The Comfort Zone by Nick Morgan

Nick Morgan

“I could be the catalyst that sparks a revolution, I could be an inmate in a long term institution…” Ian Dury. 1942 – 2000

For my mum, sorry about being breach.

Part One The Switchmen of History

Crap

Dan sandwiched the receiver between his ear and shoulder. ‘Ohright-yeah sorry I was miles away. You’re Vicki with an i right?’ Vicki had been understudying in a West End play when somewhat ironically - the lead broke her leg and in so doing provided Vicki with a different sort of break – the play closed a

Dan’s computer gave a soft ping. It was an internal from the editor - the header read ‘See Me’ - Dan sighed, placed both

week later. In the interview Vicki had wanted to make it very clear that the demise of the production had nothing to do with her.

shoes on the back of his desk and pushed gently. He slid across

‘Hi how can I help?’ Dan continued to scroll down the results

the carpet, swivelled around, got up and walked to the caffeine

page.

station. It was his fifth coffee of the day: two sugars - he was cutting back. After returning to the desk he placed the bottom of

‘I was just calling to see when the article would be out.’

the mug on an existing stain. The mug, like all the office mugs,

Dan touched the wood of his desk, ‘Should be in the October

had a glam picture of the three editors on it: the overall editor was

edition.’

sandwiched between the features and the health editors. All three held guns and were doing their best to look like Charlie’s Angels. Underneath the picture was printed: Readership is Life, Work or Die. The phone rang. ‘Hi, Dan’s phone, Dan speaking.’ ‘Hi, it’s Vicki.’ ‘?’ ‘You know Vicki: Vicki famous for fifteen minutes Vicki?’

‘Oh, not for a few months then.’ Dan swapped shoulders and put his feet up on the desk. ‘Yeah, we have a long lead time.’ ‘I was just wondering…’ ‘Yes?’ ‘If you wanted me for anything else?’ Dan clicked on the second link, dead. ‘What? Oh well I am looking for anorexics.’ ‘What? Anorexics?’ 4

‘Do you have any anorexic friends who want to be in a

His monitor pinged again, Dan swerved back to check his screen.

magazine… or bulimic? In fact – at this point – I’d be open to any

He had to wave the mouse to get rid of the pipes, then he saw

eating disorders…’

the email was an anonymous internal, CC’d to the whole office.

There was another soft ping, this time the header read: GET YOUR FEET OFF MY DESK AND SEE ME RIGHT NOW. ‘Sorry Vicki, got to go, I’ll give you a shout when it’s out. Ok?’

The header read: DEAD MAN WALKING. The distance to the editor’s door now seemed to stretch out, it was as if the whole office had become elastic and was being pulled apart. As Dan took his first steps it even felt as if the floor

Dan glanced up at the editor’s inner sanctum. Her door was

gave a little. Nobody looked up from their monitors, but he felt

slightly open, open enough for her to hear what was happening in

their eyes on him. He pushed himself on, took a deep breath and

the office but not open enough for him to see in. He glanced

knocked lightly on the editor’s door. It swung open.

around the office. Everybody was either looking at a monitor and typing or talking on the phone and making notes. Only Sam, the features editor, returned Dan’s look. She tilted her head forward and forced a tight smile while - oh so casually - letting her arm drop to the floor where she popped out two fingers. At the time

She was at her desk, legs crossed, reading a rival magazine. Dan turned to close the door, without looking up she said, ‘No.’ He moved to a chair unsure if he should sit or wait to be invited. ‘Sit,’ she said. Dan sat.

Dan thought she was giving him the Vs, he realised later what she

On her glass-topped desk was a 42-inch flat panelled computer

was - in fact - saying was, strike two.

screen with wireless keyboard – the latest thing - and also an old

Dan stood up, tucked his shirt in and unconsciously checked his fly was up. Then he pinched the knot of his tie and pushed it up so it was tight against his Adam’s apple. He was the only one in the office to wear a tie; he’d read they were soon to be in. This one was plain pale blue on the outside, but inside the tip was a bright 50s style pin-up of a semi-naked semi-reclined woman against a bright green background. Classy, he’d thought in the shop as he typed his pin in, but today it made him feel vulnerable.

fashioned chrome Rolodex, which Dan knew was ornamental and contained no addresses. Other than that the office was full of freebees: piles of review books, bags of cosmetics and, on a rack, designer clothes on hangers; these were officially for photo shoots, but would never be returned. Above a particularly expensive Armani shirt was a framed mock-up cover showing the prime minister and the editor arm in arm. A speech bubble coming from the editor read, ‘You’re fired’.

She turned a page of the magazine, but still did not look up. She

Dan felt waves of heat and nausea, his heart was beating faster,

had ginger hair tinted deep strawberry and pale skin, which was

his cheeks felt like they were being peppered with needles. He

accentuated with pale foundation. Her lips and fingernails were

wanted to loosen his tie, but resisted the urge - that would be to

painted in matching cadmium red. It was, Dan now thought, the

show weakness. The growing waves of heat made him think of a

colour of freshly oxygenated blood.

corner of a cube of sugar being dipped into steaming hot coffee,

She put the magazine down then interlinked her fingers into a latticework of white and red. ‘Do you know why I’ve called you in?’ Her lips were tight and thin, like a razor slash. Dan panicked. ‘Err, no – promotion?’ Oh, no stupid, stupid. She grabbed a sheaf of copy paper from her desk, brought it up and slammed it against the glass tabletop. ‘No, no-no-no-nooo.’

he thought: capillary action. ‘Are you listening?’ He straightened his back and nodded. ‘Yes.’ ‘Have you considered a career writing Christmas cracker lines?’ Dan shook his head.

She reached over to a stack of papers beside her keyboard then

‘Well you should, that is if they would have you. No – now I think

waved them in the air. ‘Dan, you are here because of this.’ He

about it - I don’t think your jokes are quite up to cracker

focused on the moving paper and saw Vicki’s name in the lead.

standards. And while we’re here let’s look at the third paragraph,’

‘Oh, right.’ ‘You see this introduction: where is the age? Where is the place?

she wrote MORE CRAP. ‘Do you really expect me to publish this?’ Dan shook his head, ‘I just…’

Can I see myself there? Can I? Can I picture myself in the scene?

She lifted a cadmium red fingertip threateningly. ‘Don’t try it.

No I can’t! Dan, we have a formula for this style of writing and you

Don’t start. Don’t think about starting. We’re not the only mag on

are not using it!’ She got a thick red marker and wrote CRAP

the shelves you know, it’s cutthroat out there on the news stands,

across the introduction. ‘And this?’ She was underlining the part

and it’s my neck that’s on the block if readership falls. Fuck I’ve

in the second paragraph that pointed out that Vicki got her break

lost my thread, where was I?’

after the lead actor had broken her leg. ‘Is this meant to be funny?’ She wrote funny? across the second and third

‘Crackers?’

paragraphs. 6

For a moment she looked as if she was going to explode, Dan realised he’d made a terrible mistake and went to apologise, actually went into a bow of submission. But she cut him off

‘Right, go.’ ‘Thank you.’

before he could grovel. ‘Dan, when you came to us - to me -

Without looking up he backed towards the door, but the moment

some other staff said, “Not enough experience don’t touch him”

he reached it, the moment he touched the door and it opened,

but I wanted to give you a chance, and this is how you repay me!

she shouted. ‘And you can rewrite this.’ Dan’s pages of writing

This is basic stuff Dan: if I wanted this level of writing I could get a

were hurled at him, they fluttered to the ground like dying things.

placement in, hell I could pick some random monkey off the

The white pages covered in black Helvetica and stinging red

street, give them a days training and get better writing.’

criticism. He knelt down to pick them up. She wanted to break

Dan lowered his head further, ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘Sorry just isn’t going to cut it. I’m not running a student magazine, or some freebee sheet.’

him, to humiliate him in front of the office - he was a cautionary tale. After picking up the final page from the floor he turned to face the office. In a split second they were all eyes-down, all except Sam,

Now Dan’s head was so low it was almost resting on the top of

who flashed Dan a ‘what can you do?’ micro shrug. She was in

his ribcage. He wanted to make himself small, small like a ball

heaven.

that could roll away from this pain. ‘And have you found my eating disorders?’ Dan shook his head.

On his first day it was Sam who had cornered Dan at the caffeine station, without so much as a, how are you, welcome to the team she said, ‘The editor is mercurial, you know and volatile: she can be up and down but it’s her vision that is the magazine and it’s

‘We can’t support slackers here Dan, this is a verbal warning. Go

that vision that is keeping us all in jobs. Do you understand what

and find me all the case studies by the end of today and if the

I’m saying Dan?’

whole piece is not in this time next week, you’re history. Does that sound reasonable?’ Dan nodded.

Dan - of course - hadn’t the faintest idea what she was talking about and she must have read that in his face because she barked, ‘You get three chances and that’s it: three strikes and you are out - just so you know.’ 7

Things had been relatively sweet with Sam for about four weeks.

By ten Dan felt the giddy-light-headedness from a lack of sleep

But then, at the eleventh hour, before a photo-shoot for a piece

and bending the possible. Dan figured he was playing the game:

on Young Bereaved Women, one of Dan’s four case studies got

she had shouted and he was now jumping through hoops. A

cold feet. Sam was volunteered to give up her Saturday and pose

cautionary tale making good, the natural order of things was

as a woman whose husband had died from aspiration of gastric

being restored.

fluids. Sam was not happy, indeed - in the photographs - when she lined up next to the real widows she looked the most griefstricken. In the final published photograph she was standing with arms crossed. Dan could see, quite clearly, that a single finger of her left hand was outstretched, so outstretched in fact that her finger was white. This finger, Dan now realised was a message for

By eleven there were just two people in the office: Dan and the editor. Suddenly, her red fingernails were rapping on the top of his monitor. ‘Burning the midnight oil Dan?’ her lipstick had been reapplied. Dan nodded, ‘I’ve got the contacts and I’m on the rewrite.’

him: strike one. She patted his ancient computer. ‘You know, I think we might have a genuine antique here; perhaps we should replace it with Dan worked through lunch fuelled by chocolate and more coffee. The next time he looked away from his screen the office was

something a bit more AD? What do you think?’ Dan looked up and smiled. ‘That would be great.’

thinning out and the light was fading out side – but he had the leads. Next was the Famous for Fifteen Minutes rewrite. He pulled

Now the editor was sliding a single finger across his desk. ‘You

up the original transcripts and checked the basics were present

know Dan – in this world – there is always a top and a bottom,

(who, what, when, where and how) plus a scattering of anecdotes

there is always the newest computer and the oldest, the cat and

to place the reader in the scene - all of it, thankfully was there, so

the canary, somebody eating caviar and somebody shovelling

no need to re-interview.

shit. That’s the way it is, that’s the way it’s always been and that’s the way it always will be.’

Dan got an external message, it was email from Mart: See you at B&R for a swiftie post work?

‘Ah-huh?’

No chance. 8

‘The trick is to make sure you are at the top, with the caviar eaters, know what I mean?’

‘Hi?’ ‘My god, you’re working late!’ It was Vicki. ‘I was going to leave a

Dan nodded.

message for you.’

‘And,’ she went on. ‘When you can smell shit…’

‘Great.’

‘Yes?’

‘No it’s not great Mr Dan Strong, writer stroke investigative reporter, because I thought I’d be leaving a message and now it’s

‘It’s already too late.’

you and we’re talking and I’ve got a casting tomorrow and I’ll be

‘Oh.’

puffy.’

She lent down and reached over to Dan’s neck, ‘And while we’re

Dan felt light-headed with a lack of food and sleep, ‘Let’s start

here…’ and then she lightly tugged his tie up ‘…I’ve a little

again.’

fashion tip for you…’ The pin-up woman flipped over on his desk, ‘…lose the tart.’ And with that she disappeared into the night.

‘OK’ He inhaled. ‘Beep, hi, you are through to Dan: writer stroke investigative reporter stroke general dogsbody, I’m sorry I can’t take your call at the moment. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as is humanly possible, beeeeep.’

••• ‘Oh, right. Hi Dan, it’s Vicki here. Didn’t think I’d get your machine! Anyway, it’s Friday night, no er on Friday and I was wondering if Two hours later Dan’s phone rang. He checked his watch, who calls at one in the morning? Just drunks and people with very bad news.

you wanted to go out for a drink. Or something. No commitment or anything, just a drink. I mean it’s not even a date, well it could be.’ Dan spaced.

He answered on the fifth ring, just before the voice mail kicked in. 9

‘Dan, are you still there?’ ‘Yeah.’

Friday’s Children

‘Can you make it? Can you do Friday?’ He went to say something then realised his jaw was open, ‘Well…’

Vicki lived in the centre of town: just two minutes walk from Eros in Piccadilly and - conveniently enough - ten minutes from the

‘I promise you a night you’ll never forget.’ ‘?’ ‘Cool. Dress smart. Call for me at eight.’ Dan held the receiver a full minute after Vicki hung-up.

magazine. Despite being so close the interview had been on the phone, so Dan had never seen Vicki before. She had a nice voice - sexy, but then a lot of people have sexy voices, he’d seen her photo on an agency website and it looked glam, but you could do a lot with good lighting and Photoshop. As Dan pressed the buzzer it felt like a blind date. Vicki’s voice crackled like it was coming from a distant planet, ‘I’ll buzz you up, third floor.’ Dan pushed the door open and climbed the steps. He was still

Six hours later the magazine’s eager beavers started to trickle in

catching up from the all-nighter, but penance had been paid and -

led by the ambitious Sam with her Java jacketed double latte in

more importantly - the work was now in. When he arrived at the

hand.

third floor he was getting out of breath, when he saw Vicki he

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘You’re here early Dan.’ He swivelled around, looked up and gave her a wink, ‘You know Sam, I like to catch those worms!’

stopped breathing altogether. She was Top Shop sex bomb; above the knee black patent leather boots - kitten heals, black stockings and a short black skirt. Moving up: a glossy black leather fashion biker jacket, push-up bra and a low cut neon green top. She had Barbie-blond hair, blue eyes, blushed in cheekbones and pink lip-gloss. She was - in short - the male fantasy incarnate. Dan could see that 10

Vicki was so good looking she’d never needed to pay for a drink in her life and so desirable he’d have to burst a kidney before leaving her alone in a bar. She said, ‘Breathe.’ Dan gasped for air. ‘You’re going to have to give the fags up.’ Dan remembered he should kiss her, he controlled his breathing and reached for a right cheek peck, but Vicki twisted and he felt

‘No-no-no, good start Dan but poor follow-up, no planning.’ ‘Is there somewhere…’ ‘Park Lane for cocktails.’ ‘Park Lane! What, you mean as in the last square before GO?’ ‘What?’ ‘Monopoly.’ ‘Ah, yes you have it in one.’

her lips on his, her mouth slightly open: cherry lip-gloss. Sticky. The hotel was fifteen minutes walk west, but Dan could see ‘Hey don't,’ she said pulling back, ‘you'll spoil me.’ ‘You look, wow, great. I mean I saw the photograph, but this, you…’ ‘Too kind Dan.’ If Dan had any idea just how good looking she was he’d have

Vicki’s heals were more theatrical than practical so he waved down a black cab. In the back seat Vicki rested her hand on his knee. Then she leaned over, breathed heavily in his ear and whispered, ‘You smell exotic.’ They pulled up at the hotel, Dan paid (and tipped). In return the driver gave him a go on my son nod and said, ‘Enjoy your evening sir.’

never agreed to go out with her, she was so out of his league. He

After the darkness of the taxi the lobby seemed dazzling.

jabbered on, ‘No really, I mean really I had no idea. In the flesh,

Chandeliers filled the air and the light bounced off all the polished

you look so much more… I don’t know, lush.’

surfaces. Dan felt Vicki place her arm through his, felt her weight

Her lips curved into a smile. ‘So, we’ve established attraction, now do you know where you’re taking me tonight?’ Dan blanked, ‘Errrr, no, I thought the Eagle down the road.’

fall onto him and heard her whisper: ‘Walk to the lifts like you own the hotel.’ ‘But…’ ‘Just do it.’ 11

Dan lifted his head up and walked, trying his best to feel rich and

your voice and the way you look and smell too. I mean: look

powerful. ‘How am I doing?’

good, smell good and talk with confidence and it doesn’t matter if

Vicki smiled, ‘You’re doing just fine.’ The lift was lined - wall-to-wall - with mirrors. Soft wash lighting bounced from the top onto the walls. Vicki said, ‘You know I just love elevators. You press a button and they take you where you want to go.’ She licked her right index finger and drew a V on one of the mirrors. ‘What do you think?’ Dan shrugged his shoulders, ‘They go up and down, what can you say?’ ‘No, silly: V for Victory, V for Vicki. What do you think?’ Dan looked at the smeared saliva and for the first time in the

you are talking complete shit! Oh, I’m babbling.’ The lift pinged, ‘Dan, saved by the bell.’ Their coats were taken and Vicki smiled at the waiter. They were immediately shown to a prime window table, the waiter took away the reserved notices and pulled Vicki’s chair back then set it in softly as she sat. Dan looked behind them, ‘I think we just jumped the queue, Vicki was this table reserved for us?’ Vicki said, ‘It’s reserved for the right sort of people.’ ‘Yes? What? Us!’

evening wondered if he had bitten off more than he could chew.

‘Appearance Dan, that’s what it’s all about: I have a winning smile

‘Err, I don’t know, nice.’

that’s how we got this table - it’s visual.’

‘Nice!’ she snapped, ‘I hate that word – it’s so nothing.’ She

Dan wasn’t quite sure what to say. He was a stranger in a foreign

pushed him against the doors. ‘Say nice again and I’m going to

land, he shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Right.’

have to punish you.’ ‘Right, not to mention nice, good.’ ‘Dan, it’s all in the attitude, it’s all in how you look and the way…’ ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I read an article; I think ninety-five percent is

Vicki took this for distain, ‘Really, I’m not kidding.’ ‘No, I just…’ ‘I wasn’t going to show you this right now Dan Strong - not on a first date - but you’ve forced my hand. Are you ready?’

visual, what you actually say is less important than the tone of 12

‘Errr yes.’

‘Very good, and for the lady?’

Vicki dipped her head forward a little, scrunched her hair and

Dan’s left eye started to twitch.

closed her eyes in concentration. Then, in one fluid movement, she lifted her head, opened her eyes (with a bit of a flutter) and

Vicki hissed, ‘Don’t fight it.’

smiled. As her eyes twinkled and her lips went into a little pout

He submitted, ‘She’ll have a pina colada, with a cherry and an

Dan felt something deep inside him sit up and beg like a well-

umbrella.’

trained puppy. Vicki smiled and leaned back in her chair, ‘There you go tiger, feel ‘Yeah,’ she said casually. ‘It’s a gift; I’ve been able to do it for as

better now?’

long as I can remember. Now I should warn you that in about thirty seconds you’ll feel compelled to buy me a pina colada.’

Dan looked out of the window - actually he did feel better - it was an amazing view, if you looked directly out of the window you

‘You’re joking.’ ‘No I’m not. Don’t fight it or you’ll just end up straining something - and we wouldn’t want that.’

could imagine you were flying over the city. Below them was the Queen’s back garden and next to it Hyde Park. From the back of the bar you could see the South Bank; with the London Eye and the Houses of Parliament all lit up. Nimrod, his tour guide friend,

A waitress glided over, pulled out a pad and leaned over Dan,

had told him a joke that this moment was just made for. He

‘May I take your order sir?’

pointed into the darkness. ‘You see down there, just at the

Dan hadn’t planned for this and was momentarily wrong-footed,

beginning of Hyde Park.’

‘Do you have err Hoegaarden?’

Vicki nodded, ‘Mumhurr.’

‘No sir, this is a cocktail bar.’

‘You know there are the Jubilee Gates and just up from them

Dan’s brain searched for names of cocktails, the first one that came to mind was a slow comfortable screw - which he managed to dismiss - and the second was only fractionally less embarrassing: ‘I’ll have a martini, shaken not stirred.’

there’s a statue of Achilles - you know the huge one with a sword, shield, a fig leaf and little else? You’ve seen it?’ Vicki nodded some more. ‘Well originally Achilles was totally naked: so, no fig leaf - and if the stories are true he was quite well endowed.’ 13

‘So why the fig leaf?’ My god, Dan thought, she is really going for it. ‘Yeah, because just after it was unveiled in 1822 something terrible happened.’ ‘What?’

Dan sighed, ‘Yeah, well you know I went into journalism to take on the system: to stand up for the disenfranchised, right wrongs and to be out in the field. But most of this week I’ve been behind a desk phoning people up and asking them if they are anorexic. So it’s not really working out as I planned.’ Another two gulps finished the cocktail.

‘Five nuns came to visit and when they saw the Achilles three of them had a stroke.’

‘Hey tiger, slow down, I don’t want you peaking too soon.’

‘What, no!’

The waitress came over and Dan ordered a pina colada for himself. Vicki covered her drink and shook her head.

‘Yeah, but the other two couldn’t reach!’ The two sat in silence for a few minutes looking around the bar. Vicki laughed, ‘Ok, touché tiger.’ A man in a tuxedo walked to the piano and started to play Candle in the Wind just a decibel louder than comfortable and the drinks arrived with complementary nuts. Dan took three gulps - half was gone. Vicki sipped her cocktail lightly, ‘It must be different.’ ‘What?’ ‘Interviewing somebody in person, rather than on the phone.’ ‘Yes, I think it’s always better to do a face-to-face interview, but often there’s not the time to leave the office.’ ‘That’s a shame.’

The lights were low and everything seemed to be either chrome or brown. They watched the other people on the tables and the waitress weave in and out of them. Vicki locked eyes with a woman her own age dressed in green, then she suddenly turned to the window. ‘Dan,’ she said. ‘Are there any questions… I mean when you are in an interview, do you have a favourite question?’ He leaned back on his chair and stroked his chin. ‘The best questions are open, which means that the interviewee can’t reply with a yes or no. These are generally the best because you are looking for anecdotes and colour.’ ‘Yes?’ ‘Well if you ask somebody if they have bad dreams they can say yes or no and it doesn’t get you much information, you need to 14

get the maximum amount of information with the smallest

after that I can’t get back to sleep, what about you? Any

question.’

nightmares you want to share?’

‘So, give me a question.’

Vicki was distracted, looking at the woman in green again.

‘Ok, what keeps you awake at night?’

Dan coughed, ‘Hello.’

‘Good question.’

‘What?’

‘It’s something of a classic.’

‘Quid pro quo Vicki, what keeps you awake at night?’

‘Now you answer it.’

‘Oh yeah, well I can’t give you anything quite so scatological, but

‘So I have to come up with the questions and answer them?’ She sipped her cocktail and swallowed, ‘Indulge me.’

I used to have this dream where I’m with this bloke and we’re in a sports car driving in the country. It’s all snaky roads and humpback bridges, and every time we go over one I can feel the leather against my bum and the back of my legs. Then it’s too fast

‘Ok, so I’m in town, just walking down the street, but then the

and I ask him to stop, but he doesn’t, he just laughs and goes

ground seems to go a little bit soft. At first it’s nice because it

faster.’

feels spongy, but then it gets sticky, like my feet are walking on used chewing gum. When I look down I can see they are sinking into the pavement, I grab at a wall but when I touch it that too starts to melt, and the smell is horrific, it’s like I’m being pulled down into a cesspit.’

