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TitlePage
Copyright
AboutDemonontheDown-Low
KeepinTouch-wide Dedication
SupernaturalSelectionPersonalAd
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
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AmessagefromE.J.
AlsobyEJ Russell
AbouttheAuthor
Acknowledgements
Contents
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentsareeithertheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactual personslivingordead,businessestablishments,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental Allperson(s)depictedonthecoveraremodel(s)usedforillustrativepurposes only
DemonontheDown-Low
Copyright©2019,2024byE.J.Russell
Allrightsreserved Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopying,recording,orby anyinformationstorageandretrievalsystemwithoutthewrittenpermissionoftheauthor,andwherepermittedbylaw Reviewersmayquotebriefpassagesinareview
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WedonotconsenttoanyArtificialIntelligence(AI),generativeAI,largelanguagemodel,machinelearning,chatbot,orotherautomatedanalysis, generativeprocess,orreplicationprogramtoreproduce,mimic,remix,summarize,orotherwisereplicateanypartofthiscreativework,viaanymeans:print,graphic, sculpture,multimedia,audio,orothermedium Wesupporttherightofhumanstocontroltheirartisticworks
Coverart:LC Chasehttps://lcchasecom
Editors:Carole-AnnGalloway,RachelHaimowitz,KellyMiller
ISBN:978-1-947033-77-1
Secondedition March2024
Contactinformation: ejr@ejrussellcom
After decades of unrequited love, this kangaroo will jump at the chance for a date. Anydate.
Lovelorn kangaroo shifter Hamish Mulherne, drummer for the mega-hit rock band Hunter’s Moon, waited years for the band’s jaguar shifter bassist to notice him. Instead, she’s just gottenmarried and is ina thrivingpolyrelationship. How is Hamishsupposedtocompetewiththat?Butwitheveryoneelseinthebandmatedandrevoltinglyhappy,heneedssomebody Sincehecan’texpecttruelovetostriketwice,hesignsupwithSupernaturalSelection.Becausewhatthehell.
WhenZekeOzwasplacedatSupernaturalSelectionthroughtheSheolwork-releaseprogram,hethoughthewastheluckiest demonalive.Butwhenheseemsresponsibleforseveralmassivematchmakingerrors,he’sputonnotice:findtheperfectmatch forHamish,orgetbootedbacktoSheolforgood.Theonlycatch?Hehastodoitwithouttheagency’smatchmakingspells,and Hamishsimplywillnotengage.
ButZekestartstobelievethatthereasonallofHamish’sdatesfizzleisbecausenobodyinthedatabaseisgoodenoughfor him AndHamishrealizesthathisperfectmatchmightbethecutedemonwho’stryingsohardtomakehimhappy
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Witheverystepdownthedimcorridortowardtherehearsalstudio,Hamish’sstomachknottedtighter Gods, I hate this
Heusedtobesochuffedforeveryrehearsal,foreveryconcert,evenforthemilesontheroadwhenHunter’sMooncouldn’t cutthroughFaerietotheirnextgig Becauseeveryminutewasonemorehecouldspendwithher Anyminutemightbetheone when Tiff finally paused between one bass progression and the next, and glanced back at Hamish with love instead of annoyance.
Now?Allthosemomentsheusedtocherishwerenothingbuttorture,becauseTiffwasglancingwithlove,allright ather wife.Orherboyfriend.Orbothatonce.
Bollocks
Butwhenhepeekedinthestudiodoor,theroomwas emptyexceptfor atall,dark-hairedfaestretchedoutonthestudio’s rattyorangesofa andhewasn’tevenpartoftheband.
Hamishheavedarelievedsighandsaunteredintotheroom.“Oi,Niall.Youlookedbetterafteryougotpulledoutofhell.”
NiallMcTierney,thebandleader’sboyfriend,didn’tevenflinchatHamish’sgreeting.“Itwasn’thell.Itwastheunderworld. InGovannon’sforge,tobeexact There’sadifference”
Hamishtossedhisbackpackbehindhisdrumkit.“Govannon’sforge.Hades’sjointbeyondtheStyx.Sheol.Allof’emsound likehelltome,sowhymuckaboutwithdifferentnames?”
Nialldidn’tbothertoopenhiseyes.“Tryvisitingeachofthem,andyouwon’taskthatquestion.FromwhatI’vebeentold, comparedtoSheol,theforgeisabloodypicnic,andHades’sgloomycourtisafour-starresort.”
“Remindmetostayoutofallof’em.”Hamishgrabbedhisdrumsticksoffthesnare,thensatonthesofaarm,nudgingNiall’s legsoutofthewaysohecouldplanthisfeetonthethreadbarecushion.“Youdidn’tanswermyquestion.”
“Youaskedaboutunderworldnames Ianswered”
“Thequestionwasimplied.Why ”Hamishstartedtobeatadoubleparadiddleagainstthesofaback“ doyoulooklike shite?”
“Workingonacase.It’skickingmyarse.NowstoppoundingonthefurnituresoIcansleep.”
Niall’scommandwasridiculous,soHamishignoredit.“Arehearsalstudio’sthewrongplaceforanap,mate.Doesn’tyour brother” headdedthesoleofNiall’sbootintothebeat “theFaerie Kiiinnng haveaspareroominthatbloodygreatKeep ofhis?Forthatmatter,what’swrongwithyourownhouse?”
“I’dlikenothingbetterthanmyownhouse,butIhaven’tbeenhomeinthirty-sixhours,andI’vegotapproximatelyfifty-eight minutesbeforeIhavetomeetaninformant.IthoughtI’duseatleastafewofthoseminutestokissmyboyfriendbeforeyoulot startrehearsal Unfortunately ”hecrackedaneyelidandpeeredupatHamish“ he’slate Andsoiseverybodyelse Except you.”Heclosedhiseyesagain.“Imaginemyjoy.”
“Youknow youlove me. Who else would yougetto go bungee jumpingor cliffdivingwithyou?” Hamishswitched to a nine-strokeroll “PIbusinessisbooming,eh?” Niallgrunted.
“LastIchecked,youhadabusinesspartner Isn’tMalpullinghisweight,ordoeshelooklikefivemilesofbadroadtoo?” “Iwouldn’tknow.”Grimacing,Niallshiftedhisshouldersasifheweretryingtofindamorecomfortablespotonthesofa.
Pointless, mate. You ought to know that by now. “ItoldhimI’dhandlethisonesohecangetreadyforhiswedding.” Hamishmissedabeat. Weddings Gah! Hegatheredhissticksinonehandandforcedasmirkthathehopedlookedsuperior andnotconstipated “Didyouvolunteer,ordidMal’sfiancéthreatentoputadruidcurseonyouifyoumadehimworkleading uptotheceremony?”
“Itwasmyidea Buttheremighthavebeenadruidcurseloomingonthehorizon”Niall groaned,pressingtheheelsofhis handsagainsthiseyes.“IfI’dknownhowmuchpaperworkwasinvolvedinbeingaPI,I’dhaveturnedthejobdownflat.”
“Nah You’dhavetakenit Whenitcomestodutytothesupernatural community,you’reagoner AndMal’s justas bador worse. Crusaders, the bothofyou.” Hamishflipped a stickinthe air. “Seeingyoulike this makes me glad I’ma care-fornobody.”
Niallsnorted “Youcare,allright Youjustpretendotherwise”
Hamishfumbledthenextsticktoss,anditclatteredtothefloor. Not talking about that. Not now. Not ever. Heretrievedhis fallenstick,thengotupandsetthepairofthembackonthesnareonhiswaytothemini-fridge “Ithoughtyouhadthathuman photographerworkingforyou?What’shisname?Matt?Isn’the pullinghisweight?” “He’stieduponsurveillanceforthiscase,buthecouldn’thandlethepaperworkanyway Hedoesn’thavetheclearance”
“Thenhiresomebloodyofficehelp.”Hamishgrabbedacoupleofwatersoutofthefridge.“Oristhesupecouncilsostingy youcan’taffordit?”
“Thecouncilpaysjustfine,notthateitherofusneedit ButMalhasunrealisticexpectationsofwhatofficehelpshouldbe If hecan’tfindsomeonewhomeetshissky-highstandards,hesayshe’drathergowithout.”
“Easyforhimtosay”HedroppedonebottleonNiall’sbelly,causingNialltoflinch althoughhecaughtthebottlebeforeit rolledontothefloor.“He’soffgallivantingwithhisfiancé.”
Niallpushedhimselfupandswunghisfeettothefloor.“Ifitwasmegettingmarried,I’dwantthesame.”Hecrackedopen thewateranddownedhalfofitinonego.
“Speakingofthat...whyaren’t youandGarethgettingmarried?Isn’twaitingtwohundredyearslongenough?”
“I’mwaitingfortherightmoment”Niallleanedhisheadagainstthesofaback,holdingthewaterbottleuprightonhisbelly
“Somehow,whenthebandisstilltouringandI’mbarelyconscioushalfthetimeandchasinganimpossibletargettherest,the idealmomenthasn’texactlypresenteditself Besides” heclosedhisbloodshoteyes “Iwouldn’twanttostealthespotlight fromBryceandMal,andneitherwouldGareth.Whenyouspenttwohundredyearsbeingadicktoyourbrothers,you’vegota lotofarrearstomakeup.”
WhenNiall hadfirstshownupagainafteracouplecenturiesofbeingMIA,Hamishhadn’ttrustedhim.Whatkindofidiot blokewouldabandontheloveofhislife whoactuallylovedhimback anddoarunner?IfTiffhadevergivenHamishthe leasthintthatshewasinterested,he’dhavebeenherslaveforlife Hestillwas,worseluck.ButatleastheandNiallwerematesnow. “Hmmm Seemstomeyouneedabreak Howaboutweheadoutafterrehearsalanddosomebungeejumping?” “Areyoumental?It’sFebruary.”HepeeredatHamishthroughslittedlids.“Notthatyou’dknowbyyouroutfit.”
Hamishwavedthecommentaway.“Shiftersrunhot.Comeon,Niall.It’swinterinPortland,butyou’refae.Youcangateus throughFaerieinthetwinklingofakelpie’seyeandwecouldbeinmidsummerinCairns”
“Youdorealize,”Niallsaid,tappingonefingeragainsthiswaterbottleinanon-rhythmthatsetHamish’steethonedge,“that somedayGarethisgoingtofindoutaboutthosetripsandhe’llgoballisticonourasses?”
Hamishshruggedandtookaswigofhisownwater.“Youweretiedupinhellforacouplecenturies.Canyoublamehimfor wantingyoutobesafe?”
Niallcockedaneyebrowathim.“It’snotmehe’sworriedabout,boyo.Heknows I dothatdaredevilshite.Hejustdoesn’t knowIdoitwithyou.”
“Me?WhywoulditmatterwhetherI ”
“Asidefromthefactthatyou’rehisfriend,andhavehadhisbackinsomeofhisworsttimes ”Niallwinced“ including onesthatIcausedmyself,you’rethedrummerinhisband It’dbealittlehardforHunter’sMoontohittheirtourstopsifyour arms orotherbits werebroken.”
Hamish’s fisttightenedonthewater “Myother bits are nobody’s business” Literally Nobodywas interested inhis other bits, leastofall the personhe reallywanted to be interested inthem. “Theycould fall offfromatrophyand nobodywould care.”
