LoveintheOccultTraumatic
AlexisLuna
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CoverartanddesignbyAlexisLuna&JoshuaLuna
ISBN:979-8-9901697-2-2
Thisbookisaworkoffiction Names,characters,places,andincidentsareeithertheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorusedfictitiously Anyresemblancetoactual events,locales,orpersons,livingordead,iscoincidental
Thisbookorpartsthereofmaynotbereproducedinanyform,storedinanyretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinanyformbyanymeans electronic,mechanical,photocopy, recording,orotherwise withoutpriorwrittenpermissionoftheauthor,exceptasprovidedbyUnitedStatesofAmericacopyrightlawandfairuse.Forpermission requests,pleasecontacttheauthor
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Tothosewhoareinvisible Untilsomeoneseesthem.
He helps heal minds. She can actually read them. But neither can heal from their own trauma alone.
HeidiBauerwouldgiveanythingtonotbeabletoreadpeople’smemories.Yeteverytimesheseesblood,sheloses consciousnessandgetsaglimpseintotheprivateinnerworldsofthewound’sowner,tracingthroughtheeventsthatcausedthe injury withfrighteningprecision
Shecan’ttellanyonethis,ofcourse.It’sbadenoughthatshehasseverePTSDandhemophobia,butunexplainedmagical powersaswell?She’dratherspiralintojoblesspovertythanadmitthetruthandriskgettinglockedupinsomekindofmental institution.
Thatis,untilshemeetsthehandsomeandcaringDr BùiĐứcKhiêm DespiteHeidi’sintentionsoftellingnoonehersecret, shefindsherselfopeninguptothepsychiatristbetterthanherowntherapist inmorewaysthanone
Andyet,whileDr.Khiêmmaynothaveanypowers,he’shidingsecretsofhisown.Sowhenamysteriousfigurestartsto stalkHeidiinpursuitofherhiddengift,itisn’tjusthersafetythat’sthreatened,butKhiêm’stoo.Together,HeidiandKhiêm learnthatnotallwoundsarevisible andhealingthemmaycostoneoftheirlives
Occult trauma: Atraumaticinjurythatmaynotbeapparentoninitialpresentationorphysicalexamination.
Pleasevisittheauthor’swebsiteforadetailedlistofcontentwarnings.
Asmanypeoplewithnon-EnglishnameslivingintheWestknow,choosingapronunciationand/orspellingisaconstant strugglebetweenhonoringtheoriginalname,andacknowledgingthatmostWesternerswillnotputintheefforttosayorspellit correctlyevenwhengiventhetoolstodoso (Itgetsevenmorecomplicatedwhenregionalaccentsinthenativelanguagemay changethepronunciation.)Forthisreason,thisguidewillincludeoneformofthenativepronunciationaccordingtoIPA,anda Westernized,approximateversion.
Khiêm
IPA:xiəm˧˧(UseanIPAreadertohearit)
Approximatepronunciation:“KEEM”
Đức(Khiêm’smiddlename)
IPA:ɗɨk
Approximatepronunciation:“DOOK”
Bùi(Khiêm’ssurname)
IPA:ɓuj˧˧
Approximatepronunciation:“BOO-I”
Liên
IPA:tʰɨəŋ˧˧
Approximatepronunciation:“THUW-ONG”(asadiphthong;i.e.spokenasonesyllable)
Dũng
IPA:liən˧˧
Approximatepronunciation:“LI-EN”(asadiphthong;ie spokenasonesyllable)
IPA:zuʔuŋ
Approximatepronunciation:“ZOO-NG”(asadiphthong;i.e.spokenasonesyllable)
Waseema(ﺎﻤﯿﺳو)
IPA:wæsˈiːmə
Approximatepronunciation:“WAH-SEE-MAH”
Yusuf(ﻒﺳﻮﯾ)
IPA:juːsuf
Approximatepronunciation:“YOU-SOOF”
SpecialthankstoHavyfortheirassistanceincreatingthisguide!
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14.ScarredforLife Heidi
15.BadBlood Khiêm
16 ComingHome
Khiêm
AbouttheAuthor
Author’sNote
NextintheSeries
UpcomingRelease
ARUSHOFBLOODTOTHEHEAD
WHENYOUMEETANattractivemanforthefirsttime,it’sbesttobeconscioussoyoucanappreciatethemoment.
YethereIam,laidoutonthefloorofthedoctor’sofficelikeastarfish,headswimmingwithvertigoandbodylimpand useless AllbecauseIhappenedtoseealittleblood Myblood Inatube Thatcamefrommyarm Becausethat’swhereit’s supposedtogowhenyou’regettingyourblooddrawn.
Theneedlewasn’teveninmeanymore.Infact,Iwaslongdonewiththeblooddrawandhadalreadyleftthenurse’schair.I wasstandinginthedoorframetothelab,strawdanglingfrommymouthasIslurpedonaboxedapplejuicethenursegaveme andchattingwithherforabitasweswappedstoriesaboutourgardeningmishaps(apparentlyneitherofushavegreen thumbs).Iwasabouttoleavewhenshegrabbedthevialsofbloodfromthearmrestandmovedthemtothecounterbesideher, and oopsie-daisy!theregoesmysenseofbalance.NextthingIknow,I’mflatonmybackandblinkingblearilyatthebright fluorescentlightsoftheceiling.
DoesitmatterthatIsuccessfullyavoidedlookingatthevialstheentiretimemybloodwasbeingdrawn?No OrthatIdidn’t feeldizzyfromtheblooddrawitself?Alsono.Hemophobiaisarealtrip,Itellyou.Atripstraighttotheground.
Thenurseisonmyright,flusteredandfussingovermewithobviousregret.She’sapologizingtome,Ithink,butIbarelyhear her,becausethere’sadudeIdon’trecognizehoveringovermeonmyleft.
Whoeverheis,he’sgotagreatface
HelooksSoutheastAsian,hisskinamedium-brownhuethat’sassmoothandinvitingas sandonanoceanshorethat’sbeentouchedbynothingbutsteadysunlightandgentlewavesofwater.Hisfaceisyouthful I’d placehiminhislatetwenties buthisjawisdecidedlystrongandsquarish,givinghimamature,ruggedlymasculinelook.His low,broadnoseisnestledbetweenprominentroundcheeksthatprotrude,andstretchtwovisiblelinestohischinthatframe hismouthinaslightbutpermanentdimple
“Miss,areyouokay?”heasks.“Canyouhearme?”Hisdarkbrowneyesarefurrowedwithworry.Ivaguelyregisterhis handsmovingaroundmeashetalks,touchinghereandtherelikeadoctorwouldtotestabody’svitalsandreactions.
“Yeah,I’mcool.”Itrytositup.Themysterymanandthenursebothlungeforwardatthesametimetostopme,puttingtheir handoutinfrontofmytorsoandcarefullypushingmebackdown
“Pleasestaystillforamomentwhilewemakesureyoudidn’thurtyourself,”saysthenurse.“Hay nako, Ishould’vepaid moreattention.IwasenjoyingourtalksomuchImovedthosevialswithoutthinking evenafteryouwarnedmeaboutyour condition.I’msosorry,dear.”
“Don’tworryaboutit I’mtotallyfine”
Buttheyforcemetocommittomypositiononthefloorforafewmoreminutes Theytuckadisposablemedicalpillow underneathmyheadwhileIwaitforthemtofinishcheckingonme,makingsureIdidn’thitmyskulloranythingelseonmyway down,andconfirmthatthiswasmerelyahemophobia-inducedfaintingspellandnothingmore.Embarrassing,but understandable.
Eventually,thenursegivesmethegreenlighttogetupandleave Sheoffersmeanotherjuiceboxandaprofuseroundof apologieseventhoughIalreadytoldherit’snotabigdeal.It’smyfaultfordistractingher,andforhavingaweak,cursedsetof eyeballsthatcan’tstandthesightofblood.(NotthatItoldhertherealreasonforwhyitbothersme,though.)
“Wouldyoulikemetowalkyoutotheentrance?”asksthemysterymanafterheandIbothexitthelabandenterthehallway ofthehospital EventhoughI’mbetter,hisfurrowedexpressionofconcernremains Inoticeforthefirsttimethere’sasmall moleabovehisrighteyebrow.Itgiveshisfaceanextraelementofcharm.
“That’snotnecessary.Butthankyou.”
“It’snotrouble,”heinsists.“I’mwalkingthatwayanyway.”
Itakealongerlookathim,wonderingwhyhehasadoctor’sbearingbutwearsnowhitecoatorscrubs Instead,he’sgotona pairofdarkwashjeanswithabeigeshirtandalong,baby-blueknitcardigan.Ithangsoffhiswideshouldersandtall,slim framehandsomely civilianclothes.Whichisweird.BecausenowthatIthinkaboutit,thenursedidn’tstophimfromhelping hertreatme.Asifsheexpectedhimto.
“Doyouworkhere?”Iblurtout
Hiseyeswiden,caughtoff-guardbythequestion.“Oh,”hesaysbeforeregaininghiscomposure.“Ido,inaway.Thisisn’t mybuilding.IonlycamebytodropoffLindra’slunchsincesheforgotitinmycar.”
Imust’vegivenhimaconfusedlook,becauseheadds,“That’sthephlebotomistyoujustsaw.She’smyfriend.We’reina carpoolgrouptogether”
“Andyouworkas ?”Ileavethequestionhangingtoallowhimtofinishit.
“Apsychiatrist.”Heremoveshishandsfromhispockets,extendingonetowardsmeashesmiles.“I’mDr.BùiĐứcKhiêm.” Itakeitandpause,flushingslightlyatthewarmtouchofhisskininmystill-clammypalm.Hishandshakeradiatesagentle, intentionallypatientenergy Asifhecouldeasilymakeitmorevigorousbutchoosesnotto “I’mHeidi HeidiBauer”Hedoesn’ttakebackhishandimmediately,insteadwaitingformetobetheonewhomakesthe movetoremoveit.Somehow,hisunwaveringcalmmakesmenervous.Ijerkmyhandawayalittletoofast.
“Nicetomeetyou,Heidi,”hesays.Ifhenoticedmyhastyretreat,hedoesn’tleton.Thesmilehegivesisasradiantasitis disarming Itreallyisanice,pleasantsmile Itmakesmewanttogettoknowhimbetter
Whichiswhy,whenhegesturesforustostartwalkingtothefrontentrancetogether,Ipanic “I’mnotleavingyet,”Ilie.“Ihaveto,uh,pee.Reallybad.”Islammynextwordstogethersofasttheyblurintoonelong mumble.“Soitwasverynicemeetingyoubye.”
Iturnheelandspeed-walkintheoppositedirection,anydirection,nothavingacluewherethebathroomis Idon’tdarestop tolookatthehospitalsignstofindoutthough,sinceitmightgivemeaway EspeciallybecauseIneverneededtogointhefirst place.
