Rol byD. Per ez/ / Founderandedi t or i nchi ef Aut umn K. Swi f t/ / Associ at eedi t or Cour t neyL. Rodwel l/ / Di r ect orofphot ogr aphy
Nei t herZI NEi sacol l ect i v eeor tand becomi ng mor et han j ustan onl i ne magazi ne. Wet endt ot akeonmanydi f f er entr ol es;ourcol l ect i v er ol esi ncl ude butar enotl i mi t edt o: Ar tDi r ect i onLayoutandPageDesi gnPhot ogr aphyandPhot oEdi t i ngPhot oshootCr eat i onandDi r ect i onWe wantt ot hank t he f ol l owi ng cont r i but or sandwehopet hi swontbet he l astt i met hei rnamesar eont hi sl i st . . . -I ssueTWO pt . ONE
I nf ant e, Dani el/ /Gener at i onY I ssueTWO pt . TWO
Av at ar aGar ci a/ /TheGi f t C. W. Aschbr enner/ /Pudst Cont r i but i ngPhot ogr apher s: J onSpi t zer/ / Tawni eSi l v a/ /
I neachi ssuewewi l l t r yt oexpl or e adi er entt heme.Act i ngasmor e ofagener algui del i ne,mai nl ybecausewehat er ul es, i ti sawayf or ust okeepacer t ai ncohesi v eness aswel laspushour sel v esandour cont r i but or st o pouras much of t hei rownper sonalexper i encei nt o eachi ssueaspossi bl e. Thi si ssuecamet oget herasaway t oexpr esst hef eel i ngofbei nguncomf or t abl e.Whet herout si de of ourownel ement , orj ustext r emel y uncomf or t abl e we' v e gat her ed; shor tst or i es, phot oedi t or i al s,i l l ust r at i ons, acomi candot herv ar i ouspr oj ect st odi pourf eeti nand pr esentt oyouf ort hi si ssue. Makesur et ocheckoutourwebsi t et okeepupwi t hi ssuesandour upcomi ngv i deoser i est hatwear e wor ki ngon.
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1 . Pr ogr ammedUt opi a. “ WakeupAr v i n! ”sai dmyf at her . Wehav et ol eav enowf ort hehospi t alt ozwar sul at eyourgr andmot her ’ scr emat i on.Shepassed t hi smor ni ng whi l esl eepi ng” . Sl eepposedasagl amor oust auntont opofaf ashi onedcl oakfit t i ngt hedei t ycr eat edf orasl umbersnat ch. “ Youraunti sal r eadyt her e” , hesai dcal ml y. Ifloat edo t hemat t r essbl ankandgul l i bl el i ket hechi l dr enf ol l owi ngPet er Panoutoft he wi ndow, andonmywayt onev er l anddeat h’ shar shr ol eseepedt hr oughmypor es wi t hpi r at ei nt ent . Whi l eIbat t l edr eal i t y, t hecr ueli l l usi onwasabsor bedwi t ht he f ai r ydust . St i l l i nahal l uci nat or yst at eIwokemybr ot her , andfil l edhi mi noncur r entev ent s. Wet henflewonl uci dt houghtt ot hecarwher eourf at herwai t ed. Wi t hanonchal antmannerr ul i ngov erhi m, hest ar t edt hev ehi cl e. Hi smot herceasedt obeofour f r equency. Wear r i v eatXent odi um WestHospi t al i nadaze. Ther i dewasonl yt hi r t ymi nut es i ndi st ance,butt i measyoumaycompr ehendi snott hei nt endedper cept i on.I hav ej ustawokenbef or eunf ami l i ardoor swi t hacal m ner v e. Anal i enconfidence wasi ncont r ol .I ’ m gl i di ngt hr oughawor l d’ sobst acl esl i ket heGodhead. Thecr eat i onofar ol easdemi ur gei sunknown. Maybeal ev el knownt oher , buti tr emai ns af al secomat ome. Iam mor easl eept hanshei sdead. Coer ce, consume, ki l lt he cr eat or , andr eal i zecr eat i on. Aswewal kedt hr ought hesl i di ngdoor samahoganygl owmani pul at edmyv i sual fil t er s. Iwoul dl i ket ol abeli tadepr essi on, butt hi sgr easyboxwasdi er ent . Iam hel dwi t hi nacageofgelt hati smyski n, andwonderhowper manentast ampon t hi sl i f ei s. Adr yheav eofnoi sev i br at esooft hi sgel , butdoesn’ tfitt hepuzzl e.
