Whelmed 34 Cooked

L'appel du vide

Dave Snell

Dedicated to Karl, Associate of Words.

I’m not a fan of the French language. I think I’ve watched too many movies with French phrases because when I say any French words, I sound like such a rube. But I will admit that the French language does make weird shit sound romantic. Like l'appel du vide – which means staring into the void. This phrase is used to describe that sudden moment where your brain almost compels you to do something ridiculously dangerous, but you resist because you don’t want to die and you have impulse control. Let me give you some examples…

As a middle-aged Pākehā man, and a lot of us do this for some reason, I’m often up on our roof. Almost every time I’m up on our roof, I have this sudden urge to jump off. I know that I will break both of my fragile, Mr Glass legs, so I don’t. However, I still have this urge to. Another example is when I pass a big truck on an overtaking lane, I have this urge to swerve into the wheels. My brain thinks “What would happen if I did that? Would I go spinning off, or would I get crunched? What would the physics of that be like?” Another personal example is when I’m stopped at a roundabout, a car comes around and I think “I don’t know this person, but if I drive out in front of them, we’ll then be connected through this experience”. Now fortunately, for some reason, my little logic brain says “No Dave don’t jump off the roof you’d get fucked up”, or “Think of the truck driver’s kids”, or “That’s not how you meet new people Dave”, and that stops that thought from turning into action. But… hopefully…we all get those weird urges to do the weirdest inappropriate dangerous shit. One of my favourite Jim Carrey lines, from one of his old stand-ups, talked about how we’re only one moment away from pure insanity. One moment we’re looking in the mirror, the next we could be wildly slashing our tongue with a razor. Apparently, half of us have this feeling and maybe this is why the Final Destination movies were so weirdly popular. Some psychologist in Florida, probably not the person who treats “Florida Man”, thinks it's because your brain sends you a message that the situation is unsafe, you assess the situation, and then think “I’m not in danger. Why was I afraid? I must’ve actually wanted to jump”. Like some revisionist safety video. According to this theory, your brain is basically saying “Oh shame – you wuss!” and you reply by saying “No way, I’m a badass motherfucker who was fully going to Evil Knievel this shit”.

To be honest I’d much rather think it’s the latter. That French phrase, video apple or whatever, is really just a cover for how incredibly daring my fellow daredevils’ lives, and my own life, is. Standing there wanting to jump off rooves, drive into trucks, or slash my tongue with a razor. Brains do weird things. Let's not start writing angsty teenage poetry about voids.

Seriously, I'm not off my meds this time.

Sometimes when you stare off the roof, the roof stares back.

PASS THE AUX

Seamus made this playlist Seamus Lohrey

BILLY JOEL

05. Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door - Bob Dylan

06. Cyclone - Sticky Fingers

07. Since I’ve Been Loving You- Led Zeppelin

08. If I Can Dream - Elvis Presley

ZACH BRYAN STICKY FINGERS

01. Hourglass - The Butlers

02. Love Of My Life - Queen

03. She’s Always a Woman - Billy Joel

04. I’m Not Your Lover - Leif Vollebeck

NOAH KAHAN

09. Young Blood - Noah Kahan

10. Ghost Town - Kanye West, PARTYNEXTDOOR

11. Something in the Orange - Zach Bryan

12. Get Back - The Beatles

JONAH LOMU RUGBY VIDEO GAME SMALL BLACKS TV

Like many of you, I was raised through the boom of Rugby and saw the rise and fall of some of our greats. I saw the incessant push for Stat cards in Weetbix boxes (I see them still being shoved down throats even now), and I was also one of the lucky kids to shake Tane Umaga’s hand in 2003 at primary school. I have to say all the details because fuck me, it was an inspirational moment in my life. But like most of you, I wasn’t able to see past the Gilbert Rugby balls and post-match banter to understand the flailing instability of our Union. I think I’ve approached this all wrong, implying I’m going to break down Union Rugby and how it can be fixed – I’m not the person who can do that. I actually want to just talk about the state of Rugby and how it’s kind of in its flop era.

June 22 saw Mark Robinson releasing details regarding the 5 year strategic plan for NZ rugby. This is made up of four essential pillars, enhancing their success up until 2026. These pillars being:

Winning with mana Rugby at the heart of our communities Loved game, loved brands Unleashing rugby’s commercial potential

That’s cute and all, and I’m sure it means certain success for the Union, but I want to discuss something much larger than this. We’ve seen it all before right? The main structure of these pillars are staples within the Union for like, ever?

