N.22 / V.55

Authorised by Jamie Strange MP, Parliament Buildings, Wellington

Nexus

PRINTING

CAREER CHASING BITCH

My entire life I’ve been faced with the harsh truth that if I don’t make it into a career, I’ve somehow failed not only myself, but also the Tūpuna before me. That somehow I’ve completely tarnished my whānau if I’m not elbow deep in a rectal exam as a qualified doctor. But honestly, I find that seeking validation in my own journey to be far more worthy of what’s considered an understood success.

When I was 5, I told everyone that I wanted to be a sparky, or a farmer like my dad. I watched as those around me found happiness in forming a trade or understanding the craft of career-driven-growth. My dad, amongst the many things he is, is my hero. As a Māori man from the mighty King Country (up the Benneydale), he’s constantly been fighting for his seat at the table. Now as a middle aged successful farmer in the North, the once perceived unattainable goal of success is in his grasp. My dad is a superhero. Well he’s my superhero. Or some version of that.

When I was 12, I told everyone I wanted to be an All Black. Tana Umaga, or Saimone Taumoepeau were my idols, and I thought that I’d one day be just like them. To be successful, for me, meant that I could represent my mighty country on the world stage with pride as I beamed to my parents, applauding my successes as a sport’s star with the best captain in the world (no one tell Sam Cane that Richie will stay my king). That was what I thought success looked like, being a face of a brand that represented Kiwi people.

My 18th birthday saw a shift, me thinking that I had to become a teacher to influence the lives of young tauira to make a difference. Teaching is well-respected, and it's not giving up your dream of architecture because teaching art and dvc is just as rewarding. Well that’s what I kept telling myself. Don’t worry, it’s just as successful to be a teacher than a life-changing painter and creating worlds for people to admire. You’re an artist but at changing lives and not dirty paint water.

24. What the fuck does success mean to me? It means waking up everyday and doing things that make me happy. It’s corny, and I promise I’ve not lost my shitty cynicism with age, but no longer am I driven by traditional ideologies surrounding success. As I speak to those around me, the kōrero about monetary gain is brought up. I can safely say that I don’t equate money to success. Otherwise I’d be hella unsuccessful right now wouldn’t I? I love what I do, and I get to create alongside some amazing artists and meet incredible writers. Sure, I want to fall in love one day and start my life with someone who shares the same passions as me, but I’m also honestly okay at the minute with where I’m at. I know that one day I’ll want to move on and figure out the path that works for me, but for now I may return to making coffees and saying mōrena to the friendly faces on the other side of the machine.

That’s all from your illegitimate uncle, stay safe out there kids – and just take it easy.

Chloe Smith

New Zealand police still have no reliable way of recording who is being targeted by hate crimes

Despite the New Zealand police funding a dedicated team and carrying out hundreds of audits in the last year, the data they have collected is still not accurate enough to rely on or report under the national recording standards. Police have said any hate or prejudice offense (such as a death threat) is flagged as a hate crime, although when approached for comment, it has been reported that they could not say how many hate crimes and death threats have been recorded towards Māori and the rainbow community.

This is the News, Bitch

4-week old baby overdosed on methadone after the pharmacy mixed up the prescription.

A report released by the Health and Disability Commissioner on the 27th of September outlines the incident, detailing the cause of the accident. In June 2018, a 4-week-old baby was prescribed omeprazole oral liquid, a colic treatment. An unnamed pharmacy and pharmacist had accidentally mixed up this prescription with the synthetic opioid, methadone, after leaving the unlabelled methadone bottle on the pharmacy bench. A pharmacy technician then used that bottle to prepare the omeprazole prescription for the baby.

After the medicine had been administered, the baby’s breathing became abnormal and the child became unresponsive. After being taken to the ICU by ambulance, a urine sample showed the child to have suffered a methadone overdose.

Deputy Health and Disability Commissioner, Dr. Vanessa Caldwell, found that the pharmacy and pharmacist were both in breach of the Code of Health and Disability Services Consumers Rights. The pharmacist failed to dispense the omeprazole in a safe and appropriate way, thus not providing the baby with services in a manner consistent with professional standards and competent pharmacist practice. The pharmacy has also made changes to its operations to reduce the risk of this happening again.

Two New Zealand rugby players facing trial in connection to alleged gang rape in France

Two New Zealand rugby players are members of a group of 5 who overnight, were sent to trial in connection with the alleged gang rape of a woman in France, in 2017. Rory Grice is one of three facing rape charges (up to 20 years in prison), and Dylan Hayes faces non-prevention of crime charges (maximum of 5 years imprinsonment). Grice has denied the allegations, claiming that contact with the accusor, a 21-yearold student, was consensual.

The 5 players involved are expected to apply to the highest appeal court in France- the Cassation, on the grounds that due process has not been followed, making the chances of a fair trial slim.

Chloe Smith

Nord Stream gas pipeline rupture could lead to climate disaster

The rupture is visible in a 700m wide bubbling area of water in the Baltic Sea and is one of three gas leaks in the pipeline connecting Russia and Germany. Scientists are trying to work out just how much methane has escaped into the atmosphere and the cause of the leaks. German and US officials have said that it looks like sabotage.

