Mr. and Ms. Wuf have romantic getaway, hundreds of wolf pups loose on campus

Hemily Miscreant

After an NC State Athletics intern accidentally left Mr. and Ms. Wuf in the same room overnight, hundreds of wolf pups have descended upon the Triangle and UNC-Chapel Hill’s campus. Orange County Animal Services has issued an emergency warning, advising all students to stay inside until the wolves are captured.

Dr. Pepper, a professor of animal science at UNC, said wolf litters typically consist of four to seven pups. Based on his observations, he said it appears Ms. Wuf gave birth to a litter of 416 pups, which is not only rare, but frightening.

“For an animal to produce that many offspring in one attempt — that’s almost inconceivable,” Pepper said. “The only explanation is that Mr. Wuf has unbelievably strong sperm, which should concern any rival school mascot looking to reproduce.”

Manny Trash, director of UNC Facilities Services, said he’s dispatching squads of janitors to address the frenzied cubs.

“It seems the wolves were born with an innate instinct to defecate on the Old Well,” Trash said. “We have 60 men with Nerf guns perched in trees above the Old Well, but we’re in the midst of developing a more effective method.”

UNC authorities have voiced their concerns regarding campus safety. General William “Willy” Nilly, the nation’s highest-ranking military official, was called immediately after the first wolf pup was spotted.

“We are enlisting the help of ROTC,” Nilly said. “Thank- fully, UNC has exactly 416 ROTC members, so we are sending one after each wolf. Hopefully, we shouldn’t lose too many soldiers.”

Several students are already missing, and a few have been spotted running on all fours after the wolf pups on campus.

“If the wolf pups want to take a few students to raise as their own, let them,” Nilly said. “I’ve spoken with Pentagon officials, and the Department of Defense is extremely interested in tagging these individuals for a longitudinal study to develop our military capabilities.”

Kirk Wiggler, a fourth-year studying aviation, said NC State will face consequences for this chaos.

“My dad works for God, and he said NC State is about to get smited,” Wiggler said.