Basically what they’re saying is, to continue success, we need to build ads and make sure people like rugby. That would explain wanting to shove those Stat Attacks back down our throats in rapid succession.

But wait a minute, haven’t we seen commercial growth over the past 30 odd years?

New Zealand Rugby has recently agreed terms for its muchcraved cash injection, shaking hands with the players’ union to sell a minority stake to private equity firm Silver Lake. The NZR board announced the deal in June, which saw the American firm investing an initial $NZ200m ($A186m) to own 5.71% of NZR’s commercial arms. NZR, NZRPA, and Silver Lake will also create an international rugby investment vehicle called “Global Rugby Opportunities” as part of the deal. Meaning there’s an expected growth in revenue through intended commercial success and globalisation of loving the game, building on the final pillar in Robinson’s grand plan.

So, in the grand tradition of breaking down shit and going on a deep dive, here’s some of the more commercial things that have been successful and some of the things that haven’t. Hoping someone over at Silver Lake or NZR notices my list and doesn’t make the same mistakes of those before them.

Jonah Lomu Rugby Ka Pai

If you were one of those kids with money, good for you cunt, but I wasn’t. But I had a good mate back up north who had a PlayStation (shout-out to you Jamal) and we’d go so hard at this beast. Prior to your yearly shit-fests that were Rugby ‘04 onwards franchise. Starting off strong with this one though, Jonah Lomu is a king so this game is not short of a goldplated glory.

What’s good about it:

As a pioneer in Rugby based video games, it was appealing to the wider market of kids that loved rugby but didn’t want to get their head fucked in and smashed – I get it buddy. The graphics are a product of their time, but that’s not a bad thing. I’m not a huge gamer, but the gaming dynamics were dope and it was fairly foolproof so anyone could pick it up. The marketing team responsible understood their target

LI-ION BATTERY

audience and made a game that I’m sure some burly dad yelled at his kid about when he wasn’t passing or playing through correctly. Just fucking listen to your dad man.

Li-Ion battery – Kotiro Ma

This isn’t just about the battery, but honestly the wide range of power tools released adorning the All Blacks silver fern and all over black appearance. Okay, I know I’m not the biggest lad out there but I’m fairly certain that there’s gotta be a better of way of schlanging meat than carrying around those fuck ugly brushless drills and an angle grinder. Those batteries are just a waste of money, supporting the teams by going to a game is a better use of your dosh.

What’s good about it:

Literally nothing.

Weetbix Collectors Cards + Tin Box Big fucking Ka Pai

I’ve mentioned that Stat Attack is back, but here’s the thing. They’ve been doing these for yonks, promoting the game and collecting players like they’re yu-gi-oh and I was here for it. I’ve never been a huge collector of anything but those Carter, Somerville, and obviously Mealamu. They were like gold to me and I wanted them more than anything in my life. And then, the tin for our weetbix… fuck bro – you have no idea how much I vyed for that damn Weetbix tin. I have a confession, I do still have mine and I use it regularly. I swear that it keeps those things so damn fresh bro.

What’s good about it:

They don’t age and the sentimental value alone is enough to have anyone crying tears as they find them in the back of the kitchen junk drawer.

Birth Certificate Kotiro Ma

At its core, I understand it. You know, as Kiwis, it’s in our blood to have national pride in our team – but to the point of having it plastered across one of the most, arguably, important documents that you’ll carry with you for life.

What’s good about it:

It’s a birth certificate, so it’s going to allow you the ability to get shit. So there’s that going for it I guess.

Car Mats Ka Pai?

Here’s a divisive one. I kinda fuck with those rubber mats, they’re great for keeping your car clean and easy as fuck to wash off. But that’s where my love for them ends, at the rubber. They’ve got a large as fuck silver fern across them and I’m sure there’s a few people that like it – I don’t.

What’s good about it:

The rubber is easy to clean and they’re black so they’ll go with everything. But that big ass silver fern can fuck off.

Honourable Mentions:

Rugger Smallblacks TV

The point I need to reiterate is that I don’t hate Union Rugby, my heart is and will always remain in club teams and aftermatch beers and kai, but rather I commercial Union and what it stands for, money. Money is in the game, I get it, but commercial growth isn’t the be all and end all of general success in Rugby. It’s in our blood and we’re going to support the boys in black without the added pressure of blowing a months salary on some useless shit that doesn’t prove anything except an inate need to flex some fuck ugly, silver fern branded condoms. You get the idea.