It is unknown how much gas was in the pipeline at the time, or the temperature and pressure it was being held at. Andrew Baxter, the director of energy strategy at the Environmental Defence fund estimates around 115,000 metric tons of methane escaped. The equivalent of this is around 9.6 million metric tons of carbon dioxide. 2 million gasoline cars have the same climate impact in a year in terms of emissions.

Small Town

Fix for earthquakes, destroyed by shitty caldina

TMP Fashions in Taumarunui has been closed following work done to achieve earthquake certification. But, a recent truck has clipped the verandah, slowing the process but also fucking up the overall aesthetic of the corner. The well-established clothing store is in communications with the council to rectify the damage, hoping for a 60/40 agreement on the damage cost.

Well-being is the keyword of the week, onya Te Kūiti

Te Kūiti have been conducting a survey on residents, hoping to enlighten the current crisis of mental health response. National MP, Barbara Kuriger, has said they’re going to hit 300 residents surveyed, opening the pool of response across a wider receivership. There’s certainly hope that it’ll be beneficial, but I’m intrigued to know who exactly she’s speaking with, to get a grasp on her current demographic sampling.

Video emerges of police seemingly punching an offender several times

On Monday, a video emerged of about 6 police cars surrounding a white car in Manukau. The car was reportedly stolen, and police, upon surrounding the car, dragged 5 suspects out and onto the road.

Another video of the arrests appeared to show one suspect being punched in the back and head area. Superintendent Jill Rogers, Counties Manukau District Commander, has said "Police acknowledge the videos circulating on social media and we are now reviewing the actions of our people."

"The incident will also be referred to the Independent Police Conduct Authority (IPCA). Given this, we are limited in further comment at this time.”

For only 50k, chuck your name on it mate

An update for those curious about my story on the Te Kūiti indoor stadium. It’s almost done mates, we’re only about 10 weeks off the ribbon cutting ceremony. The $9m spent has seen incredible growth and completed 85% of the initial build. Here’s the sitch, Game On Charitable Trust (fundraising team) said they need $50,000 more to complete the fitout. So the names of those donating will have their name put with the history of Te Kūiti on some ball plaques on a wall. Bigger the dosh, bigger the ball. Seems simple enough.

A carrot, but you go inside instead of inside yo- you get the point.

Mark Laver and Tony Williams are currently working on a 5.4m tall Carrot Rocket Ship for Ohakune Carrot Adventure park. I get it, this sounds like some kind of joke. But if any of you have fucked off to Ohakune for any reason, you know that the mighty Kāreti is the pride of the small town. They love that shit and we’re sure tamariki will love the upcoming ride for years to come.

Jak Rāta

“Cut off his ball”

Mathieu van der Poel has pleaded guilty to the assault of two teenage girls on the eve of the world championship road race. Lawyers for the Dutch cyclist have confirmed he was convicted and fined a total of NZ$1,700.

“Milk profits are moo-ving up”

Fonterra delivers $583m full-year profit with the farmgate milk price at its strongest ever, with a return at an estimated $13.7 billion to the economy in milk price payments alone this year.

“Now you’re (not) in NEW YOOOOORK”

A Wellington tauira has launched a petition calling for the Reserve Bank to replace the monarch in the next redesign of coins and notes, with images that better represent New Zealand. Rangatahi Māori, Te Matahiapo Safari Hynes (Rangitāne, Ngāti Kahungunu) said it was a chance for New Zealand to think about the role of the monarchy, and the currency was a good start.

“At least they try-ed”

The All Blacks' home test schedule closed out with a harrowing 40-14 win over the Wallabies at Eden Park recently. So, after all the fuckery, the disappointing losses, and talk of how this is the worst All Black team ever, they are now champions of southern hemisphere rugby yet again.

A database that provided faulty predictions on headwinds is being blamed for the bumpy start to Air New Zealand's flagship service to and from New York. The airline blamed extreme weather for disruption to a non-stop flight from New York to Auckland on Sunday.

“Got some skunky hydro… strawbs”

After trialling 1000 strawberry plants last year, 26 Seasons now has 8000 under lights and the plan is to scale up further to 70,000 plants, producing a million punnets of strawberries a year.

“Chuck Whina on it, that’s my call”

Jak Rāta

PITOPITO

5 BURNING QUESTIONS

5 Burning Questions Heading into the 2022-23 NBA Season

Welcome to the shameless rip of a true classic, pulled from the front page of ESPN with such little nuance and editing its unoriginality could crash Turnitin. With NBA Media Day reminding us how close we are to opening night and how good Ben Simmons’ NBA player cosplay is, it’s time to ponder five super spicy questions burning inside the brains of basketball junkies the world over.

Who’s poised for a breakout season?

Last year Ja Morant took another leap, which makes sense given his ability to actually leap, securing All-NBA second team honours thanks to his insane and oftentimes reckless explosiveness (shades of prime, Derrick Rose). This year’s breakout might be just as vertically impressive with YouTube mixtape sensation turned All-Star Zion Williamson set to return after a year away. If the reports of his summer workouts are true and Williamson can find a pair of sneakers able to withstand the force of a million exploding suns, there’s a real chance he picks up where he left off. There’s also a real chance he finds himself on the injury report again, after missing 141 games through the first three years of his career. In that case put some money on Tyrese Haliburton.

Will the Lakers figure it out?

