Nexus 2023 Issue 3

32 Cooked Cooking

Darts & Crafts 33 Pass the AUX 34 Horoscopes 35 Puzzles 36

Editor-in-Chief

Jak Rāta editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Lead Creative Stien Huizenga design@nexusmag.co.nz

Deputy Editors

Tehana De Klerk tehana@nexusmag.co.nz

Seamus Lohrey seamus@nexusmag.co.nz

Staff Writers

Yashanshi Kala

Joel Collins

Te Ao Māori Editor

Kae’sharn Hose

Social Media

Leilani Goodall

Media Designer

Jordan Fritz jordan@nexusmag.co.nz

Cover Artist

Aloha project

Contributors

Dave Snell

Marātea Mohi

Kat Jones

Oliver Dunn

Kaihautu Rāta

Dr. Sex

Alexander Kalauta

Nexus is a magazine made by students, for students. As such it’s sometimes controversial views don’t actually represent those of the Nexus Editor, the writers, or the sponsors.

Location

The Nexus office is located down the hall at the WSU, usually with Alexa playing terribly dated music.

Printing

The Forest Stewardship Council® (FSC®) is an independent, not for profit, non-government organization established to support environmentally appropriate, socially beneficial, and economically viable management of the world’s forests. FSC® vision is where the world’s forests meet the social, ecological, and economic rights and needs of the present generation without compromising those of future generations.

On February 24th, the Vice-Chancellor emailed students about the decision to move the April Graduation from the Pā to the GlowBox Arena due to construction delays. In his email, Vice-Chancellor Quigley noted that this would be the only option available to tauira who wished to graduate in April. They would not be holding a ceremony at Te Kohinga Mārama Marae as they had done for the December graduation.

Professor Quigley stated that he understood some students would be disappointed by this decision and suggested, “For those that would prefer, we are offering all students the opportunity to defer their graduation to The Pā later in the year.”. This decision prompted tauira Māori and Te Kotahitanga O Nga Akonga O Waikato to launch an inquiry into the tikanga surrounding this decision where all measures taken to ensure tauira response were heard.

Wednesday 8th March saw tauira Māori engaging in culture hour, their tautohetohe could be heard from The Village Green through the Kirikiriroa campus, “Taku patu, taku patu - mana Māori motuhake!”

could be heard throughout the campus, letting their frustrations be known to the wider University community. Led by Rōpū Māori, Te Waiora tumuaki showed mana through their waiata and supported posts via social media over the past week.

In a statement published on their platforms, Te Waiora exec board had said, “Marae graduations have been hosted for many years, and Waikato has been one of the only universities to do so (alongside THW). With the near completion of a multimillion dollar complex that was given a Māori name, that will be fashioned with Māori motifs throughout, and not to mention a new marae, we do not feel as though we as Tauira

Māori are being fully embraced but rather used for promotional material.” Within their comprehensive statement, Te Waiora expressed the need for Marae graduation as a major part of the Waikato experience. Tauira have cemented that with their comments of support both on the post and through messages to WSU and Nexus alike.

Rōpū from the Law Faculty, Te Whakahiapo, expressed their disdain in a message.

“Te Whakahiapo do not understand nor agree with the reasoning for this decision. We believe that they [University of Waikato] are not upholding their Treaty commitments to Māori by removing the opportunity for tauira to graduate on Te Kohinga Mārama Marae.”

WSU has begun the consultation process with tauira, requesting reactions and information to collate the wider consensus from tauira and whānau alike. WSU has stated they received varying levels of communication both in support of consultation and active opposition to the decision to change the graduation location and date. When speaking to WSU Tikanga Māori staff member, Kae’sharn Hose mentioned the importance of using tauira voice.

We will follow the story as it continues, awaiting a response from the VC and subsequent senior leadership team as they receive the comms from tauira and Rōpū Māori across the motu.

If you want to reach out, WSU have given an email for tauira to conect and express concern. consultation@wsu.org.nz

Photography by Jordan Fritz

Nā Jak Rāta

CURRENT AFFAIRS

laughable”, adding that the country is suffering, putting weight on the seriousness of the matter. She points out that most families are struggling after losing their homes and family members and that we need to support one another.

Stoltz, which is worth mentioning, responded to Tamaki’s statement on his ‘porn research’, quoting, “It’s worth mentioning that Tairāwhiti was without internet access for five days, so Brian’s ‘research’ might need updating. I suggest Brian stop wasting his time ‘researching’ Pornhub and instead join the rest of New Zealand who have donated time, energy and money to help us get back on our feet. I can flick him our Disaster Relief Fund bank details if he reaches out. We’ll get back to work now thanks.”

