The perfect dinner guest

Barbara Relph

You’re a barrister, you must be a sought after dinner party guest! All those client stories, such interesting tales of how you worked your magic to negotiate a deal or cross-examine a witness. Err, no. That will no doubt be interesting to colleagues, but possibly less interesting to their better halves or the hapless guest with no connection to the law who found themselves sitting next to you at dinner.

That’s not to say law is boring – far from it – but there are generally ways to convert that legal anecdote into a better work story. It will take practice and a bit of retraining to refine that particular social skill, but it can be done, and you will be rewarded for it with more dinner invitations.

You may be surprised to know that most people have little or no contact with the legal profession in their day to day lives, and if they do it is under traumatic circumstances such as a relationship separation or a death, or something routine like a new will or a property purchase. The law appears to these lay people shrouded in mystery and as such is intensely interesting, particularly when ethical or moral issues are at stake.

It is worth considering why the wider population is not informed on the law. Anthony Cheshire SC, member of the NSW bar, describes working in small town legal practices where the lawyers were a part of the community, and people from all sectors of society had access to the local lawyers in their daily lives.1 In larger centres, he states this is not generally the case. He describes a culture of friend groups based on schooling and lawyers mixing with lawyers with most lawyers coming from privileged backgrounds and private school educations. This may or may not be the case in New Zealand but would certainly make an interesting case study.

In New Zealand where legal studies have not historically been part of the school curriculum, the knowledge gap is

potentially wider than it should be. While no one wants to be educated over dinner, it is helpful to engage with lay people on legal matters and they will be more engaged if they can relate to the issue personally. Everyone is affected by the law in every area of life. Taxation. Superannuation. Road rules. Consumer rights. Privacy. Relationships. Employment.

Like most things, a little planning goes a very long way. It’s an unusual dinner party where there is no menu planning, so it follows that conversation topics should receive at least some prior consideration. Swiss born British author and philosopher Alain de Botton suggests in The Art of Conversation that a planned conversation often leads to a more interesting flow and ultimately a more memorable evening.

In a BBC podcast, 2 de Botton states the focus of most gatherings is the food and table setting, not what the gathering is actually about, which is always social – conversation. Unlike food preparation, it is a commonly held belief that we are born knowing how to talk to other people, and that skill is innate. Quite the opposite is true, and conversation takes practice and experience.

Rather than stumbling over good conversations, we should learn how to create them. Displaying our strengths is a way to overcome feelings of inadequacy but is ultimately (dare I say it) boring to others. What is interesting is sharing vulnerabilities or interests. People are more sympathetic and engaged when they hear about what scares or excites you. De Botton goes on to explain that liberation comes through manners which are, in essence, artificial ways of behaving. While it may seem pretentious, this artificiality actually promotes more interesting conversation.

Thinking ahead to stimulate conversation is not a new idea. The first recorded instance was Plato’s choreographed philosophical debate on the nature of love; in the 18th century, prominent women in Paris, reacting to the idle chatter at Versailles, hosted salons to provide an opportunity to share views and opinions on topical issues.

Clearly not all topics are suitable for dinner party discussion. Think broader than your health, your investment portfolio, or how you became so successful. If the person you are chatting to appears to find this interesting, check their body language. These topics are probably only interesting to you.

If you want to talk law, think about your audience and what might be of interest to them. Most topical would be artificial intelligence – is this dumbing down our youth, or is it a useful tool? Obviously those whining farmers in terms of climate change and environmental law. Discrimination and human rights in the workplace and access to justice. Legalisation of marijuana. Transgender athletes. You don’t need to be the expert in this conversation, but you are likely to have an informed perspective.

If you are fortunate enough to be a criminal barrister, you may have the attention of every non-lawyer in the room, all keen to know how you can, in all good conscience, defend someone you know is guilty. Crime is always a hot topic, and the general public (your fellow dinner guests) are surprisingly ill informed. Ask fellow guests about their jury duty experiences and be amazed. Even if you are not a criminal barrister, you will be well ahead of that other guest.

Lawyers are commonly perceived as being articulate and quick thinkers, but it’s not always the case. Strategic thinking and critical analysis are far more common legal skills. Here are a few general tips to improve dinner party conversation skills:

• Simplify your ideas before you start – only share what matters to the story.

• Assume you don’t know what the other person is talking about, ask questions, be curious, then demonstrate that you understand.

• Get in the right head space – be excited to be meeting new people and find out about them. Your enthusiasm will be infectious, and the conversation will go better because of it.

• Demonstrate in your conversations that you are not a one trick pony. Pop in snippets of other aspects of your life and interests, leaving the guest wanting to know more.

• Inject humour and develop your sense of timing. You don’t need to tell jokes, just cause a little laugh. These are good social skills and people do like to laugh.

• If you have a good story you want to tell over dinner, think about how it will come across to the specific audience – you could even make it pithier and more interesting by practicing it ahead of the event.

REFERENCES

1 Journal of the NSW Bar Association, https://bn.nswbar.asn.au/article/the-art-of-conversation-for-barristers 2https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/b012ftsk

* Barbara Relph is a freelance writer and proof-reader - www.barbararelph.com