Probably not. It’s painfully clear the Russell Westbrook experiment has failed, thanks to his unwillingness to adapt his game even 10%, a stubbornness that once averaged a tripledouble now rapidly poisoning his basketball IQ. Perhaps with his contract expiring, paired with LeBron’s extension, the Lakers might finally have a tradeable package of Westbrook and picks. But the return means absolutely nothing if Anthony Davis can’t stay healthy and LeBron loses even half a step.

Who will win MVP?

Don’t be shocked if the Europeans make it five in a row

with Giannis Antetokounmpo, Nikola Jokić and Luka Dončić all coming off strong EuroBasket campaigns. Most sports betting sites have Dončić as favourite, unsurprising given his outrageously productive first four years in the league and the voter fatigue likely hanging over the other two. If Dončić can lead the Mavericks to an impressive regular season without Jalen Brunson, perhaps on the back of some real offseason conditioning, it’ll be hard to argue against the unguardable Slovenian.

Are the Nets contenders?

At first glance Kevin Durant and his cast of unknowables seem like the furthest thing from a championship team after suffering a first-round pantsing via Boston and wearing the sash of ‘noisiest offseason’ despite doing basically nothing. There is however the incessant feeling that any team with Durant is playoff dangerous, doubly so with an ‘unplugged’ and available Kyrie Irving and a Ben Simmons with even 80% of his playmaking and defensive genius. Sadly the Nets remain a true random generator thanks to the impossibility to predict a single thing any of their stars will say or do.

Who will be the most fun team to watch?

Let’s not dwell on potential wins and losses just yet and instead consider which team will dominate social media with obscene alley-oops and late game heroics. Memphis is always a safe bet for most fun thanks to spine tingling highlights from Morant the Fearless. Minnesota boasts a wealth of veracious fast breaks provided by ultra-athletic and recently ignorant Anthony Edwards. Chicago always keeps a handful of slam dunk contest winners on their roster alongside King of the Fourth Quarter DeMar DeRozan. And then there’s the raw potential of younger teams like the Oklahoma City Thunder and Orlando Magic, filled with fresh legs hungry to make a name in the league. Most teams are a sneaky solid pick depending on your preference, apart from the Utah Jazz.

Oliver Dunn

I am not a hippy. I know hippies, and most of them are okay, but I have an aversion to tie dye and I prefer to buy my flowers from a supermarket. Thank you very much. Also controversial opinion, but the Beatles are overrated and John Lennon’s Imagine is a terribly boring song written in the throes of a drug high. Okay, now that we’ve established my discursive stance, let's lead on to my real point, which given the above statements may seem surprising…

All you need is love.

While that statement alone should be enough without being followed with an exhaustive column for evidence, this isn’t just some hippy concept where we need to drink from the Kool aid. Connection is vitally important to our mental health. We need to feel that we belong. Once again I have to tip my cap to te ao Māori with the broader context of whānau. Whānau is anyone you consider a supporter. Aroha isn’t just your partner or significant other (what’s an insignificant other?) but the love you have for your blood relatives, the love you have for your adoptive relatives, the love you have for that person who gave you that good advice, or that love you have for the dude that you sung that sea shanty with when you were both on the piss (hey bro). The love you have brings you all together to defeat the demogorgons and close that interdimensional portal (I’ve just finished Stranger Things and already have withdrawals). We need that. Aroha, not demogorgons, although they would be good to feed trash and meter-readers to.

That’s why we have so many songs about it. Blues Brothers, Huey Lewis, Haddaway (What is Love, Baby don’t Hurt Me), Hospital of Death – they’ve all written about love. Men

couldn’t handle saying they love each other when they’re with mates so we even coined the term Bromance so that it seemed homoerotic, but not homoerotic enough (think WWE not Queer Eye). Paintings have been painted in the name of love. Helen of Troy was described as the face that launched a thousand ships, not because she had the most vicious of headbutts, but because men would go to their deaths because they were so in love with her. Shakespeare wrote smutty snuff porn highlighting its power. People have protested, been beaten, and in many cases died for the right to love the people they want to love (isn’t that crazy that people have had to do that). It’s a powerful driving force that gives us our humanity.

What I would like to see though, is this aroha recognised in our workplaces. I’m not talking free love in the office, although if you’re into that I won’t judge. Many large organisations proudly boast their values (I’ve worked for four of these organisations), organisations that have people who love their jobs and love the mahi that they do. But recognising this as specifically aroha in an organisation's values is largely absent. Why? Because we think it sounds too much like the hippy bull-shit I mentioned earlier? If aroha is our strength, is our humanity, let's recognise that and hold organisations to account when they don’t act out of love. Love can be a force to drive political and structural change.

Just don’t call me a dreamer, or tell me I’m not the only one.

Call me a Love Jedi.

HINENGARO

BOY PABLO

Our young people are killing themselves at a higher rate than most. Tough to read, isn’t it? It should be. But, it’s a stabbing statement that I fear is just becoming a sting to those that have the most influence over the support we get for our mental health. The stairs seem far too steep for youth navigating their mental health and I fear that those with the biggest climb are us, university students.

It was earlier this year when my parents, with a smile hidden behind their sad face, helped me out of home and into the independent world of higher education. It was around then when my knowledge of absolutely nothing or nobody in this area went from a background thought to a thumping realisation. For the first time in my life, I was truly on my own.