Niall scrunched his face “I’m not talking about those bits, you wanker I mean your legs, your head, your back Although...”Hetossedhisemptywaterbottleintotherecyclingbin.“Maybeweshouldtalkaboutthem.”
“How aboutwe don’t?” Hamishput a little don’t-fuck-with-me into his tone while he ditched his water and grabbed his drumsticksoffthesnare.“Gottawarmup.”
He shouldhave knownNiall wouldn’tlisten.The madbloke hadspenttwohundredyears resistingtorture tokeepGareth safe.Heknewhowtopersist,damnit.
“She’sworriedaboutyou,youknow.”
“Tiff?Yeah.So worried she can’thelp butglow withbleedinghappiness. Do youknow how weird thatis? She’s always beennearlyassurlyasGarethwasgloomy.”
“Trustme I’maware IthoughtshemightremovemyspleenwhenIfirstshoweduphere Butsomepeoplearecapableof beinghappyandworriedsimultaneously.Tiff’snotexactlyshallow.”
Hamishcountedoffonthesnarerim,butcouldn’tmakehimselfgoanyfurther Helaidthesticksononeofthetoms
“She’salwaysthere,Niall,justlikeshealwayswas.Ialwayshadhopebefore,youknow?Thatmaybeonedayshe’dturn aroundandsay,‘Thereheis’”Hamishranafingeralongthesnarerim “Excepteverytimesheturnedarounditwastotellme tosodoffforsomething.Andnowwhensheturns,shenevergetsmorethanhalfwaybecauseherwifeisstandinginthewings.” He flicked the hi-hatwitha fingernail. “Her wife or her boyfriend. Her wife’s brother. Imean, come on twins? How the bleedingfuckcouldIevercompetewiththat?”
“Iheard” Niall’stoneturnedtentative “thatVitoraskedyouout.”
Hamishsnorted “No Notjustno Hell no” “Notintoblokes?Ornotintothepolything?”
“It’snotthat Imean,I’mnotpicky” Except I’ve been in love with the same person for decades “Butifyou’reinlovewith somebody,thelastthingyoushoulddoishookupwiththeirfriend.Orworse,theirboyfriend.You’retoocloseandnotclose enoughatthesametime.”
“Ah Thatmakessense,Iguess”
“Don’tgetmewrong.IlikeLuci.Whowouldn’t?Imeanshe’sprobablythenicestperson certainlythenicestjaguarshifter onthe planet And Vitor is fuckinghot, notto mentiona little bitnuts, whichwould be attractive onanybodywho wasn’t Tiff’sboyfriend.ButIcan’t.”
Niallstoodupandstrolledovertostandinfrontofthebassdrum.“Sodatesomebodyelse.”
“Yougotsomebodyinyourbackpocket?BecauseIhaven’tfoundanybodyelsewho’d ”
“Youhaven’tfoundanybodyelsebecauseyouhaven’tlooked.You’vebeenfocusedonTiff.”Niallliftedahand,asifhe’d patHamishonthe shoulder ifthe kitweren’tinthe way Butthenhe letitdrop “And she’s outofreach, boyo She always was.”
Hamishsighed “Iknow ButIneedtimetoprocess” “Igetit.Butyoumaynothavethetime.” “Whatdoyoumean?”
“Thewedding’snextweek.YouplanningtobetheonlyunattachedmemberofHunter’sMoonatthefestivities?” Hamishfeltthebloodleavinghishead.“Bollocks.”
Niallpulledabusinesscardfromhispocketandhelditout “Here”
Hamishtookthecardbetweenathumbandforefinger.“What’sthis?”
“SupernaturalSelection Matchmakingagencyforsupes” Hamishscowledatthecard.“Whydoyouhavesomethinglikethat?PlanningtoditchGareth,areyou?”
Niallchuckled,completelyunperturbed.“Nothardly.I’veonlyjustgottenhimback.No,thiscaseisconnectedtothem.It’s runbya witches’collective, and the matches are facilitated byspells guaranteed perfect As Iunderstand it, they’ve gota rangeofservices,includingshort-termcasualcontracts.Theycanfindyouadateforthewedding.Somebodyyoucanhavea goodtimewith,evenifyousay‘solong’afterthelastbiteofcake”
Hamishstudiedthelogo astylizedfrontwardandbackwardS,formingaheart.“Perfectyousay?” “That’stheirbrand Althoughthey’vehadabitofascarerecently” “Relatedtoyourcase?What’sthedeal?”
Niallshruggedapologetically.“Can’tsay.”
“Right Snoop-clientprivilege”
“We’reinvestigators.Notsnoops.”
“You’resupesnoops Ownit,mate”
Alaughechoedinthehall outsidethepracticeroom. Tiff.Tifflaughing.The soundcurledinHamish’s chestandsqueezed hisheartuntilhegasped
Hetuckedthecardintohisbackpocket.“Guaranteedperfectmatches?” “That’swhattheysay.”
Tiff strolled into the roomwithher armaround Luci’s waist, Vitor grinningdownat her Vitor caught Hamish’s eye and winked.
Strewth “Good”ThefatesknewHamishhadn’thadanyluckfindinghisownmatch Ifhecouldn’thaveTiff,itdidn’tmuch matterwhoitwas.
AssoonasVitorclearedthedoor,SpenceandJoshenteredtogether,althoughitmusthavebeenoneofJosh’sdayswherehe didn’twanttobe touched,because Spence was close butnotinactual contact.Butthe waytheylookedateachother as if theydidn’tneedanybodyelsetobehappy...
ThenGarethwalkedin,frowningdownatthesheetmusicinhishands.ButtheinstantheglancedupandsawNiall,hisface lituplikethesun,andhewalkedstraightintoNiall’sarms.
All this love It’s enough to make me hurl Hamishdidn’tneedlove.Lovedidnothingbutkickyouinthebollocks.Butamatch?Apartner?Amate?
Yeah Hecouldgoforthat Becausehewasdonebeingalone
I wonder what it’s like to be able to go wherever you want
Zekepartedthecurtainsofhisapartment’slivingroomandpeeredatthehumansonthestreetfivefloorsbelow.Sure,some ofthemwerestridingdownthesidewalkastheyscowledattheirphones,orwerehuddledintheirjacketsagainstthewindthat flippedtheirhair,butfarmoreofthemwerelaughing,smiling,chattingwithfriends,orpeeringintothewindowsofthePearl District’seclecticstorefronts.
AsademononthepilotSheolwork-releaseprogram,Zekewasn’tallowedabroadintheUpperWorld Althoughhecould use the translocation door on the fourth floor of the building that housed Supernatural Selection’s office to access other supernaturalrealms,hewasforbiddentowalkoutthefrontdoor
Even being allowed down on the first floor would be nice. Onperilofhisworkvisa,hecouldn’tgobelowthesecondfloor wherehisofficewaslocated,butthearomaswaftingfromthestreet-levelfalafelrestaurantregularlytemptedhimtotheedge ofhisendurance.Andsometimesthedistantlaughterofthepeopleinthestreetwassojoyfulthatitliftedhisheart something hecouldneverconfess.
Afterall,demonsweren’tsupposedtohavehearts,anymorethantheyweresupposedtohavesouls At least not our own Zekesighedandrestedhispalmagainstthewindowpane,theglasschillyagainsthiswarmer-than-humanskin.Itwasnearly time for his Supernatural Selectionshift, and it was bound to be boringas, well, hell He had no client appointments, and hadn’tforweeks,notsincetheJohnson/Moreau...thing.
He still wasn’tsure how thathad happened. There was no waya shifter, however inactive, should have beenthe perfect matchfor avampire andZekecouldhaveswornthattheyhadnothingincommonwhatsoever,hadnever even met. Yetthe spellhadnotonlyallowedtheircontractwhenRustyJohnsonhadwaltzedinandproposedthematch,italsorefusedtoreturn anyother alternatives for either oneofthem Inthe resultantuproar fromboththe vampire andshifter communities noneof whichseemedtobotherMr.JohnsonorMr.Moreauintheleast thewitches’collectivewhoownedtheagencyhadbowedto thepressureandtakenthespellsofflinefor“evaluation”
None ofthe other counselors had had suchpeculiar results. Ofcourse, none ofthe other counselors were still intraining. None of them are demons either And they’d allbeengrantedindefinitepaidleave thevampire-shifterboycotthadseriously reducedSupernaturalSelection’sclientpool
But Zeke didn’t have the option of leaving. Unless he wanted to admit defeat and return to Sheol, he was stuck in this building, on effective house arrest, not to mention double probation: Magistra Lenore, the director of the collective, was conductingherownevaluation,bothofZeke’sgeneralperformance,andofhowhe’dmanagedtosubvertthespell.
I didn’t mean to subvert it It just happened
HedoubtedMagistraLenorewouldacceptthatparticularexcuse,despitehow eloquentlyQuentinBertrand-Harrington,the incubuswhosematchhadbeenthefirsttoimplode,hadarguedthatthespellwasmerelycorrectingitself.
Evenself-correctiondidn’texplainhowRustyJohnson,theinactivebeavershifterwhowassupposedtobematedwithbear shifterTedFarnsworth,hadfinagledamatchwithvampireCasimirMoreau.
Everyone knew thatvampires and shifters were inimical How onearthhad the spell notrejected that particular pairing, regardlessoftheclients’wishes?
Andthatwasthequestion,wasn’tit?Ifthespell couldmisfiresowildly,yetresultintwoapparentlymismatchedcouples whowerebothdeliriouslyhappy,how on earth haditbeenaccomplished?Sinceit shouldn’t havebeenpossibleforittobe accomplishedonearth,thewitches’hypothesiswasthatotherforcesmustbeatwork ForcesliketheallegedinsidiousevilagendaofthefirstdemonallowedoutofSheolsinceasuccubusandherdragonshifter matedefiedthehighpresidentsofSheolandfoundedthefirstUpperWorld’cubidynastyeonsago Yeah,theSheolC-suitedemonswerestillpissedaboutthat.Andsincetimedidn’tmeanmuchwhenyouwereimmortal,they reallyknewhowtocarryagrudge
Ayellow glow shimmeredonthewindow infrontofZeke,blurringhisview ofthestreet.Lettingthecurtainsfall shut,he turned to face his mandated monitor: an angel interface, manifesting as a pillar of supercilious light, that was his constant shadow Assuminglightcouldbeashadow Whatever.
“Whatisitnow?”TheAIflaredmagentaatZeke’swristlevel “Iamnotlate MyappointmentwithMagistraLenoreisn’t untilsix.”Greenedgedthemagentainadoublepulse. Not a good color combination. “Why?There’snopointingoingdown early Shewon’tseemeuntilsix,andthere’snothingtodointheoffice I’vealreadynotifiedalltheclientsthattheirmatches areonhold.”Thegreencreptoutwardinamoeba-liketendrils.“Justbecauseyou’reboreduphere ”
“Haven’tyoulearnedbynowthatarguingwithoneoftheangelichostispointlessforsomeonelikeyou?”
ZekewhirledtoseeMelchom,hisSheolsupervisor,standinginthekitchendoorway,wearingablackcutawaymorningcoat, white shirt, and graytrousers, his chin-lengthhair slicked backunder a top hat. Channeling the Edwardian era today. You neverknewwithMelchom Hemonitoredthetimestreamfromtheturnofthelastcenturyforward,andcomplainedbitterlythat itwasboringatthesametimehecomplainedthatnoother supervisorwasresponsibleformorethanasinglecenturyandhe wasapproachingacenturyandaquarter.