OnceI’veputenoughdistancebetweenus,IturnbacktoseeifmysterymanisstilltherewhereIlefthim.He’snot.
Sigh ScoreoneforHeidiScrewsUpHerPossibleMeet-Cute,Iguess
There’smascaraallovermyface.
Itwasagoodcry Muchneeded,too ProbablylongoverdueifI’mbeinghonest Butthatdoesn’tchangethefactthatmy makeupisincompletedisarrayandIlooklikearaccoon.
Iwanttogettoamirrortofixitrightaway,butunfortunately,Ihavetosquareawaytheinsurancepaperworkformysession first.Thankfully,therapistsarenostrangerstocryingclients,sothereceptionistatthefrontdeskoftheclinicdoesn’tbataneye atmyweepy,disheveledlook IpulloutmyMedicaidcardandhandittoher Igrabatissuefromtheboxatthecounterand makeanotherfutileattempttodabawayatsomeofthemesswhilesheprocessesmyinfoonhercomputer.Withoutbeingable toseemyselfthough,there’snotmuchpoint.Still,itgivesmesomethingtodosoIfeellessawkwardwhilehernailsclack awayatthekeyboard.
Onceeverything’stakencareof,Ithankherandshuffleoutthefrontdoorandintothegreaterofficebuilding Itssterile, corporate-stylehallwaysalllookthesamenomatterwhatflooryou’reonandwhatkindofbusinessesarelocatedthere.Which isquiteafeatwhenyouconsiderthewiderangeofwhat’shidingwithinitswalls.
Forinstance,mytherapist’sofficeissandwichedbetweenafinancefirmandanenvironmentalnon-profit.Oneisfullof peoplewearingimmaculate,tailoredbusinesssuitsthatwouldfitrightinatWallStreet,whiletheotherisalmostaggressively committedtocasualdress flip-flopsandhemp-productseverywhere.Nexttothatisaneducationaltestingcenter,where college-agedstudentscomeinwithfrumpysweatpantsandtanktops,buzzingfromcaffeinehighs,andexitmanyhourslater lookingasexhaustedanddestroyedasIdorightnow.
AndI’mdefinitelyfeelingprettyoutofit It’sdrainingtoplungeintoawellofpainfulemotionswithastrangerandhaveto doitwithintheconfinesofasingle45-minutesession.Felicityisaverynicetherapist,butIwasaquiveringrawnerveallthe same.Itellmybraintheimportanceofthe“GettoBathroomtoFixFace”missionandaimmytiredfeetinthatdirection. Imust’vebeendissociatingandkeepingmyheadbowedtowardstheground,becausesuddenlyIfeelitslamminginto something Wait,no Notsomething Someone
“I’msorry,”theysaywithagrunt.Ithinktheysaiditautomatically,eventhoughI’mprettysurethisbumpisentirelyonme fornotpayingattention.
Ilookupfromtheirchesttoseethefaceofmyvictim.
“Dr Khiêm,”Isayinsurprise NotonlydidIneverthinkI’drunintohimagain,butIdefinitelydidn’texpecttodosoonly twodaysafterourfirstaccidentalencounterattheEvergroveCityHospital HelooksassurprisedasIdo
“Areyoualright?”heasks.Irealizetoolatethatmytear-stainedfacemightgivehimthewrongimpression,makinghimthink ourcollisionisresponsibleforit.
“It’snothing”Ihastilywipeatmycheeksforthemillionth,ineffectivetime EventhebestofmascarasIcanaffordhasthis annoyingwayofmeltinginthepresenceofliquidbutthenstubbornlyremainingonmyskinuntilIattackitwithmakeup remover.“Allergies,amIright?”Isay,tryingtopassitoffassuch.
WhetherDr.Khiêmfindsmyliebelievable,Idon’tknow.Thelookofscrutinyhelevelsatmegivesawaynothingastowhat conclusionsheisdrawing AllIknowisthathereallyhasahandsomefacenomatterwhatexpressionisonitandIcouldstare atitforhours
ExceptIshouldn’t.Mission“GettoBathroomtoFixFace”isstillinplayandIhaven’tcompletedit.I’mnotproudthatI’m runningawayfromhimasecondtimewiththesameexcuse,butatleastthistimeit’sthetruth.
“Listen,Ineedtogoto ”
“Wouldyouliketogetsomecoffee?”Hespeaksatthesametime,cuttingmeoff Iblinkathim.
“Like,rightnow?”
Heletsoutasmallsniffthatmightbethestartofalaugh,butstopshimself “Unfortunately,no,asI’mabouttogetbackto workandyouseembusyatthemoment.IwassimplythinkingI’dliketoseeyouagain.Atatimethatwouldbemore convenientforyou.”
Insteadofacknowledgingthepartwhereheaskedmeout,mybraindoesarecord-scratch.“Wait,youworkhere?Whenwe firstbumpedintoeachother,Ithoughtyousaidyouworkedatthehospital”
Henods.“Yes,Ido.Ialsoworkhere,atSunriseCounseling.”Heturnsandpointsdownthehallway,inthedirectionIjust left.“Iswitchbetweenthetwoofficesduringtheweek.”
Ifeelmymouthfreezeintoaplacidsmileofhorror.SunriseCounselingisareduced-costclinicforpatientswhoare financiallystruggling Likeme.
EventhoughDr.Khiêmlikelydoesn’tknowI’mapatientthereasoftoday,IstillfeellikeInowhaveagiantbillboard flashingabovemyheadscreaming“BROKENBRAIN.ALSOREALLYFUCKINGPOOR.”Theideaofhim oranyoneelse findingoutismortifying
“Ifyou’renotinterestedthat’squitealright,”hesays,misinterpretingmyhorrifiedexpressionandholdinguphishandsin apology.“IhopeIdidn’toverstepbyasking.”
“Ilovecoffee.”
Hestaresatmeforamoment,mostlikelyfeelingwhiplashfrommyunpredictableshiftsinconversationandwonderingwhat mystatementmeans.Becausehonestly,sometimesIdon’tknowwhatImean.Ifhe’sgotthecalmandregalbearingofaBernese Mountaindog,Ihavetheneuroticismandtremblinginsecurityofaneglectedchihuahua.
Thetruthis,Iwanttogettoknowhim.Iwanttoseethathandsomefacesomemore.ButI’mscared.Scaredthathe’llgetto know me
ButIcan’thelpfeelthatthissecondencounterismyopportunitytocorrectmycowardiceandliesfromthefirst.Asif somethingintheuniverseistellingmetoputonmybiggirlpantsandtaketheplunge.Taketherisk.
“I’dlovetogetcoffeewithyou,”Itellhim.
BeforeIknowit,I’vegothisphonenumberwrittendowninagraceful,flowycursiveonthebackofhisSunriseCounseling businesscard
“Youdon’thaveadoctor’shandwriting”
Dr.Khiêmputsdownhiscupofteaontheglass-toptableandlaughs.“Ican’ttellifthat’sacomplimentornot.”
AbreezesweepsthroughtheoutdoorareaoftheVietnamesecaféwe’reat,rustlinghisthickcropofdarkhairandgivingusa momentofrelieffromtheswelteringsummerVirginiaheat.Unlikeme,who’stoopaleandclothedinall-blackgothaestheticto dowellatthistemperature,Dr Khiêmlooksrightathome There’snotasinglebeadofsweatonhim Noteventhepipinghot teahe’sdrinkingorthelong-sleevedshirthe’swearingseemstohaveaneffect.
Meanwhile,Ihavetotakealargeswigofmymuchcoolerdrink adeliciousicedcoconutVietnamesecoffeethathe recommendedtome beforeanswering.“Youknowhowdoctorsusuallywriteinachicken-scratchthatnoonecanreadbut them?Yoursistheopposite It’salmostcalligraphic,likeanartist’s”Iraiseaneyebrowathim,playful “Areyousureyou wentintotherightfield?”
Helaughsagain.“Inmyopinion,understandingthehumanmindislessofascienceandmoreofanart.Infact,I ” Awaitresswalksuptoourtable,trayinhand.BothDr.KhiêmandIinstinctivelyputapauseonourconversationtoturnto her Ioriginallywasn’tintendingonorderinganyfood,butDr Khiêminsisted Unfortunately,Icouldn’treadthemenusince
mostofitwaswritteninVietnamese So,Itoldhimtosurpriseme andnowI’mabouttofindoutwhathepicked “Here’syour chè ba màu, Dr.Khiêm,”saysthewaitressasshetransferstheiteminquestionfromhertrayontothetable.She looksVietnamesetoo,exceptherhairisavibrantdyedredàlaBlackWidowthatbringsoutthewarmtonesinherskin.Her nametagsaysAMBERonit.Veryfitting.“And kem bơ forthelovelylady.”Shehandsouttwolongmetalspoonsbeforegiving aslightnodofherhead “Ifyouneedanythingelse,letmeknow Enjoy!”
“Youcomehereoften?”IaskDr.Khiêmaftersheleaves.Itdidn’tescapemynoticethatshereferredtohimbyname.And thatshewasmaybealittleontheflirtyside,evenifshehiditwell.
“Yes,probablytoomuch.Atleastonceaweek.”
“That’stoomuch?”
Hesmiles.“Itisifyoualwaysorderdessert.”
Iputmyelbowonthetableandleanmychinontothebackofmyhand.“So,you’vegotasweettooth.Haveyoutried everythingtheyhavehere?What’syourfavorite?”
Hereachesacrossthetabletoslidethepileofnapkinstowardme,whichhavethespoonsAmberleftontopofthem “I’m moreinterestedinseeingwhichoneswillbeyourfavorite.”
“You’renotgoingtotellme?”Igraboneofthespoonsoffthetable.Ipreparetodipitintothegreen,ice-cream-looking dessertinfrontofme.“Well,maybeI’lldecidetobelikeyouandnotgiveananswereither.”Ifinishmakingascoopandpop itintomymouth Ifeelawaveofrich,creamysweetnesssweepovermytongue “Ohmygod,thisisdelicious whatisit?”
“Avocadomousseicecream.ApopularstreetfoodinViệtNam,especiallyinsummer.Youlikeit?”
“Mm,it’stodiefor.Silkyandsweet.”Isavorthetasteforamoment.I’mdefinitelyorderingthisagaininthefuture.Oncethe spooniscompletelylickedclean,Iremoveitfrommymouthandpointitatthethin,footedglassdessertcupinfrontofhim.It’s gotthreelayersinside:adark,reddishbottom,ayellowmiddle,andawhite,icytopthat’sgotsizablegreenjellychunks interspersedwithin.“What’dyouget?Thatlooksgood,too.”
