Sick of getting yourself o? Let us give you a hand. Sign up for Blind Date. Each week we’ve got $100 to send two lonely lovebirds to House on Hood, email editor@nexusmag.co.nz and let our matchmakers do the rest.
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Editorial FOMO News Easy News Horoscopes Entertainment Reviews Kim’s Comments Pass the Aux
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Auteur House Centrefold Feature: The New Super Rich This vs. That Photography by Javi Wilde Full Exposure: Jeremy Wells The Crowd Goes Mild Waikat’ Flats Sporting Goods Bachelor of Being Broke Blind Date Snapped Puzzles
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Nexus Issue 4 19th - 23rd March 2018 Editor: Lyam Buchanan, editor@nexusmag.co.nz Design: Vincent Owen, design@nexusmag.co.nz Managing Editor: James Raffan, james@wsu.org.nz
Cover photography: Vincent Owen Instagram: @vincentowwen
Contributors: Alexander Nebesky, Jennie-Louise Kendrick, Grace Mitchell, Nicola Smith, Candra Pullon, Kim Sare, Kaitlin Stewart, Emily Reid, Conor Maxwell, Archie Porter, Makayla Wallace-Tidd, CJ Lee, Jacqui Swney, Richard Swainson, Cameron McRobie, and the tenants of Mighty Mags.
Horoscope Illustrations: Josh Nelson Instagram: @joshprobably Twitter: @joshDrawbably
Centrefold: Javi Wilde Instagram: @binx.film
Design Interns: Patrick Knights, Ray Puri, Isaac Wohlers and Madison MacInnes
EDITORIAL EDITORIAL
Sweeping Statements, with Huge Shitbag Lyam Buchanan I’m genuinely starting to wonder if I am the dumbest person in the office. Last week, my boss was quoting Shakespeare, while others were talking about Monty Python, Marilyn Monroe, Jack Kerouac, and the Three Musketeers— none of that shit meant anything to me. To top it off, The Strokes, a band with maybe two decent songs to their name, have proceeded to tell me that I’m culturally brainwashed for liking Ed Sheeran. As a result, I feel that this is the perfect opportunity to make a sweeping statement of my own: pop culture is shit. Not so much when you’re experiencing it first hand, but more so when it’s dwelled on for a little too long. If you’re an avid fan of whatever is happening at the time, that’s sweet. If you’re obsessed with whatever happened way back when, that’s also sweet. It’s when you’re unable to mesh the two together that it becomes shit. As someone who obviously wasn’t around in the glory days of Monty Python, or other revered reference points, I struggle to see how people became so entranced by them, to the point where they can still pull out perfect quotes on cue. Let alone where they found the time during their own adolescence to also relive the adolescence of their parents. It’s similar to that whole “don’t experience life through a screen” mentality; the cliche of not capturing everything in favour of experiencing it first hand. Except more of “don’t experience life through the past”. As much as it’s important to look back, it’s better to just take it in and get on with it. Given the option to go back, I’d forever choose to spend my pre-teen years getting somewhat stepped out while loitering around a mall, rather than sitting at home studying some bullshit ‘80s sitcom in the hope that I’d one day be able to quote it like a big ol’ brain box. Maybe The Strokes are right; maybe I’m just unknowingly jaded from a lack of context as I’m only experiencing what was happening as they happened. Either way, the point still stands. Finally, as per the request of our adored Senior Deputy Vice-Chancellor Alister Jhones, I’ll finish this off with a very formal apology. On behalf of Nexus, we’re sincerely sorry for misspelling your name when we referred to the recent drive by egging you were victim to. We also send our deepest condolences after hearing the news that your fancy suit remains ruined, even after having it dry cleaned three times. We’re more than happy to repurpose it if you’re looking for someone to take it off your hands; just keep an eye out for our upcoming investigation where we’ll track down the perpetrator of this horrific attack.
– Lyam 1
SAN’s Camping at Papa Aroha | Friday 23rd March
Get amongst SAN’s first overnight event of the year! Join the board on a two night camping trip at Papa Aroha in the Coromandel. Come along for the ultimate ‘Kiwi Summer’ experience in the small beach town. We’ll be camping, swimming, fishing, snorkelling and a whole lot more. For more details jump on Facebook and check us out at ‘Study Abroad Network’.
Get your fitness sorted for 2018
UniRec’s popular A+B Semester Membership is back for 2018! For only $360, get a student membership that is designed specifically for your lifestyle. For more information, visit the friendly staff at reception or buy online. Available until 31 March 2018, terms & conditions apply.
Balloons over Waikato 2018 | Saturday 24th March | 4pm-9pm
The Zuru Nightglow at the University of Waikato is back better than ever this year as part of the Balloons over Waikato Festival. Bring a picnic, blanket or chairs and listen to local bands entertain you leading up to the hot air balloon glow show, followed by Hamilton’s biggest fireworks extravaganza to top it all off.
Women: not small men
Whether you’re a high performance athlete or just getting started at the gym, come along to our new series of athlete development sessions. The third session ‘Women are not small men: Sex differences in physiology, training, and adaptations’ will be held this Wednesday 21st March, 1.10 - 2pm in L.G.03. 2
Spend one week in Bangkok
Registrations are now open for compassionate student leaders to join us at the University Scholars Leadership Symposium in Bangkok this year. For more information or to register, visit www.universityscholars.org.uk/.
Employer visits on campus
This week we have visits from Fonterra and Countdown. Visit MyCareer – Events – Employer Visits for more information and to RSVP, through the Careers webpage: www.waikato.ac.nz/students/careers/
Studying late at night?
The Level 2 computer lab in the Student Centre is available to use 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You’ll need to get after-hours access enabled on your ID card - talk to the staff at the Level 2 Library Enquiries desk for more information and to collect an authorisation form.
Keen to get involved?
Eco Emporium, the University’s sustainability space, is always looking for more volunteers. If you would like to volunteer, or want more information, please contact samantha.rose@waikato.ac.nz or visit facebook.com/EcoCampusWaikato/.
MONXX (UK) at Back Bar | Saturday 28th April | 10pm-3am
MONXX is a riddim specialist who first stepped on stage with Herobust at EDC in 2017, since then the industry has watched as his career has skyrocketed. Check him out at Back Bar for his first time in New Zealand on the Stay Wonky World Tour.