The truth is, this is the same story for the majority of students who decide to take their studies out of town. Regardless, the story of independence is true for all of us, no matter where we’re from. Our support systems seem to dwindle, mental resilience is overestimated, and we’re left to become adults while we’re still on the path of maturing. But, it’s not like any of this isn't known, right? I mean, this magazine alone covers issues around mental health on a frequent basis. But it doesn’t even take a bit of light reading to see this; students nationally are overtly vocal about the idea that there just simply isn’t enough help for us. However, all we continue to see are long wait times, understaffed places of support, and missued funding. It’s becoming disaster prevention rather than care for us students, who 1 in 5 of are diagnosed with a mood or anxiety disorder. It’s all in the faces of those that can do something about it but unfortunately they’ve closed their eyes.

Mental wellbeing problems are not just simply depression or anxiety, it is so much more. It’s the moods and emotions within our brains that affect everything we do. Everybody inevitably will battle with their mental health, you do not have a disorder

to suffer; around 11% of young adults in New Zealand are said to be experiencing psychological distress. Problems are of all shapes and sizes and each one is as valid as the other.

What more of us are realising is specific support and statistics for tertiary students is lacking compared to those in similar demographics. To me, it’s an emphasis on the idea that we have been thrown off the cliff into adulthood and are now left to fend for ourselves in some desolate area. We’re all too often classed as adults and, at the very best, youth. While I agree that we are now ‘grown-ups', students should be an asterisk next to the name of adults as a group who are now in one of the most vulnerable times of their lives. I don’t want to only be the statistic of 18+, there is something more unique in this period of my life. I’m on my own for the first time. Mental health is personal and individual to all but support put in place seems to target the lowest common denominator. Simply, what seems to be easier. Just like most things in this world, it takes a tragedy to happen before real change can begin to occur. If we want tauira to be supported the best they can, we need to find what specific support is needed towards the many areas that can affect us. Support that prevents tragedies, not responds to them.

Well, there’s no point complaining if you’re not going to do something about it. Here at Nexus, we’re looking to remove this question mark through a targeted, anonymous survey. The aim is to identify specific aids that can be used to help tertiary students within what will be discovered as our areas of struggle. It’s been made in conjunction with a parliamentary internship so has the potential to be a real catalyst for change. All it requires now is you, students. Two minutes of your time can provide a huge step towards discovering the areas support is needed most for us. Support it so we can find support for you.

This survey understands the negative effects navigating tertiary education can have on your mental health and aims to identify what these causes are. This will find areas where support is needed, allowing for the correct, relevant help to be better accessible to students and their universities. The survey will be made easily accessible by a QR code link. The questions have been made through thorough consultation, over a long period of time, with a team of professionals who are just as concerned with the challenges of mental health. They are designed to not be overwhelming in both number and content.

- Which gender do you identify with? (Male, Female, Nonbinary, I’d rather not say, and other)

- Which age demographic are you in? (17 & under, 18-24, 2530, and 30+)

- How often do you interact with people outside of your room on a daily basis? (Never, roughly 1-2 times a day, and frequently)

- Have you felt a feeling of homesickness in the year so far? (Yes, no, and hard to say)

THE STATS

in 6

youth reported making a suicide plan in the past year,

- Who has given you support with homesickness? (The University, Hall’s of Residence staff, family, friends, mental health professionals, I have not received support for homesickness, and other)

- What are the biggest triggers of homesickness for you? (Academic studies/grades,hearing from home, not hearing from home, not feeling like you belong, financial pressure, and other)

- Do you feel like you were mentally well-prepared for University education? (Yes and no)

- Which of the following do you feel are the most effective to contact for support of your mental health if needed? (Family, friends, helplines, your healthcare provider/GP, counselling services, online tools and resources, none of the above, and other)

- Finally, are you aware of ways to be able to find help with your mental health if needed? (Yes I can find appropriate help when needed, yes but I need more help, no and I have tried before, and no and I haven’t tried before).

of New Zealand LGBTQ+ youth reported they have experienced symptoms of depression

in 4

of New Zealand youth reported existing symptoms of depression

New Zealanders will have already experienced a mental health issue before the age of 18.

Sponsored by Last Place :)

Tahini Bikini

Brief rundown on the name.

The name came about in a supermarket while a couple of us were doing a road trip down south, we had only just started the band and we’re throwing out random Names of items in the shop looking for inspiration when Alex’s (guitarist)

girlfriend said “Tahini Bikini” initially we didn’t think it was the one but then it just kinda stuck and we’ve since discovered it’s very marketable, so many food puns!

There were a few other names thrown around in the beginning but for some reason we couldn’t escape the sauce.

Tell us who’s who in the band?

- Mads Taylor is on vocals/lyrics and our band momager

- Cae Heke is our bassist

- Chev Fraser on the toots

- Barney Johnson on the drums

- Alex Coffey keys/rhythm guitar and production

- Lukas Jury Lead guitar.

- Occasionally we have 7 when we’re lucky enough to be joined by our pal Rachel Andie. Who adds her saxophone to our horns section and does some beautiful vocal harmonies

If you had to explain your sound without using music terms, how would you do it?