‘And then?’ Vicki laughed, ‘He goes really fast, trees and houses are blurring past, and I’m so scared, it’s like we are going so fast I can’t breathe,’ she shrugged her shoulders, ‘and then I pee all over the

‘Nice! So it’s like the Midas touch, but instead of making things

leather seat. Isn’t that bizarre? I’m sure it means something if you

gold you turn it to shit?’

looked it up in a book.’

‘Wow, that’s sharp.’ Dan looked down into his glass: empty and

‘Yeah well, I don’t have a car, so you should be ok with me. More

he suddenly became aware that the piano had stopped. ‘Anyway,

drinks?’

‘Hit me.’ Dan had started to feel quite drunk, but Vicki was still

had to tell her the story I’ve just told you. After I finished she went

with it.

into fits of laughter, there were actual real tears, then she said,

‘OK,’ she said. ‘Now we’ve done warm-up I’ve got a good question for you. Tell me your most embarrassing sexual experience – and don’t lie – I’ll know if you do.’ ‘Wow? I’ll have to think about that one.’ Vicki mimed putting a microphone in Dan’s face; ‘Let’s put it on the record.’ ‘When I was a kid – you really want to hear this?’ Vicki nodded.

“You’re not circumcised, that’s when you cut the whole to the top of the foreskin off.” And I remember thinking, god that would really hurt.’ Vicki smiled, ‘I bet it does, but it’s more hygienic.’ ‘Right,’ Dan winced. ‘Ok, I’ve told you mine, now you tell me yours.’ The pianist had returned and broke into Her name was Lola…

‘When I was a kid, about seven, I had this – I don’t know – some

Vicki’s face suddenly changed. It was like a cloud had passed

growth across my, err, my eye. So when I went for a pee it

over it: ‘You really want to know?’

sprayed everywhere.’ ‘Oh, I see.’

Dan nodded. ‘At my fifteenth birthday party my father waited until I went

‘And my mum took me to the doctor and the doctor held my dick

upstairs then he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into my

and said, “This may smart a little” and I was wondering what

bedroom, he threw me on the bed, jumped me and pushed his

exactly “smart” meant in this context when he got these massive

tongue into my mouth. When I pushed him back he said, “What’s

scissors and cut me. I screamed the surgery down.’

wrong? It’s not like I’m your real dad.”’

‘Hey, that’s not a sexual experience.’

‘What?!’

‘Hang in there. So fast-forward ten years or so and I’m with my

‘I packed a bag and went looking for my father – my real father. I

first serious girlfriend. We’d been doing it for months before I

lived in hostels and sometimes on the street, I had some help –

could bring myself to ask her, “So you don’t mind having sex with

it’s a long story – but eventually, after a year, I found him and –

somebody who is circumcised then?” She didn’t understand so I 16

well basically.’ Vicki’s head dipped down, ‘basically he didn’t want

She pouted and blew. Dan did the same, then they leaned closer

to know.’

to each other and suddenly they were kissing. She pulled away

‘I’m sorry.’ ‘Don’t apologise it’s not your fault,’ she finished her drink.

and whispered, ‘Tonight I didn't know whether to wear stockings with suspender belts or hold-ups.’ For a moment Dan thought she was genuinely seeking fashion feedback, then he realised this was cocktail sex talk.

‘Well, I’m sorry I made you talk about it. If I was your father, I’d be very proud.’

‘So what did you decide on?’

‘Thanks,’ Vicki sniffed. ‘It’s good to be able to talk to somebody.’

‘You’ll see. Dan,’ she pouted, ‘you’ll see.’

She looked into Dan’s eyes, ‘I haven’t told anybody that before.’ She lifted her hands in front of her face. Dan thought she was going to cry, but in a heartbeat Vicki took her hands away and her face had completely changed, it was like a cloud blown away and replaced by sunshine. ‘Let’s talk about something more fun, I know, let me tell you something about modelling.’ ‘Shoot.’ ‘When models are in the studio, they go like this.’ She put her lips

Dan got the bill and put it on his credit card without looking at the total. He got up to leave and the room spun a little, ‘Those cocktails are pretty alcoholic.’ From the corner of his eye he saw the woman in green, she’d been met by an older man in a very smart suit and - like Dan and Vicki - they were just leaving. At the lift Dan said, ‘They looked so happy.’ Vicki pressed the call button, ‘Who’s that?’ ‘The woman in green and her dad.’

into a pout and breathed out slowly. ‘It gives you fuller lips and

Vicki looked at him to check he was being serious then - when

accentuates the cheekbones. Really, when you next look in a

she saw he was - said, ‘Dan Strong, bless your heart.’

magazine or an advertising poster you can see them doing it, they’ve got this little black spot in the centre of their lips where they are exhaling – that’s the give-away.’

‘What does that mean?’ The lift doors pinged open. Empty. 17

It was the same lift they had come up in and Dan could just make

his eyes. Suddenly – perhaps too quickly – he was in the zone.

out the smudged edges of the V smeared on the mirror. The

He felt his face redden and a pre-come sense of peace washed

doors closed smoothly behind them. Vicki reached for Dan’s arm,

over him. Anxiety evaporated. Time folded up and over into itself

‘What it means is you are not a tiger at all, you are a lamb, but

then melted like butter in a warming frying pan. He gripped Vicki’s

perhaps, just perhaps you are that rare thing: lamb with a tiger’s

shoulder and she took her mouth away and tightened her grip

heart.’

around him.

With surprising speed and strength Vicki gripped Dan’s arm and

After, she smiled and got up from her knees. She checked her

spun him around so his face was pushed against the mirror. ‘Stay

hair, wiped her mouth and coolly reapplied lip-gloss.

exactly where you are. Don’t move and don’t think about looking at me.’ She ran her hands up Dan’s legs and over his crotch. Speeding descent and pina coladas filled his head. Then they came to a sudden halt. Dan realised Vicki had hit the help button. She bit the back of his neck and pushed her long nails through his hair. ‘Oh, no, what shall we do? The lift seems to be broken! Shall we call for help? No I don’t think so, I think we’ll be ok here for a few minutes. What do you think Dan? Will we need help?’ Before Dan could answer Vicki reached for his shoulder, gripped hard and spun him back around. Then she dropped to her knees and slipped his belt undone with one hand. ‘Mmmm’ she said. ‘What have we got here? Do you want to come out to play?’ Dan was relieved to be at least semi-hard. As Vicki started to work him with her right hand Dan reasoned that there were at least four-security cameras videoing them. He

At ground they walked as casually as possible under the chandeliers across the lobby, Dan didn’t feel he owned the building, he just wanted to get out of it before he was arrested, or worse. He only relaxed when the black cab pulled away. They got out at Vicki’s and she handed the driver a note, ‘Keep the change.’ Dan glanced at his watch. If he got the tube now he might just get a drink in with Nimrod and Mart. Vicki picked up his hesitation, ‘Oh, no Mr Strong, it’s not over yet. I don’t go down on you in a lift and then just let you wander off home.’ With a key in one hand and his arm in another she pulled him through her door. Then she sat on the bottom step and unzipped her boots. ‘Go on then.’ ‘What?’ ‘Take them off.’

then wondered just how long the lift needed to be still before alarms started to ring. Vicki slipped Dan into her mouth, he closed 18

It was only now he was up-close that he could suddenly see how

Vicki was in the kitchen, sitting at a yellow Formica table crushing

beautiful the boots were. The black leather had a deep shine and

small white crystals with her Switch card. There was a pint of

was amazingly supple, but strong. They fitted her perfectly, like a

water on the table and suddenly Dan realised he was desperately

second skin. Dan put his left hand on the heel and it just slipped

dehydrated, it was like he was burning up, he grabbed the pint -

off in his hand.

and downed most of it, it tasted of chemicals, bitter.

Vicki said, ‘Go on Dan.’

‘Hey don’t’ be a pig! Half each.’

‘What?’

‘Stop saying “What?” and start listening to what I’m saying.’

She put her hands on her hips. ‘I thought we discussed the W

He bent forward, like he’d been pulled on a string, and he kissed

word.’

the side of her second boot. Then he went down to her ankle and

Dan tried to think of a synonym for what - but nothing came. Then

- slowly - licked all the way to the top. The gloss tasted of sweat

looking down into the pint glass he saw the remains of a pill, ‘Oh.’

and desire. He saw she was wearing suspenders and he flashed

Then he looked at the crystal she’d been crushing and saw it had

back to the bar, where she was whispering in her ear and to the

been placed into two lines. ‘Double oh.’

lift, with the mirrors and his brain exploded. He put one arm around the back of her legs and the other below her arms and carried her up the three flights of stairs. All the way she was

Vicki said, ‘Have you taken e before?’ Dan shook his head.

laughing and when they got to the top she said, ‘You see what you are capable of?’ Her key slipped into the lock, ‘Dan, come

‘Well you have now, and you are in for a treat, you’ve just downed

into my parlour.’

the last of a fantastic batch.’ She took the pint glass from Dan’s hands and finished it. ‘Ok, seriously,’ she said. ‘Here’s what they

Dan went to the bathroom and mopped the sheen of sweat from

don’t tell you in school: it will come on in waves, you are going to

his face then checked his breath by putting his hand up to his

feel great, euphoric in fact, but you’re not going to be able to

mouth and exhaling. He squirted a bit of toothpaste on his finger

sleep for the next six hours at least. You will also want to move,

and rubbed it over his teeth. Finally he checked his pits - not

be as physical as you can. If you don’t you are going to feel very

good but not appalling either. 19

uncomfortable, that’s how people get paranoid. Now are you

euphoric rush. They were two separate bodies united in one

happy with that?’

single screaming amazing chemical high.

Dan nodded, ‘Yeah, ok.’ Vicki continued, ‘Don’t wuss out on me Dan. Go for it and you’ll

Vicki fell asleep before it got light. Dan’s eyes remained open. His

have what I promised you, an amazing time, a night you’ll never

eyeballs felt like they had been inflated; they pushed and pushed

forget. Do you trust me?’

until his lids popped open like cartoon roller blinds, his head and

Dan nodded.

heart pounded. He scanned Vicki’s room: the bed was cast iron painted black and it had bars running up it so you could – Dan

‘Good. Now only take half a line because you’ve been such an e-

imagined – be bound and teased. There were small boulder burns

hog and I’ll put some music on.’

in the sheet, the random patterns were like star constellations. He checked his watch for the seventh time. The first trains would be

Dan had taken coke just once before and he’d been warned that

starting now. He glanced at Vicki – sleeping like a baby.

snorting might cause the middle part of his nose to fall out, so he dabbed the line and rubbed it on his teeth until he couldn’t feel

Her clothes were hung on a chrome metal frame. At the make-up

his gums. Vicki returned, rolled up a twenty and snorted like a

table there was a big mirror with lights surrounding it. The rest of

movie star.

the walls were covered with theatrical posters sandwiched in clipart frames and photos of Vicki with friends.

Now there was thumping dance music coming from the bedroom, ‘Come on,’ she said, ‘dance with me.’ And they danced. ‘Kiss

Dan started to develop the baby gorilla of all headaches. It was a

me,’ she said and they kissed. It was like Dan could feel every

grower and a pounder. He had to get out, had to sleep. Vicki

crease of her lips, the wetness the softness, he wanted to

didn’t move as he slipped out of the bed. He got his clothes and

consume her, to eat her up; it was the best kiss he’d ever had in

went to the kitchen to dress. Then he got a pen and pulled an old

his life and the music was fantastic too, what was this music?

envelope from the bin. He wanted to write something funny and

Because it was really great - fantastic in fact - this was the best

clever, but the words weren’t coming. It was like the tv was on but

music he’d ever heard. He pulled her body against his and felt a

there were no stations, just static fuzz. He started, ‘Vicki with an I,’ then he lost it. ‘God,’ he said. ‘I’ve got to write something.’ He 20

bit his lip, then wrote, ‘Had a nice time, no whats.’ Then he underlined nice and whats to show he meant it to be a joke. It was crap, it didn’t even make grammatical sense, but it would have to do. He closed the door behind him, there was a small click. He thought, no, she wont mind me going. The tube ride was grim - people going to work, all looking at his eyes knowingly, some smiled but most just judged. Back at the flat he moved as quietly as he could to his room. There was a note on the pillow of his bed. It was a piece of A4 paper with a big smiling face drawn on one side, when Dan turned it over he saw a message on the back: YOU HAVE LESS THAN 100 YEARS TO LIVE FROM THIS POINT. Dan recognised Mart’s sense of humour. He folded the paper in two and let it drop to the floor then he kicked his shoes off and fell into bed.

A Room with a View

felt a familiar stabbing pain in his bladder, he pushed his feet out of the duvet, but before they dropped down close enough to the carpet his head started to thud. He retreated back into bed, pulled the duvet up to his chin and curled himself into a foetal position.

‘Well, I could eat you no problem… what can I say Nimrod, you are a mate, but even if you weren’t fully dead but definitely on the way out – I’d still - you know - have a go.’ It was Mart’s largerfuelled voice coming up from the front room. Then there was a

‘What the fuck is that?’ It was Nimrod. Mart’s voice came back. ‘A book.’ ‘I can see that, but what’s with the rough finish?’

second voice this one quieter, ‘Sorry Mart I don’t think I could hold you down, even if you were cooked and tasted a little like

‘It’s sandpaper, so when it’s placed on the shelves of libraries it

chicken [pause] so, do you know when Jen is coming back?’

will destroy its neighbours.’

Then it was Mart again, ‘Who knows? She did some card deal with Harrods or something and she’s celebrating with her mates. Hey, do you know how much of your body you need for a positive

‘Nice,’ said Nimrod, ‘Reading with attitude… are you going to roll another?’

identification?’ There was a rhetorical pause, ‘…with an aeroplane

Dan looked down, he could just make out half of the smiley face

crash or a big explosion just one molar is enough, providing it is

that had been drawn and left for him on his pillow by Mart. If any

distinctive and you are on the manifest.’

other landlord had done that he’d have been packing his bags

Dan sighed and looked out of his window, the blind was up and it was dark, some stars and a hint of moon but mostly thick dark clouds. He reached for his watch on the bedside table and touched empty space. He touched his wrist, bingo. He brought the florescent dials right up to his face and read quarter past one, or perhaps quarter past two - he couldn’t quite tell - but he knew he’d slept through the entire day, and that was a good thing. Dan

and moving out, but Mart was different, Mart was unusual exceptional - and smart too. Dan had only known Mart for two months, but in that time his kinks and eccentricities had become more endearing than alarming. Then there was the room, the room was great: there was a garden just outside his window and to top that - it was a low-rent deal with no bond. This was the sort of room that was never advertised, it was passed on by word-ofmouth from friend-to-friend and Dan knew this, Dan knew the 22

horror of flat hunting in the city. For months he’d got Loot so fresh

number. The lettering looked as though it had been written with a

from the press it was still warm, but the flats within his budget

black fountain pen.

were meeting places for rising damp, falling damp and dry rot - or worse still they were fictional: ‘I’m sorry Mr Strong but that one has gone, however we do have something that’s just come in…’

Dan reached for his mobile, slid it open and dialled, ‘Hi, I’m calling about the room - the one in the newsagent’s window.’

The last ‘just come in’ Dan had viewed was a bed-sit in a large

The voice at the other end apologised, ‘Yeah, sorry mate… what’s

Victorian house with a communal kitchenette stroke diner. By the

your name?’

grimy sink was a pile of dirty crockery, the plates mouldy with decaying convenience food and used mugs half filled with soapy water, Dan had to force himself to keep his mouth closed: the soapy water suggested somebody had tried to wash-up but had

‘Dan.’ ‘Yeah, sorry Dan, the room: gone.’

then just lost heart. When Dan moved closer he could see the

Dan felt angry, ‘Thanks, that sounds about right. Shall I take the

tops of syringes sticking out of the mugs. The agent had coughed

card down?’

and said, ‘I believe a diabetic lives in one of the rooms upstairs’. It was while Dan was walking back from that particular bed-sit that he’d passed a newsagent’s: the window was dotted with handwritten postcard sized adverts from local people with local services. One - on plain white card - read I Need You To Lose Weight another - written on day glow pink card - said Make Money From Home Now, Phone Me and Ask Me How! Next to that was the inevitable French Maid For Domestic Services this was written in spidery blue biro and all the i’s were dotted with circles which gave it a tragic air. Underneath the Maid was a lined file card that simply read Small Garden View Room In Ground Floor Flat, Good Rate For The Right Person, then a mobile

‘?’ ‘Remove the card, so other people don’t call you.’ ‘No, that’s ok, you can leave it.’ Dan slid his phone closed, but before he could reach the end of the street it beeped with a text, which read: ‘What would you do if you had just twenty-four hours to live?’ In that second Dan remembered, a few years ago he’d gone on a blind-date-througha-mutual-friend to an art-house-smart-house re-run called Ran. It was a Japanese version of King Lear, but the reviews said it was a bloodbath of severed limbs - and apparently Alice (the date) was a Tarantino fan so that was a double hit. The film was both 23

those things but - at the same time - it just seemed to go on

then work had pushed it out, then after that it had been packed

forever. When the end finally came they had both sighed, eased

for beach reading, but he’d always fallen asleep before getting

their aching bums off the cinema seats and staggered outside.

past more than a handful of pages. When he’d gone to the

Alice said, ‘That was the worst fucking film I’ve ever seen in my

kibbutz his cohort had been initially impressed, but six months

life. If I have twenty-four hours to live I’m going to see that film

down the line they had started to say, ‘Fuck Dan, are you still

again, coz it made three hours seem like a fucking lifetime.’ They

reading that?’ Without any more thought he texted: ‘I’d read Don

had said goodbye and she’d given him a frosty handshake and

Quixote.’ He had to turn the spell-checker off to get his phone to

then she sprinted for the bus, sprinted. Alice just couldn’t get

accept Quixote.

away fast enough. But - Dan realised - Alice’s appearance in his memory wasn’t appropriate here. He u-turned and went back to the newsagent’s window, to check what he already knew: it was the same number. He stroked his chin, this was a serious question, so to reply with a joke would not work. Dan dug into his journalistic training. What was the question about? What was the answer this question was looking for? He stroked his chin. Perhaps a clever answer would be nothing: that you live your days in the moment, and so the threat

The next time Dan’s phone beeped, there was an address and a name: Dan got the A to Z out, it was two streets away. Dan rang the doorbell and Martin answered. He had short dark hair in a centre parting, brown eyes and pale skin, he was muscular in the arms and wore a Lycra top to show it. He was quite a few inches short of six foot, so not short like a jockey, but not tall either. ‘So, how’s the flat hunting been?’ ‘So-so,’ Dan lied.

of death would not change your day a jot. Dan felt this was moving in the right direction now, he went as far as hitting reply

Martin opened the door, ‘Come in and I’ll give you the thirty-

and tapping in ‘nothing’ but when he read the single word back

second tour.’

he knew it was wrong - too negative. His eyes drifted to the window’s notices, one - framed in hand drawn daises - read

‘Oh, right, thanks.’

Learn Spanish In Your Own Home From Native Speaker. Dan had

‘To our left is the front room…’ In the far corner of the room was a

the perfect answer: he’d been trying to read Don Quixote for the

42-inch plasma and around the walls, shelves full of DVDs. In the

past three years. It had been recommended by a friend and he’d

centre of the room was an Indian coffee table stacked with

started reading in his last year of his Communications degree; but

magazines and a collection of small wooden boxes with Indian 24

gods carved into the lids. Moving back still further were two large sofas with ethnic throw cushions scattered on them. Dan said, ‘Nice.’ ‘Ok, moving up here…’ Martin moved up the corridor and pointed to a door with two padlock brackets screwed into it. ‘…this is my bedroom, I say my, I share it with Jen. The next room up is the boxy bathroom…’ Dan looked in, everything was painted gold: even the toilet seat was made from gold plastic. The whole room glowed like a panto set of Aladdin’s Cave. Martin coughed and lifted a beaded curtain made from laminated sweet wrappers. ‘… And this is the kitchen - but you probably worked that out.’ It was small but immaculate, there was a chrome espresso machine sparkling by the toaster, then at the side of the room, was a yellow Formica table and four matching chairs with tubular chrome legs. A map of London with crosses and circles scribbled across it was taped to the wall. ‘… And your room is just through

The stabbing pain in Dan’s bladder retuned, his body became a tight ball of pain and he rolled out onto the carpet with a soft thud. He crawled on hands and knees through the kitchen, pushing the curtain made from laminated sweet wrappers apart with his head then entering the all gold bathroom. He reached up to the hand basin and pulled himself upright with a grunt then he let his bladder empty with a soft ecstatic sigh. In the mirror his face was pale and gaunt, baby crow’s feet formed at the sides of his eyes and when he lifted his eyebrows his brow folded into all new lines - and was that a grey hair? Jesus. He squeezed some toothpaste onto his tongue then brushed his teeth. ‘Hello? Dan, is that you?’ Dan spat white foam; there were small streaks of red in it, ‘Hi Mart.’

there.’ Martin pointed to the end of the flat. ‘Go and have a look.’

‘Where have you been you dirty stop-out?’

Dan walked into the centre of the room and slowly turned around.

Dan felt himself blush; he’d lost the urge to kiss and tell. ‘Mad

A single bed took up half the floor space and the wardrobe was

deadlines.’

so narrow that the hangers had to be squeezed in sideways to fit. Dan calculated it would – actually – be possible to swing a cat, but its head would hit the wall in two spots. The big sell was the garden view – overgrown and out of control – but green and lush

‘Yeah right!’ ‘I’ll be right in, just need to make caffeine.’

and beautiful. On top of that there was no bond and rent was so

Dan made a double espresso in Mart’s chrome machine and -

reasonable Dan forgot to haggle.

with a couple of sips - felt his heart jumpstart back into life, he 25

drained the cup and made a second then walked into the front

have eating disorders, and now I’ve just started looking for

room. It showed all the evidence of a sold night in; an open DVD

women who are on their way to becoming millionaires.’

case with a mountain on the front and Alive written across it rested on the television. There were two piles of empty larger

‘Oh, what and that’s bad?’

bottles, stacked like bowling pins, one by Mart and the other by

Dan shifted a pile of books and sat on the sofa, ‘It’s not really

Nimrod. The elephant headed Ganesha box was wide open, the

bad, no, but it’s not why I became a journalist. You know, I

air was sweet with spliff.

thought I’d be exposing corrupt politicians, tracking down illegal

Dan looked at Nimrod. ‘I used one of your jokes last night.’ ‘Which one?’ ‘Achilles and the nuns having a stroke.’

arms dealers and flying out to the occasional war zone. I thought I’d be writing stories that would have gate in the headline.’ Mart said, ‘Hurmm,’ and nodded. Nimrod straightened, ‘So what about these women who are on

‘That’s a gem.’

the way to becoming millionaires? Any single?’

‘Oh yes, how is life on the tour busses?’