“Supervisor.TowhatdoIowethep-pleasure?It’snottimeforacheck-in.”
Melchomsteppedoutofacircleofbrimstonedust. I’ll have to vacuum again. “Demonsliveforchaos.Suchpaltrythingsas schedulesareforthelowerorders”HeglanceddismissivelyattheAI “Orforpriggish rule followers ”TheAIpulsedgold “Oh shut up, you self-righteous git. You can’t hope to win a curse war with an upper-echelon demon, no matter how successfullyyou’vemanagedtoneuterOzul-y ”
“Zeke. Please.” Zeke glanced around furtively, never sure what kind of surveillance spells might be in effect in the apartment.Itwasownedbythewitches’collective,afterall.“HereintheUpperWorld,I’mZekeOz.”
“Don’tbesoskittish,boy.”Melchomsettledinthewingbackchairinthecorner,crossinghislegsandfoldinghishandsin his lap. “No demon has been summoned by name since 1999. Practitioners can get anything they want now fromAmazon withoutresortingtobloodsacrifice”
“Thatdoesn’tmeanweshouldbecarelesswithournames.Ifanyoneshould ” Melchom’seyesflaredred HemightdresslikeaBritishMPfrom1906,buthewasstillademon evenifhewasonlyin charge of Sheol’s civil service. “Don’t question me.” His voice reverberated in the cramped room. “Regardless of this ridiculousprogram,youarestillmyminion.”
Zekebowedhishead “Ofcourse,Supervisor Forgiveme Imeantnodisrespect” “That’sbetter.”Melchom’svoicereturnedtonormal,andZekedaredlookup.“Now.You.”Hemadeashooingmotionatthe AI “Goaway”TheAIsparkedlikeadownedpowerline “Nonsense You’renotrequiredtomonitorhimwhenI’m here Get out.”Melchomnarrowedhiseyes.“Unlessyouwantmetoreportyouto your supervisor.Regardlessofyourpompousattitude, theonlydifferencebetweenthedemonicandangelichostsisoneofrelativeaddress”
TheAIslunktowarditsownbedroom,withafinalflashofindigobeforeitslammedthedoor.
“Isaw that,” Melchomcalled. “Don’tflip offa demonlord unless you’re readyto face the consequences.” He shookhis head “Really Ifitweren’tsoirritating andtherefore a perfectsortoftorture I’dlodge a protestagainstthatcreature for insubordination.”
Zeke twistedhis fingers together,uncertainofwhether he was allowedtositinMelchom’s presence this time “Itdoesn’t consideritselfunderourjurisdiction,youknow.”
“Yes Isn’titamusing?” Melchomsteepled his fingers, tappingthemagainst his thinlips “I’mextremely disappointed in you.”
Zekehunghishead.“I’msorry,Supervisor.AsItoldthemagistra,Idon’tknowwhathappenedtocausethespelltomisfire. Idideverythingaccordingtoprotocol,but ”
“Not that,youfool,althoughthat’s partofthe problem. Have youlearned nothing fromme inthe lastcenturies aboutthe lovelystultifyingeffects ofbureaucracy? You’re notsupposed to be efficient And you’re definitelynotsupposed to exceed their expectations.Those disasters were the onlythings youactuallydid right,and thenyouhad to ruineverythingby fixing them.”
Zekeblinked.“Youcan’tmean...Surelyyoudidn’twant metofail?”
“Your personal failure or success is irrelevant.” Melchom’s mouth pinched. “But you’re a demon. We make people
miserable,nothappy.”
Zekewaswell awareofthat,buthe’dneverenjoyedtormentinghumans,supes,orother demons,forthatmatter.Thatwas oneofthereasonshe’djumpedatthechanceforthework-releaseprogram He’dbeensurprisedthatsofew othervolunteers hadsteppedforward.He’dexpectedtohavetofightfortheopportunity,butinsteadhe’dhadnooppositionwhatsoever.Even theAIhadhadtoberecruited Maybe that’s why it’s such a jerk all the time “Butthenwhyplacemehere?”
“Don’tbenaive”Melchom’scontemptuousgazenearlycutZeketothebone “Nothingmakes people more miserable than love.”Hefoldedhishandsonhisknee.“SinceI’mhereanyway,I’llacceptmytributenow.” “But ”
“Don’tmakemescourgeyou,boy”
Zeke sighed and shuffledto the bookshelfto take downa woodenboxwitha protectionsigil carved onthe lid. “Iwasn’t expectingyouuntilnextpayday,Supervisor,soIdon’thavemuchleft Ihadtobuygroceries” Melchomtutted.“Yousee how ridiculous this is? Ifyouwere still inSheol your proper place, need Iremind you you wouldn’tneedtoeat”
Not true. Well,hemightnot need toeat,buthe’dstill behungry.All low-level demons like Zeke were. Itwas one ofthe ways the upper echelondemons controlled them. Occasionallyfeelingalmostfull was anunexpected bonus oflivinginthe UpperWorld
“MainstreamingdemonsintotheUpperWorldsupecommunityisimportant.Thecouncilsaid ” “Thecouncil Pfaugh!”Melchomsnorted,smokecurlingouthisnostrils,andheldouthishandwithitsperfectlymanicured claws. “Why would we want to be mainstreamed? Hedged in with rules, regulations, and ridiculous secrecy constraints. Homogenizedlikethedynastic’cubi.Virtuallycastratedlikethevampires.EventhatannoyingAIhasitswingsclippedwhen it’shere.Andwhy?Becausethe council is toofaintheartedtoexercisetheir truepower andputhumans squarelywherethey belong.”Hegrinned,displayinghispointedteethandequallypointedtongue.“Atthebottomofthefoodchain.” Zeke’sfistclosedaroundthesmallhandfulofbillsandcoins “Youdon’treally,um, eat them Doyou?” “Not their flesh. That would be . . . ” His snout wrinkled indistaste. “Unappetizing. But the brush of their anguish? The sweetnessoftheirguilt?Thetangoftheir despair?Delicious”Hewaggledhis fingers “Hurryup Idon’thave all day The inhumanresourcesdepartmentisundergoinganaudittoday,andthere’llundoubtedlybelashestohandout.” Zekeofferedthemoney.“I’msorrythere’snotmore,Supervisor.”
Melchomrolledhiseyes.“Don’tbeanidiot.YouknowIcan’tacceptthatcurrency.” “Ifyou’llwaitamoment,I’llasktheAItoconvertit.”
Melchomwavedonehandasiftryingtodissipateabadsmell “Notnow Mystomachcouldn’tstandit Haveitreadyforme nexttime.” He lifted his lip, exposinga fang. “And Iexpectyouto have the full measure bythen. Perhaps fashioned into a tastefulgoldencalf I’minthemoodforalittlegratuitousidolatry”
“Butthewitchesdon’tpaymethatmuch.Andtheconversionrateis ” “Thenyou’d bestfind a wayto supplementyour income.” Melchombared his teethfully. “The onlyreasonthe overlords agreedtothisridiculousarrangementisbecausetheythoughtitwouldbenefitthem Ifitdoesn’t ”Heshrugged “We’llshut itdownandputyoubackwhereyoubelong firmlyundermyhoof.”
BeforeZekecouldproperlyabasehimself,Melchomvanishedinapuffofsmokereekingofsulfur Zekecoughed,staggering tothewindowtoopenitandcleartheair.
Whenheturnedaround,theAIwasloominginthemiddleoftheroominasullenswirlofturquoiseandochre,stillflashing randomsparks.
Zekescowledashesettheboxbackontheshelf.“Hesendsyououtoftheroombecausehedoesn’tlikeyou.”Aboltofpink shotthroughthe lightpillar “Yes, I’maware the feelingis mutual” He slapped his moneyinto the obsidiancrucible onthe coffeetable.“Couldyouconvertthatforme,please?”
GreeninfusedtheAIasitdriftedoverthetable
“Yeah,yeah.Iknow.Takeyourcut.”Whenthepillarretreated,thecrucibleheldagoldnuggetnobiggerthanZeke’spinkie fingernail He peered at it, then fixed the AI with a narrow-eyed glare “That’s not ” The AI flared white on one side, illuminatingtheclock. Five minutes to six? Shit. “Youknowwhat?Nevermind.”
Hegrabbedhistieoffthebackofthebarstoolandracedoutthedoor.Somedayshe’dalmostpreferSheoltobeingsaddled withanangel
Hamisheyed Niall, who was saunteringalongthe sidewalknextto him, hands inhis pockets, glancingaround witha half smileonhisface.“Youknow,mate,youdon’tneedtoescortme.Ialwayskeepmyappointments.I’mnotabouttoskiveoffthe Supernatural Selection orientation ” Hamishmade air quotes withhis fingers, eventhoughhe hated people who did that “Notafterfillingoutthatbloodyquestionnaireonline.Ithoughtyousaidthewholethingwashandledwithspells.”
NiallblinkedatHamishasifhe’djustnoticedhewasthere.“What?Oh.Theyare.Usually.Butthey’vehadacoupleof ” Niall squinted into the air, head tilted to one side as if he were listeningto something, thensmothered a laugh “Let’s say irregularities.”
Hamishcockedaneyebrow “That’snotwhatyouwereabouttosay Comeon Spill” “It’snotme.It’s ”Niallrubbedthebackofhisneckwithagrimace.“Garethevermentionthe ethera toyou?” “Ifit’ssomethingyoutwogetuptoinbed Ow!”HamishrubbedhisarmwhereNiallhadpunchedit. “Nothing close, arsehole. Show some respect. No, they’re . . . spirits for lack of a better word. Sort of a supernatural interface betweenrealms. Since Iwas outofpocketfor so long, theytryto be helpful. Kind of like supplyingsubtitles for popularculture”
“Soyouhearvoices?”
Hesighed “Ido WhetherIwanttoornot” “Yeah?Sowhat’dtheysayabouttheSupernaturalSelectionsituation?”
Niall’smouthquirkedinacrookedsmile.“Theyveryobliginglyreferredtoitasafuckup.” Hamishbarkedalaugh.“Ohthat’sgrand.Yourecommendedmetoashitematchmakingagency?What,Idon’trateonethat doesadecentjob?”
“Oh,theydidadecentjobdespitethe irregularity ”Niall emphasizedthe wordtothe air atlarge,whichwas justweird “Twoofthemostsuccessfulmatchesinrecentyears,eventhoughnobody includingthemeninvolved wouldhavebelieved ittobeginwith”
Huh. Maybeifthisplacecouldsnatchsuccessoutofthemawoffuckup,theycoulddosomethingtofixhissorry-asssocial life.“Sowhyareyouvisiting?Ifyou’rethinkingofcheatingonGareth ” “Don’tbeanidiot I’minterviewingthecollective’sdirectorforthecase”Hisbrow puckered “There’s somethingdodgy goingon,andthewitcheswantQuestInvestigationstoproveitwasn’taproblemwiththeirspellcraft.”Niallstoppedinfront ofaglassdoorbetweenaMediterraneanrestaurantandanewage-ybookstore “Thinkyoucandoit?”
