Nexus 2023 Issue 8

IT’S

It’s a new day, a deep breath, a sweaty face, a bootcamp, a catch-up, a challenge, a realisation, a conversation, a push and a pull, a moment of peace, a struggle and a win, a feeling, a superpower, a soundtrack and a stage, a weight plate, a new limit, a grind, a flex, a heavy set, a commitment, a culture, a community, a way of live, a second home, a place to discover your playground.

Listen I can be, and I am, as socially aware as the next person. I can understand when I should and when I shouldn’t be supporting public figure heads after big-ass scandals or online cancellations. But maybe I just wanna fucking listen to Sticky Fingers’ live version of Cyclone without hearing all of your shit judgments, is that so much to ask. Sorry, let me explain.

Now if you were to ask me if cancelling online personalities, or celebrities, has gone too far. I actually don’t think I can come up with a cohesive answer. It’s a hard one to navigate, I’m unsure of the direction of my thought process of whether I’m being a sheep if I follow in the footpath with everyone else as they lead to blocking and deleting the music of problematic musicians from their libraries. I know what I like, unfortunately sometimes I happen to like music made by people deemed problematic because of shit they’ve done in the past.

And the solution is pretty fucking easy when I think about it, stop being such a shit cunt. I’m not absolved of guilt for things that I’ve done in my past, some of the decisions that I’ve made and the actions that I’ve done. I know that I’ve been a shit person. Though I believe everyone is capable of changing and becoming a better person. There’s no way that everyone should remain the same that they were 2, 5 or even 10 years ago. We as humans are capable of growth and development. Why do we hold these famous people to different standards of those around you? It’s starting to sound like I’m building a parasocial relationship with online celebrities, which is far from the truth.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I’m a chronically off-line person, and that is still largely the same. I like

being able to exist every day without having to have constant updates of everything that is happening around me. It’s even refreshing when I find out things from people in my offices, in my friend circles, But I don’t require that constant update as a means to fill in my days. In reality, you’ll find me most likely listening to concert music and watching random rabbit-hole style YouTube videos when I’m writing or when I’m creating this magazine. I don’t find there’s a need to read and trawl the public forums of social media. I also don’t want to sound like some weird person that lives in my parents basement. Please know that I’ve been living out of home for almost 10 years. Please.

What you should take from the space, which isn’t saying a whole lot as this entire editorial is a bit of a cluster-fuck of ideas, is that I just want to listen to Sticky Fingers in peace without having to explain myself to everyone as they hear the same song on repeat. Sometimes it’s okay to like the things that you like, as long as it isn’t harming anybody else or some bullshit like that. I have my limits though, don’t try explaining hate-speech or racism too me, I don’t want to fucking hear it.

If, for some reason, you think that I am trying to teach you some valuable life lesson with this editorial–no I’m not. This is really just a love letter to Aussie music and my insatiable need to stream at all hours of every single day through my UE Boom 2. Keep an eye out on your friends, and make sure you’re paying attention to the things that matter to you. I don’t think that you have to be absorbing media and every facet of your life to keep up with those around you. At the end of the day it doesn’t fucking matter.

From the archives: Wāhi Matua � Editorial

Issue 8 - 1996

Sports Thoughts

Ever wondered which NRL team you are? You haven't?

Flattie

Let's go around the world and figure out why everything is fucked. Or something like that.

Dreamy Editor-in-Chief

Jak Rāta editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Burly Boi Creative [Lead Designer] Stien Huizenga design@nexusmag.co.nz

Dipsh*t Deputies [Deputy Editors]

Tehana De Klerk tehana@nexusmag.co.nz

Seamus Lohrey seamus@nexusmag.co.nz

Salty Staff Scribes [Staff Writers]

Joel Collins

Leilani Summer

Yashanshi Kala

Te Koretake Etita [Te Ao Maori]

Kae’sharn Hose

Insta Reel Reject [Media]

Jordan Fritz jordan@nexusmag.co.nz

Cover Artist @baby.ariam

Contributors

Kat Jones

Kaihautu Rāta

Murmur Tooth

Tristian J

Nexus Classroom

Aria Matthews

Filly Arias

Jasmine Gorman

Social Links

Disclaimers

Nexus is a magazine made by students, for students. As such it’s sometimes controversial views don’t actually represent those of the Nexus Editor, the writers, or the sponsors.

Location

The Nexus office is located down the hall at the WSU, usually with Alexa playing terribly dated music.

