ChapterOne Samantha
THELATE-NIGHTCALLFINALLYcame, the one no daughter ever wants to receive: Daddyis gone. After a longbattle withcancer,hesurrenderedtohisillness.Myfatherclosedhiseyesforthelasttime.
Loss changes us ona fundamental level;Ilearned this whenMompassed awayyears ago. Now, years later, Ifeel this loss deepwithin,reshapingmycore,andshatteringmeintocountlesspieces.Howmanymoretimescaneverythingbreakmebefore therearenomorepiecestogluebacktogether?
Childhoodresiliencemendedmebefore,butthistime,resentmentmaykeepmebroken.Resentmentfortheeventsthatledme here,tookmefrommyhomeanddroppedmeintoalivingnightmare.Anightmarethathasbeengoingonforalmostsixyears. Sittinginsilence,IgrapplewiththerealitythatI’llnevertalktomydadagain,hearhisdeepvoice,seehissparklingblueeyes, orfeelhiscomfortingembrace.Worse,he’llneverholdhisgrandchild.Heonlygottospeaktoheroccasionally.Henevergot toseehersunnyfaceorhergreeneyes Iwastooafraidtovideocall;tooafraidhe’dseethetruthinherlittleface
Ifeellikeafailure,failingthemanwhowasalwaysthereforme,raisingmealoneformostofmylifeandprovidingeverything Ineeded,exceptmyfreedom ThelastwordsIspoketohimwereinanger Theargumentseemssopointlessnow
HethoughtIdidn’twanthimtobeapartofmylife-ofmydaughter’slife.Icouldn’ttellhimthetruth.Hecouldn’tknow the fearthatkeptmechainedhereinmyhell Icouldn’tbeartoseethedisappointmentonhisfacewhenhelearnedthethingsI’d donetosurvivethislife.It’sbadenoughthosethingskeepmeawakemostnights.
Iwishhehadheldontighter,chasedmehome,changedthecourseofmylife Thestrengthandresolveheinstilledinmeasa child has since turned into fear. Ilive inconstantfear ofwhatwill happenshould Itryto leave again. Whatwill happento Dakota?She’stheonlylightleftinmylife
Iwas youngandnaïve whenIfledthe onlyhome I’dknown,unable toface the disappointmentofthe manwhoraisedme.I couldnotlookintotheeyesofthemanwhoirrevocablybrokemyheart Sixyearsawayhasn’thealedthehurtsdeepinsideme The time awayhas onlycreated more scars and more pain. I’mbrokenand no matter how manytimes I tryto pickup the pieces,jaggededgesremain.
“TheywanttohavethefuneralonSaturday,”Ellensaysoverthephone.“Canyoumakeithomeintime,sweetgirl?”
“I’llcatchthenextflightout,”Ireply,holdingbacktears
“Shanewillhandleeverything.”
“No,I’lltakecareofitonceI’mhome,”Iinsist
ShaneWalker.Onceuponatime,hewaswhatIthoughtofwhenIwokeinthemorningandwhatIdreamedofatnight.Allthat changedsixyearsagowhenhebetrayedmeintheworstpossibleway Hischoicesledtoourdestruction
SomethingsIcouldhavedonedifferentlyinthelastsixyears.Imadechoicesaswell.Unfortunately,they’veledmehere.AllI candoiswhatIfeelisbestgoingforward I’mtryingtolearnfrommymistakesanddobetterinthefuture
MymindrunsrampantwithmemoriesofShane’ssmileandhiseyes.IclosemyeyesandIcanseetheranch,thehorsesand cows, the watermelonthatgrows inthe summer, and the cornthatwe would harvestinthe fall Icanhear the laughter that alwaysseemedtofillthehousewhenwewerealltogether.
Ideastakeshapeinmymind Plansforthefuture OneawayfromSavannahandeverydarkmemorythathasplaguedmeforso long.Thescars,especiallythephysicalones,willalwaysremain,butmaybegoinghomeagainwithmybabygirlwillhelpme moveforwardandheal CanIhealfromwhatledmehere,though?
“I’llseeyoutomorrow,”Iwhisper,andIletthephoneslipfrommyhand.
Ahandgrabsmefrombehind,makingmeflinch Iknowbetterthantoshowanyfearashegetsoffonthatsortofthing When hislipskissbehindmyear,IknowI’vefuckedup.“Yourfearissosweet,Samantha.”Hewhispersinmyear.Hisvoicemakes myskincrawl “Italwaysmakesmesohard”
Nickreachesaroundandgrabsmearoundthethroat,bendingmyheadbacksoIhavetolookathim.“Pleasedon’t.Ineedto bookaflight”Itellhim,pullingawayfromhistouch
“DoYouthinkyou’releavingme?”Nickhissesinanger.“Youknowbetter.You’remine.”
“Myfatherdied Ineedtogohome It’sonlyforafewdays”Iwhimper Lossandfeararebothwarringwithinme “Youarehome,”Nickargues,lickingatthetearsfallingdownmyface.
“That’snotwhatImeant.They’reburyingmydadonSaturday,Nick.Ineedtobethere.”
Hegrabsmearoundthethroat,thistimesqueezing,takingawaymyabilitytobreathe.Istrugglebutit’snousesincehethrows mebackwardonthebedandlaysaboveme,pressinghisweightintometoholdmestill.HehasnoworriesthatI’llputupa fight.Ilearnedhowignorantthatwouldbelongago.Thescaronmychestburnsasifinreminder.
“Whenwilltheyreadthewill?”Heasks.
“I’mnotsure.”Igaspoutwhenheletsupjustenoughformetoanswer.“MondayorTuesday,I’dassume.”
“Hmm.You’llgoburyyourfather,staylongenoughtogetwhat’syours,andthencomebacktome.Iwanttoknoweverything heleftbehind.”
“But…”Itrytospeakagainsthim,buthesqueezesmythroatagain.
“Noarguments Nowyouowemethanksforlettingyouleaveme,evenifitisonlyafewdays”Hewhispersseductively That voiceistheonethatdrewmeinthebeginning.Nowit’sthevoiceImayloathethemost.Itusuallymeanstheoppositeofhowit sounds.
“Ishouldprobablypackabag,”Iwhisperback.
it’stoolatetoblock.ThepainisimmediateandI’mcertainmycheekisnowfractured.Myvisionblursforamomentbefore comingbackintofocus.Myfirstreactionistoreachupandtouchwherehisfistlanded.
Idon’thavetimeashegrabsmeagain,wrenchingmyarmsabovemyheadandholdingthemthereashepushesthesweatpants downhishipsenoughtoreleasehimself.Thereisnobarrierbetweenus-I’mnotallowedtowearanysortofclothingtobedsohe’sabletothruststraightintomycenter Ibitemyliptokeepmyselfsilent
Thepainofhisassaultwithoutpreparationisstaggering.It’sonethingmybodywillneverbeusedto.Irefusetomakeasound, though Ican’triskDakotahearing
IfDakotacomesinhere,NickwilljustgetpissedandIdon’tknowifI’llsurvivehiswrath.Ihavetosurviveandthinkofmy daughter Idon’tknowexactlywhathewoulddowithhershouldIevernotsurvivethebeatings
He’duseherforhissickpleasure,I’msure.I’mtheonlythingstoppinghimnow.SoIlayhereandtakeeveryounceofabuse, mybodymarkedupandbruisedwithbitemarksandfingerprintsbythetimehe’sdone
Carryingthese marks is nothingnew to me. The one thingNicknever fights me onis the makeup and concealer I use. It’s expensive,butitcoversthebruisessonooneelsecanseethedamageheleavesbehind “You’llcarrymybrandonyouwhileyou’regonesothateveryoneknowsyouareowned.”Hegruntsashecomes.“Anddon’t forasecondthinkaboutrunningaway Ifyoudo,IwillfindyouandI’llmakeyouregreteverbeingborn” “Iunderstand.DakotaandIwillonlybegoneforafewdays.”
“Ohno,littlebird.Dakotastays.”
Feartakesholdofmyheart Ofcourse,hewantstokeepherhere It’stheonewayhecanguaranteemyreturn Iknowwhathe’s capableof,though,andIfearwhathe’lldotoherinmyabsence.
I’llhavetosneakusbothout Inevertoldhimmuchaboutmypast,aboutwhereIcamefrom Hehasnocluewheretheranch is,soIhopewe’llbesafethere.
Ibreatheeasierwhenherollsoffofmeandimmediatelybeginssnoring WhenI’msurehe’ssoundasleep,Icarefullyslipout ofbed,putonsomeclothes,andpack.OnceIhavemybagpacked,IquietlypackoneforDakotatoo.Ionlypackessentials, hopingnottotipNickoffaboutmyplantotakemydaughterwithme.
