7 minute read
Short & Small News
from N.13 / V.55
Small Town Short News
Jared Ipsen (He/Him)
Welcome back to another edition of Small Town Short News, where I wade through local newspapers and blogs - past the anti-vax rhetoric, reports on the Morrinsville Bowls team, and ads for various items to insert in to cows, all to bring you the weirdest and wildest stories from our estranged cousins from down the road. Chur!
For those who remember our coverage of the inaugural Tree of the Year Aotearoa competition a few weeks back, it may shock you to hear that the
Kāwhia pōhutukawa that took out the top prize wasn’t actually the right
pōhutukawa at all - just a similar looking one a few hundred metres down the beach. Believing they were voting for Tangi Te Korowhiti, the tree the Tainui waka was moored to after it first arrived in New Zealand, punters were actually clicking on an image of Te Papa o Karewa, another significant tree and, as it turns out, the actual tree that the Tainui waka was tied up to. The local iwi weren’t too concerned about the mix up, telling Stuff that ‘either tree would have been a deserving winner.’ The competition’s organisers said ‘we don’t go out and look at every tree and every story,’ but after this, maybe they probably should?
A few weeks ago, 10,000 homes across Ōtorohanga, Waitomo and Te Kuiti
faced a cold, dark night after a bird flew in to equipment at the nearby
Hangatiki power station. Believed to be a wading bird - perhaps an errant dotterel, or a waylaid godwit - the winged creature’s motivations for its final flight are unclear, but at Nexus we believe that the rising cost of living and climate change are to blame. Transpower have since installed preventative measures, such as insulator shields and ‘bird deterrents,’ which is actually just some dude from Transpower standing in front of the power station and waving their arms up and down. If you live around The Base, you may have noticed an escaped herd of cattle roaming the streets recently.
The gang of six was intercepted by Council near Wintec’s Rotokauri Campus, but their identity and origin remains a mystery, as they had no identification tags on them and lacked the vocal capabilities to speak a language. After being captured, the bovine beasts were transferred to Council’s stock pound in hopes their owner would come and claim them. If you’re missing half a dozen cows, or think you could convince the Hamilton City Council that the cows are yours, they’re probably still in the pound, or maybe they’re dead. They’re probably dead.
as rising sea levels see our country slowly sinking back into the ocean. As weather events such as storms become more extreme due to climate change, a recent bout of heavy rain saw three metres of sand erode from the shores of Sunset Beach. This recent loss of land follows another major weather event in 2019 in the area that led to the demolition of three more buildings, including the local surf life-saving club. Local residents lamented the local council’s inability to prevent billions of litres of sea water from moving further inland, and their failures in preventing extreme, random weather events affecting their properties built on sand.
A few more houses in Port Waikato have been deemed ‘uninhabitable’
“Expressway: 1, Lexus: -1 shiny mag”
Drivers faced hefty repair costs as they hit a massive pothole just south of Hampton Downs on Waikato Expressway.
“Nasty rotten annoying orange can speak again”
Donald Trump is up in arms as he fires back against Elon Musk’s comments on Trump’s age and ability to run for the next US elections, with a professional "Lmaooo".
“Not to be gay, but stars are heaps pretty”
The first full-colour, high-resolution pictures from the James Webb Space Telescope, show billions of years of cosmic evolution.
“An eye for an eye, an arm for a capsicum”
The latest Stats NZ figures show the cost of food is 6.6 percent higher in June compared to the same time last year with veges being the highest growth.
Mark Robinson walked media through New Zealand Rugby’s strategic plan, shadowing an already existing plan in place.
Westlake Boys High faces scrutiny as teachers were seen hiding in the bathroom in an attempt to catch vapists in the act.
Pain for Fame
Oliver Dunn
What would you do to become world famous? What exchange would you make? Time, money, privacy, dignity, relationships, sanity, pain? That last one might seem a tad niche, until you consider most professional sports. Granted, athletes are less likely motivated by fame, but the exchange is undeniable when you look at injury rates across sports. There’s some major pain happening for some major fame.
So let’s say you were in the market for some fame and fortune, and let’s say you’re as tough as nails (and share their ability to sustain blunt force trauma). What sport is going to be your best value on the worldwide pain exchange?
D TIER: ON HOLD WITH ACC
BASKETBALL | NETBALL | FOOTBALL | GYMNASTICS | SKATEBOARDING
Most sports that feature in D Tier, while boasting high injury rates, are still super popular. Basketball for example crushes it in terms of raw numbers, with half a million kids landing funny each year in the States. But good luck to any of them under 7 foot actually making the NBA. And while you’re at it, kiss goodbye to your ACL if you’re trying to make the Silver Ferns or All Whites. Even previously niche sports like skateboarding will break your ankle before getting you a sponsorship. While pain here is abundant, it’s not awfully horrible, so most of this is really just for that gooey ‘for the love of the game’ nonsense.
C TIER: Concussion & The Crowd Goes Wild
RUGBY | NFL | GYM | BIG WAVE SURFING
Around about 1 in 4 rugby players get injured during a season, a cool 25% of the roster on ice. The NFL thinks they’re slick wearing helmets but then fly head first into each other as if their spines don’t exist. A couple of sports in C Tier cull their numbers based on how gnarly the contact is, bumping the likelihood of fame. But even if you made provincial rugby, the trade-off of free drinks at House for brain damage is super rough. Gym is an interesting one with how accessible we can make ourselves on Instagram and TikTok. You could find internet fame, but putting your body through the ringer and putting yourself out there is the perfect combination for a burnout.
B TIER: Sneaky Sore
CYCLING | ROCK CLIMBING
Rock Climbing is breathtakingly dangerous the moment you leave Extreme Edge. The danger level increases exponentially when you try to become famous with it, scaling the hardest climbs in the world or in some cases, kissing goodbye to your harness. Cycling might seem out of place this high up in the rankings, but given its pay scale at the top level and its injury rate, it’s a great pay-out on the fortune side of things if you don’t mind skidding across pavement.
A TIER: Premium Life Insurance
BOXING | MMA | MOTOR RACING
Here we are in A Tier, a place for sports that are just straight up super sketchy. Where we trade in sprained ankles for snapped limbs, and black eyes for eyeballs hanging out the socket. This is where we test to see if you truly are as ‘hard as nails.’ Boxing and MMA are both hard as piss and completely unforgiving. Boxing in particular is heavy on the head injuries and long-term brain damage, but it’s still an Olympic sport and the money is positively stupid at the top. Motor Racing is also lucrative if your championship has a Netflix deal and you don’t mind driving at an average speed of 260kph.
