Whelmed 34 Cooked

It’s hard to write about mental health when your own mental health is struggling a bit. I’m okay, coming out of a rough patch, but it still takes a while to get the brain going. You also get paranoid about how much to share or how much to say. Will it be TMI if I say this? Will people judge me if I say that? I’ve had a lot of stress lately, and that coupled with struggling to get a prescription filled, meant that my brain went into overdrive again. I froze. I shut down. The fate of the universe suddenly rested on this small decision. My world was ending. My brain started screaming at me due to my dependence on this prescribed drug that I no longer had for a short period of time, a drug that is helping me.

I lay on the couch while my brain was spinning. I had a couple of drunken social events, which were fun but when the night ends and you’re lying on the couch trying to sleep things get really lonely. You start thinking maybe you’d incorporate that into your next column. But you resist. Luckily, I have a lot of amazing people in my life who encourage and support me. These people are amazed I do the things I do and yet seem to have it all together. But I don’t always. I’m trying to figure things out and do whatever I can to get those flashbulbs of happiness in amongst, what at times, seems like a daily struggle. Those connections that matter, those calming voices in the dark when the faces come out at you.

During this rough period where I didn’t have the meds, I had a couple of panic attacks. The walls close in, you think your heart is going to rupture, and you sit on the floor. On one occasion I was lucky it happened in bed, so that my emotional support cat could put her head on my arm. The sensation interrupted the panic.

Presley is good like that. Sadly, the other time was in the bathroom and she wasn’t there. I just had to wait for it to pass so I could get up, exhausted, and carry on. The first rule for me is to get back up. Like a damn Chumbawamba song.

And then you feel guilty. Why did I just panic? Nothing triggered it, just all of a sudden, the walls closed in. No triggers, no thoughts, no flow chart of events. Just terror and physical symptoms. You wonder what the hell is going to happen – short term or long term. Am I going to have a heart attack, or will I one day achieve whatever long-term goals I have? Shit, I don’t have any. People with a 5 year plan are successful aren’t they?

This whole column is my brain . There’s no such thing as TMI if you’re struggling.

PASS THE AUX

BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES

Jak Rāta

DOJA CAT

05. Dry - Rancid Eddie

06. Woman - Doja Cat

07. Running up that Hill - Kate Bush

08. Master of Puppets - Metallica

JAZMINE SULLIVAN SPACEY JANE

01. Booster Seat - Spacey Jane

02. CYBAH - SYD

03. Careless Whisper - Tiana Major9

04. How - Ella Mai

METALLICA

09. We Cry Together - Kendrick Lamar & Taylour

10. Sandcastles - Beyonce

11. Booster Seat - Spacey Jane

12. Girl Like Me - Jazmine Sullivan (feat. H.E.R.)

On a sunny Sunday morning in 1864, Captain Gustavus Ferdinand von Tempsky, accompanied by the Forest Rangers No. 2 Company, arrived at the small settlement of Rangiaowhia, just outside of modern day Te Awamutu. Von Tempsky’s ‘blood was up’ - in the midst of the Waikato Wars, emboldened by their battle a week prior at Mangapiko River which saw around 40 Māori killed, and jealous of reports that the No. 1 Company had slaughtered seven Māori in prayer a few months earlier at Paparata, his troops pushed down in to the valley behind St John’s Anglican church. In the small village, they were met with a group of non-combatant women, children, and elderly men, taking shelter from the onslaught of British troops through their ancestral lands. Just a week earlier, the Bishop of New Zealand pleaded with the Crown to make sure those who sought safety and refuge at Rangiaowhia “were left unmolested.” Instead, early on the morning of the sabbath, the No. 2 Company rushed the quiet village. Some estimates say that more than 100 defenceless men, women and children were mercilessly slaughtered. It is said that an elderly man held a white blanket above his head and begged for mercy in the front door of a burning whare before being shot at point blank range, the fire inside killing the young boy and his whānau.

The battle at Rangiaowhia is still believed to be the most horrific war crime taken against Māori in Aotearoa, with historians redesignating the Forest Rangers’ actions from an ‘act of war’ to plain, cold blooded murder. But this historical revision came long after when, in September 1906, the Hamilton Borough Council decided to honour ‘the hero of the Waikato War,’ Captain Gustavus Ferdinand von Tempsky, with a street sign on a small road running parallel to the Waikato River.