Icontemplatewaitinguntilthemorningtoleaveandcatchaflightout,butIquietlycarryDakotatomycar.Nickcantrackthe flight,andIdon’twanttotakethatchance.Itwillbebettertodrive.
The drive to Rush Springs will be tiring, but I must leave this place before Nick wakes up and decides we aren’t going anywhere.Ican’ttaketherisk.Ihurrywithourthings.
IgetDakotacomfortablynestledinhercarseatandtellhertogobacktosleep.Ikissherontheheadandloadthebagsinthe car,prayingthatNickdoesn’twake.Wemakeastopaboutfiftymilesoutforgasandfood.
Theladyattheregisterlooksatmewithsympathy,andthenIrememberthebruisingthat'sstartedtoshowonmycheek.There wassomuchreliefinmyleavingthatIforgotaboutthepain.Ihurryouttoastill-sleepingDakotaandtakeoff.Myshoulders refusetorelaxuntilIseetheWelcometoOklahomasign
ItwillpissNickoffwhenhewakesuptofindusgone.MyonlyhopeisthatDakotaandIaren'tworthNicksearchingfor.Ifhe does,beingontheranchmayofferprotectionlackinginSavannah Nottakingaflightmayverywellsavemylife
Ineverplantogobacktohim.OnceIhaveDakotasafelystowedawaywiththepeopleIclaimasfamily,itwon’tmatter.I’ll diebeforeIgoback
Wearriveintheearlyafternoon.Dakota,whohadbeenquietformostofthedrive,finallyspeaks.“Moo,mama!”Shesqueals whensheseestheherdlazingintheknee-highgrass
Ilaughlightlyatherasshemoosatall thecowsshesees.Iturnrightonthedirtroadanddriveunderthesignthatholdsthe
ranchlogo.WhenIseetheCRacrossthefrontofthesign,Ifinallytakemyfirstfullbreath.
TheroadwindsaroundandIcanseethemenwranglingsomecattleinthefields Theyseemsubduedbutcontinuedoingthejob theyareproudof.Icanimaginethey’reall feelingdeepgriefover theloss ofmydad.Healways treatedhis cowhands like family.
Somemorethanothers.
Makingituptothebighouse,asit’scalled,Icanseeit’schangedsignificantlyinthesixyearssinceIleft Mostnotableisthe entire wingadded to the western-facingpartofthe house. The lake Igrew up swimminginis still the same though, withits smalldockandtheropehangingfromtheoldoaktreethatI’dswingfromintothewater.
Dakotawillloveit.
Ipullupthedrivewayandparktothesideofthefrontdoor TurningtolookatDakotaItellher,“Youstayhereforaminuteand I’llberightback,ok?”
“Wherearewe,mama?”Sheasksinresponse
Ignoringher question, Iopenthe car door and step outjustas the frontdoor opens and Manuel steps outonto the patio. I’d know himanywhere,evenifhehas agedover theyears Istroll towardthemanwhomIhaveconsideredanunclemyentire life.Hemeetsmehalfway,armswideopenandasadsmileonhisface.Irushintohisarmsandhequicklyenfoldsthemaround me.
“Hey, babygirl. It’s good to see you.” He says, his voice cracking. He pulls backand looks at me. His eyes narrow with suspicionwhenheseesthebruiseonmycheek.“Whathappened?”Heaskswithatiltofhisheadtowardmycheek. ImovemyhandtomycheeklikeIcanhidethebruisefromhim.“It’snothing.Iwalkedintoadoor.”Ilie,butlikehehasasixth sense,hecanseerightthroughit.IswearI’veneverbeenabletogetoneoveronhim.
Itakehimin,noticingtheextragrayhairandtheweatheredskinhegainedfromworkinginthesun.Acowboyhatonlyprotects somuchandthesemendon’tbelieveinsunscreen.ThelaughlinesaroundhismoutharemoreprominentthanIremember.Yet, he’sstillthesameManuel Iremembergivingmepiggybackridesandteachingmehowtosaddleahorse
IcanjustimaginehimandDadsittingaroundwithawhiskeyintheirhandastheyshoottheshitandlaughatalltheanticsthat goonaroundtheplace Thatthoughtmakesmesad HowmuchdidImisswhileIwasgone?
Manuellooksovermyshoulderatthelittleblondegirlsittinginthebackseat.“Isthather?” “Itis,”Itellhim.
“Comeinthen,girl”
Inod.“Onlyforabit.Ithoughtwe’dgetahotelintownorsomething.”Irespond.
“You’restillrunning”Heaccuses “I’mmakingthiseasierforeveryone.”
“Thisisstillyourhome,Samantha.Italwayswillbe.Youdon’thavetohide.”
“Maybe,”Ireply.“Butit’sShane’shometoo,andI’msurehedoesn’twantmehere.”
IturnbacktowardthecartogetDakota.BeforeIcangettoofar,Manuelgrabsmywrist.IdoeverythingIcannottoflinchat thetouch.“He’snotthesameboyyouremember.”Manueldefends.
“I’mnotthesamegirleither,”Ianswer,leavinghimtofollowornot.
Manuelisoneofthefewwhoknowmysecret
andIdidour besttokeepour relationshiphiddenfromeveryone.There wasn’tmuchchoice since Iwas underage whenwe firststarteddating.
IunbuckleDakotaandhelpherstepoutofthecar.Shestandsthereshyly,halfhidingbehindmylegasshetakesManuelin.He crouchesdownuntilhe’satherlevelandtiltshishatbacksoshecanseehiseyesbeforespeaking.
“Hellothere,littlelady.What’syourname?”Manuelenquires.
“Dakota”mylittlegirlsaysshyly
“Well,it’sapleasuretomeetyou,MissDakota.I’mManuel.”Hesays,holdinghishandoutforhertoshake.
Shedoesn’ttakeit,instead,shestepsforwardandwrapsherarmsaroundhisneck Surpriseflitsacrosshisfeaturesforonlya secondbeforeheengulfsherinhisenormousarms,amassivesmileonhisface.Whenshecontinuestoholdontohim,hejust liftsherupandcarrieshertowardthehouse
Ashe’swalkingaway,helooksbackoverhisshoulder.“Yoursecretisalwayssafewithme.”Hepromises.“Butdon’tforget thatallsecrets,nomatterhowdeeplyburied,alwaysfindtheirwaybacktothelight”
TearsprickmyeyesasIwatchthemgoaheadofme.DakotahasneverbeensoopenwithanyoneandI’mfilledwithguiltfor thefearshehaslivedthroughinherbrieflife OncetheyreachthedoorandManuelopensit,Isnapoutofmypityparty “IguessI’llgetthebags,”IsaytomyselfasIgetbusygrabbingourthingsandheadinginside.
IttakesafewminutestomaneuverthroughtheentrywaywithourthingsandwhenIfinallymakeit;IfindDakotatalkingamile aminutetobothManuelandEllen,acookieinherhand.
Seeingher likethis takes mebackintimetowhenIwas alittlegirl andEllenwouldsneakmeacookiebeforedinner Dad wouldgetsomadbecausehethoughtitwouldruinmysupper,butitneverdid.Ilikedfood,andIwasn’tpicky.
WhenEllenseesmecomingthrough,shebulrushesmeintoahug,herlargebodywrappingaroundmysmall one “How I’ve missedyou,sweetgirl.”Shecries.
“I’vemissedyoutoo,”Isay,myvoicecracking
She holds me like she never wants toletme go,andagainI’mswarmedwithguilt.Ican’timagine the bear mydadbecame whenherealizedIwasgone OrhowmuchworsehegotwhenIrefusedtoreturn “Noneofthat.Youdidwhatyouthoughtyouhadto.”Shewhispersinmyear. Whenshepullsback,she,likeManuel,noticesthebruiseimmediately.“I’msureyoudon’twantmetoask.”Shestatesasshe lookspointedlyatthebruise.
Sheimmediatelywalksovertothefreezerandgrabsabagoffrozenpeas,handingthemtometoplaceonmyface.
“Youshouldhaveletusknowwhenyourplanewasarriving.Oneofuswouldhavepickedyouup.” “Wedrove,”Itellher.
“Allthatway?”Sheasks “Youmusthaveleft ”
“Notlongafteryoucalled.”Iinterrupt.Ellenlooksatmeinsurprise.
“Darlin’,youmustbeexhausted Whydon’tyougotakeanapandI’ll takethis littleladytothepaddocktoseethehorses” Manueloffers.
FearovertakesmeatthethoughtofDakotabeingawayfromme IknowI’mbeingparanoid Nickisn’thereandDakotaissafe withManuel,butafterthepastsixyears,it’stoughtoletheroutofmysight.
