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The Return of the Well Cultured Anonymous is an updated book, based on the original Well Cultured Anonymous, which was painstakingly built by fellow Anonymous on Wikichan. It attempts to show others (primarily other Anonymous) how to be sophisticated, talented, and polite in today's modern world.
Some parts need to be updated, important topics need to be added, and a few pages need to be customized for a girl's point of view. If you can help with this, just go ahead when you feel like it.
We added "The Return" to this book's title, since it was entirely lost in it's original form after Wikichan fell apart. Some parts still live on in Well-Cultured, a website based on the book, made by the last Wikichan admin in a attempt to make a serious men's help magazine. Because of the unfortunate fate of such an informative guide, we have restored the original and reopened it to editing.
Intro
You have seen them everywhere – self help topics of Anonymous begging for help with his life. Some people have no idea how they should dress other than wearing a Pantera t-shirt with jeans that their mother bought for them five years ago. Some have no idea how to approach women and spend their time masturbating to Loli. And some just want to know if they should shave their pubes.
Here, my friends, is your answer. Written by anon, edited by anon, and perfected by anon. Every single tip, trick, and Barrel Roll you will ever need to know without having to ask for help. The first chapters of this Wikibook will intend to enlighten and refresh your memory on the basicshow to look decent, how to keep in shape, and that kind of thing. Then, it will segue into other people- how to pick up women, how to handle other people, and how to have a dinner party where you don't throw food. Then, the miscellaneous things- College, protips and tricks, and basically anything else you could ever want to know.
Read away. Edit away. Learn, Anonymous.
About/Around the Book
Because it is a community work to begin with.
Authors of the Well-Cultured Anonymous - The people who made the original guide on Wikichan.
Authors of the Return of the Well-Cultured Anonymous - The people who resurrected it from deletion and updated it for inclusion in the Bibliotheca Anonoma.
Similar Books and References
Disclaimer
The information in these chapters is not to be taken literally or be used in any way to commit any illegal acts. This information is for learning purposes only, and does not (directly or indirectly) support the topics discussed thereof. You take all responsibility for how you use any of these chapters, no matter what.
Cleaning Yourself Up
Because it's what you need to do to even step foot in society.
Showering
Showers are absolutely fucking essential. Showers are basically your way of keeping yourself fresh and new without having to do much other than rub yourself over.
Stuff you need: Soap (either bar or liquid), Shower, Towel - srsly, that's everything that's absolutely necessary, don't believe it? -then read on...
Stuff you may want: Shampoo, Conditioner, (facial) Cleanser, Sponge/Flannel/Back-Brush/BathMitt, TODO - anything else you can think of...
Turn on shower, get in.
Rinse - briefly rub all over before using the soap, get hair thoroughly soaked - this gets quite a bit of the dirt off (most of it if you're covered with mud or NOT MUD or something).
Wash - this should also be obvious, but start from the top and work your way down - this is so that you avoid rinsing washed-off dirt onto the parts you've already cleaned.
o Start with head/hair (PROTIP: YOU DON'T NEED SHAMPOO/CONDITIONER, soap will clean it fine, although you may prefer something else - go with what seems to work best for the money you want to spend; still, conditioner is for metro-fags), rub the soap (or whatever) in for a couple minutes then rinse - repeat until it feels clean.
o Now the face, again, SOAP IS FINE, you can also use a flannel or scrape (scrape, not scratch) any of the greasier parts with a fingernail. Like the hair, soap/rub/rinse until clean.
o Now continue working downwards; arms, armpits, chest/breasts, back, penis (Also that includes retracting the foreskin for cleaning if you're a Eurofag or not a Jew/Durkatard/AmeriKKKan), balls, labia (try not to get any soap in your vagina, but be sure to wash between your labia and underneath your clit hood), ass cheeks, anus (it's a good idea to poop before a shower), legs, feet (including between toes).
I would recommend against using soap on your glans penis [or] if you are uncircumcised, since this can mess up the natural balance of microorganisms and cause balanitis, or just be generally irritating, speaking from experience.
o For washing the body, some abrasiveness may be useful - this can be "grainy" soap or the sponge/flannel/mitt mentioned above.
Rinse (again) - ensure all soap etc. is washed away.
Dry - Thoroughly, with a towel (or 2, unless you don't mind using the same one for your face and ass). Again, start with hair and work down to feet, pay particular attention to areas where skin rubs against skin (ass crack, armpits etc.)
Remember, remove everything you put on yourself that day/yesterday, meaning if you walk in smelling like perfume, cologne or booze, you need to come out smelling like soap.
Of course, use deodorant or antiperspirant. Unless you're one of the lucky ones whose BO isn't bad (get someone else to confirm this), pick one and use it. Go with sticks or roll-ons because spray wears off faster and covering yourself in it is worse then smelling like BO. Ax, Lynx or Tag will not get girls to jump you in the street, it's just marketing you dumb fucks, if you like the smell then use it in MODERATION!
Shaving
And then, the second most obvious task for you to do: Shave, unless you can grow nice facial hair that looks good on you. Horrible facial hair ruins a great face; great facial hair improves a horrible face. This doesn't mean for you to go out and grow a goatee - clean shaven men are usually preferred. The only exception to this is a "close but rough" shave, which some women find hot. That's just a five-o-clock shadow, so that comes with time, just shave it away in the mornings and let it come back in the evenings.
No matter how you choose to shave, there are a couple of things you should remember for optimal grooming.
Hydration: keep your face hydrated, whether it's just constantly running warm/hot water over it or using shaving cream/foam/soap. This makes it easier for the blade to do its work without cutting your face to shit and rendering the whole exercise a fucking disaster.
Change your blades/razor about once a week, assuming you shave daily. Whether you're a cheap-ass and buy those disposable things, go metro-fag and get that expensive shit, or somewhere in the middle, making sure you're not using a dull blade will make sure everything goes smoother, again reducing the chance you come out with a face like a Bosnian's wrist.
Do not go against the grain, you're setting yourself up for a lovely cutting board look. Always go with the grain on the first (few) passes, or until it doesn't cut anything anymore in that direction, that will ensure a nice shave already, at this point, you may try going against the grain, but again, don't go directly at it, rotate the shave, if you will,
that will enable for a much closer shave, while the previous actions should prevent most razor burns at this point. (unverified at this point for straight razors)
Also, give electric shavers a try. Even if they are not fully effective on your skin, going over with an electric shaver first and then shaving normally with a razor can be easier on your skin (avoiding disasters on your face), easier to shave with and make your razor last longer. You don't have to get those $100 dollar ones. Getting a small $25 "beard grooming kit" (buzzers of various sizes & a small foil shaver) can minimize the amount of shaving you have to do with a razor.
You can also use it to shave off other bits of hair on your body (pubic hair (NOT YOUR GENITALS!!), ass crack) and completely avoid razor burns, infections, nasty sweat accumulations and what not.
If by some ungodly coincidence that you actually attract a female, and she prefers you cleanshaven, you may want to invest in a straight razor.
There are many good reasons for this, chief among them is that you can re-sharpen the blade, saving money on disposable razors. Other non-health related pros of the straight razor are the extremely close shave, the need to only make two passes with the razor to remove the hair and dead skin, and the simple aesthetics of using and handling a straight razor.
Health-related pros revolve mainly around the way disposables work. Your ordinary Mach 3 will lift the hair and cut it, sometimes multiple times if you make several passes. Now multiply the number of passes by three. The skin then grows over/heals over the hair follicle. Yeah, see what we're getting at? And you wonder why you get razor burn and ingrown hairs from hell. Use a straight razor and you won't have these problems. But, if you aren't careful with a straight razor, your face will end up looking like Wolverine or Freddy Kruger mistook you for a sharpening stone.
Otherwise, if you're too lazy to do it yourself, go to an old-school barbershop. The one with the combs and everything in the blue astringent, the barber pole out front, and old men playing checkers in the corner. These mothers know how to shave a guy fast, and right. And you get hot towels, hot lather, aftershave, the whole works. It takes about five or ten minutes, and is quite relaxing. Try it once if you don't believe.
Waiting to be incorporated: http://www.gentlemans-shop.com/acatalog/perfect_shave.html
Brushing
Then comes the obligatory that your mother always taught you- brush and floss your teeth. Brushing your teeth, as well as occasionally flossing, is essential if you want to be trading saliva with anyone any time soon. Make sure you have brushed your teeth before you leave your house in the morning and certainly after breakfast. Check your tongue for accumulated gunk (you should perhaps do this every time you go to a bathroom with a mirror), you can either brush it as well or scrape it all off with a thumbnail (sniff your thumbnail afterwards, did you really want to keep that in your mouth?, now wash your hands). If you're in a situation where you're going to be talking to people, and you think your breath might smell, chew some gum. You might find it helpful to always keep gum with you in case you might need it.
One tool that gets overlooked too often are the flossing tools. The Oral-B 'Hummingbird' and floss wands are both quite good for reaching those hard-to-reach back teeth, and can be done sitting in front of the TV or computer without the need for a mirror. Gum massagers, whitening strips, and other such truck can generally be done away with so long as you brush at least twice daily and floss at least once daily, though the Anonymous without a good foundation in oral hygiene may find whitening strips quite useful.
Mouthwash is crucial to cleaning up your foul halitosis. DO NOT use mouthwash with alcohol in it such as Listerine or Scope. Alcohol dries out your mouth which makes it easy for bacteria to stink it up again. Alcohol based mouthwashes will mask foul smelling breath for only a short time, and in the long run they will make halitosis worse. If you want a good mouthwash try something like Breath RX. Don't worry about the taste, you'll get used to it sooner or later. And honestly, it does make your breath smell ten times better, so do us ALL a favor and use it.
Don't forget to get a tongue scraper. After you brush, scrape your tongue and then rinse it all out with a good mouthwash. When scraping try to get the implement as far back in your mouth as possible then pull it forward. Most of the stuff that causes halitosis is rotting food stuck on the back of your tongue.
The last thing is also important: brush or comb your hair. Brushing your hair is necessary, no matter if you have short or long hair. For those of you with long hair, it gives it a sleeker and much more organized look- and for those of you with short, it keeps it from looking TOO messy. Then, if you feel the need, you can add gel or any other hair product to it. Just don't go overboard- if you look like you spent as much time as your date fixing your hair, there is a problem. Alternatively, if you go around looking like you just got out of the shower from all the gel in your hair, don't bother. You're not fooling anyone, and they're all secretly laughing at you behind your back. Remember, a little goes a long way.
Handling Acne
Acne cures are like hangover cures. Everyone has them, and generally they're all shit. However, here are some basic tips to turning your face from pepperoni pizza into a cheese pizza. Or chocolate-strawberry pizza into just chocolate pizza if you're a nigra.