Dan shrugged his shoulders, ‘I’ve just found one so far.’

‘It’s getting colder now so there are less people, and less people

Nimrod said, ‘What’s her story?’

means less tips and less shifts. All the guides are fighting for the shifts and the shifts that I am getting are becoming very cold. What is life like in the world of women’s glossies.’

Dan: ‘She’s come up with a board game she says is going to sell by the bucket load…’ He was now beginning to feel much more awake, ‘…and it might just work, you see board games are very

Dan flashed back to the last week, the editor, the bollocking and

cheap to make, I mean most are card, dice and a few bits of

her nails the colour of newly oxygenated blood. ‘You know…’

plastic – really you are paying for the idea. Anyway the mark-up is

‘Go on,’ encouraged Nimrod.

phenomenal, so you don’t have to sell that many to start making cash. It’s called The Rules of Engagement and it’s all about

‘Two weeks ago I was interviewing women who were famous for

winning the ideal bloke, so you pick up points for having your hair

fifteen minutes and then last week I was researching women who

done or going to the gym, or buying a new outfit.’ 26

Nimrod popped open a beer and handed it to Dan. ‘So how does

Mart smiled, ‘You are talking about the Bible, I’m talking about

it work?’

Animal Farm.’

‘OK, so say you land on a dilemma square, well then you take the

Nimrod huffed and reached for the control, he turned the

appropriate card and it would say something like: ‘Ideal Man calls

television on then started to flick-flick-flick through channels. He

you on Thursday night and asks you to dinner the next day, do

landed on lesbian soft-core.

you: 1) Turn him down flat 2) Accept 3) Say you can’t do this week but you can do next or 4) Accept then stand him up?’ You

Dan looked at Mart, ‘Ok. So you’d - what - actually do the tasks?’

get points for the best answer.

‘Yeah,’ said Mart. ‘Why not?’

‘I could make a game like that,’ said Nimrod.

‘But what would you win? And what would the tasks be? And

‘Yes,’ Mart said. ‘But ours shouldn’t be about bagging some bloke. It should be about change, about being spontaneous and making the world into a better place. So you roll the dice, move a

how would you play it if you had to stop the game every time you did a task?’ There was a difficult silence while Mart stared at him. ‘Hey, I’m just trying to point out the potential pitfalls.’

counter, and land on a square, then you take a card and it has a

The front door slammed, from the darkness of the corridor came

task on it – a task that makes the world into a better place

a drunken mocking voice, ‘Jen, you prole don’t slam the fucking

somehow. If you complete the task you get a reward, like a piece

door when you come in from the pub! Some people are trying to

of pie in Triv. The first one to complete, say seven tasks, wins the

fucking sleep - Oops sorry.’

game.’ Mart said, ‘Fuck, Nimrod give me the clicker.’ Nimrod said, ‘Why seven?’ ‘What?’ Mart snapped, ‘Six is too short eight too long: god rested on the seventh day, there are seven deadly sins and seven commandments.’ Nimrods eyebrows knitted together ‘Ten Commandments -

‘Give me the remote.’ Nimrod’s fingers turned to butter, he pressed buttons with no effect, then he tried to throw Mart the remote but it fell wide,

surely?’ 27

hitting the bottles at his feet. Mart scrabbled on the floor, but it

was now just wearing a red lacy bra and matching French

was too late. Jen was in the room.

knickers (silk). She turned back to Mart (who was now ashen).

‘What’s that fucking noi…’ he voice trailed off as she stared at lesbians pleasuring each other. ‘What the fuck do you think you

‘Would you like to watch me spit-roasted by your mates Mart? Perhaps you could video it and send it in to your show.’

are doing?’ Jen was just under five foot and curvy. She had long

Now Mart was on his knees, ‘Sweetheart, Jen, I’m sorry. It was

red hair that hung down in curls. Her eyes were small and brown -

a…’

normally - now they were slits of rage, her top lip lifted into a snarl. ‘Fuck Mart, what’s this? What’s going on? You promised me?’ ‘Jen, sweetheart, it’s not how it looks.’ ‘Don’t you “it’s not how it looks” me Mr.’ She kicked off her heals and they flew inches above Mart’s head. ‘What’s wrong with me Mart? Am I not adventurous enough for you, am I not sexy

‘What happened to us Mart? You used to sing Elvis to me, it used to be romantic - all love and flowers - now it’s this filth then it’s spread’em and come to daddy.’ ‘Fuck,’ said Dan. ‘Yeah,’ said Nimrod. ‘That’s too much information.’ And they were away, up the corridor.

enough? Should I say, “Oh, Mart give it to me baby, give it to me. Oh, oh, oh.”’ She stepped on the coffee table and started

Nimrod crashed on the strip of carpet next to Dan’s bed, he

dancing around an imaginary pole. She licked the air. ‘Is that what

snored like a pig being slaughtered. Dan pushed the sides of his

you want? Shall I have my boobs stuffed and my lips pumped?

pillow around his head and when that didn’t work he got his belt

Shall I have my minge shaved into a runway?’ With two fluid

and tied it in place. He dozed for a few hours but a combination

movements Jen lifted her top off and pushed her skirt down to

of the two double espressos and the choking screaming cry of

her ankles.

Nimrod’s snoring made proper sleep impossible. At five Dan took his duvet and went to the front room to grab a few hours zzzzz on

Nimrod looked at Dan, bit his lip and mouthed ‘domestic’. They

the sofa. From the kitchen he could see that a light was already

inched away from the living room like cartoon characters. But Jen

on.

was not done with them, ‘No don’t leave on my account boys, stick around and you might get a bit of three on one action.’ She 28

Spontaneous Living

‘Oh the board game! And I was worried you might keep me awake.’ ‘This is an infinite loop, the mathematical symbol for infinity.’ ‘Very good, very deep, and the cards in the centre?’

Mart was kneeling in the centre of the room. Around him lay the

‘That’s where we put the task cards. Dan, ever heard of the

carnage of the night before. Random Rizlas and patches of

Situationsists? No? July 1957 Cosio d’Arroscia, Italy: eight artists

tobacco were scattered across the floor. Jen’s skirt and shoes

and writers got together over absinthe and declared a

were on the sofa and her red bra hung off a cushion.

commitment to a life of permanent novelty.’

Dan said, ‘Hi Mart, you ok?’ like they had just met each other in

‘What?’

the park. ‘The idea is this: every day we are walking down a straight line, ‘Yeah, good thanks.’ ‘Jen kick you out?’

then we come to a fork in the path and we have a choice: we can do what we normally do – the safe choice – or we can be spontaneous and do something different, break the pattern, do

‘I couldn’t sleep.’

something risky, do something wild.’

Dan threw his duvet on the sofa, ‘Join the club.’

‘You mean take the road less travelled.’

Mart picked up a pile of blank filing cards and started to shuffle

‘Well yes, yes exactly: take the road less travelled.’

them. He dealt a figure of eight on the floor and then placed a single card in the centre of each circle. ‘Every successful game has a shape, it’s the shape people remember; Monopoly square,

‘So what happened to these Situationists?’ ‘Came to nothing.’

Trivial Pursuit a hexagon, Scrabble has strips of letters, Boggle has a square of letters. We need to get the shape right first then

‘QED.’

the rest will fall into place.’ 29

Mart was not to be put off, ‘No, but you see it didn’t work because people struggle to be spontaneous; they always take the easy route, the groove worn by habit, the line of least resistance. That’s where the game comes in, because it’s a tool to pull them out of their day-to-day habits and make them spontaneous.’ ‘Right, well now it all makes sense.’ ‘Exactly, the players travel the loop, take a card and perform a task, if they fail or bail they miss a go, if they pass they get a halo and the first one to get seven halos wins the game.’ ‘Yeah?’

On Monday morning Dan stepped out of the tube and walked out onto the busy pavement. He looked around, then checked his watch, he was nine minutes from work and had sixteen minutes to get there - all was good. He crossed a road, picking his way between cars at a junction. He’d walked this way for three months; he knew the cracks in the pavement, the raised kerbstone two streets down from the office. He approached the penultimate junction: a busy pedestrian crossing. The green man was lit: it said go. But Dan didn’t. Dan stayed still watching it. A steady flow of suits flowed past him, occasionally bumping an elbow or a shoulder. A man in pinstripes said, ‘Young man, if you

‘There should be two sorts of task, a community growth pile

are going to cross, cross. If you are not, get out of the way to

which contains safe community building tasks like recycle your

allow others to cross.’

mobile phone, register as a donor, turn the tap off when you are brushing your teeth - that sort of thing.’

Now the green man was flashing, putting the pressure on, saying If you don’t cross soon, that will be it, I’ll be gone and then the

‘And the second pile?’ ‘More radical, more edgy.’ Dan stroked his chin. ‘Is there a name?’ ‘I thought Infinite Loop, but that was a bit obvious. What do you think about The Unfinished Universe?’

red man will come, and you don’t want that. Dan thought of the editor, of the morning ahead phoning up women with their get rich ideas. Then he thought of Mart, and about the Situationists, about being spontaneous. He said, ‘This is my fork in the road, I can be spontaneous, unpredictable, daring. I can walk along the road less travelled.’

Dan felt it was a crap name but he wanted sleep more than he wanted to argue. ‘Yeah Mart, good job.’

Five minutes later Dan was speaking into Vicki’s door. 30

‘Hello yes?’ ‘Hey, it’s Dan.’ ‘You’ve got a fucking nerve.’ The door buzzed.

first bloke that I’ve ever asked out? Do you know that it took me days of plucking up my courage to pick the phone up and just talk with you?’ Dan wanted to run, crawl or curl up and die but Vicki’s anger fixed him to the spot. This was the woman he’d had wild drugged-up sex with, this was the woman who’d called him tiger. He stepped

Vicki was waiting by her door, arms folded and teeth clenched.

closer to her, wrapped his arms tightly around her and kissed her

‘Flowers and chocolate, nice, thanks Dan.’

lips - it was a high risk strategy. Her body relaxed in his grip. After

Dan looked at his empty hands. ‘Oh, I didn’t think.’

a minute she pulled away. ‘That, Dan Strong,’ she said, ‘is a bit more like it.’

‘Didn’t think, no not even a fucking Mars bar!’ ‘Sorry.’

Three hours later Dan called in sick from Vicki’s bathroom. As he

‘Sorry for what Dan? Go on pick a reason; for sleeping with me

talked on the mobile he looked at his reflection in her mirror. His

then fucking off while I was unconscious or for not calling the

body was covered in scratches and bruises. He had love bites so

next day or for turning up on my doorstep uninvited?’

big they joined-up over the base of his neck and the cuts in his

‘Oh.’

back were so deep they were still smudging blood. ‘Yeah, I think it’s that twenty-four hour thing that’s been going around the

‘How – Dan – how do you think I felt when I woke up expecting to

office.’ After hanging up he twisted in the mirror to admire the

reach for you, expecting to touch you and hold you? And what do

new look. To Dan pleasure and pain had always been polar

I find? A note telling me you’ve gone – hello, know that, worked

opposites, but here today, on the road less travelled, he’d found a

that one out.’

place where they met.

‘It was just…’ ‘I blame myself. My friends all said don’t ask him out because he’ll just end up using you. Dan do you realise that you are the 31

Game On

had been draped in a bed sheet, which was in turn covering up a series of towers and domes like some architect’s veiled model of a futuristic city. Dan reached down to lift a corner of the sheet. ‘No,’ warned Mart. Then he waved his hand in the air. He was reaching for a piece of fishing line that was threaded up to the

The week went well: Dan had worked late each and every day to make up for Monday’s sicky. It was true that there had been a difficult moment when a partial love bite had been witnessed rising out of the side of his collar, but he’d skilfully talked his way

central light fitting and then reached down to the centre of the sheet. Mart pulled and the sheet lifted into a pyramid of cotton while at the same time a small cloud of dust came from the ceiling around the light fitting.

through this by explaining it was an allergic reaction to a new

Dan found himself looking down at the table – mesmerised – his

aftershave. He must have got a way with it – he reasoned –

mouth fell open and a small trickle of beer dribbled out onto his

because mid–week a new computer was delivered to his desk

tie. ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Wow.’ Dan was looking at the best bits of every

and then – for a split second – he thought the mercurial editor

board game he’d ever played; they had all been sliced, edited

was actually smiling at him. As for keeping Vicki happy – Dan had

and reassembled into a figure eight. Right then it had occurred to

learnt his lesson well – every day he’d sent either flowers or

Dan that if Dr Frankenstein had been more interested in Twister

chocolates. In return he’d received a series of the most explicit

than reanimation this is what he’d have created, but Dan said

texts known to man: when Saturday came, Dan had been

nothing, he could say nothing, he just groped.

promised, he was going to be shown techniques that would make the Karma Sutra look like a Jackanory story. And it was because of this that Dan had planned for Friday night to be a quiet one in, to recharge his batteries in readiness, but that was all about to change. As Dan came through the door a freshly opened ice–cold beer was thrust into the palm of his hand, Mart slipped an arm around Dan’s back and ushered him into the front room. The coffee table

Mart filled the silence, ‘This is just a prototype, just to show how it could look. You can see I’ve put a plastic dome with dice in the centre and a stack of task cards in the middle of each circle. I’ve designed the counters, but they are not made yet, they’ll be poles, which you can stack the halos onto, so they become part of your counter. We’ll have to use bottle tops for the moment.’ ‘Sure, whatever.’

Using the base of a cigarette lighter Mart popped open another

‘Hey Mart they are all exactly the same, you’ve written the same

bottle of beer and put the top on GO. ‘Want to play?’

thing on all of them.’

‘Sure,’ said Dan again, followed by, ‘why not?’ He reached over

Mart reached under the sofa and pulled out a green shoebox.

into the centre of the board and pressed the dome, the dice

‘Some things,’ he said, ‘do take a little bit of planning… here.’ He

jumped obediently and came up with two single dots. Dan moved

pulled off the top off the box and the smell of fresh plastic filled

two spaces.

the room, the box was full of bundles of stickers each bound in

‘Snake eyes,’ said Mart. ‘Have another go.’

an elastic band. On the top was a red and white oblong, Weapon of Mass Destruction. Next to that was Cars Are The Biggest

Next up was a three and a six; Dan moved the counter again, this

Killers Of Children Between The Age Of Twelve And Sixteen.

time he landed on a square with Spontaneous Community

There was also a sticker that read You are twice as likely to kill at

Growth Card written on it. ‘Should I take one?’

thirty–five mph than thirty and finally a round sticker that read Car War: car was written horizontally and war was vertical, so the ‘a’

Mart smiled. ‘Go on.’ Dan took a card and read it, his brow scrunched up. ‘What is this? I thought these tasks were to make the world into a better

was shared by both words and that A was a capital, circled to be the anarchist’s logo. ‘Nice selection,’ said Dan.

place, like helping old ladies across the road or giving money to charity, that sort of thing: this is way past that.’

‘So, what do you think?’

‘Dan,’ Mart said. ‘Dan, Dan, Dan, you need to start thinking

He shrugged his shoulders, ‘What do you mean? Yes, they are

outside the box, we’ve got to be spontaneous, we’ve got to push

great… but why should you care what I think?’ Dan suddenly

the edge of the envelope and – in general – like you said before

inhaled as the grinding cogs of his brain lubricated with beer

“take the road less travelled” what do you think?’

suddenly started to move into sequence. ‘Oh I get it, you want us to actually go out and do this.’

Dan finished the beer, ‘I think it’s a bit mad, but it’s your game so I guess you can do what you want with it.’ Then he reached down to the game cards, picked them up and spread them out in a fan.

‘We can hardly make a game and not play it ourselves.’ ‘But this…’ 33

‘Dan seriously,’ said Mart. ‘Do something different, do something

Dan sighed then rolled the dart between his thumb and first

spontaneous. Look what happened this week, you did something

finger, ‘Well alright then.’

spontaneous, and see how that paid off.’

‘Go on,’ said Mart. ‘Be spontaneous, be alive, let chance come

Dan stroked his chin, ‘Well that is true.’

into your life.’

‘So take another chance right now, be spontaneous and play the

Dan fingered the flights as straight as he could. Then he held the

game.’

dart like a mini javelin and threw. He looked in horror at the map.

Dan was still unsure, ‘Tomorrow’s going to be…’ ‘Look Dan you told me you wanted to work on stories with gate in

‘Oh god,’ he said. ‘Can we make it best out of three?’ Mart shook his head. ‘The dart has spoken and we must act.’

the title, well this is it, this could be the story of the year, and here you are right at the start of it. But you can’t just report from the sidelines Dan, you can’t just sit on the fence, to write about this properly you have to experience it. You have to live it, you have to breathe it, you have to be in the centre of it.’ Dan liked the idea of being in the centre and also liked the idea of being on top of a ‘gate’ story, ‘But tonight?’ ‘If we don’t do it now it will never happen, something will always come up to stop us, and it will just be so much beer talk.’ That was true enough. ‘Where then?’ Mart lead Dan into the kitchen, opened a draw, pulled out a dart with chewed red plastic flights and handed to Dan. Then he

At Sloane Square cars that looked like they’d just emerged from Sunday supplements cruised the streets. It was beginning to get a little cold and a little dark, but sparkling gas heaters allowed the city’s beautiful people to sip white wine spritzers on pavement tables for just a little bit longer. Mart was elated, ‘Remember the Sloanes?’ Dan said, ‘What?’ ‘Princess Di was one, Sloanes or Sloane Rangers. You know stand–up collars and pearl chokers.’ ‘Before my time mate.’

pointed to the map on the wall, ‘I thought you could decide where

‘Well they took their name from this part of town – Sloane

we’d strike first.’

Square.’ 34

‘Right, well that’s sort of interesting, hey look Mart, nobody wants

The third was easer still, in fact with every passing sticker Dan felt

to walk down the road less travelled more than me, but are you

more and more confident. He was up to vehicle twenty–four – a

sure this is a good idea?’

vintage white two seater Porsche – before things started to go

Mart let the question hang. They walked past Peter Jones up along King’s Road.

tits–up. He was just thinking that this car with its electric blue go– faster stripe and ridiculous plastic spoiler growing out of the back was just like the Scalextric model he’d had as a kid (where was it now) that he heard the voice.

‘You take the left side, I’ll take the right.’ He dug into his bag and pulled out five bundles of stickers, ‘When you finish those, we’re done for the night and I’ll take you out to the pub, my round, all night.’

‘Oi you! What the fuck do you think you’re doing?’ Dan looked up. He saw background first – like a camera that wasn’t focused properly. Designer twenty–something women

Dan exhaled slowly until his lungs were as empty as he could

were watching from a café pointing with manicured fingernails.

make them, then he breathed in deeply, reached over to Mart and

One broke into a nervous laugh, another covered her eyes then

took the stickers.

peered between her fingers theatrically. Dan forced himself to focus on the source of the voice. It was a man and he was

Go. Dan walked up the pavement, heart pounding in his ears: I’m committed, I’m in, I’m spontaneous, I’m doing this and this is doable. I’m in the zone. This is a story with gate in the title. He walked behind a shiny white BMW and went through a

dressed in clubbing gear, a white tight t–shirt that showed off both his salon tan and a network of toned muscles. He was perhaps thirty–nine, he had a receding black hairline which was tied back into a ponytail – the sort of look only hippies and the really hard can get away with.

pantomime of discovering his lace was undone, bending down to

Dan gasped and his heart jumped into flight or fight mode.

tie it up then, with a quick twist of the wrist peal–slap–and–

Primary aim: to avoid pain at all costs: was pain inevitable? Was

smooth the first sticker – cAr wAr – was away. At the next car – a

there a way out? Muscle man was asking a question, so did he

red Toyota – he went through the same mime: the untied lace,

want an answer? Would the right answer stop projected injury

down and slap and up. The second was easer, his heart had

and pain? Or should he just run? The details of the world started

slowed down a few beats and his breathing had become steadier.

to intensify, colours became more vivid and objects more 35

detailed, he could hear better too: small irrelevant noises flooded

warn you that I am a master of…’ the bus was coming now, ‘…

into his head like Daredevil when he got his powers for the first

extreme shiatsu.’ Muscles blinked in wonder and took a step

time; the sound of a cigarette being lit, far–off laughter and the

back. The bus passed and three–two–one–run–jump–twist, with

chug of a diesel engine. Muscles was pointing down at a bumper

the grace of a fleeing gazelle he took the chrome pole in midair.

‘What the fuck is that?’ Dan now had to assume was his car – the

There was a tug on his shoulder and his feet fell on those

symptom (perhaps) of an oncoming midlife crisis? Dan’s eyes

beautiful wooden bus planks.

moved down to the bumper that that now bore the legend Weapon of Mass Destruction at a slight angle. ‘Is that meant to be funny?’ Dan forced his eyes up from the bumper and focused on the pointing finger. It was shaking – shaking with rage – not good. In a flash his hand disappeared and Dan felt stinging pain on the right side of his face; this was followed by a warm throbbing sensation as the skin began to swell. Dan hadn’t had time to even see what he’d been hit with let alone duck it; he reasoned it was just an open palm because he was still on his feet. It happened again, this time on his left.