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EXPROPRIATION WITHOUT CONSENT: The Great South African Land Grab ALEXANDER NEBESKY The end of February saw South Africa’s parliament pass a motion to consider an amendment to the nation’s constitution; this would allow for the expropriation of farmland owned by white farmers without compensation by a margin of 241 votes for, 83 against. The amendment, should it be passed, would apparently see unused or fallow land redistributed by the state to black South African farmers. South African president, Cyril Ramaphosa, stated that land transfer would become a key issue for his party, the African National Congress (ANC) in the 2019 election. With support from the Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF), the motion had the requisite numbers in parliament to pass. A similar motion towards land reform was defeated in parliament in 2017, a year before the current motion was passed. At a rally in Soweto in February, EFF leader Julius Malema said: “We don’t back whites, we don’t care about their feelings. They’ve made us suffer for a very long time. It’s our turn now. They must be happy we are not beating them up. They must be happy we are not calling for a genocide… We are exercising our political power. It is more hurtful, more painful than a gun. It is more painful than a spear. We hurt you, and we take from you without a drop of blood”. The motion is opposed by the Democratic Alliance (DA) on the grounds that it would undermine property rights and ultimately result in scaring away potential investment in the country. Leader of the DA, Mmusi Maimane said last week: “Expropriation without compensation is statesanctioned theft‚ which is inimical to economic growth and development… We regard the attempt to amend the constitution as nothing but a populist
effort to scapegoat the constitution for the failure of the ANC‚ over twenty years‚ to reform land ownership”. “We reject the hate-filled racist undertones employed by the EFF and the ANC in this debate‚ which seeks to divide the country according to race for narrow political ends‚ and which seeks to delegitimize those who disagree”. South Africa’s rampant inequality runs along racial lines, with unemployment hovering at 25%, and ownership of land skewed towards white South Africans. White South Africans own something in the region of 26% of rural land and 11% of urban land according to a Land Audit report published by the Department of Rural Development and Land Reform, despite making up only 9% of the country’s overall population. Poorer black South Africans, 79% of the overall population, directly own 1.2% of rural land and 7% of urban property according to the same report. The Constitutional Committee charged with reviewing the suggested constitutional amendments is expected to report back by August of this year. Meanwhile, the subject of land reform has become a passionate topic of political debate including notions of property rights, race-relations, social justice, and economic ramifications. South Africa’s history of racial apartheid had seen black South Africans forcefully dispossessed of their land and forced into poverty. The 1913 Land Act restricted black land ownership to reserves, while the majority of land in South Africa was open for settlement by European Colonists. The South African Constitution protects property rights and requires compensation should property be repossessed, and in an effort to ensure peaceful land reform, the ANC had originally been supportive of a “willing seller, willing buyer” model of land reform when it came to the repossession of land. On top of 5
this were strategies of restitution for those whose land rights were nullified by the 1913 Act, and support of tenured farmers. According to a report by the Institute for Poverty, Land, and Agrarian Studies (PLAAS), attempts at reshaping the land ownership demographics in South Africa, and establishing effective black-owned farms had failed up to 90% of the time on account of government mismanagement, lack of postsettlement support for farmers, lack of requisite skills for farming, poor planning, and community infighting. These failures, as well as comparisons to land reform in Zimbabwe which famously destroyed the economy of that country, have worried investors and economists who see attempts at forceful land expropriation as potentially resulting in the same catastrophic failures in South Africa. Chief executive Omri van Zyl of AgriSA, a South African farming group, said “Farmers are uncertain and asking if they should invest. Why would you invest if someone is just going to take it?” Economist Dawie Roodt, a well known South African financial expert, stated: “If anything is stolen by anyone, then it must be returned. That is the state’s job. But you cannot further discriminate in the process.
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The state must be careful when handling assets and ensuring that people are not deprived”. In an effort to assuage such fears, Malema clarified his position by stating: “If you are a farmer and you have lost ownership of the land to the state, then the portion of the farm you are using to produce whatever you are producing should continue uninterrupted. [But] idling parts of the farm ... should be reallocated to someone else who will use it for production.” However, under the EFF’s proposal - in line with their Marxist-Leninist tradition - no land would be owned directly by any farmers, regardless of race; rather, it would be owned by the state who would distribute it to those wanting to work. The ANC Minister for International Relations and Cooperation, Lindiwe Sisulu stated earlier this month: “The President has already said in Parliament and in a number of public platforms whilst addressing various stakeholders that there is no need to panic; that the matter is being handled properly for the benefit of all South Africans; that views and concerns of all South African stakeholders will be considered during the Parliamentary processes and that Parliament will take a decision for the benefit of all South Africans”.
Sums on the Summer Summary LYAM BUCHANAN NIWA has now confirmed what each of your overly moistened flatmates have been complaining about for the past 3 months; the Summer of 2017-18 has now been officially recognised as New Zealand’s hottest on record. The average nationwide temperature for the past summer has sat 2.1°C above the 1981-2010 average, with January 2018 being recognised as our hottest month ever, producing an average 3.1°C higher than all previous records dating back to 1909. Local residents have described this weather as “bullshit,” “not ok” and “the absolute worst,” some even going as far to personally call out the smothering humidity, proclaiming that the everpresent water vapour should not only “get fucked” but also stop ruining the lives of those within it. Reports have also shown that multiple flats have resorted to extreme measures, such as utilising their heat pumps for air conditioning and wearing the absolute bare minimum at all times. This weather has been blamed on a combination of high sea surface temperatures and increased frequency of northerly winds, with a few experts proclaiming it’s the result of some fancy ‘climate pattern phenomenon’ known as La Niña. In order to really get the grips of what we’re dealing with here, we talked to Associate Professor of Earth Sciences, David Campbell, who shared some insight on our rather sweaty summer.
NEXUS: NIWA has recently confirmed that the 2017-18 summer has been NZ’s hottest on record. Is this a trend we can expect more of? DC: Yes, it’s been a very hot one, with January in particular breaking heat records for many parts of NZ. Yes, with the global climate warming we can expect to see warmth records being broken in future, but it might be a long time before the 2017-18 summer records are equalled or beaten again. That’s because a number of factors appear to have conspired to push the temperatures particularly high last summer. NEXUS: Articles have referred to this as a ‘coincidental combination of the marine heatwave and La Niña.’ Is this true? Or are we beginning to face the fuller force of global warming? DC: Yes, climate scientists suggest that a sequence of weather systems and air masses affecting the NZ region led to higher than normal sea surface temperatures that contributed to the warmth on-land. Yes, La Niña conditions generally bring warmer northerly and northeasterly winds. It is very difficult to attribute particular weather events or even a sequence of weather events to global warming. However, it is certainly true that under a warming climate it is much more likely that warmth records will be broken than cold records. For instance, even though we have heard a lot about the freezing temperatures over Europe and parts of North America over the past few months, large parts of the Arctic have been experiencing record high temperatures.
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Highlights: NEXUS: What effect does this increased temperature have on our environment? Should we be expecting our agricultural sector to take a hit? DC: “Climate” includes a lot more than just temperature. For instance, large parts of our ag. sector are totally reliant on rainfall, which is a climate-driven process. NZ’s agricultural sector is generally quite adaptable because our weather is highly changeable anyway. Floods and droughts are “normal” extreme events that significantly affect agriculture and the NZ economy overall. The concern is that if the frequency of these extreme events increases, they can add a massive burden to farmers struggling to cope financially. Other impacts of warming will be the movement of subtropical pest plants and insects southwards, and some regions might not be able to grow crops that rely on frosts to set fruit or kill pests. Some regions will lose and others might gain. A growing issue is coastal inundation causing erosion, damaged infrastructure and salt water damage to soils and groundwater. The probability of extreme coastal inundation events increases massively as sea levels rise, as pointed out by the Parliamentary Commissioner for the Environment in a report published in 2015. In our region, the lower Hauraki Plains and the Edgecombe/Rangitaiki Plains are agricultural areas that are especially vulnerable. NEXUS: Should we be worried? Or should we just get accustomed to being a little more sweaty? DC: A problem as big as global climate change often seems overwhelming. Yes it is worrying - we should all be taking individual actions to reduce our impacts on the planet. A few less overseas jaunts in greenhouse gas-spewing aircraft, fewer trips to campus in your own car (bike-walk-bus!), and maybe less emphasis on a meat-based diet. It all adds up. As a nation, we need to start taking climate change into account for a whole lot of things that affect our lives which might not always be most convenient or cheap. In terms of adapting to the effects of climate change and sea level rise, we are going to have to get engaged in tough conversations and decision making that might mean we give up some areas of land and infrastructure.
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Of the six main centres in summer 2017-18.