If you have really bad acne, you could probably benefit from seeing a dermatologist. Ask your Primary doctor, as they can prescribe various creams for various severities. If it's only mild, you can treat it yourself by using the right facial cleanser and acne cream. Acne occurs when pores become plugged with dead skin cells and then become infected by bacteria. When you are buying facial cleanser, look for something that has salicylic acid listed as the active ingredient. Salicylic acid is an exfoliating agent interestingly, it's found in aspirin, which you can make an exfoliate paste out of in a pinch. It helps keep your pores from getting clogged. Next, buy some acne cream that has benzoyl peroxide listed as the active ingredient. Benzoyl peroxide kills the bacteria that infect your pores. Wash your face and apply the cream two or three times per day. You should probably start out only applying it once per day, to make sure your skin doesn't have any adverse reactions to it. If your skin gets too dry because of the cream, you can apply
moisturizer. Just be sure the moisturizer doesn't clog your pores/grease up your face, or you're back to square one.
Otherwise, to prevent acne, try using a mild facial soap like Dial, or anything else that is antibacterial. Wash your face twice a day, once when you wake up, and once before you go to bed. Your face is naturally oily, don't flip out because you're a little greasy, but if you can see through your pillowcase, you need to wash more. If you see a breakout happening, put a drop of Clearasil or some other acne medicine on the spot and rub it in a bit. It should go away in a bit. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, after all. It is important NOT to go overboard on the Sea Breeze and facial scrubs. Ever continually bullied a kid? Doubtful, but if you ever had, you'd know that eventually they're going to come to school with a gun and fuck you up Columbine style. Same with your face. Don't abuse your skin trying to prevent acne, you're only going to make things worse.
SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE: Recently, Jewish immigrants from the Middle East have gotten into the habit of opening little kiosks at your local mall/farmer's market/Whatever The Fuck You to sell facial cleansers made from salt from the Red Sea. It. Is. A Goddamn. Fucking. Rip-off. This is just one Anon's experience, but when (Not if, when. They WILL try to sell you something if you frequent the place) they try to push the shit on you, they may make reference to the fact that they're Jews from Israel and will take anything for payment. Glasses, video games, whatever. Have a few lulz on that and then tell them to piss off. Don't come crying to me if they get pissed and wreck your shit though.
Haircuts
Haircuts are like clothing in that they basically define who you are. This can be a good or bad thing - you either do well with them or majorly fuck them up - the right cut can make you look classy and stylish in even the shittiest situation, whereas the worst can make you look like you're going to fuck your cousin (would you feel that's a bad thing). While there is no really easy way to tell you how to get the right hairdo, keep the following things in mind:
Short barbershop hair is generally stupid. What I mean by that is that those generic "white boy" haircuts the majority of men get need to die and burn in hell. If it involves cutting your hair universally one half of an inch short and just using a razor on your neck, don't even bother.
Know your salon procedure.
o First, find yourself a SALON - not a barbershop. Salons are usually run by women, not by men, which means that they tend to look at men's hair more than at what seems to be the style on CNN or FOX News.
o Call in early and schedule an appointment - and for god's sake, ASK HOW LONG THE HAIRDRESSER HAS WORKED AT THE SALON. Never let them place you with "the new girl" (they will want to).
o If they do, you will no doubt get a butchered haircut with horrible fashion sense, much like you would get a bad dinner if you asked a new cook to make you something he has never made before.
Crew cuts are stupid too. See above.
If you have very bad acne, you should consider getting a short haircut nonetheless.
If you prefer a buzz cut, then DO IT YOURSELF; spending $30 on a set of clippers will quickly end up cheaper.
Afros look cool only if you're black. And wearing a suit. Preferably obstructing the paths of others while dancing by a pool.
Growing out your hair is good, but you still will need haircuts. Get a good stylist, they'll know what to do.
Greasy long hair is indicative of "I stay up at night masturbating to furry and playing D&D".
As for your hairstyle, the best thing for you to do is ask the stylists. Some of the best advice in the world can be gotten with the same line you can use while clothes shopping - either "What do you think would look good on me", or "What would you do if you were going to date me?". These lines work like charms - but do note that you need to make sure that your stylist isn't freaking crazy. One particular anon learned very quickly that one does not use such a line when in the middle of a small town full of hick girls.
Corollary: Even if you have the best haircut in the world, a stylist can butcher it in a second trying to be "original", or just being "fucking stupid".
Once you have found a hairstyle that you're happy with, make sure that you give clear instructions to whoever is cutting your hair. Don't be afraid to bring a picture in with you if you cannot properly articulate what it is you want. Most hairstylists will follow instructions well, and chances are if you leave them with vague instructions and are unsure of what you want, you will not be happy with the haircut you end up with.
Actually, let's just make a list of what NOT to do. DO NOT DO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:
Crew cuts
Bowl cuts
Beatles-style looks
Cuts requiring excessive use of a straightening iron
Cuts requiring pomade
Spiked hair that isn't razored
Mullets
Ponytails, esp. greasy ones
Pork chop sideburns
Anything involving vivid colors (green, red, blue, etc)
Bleach your hair that nasty yellow color.
Dye a part of your hair and leave the rest natural (like, dying your bangs)
Anything involving a "Swoop"
Anything in patterns or designs
"Cut around" your eyes
Hairdye
In the eventuality that you want to dye your hair in a way that does not scream of emo/punk/others, look into
Natural haircolours, blends of variatons thereof.
Even so, deeper, darker colours are preferable to light ones, which often tend to give unnatural contrasts to the hair.
o Still, pitch black is emo, don't do it
Streaks are fine as long as the color of the streaks is not too different from the base color
Cheap dye material will either have unwanted results or short term ones.
If you are unsure of what it'll be like, only die a short length of hair, so that you may cut it without damaging the overall haircut in case of troubles.
Dressing
Clothing is an essential part of life, mainly because the only time you seem to be allowed to not wear it is if you are a nudist, having sex, or in the shower. That's why most countries place a big emphasis on style and fashion- being able to take cloth that everyone wears and look good doing it.
Even though it makes little sense to some, wearing the right clothes with the right names can make all the difference in the world. Look at movie stars- some are insanely ugly, but with a little Grooming and some style, millions of people around the world are willing to kiss their ass. You don't have to have rock hard abs, either- the right fit for the right clothes can turn you from a computer geek into a gigolo.
It is important to realize that this tutorial takes a very general, somewhat stereotypic view on fashion and dress that will help you if you are totally clueless. It is entirely possible to wear clothing that goes against the rules. Nothing is set in stone. One could get away with wearing, say, suspenders if they were worn well, or even a trucker hat. A lot of it depends on you, your personality, and the right combinations. It all just depends on HOW you wear it. Shopping at Hot Topic exclusively may not be such a great idea, but buying some article of clothing there might just be okay. The saying holds true: The clothing don't make the man, the man makes the cloths.
The Very Basics
The very first thing you need to know about clothing is that for the most part, there are some things that everyone needs, bar none. This extends beyond underwear, too. So, before you even begin to look at yourself in the mirror and decide what you need clothing wise, realize you need at least the following basics:
Underwear- anything but tighty whities and "joke" boxers.
Pants- Jeans, Khakis, Shorts, and Dress pants.
Shirts- Undershirts, plain T-shirts, styled T-shirts, long sleeved shirts, tank tops.
"Overshirts"- Button down shirts, cheap suit jackets, etc.
Accessories- At least one belt, possibly a necklace or a ring of some kind, a watch, scarf, etc.
A Suit- a decent black or gray suit with normal conservative accessories- including a matching tie.
Outerwear- One jacket (leather is good), one coat (preferably without "THE NORTH FACE" or "MEMBERS ONLY" on it).
Everything above is obviously the basics, which means that you should probably have everything mentioned already. What may surprise you is that with the very basics listed above, you can probably look decent already, pending that the stuff you have is of decent quality. Guys have it easy so far as fashion goes in this realm, because the styles never change too radically much- which means that so long as you did some decent shopping 5 years ago (note: Members Only jackets not applying), you will probably do well today. Probably.
Another problem in recent days is that no matter how cool you are dressed, people will pay attention to how you behave. If you put on the best clothes ever, people will pay less, but still do, attention to how geeky you are, and they will remark it, I remember a few times when despite wearing the same type clothes as others, the same way as others, people would tell me I dress like crap, worse, sometimes i'd wear clothes in a certain way, and people would tell me it sucked, then the local alpha male would start using my ideas, and get laid over 9000 times for his brilliant ideas. It's not all about the clothes, it's about how your character fits in too.
Your style
Reference: (http://i.imgur.com/bm3y2OL.jpg)
Time for some introspective bullshit- you need to find out your particular style and work from there. Believe it or not, how you dress is how you appear to other people- those wearing a anklelength trenchcoat and backwards baseball hat looking radically different than those wearing Underarmor and running around with a football in their hand. With that being said, you need to figure out what you can pull off, and what you cannot.
This is remarkably easy nowadays, purely because you can always fall on looking generic and still looking good. However, the caveat to that is that you will look generic, meaning that standing out will be harder. That, of course, is a bad thing. You want to be the kind of guy that girls spontaneously orgasm over, not the kind that blends in.
So, let's first look at your primary deciding factor- your body type.
Ectomorphs
Ectomorphs are your skinny people who don't gain weight, but don't gain muscle either. If you need a good example, look at the majority of emo bands. The nice thing about being an ectomorph is that you don't have to worry about hiding your body type, but the catch to that is the fact that you will probably never have a very developed body to show off anyway. This body type is nice for girls- but for guys, you will need to try to do something to at least look masculine. Thankfully, you can pull it off with a lot of styles- you're the kind of people that chains like Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch aim for.
Mesomorphs
Mesomorphs are your natural strength people. A good example of this is your average body builder or athlete- muscular, powerful, and generally triangle-shaped. Mesomorphs tend to build muscle easily, and tend to retain it more than other body types. As the showmen Penn and Teller said on their show "Bullshit", it's like winning the gene lottery. However, being a mesomorph is hard- you will have to get used to buying special cut clothing to accommodate broad shoulders and/or big body features. The other issue with being a mesomorph is that you are restricted in your styles- such trendy things as Goth and Emo are completely out of your range.
Endomorphs
If being a Mesomorph is winning the gene lottery, being an Endomorph is losing it. Endomorphs are your naturally fat people- body types that, for one reason or another, have a nasty tendency to put on pounds at the drop of a hat. They are, ironically, close brothers with Mesomorphs in that the body type can build muscle quickly- but that muscle is usually accompanied with unsightly fat. Think of Jack Black or John Goodman- that kind of chubby. But, worry not- believe it or not, if you loosen up your personality and get the right clothing, you can beat out any Mesomorph or Ectomorph without even lifting a finger.