Tamaki additionally links Cyclone Gabrielle to abortion in Aotearoa New Zealand. He claims the cyclone should have never “got near us” but it’s “after New Zealand. Because that’s where the most extreme abortions, that’s the abomination that’s coming up in the air to God. That’s the place that has the queerest Parliament in the world.” It has been stated that Tamaki’s opinions do not have evidence to support the claims. According to a Wisevoter, a recent statistic on abortion rates shows ranging from below 10 per 1,000 women of reproductive age to over 50 per 1,000 women. The country with the most “extreme” abortion rates isn’t New Zealand but Russia with 53.7. New Zealand is only ranked number 18 on this scale, sitting at 19.7. So, if God is angry, Russia is the starting point.

Brian Tamaki, the founder of Destiny Church and the Freedoms NZ political party, has always had extreme views on the progressing world. For example, from statements declaring that queer people are perverts to saying the 2010 and 2011 Christchurch earthquakes were God’s punishment for our sinful behaviour, including murder and homosexuality.

On March 1st, Tamaki told his followers that the recent floods that have largely impacted the Aotearoa community is due to a “moral depravity and degradation”, including a large number of pornography consumption in the worst hit areas. Tamaki’s plea before his church fellowship was viewed online more than 3,300 times. The concern is, if a solid 50% of the listeners accept his views, that’s an increase in hatred towards people—not only who consume pornography but largely for those—who are part of that industry too. This “religious” attitude and belief also takes us a step back from appreciating science.

Tamaki described his research process, stating, “I was suspicious. Don’t hate me for this … I see the perversion that is linked to bad weather. So I hopped on”. He continued by detailing his “investigation” by doing a Google search, making sure to add, “I don’t watch porn. But I went on there, [typed] ‘Porn in New Zealand’, and it gave me Pornhub.” Shocking. It was the results that contributed to Tamaki’s negative remarks on pornography, with Hastings and Gisborne being the highest number of porn watchers. The two cities were in addition, “one of the biggest averages per capita in the world.” Other than targeting the porn industry, he adds a comment about gay porn, “they’re [Hastings and Gisborne] the biggest watchers on the porn site of gay porn.”

According to Tamaki, he didn’t want to speak about this publicly, but God said to. Rehette Stoltz, the mayor of Gisborne, addressed Tamaki’s comments as “disappointing, unhelpful and

Prime Minister, Chris Hipkins confirms $301 million invested to rebuild, upgrade and modernise the damaged schools in the Christchurch earthquake. With 115 schools damaged in 2010 and 2011 because of the Canterbury earthquakes, it was always the goal to build schools. Though, the aim was to achieve this soon, the project now has stretched to be accomplished by 2025.

“As education minister I have had the absolute privilege of seeing new schools open, built from scratch or restored around Christchurch over the past five years.” This statement was given by Hipkins’ on his first visit to the South Island since becoming the Prime Minister. Hipkins’ mentions with much delight that this new investment would help the 27 remaining schools that needed work. As of March the 3rd, he is waiting to see further progress and provide future [additional] funding to complete this school project.

Nā Yashanshi Kala

“Less Kids on the Gram”

From leaving comments on a meme— that they shouldn’t even see and understand—to posting about “the love of their life”, Instagram has had enough of these kids on their app. The app is expanding its age verification program, for which we have to send in our ID’s proving we’re actually adults. Does that mean Hailey Bieber will finally no longer be on Instagram? Lemme know.

“My Grandma is Single”

- Man, 90, seeking a companion

A clip went viral of a 90-year-old Chinese man with a lot of gold. Like a lot. My two bloodlines would survive on that much gold. Gen Z’s responded hilariously, sacrificing their grandmothers as a tribute. I hope only grandma’s, nothing below that age range. One said, “My grandma is single.” I mean, so is mine….she’s Indian though. Does that work, Viscount?

“Australia the new India ...?”

‘Married at First Sight’ has 9 seasons. It’s been on air since 2015. Somehow. Apart from animals roaming the streets of Australia, they’ve dedicated 8 years of getting strangers married. 8 whole years. I thought arranged marriage was wack, turns out, no. And that’s an Indian girl speaking.

“Whitest & Blackest Names”

Not only are there strict categories in forms for our ethnicity, which is the easiest way to picture someone’s skin colour without making it obvious, ABC News dedicates an article on…..yeah. So, y’all, don’t name your daughter ‘Molly’ and son ‘Jake’ if you’re black. Apparently, that’s a super white name. Says ABC News. Not me. So does the name ‘Kiaan’ sound black enough for an Indian baby or do I need to add more vowels? Asking for my future mistakes.

