Mothers & Their Children

BY STEVEN CHAN

Routinely, this column is reserved for issues regarding romantic relationships between couples, but with the arrival of Mother’s Day, we look at a different relationship dynamic.

Changes in child rearing and expectations of offspring have transformed the family unit— unfortunately, not for the better.

When baby boomers decided to become ‘friends’ with their children rather than toe the line and be parents, they devised various methods to overcompensate for their kid’s human frailty, lack of ambition, and disrespectful natures. In return, millennials have become resentful.

Such observations don’t condemn everyone, but many members of each generation call the other “the problem.”

Frequently referred to as selfish, entitled, and irresponsible by the media, there are indications millennials have passed on traits and behaviors to their children, causing further distrust of previous generations.

Baby boomers have inherited the term ‘toxic’ given by those unwilling to take personal responsibility for misunderstanding how difficult it is to be a parent.

These words may seem harsh to some, but speaking to a small sample, we found frustration and sadness; their comments included, “Is this what I deserve after giving my children everything?” And, “My children seem to be acting half their age; I don’t understand why?”

When meeting a family composed of three generations, post-war, boomers, and millennials, for dinner, watching a holiday meal turn into a discussion of responsibility or lack thereof was interesting.

The event began with one sibling refusing to attend the holiday meal— although invited, there was a feud over the issue of paying rent for the use of their mom’s home for personal and business purposes.

The struggling mother, who cooks, cleans, and pays the mortgage through her meager salary, asked her son to pay below-market-rate rent, albeit an increase from what he previously contributed. She explained that he became infuriated, reverted to personal attacks, and attempted to hold her financially hostage when the fee went up.

Interestingly, his contemporaries (his cousins) who came to dinner, live under their parent’s roof for free and have less financial responsibility.

During the evening, the millennials contested rhetoric reverted to blaming the ‘boomers,’ as they call them, for global unrest and associated problems in this country. The conversation caused parents to shake their heads in disbelief; they expressed the desire to lift their children up but commented they get no assistance.

Interestingly, an old and expired term was used by an adult child at the meal— it was shocking; “We’re faking it till we make it.” Surprisingly, it remains the battle cry for privileged ‘kids’ complaining about being oppressed but believing they are entitled to a comfortable station in life.

A generation of non-parenting has delivered undesired and unexpected results. It became evident while listening to conversations between millennials and their parents, 20–25 years older. It was as if the generations were speaking different languages.

Quite confusing was when personal views about the benefits of socialism were tied to less competition enabling success, while simultaneously explaining the importance of climbing the corporate ladder so they might live better than their parents.

If you find this convoluted—as I did, you might wonder how a desire to become independently successful dovetails with political and economic theory regulated and controlled by pluralistic ideology.

The parents of the new generation are unacceptably painted with the sins of the world. Colonization, slavery, recessions, inflation, student loans, the cost of education, and even the privileged lifestyles they’ve enjoyed are used as ammunition to attack the ones they are supposed to love.

Heaven forbid they are told of the challenges their grandparents faced; multiple wars, the Great Depression, and economic hardship. These factual accounts are quickly reversed and used to blame the victims—it was their doing.

Parents are generally exhausted from the continued battering and feelings of being used financially. In one case, a loving parent explained she was at her wit’s end. “It’s either me or him [the son]; I am not going to lose the little I have because he is acting like a child and refuses to be responsible. He could work and make plenty of money. He chooses to live for pennies while I fight to survive.”

As an advice column, it’s challenging to find a starting point for a discussion between the different age groups; many of the arguments are deep-seated and may never change.

There is also the issue of self-blame; parents voice remorse that while believing they did what they thought was best, all efforts seemed to have backfired, and it’s their fault for raising flawed children.

Hopefully, time will tenderize hurt feelings, and maturity will aid in understanding differences. But, in the meantime, some families are deciding to evoke “tough love” practices; and, as our single parent explained with a tone of frustration, “It’s time for my son to grow up!” H