Once you have decided what you are above, you should already have an idea of what you can and cannot do. Mesomorphs should immediately begin focusing on weight training and building up their body- because if they do not, they can get pudgy and fat. Ectomorphs should look into
taking advantage of their lack of any heavy weight, and try to wear clothing that looks good on them. Endomorphs, as I mentioned above, should focus on loose clothing, relaxed fit kind of things that make you look like a party kind of guy. Shopping for Ideas
So, hopefully by now, you at least have this abstract vision in your head of what you want to be. However, that's not good enough to justify whipping out your wallet to get clothing. What you need is inspiration and ideas. And you're right on your top source: the interbutt.
The Internet is a great source for style ideas because you can get away with looking fucking everywhere for ideas and not spend too much time doing it. A great place to look for style ideas is, ironically, television channel websites. For those of us in the United States of America, we have a few key places we can check around:
MTV
Fox Network
NBC
Bravo TV
Personally, I'm the biggest fan of Bravo TV. There is a simple reason- it tends to be the most styleconscious. Bravo TV is a kind of modern YUPPIE television station, which means that you can get an idea of those new city fashion trends. MTV tends to be a good place as well- but of course, the catch to it being that the majority of people shown in their shows being immature and dressing likewise.
Of course, if you're looking for something a lot more detailed, there are a lot of places you can go for straight out help. Depending on your age, you may find GQ a great place to check out. Men's Health Magazine also tends to be a great place to find style tips. While both of these magazines tend to aim to 30-something professionals, they definitely can give you a heads up as to what you can do to look mature and fashionable.
There are a few key questions you need to keep in mind as you browse. Those are:
"Will I look good like this?"
"Does this clothing look like it will be stylish for a long time?"
"Will this attract the kind of girl I would be interested in?"
and of course,
"Can I afford this kind of style without taking a third mortgage out on my house?"
And once you find it, you should know. Try to remember that something you see that you like may not look good on you. Nonetheless, you should at least find one idea from the above websites, even if it is "I have a lot of work to do". And that's good.
Shopping for Clothing
Shopping for clothing is like shopping for Video Games- you need to know what you're looking for beforehand and stick to your guns. When you walk into a store, you should be able to at least have a few things in mind- what style you're looking for, what you're specifically looking to buy, and how much you're willing to pay for it. See, as good old Anonymous (and presumably male), you can't allow yourself to buy something and then only later realize you fucked up. Failure sucks.
So, with that in mind, get an idea of the stores that are available to you. Stores do indeed send a message. Don't believe me?
The Gap: Trendy, yet simple and clean.
Hot Topic: Goth, emo, etc.
Abercrombie and Fitch: Really rich trendy high schooler/university student with no sense of quality.
Hollister: Really trendy high schooler/university student. They own Abercrombie and Fitch, too, so basically it's just cheaper Abercrombie and Fitch stuff.
American Eagle: Trying to keep the trends of A&F and Hollister, but too cheap to pay the price for the real shit.
Aeropostale: One step above Old Navy.
Old Navy: The Gap, except much cheaper and much more generic. Basically what every single mother buys her 12 year old.
Eddie Bauer: More conservative clothing, usually good if you're going for the more professional look.
Lands End: Decent stuff, more outdoorsy. Nowadays, it's way overboard and tacky.
The North Face: Dumbass coats. Dumbass coats. Dumbass coats.
You see, even the name/brand that you wear sends a message. It's not the message of WHO you shopped at- it is literally the style that they carry. Wearing something from Hot Topic is the polar opposite of wearing something from Old Navy, no matter how you twist it. I suppose the same thing could be said about Louis Vuitton and Giorgio Armani, but we're all too poor for that shit.
You're probably lost by now. Trust me, no-one in their right mind besides some sort of godly fashion columnist can figure this shit out. All you need to do is walk into any store and look around and get an idea of what's going on inside. Hell, check out the people browsing insidethey probably are wearing some of the clothing already, or at least want to be wearing it.
Super Cool Trick #121
At this point, you probably want an easy way to get clothing without having to deal with all of this different clothing bullshit. There is an easy way to do this- rely on chicks. Yes, actually, women tend to be the best people to defer to on these subjects, because they generally will be able to figure out what makes you better looking. If you have a girlfriend (or a girl who is just a friend), you can definitely ask them. But hey, you probably don't.
That is where you get up your balls and show off some testosterone. Wear decent clothing that makes you look pretty reasonable. Walk into a store with a female employee, and directly say to
her "What could I wear that would make you want to date me?". Unless she's busy or a bitch, you will probably get a good answer. Or a phone number, which is even better. Wearing Clothing
There are few ways you can fuck up wearing clothing, but no doubt you need to learn them. Some rules (such as "White after Labor Day") do not really apply anymore, while some (white socks with brown shoes) continue to live to this day. With that being said, these are just the general rules you need to know when picking out "what to wear":
As mentioned above, No white socks with brown shoes. Just trust me on this one.
Unless you are wearing formal or semi-formal wear, do not tuck your shirt in ever.
Do not wear your sweater around your hips, you will look gay.
Do not wear a shirt and pants that match. Except if they are black.
Never wear a cell phone on your belt. That is geeky and stupid.
Unless you're trying to scare off potential dates, do not wear a ring on the third (ring) finger on your left hand. That's where marriage rings go.
Unless you are on the beach or in a very relaxed setting, do not wear sandals.
Keep leather shoes clean. Brown leather shoes are awesome and can be used for a ton of things, but they get dirty easily.
This is obvious: No pocket protectors, suspenders, or basically anything stereotypically geeky. Suspenders with a suit however, is very classy.
This is less obvious: Try to wear something other than a t-shirt and a pair of pants.
I will personally kill you if you wear your baseball hat backwards.
On the topic of hats, hats are to be worn sparingly, otherwise you'll look like a trucker.
Oh, speaking of truckers, trucker hats will make you look like a MTV tool, but they do fit in some cases.
Belts should never be tighter than the pants you have on. Buy fitting pants, or risk looking like you wear fucking Depends.
Do not ever wear a Hawaiian shirt and a undershirt/tank top. You will look like an idiot.
Sweatpants and sleepwear are only for exercise and sleeping, respectively. Girls and guys who think otherwise are ignorant.
Wear what you're doing. If you're going on a date, dress semi-formal yet relaxed. If you're going to a concert, band t-shirts are acceptable. Just scale up or down depending on what you plan to do that day.
Don't be that faggot that wears the band tshirt to that band's concert. It makes you look like a fag.
Endomorphs, wear an undershirt, and tuck it in. not only does this make loose fitting-clothing seem as intended (loose-fitting), it also prevents several major social-deathtraps. Motion is contained within the undershirt, so "jiggling" is no longer a mortifying issue. Nipples are hidden as well, though you probably shouldn't be wearing a T-shirt that tight in the first place. Tucking in the undershirt (not the overshirt, unless formal) also keeps your ass-crack unseen if you bend over. Don't forget to re-tuck your undershirt after stops to the restroom, or if you start feeling a draft.
Learn what colors go well together (not only with each other, but with you). Look at a color wheel if you can't figure out that red does not go with green. Complimentary colors, learn them, love them.
Bandanas hanging out of your ass pocket are cool ONLY if you aren't gangster. Do it if you want to pull off a Guns N Roses kind of vibe. WARNING: Don't do this in a gay area (unless you are, indeed, gay). It's used to identify what kind of sex you're into.
Jewelry and Accessories
As surprising as it may seem, men do have their own lineup of jewelry and accessories. These aren't nearly as varied as what women wear, but the same rules apply for guys as they do for girls. Don't wear your cowry-shell hemp necklace to a funeral, and don't walk around all day with a pocket watch. It just doesn't work. Here are some tips to hopefully get you started.
Casual Wear: A watch is pretty standard fare. Take your Fate/stay Night watch off and go get a respectable wristwatch for around $50. The Swatch company is a good place to start looking for a low-mid priced timepiece.
Evening Wear: A night out on the town calls for something a little dressier. A nice watch, and a ring will suffice just fine. A college ring or signet ring is about as fancy as you should get. Leave the limited edition Snoop Dogg pimpgear at home. A ring with a diamond or some other precious stone is acceptable, provided that it isn't gaudy or cheap-looking.
Formal Wear: Now you can get fancy. Cufflinks, tie clips, and rings are considered standard. A nice pocket watch on a chain shows a slight hint of class that many other people won't have.
Misc Tips and Tricks
Get women to help you. You wouldn't believe how many girls are willing to jump and assist you with your clothing. It may be a little invasive, but it helps.
Exercise actually does help your clothing. T-shirts on people with a defined chest look better than someone who has a washboard chest. Having a little muscle makes things better.
Re-wear jeans and some pants, never shirts. This really depends on how you sweat, but jeans and other "heavy" material pants can be re-worn safely. Just change your shirt- trust me, it will smell no matter what. Plus, you don't want to wear the same exact thing two times in a row. Unless you don't make a lot of money, in which case, this is okay, but for fucks sake, use deodorant.
If at all possible, wash clothing before you wear it the first time. It gets the "store smell" out of it, as well as makes it softer.
Wear clear deodorant. Especially with black clothing, white marks can show up. The same thing goes with dandruff- get it fixed. Especially with dark clothing, such things can be noticed.
If it has an unsightly stain, get rid of it. Jeans do not apply here- but for white shirts or anything formal, just accept that it died. You don't want to look like a greasy trucker.
Try to avoid shopping online. You can't see the clothes in actuality, you may end up getting something that doesn't fit you, or simply looks dumb on you.
It might seem odd, but buy a lint roller. It's a must have if you wear black clothes. If you walk around with white spots covering your shirts, not only will you look dirty, but people will assume you have terrible dandruff. You can also wrap clear sticky-tape around your hand with the sticky side outwards and LIGHTLY PAT your shirts, I'd only do this with normal fabric, it might ruin fancy stuff.
If you wear band shirts, do yourself a fucking favor and buy some fashionable ones. Yes, in fact, they DO exist. Even if you're a straight up banger, buying a classic rock band shirt can spark up a conversation with an interesting chick. A plus with these as they aren't all black, so you don't look like the exact same band bitch every day. Pick up a The Doors, or Jimi Hendrix shirt at Walmart for like 10 dollars. Maybe a cute girl will perhaps mention that she love Jim Morrison and his poetry. Let's face it, most girls don't listen to Cannibal Corpse.
Formal Wear
Formal wear is, among other things, a key to looking good, smart, and especially, not look out of place at a job interview, uppity party or in front of your (reverse) trap's parents.
Prerequisite being that you follow the rules, and do not make them, should you be making the rules of clothing, I see little reason for you to read this.
Some parts of this article may apply to more than just formal wear, guess which.
Men
Thankfully for us men, formal wear boils down to a suit and a shirt, or a much rarer tuxedo, which makes it easy for us to make a neater guide to doing it right.