Ont hi sfir stdul l i ngfloorabr unet t eneenyaloccupi edt hef r ontdesk.Maybe agedt went ysi xyear s.Sheseemedemot i onal l yr i pe,butt henagai nyoucan nev erbet oosur et hesequens. Iwast r yi ngt osmi l eatherwhenwhatseemed t obeani nef ootgr i zzl ypr esenceofasecur i t yguar df or cedmyat t ent i ont oal l r eflect i ngi magesi nt het i l e. Hest oodont hel ef tsi deoft hebi sect edoct agon. Paci ngi ndi agonalpat t er nsImov edf or war dwal ki ngt owar dsanewr eal i t ywe al l wer enotwi l l i ngt of ace. Wej ustcamet ot er ms, sor tof , wi t hourcur r entsedat i onf orBor stsake! St epbyst epmyf earwor kedi t swayupmyneckhopi ngt or eacht hepol i shed floori nahur r i edmessoft heweakst omach. Ther ei snoi nt ent i onofsoundi ng cal l ow, butaccept i ngt hi sdeat hseemedl i keendur i ngapat hofgl assbar ef oot . Whi l eswal l owi ngt het empt i ngsi cknessIachi ev ecompl et ewi l lt owal kmi l es f ort hi sl oss. “ Dol i cePudst ” ,sai dmyf at hert ot hegor geousneenyalhol di ngt hel i stof nameswel comedt odeat hswai t i ngr oom, “ Dol i cewasmymot her , t hesear eher gr andchi l dr en. Iwasi nf or medt hatshepassedt hi sdawn” . Suchapr et t ybagof i ceonascr apedknee. “ Yourdest i nat i oni sont hef our t hfloor , si r s” , sai dt her ecept i oni st . Thebookkeeperatt hi sgat eofdepar t ur e. Anexi tf r om anypr eemot i onhel dt owar dt hi syoungl i f e. Weheadedt owar dt heel ev at orcongeal edi na massj el l y. Themenboar dedt heboxonl yt oascendi nt ohel l . Ast hefloor sbet weenl i tup t hei ndi cat orani nt er cept i onofhei nousi nt r usi ongr opedwi t hi ncesti nt enton mymor bi dt hought .Ist oodamongat i mel i neofunf ul fil l edgoal .A l egacyof t al entandunder st andi ngsabot agedf r om t heor i gi nalseed.Theget go,and hi st or i cali nt ent i onseet hedi nt omyspi ne. Weflow t hr oughj el l yv er t i cal l y.Wei gheddownbyacl oudofunfini shedcr i es f orhel p. Iobser v eahel lunf ami l i ar . Whati st hi shol eI ’ v est eppedi nt o?Ican’ t f akemycomf or tabi l i t ybet weenaf at herandhi ssonsaswel i f t . Thev oi cei nmy headdeepenst oat onesoempower edwi t hsl ow v i br at i on;i tpunct ur est he backsofi nt er cept i v eheads. Ir ecei v edaboutf ouri magessosev er emyocul ar cycl ef r oze, andt hegoddi sappear ed. “ Iam onl yflesht ot hi sgr aphofi l l usi on! ” Iscr eam i nmyowni nt er cept i v ehead.Li keadi sgust i nggameIam f or cedt o car r yt hehandofpi nchi ngfinger sf ocusedonmyf eat her s. Thecr azyf uckhas cr azyi nt entonpeel i ngawaymyi mage.