Printing

The Forest Stewardship Council® (FSC®) is an independent, not for profit, nongovernment organization established to support environmentally appropriate, socially beneficial, and economically viable management of the world’s forests. FSC® vision is where the world’s forests meet the social, ecological, and economic rights and needs of the present generation without compromising those of future generations.

Yashanshi kala News Writer

A Peaches and Cream Hamilton employee was severely injured after attempting to stop a shoplifter this past week. The victim tells NZ Herald that the thief rammed their car into her.

If you have ever waited for bus C1 and C2 from Centre Place, you would know where Peaches and Cream is. It’s right opposite the Transport Centre. The location of this store is the concern. It is located in a busy area and yet someone successfully stole and injured the worker.

The employee, Alicia Moke, stated that theft has significantly increased during the six years she has worked at the store. The prevalence of crime is on the rise, from dairy to retail.

Earlier this year, citizens of Aotearoa read the headlines

of the gruesome murder of a dairy worker, Janak Patel in Auckland. That case brought a lot of attention to crimes related to dairies and the lack of laws protecting the innocents in the industry. Despite the MP’s assurance to take strict measures against the growing crime, it continues, now in a manner that has resulted in a retail worker being traumatised .

Moke clarified that she had jumped on to the bonnet of the alleged thief’s car. The victim adds, detailing, “she just flat-foot accelerated into me from about two metres away, hit me on to the bonnet [and] slammed the brakes on. I flew off into the middle of the road.”

According to an eyewitness, Moke had tumbled off the car and hit her head. From the extent of the collision, Moke experienced a concussion, and her face was still

swollen a day later. Moke believes the thief had purposely hit her with her car for just “$150 worth of lingerie.”

The lingerie cost Moke a visit to the hospital with cuts, scrapes, and a sore shoulder. Though she was discharged shortly after and took a day off, she is concerned about her safety. She tells the newspaper, “I have concerns for my safety going to work every day,” suggesting that this is nothing new for a retail worker. In her six years of employment at the store, Moke has had customers threatened to “punch” her when asked to pay. “I get threatened on an almost daily basis,” she claimed.

Like many thieves who target the same store, this one was no new. Moke said she recognised the woman [thieve] when she walked into the store. The retail employee added she had a suspicion that the shoplifted

had targeted the shop before. As most retail workers are asked to react quickly, Moke approached the woman when she sensed something was amiss. When the thief was getting close to the exit, “I was about to go, to try to get the items off her before she left the store, she made a run for it.”

This is when the shoplifting escalated to causing physical injuries. Moke recounted the details of the day, sharing how it unfolded. Following the woman out, Moke tried to film and capture the face of the woman, including the registration number of the car to report to the police. This is when the altercation took place, resulting in Moke’s injuries. There has been no further updates on the case as of now.

While this won’t have all 17 clubs in the league, I’m going to choose a simple 5 so that it’s not too complicated for me to write. Also this isn’t me explaining the rules of league, but I can if you need. Otherwise watch a youtube video and report back ��

What's your favourite colour?

a. Red

b. Blue

c. Yellow

d. Green

e. Purple

Where do you want to live post-grad?

a. On the beach

b. Somewhere rural

c. Big City Life

d. Hometown

e. Somewhere busy

What's your favourite drink?

a. Draught

b. Xports

c. VBS

d. Lion Red

e. Codys

What's your favourite type of animal?

a. Dog

b. Cat

c. Rat

d. Bird

e. Cow

What's your favourite weather condition?

a. Sunny

b. Rainy

c. Cold

d. Cloudy

e. Thunderstorm

Pick a music genre

a. Pop

b. Indie

c. Garage Rock

d. Reggae

e. Rap

What’s your coffee order?

a. Iced Latte

b. Cappuccino

c. Tea

d. Long black

e. Flat White

Pick a NRL tiktok boy

a. Jordan Riki & Reece Walsh ��

b. Nathan Cleary

c. Latrell Mitchell

d. Shaun Johnson

e. Cameron Munster

Jak Rāta

Mostly A’s — Brizzy Broncos

Tiktok is your home and you can’t click away. Your knowledge of all things league is from the memes of Reece Walsh and his… anyway.

Mostly B’s — Penrith Panthers

You’re a classic, a friend everyone can count on. There’s no one who majorly hates you but you’re still a bit of a prick because you know how cool you are and you won’t shut up about it.