Shirts
It's been discussed over and over again, but shirts are essential, and here are the basics.
More than likely, you will need to worry about color and fabric more than anything else- because that’s what most notice.
Fabric & Maintenance
Most shirts you will find nowadays are cotton, linen, polyester, or silk, or some blend thereof. It’s always best to check the shirt label for care instructions- most shirts can be cleaned in a washing machine, but some (silk ones specifically) cannot- so always keep careful.
Most are made with a matte texture (i.e. not shiny), however, many can be found with a satin style. In general, the latter are seen more with darker jewel colors, however, exceptions always apply. Much like color, the style of the cloth is largely dependent on how you intend to wear it.
Color, Patterns & Embroideries
Color
The color of shirts varies immensely. There is rarely a “normal” color shirt- however, in general, colors such as white and black are the most popular just for simplicity. For all intents and purposes, you should have at least one white shirt in your closet.
Only a few safety principles may apply:
Solid color shirts are preferable for formal environments.
Lighter shades for darker suits, darker shades for lighter suits
o There needs to be a visual cut between the jacket and the shirt
A pink shirt on a pink man is ugly
Try to avoid strong colors such as bright red, green and yellow.
Patterns and Embroideries
So far as patterns go, they are rarely found on traditional dress shirts to be worn with suits. It’s incredibly hard to find a pattern that works with a suit- but they do exist, albeit extremely conservative (such as different yet very close shaded stripes), so be open to the idea. Still, traditionally, plain dress shirts go best with suits. Personally, I’ve only seen stripes work well with suits so far as patterns are concerned, but there’s always room for improvisation.
Embroideries (the subtle, discreet ones) are one of the finer things in shirts, but the result of things is that most of these are extremely bold (and neat), sometimes over the top, and generally hard to find, while such a shirt is good(to a certain extent), reserve it for higher standard events(as long as the embroidery is not something ridiculous). There are shirts with discreet thread patterns in the fabric that often yield good results without too much trouble.
Any and all of these are harder to iron.
Cut
Sleeves
have to fully cover your wrists in any position of your arm (as much when your hand rests in your pocket as when it is spread above your head).
have to be tight enough when the cuffs are done
o if they are tight enough this doesn't apply, but loose fitting may do wrong if associated with sleeves too long
Collar
When buying a shirt, unless you plan it otherwise, make sure that the collar size fits you, that is, not tight and suffocating, but neither should there be space to stick more than a finger in it.
What you want to do is to mesure the girth of your neck, either, if you have a ruler by measuring it just under the adam's apple, or by asking in store, they should have that.
The collar size is generally tagged on shirts, choose the one that fits you best, selecting one the size above if necessary.
There are only really four collar styles you will ever run into:
Narrow to medium Spread (also known as “Kent” or “Business”) collars are what you will find on most shirts sold today. These are starched thick collars that range in their distance from the tie knot, and virtually every shirt maker will have a different play on this, but they all tend to look around the same style. More than likely, this will be your bread-and-butter, so stick with these unless you’re experimenting stylistically.
Wide (or “British”) Spread collars are not oftenly seen nowadays, and essentially are collars that point towards the far end of the collarbone (and sometimes to the shoulder) rather than pointing downwards, for lack of a better explanation. These are much more popular in Europe than America, but you can get them at good stores worldwide. When wearing a shirt like this, wider tie knots tend to look better (for example: Windsor).
Button-Down collars are just that- buttoned down at the ends with little buttons. You see these frequently on more informal oxford shirts and other styles clearly not meant to be worn with suits. They can be worn with a suit (you’ll see politicians do it when they try to be “informal”), but it’s not exactly that style-forward.
Club (or Round, Rounded) collars are collars where the ends are rounded off, instead of featuring a point. These are occasionally seen nowadays, but were much more popular in the early 1900s.
Cuffs
Thanks to the “lazification” of society, we can thankfully say that despite various trends that popped up in the mid-20th Century, there are but two styles of cuff you have to worry about:
Barrel Cuffs are cuffs that wrap around once and fasten with one button. Most dress shirts nowadays have two buttons for the barrel, which accounts for the odd “34/35″ numbers with most shirts- they are meant for two sizes. These are the most commonly seen, and probably what you will have the most of.
Single and French (or Double) Cuffs are best known as the cuff styles that require you have a cufflink. These, instead of having buttons for your shirt, just have two holes, in which you fasten with cufflinks and look pompous. These are actually very fashion forward, but are rarely seen in department stores nowadays.
Matching
Suits
Because a full suit set is better than a satellite one. Note: There are a LOT more styles of suit than this, however, this is covering the select examples you will generally run across in stores. Don’t bitch at me for not mentioning Zoot Suits or whatever. The Single Breasted Suit
Single Breasted
The Single Breasted suit is by far the most recognizable suit, and by far the most popular in society today, with a single row of buttons on one side.
There are some strange variations on the market of suits- many of them are entirely acceptable (and can be worn in many situations), but they do not comprise the “traditional” suit. A few examples:
Three Piece
Three Piece Suits are suits with a waistcoat, which you traditionally wear under the jacket. These are considered a bit more formal, but they are coming into more popularity as of recent. These are often excellent buys, as they allow you to go jacketless (within reason) and still look fully dressed, with more variations thereof.
Double Breasted
Double Breasted Suits are suits with two rows of buttons, resembling more of a pea coat than a suit coat. These are fairly acceptable in many situations, though they often create a unique silhouette that either flatters or harms the image of the wearer.
Tuxedo
Tuxedoes are suits in the very loosest sense, but they occupy an entirely different world, much like tailcoats do. they have unique “rules” for wear and often are much more formal (and much more expensive) than a suit.
There are plenty of other variations upon traditional suits throughout history, including but not limited to “Mao Suits”, Zoot Suits, Mod Suits, Beatle Suits… the list goes on. The long story short on these cuts is simple: don’t wear them.
Fabric & Color
Fabric is a big player, both in quality and color. Most modern suits come in “business” colorsgray, navy, charcoal, etc.- though green and brown are coming into vogue again. Typically, a well-dressed man will have one conservative color (such as charcoal) and then branch out from there. Many suits have a recognizable texture or pattern (such as pinstripes), which are generally acceptable when they are traditional. Most suits available nowadays are made out of wool, though there are strange variations on the market.
Pants
Cut
Pant Style is also a large part of the suit style. More modern suits have flat-front pants, which give a clear cut, modern look. Pleated pants feature a fabric fold (typically in the front of the pants) that allow for greater movement, but also often carry the connotation of being made for larger (fatter) frames.
Jackets
Three Button jackets are by far the most popular of these- meaning that there are three buttons (and the debate still rages on regarding how those buttons should be buttoned). Two Button suits, in comparison, have only two buttons (and it’s generally acceptable to button both of these buttons).
Vented jacket are suits with a “vent” (or cut) on the back of the suit. These typically come in three variations- single vented, double-vented, and no-vent style jackets. Most American styles tend to be Single-Vented, though there is no real problem with going double-vented (or novented).
There are a variety of other factors in a jacket. Sleeve Button Style is a player as always, with a varying number of buttons on the sleeve (generally one to four, though it doesn’t matter). Additionally, Pocket Style is a player occasionally, most formal suits having some variation of the flap pocket, though “patch pockets” are also in vogue for more informal suits (mostly just blazers). The recent trend is to have a second, smaller pocket on your right side to keep bank notes.
Cut
Because few run across the opportunity to have a suit cut specifically for them (virtually everyone reading this, including myself, do not have the luck), the suit cut is a very large player. While tailoring fixes many minor flaws, suits still have cut characteristics (referred to as the silhouette) which make the suit “hang” in various ways, so find something that you like. Most off-the-rack suits are made fairly shapeless, though many suits are now carried with “athletic” fits (bigger shoulders, smaller waists) and big fits (big waist, small shoulders). While you will inevitably always need to tailor a suit to get it “just right”, getting something that generally fits you well will save your tailor much heartache.
Sleeves most fully cover the wrist, being of equal length or slightly more than the sleeve length of your shirt.
Shoes
What do shoes say about a man? To your average man, they are nothing more than a comfortable way to get from point A to point B. Shoes are versatile and serve many purposes. Average
people do not seem to notice or care about the fashion statement that shoes make. A wellcultured man is not an average man and this should be reflected in his wardrobe. Shoes mean so much more than a means of comfort, they can define a man. A man does not wear a suit with sneakers because a suit is not meant to go with sneakers; moreover, a man does not wear casual clothes with square-toed pennies. It simply sends the signal of bad taste or a complete lack of understanding how an outfit is put together.
The right kind of shoe can say so much about a person and conversely, the wrong kind of shoe can do exactly the same thing. There are essential shoes of every man’s wardrobe. Every man must have dress shoes, fashionable run-around shoes and then the athletic shoes. Every man must have these three pairs of shoes to be the basis of a simple but respectable wardrobe. I believe whole-heartedly that fashion starts from the ground up.
The dress shoe is the secret weapon of well-cultured men. While it might not occur to you at first, dress shoes can go a long way. People notice shoes more often than you think because they can make or break an outfit. Dress shoes come in many different styles and price ranges so I will offer the best variety that I can.
So, to prevent absolute mishaps, I'm going to provide you an all-encompassing guide to dress shoesfrom lowly but classy oxfords to the most experimental of shoes.
Shoe Basics
Before we begin talking about shoes, let's touch on the terminology and the basics of shoes- that is, some of the phrases and ideas I'll reiterate in this article.
Dress shoes are largely (but not always) made with two distinct parts- the sole/heel section (typically either rubber or leather) and the top section, which typically includes cloth/leather and all forms of decoration from the toe box to the counter.
Shoes are typically made with a few key parts. The very back of the shoe is called the counter, a usually reinforced section of the shoe that cups the back of your entire foot. Going forward to about your mid arch is the top line, which is usually the "inner" fabric/leather that includes the holes for lacing. From there, there is sometimes what is called a vamp, or a "strip" of separate leather/cloth running from the mid arch to the top of the toes. Finally, the toecap is the very front part of the shoe, which is also typically reinforced like the counter to resist scuffing and damage.
As for the sole of the shoe, it is typically either a rubber or leather hard part of the shoe designed specifically to be walked on- usually reinforced on the outside and padded on the inside for maximum comfort and durability. More traditional (and often more stylish) shoes will have a heel, either in a standard or Cuban variation, which gives the rear of the shoe lift.
Of course, all of this terminology is incredibly vague and applies very loosely- as dress shoes vary with different styles and trends. So, let's do the good old Western thing- divide and categorize.
Styles of Dress Shoes
For the sake of this article (and both of our minds), let's simplify the varied categories of dress shoes into three different styles- oxfords, loafers, and boots.