“Chèbamàu,orthree-colordessert,”heanswers.HelookspleasedthatI’masking.“Youcanchangeuptheingredientsin eachofthelayersifyouwant,butthisoneisoneofthemostcommonversions,withyellowmungbeans,sweetredbeans,and pandanjellymixedwithshavediceandacoconutsauce Wouldyouliketotryit?”
“I’dloveto Ishouldprobablygetanewspoonthough”
BeforeIcanraiseahandtosummonAmberbacktoourtableandfetchsomenewutensils,Dr.Khiêmhasalreadyprepareda heapingportionofchèbamàuonhisownspoonandisstretchinghisarmacrossthetabletowardsme.
“But ”
“Goon,tryit”Henudgesthespooncloseruntilit’srightinfrontofme Ileandownandbiteit.Dr.Khiêmjerksback,asifhewasn’tpreparedformetodothat.Surprisedbyhis suddenmovement, Ichokeoneverythingthatwentintomymouth.
“Ah,”heexclaims “Ididn’tmean ” Iflapmyhandathim,tryingtosignalthatI’llbebetterinasecond Iendupinacoughingboutinstead Itakeaswigof coffeetogettheclingybitsofjellyandiceoutofmythroat,andfeelreliefwhenmyairwaysopenbackuptoafunctionalsize. “I’mfine,”Itellhim.Still,Itakeanothersipofcoffeetobesafe.“Ibarelygottotasteitthough.”
Dr Khiêmlookstornbetweenofferingmeanotherbite,andburyinghisheadsomewhereintheground “Ithoughtyouwere goingtotakethespoonfromme,not ”Heclearshisthroat “I’msorryforcausingyoutrouble” “No,it’smyfault.Imisunderstood.”
Anormalpersonwould’vetakenthespoonfromhim,notchompedonitlikeanill-trainedanimal Me?I’vegotastomach biggerthanmyeyes.Andapparentlybiggerthanmysocial-cuesensibilities,too.
“Wouldyoustillliketotryit?”
Igivehimawrylook.“I’mworriedthatifsomethinghappensagain,you’regoingtohaveaheartattack.Youlookedlikeyou werehavingmoretroublebreathingthanme”
“Oh.DidI?”Noticinghisstiffshoulders,herelaxesthem.“IguessIwasworriedIruinedeverything.Makingagirlchokeon afirstdatedoesn’tseemlikeagoodstart.”
“Hm,well,dependsonwhatyou’reputtinginhermouth.”
Bothofusfreeze
Ohboy.Meandmylackoffilter.It’sbeensolongsinceI’vebeenonadatethatI’veforgottenhowtoactproperly.Andhow tokeepmyinappropriatejokestomyself.
Dr.Khiêmopensandcloseshismouthacoupleoftimes,likehewantstosaysomethingbutdoesn’tknowwheretostart. There’sasteadyblushrisinginhischeeks Ifeelitmatchedinmine God,thisisembarrassing Iwentfromzerotosixty withoutthinking.
“Anyway, tellmeaboutyourself,”Isay,tryingtoswitchtracks.Iavertmygazeandfocustoointentlyonmoldingaperfect spoonfulofkembơinmycup.“Where’dyougotoschool?”
Dr Khiêmseemsgratefulforthechangeofsubject “Istayedlocal IattendedtheUniversityofEvergroveandmajoredin Psychology,thenwenttomedicalschoolupnorth.You?”
“Noway,Evergroveismyalmamatertoo.It’dbewildifwewerethereatthesametimeanddidn’tknowit.Howlongago didyougraduate?”
“Icouldbewrong,butIbelieveI’mcominguponmytenthanniversarythisyear”
“Tenth Waitaminute,howoldareyou?Ithoughtyouwerelike,twenty-seven,tops.”Helookssoyouthfulthatfora momentIworriedImightbecougaringonhimabit.
“I’mthirty-four.”
“Thirty what?”Igapeathim “I’mthirty You’reolderthanme?”
Hegrins “Everheardthephrase‘Asiandon’traisin’?”
“No,butI’mbelievingit.”Isitbackinmychair,stunned.Helooksdamngoodforthirty-four.
“Whatdidyoustudy?”heasks.
Iwavemyhanddismissively “HistorywithafocusonBabylonianmythology,whichendedupbeinguseless”Ieatanother biteofkembơ “Ioriginallywantedtobearesearcher,butfoundoutIdon’tlikeresearch” “Youdon’t?”
“Okay,that’salie.Iloveresearch.Learningnewthingsisgreat,andIcangetsuckedinforhours.Evenmonths.ButIdon’t likethepoliticsofresearch,ifthatmakessense”
Hetiltshisheadatme,curious “Howso?”
“There’ssomanylayersofapprovalyouhavetogothrough.Soevenifyouhaveanideaofwhatyouwanttostudy,eachstep oftheprocessslowlychipsawayatituntiltheendproductlooksvastlydifferentfromwhatyoustartedwith.”Ifrown.“Itwas quiteawake-upcalltorealizethatwhatshouldbeanobjectiveareaofstudyisanythingbut”
Dr Khiêmnods “Icanrelatetothat Psychiatryfacessimilarobstacles Itcanbequitedifficulttopursuethetopicsyou want.Somuchofitisinfluencedbyyourmentors,yournetwork,youraccesstoresources,yourpreviouscertifications,etc.”
“Yes,exactly Likeifyouhaveanadvisorwho’sbiasedaboutsomething,itcanbealmostimpossibletogetthemtoapprove ofaprojectthatbumpsupagainstthatbias.”Ipause,heavingawistfulsigh.“Itdidn’thelpthatafterIgraduated,findingajob wasevenharder.”
“Sowhat’dyoudo?”Dr.Khiêmeatsabiteofhisdessert,buthiseyesstayonme.
“Igotareceptionistjobatavet’soffice” “Aveterinarian?”
Ilaugh.“Yeah,that’stheusualreactionIget.Myparentswerenotenthused.Notthatit’stheirbusinessanyway,sinceI’mthe onewhopaidmywaythroughschool.”
“Didtheyexpectyoutogotogradschool?”
“Suredid.That’sreallytheonlywaytogetajobinhistoricalresearchanyway.Iknewthat,butIdidn’tfeelmotivated enoughaftermyundergradexperience.Plus,withstudentloans…there’snotmuchroomforjoblessness,youknow?Therewas anopeningatthevetclinicnearmeandIappliedonawhim,notexpectingtogetitsinceIhadzeroexperience.Butthenboom, Igotit”
Hesmiles.“Youmustlikeanimals.I’veheardvetclinicsarequitedifficulttoworkin,evenforpeoplewhohaveapassion forit.”
“Ohyeah,that’sdefinitelytrue.They’reconstantlyunderstaffedandmostoftheworkdaysarechaoticfromstarttofinish.But Igrewupwithalotofpets,soitworkedoutokayforme”Itakeasipofmycoffee,realizingI’mchattinghisearoff “How aboutyou?Doyoulikepets?”
Dr.Khiêmlooksdowntohissideandreachesintohispantspocket,extractingaratherlarge,pristinelookingphone.Hemust beamindfulpersontonothaveasinglescratchonit.Meanwhile,minelookslikeitgotdroppedonatiledbathroomfloor. Becauseithas Multipletimes
“Heretheyare,BánhTiêuandCottonball.”
Thephotoheshowsmeonthescreenisenoughtomeltathousandhearts.Ontheleftsideofthephotoisatinytan-colored dog,withalong,silkycoat,buttonnose,andtwopleadinglylargebrowneyes.Ontheotherisaslightlybiggerdog,witha whitecurlycoatandlightbrownmarkingsonitsearsandface It’sgotanequallyheart-meltyface “Aww,they’rebothsocuteithurts!APapillonanda ”Itakeaguess “Poodlemix?”
“You’reclose.They’rebothmixes.BánhTiêuisPapillonandPomeranian,andCottonballisaBichonandShihZhumix.” “Goodness,Ijustwannasquishtheirlittlenoses.WhatdoesBánhTiêumean?”
Hegivesmeamischievoussmile “Ifwecomebackhereagain,youcanfindout” “Ohho,howsneakyofyou Isthatyourwayofaskingmeoutonaseconddate?” “Perhaps,”hesayscoyly.“I’dloveforyoutopickwhereyou’dliketogothistime.Ifyou’recomfortablewithit,ofcourse.” “Youdon’twanttocomebackheretogivethe uh ”Ihesitate,realizingI’mgoingtobutcherthenameofthethree-layer dessertnomatterwhat “ ’shey-uh bao mao ’ anotherwhirl?”
“Isupposewehavenochoicebuttoconsiderathirddateaswell Iffornootherreasonthantoworkonpronunciation” Ilaugh.“Deal.”
NEVERHAVEIFELTmoregratefulforGroupondealsthanIdonow.
Idon’tusuallyhavetheopportunitytojumpontheirofferssincemostofmyfriendsaretoobusywithwork,orthedealsare foractivitiesI’mnotinterestedin Itdoesn’thelpthatthepricesarealsoexpensive,evenwiththediscounts Thistimeisdifferent.IwanttoimpressDr.Khiêm.Oratleastmakesurehehasagoodtime.So,Ihopehelikesfish,because we’regonnahaveafishykindofday.
We’llstartwithadolphintouratthenearbybeachcityofAnchorsville,onlytwenty-fiveminutesawayfromEvergrove Then,ifthedategoeswellandwewanttokeepgoing,wecanhitupthefamousaquariumthereandgetanevenbiggerdoseof fishyfriends.(Ifnot,wecanbothheadhome.)Theaquariumwillalsopresentabetteropportunitytotalk,sinceit’sjustthetwo ofusandnotagroupactivitylikethedolphintour.
Dr.Khiêmtellsmehe’llhavetomeetmetheresincehehassomeSunrisepaperworktofinishupinthemorningbeforehe canleave Ibookthetourforanafter-lunchtimeslotof2pmtogivehimanicecushion OnceSaturdayrollsaround,Idigout myblacksunhatfromwithinthedepthsofmydisastrouslydisorganizedcloset,slaponathicklayerofSPF50sunscreenand anoverlylargepairofCelebrity-at-the-Airportstylesunglasses,andhoponthesubwayrailtotakemetotheseaside.
Iarriveandstepoutoftheundergroundtunnels.Thewarmthofthenoondaysunfeelsniceonmyskin,pairingwellwiththe saltytangoftheoceanbreeze Todayisgoingtobeagoodday Icanfeelit
Checkinginwiththetourcompanyiseasy.IsendanupdatetexttoDr.Khiêmanddecidetowaitforhimatabenchnearthe parkinglot.There’sonetuckedunderthecanopyofasweetbaymagnoliatree,itsbuttery-whiteflowersprovidingafragrant patchoflemon-scentedshadeandarelaxingatmosphere.