On an overcast morning, 158 long years later - after 1.2 million hectares of Māori land was confiscated as a direct result of the Waikato Wars - the Hamilton City Council sat in their wood-panelled chambers, ready to take their final vote to rename the contentious street. While the majority of Council members were in support of the change, with Councillor Angela O'Leary calling the late Captain a ‘bastard of a human being,‘ others were cautious, unconvinced.

Councillor Ewan Wilson expressed that ‘cancelling’ Von Tempsky Street was ‘too divisive,’ while Councillor Geoff Taylor noted he was ‘frankly tired’ of people talking about white supremacy and privilege, and we should all just ‘move on.’ And all the while, tangata whenua sat in the corner of Council Chambers, listening to Kirikiriroa’s elected representatives tell them how they should feel about their own history.

Also in the corner of the room sat local pharmacist Ian McMichael, who believed that his work over the past two years on the name change application had met the requirements under Hamilton City Councils’ Naming of Roads, Open Spaces and Council Facilities Policy - namely, that over 90% of the property owners agreed with the proposed change, there were issues of cultural sensitivity, and there was a demonstrated community desire. Much like those present in the room, there were a few on Von Tempsky Street that didn’t approve of the name change - but Ian’s application, litigiously filled out as only a pharmacist could, was sound.

And in that application now sitting on the desks of the elected Council members, before the pages of scribbled signatures from over 90% of the residents of Von Tempsky Street, before Dr Vincent O’Malley’s Historical Report on Hamilton Street and City Names, and addressed to Whom It May Concern, Ian wrote:

‘The time when these roads were named was a time of colonisation. The colonisation culture was about individualism, autocracy, humanity against nature, patriarchy, intercultural and inter religious intolerance, conflict resolution through confrontation, reliance on defence.’

But Ian, along with a growing percentage of KirikiriroaHamilton’s population, believed that times had changed. And so too did a majority of Council - after two years of completing and submitting documents, the elected members of Hamilton City Council voted 10-3 to change the name of Von Tempsky Street.

82 years after the brutal attack on Rangiowhia, a fine arts student named Zelda A. Paul was paid £10 for her diazo blueprint with gilt and watercolour that then became the Hamilton City Council Coat of Arms. It was only a year earlier that the newly renamed Hamilton had officially become a city, and a census a decade prior found that less than 200 Māori remained in the area following Von Tempsky’s campaign throughout the Waikato. Atop the newly adopted crest sat a crown, said to represent Hamilton's beginnings as a military post during the time of Rangiaowhia. And to this day, a version of the crest sits in the Council chambers, directly above the Mayor’s seat.

But, if a local pharmacist was able to change the name of a street - why can’t a former Miss New Zealand finalist change Hamilton’s emblem?

“This is a spiritual calling,” says Jahvaya Wheki, organiser of the petition to change Hamilton’s emblem, “I feel called to do this. This isn’t something I feel that Jahvaya would usually care about.”

After spending time volunteering at the Waiwhakareke Heritage Park at Hamilton’s northernmost boundary, Jahvaya Wheki began to grieve the area’s changing landscape – bulldozers, trucks, and workers ready to turn the surrounding farmland into a new subdivision. After giving a personal farewell to the whenua, a truck knocked down a power pole, trapping her in, and she felt a calling to fight for the land.

“All of a sudden I became activated,” she said. “And that’s when I went into Council and came across the Hamilton City crest that was hanging in the foyer there. And because of my own journey, I started to see the disconnection in the emblem instantly, almost instantly. I asked one of the employees once I landed eyes on the crest, ‘what does this mean?’ And they couldn’t even tell me.”

After a meeting with Hamilton’s mayor Paula Southgate regarding the developments around Waiwhakareke Heritage Park, Jahvaya was encouraged to make a submission regarding the crest through He Pou Manawa Ora, Hamilton

JOHN HAMILTON REMOVAL

RANGIAOWHIAW

City Council’s partnership strategy with local iwi.

“It’s painful for our people, for tangata whenua. We need restorative justice, honouring the mana of the land, Kirikiriroa. From doing my campaign about updating the Hamilton city crest, I had to come to a point of somewhat accepting that even though [our history] is so painful, that it is what happened,” says Jahvaya. “It is a part of our history. And it’s up to us to co-create and co-design how we would like to move forward together as a city.”

Kirikiriroa-Hamilton’s colonial history doesn’t stop at an emblem or a street sign, though. If you take a left off Von Tempsky / Putikitiki Street, you’ll find yourself on the vibrant, albeit gentrified Grey Street - the namesake of another ‘hero’ frozen in time. Immediately following his father’s death in one of the bloodiest battles in the Napoleonic Wars, Sir George Grey was born in Libson, Portugal in 1812 - and 51 years later, on a small Pacific island at the bottom of the world, Grey issued what may have been the most consequential ultimatum of his life: “All Persons of the Native Race living in Waikato are hereby required immediately to take the Oath of Allegiance to the Queen, or they will be ejected.’