Oxfords (also known as lace-ups) are the most traditional and versatile shoe- traditionally, a leather shoe with laces. Oxfords range from all forms of styles, colors, brands, and even the number of eyelets in the shoes- but in a very loose sense, any "dress shoe" with lacing is an oxford.
Loafers are essentially any shoes that do not include laces- the kind of shoes you can slip your feet into easily. These also come in a variety of styles- including monk straps, a form of "buckled" shoes which I include in this category somewhat arbitrarily- but nonetheless are just shoes without laces.
Boots are a third category which include shoes that typically extend to the ankle or further. The reason these are generally separated is not only the style itself being radically different but also because boots are typically the only kind of dress shoes you will find that have zippers and, in some cases (specifically Chelsea Boots), elastic.
Toe Styles
As if the above wasn't complex enough, there are also styles based on the toe style of the shoe. In most stores, once you have decided on what style you have chosen above (boots, loafers, and oxfords), you get the "fun" of getting to look through all sorts of toe styles.
While there are infinite variations of toe styles, they typically boil down into a few core stylesPlain Toe, Apron/Moc Toe, Cap Toe, Wing Tip, Bicycle Toe, and Medallion.
Plain Toe shoes are exactly what the name infers- they are shoes without any form of design on the front. Typically, this means that the vamp and the toe box/toe cap are "merged" into one, leaving a very clean and modern look to the shoe- but often the look can be incredibly plain. This is very common in boots and some brands of oxford shoes.
o A subset of Plain Toe shoes, Medallion toes are shoes with a design on the topessentially something stitched or punched into the top. These are incredibly rare to find, but interesting- yet often a shade too casual for formalwear.
Apron Toe shoes (also known as moc toe- the two are often blended/mixed) are shoes with a separate piece of leather that extends from the very bottom of the top line around the shoe itself, giving the impression of a "crease" (a stiching line) between the top of the toe and the bottom, like a draped apron. These are becoming popular in casual shoes- and when done incorrectly, can be boxy and uglier than sin- but when done correctly, are very fashionable. These are more present in loafers than oxfords/boots, but are found everywhere.
Cap Toe shoes are by far the most traditional and fit the above mentioned vocabularysimply having a "cap" of reinforced leather on the shoe. These are present VERY frequently in both oxfords and boots. Cap toes are essentially timeless style, and you can almost never go wrong- though cap toe shoes can also be boring for constant wear.
Wing Tip shoes are found very often in (cowboy) boots and some more casual oxfordsthey are essentially a merging of cap toes and apron toes, giving a kind of "wing" effect
that extends the cap around the sides of the foot. Traditionally, these contain broguing, which I will explain below. Wing tip shoes are excellent choices like cap toes, but can very rarely come off as too casual for extreme formal wear.
Bicycle Toe shoes are essentially apron toe shoes without the very front. Instead of having the leather wrap entirely around the shoe, it only extends on the sides, allowing the very top of the shoe to extend down the front of the shoe in one long design.
Other Common Variations
Just to make this even more complex, there are other variations that can occur with shoes.
Broguing
Broguing is by far one of the most popular features in men's dress shoes. Originally designed in Ireland and Scotland to allow water in the shoe to escape (instead of pooling inside), the stylish ways in which these holes were applied proved attractive and popular. Nowadays, broguing rarely (if ever) extends all the way through the shoe, and usually is simply done simply for ornamental purposes.
Monk Straps are shoes that, instead of featuring lacing or the common loafer style, have a literal buckle (of varying styles) on the front of the shoe to secure it to your foot. There's not much to say about these- they work very well casually, but sometimes are a shade too casual for dress purposes.
Heel styles are also of issue with many dress shoes. Increasingly, for some god awful reason, dress shoes now vary between traditional heels for shoes (with defined heels usually a half inch or so high) or soles of a single flat piece of rubber, essentially the difference between running shoes and skating shoes. Legitimate heels are generally always much more fashionable and manageable than the "flat" soles becoming more popular. Period.
Pointed toe shoes are becoming more popular now for some reason, and generally take cues from women's shoes in many respects. While these are often touted as "fashion shoes", allow me to set the record straight: overly pointed shoes can and will make you look like a clown. Slightly pointed shoes are okay- spikes are not.<
Eyelet number and style also can come into play, though this kind of thing is rarely played with (as many brands seem paranoid to sacrifice fit for the sake of look). Some brands will occasionally reduce the number of eyelets in the shoe to extend the vamp/toe and reduce the amount of visible lacing- leading to a much more clean toe. In the opposite direction, some dress boots (rarely) increase the number of eyelets as if to reference military style boots, having eyelets all the way up to the top of the shoe. These variations are generally just personal preference.
Sole Material is a VERY important topic. While many casual shoes come with rubber soles which can last seemingly forever, many dress shoes (mainly oxfords) can come with a leather sole designed specifically to be worn in clean, indoor scenarios- basically, meaning shoes you can't go tromping around outside in. The latter are, naturally, much more classic and appropriate for dress wear, but it stands to reason that it is sometimes prudent to sacrifice style for the sake of durability- because you really don't want to pay every few months to have your shoes re-soled.
and Locations
And you thought I was done with variations.
As you will no doubt find if you go shopping even in the most extensive of stores, shoes are difficult to shop for- oftentimes, you have to balance look, functionality, and comfort, all while making sure the price isn't absolutely ridiculous for no reason whatsoever.
With that being said, many different brands carry a variety of different styles, and oftentimes, you have to look around to find your "perfect" shoe. Generally, the most popular of brands are names such as Johnston and Murphy, Giorgio Brutini, Bostonian, Steve Madden, Nunn Bush, and Rockport. These names can do very well or very horribly- but it never hurts to check them out. Many designers also have very solid shoe lines- names such as Kenneth Cole (and by inference Kenneth Cole Reaction), Hugo Boss, and many more. Of course, many other designers carry various smaller lines, including Polo Ralph Lauren, among others.
While I would love to provide you an all-affirming answer to the question of where-to-shop, I cannot honestly tell you where to go. I personally have had shoes by various brands, and even though I've loved certain shoes, that does not always reflect well on either the style or the quality of a particular brand.
Yes, it's a pain. So then, what are you to do?
So, what should I buy?
If you are looking for a traditional dress shoe, you are always safe with a black or cordovan cap toe shoe with a nice heel. Black shoes go well with black or some gray suits, whereas cordovan works well with a variety of colored suits (notably blue suits). Look for a shoe that fits well, looks "slender" (no "fat" shoes), and has a very high quality leather- even shoes with "hard&" leather will tame eventually, but cheap shoes fall apart in seconds.
If you are looking for something to wear casually with dress pants, consider classy loafers. No, Sperry’s do not count. Be it a monk strap or a traditional loafer, loafers are a great asset to be worn in a business casual setting, and they are relatively low maintenance shoes. Much like the above, stick with a black or cordovan for best effect.
If you want something to replace the "usual" sneakers, look for brogue wing-tips, boots, or other forms of "semi-casual" dress shoes. Dark brown wing tips have a distinct "boot" look that look wonderful with jeans or other forms of casual pants without looking too dressy. Of course, you can never go wrong with a classy black boot- zip boots or chelsea boots, while sometimes ostentatious, have a very clean and interesting line that can be very fashionable, even in jeans.
For more ideas, http://www.wellcultured.com/fashion/124/a-crash-course-on-shoes I recommend you read Daniel's guide, including some great recommendations on the topic.
No matter what you do, though, as I've said before on many articles about clothing, classic trumps cutting edge fashion. While it seems ridiculous to advocate the status quo in the face of change, there are some styles- many of the above I have mentioned- which do not fluctuate over the years and will last you a long time. Shoes, much like coats and other large purchases, last a very long time- Don’t buy something that will only be in style for a year. When it comes to dress shoes, classic style always trumps trend- no matter how many times modern trends may try to kick it in the shins with spiked heels.
Ties & Company
Fabric
Silk ties are generally of very fine quality, but this also happens to be a drawback, as most silk ties are thin to the point where making a correct tie knot becomes difficult, whether it is the length of the tie, or the hold and size of the knot, prefer larger knots for these.
Color & Patterns
Generally the "color cut" that is appreciated for shirts relative to jackets works pretty well for ties relative to shirts, which is why you'll often see a dark tie on a white shirt under a dark jacket.
On that note you should always have a black tie
Unlike for shirts though, you may make a much fancier choice of tie, colorful ties are quite trendy, a single quick Google search will show you.
Stripes are often done, but solid color is still a sound choice
Tying
Because you're not a man unless you can make your own knot. Most knots suppose there are respectively a thinner and wider end to your tie. The perfection of most knots is highly dependent on the length of your tie, and as such you will need to readjust them. It is generally accepted that a good tie has the wide end just above the waistband. Drawn explanations and (possibly) videos might come, I just haven't managed to make a clear video example.
A general assumption is that that bigger the knot, the more formal it is, side note, the bow tie note is not that big, but a bow tie in itself is much more formal, more for use with a tuxedo (otherwise it might give a barman feeling).
Normal
Keep the thin end vertical
Make a full circle around it with the larger end (keeping the wider end below the rest)
Slip the wider end behind the whole thing
Slip it inside the strip that rounds the thinner end from above
Pull on it while holding the knot
Windsor (double)
Keep the thin end vertical
Make a full circle around it with the larger end (keeping in above the rest (inside))
Pass it in front of the thinner end and have it make a full circle around itself from behind
Make a thrid full circle around the thin end
Slip it behind and in the last circle you made
Pull on wider end while holding the lower part of the knot
Bow Tie
I won't lie, this is the hardest of the three, so hard I have been stuck trying to find an explanation for a few weeks now.
Neckerchief/Neck Cloth
Pinnacle of formality this is, you might see this once in a while in very uppity weddings and the such. The point being to use a very light piece of cloth, such as a silk scarf, and tie it in the way you would for a tie or for shoestrings (as to make a bow).
Waistcoats
Unless you set your mind on a three piece suit, this would be what you want to read regarding waistcoats.
Fabric Color
Keep the color as close to that of the jacket as possible, if you are not wearing a jacket, make sure the color makes a visual cut with that of the shirt.
Ironing & Maintenance
Unless you are willing to invest in one no iron shirt instead of a dozen normal ones, it has to be done, no way out of this, wrinkly formal clothes will make you look worse than if you weren't wearing any formal clothes, so get started, you're a big guy, you don't need a trap's help.
Material
To get:
Full sized ironing board
o small ones are terrible and you'd prefer a sofa arm or a covered table to do the task; on top of that large ones fold and take little place thus.
o A cover for the board if there is not one already
An iron, obviously
o if you're broke, the cheapest ones do the work, if not, you may get one with better features such as non stick pad and continuous steam on/off switch.