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Auckland was the warmest
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Dunedin was the coolest and driest
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Wellington was the sunniest
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Hamilton was the wettest and least sunny The highest temperature was 38.7°C, observed at Alexandra on 30 January The temperature of sea waters surrounding New Zealand increased by 2.0°C
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(News in Numbers)
• $5,500 could be the price of your future home. An American startup is looking to solve your housing woes by 3D printing entire properties. • 13 people have been hospitalised, including a 15-year-old, after taking MDMA variant brown sugar. • 118 gender-bias complaints have been filed by female Microsoft workers within 7 years, however Microsoft finds only one was “founded”. • At least 19,450km were travelled by a message in a bottle which was released in Whangarei and recently ended up in Spain. • 3,933 sparkle emojis have been used by the WSU and Nexus Facebook pages within the last 3 months.
HP Envy x2 RRP TBC
This ‘always on PC’ is going to revolutionise the world of computing thanks to a X86 emulation on a snapdragon processor. In english, this means your next laptop could be powered by the same type of chip that runs your phone, allowing it to run for two weeks on a single charge and be significantly cheaper than ever before. Why should you buy this? • It’s what’s next. • It’s evolution. Why shouldn’t you buy this? • It’s so new that nobody knows the limitations, or reality of it yet. • It won’t be on a Mac OS.
• Only 3 weeks left until teaching recess kicks off.
• A debate regarding beach nudity heats up on Waiheke Island, residents argue that swimming naked makes them feel “more connected to the ocean” while others aren’t so impressed. • Russia has warned Britain not to ‘threaten a nuclear power’ after they refused to meet a midnight deadline for explaining the recent poisoning of a double agent. UK Prime Minister Theresa May has now been put under pressure to hit Russia with sanctions, expel diplomats and take further measures. • A salesman accidentally called a customer a ‘fuckwit’ on the phone after apparently thinking he had already hung up.
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Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) It’s looking pretty plain up there; no retrograde, no alignments, not even a solar flare. What the fuck did you do to receive silent treatment from the entire Zodiac? It’s advised to check your pulse fairly regularly.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22) Soft lullabies tickle your earlobes; a beautiful melody sends you into trance. It’s at this point you need to stop microdosing - psychedelics might be useful in Silicon Valley but here, you’re just a bit of a schizophrenic.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20) You don’t abide by the brains over brawn, nor brawn over brains philosophies, with you - it’s more like ego over everything. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to become a local celebrity, but sleeping with the entirety of College Hall isn’t the way to do it.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) You’re a sought-after commodity; a pure heart ready to impart its wisdom. It’s a shame your narcissistic tendencies prevent anyone from willingly interacting with you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) You must love yourself before expecting others to do the same, though just because you love yourself doesn’t mean anyone has to. Cancer (June 21-July 22) A graceful being, a delicate entity gliding day to day. You’re truly gorgeous. Except for the mangled keratin on top your phalanges. Stop biting your fucking fingernails. Leo (July 23-Aug 22) You’re a sweetie, a truly tasty treat. Take great care amongst delightful flora, your sizeable eyebrow to hairline surface area leaves you a vulnerable target for disgruntled bees. Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) A changing tide lays waste to your insecurities; you feel refreshed. Yet without these inane fears comes a loss of purpose. Worry not, in about six and a half hours, the cycle continues, back with many more in tow.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Do not trust the media; their propaganda has infected society. Do not conform to the lie they call ‘recycling’, instead gather your wastes and feed them to the waterways; the kahawai require their sustenance. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) A distant planetary alignment causes increased personal lubrication. You’ll find it easier to function in social situations, but at a great cost to your general mobility. Take stairs with ease and avoid linoleum at all costs. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Pheromones linger among the initial breathes of Autumn. It’s blatantly clear how desperately you crave their attention; you blush at just the thought. It’s cute, at least to everyone except them... Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) Dignity has never been your strong suit, and sadly, the quiet evenings of late March will bring no resolution. You may never experience true self-worth, but at least you can never miss what you never have. 11
Crush of the Week: Nick ‘Honey Badger’ Cummins
What’s Hot:
It’s been confirmed that former Wallabies star, the Honey Badger himself, will be Australia’s next star on the Bachelor. With a bod that ripped and classic Aussie humour to boot, no doubt every lass Down Under will be clawing at the opportunity to get her mitts on the Badge. There’s the small issue that contestants may not be able to understand him with that twang and his incoherent lines, but he’s the face of an underwear brand (or ‘grunders,’ as he’d say), for crying out loud. Holy tomorrow. How good?
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A well-timed tactical
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Lolly cake, how good!
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Fishing your phone out of a portaloo
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Feeling rich (Cheers Jacinda)
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Mike McRoberts
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Paula Bennett’s rippling forearms attached to a 100 keg fish
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Not waking up in a gutter after St Paddy’s Day
Clickbait Moodboard: Theme: The precise moment you realise that you fucked up.
What’s Not:
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Toe rings
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Noise control
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Dropping your phone in a portaloo
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Remembering One Direction broke up
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Cavities
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Being bullied for your lack of interest in pop culture
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Navigating TT Block for the first time
TOP 10: Reasons to Shut Down the ACT Youth Camps Group Member Gives Great Impression After Triple Checking They’re Not Working with ‘Snowflakes’
“Fuck, I’m glad I ended up with you bunch instead of those politically correct wankers. I swear they just don’t have a sense of humor, aye?” Problematic BMS student proves to be worthless before even beginning group assignment.
Recreational Vaper Not Dependent on Nicotine
“I only bumped it up to 6mg to try this new flavour. Besides, I only vape for the sweet clouds, they’re classic!” Comp Sci socialite Darrel, 21, confirms he’s in fact not addicted to vaping and assures it’s just ‘harmless fun’.
Beginning the Fourth Year of a Three Year Degree Confirmed to Destroy All Self Worth
While no one at Nexus or across the political spectrum is laughing at the recent revelations in the news about sexual abuse at a Labour Party camp, we were a little shocked to hear ACT Leader David Seymour say his party had not held residential youth camps for years, partly because it had become an increasing liability to do so. 1.
Because discussions regarding ‘marginal tax rate’ was causing certain camp attendees to get a little too excited. 2. We’re assuming there’s not actually enough interest to warrant running an ACT youth camp; most of those who qualify would either be on an international holiday or busy checking out their step dad’s new Ponsonby abode. 3. Rumor has it that someone once dared to bring wine from a cardboard box, they were never heard from again. 4. Seymour reportedly threw a tantrum after ‘idealistic youth’ started to ask if we should “Consider the environment”. 5. The last camp that was held was too close to a middle class suburb and Seymour could smell the poverty. 6. Like the party itself, people were having trouble understanding the camp or any reason for it to exist. 7. ACT youth struggled to park each of their yachts in the same marina. 8. The entire camp lost about 3 hours when someone asked “What about the poor?” and they couldn’t stop laughing. 9. A fight broke out when one of the two girls found out the other one was still using the Galaxy S8… “like she was was from the third world”. 10. After listening to David Seymour talk for over an hour, everyone involved was convinced they needed euthanasia.