What a result. Dan’s fear turned into elation, he went to the back window and looked out. Muscles, framed in the glass, was watching Dan disappear down the street. His face was slack and broken, victory had been snatched from his jaws and now the girls were laughing, the one who’d put her hands over her face a minute ago was holding his sides with a hysterical fit. Dan made eye contact with Muscles and Muscles didn’t look so scary any more: once a wildcat but now no more than a pumped–up pussycat. Without thinking Dan smiled, then he lifted his arm up and waved it from side to side. Big mistake. Muscles clenched his

Muscles had a cause and an audience, now he knew he was

teeth; snarled and started into a sprint, bang, bang, bang, his

faster and stronger than Dan. No matter what angle you looked at

chest expanded. All his hours on the treadmill were now paying

this from, it stunk. From the corner of his eye Dan saw a flash of

off in spades. But the buses in the city are fast and with every

red, red like a large Lego brick, noise like a chugging tractor: it

second the distance between them was getting greater. Dan

had to be a bus, and it was old, perhaps a Routemaster: double–

sighed with relief and resisted the urge to wave again. As the bus

decker, wooden floor and – crucially – no door at the back. Dan

turned a corner Dan had a Vicki fantasy, where – over cocktails –

realised this was his one shot at salvation, but he needed to buy

he was telling her about his road less travelled a near miss

time: twenty seconds might be enough for the bus to pass by, it

adventure. She’d laugh and run a hand over the side of his face

was time to fake it: he inhaled, opened his mouth and screamed

then look into his eyes. She’d say something like, ‘What are you

like a girl then jumped into a faux kung fu position. ‘I’m obliged to 36

like?!’ then her voice would drop (all serious) and she’d say, ‘Dan,

hand. More blood. Things moved into slow motion. Muscles was

you’re my hero.’

looking at his hands, then he was looking repulsed at all the

The bus had stopped at a red light. Fuck. Dan looked up front,

blood. He was saying, ‘You could have fucking Aids.’

come–on–come–on, let’s go. It was amber. It was green the bus

Dan thought: Well if you didn’t want blood you shouldn’t have hit

pulled away in first. But it was too late, before the bus could get

me then should you? Now Muscles was wiping his hands on his

into second. Bang, he was here. He had one hand on the pole

shirt. Red smeared on white then everything went black.

and a foot followed. Some strands of his hair had come free of the ponytail and sweat drenched patches of his shirt. Dan backed away down the aisle, ‘Look mate let’s talk about this.’ But the time for talking had past, so had the time for playful slaps. Dan’s peripheral vision picked up two rows of frightened faces a boy with a skateboard was fumbling with his phone. Dan kept backing

The next time Dan opened his eyes a blurry circle of concerned faces was looking down at him. The conductor knelt down and asked, ‘You all right?’ The teen with a skateboard said, ‘I filmed it all on my phone mate.’ ‘Yes,’ said Dan. ‘I think so.’

up until his body came to rest against the metal and glass wall behind the driver. Now there was nowhere else to go. It was over. Muscles smiled, ‘I’m going to fucking kill you, you fucking cunt.’ Then he ran and jumped. The next thing Dan remembered was being flat–out on the

And things went black again. He was brought to consciousness by Mart shaking him. ‘People have called the police, we’ve got to get out of here.’ Dan was lifted to his feet and dragged off the bus.

wooden floor. Blood filled his mouth. He was pinned down with Muscle’s knees and he was saying, ‘Let’s sort that smart mouth out.’ Dan saw him lift his right arm and then brought it down. After

Accident and emergency was a three–hour wait on smooth

that Dan stopped feeling pain and started to feel detached. Have

orange plastic moulded chairs. The skin on Dan’s face became

I lost a tooth? Somebody once told me that if a tooth is knocked

tight – like a drum – his nose was blocked with dried blood and –

out you can just push it back in. Now who told me that? Mart

he imagined – broken bone. ‘You think my nose is

once said you could be identified by a single tooth if you were in

broken?’ (which came out ‘ou thnk mi noose is bor–kn?’)

a crash… hey where is Mart? Next there was a blow from the left 37

Mart shrugged his shoulders, ‘Put it this way you are certainly

just have to wait until it heals and then we can break it and reset it

going to have two black eyes.’

for you.’

Dan pushed a finger around the inside of his mouth to check for

They got the tube home. As the metal wheels rattled and

broken teeth, when he brought his finger out it was red with fresh

screamed on the tracks Dan turned to Mart and said, ‘You know

blood. He hunched over, rested his elbows on his knees and

Mart, I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve decided that the road

placed the palms of his hands against his forehead (one of the

less travelled is probably less travelled for a very good reason.’

few parts of him that didn’t hurt) then he leaned forward, sighed and closed his eyes. Mart said, ‘I could see the bloke and he had a whole gang of mates with him at the bar – typical – if I’d had gone over it would have escalated into a gang fight. I knew you wouldn’t want that.’ The doctor came over, he had dark semi–circles beneath his eyes. Underneath a long white coat he was wearing a baggy red Adidas tracksuit that looked like it had been slept in. ‘Let’s have a look at you young man. Hrmmm, been in the wars, you’ll need an x–ray.’ Twenty minutes later they were ushered into a curtained booth and Adidas doc returned with the x–ray and clipped it against the light box ER style. Dan said, ‘Is it broken?’ ‘Oh yes,’ he pointed to the x–ray. ‘It’s shattered all around the bridge. If it was a clean break we could pop it back in, but when the bone is shattered like this there’s not much we can do. You’ll 38

Aftermath

Over Marmite on toast Mart whipped out a camera and zoomed in for a close-up. Click-flash. ‘What’s that for?’ ‘It’s a surprise,’ he said.

Dan developed shiners the size of saucers. The bruises grew and

‘I’m sick of bloody surprises,’ said Dan.

bloomed; from smashed blood vessel red to apocalyptic yellow and decaying brown.

‘Look Dan, if it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger.’

At work the editor made Dan a cup of tea – an office first – then

‘Hey Mart, I’m not sure that’s strictly true.’

after pumping him for details she returned to her PC to prime the rumour-mill. After four days of electronic whispering the rumour

‘Huh?’

had travelled throughout the whole building and had finally got

‘Well you can - I don’t know - eat a bad hotdog and get food

back to Dan via the receptionist. ‘Is it true that the editor paid to

poisoning. That doesn’t kill you, but it doesn’t make you stronger

have you roughed up for producing shoddy copy?’ Insane. And

either.’

yet, reasoned Dan, not as insane as what had actually happened. So he said, ‘Yeah, can you believe it? I’m working much harder now.’ Dan thought Vicki would be a source of rich tea and sympathy. He figured – for sure – he’d have a few evenings of being dabbed

Mart changed the subject, ‘Oh right, so you won’t want to come to Jen’s studio party on Saturday?’ ‘Party?’ ‘Yeah, it’s going to be amazing.’

with witch-hazel and otherwise pleasured. But she did nothing of the sort. ‘You total prat,’ she said. ‘You deserve everything you got. I just hope it taught you a lesson. And that Mart sounds a complete wanker.’

‘So you’ve kissed and made up then?’ ‘Yeah sure, I’ve smoothed things over. And if we help her deliver the booze we’ll get in free. Here look,’ he stuffed a hand in his pocket and pulled out a flyer. It read Art like there is no today, party like there is no tomorrow: Apocalypse Later. ‘Come on Dan, 39

Nimrod’s coming, it will be a scream, it’s the least I can do for you.’ ‘Well,’ Dan said, ‘that’s true enough.’

Apocalypse Later

on-come-on let’s get this show on the road! Wait, look and listen: I can change the lights by using my mind, it’s my special power.’ He held his breath and screwed up his face in concentration. When the lights turned green he exploded, ‘I’ve done it, I have the power!’

Jen had borrowed a beaten-up red Volvo to carry the boxes of

‘Nimrod, will you be quiet!’ snapped Jen. ‘Mart control your

booze. ‘There will be vodka and Red Bull for two quid a pop and

friend!’

the exhibition space will double as a nightclub after eleven. Cool?’ ‘Cool,’ said Dan. ‘Double cool,’ said Nimrod.

Next the Volvo slipped onto one of Nimrod’s tour routes and he went into hyper-babble autopilot: ‘On our left is the back on the M15 secret service building. This you will recognise as being used in the opening sequence of the James Bond film Die Another Day. This is the most secure building in London but unfortunately (and

Mart just nodded.

this is just between you and I) there was an “incident” last week.’

Jen continued. ‘They’re being tight with the guest list so I’ll give

‘What?’ said Dan who had only been half listening.

you some boxes to carry and that will get you in.’

‘Didn’t you see it in the papers Dan? When the morning shift

Nimrod picked up a can and said, ‘Rocket fuel for the party

came in they found that somebody had stolen every single toilet

animal.’ He popped it open and chugged it back in five quick

seat in the building.’

gulps. He looked a bit pale, inhaled and banged his chest. ‘Just working it through.’ Jen said, ‘You owe me for that Nimrod. Now start packing.’ Twenty minutes later they were pulling away. Nimrod popped open his second can. They stopped at their first red and he

‘No way.’ ‘Yes way,’ Nimrod smiled. ‘In the article it said they have their suspicions but at the moment they have nothing to go on!’ Even Jen had to laugh at that.

started to rap his fingers against the window, ‘Come-on-come41

A beat later Nimrod was saying, ‘On our left you can now see the

a smooth stomach and a chest to leave home for. Both were

Houses of Parliament and Big Ben. Big Ben is possibly London's

painted, head to toe, in gold.

most famous landmark. Designed in 1844 by the architect Charles Barry. The total height of the tower is 316 feet. The name 'Big Ben' is thought to have come from Sir Benjamin Hall,

Mart nudged Dan, ‘Fucking-hell.’ ‘Yeah, how long do you think they have to stay still like that?’

Commissioner of Works who was a man of considerable size.’ ‘Who cares?’ Jen slammed the breaks on, ‘We’re here!’ They all got out of the car and walked over. Up close the statues ‘And here,’ continued Nimrod. ‘On our right, we have Jen’s studio

looked even more sensual, but it was clear the woman’s left eye

discreetly tucked away in two railway arches dating back to the

was blood-shot and swollen. Some of the gold paint had got into

early Victorian period, ah the hay-day of steam…’

it, or perhaps it was because she hadn’t blinked for so long.

‘Nimrod, hush!’ said Jen, like she was scalding a four-year old.

Without speaking Nimrod quickly went to the car and returned with two boxes. He placed them at her feet, stood on them and

And Nimrod did go quiet, but not because of Jen. He’d seen

gently wiped the bottom of her eye with his cuff. ‘It’s clean,’ he

something out of the window that had stopped him dead in his

whispered.

tracks. Jen was talking, ‘Come on lads, earn your entry, take the drink through, we’re already late.’ But Nimrod didn’t hear a word his eyes were locked onto the entrance to the studio. Up a short flight of stairs were two human statues standing on columns. On the left was a muscle-boundsix-packed Adonis wearing tight scrotum hugging short-shorts,

Jen was following, ‘Nimrod stop that! Watch the drink! Oh for goodness sake. Claire will get her pay docked if she moves.’ ‘Wow,’ said Nimrod stepping down. ‘You know her?’ Jen shoved Nimrod though the door, ‘Yes Claire, but she won’t let anybody call her Claire, she makes you call her Flame.’ ‘?’

on the right stood a female counterpart. She appeared to be physically perfect: she was aerobicised rather than muscular with

‘You’ll see later. Now get those drinks to the bar: people are getting thirsty in there!’ 42

pistol and fired off six rounds. Six little holes peppered the •••

forehead of the French prime minister. A twenty-something bloke dressed head to toe in black with a big silver pistol pendent hanging at his neck shouted, ‘Nice shooting.’

Past the arch the music was loud enough to vibrate internal organs. Nimrod used a blind spot to stuff his pockets with cans while the barman made them triple measure vodka cocktails in throwaway plastic cups. ‘Ice?’ Then he caught sight of Dan’s swollen face and stopped short. ‘Jeez what happened to you?’ Before Dan could answer Nimrod chirped in. ‘You should see the other bloke, not a scratch on him!’

And approached Mart with his hand extended for a shake. Nimrod picked up the gun and had fired five times, but he had failed to hit the target even once. The plastic shot ricocheted off the curved walls into the crowd. He bit his lip, returned the gun and grabbed Dan’s shoulder. ‘Hey, let’s move on.’ Next up was a plastic pyramid: from a distance it looked like it was made up from white globes the size of footballs, as Dan got

Dan scowled, ‘You know Nimrod, that wasn’t funny the first time

closer he could see it was actually made from life-sized skulls. A

and it still…’

fountain of red came from the top and tricked down, out of their eye sockets.

Mart cut in, ‘Come on! Before Jen gets us to do something else.’ ‘Strange mix,’ said Nimrod. ‘Part horror-show, part homes and The main gallery was full of cool and beautiful people sipping

gardens.’

uniform red cocktails and shouting into each other’s ears. Other exhibits included a painting of a mushroom cloud; but in Mart pointed to the first installation and they drifted over. It was a

the centre of the atomic dust was a close-up of a dollar bill. ‘A

shooting gallery called: All Politicians Are Scum. There was a

cliché and yet effective,’ said Nimrod. Next to that was a huge

collection of pistols and photocopied world leaders with targets

square canvas with four horses breathing fire. Mounted on them

printed on their foreheads. The blurb read: those who seek power

were caricatures of four political leaders. Nimrod put his hands on

are the last people who should get their hands on it: squeeze the

his hips and puckered his lips, ‘Now that’s just a bit obvious.’

trigger and make our world into a safer place. Mart picked up a ‘Oh yeah,’ said Dan. ‘Four horsemen of the…’ 43

But Nimrod had already moved on. He was now looking at a shelving unit full of yellow rubber ducks. Each had a target painted on the side. ‘I-like-it-I-like-it. I’m not quite sure why I like it but I do.’ Next up was a cubical the size of a photo booth. It had desensitivity / resensitivity box written over it. Inside was a small seat just big enough for two to squeeze in. ‘Inhale,’ said Nimrod as he pushed in behind Dan. Inside was a television screen with two big round buttons underneath it, the first read, desensitise and the second read

‘Fuck,’ said Dan. After the screen went blank Nimrod pressed the second button, ‘Well who knows?’ The screen blinked in a countdown again. But this time there was just one image: a fluffy white purring kitten with take-me-homeand-love-me eyes. Nimrod laughed so hard snot came out of his nose. ‘God Nimrod,’ said Dan and they tumbled out. Jen popped up from the crowd. ‘What do you think?’

resensitise. ‘Love it,’ said Nimrod. ‘Darlinnnn, it’s the new black, right Dan?’ ‘Is this it?’ said Dan. ‘Oh yeah, great: er, it’s post-modern ironic with a twist of kitsch.’ Nimrod hit the first button, but nothing happened, ‘I think it’s broken.’ But a second later the monitor blinked into life: a blip

Jen smiled, ‘Oh, fuck-off Dan! No wonder you got your face

then a fading circle – like radar, 4, 3, 2. There was the sound of an

broken, hey, have you seen my installation yet?’

explosion and the screen was full of black and white grainy footage: soldiers walking in a line, each one with an arm resting on the shoulder of the man in front. Then the film cut to an oriental man on his knees. There was a close-up of his head while a gun was put to his temple. Pop, a small spray came from the far temple and he slumped forward. Cut to a naked girl walking out in the road crying, arms wide open like she was looking for a hug. Cut to a wall of human skulls. Fade to an atomic bomb exploding.

Dan: ‘I thought you made cards.’ ‘Normally yeah, but not for this show.’ She led them over to a children’s paddling pool at the far side of the room. It contained about fifty of the cards normally stuck-up in phone boxes all over the city. Most contained semi-naked women, one read, I love my job another said, young and eager to

please a third had a woman tied down with a ball strapped into

Mart rocked up brandishing a pistol. ‘Gavin, gave it to me, how

her mouth and a number.

cool is that?’

‘I wanted people to pee in the pool,’ said Jen.

Nimrod reached for the gun, ‘Gavin?’ Mart nodded. ‘Hey there’s a

‘I can see it fine,’ said Nimrod ‘What?’ said Dan. ‘No,’ she shouted. ‘Pee! But nobody will do it.’ Dan: ‘?’ Jen: ‘It’s a statement, it’s interactive art.’

phone number written on the barrel.’ ‘Yeah?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘And check this out.’ Mart took the gun back and unscrewed the base to reveal three blue pills. ‘They are Mitsubishis, a present from Gavin. He’s taken them himself, says they are great – a bit speedy.’

Dan: ‘I get bladder-block in a crowd.’ ‘I’m up for it,’ said Nimrod. Jen: ‘What about you Nimrod?’ Dan said, ‘Perhaps a half.’ Nimrod didn’t need to be asked twice. A yellow arc started to fall on the cards. Jen pulled away to avoid the splash-back. Nimrod

But Mart was adamant, ‘Stop sitting on the fence Dan and just go

shook theatrically and zipped-up. Jen gave him the thumbs up.

for it, have the whole pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.’

And Nimrod said, ‘Annnyyyne time.’ Then he turned to Dan, ‘Got any cash, I need another drink?’ ‘What about all that caffeine stuff?’

The small round pill made Dan’s mouth taste like a chemical spill. Thirty minutes after it dissolved the music began to sound less like noise to be shouted over and more a rhythm that bound them altogether. It became uncomfortable to sit still. Before he knew

‘All gone now.’ ‘Wow.’

what was happening the three of them were in the middle of the room – letting the music take control of their bodies. Dan saw that in the far corner of the gallery was a flickering column of orange. It was difficult to make out what was happening at first. It was at 45

least 9ft high and the movement came from a fan underneath that

Now Flame was dancing on her one spot and handing out cards

was pushing air up. That meant that there had to be some sort of

to other people, but Nimrod stayed still, fixed to the spot. After

platform. It was a costume. A woman’s arms were spreading out

five minutes he dropped to his knees and put his hands together

and waving to the beat of the music.

as if he was praying, worshipping. Then he touched her flame

‘It’s her,’ said Nimrod. ‘It’s Flame.’ He walked up to her and she bowed then handed him a card, he read it and then laughed. ‘He’s got no chance,’ said Jen. Mart said, ‘Why not?’

dress and pulled back like his hand had been burnt. After half an hour of prayer Flame slipped out of her costume, took Nimrod’s hand and started to dance. ‘There you go,’ said Mart. Then he got the gun out from his belt and had started to wave it around the room. ‘One word of truth sounds like a pistol shot.’ He wasn’t the only one with a gun. It

‘For a start Flame is this big love-and-peace hippy-chick so I

would appear Gavin had been handing them out to anyone who

don’t think Nimrod would have much in common with her.’

showed interest, yellow plastic ammo was ricocheting around the

Dan cut in, ‘He’s seen her almost naked covered in gold paint, a few joss sticks aren’t going to put him off.’ Jen said, ‘And there is the other thing.’ Dan: ‘What’s that?’ ‘She’s - no offence Dan but…’ ‘But what?’ ‘She’s way, way, way out of Nimrod’s league.’

room. Dan retreated to the booth to chill out and shelter. The purring kitten comforted him no end. He saw it in sumptuous hairby-hair detail. When he closed his eyes he could still see the kitten as if it had become tattooed on his retinas. ‘So sweet,’ he whispered to himself. An hour later Jen’s inflatable pool was getting full. Soon only a thin layer of surface tension was keeping some pretty evil liquid in place. Between the bullets and the pee Dan decided to call it a night.

Dan shrugged his shoulders, ‘I don’t know, he’s on form tonight. He might just pull it off.’

The Smell of Gear

‘Err, yes.’ ‘Having it large?’ ‘Err, yes.’ ‘And do you think that gives you the right to snooze on my time?’

Dan looked at his screen, at the pipes growing out of the blackness. Why? What was the point? He had to keep on telling himself that it would pass, that the dark cloud hovering over his head was a chemical shadow that would clear in time. While a hangover was little more than headache this was something different: every molecule in his body just couldn’t be bothered any more. Even unconscious acts seemed to be demanding huge amounts of effort: air was like mud which needed to be sucked up and when Dan blinked closing his eyes was easy enough, but opening them was a trial. Bang. ‘What?’ Awake. The pipes had disappeared. The editor’s fist had come down on the computer.

‘Oh no, not at all.’ ‘No, not at all! Look at you: you’re fucked.’ There was no argument there. ‘The work you are doing is crap.’ There was – actually – no argument there either (it was all Dan could do to string a sentence together). ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘Dan, clear your desk and then go home.’ She turned around and headed back into her office and closed the door. Dan looked around. All were pretending that he had suddenly become invisible; all - that is - except Sam who was now holding up three fingers and sporting a triumphant grin. The contents of Dan’s desk: one battered Lamy aluminium pen, a box of cartridges, two Qees and a tape recorder fitted into his pockets without difficulty.

White hand, red nails the colour of freshly oxygenated… this was not good.

Out on the pavement he inhaled the pollution; perhaps this was a good thing? Home meant sleep and rest. All good. No, no, he no

‘Dan, Dan my little man. Big weekend?’

longer had a job, it was crap. Losing a job was not good. No, no it 47

wasn’t it was crap, it was drops of black ink falling into clear water: it was darkness, it was fear, it was nuclear waste, it was signing on, it was Richard and Judy, it was the end.

Mart opened up the crack in the door. Dan was not disappointed. Inner Sanctum

••• The windows were blacked out with bin bags taped to the frames. The only light in the room came from three big panels that The door to Mart’s room was closed tight but the smell of sweet skunk had drifted everywhere. The door clicked open and a sliver of Mart’s face appeared in the crack. A dilated pupil darted left and right. ‘Why are you home? Are you alone?’ ‘Fired. Are you stoned?’ ‘Not stoned brother, enlightened. I’m opening up the doors of perception. I’m seeing things as they really are. Want some? It will help with the comedown.’

seemed to hover in the darkness. Dan said, ‘I got fired today.’ ‘Here’ Mart passed over the ashtray, which cradled the spliff, ‘Congratulations - and I did hear you the first time.’ Dan put the roach to his lips and inhaled. The tip glowed red and his eyes slowly adjusted to the lack of light. ‘Thanks’ The panels now started to look like computer screens. Dan could just make out a black backlit keyboard beneath them. He blinked, then when he looked at the right panel he saw his own face

Dan shrugged his shoulders, ‘Ok.’ He doubted it would help, but

bruised and stretched staring back at him, a reflection? No. It was

he’d just lost his job so, he figured, he might as well get stuck into

attached to a body on a crucifix and he was slowly revolving

the perks of unemployment. Also, in the four months he’d been

though 360 degrees

living in the flat he had never even glimpsed into Mart’s padlocked bedroom. Now, not only was there going to be spliff but there would be full access too.

‘What the fuck?’ ‘You are looking at your own personal avatar, watch.’ Mart tapped the keyboard and the character stopped spinning. Then he hit a 48

few more keys and the figure got off the crucifix and hopped to

Dan laughed. Now his eyes had adjusted to the half-light he could

the centre monitor. ‘I can make you run.’ He hit a few keys and

make out shelves, which were stacked with door-stopping

the avatar ran, walk (same deal) ‘Or I can even make you look a

computer manuals. Titles like Advanced C++ and Practical

bit bored, the avatar rested on an invisible wall, stretched his

Networking. Next to them were equally dense tomes on history

arms and a hand moved over Dan’s mouth, like he was yawning.

and political theory. In contrast a large Matrix box set and a well-

‘I’m impressed and yet, also a little frightened.’ ‘It’s phase two of the game,’ Mart said.

thumbed cult TV guide were stacked on a bedside cabinet. Dan could just see - half hidden under the bed - were some blue plastic coated dumbbells and strap-on Velcro weights. Jen’s side – in contrast – was girlie (pink and gold throw cushions) her

‘What? Oh, yeah, nice computer.’ ‘The computer? Yes, it’s dangerously up to the minute and state of the art. I kid you not - NASA doesn’t have the stuff I’ve installed.’ ‘Cutting edge.’ Dan said.

shelves were full of arty-nick-knacks: hand-carved Indian puppets and patches of embroidered cloth with small circular mirrors sown in. The book by her bed was called, Women Who Love Too Much. Dan looked back at the monitors. His avatar was yawning and suddenly Dan found himself yawning too. ‘Mart, could you put me

‘No,’ Mart corrected. ‘Bleeding edge.’

back on jog?’

Dan saw that above the panels were circuit boards stuck on the

‘Sure.’

wall. He said. 'And what’s with the boards?’

‘Hey I’m a computer character, like Sonic or Zelda or Lara, how

‘I update once a month. Any chips that are out of date are ripped

cool is that? I’ve been fired and made virtual in one afternoon. So

out. But I can’t chuck them so I put them up on the wall.’

Mart, are you thinking of a computer version of the game?’

‘I bet Jen likes that.’

‘Perhaps. It’s just something I’m working on, playing with, you

Mart went for the spliff, ‘She calls it Borgification.’

know, it’s no big deal.’ The doorbell rang, Mart took off like a coiled spring, ‘Who’s that now?’ 49

Dan said, ‘It’s probably just Nimrod, I’ll let him in.’