Niallshruggedandopenedthedoor “Notiftheproblemreallywas withthespellcraft” HamishfollowedNiallintothebuildingandupastaircase.“You’renotfillingmewithconfidencehere,mate.” “Can’thelp that.” He gestured toa door withthe Supernatural Selectionlogoonit. “This is your stop. Good luck.” Niall continuedupanotherflightofstairs “Luck,”Hamishmuttered.“Shite.Idon’tneedluck.Ineedabloodymiracle.” Hepushedthedooropen,theslighttingleashepassedthethresholdatip-offthattheplacewassecuredbyperimeterspells Theemptyreceptionareawasn’tparticularlybig guess they’re not hosting speed dating for trolls andthedecorscreamed
Pleasant! Tranquil! Intimate! inawaythatsetHamish’s teethonedge.Hewas adrummer,sodit.He didn’tdo pleasantor tranquilorgods-help-himintimate.
The receptiondeskatthe end ofthe roomwas vacant No clients and no staff Notexactlya ringingendorsementfor the SupernaturalSelectionbrand.
“Oi!Anybodyhome?”
Aweirdgoldenlightspilledfromanarchwaybehindthedesk,andamomentlater,amanwithamopofdarkcurlshurried into the room He blinked big dark eyes behind wire-framed spectacles that glinted with some kind of obvious spell, and Hamishdidn’tneedtobetheOracleofDelphitotelltheguywasfrazzledtowithinaninchofhispertlittlearse.
“I’msosorrynoonewasheretogreetyou.”Hissmilewasclearlyforced.“IwaswaitingtomeetwithMagistraLenore,our director”
Hamishgrinned.Theguywasjustsocute.“Yeah?Aboutanythinginteresting?”
“Yes No Imean,well,you,Isuppose”
“You’resayingI’mnotinteresting?”Hamishslappedahandoverhisheart.“I’mcrushed.Althoughimpressedbyyourinstant insight Imean,we’vebarelymet Usuallyfolkswaituntilthey’veknownmeatleastanhourbeforetheyfigurethatout”
The guy’s lips twitched, as if he were about to smile for real, but then a pillar of dingy yellow light as big around as Hamish’sbassdrumoozedoutthedoorbehindhim.
ThehairsliftedonHamish’sarmsandthenapeofhisneck Settle down It’s a pillar of light Hamishwasusedtolighting effects hewasabloodyrockmusician,andHunter’sMoondemandedstate-of-the-arttech butthatmuchwattagewithoutan instrumenttogenerateitkickedhiskangarooinstinctsintofightmode
Theguymusthavefeltittoo,becauseassoonasthelightcasthisshadowontothedesk,hisalmost-smiledisappearedand heseemedtoshrinkatleasttwoinches.“Ibegyourpardon.Imeantnodisrespect.”
“Hey.Itwasajoke,mate.Noworries.”Hamishextendedhishand.“HamishMulherne.”
The guy shot a sidelong glance at the light, and reached across the desk. “Welcome to Supernatural Selection, Mr. Mulherne”HetookHamish’shand,andaprickleofsomekindofpowerraisedHamish’shairalittlemore butnotinabad way.“I’mZeke.ZekeOz.”
“Oz,eh?Thenwe’llgetalongfine”
Zekeblinked.“Wewill?Why?”
“Oz.Youknow.That’sanicknameforAustralia.”
“Oh.Ofcourse.”Zeke’stongueflickedouttolickhislowerlip.“Mr.Mulherne,I’mafraid ” “Hamish.”
“What?”
“CallmeHamish.Idon’tstandonceremony.Ever.”
“A-allright Hamish,I’mafraidthere’sbeenamisunderstanding Well,notamisunderstandingsomuchasanoversight Or rather,notanoversight,buta...aschedulingdifficulty?”
Hamishgrinned.“Youtryingtosaysomebodybollixedsomethingup?”
Zeke blew outa breath “Yes”The lightturned greenish, like ithad beenhitwitha vomit-colored filter “Imeanno But SupernaturalSelectionisnotcurrentlyacceptingnewclients,norarrangingmatchesforourcurrentclientele.I’mnotsurehow yourintakeappointmentslippedby I’vebeencontactingallourclientspersonallyoverthelastfewdays,andIdeactivatedthe intakewebsitemyself.How IfImayask,howdidyouarrangethisappointment?”
“Me?The usual way,Ireckon Igotyour card froma mate ofmine who’s doinga spotofworkfor your witches Hitthe website.Filledouttheform.Gotanemailwiththeappointmenttime.”
Zeke’s eyes widened. “You The website Butthat’s impossible.” He turned to his computer and typed something, his fingersmovingalmosttoofasttosee What kind of supe is this guy anyway? Hepointedtothewebpageonthemonitor “You see?”
Thescreenread Our sincere apologies, but our site is down for maintenance
Hamishshrugged.“Don’tknowwhattotellyou,mate.That’swhathappened,andhereIam.Canwemoveforward?” “Butthat’sjustthething We can’t move forwardbecause the matchmakingspells have all beendismantled” He waved a handatthescreen.“For...formaintenance.”
“Needabitofdustingandvacuuming,dothey?Alittlespitandpolish?”
Zeke’s eyebrows drew together “Of course not There were a few incidents that ” Dark-blue sparks flashed inside the bilious light, and Zeke flinched. “The reasons are immaterial. Suffice it to say that Supernatural Selection is committed to findingtheperfectmatchforeachofourclients Whenourspellcastersdiscoverwaystoenhancetheprocess ” “Makethematchesmoreperfect?Howdoesthatworkout?”
“Notmoreperfect.Ofcoursenot.Buttostreamlinetheprocess.To to ” “Tonotbollixitup?”
Zeke’snostrilsflared,andredglowedinthedepthsofhiseyesforaninstant.“That’snotwhatIsaid.”
“Relax,mate.Iknowyoulothadsome...whatdidNiallcallit?Ohyeah. Irregularities. ” Zeke’salreadypaleskindrainedofallcolor,andhesankintohischair.“Youknow?Doeseveryoneknow?Isitpublic?”
Hamishsatdownontheothersideofthedeskandhelduphishands,palmsout “Hedidn’tspillanydetails Infact,hekept itclosetohisvest,sodon’tgetyourknickersinatwist.Butsincehe’stheonewhorecommendedIsignupwithyou,hecan’t thinkit’stoobad,eh?”
ZekeglancedoverhisshoulderatthelightbeforemeetingHamish’sgazeasifhewerefacingtheguillotine.“No.Isuppose not”
Hamishtiltedhishead,squintingattheturquoisetendrilssnakingthroughthelight.Ifacolumnoflightcouldlooksmug,this one did. Whatthe hell was thatthing? “Ifyoudon’tmind myasking, what’s up withthe lightingeffects?” Hamishflicked a fingerattheeffectinquestion
“Lightingeff ”Zekeglancedoverhisshoulder.“Oh.That’stheAI.” “AI Artificialintelligence?”
“No.Angelinterface.”
Hamishsnorted “Right”
“No.Seriously.Theangelichostcan’tinteractdirectlywithbeingsonthisplaneofexistencewithoutriskingcontamination.” “Contaminationofwho?Usorthem?”
TheAIpulsedred,andsplotchesbloomedonZeke’scheekstomatch “Um ” Hamishchuckled.“Itjustsaidsomethingrude,didn’tit?”Zeke’sexpressionturnedbland,whichwasadeadgiveawayasfar asHamishwasconcerned “Don’tworry Iwon’taskforatranslation Butwhywereyouinflictedwithasentientfollowspot anyway?”
Zeketuggedonhisshirtcollar.“It’srequired.”
“Why?Asafetymeasureincasethelightsgoout?Coupleofflashlightscouldhandlethat.”
“No.I I’mademon.AspartofthepilotSheolwork-releaseprogram,I’mrequiredtohaveanAIobserveratalltimes.”
“Fuckmedead”Hamishleanedforwardinhischair,hisfootsearchingvainlyforhisbasspedal,becauseifeverheneeded topoundonsomething...“You’rejoking,right?”
Zekehalfrosefromhisseat “Ifyou’drathernotworkwithademon,Iunderstand Ican ” Hamishlungedacrossthedeskandcaughthiswrist.“That’snotthefucked-uppart,mate.Hells,I’veplayedonthesamebill asDeathMetalPorcupines.Nothingcouldbeworsethanthat.Imeanthey’retreatingyoulikeaprisoner,andthisthingisyour bloodyguard.”
Zekesankbackinhischair,hisgazefocusedonHamish’shand.“It’sforeveryone’ssafetyandcomfort.”
“That’swhatthebloodyVictorianssaidaboutthepoorblighterstheyshippedofftoBotanyBay”HereleasedZeke’swrist “Andifyoudon’tmindmysaying,youdon’tlookallthatcomfortable.”
Zeke’slipstwitchedagain “ComparedtoSheol, anything ismorecomfortable Now,backtotheissueathand Withoutthe matchmakingspells,we’renotabletoprovideyouwithournormalservices,so ” “Soprovidemewithdifferentones.”
Zeke’smouthdroppedopen “We wedon’thaveanydifferentones Ourbrandistoprovideyourperfectmatch” Hamishleanedanelbowonthedesk.“Look.Idon’tneedperfect.Infact,Idon’tbelieveinperfect.” Rather, I know who my perfect would have been, but she’s permanently unavailable “Ijustwantsomeonewho’lldo YouknowwhatI’msaying?” “That’snotreallywhat ” “Look,mate Yousaidyou’vebeencallingpeoplefordaystellingthemtoputtheirdreamsonhold Aren’tyoutiredofthat?” Zekerolledhiseyes.“Youhavenoidea.”
“Thenlookatthisasatreat.I’mnotpicky.Youknowsomethingaboutyourclients,amIright?”
“Yeeesss”Zekecouldn’thavesoundedanymoreuncertainifhe’dtried “Thenfindmeapartner.”Hamishleanedbackinhis chair,restedone ankle onthe opposite knee,andlaiddowna single strokerollonhisthighwithhisfingers “There’sabsolutelynowayyoucanscrewthisup,becauseIknowgoinginthatperfect isagiantloadofshite.”
Zekegoggledatthebigkangarooshifteracrossfromhim,whosegrincausedadimpletocreaseonecheekunderhisgolden scruff.SupernaturalSelectionforbadehimfromcontradictingaclientoutright,but...
“You...youdon’tthinkloveisreal?”ZekewantedtodemandthatHamishholdstillandstopthatdrivingrhythmthatsetup anoddresonanceinZeke’schest Sheol wasall aboutthechaoticandunexpected Zekewasn’tusedtoorganized,structured
rhythms,andthesoundmadeithardforhimtothink.
“Ididn’tsaythat.Love’sobviouslyreal.Butit’snotperfect.Andit’s notsymmetrical.Oneblokecanbeinloveuptohis eyeballs,buttheonehe’sarseoverteakettlefor?”Hamishshrugged,butdidn’tstophammeringonhisthigh “Maybeuptotheir ankles.Orworse,maybeuptotheireyeballsoversomeotherperson.”Hescowled.“Orpersons.”