“What choices have led me here; why must I be like this”, academic disgrace enters endless spiral of self pity and regret after realising they probably/definitely should’ve graduated by now. 13
Video Game
Single
‘INJUSTICE 2’ – NEVERREALM STUDIOS REVIEW: CONOR MAXWELL
‘DIVE’ – BEACH HOUSE REVIEW: ARCHIE PORTER
The characters behind everyone’s least favourite superhero movie franchise are back in what may be one of the best superhero video games of all time, Injustice 2. Following on from the events of the first game, Earth is still reeling from Superman’s failed regime when a brand new threat arises. I’m not going to spoil the bad guy’s name, but let’s just say he’s incredibly smart. For a fighting game franchise, the Injustice games have unique story modes, with the first game turning Superman into a villain and killing off iconic villains the Joker and Lex Luthor. Injustice 2 is unfortunately less surprising than its predecessor, but the inclusion of new characters such as Supergirl, Blue Beetle and Firestorm keeps things fresh and interesting. Injustice 2’s biggest triumph is in the gear system, which allows for endless combinations of costume items to be equipped, shaping both the appearance and overall performance of your favourite heroes. Now, you don’t necessarily have to be skilled to win at the game—you can just equip Poison Ivy with high-level armour and then kiss people to death. Finally, almost a year after its release, Neverrealm are still releasing DLC characters for this game, expanding the roster with the likes of Hellboy, Mortal Kombat’s Sub-Zero and Renaissance painter Leonardo Da Vinci. I could go on all day about this game, but I’m worried I wouldn’t do it… justice. A mic drops. The crowd applauds.
‘Dive’ is the latest single from Beach House, released ahead of their upcoming album 7. The main criticism of Beach House that I have seen is that much of the duo’s music “sounds the same”, that their music never really changes or tries anything new. With ‘Dive’, and the previously released single ‘Lemon Glow’, it seems that Beach House are trying to combat this criticism with their upcoming record. The first half of the track is a slow, crooning, organ-led, pop ballad; smooth guitars drenched in reverb hum in the distance under Victoria Legrand’s somber vocals. This section of the song does not seem particularly different from the rest of their work, yet it plays with a strange sense of tension. Halfway through the track, the song transitions into potentially the band’s heaviest and greatest departure yet; evolving from their self-imposed restraints into something darker and grittier – a welcome change from their usually blissful, dreampop. The drums pick up and propel the song forward, as the guitar grows into a menacing riff, deeper and more threatening than its usual tone. Seven albums into their discography, it appears as though Beach House are shedding their skin, taking steps towards a new, fresher sound without losing touch of what made the duo’s music work in the first place.
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Theatre
EP
‘TWELVE ANGRY MEN’ – GASLIGHT THEATRE REVIEW: MAKAYLA WALLACE-TIDD
‘GERMAN ENGINEERING’ – VIRTUAL RIOT REVIEW: CJ LEE
Based on the 1957 film, Twelve Angry Men is a play full of emotion and controversial content, using simple staging and lighting that engages your eye. The vision of the director, Tracey Barlow, was clearly to modernize the performance, which she executed with the addition of female characters. This choice adds a variety to the casting and makes the characters more relatable to the female audience. The lighting was an amazing guide of where to direct your attention. It was kept simple, using only warm lighting and a bright white spotlight, however, it would’ve been nice to have seen a little more range in the lighting choices. The sound used was a lot of environmental noises such as rain and traffic. The levels were perfectly adjusted to each cast members’ voices and it was incredibly realistic. However, using a voice over just didn’t quite tick the box for me, I would have preferred a different approach, such as showing the judge on stage or switching that dialogue to the guard’s character. Nevertheless, there were definitely some standout performers in this show. Juror 10, played by Tony Smith gave a strong performance and portrayed a man that is relentless and has his mind made up. On the other hand, Juror 11 played by Petrus Rijkers, gave a soft and gentle performance filled with relatable line delivery and wonderful use of body language. Overall, the show was an excellent watch. All elements including set, costume, director’s visions and lighting/sound came together to create a great performance. Tracey Barlow truly pulled together a brilliant show that was engaging and thought provoking.
Yes, dubstep is still alive and kicking, even after you left it alongside with the dreams of making a viral Call of Duty montage. German Engineering was released on January 31 under the legendary Disciple label, and oh my, has it already made waves around the bass clubs in town. This EP consists of seven songs; the majority of which are Virtual Riot’s signature wub wubs/riddim, with the tracks ‘Pray For Riddim’ and ‘Chop Chop’ having by far the biggest impact on the scene. Looking at how much love these two songs are getting now, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that they’ll become bass club bangers in no time, right up there with ‘The Wonky Song’ by Monxx and ‘Throwin’ Elbows’ by the absolute daddy, Excision. This solo project just keeps on giving; aside from the filthy tracks themselves, the constant sample of phrases from Team Fortress 2 providing, not only grounding, but a truly touching story. Let’s keep it short and sweet, these heavy tunes are certified to even get Vivaldi sweaty in a mosh. “Once upon a time you died and I lived happily ever after. The End.”
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KIM SARE So last September our great nation acquired a new government, led by the iconic Jacinda Ardern. You probably all know this unless you live under a rock or don’t have any social media accounts, since it’s been everywhere for a few months now. Recently Labour achieved the milestone of governing its first 100 days, and Bill English departed from parliament forever after nearly 30 years, leaving National to deal with the issue of “generational change.” So, since this new government is causing a bit of a shakeup in our small little country of Aotearoa (sorry @ all the baby boomers/sexists, our Prime Minister is a woman now), why not review the characters that’ll be running loose in the Beehive for the next three years?
Jacinda Ardern
young and New Zealand’s new Aunty Helen, the e Minister Prim new beautiful Jacinda, is first on our list. Our showing them that is an idol for little girls to look up to, young men all they too can be powerful. On top of this, by being able nism femi around our country can solidify their to mention Not to proclaim that they voted for a woman. r by being pregnant that she’s blowing us all out of the wate “just pregnant, not and still working?! In her words, she’s incredible. it’s of, incapacitated.” Absolutely unheard
Winston Peters
Of course, good old Winnie is in the next spot, seeing as the entire decision res ted in his small, 7% wi nning hands. At the ripe age of 72 and wi th early onset dementi a, Mr Peters is most certainly New Zeala nd’s best kingmaker. With his constant switching from left to right on the spectr um , and leaving NZ virtually governmen t-less for a month, he’s sure to be loved across the board. Oh yeah, and he’s mana ged to snag himself the top job when Mi ss Ardern excuses he rse lf to have a child. Sneaky bugger. 16
James Shaw
Next up is James Shaw, ever yone’s favourite greenie (maybe not). The poor man, all he wants to do is love the environment and actually have a voice in Parliament. However , with Winnie at the top, he’ll prob ably just return to riding bikes and driving electric cars around the capital. It’s okay though, because they provide confide nce and supply to the actual governing parties. Winning, righ t?
Simon Bridges
Simon Bridges is the new kid on the block. It was definitely a tough fight between him and whoever else was running for candidacy, but Mr Bridges managed to win the highly acclaimed leadership of the National Party. Congratulations to him! Now he has to cope with the combination of winning over those who love Bill English, dealing with those who hate anything National party at all, and Winston Peters. Here’s to you, Simon, may God help you through the shambles that is being opposition leader.