And so, from George Grey’s pen, he set in motion the events that would eventually lead to the war crimes committed by the No. 2 Company in Rangiaowhia. While Grey justified the subsequent invasion and slaughter by British troops by claiming Māori were planning to invade Auckland, historians have since described his motivations as ‘a deliberate and transparent falsehood’ - little more than a land grab by heavily armed forces.

And still, Grey Street isn’t the only contentious relic still left from a bygone era - Bryce Street still lies across the top of Hamilton’s abandoned underground railway station, and the Captain Hamilton statue, nose chipped from the swing of a claw hammer, is still hidden away in an undisclosed location after threats to tear it down during 2020s Black Lives Matter protests.

And of course, there are, and will continue to be, those who disagree with the Von Tempsky Street name change, the removal of the Captain Hamilton statue - ‘erasing history,’ they often say. Sharing a side with those who voted against the Von Tempsky Street name change in the Hamilton City Council meeting, Winston Peters was “disgusted” at the removal of the statue of the man who had never set foot in Hamilton. National MP Simeon Brown told RNZ that he believed “tearing down artefacts or statues of people we dislike based on our values now is an incredibly immature response.” But still, it certainly isn’t without precedent - in 1945, when the German occupied town of Treuburg became the once again Polish town of Olecko, Adolf-Hitler-Platz was renamed plac Wolności - or, in English, Freedom Square.

And now, despite Hamilton’s reputation as a ‘cow town,’ attitudes are shifting. Street names are changing. Statues are being removed. Renewed calls are being made to restore Kirikiriroa as an official name. Those who are undeserving of honour are being honoured no more. And though there will always be those few who stand against progress, it seems for now that the Council is on board.

“I’m aware of the historic offence caused by a number of street names, and I’m also aware of conflicting views on this issue,” Hamilton’s mayor, Paula Southgate, said. “Council has already committed to a process through the development of He Pou Manawa Ora to address cultural offence. This will involve working with Iwi and the community to develop a much better understanding and consider a way forward.”

“I have always said we need some bold and brave conversations about this,” says Paula Southgate. “And I am committed to that.”

Toward the end of Ian’s ultimately successful application to the Hamilton City Council, he typed:

‘We now live in a spaceship culture. We are all this spaceship together. This needs to be a time of interdependence, democracy, humanity part of nature, sustainable production and consumption, gender equality, intercultural and inter religious tolerance, conflict resolution through negotiation, reliance on security.’

‘By renaming this street, Council will be sending a message to children of all cultures, but especially Māori, that you are honoured, you are respected, and that we live in this spaceship called earth. All together.’

Sponsored by Last Place :)

Jak Rāta

Rat Café

Fomo Tings:

Keep an eye out for some dope merch coming up.

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What the fuck is up with the name?

Well the thing about the name is that we had the name before we had any music at all. We didn’t let ourselves touch an instrument till we had a name, we were a bit egomaniacal in that sense I guess. I mean we had plenty of names that didn’t make the cut, “Jean Philippe and the denim jackets”, “Port McGillick: the lighthouse chronicles”, “thebigleagueboys”. All it really is, is a line of rat traps.. a rat cafe, rats hanging out having a kai and such.

Give us a rundown on the band dynamic; who’s who?

alright from left to right. Tommy Diamonds is the sweetheart of the group, never a bad word to say and the only genuine English accent you’ll find in the band, plays the dad guitar as well which is pretty sweet.

Daddy Caleb runs the show really, pushing buttons in the background, and he loves his damn head lamp but who could blame him, the man is practical.

Louis Walker is the man up front with the pipes. Even as a self proclaimed racing driver, he still turns up to the stage late.

Tama is the bearded darling mum guitar player with the rocky tones to keep the neighbours happy.

Roy is our wild card glockenspiel player who really plays anything but! Whatever he can get his hands on, he’ll play. And play it well.

Jean Philipe just hangs in the back and slaps the tubs out of time, for the wrong song and eats hash browns.

What’s everyone’s go-to after gig snack?

We exclusively eat a jar of McClures pickles, only the spicy spears. Getting cramp is the pits and somehow we all manage to get it mid set so we all smash a jar of pickles between us and it works a treat every time. That or a cooked chook.