Dan said, ‘Like what?’

It was Nimrod and he was loved up. He sat on the edge of the

‘Like, I don’t know, winning the lottery, getting married, living with

bed and looked into space. Mart asked how it went with Flame,

Maoris in New Zealand or perhaps even after a bungee jump.

‘She’s just amazing,’ he gushed. ‘I mean, you know I normally – if

Just - you know - so the events of the world have left some sort

there’s somebody I really fancy I just can’t talk with them. But

of visible mark on you.’

Flame, you know: it’s different. Like it was meant to be.’ ‘Yeah,’ said Dan. ‘So are you seeing her later tonight?’ ‘She said she’s working.’ Nimrod didn’t look surprised or interested at the images on the computer, after glancing at them he said, ‘haven’t you finished this yet?’ Mart flicked his fingers over the keyboard. ‘Prepare for shock and awe.’ Two more characters now materialised in the right and left panels. All three watched their avatars running without breaking into a

Dan said, ‘I did A Day In The Life Of A Tattoo Parlour, for my old local paper a few years ago. The bloke who ran the scratch-shop said he’d give me a freebee. But I couldn’t decide what to have.’ Mart: ‘Yeah that’s the thing.’ Dan: ‘I thought seriously about Pot Noodle’ Mart: ‘Very post modern.’ Dan: ‘I grant you yes, but what would it say?’ Nimrod: ‘I don’t know, perhaps Curry Flavour?’ ‘No, about me, what would it say about me?’

sweat. Mart cut in, ‘After uni I went to Cuba and thought about a Che There was more smoking.

Guevara tat, but decided against it.’

Mart said, ‘I think you should have a tattoo to mark a major event

They watched themselves running again: in the same hypnotic

in your life.’

loop, never stopping and never getting tired.

‘You mean me?’ said Nimrod.

Nimrod said, ‘So how’s it working out with that actress woman?’

‘I mean everybody.’

Dan looked at his watch, ‘Shit - I should be there.’ 50

Jagged Little Pill

‘Dan, you’re forty minutes early. Go and wait in the front room while I dry my hair. Help yourself to water. What made you get stoned before a date? Oh never mind.’ Dan got a pint of water: His shirt was damp with sweat and now was getting cold. Of course, he was early: he could have

Dan rang the buzzer. He was sweating and his mind was swirling with a bunch of lame excuses. ‘Breathe,’ he told himself. ‘Breathe, in and out, in and out.’ He rang again. ‘It will all be good. It will all be ok, it can all be smoothed over.’ He felt a little dizzy. He put the palm of his right hand to his mouth and breathed out to check his breath. He pressed the buzzer, ‘It’s Dan.’ ‘Dan? You’re… oh never mind, come up.’ Vicki answered the door wearing a plain white silk kimono and a towel wrapped around her head. Dan went into on auto grovel. ‘You look fantastic, great, sorry I’m late. You know work-work-work and the tube: madness. Well I’m

showered, he could have shaved and changed. Vicki’s CD player was cranked right up so she could hear it in the bedroom while she was drying her hair. Jagged Little Pill was booming out at full volume through her lo-fi speakers. Ironic came on and the baseline started to distort. Dan shouted, ‘Mind if I skip?’ Vicki shouted back, ‘Hey, this is my all time favourite.’ Alanis was singing: ‘Stuck in a jam when you’re already late… isn’t it ironic?’ ‘BUT IT’S NOT IRONIC.’ ‘What?’

here now. Did I tell you how fantastic you looked?’ ‘Being stuck in a traffic jam when you are already late. That’s not ‘Are you stoned?’

ironic, that’s just a bit of a pisser.’

‘I eeer, had a little, a little puff: a little puff of puff. Yeah, so sorry.

‘Dan, what are you going on about?’

Look, work: mad late nothing I could do, nothing.’ Dan walked into the bedroom, ‘Look, let’s say Alanis was the Minister for Transport and she was gong to an important meeting 51

to talk about transport congestion and then she was stuck in a

‘You do that.’

jam. Well then that would be ironic.’ More Alanis: ‘It raaaiens, on your wedding day… isn’t it ironic?’ ‘Can I turn it down then?’ Vicki stood up, waving her hair dryer at him menacingly. ‘Dan you rock-up here so stoned you can’t tell the time and you haven’t

Dan walked by Eros: thinking: lost job and woman on the same day. Not ironic, but a pisser. Lost job and walking past Eros, not anything really, but lost woman and then walking past Eros equals ironic.

shaved and perhaps…’ she sniffed the air around him, ‘…not

A Goth thrust a disposable camera into Dan’s face and asked him

even washed. And then you lay into Alanis. Big mistake.’

to take a photo of him and his girlfriend. As Dan’s finger pressed

The argument was insane but there was no way Dan was going to lose it, it had been a bad day, he’d made mistakes, but he knew he was right about this. ‘Look: if you win a lifetimes supply of chocolate after you’ve just been diagnosed diabetic, that’s ironic. But if you get your hair wet in the rain right after you’ve been to the hairdresser, that’s just annoying. Can you see the difference?’ he paused. ‘Have you got any chocolate?’ Vicki’s face reddened, her eyes bulged and her lips squeezed into a tight o. She exhaled, inhaled and said, ‘Get your coat ironic boy, we’re over.’ ‘But.’

the button – click-flash – he wondered where this photograph would be in a year. Blu-tacked at a slight angle on a hall of residence wall or (more likely) torn into a hundred neat squares and burnt? Who could tell how the future would work out? What patterns would form? He handed the camera back and said, ‘Good luck.’ The All Bar One side of Leicester Square had seven, maybe eight artists outside. These were soft-focus alchemists. They transformed the mundane, the regular and ordinary into something special. There was one woman in front of an artist, her hair lank and a little greasy, her skin dry and pale. Via pastels she was being transformed into a movie star: her eyes a little bigger, hair a little more shiny, cheek bones more defined. The artist

‘Over.’ ‘Oh, I’ll get my coat then.’

signed the corner, sealed the image with hairspray and presented it to the sitter. Towards Pizza Hut there were Star Wars characters – a cross-generational crowd pleaser. Dan had to double take at 52

the biggest crowd puller: it was nine-foot high dancing human

Correct. Any Movement In Any Direction Whatever Will Be

flame. It was Flame, flame from Apocalypse Later, it had to be.

Advantageous. That was the most positive thing Dan had heard

Dan walked close. On the flame’s head was a tall quivering

all day. Obviously he had to play again. This time he asked –

orange hat, a sequined fabric dropped to the ground. The Flame

internally – will the Unfinished Universe work? Another dance and

could see the crowd through the fabric, but couldn’t be seen

the card read, There Will Be Great Progress And Success – While

herself. There was a box for cash and written: Think Of A

It Will Be Advantageous To Be Firmly Correct. In The Eighth

Question And The Flame Will Impart Ancient Wisdom.

Month There Will Be Evil.

When somebody put money in the box the flame did a sexy wavy

‘Well’ Dan said, ‘that’s a hell of a trick, Nimrod’s a lucky man.’

dance (Dan could make out hips and a chest) after the dance she magicked out a card from nowhere and handed it to the player. Then she returned to her original position and froze.

Flame bowed and Dan realised he’d just parted with his tube cash.

Dan was keen to know what the cards said, he put some loose change in the box and internalised the question: Will It Work Out With Vicki? Flame burst into dance – though not for long – then, with a flick of the wrist handed Dan a card: THE FLAME ONLY IMPARTS ANCIENT WISDOM TO THOSE WHO ARE READY TO GIVE A QUID OR ABOVE. Dan got his wallet out and lifted up a pound, ‘Ok,’ he said, ‘I’m upping the stakes.’ He got a longer, slightly more erotic dance and a second card. It Will Be Advantageous For You To Realise The Difficulty Of Your Position And Maintain Firm Correctness. Yes, that was a good answer, it sounded wise without actually meaning anything. He played again, this time asking about his job and career. There was a dance and the card read Successful Progress And No Error Is Indicated, But The Advantage Will Come From Being Firm And 53

Part Two Game On

Less is the New Black

A broadsheet found an old English report for Dan, it simply read: he is trying his hardest. Security footage of Dan receiving oral pleasure in a lift became the worldwide number one file-sharing download. The fifth member of the group was Sally, and she enters the story - three, two, one: here.

Right at the end, each of the group became a distillation of

The first thing you noticed about the charity shop was the smell. It

themselves: separated, purified and condensed.

was one part old sweat, to two parts neglect and a sprinkling of

Flame was a gift to the hacks: they tracked down her school friends who - for a fee - said she used to wear odd socks and walk backwards in the playground. One added that at just twelve she put on a magic show - much was made of a trick where her hand appeared to be covered in fire. Nimrod was condensed into a motor-mouthed wisecracking

house clearance death. No amount of Haze could cover it and no amount of Fabreze could make it disappear. Sally: ‘Why do you want to volunteer?’ Dan: ‘Difficult to say.’ Sally: ‘Difficult?’

romantic on the lookout for a quick buck. The papers used

Actually it wasn’t difficult at all: A week after losing both his

Friends Reunited to find a picture of him at fifteen doing a college

girlfriend and his job Dan was beginning to find living around the

open mic - there was this piece of flying spittle projectiling out of

clock with Mart a little wearing. He was either going on about how

his mouth - which Dan suspected was a Photoshop addition.

this game could change the world or he was whingeing about

Nobody could find a school friend to talk about Mart - but much was made of his role as Herod in a junior school nativity. Jen was continually quoted as saying no comment. What she actually said

how Jen didn’t understand him. Worse still he’d discovered a Vicki shaped hole forming in his heart - or perhaps a little lower in his anatomy.

couldn’t be printed. 55

In a job interview, even for a volunteer at a charity shop, Dan

change. Sally went to the trousers section and grabbed some

figured it was properly better not to say his life was beginning to

twisted Levi’s. ‘Now you do it.’ Dan checked the price -

feel like the beginnings of a cautionary tale, so he said, ’I just,

reasonable - and tapped the keys. The till screamed.

errrr want to do good.’ And that wasn’t so far away from the truth. Sally eyed him suspiciously, “‘Do Good?’” ‘Yes, you know, make the world into a better place.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Really.’ ‘I think you’re taking the piss.’ Sally was mid twenties, she was petite with tight angular features, pale skin, blue eyes and white-blond hair that came out straight at the root then frizzed out into a side parting. She wore an orange cotton camouflage vest, baggy orange combat trousers and matching orange Doc Martin’s with a hand painted daisy chain around the left ankle.

‘What have you forgotten?’ ‘Doahh, item.’ She nodded encouragingly, ‘So you paid some attention.’ ‘So it’s price, then item, then subtotal et voila…’ the till rang open. ‘Congratulations, see what you can achieve when you concentrate. Ok, now come around the back.’ Behind the door that said Staff Only was a sorting table, shelves full of books and an alcove to make tea and coffee. The centre of the room was a mountain of bin bags some of which had split to reveal a shirt or book. Dan said, ‘What do you get here, I mean donated?’ ‘Everything, you never know: it can be designer jeans in mint

‘Hello? Earth to Dan.’

condition or it can be dirty handkerchiefs.’

‘Sorry I spaced.’

‘Yuck.’

‘To the checkout then.’

‘Yeah.’

The till nestled between winter jackets and kids toys. Sally’s

‘What’s the worst thing you’ve found?’

fingers glided over the buttons. ‘Dan, are you watching?’ The draw pinged and slid out, revealing a few fivers and loose

She looked him in the eye, ‘A vibrator.’ 56

A wave of heat passed though Dan’s cheeks. ‘Oh, and the best?’

‘Yeah, let me know if you see anything.’

‘That’s difficult; we get a lot of babys’ clothes - they sell very

‘Cool.’

quickly. I think everything which has been loved has value.’

‘So, you’re not meeting anybody?’ Dan shook his head, ‘No.’

•••

Sally stopped sifting, looked up and pulled out a black plastic case with a cassette in, ‘Hey, do you know what this is?’

In the afternoon Dan sold a very nice blue silk tie then after that a Ralph Lauren ‘Polo’ winter jacket. A designer name yes, but it was super ugly with ‘RL’ plastered everywhere. The till pinged

Dan squinted, ‘A video?’ ‘Yes, but what sort?’

open and shut until he’d amassed a healthy collection of notes.

‘Don’t know. I haven’t seen one like that before.’

At five Sally showed Dan how to do an end of the day Z reading

‘It’s a Betamax.’

and cash-up. ‘There are two schools of thought,’ she said. ‘One: you go from the big notes to the small change and two: the other way around. Me, I’m big to small, so we do the notes first…’ Twenty minutes later the cash was put in the drop safe and Sally lowered the steel shutters. ‘I’m going to sort through some these bags for an hour, can you help?’ ‘Sure.’ She opened up a bin liner and started to sift though the donations. ‘I’m trying to put a travel section together.’

‘Yeah?’ ‘You don’t know the story?’ Dan shook his head. ‘No.’ ‘Back in the days when top-loaders were the latest thing there were two formats VHS and Betamax.’ Dan nodded encouragingly and Sally went on, ‘well Betamax was the better format: smaller and with better image quality but VHS was first on the market.’ ‘Right,’ said Dan. ‘that’s - errr - interesting.’

‘Right, for the books?’ 57

Sally smiled. ‘Don’t you see? The better format died because it

Nasljede. Dan said, ‘I don’t think it’s English, but it’s interesting.

was out late.’

And I like the belt too. Can I buy them?’

‘That I get - sort of.’

‘Sure whatever.’

‘Well, what about the survival of the fittest? What about Darwin?

‘What should I pay?’

What about meritocracy, what about the best coming first?’

‘Donate what you feel comfortable with.’

‘Whoa,’ said Dan. ‘Everybody knows that the most talented don’t make it to the top - that’s just the way of the world.’ He suddenly found himself thinking of the editor who had fired him so added.

Dan glanced at his watch. ‘I should go now.’

‘Actually in my experience it’s always scum that rises to the top.’ Dan pulled out a stack of yellowing comics and battered fast food freebees. He found a plastic Burger King cup with a moulded Superman and a belt with the S logo on it. ‘Hey, I had this stuff when I was a kid.’ Dan flicked though a comic with a giant monkey on the cover who was zapping Superman with green rays. ‘What’s that one?’ said Sally. ‘Looks like Superman vs. kryptonite Kong.’ ‘No the one underneath it.’ ‘Oh this?’ Dan looked at the cover. There were two boys about to step into a field, Superman was swooping down from the sky to save them, revealing (with his x-ray vision) that they were about to tread on a landmine. The front of the comic read Smrtonosno

‘See you next week then.’ ‘Sure.’ Just as Dan was leaving Sally said, ‘Stop.’ ‘Yeah?’ ‘There’s something I wanted to ask you.’ ‘What?’ ‘Do you want to meet tomorrow?’ ‘At the shop?’ ‘No, in town.’ Dan hesitated, thought for a moment and then said, ‘Yeah, why not?’ 58

‘Meet me at Oxford Circus tube at about two.’ ‘Sure.’ Sally opened the shutter and unlocked the door. Dan left the shop feeling just a little bit too pleased with himself. Mixed Message

kissing and drifting away. One set of teen lovers met, hugged and kissed (with tongues) like the rest of the world didn’t exist. After Sally was fifteen minutes late Dan started to wonder at what point he should leave. Going after fifteen was clearly too short, but an hour was going to be too long. He soon became torn between thirty and forty-five minutes. In Japan, if you turn up late for a meeting, there is no apology or explanation, in fact being

In the Bathroom Dan tightened his belt to the fourth hole then

late isn’t discussed at all. But the next time you met they would

thought better of it and loosened it to the third. He sprayed too

be exactly the same number of minutes late for you as you were

much Hugo Boss on his wrists and neck. Then he leaned towards

for them. Dan looked around again, somebody was waving at him

the mirror and pulled back his lips and checked his teeth, Was

from the group outside the clothes shop over the road, she was

that the first sign of gum recession? Then he cupped his hand

wearing orange camouflage - good grief.

over his mouth to check his breath - all ok. He tapped his left pocket to check for his wallet and the right to check he had

While Dan crossed the road everything slipped into slow motion,

remembered the flat keys. All was good. And he was out the door.

he looked down: remembered the interview, remembered saying he wanted to make the world into a better place. Then looked up,

Dan emerged from the tube station next to Shelley’s shoe shop.

saw Sally nestled in a tight group of people. They had placards

There were about twenty people waiting - this was a popular

and leaflets and a small table. She was next to a tall bloke with

meeting place. Dan did a 360 scan: there were loads of shoppers

dreads and grungy clothes who, despite the garb, was model-

and also a group of people across the road outside Nike Town -

good-looking. As Dan approached and glanced up the hunk

they looked like they were shouting or chanting - perhaps Hare

slipped his arm around Sally’s waist and gave her a squeeze of

Krishna’s? It didn’t matter. Dan looked at his watch. He was ten

ownership.

minutes early, sweet. Dan thought: just smile, keep your jaw closed and place one foot It wasn’t quite cold enough for Dan to see his breath, but it was

in front of the other. Left, right, left, right.

the other side of comfortable. He got up and walked around. The people who had been waiting around him had begun to pair off:

‘Hi Dan,’ she said. ‘You ok you look pale?’ 59

He forced a nervous laugh. ‘Big one last night Sally,’ he lied. ‘You know: a large one, huge. Massive.’

Dan said, ‘What? Oh.’ Jed said, ‘Children are slaving in sweatshops fourteen hours a

‘Oh, right well I’ve made a sign for you.’ She produced a day-

day to produce shoes like that. You have blood on your feet.’

glow orange board with Sponsors Child Poverty written on it.

Jed’s cronies picked up on what was happening, they started to

When Dan picked it up a splinter burred itself under his skin.

chant, ‘Burn them, burn them, burn them.’

‘Awchh.’ While he was picking it out the tall dreadlocked square-

Dan looked at Sally for support. She shot him the slightly

jawed god approached and smiled - revealing a line of perfectly

disappointed look junior schoolteachers reserve for smart

spaced teeth.

children caught cheating in an exam.

‘Hi you must be Dan, I’m Jed. I’m sure Sally’s talked about me.’

Jed pulled a Zippo out of his pocket then flicked it open and lit it

He stuck his hand out. It was large and soft - like it was made up

with a click of his finger. The tall paraffin flame danced in the cold

of a series of small floating pads.

air. The cronies were still chanting.

As Dan shook he said, ‘Oh yes, loads, Sally never stops talking

Jed put out an arm, ‘Give them to me or I will take them from

about you: Jed this, Jed that, Jed-Jed-Jed.’ Dan had no idea why

you.’

he was lying, but to cover it up he broke eye contact and looked down. His lace was undone, without thinking he let go of Jed’s

Sally whispered, ‘He will.’

hand and went down on one knee and tied a tight double bow. As

Dan thought, just how is destroying my footwear meant to make

Dan came back up Jed’s dazzling smile had turned into a scowl.

the world a better place?

‘What is that? What is that?’ Jed stepped towards Dan, ‘Come on.’ Dan shrugged his shoulders, ‘It’s annoying, they just keep on coming undone. They are waxed: I think I need something with a

‘Jesus. Oh fuck it.’ Dan kicked off his right trainer. Then took the

bit more grip.’

other off and handed them both over. The cold stone pavement instantly penetrated his socks.

Jed turned to his cronies; ‘Dan has the mark of the devil upon him.’ 60

Jed held the trainers by the ends of the laces like they were

A policeman walked past and Dan suddenly became aware that

infected. He lifted the lighter and the red logo on the side of the

he was holding a placard. The two made eye contact and Dan

shoe was curling up and burning. When it had started to drip

forced an embarrassed smile. Next a pinstriped suit leaned over

plastic onto the pavement Jed put it out with his fingers - his

him, sniffed, as if to suggest Dan had personal hygiene issues

fingers - and then went to work on the other side. Dan put his

and said, ‘What’s this all about then?’

head in his hands and for a second smelt the Hugo Boss applied to his wrists just two hours previously. That had been another world, a more predictable world, a safer happier world where Sally was single and people didn’t burn your trainers. The deformed shoes were handed back. Dan put them on the floor and pushed them back on then looked up into the crowd. A Chinese teen with a punk-like outfit gave him a raised fist salute and shouted, ‘Right on.’

Dan opened his mouth and his brain jammed with information: job-Vicki-lift-Mart-stickers-broken-nose apocalypse-laterrebound-now. Sally moved in with another flyer. ‘Basically, the high standard of living the first world enjoys (that’s us) is based on the exploitation of the third. The clothes that you have and the trainers that you wear are mostly made in third world sweat-shops where the workers (often children) get paid a pittance for working long hours

Sally returned his salute and added a big smile. Then she took a

in horrible conditions - conditions that would be illegal in this

flyer from her pocket and thrust it into his hand.

country.’

Dan rolled his eyes.

The suit was not impressed.

Sally hissed, ‘Well what were you thinking?’

‘So what are you suggesting, that we all start making our own

Dan shrugged his shoulders. ‘I didn’t think.’ Sally: ‘I mean really Dan: if you were meeting a group of vegans attending a vegan meeting in Vegan-land would you pack a big fat juicy steak?’ Dan: ‘That’s rhetorical right?’

clothes and live in yurts? What will they do for work then?’ ‘No.’ Sally didn’t miss a beat. ‘We need to put pressure on the companies to provide their employees with humane working hours and a fair market rate.’ ‘For example?’

Dan couldn’t believe the suit was listening. ‘Let’s say an average pair of Nikes cost £100. Well the maker gets

‘What’s wrong?’ said Jed, ‘Have you become broken off from the collective? All alone are we?’

about two pence of that.’ If you doubled that figure you’d be

Dan looked at Sally, she looked at him and they both laughed -

giving a living wage and it wouldn’t cut into Nike’s huge profits

but probably for different reasons. Regardless of that the laughter

either - so everybody wins. Here take a flyer, it’s all in there.’

caused the security guard to look rattled. He shot the group a

Dan whispered, ‘Wow.’ ‘Yeah,’ said Sally. ‘Now Dan be in the moment, be here now and focus.’

defiant glance then said, ‘I’ll be back.’ Which obviously provoked more fits of laughter. ‘We know our rights,’ shouted Jed.

In the following two hours the group got flurries of interest; a woman in simulated leopard skin coat gave Dan a smile, but her face quickly glazed over when Sally delivered the spiel. A skateboarder asked Jed if he had any stickers - Jed growled. And a set of Japanese girl students giggled endearingly and then had their photos taken in front of the stall. But to most people passing in the street the demo was just an irritant, the vast majority refused a flyer and those that picked one up often dropped it seconds later. A security guard came out. He was wide, but not as tall as Jed. ‘Oi, you lot. You’re causing an obstruction. Move on.’ He started

By four Dan figured it was about time to head out. He touched Sally’s arm and whispered ‘So I’ll see you next week.’ She reached up and kissed his left cheek and whispered, ‘I’ll sort you out some shoes from the shop.’ Dan turned to leave and he locked eyes with Vicki. She was standing just metres away, with the crowd opening and closing around her like a school of fish negotiating an outcrop. She shot Sally daggers then flashed Dan the Vs, spun around on her heal and stormed off. Sally said, ‘She looked mean, do you know her?’

to tap something in his ear, then spoke into his lapel, ‘Yes roger

Dan considered the question for a moment then shook his head

that I’m currently talking with the blockage.’ The guard started to

and said, ‘No.’ Which was - in its own way - the truth because he

tap his earpiece. ‘You’re breaking up. Yes, hello, hello.’

didn’t really know Vicki at all - but in a broader factual (stand up in court) sense it was a lie. It was the first lie he had ever told Sally 62

and that made him feel bad, he also felt crap and broken about Vicki too. He walked along Regent Street to Piccadilly head down avoiding posh shopping bags full of happiness. He passed The Ritz and walked on to Green Park. Next up was Buckingham Palace. Flag up, Queen at home. After that it was just a fiveminute walk to Victoria where he could pick up a direct train home.