Last year, a lady who looked like she urgently needed new glasses—because of how she butchered my name—told me my eyes have weakened. It was no surprise. But the price of the glasses, indeed, was. Now, sure, I get to see the world, see the ‘brighter picture’ so, you know, I can consider investing $299 for a new pair. However, I’m expected to pay—anything—to see yet another disappointment. Walking red flags? Aka, grown ass boys? Nada.

Red Flags for only $299.00

The world could be on the verge of falling apart and the orange-headed man still wouldn’t change his Twitter bio. It’s been a while since Donald Trump was last the President of the awful United States of America. The only thing uniting them right now is Jimmy Fallon’s comedy on ‘The Tonight Show’. The somehow father of 5 normal-looking kids, has a link on his Twitter handle, asking for a $47 donation. And a vote. Let’s focus on the money though, it’s 2023. If a guy with 3.2 billion USD needs a donation, I can’t imagine my financial state.

When I asked my mum what she’s watching currently, the best way she could put it was, “a movie with a ghost. Oh, and with that eleven girl’s father. The one that hates Mike.” We all know who. It’s David Harbour. I was intrigued. Then there’s also that guy who got roasted by Tom Holland for not having his own Marvel movie. Anthony Mackie. I still have no clue what hero, if any, he was in the Marvel Universe. But Tom acknowledged him, so that’s enough of a reason to watch the movie.

“Tom Holland has spoken, we storm the Harbour at 7:45pm”

Donald Trump is asking for Donations, definitely missed a beat

Nā Yashanshi Kala

Matt Rife, man of the month, has quickly been turned against after, quite explicitly, stating his sexual preference on a recent podcast. After disappearing from the social scene after inappropriately touching Zendaya on TV show ‘Wild ‘n Out’, Matt Rife quickly discovered a new brand that would raise him to peaks that his first attempt at stardom did not see him reach. Short clips of his stand up gigs matched with the objectively impressive glow up he adorned started to turn a new sort of eye. A female eye. Now, after his recent comments, this audience is largely calling for an end to his career as soon as it got (re)started.

This whole shabang got me and Jak asking ourselves about this moral-conundrum: when do sexual preferences become a problem, and why should we care? We want to start off by prefacing that this issue is deep man. It goes far beyond the surface level.

You may say that telling your largely female audience that they have to adorn a certain level of frontal feature comes

across as objectifying women. You may say this was a stupid thing to say or, at least, a stupid way of saying it. It is and I can only imagine the face palm his PR team made when they heard what dribbled out of his mouth. Perhaps telling your main demographic, if they want to be seen as attractive by you, they have to be well endowed, is an absolute nuke on your career. However, while these fans are opening up the bomb hatch, there are those that are saying this is simply his sexual preference. In other words, this is who he is attracted to.

Sexual preference is not some word that has suddenly existed in response

Our initial preferences begin to finalise shape around the ages of 10-14

to Mr Rife’s comments. It’s an idea that has been around for a while now and one that has been examined by sociologists. It is said that it is “caused by a complex interplay of genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences”. Our initial preferences begin to finalise shape around the ages of 10-14. Simply put, there’s a whole heap of factors, and time, that goes into making us attracted to who we are attracted to. This preference in attraction is what has been keeping the human race ticking. We’re all the

But, I don’t really have to tell you this, do I? The science gives us the answer to the where, when, and how, but this isn’t needed to prove that this preference exists in the first place. We all have our preferences on who, or who we aren’t, attracted to.

A 2016 survey found that 80 percent of people say they assess other people’s looks. I would go as far as saying that the other 20 percent are lying. While, as my Gran says, personality is the most important thing, people do initially judge their potential partner on what they look like as well. A 2009 survey conducted out of the University of Texas found that we do partly judge people’s personality based on what they look like. Now, obviously, this is all skin deep. The bloke with a mullet and a moustache may actually not be a beer-loving rugby player, but rather a sensitive soul who loves chess. What I am showing to you is that our

sexual preference is something that does influence who we romantically pursue. Unfortunately, due to our current online culture that has taken a step too far, we’ve been made to believe this is a negative thing. It’s not. As long as you go further than the initial attraction.

Now that we’ve established that sexual preference is alive and essential, the next question comes in: is Matt Rife in the wrong? Is he the bad guy? Online culture has begun to bring to light the issue that comes with preference. There are just some things you shouldn’t verbalise to an audience. Impressionable people may feel they have to fit a cookie cutter mould of who they should be or what they should look like. It’s something that has seen many, with emphasis on the younger generation, succumb to drastically trying to become somebody they are not. So, there lies the issue. Is there a way to vocalise what we are attracted to at all? I think it’s just something we need to be smart about. Does the world need to know who, or what traits, you are attracted to, or is that something you can keep to yourself?