David Seymour
Last, and kind of least, is David Se ymour. The onehimself, Mr Seym man-show our’s party rake d in 0. 5% of the elect but managed to ion vote make it into Parli ament by being man in Epsom. W the most loved hile being pretty much powerless theft’ mantra se , his ‘taxation is ems to be pickin g up support, so the next few ye wh o knows where ars will take him ? Everyone know who don’t care s th at teenagers about politics, or anything else re more than a go al ly, love nothing od meme – perh aps Dave is in wi next Prime Minist th a shot as the er. He also prov ides wonderful recommend you snapchats, and all add him – db I s83, you’re welco me. 17
Don’t Pass the Aux JACQUI SWNEY This week’s playlist consists of songs that you should absolutely never put on the aux unless your sole desire in life is to be booed off and kicked out of the party. This week’s playlist serves as a warning to all; a well-thought-out list of songs to keep you out of trouble. Conversely, this week’s playlist could be the most well-thought-out list of bangers that I’ve ever put together. It’s really up to you to decide. 1. I’LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU BY THE CAST OF
There are plenty of fantastic Disney songs out there. I could do a whole playlist dedicated to only the Moana soundtrack if I knew the people wanted it. But Mulan absolutely slays in any given situation; I first became addicted to the smooth listening of Mulan while supervising groups of toddlers at a trampoline park, and I’ve been loyal ever since. 2. YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME BY BON JOVI: If this 80’s classic doesn’t have you jumping at the opportunity to butcher the karaoke machine, then your parents haven’t raised you right. Bon Jovi gives me flashbacks to my 10 year old self and the Barbie Karaoke machine my mom got me, along with the large array of CDs that went with it. I was spoon fed shit like Bon Jovi, Cher, and Abba from a young age, and I have yet decide if the impact was positive or negative. Either way, the opening line has me shouting “SHOT THROUGH THE HEART” with more enthusiasm than a kid in a candy shop. MULAN:
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3. DOWN UNDER BY MEN AT WORK: Staying true to the 80’s classics, Men at Work and their notorious use of the flute have created a song all about how great it is to come from the land down under. They are referring to Aussie, and while we can all vouch that Kiwis reside on the true land down under, I can appreciate the sense of nationalism this song brings to the table. Guaranteed to start a sing-along or a weird dance circle. 4. CORN ON THE FLOOR BY THE SHAMBLÉS: The Shamblés have created possibly the WORST song in the history of the world. It’s completely confusing. There’s a constant repetition about corn, which could be some code word for some weird new drug, who can really know. But there’s corn on the floor and he sees it and he also sees a girl (presumably), and in the process a corn-worshipping cult is formed. All I know is this song is terrible, but manages to repeat over and over again in your head, like any terrible song does. 5. ON THE RARK BY MACHETE CLAN: I hope each and every one of you gets on the rark on a weekly basis. Don’t know what that means? Machete Clan explain it in the easiest possible terms. By no means do I recommend following their dangerous rark cycle, but a four day bender never hurt anyone, so give it a go.
AUTEUR HOUSE Lewis Gilbert (1920-2018) RICHARD SWAINSON Director Lewis Gilbert died on February 23rd. Less an auteur than a capable craftsman and storyteller, during a 55 year career Gilbert was nevertheless responsible for a handful of minor British classics. Alfie (1966), the tale of a lonely philander, is perhaps his best remembered work. The title part proved a breakthrough role for Michael Caine. Unusually frank in its depiction of sex and its consequences, with an abortion scene that still packs a punch, the manner in which Alfie directly addressed the camera - breaking the ‘fourth wall’ - was an innovation that went beyond mere gimmickry. To a wider public, Gilbert was known for the three James Bond films he directed. Unfortunately two of these – You Only Live Twice (1967) and Moonraker (1979) – are lesser entries in the franchise, respectively marking the end of Sean Connery’s initial stint as the character and a low point in Roger Moore’s tenure. Much better was The Spy Who Loved Me (1977), arguably one of two half decent Moore efforts, featuring the memorable henchman “Jaws” (the simply enormous Richard Kiel) and an interesting female foil in Barbara Bach (the future Mrs Ringo Starr). Ironically enough, given the misogynistic reputation of all of these films, Gilbert was also a renowned director of women and women’s stories. Educating Rita (1983) might have gained Michael Caine his second Gilbert-directed Oscar nomination, but it was really Julie Waters’ film, the tale of a working class house wife who comes to tertiary study late. Shirley Valentine
(1989) was a similarly themed exercise in “female liberation”, with Pauline Collins discovering ouzo and romance in the Greek islands. In the 1950s, Gilbert was a jack of all trades filmmaker who enjoyed success with a couple of World War II biopics - Douglas Bader in Reach for the Sky (1955), Violette Bushell in Carve Her Name With Pride (1958) - and demonstrating slightly less consistency with comedy, coming badly unstuck with the Orson Welles’ vehicle Ferry to Hong Kong (1959) but succeeding with an adaptation of J.M. Barrie in the witty class satire, The Admirable Crichton (1957). Still more versatility was seen in the maritime adventure films Sink the Bismarck! (1960) and Damn the Defiant (1963). Auteur House also stocks two of Gilbert’s lesser known efforts, the 1954 British film noir The Good Die Young (1954) featuring an outstanding, all star cast, and Haunted (1995), a not entirely negligible first attempt at horror from the then 75 year old veteran.
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If there’s one thing that’s possessed people throughout history, it’s having M-O-N-E-Y. Being super rich; having fame, glamour, and capital excess has long been the ultimate desire. The mention of names like Rockefeller, Gates, Arnault, or Ronaldo immediately evokes a sense of grandeur, success, and – ultimately – people or companies who are really. Fucking. Rich. Extreme wealth has always existed throughout time. But something is changing; income inequality is increasing, and that upper class of people who fit in the ‘super-rich’ category is swelling in size. What was once limited to a rare few is now increasingly common, with more millionaires and billionaires in the making every day. Reports have found that the number of millionaires in NZ is double what they were ten years ago, and are still on the rise (#aspirations #oneday). Back in ’92, the wealth of everyone on the Forbes 400 list (of the top 400 richest Americans) totalled 300 billion dollars. Now, that number has increased exponentially to a hearty 1.7 trillion. In previous times it took a respectably long time to earn anywhere close to that kind of green, but today, that millionaire (or even billionaire) status can be reached quicker than ever before. In the fast-paced, modern world we live in, globalisation and the birth of technology has – among other political factors – been responsible for spurring this surge in super-rich entrepreneurial types. Back before colour television and women wearing pants, it took much longer to grow the popularity of your business. Marketing was primarily word-of-mouth, signage
and the occasional ad in a newspaper - or more directly, just yelling at people in the street to buy your shit. However, in the 21st century, any business has the ability to access a global interface virtually instantaneously (a.k.a, much less yelling required). By using a computer or phone, you can tap into the consciousness of millions of people across the globe to share your business with - and a scroll through any social media feed will prove this. How many businesses do you have on there, which you never would’ve otherwise known about? How many became cult brands purely due to their social media usage? This is all a relatively new phenomenon, and as a result, if you’re smart, lucky, and know how to work it, you can get rich quick. So, wanna know how a person gets this crazy rich? It’s not too much of a secret. It’s a combination of luck, taking risks and offering solutions to gaps in the market. A TED Salon talk held in New York a few years back, by the self-proclaimed ‘plutocrat’ Nick Hanaeuer offers some insight. He got wealthy by investing in, founding or co-founding numerous companies; one of which was sold to Microsoft for a whopping 6.4 billion dollars. Even he 23
admits that he’s been “rewarded obscenely” for his successes, with “multiple homes, a yacht, my own plane, etc., etc.” But really, how did he do this? Well, Hanaeuer puts it down to “spectacular luck; of birth, of circumstance and of timing,” yet also reveals he has “an unusually high tolerance for risk,” and “a good intuition about what will happen in the future,” which appears to be the essence of great entrepreneurship. So there – maybe, aside from luck, it’s some unnatural mental blockage; a genetic tendency to take risks, which results in such successes? Or is it purely an acceptance of potential failure and the willing to go forth anyway? If you’re aiming to own a private jet in the next five years, bottom line is you’re gonna need to take some big risks. For those who want to know what this über rich, elite lifestyle is really like, we only have to look to the possessions of New Zealand’s richest man, Graeme Hart. As a high school dropout who was reported to be driving trucks at one point - yet also managed to get an MBA - Hart made his (estimated) $13.6 billion fortune in the packaging industry, as well as by buying rundown businesses, whipping them into shape, and selling them for big profit margins. The results of his successes are astounding. He reportedly owns a private jet, two homes in Aspen, a $24m Queenstown holiday pad, a few multimillion dollar Auckland properties, and several superyachts all worth an absolute mint. He recently sold his nearly 6000 ton, super-duper luxury yacht Ulysses for $265m. It included a Jacuzzi deck, cinema room, water sports toys like jet skis and water jet packs onboard, as well as dirt bikes for exploring islands. You can even check out a promotional video for Ulysses online, showcasing the most luxurious vessel on water you can imagine. When he’s resting from the insane superyacht lifestyle, his 878 sqm clifftop mansion in Glendowie features a three-level banquet hall with a glass atrium, chandeliers, a pool, and a wine cellar. With a price tag set at over $40 million, it’s easily one of the priciest homes in Auckland, and the country. Possibly a little nicer than your flat. It’s not just the older folks making the money, either. That’s the thing – so many of these new rich yuppies are super young. Heard of Kayla Itsines, Instagram fitspo guru? Yep, you may be surprised to learn that her and her bodybuilder boyfriend are worth over $63 million buckaroos. Now in her mid-twenties, this Adelaide gal began her career as a personal trainer, making customised workouts for her clients. With the inspiration of reaching a wider audience, she began posting her client transformations, and 24
Times are a-changin’ and the opportunities to make mega money are out there. If you’ve got something special, have crazy business intuition or have amazing work ethic, you too could be a rich-lister. Let’s face it though; most of us ain’t gonna get there.