Loud, tasty and a little bit naughty. The person who’s the life of the party but no one knows who invited them.

What’s everyone's favourite bevvy and snack lineup?

Hummus always, Asahi or Peroni for the beers.

If you could have anyone open for you, who would it be?

Khruangbin or Fat Freddy’s Drop for sure.

Local bands you’re frothing and we should be too?

Fool’s Lagoon, Sureboy, Tin Palace. Sureboy are incredible. We've played a few shows with them and it’s been amazing to see how well they’re doing! Tin palace has such a funky sound if you haven’t heard them they’re def worth your time. And we’re touring with Fool’s Lagoon at the end of October so if you wanna catch them (and us) live come to a show!

What is the one thing you want to achieve as a band?

Tahini Bikinis worldwide. International touring! We’d love to get to the point where we are headlining shows overseas, seeing a massive crowd groove to our music would be such a rush/

What’s on the horizon for Tahini Bikini, what should we be on the lookout for?

Firstly our album release tour! We’ll be playing shows in Tāmaki, Waihi and Waikato for the first time at the end of October and tickets are available now, we’d love to see some new faces and spread our sound! You can find them through the link in our Instagram bio or eventbrite and Under The Radar. And hopefully in the not so distant future Album number two. We have an excess of music to record and have only just put out our Debut Album “Fever Dream” so we’re just getting started.

Fomo Tings: Releasing that EP Follow them: @tahinibikiniband

FEVER DREAM

Jak Rāta

CANDIDATES

HARLEY

KAE’SHARNHOSE

wanna know my superpowers? read my full bio...

For good times, better support and a stellar year, re-elect Stella as your Vice President.

I'm old enough to know better, yet young enough to still do it anyways.

PHOENIXTE WHAU

For me being able to connect and support Māori at the university would be an absolute privilege. I want to help Māori students get the absolute support.

It is never too late to be whom you might have been.

I decided to stay in humid Kirikiriroa as a water sign studying PolSci… read more of my excellent takes in my bio or via socials

I’m not here to take part, I’m here to take over #voteforme.

— VICE-PRESIDENT —

GEORGELIU (Also General Director)

STELLAMCCLEAN

JEPHTAHCOE (Also Director)

PAULOPARAMORE (Also General Director)

RANGIAMOHIADANSEY-WHITE

AALIYAHTE WHATA-HARVEY (Also Director)

Endorsed by Te Ranga Ngaku

Endorsed by Te K ā uru

To read their bio, head to our website.

ASHLEIGHYATES

Improving Tauranga campus with your ideas.

DIRECTOR PACIFIC ELECT

When you vote – it's easy – VOTE BEEZI!

— DIRECTOR

To read their bio, head to our website.

stealing your vote. And

Your voice is important! Your contribution is valuable! Your presence is significant! Ko au, ko koe, ko tātau! He aha te mea nui o te ao, he tangata, he tangata, he tangata!

JASMINECAMPBELL

MEREANAVAKA

Here to break chains and change lives . Don’t get it twisted, Daddy’s still here to take out the trash. Ps. Sterling’s got a pa’u

To read their bio, head to our website.

To read their bio, head to our website.

To read their bio, head to our website.

To read their bio, head to our website.

SARAHBASHIR

BRONWENATA-TAUAI

Going above and beyond to serve your student voice

NIMOABDI

DANIELLIMA

CHRISTIANTATUPU

I intend to amplify the voices of postgraduates, STEM students, and student employees on campus.

ZACISAAC

To read their bio, head to our website.

RIDWAANOMAR

SAMIRASULEIMAN

Let’s talk about getting the ick. It’s gotta be one of the leading causes of impotence, or at least some hand on hand combat. Bit of context- recently I was in a less than serious relationship with a woman who seemed fairly relaxed and carefree. Which, allegedly, I am the master of. So here’s me thinking I’ve cracked onto a winner – basically home stretch.

But times change, and rather quickly.

We’d been having sex, standard, and without tooting my own horn – it’d been going fairly well. We both seemed to be getting satisfied and we were enjoying the company of each other without any sort of commitment. Now I’m admittedly not the most kinky person, only because I don’t ACTUALLY want to hurt someone and I make that well known with any new sexual partner. This time was much the same. We’d had the conversation of soft limits and hard limits, and I’d discussed not loving the idea of pain. That was until she’d hit me in bed. Shock-fucking-horror right? This wasn’t just a gentle slap, but a close-fisted smack. Imagine my surprise to find that my below-gent had gone cooked-spag-soft, but also to see an equally confused look on my dear counterparts, almost crying, face. Now I’m trying to figure out what called for a knock about, but also why the fuck you’re upset. Needless to say, I helped her get her stuff together and got the absolute fuck out of there before I ended up as the next case on “women who murder”.

Days went by, texts from her came through a plenty but a response was yet to be seen. I’ll be frank with you all, my communication style is like an absent father. It’s not there.

I’m shit at texting back, and I’m worse with social media. I understand that in any relationship, some sort of comms link needs to be made and my deepest apologies to partners of the past. Though there comes a point where you’d hope they get the hint that you don’t want to talk about the situation or, to a more extreme extent, you don’t even want to speak with them. So I’ll come clean. I ghosted her. The worst part is I know she’s going to read this and I wish I could apologise, but that punch ain’t going away anytime soon. Also, in my defence, blowing up my phone and claiming that I’m “prolly fucking other bitches” isn’t going to get a response out of me. Retaliation out of anger hasn’t been my style for years my friend.