A sheet of ironing cover "fabric"(not necessary, helps prevent burning and slides better)
Fabric starch (not necessary either, better to learn without, makes it that much easier later)
Getting started
Generalities
Ironing can be done dry or relatively humid, but not wet
If you do not know the settings to use on a piece of clothing, use the lowest temperature and steam and increase it step by step until you feel it is too hot, finer fabrics require lower temperatures.
o Temperatures too high will damage the fabric and risks leaving burned traces on your iron, making it harder to use for less results.
For an easier time, keep the clothes you want to iron on hangers after washing them, they will "breathe" a bit and the fabric will slightly straighten itself naturally.
o Shirts should hang from the yoke of the shirt (i.e. the shoulders) correctly. While there are always exceptions, properly hanging shirts have the wire (or wood) of the hanger under the very middle of the shoulder and have the shirt tag in the very middle of the hanger.
Pants should be hung evenly on the pleats/creases. By ensuring that clothes hang correctly, they will hang better on you (no pun intended)- which is exactly what you want.
Shirt
Easiest to fuck up, start with a shirt that is not indispensable.
o make utmost use of the corners of the board, most will have some kind of use for a specific section
check tag for instructions and others
set iron on appropriate heat
unbutton shirt
unfold collar, flatten collar, iron collar, fold collar, flatten collar, iron collar again
do one sleeve
o lay the sleeve flat on your ironing board, set the lower seam on the edge, and use your hand to hold it down
o iron over the seam only to set it right (and to the corresponding edge of the cuff)
o pinch the fabric on the other side of the sleeve and pull to ensure the fabric is flat on both sides of the sleeve
keep checking for wrinkles and act accordingly
o iron the cuff
o pull on the cuff and iron from it to the armpit on the lower part (where the seam should be)
o then go from armpit to shoulder
o keep pulling on the cuff while now holding it slightly above the board, slowly slide the iron from shoulder to cuff (with a slight outward movement to set the upper edge)
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came a great tearing sound in the air As the bird came it set up a terrific screeching and the noise that it made with the beating of its wings was like thunder-claps. Down it swooped on the man of wood, claws outstretched and beak open, and in another moment it had seized the figure and was trying to lift it. The more the figure resisted, the tighter the evil bird held, its claws and beak fast sunk in the wood. So fearful were its struggles that the earth about the root of the tree heaved, and it seemed as if the roots would be torn out bodily. Then finding that it could not move the thing, the bird made to fly away, but its talons and beak were held by the wood as if in a vise. All its flappings and tearings then were of no avail, and try as it would, it could not release itself. Faster and harder it beat its wings and the wind from them bowed the bushes and shook the house in which Borac was hidden.
Then Borac came forth with magic feather and magic knot, and was soon in the air above the struggling bird. Hovering there he unloosed the thread with the magic knot and lowered it. Down it dropped and was soon entangled in the beating wings like a web about a fly, and, slight though the thread was, against the power of the magic knot nothing could prevail. So in a short time the great black bird was bound for ever.
In the morning Borac flew to the nest in the far valley and went down into the pit in which were the unlucky ones that the bird had caught. One by one he carried them from that place and to their homes. As for the egg, putting his shoulder against it he tumbled it from the ledge where the nest was, and it fell and was smashed to pieces. So there was an end of the evil bird, which soon died; and it was the last of its kind; and to-day, of all the birds of the air, there are none to do harm to man.
THE BAD WISHERS
OR days and days and for weeks and weeks Canassa and I rode to the south, and the only break in our days was when we changed our tired horses for fresh ones. That we did sometimes four times in the day. We had plenty of choice, for we were driving some three hundred mares and colts. Canassa was a gaucho, a plainsman, as we would say, and a most excellent horseman, so he made nothing at all of catching an unbroken colt with his lasso and saddling and riding it, doing his share of the driving with the horse new to saddle.
With so much of it I grew tired, and one night as we sat about our little campfire heating water for our maté, the tea we made from herbs, I said that I wished the job was at an end.
Canassa strummed his guitar awhile, then laid it aside and said: “Wishes are no good and he who wishes, risks. For why? Whenever you wish, you leave out something that should not be left out, and so things go wrong.”
I told him that a small wish might be all right, but this he would not allow. Things had to go just so, he said, and no one in the world was wise enough to wish things as they should be wished. Then, in the way of the men of the pampas, he told me a tale to prove the truth of what he said, and this was the tale:
Once there was a woman in Paraguay who had no children and she wished day and night for a boy and a girl. She did more than wish, going to a place in the woods where were wild sweet limes and oranges and lemons, and where the pools were covered with great leaves of waterliles, and in the quiet of that place she made a song about the children she wished for. In that song she sang of the boy as handsome and swift of foot and strong of arm, and she sang of the girl as a light creature with keen eyes and silken hair. Day after day she did this and at last her wish came true, for she had a boy and a girl and the boy was straight-limbed and well made and the girl as lovely as a flower of the air.
So far, so good. But that was not the end. The woman had wished that the boy might be strong and brave and swift and all these he was. But she had not thought of other things, and, sad to say, he lacked sight. For him there was neither day nor night, neither sun nor moon, neither green of the pampas nor blue of the sky. As for the girl, it is true that she had sight so keen that she could see the eye of a humming-bird at a hundred paces, but her legs were withered and useless and she could not walk, for the mother in wishing had said nothing of her health and strength. To crawl about, helping herself with her hands, was as much as she could do.
Seeing what had come to pass the mother was very sad, for her dream had become a very pesadilla, a nightmare. So she grieved and each day grew paler, and at last one evening caught her children in her arms and kissed them and they saw her no more, the neighbours next morning telling them that she had died.
Now one day when the children were well grown, there came to the house in which they lived a man in a torn poncho who said that he had walked hundreds of miles, from the land of the Noseless People where it is always cold. He was tired and hungry and torn with thorn-bushes, and his feet were cut with stones. So the boy and girl took him into the house and gave him water to wash himself with and chipa bread made of mandioca flour and sweet raspadura in banana leaves. When he was well rested and refreshed, in return for their great kindness he told them of a strange old witch-woman who
lived far away, one who knew many secrets by means of which she could do wonderful things.
“In a turn of the hand,” said he, “she could make the girl strong of limb and with another turn could restore sight to the lad.”
Then he went on to tell of other witches that he knew, saying that there were many who were not all bad, but like men, were a mixture. True, they sometimes kept children, but that was not to be laid to their meanness but rather to their love of beauty. “For,” he said, “it is no more wrong to keep a child to look at than it is to pluck a flower or to cage a bird. Or, to put it another way, it is as wrong to cage a bird as it is to steal a child.”
The meal being done the three of them sang a little, and the sun being set the old man bade them good-night and stretched out under a tree to sleep, and the next morning before the children awoke he had gone.
All that day brother and sister talked much of what the old man had told them, and the girl’s face flushed red and her eyes were bright as she looked at her brother and thought of how sweet it would be if he could see the mists of the morning and the cool cleanness of the night. Meanwhile he in his dark world wondered how he could find his way to the witch and persuade her to work her magic, so that his sister might be able to go up and down, and to skip and dance on limbs that were alive. So at last they fell to talking, and the end of it all was that they started on a journey to the witch, the brother carrying the sister on his shoulder while she guided him safely through thorn-thicket, past swamps where alligators lay hidden, and through valleys where bushy palmetto grew shoulder high. Each night they found some cool place where was a spring of crystal, or a pool of dark sweet water, and at last they came to the little hills where the witch lived.
They found that all was as the old man had said, for the witch was a lonely creature who saw few, because few passed that way. She was glad enough to see her visitors and led them to a fragrant leafy place, and seeing that the girl was drooping like a wind-wearied bird, did what things she could. To the boy she told tales of the birds and the golden light of the sun and the green of spreading branches,
thinking that with her tales they would be comforted and content to stay with her in her soft green valley. But the more she did for their comfort and the more she told them of the wonders of the world, the greater was their desire to be whole, the girl with her limbs unbound, the boy with his eyes unsealed.
Before long the lad told the witch of the old man’s visit and of their hopes that had led them to take the great journey, and then the old woman’s heart fell as she saw her dream of companionship vanish. She knew that as soon as they were whole again they would leave her as the birds that she fed and tended in nesting time left her when winter came. Then she told them no more pleasant tales, but tales of things dead and cold, of gray skies and desert places, of tangled forests where evil things lived.
“It is better not to see at all,” she said, “than to see foul things and heart-searing things.”
But the boy spoke up and said:
“There being such things, the more I would have my eyesight, so that I might clear those tangled forests of the evil beasts of which you speak.”
Hearing that, the witch sighed, though her heart was glad at the boy’s words. So she turned to the girl, telling her of the harm that sometimes came to those who walked, of the creatures that do violence and scratch and maul; of stocks and stones that hurt and cut tender feet; of venomous things that hide under rocks. But the girl heard patiently, then clasped her hands and said:
“And that is all the more reason that I ask what I ask, for with feet light and active I can skip away from the hurtful things, if indeed my brother does not kill them.”
“Well,” said the witch, “perhaps when you know the beauty of the place in which I live, you will be content to stay with me. I must do what you ask because you are what you are by reason of a wish that went wrong. Now to get the magic leaves with which to cure you I must take a journey of a day and a night, and it is part of the magic that those who would be cured must do a task. So to-morrow while I am away you must work, and if I find the task finished you shall be
cured. But if you should not finish the task, then all will remain as it is; but I will be eyes for the boy, telling him of the fine things of the world, and for the girl I will be as limbs, running for her, working for her. But I shall do and not wish. Truth is that I would gladly see both of you whole again, but then you would go away, and I sorely lack companionship.”
After a little the witch said to the girl:
“Tell me, little one, if this place were yours what would you do to make it better to live in?”
“I would,” answered the girl, “have all the thorn-bushes taken away that are now in the little forest behind the house, so that Brother could walk about without being scratched and torn.”
“That is fair enough,” said the witch. “And you, boy, what would your wish be?”
“I would have all the little stones that are in the valley taken away, so that Sister could play on the soft grass without being hurt.”
“Well,” said the witch, “it is in the magic that you set your own tasks. So the boy must have every stone cleared away before I return and the girl must see to it that there are no more thornbushes. Hard are the things that you have wished.”
After the witch had gone there was no joy in the hearts of the children, for it seemed impossible that a blind boy should gather the stones and no more possible for a lame girl to clear the forest. There was a little time in which they tried, but they had to give up. So they stood wondering, and for a moment thought of starting for their own home.
Suddenly, strange to tell, who should come over the hill but the old man in the torn poncho, and they were both very glad to see him. After he had rested awhile they told him their troubles and spoke of their grief because, in spite of all their efforts, it seemed as though all must come to naught.
“I wish——” began the boy, but the old man stopped him with lifted finger.