It’s important we don’t let our preferences become as shallow and sexualised as Matt Rife’s, and that we don’t let them shield us from who is actually right for us.

The bloke with a mullet and a moustache may actually not be a beer-loving rugby player, but rather a sensitive soul who loves chess. What I am showing to you is that our sexual preference is something that does influence who we romantically pursue.

Here’s the problem with influencer status and the pull that has. Anyone can obtain it. The Tiktok generation is hell-bent on growing their following, developing their voice, and building an empire worthy of the drool they believe has merit. An opinion based on pulled fake facts that help perpetuate the truth in whatever it is they’re wanting to say. Though as a counter, when is it considered a violation of free speech when it’s online and doesn’t adhere to any specific societal influences or guidelines. This is all a majorly douchey way of saying that everyone has an opinion and likes to flex it.

Prejudice can exist in all forms, whether subconscious or not. It’s easy to pretend you don’t have a bias when discussing romantic encounters or when looking at potential partners. Though, I want to revisit that mentioned point of when it becomes problematic and whether it borders on censorship as we [current online generation] take it upon ourselves to fight for the voices of those unable to speak coherently for themselves. There are facets within all cultures where underrepresented people allow for support, but it’s not always required. I’m not making a lot of sense here, because there’s really no sense to be made. The online community is an amalgamation of confusion and people fighting to understand the world around them.

That’s where you find the root of the problem–easily influenced rangatahi waiting for a leader/prophet to solve their issues so they don’t have to. I’m talking, of course, about the Andrew Tate’s of the world.

This is not going to become a hate piece about men utilising their freedom of speech, but rather a topic of debate as to whether we’ve taken that idea of opinion and gone past the point of return. From a purely academic state, freedom of speech in online settings is highly contested, with scholars arguing that we’re under no obligation to abide by any

“Why is this pertinent to the conversation surrounding preference? Well it’s not.”

standard codes of conduct but to exist in that setting where we see fit. “-the cases indicate that free speech considerations favor preserving intermediaries’ editorial discretion unless the relevant technologies fall within a narrow range of exceptions” Yoo, C.S. (2010).

Why is this pertinent to the conversation surrounding preference? Well it’s not. But it does matter when you consider how those with any social media influence use their platform to express their preference without considering the carry-on effects of social commentary. In short, you look like an idiot when you’re expressing preference through something minute like the size of one’s clitoris. But is that just our impression of the comment made as opposed to an actually violating quote taken out of context? It’s all a complex narrative for what is an under-researched area of the internet and how chronically online users don’t take in the complete message. This is not a defence case for the actions of Matt Rife, but rather a commentary on the inability to separate actual crime from one’s offensive opinion.

Let’s take a look at some stats surrounding opinion then. I want to use this as a supplement rather than just arguing a menial side of a non-started argument. In a survey conducted at a university in Seattle in 2018, with a pool of 250 students, the results were:

Of the 250 students surveyed, 60% were women, 35% were men, and 5% identified as other.

Of the men surveyed, 95% said they did have a preference when dating online. 55% of Women said yes while 100% of others said no.

In the comments of the survey, when prompted, students discussed their preferences when approaching online dating and what plays into their decision. Some key words, or words of interest, were:

Colour, Height, Hair, Tits, Ass, Eyes–and to a lesser extent there was mention of feet.

What do all these things mean? I don’t know, I’m not a statistics professional (no idea what they’re called but I’m not one of them). But it shows a clear divide between genders in preference when dating online. Unsurprisingly, men said they had a preference, a statistic that was expected.

All of this is a culmination of online culture and how we view our opinions due to the urgency set from influencers on freedom of speech. There’s an inherent need to express opinions and thoughts on everything, laid out in an online space. We’re entitled to have our own opinions, and we’re allowed to have preferences, but sometimes, only sometimes, it’s probably best to keep more things to ourselves. At what point is it no longer appropriate to mention your preference? Probably when you refer to a large clit as a thumb war. Keep it on your private my bro.

All of this is a culmination of online culture and how we view our opinions due to the urgency set from influencers on freedom of speech.

Just like last year, DJ Boomie blessed our ears and faces with his hella dope sounds on the green while also made several features in our reels highlighting the depravity of life during O’week. We’ve definitely not recycled him but rather taken the opportunity to grace you all with his greatness a second time around. Lots of love, kid.