He had been back an hour when the door buzzed. He sighed, odds on it was two old ladies pushing out copies of the Watchtower or some bloke with two-day stubble selling overpriced tea-towels and rubber gloves for the homeless. They would go away if he didn’t answer. The door buzzed again, much longer this time, long continuous angry buzzes. Dan’s anger and frustration welled up inside of him, why can’t they just leave me alone? He jumped up off the sofa and marched to the door, grabbed the handle and swung it open only to find himself looking directly into Vicki’s eyes.

Being Good

‘Oh, Dan, can’t you see? I want you to grow up, I want you to take responsibility and I want you to commit to the relationship.’ ‘Jesus, not much then.’ ‘Oh come on I’ll take you out for a fry-up.’

Vicki was in full make-up; her clothes were extra clean and clingy.

‘Actually I’m really hungry, done.’

She was wearing a tight white cotton shirt (with the first four buttons undone) and no bra. Her weight was resting on her right

She glanced down, ‘Sort the footwear out first.’

leg and she bent her left leg very slightly forward. ‘Hi’ ‘Hi. Wow, you look great, are you going out? No, that is the wrong question. The right question is: what are you doing here?’

Munchies is the best place on the planet to have a full English breakfast. The air was so thick with frying you could have a

Vicki inhaled and pushed her chest out. ‘Can’t I come around to

coronary just taking in the ambiance. As they sat down it

see my man if I want to?’

occurred to Dan that Vicki just might have planned this moment to ignite an argument before storming out in a strop - she was,

‘No, don’t get me wrong, it’s great to see you, but I thought I… I

after all, an actress. But, if she were to do it before the food

thought we… you said we. Let me start again. Do you want to

arrived would it be possible to eat two fried breakfasts? The food

come in?’

arrived on two big oval plates: sausages, bacon, egg and beans,

‘No.’ She looked down. ‘What happened to your trainers?’ ‘That’s a long story. Are you sure you don’t want to come in?’ Vicki shook her head, ‘No.’ ‘So, just how can I help you then, what do you want?’

all resting on two pieces of thick white fried bread. Dan created a dunking pool of brown sauce then covered the rest in ketchup. ‘I saw you today,’ she said. ‘Here we go.’ She ignored him, ‘I saw you outside that shop, with a banner, and you know what?’ 64

Dan made a bacon sandwich and dunked it in the brown sauce.

the first world and we have a chance at a high standard of living.

‘What?’

It’s as simple as that. I’d love it if we all lived in some la-la land

‘I was so embarrassed and so, well, disappointed.’

were everything was fair and just, but life just isn’t like that. The big companies are evil and ruthless, the politicians are power

Dan swallowed. He had expected character assassination or a

mad and bent: everybody is out for what they can get. It’s dog-

brutal full-frontal attack but not disappointment.

eat-dog-eat-dog and the biggest dog is the head of the pack.’ She reached over and squeezed Dan’s hand to emphasise the

‘It’s research for the game,’ he lied, sounding - even in his own

point. ‘So wake up and smell the twenty-first Century Dan, there

ears - a little bit pathetic. ‘You know, the one where we save the

is no dress rehearsal - this is it - you have one shot and you’ve

world.’

got to seize it.’

‘I figured that out, it’s just…’ She paused for a moment. ‘Dan, I

Dan mopped up the last of the egg yoke with a corner of buttered

just don’t want you to make a fool of yourself. I was embarrassed

toast and pondered the mystery that was woman.

today. Dan, you embarrassed me. I mean what do you hope to achieve? Seriously, what can you do? Boycott Nestlé, not go into

When they got to the till Vicki reached into her bag and said, ‘I’ll

The Gap? They are all at it and your demo is like a single teardrop

get these darrrrlin.’ Before Dan could faux-protest she was

falling into a vast ocean.’

handing over a couple of crisp notes. Outside she held Dan’s head and kissed him with passion and promise. ‘I’m going to go

‘Hey, nice image.’

now,’ she said. ‘But promise me you’ll be good.’

She ignored him. ‘There are thousands of people out there who

Dan promised.

read No Label and say “right on man” but - you know - a week later they see some special-offer-limited-edition-silver-Nike-air-

Vicki took his right hand, opened it flat and put it against her heart

max-pluses and bang! They are snapping up the bargain. Don’t

(which was also cleavage). ‘Swear,’ she said. ‘Swear on my

feel bad Dan, this is just human nature.’ He went to protest, but

heart.’

his mouth was too full. ‘Listen Dan listen shush and listen carefully. Important message coming in, stop the press and hold

Dan swore, ‘I’ll be good.’

the front page: in the great human lottery we have won, we’re in 65

Thicker Than Water

It was starting to get dark, Dan put a reflective waistcoat on and unlocked his bike from the hall and then peddled to Nimrod’s flat in Brixton. When Nimrod opened the front door his face was flushed and his eyes were a mass of jagged red lines. ‘Thanks for coming so quickly.’

Dan picked up on the fifth ring, it was Nimrod. ‘Is Mart there?’ ‘Oh, hi, yeah, I’m fine thanks, how are you? ‘Yeah, look sorry mate, but I need to speak with Mart and I need to speak with him now.’ ‘Have you tried his mobile?’ ‘It’s off.’ ‘He’s probably at work then. What’s so urgent?’ (pause) ‘Are you doing anything right now?’

‘No problem.’ ‘Beer?’ ‘Cool.’ ‘I’ll bring it to the front room.’ Nimrod’s flat was decorated and furnished entirely from local skips and charity shops. The TV was a 1970s vintage fronted in simulated wood. Something in the tube had blown so now the picture appeared in varying shades of red - Nimrod called it rose tinted television. The two sofas were covered with throws to hide a multitude of sins. The shelves (housed a collection of books about the history of London (which was normal) a stack of DVDs, which were largely stand up acts (which was also normal) and

‘Let me think, there’s a Futurama double bill in twenty minutes,

Flame was sitting across a sofa (which was a first).

but other than that my life is pretty empty this evening.’

‘Hi.’

‘Then bike around.’

‘Oh, hi. It’s Dan isn’t it?’ ‘Yeah.’ 66

‘Nimrod has talked about you.’

‘That bastard didn’t even notice - he was probably on his mobile.’

Flame’s wild red bed hair must have needed half a pot of

Dan said, ‘Did you get the number plate?’

moulding mud to keep it defying gravity. The rest of her - in contrast - looked conventional, no make-up on her face and she

‘No,’ said Flame. ‘It was so quick.’

wore a blue fleece and faded jeans. Her leg was up on a cushion,

‘What would it matter anyway?’ ranted Nimrod. ‘What do you get

she tried to move it she winced.

for clipping a cyclist in this city? Fucking nothing: if you went up

‘What happened?’

to a stranger on the street and smacked them in the chops with a steel bar you’d be done for assault, or GBH or something, but run

Nimrod came into the room, a can of beer in either hand. He

them over in S U fucking V and - I don’t know - they’d probably

thrust Dan one and said, ‘S U fucking V that’s what happened.’

give you a fucking medal.’

‘?’

Nimrod went to the kitchen then returned seconds later holding

Nimrod exploded, ‘It’s the name for those big bullbar bastard four-wheel drive things.’ He started to pace the floor like a caged

an old backpack. He reached into it and pulled out a pump action water pistol, ‘Ever see one of these before?’

tiger. ‘Flame was just cycling along when one overtook her and

‘Yeah,’ said Dan. ‘I used to have one just like this - but a little

turned left. Flame jammed her breaks on, clipped the curb and

smaller.’

went over her handlebars. Hit the ground and you know what? That fucker didn’t even stop.’ Flame said, ‘I bet he didn’t even notice.’ Dan said, ‘Do you need to get an x-ray?’ ‘I can move my toes so I guess it’s ok.’ Nimrod continued to pace, ‘You could have been killed!’ ‘Well I wasn’t.’

With a flick of the wrist Nimrod threw it across the room, Dan caught it in his non-beer hand. The gun was about half a meter long, the body was purple and the bottle mounted on the top was green. Dan put his can down and pumped the gun. ‘Nice movement.’ Nimrod said, ‘So you know how it works?’ Dan thought this was a strange question, ‘Of course, you pump, it builds up pressure and when you pull the trigger the water comes 67

out.’ Dan pulled the trigger and there was a small hiss as the air

perhaps this was being good. Dan turned to Flame. ‘What do you

escaped from the barrel. ‘It’s not rocket science, or actually - now

think?’

I think about it - perhaps it is.’ Nimrod reached into the backpack again. This time pulling out a tin of red paint. ‘I figure we have an hour before the paint starts to dry. So we go out on bikes, we fuck-up some bullbar bastards

‘I think you’ll need a sheet of card to use as a funnel to get the paint in.’ ‘Oh, right.’

and we’re back for a DVD and some cool beers.

‘Just twist it onto a cone and tape it.’

‘That’s quite a sell,’ said Dan.

‘So you think it’s ok?’

‘So you’re in?’

‘Nimrod’s right, I just wish I could be with you.’

Dan waved the rifle in the air, ‘Lock and load. You got another of

Nimrod got the card, the pistol (which was a miniature version of

these bad boys?’

the shotgun) and glug-glug-glug did the business. He returned his

‘A pistol.’ ‘Excellent.’ ‘I didn’t think you’d be up for it,’ said Nimrod. ‘After, you know with what happened to your nose.’ ‘Well, I’ve got to be upfront here: Flame is not the only one who’s been badly cut up on a bike and on top of that, who is going to catch us? I mean, it’s night and we will be quick, quiet and fast -

rifle gently back into the backpack. ‘The paint mixed with thinner, but it’s still much thicker than water so you’ll have to pump hard and you won’t have the range.’ ‘No problem.’ He slipped the backpack on his shoulder. ‘We go for SUVs, red on the grill and bonnet. The more you can get it to look like a blood splatter the better.’

it won’t be like last time.’ That was partly true, but also there was

Dan tucked the pistol into the back of his jeans. ‘Let’s hit the

something pure and romantic about Nimrod’s rage, something

streets and do good.’

intoxicating about his need for moral recompense. And just

The yellow lights transformed the city into a monochrome picture

paint job was not as pleasing as the first. Dan stuffed the gun

pop-up book. They flew past the packed cars. Nimrod was fast

back into his jeans. And they were off again. They were quick and

and Dan broke into a sweat quickly. They saw their first SUV at

quiet. With every SUV they vandalised Dan became more and

the same time and slowed down together. It was black, clean and

more confident until he wondered if they’d become invisible,

showroom waxed. They passed and stopped. From the back Dan

protected by the night. After the seventh he thought: I am the

could see the spare tire cover had a picture of two rhinoceroses

night. I am the street. I am the angel of fucking vengeance. SUVs

humping doggie-style printed on it. Nimrod was reached into his

tremble at the barrel of my fucking gun. Then he shouted to

backpack. ‘This one is mine, keep watch.’ It took seconds to

Nimrod, ‘This is fantastic, what a fucking blast.’

spray a neat X over the front of the car.

‘Stay focused,’ said Nimrod. ‘Keep watching, don’t get slack. No

Dan: ‘Nice work.’

mistakes.’

Nimrod: ‘Let’s go.’

After they’d hit ten with not so much as a dog bark even Nimrod

Five streets later they came to the next. Dan: ‘No bullbars.’

started to loosen up. They slalomed though the white lines in the centre of the road and pulled wheelies. Not a police car in sight, not an angry driver, nothing. They did fourteen before the paint began to set in the guns.

Nimrod: ‘So? Do it anyway, come on, your turn.’ ‘That’s it,’ said Nimrod. ‘My gun is fucked now.’ When Dan pulled the pistol from his jeans he realised the paint had leaked from the barrel - what he had thought was extreme crack sweat was actually wet paint. Dan: ‘Fuck.’ Nimrod: ‘Do it.’ Dan pumped and shot. The first line fell short so he moved closer and shot again. The blobs of red were uneven so aesthetically; his

‘Sure, mine too.’ But on the way back they saw the biggest SUV of the night. Nimrod: ‘Jesus, it’s a fucking Hummer.’ Dan: ‘Christmas comes early.’ Nimrod cycled up to the bonnet and tipped his gun upside-down. A single drop of half dried paint fell out. ‘Dammm.’ 69

Dan reached down into the back of his trousers. When he pulled his hand out it was dripping with paint. ‘Hold on,’ said Dan. ‘The gun leaked, so I’ve got this little reservoir between my cheeks.’

‘A top night man.’ ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Awesome.’

‘Woahhhh,’ said Nimrod. ‘Too much information.’ Dan smeared MURDER across the bonnet.

Dan cycled back as fast as he could. There were still traces of red paint on his hands and nails. More uncomfortably, as he cycled,

Then, with his finger still wet he drew two lines over his left cheek

he felt the dried paint down his jeans pulling at his skin and hair.

(a la Adam Ant in his Prince Charming phase). Without thinking he

The paint had been badge of honour but now it was like having a

turned to do the same to Nimrod.

huge bouncing bright red neon arrow overhead pointing down

‘Jesus, no,’ he said pulling back. ‘It’s been in your arse mate.’ ‘Yeah,’ said Dan thinking better of it. ‘Fair-dos.’

and saying GUILTY. Half way home paranoia started to develop. Dan decided to stop at the corner of every street to check for police and fucked-off Hummer drivers. Close to home he was clocking the street and from his side a bin wobbled and then fell with a crash onto the pavement. A blur of red fur dashed from it

Back at Nimrod’s they sank victory beer and smoked dope. They told their hunt stories to Flame with expediential exaggeration. Every ten minutes Nimrod stopped mid sentence, slapped his

and froze in the middle of the road. It looked at Dan and Dan looked at the fox. ‘Hey foxy, are the bins good tonight?’ The fox flicked his tail out, turned and blurred into the night.

knee and said, ‘A Hummer, a fucking Hummer.’ More smoke, more drink. ‘And the cash,’ he went on. ‘Think how much damage

By the time Dan got home it was almost two. Mart’s light was on,

we caused in hard money! I bet it will cost at least a grand a piece

and his door was open just a crack. Dan walked quietly past.

to put right.’ They clinked cans and took another drink.

Then - still dressed in shirt and jeans - he fell down on the bed and was instantly asleep.

At midnight Flame fell asleep. Deprived of an audience Dan and Nimrod could only congratulate themselves for a further hour. Before leaving Dan hugged Nimrod goodnight like a brother.

The Comfort Zone

‘Come on. I got to go.’ ‘God Mart. Yeah, ok.’ Dan reached over for the lock before splashing back into the bubbles. Mart burst in, lifted the toilet lid with his foot, and unzipped. A

Dan woke up. He couldn’t move his legs. Paralysed. The night rushed back to him: the fox, smoke, beer, talk, the SUV, paint, pistol. Stop. Hold. That was it: it was dried paint not paralysis. He

stream of urine hit the water and he sighed. It seemed to go on forever, then he shook and tucked away. Dan said, ‘Flush?’

pulled himself onto his elbows then swung his legs out of bed. His sheets looked like a scene from The Godfather.

Mart pushed the handle down then returned the lid and sat down. ‘Hey you’re wearing jeans.’

He hobbled through to the kitchen and clicked the kettle on. Now Dan was more awake it felt as though everything below his waist was shrink-wrapped rather than paralysed, which was a fractionaly more comforting thought. He made some coffee and drew a bath of very hot water. When he eased himself in the water spread up though the jeans, ‘ohhhhh.’ Then he lay back, slurped the coffee and stared at the gold paint on the ceiling. The hot water had just begun to separate Dan’s jeans from his skin when

‘Yeah,’ said Dan. ‘It’s a long story.’ ‘Yeah?’ ‘Ok, I saw Nimrod last night and…’ The telephone rang. Mart said, ‘Saved by the bell. Hold that thought…’

there was a knock on the door. After Mart left Dan realised his back was arched with tension, he ‘Jen is that you?’ It was Mart. ‘No it’s me - it’s Dan.’ ‘Oh, right. Hey I’m bursting.’

relaxed into the hot water. The bath wasn’t helping; he was now starting to feel a bit hung over and monged. He reached out to the hot tap with his foot and flicked it on with a big toe. Then he heard Mart shouting.

‘I’m in the bath.’ 71

‘What! Paint!’ Which was followed by a short break then, ‘Guns,

By the time Dan got out of the bath his fingers were full of

you used guns!!!’

wrinkles and his head felt thick with feathers. Flu? He didn’t feel

Dan forced his head under the water, but eventually he had to come up for air. The phone was being slammed down. Dan reached over to the lock. A minute later a door slammed so hard the whole flat shook. The water was beginning to hot up, perhaps it would be better to soak for a little longer.

hungry enough to make breakfast - what was the point? He went to the kitchen and filled the kettle. He said out loud, ‘Something is wrong.’ He felt his forehead then returned to the bathroom and stuck his tongue out: not attractive but normal. He took two generic paracetamol - couldn’t hurt. As Mart said: if it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger. Then he had a double espresso. It

Ok, Dan figured, he no longer needed to tell Mart, who else to

took him two hours and a further three cups of coffee to leave the

tell? Vicki - absolutely no question, not under any circumstances,

house. He checked everything three times: taps off, lights off, fire

not under pain of torture. If some shop demo riled her this would

off.

push her right over the edge. And Sally - perhaps - though Dan wasn’t sure if, under all that urban orange camouflage, she wasn’t… well he just didn’t know, the demo had been a bit of a shocker and Jed - ha! - with his dreadlocks and perfect teeth, didn’t he look like a total wuss now? Handing out leaflets? What was that going to achieve?

At the shop Sally was on her knees restocking fiction S - W while, a second volunteer Joyce was in the stockroom singing All Things Bright and Beautiful. ‘Hey, Dan.’ ‘Hi.’

Dan inhaled, pulled his knees up and sank down into the bath again. He blew out slowly feeling the air pass though his lips.

‘Are you OK? You look a little…’ ‘What? A little what?’

•••

‘Peaky?’ ‘Yeah, I’m not good, could be coming down with something.’ ‘You want to talk about it?’

‘About what?’

‘He’s your flatmate right?’

‘About what’s bringing you down.’

‘Right.’

‘That’s a thought,’ he coughed. There was a pile of evidence for

‘And what do you think?’

this: losing job, losing Vicki, then getting Vicki back, which was good but confusing.

‘I don’t really know what I think. I mean we’ve done the game, like done a mock-up in card and now Mart is putting it on the

‘Want a coffee?’

computer.’

‘No, I’ve already had five, or is that six?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Big cups?’

‘But we have no tasks and they should really be at the heart of

‘Yeah, is there another size?’ ‘Real?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘OK, now we are getting somewhere.’ ‘I hear you - and I’m sure that’s a factor too, but it’s not everything. I’m working on this game.’ ‘Game?’

the game.’ ‘I could help you with that.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Sure, I don’t think that’s so difficult.’ She looked him right in the eye then reached over and touched his arm. ‘Tell me what’s happened to you in the last 48 hours.’ Dan paused, ‘That’s complicated.’ ‘Then tell me the most unusual thing that’s happened to you or

‘Yeah, it’s a long story. It’s a board game but now it looks as

you’ve done…’ Sally glanced at the till where a customer was

though it’s going to be an internet site too, it’s meant to make the

waiting. ‘Don’t run away.’

world into a better place, well Mart thinks it will spark a revolution.’

While Sally was selling and wrapping some slightly chipped china Dan closed his eyes. He saw his hand, red with paint, smearing 73

MURDER on the Hummer’s bonnet. That qualified as unusual. Dan walked to the till, ‘I’ve got it. I know the problem. I did this thing, I can’t tell you what it was. What can I say, it was like your

‘So the zone is flexible?’ ‘It’s continually growing if that’s what you want.’

demo, but more - I don’t know - direct.’

‘So if you were say,’ he glanced around the shop. ‘A shoplifter.’

‘A-huh?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Well that was unusual, and extreme, I felt so fantastic afterwards,

‘And the first time you took something it would be difficult, you’d

delirious in fact. Perhaps that had something to do with it.

be afraid somebody would catch you, you’d be outside your

Perhaps I have direct action comedown or maybe guilt?’

normal zone. But then the next time it would become easer and

Sally laughed, ‘Have you heard of the comfort zone?’ Dan shook

the third time easer still.’

his head. ‘We all have a comfort zone surrounding us, you know

‘Until it became a habit,’ said Sally. ‘Right, that’s sorted, so the

we get up, we go to work, we do - essentially - the same things

other thing was the tasks for the game. Want to go around the

every day: we talk to the same people, act in the same way, stick

back?’

to the same routine and have the same boundaries.’ Sally asked Joyce to come to the till then walked into the ‘Right,’ Dan said. ‘Boundaries.’

stockroom.

‘But when you do something different, perhaps something

‘Have you got a pen?’

deviant, then you step outside your zone.’ Dan checked his pocket, ‘Yes.’ ‘And that causes you to feel bad?’ ‘Paper?’ ‘Yes, well we all hate change to our routine don’t we?’ Dan shrugged his shoulders and Sally went on. ‘Once you’ve passed outside your zone you have a choice: you can jump back to your old ways or you can push on until your zone expands and your new actions become a normal part of your life.’

He took a paper bag from the shelf, ‘Yes.’ ‘Ok, here are some entry-level tasks for you. Firstly, recycle your mobile phone - there are millions of mobile phones sitting in draws around the country, these can be given to charities to 74

recycle. Secondly, only put the water you need in the kettle - if

‘Jed, you know, he’s a nice guy but he can be a git too.’ She

everybody did this we could lose a nuclear power station. Thirdly,

handed the box to Dan. ‘Just to say sorry really…’

recycle your carrier bags - on average each of us use over a hundred carrier bags every year. Get one good bag and reuse it.’ Dan was scribbling, ‘Wait for a moment. Ok.’ ‘Ready?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘You could switch your light bulbs to energy efficient, like the kettle thing you are saving power. You could also register as a donor online: there is only one thing you can be certain of in this

Dan opened the box inside, nestling together in black tissue paper, were two golden trainers. ‘Wow, they are amazing.’ ‘I hope they fit, they might be a bit small.’ ‘If it cripples me I’m wearing these - thanks.’ ‘So what do you think you’ll do?’ ‘I don’t know, wear thin socks?’ ‘No, not about the trainers, about your comfort zone?’

life and that is at some point you will die, when you’ve gone let somebody make use of your body.’