Clearly there’s a story there Ifthespellswerestillactive,ZekewascertainHamish’smindwouldbechangedregardless of his backstory, because Supernatural Selection could absolutely find him the perfect mate. Not that the perfect mate guaranteedlovenecessarily,buteversinceZekehadbeenacounselor-in-traininghere,ithadhappenedeverysingletime
Even when it shouldn’t have. TheJohnson/Moreaupairingwasinexplicable,yes,buthestillgothotbehindhiseyeswhen hethoughtoftheFarnsworth/Bertrand-Harringtondisaster.Yetthathadturnedintooneofthemostsuccessfulmarriagesinthe supecommunity,judgingbythewaythetwomendotedononeanother
ButZeke’s pastmistakes were immaterial rightnow. The mainthingatthis momentwas to convince HamishMulherne to postponehissearchforamatchuntilafterthespellwasbackonline anduntilZekecouldfigureoutnotonlyhowHamishhad accessedthewebsiteinthefirstplace,buthowhe’dbeenabletooptoutofenteringanymatchpreferences.Itwasalmostasif thespellhadstillbeenineffect
Ifonlyhe’dstopthatdistractingsound.
“Mr.Mulherne ”
“Hamish”
Zeketookabreath.“Mr. Mulherne,I’mnotentirelycertainwhy,ifyoudon’tbelievein...insymmetrical love,or inthe possibilityofaperfectmatch,you’vechosentoseekoutourservices”
“That’sobvious,innit?Youlotareinthebusinessofpairingpeopleup.I’munpaired.” “Justtobeclear youdon’tbelieveinloveorinaperfectmatch,yetyoustillwanttobepaired?”
“That’sit.Shouldn’tbetoohard,right?LikeIsaid,I’mnotpicky.”
“Don’tyouthinkyououghtto be?” Zeke couldn’thelp the edge ofannoyance inhis tone. If you ’ re not picky, go hit the Bullpen Surelytheshifterbarcouldprovideplentyofchoicesforthenon-discriminating Hamish’sbrowssnappeddownand thankLucifer hisfingersstilled.“What’sthatsupposedtomean?” “Don’tyouthinkyoushould atleast consider what or rather who would make youhappylong-term? And how you’ll makeyourpartnerhappyaswell?Thematchinvolvesatleasttwopeople.Youcan’texpecttheotherpartytodoallthework andmakeallthesacrificessimplybecauseyou’relazy.”
TheAIjerkedforward,itsnimbusenvelopingZeke’sshoulder,andashockpassedthroughhisbody.Zeke’s eyes clenched shut, his muscles seizing. Pain! Thenitvanished as the AIbacked away althoughnotas far as ithad beenbefore while Zekepantedintheaftermath Yeah, yeah I get it No being rude to the client, even if we want him to leave
Whenheopenedhiseyes,Hamishwashalfoutofhischair,reachingacrossthedesk.“Youokay,mate?Needabitofaliedown?ShouldIcallsomeone?Getyousomewater?”
“No.No,I’mfine.Justa...momentary,er,glitch.”
“Aglitch,eh?Yousure?You’restilllookingatadrocky.”
“I’llbeallright Butcouldyouexcusemeforamoment?”
“Noworries,mate.Takeyourtime.”HamishsatbackdownandbeganthatdistractingdrummingagainasZekestoodupand escapedthelobby
TheAI,ofcourse,followed.
ZekerefusedtolookatitashenearlyrantowardtheprivatestaircasetoMagistraLenore’soffice “IknowIshouldn’thave beencheeky,butyouheardhim.Hedoesn’twantperfect.There’s nowaywecanmakehimhappy.”TheAIpulsedasullen, fadedindigo.“That’s easyfor youtosay.Doyouknow the problemwithsomebodywhodoesn’tknow how toaskfor what theywant?”Hepointedafinger atwheretheAI’schestwouldbeifitwereanactual person “They’ll never getit Because theywouldn’trecognizeitifitbitthemintheass.”
He turned and ranthe restofthe wayup the stairs Magistra Lenore’s door was openand he didn’thear voices The fae who’dappropriatedZeke’s scheduledmeetingtime withher musthave left.Zeke tookhis courage inhis hands, ignoringthe AI’ssnarkymagentaflashes,andpeeredinside Shewasstandingatthewindow,herbacktothedoor “Magistra?CouldIhaveamoment?”
“Thisisnotagoodtime.”Shedidn’tturn.“Tomorrow.” “I’msorry,butthiscan’treallywait”
Shesighedheavilyandturned,herfacemorphingfromCronetoMaidenwithoutpassingthroughMother.Butthen,Magistra Lenorewasn’ttheMothertype “Thenbequick”
“There’saprospectiveclientdownstairs.Somehowhewasabletoregisterandobtainanappointmenteventhough ” “Youinformedmethatyouhaddisabledtheregistrationsoftware.”HerfaceslippedtowardCroneagain.
“Yes.Idid.However ”
“Andtooktheappointmentscheduleroffline.”
“Ofcourse.But ”
“Thentheproblemisyourstoresolve.”
Zeke’s palms grew damp, somethingthat never happened outside the deepest recesses ofSheol demons were veryheat resistant. But not panic resistant, apparently. “Magistra, how canwe ” She shothima look. “Imeanhow can I find his perfectmatchwithoutthespells?Ifwe IfI don’tsucceed,itwillreflectpoorlyontheSupernaturalSelectionbrand”
“No,Mr.Oz.ItwillreflectpoorlyonthesuccessoftheSheolwork-releaseprogram.Thisisyourlastopportunitytoprove youshouldn’tbesentpackingandtheentireexperimentshutdownasafailure You’vemadeerroraftererror,andIhavetoask whetherthoseerrorswereintentional.”
Zeke’sstomachplummeted.“Wh-wh-what?”
“Demonsarewell-knowntothriveonchaosandstrife,toseekitout,toengenderitinothersinanattempttoensnaresouls sincetheyownnoneoftheirown.Whatbetterwaytocausestrifethanbyinterferingwithlove?”
Has she been talking to Melchom? “Isweartoyou,Magistra,thatInever ” “Donotswear.”HerfacewasfullyCroneagain,andpitiless.“Vowstakeninthisplaceholdapoweryou,assomeonewho isunusedtoourmagic,cannevercomprehend Youhaveonechancetosavetheprogram”Sheraisedonegrizzledeyebrow “Tosaveyourself.MakeHamishMulhernehappy,whateverittakes.”Sheturnedbacktothewindow.“Nowleaveme.” “But ”
“Areyoustupidaswellasincompetent?Go!”
Zekewent,theAIbouncingalongathis sideas ifitwereskipping,glowingasmugelectricpink.“Shutup.Nobodylikes hearing‘Itoldyouso’”
AlthoughZekekepthistonesharp,insidehewasquakinglikeagelatinousmound.ThankDarknessthattheAIcouldn’tread minds,becauseifitknewhowterrifiedZekewas,he’dneverheartheendofit. TheAIflashedyellow.
“I’mcoming.Keepyourshirton.”Zeketrudgeddownthestairs.“Assumingyouhaveashirt,”hemuttered.“Orachesttoput iton”Turquoisebloomedinsidetheyellow “Yeah,yeah I’msure you’re a paragonofangelic beauty Pardonme ifIdon’t believe it until I see it. The angelic host’s benchmarks don’t exactlyalignwiththe demonic, youknow.” Silver joined the turquoise “Well,thatsuitsmetoo,sodon’tgloat” Heforcedonefootinfrontoftheother. This is a disaster. Theentirefateofthework-releaseprogramlayonhisshoulders, onhisabilitytofindaperfectmatchforamanwhowouldn’tarticulatehisdefinitionofperfect,whodidn’tbelieveinperfect, whodidn’tevenknowwhatperfectmeant.
No pressure. I just need to find what Hamish Mulherne is looking for and when I can’t, it’ll bite me in the ass. Inother words,he’dhavehisoldlifebackandhe’ddoanythingtoavoidthat Ifhecouldn’tmakeHamishhappy
Wait a minute . . .
Zekefroze,theAIbouncingpasthim MagistraLenorehadn’tsaidZekehadtomakeHamishaperfectmatch onlytomake himhappy.Thatwassplittinghairsperhaps,butshewasrightaboutthepowerofwordswithintheconfinesoftheSupernatural Selectionbuilding.
She’s given me an out
Now all he had to do was figure out how to take it without jeopardizing his job, his life in the Upper World, and his nonexistentsoul
JudgingbyZeke’sstiffgaitandthewayhewasgrittinghisteethashesatinhischair,someonemusthaveinsertedasteel pipeuphisarse.“I’msorryforthedelay.Ihadtocheckonafewthingswiththemanagement.”
“LikeIsaid,noworries”Hamishtookhisleg-drumminginanotherdirection,switchingtoaSwissArmytriplet “Moving on?”
“Yes.Ofcourse.”Zeketurnedtohiscomputer,hisfingerspoisedoverhiskeyboard.“Perhapsyoucantell mewhyyou’ve decidedtocontactSupernaturalSelectionatthistime”
“Toldyou.I’munpaired.Iwanttofixthat.”
“Andthereasonyou’vechosentouseamatchmakingserviceratherthanseekingyourownpartner?”
Hamishfrowned.“Gettingkindofpersonal,aren’tyou,mate?”
Zekestaredathim,aflickerofredinhiseyes,butthenhisgazecuttotheAIandtheflamedied.“I’msorry,Mr.Mulherne ”
“Hamish,forcryingoutloud.”
“ butwithoutthespell’sassistance,theonlywaywecanfindamatchforyouisifyoutellmeeverythingaboutwhoyou are and what youneed.” His gaze flicked to his monitor. “When you filled out the online registration form, you elected to bypassenteringanyprofiledatainfavoroflettingthespelldoallthework Withoutthespell,wehavetogobackandfillin thedata.”
Hamish’s beat faltered. He could see Zeke’s point, but his stomach curdled at the notion of telling a stranger about his patheticlovelife.Badenoughthathe’dfallenforNiall’ssuggestion whichwasadmittingthathewasincapableofscoringon hisown.“Itoldyou.I’mnotpicky.”
“I’mafraidoursearchparametersdon’tincludeanoptionfor‘alloftheabove’Doyouhaveagender-identitypreference?” “Nah.I’mopen.”
Zeke’seyebrowsdipped,andheinhaledasifhewereprayingforstrength Diddemonspray?Hamishknewzipaboutthem Forthatmatter,everybodyknewzipaboutthembecausethey’dbeenstuckinSheolsincethebeginningofforever.
“Youleftthesexualorientationselectionempty.ShallIenterBi?Pan?Omni?”
“Enterwhateveryoulike LikeIsaid ”
“You’re not picky. However, computer software without magical assistance is extremely picky.” Zeke peered at the screen, clickinghis mouse a few times “You’ve also left the preferred-species selectionblank What type of supe are you interestedin?”
“I’mnot
“Stop.Youmusthave some preference.We’retalkingaboutyourlifepartnerhere.” Hamishshrugged.“I’mnotmuchintotentacles.Butanythingelseisfairgame.” Zeke’seyesflashedredagain “Fair game?Thisisn’tasafari Ourclientsarenotprey tobe ” “Heyheyhey.”Hamishhelduphishandsinsurrender.“Badchoiceofwords.Iapologize.I’lltrytobemorecooperative.” After all,itwasn’tZeke’s faultthattheloveofHamish’s lifedidn’twantanythingtodowithhim Hmmm Maybe he should call outsomespecificsafter all.ThelastthingheneededwastoberemindedofTiff.“Shifters arefine,althoughIguess I’d
ratherkeepawayfromthebigcats.”Hetappedhisnose.“Allergies.” “Okay.”Zekegnawedonhislowerlipandclickedhismouse.“Butsincewe’rebetweenthesolsticeandtheequinox,alot ofshiftertypesarestillinhibernationseason Theydon’tfeelmuchlikesocializing Theyjustwanttonap” Hamishshrugged.“Doesn’thavetobeashifter.I’mgoodwithfae atleasttheonesthatdon’teatpeople.Vampiresareout becauseofthewholeshifter-blood-is-poison-to-themthing Plus I’dprefer todate someone whodoesn’twrinkle his nosein disgustifIgettooclose.”