Mostly C’s — South Sydney Rabbitohs

I won’t use big words, so you don’t get confused. But you’re doing great my friend. Keep it up ��

Mostly D’s — New Zealand Warriors

You’re a classic but you can’t make your mind up on shit. Are you here, are you there? Neither, you’re 6th on the table.

Mostly E’s — Melbourne Storm

I have nothing to add here. Except that you WANT everyone to know who you are. Always the Leo of every group and somehow never know that it’s time to stop talking. Shoutout Whaea Kyla.

Hamilton is in the top ten cities to live.

Yeah that’s right, so stop complaining about living here. Up the Tron

Waikato University to be the first institute in New Zealand to provide a course lectured by AI.

With ChatGPT gaining popularity, it looks like our uni is trying to counter plagiarism by bringing its very own J.A.R.V.I.S. Or Skynet. We’re doomed.

Pochettino to the rescue!

Former Tottenham Hotspur manager returning to the club following their 6-1 defeat against Newcastle (I’m manifesting over here).

Travis Scott confirms that his ex-flame and baby mama Kylie Jenner is romantically involved with Timothée Chalamet.

“It could have been worse,” he told our source. “It could have been Pete Davidson.”

Aunty Cindy wanted to ban Tinder when she was in office.

She realised it was filled with a bunch of fuckwits, and that STDs were spreading faster than lice in primary school. Stay safe out there.

Crush of the Week

— Suga

I know I might get shit for putting another K-Pop artist after last week, but Agust D/Suga of BTS just dropped his new album and absolutely killed it.

The “Haegeum” music video was basically a cinematic masterpiece, and while I don’t really know the full story/lore behind all of his music videos, I still think this was great. The acting, the visuals, and the overall talent really came forth. Someone please give me a ticket for his tour.

Their words [Twatter]

“who tf subscribed me to this”

Ice Spice realising that she was paying for my OF, sorry sis.

“pizza con piña”

— You just KNOW Bad Bunny be tasting so damn good. I mean what?

“i like ur casual sing along”

— Hahahaha, step on me Rosalía. Please

News in Number

— Tyler is finally noticing me belting when I’m doing squats at the gym. Thanks king.

Maryland man wins the jackpot for the

old

year

Christopher Capel was stranded in the Philippines after a cruise ship left him while he received medical assistance at this stop. Feelsbad. goals were conceded by Spurs last weekend. Fuck that team.

time after using the same numbers. Teach me your ways.

Bad Bunny

“La k pica Spicy, wasabi Yo soy natural, Wabi-Sabi”

Cheeky 10 [Movie Inventions That Should Be Real]

Spy Kids Microwave

I would sell my soul for this. I WILL sell my soul for this.

R2D2

Lightsabers are an obvious choice, but everyone needs an R2-D2 in their life.

Machete Electroshock Gumballs

We just need all of the gadgets from Spy Kids.

J.A.R.V.I.S.

The only AI anyone should trust.

Dog Translator Collar

Up is a cinematic masterpiece, but I think all everyone wants is to communicate with dogs.

Hoverboards

When these came out, we expected to see the ones from Back to the Future Part II. Do better.

Neuralyzer

Men in Black is awesome, but there are so many things I want to unsee and this would be perfect.

Smart Wardrobe

Clueless is a cinematic masterpiece, and while I’m sure an app like this exists, I need my mornings to be like chers.

Jurassic Park

This counts, right? 5 v 1 those velociraptors, bet.

Super Soldier Serum

Captain America or the Winter Soldier, who you got??.

Being tucked away in the bottom righthand corner of maps (that is if we even get put on them), we often forget about how much stuff is actually going on beyond our shores. See, when I talk internationally, I mean the whole globe. Not just those

in South America just a decade prior to Chávez taking office, became the centre of economic turmoil after his mindless financial

It doesn’t really seem right to begin a discussion of this topic without talking about the political mess over there right now. Since 1999 the same party has been in control. This has led this party, PSUV, to gain control of pretty much everything political, at least a little. From the courts to the electoral government and the control of their power have become close to non-existent. So, what does this mean? Well, for one it means their head of state, whom they give the label president, appears to play the role of more a dictator than anything else. This means he’s a very powerful man. Not good for voters.