‘I think I’ll push forwards.’

Dan nodded, ‘Yes.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Make somebody laugh. You’ll feel good, they’ll feel good: you’ll

‘So what’s the name?’

be spreading the love.’ She shrugged her shudders, is this the sort of thing you are after?’ ‘That’s great. How do you know those things?’ ‘You know Dan, I don’t just stack books, I read them too. Everybody knows how to improve things it’s getting them to do it that’s the trick. Now I’ve got something for you.’ She went to the shelves and pulled away some books, which were hiding a box.

‘Of what?’ ‘The game Dan.’ ‘Oh, well, Mart wants to call it the Unfinished Universe.’ ‘Wow, wouldn’t something like the Comfort Zone be better?’ ‘Yeah much, but there’s no telling him and he’s got the site now: unfinished universe dot com so we’re committed.’ 75

‘And when will you play again?’

Dan got off the bed. ‘Sure.’

Dan smiled and shrugged his shoulders, ‘Maybe tomorrow,

‘Wait.’

maybe never.’

Dan yawned again, ‘What?’ ‘Don’t come back until you have five entry level tasks.’ •••

Dan rolled his eyes. ‘Good grief.’ Dan filled the kettle and clicked it on. Then he went back to his

That night Dan was woken by the thumping cyberpunk. ‘Jeez.’ He

room and got the scrunched up paper from his pocket, he was

wrapped the pillow around his ears but the bass penetrated the

going to re-write it, then decided it would do as it was. The kettle

feathers. He rolled out of bed. The sound led to Mart’s door, when

boiled. He made two coffees and poured sugar into both.

he knocked it drifted open. All three of Mart’s computer screens were filled with lines of flickering code. On the bed was the Unfinished Universe board game, cut and glued into an infinite loop. Light from the hall fell over Mart’s face, he spun around. ‘Oh, hi.’ Then, with a single stroke on the keyboard the music shut down. Dan yawned and sat on the bed, ‘Mart, what are you doing?’ ‘I’m digitising the game.’ ‘You know, the scary thing is that I understand what that means. But that’s not quite what I meant. What are you doing playing… at four… oh it doesn’t matter.’ ‘Make some coffee?’

After Dan ran through the ideas Mart said, ‘these are good for the community growth stack. But we need more ideas for the direct action stack, something more hard-hitting.’ Dan sighed, ‘Don’t we need to go in at the soft end, get converts then gradually introduce them to more challenging tasks?’ ‘Yeah, right.’ ‘Anyway, I’ve got to go back to sleep now.’ Mart said, ‘Before you go have a look at what I’ve done.’ He touched the keyboard and the infinite loop appeared on the screen. It looked very similar to cut-up game on the bed.’ ‘Where are the counters?’ 76

‘They are the different coloured squares on GO.’

But clearly, it wasn’t.

‘Oh?’ ‘”Oh?” What were you expecting?’ ‘Something a bit more high-tech, a bit more whiz-bang and 3D, you know us in miniature jogging along a path of game squares, dodging rolling dice and well, yeah just generally more animated.’ ‘The basic stuff comes first,’ said Mart. ‘We can go whizz-bang later on.’ ‘Fine.’ ‘Right.’ Mart turned back to the screens. Dan glanced around the room. There seemed to be less of Jen’s stuff on her shelves. ‘You know I haven’t seen much of Jen for a while.’ ‘She’s gone up north to some card conference, she’s staying with friends.’ ‘Right, oh and Mart.’ ‘Yeah?’ ‘I’m sorry you missed out - with the paint and the SUVs - it was just something that happened, really.’ ‘It’s cool,’ he said. 77

Flame’s Little Sister

At that moment - for Dan - it seemed a more comfortable option to stay in the flat, sink into the sofa, drink beer and watch TV. He said, ‘I think it could rain.’ ‘Nimrod said he has a surprise for us and I’m taking some Billy.’

The next time Nimrod phoned on a mission, Mart was at home. It was a week later and Mart was in the front room with his feet up

Dan sighed, ‘Ok, I’m in.’ ‘Cool. We leave on bikes in ten minutes.’

reading through a book as thick as the Bible, but not quite so much fun. He picked up the receiver. ‘Yeah, oh hi Nimrod, yes I

By the time they left the flat it was getting dark. From the go Mart

was thinking what we should do next and I’ve ordered

raced ahead, then stopped at street corners to let Dan catch up.

something… (pause) What? Oh, sounds cool.’ He pushed his cuff up and looked at his watch. ‘About thirty minutes? Yeah and I’ll bring Billy (pause) you know our mate Billy Whiz? (pause) oh yes. (pause) Well, I think he’s seeing Vicki tonight. OK, I’ll ask him. Cheers.’ He hung up. Mart shouted up the corridor. ‘Hey, Danny boy, did you say you were seeing Vicki tonight?’ ‘No, she’s doing some acting thing.’ ‘Anyway Nimrod says he might be doing something tonight. Are you on?’ ‘Am I on? I don’t know. Is it going to be more paint in water

‘Come on, give it a hundred percent.’ ‘Go on ahead, I’ll see you there.’ ‘Come on Dan, just push yourself a little harder.’ Dan found himself pedalling slower just to annoy Mart. Flame answered the door. In the moonlight her skin had a transparent quality, her eyes were bloodshot - like she’d been crying. She forced a smile. ‘Hi.’ Mart glanced reproachfully at Dan. ‘Sorry we’re a bit late.’ ‘Not a problem,’ said Flame. ‘Come on in.’

pistols?’

She was still limping.

‘Perhaps.’

Dan said, ‘Is the leg getting better?’ 78

‘Much, Nimrod wanted me to use a stick, but I don’t see the

Dan had only seen Flame being confident and in control, even

point.’ She sniffed.

after she’d been hit by the SUV she was more angry than shaken.

‘So what’s the surprise?’ said Mart pushing ahead. Flame forced another social smile, ‘It’s in the front room, go on in ahead.’ There was a large box covered with a towel in the centre of front room. Dan looked around, it wasn’t just the box that was new: there was a dream-catcher hanging from a shelf and crystals were on top of the television - there was even some incense. Mart just saw the box. He pointed, ‘Hi Nimrod, is that the surprise?’

It was strange to see her like this. Nimrod got up and said, ‘You don’t have to. If you don’t want.’ ‘No, it’s OK. Where do I start? I had a twin sister. Nobody could tell us apart - not even our parents sometimes. We were normal kids, drooling over boy bands and going to discos, reading glossy magazines and covering our walls with fashion shoots. But just after we turned fourteen she started to go to the bathroom after eating. I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was a phase. And after a while it did stop. ‘But a year later, after she split up with her boyfriend, it started

Nimrod nodded, ‘But this isn’t really about us or me, it’s about

again. Over just three weeks her face became drawn, after a

Flame.’

month she looked skeletal. When I said something to her she’d say, “But I look great in a size ten.” I hear her words in my head

She entered the room and paused, head down framed in the

now and it’s really obvious but at the time I didn’t know - the

doorway. Then she walked in front of the television, put her hands

whole family didn’t know, perhaps we didn’t see what we didn’t

together, gave a little bow and said, ‘Namaste.’ Dan and Mart

want to see. And what could we have done anyway? I remember

glanced at each other and shrugged. Flame continued, ‘There’s

one night she wore a t-shirt to bed and I could see her ribs and

something I want to tell you, before I start I just want to say

the joints in her elbows. I shook her and said, “What are you

thanks to Mart and Dan for coming and especially to Mart for

doing to yourself? When will you stop this?” Two weeks later she

bringing the blow - nice one.’ Then she inhaled. ‘Ok. I have a…

was dead.’

no wait.’ She looked to ground, her forehead knitted together in a frown. ‘I had a twin sister. God this is going to be harder than I

Dan exhaled, ‘Fuck.’

thought…’ 79

‘Yeah,’ said Flame. ‘Fuck. When something like that happens you

Nimrod said, ‘The mixture will give us a maximum splatter

just ask why all the time? You wake up asking it in the morning

pattern.’

and it’s the last thing you think of before you pass out at night. I found out a lot of it from a diary. Her boyfriend had told her she was fat, then when they split he’d told her he’d stopped fancying her. Yeah, I blamed him for a time, for years, but now I’ve come to realise that he was a victim too. All the internet images and ‘top shelf’ magazines he wanked over were pushing impossibly thin

Flame said, ‘Even though I know what they are doing and saying I can’t ignore them, I can’t shut them out of my head, it’s like they are shouting at me. I simply want to shout back I want to take my streets back.’ Nimrod said, ‘Let’s do it.’

waists and big tits - all wearing make-up and airbrushed, it’s not possible to live up to that. Reality becomes such a let down.’

Mart jumped up and said, ‘Let’s go level the media playing field.’

Mart bit his lip. ‘The pornography continues in the glossy magazines and street posters. A hundred times a day we have the carrot of perfection dangled before us: the message is always the same: if we buy the perfume or clothes or shoes a bit of their perfection will be lent to us. But after you buy them and you are not perfect, well then you feel terrible, and you want to feel better, you want to look better and you are sucked into the void.’ She gave Nimrod a nod. ‘Now.’ He got up, went to the corner of the room and lifted up a box then put it down at her feet. At first Dan thought the box was full of large eggs, then Flame lifted one up and it stretched. It was a balloon full of some liquid. Under his breath he said, ‘A water bomb?!’ Flame said, ‘Not quite. The balloons are full of paint and thinners.’

Rubber Justice

Mart stroked his chin smearing the paint, ‘We need some sort of catapult, something to propel the balloons.’ Nimrod said, ‘Hey, we’ve got a box of balloons and I’m not afraid to use them. Stand back.’ The other three ran while Nimrod held the balloon threw the balloon like a javelin. He managed to hit just

Flame was given the honour of the first paint bomb. A huge

above the ankle, lower than Flame but with a bigger splatter

billboard poster showing perfect legs and a pink plastic razor. It

pattern. The paint dribbled down to the bottom of the poster and

read For legs to be adored… Flame searched the box for the

over the white frame. Now the image had changed from looking

biggest balloon. She said, ‘This should do it.’ Then she held it in

glamorous to being something post apocalyptic. Nimrod

the centre of her right hand like a shot put and leaned right back

assessed his work, ‘Nice, now let’s move on.’

then pushed with all her range and anger.

The next advert was for ice cream. A toned and six-packed semi

Mart shouted, ‘Wait! No!’ But it was too late, her arm was already

naked couple sat in front of a television feeding each other

moving then the balloon was away, had left her hand and was

spoonfuls. ‘Ok,’ said Mart. ‘My turn, stand back.’ He landed a

flying though the air. There was no shortage of force, it hit the

large blue splat on the man’s face then followed up with yellow on

perfect pink hairless knee and exploded. Mart had turned away,

the ice cream.

but it was too late for the other three. A second later a shower of red paint exploded down on them. ‘Oh,’ Flame spat out the spots of paint, ‘Sorry.’ Then she looked up at the board, ‘Looks good though.’ ‘Yeah,’ said Dan. ‘But look at us - there’s more paint on us than the billboard.’ Nimrod said, ‘That’s gravity for you.’

Flame said, ‘Cool.’ The next, close to the train station, was for deodorant. The poster was a close-up of a six-packed toned and tanned hunk. Dan said, ‘I’ll get this one.’ ‘What?’ Said Flame. ‘Hey,’ said Dan. ‘It’s not just women who are oppressed you know. Look at that bloke’s six-pack. How do you think that makes me feel?’ 81

‘?’ Dan went on, ‘It’s just a six-pack. He has no arms and no head and no legs, he’s just a chunk of meat. Before today that made me feel like a flabby slacker. But now it makes me want to strike a blow. Stand back.’ He landed a blue above the belly button, then followed-up with a red on the nipple.

and walk.’ By the time he’d finished talking the car had passed. Dan exhaled. Mart said, ‘There you see, no problem.’ The remaining walk back was in silence. Dan wondered what would happen if they were picked up. What was this? Vandalism? What would you get for that as a first offence? Not prison, but

Nimrod said, ‘Respect my friend, respect.’

certainly a police record and perhaps community service.

By the time they ran out of balloons all four were covered in a

They got back to the Nimrod’s flat and Flame bathed while Dan,

rainbow of splatters.

Mart and Nimrod cracked open beers. They talked until two then

‘Shall we run back?’ said Nimrod. ‘No,’ said Mart. ‘We walk, running would be conspicuous.’ ‘Yeah right,’ said Nimrod. ‘And being a walking Jackson Pollock isn’t?’ Flame said, ‘Will you stop arguing and start walking.’ Moments later a flashing blue light approached them from the darkness. Dan felt his heart bounce up against his ribcage. There was the sound of an engine and a police car coming right at them - sirens.

Nimrod brought two sleeping bags out for Dan and Mart. Just before they all went to sleep Mart slapped his forehead. ‘Fuck.’ Dan, ‘What?’ ‘The drugs, we forgot to take the Billy.’ ‘Oh, well too late now - and hey - we still had a good time: we still struck a blow for truth and justice.’ ‘Well yes,’ said Mart. ‘But it would have been a better experience on speed.’ Dan sighed.

Mart hissed, ‘Be cool. It’s probably on another call out. Don’t act suspicious. They can’t see the paint from the car in this light. Just walk, just be cool, just be cool. Just walk, walk and walk and walk 82

Part Three The Perfect Omelette

The Random

She changed her tack, ‘Have you come to sift and tidy?’

Universe

‘Really?’

‘No, I’ve come to take you away from all this.’

‘Yeah, want a jacket from Jackets?’ ‘There’s a lot work to do here.’ ‘I’m sure Joyce will be ok for a bit.’

Joyce was dum-de-dumming All Things Bright and Beautiful at the till while Sally stacked the all-new travel section. She was standing back, thinking for a second, reaching down into a box at her feet then lifting Australia and Brazil to their alphabetic slots. She was in her regulation orange combats and matching cotton crop-top. Dan watched as Sally stretched, he could see the heels

Sally glanced at Joyce who - with a wave of her hand - indicated that she and Dan should go and walk through the Lord’s glorious land and eat of his bounty. Sally glanced at her watch, ‘Jed’s coming to meet me in an hour.’

of her orange Doc Marts were on the point of wearing through.

‘Oh, Jed.’

Dan coughed and said, ‘Hey Sally you missed your vocation.’

‘Yes Jed.’

Without turning Sally replied, ‘Oh, I don’t know about that Dan.’

Sally got her jacket from the staff room.

She twisted on her toes, smiled and pointed at the new section, ‘What do you think?’ ‘Love it.’

Joyce glanced up from the till and raised an eyebrow. Dan and Sally walked up the high street in silence. Dan began to think this had been a terrible idea. Half way to Jackets he glanced

‘It’s making me want to travel, all those books, all those places,

up and down the street, checking - as he always did - for the

all those people, delicious.’

Tourette's Woman. Meeting her was a local rite of passage, she’d

‘Yeah, travel is good.’

creep up behind an innocent and pounce with a string of 84

invective. Dan decided to break the silence, ‘Have you ever met

help. When he saw Sally he broke into a smile and said, ‘Hi

Tourette's Woman?’

Princess, the usual?’

‘Yes, you mean Jacky, I’ve met her a lot, but I haven’t seen her for

Sally blushed and nodded.

a while.’ ‘Perhaps she’s on holiday?’ Sally shrugged her shoulders, ‘unlikely.’ Sally was right, as much as Dan wanted to imagine Misses Tourette hanging out on Fuck-You-Cunt-Wanker Island with a gang of fucking foul mouthed bastard mates, it was much more

‘And you my lucky man?’ Dan turned to Sally, ‘What are you having?’ ‘Ratatuie.’ Dan turned to the Jack, ‘The same.’ ‘Is that a large one?’

likely that somebody three times her size had taken offence and she was now being brought back from the brink in St Thomas’s Hospital.

‘Oh yes.’ Jack put a slice of butter in the potato and then added the

There was no queue at Jackets. The eating area was all plastic-

topping from a heated container. He also filled a small tub with

coated faux wood on chipboard and the seats were fixed

grated cheese.

benches that you had to slide in on. Behind the counter there was an oven full of potatoes, then a bar of fillings to choose from. The

Dan reached for his wallet, ‘I’ll get these.’

walls of the kitchen area were lined with white tiles. A few

But Sally insisted on going Dutch. As Dan got his change he

business cards (mostly for taxis) and postcards were pinned up

wondered what going Dutch actually meant and what the

by the till, one was of a sunset with a hammock held up by two

derivation was, then - as quickly as the thought had arrived it

palm trees, it read, ‘Come home to Jamaica’.

drifted away.

The black guy behind the counter was reading a well thumbed

‘I’m pleased you came by,’ said Sally sliding into the booth. They

thriller. He was wearing a badge that read, Hi I’m Jack here to

were both surrounded by plastic plants, which the staff (on slow days) had to pretend to water. 85

‘Yeah? Pleased?’ Dan flicked open the styrophone container with

‘Then you could put the ticket in a plastic bag and put it under the

his thumb.

driver’s wiper - so they see it and they have to read it and then

‘I had another idea for your game.’ ‘?’ ‘The Unfinished Universe - remember?’ ‘Oh yeah that.’

you’ve made your point.’ Dan lifted his right eyebrow. ‘It could work.’ Sally forked some potato, a small cloud of steam came off it. She lifted it to her mouth and blew. Then she said, ‘What are you saying, “could”? Is that not pushing out the edges of your comfort zone?’

‘Direct action.’ ‘I’m all for stuff you know like that, demos and stickers and ‘Go ahead.’ ‘You design and print out parking tickets.’ ‘Yeah?’ ‘Not a real parking ticket but a fake SUV one, so on the top of the ticket you’d print Notice of Fixed Penalty Fines, then you’d have a row of boxes and by them you’d write things like You are being fined for… box: contributing to childhood asthma or box: polluting twice as much as regular cars or box: endangering other

posters, you know, like we did that Sunday. But ultimately I think that if you want to make an omelette you simply have to be prepared to break a few eggs.’ ‘Oh,’ said Sally. ‘I’ll have to think about that.’ They ate the rest of the lunch in silence. Dan scraped the potato down to the skin, but then he was still hungry so he rolled the skin and ate it with his hands. Sally said, ‘Want my skin?’

drivers.’ ‘No thanks, I’m good.’ ‘That sounds good.’ ‘Ok, so what would you do Dan? How far would you be willing to ‘Really?’

push outside your comfort zone?’

‘Yes, really.’

‘What do you mean?’ 86

‘Well, let’s say a demo is well in your zone.’ Dan nodded. ‘And

‘Seriously, I mean if you think back through history you can see

let’s say planting a bomb is way outside your zone - and I hope it

that the rights we have and world we live in was created by

is.’ Dan nodded again, ‘Well where is the edge of your zone now?

people who were willing to break the law.’

Where do you draw your line?’ ‘Well - like you - I wouldn’t want to hurt anybody, I mean not physically, but I think you do have to be prepared to break the

‘Like?’ Sally sighed, ‘Ever heard of Rosa Parks?’

law.’

‘No, I don’t think so.’

‘Like?’

‘See Jack, the guy who served you the potato?’

Dan thought about the last few weeks, ‘Off the top of my head:

Dan turned around in his chair, ‘Yeah.’

sabotaging poster campaigns, messing up private property with a bit of paintwork, just generally breaking a few eggs and ruffling a few feathers.’ Sally sighed, ‘Jed says the same thing.’ ‘Right. Jed. Very good I’m so pleased we are both reading off the same card. Hey, quick subject change, will you split a chocolate flapjack with me?’ Sally nodded, but before he could leave the table she reached for his hand and whispered, ‘I think you are right.’ ‘What? Really? That’s unexpected.’ ‘Yes, I think you’ve got to be prepared to break the law.’ ‘Get you, radical.’

‘He knows.’ ‘What, who Rosa Parks is?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘So how do you know that he knows?’ Sally shrugged her shoulders, ‘Two reasons; the first is because he’s black and just about every black person within a thirty mile radius of where we are now sitting knows who she is.’ ‘And secondly?’ ‘Oh, he’s got a picture of her stuck on the wall.’ Dan slid out of his seat and walked back to the till, he ordered flapjacks and two more coffees. Sure enough there was a small 87

black and white postcard stuck to the wall. It was of a black woman - perhaps in her late twentys - being fingerprinted by a white cop. She was attractive looking down, he had bad jug ears and Brylcreemed hair, but wore a very smart shirt - perfectly pressed. Dan thought, why were fascists such snappy dressers?

‘So she sat to make a stand.’ Sally looked Dan in the eye, ‘If you want me to finish don’t interrupt.’ ‘Sorry.’

Mussolini and Hitler, both very smart. Looking way back there was Julius Cesar who could turn a bed sheet into a fashion

‘Anyway, the driver stopped the bus and asked her to move, she

statement. Meanwhile the love and peace brigade were terrible

didn’t. The police were called and she was arrested and later

dressers: it was all stubble and loincloth with Gandhi, Buddha

convicted for disorderly conduct.’

went through a very scruffy stage and of course Jesus - a beard, long lank hair and sandals. ‘Can I help you with anything else?’ ‘What? Oh no. Well yes actually. ’Dan pointed. ‘Is that Rosa Parks?’ Jack nodded, ‘Ah-ha.’ ‘Nice pic, thanks.’ Dan returned to the table. ‘Ok Sally, you’ve made your point. I should have known who she was and I don’t.’ ‘Don’t feel too bad Rosa is part of the black American civil rights history and that rarely gets taught in our white middle-class English schools. But For Your Information it was in the mid-fifties, Alabama when segregation was normal. The story goes that Rosa was going home on a crowded bus, she was exhausted after a

‘Yeah?’ ‘As a result of her arrest the entire black community boycotted public buses for over a year. They only returned once segregation in public buses had been lifted. ‘Wow.’ ‘Yes, without a doubt. Wow. Ok, time to redeem yourself.’ ‘What?’ ‘Quid pro quo Dan. I want a civil disobedience stroke protest story out of you.’ ‘God, I think I’ll need another coffee first.’ ‘I’ll get you one.’

long day as a seamstress. A white man asked her to give up her

Dan inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly: he had Gandhi in his

seat for him to sit down on. She refused.’

pocket but for maximum brownie points he needed to pull out 88

somebody more local, and somebody who was steeped in girl

‘Ghandi,’ she said, ‘will have to wait.’ And she slid out of the

power. From the darkness of his brain came the name, Gerry

booth.

Halliwell, but in an instant he knew that was so wrong, the second name to materialise was Pankhurst. Sally rested the coffee on the table. Dan said, ‘What about the suffragettes?’ ‘Go on, what about them?’ ‘Think back to pre WW1, women had no vote, the suffragettes protested: they chained themselves to railings, set fire to

‘Cool, but listen, it’s strange isn’t it?’ ‘What’s strange?’ ‘Well if it wasn’t for Missus P would women have the vote? If Rosa had given up her seat, would there still be segregation in Alabama? Was she there in the right time, on the right seat on the right bus? Or was it something that was going to inevitably happen anyway?’

mailboxes and smashed windows etc. And one - I think - threw

Sally reached over and took the unused salt sachet from her tray.

herself under the King’s horse at some race and died, I forget the

She tore the corner and sprinkled the micro avalanche on the

details. Anyway a lot went to prison - including the feisty Missus

table. The crystals jumped and settled. ‘Consider the salt.’