WhenDr Khiêmarrives,however,mystomachstartstoflipwithnerves
Helooksgood.Realgood.He’swearingalong-sleevedjadeshirtandadarkpairofpantsthatfithimlikeaglove.The breezeisblowingfromhisside,makingthefabricofhisshirtrippleacrosshimandclingtohismuscles.It’sgivingmequitea detailedviewofhispecsandarms.Underthatslimframe,he’sjacked.Unf. “Didyouwaitlong?”heasksasheapproachesme “Nope,notatall.”Itrytoignorethefactthathismuscledefinitionisevenmoredistractingupclose.Hisnipplesareso prominentunderhisshirtthattheymightaswellbesayinghellotome.Iresisttheurgetosayhelloback.“Readytogo?The tourstartsinabouttenminutes,soweshouldprobablygetontheboat.”
Wemakeourwaytothedock Dr Khiêmclimbsonboardfirstandreachesbacktogivemeahand,gentlemanthatheis I learnedfromaquickGooglesearchthatthetypeofboatwe’reoniscalledaRIB,orrigid-hullinflatable It’sgotacurved,
ROCKTHEBOAT
Heidi
tube-likeouterringthatwrapsaroundthewholething,whichkindofremindsmeofarmfloatiesforkidsbutatanindustrial size.Itssharp,triangle-shapedbowpointsupwardfromthewaterabovethesternlevel.Itlookslikeit’sgoingtocutthrough thewaterprettyfast.
Anditdoes.Thecaptaingivesashort,thespian-flavoredspielbeforewesetoff,andnextthingIknow,thatgentleocean breezefromearlierbecomesaviciouswhippingforcethatmakesmehavetoholdontomyhatwithbothhands Myhair instantlylosesallthestylingeffortIputintoit.Grr.Imadeitlooksoprettytoo,curlingtheendsintowavestoemphasizethe ombregradientofthejetblackturningintoindigo-blueandthenpurple.
Buttherideisthrilling,soIcan’tbetoomad.Ilovethebeach.Idon’tgettovisititnearlyoftenenough.Ifeelmyfacerelax intoasatisfiedgrin Dolphins!We’regoingtoseereal-lifedolphinssoon IturntoDr.Khiêmtoseehowhe’sfaring,andthatgrinofmineslipsrightoffmyface.
Helooksmiserable.I’vealreadyfiguredouthe’sthestoictypewhodoesn’tshowhisemotionseasily unlikeme,who reallycoulddomoretokeepallthatincheck butthisisdifferent.Heseemsdistinctlymorestone-facedthanusual.There’sa resignedqualitytohisfrown,hiseyeslockedinafarawaystare Likehe’dratherbeanywherebehere
Ileanontherailingtowardshim.“Areyoufeelingseasick?”
Hestartsalittle,likehedidn’tnoticeIwasthere.“No.”
It’shardtohearovertheloudrushoftheboat’smovement,soIinchclosertohim.Ihaveafeelinghewantsmetospeak quietlylikeheis,butIcan’tdothatifI’mtoofaraway “Istheresomethingelsegoingon?”
Heshakeshishead.It’sacurt,almostimperceptiblemovement.“Nothing’swrong.”
Whichisclearlyalie.
Normally,Iwouldn’tpry Ifhe’snotbeingforthcomingwithanswers,that’snoneofmybusiness Theproblemiswe’restuck Onaboat.Fortwohours.Becauseofme.Soifhe’sfeelingawful,I’dliketoknowwhyandseeifIcanhelpcorrectthings.
Ipullbackfromtherailingandturnaround,leaningmybackonitinstead.Itugonthehatstringonmychintosecureit.Can’t takeanychanceswiththisdamnwind.Itakemyphoneoutofmypocketwithbothhandsandputmyelbowsupbehindme.I jamoutsomequicksentencesandhitsend
Dr Khiêmmust’vefeltabuzzinhispocket,becausehisfarawaystaregetsinterruptedforamomentandhereacheshishand downtopathispocket.Buthedoesn’tlookatit.Inudgehimwithmyelbow. “Youshouldcheckit,”Isay,smilingathim.
Hegivesmeaconfusedlook Inudgehimagain Hecompliesthistime,andIcantellhe’sreadmyfirstmessage 2:16 pm
Would texting be easier? I want you to have fun today, and it’s obvious you’re not. Please let me know what I can do to help.
Tomysurprise,Iwatchashisfrownbeginstoturnupwardsandhestartschucklingtohimself Me,beingthetrigger-finger texterIam,ofcoursehastocommentimmediately
2:17 pm
?? What’s so funny? Did I make things weird?
2:18 pm
Not at all. I’m simplyamused that you’re using a technique that mental health practitioners use with non-verbal clients.
2:18 pm I wasn’t expecting it.
Ican’thelpbutbreatheeasier.Atleasthe’stalkingtomeagain,andseemstobeinsomewhatbetterspiritsthanbefore.
2:18 pm
Oh yeah, mylittle cousin is autistic so we often use it with him. I guess I kind of take it for granted?
2:19 pm
I appreciate that you reached out to me this way. I admit I was uncomfortable speaking out loud.
2:19 pm
Do you mind telling me what’s going on?
Hehesitatesforamoment.Icatchhiseyesnervouslyflickingupwardbeforereturningtohisphonescreen.
2:20 pm
I’ll tell you, but you have to promise you won’t look at the person I’m talking about. I don’t want to draw their attention. 2:20 pm I promise!!
2:20 pm Who is it?
2:21 pm
The captain. Ever since I got on the boat, he won’t stop glaring at me.
It’sagoodthinghewarnedmenottolook Becauseifhehadn’t,Iprobablywouldhaveinstinctivelytakenapeek Instead,I keepmyfacegluedtomyscreen,likeIpromised.
2:22 pm
That’s so strange. Do you know why?
2:22 pm
Did you notice his attire? His hat has the Navyemblem on it, and he’s wearing militarygear too.
2:23 pm
I did notice, but I thought that was normal since a lot of people in this area are military
2:23 pm Wait do you have beef with the military???
2:23 pm
Don’t tell me you’re like a James Bond secret agent or something. I don’t want to be a Bond girl, theyalways die. Plus theyhave to have their tits out for no reason
Dr.Khiêmmakesasnortingsound,beforebringinguphishandtohismouthtostiflethelaughthatwantstofollow.
2:24 pm
If you were a Bond girl, your name would have a crude, sexist pun in it. So I think you’re safe.
2:24 pm
No, the reason I think he’s staring is because he’s a veteran from the American War in Việt Nam. His shirt has the Rolling Thunder logo on it.
2:25 pm Oh yikes
2:25 pm
You think he thinks you’re the enemyor something??
2:26 pm
Sadly, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve gotten this reaction. American vets generallydon’t like people who have faces like mine.
Webothgoquietforamoment.It’sawkwardtotextaboutsuchserioussubjectsinsteadofbeingabletotalkface-to-face especiallysincewe’rerightnexttoeachotherand,intheory,wecouldusethatoption.Exceptthatitwouldonlymakethings worseifweweretobeoverheard.
Theloudwhirroftheboatsuddenlyquietsdown Ifeelthevehicleslowingunderneathourfeet Myhairsettlesbackonmy shoulders,finallygettingarespitefromtheravagesofthewind Wemusthavegoneoutfarenoughfromtheshoreforthe dolphinwatchtoofficiallybegin.
Theotherpassengersmust’venoticedtoo Thesubduedsoundsofnaturecomingfromthewaveslappingagainstthehulland theseagullscryinginthedistancequicklygetsoverpoweredbythegrowingmurmursofexcitedhumans.Thosewhohavekids havealreadybeguntopositionthemtobeabletopeekoverthesiderailing.
Meanwhile,therestoftheadultsarejostlingeachotherforthebestvantagepoints,eventhoughthere’splentyofroomfor everyoneandnoonebutthecaptainwouldknowiftherearedolphinshererightnowanyway Sheesh,chillout,folks The oceanisn’tgoinganywhere.Andneitherarewe.
Thecaptainstartsperformingagain.Heletshisloud,staccatovoiceboomacrosstheboat.Insteadofagenericseafaring adventurespeechlikehegavebefore,thistimehestartstalkingabouttheAnchorsvilleFort,theNavyshipscurrentlydocked therethatwecanseeinthedistance,andthelonghistoryofUS militaryinthearea Great Unsurprisingly,IfeelmyphonevibratinginmyhandsfromaDr.Khiêmtext.
2:32 pm
When you told me this was a “marine life” tour, I think I expected something different.
2:32 pm asjfdklsdjfkds
2:32 pm
Listen I’m here for the dolphins, I don’t know whythere’s such a focus on the military
2:33 pm
Wait hold on let me look something up
IpullupmyinternetbrowserandtrytoretracemystepsfromwhenIbookedthetour.Ire-readthetourdescription,andfeel myfaceblanch.
2:35 pm
Well that explains it. Check out the link to the tour company’s site
2:36 pm
Oh, I see, it reallyis supposed to be a playon words… marine life and Marine life.
2:36 pm
Also, the companyis called “LibertyTours.”
2:36 pm
You didn’t notice it before?
2:35 pm ; ;
2:37 pm
I saw the words “discount” and “dolphins” and mybrain peaced out after that 2:38 pm
I’m sorry
2:39 pm
Don’t be, you didn’t do anything wrong. :)
“Iseeone!”
BothDr KhiêmandIjerkourheadsupfromourphones Thevoicebelongstoakid,possessingthathigh,slightlysqueaky pre-pubescentqualitytoit
Everyonefollowsthekid’sfingerasitpointsoutintotheocean.Themassofpassengersinstinctivelystompsovertothatside oftheboatasonegiantclump.ThankfullyforDr.Khiêmandme,we’realreadyintheperfectspot thetargetzoneistomy right
Aglistening,rubberygraybodybreaksthroughthewater’ssurface Itcutsthroughitinacleanarc,waterrushingoverits skin,beforedisappearingagain.
Adolphin!Itdidn’tjumpout justskimmedthesurfaceforamoment butit’sdefinitelyadolphin.Abottlenosedolphinto beexact,thekindmostcommonlyseenhere,accordingtomyexpertGoogleskillsfromyesterday (IfonlyIhadbotheredto lookupthedamntourcompany,too Waytogo,me)
Themurmurshavenowexplodedintogaspsandachorusofooh-ah’s.Phonesmiraculouslyappearineveryone’shands, readytocapturethemomentthedolphindecidestobelessshy.
Andboom,thereitis.It’srotatedontoitsback,itswhitebellycatchingthesunlightlikeastreakofpaint.Itsbodyundulates upanddownnearthesurface,asifstillweighingwhetherornottofullyemerge Thenitdelightsusallbywavingoneofits flippersintheair.Asifbymagic,awholepodofhalfadozenotherdolphinsstartstoappearbehindit.Similartohowthe groupofpassengersonourboatmovedasone,sotoodothedolphinsseemtobeonthesamewavelength,theirbodiesmoving inandoutofthewaterinunison.