eventually workouts, on Instagram to inspire other women, and her fame grew and grew from there. She now runs a fitness empire including a hugely popular app called Sweat, Bikini Body Guide e-books, a bestselling hardcover healthy eating and lifestyle guide, and branded products like skipping ropes and water bottles. Oh, and her workout tours pack out entire football stadiums. A look at her Insta page shows a current following of 8.9 million people, from all parts of the world. Apart from owning some sick active wear, a mean home gym and her cute Huskies, she doesn’t give much away in terms of what fancy shizz she must have. Gotta give it to her – for a millionaire, she does a great job at remaining relatable and sweet, and she’s not the only workout guru who’s making big bucks online either. While she hasn’t quite hit that top 1% mark yet, there’s no doubt she’s on the way, currently sitting at 40th place on The Australian Financial Review’s Young Rich List. Take away? If you’ve got the knack for it, make some serious money by getting in on the fitspo buzz. There are several examples of hot young thangs raking in the cash closer to home, as well. Several Kiwi lads and lasses in their twenties have made it on to the Forbes 30 under 30 Asia list for 2017. Sam Oven was a university drop-out who launched three businesses which all failed in less than a year, leaving him with no money and a depression diagnosis. What started out as motivation driven by an “insatiable hunger to make money and succeed” (said in his own words during an interview with Stuff), eventually transformed into success, when he learned that in order to succeed, “you must have a mission and a vision greater than yourself and your selfish needs and desires.” He picked himself up, started consulting.com, and now makes millions; apparently even $100,000 per day. For someone who started with $0 by working out of his parents’ garage, he can now laugh himself to sleep in his luxury Manhattan apartment.
Just to make you feel even poorer: there’s also the super-dedicated student Jamie Beaton on the list. As the founder of Crimson Education, Beaton created a website which provides tutoring and consultancy for students aiming for scholarships and competitive entry into some of the world’s best universities. At the age of 18, his company really kicked off with a $100,000 backing to help launch his vision – it’s now worth US$60 million. Plush. Our famous export, Lorde, made her millions through music, as we all know. At 21, she’s the owner of a nearly $3 million Auckland home, where she can entertain all her celebrity pals; unsurprisingly, it was purchased mortgage-free. Parris Goebel is a mega successful international choreographer, having worked with the likes of J-Lo (at 19!), Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Cirque du Soleil and Justin Bieber - just to name a few. Her attitude is blunt, with a short attention span, killer confidence and a tendency to be on her own planet, with her Dad doing her finance to keep her grounded. Another high school dropout, her going rate is now a reputed $4000 per day, and the music video she directed and choreographed for Justin Bieber’s ‘Sorry’ has over 2.8 billion hits online. Not bad for a girl from Manurewa. Moral of the story? Times are a-changin’ and the opportunities to make mega money are out there. If you’ve got something special, have crazy business intuition or have amazing work ethic, you too could be a rich-lister. Let’s face it though; most of us ain’t gonna get there. Instead, keep watching Kardashian marathons, buying $20 avocado toast brunches you can’t really afford, and ranting in opposition to capitalism whilst crying into your (not 3000 thread count) pillow at night. All this whilst wondering how the fuck we’ll pay off our student debts while there are high school dropouts out in the world with more in the bank than we’ll ever have in our lifetime. Welcome to middle-class reality, bitches. 25
Plain Jane Pepperoni There are two kinds of people in this world: those who like pineapple on pizza, and those who don’t. Anyone who fits in the former category is WRONG and SICK-MINDED. I have absolutely nothing against pineapples. They’re an exotic fruity sensation, and they make a great smoothie or fruitbowl addition. Heck, back home, there’s even more than one pineapple-shaped door stop. This is not an affront to pineapples; it’s a deep-seated issue with the concept of adding pineapple to a dough base with a tomato sauce, ham, and flavours such as garlic and oregano. Does pineapple belong on pizza? Heeeell to the no. Why the frick would anyone put sweet, juicy, fleshy pieces of pineapple on a pizza; a respectable Italian concoction which is at it’s very best when crisp and rich? Raffaele Esposito (the father of pizza) would be rolling in his grave. Any respectable pizza connoisseur knows that this wet fruit is a no-no due to its ability to make a soggy mess out of a perfectly good base. Does it go with traditional flavours like mozzarella, basil or tomato? Fuuuuck no. Not even close. If you’re on that side of the debate, how about adding pineapple chunks in your mince pie, or sprinkled on your Spaghetti Bolognese? Don’t like the sound of that? Well, imagine how the 26
Italians feel. It’s literally sacrilege to their culture. Even the President of Iceland is on our side, as he suggested banning the controversial topping last year. Let’s take it down to the biological level. Pineapple actually belongs to the berry family. Berries on pizza, amongst ham and cheese? Would you want raspberries or blueberries on there? No, honey. On a dessert pizza, maybe. But on a savoury pizza? That shit is gross. I feel adequately qualified to tell you that this combination is not the goods. I’m sorry lovers of Hawaiian pizza, it’s downright wrong. Even Sam Panopoulos, who invented the pineapple-pizza combination back in 1962, admits “we’d never seen a pizza. We didn’t know what we were doing”. It was purely an experiment from a man who had no clue what he was doing, and was inexperienced in the fine art of pizza-making. I wouldn’t stake my argument on the concept of a man who didn’t even know what a pizza was. I think the final statement really comes from our favourite chef, Gordon Ramsay. His opinion? “You don’t put fucking pineapple on pizza.” Word.
pInEap_PLE on PIZZA! For the duration of my argument, I will continue to refer to pineapple on pizza as such, and not by the misnomer, Hawaiian Pizza. Some old school pizza bro from Ontario, Canada, Sam Panopoulos claims that he created the first Hawaiian pizza in 1962. Panopoulos was apparently inspired by his experiences making Chinese takeaways; blending savoury and sweet. Essentially, he was a connoisseur of fatty foods - blending the deliciousness chunks of pineapple from sweet and sour pork with a stock standard pizza recipe. So, pineapple of pizza is neither from Hawaii, or made by someone from the state of Hawaii - it was only named as such for the connection between Hawaii and pineapples. In recent years, the question of whether pineapple belongs on pizza has been brought into the public realm, with politicians and celebrities like Paris Hilton, Justin Trudeau and Justin Bieber all coming out in support of #teampineapple. The online debate fired up after Icelandic President Guðni Th. Jóhannesson publicly stated, in February 2017, that he was fundamentally opposed to pineapple pizza; adding that he would ban pineapple as a topping for pizza if he could. A survey run by YouGov found 53 percent of Britons were propineapple - the only sensible majority vote to come out of Theresa May’s Britain.
