L I B E R A T I O N -Jaszi

1 the act of setting someone free from imprisonment, slave or oppression; release

2 freedom from limits on thought or behavior

Dear liberated reader,

Liberating Our Existence

This Summer was a huge transition period for me I matured a great deal and had a w end of the Spring 2023, I found my older brother, Senica, dead in his apartment from a he had been dead for 2 days My family was left completely devastated At the tim engaging in risky behaviors and spending time around toxic influences but we did not this coming, his death happened all of a sudden and we didn’t know much about h that he was dating a girl that he was constantly in conflict with. My family was left wit and wondering thoughts, but the bottom line was that he was physically gone and drugs he took came from

In the weeks that followed, I discovered that my brother was spiraling out of control for about a year and had been leading an unhealthy lifestyle in many ways He was dealing with getting laid off from work, a horrible drug addiction, depression, financial issues, malnutrition/ rapidly losing weight, severe asthmatic episodes, an eviction from housing court, etc He was lying to us about all of it At first, I was oblivious to some of the red flags of these issues because he was always such a sensible, intelligent, independent and private person He was an amazing, loving father to his son and had always been a responsible adult; so I just assumed if he was in funk, he’d eventually figure it out and be OK– But just as I started to realize that what he was going through was more than just “a funk” and just as my family began to discuss the possibility of having an “intervention” for him, he died Just like that!

I would like to note, there is a huge difference between drug use and drug abuse; some substances can be done recreationally, others can be medicinally, or maybe even in experimenting But it can all be dangerous, especially with fentanyl becoming so popular with street drugs and overdose deaths in recent years I also want to note that the power of drug addiction doesn't discriminate against anyone: it doesn't matter what your age, race, gender, ethnicity, financial income, sexuality, or education level is. Drug addiction doesn’t only affect the person using the substance but it (in retrospect) also affects all the people that care about that person as well It’s not true that “only bad people get addicted to drugs” – it’s possible for anyone to obtain a drug addiction– good, respectable, admirable people included Most of the time the individual that is acquiring the addiction isn’t fully aware of the severity of them becoming addicted, especially if no one in their family or in their support system is aware of what that individual is doing Some consider drug addiction to be a disease or illness that needs to be treated; Others look at it as a habitual choice that can be reversed and stopped if one really wants to stop I don’t know what I think about that, but what I do know is that there is professional help out there in NYS for people suffering from bad drug addictions (ie: harm reduction services, 12 stepprograms, support groups, rehabilitation centers, Wellness programs, etc)

Immediately after his passing, I had been assigned to take the lead on cleaning out Senica’s cluttered, junky apartment before the month of June was over and we had to return keys to the landlord I was the one that had to make sure it got done in a timely manner if there was anything of his I wanted to keep or else it was all going to the garbage. I didn’t ask for help because I thought clearing out his apartment alone was my only chance to investigate what was going on in his life I was also embarrassed to ask for help because of Senica's living conditions There was mess and clutter everywhere Challenged with the tasks of having to clear out heavy sets of furniture, junk in boxes, loads of garbage and a bunch of other things– I thought to myself about how shitty I’d been feeling physically and I thought about the process of grief and how that contributed to how I was feeling physically I felt tired, weak, achy, emotional, heavy and unmotivated all the time but yet I knew this had to be done

Even though I was dealing with a lot of pain inside, the world was not going to stop moving and I was not going to be excused from the course of my actions– No matter what happens in life, the world will keep on spinning and if you’re not careful with time, it’ll leave you behind I still had to continue living, working, sleeping, eatting, walking my dogs, etc. Turning my pain into purpose wasn’t going to be easy but at the time I figured that the best way of utilizing my built up anger was to somehow channel that energy into physical strength and clear through everything in that hoarder's apartment

As the weeks went on and I cleared out his apt, I very quickly realized how out of shape I was I would do something as simple as washing the bathtub, then I would be easily exhausted In my daily life, I lacked the motivation to exercise regularly and didn’t even consider stretching my body before beginning any of the physical activities in his apartment Day after day I was physically pushing myself to the limit in order to get as much activity done as I could but I was going about it all wrong I wasn’t taking care of myself, I was not sleeping well or eating well and it was affecting every aspect of my life

I was jeopardizing my well-being, not just my body but my mental and emotional health too As my mind kept filling up with compulsive, obsessive thoughts of grief, loss and regret, I desperately had to redirect my thinking. I didn’t want any of my poor coping mechanisms to become self-sabotage. So as I began to honestly reflect on my own behaviors around health, habits and my lifestyle choices I began repeating to myself: “Turn your pain into purpose so that some kind of goodness comes from all this sorrow”