What have you been working on recently?

Recently we’ve just been kicking some grooves, banging some tunes, playing a couple of gigs here and there. We’re trying to get some music out there soon so keep ya ears peeled for that, should be a few juicy numbers in there for everyone.

Also been trying to get some merchandise off the ground. Some wicked Sunnys and t shirts should be available in the coming weeks!

Who are 5 artists you’d love working with?

David Byrne - That man is talking heads, have you seen the man wiggle? We really just want him to wiggle like he did in the 80’s in one of our videos. We could all die happy when that happens.

Snail Mail - we’ve all got a bit of a band crush on Lindsey. She makes good tunes, seems chill, would be sweet to make some jam sandwiches with her.

Nile Rodgers - look, we’re talking CHIC here, the man made soup for one and that thing is a damn masterpiece. Who wouldn’t want to work with a groovy old Nile Rodgers. We’ve always romanticised an old funk album and this man would get it done quick smart.

Buff Correll - He’s a friggin dream. phenomenal vocalist, phenomenal choreographer, phenomenal set of muscles, phenomenal hair cut, there’s really nothing more to be said about that one.

Donny Benet - This man looks and acts like he knows his way around a printer, you know like the big ones in fancy offices. But don’t let that distract you from the cool, calm, collected and talented artist he is. We really just want to sit in a studio with him and listen to his unorthodox yet accurate analogies.

The consitutional right to abortion in the United States is gone. The Supreme Court is full of stupid, selfish, conservative knob-ends who can’t see past their own messed up ideologies. On behalf of all those with the potential to bear a child, I am shouting a very sincere “FUCK YOU!” But why do I give so much of a shit? I live in New Zealand after all. I’m half a world away from the current shitshow that is the USA. The answer is simple, I give a shit because we need to think and care beyond ourselves in our interconnected and globalised world.

In New Zealand, our reproductive rights are not even that progressive, we have only recently introduced safezones around abortion clinics to stop people harassing patients as they try to get into the clinic, and we only decriminalised abortion back in 2020! Before that, abortion was an offense under the Crimes Act of 1961, and those seeking an abortion had to prove to at least two health care professionals that they were unfit to keep the fetus (that’s the basics at least). There are plenty of scarily opinionated people that would be in support of banning abortion in Aotearoa. David Seymour has vocalised his disdain for the introduction of safezones around abortion clinics. Christopher Luxon believes that abortion is murder. National MP Simon O’Connor claimed the day Roe v Wade was overturned as “a good day.” I could go on.

In response to his MPs' controversial claim, ol’ Chrissy Luxon has dubbed Roe v Wade “not an NZ issue.” Bullshit. Roe v Wade has sparked a conversation, forced out the views of our key political actors, and has the potential to be a catalyst for change (whether good or bad). Currently, abortion in New Zealand is provided through government funded contracted services such as Family Planning NZ or The Women’s Health Clinic. The national abortion telehealth service (DECIDE) is also reliant on similar contracts. The contracts and funding on which these services rely on could simply not be renewed, leaving large areas of NZ without appropriate services . This is just one of many vulnerabilities within our health system, and we must remain vigilant to strengthen and protect them. It is scary how quickly our laws, systems, and rights can be removed or changed. If we palm off issues like Roe v Wade as “not our problem,” we risk not realising it’s happening here until it’s too late.

Despite good intentions, I also wish to call out the statement made by our own Prime Minister. Claiming Roe v Wade is a “loss for women everywhere” is overlooking LGBTQIA+ identities. Like every social issue, failure to acknowledge and incorporate intersectionality continues to exclude essential voices from the conversation, and exacerbate the challenges these individuals already face. Including all genders in reproductive justice is essential. It is important for all people who are able to get pregnant to be included in abortion activism and access to abortion.

Roe v Wade is an issue we all need to give a shit about. We can not let our rights be slowly stripped from underneath us. We must remain vigilant and stand up for the reproductive rights of people everywhere. We must keep abortion legal and safe. If you believe otherwise, you’re a dickhead :-)

With the Sem break coming to an end and re-o upon us, I’m sure we are all familiar with what vodka rtds taste good and the ridiculous price tag that comes along with them. So, over the years I've tried many different combinations to try and create my own perfect RTD (Ready to Drink). To try and create your own vodka RTD at home all you need is a bottle of vodka and some mix. Below I've listed some of the best and worst. And, just like how trying to make your own subway sandwich at home doesn't always come out perfect, DIY bevvys are the same. Though technically, straight vodka could be classed as an RTD as it is always Ready to Drink, as long as you're brave enough. My mum once told me that blue vodka such as Absolut, Finlandia and Skyy give you less of a hangover in comparison to red vodkas such as Smirnoff Ice and Ivanov. No clue if it’s pure bullshit and she’s just being a snob or if there’s actually some science behind it.