I can’t tell if I got the ick from the assault or from the complete bombsite that was my phone. I know some of you reading this will be thinking I’m just weak for not liking to be punched during sex or that I’m hella vanilla. And you know what? You’re right, I don’t like drawing blood in a moment that is supposed to be pleasure filled. Or putting ice on something that wasn’t caused by me throwing around strength. Sue me.

Usually I have a moral of the story, though this one is probably that consent in the bedroom is some of the most important, and concrete, conversations that need to be had in existing or new relationships. And if you’re going to take anything away, make sure you’re not going to ghost anyone or at least end the relationship in a civilised manner. Getting the ick is a perfectly fine excuse, but perhaps don’t tell your partner that. Happy fucking team.

Last week, we began our journey through some of the best pieces of research that no one asked for. There are just too many strange and interesting awardees that it deserves a part two.

When we face a problem, a little bit of Kiwi ingenuity goes a long. Lianne Parkin, Sheila Williams, and Praticia Priest from Otago University, did just that, by determining that people slip less on icy footpaths when wearing socks on the outside of their shoes. The awardees of the 2010 Ig Nobel in Physics wanted to test an apparent winter tradition in Dunedin, and it worked. While it looks weird, socks on the outside of your shoes can give you more grip on slippery surfaces.

In 2014, Eigil Reimers and Sindre Eftestøl disguised themselves as polar bears and followed around a herd of reindeer in the Scandinavian wilderness, for science. With climate change melting the sea ice, polar bears are spending more time on land. This leads them to encounter reindeer more often. Additionally, humans have moved further north and interactions with wild reindeer have increased. The pair were testing to see how reindeer respond to humans and polar bears. The reindeer were observed to run twice as far when seeing a polar bear compared to a human.

Sometimes, scientists propose ideas that are a little more, shall we say, “abstract”. Marc-Antoine Fardin asked the question “Can a cat be both a solid and a liquid?” and won himself the 2017 Ig Nobel for Physics. He determined that because cats

fill the space of a container due to their flexibility, they can be classified as a liquid. Whereas, outside of the box, the cat is very much solid. Through a series of complex fluid dynamics equations, he showed that if we apply what we know to new situations, it may yield some weird and wonderful results.

Anyone who has been in the vicinity of a young child knows how much they dribble. Winners of the 2019 Chemistry Ig Nobel, Shigeru Watanabe, Mineko Ohnishi, Kaori Imai, Eiji Kawano, and Seiji Igarashi, worked out that a five-year-old child can produce an average of 500 mL of saliva per day. Now, there’s something you probably didn’t want to know.

If you hate chewing noises, congratulations, there is now an official medical condition for that. “Misophonia” was the subject of the 2020 Ig Nobel Prize for Medicine. While it is thought to have been around for a long time, it has only been recently recognised thanks to this study. While it is incurable, awareness of it is at least a step in the right direction. Just another reason to not chew with your mouth open.

And last but not least, the 2022 Ig Nobel in Safety Engineering, was awarded to Magnus Grens, who, a number of years ago, wrote his masters thesis about the creation of a moose crash test dummy. Each year in Sweden, Canada and many other northern countries, thousands of moose are hit by oncoming vehicles. The goal is to better understand what happens during these collisions and what safety mechanisms can be put in place to protect passengers in the vehicle.

Were they actually trying to hit every pothole? That would explain the swerving and lurching all over the road, Tim thought to himself. Cuffed, terrified and foggy, sitting in the back of an unmarked police vehicle, Tim's life had taken a drastic turn. At 60, nearing retirement sitting in the back of a cop car was not in his plans. In fact, when he pictured his future, he saw himself sipping a coffee in the corner dairy. Maybe munching back a couple of mince pies slathered in tomato sauce. Now, his mouth was watering thinking about that flaky pastry and gravy. Those pies offered a retreat from his nine-to-five job, which was about as exciting as watching paint dry. The last few weeks had been a steady stream of news on some royal scandal. How many articles on the royals did they need to post in a week? Who cares about the royals? He sure as hell didn't. Why was he even thinking about pies and work while he was getting taken into custody?

Tim now sat alone under fluorescent lights which buzzed and flickered. His ears rang and his head felt like someone had used it as a punching bag. Sitting in a metal chair, behind a metal table, Tim waited. A man in a grey suit buzzed himself in, walked over to the table, and sat down placing a microphone on the metal table, alongside a mince pie. And then the questioning began, microphone recording.

“So, Timothy Johnson. This is rather unprofessional of me, but I missed my lunch break- so I will just be munching on this pie.”

This was torture. Eating a pie in front of him. Grey suit spoke again, mouth full of pie. A small piece of mince flew out of his mouth, finding a landing spot on his suit.

“Tell me where you were at exactly eleven o'clock this morning.”

Tim's cheeks reddened, and ashamed, he spilled the beans. More accurately, he spilled the mince. He wasn't a huge fan of beans. But pies? That was another story.

“I showed up to work, checked my never-ending emails, and went for a jog- to the dairy.” Surely the step out the door and short run down the street balanced out the pies from the shop.