IcanseethecogsturninginManuel’sheadashewatchesmeclosely.IfeelasthoughImayvomit.Justashealwaysdoes,he putstwoandtwotogether.
“She’llbefine.I’llprotectherwithmylife,Samantha.YouknowIwill.”Heassuresmequietly.“Iwon’tletanyonenearher.” “Mama,please,”Dakotabegs “Iwannaseethehorsies”
IlookatManuelonemoretime.Henodshishead,lettingmeknowagainthatmybabyissafewithhim. Icrouchdowntolookatmydaughter “Ok,baby ButyoulistentoManuelanddon’tleavehisside,Okay?”
Manuelhugsmeagainwhilewhisperinginmyear,“We’regoingtohaveaseriousconversationlater,babygirl.” Idon’trespond.There’snoneed.IfManuelwantsaconversation,he’llgetone.Iwon’tbeabletodenyhim.
I head toward myold room, onlyto be stopped byEllen. She points to the newer wingof the house. “Your daddyalways hoped.”Sheexplainswithoutfinishingherstatement.
Shedoesn’thaveto.DaddyalwayshopedI’dcomeback,andthatI’dbringhisgranddaughterwithme.Ofcoursehedid.Itwas alwaysatopicofcontentionbetweenus.We’dtalkcivillyuntilIsaidnotocominghome.
Andthentheyellingwouldstart.OnceIwastiredofthat,I’dhangupwithoutsayinggoodbye.Thatwentonmuchtoooften, withbothofusbeingtoostubborntogiveintotheother.
Ajoltofguilthitsmesquareintheheart.I’llneverbeabletotellhimgoodbye.Ishouldhavecomehomesooner.
Itshouldn’thavetakenDaddydyingtobringmebackhere;Tofinallyputour familybacktogether.Gah,theguilt.WhileI’m ecstatictobeawayfromNickandthatlife,I’mterrifiedthatI’llneversurviveallthisguiltgnawingatmyinsides.
Itakeinthesurroundingextension.Insteadofwalkingintothebedroom,Igrabathrowoffthechairandlaydownonthesofa. I’llseeeverythinglater.MyminddriftsforawhilebeforememoriesI’dmuchratherforgetswarmmymind.
AsIlaytherewrappedinthethrow,myheadonadecorativepillow,Istumblethroughwhereitallwentwrong.Icontemplate whatIcouldhavedonetomakethingsbetterbetweenShaneandme.Iconcludethatthereisn’tmuchIcouldhavedonetomake therelationshipworkaftereverything,butIcouldhavestayed.
Icouldhavefaceditallhead-on.Atleastthen,Iwouldn’thavelivedthelastsixyearsasIhave.Lovewouldhavesurrounded Dakota.Shewouldhavehadherfather.Ifallasleeptopicturesofthemtogetherasshegrows.Shanewouldhavebeenamazing withher.Willheevenwanttobeapartofherlifenow?
WhenIfinallyfallasleep,it’sthememoriesthathauntmydreams.
I’ll never forget the first time I saw Shane I was only seven years old, and he was almost fourteen Mom had passed away a little over a year earlier and Dad had taken it upon himself to do more in the community, especially with troubled kids He helped spearhead a program that allowed teenagers within the foster care system to work and make a wage they could save for when the time came that they aged out
I don’t know what was different about the three boys who would eventually move in with us, but Daddy saw some sort of potential in them He didn’t see it in any of the other kids he worked with He once told me that one day, they’d help me run the ranch when he was gone.
I had seen the boys running around with Manuel for a few months before Dad announced they were moving in I didn’t know where they were supposed to stay since our house wasn’t massive. Would they all share the guest room?
That’s exactly what they did for a time While they were living in the big house with us, I became friends with Matt He was nice to me and wouldn’t let the others pick on me, even if I was younger and smaller.
Oli was quiet and he never, ever smiled Shane was the opposite of Oli He was too loud He was always fighting with other kids and always cursing at Dad. When it got bad, Shane would slam out of the house and go to the barn.
About a year after the boys were there, sirens and flashing lights coming in through my window woke me up. The barn was on fire
It took what seemed like hours to put the fire out. Dad stormed into the house, Shane on his heels. I saw the ash on his face and clothes and the burns on his hands
Dad led him to the kitchen where he put ointment on them and wrapped them. Dad not once raised his voice as he tore into Shane about how stupid it was to be smoking in the barn He seemed more disturbed about what Shane was smoking instead that he was smoking at all
“Mr Davis, I am sorry ” Shane apologized in the most quiet voice I’d ever heard from him
Dad sighed as if he was carrying the world on his shoulders. “I won’t say it’s ok. You screwed up, son, and I am seriously disappointed in you ”
“I know I fucked up bad,” Shane responded.
“Watch your language Little ears ” Dad says as he tilts his head toward where I’m standing
I’ve heard the word before when a few steers got loose and Manuel had to chase them down. I’ve never said it, though. Mama always said young ladies didn’t let those types of words pass their lips
Thinking about my mom makes me angry. Shane burnt down the barn that Mama loved so much. It’s where the horses live. Mama loved to ride, and she started teaching me a couple of years ago Tears form in my eyes
“How could you, Shane Walker? You’re a meanie and I hate you!” I screamed at him. I don’t think I’ve ever screamed at anyone before, but I’m so mad Where will Mama’s horses live now?
“That’s enough, young lady. Get back to bed,” Dad orders.
I huff in frustration but do as I’m told Not really, though I just go around the corner where I know they won’t see me, so I sit against the wall. I want to hear what Dad says. Will he make Shane leave?
“I got you out of that home where you were being mistreated and I’ve tried to give you and the other two boys a home, a family. I don’t know why you keep fighting against me, ” Dad says quietly.
“Please don’t send us back I’d rather die than go back to that place ” Shane pleads
Dad never told me about where the boys came from. I remember seeing bruises on them all when they came here, but I just thought they played too rough like I’ve seen boys do
Dad continues speaking, but I tune out. That is until I hear him say, “You’re going to work to rebuild the barn. The others can help you, but this is on you You will not get paid while you ’ re working on it Manuel will come up with the plans for the build. You will follow his direction without an attitude. If you don’t, I’ll have no choice but to send you packing back to the group home Do we have an understanding?”
“Yes sir. I promise I won’t give Manuel a hard time. I’ll do better.” Shane promised.
I didn’t realize their conversation was over until Shane walked around the same corner where I was sitting He looks down at me. He seems sad. I probably shouldn’t have told him I hate him.
I don’t hate him Not really I just don’t know what to think about him and the way he acts, and I’ve never met anyone like him before.
“I’m sorry Sammy I truly am, ” He apologizes
He holds out his hand to help me off the floor. I stare at it for a minute before I finally put my hand in his. He lifts me off the floor and leads me to my room, leaving me at my door as he goes further down the hall to his own
ChapterTwo Shane
SHE’SHOME.THETHOUGHTofseeinghersendslavaburningthroughmyveins.Sixyearsandnotaphonecall,aletter, orevenagotoHell,butnowthattheoldmanisgone,shecomescrawlingback.
What’shermotive?Shedidn’tgiveafuckthatherdaddywassick.Shedidn’tcarewhenhebeggedhertocomehome.
Ioverheardhimbeggingher onetime.Shekeptdeclining,evenwhenhetoldher tobringsomeonenamedDakotawithher.I figuredshemovedon,buthearingitasWaynetalkedtohersentmespiraling.
So bad thatIwas drunkfor three days straightand missed a sale and vaccinationeventfor the herd. WhenIfinallygotmy hungoverassup,itwastoolatetohelpwithanything.
Wayne was livid,andhe wasn’tafraidtoletme know.He toldme ifithappenedagain,mypositionwithinthe ranks would disappear.Ihaveworkedmyassoffforthepastsixyearstobecometheranchforeman.Idecidedrightthenthatitwastimeto letSamanthago,andmakehernothingmorethanaterriblememory.
Sheisn’tworthmelosingeverythingIworkedfor.So,IvowedtokeepmydistancefromanythingSamantha.I’vedonewell,I think.
Whensomethingremindsmeofher,Ilettheangerandresentmentswallowthethoughtsandcenterme.Insteadoflosingmyself inalcohol,Ilosemyselfinwomen,neverthesameonemorethanonce.OtherthanAutumn,however,sheknowsthescore.
Idon’thaveanyexpectationsandneitherdoesshe.Webothdoourownthingandwhenthelonelinessgetstobetoomuch,we shareafew hoursbetweenthesheetsandgoonwithourlives.Sixyearswe’vebeenusingeachothertofilltheholesinour souls.
She’sneverpushedformore,contenttotakewhatshecanget.Andtruthfully,there’snotmuchtogive.Igavemyalltoonegirl, andthere’snothingleftbutanemptiness-avoidwheremyheartusedtobe.