Sponsored by Last Place :)

King Komodo

Jak Rāta

Fomo Tings:

fuck knows

Follow him: @kingkomodo

THE MAN HIMSELF

Gotta start simple, what’s the meaning behind the name?

I thought that was apparent. I’m the lizard king. King Komodo, Sir Salamander Himself, The Dynamic Dino, the Ruthless Raptor, The Impossible Iguana, The Reptile Commander, Spindiana Cones, Lee Zardo, Ol Lizard Whips. Your friendly neighbourhood lizardman. The “Democratically Elected” Lizard King of New Zealand. Leader of the Lizardmen.

With Winter Minter just having happened, what’s on the horizon for King Komodo?

Well, we’ve done Spring Thing, Minter Winter (1 & 2), and Awesome Autumn. Next up is the TOTALLY NOT A BUMMER SUMMER. In between now and then, we’ve got more songs and art coming.

You describe yourself Bizzare Rapper, Artist, and Lizardman (which is fucking on), but how would you describe your aesthetic/sound?

- Art wise? Vibrant trip-spec mind pulsation, and lizardmen (The ‘Zards).

- Sound wise? Like if Aesop Rock, Inspectah Deck and MF DOOM spawned a little lizardman. Thief N Zard (me and ThiefOfBaghdad) is like that with some Das Racist sprinkled in.

What’s your go-to snack? Post-gig, pre-gig, whenever?

Popcorn, inject that shit into my eyes.

Dream gig line-up? Who’s gonna be there?

Atmosphere A-F-R-O The Palmer Squares R.A. The Rugged Man Jarv Nahte Remnus and me and Thief.

But I’m also about that mixed rap/ rock lineup (which is what we do for these Season Gigs), so probably some chaotic bands like Voodoo Glow Skulls or something.

If you had to recommend some artists you’re vibing with atm, who are we looking up?

The Woolyboyz Nahte Remnus Connor Mussara Big Guts Billy MOKOMOKAI DURRY JER and F.A.I.R.Y. are all in my ears constantly atm.

Lastly, what about Kirikiriroa is so special to you?

This unfathomably vile, reprehensible hellscape? This place is like the Florida of NZ. I am just constantly not surprised by its consistent insanity. But despite its reputation, something about that churns out some of the best and brightest (and most overlooked) artists and minds in the country. You don’t build culture by being generic, mass produced, and shiny.

Emote!

Whenever I text my Mum, I type about three hearts, a smiley face, and at least two kisses at the end of every message. I mostly do this because of the time she asked me how I was, and I texted her ‘I’m all good’ with no kisses. She tried to tell me she knew something was wrong, and she wouldn’t leave me alone about it. Nothing was wrong. I just forgot to add the usual pizzaz to the text.

It’s not just my Mum that I message like this. I put ‘lol’ at the end of any message that I worry will come off as abrasive. I sign my emails with a colon and closing bracket to make a smiley face. I use exclamation marks to seem upbeat and friendly!! I take great care in making sure that I never come off as rude or short. The fact is that emojis and emoticons are really some of the only tone indicators that are available to us in the world of texting. Without adding a little bit of spice to our messages, how would we show people the tone behind them? For example, if my friend texted me ‘oh cool’, instead of ‘ohhh, cool!! :)’, I’d be deeply offended and assume they hated me and wanted me to die. Which I think is normal, you know? But it is kind of exhausting having to take such care with each message. So many of the emojis are so overboard as well; no one actually cries real tears every time they laugh.

I think part of the reason I put so much effort into seeming friendly is probably because I’m a woman. We are generally expected to be a lot more bright and bubbly in our emails than our male peers and colleagues. I’m pretty sure my brother isn’t expected to send our mother as many hearts as I am. However, It seems to be becoming more and more common for both men and women to text in this way.

Using emojis and tone indicators also makes it a lot easier to lie about how I’m feeling. I can effortlessly pretend to like somebody that I don’t, just by sending them some smiley faces. Sure, it’s pretty fake of me, but it’s a relief to not have to deal with seeing that person IRL. One of the things I hate most is having a conversation with someone and having to plaster a huge fake smile on my face the whole time. I can also pretend to find their memes funny if they send them to me over Instagram. It’s a lot easier to type a bunch of laughing emojis than it is to fake laugh all the way through a 10 minute video. So I guess there are pros and cons to emoji use. Either way, at this point, I don’t think I could live without them.