“Wishing never does,” he said. “But help does much and many can help one.” He put his fingers to his mouth and gave a peculiar whistle, and at once the sky was darkened with birds and each bird dropped to the ground, picked up a stone and flew away with it, so that the valley was cleared in a moment. He gave another whistle and from everywhere came rabbits which ran into the woods, skipping and leaping, and at once set to work to gnaw the stems of the bushes. And as soon as the bushes fell, foxes came and dragged them away, so that in an hour the forest was clear, and when the witch came back, behold, the set task was done!
So the witch took the leaves that she had brought and made a brew of them, giving the liquid to brother and sister to drink. “But,” said she, “see to it that you speak no word, for if you do before sunset, then back you go to your old state.”
Both promised that heartily and drank. But as soon as the boy saw the green of the grass, and the blue and crimson and purple flowers, and the humming-birds like living diamonds in the shade, he called out in his great joy:
“Oh, Sister, see how beautiful!” and at once he was in utter darkness again. At the same moment, feeling her limbs strong, the girl was filled with such delight that she tossed her arms into the air and danced. Then from her came a keen cry of pain as she heard her brother’s cry and knew that he was blind again. There was a moment when she wanted to lose all that she had gained so that she could tell her brother that she shared his grief, but she remembered that being strong she could help him in his pain, so she went to him and took him by the hand and kissed his cheek.
At sunset the boy, who had been sitting quiet, spoke, turning his sightless face to the witch.
“You have tried to be good to us,” he said, “and you have been as kind as it lay in your power to be. Since Sister is well, I am content. And I have seen the beauty of the world, though it was in a flash. So, mother witch, since you have not been able to give us all we ask, we will give you all that we have. Come, then, to the place where we live and see the things that we love, the birds and the flowers and the
trees, and we will try in kindness to repay you for what you have done.”
Hearing that, the witch suddenly burst into singing and handclapping and told them that the spell was broken because she had been befriended.
“No witch am I,” she said, “but your own mother who did not die, but was changed to this form for vain wishes.”
Then the boy regained his sight and the mother became as she had been, tall and straight and beautiful and kind, and the three of them went to their old home and lived there for many years, very happy and contented.
THE HUNGRY OLD WITCH
HE was a witch, she was very old, and she was always hungry, and she lived long ago near a forest where now is Uruguay, and just in the corner where Brazil and Argentina touch. They were the days when mighty beasts moved in the marshes and when strange creatures with wings like bats flew in the air. There were also great worms then, so strong that they bored through mountains and rocks as an ordinary worm makes its way through clay. The size and the strength of the old witch may be guessed when you know that she
once caught one of the giant worms and killed it for the sake of the stone in its head. And there is this about the stone—it is green in colour and shaped like an arrow-head a little blunted, and precious for those who know the secret, because he who has one may fly through the air between sunrise and sunset, but never in the night.
The old witch had another secret thing. It was a powder, and the knowledge of how to make it was hers alone and is now lost. All that is known of it is that it was made from the dried bodies of tree-frogs mixed with goat’s milk. With it she could, by sprinkling a little of it where wanted, make things grow wonderfully. She could also turn plants to animals with it, or change vines into serpents, thorn-bushes into foxes, little leaves into ants. Living creatures she also changed, turning cats into jaguars, lizards into alligators, and bats into horrible flying things.
This old witch had lived for hundreds of years, so long indeed that the memory of men did not know a time when she was not, and fathers and grandfathers and great grandfathers all had the same tale to tell of how she had always devoured cattle and pigs and goats, making no account at all of carrying off in one night all the animals of a village. To be sure, some had tried to fight her by shooting arrows, but it was of no use, for by her magic the shafts were bent into a shape like a letter V as soon as they touched her. So in time it came about that men would put outside the village in a corral one half of what they had raised in a year, letting the old witch take it, hoping that thus she would leave them in peace.
At last there grew up a lad, a sober fellow of courage, who said little and thought much, and he refused to take animals to the corral when the time came for the old witch to visit that place.
When the people asked him his reason for refusing, he said that he had had a dream in which he saw himself as a bird in a cage, but when he had been there a little while a sweet climbing vine had grown up about the cage and on this vine was a white flower which twisted its way in between the bars. Then, as he looked at it, the flower changed to a smiling maiden who held a golden key in her hand. This key she had given to him and with it he had opened the door of the cage. So, he went on to say, both he and the maiden had
gone away What the end of the dream was he did not know, for at that point he had wakened with the sound of singing and music in his ears, from which he judged that all turned out well, though he had not seen the end of it.
Because of this dream and what it might betoken he said that he would not put anything in the corral for the old witch, but instead would venture forth and seek her out, to the end that the land might be free from her witcheries and evil work. Nor could any persuade him to the contrary.
“It is not right,” he said, “that we should give away for nothing that which we have grown and tended and learned to love, nor is it right that we should feed and fatten the evil thing that destroys us.”
So the wise men of that place named the lad by a word which means Stout Heart, and because he was loved by all, many trembled and turned pale when the morning came on which he took his lance and alone went off into the forest, ready for whatever might befall.
For three days Stout Heart walked, and at last came to a place all grassy and flowery, where he sat down by the side of a lake under a tree. He was tired, for he had walked far that day and found that slumber began to overtake him. That was well enough, for he was used to sleep under the bare heavens, but with his slumber came confused dreams of harmful things which he seemed to see coming out of the ground, so he climbed into the tree, where he found a resting-place among the branches and was soon asleep.
While he slept there came to the side of the lake the old witch, who cast her basket net into the water and began to fish, and as she fished she sang in a croaking and harsh voice this:
“Things in the air, Things in the water— Nothing is fair, So come to the slaughter.”
They were not the words, but that is what the words meant. But unpleasant as was the song, yet it worked a kind of charm, and things came to her, so that her basket net was filled again and again.
The fish she cast into a kind of wicker cage, of which she had several.
Soon the croaking song chased sleep from the eyes of Stout Heart, and looking down he saw the wrinkled crone and the great pile of fish that she had cast on the bank, and his heart was grieved for two things—one that there was such waste of good life, the other that he had left his spear hidden in the grass. He grieved too, a little, because he knew that on account of his long walk he was weak from hunger and thirst. So there seemed little that could be done and he sat very still, trusting that until he was better prepared for action the old witch would not see him.
But all his stillness was of no avail. Looking at the shadow of the tree as it lay upon the surface of the water, she saw the lad’s shadow. Then she looked up and saw him. Had she had her magic green stone with her, things would have been far different and this tale all the shorter. But not having it and being quite unable to climb trees, she said:
“You are faint and hungry. Come down, come down, good lad, for I have much here that is good to eat.”
Hearing that, Stout Heart laughed, knowing that she was not to be trusted, and he told her that he was very well indeed where he was. So she tried another trick, spreading on the grass fruits and berries, and saying in a wheedling voice:
“Come, son, eat with me. I do not like to eat alone. Here are fresh fruits and here is honey. Come down that I may talk with you and treat you as a son, for I am very lonesome.”
But Stout Heart still laughed at her, although, to be sure, he was a lad of great appetite and his hungriness increased in him.
“Have you any other trap to set for me?” he asked.
Hearing that, the witch fell into a black and terrible rage, dancing about and gnashing her teeth, frothing at the mouth and hooking her long nails at him like a cat, and the sight of her was very horrible, but the lad kept his heart up and was well content with his place in the tree, the more as he saw her great strength. For in her rage she plucked a great rock the size of a man’s body from the earth where it
was sunk deep, and cast it at the tree with such force that the tree shook from root to tip.
For a moment the old witch stood with knit brows, then she went on her hands and knees and fell to gathering up blades of grass until she had a little heap. All the time she was cursing and groaning, grumbling and snarling like a cat. When she had gathered enough grass she stood up and began to sprinkle a grayish powder over the grass heap, and as she did this she talked mumblingly, saying:
“Creep and crawl—creep and crawl!
Up the tree-trunk, on the branch.
Creep and crawl—creep and crawl!
Over leaf and over twig. Seek and find the living thing. Pinch him, bite him, torture him.
Creep and crawl—creep and crawl! Make him drop like rotting fruit.”
So she went on, moving about in a little circle and sprinkling the powder over the grass. Presently the pile of grass began to move as if it hid some living thing, and soon the grass blades became smaller, rounded themselves, and turned brown. Then from them shot out fine hair-like points which became legs, and so each separate leaf turned to an ant. To the tree they scurried and up the trunk they swarmed, a little army marching over every leaf and twig until the green became brown, and louder and louder the old witch screamed, waving her arms the while:
“Creep and crawl—creep and crawl! Up the tree-trunk, on the branch. Creep and crawl—creep and crawl!”
The nearer to Stout Heart that they came, the louder she shrieked, leaping about and waving her long-taloned hands as she ordered:
“Seek and find the living thing.”
Then Stout Heart knew that trouble was brewing indeed, for against so many enemies there was no fighting. For a time he avoided them, but for a time only, and that by going higher and higher in the tree, crawling along the branch that hung over the lake, but nearer and nearer the ants came, and louder she bade them to
“Pinch him, bite him, torture him.”
At last there was nothing for it but to drop out of the tree, for he had been hanging to the end of a branch and the ants were already swarming over his hands and some running down his arms. So he let go his hold and went into the lake with a splash, down out of the sunshine and into the cool green-blue of the waters. He swam a little, trying to get out of the way before coming up, but had to put his head out soon to get a breath. Then suddenly he seemed to be in the middle of something that was moving about strangely, and it was with a sudden leaping of the heart that he found himself in the old witch’s basket net being drawn ashore. To be sure, he struggled and tried to escape, but it was of no use. What with her magic and her strength he was no more in her hands than is a little fish in the hands of a man. He was all mixed up with other lake things, with fish and with scum, with water-beetles and sticky weed, with mud and with wriggling creatures, and presently he found himself toppled head foremost into a basket, all dazed and weak. It was dark there, but by the bumping he knew that he was being carried somewhere.
Soon he was tumbled into an evil-smelling place and must have fallen into a trance, or slept. Again, he may not have known what passed because of the old witch’s enchantments, for when he came to himself he did not know whether he had been there for a long time or a little. But soon he made out that he was in a stone house and through a small hole in the wall saw that the place where the house stood was bare of grass and full of great gray rocks, and he remembered his dream and thought that it was all very unlike what had really happened.
But in that he was not altogether right, for while he was in no cage and no twining vine with glorious flower was there, yet there was something else. For after a little while a door opened, and he
saw standing in a light that nearly blinded him with its brightness a maiden full of winning grace, and light and slender, who stretched out her hand to him and led him out of the dark into a great hall of stone with a vast fireplace. Then having heard his story, which brought tears to her blue eyes, she opened a lattice and showed him a little room where he might hide.