“Noted Wehavenovampiresonourrostersnowinanycase Thelastonewasrecentlymatched Toashifter,asamatterof fact.”Zeke’sbrowknottedinconfusion.“I’mstillnotentirelysurehowthathappened.”
Hamishgrinned.“Thatoneofthe irregularities you’rebotheredwith?” Zeke’scheeksturnedblotchyredagain Guess demons don’t blush gracefully Forsomereason,thatwasratherendearing “So.”Zekeclearedhisthroat.“Speciesisn’tadealbreakerforthemostpart.Isthereanythingthatis adealbreaker?” “Nogroupies That’smyonlyhardline LastthingIneedissomebodywho’sonlyintomebecauseI’mintheband” “Soyouwantsomeonewhohatesmusic?”
“Nah They’vegottalikemusic Youcanaddthattothedealbreakers,Iguess Theycanevenliketheband Theyjustcan’t likethebandfirstandmesecond.”
Zeketypedafewnotes.“Whatkindofmusicshouldtheylike?”
“Rock Blues Soul”WhenZeke winced, Hamishrealized his misstep “Balls Sorry Imeanifyou’re sensitive aboutthe wholedemon-soulthing ”
“It’sallright”Hisgrinwasalittlewobbly “I’musedtoit”
But why should you have to be? “Sowhatkindofmusicdo you like?” “Me?”Zekeblinked.“Idon’tknow.”
“Whatdoyoumeanyoudon’tknow?Youmeanyoulikeallmusic,sonothing’safavorite?”Hamishgrinned.“That’spretty bloodyeclectic,mate.Yourplaylistsmustbeatrip.What’syourfavoritesong?”
“Idon’thaveone”
“Everyonehasafavorite.Ormaybeyou’rethetypeofblokewhohasadozenfavorites.Comeon.Nameone.” “I Ican’t”
“Isitagainstthebloodyrulesorsomething?”Hamishscootedforwardinhischair.“Iwon’ttell.”
“No,youdon’tunderstand.Ican’tnameonebecauseIhavenothingtochoosefrom.There’snomusicinSheol.”
Hamish’sjawsagged.“Nomusic?You’reshittingme.” Zekeshrugged.“I’mafraidnot.Now ”
“Waitwaitwait Iwanttounpackthisalittle Nomusic at all?”
“Really,Mr.Mul Hamish.Thisisnotaboutme.Sinceyou’veentered‘musician’asyourprofession,wecanfilteron ” “Istillwanttoknow ”
“Whataboutsex?”
Hamishblinked.“Sex?Youwantto ”
Therewasthatsplotchyblushagain “Notme You Youlefttheconsummationboxunchecked,butsinceyoulefteverything else unchecked as well, I need to ask. Are you expecting sexual consummation of some description as part of your relationship?”
“Well.Yeah.Doesn’teverybody?Ifiguredthatwasatrickquestion.”
“No,Mr Mulherne Itwasnot”Zeke’stonewaspositivelyarctic andhe’drevertedto Mr Mulherne
Just grand, Hamish. You’ve bollixed it up again. Andhedidn’thaveanexcuse,either.Hells,twoofhisbandmateswereon theacespectrum.Thankstoanill-timedvisittotherehearsal hall restroom,heknew Niall andGareth,er,consummated,but Garethwasgrayace HamishhadnoideawhatJoshgotuptowithSpence norwasitanyofhisbusiness althoughmostof thetimeJoshdidn’tshyawayfromSpence’stouch.
“Sorry”Hamishhunghisheadandscrubbedhishandsthroughhishair “I’vegotabadhabitofbeingtooflippant Defense mechanism, I guess. But I should have knownbetter.” He raised his head and met Zeke’s gaze. “I do know better. I’d like consummation,butit’snotadealbreaker”
“Verywell.Youcanchooseoptional.Willthatdo?” “Ireckon.”
Zekefrownedathim,andHamishgottheimpressionthatiftheAIweren’tloominglikeagiantTaseratZeke’sback,Zeke wouldhavepoppedoffanotherzinger. Wonder what it would take to get rid of that thing?
“Ifyou’renotwillingtoengageintheprocess,Mr Mulherne,I’mnotsurewecanhelp Augh!”He rubbed his shoulder wheretheAIhadbumpedhim.
Hamishsurged out of his chair and pointed at the AI. “Look, you. I’mnot muchinto watchingsome arsehole who hides behindalightscreentortureablokewho’sonlytryingtodohisjob.Sobackthehelloff.”TheAIbrightened,swirlingredand orangeandgold,asifitwereabouttosupernova.Itdidn’tmove,though,anditsnimbusbrushedZeke,whowinced.“Imeanit.
Now.I’vegotfriendsonthesupecouncil” not that I want to bother them with my pathetic love life “andI’mprettysure they’dfeelthesame.”
The AI’s glow turnedmuddyyellow,anditdidn’tsubside all the waytoits pre-tantrumlevel,butatleastitmovedaway fromZeke.
Zekerubbedhisshoulder,hisdarkeyesshinybehindhisglasses “Th-thankyou”Heclearedhisthroat “Ihope youknow I’m only trying to find the best way to serve you, Mr. Mul Hamish, but you have to realize that the feelings of your prospectivepartnerareequallyimportant Iwanttomatchyouwithsomeoneyou’llfindcompatible,someonewhohassimilar interestsandexpectations.Ifyoudon’ttellmewhatthoseinterestsandexpectationsare...”Heheldouthishands,palmsup. “Well,youseemydifficulty?”
Hamishdidn’tsitdownagain Hewasn’tusedtobeingstationaryforsolong Evenwhenhewasdrumming,hespentmore timeoffhisstoolthanonit.HepacedinfrontofZeke’sdesk.“Yeah.Igetit.I’msorry.ButIneverthoughtI’dbeatthispoint, youknow?Ithoughtthatsomeday,she’d ”Histhroatclosedup Zeke’slipsparted,andheletoutabarelyvoiced Oh.
Damn it Hamishpacedtothewindowandlookeddownatthestreet “Nevermind” “Idon’tmeantobeintrusive,sinceIcantellthisisasensitiveareaforyou,butwhyhaveyoudecidedtoseekapartnerat this particular moment?” Zeke’s voice was soft and apologetic. It raised Hamish’s hackles and made him grind his teeth together “Ifyou’vesufferedarecentdisappointmentortrauma,makinganothermajorlifechangemightnotbethebestoption” HamishwhirledandglaredatZeke.“Ifyoumustknow,IneedaweddingdateandIreally, really don’twanttohookupwith theblokewho’sthetwinbrotherofthewifeoftheloveofmylife who’sneverlookedtwiceatmeexcepttotellmetosod off.”
Zekeblinkedathim.“Ifthe,er,bloketellsyoutosodoff,whywouldyouthinkhewantstohookupwithyou?”
“Nah, he didn’ttellmetosodoff. She did.”
“Hissister?”
“No,”Hamishsaidthroughclenchedteeth UnderstandingdawnedonZeke’sface.“Ooohhh. ”
“Yeah,nowyougetit ThelastthingIneedistohookupwithherboyfriend” “Wait.What?Whoseboyfriend?”Zekepulledononeofhiscurls.“I’msoconfused.”
“Canwejustputthataside?Mybandmate’sbrotherisgettingmarriednextweek,andIdon’twanttobetheonlyonethere withoutapartner.”
Zeke’sbrowknotted.“Butyou’reseekingapermanentcontract?”
“Yep Oneanddone,that’sme”
“ForgivemeifI’msteppingoutofline,butdon’tyouthinkselectingapermanentmatesoprecipitously,andsimplybecause youneedaweddingdate,isabitextreme?”
“Nah.I’vebeenalonelongenough.It’stime.”Heploppedinthechairagain.“Now,canyouhelpmeornot?”
Lucifer’s balls, if anyone finds out I did a desire evaluation on Hamish Readinga client’s desire was against his employment agreement with Supernatural Selection. The spells were supposed to sift through inappropriate or superficial wants toaddresstheunderlyingneed.
But it’s what demons do Allofthem,Zekeincluded,couldassessatarget’sweakness,theirdeepestlonging althoughonly thosewho’dachievedcollectorrankcouldusethatknowledgetostartnegotiationsforavictim’ssoul.Zekewasn’tacollector, norwasheeverlikelytobe,sohe’dtrainedhimselfnottodelveintohungersandweaknessesthatdidn’tconcernhim
Whenhe’dre-enteredtheroom,Zekehadsteeledhimselfnottopeek,eventhoughitwouldhavemadehisjobeasier.Ifhe hadn’tcaughttheedgeofreallonelinessanddespairinHamish’svoice,Zekecouldhaveresisted,justashe’ddonewithevery otherSupernaturalSelectionclient.
Buthedidcatchit,sostronglythatavisionofawomansprangfullyformedinZeke’smind.Shewassturdilybuilt,onthe shortside,withtwofulltattoosleeves Shewashunchedoverastringedinstrument,andwhenshelookedup,hecouldtellshe wasajaguarshifter.
So Hamish would be happy if she loved him Buttangledupwiththedesirewasregretandresignation,becausemorethan wantingher,hewantedhertobehappytoo.
Notanoptionthen,evenifZeke did havethepowertomakeithappenonhisown.
But someone who likes music Someone who may or may not be interested
Oh.
“Youknow,IthinkImayhavesomeoneinmindforyou.Butyou’llneedtoengage.”
“Ithoughtthat’swhatweweredoinghere?”
Zekesmiled.“Imeantinforgingtheconnectionwithyourprospectivepartner.Withoutthehelpofthespell,you’llhaveto, well,date”
“Date?Idon’tdate.Idon’tthinkIeverhave.”
Zekeblinked “What?Never?”
Hamishshrugged.“Neverhadthetimeorinclination.Hookeduphereandthereofcourse.Whohasn’t?”
That would be me Zekehopedhewasn’tblushingagain,buttheheatinhis cheeks probablymeantthathopewas invain. “Yes Well I’mafraidyou’llhavetodosonow Icanarrangeadateforyouwithaprospectivepartner,butyou’llhavetomeet them.Gettoknowthem.Learnifyouthinkyou’llbothbehappywithoneanother.”
“Youmeanwoothem?Onmyown?”Hamishlookedhorrified
“I’mafraidso.Icanfacilitatetheintroduction,butwithoutthespell?”Hespreadhishandsagain.“Mostoftheburdenwill fall onyou Justas ifyouhadmetata partyor abar or throughfriends Infact,ifithelps,youcanthinkofthis personas a friendofafriend.”
Hamishgrinnedcrookedly.“Thatmakes you myfriend,mate.I’mnotsureyou’rereadyforthat.” “Iam Afterall,it’smyjob” And my only chance to save the work-release program To save myself “Thenwhohaveyougot?”