Off-Centre: Folk Horror Is Mad Crazy

(If you’re unfamiliar with what this column’s purpose is, basically, I talk about alternative, sorta mind-fuck films, series, and music)

I was struggling for an idea to discuss in this piece until I found myself scrolling through Netflix and saw “Midsommar” as a suggested watch. It got me thinking about how diverse the horror genre of film is. Of course, we have the classic paranormal and apocalyptic themes, but a very interesting subgenre of horror (which “Midsommar” falls into) is folk horror. In simple terms, folk horror uses elements of folklore to invoke fear in an audience. Typically, it involves a rural setting and themes of isolation, religion, and nature. This brings me to the two films I have decided to talk about: “The Witch”, and of course, “Midsommar” (if I write that one more time I might just explode).

In 2015, we were introduced to the greatly talented Anya Taylor-Joy in her breakthrough role as Thomasin in “The Witch”. And holy shit, that film was intense. Bless A24 for distributing films with such compelling stories. This movie follows a family trapped and punished by the age-old concepts of witchcraft, black magic, and possession as they try to navigate their new life in the wilderness of New England. It is a beautifully crafted film, both riveting and unsettling, and I dare say it’s one of the most interestingly captivating horror movies of the twenty-first century. It was made in such a way that it was both utterly terrifying and incredibly believable. If you haven’t seen it yet, hurry the fuck up and get on with it.

Now, I guess I should talk about “Midsommar” (that’s it, I’m DONE). In 2018, we were introduced to American screenwriter, director, and producer Ari Aster with his film “Hereditary”. That was definitely a sight to see- be careful of lamp posts. The following year, Florence Pugh stole the stage in her performance in Aster’s second A24 film, which is the topic of this conversation (as you can see, I never want to have to write that title again). I regret watching this movie for the first time all alone in my tiny College Hall room last year, because when it was over, I was not okay. What. The. Fuck. From A24’s own words, this film is “increasingly unnerving and viscerally disturbing”, and they’re not wrong. Ari Aster has a masterful visionary mind which he put into great use when composing a tale that was so daunting. It was a psychologically-disturbing movie without a doubt, but can I just say that it was so aesthetically and intelligently put together that it was… stunning- that’s ignoring the plot of course, because that shit was wack.

In my completely unimportant opinion, I think that folk horror films are some of the most frightening pieces of cinema we can watch, and these two films prove that. Am I biassed because of the two actresses I have mentioned in this column because I think they’re amazing? Maybe, but my point still stands. If you’re tired of your regular ghosts and zombies, treat (?) yourself to a day dedicated to this specific genre of film.

A fail proof way to get motivated

Caffeine will only get you so far. At some point or later, you will have to pull up your socks, sit down, and do the mahi. If you are motivated to do your assignments, please stop showing off and piss off with your amazing life. If not, and with most people probably having assignments due this week or next, here are 10 ways you can motivate yourself (and fingers crossed myself). You’re welcome.

1. Research has shown that goal setting is important. Set small specific achievable goals. Size really is important. Break up a big assignment into paragraphs or 100 words. “Working on my assignment/ going to study” at the library might be more productive if you set the goal of finishing a reading.

2. Physically seeing your progress can boost self-esteem so create (and tick) off a checklist.

3. Give yourself a break. Try a hot girl walk to get you out of your head and boost your mood.

4. Talk to others who have reached their goals. You’ll either pick up tricks or be so bored you’d rather study.

5. Focus on elements of the work you enjoy or gamify tasks. Find a way to get instant gratification, like 5 min social breaks, jellybeans after each chapter etc. 6. If you don’t find listening to a lecture enjoyable, try listening to it on a walk or whilst you tidy your room. At the end of the day, you’ll probably either have folded laundry or actually prefer to listen to your lecture.

7. A study has shown that offering tips on motivation helps the adviser too when both people create a concrete plan. My true intentions are now revealed. Blast.

8. Positive self-talk. Why can’t I do my assignment? Why can’t I just give it my best? Replace your negative thoughts. I might still have a way to go, but I am proud of how far I have already come. I am capable and strong, I can get through this.

9. A “big picture” talk with a friend who doesn’t take the same course can help with clarity and remind you of what motivates you.

10. Surround yourself with motivated people. If you hear that someone has started the assignment, this might be the push to start. (Alternatively, you might realise that it’s five weeks in, you’re three behind, and think no 10 ways list can help you now. In that case, challenge your negative self-talk and see number 8, mate). I can get through anything. I can do this!