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Volume 34, Issue 420
February 24, 2022
Choke Artists No More
UNC FOOTBALL TEAM TAKES LIFE-SAFETY CLASS TO PREVENT MORE CHOKING E. E. UNC’s Daddy
After pulling off one of the worst choke jobs in sports history, the North Carolina Tar Holes football team is being required to take a life-safety class to prevent more choking. On Nov. 26, 2021, the Tar Holes held a nine-point lead with two minutes left against the NC State Wolfpack and had a 99.9% chance to win, but that’s when things fell apart as a rash of choking broke out from the entire team and the Wolfpack came back to win it 34-30, handing the Tar Holes one of the most humiliating losses in school history. Seeing this, the American Red Cross stepped in and is now forcing the entire team to take a life-safety class to prevent future incidents like this. Among the skills the team will be learning are the Heimlich maneuver, CPR; and basic first aid. The players seem to agree that the class is needed. “We choked the hell out of that game, so yeah we need it,” said quarterback Sam Howell. “It’s embarrassing and has tarnished the name of our school, and we should do anything to prevent something like that from ever happening again.” Last season, when asked about NC State, Howell infamously said, “We don’t care about them,” yet when he scored a touchdown in this year’s
WAYNE KERR/DAILY TAR HELL
He falls lmao.
game, he had the audacity to shush the crowd of the team he doesn’t care about. “We don’t care about him,” said an anonymous NC State fan about Howell. “He sucks.” Here’s how the choking sequence all went down: With 2:12 left in the game, the Tar Holes kicked a field goal to go up 30-21. When the field goal was made, some players for the Tar Holes started prematurely waving goodbye to NC State fans, which was not a
smart move. “They shouldn’t have done that,” said head coach Mack Brown. “It was foolish and irresponsible. I’m not going to allow such unsportsmanlike conduct from this prestigious institution, which has never cheated at anything and prioritizes academics, especially among athletes” On the ensuing drive, NC State quarterback Devin Leary threw a touchdown pass to receiver Emeka Emezie, which made the score 3028. In the play, Emezie cooked UNC
cornerback Tony Grimes, whose fivestar rating coming out of high school turned out to be worth absolutely nothing. “I’m straight up trash, bro,” Grimes said. After the touchdown, NC State went for an onside kick and got it as 5-foot-8 kicker Christopher Dunn proved to be a man amongst boys and recovered his own kick, giving the Wolfpack the ball back. “That little man scared the hell out of me,” said UNC cornerback Trey
Morrison, who had a clear shot to recover the kick. “I saw him coming and I panicked, so I jumped out of the way, and he got it.” With the ball back again, the Wolfpack took it down the field, and with 1:09 left, Leary threw another touchdown to Emezie, who mossed UNC defensive back Cam’Ron Kelly and effectively became UNC’s father, putting the Pack up 34-30. The Tar Holes had one last chance at the end, but the wildly overrated Howell threw an interception on the last play of the game to seal it for the Wolfpack. Another humiliating moment of the game came in the third quarter when NC State receiver Thayer Thomas scored a touchdown, then trolled the Tar Holes by mimicking the Air Jordan logo with his celebration. “That celebration was epic,” said Michael Jordan, who graduated from UNC (in case you somehow didn’t already know). “UNC should use him as the logo instead.” The Tar Holes are scheduled to enroll in the life-safety class in the spring after they complete other rigorous classes such as history of basket weaving, advanced basket weaving and underwater basket weaving, but most players plan on skipping the class just like every other class they’ve “taken,” yet will still earn an A.
Frats Protest Coke-Free UNC
GREEK LIFE OVERTHROWS STUDENT GOVERNMENT FOLLOWING DRUG BUSTS Mara Wonna Resident Stoner
After many hours of rioting, UNC fraternities have successfully overthrown the student government. A crowd of average looking white men in Vineyard Vines button downs and loafers could be seen terrorizing the student government building for the past week, and they finally succeeded in implementing Chad Brad Jones, a member of Kappa Sigma Ligma, as the new student body president. “I guess we were sick of the oppression of Greek life on campus,” Jones said. “Last year, three different frats were shut down for selling coke. UNC is not only oppressing us but our entrepreneurial spirits.” Douglas Shackelford, dean of the Kenan-Flagler Business School, said he had mixed feelings about the drug ring bust. “I mean, obviously I can’t condone 21 students being involved in
an elaborate drug ring,” Shackelford said. “But I do have to give them props for creating a successful business model. I will always be proud of students applying knowledge they gained in the classroom to the real world.” When asked why police did not intervene as the frat members rioted in the student government building, UNC Police Chief Wilbur Bacon said many officers turned a blind eye to the situation. “Many of the members of the frats have stickers on their cars that say, ‘Back the Carolina Blue,’ so we felt a real solidarity with them,” Bacon said. According to Jones, the new student government will be making a few changes on campus. UNC’s motto, previously “lux libertas” has been changed to “your mom,” and the Old Well now produces White Claw instead of water, in partnership with Sig Nu’s initiative. The student government build-
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Several UNC Greek life students fighting for their right to light a blunt.
ing now has a banner made from a bed sheet hanging out the front
WRAP BEFORE YOU TAP MIKE HUNT
windows, the front desk has been replaced with a pong table, and
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MOLLY TOKE/DAILY TAR HELL
members are currently working on a drive thru for their “pharmacy.”