Sometimes,IwonderifI’mevenliving.WheremyheartusedtobeatintimewithSamantha’s,itbarelyregistersinmychest now.Itdoesn’tspeedupatthesightofabeautifulwoman,orthebirthofanewfoal.
IknowIhavetogohomeatsomepoint,butpartofmewantstodoexactlywhatSamanthadidsixyearsagoandrun.IfIsplit out, Iwonder ifIcould startfreshsomewhere else, or will the painoflosingSamantha follow me wherever Igo? Ihuffa breathbeforeknockingbackthelastdrinkofthebeerI’vebeennursingforthelastfewhours
Ahandtippedwithredfingernailsrunsdownmyarm.IturnonmystooltofindAutumnsmilingatme.“Hey,lover.”Shesays, sexily
Itakeher in.She’swearingashortreddressthatmatchesher nails.Thefabricclingstoher curves,her longlegsseemingly endless beneath the dress She wears a pair of stiletto shoes that defy gravity Her makeup is dark and sultry, making me wonderforjustasecondwhathasherdressedupinthemiddleoftheday.
Her eyes are glassyand, as she leans in, Icansmell the whiskeyonher breath She’s alreadydrunk, and it’s notevenone o’clock. This is one reason it’s so easy to walk away after we have our fun. When I decided not to drink to the point of forgettingwhereIwas,IalsodecidedIwouldn’tgivemuchtimetosomeonewhodidn’tdothesame
“Hey,beautiful,”Irespondautomatically.
I’vealwayscalledherbeautiful,foraslongaswe’veknowneachother Atonetime,itwastrue Nowthetwenty-six-year-old womanlooksmorelikeshe’sforty.Theyearshavenotbeenthekindesttoher.
Betweenherroughhomelifeandthedrugssheusedtotake,it’seasytoseethewearandtearonherbody Perhapsthat’swhy shewearssomuchmakeup,tocoverthesignsofherpast.Regardlessofallthat,Autumnhasalwaysbeenasweetgirl.
Autumn was with me the day my life changed She was there when Samantha disappeared She’s been a good friend who helped me pickup some pieces of mylife and helped me realize that not competinginthe wild ringwasn’t the end of the world
I’ve beenthere for her inreturn. I helped her get into rehab so that she could get off the drugs that were causingso much damage Whensheneededoutofherchildhoodhome,Iwastheretohelpherfindaplace Mybestfriends,MattandOli,don’tlikeheratall,butIthinkthathasmoretodowiththeirloyaltytoSamanthathananything else I’veneveraskedthemwhattheyhaveagainsther It’snotanyofmybusiness
Theydon’tkeepmefromfuckingher.Theyjustwarnedmeaboutgettingattached.As ifIwould.Theyshouldknow better.I lovemyboys,buttheyneedtolookattheirownlivesbeforegettinginvolvedinmine “Areyouupforsomefun?”Autumnasks,pullingmefrommymusings.
Isigh,“Ican’t Ireallyshouldbehome WithWaynepassing,I’mneededthere” Autumn’seyesnarrowbeforeshesetsherfaceintoacalmmaskagain.“Iunderstand.YouknowI’mhereifyouneedsomeone totalktoortakeyourmindoffofthings”
Herhandlowerstowardmycrotch.Igrabitbeforeitcanreachitsdestination.“I’mgood.Really.I’mjustgoingtoheadhome. Theboysaren’ttakingWayne’slosssowell Ishouldbewiththem”
Istand,causingAutumntostumblebackalittle.Ireachoutandclaspherarmtokeephersteady.WhenIleandown,shetilts herheadback,expectingakiss Insteadoffusingourlipstogether,Ikissherontheforehead Isaymygoodbyes,makingsure shehasaridehomebeforeIstepoutintothemiddaysunandheadtomytruck.
Irestmyheadonmyhandsthatarewrappedaroundthesteeringwheel ItrybutfailatpreparingmyselfforthereunionIknow isinevitable,andmeetingthemanthatreplacedme.
I’mnotreadyforthis Idon’tknowthatIeverwillbe It’snotjustsayinggoodbyetothemanthatgavemeachanceatabetter life.That’shellallonitsown.It’sknowingthatI’mabouttowatchmyworldkeeponmovingwithoutme.
Does the manshe’s withfuckher better thanIdid? Does he treather better, provide things Icouldn’t? So manydoubts run throughmymind.
MostlyI doubt myself. The self-loathingwill eat me alive if I let it. I refuse to be that person- piningover a womanwho decidedlongagoIwasn’tgoodenoughforher.
ImaynothavebeenenoughforSamantha,butI’vebeenmorethanenoughforthewomenwhohavecomeafterher.Imaynot have beenable to ride onthe circuitanymore, butIcould keep the ranchrunningalongside Wayne. More thanthat, Icould updatethetechnologyweusedtotrackthelivestock
Imainstreamed sales and worked fromthe time the suncame up, tookclasses after the sunwentdownto be everythingthe ranchneeded,andmore IworkedtomakeWayneproud AndifI’mhonestwithmyself,Imayhaveevenworkedtobetheman Samanthadeserved.
Ifinallyturnedthekeyintheignition Whenthetruckroarstolife,Iputitingearandpulloutofthegravelparkinglot,kicking uprocksanddirtasIgo.AllIseeisacloudofdustbehindme.
The drive home doesn’ttake me long,andwhenIarrive there’s anunfamiliar car sittinginthe drive It’s a late-model Ford BroncoandIwhistleasItakeitin.It’sabeautifulpieceofmachinery.Apparently,Samanthahasdonewellforherself.Oris sheusinghernewmanforhismoney?
Agirlthatlookedlikeshedidcouldhaveeasilylandedarich,olderman.IsitbadthatIkindofhopeshegotuglieroverthe lastsixyears?Maybegrewamoleonherchinorgainedafewhundredpounds?Ishakemyhead Thatsoundedsopetty Ineedtobeabiggerperson.Hopefully,shewon’tbeherelong.ThefuneralisonSaturday.Ifsheplanstostayforthewillto beread,thatshouldtakeplaceonMondayorTuesday I’msuresheplanstostayandgetwhatevershecan
So,unlessWaynelefthertheranch,whichIdon’tthinkhedid-shewantednothingtodowithit-she’llbegonewithinafew days Ifheleftitsolelytoher,thatcouldbemoreproblematic I’massumingshe’llwanttosellandI’mpreparedforthat.IhavebeensavingmysalaryfromtheranchsinceIwasfourteen. AndthesalaryImakefromtrainingridersforthelastfouryears
Theplanistoofferheralargesumofcashandtenpercentoftheprofitsfromthecattleforthenexttenyears.Hopefully,she’ll biteandtakemyoffershoulditcometothat Inthemeantime,I’llhavetomakemyselfscarce There’snowayIcanbearound herandkeepmytemperincheck.
Theproblemis thatI’vealreadybeentoldthatI’mexpectedfor dinner tonight Ican’tdeclinetheorder Ellenis theclosest thingtoamomI’vehadmostofmylife.ShehasfedmeandcaredformesinceImovedontothepropertywhenIwasfourteen andatroubledkid Shehelpedteachmehowtotreatawoman Sadly,thoseteachingsdidn’thelpwiththeonewomanIwanted themto.
Resigningmyselfto dinner, Iclimb outofthe cab ofthe truckand head to the barn-turned-house I’ve lived insince Iturned eighteen.IneedtoshoweranddressbeforeIfaceSamanthaandmypast.
Howdoyouprepareyourselfforareunionwiththepast?Especiallyonethatdeepdown,you'venevergottenover Whatifit's apastyou'dgiveanythingtogobackto?
Standingunderthesprayofwater,Iletitwashawayeverything,includingmythoughtsofthereunionI’mfacinginafewbrief minutes.Istandunderthewateruntilitturnscold.Thechillseepsintomybones,causingmylegtoache.
ThatachethatrunsfrommyhiptomykneesendsmespiralingintoamemoryI’drathernotrevisit
I’m up next. They moved the bull into the chute, awaiting me. I can see my future spread out ahead of me. After today, everything will change
All I have to do is hold on and make it to that eight-second mark, past it if I can. Once I do, the professional circuit is waiting for me The only thing that could make it better is if Samantha were here I’d give anything for her to be in the crowd watching.
I understand her absence, though She’s doing something important as well It sucks that her interview with Oklahoma
State fell on the same day as this ride.
Of course, Wayne wouldn’t let her go off on her own, so she took Matt and Oli with her As I scan the crowd, I see Autumn and Brianna sitting in the front row, looking excited.
Manuel motions for me I climb up onto the bull, wrap my hand in the riggin’, and give what’s called a cowboy nod to the judges. The chute opens and the bull, as expected, rushes into the middle of the ring.