Cranberry Juice + Vodka | 8/10

Cranberry juice and vodka is a classic; the cranberry almost cancels out the taste of the vodka and you're left with a deep red drink that if you spill will most likely stain everything. The mix tastes bitter but sweet at the same time, almost as if you’ve mixed vinegar with 5kgs of sugar, but in a good way. Cranberry juice is supposed to be good for UTI’s so ladies, let's use this drink as a preventative measure for what the night may have in store. As the night goes on and the mix gets stronger, you can’t taste the slight bitterness and it just tastes like juice. This mix is a solid DIY RTD and definitely worth a try.

Cream + Vodka | -2/10

One time I was doing shots and needed a chaser and cream was the only thing in the fridge (thought it would have the same soothing effect as milk does when you eat something spicy). Instead, it just tasted like Satan's cum.

Schweppes Sparkling Duet Lemonade + Vodka | 10/10

It's very crucial that you buy the sparkling duet lemonade version, otherwise this will probs taste terrible. But this mix tastes like an RTD you would buy in some fancy, trendy looking can that would cost $30 for a 10 pack. You can not taste the vodka with this! It straight up tastes like fizzy lemon water.

Coke + Vodka | 9/10

This just tastes like spicy coke, really. If you like coke and medium butter chicken, you should definitely try this combo… even though it tastes nothing like butter chicken- it’s just kind of spicy.

Just Juice Bubbles Tropical + Vodka | 7/10

This is another combo that you could probably just chuck in a colourful can and slap a $30 price tag on and I'd buy it. With a hint of vodka usually overpowering the tropical taste, it almost tastes like how tropical elephants taste coming back up! The bubbles are most likely probably unnecessary and will definitely contribute to why your stomach feels so gross in the morning. Kinda tastes like tropical juice that you left in the fridge for 6 weeks over break that has started to ferment.

*Pls note that mix sizes may vary and are based on 3-ish shots of vodka and the rest of the tall glass being filled with the mixer.

Bottom Feeder

Kia ora and welcome back to another dream diagnosis, where I analyse your anonymous cooked dreams! PSA, I do not have any credentials whatsoever, I do own a dictionary. Let's get back into it.

Im at my grandparents house, it's normal except there are extra rooms. I remember a girl saying to me, “we've been here a long time”. There was once a reptile at the bottom of the stairs saying that the stairs would go to heaven. Once my dad killed my music teacher in the house. Sometimes there's stairs going into the basement. (the real house doesn't have a basement)

Ahh fuck here we go again. First things first, I recommend you get a Ghostbuster on that shit because it sounds like you're being haunted. A little girl saying “we’ve been here a long time?” Right out of a horror movie. Don't say I didn't warn you when that little girl starts turning up in your room at night. Sage your home. Sage your grandparents' home.

Seeing reptiles in your dream usually represents your instinctive reactions to basic urges such as food, sex etc.. Maybe your self consciousness is telling you to control your urges or heaven will boot you out when you get to the gate. Maybe it's internalised guilt about something? Either that or you're doing wonderful xox be a little hoe! Eat all the food you want! Fuck that lizard, it doesn’t know what its talking about. I'm not religious, but I'll pray for you. Speaking of praying, it sounds like your music teacher needs a few prayers. What did they ever do to you? Poor human was just trying to teach you how to make beautiful tunes and is being brutally murdered in your dreams. Unless they were a mean teacher, in that case it may have been therapeutic to watch them get killed by your father. I recommend journaling or writing your anger down on a piece of paper and burning it (safely) to release your frustration, this could lower the rate of murder in your self conscious thoughts.

Dreaming of a basement usually represents things that we suppress and don't want to deal with.

Yikes.

Ok time for some real advice, if you're going through a hard time and suppressing shit rather than dealing with it, have a korero with someone. Again, I have no qualifications and you may be reading this thinking “what the fuck this doesnt relate to me at all,” but in case it does, you’re a bad bitch and I believe in you. Talk about that shit in therapy. Or to a mate.

To conclude my analysis, I rate this dream 3/5 on the fucked up scale. Definitely some creepy and strange aspects, but it's no octopussy eating. Congrats, you aren't entirely crazy. If you think you can top this dream on the fucked up scale, let us know.