“For,” said she, “I also was brought to this place long ago, and when I came the old witch killed one who was her slave before me. But before she died she told me the story of the green stone which the witch has, and also how were used the magic powders. Since then I have been here alone and have been her slave. But now she will kill me and will keep you for her servant until she tires of you, when she will catch another. And so it has been for many, many years, and each one that dies has told the power of the green stone to the other, though none had dared to use it.”
Now hearing all that, Stout Heart was all for running away at once and taking the maiden from that dreadful place, but just as he opened his mouth to speak there came to their ears the voice of the old witch.
“Hide then,” said the maiden, “and all may yet go well. For I must go to get the green stone by means of which we may fly. With you I will dare. Alone I was afraid to venture.”
Even then he hesitated and did not wish to hide, but she thrust him into a little room and closed the door. Through the wall he heard the witch enter and throw a pile of wood on the hearth.
“I have a new prize,” said the ogress. “You I have fattened long enough and now you must be my meal. One slave at a time is enough for me, and the lad will do. Go then, fetch pepper and salt, red pepper and black, and see to it that you lose no time, for I am hungry and cannot wait.”
The girl went into another room and the witch fell on her knees and began to build a roaring fire. Soon the maiden reëntered, but running lightly, and as she passed the old woman she cast on her some of the magic powder which she had brought instead of salt and pepper. The hag had no idea that it was the powder that the girl had thrown, and thinking that she had been careless with the salt and
pepper began to scold her, then getting to her feet took her by the hair, opened the door of the little room in which Stout Heart was, and little knowing that the lad was there cast her in, screaming:
“Stay there, useless one, until I am ready to roast you.”
The maiden thrust the green stone into the hands of Stout Heart and at once they flew through the window and out under the arch of the sky. As for the old witch, the powder did its work and she began to swell so that she could not pass out of any of the doors. But presently the boy and girl, from a height at which they could see below them the narrow valley and the witch house, saw that the old hag was struggling to get out by way of the roof.
The two lost no time then. They flew swift and high. But swift too was the witch. Her growing had finished and out over the top of the house she burst, and seeing the escaping pair, began to run in the direction they had taken.
So there was much speeding both in the air and on the earth, and unlucky it was for the two that the green stone allowed those who carried it to fly only in the daytime. All this the maiden told Stout Heart as they flew. The old witch well remembered that at night there was no power in the flying stone and was gleeful in her wicked old heart as she watched the sun and the lengthening shadows. So she kept on with giant strides and leapings, and going at such a rate that she was always very nigh under the two in the air. No deer, no huanaco could have bounded lighter over the ground than she did, and no ostrich could have moved swifter.
When the sun began to drop in the western sky, and he and she were looking at one another with concern as they flew, the maiden bethought her of a plan, and scattering some of the magic powder on the earth she rejoiced to see that the leaves on which the powder fell turned into rabbits. The sight of that the witch could not resist, and she stopped a moment to catch some of the little animals and swallow them, so a little time was won for the fliers.
But the hungry old witch soon went on and regained the time she had lost and was under them again, running as fast as ever. So more powder was scattered, this time on some thorn-bushes, which changed to foxes. Again the old woman stopped to eat and the two
gained a little. But the sun was lower and they found themselves dropping ever nearer to the earth, flying indeed but little higher than the tree-tops, and as they saw, the old witch in her leaps lacked but little of touching them.
Ahead of them was the lake in which Stout Heart had been caught, the waters red as blood with the light of the western sky, but the power of the stone was failing with the waning day, and of the powder they had but a small handful left. As for the witch, so near was she that they could hear her breathing, could almost imagine that they felt her terrible claws in their garments.
On the bank of the lake the last handful of the magic powder was cast, and they saw the grass turn to ants and the stones to great turtles as they passed over the water, but so low that their feet almost touched the surface of the lake. The power of the stone was growing weak.
The old witch, seeing the turtles, stopped to swallow them, shells and heads, and that gave the youth and maiden time enough to reach the opposite shore, where the power of the stone was quite exhausted as the sun touched the rim of the earth. The gentle maiden clung to Stout Heart in great fear then as they saw the old witch plunge into the lake, for she could travel on water as fast as she could on land. Indeed, the fearful old woman cut through the waters so swiftly that a great wave leaped up on either side of her, and it was clear that before the sun had gone she would have her claws in the two friends.
But when she was in the middle of the lake the weight of the turtles she had swallowed began to bear her down. In vain she struggled, making a great uproar and lashing her hands and feet so furiously that the water became hot and a great steam rose up. Her force was spent and the turtles were like great stones within her, so she sank beneath the water, and was seen no more.
Great was the joy of the people when Stout Heart brought the maiden to his home, for she became his wife and was loved by all there as the fairest woman among them.
THE WONDERFUL MIRROR
HIS is the tale of Suso who was the daughter of a very rich man, a very kind-hearted one, too. Never was beggar turned from his door, nor in the length and breadth of his land was there hunger or want. And he loved Suso no less than she loved him. She was very close to his heart and all that could be done to make her happy he did. As for her, there was no pleasure in her day if she was not assured of his happiness.
When her sister had left home to be married, Suso and her father had gone about planning a great park which Suso was to have for her own, a park of terraced, flowered hills. And when it was finished, both birds and animals came to live there and the air was full of song. So in that place Suso played with her companions, and their hearts were in tune with the beauty all about. It was a never-ending pleasure to seek out new places in the great park, cool nooks in which were little waterfalls whose silver music mingled with the whispering of the leaves, or shaded spots where were ponds of crystal water and fountains and seats and bright green carpets of moss.
For a long time there was happiness, until, indeed, her father married again, for her mother had died when Suso was a small child. Then one day there was a cloud of grief in the maiden’s heart, because on a silent, moonlit night she had walked with her father and he had told her that he was troubled with a wasting sickness and
feared that he had not long to live. Some enemy, he said, had cast a spell on him, so that day by day he grew weaker and weaker and weaker. Wise men and doctors had looked into the matter, had sat solemnly and thought, had guessed and wondered, but had agreed on one thing only—that something was wrong. What that something was they did not know, but they agreed that if the thing that was wrong could be discovered and removed, all would go well again. Because of what her father had told her, Suso was sad and often wandered to a quiet place where she could tell her troubles to the trees.
The stepmother was not at all fair in her ways and not only disliked Suso, but was very mean and treacherous, hiding her hatred from the father and petting Suso when he was near, stroking her hair and saying pretty things. So well did the wicked woman play her part that nothing could have made the father believe other than that she loved Suso quite as much as he did. For instance, on that moonlit night when he had told his daughter of his trouble, seeing her tears, for she had wept bitterly, he had said:
“But Suso, my dove, your mother will care for you tenderly when I am dead, for she loves you dearly.”
At that the girl stifled her sobs and dried her tears, lest the father she loved so well should be wounded by her grief, and seeing her calmed he had supposed that all was well and that his words had soothed her
But see how it really was with Suso and her stepmother. There was one day, not long after, when father and stepmother and daughter were standing by the fountain, watching the wavering shadows flying across the green, when the man suddenly felt a clutching pain at his heart and was forced to sit down for very weakness. When he felt a little better and the first sharpness of the pain had gone, Suso walked with him to the house, and when he was comfortably seated and had a feather robe cast about him, he bade her return to her stepmother. That she did, because she was bid, although her wish would have been to sit at his feet. Because of her unwillingness and her grief she went softly, and not singing and dancing, as was her fashion. And what was her terror when she saw
and heard the wicked woman talking to a great horned owl that sat in the hollow of an old tree! So terrible that seemed, that Suso could find nothing to say, but stood with clasped hands, her heart a-flutter. Seeing Suso, the woman motioned to the owl and the bird said no more, but sat listening, its head on one side. Then the stepmother took Suso by the hand and drew her into a place where they could be seen by the father, but far enough away to be out of earshot. But the father, seeing the woman and the maiden standing thus together, was happy, thinking that his daughter had a friend. It made him happier still to see the woman take Suso’s arm and pull it gently about her waist. But he did not hear what was said, for had he heard, it would have cut him to the heart.
This is what the woman said, and her voice was like a poisondart as she whispered loud enough for the owl to hear:
“Suso, stand thus with your arm about my waist so that your father may see us together. Thus he will think that I love you.” Then she hissed in the girl’s ear: “But I hate you, hate you, hate you.”
And the owl lifted his head, blew a little and repeated softly: “Hate you—Hoo!—Hoo!”
From far off in the woods came the sound of an answering owl like an echo: “Hate you—Hoo!—Hoo!” and it seemed to Suso that all the world hated her for no cause, for the screeching parrots, too, repeated the cry. As for the sweet feathered things that she loved, they had all fled from that place.
Soon the stepmother spoke again and the owl dropped to a lower branch the better to hear. “Suso,” said the woman, “your father cannot live much longer. The spell is upon him and day by day he nears his death. Because of that I am glad, for when he dies, all this land, the house, and all its riches, must be mine.”
Hearing that vicious speech Suso was well nigh faint with fear and horror and would have sped to her father to warn him. But the woman caught her by the wrist, twisting it painfully, and pinched the soft place on her arm with her other hand, and stooping again so that it seemed to the watching father that she kissed Suso, she said:
“But see to it that you say no word, for the moment that you say anything but good of me, that moment your father will fall dead.”
So what was Suso to do?
Thus it was that Suso crept to quiet places and told her tale to the whispering leaves and to the evening breeze, and thus it was that in the midst of all that beauty of golden sunlight and silver-glinted waters and flower-twined forest she could not but be sad. For there were tears in her heart, and everything that her father did for her was as nothing and like a crumbling tower.
But she had told the trees (and trees bend their tops though they are foot-fast, and leaves, too, whisper one to another), so that the tale went abroad, though of this, Suso knew nothing.
II
Now while all this was going on there lived in the hills far off a youth, and his name was Huathia. Brown-haired he was and brighteyed too, with clear skin and strong arms, and all who knew him said that he was a good lad and honest.
He was a herder of goats and llamas, and one day, as he was out in the vega with his flock, he chanced to see a falcon wheeling high in the air, carrying something in its beak that sent the rays of the sun flashing far, like silver light. Then the bird dipped with the thing it was carrying, looking like a glittering falling star, and Huathia for a moment lost sight of the bird as it dropped behind a bush. But it soon rose and took to flight, this time without the shining thing. So Huathia went to the place where the falcon had dropped, and there at the bottom of a little stream he saw a bright round piece of silver. The lad rescued it and looked at it with astonishment as it lay in his hand, a polished and smooth disc it was, that reflected his face as clearly as a mirror So he kept it, wrapping it in a leaf, and took it that night to the place where the lad lived with another herdsman, a very wise and good man who knew many strange things, and he told the youth that it was the wonderful mirror of one called Paracaca, long since dead. He said that whoever looked in it saw his own face as others saw it, but the owner of the mirror saw something else, “for,” added he, “with it you may see the hidden spirit of other people, seeing