It doesn’t take long for me to realize that something is seriously wrong As the flank strap digs into the stomach of the bull, he bucks.
I try to get my hand up in the air or I won’t get scored My feet slip from the stirrups and I fly into the air My body goes forward and I rip myself backward to prevent getting hung up on his horns.
When I hit the flank of the bull I pull, trying and failing to get free from the ropes, but my foot gets caught in something The flank strap has come loose and wrapped around my ankle. The bull continues to buck and run, no happier to have me hanging off his brawny body than I am
I feel something on my shoulder give and my hand comes free. My body is now dangling and dragging on the ground. I can’t move my right arm, but I work hard to bend forward, reaching with my left hand toward where my ankle is stuck With one more buck, I’m slammed to the ground, and the bull comes down on my free leg
Even with the noise from the crowd and the pickup men trying to distract the bull, I hear the bone in my leg snap The pain is excruciating and I black out
I’m not sure for how long, but when my eyes reopen, I’m being loaded onto a stretcher and rushed into the back of an ambulance Ahand grasps mine I can barely make out Autumn as my vision blurs from the pain still taking over my body
“Pushing morphine ” I hear the EMT say before everything goes black
When I wake next, I’m in an unfamiliar room, a steady beep letting me know that I’m in the hospital. I don’t know how much time has passed My leg feels heavy and my right arm is in a sling
Wayne and Manuel sit in chairs against the far wall. Autumn sits in a chair directly beside the bed. Manuel narrows his eyes on her but doesn’t say a word I’m not sure what the look means
When the men realize I’m awake, they both stand. Wayne steps over to the bed. He looks down at me, laying his hand on my knee
“How are you feeling?” He asks.
“Like I got hit by a big truck,” I respond
“Might as well have, son, ” Wayne tells me. “Do you remember what happened?”
I do, so I nod “I do Was it as bad as it felt?”
“I think we should wait for the doctor. I’ll go grab him.” Manuel says from where he stands. I watch him walk out into the hall
I want to ask about Samantha. Does she know what’s happened? Is she ok? I can’t ask though. Wayne doesn’t know about me and his daughter I surmise he wouldn’t be too keen on the idea of us dating, so I keep my mouth shut
Manuel returns a few minutes later with the doctor. After listening to his explanation of what happened and the damage that was done, I’m told that I’ll be in the hospital for a couple of days before I’m sent home I’ll be in a cast for the next six weeks and in intensive physical therapy for months after.
I’ll be lucky to walk again, but my career in the wild ring is over and I’ll never ride a bull again I now have pins and screws holding my leg together in four places, from my hip to my knee. What will I do now?
I only dislocated my shoulder, so they could pop it back into place. The doctor recommends I do therapy for it as well. He doesn’t want the muscles to atrophy after being in a sling for several weeks
Not long after the doctor visits, Wayne and Manuel leave. They wanted to give me time on my own to let it all sink in. Autumn, however, stays
She refuses to leave me alone. While it’s frustrating at first, I’m thankful for the company. Autumn lets me vent my heartache She doesn’t offer platitudes or advice It’s a little refreshing
I keep thinking about Samantha. I want nothing more than to call her and make her come home because I need her by my side Asmall voice in my head reminds me that without a career in the rodeo, I have nothing to offer the girl that I love
I can’t give her the life I promised. The hope I felt only this morning dwindles quickly. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Samantha will start school in the fall and I’ll be in the middle of therapy sessions I can’t work until I’m healed, even on the ranch. I could dip into my savings, but that will only last for so long and I don’t have any other skills except those Wayne and Manuel taught me over the years
Part of me believes I should end things with Samantha. I could let her move on with her life without me. She still has a bright future ahead of her
The other part knows I never will. I can’t live without her. She’s the reason I wake up in the mornings. She’s the light of my life My everything Without her, I’m nothing
Aknockonthebathroomdoorbringsmebacktothepresent.“Shane,man,let’sgo,”Mattcallsfromtheothersideofthedoor. He’sbeenexcitedsincehefoundoutthatSamanthawascominghome Icanimaginehimbouncingaroundinthecommonarea ofthehouse.He’sjustwaitingforthemomenthecanrushtothebighouse.
He was always close to Samantha Iwas jealous ofthe easyfriendship theyhad inthe beginning Thatwas until Irealized somethingfatedthemtoalwaysbefriendsandhewasn’tstandinginmyway.
Itugatowel offthelittlerodhangingoutsidetheshowerdooranddrymyselfoff Idressslowly,knowingthatitwill geton Matt’snerves.He’sdyingtoseeSamantha.
WhenEllencalledmeearliertoletmeknowshehadarrived,theboysandIwerealltogether Mattwaschampingatthebitto rushhome,butEllenforbadeusfromcomingatthatmoment.SheclaimedthatSamanthahaddrivenallnightandwastakinga nap.Sheeventhreatenedbodilyharmifanyofusshowedupandwokeher.
Itdidn’tmattertome.I’minnohurrytoseethewomanwholeftmehighanddrysixyearsago.WhenMattcallsoutagain,I curse.Ilookatmyselfinthemirror,prayingthatIdon’tlookasnervousasIfeel.
Idon’twanttoshow Samanthaanyemotion.WhenI’msatisfiedthatIlookgoodinmyflannel shirtanddistressedjeans,my haircombedintothatdeliberatemessylook,andthatmyeyesareclearfromtherednessofthebeersInursedearlier,Ifinally leavethebathroom
AssoonasIgotothecommonarea,Mattboundsovertome.He’slikeagoldenretriever,thisman.He’sthirty-twoyearsold butactstobeabouttwelve
“Canwegonow?”Hehuffsatme.“Ittookyoufor-fucking-everinthere.”
Irollmyeyesathimandsigh.“Youdidn’thavetowaitonme,”Iinformhim.
“CourseIdid IfIdidn’t,you’dhaveskippedoutondinner Idon’twannadealwithMamaEllen’swrath”
Sinceallofusguysmovedontotheranchwhenwewereyounger-alluscomingfrombrokenandfuckeduphomes-wetookto callingEllen,mama Shebeamedatuswhenshefirstheardit,sowekeptcallingherthat Ellenandherhusbandcouldnever havechildrenoftheirown,soshetooktoplayingmotherorgrandmothertoallthekidsontheranch.
Mattpushesmeoutthedoor,andIhavenochoicebuttomoveorhewilltrampleme.Maybethatwouldbebetter.Dammit.All IhavetodoispicturethelookonEllen’sfaceifIdon’tcometodinnerandmyresolvecrumblesalloveragain.Ican’tletthat womandown
Ifollow Mattreluctantlyup the small hill betweenthe old barnand the bighouse. Itonlytakes us a few minutes before we reachthesprawlingporch Wedon’tknockbeforeopeningthedoorandsteppingintothefoyer
Wehaveneverknockedonthedoor.TheonetimeIdid,IgotfussedatbeingtoldthatIwasfamily.ThoughImayliveinthe barn,thedoorwasalwaysopentome MattandOliweretoldthesame
Thehouseiswarm,tellingmethattheovenstill hasn’tcooleddownfromthedeliciousdinnerEllenhascooked.Icansmell thefreshyeastrollsandmystomachrumblesindelight
WhenIseethespreadoffoodonthediningtable,Idrool.There’sfriedchicken,grilledasparagus,mashedpotatoes,buttered carrots,gravy,andthosewonderfulrolls Ijustknowthere’sahomemadedessertsittingonthekitchencountercooling Thereareenoughplatesforallofus,includingSamanthaandonemore.Seeingthetablesetjustconfirmsmysuspicionthatshe didn’tcomealone Ican’tbecertainthough,asIdon’tseeher Idon’tseeOlieither
“Sit.Sit.”Ellenorders,motioningtothetwochairsthatbecameoursthedaywemovedin.
Will Samanthataketheseatattheheadofthetable?Nooneelsewill beifIcanhelpit.Iknow nothingaboutthemanshe’s movedonwith,butIknowhe’snotgoodenoughtositinWayne’sseat.
Samantha’sseathasbeenemptyforsixyears.Wayne’sforalittleoverone.Hetriedtoohardtokeepeatingwithusall,evenif itwasonlyonebite,butweallsawwhatatollittookonhim.Heexertedsomuchenergyjustholdinghisheadupmostdays.
Hewassuchastubbornman,though,refusinganurse.IthinkitmeantalottoEllenthathetrustedherenoughtocareforhim.In theend,wedidn’thaveachoicebuttocallinhospice.
Ellenjustcouldn’thandleeverythingonherown.Weallwatchedasdayafterday,Waynejustkeptgettingweakerandweaker. Samanthawasluckyinthatrespect.Shedidn’thavetowatchherfatherfadeaway.