Jak: How are you?

I’m bloody tired after O’Week.

Jak: How would you describe your sound? But do it without using music terms

- Fun

- Energetic

- Horny

Jak: If you could collaborate with anyone, dead or alive, who’s your first pick?

Fatboy slim Big beach boutique Mount Maunganui edition

Jak: What should we be on the lookout for in the near future?

“BiG tHiNgS cOmInG SoOn” nah just a mashup/edit pack maybe some more merch?

Jak: What would be your high school leavers quote?

“You gotta jump in to swim” a Mac Miller lyric I try to live life by

Jak: Give us a list of locals you’re currently fucking with.

PHOTO BY JORDAN FRITZ

PHOTO BY STIEN HUIZENGA

- Scarfie

- Johnny Calvert

- Tooley

- Ava

- Calx

- Nic Tims

- TwoFöld

Jak: Tell the kids the reason for the name.

It was literally my nickname in high school and I put dj in front of it

Jak: What’s the five year goal?

I would like to somehow do a party tour of nz/Australia and just dj and destroy my liver. Then ease back on djing and start training/sharing my knowledge to new djs

Editor’s Note: Admittedly we were expecting a bit more of a response but DJ Boomie is a man of very few words. And that’s okay. We wanted to just add a few points. Definitely not a futile attempt at padding out a double page spread. So we asked a few students their thoughts from the Silent Disco [which old mate DJed] and to give some feedback and here’s what they had to say.

“Wow, such amazing choices of music. He really knows how to use those hands” Unnamed

“He’s so cool and has such good taste in tracks, and far out did you notice his mixing skills?” Unnamed

“DJ BOOMIE IS MY FAVOURITE DJ” Lara Dashfield

“I’m in love with DJ Boomie, man he is so dang handsome” Jordan Fritz

You’ve decided that you’re wanting to hook up with someone new, that’s awesome news. But now comes the awkward question of, “When were you last tested?”. There’s no easy way of answering without sounding like someone who’s sexually promiscuous or completely unaware of their sexual history. Well I’m here to help. Should mention that I’m not actually a doctor but someone who has been sexually active since they were young and has been around the block. Think of me like a mate who just is way too open.

Let’s talk about testing and why it’s important. Recently I’ve been pretty run off the road with work, not really allowing time for myself. But that doesn’t mean I’ve found myself without sex. Recently I’ve been casually hooking up with someone and it’s been amazing but I was hit with a “last test?” text prior to our first transaction. Now I’m pretty proactive about sexual health and like to think I’m a pretty onto it kinda person but it’s actually been a minute since I last got the old equipment service and had a decent oil change. No better time than the present right? So after booking in with the sexual health nurse, I was on my way.

After what was a pretty in depth swabbing sesh, my parts were chapping at the bit to get put away before engaging in the safe sex convo. I got my free protection and packed my to-go bag before hitting the road. It’s honestly that fucking easy that it baffles me that more people aren’t doing it right? But is it that easy when the fear of judgement and taboo surrounds the entire experience. You shouldn’t have to shroud your head in shame

as you go in and get your tick of cleanliness. So let’s clear some misconceptions.

But it hurts… Most tests are done through blood and urine. Unless you have symptoms (I didn’t but the swab is apparently more effective) then it’s usually a swab. Plus the clap hurts more cunt, sort it out.

I used a condom though… A condom can help lower your risk, but it’s not guaranteed. Don’t avoid using them though, it’s just not the only means of protection and doesn’t mean you’re completely safe.

We only do oral… Be so FUCKING FOR REAL RIGHT NOW. STDs are easily spread through all forms of sex: vaginal, anal, and oral. The infections are caused by bacteria or a virus that can enter your body through tiny cuts or tears in your skin and mucous membranes. So that means the mouth bro.

What’s your takeaway this week? Sex is amazing and how fun. Gonorrhoea is not. Lets not skip over sexual health and safety in return for a quicker meet up time. Would prefer you not scratching at your junk aye.

Lots of love, Dr. S

- Dr. Sex

Diary of a Sober Guy: O-week blows

- Alexander Kalauta

Academic O-week, party every night in the H-town clubs or dorm room for a week till you end up stumbling around outside your room, screaming for a bucket/rubbish bin or rushing to the bathroom where you regret those pres and all that liquor in your system the next morning. Then it’s round two, drinking again next week, rinsing and repeating the same things over and over again but this time drunk in class.