But first, who is this President? For quite some time it was

Internal protests that occurred over the next three years, about an ever increasing humanitarian crises, were repeatedly and harshly crushed. After this display of the political chokehold he has, he rigged the 2018 election and with the support of the military, the results stood. Now, the Venezuelan national currency, the Bolívar, is not even worth the paper it's printed

invasion of Ukraine. But, despite all this, people are too scared to speak out. Who can blame them?

Afghanistan

In 2021, the Taliban regained control the moment international forces fled from their land. I’m sure you remember the videos of Afghans, terrified of the regime that was to return, clinging to departing aeroplanes which they soon inevitably fall from to their death. The slogan “doomed if we stay, doomed if we leave” really seems fitting when reflecting on this situation two

On top of all this, the country sees almost all of its population (that is, except those involved with the Taliban) in poverty. The country was lucky to avoid famine last year but it’s predicted it won’t be so lucky this year. The political miracle they need , former Haitian President, was a touchy subject in the country. He was loved by some, hated by others. Unfortunately, a lot of those who hated him were more powerful than

against drug trafficking gangs in Haiti. It’s

Now, these gangs whose fingers were being pried off the control of the nation, claimed a firmer grip. Today in 2023, they are hijacking the distribution of crucial items - food, water, and gas. Those that are impoverished are left with nothing as increased prices of basic goods are at an all

aid their campaigns hoping they can finally be the one to assert

One Thing at a Time

by Morgan Wallen Kōpae Pūoru Jak Rāta

I’m not a marathon runner, so I’m not sure of long-hauls and the emotions you’d endure. With that said, I can probably say that I can relate to fatigue and exhaustion as I undertook a 36 song tracklist and a clocked out 2 hour listen with Morgan Wallen’s One Thing at a Time. As someone who isn’t a country music listener, or even a Morgan Wallen fan, this was my 5K run on a misty Saturday morning with rocks in my shoes. This fucking sucked.

After a quick google, it turns out Wallen isn’t this innocent boy singing about a beer in his hand, as controversy struck the kid in 2021 when a video that caught him drunkenly using the N-word to a friend was released. In response to the video, his contract was suspended by his label. He was criticised by fellow artists and multiple radio stations completely stopped playing his music. Why is this important? Wallen leads with a track called “Born With A Beer In My Hand” where he instantly addresses that he “ain’t the devil that I acted like years ago.” Wallen’s production is beyond impressive throughout the album, especially with records like “Sunrise” and “Cowgirls” (feat. ERNEST). Wallen has some solid tracks, a couple of personal favourites include “F150-50” and “Neon Star”.

However, none of this will let me deter from the fact that this album has 36 songs. Now I would understand if it

was a best of compilation, or even a live track list from a show that he’s done in the last 12 months, but it isn’t. This is just a personal circle jerk of content. No track actually has anything of major significance to add to the conversation, it’s a joke.

Perhaps I’m coming off a little bit jaded as I’m not a major country music fan. But I don’t believe that you have to be a fan to be able to listen and enjoy the music. I can get it on to Wagon Wheel as much as the next person, but what I can’t do is sit through a 2 hour diatribe as he tries to evoke some magical pussy to come and sit on his face and ride on until the sunset. Or something of that matter. Country music, to me, feels almost like an endless circle of nothingness struggling to catch on.

Catch me adding any of these tracks to my playlist, nor will I ever be listening to this album on my own accord. If they come on on shuffle for some reason, I probably won’t be jumping to change them as none of them are that shit. I just think that overall it wasn’t my favourite album of the year. I will never take away from the impressiveness that is a 36 track album with numerous collaborations and a fuck load of complaining about a warm beer and not enough diesel in his truck. Good onya Wallen, hope that you find that pussy that you’re looking for.

Cleopatra and Frankenstein

by Coco Mellors Pukapuka

‘m not going to lie; I’ve read this book about twenty times. Every time feels like the first though, and it is one I absolutely cannot wait to read again.

Cleopatra and Frankenstein by Coco Mellors (2022). Yes, 2022, and I have really read it that many times within the last year. I usually stay away from new releases with shiny New York Times Bestseller stickers on the cover, however, this changed my opinion on that. Funnily enough, the first time I read the book, the whole time I was thinking to myself, ‘This is great; I could have written this’ However, on the final page of the book, it details that Mellors took seven years to write the book and I now see why. Its execution is so effortless that it feels natural and, therefore, is easy to get stuck into, unlike far too many books nowadays that require a skim read of the seemingly off putting and boring first hundred pages before anything gets near to juicy.