Ishakemyheadtoclearawaythethoughtsplaguingme.I’mstillstaringatthechairattheheadofthetablewhenManuelyells. “Oli,Sammy,andDakota,dinner!”
Myheadsnapsup.Oliisthefirsttoenter,araresmilegracinghisfaceashelaughsatsomethingI’mnotprivyto.Samantha comesinnext.Itakeherinfromheadtotoe.
ThefirstthingInoticeishersunkencheeks.Oneofthemlooksalittleswollen,butIdon’tseeanymarks.Herblueeyes,which used to sparkle so brightly, now hold a dullness that I would never expect to see in her. She also seems skinnier than I remember Sixyears doesn’tseemtohave beenkindtoher,buthonestly,she’s still the mostbeautiful womanI’ve ever laid eyeson.
Whenshelooksupandseesme,thedullnessleaveshereyesreplacedbyalookofloathingsodeepitcatchesmebysurprise Thelookisgonequicklyasshetakesintherestofthepeopleintheroom.WhenhereyeslandonMatt,shegiveshimasmall smile HemusthavebeenwaitingtoseeitbeforeheapproachedherbecauseIseethemomenthisshouldersrelaxandhetakes afullbreathbeforeroundingthetableinherdirection.
Hepullsupshort,hismouthdroppingopeninshockatsomethingheseesbehindSamantha SomethingIcan’tseefromwhereI sit.“Sammy.”Hewhispers.“YouhaveaminiSammy.”Hecontinues,theaweinhisvoiceclear.
I’mconfusedbyhiscommentforaminutebeforeSamanthaturnsandleansdown
That’swhenIcatchthewispofblondehair SamanthamovesandIfinallygetthefull picture.Alittlegirl standstherelookingshylyateveryone.Shelookssomuchlike Samantha Youcouldn’tdenyit’sherdaughter
Shehasthesameblondehair;thesamepertlittlenoseandaheart-shapedface.Hercheeksareround.Whatstandsoutthemost ishereyes I’veseenthembefore IseethemeverytimeIlookinthemirror Theforest'sgreencolorisunmistakable
Iopenmymouthtospeakandcloseitagain.Manuellooksatme,awarninginhiseyes.He’stellingmewithoutevenspeaking tokeepmymouthclosed.Now isnotthetime.Islumpbackinmychair,frozeninshock.It’shardtobreatheandmyheartis beatingastaccatoinmychest
Hearingthe little girl giggle atsomethingMattsays does somethingto me. I’mnotevensure what. The momentends when Samanthaleadsherovertothetable SheliftsthelittlegirlandplacesherinWayne’sunusedseatandtakestheonebesideit I’mquietduringdinnerasIgothroughthemotionsofeating,butIdon’ttasteanyofit.I’velearnedthatthelittlegirl, my little girl,is Dakota She’s whoSamantha arguedwithher dadover How insane Iwas tobelieve she’dbe afraidtobringa man here.TheSamanthaIrememberfearednothing.
IlearnedDakotawasalmostsixyearsold,soSamanthawaspregnantwhensheranaway Didsheknow?Isthatwhysheleft? DidshethinkIwouldbemadandnotwantanythingtodowithher?
Ican’tthinkstraightwhilesittingacrossfromSamanthaandtryingnottosaysomethingI’llregret Ican’twaitforthismealto beover,soIcangetoutofhere.Losingmyshitinfrontofmykidisn’tsomethingIeverwanttodo.
Mattkeepstryingtopullmeintoconversation,butallIcanmanageistogivehimgruntsinanswer Olilooksatmeworriedly Dotheynotseeit?DotheynotrealizethatDakotaismine?
WhenEllenoffersdessert,Ideclineandrushoutofthehouselikemyassisonfire Noonefollows,whichisn’tsurprising They’llallwanttospendtimewiththeprodigaldaughter.
Myskinfeelstootight,myclothesstifling I’mnotthinkingclearlywhenIrundowntothelakeandstripoutmyclothes Irunto theedgeofthedockandthrowmyselfintothechillywater.
Evenwiththewatercausingmylungstoseizeupinmychest,IswearIcanbreatheeasierthanIdidinsidethathouse Being thatclosetoSamanthaafterbeingapartfromherforsolongwasabsolutetorture.SeeingDakotaandknowingshe’sminehas doneanumberonme
IthoughtIhadpreparedmyselfforthedaythatSamanthafinallywalkedbackintomylife.IwassoverydeludedtobelieveI’d everbepreparedforallthefeelingsswimmingthroughme NowI’mbeingeatenalivefromtheinside
Ican’tevenkeeptrackofeverythingI’mfeeling.Iwanttocryandrage.ThetemptationtogetsodrunkthatIforgetmyown goddamnnameslitherswithinmyblood Wayne’smemoryistheonlythingstoppingme Eventhoughhe’snotwithusanymore, Icouldn’tdealwiththedisappointmentIknewhe’dhaveinme.
SixyearsthatImissed ImissedwatchingSamantha’sbellygrowwithmychild Imissedfeelinghermoveinsidehermother and watchingher come into this world. Imissed her firstword, her firststep. Whatelse did Imiss? So much. And it’s all Samantha’sfault
ChapterThree Samantha
S
HANEFLEWOUTOFthehouseafterdinner.IwouldbelyingifIsaidIwasn’talittlerelievedtoseehimgo.Iknowthe reasonheleftsoquickly.Shanehasneverbackeddownfromspeakinghismindandthefactthathewassoquietthroughout themealwasproofthathewasholdingbackonpurpose.
IwatchedhiscomplexionghostwhitewhenhefirstlaideyesonDakota.Thehopethathewouldn’trealizewhoDakotawas died then. He absolutelycould see it, thoughI don’t thinkMatt and Oli did. It wouldn’t be the hardest thingto figure out, though,basedonheragealone
Bothguysknewaboutmyrelationshipwiththeirbestfriend.Theonlyonethatdidn’tknowatthetimewasDaddy.Ofcourse, wehiditfromhim
Shanewasmucholderthanme.Whenwestarteddating,IwassixteenandShanewasalreadytwenty-two.Ididn’tgiveashit aboutourages Neitherdidhe Butmydadwouldhavehadacoronaryifhe’dfoundout
HewouldhavebeenthatwayifIhadattemptedtodateanyoftheboys.Heknewtheirhistories-hadseenhowtheywerewith anyonenotontheranch-andhealwayssaidIwastoogoodtobewithsomeonesobroken Idon’tthinkIeversawthemthat way.
Ofcourse,theyhadissues TheygrewupintheworsthomesandfromwhatIunderstand,fostercarewasn’tanybetter Butthey hadeachotherbackthen,andthey’vehadeachothersince,whileI’vebeenalone.
Itshouldn’thavecomeasasurprisethatIfell inlovewithShane Hewasalwayslargerthanlife,andtheonlytimeIdidn’t findmyselfdrawntohimwaswhenheburnedthebarndown.Eventhen,therewassomethingabouttheboywiththesadgreen eyes
Whenhewasn’tfightingother boysfor talkingbadlyabouthismama,hewas,dareIsay,sweet.AndIcouldn’tfaulthimfor defendinghismamasinceIwouldhavedonethesame Iwouldhavepunchedanyonethatsaidabadwordabouther “Sammy,canItalktoyouforaminute?”OliasksafterEllenhastakenDakotaforabath.
“Uh.Yeah,sure.”Ireply.
IfollowhimintothelivingareawherehesitsonthesofaandItakeupthespacebesidehim Itisn’tlongbeforeMattfollows WesitinsilencewhileIwatchOlitrytocomeupwithwhateverhewantstosay.
“IwanttostartbysayingthatyouknowI’dneverjudgeyou We’dneverjudgeyou,”hestartswhileusinghishandtomotion betweenhimselfandhisbrother.“Butwherethehellhaveyoubeenforthelastsixyearsandwhydidyourunaway?”
“It’scomplicated,”Iwhisper Idon’twanttogetintothiswithhim Whilehesayshewon’tjudge,Iknowthatifheknewthe completestory,hewouldn’tbeabletohelpit.
“Ithoughtthingsweregood You’dgottenyouracceptancetoOSU Youweregoingtolookatapartments” “AndShanegothurt.”Iremindhim.
“Shanegettinghurtdidn’taffectyourplans” “Didn’tit?Icouldn’tjustleavehim.”
“Youdidn’thaveto.Wewouldhavefoundaprogramnearthecollege.”Olifrustratedlyreplies.
“Heblamedme.”
“Never.Heknewitwasn’tyourfault.Unlessyouwerethatbull,noneofwhathappenedwasonyou.”
“He blamed me for notbeingthere and because youwentwithme instead ofbeinginthe arena withhim He wentthrough fuckingsurgeryalone.”