I’msocaughtupinthethrillofthesightthatIdidn’tnoticethatDr Khiêmhascomecloser Soclose,infact,thathisright armispressedquitesnugglyagainstmyleft.
“Lookhowsmooththeyare,”hesays.“Soplayful.”Excepthedoesn’tsimplysayit.Hepracticallygushes,enthusiasm lightinguphiseyes.
Ajoylikethatsitsonhisfacehandsomely Toohandsomely Betweentheafternoonsunlightpaintinghischeeksinradiant dabsofgoldandorange,andthegenuine,unfilteredawethat’smakinghislipsparteversoslightly…Suddenly,Ibecome very awareofthewarmthofhisbodyonmyarm.
TheheatIfeelquicklystartstospread.Itflowsfast,surgingupmyarmlikeathermometer.SoonIfeelitinmyneckandmy ears Ihavetoresisttheurgetofanmyself,sweatbeadingmoreaggressivelyalongmycollarthanitdidfromthesummer temperaturealone.
“I’veneverseenanythinglikeit.”Dr.Khiêmisleaningsomewhatinfrontofme,hisneckcraningtotherighttogetabetter lookatthedolphinpod.Heseemscompletelyengrossedintheirmovements.“They’resoclose.Itmakesyouwanttoreachout andtouchthem,doesn’tit?”
Heturnstolookatme,andIjoltuprightfromtheeyecontact Ialmostpullawayfromhisarm ButifIdothat,he’llthinkI don’tlikeit,whichcouldn’tbefurtherfromthetruth.Plus,there’sachancethathedoesn’tevenrealizehe’sdoingit.Idon’t wanttoalerthimtoitonlytofindoutheregretsit.
“Itsuredoes,”Imanagetostammer.
“Oh,didyougetasunburnalready?”
“What?”
“There,onyourcheeks.”Hegentlypoints.“You’vegotaslightflush.”
Thankgodforlargesunglassesandtheirabilitytoconcealfiftypercentofhumanexpression.
“I’mjusthot Fromallthe,youknow,heat It’s,uh,veryhotouthereinthesun Imean,whew Aren’tyouhot?”
Hesmilesthathandsomesmileofhis,whichonlymakesmefeelmeltierinside.“IguessI’mlucky.Summerheatgenerally doesn’tbotherme.”Tomysimultaneousdisappointmentandrelief,hepullsawayfromme,severingtheconnectionbetween ourarms.Arushofcruel,coolairflowsintotheemptinessheleaves.Bendingdown,hereachestowardsthebackpackathis feetandunzipsitstopportion Heretrievesadisposablewaterbottlefromit Hehandsittomebeforereachingintograb more.
“Icameprepared,”hesaysasheholdsupeachitemhepullsfromitsinsides.“Ihaveawholesixpackifyouneedit.I’ve alsogotsnacks,bandaids,sunscreen,andaloevera.”
Ican’thelpbutlaugh “That’sverydoctorlyofyou”Iresisttheurgetomakeaninappropriatecommentaboutthesix-pack andthevisualtreatIgotearlierintheparkinglot.
“It’simportanttostayhydrated.”
Iuncapthewaterandpreparetotakeaswig.“Samegoesforyou.Where’syourwater,MisterHealthcareProfessional?”
“Uh”Helookshelplesslyathishands,whicharefullofhissupplies Ilaughagain.“Here,Igotyou.Sayah!”
Imotionathimtoanglehischinupwardsinfrontofthebottleandopenhismouth.Hehesitatesforamoment.It’sonlya millisecondortwo,butit’senoughformetogetnervousthinkingthatI’maweirdoforsuggestingthis.Whenhefinallydecides toopenup,I’msorelievedthatItipthebottleallthewayoverandpouritinwithoutthinking
This,ofcourse,makesthewatercomeoutwaytoofastforhimtodrink Itinsteaddrownshiminit Thewaterelicitsa surprised glub-glub-glub noisefromhisthroatanddrenchesthetopofhisshirtwitheverydropofliquidthatfailedtomakeits waytohismouth.
“Shit!I’msorry”
Astreamofwaterjetsfromhismouthinanarcashespitsitout Heletsoutahackingcough “Isupposethisispaybackfromourcafédate.Wasthatyourplanallalong?” “No,Iswear!”
Hewipesthewateroffhischeekswiththebackofhishandandgrins “Doesthismakeusevenatleast?” Istarttoanswer,andgetcutoffbythesoundofathroatbeingaggressivelyclearedfrombehindus “Lookout,we’vegotawildbottlenoseontheboat.”
Dr.KhiêmandIbothfreeze.Thevoiceiselderlybutauthoritative,edgedwithagruff,entitledexpectationthatwe’lllistento itimmediately Whichisn’tnecessary,becausewedo itclearlybelongstothecaptain Weturnaround Igetagoodlookatthecaptainforthefirsttime Awhitemaninhisseventies,he’sshorterthanbothDr KhiêmandI,maybe5’5”.Hishair oratleastwhat’sleftofit iswhitetoo.It’stuckedunderabluebaseballcapwiththe
US Navyinsignia AsDr Khiêmnotedearlier,he’swearingat-shirtwiththeRollingThunderlogoonitandsomekindof tacticalgearstrappedacrosshischestandhips.Itseemsunnecessaryforthistripwithabunchoftourists.
ThecaptainnodshischinatDr.Khiêm.“Thedolphinsdothattoo,youknow.Spittingoutwater.Buttheydon’tdoitonmy boat.”
“That’smyfault,”Iinterject “Iwashorsingaroundandmadeamess”
Thecaptainturnstome.Icanseethecalculatingexpressioninhisblueeyes,asifheweresizingupthetwoofusandtrying tofigureusout.Especiallywhetherornotwe’dtoleratehimthrowingmoreofhispsychicweightaround.Idon’twanttotake thechancethatDr.Khiêmwouldthrowitrightback.Eventhoughhe’dbejustifiedindoingso,sincehe’sbeingtreatedwith suchsuspicionfornothing
“Isthisyourfirstdolphintour?”thecaptainasks.Heasksmethough,notDr.Khiêm.Asifhewantstomakeapointof showingthathecouldturnDr.Khiêminvisiblewhenhewants.
“It’safirstforusboth,”Dr.Khiêmsaysanyway.
Thecaptainshifts,regardingDr Khiêmmoreclosely “Really?Mostfirst-timerswouldhaveabetterattentionspanforthe dolphins.”
Dr.Khiêmshrugs.“Itwouldappearthatthey’regoingtobearoundforawhile.We’vegottime.”
Althoughhiswordssoundnonchalant,hisbodylanguagesuggestsotherwise.It’sdefiant.Coiledandtense,likeasnake.My skinprickleswiththewarningthatthecaptainwon’tlikethat
“Yeah,we’vegotplentyoftime!”IsayasbrightlyasIcan,tryingtoredirecttheattentiontome.“Butweshouldprobablyget backtowatchingthem.”
Abeatpasseswherenoonesaysanything.Ifret,wonderingifIshouldsaysomethingtothawouttheicethat’sformed,butI havenocluewhatIcouldsaythatwouldn’tpotentiallymakethingsworse
Finally,thecaptaingrunts.“Hm.Well,don’tmissoutonitthen.”Headjustshiscapandstumpsaway.Reachingtheother passengersatthefarendoftheboat,hestartschattingthemup.EvenfromhereIcantellhistoneismuchfriendlierandlighter withthem,thatboomingthespianvoicecomingbackasheregalesthemwithfunfactsaboutbottlenosedolphins.
“Thatwasawkward,”Isay
Dr Khiêmletsoutahuffofannoyance “Tosaytheleast” “Isitalwayslikethis?”
“Withmilitarymen?Itdependsontheagetosomeextent,butgenerallyspeaking,yes.Itdoesn’thelpthatI’mwithyou.” “Huh?What’dIdo?”
“Don’tworry,youhaven’tdoneanythingwrong It’sonlythat” hepausesforamoment,lookingshy “you’revery beautiful.”
Iflushattheunexpectedcompliment.“Oh.”
Hesmiles “Thecaptainhaseyes,soI’msurehecanseeittoo”
Ifeelmybrowspulltogether,confused I’mnotfollowinghowthesethoughtsareconnected “It’skindofhardtoexplain,”Dr.Khiêmsaysinmysilence.“Butbasically,whitemendon’tlikeseeingmenofcolorwith whitewomen.Itputsthemonedge.Makesthemfeel…territorial.”
IthinkbacktowhatIknowabouthowBlackmengettreated theinfamousexampleofEmmettTillsticksoutinmymind anditmakessense Ididn’tknowthatsentimentappliedtoAsianmen,though Ifrown.“Becauseyou’re‘takingwhat’stheirs’?”
“Yes,precisely”Heleansontotherailing,lettinghiseyestraveltowherethedolphinsare Ifollowhisleadandposition myselfnexttohim.
“Youcan’t‘take’whatwasn’ttheirsinthefirstplace.”Iscoff.“Asifwomenbelongtothem.Asifwelikebeingtreatedlike propertyor,godforbid,awalkingfleshlight.”
“Areyoutellingmeyoudon’twishtohaveanamelikePussyGalore?”
IbustoutlaughingattheunexpectedcallbacktoourearlierJamesBondconversation.
“Youknowyour007lore.”
“It’sagoodthingyoudotoo,otherwisethatjokemight’veendedpoorly.”
“You’reright Yousaiditwithsuchastraightfacethatyoureallymight’veendedupsleepingwiththefisheshere”
Oneofthedolphinsmakesthatplayfulcacklesoundoftheirs,drawingourattention.Theentirepodhasapproachedtheboat bynow.Theirnumbershavegrowntoo,sothatthetotalisaboutadozeninsteadofhalfthatamount.Asaresult,thepassengers havebeensufficientlywhippedupintoaphotofrenzy.
Itakeoutmyphoneandstartsnappingsomephotosofmyown Tomydelight,adolphinemergesrightinfrontofusand pokesitsheadoutofthewater.
“Dr.Khiêm,look!It’ssayinghello.”
Rightashedoes,thedolphinopensitsmouth.Wecanseeitssoft,pinktongueandimpressive,somewhatterrifyingrowsof sharpteeth
“It’slikeit’ssmilingatus,”hesaysexcitedly.
“Quick,let’stakeaselfie.”
ItugonDr.Khiêm’ssleevetoprompthimtogetclosertosqueezeintheframe.Hecomplies.Feelinghisarmagainstmine oncemore,awaveofbutterfliessproutsinmybelly,accompaniedbyatinglyawarenessofwherehisbodyistouchingmine Onthephonescreen,Icanseeourfaces.Webothlooksun-kissed,andhappy.Thedolphinbehindusstillhasitsjokester smileonitsface.Perfect.
Isnapthephoto.
Buttruthfully,Idon’treallyneedit Thememoryisalreadyenough
HEIDILOOKSBEAUTIFUL.
