Public schools are the new craze

Zippity Doo Da Zippity Day

Wonderful Feeling Wonderful Day

Every day, I wake up and smell the roses of our beautiful, resplendent campus. I look outside my stained-glass dorm window and I see shades of wonderful baby blue with no heinous reds or demon blues to haunt us. Here, I am free, here I am proud of my public Ivy.

When I was growing up, I attended Enloe, a local esteemed public school. It’s not that weird, there’s no shame in doing this, in fact, I’m so happy I continued to go public when I traded my green and gold for that angelic Carolina blue. My only other options were submitting myself to a pack of ravenous wolves or that school that rhymes with puke.

My public school life taught me strength and how to cope with not having the same access to resources as my private school buddies. For example, they always got to summer in Venice or Paris. I only got to summer in the Hamptons, where my grandparents own a ton of old houses that are so boring to stay at. They also bribed their way into school, whereas I just took the ACT 6,789,998,212 times and finally got a perfect score to submit — talk about great tutors!

It’s nice I won’t be swarming in debt by the time I get out of here — unlike Dook students, with their faux-Ivy academics and privatized prices. Not for me! I’ll take my good ol’ public school any day over that. I didn’t even try to get into Duke, actually.

Their loss — I would’ve offered so much to that school of dweebs.

Many students who hailed from public schools feel the same way. In fact, I’ve actually started a club for incoming free-range, public-schooled freshman who are die-hard pubbies. The club is coined Scholars Against Private Schools — SAPS, for short. The requirements to become a SAP is quite simple: you just have to have attended a public school and have lots of traumatizing stories about it.

Our newspaper tried to do a feature on us when we first started, but we just had so many members that it was too much work. As the founder and president, it’s hard to keep my young rams in check. SAPS also follows Nietzschean philosophies and discusses the ethics of private schools.

We have actually formed a petition to fully rid the UNC System of privatized universities, our petition currently has four signatures, so be sure to sign if you’re a true pubby.

I got to know a lot of interesting people during my public high school years — unfortunately for them, they ended up at the wretched NC State, and their raw talent will never be utilized there. Shame on their poor, tainted souls. They will all end in the ninth circle of Tarhell. Besides, it’s no secret that Duke and NC State students are practically begging to get in here. In the wise words of my favorite literary icon’s genius son:

“My friends are definitely jealous that I go to UNC,” Archibald Hemingway said.

Even the mascots at that wretched red school are jealous of my time at UNC’s prestigious campus. In fact, when I was wearing my uniform of head-to-toe Carolina gear to the long-awaited UNC vs. NC State football game, Mr. and Ms. Woof pulled me aside. They told me I had to move out of the way of where I was standing because I was so blindingly blue that the referees were confusing me for an athlete. I took this as a compliment since our team has our savior Drake Maye, a certified Heisman candidate and the best player of all time, who is a pubby himself.

So, the next time you’re thinking of talking down on public schools, think again of what we have to thank for them. We have Chapel Hill, which was handcrafted by the fingertips of God himself, and given to public schools, not private. This is not a coincidence at all, this was predestined.

Be proud of your pubby heritage and join SAPS today! Membership fees are not included with your tuition.