“No HehadWayne HehadManuel Andyouweretherewhenitmattered Whydoyouthinkheblamedyou?Heknewgetting hurtwasapossibilityeverytimeheclimbedontoasteer’sback.Heknew,andhestilldidit.”
“Forme Forourfuture”
“AndyouthoughtthatsinceShanegothurt,hisplansfortakingcareofyouchanged?”Oliasksangrily. Ishakemyhead,tears forminginmyeyes “Heshowedmehow littleImeanttohimafter that Hedidn’twantafuturewith me.”
“Bullshit,”Mattsaysfromwherehesits “Shanealwayswantedyou Youwereallheevertalkedabout Evenafteryouleft,he didn’tgiveuponyou.Notforacoupleofyears.Itguttedhimwhenyounevercamehome.”
“Heguttedmelongbeforethat”Igrit
Whenbothguys justsitthere waitingfor me to respond withclarification, Igetup. “We’re notdone talkingyet,” Oli calls behindme
IhuffasIgoovertomypursehangingonthecoatrackbythedoor.IpulloutthelittleblackphonethatShaneboughtmewhen westarteddating ItwasourwayoftalkingwithoutDadfindingout IwalkbackoverandsitbackinthespotIhadjustvacated.Olisitsbackbesideme.IhandOlithephone.
Whenhegoestopoweriton,Iplacemyhandonhis.“Gotothevideos.It’stheonlyonethere.WatchitwhenI’mnotaround. I’ve seenitenoughthatIcouldtell youwordfor wordwhat’s saidanddescribe itincomplete detail.Idon’tneedtosee it anymore”
I stand back up, prepared to leave the room again because I want to get as far away from what comes next as I can. “I understandyoubeingpissedatmefornotatleastkeepingintouchwithyoutwo Justpleasedon’thateme”Ibeg “Orhim,”I addasanafterthought.
“Sammy.” Mattgets myattentionbygentlygrabbingmyhand. “Icould never hate you. You’re mybestfriend. CanIaskyou somethingbeforeyougotobed?”Inodmyhead.“IsDakota…”Hetrailsoff.
“Yeah.DakotaisShane’sdaughter.”Imumble.“Shedoesn’tknow,soI’dappreciateitifyou’dnotsayanythinguntilIcantell hermyself.”
Neither guytries to stop me againwhenIleave them. Theydon’tsayanother word. Isee Mattsitbeside Oli as Iround the corner.Igrabthebottleofwhiskeyfromthecounterinmylittlewingofthehouseandopentheslidingdoortothelittlesitting areaDadcreated
WhenIsitinoneoftheAdirondackchairs,Iturnonthegasfirepitandsitbythefire.Thewarmthoftheflamesiscalming.I’m home Inahousesurroundedbypeoplethatmeanssomuchtome,andyetI’veneverfeltmorealone
Dakota is asleep, and the little patio is quiet. I wish there was more noise. Anything to drown out the thoughts that are screamingatme
Brokenheartedandlost,IcalledAuntMegandaskedifIcouldstaywithher.Ididn’tgiveheranyexplanations,andshedidn’t ask Shejusttoldmetogettoher ThebusridefromOklahomatoSavannahwaslongandhonestlyalittleterrifying
Megwas waitingatthe stationwhenmybus pulledin.Still,she didn’taskquestions.She didn’thave to.Meghadthis way aboutherthatcouldgetanyonetospilltheirdeepest,darkestsecrets It’sagift
Oncewemadeittoherhouse,Icouldn’tholdbackmyemotions,andIbrokedown.Sheheldmethroughitall,neverspeaking, justhummingasongunderherbreathuntilthetearsdriedup Exhausted,Ifellasleepwithmyheadonherlap
Iwokeuphours later,somewhatrestedandhungry.MegmademeasandwichandwhenIfinallysatdowntoeat,thewhole sordid tale just burst from me like a dam being opened for the first time in years I expected Meg to be mad or even disappointed.Itsurprisedmewhensheofferedmeasmallsmileandsaiditwouldallbeokay.
Shehelpedmeapplytothelocal collegefor remotecourses Shewentwithmetoeverydoctor’sappointment Megheldmy hairformewhenIwassick.
Atno pointdid she throw mymistakes inmyface She was the mostsupportive womaninthe world Ilike to thinkthatmy momwouldhavebeenjustassupportiveifshewerestillalive.
Megmademecallmydad,explainingthatitwasn’tfairtohavehimworryingaboutme Hedidnothingwrong WhenIwent intolabor,shewasrighttherebesideme,coachingmetobreatheandtopush.InsteadofShanebeingthefirstpersontohold Dakotaafterme,itwasMeginhisplace
AyearafterDakota’sbirth,Meggotsickandunfortunatelypassedaway.Itdevastatedme.Notonlythat,IwasconcernedthatI wouldn’tbeabletohandleraisingachildonmyown That’swhenImetNick
NickwassoattractiveandthecompleteoppositeofShane.Inhisexpensivesuit,heexudedpower,buthewasn’tcocky.Wehit itoffimmediately Withina few months, he had talked me into sellingMeg’s house and movingmyselfand Dakota into his home.
Hishousewasextravagant He’dboughtanoldplantationandhaditcompletelyredone Theoutsidewasstillold-world,while theinsidewasallcleanlinesandmodern.Thekitchencouldputsomeoftheworld’smostfamousrestaurantstoshame.
Ifinished mydegree, butNickhad said he preferred Ididn’twork He wanted to take care ofus Imissed home Imissed Shane,andeverytimeIthoughtofhim,IwasmoredeterminedtostaywithNick.Ifhetookcareofus,Ineverhadtogohome.I neverhadtoseeShaneagain
OnceDakotawasoldenoughtosleepthroughthenight,thingschanged.Nickchanged.Orrather,histruecolorsbledthrough. Hefiredthehousestaff,andIwastotaketheirplace Heexpecteddinneronthetableatacertaintimeeverynight Thehouse wastobespotless.
BetweentakingcareofDakotaanddoingwhatneededtobedonearoundthehouse,itexhaustedmeall thetime Nickdidn’t
seemtocare.Hewouldgetupsetifthingsweren’texactlyforhisspecifications.IfIcomplainedIwastired,he’dgrabmeand shakeme.
Thencamethesexualstuff.Iwasn’treadytobewithhimthatway,butIowedhim.Atleastthat’swhathesaid.
Itstartedwithoral;himteachingme how he likedit Whenthatwasn’tenoughanymore,he movedontothe actual deed At first,itwasevenenjoyable.HemadesurethatIcamebeforehedid.Aftersometime,hedidn’tcareatallanymore.
IfIdeniedhim,he’dtiemeupandforcehimselfonme WhenDakotawasfour,thepartiesbegan Therewereneveranyother womenthatshowedup,onlymen.
Nickhiredanannysothattheydidnotburdenmewithcaringfor achildwhenheneededmebyhisside,lookingpretty He boughtmeexpensivedressesandjewelry.Iwasstupidtofeelspecialfromhisattention.
Thepartiesweremorelikebusinessmeetings Theydidnotspeakbusinessinfrontofme,toobusygrabbingmeandfondling me.Thefirsttimeheofferedanassociateanhourwithme,IwaslividandtoldNickthatwasnotwhoIwas.ThebeatingItook forstandingmygroundhadmelaidupinbedforaweek.
Everytimeafter,Nickwouldtellme,“IfyoudenythemenIchooseforyou,IcanalwaysgogetDakota.I’msurethey’dpay welltobreakherin.”
Iknewhewasserious.Hewasthatsick,soIwentwithoutafight.Nickgavethemenpermissiontousemeanddowhatthey wantedsolongastheydidn’ttouchmyface.ItreservedmyfaceforNick’spleasure.
Itriedseveraltimestoleave.IwantedoutbutlearnedquicklythatNickwouldnotwillinglyletmego.He’dkillmefirst.
Whenitgotbadenoughtowarrantahospitalvisit,theywouldbegmetotalktothepoliceandIwouldalwaysdecline Iran throughadoororIslippedandfelldownthestairs.IgavethemanyexcuseIcouldtoprotectDakota,whowasalwayshome withNick,notfaraway.