Thesi l v erdoor smov eapar tf r om at i ghtcl ose. Al mosthour sofhel dbr eat h. Sal i v a t ur nedt odustt hr oughoutmymout h. Ican’ tseest r ai ght , andIdealwi t hal esser bur dent hanmydeceasedgr andmot her . Wecol l ect i v el ymov ef or war dencount er i ngaseemi ngl yendl esshal l . Iaccompanyapar t yofshoegazi ngdr ones, mysel f obv i ousl yal obot omywal ki ngpr one. I nr out ewi t ht hi sconf usedpossesear chi ng f orav oi cel esst ombofescapi ngl i f e, wear eal lbl i ndatt hemoment . Thehospi t al hal l st r et chesi nt oahor i zont al abyss. I naswi ngi ngquant i zat i on, t hesl appi ngpat t er nsofourshoesr esonat ehybr i dgal l opsofsoundacr osst hecor r i dor . Oi nt hedi st anceoft hef or ev erst r et chi ngt ubeImadeoutafigur ewi t hdi scer n assur ance. I nwhatf el tl i kedayswefinal l yr eachedt heoddst r uct ur e. Thet r av el i ng t hr eest oppedmi dst epf r i ght enedoft r ut h.Ist oodbackqui ckl ywhi l et heshape spedbef or emynose. Thescentst ungl i keabowl ofwetmust ar dseedandr anci d f eeti nt hef or m ofst enchchur ni ngi t sownmi xt ur eatmyf ace.Gaggi ngonai rI f ear edagl i mpseofweakness. Li keacowar dIf ol l owedt hel i net osl aught er . Myf at her ’ sbackwasacanv asofdi r ect i onf oraduoal onet onegot i at easev er ancef r om t hezwar cl oast i anowner shi p.If ol l ow cur i ousl y,andaggr av at edt obe qui t ehonest . “ Whyt hef uckhast hi shappened?”Isay. “ Ti mehasi t sr easons” , r et or t sdad, “ wear ev essel sofi nfini t eboundar y, buthav eal i mi tson. Thi shappens t obet heconsi st entcaseofourst opwat chexi st ence. Thi swasherl i mi t . Herst op. ” Wer eachedt heendoft heel ongat edsor cer yonl yt ofindanoccupi edmet al t abl e. Ther eshewasman.Ri ghtf ucki ngt her e,andev ersol i f el ess.Wesatqui et ,and st r i ppedofouremot i onsduet osomehi ghl ycomf or t abl eseat s,asadi ssect i on wasaboutt ot akepl acebef or eus. “ Thi si sf orr ecycl i ngpur poses, andbyXant hi an codeyoumustwi t nesssuchev ent sasnat ur aldecomposi t i onofXunani t yaswe know i t ”wer et hewor dsofar edheadednur se.Ibecamei nf at uat edbyt het i me sher eachedt heendofhersent ence. Anabusedci r cl et hi sneenyalwas, soent i ci ngt hough. Icoul dn’ thel pbutbeat t r act edt oher . Thebaggyuni f or m dr apedov er heruncer t ai nbodykeptmeguessi ng. I ’ m conv i ncedherf r amemat chedmyxr ay i magi nat i on, butt henagai n, I ’ mj ustaboyav oi di ngt her eali ssue. Dol i cePudstl aysmot i onl essont hecol dsi l v er . Herbackconnect edbyf or ceext r act i ngt heexpi r at i onofherexi st ence. Isatst unnedbymysi ght , yeteasedi nt o t hedecei v i ngcushi onofmyr ecl i ner .Whati ssheencount er i ngnow?A cl oud abov eherf ami l yobser v i ngt hedi smember mentofherv essel , Iassume. Atl east , knowi ngIwi l lsoonacknowl edget hedefini t e, t hev i br at i onwi denedmyeyet oa l i ghtpur pl eobj ectdi st or t i ngt hecei l i ng. Al ar gefil ml i keheatwav edr essedt hef ami l i ari mage.Not hi nggr ew oft hi sphenomenon,buti tl i nger edabov et hehor r or mat er i al i zi ngont hemet alt abl e. Backont hi ssur f aceofexcav at i ont her edhead