Right, to the actual book. Nope, this book is not a Nonfiction biography of Frankenstein and Cleopatra but a Fiction account of the romantic endeavours of Frank and much younger Cleo. Cleo is beautiful and intelligent beyond her years, so after an encounter in a dairy, she gets intertwined with Frank, who is much older and, therefore, seemingly wiser than the men Cleo usually dates. However, happily ever after is not achieved through one simple dairy encounter, so the book

continues to follow the twos for lack of better words, ‘spicy’ relationship. Frank’s issues with substance abuse and Cleo’s burning desire for something more or arguably a way to escape are present in the form of Frank’s best friend- who is a retired model. Go, Cleo, I say. Her relatability and likeability make her the perfect protagonist for this 312-page journey. I wish I could spoil the ending, but I fear I’ve said too much already!

This book is for the beach, in bed and frankly, on the toilet, and everywhere in between because it’s impossible to put down. It’s seriously better than sexgive it a try! As much as I think we all agree Netflix adoptions don’t tend to honour books very well, I really hope this gets made into one- so that I can audition for Cleo and have all these encounters with charming older men!

Leilani Summer

I feel like I’m all out of ideas for this column, and that’s honestly just because I haven’t watched anything new for a while. However, I do remember writing about the rules you have to follow in order to survive a slasher film. While it was a good list, I’ve realised that those rules won’t help you against paranormal forces (if you think they will, you’re already dead). In that case, here’s how to survive against the supernatural, specifically demons if that wasn’t clear.

Know Your Shit

Did you just get a crazy cool offer on a house that looks like it costs way more than it does? Run. The chances of that place being haunted are higher than Earth being round. If you don’t know the history of the place, move the fuck on.

Now Is Not The Time To Read

Have you noticed that there’s always one person that goes snooping, and they find an old book that clearly has a ritual in it but they read it out loud anyways? Dumbass. You’re literally asking to get possessed. Do better.

“Do Not Open” Means DO NOT OPEN

The amount of movies I’ve seen where a character decided to open something that clearly tells them not to is insane. Do

they not know how to read? Sure, I told you not to read in the rule before this but come on now, you can’t be that fucking dumb.

Watch The Footage

This rule is here because I get so annoyed when the characters in the Paranormal Activity franchise don’t look at their video footage. Like, you guys set up cameras for a reason? If you decide cameras are the way to go, actually use them. And then if you see something crazy, take that shit straight to a church (I don’t actually know if it works like that but they can’t just turn you away… right?).

Stay Together

If you end up running off by yourself, maybe you don’t deserve to survive any type of horror movie. There’s like a negative chance you’ll be back. So, stick with at least two other people (choose VERY wisely). If you’re alone, you’ll either get possessed or die like every other side character.

Express Your Feelings And Follow Your Gut

I’ve seen a few characters in horror movies talk about how uneasy they feel, or even tell the main character that what they’re trying to do is stupid and

they all need to leave. LISTEN TO YOUR OWN ADVICE. If nobody else is willing to get their head screwed on straight, do yourself a favour and get out of the situation. They always kill off the smart character sooner or later, so run.

Talk To An Expert

I don’t know if there’s any reliable demonologists out there (that’s what they’re called right?), but in every film I’ve seen where people are fighting against demons, they never go straight to an expert. They talk to like, normal ghost hunters and them seance bitches. Don’t do that. Find someone with the right credentials and get that shit rolling from the start.

I could keep writing, but you’re all side characters anyways. And what are side characters good for? Dying.

- Tehana De Klerk

TIMEZONE TIME! ZONE

Timezone is a great place to go, whether it be to hang out with friends or just have fun on your own. Don’t go on your own, though. What are the best games for maximum ticket collection, you ask? Well golly gosh I sure would love to tell you all about that.

Flappy Bird

With this specific app knockoff that Timezone in Hamilton has, the tickets you get is equal to double the points you get in-game. Each pipe you get through is one point, except for the candy cane striped ones, which gives you five. These occur seemingly random, and sometimes you can get a bunch in a row at the start. Depending on how good you are at it, this can be a very reliable source of tickets.

SkeeBall

If there’s anything I’ve learned from that one episode of Regular Show, it’s that SkeeBall gives the most tickets at the arcade from that one episode of Regular Show. This is not the case at Timezone though, but it’s still pretty reliable if you’re good at SkeeBall.