Pineapple adds an important element otherwise missing from the entirety of the meal; sweetness. Pineapple, when cooked, adds a delightful and delicate hint of caramelization to a pizza. It balances the smokiness of the ham, the tartness of the tomato and the heaviness of the cheese. A plain Cheese and Ham pizza sucks balls - it’s bland and lacks a topping able to cut through the greasy fat exuded from the ham and cheese when in the oven. On a Supreme pizza, the pineapple accentuates the onions and capsicums; both toppings that soften and sweeten in the cooking process. Texture-wise, pineapple is moist, juicy and is able to be bitten through with the same satisfaction as pasta cooked al dente. While I’m not a fan of other fruit on pizza, such as cranberries or apricots, because they are included in saccharine-sweet, disgusting sauces, pineapple is the ultimate fruity addition to any pizza not destined to be slathered in a BBQ swirl.
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PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAVI WILDE @BINX.FILM
Here at Nexus, we have a special appreciation for deadpan comedy, and a strong candidate for the Nexus’ Patron Saint of Satire™ is Jeremy Wells. Wells is known for the iconic Eating Media Lunch series, The Unauthorised History of New Zealand, talking about masturbating and cricket as part of the Alternative Commentary Collective, and most recently, not talking about masturbating on TV3’s Seven Sharp alongside veteran broadcaster Hillary Barry. In an effort to pick the brains of someone we admire, I had a wee chat with our pal JW, who provided noncommittal, evasive, single-sentence answers to my earnest questions— so now I have to flesh them out into something resembling an enlightening interview. I guess it’s all part of the art of being Jeremy Wells. Having recently taken Mike Hosking’s slot on Seven Sharp, I asked Jeremy Wells how all that shit was going. JW: “I’ve found it daunting, terrifying, stifling, and arousing all at the same time”. Since this was an email interview, I had to imagine for myself the dry witticism with which this answer was delivered. Now that I type it out, it comes across more as a 30-second response on a coffee break. It would also appear that the move to Seven Sharp has resulted in a surplus of leisure time, with the workload clearly a lot lighter for a nightly news report show than it is with comic pursuits. JW: “It’s really eased off. I’m spending far more time gardening, reading and playing Mahjong with 30
my elderly friends. Seven Sharp also affords me more opportunities to tend to my bees”. I was told the other day that Linnaeus, the guy who invented binomial nomenclature gave honey bees the name Apis mellifera, a reference to the cow deity Apis, worshipped by Ancient Egyptians. This was due to the fact that the drone fly, which looks eerily similar to the honey bee, was often seen flying about the carcasses of cows. Mellifera means “Honey-bearing”. Pretty nifty, huh? Working with Hilary Barry, legendary news broadcast veteran and New Zealand icon, is also an experience worth writing home about: JW: “She’s a real breath of fresh air is our Hils Baz. Professional, responsible and devastating in the kitchen”. To conclude, I asked whether we might see an updated, revamped Unauthorised History of New Zealand any time soon. Jeremy Wells answered positively, noting his excitement to be working with the longdead Professor Kenneth Cumberland renown for his geography series Landmarks, as well as his significant contribution to geographic studies of New Zealand. JW: “I’m currently working on a new series of that show where Professor Kenneth Cumberland is recreated in CGI form complete with walkshorts and socks”. All in all, a comprehensive interview with a man I admire, and for whom, the only question forbidden by his new job is apparently the question on everyone’s mind: “When did you lose your edge?”
Get it down in 8, 7, 6… CAMERON MCROBIE Scull, verb, (sculled, sculls, sculling): to drink (an alcoholic beverage) in a single draught. Synonyms include: down, chug, sink, large sip. Repercussions include waking up on the right side of the wrong bed, bankruptcy, involuntary urination and regrettable social interactions. Like snags and sauce, University culture has always gone hand in hand with drinking inhuman amounts - fast! O-Week in particular sees lads and lasses taking to the funnels, shotguns and vortexes to consume—fermented goodness commonly referred to as alcohol (or piss). Sometimes you’ll even be (un)lucky enough to catch a glimpse of a second-year engineering student, on the brink of dropping out to become a tradie following their first thermodynamics lecture, bashing out some of their precious brain cells out in a ‘rhino’ attempt. Because it can be timed or measured (a fundamental of most sports), it’s no surprise that us intelligent students have found many ways to turn drinking into a sport. Beer sculling (chugging) races may be held on special occasions or when all the boys are out on the town (yeah the lads). It may just involve a one-on-one rumble to see who can sink a glass the quickest, or a team of keen drinkers who drink one at a time until all team members have finished. Vessel size may range from a shot glass (typ-
ical of the 21 shots tradition, yeah the girls) to the yard glass, which can be up to three litres in volume. Below are a couple of rules that you may see in beer drinking races: • No spillage • No throwing up • Empty your vessel in its entirety • Eating is cheating A few notable international drinking legends are Aussies Bob Hawke and Dave Boon, and Waikato’s very own Jono Cook. Former Australian Prime Minister Hawke set arguably one of Australia’s greatest records when he downed 2.5 pints (1.42L) of beer in 11 seconds whilst still a student at University College, Oxford. Former cricketer Boon allegedly finished 52 cans of beer on a flight to England for the 1989 tour, though probably not sculling - a marathon is still a race right? Exemplary fourth year Waikato student Jono Cook’s 21st yard glass attempt went viral when he managed sub 20 seconds, without spilling or throwing up, in early 2017. Remember guys, drinking has its consequences, and they usually hit a lot harder with age. Fourth years, don’t fool around like you’re still 19 - because you probably can’t hit three back to back funnels and still exist the next morning. Drinking races can be fun, but make sure you consume some not-beersies in between, like water. Love me some water. Stay safe, stay sober, team xx 31
MAVY MANSION This quaint Hogan household has never experienced the true joys of hygiene. Mounds of clothing cover up spilt RTDs; a damp bowl of cigarette butts provide a homely aroma to patio. They put us under strict instruction to not mention their current ****** infestation, sadly the copious amount of ******* wriggling on their outdoor furniture was probably the most interesting part.