st oodbesi det her i ghtar m ofDol i cePudst . Iam pul l edbackt oXant hbyt hesound ofapumpi ngmot or ,scr eami ngwi t haf astr ot at i ngchai n.A sur gi calbonesaw i nsi deabi kechai nr ol l i ngi t sel fangr i l yov ert her i gi dbl ade. Thedel i ci ousneenyal wasaboutt omaket hefir str emov al .Thet eet hoft het oolt or ei nt oadepr i v ed meat yt r i ckonl y,t omyamazement ,t ur ni ngoutt obeapor cel ai nshel l .I nwhat seemedl i kehour st her eddeat hpushedhersaw t hr oughahol l ow cer ami cl i mb. WhatI ’ v eal wayst houghtt obefleshi snot hi ngmor et hanaf encebui l tt ot hwar t pot ent i al . Iknownotwhet hert ov omi torr ewar dt hi shappeni ngwi t hf ul li nt ent , andappr eci at i on.Thesacr i fici alst r andsoft henur se’ scr i msonhai rt ower edov erawound t hatwasnotfleshanymor e. Sheexposednoi ndi cat i onofj oyt owar dsherdut y, but wasoddl yr el axed. Exhi bi t i ngt hebr ut al i t yofat ahg, onl yt hi sonei saneenyal . Sav agel y condi t i oned t or el ease t he Xulby “ Xant hi an Sev er ance” ,appr opr i at el y namedt or epr esentt hel aw onescel est i aladmi t t anceexi st sunder . Al lxant sobsessi v el ychant , “ Iam notbor n, Idonotdi e! ” Wesupposedl yt aket hi smot t ov er yser i ousl y,swal l owi ngi ti nt oashal l ow gut . Onl y, t hi si ngest edl yr i csi t scampamongt hel i ni ngofyourbel l yf oryear sbef or e passi ngt hr oughyourxi l st r em l i kegum.Or ,i tcoul dgetcaughti nyourt hr oat t aki ngonanot hersi mi l ar i t y.Theendl essmealr ef usest oent ercompl et el y.Not unt i li tt akesafiv eri nt heshadyspotj ustbehi ndyourt ongue.Aw shi t ,you’ v e mi ssedt hemeani ngoft hi sr emi nder , andhav emov edont oal i f ei nl i e. Asecondnur seappr oachedt het abl e. Abl ondeal sodr essedl oosel yi nheruni f or m. Shewor easur gi calmask, andhel dasi ckl ekni f e. Shest oodbyDol i ce’ sl ef t l eg,gr aspedt heshi nwi t hherl ef thand,andbeganhacki ngabov et hekneecap wi t ht her i ght .Thesoundofwetwoodcl appi ngwi t ht i l el ast sf ormaybefiv e whackswhenal loft hesuddent het ar get edfleshj ustshat t er scompl et i ngt he separ at i on. Thel i mbcol l ect i nggi ngerfloat sov ert ot hel ef tar ml i keawi ngedXenyul . Thesaw i scont i nuousl ybuzzi ngi next r emel yhi ghshr i eks.I ’ m sur eamomentofdr ead r ul edhert hought s, wher eshei si nnerconv er si ngt oher sel f“ ohXahg, whymustI cuti nt oanot her ?”whi l et henr eal i zi ngonl yt wofinal st epsar el ef ti nherdut y. She, env el opedi nnumbease,goesf ort hewr i stwi t hheri nst r ument .Dr oppi ngt he r i pperont ot heper f or at edl i newi t hadecentamountofwei ght ,shei sspl at t er ed wi t hwhatonewoul dt hi nkwassupposedt obebl ood.A whi t epai nt l i kesubst anceshotf r om t hecutnear l ycov er i ngherr i ghtf or ear m. Af t ert hewr i stwassepar at edbot hnur sespl acedt hei ri nst r ument sonasmal l ermet al t abl e. Ther edhead pi ckedupwhatseemedt obeapai roft weezer satl eastt eni nchesi nl engt h. As shewal kedt owar dst heheadofDol i cePudstIgawkedwi t hv i ol entpar anoi a.