Rabbids VR

Just don’t fucking do it please, I want that thing gone. It is a stain left on all of my

Timezone experiences. It just sits there and watches me while I’m tryna get in the zone (the timezone zone) and it throws me off. Just get rid of it and put a Speed of Light there, that’s SUPER easy to cheat with.

Speed of Light

Okay so Timezone doesn’t have this one and I know technically that this is the Timezone Time Zone zone, but there’s one in the arcade in Centre Place next to the dinosaur mini golf. I don’t know how the ticket system works there exactly, but I know that you can push the button that says there’s only one person playing the game and have as many pals as you like join you.

ANYTHING that isn’t based on skill is a scam, the existence of pure luck-based games is what blurs the line between arcade folk and gambling addicts. Also if it even slightly resembles a claw game, get the FUCK out of there. Those things are directly responsible for my not being able to purchase the Spiderman Super Web Slinger back in 2012. It was so cool man, it shot webs and water

Spiderman Super Web Slinger

Okay so I know that technically this is a list about the best games to get tickets with at Timezone and technically the

SSWS is a toy from my childhood, but I need an outlet, okay? I’ve just got so much baggage dude,

My Trauma

It all started when I saw Son of the Mask in theatres. This is because I was born during a showing of Son of the Mask in theatres. I had been taking a while, so my parents thought they had time to catch a flick. Since that very day, I have been worried that I had some Son of the Mask-esque abilities, which sucks cause that movie was asscheeks

Ass cheeks

Okay I’m done.

- Joel Collins

He definitely thinks he’s cool with this vape, but he's actually an arrogant prick (Aunty Cindy's words, not just mine) Could probably vorteke one long white in

Have you ever found yourself pondering the hard questions in life, especially when you're a box deep and stuck trying to bum a puff from your rich mate. You're inhaling that Pineapple goodness and wondering, "I wonder which vapes each politician is?" Well this week, I've answered that question for you. In a visual form, cause you know ADHD.

- Kat Jones

I don’t know, cool like he is

Doing her part for the environment with the recyclable vape, but staying woke with the jungle juice and the “its white cis men who cause violence in the world” comment

Looks just like a cigar or rolled up dog shit for our favourite tobacco lobbyist

1000 puffs would still probably last longer than his short stint as National Party leader, brown cause he’s the agricultural spokesperson and probably likes to play in cow shit.

Mega plus, because I know, as the finance spokesperson, she has mega stonks.

Almost as Big, as the big problem of climate change. Tastes like grass so that ties in well with the Climate.

Actually the worst flavour and probably one of the most expensive disposables there is. Which should still fit into our anti- abortion, seven homes owned, why should we increase minimum wages, millionaire Luxon’s budget.

Once again, cool like she is

I don’t know, she looks like a shortland street character and I think that a fictional television character is the only person who would enjoy this flavour

Tiktok: ADHD Euphoria

If you told anyone before the twenty-first century that short videos would be the most addictive and widespread drug of our time, I don’t think they would have believed you. I mean, I think even now, we all live in denial. I’ll be the first to admit the itching that gets to me usually during dinner (or any other task that involves me separating from my phone for more than half an hour), to get back into the humble position of lying on my back, watching endless reels and TikToks. I honestly would pay good money to see the stats on ADHD nowadays. I know I have it, but since Tiktok and the rise of short videos, it seems like everyone and their dog does too. Or at least just the surface-level traitsname one person under twenty-five with an attention span! Good luck. I don’t know about you, but I struggle to watch Netflix anymore unless it’s 2x speed. Criminal, right, but I can’t possibly be alone on this. I can only dream of the energy-fused children our generation of TikTok-addicted parents will raise! Future preschool and kindergarten teachers better be on a high salary and car package.

Anyway, to the positives. No one’s bored! A three-hour video-watching hole is a pleasure I indulge in every morning and afternoon. Everyone’s also an expert on everything. I thought I knew everything before, but I definitely do now. Including learning that baby dolphins have feet in the womb! Now that’s an image I hope you picture for the rest of the week! What else have we got? Well, I can now judge people even faster and more precisely than ever before. How do I do this? Not by being mean and catching second-hand embarrassment from your dancing, but by seeing how you react to the thread of 30 videos I send you a day. If you actually watch them and reply, you’re a maniac.