IfIleftthehousetoshoporforDakota’sdoctor’sappointments,Iwasneveralone.Nickalwayshadsomeonegowithme.I neverknewwhatbusinesshewasin,butIknewithadtobebad.HecouldhavebeenamobsterforallIknew.I’mprettysure hehadkilledbeforeandhewasn’tafraidtodoitagain
Iwas his property. Nothingmore. Nothingless. Ididn’t have anymoney. What Imade fromthe sale ofMeg’s house, Nick addedtohiscoffers
The onlymoneyI saw was what Nickprovided for me to get groceries. Eventhat didn’t happenoften. Nickpreferred for everythingtobedelivered Probablybecauseofthebruisesthatseemedtoalwaysmarkmyflesh
TheonethingNickletmedowascallmydadweekly.IthinkitwasmoresonoonewouldquestionwhereIwas.Nickalways refusedtoletmevideocall
That’swhenIfoundthemakeupthatwouldcoveranymarksonmyface.Ineededtoseemydadoccasionally.Ibeggedfordays beforeNickfinallygaveinandagreedthatIcouldvideochatwithmydadsolongasIworemakeupandneverspokeaword aboutwhatwasgoingonwithinthehouse.
IwatchedasDadgotsick Icouldseehowmuchthecancerwastakingoutofhimeverytimewespoke Whenitgottowhere thenursehadtoholdthephoneforhimandhecouldn’tsaybutafewwords,Iknewitwouldn’tbelong.
Ipreparedmyselffortheinevitabilitythathewasgoingtodie Yet,Ineverwenthome Notinallthattime Notuntilnow
Gravelcrunchingcausesmetoturnmyheadtotheside,tearsslidingdownmyface.Ididn’tevenrealizeIwascryingagain,so lostinmymusingsIwas
IcanonlyseeatallandbroadsilhouettebeforethefirefromthepitlightsupMatt’sface.Hehasanequallyangryandsadlook onhisfaceashetakesmein,andthenthebottlenowlyingonthegroundempty DidIdrinktherestofthebottle?Oops “CanIsit?”Heasks,hesitantly.
Idon’thave the energyto speak, so Ijustnod. He takes the seatbeside me. Mattcanalways read mymoods, so he doesn’t speak.Wejustkindoflazethereonthechairswatchingtheflamesdanceinfrontofus.
Thetearsdon’tstopfallingdownmyface.Matthuffsbeforemovinghischairascloseashecangetittomine.Heliftsmefrom mypositionandsitsmeacrosshislap,wrappinghisarmsaroundme.
“Letitout,Sammy.”Hewhispers.“I’vegotyou.”Ibelievehim.Ifanyonewouldalwayshavemyback,it’shim.Herocksme likeachildwhilewhisperingoverandover,“I’vegotyou.You’resafe.I’llalwayskeepyousafe.” I’mnotsurewhathemeans.He’ll keepmesafefromShane?Fromthememories?Hecan’tmeanfromNicksincehehas no clueaboutanyofthatandIdon’tplantotellhimoranyone.Theydon’tneedtoknow.
It doesn’t matter. Now that I’ve left Savannah, I have no plans to go back. I just don’t know where Dakota and I will permanentlyland.IjustneedtomakeitthroughthenextweekandthenIcandecide.
“You’refreezing.Let’sgetyouinside.”Mattofferswhilestandingwithmestillinhisarms.
Iforgothow bigMattis He lifts me effortlessly He carries me into the house and tries to go downthe hall “The couchis fine.”
“You’dbemorecomfortableinbed”Heargues “No.Ihaven’tgoneinthereyet.Ican’t.”
Hechangesdirectionandlowersmetotheoversizedsofa Grabbingthethrow,hecoversme,thenheleansdownandkisses myforehead.“Goodnight,Sammy.”
Myhandjetsoutandgrabshisarmashe’sturningaway “Staywithme?”Iask Iwouldn’tblamehimifhedeniesme,butI hopehewon’t.“Please?”Itackon.
Matt nods at me and then removes his shirt I realize he changed his clothes fromthe jeans he was wearing to a pair of sweatpants.Mattiseverygirl’swetdream,butashirtlessMattisagodamongmeremortalmen.We’venevercrossedthatline andIneverwould,butIamared-bloodedwomanwhoknowswhatagood-lookingmanis
Heclimbsbehindmeonthesofaandcovershimselfwiththeblanket.Hewrapshisarmaroundmeandpullsmeclose.Ican feeltheheatfromhisbodyseepingintomyback,anditlullsmeintoarelaxedstate,butmymindwon’tshutdown
“Sleep,Sammy.”Mattorders.
“Ican’t,”Irespond “Mymindwon’tshutup Tellmeastory?”
“Whatkindofstory?”
Ahappyone,Ithinktomyselfwhilemymouthsays,“Tellmeaboutyou.Whathaveyoubeenuptoforthepastsixyears?Do youhaveagirlfriend?Awife?”
Ididn’tseearingonhisfinger.Sometimesthatmeanslessthannothing.I’mcuriousabouteverythingI’vemissed,evenShane, butIrefusetoaskabouthim.RightnowI’mcontentwithlayingnexttomybestfriendandhearingabouthim.
“After youleft,Icontemplatedcomingafter you.IbeggedWaynetotell mewhereyouwere,butyouknow how stubbornhe was.Hewasn’tevergoingtobegyoutocomeback.”Hesighs.“Afterawhile,Ijustkindofgaveupontheideaofyoucoming home ThenitbecameamatterofkeepingShanefromburyinghimselfinadarkhole Itwasbad Believeitornot,itwasyour dadthatfinallygotthroughtohim.”
“Ididn’tmeantohurtyouorOli Ijustdidn’tknowwhattodo”
“I know. Anyway, I started taking some classes at the local community college and ended up with a degree in emergency medicine”
“That’samazing!”Ipraise.“I’msoproudofyou.”
“AndIdatedsomeoneforawhile,butitneverworkedout,”Mattcontinues,dejectedly “Well,it’sherloss,”Irespondautomatically.“Anygirlwouldbeluckytohaveyou.”
Mattlaughs “Yeah Youwouldn’tthinkthatifyouknewwhoitwas”
Iturnmyheadtolookathim,waitingpatientlyforhimtotellmewhothegirlis.Helookshurt,andseeingitsendsashotof angerstraightthroughme I’veneverbeenaviolentperson,butIwanttothroat-punchthiswomanwhocanputthatkindoflook inhiseyes.
“ItwasBrianna”
“Mybestgirlfriend,Brianna?”Iask,surprised.
He nods. “Yeah. Iloved her, youknow. AtleastIthinkIdid. Iwanted to settle downwithher, butshe wanted to travel the world.Waynewas sickbythetimewetalkedaboutit.Icouldn’tleavehim.Icouldn’tleavetheranch.Wayneneededall of us”
Ifeellikethisisanotherthingthatismyfault,thoughIknowMattwouldneverblameme.HadIbeenhere,wouldMatthave beenabletoleavewithBrianna,orwouldhehavestillstayed?Idon’tgetthechancetoaskhim,ashechangesthesubject
“Enoughofthat.It’sinthepast.Let’stalkaboutDakota.”
“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
“Didyouknowyouwerepregnantwhenyouleft?”
“Youcutrighttothechase,Matt.”Isnort.“Buttoansweryourquestion,IfoundoutthesamedayItookoff.Youwatchedthe video.That’swhatIsawwhenIcametotellShane.”
“Whydidn’tyoucometous?Whyrun?”
“Idon’tknow Backthen,Iwasterrified IworriedDadwouldbelividandthathe’dgoafterShane IwasafraidyouandOli wouldhatemebecausetherewasnowayIcouldhavestayedinarelationshipwithShaneafterwalkinginonthat.”
“So,wheredidyougo?”
“ToSavannah.TomyauntMeg.”
“Ifuckingknew it Oli saidIwas crazyfor evenconsideringitbecause ifyouwantedtorunaway,youwouldn’thave gone somewherewecouldeasilyfindyou.DidyourdadknowaboutDakota?”
“Yeah Idon’tknowifheeverfiguredoutthatShanewasherfather,butheknewabouther Hetalkedtoheroccasionally”
“Heneversawher,though?”
Ishakemyhead.HowdoIexplaineverythingtohim?
“Wanttotalktomeaboutthebruiseonyourface?Ortheonesunderyoursleeves?Anddon’tgivemethatshitaboutwalking intoadoor.RememberwhereIgrewup.”
“Idon’twanttotalkaboutthat,”Irespond.“EventuallyI’lltellyou.Justnottonight.”
“Fine.ThenanswerthisandI’llletyousleep.Areyougoingtorunagain?”
Iwanttotellhimnoandmeanit,butifI’mbeinghonest,Idon’tknow IjustneedtomakeitthroughuntilthefuneralandthenI candecidewhatmynextstepis.Mattcanseethroughmylies,soIsaynothing.He’sbeenmybestfriendsinceIwassevenand
“Idon’tknowwhatI’mgoingtodo,”Iwhisperhonestly
“Fair enough.” Mattsays,“Justbe preparedbecause I’mgoingtodoeverythingIcantomake youstay.I’ve missedmybest friend”
After that,wegrow quietagain.Withhisarmswrappedaroundmetightly,Ifall intothefirstrestful sleepI’vehadinalong time
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