Zekescrolledtotheappropriatepageintheclientdatabase “ThepersonIhaveinmindisanäkki” “Awhatnow?”
“Anäkki.AFinnishshapeshifter.They’re nonbinary all näkki are since their shiftingdoesn’trestrictthemtoa particular gender.Orphysicalform,forthatmatter.They’rewater-based ”
“Holdon.Theshapeshifting,nonbinarythingiscool,butI’makangaroo.Plains,woods,sure,butwater?”Hamishrubbed hispalmsonhispants “EvenOregonistoosoggyforme Iexpecttofindmossgrowingbetweenmytoes” “Doyouthinkthat’sadeal breaker?Thesedays,näkkidon’tnecessarily reside instreamsandlakesastheydidintheold days,althoughthey’realwaysmorecomfortablenearbodiesofwater”
“Isupposeit’llbeallright,aslongastheydon’texpectmetodivedowntotheirhomeunderthesea.”
Zekeliftedaneyebrow.“They’renotselkies,forLucifer’ssake.Plus,they’reknownfortheirmusicianship.Violins,mostly, andvocals.”
Hamishperked up. “Yeah?That’s a plus.” He drummed a little riffonhis thighand punctuated itwitha slap onthe desk. “Pairusup”
Zekehadtocontrol his firstreaction toreachacross thedeskandgrabHamish’s handtostill it.Or perhaps to slap him upsidethehead Hadn’thepaidattentiontoanythingZekehadsaid?WiththeAIjustitchingtozaphimagain,though,hetooka momenttofoldhishandsinhislap.“It’snotthatsimple.I’llneedtocontactOllitoseeifthey’reamenabletoadateoutsidethe ordinarySupernaturalSelectionservice.Theymaynotbe.”
Althoughofalltheclients,whosereactionshadrangedfromirritationtooutragewhenZekehadcalledtoinformthemofthe delay,Olliwastheonlyonewho’dseemedtrulyforlorn.
Zeke felt a twinge of unease as he studied the big, bluff, hyperenergetic Hamish in his cargo shorts (in Portland in February?).Olliwasn’tthemostforcefulofpersonalities,buttheyhadtheirstandardswherefashionwasconcerned.
Ontheotherhand,they’denduredsignificantbiasoverthecourseoftheirlifebecauseofhumanmisappropriationofnäkki culture: after centuriesofbeingcastasabogeytofrightenchildrenintoobedience,Olli hadsomesevereself-esteemissues. And näkki had been targets of supe hunts too. Blustering ruffians eager to prove their courage had terrorized any näkki unfortunateenoughtodrawtheirattention,justifyingtheirthuggeryas“protectingthechildren”
Ridiculous,really.The supposed threatwas anentirelyhumaninvention and how muchprowess did ittake to subdue a violinistanyway?
WouldOlliseeHamishassomeonelikethosebullies?OrwouldtheyseeHamishasaprotector?AlthoughOlli hadnever saidso,Zekesuspectedthattheyweresearchingforachampionasmuchasaloverorlifepartner
ZeketriedtoignoretheincreasingglareonhismonitorastheAIflaredbrighterbehindhisshoulder,buthecouldn’tseethe screenanymore.Unfortunately,hecouldn’ttellittoshutupinfrontofaclient.Hestoodup.“Willyouexcusemeforaminute, please?”
Hamishleanedbackinhischair.“Takeyourtime,mate.I’minnohurry.”
Zeke strode downthe hall and into his tiny, cluttered office, the AIonhis heels He shutthe door, butkepthis voice low anyway.“Whatareyoutryingtodo?”
Foraninstant,theAIflaredbrightpurple,thenfadedtoanapologeticlavender,whichdidn’tfoolZekeforoneinstant.
“You are not only thinking of the client. Hamish and Olli are a possible match based on a few superficial, similar preferences,butpersonality-wise ”
Amagentaflash.
“Ohshutup.You’remymonitor.You’resupposedtobeprotectingtheUpperWorld ” Blueflashes
“Fine.Toyou,it’stheLowerWorld.Tome,it’stheUpperWorld.Sowhat?Tothefae,it’stheOuterWorld.Itdoesn’tmatter whatwecallit Whatmattersisthatyou’retryingtointerfere”
TheAIgrewuntilitbrushedtheceiling,golderasingtheothercolors.
“Don’tbesoself-righteous You’resupposedtobeanobserver,notaparticipant AndtryingtoforcemetomatchHamish withsomeoneunsuitableisdefinitelyparticipating.”
Itshrunk,thegoldshadingtosilver.
Zeke rolled his eyes, barely stopping himself froma disgusted groan “Don’t pretend to be hurt I’mnot falling for that again.”Aglimmerofpinkgrewinitscenter.“Imeanit.HowamIsupposedtoprovetheviabilityofthework-releaseprogram ifit’snotmy work?”
AblurpofyellowmadeZeke’seyeswater.
“Exactlymypoint Now ifyoudon’tmind,I’dlike tocall Olli andaskthemifthey’re amenable toa date withHamish I don’tsupposeyou’dagreetostepoutwhileI’monthephone?Youcausealotofinterferenceontheline.” Redsnakedupfromthefloor.
“Yeah,Ididn’tthinkso Justkeepthecommentstoyourself,okay?Allthischatterisverydistracting” Zekesettledhimselfbehindhiscluttereddeskandpunchedthelandline’shands-freedialingbutton.“Hecate,callOlli.” “Calling Olli”Theautomatedassistant’svoicewasfarmorepleasantthantheAI’sincessantharping “Hello?” The timber of Olli’s voice changed depending on their aspect. Today it was a clear tenor, as breathless and melodicasever.
“Goodevening,Olli.ThisisZekeOzfromSupernaturalSelection.HaveIcaughtyouatabadtime?” “Zeke!Ohno.Thisisfine.IwasjustwatchingProject Runway reruns.Hasthespellcomebackonlinealready?” Zekeshifteduneasilyinhischair Ollisoundedsohopeful Well, maybe this would work “No ButIhaveanotheroptionfor you,ifyou’reinterested.”
“Anotheroption?”Doubtcreptintotheirtone “Somethingdifferentthanwhatyou’veshownmebefore?” Zeke’spalmsstartedtosweat.“Yes.Thisisn’tanewservice,perse.Morea...aretroservice.” “Retro?”
TheAIquiveredwithpulsinggreen,likeelectriclimegelatin. Zekemouthed, Shut up.“Yes.Whilewe’rewaitingforthespelltobebroughtbackonline,howwouldyoufeelaboutgoing onanold-schooldate?”
“I’venever...Thatis,Iwashopingyouwouldtakecareof...Adate,yousay?” “Yes Youneedn’tmakeanykindofcommitment,ofcourse Andifyou’renotcomfortablewiththenotion,that’sperfectlyall right.”
“Well . . . ” Olli’s sigh was audible, even over the crackly connection. “Could you tell me something about my, um, prospectivedate?”
“HisnameisHamishMulherne.He ”
“Wait HamishMulherne?ThedrummerforHunter’sMoon?”
“Yes,that’shim.”
“Ooohhh”
“Isthatagood oh orabad oh?” Ollichuckled.“Good.Definitelygood.I’mabigHunter’sMoonfan.” Uh-oh DidthatmeanthatOlliwastechnicallyagroupie?Hamish’sdealbreaker?“Youare?” “Yes.TheirfusionoftraditionalCelticandrockisquitecompelling.” Is it? I wouldn’t know “Well,HamishisanewlyregisteredSupernaturalSelectionclient” “Really? I would have thought he’d have no trouble finding partners on his own. The band certainly has enough rabid followers” Olli’s tone was decidedly tart, which comforted Zeke somewhat They’re not a pushover, despite being a bit timid.
“Hamishisn’tinterestedinarelationshipwithagroupie.”
“Ah Andishe?Interestedinarelationship,thatis?” ZekeglancedattheAI,whosemuddyredcouldonlybedescribedas avid.“Heis.Butheunderstands” at least he’d better “thatwithoutthespell,wecan’tguaranteeaperfectmatch Wouldyoubeinterestedinperhapsmeetinghimfordinner?To seehowyougetalong?”
“Yes.”Olli’svoicewasshyandtingedwithhope.“I’dlikethatverymuch.” Zekeheavedarelievedsigh.“Excellent.I’llsetitupandgetbacktoyou.Iwon’tdiscloseyourcontactinformationtohim thatwillbeuptothetwoofyouonceyoumeet.But,Olli pleaseunderstandthatyouareunder no obligation toHamish.Even
theeveningofthedinner,ifyoudecideyoudon’twanttogothroughwithit,orifyouwanttoleaveinthemiddlebecauseyou feeluncomfortable,youcan ”
“Zeke It’sokay I’mnotexactlyanassertiveperson,butIcantakecareofmyself Sopleasesetupthedinner Andthankyou forthinkingofme.”
“You’rewelcome I’ll be intouch” After Olli disconnected, Zeke collapsed backinhis chair “Thatwentbetter thanI’d hoped.”
AlthoughwiththewaytheAIwaspulsing,smugandpinkagain,Zekewonderedifhe’dmissedsomething No matter. Hehadadatetoarrange.WhichwouldbemucheasiertofocusonifHamishwouldonlystopdrummingonevery availablesurface fromwhatZekecouldhear,he’dgraduatedtosomethinglarge,hollow,andmetal. Probably my trash can HesighedandpulleduptheOpenTableapp Wheretosendanäkkiandakangaroo?
Surf and turf it is.
Hamish laid his knife and fork back on the table, smiling an apology at the couple at the next table “Sorry Guess not everyonewantsmetalpercussionaccompanimenttotheirdinner.”
Herubbedhishandsalonghispants dresspants,forcryingoutloud Zekehadgivenhimsterninstructionsabouttheproper attireforthisdate.SeemedOlliwasaclothes-horseofsorts.Itwasapparentlyanäkkithing,andFebruaryinPortland ina moderatelyfancywaterfrontrestaurant wasn’tthebesttimeorplacetowearcargoshortsandatank.
He’dhadtoaskJoshtogoshoppingwithhim Theafternoonthey’dspentatNordstromstillgaveHamishtheshakes The server, a cheerful womanwithcurlyhair pulled backina ponytail, cruised over to the table. “Everythingstill good? Wouldyoulikeadrinkwhileyouwaitforyourotherparty?”
Great.Nowhelookedlikealoserwhowasgettingstoodup.“Nah.I’mearly.I’msurethey’llbeheresoon.”
Herbrowsdrewtogetherinasclosetoafrownaswasacceptableforcustomerservice.“‘They’?Areyouexpectingmore thanoneperson?Thisisatwo-topandI’mnotsurewecan ” “Noworries.It’sjusttheone.”
She blinked, eyes widening for an instant “Oh Got it” She flashed a smile, one that seemed more genuine than her customer-serviceone.“Istonightaspecialoccasion?”
Hamishrubbedhishandsalonghispantsagain,wishinglikehellforhisdrumsticks “Firstdate” Why does it feel like I’m cheating? Tiff never wanted me. We were never together. Heforcedagrin.“Firstimpressionsandallthat.” She topped off his water. “Well, I wouldn’t worry too much about that.” She leaned down to whisper conspiratorially. “You’llwowthem.”