If you like the last one and don’t watch anything, you’re normal, and we can be friends! Why I can spend hours watching videos but not a single minute watching those that have been sent by a friend is baffling, and I know it’s not just me because not a single person has watched a video I have sent them (that’s why we are still friends!).

Finally, let’s have a look at the history of Short videos. Honestly, the most Iconic I can think of is the Air New Zealand safety videos. They were really ahead of their times. Unlike most of the short videos we see nowadays, I know these were educational, but that

Don’t be a kid, listen to podcasts

Nothing, and I do mean nothing, describes me more than a 1 hour long sit down convo between two people who don’t have the credentials to be discussing subjects like space travel, all the way to homicide cases from 1969. Haha nice. So imagine my glee when this argument was brought up in the Nexus group chat.

Recently I’ve seen the major influx of everyone struggling with concentration without a million videos to aid in their viewing experience. Now I’m not going to sit here and say that watching TikTok with subway surfers doesn’t intrigue me just a little–but I’m a grown man. I want to be able to listen to some actual discourse about something I’m only mildly interested in. And where better than reaching for the podcast app. There’s definitely grounds for an argument in favour of just watching recaps on YouTube shorts or Reels but that only scratches the surface. Can you seriously sit there and tell me, with a straight face, that you’ve no interested in learning more as to why Drew Afualo is yelling at some Pākehā boy about fixing his attitude?

Sure okay mate.

Also I’m a gym-goer, pause for applause, and I cannot listen to myself grunting but with the backing track of Jorja Smith. I can hear the pātai now “How are podcasts any different? Can’t you still hear yourself?”, well yes. But you’re too busy wondering what actually happened to the body of wee Suzy Salmon to care about hearing yourself breathe, it’s enough to distract even the most ADHD of us all. It’s also a great way to fill time, their pacing just gets better and better every week. I’m able to listen to a 55 minute podcast no issue. Maybe even two. Podcasts are so much different these days then even 4 years ago. There’s interjects, there’s cuts, there’s side-quests. Podcasts are the Skyrim of media and I will not listen to anyone else on the matter.

I think everyone needs to get some ritz and just settle the hell down. Be so real and start 1-upping that brain with some self-help. Or even just listen to Sarah and Kendahl on the BCC Club.

Come find me if you want some good shows to listen to.

Let’s start off easy aye? How are you doing?

I’m actually in bed with covid, round three. I’m working my way through the different variants to compare and contrast. This strain is 6 out of 10, mild but a bit cranky. Apart from that I’m just busy getting ready for my upcoming album release with Lars Moston. Our album “No Time To Explain” comes out on 19 May, and we’ve been releasing singles and music videos every 6 weeks since October. We have a tendency to make music videos with overly elaborate costumes, so my life has been a whole lot of running around in weird getups being a weirdo lately. One was a tongue-in-cheek faux-spaghetti western that we filmed in the New Zealand mountains and Egyptian desert - lots of epic scenery, inflatable horses and fake mustaches… Check it out on Youtube - it’s called “Now Is Love”. https://youtu. be/x02ymBRJ6iA

Standard question for the kids, tell us more about the name. What does it mean? Is there a deep meaning behind it?

Well my name is Leah, which apparently means “weary”, cheers Mum. But I make music under the name Murmur Tooth, which means, well, nothing. It started as a band, and because democratically deciding a band name can be arduous, we just ended up just picking two words we all kinda liked and putting them together. Then we went our separate ways and I carried on solo and just kept the name so I didn’t have to make a bunch of new internet profiles, haha!

You’ve got a unique sound, but how would you explain what kinda music you make without using sounds terms?

Well my music can be quite dark and raw, but also quite beautiful at times. Maybe a good non-sound description for my songs would be “gutter diamonds”. I’m entirely focussed on my multi-genre collab project with Lars Moston these days though, and the sound that we’re producing is really different. I come from classical, metal and rock and he’s a house DJ

Mārakerake � Murmur Tooth

and producer, so we’ve been playing around with how our completely opposite music backgrounds can work together. The songs that are coming out range from deep house to quirky pop, but it’s not dark like my solo stuff. If I was to describe the Murmur Tooth & Lars Moston sound without using sound terms I would have to use our album title “No Time To Explain”. That’s the most apt description we’ve come up with for our music so far…

Tell us more about the collab with Lars Moston, how did it come about? What did you learn from this experience?