Well that is not me, I’m the so-called Sober guy/Dad on my floor looking after all the drunk floormates stumbling home from town and kickons. While we are on the topic of dorms, even though Bryant Hall is awesome, it’s stuck in a time capsule from the 80s and we need something to freshen up the place. Why should Bryant hall be left behind while the University is trying to modernise/reinvent itself as ready for the future, even if it’s just new carpets or paint colour. Isn’t that enough?

Being sober can be really funny and shouldn’t be criticised as a bad thing. Alcohol allows you to see a side of people that is not normally out in the open– booze just unlocks a hidden state of being. If that person becomes more open or assumes the role of a joker there to create chaos, it’s just fun to sit there and just watch them as they go down drink after drink, or taking multiple shots.

Coming from Auckland it’s a complete change of pace being living on campus rather than catching public transport with long travel times. Is it too much to ask to at least get a fleet of e-scooters

or e-bikes to get around. No offence but the stairs are killing me. This campus is huge and it’s a mission and a half just to get to lectures. I went from doing nothing, just walking a few metres a day during the holiday, to walking half way across campus to just get to the library or some orientation lecture. Understand that yes, I am a lazy person. Please take this as a space to complain.

But to be honest after one week here it’s starting to feel like home. Kind of sappy, I know. But we have a mixture of people from different background, all coming together on the premise of piss, parties and partial studying. The limit does not exist ;). Not to mention the amount of support and free things around as well. You really can’t beat it, meaning it’s not been a bad first time out of home, and to be away from Auckland.

PS the Blues are going all the way this year, sorry Chiefs. Maybe next year, I might be out of Auckland but im still reppin the blues.

INFJ

- Yashanshi Kala

Out of all the bullshit we have to deal with on a regular basis, there’s an additional one, INFJ. Gandhi was an INFJ, which makes me question my existence and pray that we’re not equals. This isn’t about the bald man and his “adventures” but understanding what INFJ is. Out of the 16 personalities in the world, INFJ stands for some fancy words and the abbreviation sounds like it’s to do with Aliens. Something you’d hear in the news, like, ‘just East of Te Puke, locals saw an INFJ. Astrologers predict it’s due to Mercury in Retrograde’. Bullshit like that.

An advocate with an introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging personality trait is an INFJ. Sounds like a tragic mind to live in. Out of curiosity and because I don’t have a life, I found eight signs to find out whether you’re an INFJ-alien as well.

The first is ‘being in a different wavelength’. Like a flat-earther. To simplify, it’s that one student who asks questions in lectures that:

a) makes no sense and;

b) has already been answered.

A scenario where you’d go ‘not this idiot again’. We’ve all been there.

The second is the perfectionist but also the procrastinator. The definition of a ‘spread love and light’ student, who doesn’t follow their own advice. The one who’d loudly complain about ONE WORD THAT DOES NOT ‘FLOW’ WITH THEIR PIECE OF WRITING’. The only emotion that flows

within the walls of that class is rage. Trust me, I had one of those.

The third is that you’re perceptive and good at reading people. Basically, you must be a law student. Psychologists too, though they can barely read their own behavioural patterns.

The fourth is you have a small friend circle. For closure, this ain’t that guy who played basketball in high school. Nor the girls with 900 followers on Instagram. They are no loners, trust me.

The fifth sign is that you’re deeply empathetic. So, anyone but a business student. Those creatures just want to open Mcdonald’s after figuring out the difference between Microeconomics and Macroeconomics for three years straight.

The sixth sign is that you cannot stand small talk. Like being in a room with snakes. Save that energy, pal. Say no more.

The seventh is your future-focused. A Capricorn.

And number eight is gravitating towards people who need help. That miserable ex you thought you could change? Yeah, them.

So, let’s talk about your deep-rooted trauma during Christmas time, sí?

Random Audit: French for Beginners (FRNCH131)

- Joel Collins

Jesus fucking christ man. Last night I was at the Julia Jacklin concert in Auckland, getting the crunkest I’ve ever cranked, and now I’m here in an empty classroom with a hangover and a baguette (or as New World so prudently labelled it, a french stick ????????). As I sit here, spilling crumbs fuckin everywhere, I can’t help but pontificate what it would be like if the French class this was supposed to be was happening now, not in the B trimester as it said very clearly on the schedule. In my mind, everyone is smoking cigarettes and drinking espresso. The teacher is talking wistfully about his bitter ex-wife, and we can’t understand a word he’s saying. We have olive oil and wine to dip our bread into so it’s not so goddamn dry, and it’s happening in the late afternoon instead of zero oclock in the fucking AM. There, there’s the audit, are you happy? I’M NOT! It would be one thing if it was someone else’s fault that I’m sitting here right now, but it was made painfully clear to me that I didn’t have to do this if I didn’t want to. Alas, I was tipsy and couldn’t bear the idea of not eating an entire baguette in a classroom full of nerds. It would have been awesome. Do you know the power one holds when eating a whole stick of carbs in a public setting?????? WELL ME NEITHER BUDDY!