Just because I looked like I was in shape, didn’t mean I was in good health or practicing the healthiest habits I had a rude awakening in June when I unconsciously passed out in his apartment in the early daytime and woke up at midnight when it was dark. I cried myself back to sleep after that and just felt like I was killing myself I felt guilty and at fault and I was somehow punishing myself I didn’t know what else to do I was so hurt from losing him and felt like there was something I could’ve done to prevent this

I don’t know if there was but what I did know was that there was something I could do from that moment forward and that was to take better care of myself. Live for Senica and do all that I can do in life because he no longer can I had to live on if not for myself for him, I still had a chance at living As kids, we would talk about traveling the world as explorers, and I now needed to fulfill that dream for the both of us But first, I needed to improve all aspects when it came to practicing appropriate fitness, health & wellness, and self-discipline As it turns out, this entire process of clearing out Senica’s apt in the after-math of his death, was also a huge reality check for me to assess where my own life was leading and how I was contributing to my own quality of health Working out wasn’t only to get stronger or maintain my weight, it was also to keep my sanity and to digest my emotions better and regulate my process of digestion in general because if I didn’t then I would have stayed constipated with all that heavy baggage from life’s hardships And that’s no way to live, people ought to learn how to shit all that stuff out I am already HIV positive and have been for more than 15 years I especially needed to make sure I was properly taking my medication, keeping up with my appointments, and supportively checking in with my other siblings and family members, especially my parents who have their own sets of health issues at their age We have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of anyone else… Or we can put ourselves first while also being caring in general with everything/everyone we care about

The fact that my brother was no longer alive or being able to do better for himself was a reality check for me to learn better habitual ways of being The thought of my nephew being robbed of his father/ best-friend and my father having to bury his son was fuel for me to start practicing many healthier habits daily. I started with my nutrition and making better choices while shopping at the supermarket: learning what foods increased my energy and what foods were high in proteins or high in fiber I traded in the cakes and cookies for more fruits and vegetables I drank a lot more water to stay hydrated over the Summer too I started journaling so that the negative thoughts and feelings of sadness would exit my mind and live on the paper instead of running on my train of thought It required one conscious, purposeful choice after another, I considered who I wanted to be and how I wanted to feel I was reminded that I can control my reactions to life or allow my how i reacted to life to control me. I had to keep in mind that I needed to trust the process and not overwhelm myself to the point of depression or self destruction If I was going to exist in this world I needed to liberate myself from what was holding me back, keeping me small, and getting in my way of successfully growing and excelling in life It was all up to me at the end of the day I had to Believe it was possible and it is

I am grateful for my job as the Community Health & Outreach Coordinator at The New Pride Agenda because it has kept me productively busy this entire year and that’s been good for me I was even able to create an event in June to bring awareness to Substance Use in our Communities and get folks trained in how to use Narcan ( also known as Naloxone, which is a medicine that rapidly reverses an opioid overdose) so that they can possibly save a life one day Personally, I have pushed away from certain people, places and things because I knew that part of my liberation was to free myself from the toxicities in my life. It hasn’t been easy and I’m still working on myself but I can say that over the summer I’ve transformed I have a gym membership now at planet fitness and I go after work with my coworker Jocelyn My exploration around nutrition and dieting has been fun, I’m trying vegan foods and cooking for myself more regularly instead of eating fast foods I’m looking into therapy options and continuing my journaling because it’s working for me to improve my mental health Senica’s son, Xavier and I video call each other a lot more often now We’re growing a closer bond nowadays This summer, Xavier’s baby mother V gave birth to their 3rd child. They live in North Carolina but I’ve been trying to convince them to return to NY I have to choose to improve everyday and do something each day to contribute to that commitment I made to myself It’s hard losing those that we love and care for but we must keep in mind that there is always a reason to keep on going and strive to live our best lives; be the best version of ourselves I don’t have all the answers but I know that my body has been feeling so much better and I must learn to listen to my body when it tells me certain things What we know is more important than what we feel and We can not primarily lead with our emotions because we will lose overtime. Knowledge is power and I’m learning about myself every day. I still have demons I am facing but I know I am facing them and not denying them I believe in the future I will thank myself for not letting myself go I pray that Senica is guiding me and protecting my path in life but I must empower myself and my people to guide and protect themselves Sometimes from themselves when self sabotage is creeping nearby I aspire to get physically fit and be sporting my little speedo next summer so I’ve got more work to do I aspire to make these new changes my new habitual ways of being but it requires practice and being consistent. I’m a work in progress but this summer I was liberated from falling into a dark place and was fortunate enough to know that it was worth it to do so I have a new bedtime now and it’s almost that time right now, so until next time reader Practice turning your pains into purpose and prioritize taking care of yourself and each other