Rather,Ishouldsayshelooksespeciallybeautifulrightnow ShewasalreadybeautifulwhenIfirstsawherthisafternoon, dressedtotheninesinabreezy,blackdresswithwhiterosesandthornsonitandawide-brimmedhattomatch Asummergoth look.Fromafar,thetattoosleeveonherleftarmalmostlookslikepartofthefabric.Ourhoursspentonthewatersofthe Atlantichavedonenothingbutdialupthebrightnessonthatinnershineofhers.Hercheeksarerosy,andthere’sasparklein herpalegreeneyes Ibelieveit’ssafetosayshe’shavingfun
Thedarkhallwaysoftheaquariumareaperfectfollow-uptotheoceansunfromearlier AsmuchasHeidiandIenjoyedthe sunlightduringourdolphintour,Ithinkwebothdesiredabreakfromitsrelentlesspresence.So,whensheinvitedmeto continueourdateattheAnchorsvilleaquarium,Iaccepted.
“WhatwereyougoingtodoifIsaidno?”Iaskherasweambledownatunnelinthejellyfishsection.Thelightingisextra dimhere,allowingtheneonglowofeachjellyfishtanktodazzlethroughouttheroom Thejelliesbobupanddowninthe water,gracefullyandlazily,likethey’vegotnowhereimportanttobe.Timeseemstoslowdown.
Heidi,ontheotherhand,appearspeppyandenergized.Herattentiondartsfromonetanktothenextaswewalkbythem.She hasthesamelevelofenthusiasmastheyouthhere.It’sendearing.
“IguessIwasgoingtohoponthesubwayandgohome?”shereplies Westoptolookatthespottedlagoonjellies Heidi snapssomephotosofthem.
“IthoughtyousaidyoualreadypaidfortheadmissionticketsthroughtheGroupondeal.” Heiditurnsbashfulandkickshershoeattheground.“That’saminordetail.”
“Wouldyouhavethrownthemaway?”
Shecontinuestolookdownatherfeet,andIrealizethatmaybehershoesarenotsuitableforallthewalkingwe’vebeen doingandwillcontinuetodo.Ithinkthey’recallededges.Orperhapsitwaswedges;Idon’trecall.Eitherway,theyappear stylish.YetIknowenoughfrommysisters’complaintstounderstandthatfashionmeansnothingintermsofcomfortwhenit comestowomen’sshoes
“I’dprobablygotowherepeoplearewaitinginlineattheentrance,andgivetheticketsawaytosomeonewhohadn’t purchasedanyyet,”shesays.“Maybeafamilywithkidsorsomething.”
“Isee.”Istartsteeringusintothenextroom,hopingtherewillbebenchestherelikeI’veseeninpreviousrooms.“Well,I’m relievedyoudecidedtokeepthemsowecouldusethem Iwashopingtospendmoretimewithyou”
“EvenafterthestringofcatastrophesonCaptainRambo’sboat?”
FISHOUTOFWATER Khiêm
Itrytonottolaugh
Sheclearlythinksshehandledthingsmoredisastrouslythanshedid Idon’tbelievesheknowshow muchthatfirsttextofhersmeanttome.“Yousaycatastrophes,Isayinterestingsurprises.”
“Ilikethat.I’mgoingtousethatonmyresume.TellmynextbossthatIhavenomistakesinmyrecords,onlyinteresting surprises.”
“Nextboss?”
Hereyeswidenwithregret,andIcantellI’veunintentionallystruckanerve. “Look,it’sthefamousmoonjellytank,”shesaysabruptly.
We’vealreadyexitedthetunnelandemergedintoamuchbiggerroom.Insideitisthelargestjellyfishdisplaytankwe’ve seensofar,stretchingfromoneendoftheroomtotheotherandteemingwithdozensofwithmoonjellies Theirround, toadstool-shapedbodiesareeerie,emanatingglowinglightinflashesofpaleceruleansandelectriclavenders.It’snowonder theygetcenterstagehere.Theydeserveit.
Thankfully,thereareseveralbenchesscatteredaroundtheroomasIhadhoped.Igestureatone,andHeidisitsdownalmost immediately
“IshouldprobablytellyouI’mcurrently‘betweenjobs’,”shesayswithasigh.“Betterforyoutofindoutnowratherthan later.”Asexpected,thisseemstobeasorespotforher.Asorenessherfeetalsoseemtoshare shebeginsadjustingthestraps oneachshoe,asifshe’dremovetheshoesaltogetherandrubherheelsifshecould.
Isitdownbesideherandpullopenmybag “There’snoneedtobeashamedaboutjobstruggles We’veallhadthem”I reachinsidetograbtheboxofbandaids.“Here,usethese.”
Shetakesit,butstaresatmeforamoment.“Youreallycamepreparedforeverything,huh?”
“Youcancreditthattoeitheryearsofmedicalschoolortohavingaclumsyyoungersisterwhohasahabitofrunninginto inanimateobjects Yourpick”
Shesmiles.“Howyoung?”
“Twenty-one.HernameisLiên.Ihaveanoldersister,Thương,whothankfullydoesnotinducenearlyasmuchchaosinthe family.”
“IthinkinmyfamilyI’m theelementofchaos,”Heidisayswryly “MyolderbrotherEddieisconsideredthe‘stable’one, whatwithhiscushyrealestateagentjobandallthat Meanwhile,I’mtheperpetualdisappointment”Shemakesaface,once againappearingtoregretherwords.“Itdoesn’tbotheryouthatI’munemployed?”
“Whyshoulditbotherme?”
“Youknow,Icanseewhyyou’reatherapist Youhavethisverychill,verymellowatmospherearoundyou Itmakesmewant tospillmygutsandsaysomethingstupid”
“Likewhat?”
“See,thereyougoagainwiththattherapistvoice.Sodeepandcalm.”
She’swrongthough;I’mnotcalm
Thebenchwe’resittingoniswideandlong intendedtoseatmultiplepatrons whichmeantthatoriginallytherewas plentyofcomfortablespacebetweenHeidiandme.However,awhiteelderlycouplehasdecidedtojoinusontheotherend. Thehusbandisclearlystrugglingtoseathimself,hiscanerattlinginhiswristashiswifehelpshimlowerhimself.Ifeelan unspokenpressuretohuddleclosertoHeiditogivethemmoreroomtomaneuver So,Ido
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CHAPTER V PIANOFORTE MUSIC AT THE TIME OF BEETHOVEN
The broadening of technical possibilities and its consequences
Minor disciples of Mozart and Beethoven: J. N. Hummel; J. B. Cramer; John Field; other contemporaries The pioneers in new forms: Weber and Schubert; technical characteristics of Weber’s style; Weber’s sonatas, etc ; the Conzertstück; qualities of Weber’s pianoforte music Franz Schubert as pianoforte composer; his sonatas; miscellaneous works; the impromptus; the Moments musicaux The Weber-Schubert era and the dawn of the Romantic spirit
Beethoven developed his own pianoforte technique to respond to his own great need of self-expression. He not so much consulted the qualities of the piano as demanded that it conform to his ideas. These ideas were, in many cases, as grand as those which have later called upon the full resources of the orchestra; and, therefore, as we have said, he called upon the piano to do the full service of the orchestra. As a result the instrument was taxed to its uttermost limits; but within those limits lay many effects which were of no service to Beethoven. Out of these effects a new race of musicians was to build a new style of music. There grew up a technique, slave to the instrument, which with well-nigh countless composers was an end in itself. With most of these composers there was a dearth of ideas, but they rendered a service to the art which must be acknowledged.
I
Among the most meritorious and the most influential of these musicians was Johann Nepomuk Hummel (1778-1837). Hummel attracted the attention of Mozart as a boy, and the latter took him as a pupil into his house for two years. By the time he was eleven he was winning fame as a virtuoso. The course of concert tours brought him to London, where he settled for several years, to absorb what he could from the greatly renowned Clementi. From then on he enjoyed a brilliant fame, not only as a player, but as a composer as well. And for what was his playing admired? For the remarkable clearness and evenness of his touch, for one thing. So was the playing of Dussek, of Cramer, of Field, of Moscheles, of Kalkbrenner, of Ferdinand Hiller, of any number of others. Clearness and evenness of touch did not distinguish one great player from another then, more than it does now. Yet they are qualities endlessly bespoken by all biographers for their favorite pianists.
Hummel seems to have had in addition a grace of style not so common. This may well have become part of him through the influence of Mozart. And a certain grace characterizes his compositions. These comprise caprices, dances, rondos, sets of variations, all manner of show pieces, brilliant and graceful in their day, sonatas and concertos. These pieces were popular, they were famous, they were in a way more influential in shaping the growth of pianoforte technique than were the sonatas of Beethoven. As a matter of fact, they present little in the way of brilliance but scales and arpeggios. Yet even now they make the piano sound with a captivating fluency.
One work may be signalized as marking a keen instinct for pianistic effects, as really pointing to some such treatment of the keyboard as Chopin, by reason of his immortal fancy, made unsurpassable, perfect. This is the concerto in A minor. Here, as we should expect, he indulged himself in weaving elaborate show-figures over an orchestral groundwork of little or no musical value. But the showfigures are often brilliantly effective. For example, after the piano has
played the second theme in the first movement, there follows a long quasi-solo passage of mixed double and single notes, which, trivial as it may be as music, gives what one might call a lot of jolly good fun. Notice the wide spacing here and there, the frequent expeditions into the highest registers, the marches from bottom to top and the oily trickling back to middle again. Then in the development section there is good fun too; and there is a coda which demands the wrist of a virtuoso such as Chopin or Liszt, instantaneous skips of the arm, runs for both hands in thirds, all remarkably fluent and all sprung right from the nature if not the soul of the instrument.
The adagio is, of course, flaccid worthlessness; but the final rondo has no little musical charm, and, as far as treatment of the pianoforte goes, is not at all unworthy of Liszt. The triplet rhythm is in itself brilliantly maintained; there are series of fourths and sixths, triplet figures very widely spaced, and again single and double notes mixed in the same group, runs in thirds, chromatic thirds, double trills, a profusion, in fact, of most of the virtuoso’s stock in trade, all gracefully and brilliantly displayed.
It will be noticed that the best of it is sheer figure work, without pianoforte accompaniment, or lightly supported by the orchestra. And this may point to one of the marks of its mediocrity as a whole, one of the reasons why it sounds, after all, laughably old-fashioned in many measures. This is no other than the lack of variety, of skill, and of taste in accompaniment figures. In one of the unquestionably effective passages already referred to—the first solo passages for the piano in the first movement, after the second theme—the righthand work is modern; but the left hand has only the vapid, commonplace tum-tum scheme of single note and chord. Not only is this formula repeated flatly, without attempt at variety, in blissful ignorance of its unworthiness; even the very notes are repeated as far as it is possible to go without changing the harmony.