“Thanks.” I think.
Shebustledaway,leavingHamishtostaremoroselyatthemassiveaquariumthatseparatedtherestaurantproper fromthe entryway.The fishinside were brightand tropical, nothinglike the halibut, salmon, and swordfishonthe menu. ButHamish couldn’thelpthinkingthattheirunblinkingstareswereatadreproachful
Thenatall,slender personappearednexttothetank.Their high-collared,knee-lengthblackcoatwas buttonedacross one shoulderandtheirpantsmatchedtheblueofoneoftheneighboringtropicalfish.
Zekehadn’tgivenhimapictureofOllibeforesettingupthedate “There’d be no point,” he’dsaid, “their appearance is fluid depending on how they feel like presenting themselves on the day.”
Butthisperson withtheirfinebonestructure,white-blondhairwithafringeofbrilliantblueandgreenfallingovertheir highforehead,andalookofanxiousinquiryontheirface hadtobeOlli.
Hamishhalfstood,andreliefwashedoverOlli’sface Right ZekehadnodoubtgiventhemHamish’sphoto The only time I ever change is when I shift. AndHamishdoubtedthisrestaurantservedkangaroos.
Olli glided betweenthe tables toward Hamish, witha grace that rivaled a swanshifter. Theyheld out a hand. “Hamish, right?”Theirvoicewaslightandmusical Tenor?Contralto? Huh Never thought about how gender-restrictive vocal ranges were before.
“That’sme”HamishstruggledtherestofthewaytohisfeetasOlliunbuttonedtheircoat,studyingHamishwithafaintsmile ontheirface,headtiltedtotheside.“Oh.Right.”Heedgedaroundthetable.“MayI,um,takeyourcoat?” Strewth, I’m bad at
this.
Ollichuckled,lettingtheircoatslidedowntheirarmstorevealajacketofthesametropicalblueastheirpantsandashirt dottedwithtinyflowersthatmatchedtheirhair “Icanmanagethat”Theyfoldedthecoatandhandedittothehostesswho’d followedthemtothetable.
HamishpulledoutOlli’schair See? I’m not a total bogan “Haveaseat?”
“Thankyou.”Ollisettledinthechairandglancedaround,gazesnaggingontheaquarium.“Thisplaceis...er ...”They metHamish’seyes,theirownatrifletoowide “Theydon’tserveusoutofthattank,dothey?”
“Ithinkthat’sjustforshow.Althoughit’sabitmorbid,nowthatyoumentionit.Imean,ifwe’reloungingabouthere,gorging onseafood,whatarethoseblokesgoingtothink?‘Oi,mate.ThosetossersareeatingNemo.’”
Ollishuddered “Don’t”
“Sorry.”Hamishtookagulpofhiswater.“Havealittlefilter problemsometimes.Mygir Thatis, friends have hintedI mightbeatadinsensitivesometimes Soapologizinginadvance,eh?”Hedownedhalftheglass “Butcontrarytowhatshe whatthey say,Ican betaught,socallmeonit,likeyoujustdid,andI’lltrytodobetter.”
Theserver bustledover justthen,savingHamishfromdoingsomethingelseidiotic,althoughhecouldn’tdependonher to save himfor the restofthe date. A date. What the hell was I thinking? I’m not ready for this. Butthenhe remembered the heatedlooksTiffhadexchangedwithLuci andVitor afterthelastconcert,anddecidedtogrowapair.
Theserversmileddownatthemasshetoppedofftheirwaterglasses “Hi,I’mLeslie,andI’llbetakingcareofyoutonight CanIgetyoutwosomethingtodrink?”
Olli glanced at Hamish from under their lashes they had really pretty eyes Kind of like opals or something Hamish swallowed,histhroatburningasherememberedTiff’scoffee-darkeyes.ThenherealizedLeslieandOlliwerebothwatching himexpectantly. Shite, am I supposed to order for us both? How can I do that? I don’t know anything about them yet
HeclearedhisthroatandgesturedforOllitogoahead.Theyflushed,andforaninstant,theshadowofscalesappearedon theirthroat.
Ollifumbledwiththewinelist I should have handed that to him I ama total bogan “CanyourecommendanAustralian wine,Hamish?I’dliketotrysomethingfromyourcountry.”
“Couldn’tsay,mate Haven’tlivedtherefor ”Hamishclampedhislipsshutbeforeherevealedjusthow longhe’dbeen awayfromQueensland.Probablywaybefore the server’s grandparents hadbeenborn,butthatwasn’tsomethingtoflauntin frontofhumans“ years.Anyroad,moreofabeermanmyself.”Hewinced,wishinghehadadrumsticksohecouldjabitinto hiseye.
Olli’stentativesmiletrembled,thendisappeared.“Oh.Well.”TheylookedupatLeslie.“Whatdoyourecommend?”
Shepointedtoaspotonthelist “IfyouwanttotryanAustralianselection,I’drecommendthisoneifyou’reorderingfish If you’regoingforbeef ”
“No Fish,definitely”
“ThentheSemillonforsure.”
Ollinodded.“ThenI’lltakeaglass,please.”
“Excellent”SheturnedtoHamish “Andyou,sir?”
“PintofGuinness,Iguess.”He’dbeendrinkingwithNiallsomuchlatelythathe’ddevelopedatasteforit. “I’llbringthoserightout”
She whisked away, leavinganawkward silence inher wake. Hamishand Olli stared ateachother for atleasttwo eightcounts before Olli broke, unfolding their linen napkin and apparently trying to smooth every wrinkle out Hamish gulped anotherhalfglassoficewater,whichsucceededinnearlyfreezinghisvocalchords. “So,”hecroaked.“Youplaythefiddle,then?”
Ollihandsstilled,andtheyglancedup “Theviolin Yes Butnotsomuchanymore” “Whynot?”
Theirlipsliftedinacrookedsmile “Ittakesthejoyoutofitwhentheneighborsaccuseyouoftryingtokidnaptheirchildren everytimeyoupractice.”
“Theywhatnow?”
ThewrinklesinOlli’sbrow werealmosthiddenbytheir colorful bangs.“You do know I’ma näkki,don’tyou? Zeke told you.”Theireyeswidened,alarmchasingacrosstheirdelicatefeatures.“OhAhto,hedidn’t,didhe?Youdon’tknow ” “Heyheyhey” Hamishreached across the table, palmopenininvitation Olli didn’t take the offered touch, but Hamish wasn’toffended. They might be like Josh, then. Oritmightjustbetoosoon.“Hetoldme.ButIdon’tknowmuchaboutwhata näkkiisordoes Itdoesn’treallymattertome,right?” “Itdoesn’t?Whynot?”
“Whyshouldit? What youareisn’tasimportantas who youare.Atleastthat’showIseeit.” “I...suppose.”
“Imean, yeah, I’ma ” he glanced around to make sure nobodywas close enoughto hear “ kangaroo, butthat’s justan
accidentofgenetics,right?I’mmoreaboutthechoicesImake,thethingsIliketodo” the people I unfortunately love “than whatIlooklikewhenIshift.”
“Oh Yes Iguessthatmakessense I,um,don’talwayslooklikethis” “So?Youchangewhoyouareinside?”
Ollichuckled “Ofcoursenot” “Thenwe’vegotnoproblem.”
Leslie returned and set their drinks down “CanIstart youout withanappetizer? We’ve got a lovelyoctopus carpaccio tonight.”
Olli turnedfaintlygreenandswallowedconvulsively.“No.Thankyou,butno.”Theydippedtheir chinfor aninstant,then lookedupatLeslie “Justsomebread,perhaps?”
“Ofcourse.”Shezippedaway.
Hamishpeeredafterher,givingOlliachancetoregaintheircomposure Whenheglancedacrossthetable,Olliwasstaring attheaquariumagain.“Youokay?”
“Yes I’mfine, it’s just ” Theyraised their wineglass inshakingfingers “Octopi are so Well, a lotofmyfriends are octopi.Justtheidea...”Theyshuddered.“Igetoutsoinfrequently,butIshouldhaverealizedthataseafoodrestaurantmight ”
“No Igetit”Geez,whopickedthisplace?“Wouldyouratherbailonthisplaceandgotoahotdogcartorsomething?”
Theyshookbacktheirhair,anearringsparklinginthelight.“Ofcoursenot.I’llbefineaslongaswedon’t Wedon’t ” “Eatyourfriends”
“Yes.”Theytookalargeswigofwine.“Ifyoudon’tliveinAustraliaanymore,wheredoyoulive?HereinPortland?” “Nah.We’rejusthereaspartofthelatesttour.I’vegotaplaceinIndio.” “SoutheastAsia?”
“No,Indio.SouthernCalifornia.It’snearPalmSprings.”
Olliblinked “Inthedesert?”
“Yeah.”Hamishgrinned.“It’soneoftheonlyplacesthat’shotanddryenoughforme.” “Oh,”Ollisaidfaintly “Wheredoyoulive?”
“Inasprucemire.”
HamishpickeduphisGuinness. Leslie better keep these coming, because this is going to be a really long night
Zekepacedhisoffice,gnawingonhisthumbnail,certainthathislifeintheUpperWorldwasabouttoimplode.Whyhadhe everimaginedhecouldfacilitateamatchwithoutthespells?Hewasa demon Theverydefinitionofhisracewas“disaster waitingtohappen.”
I’m sure I thought of everything Didn’t I?
He’d chosenthe spot for Hamish’s date withOlli because the collective had a translocationoutlet inthe restaurant, ina dimensionalpocketrightbehindthehost’sstation.Olliwasveryshyandnervousinunfamiliarsurroundings.Zekehadwanted tomakethetransportationaslow-stressforthemaspossible,sohe’darrangedforFaerie’snew supetransitservice,theFae TransportationAssociation,toescortOllidirectlythere.
Hadthatbeenamistake?TheFTAdidn’thavemuchofatrackrecord ithadonlybeenintroducedrecentlyaspartofthe King’sinitiativestogivethefaeapurposeintheirnewlyunifiedrealm.SupernaturalSelectionhadbeenanearlyadopter,but sometimestheescortscouldbeabitalarming: youneverknew whetheryou’dgetagiant,gloweringtrow oratiny,big-eyed bwci.
Notthattrowscouldhelpglowering.Thatwasjustthewaytheirfacesweremade. ButOllimightnotknowthat. I should have requested a dryad Or maybe a sylph
The urge torunupthe stairs andslipthroughthe translocationdoor was enoughtomake himwishthatdemons hadsouls. Becauseifhe’dhadone,he’dbetemptedtosellitforapeekinsidetherestaurant
He patrolled around the office again. Atleastthe AIhad finallygottentired ofdogginghis steps and had retreated to the cornerinaglimmerofsulkygray Small blessings
Zekecheckedhiswatch.Onlyforty-fivesecondssincethelasttimehe’dchecked.Lucifer’s balls,you’dthinkhe was ina timeloop,becausethelasthourhadfeltlikedays.
Screw this Hestrodeoutofhisofficeandtookthestairstwoatatime,usingalittleofhisdemonanti-gravtosmoothand
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The Project Gutenberg eBook of Old lamps for new
This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.
Title: Old lamps for new
Author: E. V. Lucas
Artist: Johannes Vermeer
Release date: March 16, 2024 [eBook #73174]
Language: English
Original publication: United States: The Macmillan Company, 1911
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