“And I got a caramel flat white- Darla makes the best flat whites. Soy, of course. And a pie.”

His gut gurgled like a geyser when he had milk- now he was overthinking, palms sweaty, anxiety running high. What was he meant to be saying again? That's right- the pies! He was halfway through his fifth pie, mince and sauce smeared around his mouth, crumbs clinging for dear life in his beard when the explosion happened. Wait a minute. What were they accusing him of? Drinking great coffee? Eating too many pies? Since when was that a crime? Health problem yes, crime no. Surely, they didn't think that he blew up his beloved pie shop- he hadn't a mean bone in his body. He was the sort of man who cried when he killed a spider for god's sake- saying it had a life and a family and- well, a heart. How could he be accused of planting a bloody bomb? In his beloved pie shop, nonetheless!

Tim was shaken, sitting pale-white under the lights, and the ringing in his ears had not stopped. He knew nothingjust one big fog after the explosion. What do they call itPost Traumatic amnesia that's it! Or was it pie withdrawal?

“Come on Tim,” the harsh voice of the grey suit cut through the fog in Tim's mind. Urging him to tell them what he knew, but what could he say. He was just a fat old man with nothing to hide, a man who loved pies and was in the wrong place at the wrong time. In truth, he was probably more than a fan of the pies- a borderline addict. Those pies were like crack cocaine to him. A savoury, crumbly, pastry high.

“I'm not buying it, Tim. This is going to look bad. Like you are hiding the truth. Tell us what you know.”

Tim didn't know what to say. Oh god, what a nightmare. One of those ones where you are sure you are awake, and then you wake up sweating, overheating, and stressing. But this was no dream. He was trapped in an interrogation room, secrets out in the open. Was he going into pie withdrawal? Is that even possible? He could see it now. Newspapers plastered with his name, labelled as the pie freak or worse.

Chloe Smith

Heartbreak High

TV Show | Jak Rāta

I’m at it again, I’m back on my sappy teenage bullshit. Even though I’m a mid-20’s man, nothing will get me quite like the infantile love shared between two teenagers sharing some mindless love thanks to the product of convenience. Meaning, you don’t actually love your boyfriend but he’s the only tolerable one at a school of 1500. Heartbreak high is like degrassi but for inner-city Aussie, and it’s fucking fantastic mate. Not only does it combine the love I have for queer romance but the mild abuse of alcohol and drugs. It’s everything you want in a T.V. Show that doesn’t fuck around in its premise.

You've got a bunch of centralised characters, so at times it's a bit difficult to keep on top of who's who and what trials they’re experiencing. But with Blak representation (Missy, Malakai), Queer representaton (almost all of them), Nuerodiverse (Quinni) and just good old eshay bah – it’s going to be difficult to shake this show of its general relatability. There’s been a comparison to Euphoria, but I’m here to tell you it's nothing of the sort. With a bright aesthetic and subdued approach towards sex and drug use, the show’s main focalpoint isn’t how completely fucked these kids are. There’s a hold for breath, and you’re able to actually digest what's going on as opposed to the complete downward spiral that is Euphoria.

But the characters, just some of the most well-written and diverse kids you’ll see on screen. Sure some of them are insufferable, *ahem* Harper and Spider *ahem*, but I think

that’s what makes it so good. Amerie, the central protagonist, is having a friend breakup with Harper, though it's not as cut and dry as that. The story unfolds throughout the season, with lots of unadulterated sex and the common cunt being thrown in. You’re introduced to some hella dope queer characters, just rounding out some of the diverse roles that are introduced in the newer update. Meaning this is a remake or a continuation of the original Series from the 90’s – but just done a lot better.

Now I won’t spoil anymore of the plot but I will say just go and give it a watch. It’s just one of those shows that you need to experience for yourself to get the full effect of what being a teen is like in current times. I think that the show does lack a bit of refinement in some of the storytelling as it lingers on worthless tripe but scoots of some of the more interesting shit I’d prefer to watch. With such complex characters like Malakai and how Blackfulla are represented, did we really need to see the relationship struggle between Amerie and her Mum? I’m pretty sure they’re going to be fine, let's not waste valuable screen time.

Overall a good watch, but it’s very dramatic thanks to the teen category – so just keep that in mind when you approach it okay? Trust me though, you’ll be quoting shit pretty openly as it's just endlessly entertaining. I woke up and just said “what cunt” to my mate without hesitation, it's great to be back to my Highschool self all over again.

My Boy by Marlon Williams

Music | EIlidh Huggan

My boy, my boy, my boy…you have done it again! Singer/ Songwriter Marlon Williams (Kāi Tahu, Ngāi Tai ki Tāmaki) has released his third solo album, which offers a shift from the velvet country crooning in his first two albums.

This album, instead, gives contemporary 80s nostalgia, a bit of synth, some lovely little sprinklings of te reo Māori, and is overall a dynamic and vivid piece of art. As described on his website, ‘My Boy’ intentionally gives “sonic and emotional whiplash” through the stories of damaged and dysfunctional men: cheaters trying to evade commitment, lecherous guys in your dms, high-functioning cocaine addicts etc. But don’t let that scare you! The album is still a lot of fun. As Marlon has said himself, don’t take the first listen too seriously or place any expectations. Listen to it as you go for a walk, clean your room, or bake some treats for the flatties.