We met at a bar, got on like a house on fire, and spent the night paying each other out about each other’s music tastes. So it seemed like the obvious challenge to try and produce a song together, which turned out to be a heap of fun, so we just carried on making songs together. I’ve learned so much about the electronic side of music working with Lars, and it’s completely opened my horizons. On this album we also played around with “un-electronicing” traditionally electronic sounds. We recorded a lot of our own percussion, for example - bags of chips for snares, spaghetti on a metal fan for hi-hats, walkie talkie static for atmospheres - just lots of random repurposed household stuff. https://www.murmurtoothandlarsmoston.com/

What’s the goal as an artist, where do you want to be in five years?

I want to keep exploring the nexus of songwriting and genre with Lars - it’s really fascinating to see how musical ideas can be interpreted through the lens of different genres. And once the album is out we’re looking forward to more live shows - our live set is pretty fun - we have a keytar! In 5 years I would love to be doing both these things but with a more fluid home base - the ultimate would be to be able to chase summer around the world!

If you could eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Pies. Ze Germans don’t do pies and I miss them so bad. They are usually quite sensible, so I don’t understand why they can’t just put some meat in some pastry.

And what’s on the horizon for you? What are we looking out for?

We just released “Poison”, the last single from our album - this one is a bit special, it’s a transformative cover of the Alice Cooper classic - very different and a bit intense - check that one out. https://youtu.be/luiSE9HAz2I

And y’all should definitely be looking out for our album “No Time To Explain” in May, of course. We’re also going to be doing a NZ tour in January, so come along to a live show and have a dance.

Bedtime Cheese

Joel Collins

Not whatever you’re thinking it is, you goddamned freak. My fantastic new food invention, Bedtime Cheese, will revolutionise the bedtime snack market.

Ingredients:

A lot of grated cheese

A lot of ungrated cheese

Step one:

Put the ungrated cheese on a microwaveable plate (make sure that the plate is microwavable).

Step two:

Put the grated cheese on top of the ungrated cheese.

Step three:

Put the friggin’ thing in the microwave or I swear to god I will kick the shit out of you. Look up. Look up from the page. See that guy? That guy that’s walking towards you? That’s me, coming to kick the shit out of you. All this could’ve been avoided if you had just put the plate in the microwave like I said. Oh well, too late now!

Step four:

Now that you’ve had the shit kicked out of you, you can rest your severely injured bones with BEDTIME CHEESE, for eating in bed!

Schemed

SCHEMES FKN WEEKLY

Joel Collins

Scheme number two

The Tuesday Morning Routine

STEP ONE:

Purchase a food item at burger king. The item’s sloppiness is a factor, also its structural integrity, it needs to be strong enough to throw.

STEP TWO:

Find a busy roundabout/intersection nearby. I recommend intersections for first-timers as with roundabouts it’s harder to know where each car’s going to go and that throws off your timing.

STEP THREE:

Engage chucking. Aim for the expensive looking ones.

STEP FOUR:

Minmax your routine. Choose your main projectile (mine’s chicken sandwich, the splatter from the mayo

is unbeatable) and practice, practice, practice. Maybe change BK’s every once in a while, after the first couple of times at the same place they start to expect it. After you’ve somewhat seasoned your propelling practices, you’ll be good enough to get every car in the roundabout even during peak traffic.

STEP FIVE:

Pricewise, getting the BK app doesn’t really help but you could always roll the dice on an Uber Eats grab bag. Just act timid and resigned and they’ll believe it.

If you question why at any point you are betraying the way of the scheme

YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT THIS IS C*NT

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

THIS ONE IS FOR THOSE WITH LOW VISION.

WORDS... OBVIOUSLY

CROSS THEM OUT AS YOU GO...

Dick

Dilldo

Dick-sneeze

Death

Dickbag

Dickbeaters

Dickapointment

Disappointed

Dicks

DipShit

Dangerous

Dickslap

DickJuice

Dicksucker

Dickhead

Docking Drongo

Dookie

Divorced

Douche

Dickmilk

Dumbshit

Damm

Discomfort

TRIVIA

ONLY COOL KIDS DO THIS PART NOW.

1. Wha t museum, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, was opened in 1959?

2. In Greek mythology, who did Zeus place in the heavens as the constellation Ursa Major?

3. The Golden Glob e Awards honour excellence in which two industries?

4. Which candy bar b ears the name of its inventor's family horse?

ANSWERS FROM LAST WEEK: 1. BREAD 2. NEW MEXICO 3. GAMEBOY 4. 1967