I guess you could consider this a warning shot. No class is safe, even ones that haven’t even started yet. Look out for kooky baguette people storming your classrooms guys, we are gonna flame the shit out of your boring ass professors and your general etiquette. NO ONE’S SAFE!!!!!!!

The concert was fun. It was at the Power Station, kind of a small venue but a lot of personality (there was a picture on the wall that my friend swore was of Paul Dano except it wasn’t of Paul Dano because why the hell would they have a picture of Paul Dano on the wall at a concert hall in Auckland). The opening band was fucking great, called Theres a Tuesday. VERY VERY gay with incredible music, so I recommend them.

Can I just say how unfair this is? I was sent to an empty classroom and now I have to come up with a bunch of words about it. It was supposed to be a bunch of the other nexusers too but they FLAKED because they’re FLAKES (sort of. I mean it’s more like I was the only one who was stubborn enough to actually go through with it purely because of the baguette thing which I DON’T REGRET IN THE SLIGHTEST)!

Final thing: I’ve hidden the baguette somewhere on campus. You will get one hint, and the first reader to find it will get a prize that is currently being decided on (something French for sure). I’ve signed the baguette with a secret word so you can’t commit baguette fraud. If you do find it, drop an email to joel@nexusmag.co.nz with a picture and we will make sure you are duly compensated. Okay, here’s the hint:

Outside the place where trains once stopped, inside that bush with the leaves that flop, I don’t know what the bush is called, I failed bio after all.

Season Four - Part Three (Part One) 10 / 10

Emotional. Damage.

I started watching Attack on Titan last year, so in no way do I know the journey of watching it from when it first aired. However, in this short time I’ve become so attached to this story and its characters, and I only have one word to describe this new part: PEAK.

I’ll try not to spoil Part Three for those who haven’t watched it yet.

First off, I will defend Eren Yeager until the day I die. I know how the story ends, but even with what has been shown so far in the anime, I think that Eren is one of the best written fictional characters. This episode, like the last episode of Part Two, goes into more detail about the emotional and psychological impact The Rumbling

TV Show

has on him, and I find it very easy to understand why he “keeps moving forward”.

Additionally, Mappa did a phenomenal job animating these manga chapters. It’s obviously kind of tiresome that this final season has been split into so many parts, but Mappa has a huge job when it comes to this considering the manga is so detailed. And while I’ve had my thoughts about their animation of the ODM gear in action, they did a great job for this part. One scene in particular (that nearly made me cry, RIP *****), was fucking amazing.

Everything about this part, in my opinion, was just peak fiction. The voice acting. The soundtrack. The character development. Fuck man, if you aren’t watching this, hop on it asap. I’m not emotionally ready for the ending.

Tehana De Klerk

I want to preface this by saying that I’m not actually a video gamer but imagine my surprise when I rock up to my bros and they’re jamming out to what can only be described as an absolute chaotic clusterfuck of information and bright colours packaged under the guise of gaming entertainment. Even more surprising, there’s fucking 3 of them–what rock have I parked myself under to miss the phenomenia that is goat simulator.

Multiplayer is the keyword I need you to think about when approaching this game. You can share the insanity with a few of your mates, while also rotting your brain along the way. The premise stays roughly the same as far as I can discern. You get dropped into this map where you’re tasked with completing a series of non sequitur quests and feats of chaotic mayhem. You’ll do normal goat shit like drop a nuclear bomb on a culde-sac, or cause a trio of ballerinas to turn into a giant tornado that never goes away for the rest of your adventure, or drive cars into your friends until they explode. All of which adds achievements to your bureau, meaning you can then win. What do you win, I hear you asking? Next question please.

The game is just really meta, being self-referencial while also gaining insightful commentary on gaming culture. It may seem

like I’m giving it more credit than it deserves but I can’t help but reflect on Scream or Cabin in the Woods–films so selfaware that the point is gained through intelligent banter and narrative coils unwinding through the premise. I’m definitely giving a game that involves ‘lick’ as one of the main controls too much credit. Though you might encounter the odd glitch or two, it doesn’t detract from the gameplay, and you’ll brush it off as easily as your ragdoll goat getting back to its feet after crash-landing from the top of a never-ending beanstalk. (this is a quote from a mate, my game knowledge wouldn’t allow for in-depth analysis like that)

If you’re looking for hours of mindless entertainment and immense idiocy, then you can fulfil those needs for the low price of $50NZD–-which is a minimal cost for some endless entertainment. Sometimes it’s easier to turn your brain off and buck your hooves at an old lady’s face while she fires a rocket launcher at you. Treat yourself to this if you want to. Just remember that your moral compass changes direction with every little old lady you decide to ruthlessly lick and murder through the entirety of your experience within the realms of the game. The road to hell will be lined with your victims.