Whatdoest hi scl amphav eanyt hi ngt odowi t hdeat handt he Xant hi ansev er ance? Shet ower edonceagai nov ert hesubj ect . Pl aci ngt henewt ooli nanacut eangl e att henasalopeni ng,shet ookt hr eedeepbr eat hs.Whatpr epar at i onshegoes t hr oughseei ngt hatshehasal r eadyl osthermi ndagr eei ngt ot akepar ti nt hi sl i ne ofwor k.Ihadn’ tnot i cedunt i lt hi smoment ,butt heenor moust weezer shav ea pal m si zecushi onedhandl eati t sbackend. Thenur sehel dt het ooli npl acewi t h herl ef thand,andr ai sedherr i ghtt ot heai rabov eherhead.Al lt hi ngsf r ozenby t hi smoment , apr ayerbr okef r om herl i ps. “ Pl easehol dyourpr ot ect i onov ert hi s neenyal ’ sxul l or dXahg. ”Shet ookhert hi r dbr eat handhel di ti n. Af t ercl osi ngher eyesshei mmedi at el ysl ammedherpal m agai nstt hewel comi ngcushi onoft he handl e. At auntl i keourseat s, butf r ontr ow. Thef or kedneedl esf or cef ul l yent er ed t hesubj ect ’ snoseai mi ngt openet r at et hesphenoi dbone. Onl yaquar t eroft hel engt hypunchpr ot r udedf r om t hecav i t y, andahi ssl eaked out . Thenur sepul l edt hehandl ebackl i keal ev er , andt hehi ssbecamedeeper . A bl uest eam begant or el easef r om eachwoundl i keageni e. Smokepour edoutof af ourwayhose. I begant or eal i zet hi swast heXant hi ansev er anceast hedemat er i al i zeddj i nnmov edupwar dt ot hepur pl egl azeont hecei l i ng. Dol i cePudst ’ sbody wasnowj ustacer ami camput eewhi l eherXulmi xedwi t ht hepor t al . Theent i t i es
i nt er t wi nedcr eat i ngabl ackhol et hatav oi ceflowedf r om i nv i si bl ewav es.The t onewassomewhatagoni zi ng, andhal l uci nat or y. If el tl i qui ddr i pf r om myear s.I nspect i ngt hesi vwi t ht ouch,If oundt hesame pai nt l i kesubst anceonmyfinger s. WhenIt r i edt obr i ngat t ent i ont ot hewhi t eoi l i tj ustdi sappear ed. Thescr eechi ngwor dsdescendedonal l ofus. “ Suchashame” , i tsai d, “ seei nt oyour sel v esanddet ach. ” Thewhol ehospi t albegant ov i br at e,andt hecei l i ngpeel edbackl i keacar t oon can. Aspot l i ghtf or medov ert heexpi r edXunanshel l r edi r ect i ngt heobser v anceof t heent i r ef our t hfloor .Dol i ce’ spodfloat edt hr eef eetabov et hedi ssect i ngbed t henexpl odedi nt oat r i l l i onshar dssmot her i ngt hegr ound. Agr aysmokecov er ed al lv i si onf oraf ewseconds, andt hendi ssi pat edoutt heopencei l i ng. Ther oof t op t henr ol l edbacki npl aceoncet hel astbi tofmi stwasv acuumedout . Il ookedt omybr ot herandf at her .Bot hhadwat er i ngeyes,andasedat edsmi l e gr af t edont hei rf aces. Looki ngt ot henur sesIst ooduponweakl egsaski ng“ what now?”Thebl ondedr i f t edt owar dsme, whi l et her edheadst ayedbehi ndmaki ng eyeswi t hmi ne. TheBar bi enur ser emov edhersur gi calmaskandsmi l edwi t ht he samesedat i ont hatsatnextt ome. Hersmi l er ev eal edagapi nhergr i n. Thewor ds squeezedt hr oughherdent al separ at i onwi t hbubbl yemot i on. “ Thankyouf orcooper at i nggent l emen” ,shesai d,“ youmayr et r i ev eyourr emembr ancephot oson t hemai nfloor . Hav eagr eatday! ”Shebacksupnev ert ur ni ngherat t ent i onf r om us. Mybr ot herandf at herr i seoutoft hei rseat sandmov et owar dt heel ev at orl i ke r obot s. I st andt er r i bl yconf used, anduncomf or t abl ewhi l et hebl ondeandr edhead st ar emedown. “ Youshoul dbel eav i ngnowAr v i n” , t her edheadeer i l ymumbl ed. Igotup, andmademywayt owar dst hewai t i ng“ peopl emov er ”wi t houtr emov i ng myeyecont actf r om t heneenyal s. Myspi nei schi l l edwi t hawhi skeybur nwhi l eI ent ert heel ev at or .Ibecomecont entwi t hknowi ngt her ei sanot hersi de,andwe ar eal l j ustdecor at i on. For t unat et ogr i pt hecl osi ngj ewel , andf ondl et hef ut ur eor nament . Whatspeaksi snotmor et hanaghost . Thebl ondesummonedaj ani t orwi t habr oom andhecamesweepi ngov er .He passedt heel ev at orast hedoor sbegant ocl ose. Hel ookeddi r ect l yatmewi t han exci t edgr i nandsai d, “ pr et t ybi zar r eshi t , r i ght ?”/ /