My personal favourites from the record (in no particular order) are: “My Boy”; “Soft Boys Make the Grade”; “Don't Go Back”; and “Morning Crystals”. I hope you like them too!

Viva Las Vengeance

Music | Caitlin Walters-Freke

Y’all remember the emo trilogy? For those who were only five (like me) when that was a trend, the emo trilogy is made up of three bands, My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, and Panic! at the Disco, who were popular for their “emotional rock” music. Back in 2006, these guys were all the rage. They were on the iPods (remember those) of every moody teenager. And now, my favourite band of this bunch have released a brandnew album. Let’s proudly proclaim that “It’s not just a phase, Mom" and say it louder for the people in the back.

Viva Las Vengeance is the seventh album from Panic! at the Disco. It has 12 songs which all have a different sound to them, making the album unique. It tells stories of front man Brendon Urie’s early life in Las Vegas. I adore this album. I am constantly listening to it. Don’t Let the Lights Go Out and Something about Maggie are permanently stuck in my head. God Killed Rock and Roll has been compared to Bohemian Rhapsody (and it does have that style). The only thing that holds it back from being my favourite Panic! album of all time is the song Sugar Soaker. I don’t know why but I don’t like it. I just find it annoying. I don’t love Middle of a Breakup either but it’s growing on me.

Ultimately, I still love the album, flaws and all. If you’re interested, listen to it where music is available.

Don't quote me

“Did anyone record that? Phone crashed !”

- M.I.A. sounding like me when I roast my mate on the fly.

“i dance like a substitute teacher”

- Yung Gravy, much like my dad, finally developing self-actualisation.

“F U Hole”

- Post Malone, post spicy beans and fucking up the porcelain throne.

“Happy Birthday to the Legend @ StephenKing! You are such brilliant writer. Been a fan of your work forever. Keep #Sliving ”

- Paris Hilton just honouring the only Author to exist ever.

Twitter Treading

Golriz Ghahraman Crush of the week

In the past week, Golriz has proven the strength in wāhine toa throughout Aotearoa, taking a stand against violence ongoing through Iran. Not only is she a queen, but she’s just genuinely a kind human with nerves of steel. When we grow up, we want to be as cool as Golriz.

Also, fuck the patriachy and the violence against women.

Caption This Top 10

to follow the

elections

The elected president is going to be the one to make decisions for you and with you. You want someone halfway decent.

You’d be using your right as a student to let your voice be heard. Remember that you can have an opinion on anything in this world.

Be honest, you didn’t know there was an election… or a board. Wtf is a board?

What else are you going to do? Study for exams? Finish assignments? There’ll be time in 3rd year.

Because, for the first time in ages, it could get hella interesting and we’re not mad at that.

You want to be able to see a board make changes that could affect you. We heard murmurs of a maccas? I’m going to fuck up a big mac bro.

It’s less serious and has less of an impact than HCC. Just don’t be so serious.

Some of those candidates have some interesting shit to say, so why not loan some time.

Just do it.

Because fuck taking life to seriously, sometimes having a laugh and letting someone chill respresent you is the best option.

When your Mum tells you to go change

Jefree Starr went off the fucking rails

SNAPPED SNAPPED

SNAPPED SNAPPED

Here's a look at some of our winners over 2022. We'll be selecting a winner of winners to win another winner prize. Say winner a gain. Winner

Libra: September 23 — October 22 You tend to avoid conflict, so you just go about your life. You end up dying at a party and nobody notices until the final girl sees you, lol.

Scorpio: October 23 — November 21 You’re a popular survivor until the sequel, and then it’s your time to shine; you’re the true mastermind. Leo’s vanity was easy to manipulate.

Sagittarius: November 22 — December 21

At the party near the movie ending, you try to gain everyone’s attention when they split up. You’re too loud and the killer finds you.

Capricorn: December 22 — January 19 You’re the principal who gets a little too close to the final girl in some scenes, and ends up getting shanked at the school.

Aquarius: January 20 — February 18 You fetishize personal freedom so you definitely go off on your own and end up dying in a dumber way than Gemini.

Pisces: February 19 — March 20 You’re pretty nonchalant, but ridiculously intelligent. You’re a suspect for knowing too much about the killer’s motives. In reality, you just watch too many movies.

Aries: March 21 — April 19 You break all the rules. You’re impulsive, impatient, and hotheaded. You’ll last a while, and then walk straight into danger. Maybe don’t follow strange noises?

Taurus: April 20 — May 20 You’re no final girl, but you escape death. Being the main character isn’t everything to you, and your scepticism keeps you alive… until the sequel.

Gemini: May 21 — June 20 You’re the ditzy best friend who’s also the comedic relief. You’re not dumb, but your death is. Don’t try to go through the cat door.

Cancer: June 21 — July 22 You’re sensitive; all the death and killing will really get to you. You’ll end up losing your mind and then run straight into a trap.

Leo: July 21 — August 22 The killer. You want to be the centre of the universe so badly that you would thrive off of the attention. Infamy is your destiny.

Virgo: August 23 — September 22 Wrote this last… does that make you the final girl? No. You’re the dumbass who has sex and then dies. Don’t you know the rules?

Printing

Kinda Easy Bruh

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