SPORTING GOODS Joseph Parker vs Anthony Joshua – The Tale of the Tape PAORA MANUEL
On April Fool’s Day NZ time, all eyes will be fixed on Cardiff, Wales for the heavyweight championship of the world between Anthony Joshua and Joseph Parker. I’m not going to give any predictions for the fight, other than Joseph Parker FTW and free food from Burger King, simply because I know bugger all about boxing, but I do know how to have a good time. Here are some tips on how to get through this potentially historic fight. 1.THE UNDERCARD — Think of the undercard in a boxing event as pre-drinks before heading to town; it’s important to build yourself up for the main event, but it could also be the best part of the event, especially if the fight is a total dud and a waste of cash and internet. Since it’s Easter, it’s best to replace the alcohol for chocolate. 2.WATCHING THE FIGHT — As responsible magazine folk, here at Nexus, we advise that you watch the fight legally and not ‘legally.’ The last thing we need to hear is students being busted for illegally streaming—Nexus has enough shady stuff buried under the lake for Duco to find out. If we bring up the shady stuff, chances are it will come up in Blind Dates or a Nexus piss-up. 3.THE MAIN EVENT — It’s pretty much the reason we’ll be watching the fight and why this was written. There has been some wild banter between Anthony ‘AJ’ Joshua and Joseph ‘Free BK’ Parker. If Mayweather-McGregor has taught us anything, it’s that talk is cheap but talk sells, and banter sells 34
fights. So, if you plan on having a one outs with your flatmate; throw in some trash talk. It should go down a treat. 4.THE AFTERMATH — If Parker wins the fight, keep an eye out for the Facebook live updates, look at the comments and see whether they think the fight was robbed or that he is a great. If Parker loses the fight, the comments will be something along the lines of outboxed and outfought, but he gave it a go. Kiwis are armchair experts at anything from how to lock in a scrum, how to box, and how to run a country. On Sunday April 1st, I hope to hear “Declaring the winner and NEW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, JOSEPH PARKER!!!!” #TEAMPARKER for the win.
To Course-Related Cost or Not? NICOLA SMITH What comes with the responsibility of StudyLink and Student Loan. is decisions. One is whether to take out the course-related costs in bulk, bit by bit, or not at all. Course-related costs is a “borrowable” $1,000 that can be additional to the student loan each year of study. Since proof of purchases can be asked at any point during the year by StudyLink, this money should be used more for study needs. However, not everyone uses the amount as wisely as one would think. Students are known to struggle with finances, so by asking a diverse group of 30 students, the trend will show. The forecasted amount was 50/50 because of many different situations all individuals are in. In fact, 70% of students will get out the $1,000, and 30% will not or not yet. Those students who lived at home or had full time jobs over summer were typically against getting the $1,000 additional loan. Yet, if they did, it would go straight into a high-interest bank account— wow investment! The students also preferred borrowing the extra $50 a week in contrast to the bulk amount which was interesting. My favourite analogy of the group was “why don’t you use the $1,000 to help pay off the existing student loan?” Now, yes, that might inflate some egos, but it’s not actually possible to pay off debt with more debt. This theory is as effective as not voting in the election then complaining after the results come out. Short term there are feelings of power and intelligence, but that long term investment ain’t so sweet. Study related items that the 70% of students interviewed were
planning to purchase included, but were not limited to: textbooks, printing credit, clothes for practicum/ internships, stationery, laptops and new phones. StudyLink does help make university life just a bit easier for many students needing legit study aids. However, it’s time to acknowledge the most creative responses to use of this money, because after all, an interest-free loan of $1,000 won’t mean much when we are earning three-figure salaries in the long run, right? Especially for students in more expensive living areas who need to pay the weekly bills. While only one out of the students interviewed was planning to take out half in A Semester and half in B, this is a really helpful option to have something for a rainy day. Yet with the addition of $50 now available, now students can be a bit more creative with this “free money” loan. Small things like petrol, food and clothes may not necessarily be study related, but they most definitely are student related. The more creative side of the answers were “get me through orientation week” and “some piss to sink in Orientation Week” with the winners being travel, a cruise and a $1,000 tattoo! Whether you think it’s a good option or a bad one, there’s an argument for both sides. It really shows the type of person one is, and if they think more in the present or future. This is why responses are either “You can always pay it back later without interest” or “I’m already paying enough, let’s not add to my loan regardless of the interest.” The choice is up to each and every individual, and the option to make it is beneficial to all students. 35
Once again our lovely lad for the evening was described as an “Apex Predator,” someone more dedicated to their boys than they are to their own general wellbeing. She’s a thirsty fresher in search of her one true love, and of course, a funny story to tell her mates. HE SAID:
SHE SAID:
The date started well with frequent looks from the House on Hood staff, sharing the same expression: “here’s another one.” The young lady, although I didn’t know her name the whole night, made good conversation, but had the typical Fresher banter and taste of wine; the cheapest one on the list. However, the round of tequila shots, complementary of the Nexus Saints, definitely sparked things up. It’s fair to say, I felt very honoured to be taking her tequila shot virginity, because of this I also felt it’d be rude to not add in a little twist. Lick the salt, down the shot, suck the lemon, kiss your partner. Great success. We chatted some more, but before long, she leant over and whispered in my ear “what are we doing after this?” I still didn’t know her name, but this was definitely working out. As the night came to an end, we decided to head over the bridge. The ideal opportunity to show her “my stamp collection,” but I’m not here to fuck spiders. Through all of the rustle and tussle, I could hear my mates giggling from the other room, surely with their ears pressed against the wall. I then saluted my fellow men, letting out a hearty “YEAH THE BOYS”. After the job was done, I waved her goodbye. Though sadly I continued to lay there with some very blue balls – bloody tequila shots. To the young lady, thank you for the good night. By the way, you left your bra in my room.
As the waitress at House walked me to my table, I thought “oh my god, he’s dressed like an accountant” —wearing dress pants and a checkered shirt. And as it turns out he is majoring in Accounting. That’s a tick from me. Lucky for him, I think accountants are sexy; there’s nothing sexier than financial stability hahaha. He was a bit overdressed, but told me that his flatmates dressed him—at least it’s better than being underdressed. We ordered our drinks; I got wine to get me to a level where this wouldn’t be so awkward. As the night went on, we realised both of us each had a group of our friends snooping in. His were in the lower part of House watching us, and mine were on the second floor watching from above. Thank God one of my friends there knew who he was and sent me a text mentioning his name, because I completely forgot it halfway through the date! The conversation was filled with talk of sugar daddies and my weird texts with an ex-teacher. After another glass of wine, some tequila and a long island iced tea, we noticed his friends got closer and closer to our table, so we decided to go back to his flat for some… alone time. All I can say is that was a great blind date, and although I lost my bra in the process, I had fun.
Brought to you by House on Hood Street. If you’re keen for a Blind Date, email editor@nexusmag.co.nz
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Puzzles
CODE CRACKER 13 22 17
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Potential alter ego names for the few months that you rock that filthy stache/gorgeous minge mullet. Libby-ration Luke Armstrong Velvet Deluxe Tabasco Peppy Oh Boy-o!
Seventies Dream Deidre Whiff-o-Magic Spunky Sally Valentino
EASY SUDOKU
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SIMPLE PUZZLES FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE
wWHAT!? is thIS? ANSWER:
ALGE-BRUH ANSWERS:
=
CROSSWORD 1
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Yeah nah what can we say, we fucked up Alge-bruh last week. Please forgive us. xx
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WORD TWIST
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ACROSS:
DOWN:
1. Utensil (5) 3. Path (5) 7. Disregarded (7) 9. Send out (5) 10. Military command (5) 11. Mythical beast (7) 12. Taste (6) 14. Movie house (6) 18. Bet (7) 20. Deduce (5) 22. Unsuitable (5) 23. Roamed (7) 24. Finished (5) 25. Small boat (5)
1. Mariners (7) 2. Possessed (5) 3. Boredom (6) 4. Legal excuse (5) 5. Svelte (7) 6. Beer mug (5) 8. Relating to country life (5) 13. Tycoon (7) 15. Dialect (5) 16. Condense (7) 17. Worshipped (6) 18. Forgo (5) 19. Graded (5) 21. Criminal (5) 41
b u H
2.0
The
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