Here the question may arise as to whether this monotonous device is more contemptible than the Alberti bass. The answer is that the Alberti bass is essentially a harmonic formula. Its use makes a
certain series of harmonies vibrate under a melody. Its outline need not, should not, be clear-cut, its notes must not be played evenly and unvaryingly. Here, over this tum-tum figure, we have no melody, but a series of effects; and the tum-tum figure does not serve primarily to furnish harmony, but to keep up a commonplace rhythm to which the figures add no diversion. And, whereas the Alberti bass is a flexible device, this is rigid. It can be lightly played, but, even if unobtrusive, is necessarily commonplace.
But Hummel on the whole contributed considerably to the technique that belongs specially to the pianoforte, and most of his contributions have a grace that makes them pleasant even while his inspiration is perhaps often lower than mediocre. He was by many regarded as the equal of Beethoven, a delightful proof of the power of pleasant, lively sound to intoxicate.
A contemporary of Hummel highly praised by Beethoven was J. B. Cramer, son of a well-known German musical family. He was another of Clementi’s pupils. He, too, had the clear and even touch; but his compositions are less effective than Hummel’s, probably because he had a more serious ideal of music. Both as a pianist and as a composer he was famous in his day; now he has but little fame left him except what still hangs over the Studies he wrote. In the words of A. Marmontel,[31] we salute in him the eldest son of Clementi, the direct representative, the authorized furtherer of his school. He wrote, among other things, one hundred and five sonatas. They are of the past; but the studies, particularly the first sixteen, are still useful, not only in training the fingers, but in inculcating some sense of good style into the brain of the student.
John Field is still another pupil of Clementi, the favorite pupil according to well-founded tradition. He was born in Dublin in 1782 and died in Moscow in 1837. His addiction to good wines and whiskey, and a consequent corpulence, broke down his health and his art. But he was at one time one of the most beloved of pianists. With him it was not only clearness and evenness of touch; there was poetry, tenderness, and warmth as well. He was, of course, of the
sentimental school, the foremost of the professional pianists of that day in power of expression. On a concert tour to Italy, undertaken toward the end of his life and culminating in a long, miserable illness, he met with little success; but elsewhere in Europe he exerted a charm upon audiences which was almost hypnotic. His playing was wholly unperturbed by signs of violent emotion, dreamy and indolent, yet of most unusual sweetness and delicacy. He had enormous success as a teacher, especially in Russia, where a great part of his life was spent; and the mark he left upon the art of playing and of composing for the pianoforte has never been wholly obliterated.
Most of his compositions have been neglected, or forgotten. They include seven concertos, four sonatas, numerous rondos, sets of variations, dances, and twenty or more little pieces to which he gave the title of Nocturnes. These nocturnes are a new and a conspicuous appearance in music. By them he is still remembered, by them a fairly distinct style and form of pianoforte music were introduced. They were indolently composed, negligently published, scattered here and there over Europe; but they made an indelible impression upon men and women of that day, especially upon those who had heard him play them himself, and must be recognized as the prototype of the countless ‘nocturnes,’ ‘songs without words,’ ‘reveries,’ ‘eclogues,’ and ‘idylls’ which have since been written.
Just what distinguishes them from earlier works for the pianoforte it is not easy to say exactly. The form, for one thing, seems new. They are for the most part short, often not more than two pages long. They consist of three sections, a long flowing melody, a contrasting section which is for the most part melodious too, and a return to the opening melody, commonly elaborated. There is in most of them a little coda as well. Most short pieces of the day, and even of an earlier time, were in the well-known forms of rondos or simple dances, from which these are obviously quite distinct. But as far as form goes they are not very different from the aria, except in that the middle section generally maintains the accompaniment figures of the first section and essentially the same mood as well, so that there is little appreciable sense of demarcation. Other short pieces to which
one looks for a possible origin, such as those of Couperin and the preludes of Bach, are far more articulate and far less lyrical. The sonatas of D. Scarlatti and the Bagatelles of Beethoven are mostly pieces in two sections, each repeated. The same is true of the Moments musicals of Schubert. In the nocturnes of Field no distinct feature of form is obtrusive. The intellectual element is wanting. There is no attempt at crispness of outline, or antithesis or balance. They seem to be an emanation of mood or sentiment, not a presentation of them. Hence they represent a new type in music, one which has little to do with emotions or ideas, with their arrangement or development, but lets itself flow idly upon a mood.
In style they are wholly lyrical. The accompaniment is usually monotonous and unvaried, but always flexible. Here, then, one looks to find the Alberti bass; and here it presents itself most clearly in the second stage of its development. The harmonic stream on which the melody floats along is a series of chords broken into their constituent parts so that they may be kept in a constant and gentle vibration. But, whereas the Alberti bass in its first stage was a device applied to the harpsichord and for that reason was always close within the span of the hand, here in its second stage, now adapted to the pianoforte, it has been expanded. The pedal can now be counted upon to blend the relatively wide figures into one harmonic whole. Therefore, instead of the original close grouping, we now find this wider one:
This is no original invention of Field’s. Beethoven, in the sonata opus 90, wrote figures like this:
But this figure, as will be seen, is sustained by a powerful, quickchanging harmony. The bass part has a rhythmical significance as important as its harmonic. With Field the function of such figures is purely harmonic, and in the appreciation of such wide spacing, and in a gentle gracefulness in the arrangement of the notes, he stands beyond all his early contemporaries and, of course, beyond his predecessors. He is the first to give to his accompaniment the flowing, undulating line which touches with nearly unfailing instinct upon those notes that will give his harmony most richness.
A similar instinct for what sounds well on the piano marks the ornamentation with which he adorned his melodies, or those figures into which he allowed the melodies to dissolve. In this most clearly he is the predecessor of Chopin. It is perhaps worthy of note that he was accustomed to add such ornaments ex tempore when playing before audiences. Only a few are written out in the published editions of his works. We may have occasion to refer to this in speaking later of Chopin.
As for the nature of the simple melodies themselves, they are sweet and graceful, sometimes lovely. They are, of course, sentimental. One may hesitate to call them mawkish, for a certain naïve freshness and spontaneity despite a touch of something that is not wholly healthy. It is easy to understand the charm they exerted upon those who heard him play them. The complete lack of any harshness, of any passion or poignancy, of any ecstasy, is delightfully soothing. But beyond this gentle charm they have little to reveal. Liszt’s preface to a German edition of a few of the nocturnes, published in 1859, suggests the rose that died in aromatic pain. It is more unhealthy than the nocturnes themselves, be it added in justice to Field.
Other composers and virtuosi of the time of Beethoven need scarcely more than mention. Gelinek (d. 1825) and Steibelt (d. 1823) are remembered for their encounters with Beethoven. Ignaz Moscheles (1794-1870) came into close touch with Beethoven, but, like Cramer, is chiefly of note as a teacher. He was, however, more than Cramer a virtuoso, and less than he of profound musical worth. Chopin was fond of playing his duets. Beethoven’s pupil Carl Czerny (1791-1857) is well-known for his Études. Another pupil of Beethoven’s, Ferdinand Ries, was successful as a virtuoso; and a pupil of Hummel’s, Ferdinand Hiller, became an intimate friend of Chopin. The assiduousness with which most of these men cultivated the possibilities of the pianoforte is equalled only by the vacuousness of their compositions. But it is not what these men produced that is significant; rather what they represent of the tendencies of the time. Their music furnishes the background of musical taste against which a better and more significant art, both of playing and composing for the piano, built itself. Only Hummel and Field are distinct in their musical gifts; the one in the matter of sheer brilliant and graceful effectiveness, the other in the appreciation of veiled and shadowy accompaniments and lyric sentiment. The best of their accomplishments served to prepare the way for the true poet and artist of the piano, Chopin. They, in a way, mined the metals with which he was to work.
Pianoforte Classics. From top left to bottom right: Czerny,
Hummel, Moscheles, Field.
II
Meanwhile two truly great musicians availed themselves of what was being everywhere around them brought to light. These are Carl Maria von Weber and Franz Peter Schubert. Both are perhaps most closely associated with developments outside the sphere of the pianoforte; the one with the growth of the national, romantic German opera, the other with the first glorious burst of artistic song. Yet the pianoforte works of both were destined to exert a powerful influence upon the subsequent work of the great German composers of later generations, upon Mendelssohn, Schumann and Brahms; and besides these upon Franz Liszt as well.
Weber died in London, whither he had gone to superintend the first performances of his opera Oberon, in 1826, about forty years of age. Schubert died in Vienna in 1828, only thirty-one years old. Both were much younger than Beethoven, but both were his contemporaries, and both, moreover, owed much to his influence. The expanded form and warm feeling of their sonatas show this unmistakably. On the other hand, neither was truly at his best in this long form. The cast of their genius led them to new paths, put them in sympathy with other forms, affiliated them more with the new than with the old. Their sonatas are a breaking down, a crumbling; measures and pages in them, however, stand out amid the ruins like foundation stones for the music to come. Their shorter pieces seem not at all related to the classical music of the Viennese period, to have nothing in common with the music of Haydn, Mozart, and Beethoven.
Of the two, Weber is far more the virtuoso. There are many pages of his music which are little more than effect. Furthermore, in his combination of pianistic effect and genuine musical feeling, he composed pieces which even today are in the repertory of most pianists, and which this permanence of their worth has led historians and critics to judge as the prototype of much of the pianoforte music
of the nineteenth century, chiefly of concert music. Yet in the expansion of pianoforte technique Weber invented little. To him belongs the credit of employing what was generally common property in his day for the expression of fanciful and delightful ideas.
The list of his pianoforte works is not very long. It includes several sets of variations, some dances, four big sonatas, two concertos, and the still renowned Konzertstück in F minor, and several pieces in brilliant style, of which the Polacca in E major, the Polonaise in E flat, and the famous ‘Invitation to the Dance’ are the best known.
Let us look over the variations. In such a form composers have usually shown the limits and the variety of their technique. The resources which Weber can call upon to vary his theme are not very numerous, not very original. His plan is almost invariably to announce his theme simply and then dress it up in a number of figures. The theme itself undergoes no metamorphosis, as we have seen it do in the variations of Bach and of Beethoven. It is unmistakable in all the variations. It is always clearly a groundwork upon which garlands are hung, which is never for long concealed.
Of the nature of these figures and garlands little need be said. Opus 6 is a set of variations on a theme from the opera ‘Castor and Pollux,’ written by his friend and teacher, the famous Abbé Vogler. The first five variations are hardly in advance of the work of Handel. The sixth, however, presents an interesting use of broken octaves and is very difficult. The seventh presents the theme in octaves in the bass, and the eighth is the theme unmistakable, in the form of a mazurka.
