student Athletes confirmed that each baby boy will be assigned a tutor to do their work for many years to come.
Sebastian McCheater, athletic director at the university, explained just how serious UNC-CH is treating this situation. “I have been hearing a lot about gender reveal parties on campus,” McCheater exclaimed. “Methinks that these baby boys will become future athletes. We are not saying that these athletes never have to study, but let’s just say that they will never have to touch a textbook in their life. How else are we expected to beat NC State?” While the gender reveal confusion brings ex-
citement for the hope of an increase in the male population on campus, it also explains why the Tar Heel football team has struggled for the last couple seasons. Football player Robert Bobby Jr. discussed the situation at hand. “People thought our games were gender reveal parties,” Bobby Jr. said. “Heck, I didn’t show up to a couple games myself because I thought it was a gender reveal. To be completely honest, I’m still confused if what we did out there would be considered football, because it felt like a gender reveal party to me.” According to alum Jerry McGarry, almost all of the gender reveal parties result in a baby boy, though occasionally there are girls. “Oh, the uniforms change to pink every October,” McGarry said. “I guess that’s the only time girls can be born.” In a couple of days, UNC-CH will face off against NC State in basketball. Vanderbilt expressed that they do not consider NC State a rival because they always ruin the gender reveal parties, since pink and blue are the only acceptable colors for a gender reveal. Duke is considered a rival because they come properly dressed in blue to the gender reveals. “We play NC State next week, and let me tell you, they are the dumbest team ever,” Vanderbilt said. “They always wear red to our gender reveal parties. What type of gender reveal is that? We would never consider ourselves rivals with a team which doesn’t even understand how gender reveal parties work.”
Following Pat McCrory, Silent Sam to teach classes at UNC Elite Yuh Thomas Joel Berry Superfan
Days after Pat McCrory announced that he would be teaching “Hard Lessons of Leadership: An Insider’s Look That You Won’t Read in a Textbook,” it was reported that the Board of Governors, in an attempt to tame the unkempt liberalism spreading like a virus on UNC-Chapel Hill’s campus, have hired Silent Sam to teach a new class, as well. Reports have stated that since McCrory announced his plans to teach at the university, the Board of Governors have instructed the Board of Trustees that more of a conservative presence must be seen on campus. Because of its proximity to campus and the money that was already set aside in UNC-CH’s budget, it was decided that on Saturday mornings, all “undecided” first-year students will be required to take a class called Confederate History for Diversity and Inclusion.
According to the Board of Governors Chair Harry Pitts, this class is to help students appreciate the history of the statue in a way that is fun, inviting and informative. “It is our duty as the Board of Governors to ensure that adults are getting a thorough education of real American history and real American values,” Pitts said. “It is pretty preposterous that the beautiful statue was moved to Kenan in the first place, but I will personally ensure that students do see it, whether they like it or not.” Haystack Cockroach, chair of the Board of Trustees, said that at this point he is unsure why the Board of Trustees has not been dismantled, because they have lost power and control over the university’s big decisions. “Obviously, the Board of Governors has total control of everything we do,” Cockroach said. “This whole year has been chaos, and I guess everything is fair game. I just I don’t even know why
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we have jobs anymore!” So far, the UNC-CH registration office has a 69-hour wait time to see students who are consid-
ering whether or not to drop out so that they can
MCCRAPPY continued page 2
UNC-Chapel Hill unveils New Well UNC Board of
Governors selects spider statue to replace Chancellor
Eighth Woods Received a Degree for This
In an effort to make students’ Instagram feeds a little less crowded, UNC-Chapel Hill announced on Friday that it has built a New Well. The addition came after many students complained that there were too many people in their pictures of the Old Well. UNC-CH administration hopes that the New Well will reduce crowds at the landmark. “We hope this affirms our commitment to our students,” said Karel Fault, former chancellor of UNC-CH. “Our students’ Instagram posts have been and remain one of our highest priorities.” The New Well’s construction began in November, following multiple reports that confirmed UNC-CH’s fragile water system could handle another well. Students were amazed that the structure had been built without anyone noticing any construction. “I know every inch of our perfect campus,” said Tom Dickenharry, a freshman studying observation. “I don’t know how I didn’t notice that it was adding another beautiful landmark.” Some students admitted that their obsession for the greatest basketball team ever goes so far that they didn’t notice the change. “I just follow Luke Maye everywhere he goes,” said Mary Sue, a junior studying human biology. “I didn’t notice anything but his big, beautiful eyebrows.” Others place their studies at the top of their priorities. “Yeah, I never leave the library,” said Gary Stu, a senior studying competitive reading. “I’ve
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Annex Barren-Footballfield Underwater Basket Weaver
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read every book in here; why would I want to leave?” Despite being unaware of its construction, students are excited for another water source on campus. “I don’t have to walk to the Old Well for a drink of water anymore?” asked John Smith, a
freshman pursuing potability & imbibement studies. Just like the Department of African, African American, and Diaspora Studies, the Old Well is known for its ability to get students a 4.0 GPA. It is uncertain if the New Well has been granted this ability.
The UNC Board of Governors has made the decision to replace former Chancellor Carol Folt with the bourgeois spider sculpture located along East Cameron Avenue. University officials hope this change will improve the cooperation, productivity and overall success of both Board members and the university by essentially “scaring them straight.” The reasons behind this decision have not yet been revealed to the public. However, students and faculty believe it may have something to do with the Board of Governors’ infatuation with statues. Board member Pete Parker spoke about his reasoning behind voting for the replacement of Folt with the spider statue. Parker is convinced that the Bourgeois spider will be more agreeable toward the Board of Governors than previous chancellors, particularly because it cannot speak. “Something that we believe in is the symbolic nature of statues,” Parker said. “Statues are firm in their beliefs and will not go back on their word, unlike previous chancellors. We kind of have a history of chancellors who do not listen to us. Now they have no choice but to listen to us, you know, because it’s a statue.” Folt, who has been serving since 2013, was deemed too conservative by the Board of Governors.
PLEASE STOP USING MY NAME FOR EVERYTHING MICHAEL JORDAN
SPODER continued page 2
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