BREAD PUD

BASED ON BINGING WITH BABISH’S RECIPE FOR FRENCH TOAST CASSEROLE

DISCLAIMER: I bought a bunch of bread for the Darts and Crafts this week and I phoned that shit in like crazy so I know I have to make this recipe good. Bread Pud is a surefire way to unload a whole heap of stale bread in case

HOW TO:

Step one: First, you’re going to want to cut up your bread into little baby bite-sized bits. If your bread is fresh, then put it in the oven while you preheat it to 180. Just long enough so the bread is a bit crusty and isn’t gonna turn to soup when faced with moisture. If you’re like me you’re going to want to give up and just eat the stale bread cubes for pudding, but you HAVE to resist that urge. Better things are coming for you and your beautiful bread babies. TRUST ME BRO I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Step Two: Next you have to get your baking dish ready. Get a rectangular ovenproof thing and butter it up like your parents before asking for money. Then chuck in your bread cubes and get started on the custard.

Step Three: The custard is really where you can play with the dish a bit. I read a bunch of recipes for Bread Pud online and the custards all vary. You can add whatever you want, but a good base is 1 ½ cups of milk/cream, two to five eggs (I know that’s a shitload, cry about it (the amount of eggs you use will lend itself to how cohesive your final dish will be, so if you wanna go for just two that’s fine but maybe serve with bowls and spoons instead of plates and forks(that’s an exaggeration but the texture will be affected))), 3-4 tablespoons of sugar (brown or white depending on your sexual preference) and vanilla something. Some welcome add-ons include freshly grated nutmeg, cinnamon, orange/ lemon zest and a little splash of a brownish booze (or if you’re more stoner than alcoholic, chuck in a gram, who cares). Pour ya badass custard over the cubes and give it a big

Before we throw this baby in the cooker, we need to top it. Throw together a nice little mixture of 4 tbsp melted butter, 3 tbsp brown sugar and a tsp of cinnamon, then drizzle it over top of the dish. This along with a few scattered scoops of white sugar will give you a crunchy layer on your meal, along with an extra flavour boost (which is good).

And finally, chuck it in the uhv (oven) for 30-45 minutes or until it looks about done. There’s basically no chance of it going dry so you can probably leave it in for a while and get some nice brownage on the top.

DARTS AND CRAFTS

- JOEL COLLINS

Today’s EPIC CRAFT is the GENIUS INVENTION of a BREAD TISSUE BOX

Sick of having to dig through the bread bag to get your carby goodness? Well do I have the craft for you! Bread tissue box is the innovative new way to store your bread. The design is very human. If you want bread on the go you aren’t gonna get better than this.

INGREDIENTS:

- Bread

- Empty tissue box

the same time as a star is born

I don’t know why a star is born showed up twice in there, I’ve literally never talked about that shit ever. Also a 10 weeks pregnant baby is indeed quite a scary idea.

SUDOKU

YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT THIS IS C*NT

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

IN THE IMAGE BELOW, THERE ARE 10(-ISH) DIFFERENCES TO BE FOUND. WE WISH WE COULD SAY THERE’S AN INCENTIVE TO WINNING. BUT THERE’S NOT. GOOD LUCK CUTIES XOXO

LABYRINTH

LENGTHY BOY ;)

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE SUDOKU

WORD FIND

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? AN ACTUAL WORDFIND?

WORDS... OBVIOUSLY

CROSS THEM OUT AS YOU GO...

Garage Project

State of play

Pernicious Weed

Panhead

Stoke Apa

Brb

Macs

Parrot Dog

Better Beer

SuperZero

Deep Creek

Duncans Mr. Whippy

Fill Yer Boots

Tiny Behemoth

All Day Underparty

Kapai Red

Waipara

Piha

Laughing Bones

Yes Sensei

Good George

Fortune Favours

TRIVIA

ONLY LOSERS DO THIS PART

1. Who founded eBay in 1995?

2. What year was Neptune discovered?

3. Who won an Oscar for this role in the movie “The Philadelphia Story”?

4. What children’s classic first chapter is titled “The Old Sea-dog at the Admiral Benbow”?