Opus 7 is a set of seven variations on a theme in C major. The fourth of these presents some difficulties in wide chords for the left hand. Weber’s fingers were very long and slender and broad stretches were easy for him. The fifth is built up of sweeping figures that mount from the low registers to the high in brilliant effect. This sort of climbing crescendo is to be found again and again in Weber’s work. It is undoubtedly effective, but points to no intensive development of pianoforte technique. The sixth variation presents the theme in form
of a chorale, a presentation which may still delight those who ever, conversely, find something marvellous in the rendering of ‘Nearer, My God, to Thee’ in rag-time. The seventh is a Polacca, very brilliant and full of thirds and arpeggios in contrary motion.
Seven variations on a popular Romanza were published as opus 28. The fifth has some interesting passages of broken sixths which are modern enough in sound, but which can be found in other music of the time. Then there is a Funeral March, in which upper and lower registers of the instrument are contrasted in a series of imaginary orchestral effects. The seventh demands a light, active wrist. It is a series of rapid double notes, sometimes for both hands, in an excellent ‘étude’ manner, of which Weber had already made use in the delightful Caprice, opus 12. In such work we have perhaps the model for most studies in the special technique of the wrist, perhaps also of the fifth number of Schumann’s ‘Symphonic Variations.’
There is, in addition, a set of variations on a Bohemian melody, opus 55, equally ordinary. A set published as opus 40 is perhaps the most pretentious and likewise the most varied. Here we have in the first variation some open, flowing counterpoint in which the theme is pretty well disguised; in the second some effective whirring figures for the left hand; in the third some brilliant broken octaves and double notes. The fourth is in the style of a fugue, pianissimo. The fifth furnishes sharp contrast. The eighth is very brilliant and the last is in Spanish style, which seems to depend upon a lavish use of triplet turns.
What one can hardly fail to observe is the great similarity in all his passage work. Two styles of runs he uses in nearly all his pieces. One is as follows:
The other is what one might call an over-reaching figure, in this manner:
Sometimes, as well as over-reaching the chordal harmony at the top, he anticipates it by a chromatic step at the beginning, thus:
With such and similar figures, with scant variety, page after page of his music is filled. His passage work seldom makes demands upon
more than the simplest harmonies. Long runs are generally clearly founded on the simple scale. In rhythms he shows little subtlety.
This general stock in trade of pianoforte technique has become hopelessly old-fashioned. Thus the once blindingly brilliant Polacca in E major, the grand polonaise, the rondo, and such pieces, now sound almost laughable. In the Polacca one hears the thumping tumtum figures, this time heavy chords monotonously repeated, that we have spoken of in the concerto of Hummel. However, the brief section in B major must give us pause. There the genius Weber speaks, the composer of Der Freischütz, the man who prepared the orchestra for Mendelssohn and Wagner. The long crescendo leading back to the main theme foreshadows Schumann.
In the sonatas there is a great deal of very good music. The quality of the ideas in them is often golden. Moreover, there are many passages of startlingly good writing for the pianoforte. The first, in C major, was published in 1812, as opus 42. The first theme is announced mezza voce, after two preliminary measures of highly dramatic character. The theme itself has something of the quality of a folk-song, a touch of the martial, as well, a theme that at once endears itself to the hearer as the melodies of Der Freischütz endeared themselves to all Germany. But, then, note the overreaching figure which now appears in the transitional section, and later, clamped to a definite harmonic sequence, does for the second theme in G major. One cannot but enjoy it, yet Hummel is not more mediocre. The theme and variations which constitute the slow movement are not conspicuous; but the syncopations in the minuet, the perverse avoidance of the measure accent, cast a shadow forward upon Schumann and Brahms. The effect of the hushed triplets in the trio is orchestral. The famous rondo, in perpetual motion, scarcely calls for comment.
The second sonata, in A-flat major, must become precious to one who troubles, in these days, to study it. The quality of the themes in the first movement is rare and beautiful. The mysterious tremolo which alone accompanies the announcement of the first theme,
points to that imagination in Weber which later developed the orchestra so richly. There is something orchestral about the whole work, not only about this sonata either. But his orchestral treatment of the piano is as different from Beethoven’s as the scoring of his overtures is different from that of Beethoven’s symphonies. There is a sensuous element in the beauty of sounds which is lacking in Beethoven; a quality which stirs the imagination to picture strange lands and countries, dim, mysterious forests, strange moods of moonlight. It is romantic music, it is picture music. The passage work at the end of the first section, which really serves in place of a second theme, is superb. It is in the main nothing but a series of arpeggios, sometimes with anticipatory notes in his conventional and elsewhere often tiresome manner, sometimes over-reaching; but the full chords in the left hand, a sort of rich strumming, gives it all a buoyancy, an essor, which can hardly be paralleled. The return to the first theme at the end of the development is again orchestral. So is the whole treatment of the andante and variations; orchestral in the sense that it suggests instruments of various tone-colors, or rather that it almost brings the colors out of the piano itself. The minuet is wonderfully gay, suggesting Schumann again. The sonata may be taken as a whole as the best of Weber’s works for the piano.
The last two sonatas, published in 1816 and 1822, contain very beautiful passages. The final rondo of the former, in D major, is astonishingly modern. The wide spacing of the figure work which constitutes the main theme, its sharp accents, the broad sweep of its plunges and soarings, the happy waltz swing of the second episode, the irresistible charm with which two melodies are combined, above all, the unflagging vigor of the whole movement, these must give joy to all pianists and all listeners. The minuet of the last sonata must have been well known to Brahms.
The four sonatas are all very long works. They all consist of four movements, all but the last in the conventional order of allegro, andante, minuet, and rondo. In the last the minuet follows the opening allegro. It might well have been called a scherzo. The breadth of plan suggests Beethoven. There have not been lacking
critics who judged the sonatas greater than those of Beethoven. No one today would be likely to make such a misjudgment. They lack the splendid compactness, the logical balance of the sonatas of Beethoven. The treatment of the triplex form is rambling and loose. There is hardly a suggestion of organic unity in the group. But there is splendid music in them, a fine healthy vigor, an infusion of spontaneous, genuine folk-spirit. And what they possess that is almost unique in pianoforte music is a sort of narrative quality, difficult if not impossible to analyze. They suggest romantic tales of chivalry, of love and adventure. To say they are dramatic implies an organic life which they have not. They are perhaps histrionic. They suggest the illusions of the stage. Yet there is withal a free, out-ofdoors spirit in them, something wholly objective and healthy. They are not the outpourings of perfervid emotions. They are not the lyrical outburst of a mood. They are like brilliant tapestries, like ancient chronicles and cycles of romantic legends.
For at least two of his most famous works in another field we have been furnished tales. To be sure, there is not much to be said of the popular ‘Invitation to the Dance.’ The introduction and the end alone are program music; but they put the waltz into a frame which adds much to its charm. Here is a romanticist at work, a teller of stories in music. No composer for the pianoforte has had just his skill. The old narrative stories of Kuhnau, Bach’s lively little Capriccio, Beethoven’s sonata opus 81, afford no prototype. Neither do the little pieces of Couperin. What Weber gives us is something different. It is not a picture, not a representation, it is somehow the thing itself.
As for the waltz, it is too well known to need comment. The technical art of which it makes use is surprisingly small. A few runs, a few skips, a few variations in the steady waltz-accompaniment, these are all. But the work has always been and always will be captivating, from the charming, delicate conversational interchange between the gallant and his selected partner, which forms the introduction, to the same polite dialogue which tells us we have come to the end.
The Konzertstück in F minor is a much bigger work. We quote from Grove’s Dictionary the translation of the story which it tells: ‘The Châtelaine sits all alone on her balcony, gazing far away into the distance. Her knight has gone to the Holy Land. Years have passed by, battles have been fought. Is he still alive—will she see him again? Her excited imagination calls up a vision of her husband lying wounded and forsaken on the battlefield. Can she not fly to him and die by his side? She falls back unconscious. But Hark! what notes are those in the distance? Over there in the forest, something flashes in the sunlight; nearer and nearer, Knights and Squires with the cross of the Crusaders, banners waving, acclamations of the people, and there—it is he! She sinks into his arms. Love is triumphant. Happiness without end. The very woods and waves sing the song of love. A thousand voices proclaim his victory.’
Probably the music which Weber wrote to this story of olden days has had as great a measure of popular admiration and acclaim as any piece that has ever been written for the pianoforte. Much of it is beautiful. The opening measures for the orchestra are equal to any of the pages from Der Freischütz or from Euryanthe; the solo passages for the pianoforte which follow have a fine breadth; the march theme, which, pianissimo, announces the return of the Crusaders is effective, rather in the manner of Meyerbeer, a fellowstudent with Weber at the feet of the Abbé Vogler. On the other hand, much of the display work given to the pianoforte is hopelessly old-fashioned. We have the Weber staples again, the tum-tum bass, the close-rolling arpeggios repeated endlessly, the busy little figure before mentioned, which here, as in the famous Rondo in C, scampers from low to high. The final motives, which represent universal joy, are trivial, banal. Even the glissando octaves have now only the shine of tinsel, and much is sadly tarnished. But on the whole there is a fresh spirit in the work, an enjoyment, frank and manly, in the brilliancy of the pianoforte; an abandonment to the story, that still may carry a listener along.
Weber’s pianoforte works have astonishing individuality in spite of the commonplaceness of the stuff which he often brings in, either to
fill them up or to add brilliancy. There is an effusion in most of them of manly vigor that never becomes weakened into sentimentality, and there is a great deal of romance in the chivalric strain. His harmonies are simple, though often richly scored, and he is a master of the art of suggestion by silence. His melodies have the stamp of the Teutonic folk-song. Though some years of his youth and manhood were spent in Prague and in Vienna, he assimilated practically nothing of the Slavic characteristics which can be found in the music of Haydn and Schubert, even in that of Brahms. He made use of the entire keyboard in relatively huge dynamic effects, and he had, as we have said, an almost unique power to bring forth suggestions of orchestral coloring.
His compositions are not architectural as Beethoven’s are. They suggest great canvases, full of color and movement. Thus the pianoforte sonatas seem to manifest the same quality of imagination which was able to make of the overtures to his operas brilliantly colored fantasies, after which Mendelssohn and Wagner shaped their art. And it is worthy of note that the same stereotyped figure work which plays such a part in his keyboard music is abundantly evident in these overtures. The figures out of which the allegro sections of the overture to Oberon are made are just such figures as one will find in the pianoforte sonatas, variations and concertos.
No subsequent composer down to the present day has procured from the pianoforte the special kind of mysterious, colorful effects which Weber was able to procure therefrom; but both Schumann and Brahms are clearly indebted to him for more general and more technical procedures. In connection with this it may be mentioned that by comparison with Chopin, the perfect, the pianoforte music of both Schumann and Brahms often appears orchestral. And it may be added that Chopin was not especially familiar with Weber’s work.