P, and there were hunger strikes and force-feeding sessions. It was full on. And then - hey I remember the dates - in 1918

‘Yeah?’

women over thirty got to vote then about ten years later they got

‘See how it forms a pattern, there are clusters of crystals, then

to vote on the same terms as men - QED.’

there are thinner parts.

Sally nodded, ‘Very good, I’m impressed.’

‘Ok, yeah.’

She looked at her watch and Dan said, a little too desperately,

‘Could this pattern of crystals only have been formed in this way

‘Then there is Ghandi and his protest against salt tax.’

at this time on this table? Or are they just random?’

But Sally was still looking at her watch, not telling the time

Dan thought for a moment. ‘I don’t know. There’s no way of

anymore but as an indication that she was going to have to go,

knowing.’

‘Everyday I look at things and think: are they random? Or does everything link in with everything else? Does every cause and effect create knock-on causes and effects? I mean what about you walking into the shop and volunteering, this conversation. Maybe it was meant to be, maybe it all slots into a bigger picture, a pattern that we can’t yet workout, a jigsaw that is still being assembled.’ Dan scratched his head. ‘Perhaps, who knows? I’ll think about it.’ Sally wiped the salt away from the table and caught it in the palm of her hand then emptied it on her tray. ‘Sorry, was that a bit much?’ She didn’t wait for an answer. ‘I’ll see you later - in the shop maybe.’ And she was out of the door. Dan suddenly felt alone. He considered getting yet another flapjack to fill the emptiness but then decided against it. He cleared his tray onto Sally’s, then emptied both into the Thank You bin. He looked up at Jack thinking they might exchange a goodbye nod, but he was restocking the tuna and sweet corn tub. Outside, next to the chemist, a gang of homeless huddled together, building themselves up for their regular methadone prescription or - for those who had failed to keep the faith - to exchange needles. Dan was forced to step into the road to keep his distance.

The Pop-in

Dan walked to Burger King, which had terrible coffee but - from the first floor window - a prime view of Leicester Square and all its’ unfolding drama. Dan took a sip of his coffee and caught a glimpse of his distorted reflection in the curved glass - he looked tired, pale. Who would have thought unemployment would be so

As Dan was walking back to the flat he thought of Vicki. What was she doing right now? Seven stops later he took his mobile out of his pocket and flipped it open then scrolled down to V. There was no reply from her home number so he called her mobile (premium rate). ‘Hi Vicki are you close to home?’ ‘Dan! I’m here just, err, vacing, so maybe I didn’t hear the phone.’ She sounded out of breath.

stressful? He pushed his focus out of the window. On the street there was a man - Eastern European? - with a huge bunch of red roses. Even from the first floor Dan could see that these flowers were past their bloom by date. The man was approaching couples, holding a single stem at them to sell. Established relationships - interlinked arm in arm - swerved in S shapes. It was the first-daters (those still worrying about minty breath and if they should be holding hands) who were the easy touch. Rose Man seemed to sense their vulnerability, he moved in like a hawk and inevitably there was hesitation after which First Date Man

‘I was just passing and I thought I’d pop-in.’

reached for his wallet and flipped it open in submission. The First

‘Pop-in! Didn’t we talk about the pop-in? Didn’t you promise

wanted and was stuck with it for the rest of the night. Still what

never to pop-in unannounced?’

were the options? If FDM refused he’d look tight and perhaps, by

‘No, I don’t think so.’ She sighed, ‘God Dan, the flat is a mess. Look why don’t you go and have a coffee and then call me in - say - half an hour?’ ‘Sure.’

Date Woman then accepted the half dead rose neither of them

implication, a bad provider. This was a real no-no. Dan went to drink the last of his coffee and found his cup was already empty. He checked his watch and went to the door then walked out quickly, glancing for a close up at Rose Man’s face: there was no love there. He remembered Vicki’s words, about it being a dog-eat-dog-eat-dog world. Then he thought back further, to when his boss (ah back in the day of the regular salary) 91

when she said that there was always somebody eating caviar and

Vicki leaned forward and brushed her nails though Dan’s hair.

somebody else shovelling shit, that was just the way things were.

‘Wise boy: and are you ready to commit to us, to take

He pressed the buzzer. ‘Hi.’ ‘Come up.’ Buzzzzzzzzz He climbed the steps and they kissed hello.

responsibility and generally grow up?’ Dan put his left hand behind his back and crossed his fingers, ‘Of course,’ and then he moved in for a second kiss, this time going in more slowly, and more (he hoped) seductively, then he suddenly pulled back. ‘Hey you smell of cigarette smoke, you’re

She looked flushed.

all smoky.’

They pulled apart.

‘The jumper, I wore it out to the pub a few nights ago, I should

Dan said, ‘You look great.’ Vicki shrugged her shoulders, ‘The vac work-out.’

have washed it, I forgot.’ ‘Well that’s ok.’ Dan turned around, pulled her tight against him and gave her a Hollywood movie star kiss. While they touched he

Dan scanned the flat. Every socket had an air freshener plugged

moved his hands slowly up her spine and started to rub the nape

into it. She saw him looking, ‘They’re air fresheners Dan, you buy

of her neck.

them in supermarkets, they make things smell nice.’ ‘Oh yeah, I know that.’ ‘So what brings you downtown?’ ‘I was thinking about what you said.’ ‘Yeah?’ ‘About winning the global lottery: about being born in the right

‘Don’t,’ she said. ‘Stop. No stop.’ ‘Sorry.’ ‘Sorry? What?’ ‘You said “Stop” was I doing something wrong?’ Vicki pulled him towards her, ‘Oh, you silly little right on thing you. Come to bed.’

place at the right time, about us making the most of what we have.’ 92

Dan continued to rub her neck then he started to kiss and lick it.

with his back on the bed while Vicki removed the condom and

Vicki started to purr, ‘Mmm, you’re so good.’ She reached for

applied skilled hand relief. Dan came for England. A spray

Dan’s crotch and started to rub. ‘Mmmm,’ she said, ‘Fuck me,

splashed on his chest and the sheets. It took three heartbeats for

fuck me like a whore.’

euphoria of sex to evaporate. He sank into the springs of Vicki’s

Dan wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. He pulled her jumper off and started to undo her buttons. ‘No,’ she said. ‘Tear them

bed. It was then he noticed the bolder burns in the sheet. “Hey, are they spliff burns?’

off.’

‘No.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘They look like spliff burns to me.’

‘Do it.’

‘Dan, just leave it.’

They pinged across the room.

‘I was only asking.’

Vicki said, ‘Tell me to open my legs.’

‘Ok you’ve found me out: there’s something I need to tell you.’

Dan did.

‘Yeah?’

Vicki said, ‘Tell me you want to fuck me.’

‘Sometimes, when I’m stressed, I have a roll up, I’m not proud of

Dan did. Vicki said, ‘Tell me you want to come inside me.’ Dan pushed his jeans to his knees and reached for the jar of condoms – which she kept in the bedside cabinet. They were all different flavours and as he opened the packet he smelt a wave of banana. They did missionary, then doggy but he couldn’t come. Sweat dripped off the tip of Dan’s nose onto Vicki’s spine. She was too wet and the rubber too thick. After half an hour he lay

it, but it helps. It’s my body and it’s my life, so don’t go all preachy on me.’ ‘Yeah, no sorry, for a moment there I thought…’ ‘Thought what?’ I thought you’d never come.’ ‘Yeah, me too.’ He closed his eyes. Dan is in a dark room, there is a red glow, a cigarette? The light illuminates a face, it’s an animal, a fox. It’s smiling and blowing 93

the smoke out of its nostrils: demonic and comic at the same time. Dan tries to move his arms but can’t. He looks down, they are strapped to the chair with thick leather bands – no give. He can’t see his legs, but like his arms, they are not moving. Fox

‘I went to see a face reader last week.’ ‘What?!’ ‘This face reader, he said that I have angel eyes.’

comes up to Dan’s face and exhales ashtray breath. Dan feels the smoke reach around his face and penetrate his skin. He starts to protest but the words that come out are just sounds, ‘wahh wahh whahh’ everything is scrambled, coded. ‘Hey? Are you asleep?’

‘You have sweetheart.’ ‘Oh just shut up for a second Dan.’ He mimed zipping up his mouth. Vicki continued. ‘He said that every soul comes to the Earth many times, and each time it has to learn spiritual lessons, called karmic lessons. That’s why you have bad karma it means

‘Wahh, no, no. No I’m not.’ ‘Blokes, they are all crap. Go and make me a nice cup of tea.’ Vicki gave Dan a little kick and he rolled off the bed, remembering

you have done something bad in a past life and now you have to do something good to balance it out.’ ‘Yeah.’ Dan nodded encouragingly.

to pull his trousers up just in time to prevent a comedy fall. The kettle boiled and Dan made two mugs of tea, he tried to

‘He said that I have an old soul: that my soul has been here many

remember how many sugars Vicki had, was it one or two? Was it

times before and I’ve learnt lots of lessons so this may well be my

different for tea and coffee? He was about to ask her, but the

last time here on Earth before I move to a higher spiritual plane.’

question seemed wrong, he’d just been inside her so - he figured

Dan did more nodding. ‘But, he said that you Dan, you are a very

- he should know how many sugars she took. In the end he got a

young soul. Now that’s not a bad thing at all, that’s a good thing

tray and took the bowl of sugar - problem solved: genius.

because you’ve got all that learning and growth ahead of you.’

Dan passed the mug to and Vicki. ‘Thanks,’ she said and rested it

‘So just where is this going?’

beside the bed. Dan put the tray on a table and slipped back into his side of the bed beneath the duvet. He moved over to hold her but when he touched her skin she pulled away. ‘Dan,’ she said.

‘Just listen for a minute. That’s why you like Star Wars and Superman and all that stuff.’

‘Yes.’ 94

‘Are you saying Star Wars isn’t spiritual? What about The Force?

bowl of sugar. Then he returned to the bedroom and scattered it

What about Yoda?’

across the duvet.

‘Dan, here’s a tip, when you get up to your neck, stop digging.’

‘What the fuck?!’

‘God.’

‘Ok Vicki, you hear me out now, and tell me if the pattern this

‘You are just proving what I’m saying: I mean it, we come from

sugar has made is random or is it meaningful?’

very different spiritual planes.’

‘What?’

Dan knew Vicki was many things: she was exciting, beautiful and

‘I mean, this pattern, see all the different clusters and spaces,

gifted in the bedroom, but the idea she was on the verge of

could it have happened at any time? Or could it have been only at

ascending to a higher spiritual level was frankly ludicrous. But if

this time, in this pattern, on this duvet cover?’

Alanis Morissette had taught him one thing, it was to toe the line and play along. So he smiled and nodded. ‘What else did he say?’

‘Dan, I’ve just cleaned and you are chucking sugar around the place, what the fuck are you playing at?’

‘That I had a boyfriend, but we argued a great deal, but if we could overcome that then we had a great and very powerful love ahead of us. He said the future was there for us if that was what I - we - wanted.’ Dan reached over and held Vicki’s hand. ‘That is what I want,’ he said. ‘But I feel you are just not committed enough.’ Dan knew he needed to say something both smart and spiritual that also illustrated just how committed he was to the relationship. He got up, went to the kitchen and picked up the 95

Revelation

‘Cheers.’ Dan took a sip of his pint and said, ‘No, thank you Mart,’ then he added. ‘Isn’t it strange?’ ‘What?’

Mart sat with his back to the wall in the corner of the Bread and

‘Today - I don’t know - it’s just like everything has fallen into

Roses while Dan got the pints in (with Mart’s cash). It had been a

place. Everything has gone right. Everything I have touched has

good day, very good in fact, in the morning - out of the blue - Dan

turned to gold. Hey, so what is in the package?’

been commissioned to write an article about sharks for Ornaments Magazine - which was doing an issue on sea life. Then no sooner had he put the phone down than Vicki had texted him: thinking of you. True, the sugar thing had been a debacle, but he’d cleaned up and then told her that - clearly - he inhabited headspace in a lower spiritual plane. There was some further grovelling then he went down on her and that had done the trick. Mart was on top form: A big box had arrived that morning - about half a metre square. When the bell rang Mart sprinted to the door to sign for it and had been like a kid on Ritalin ever since. ‘Guess what it is Dan, can you guess? You’ll never guess!’ Dan guessed it was a piece of computer equipment NASA didn’t yet have and Mart said, ‘Come on Dan, you are not even trying!’ The box had

Mart shook his head, ‘No, I’ll open it when we get back.’ Dan continued to guess, ‘It’s… the building blocks of an AI machine that will become capable of independent thought and try to take over the world?’ Mart smiled and shook his head again. ‘Well then,’ continuted Dan. ‘It’s got to be a hive of nanites so small they can enter the human body undetected and manipulate blood cells at a subatomic level.’ ‘Dan, I like the way you are thinking, but you are still stone cold.’ They both drank. Dan said, ‘How’s the game coming?’

remained untouched for the whole day, and now, even as they

‘Good. I’ve got a really lovely animation on the dice and I’ve set

were at the pub drinking pints it remained sealed on the Indian

up a chatroom for people to log in and discuss stories and

coffee table in the front room.

exchange ideas. I still need to set up an anonymous IP address

Dan past Mart his pint and handed over the change. 96

and a series of untraceable mirror sites and then we are on the

‘Well I’ve got to make money somehow. Mart, do you think we

verge of going live with a beta.’

can make the board game pay? Could we charge for people to

‘Right great.’ Dan didn’t understand half of what that meant. Nimrod arrived (pint in hand) and slipped his tour guide jacket off, turned it inside out and hung it over a chair. ‘Hi lads.’ Dan said, ‘Isn’t Flame coming? I thought you’d been surgically joined now.’ ‘Very funny, actually we are booked to have the operation next week. No, tonight she’s distributing the wisdom of the ancients in town.’ ‘Yeah,’ said Dan. ‘Nice work if you can get it.’ Nimrod said, ‘Speaking of work, I’m thinking of… no.’ he corrected himself, ‘Nimrod be positive, I’m going to do a standup routine about our work.’ ‘What!’ said Mart, choking so hard beer came out of his nose. ‘Yeah,’ said Nimrod, ‘I think there’s a market out there for that sort of thing. You know, like the balloons and paint falling on us? It’s funny.’ Mart shook his head, ‘No way.’

visit the site, or hey, could we sell advertising space?’ ‘Do you really think advertisers are going to pay to appear on an anti-corporate site?’ Nimrod slumped back in his chair petulantly. ‘But,’ said Mart. ‘That’s not a bad idea, we could use spoof adverts on the site or adverts that are animated with splatters of paint appearing on them. That would look really good.’ Nimrod: ‘Yeah. But there is no cash in that.’ Mart: ‘That’s true but Nimrod, you have to start thinking longterm: ultimately we will take the means of production away from the bourgeoisie and deliver it into the hands of the proletariat.’ Nimrod: ‘And that means?’ Mart: ‘It means in the future you wouldn’t just work for the Big Bus Company but you would own a share and you would directly benefit from the profits they made in form of a regulated dividend.’ Nimrod shrugged his shoulders, ‘My hours have been cut, my rent has just gone up and Flame likes eating out.’ He sighed drank half his pint then continued. ‘So until The Revolution comes I might have to start claiming housing ben.’ He finished the pint 97

and went on. ‘Mart we’ve got the prototype, why don’t we send it

Dan watched Nimrod drift into the crowd. He was right about the

out to the board game people?’

game: where was the future? Where was the cash? Where was

Mart: ‘They are all such capitalist scumbags they’d just steal your idea, change it enough to dodge copyright, and you’d have nothing.’ ‘What do you think Dan?’

the point? How was he going to be top dog in the dog-eat-dogeat-dog world, how was he going to keep Vicki in roses and cocktails? Dan’s flagging sprits were buoyed up by the next round and then as the night went on Mart kept on producing more cash for more drinks and Nimrod kept on running to the bar. Dan got up to go the toilet and his head spun. He gripped the

‘It’s true, while you can copyright specific designs you can’t

back of the chair Was that five or six? It was never a good sign to

lose count. ‘I’m a bit woozy, got to make a move lads.’

‘?’

‘No,’ said Mart. ‘More drinks.’ He thrust yet another note at

‘Ok,’ said Dan. ‘Take Mickey Mouse.’ ‘The rodent of repressive capitalist dictatorship.’ ‘Yeah, thanks Mart. Well you can copyright that specific design: a smiling mouse with a face and ears made up from three large disks. But you can’t copyright the idea of a cartoon mouse.’ Nimrod sighed and drank his beer, ‘So you’re saying no cash.’ Mart reached into his wallet and handed Nimrod a cash machine crisp note, ‘Get them in, oh and some nuts too.’

Nimrod. ‘Get something exotic. I know ask for slippery nipples.’ Dan said, ‘Every man’s dream.’ Nimrod duly returned and toasted with ‘Scaramunga! Scaramunga: three nipples - yeah? Geddddddit?’ ‘Very good.’ Mart said. He lifted his drink off the table, raised it to the air and shouted, ‘Let us toast our absent friends: Liberty, Equality and Fraternity!’ There was the sound of thunder from outside. It was so loud the whole pub seemed to go silent, then there was nervous laughter.

Nimrod: ‘I don’t want your charity, you know I can’t get you one

A few made their way to the door and peered up into the sky. Dan

back.’

felt the Irish cream, whisky and schnapps move down his throat

Mart: ‘Just take it and be cool.’

like a silk glove. But when it got to his stomach it formed a clenched fist and started to fight with the beer. There was a flash 98

of sheet lightening and the pub lit up casting deep black shadows

Mart smiled, ‘Now is the time!’ He removed a corner of the tape

across the room. This time the whole pub ohhed.

and ripped the box open. Inside the big box was a lot of

‘Hey Dan,’ Nimrod said. ‘You look, err not well.’ ‘I’m fine, but I just need to get home. Just need to lie down. Everything is going to be ok.’ ‘Right homewards bound,’ said Mart.

packaging then a smaller box and on that smaller box was a picture: it was of a gun - something between a pistol and a rifle with a cylinder attached to it. Nimrod’s mood changed in a heartbeat, ‘Genius,’ he said exhaling smoke. ‘A paint ball gun, Flame was talking about using fire extinguishers to propel the balloons, but this is so - wow - genius

The three stumbled out of the pub and down the street, the

man.’

temperature had dropped, there was still no rain, but it was coming.

‘Yeah,’ said Mart. He took the gun out of the box and started to stroke the long thin smooth black barrel.’ ‘It’s perfect,’ said Nimrod in awe.

At the flat Mart’s parcel sat on the coffee table in the front room. Dan (who felt better for the fresh air) slumped on the sofa, ‘I think I’m having a second wind.’

Mart turned to Dan, ‘What do you think?’ ‘I don’t know, it was a very big build-up and, well you know, that’s

‘Nice one, I’m going to skin-up.’ Mart sliced open up a cigarette

a lot to live up to.’ Dan took the spliff from Nimrod and - without

and mixed the tobacco with grass and rolled it into a carrot

thinking - inhaled deeply. His whole body seemed to sink into the

shaped spliff. He took a few puffs, said ‘sweet’ then passed it to

sofa, the extremities of his face started to melt. He took another

Nimrod.

deep drag - why not? There was another deep rumble of thunder from outside and a flash of lightening. Dan felt a wave of nausea

The meter squared parcel remained, exactly where Mart had left

pass over him. He gasped out, ‘Whitey. Got to go out for air.’

it, on the coffee table in the centre of the front room. Nimrod shook it, the sound was the soft shuffle of polystyrene peanut against polystyrene peanut. He said, ‘Oh come on Mart just open the fucker.’

Nimrod said, ‘But it’s about to piss down.’ Dan said, ‘Feel bad, going to be…’ 99

Mart said, ‘Go.’ Dan was already standing up. He grabbed his jacket then pushed down on the door and staggered out into the street. When the rain started it was just a few drops, but seconds later sheets of water followed: it was rain on a Biblical scale; car roofs became steel drums, rooftops became waterfalls and the gutters became gushing streams. Rain poured on Dan’s head, ran down his back and off his nose. By the time it occurred to him he should turn back for shelter he was already so wet it had stopped mattering.

showed it taking the porn to the counter. Four and five showed it ripping the mags up and the last showed a blurred leg leaving the shop amid a sea of torn tits and legs akimbo. Dan looked closer at the last picture. He could just make out jeans, frayed at the edge and a heel of a worn Doc Martin. He moved closer still - so his forehead and nose now touched the window - he could make out a lighter area on the boot, just a dot: no more than a couple of lighter pixels. He wiped the window with his sleeve and looked again. Could that be? Then he felt the fist in the pit of his stomach twist and return, the slippery nipple was coming home.

There was a dark space by the newsagents that would be ideal for chucking-up and this rain would wash it all away, but when he got there Dan just couldn’t be sick. He slumped down against the wall and decided that the best way forward would be to push a finger down his throat; he tried but pulled back at the last minute. Fuck, he thought, those models earn every penny. He wiped the water away from his eyes and then he caught site of the notices in the newsagent’s window. He could see that next to the usual massage parlour adverts were some angry capitals, DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS? Below it were six small grainy screengrabs of somebody in a balaclava. They had been taken from a security camera and set together they looked like frames from a comic. The first showed The Balaclava entering the newsagents. The second showed it picking up a pile of top shelf porn, the third 100

Coming Clean

was a small pyramid of black bin bags in the room which almost reached the ceiling. ‘Wow.’ ‘Yeah,’ said Sally. ‘Spectacular isn’t it? This is what happens if

Dan went to the charity shop first thing the next morning. The shutters were down but a light was on so he rang the bell and

nobody sorts for a few days - chaos.’ ‘I can help you with them, if you want.’

knocked the door. The big question - he thought - was whether to come straight out with it and confront Sally, or to tease her along

‘Thanks.’ She was pouring the water then stirring the coffee. She

for a few hours and then pounce.

handed Dan the mug and they both drank.

A voice shouted, ‘We’re closed.’

Dan said, ‘That’s so good - thanks.’

‘It’s me,’ then he added. ‘Dan.’

She smiled. ‘So what brings you out so early?’

There was a whirrrr of a motor and the shutter behind the started

‘Well obviously I’m on a mission to make the world into a better

to rise. Dan watched Sally’s giveaway boots, then her shins and

place…’

thighs and stomach, neck and face. He smiled and said, ‘How come you’re not open?’ ‘I’m dealing with the backlog. Have you come to help? God you look like shit, do you want a coffee?’ ‘Yes, coffee would be fabulous.’ She closed the shutter and they walked through the shop to the stockroom. Sally clicked the kettle on and Dan sat down. There

‘Ok Dan, I think we can now take that as given.’ ‘…and to talk about your omelette.’ ‘?’ ‘You know what we talked about, saying you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.’ ‘You are going to have to help me out here.’ ‘Your direct action.’ 101

‘Still not getting it.’

‘Shit.’

Dan decided to just come out with it. ‘I know you are the porn

‘So is this a regular, err activity?’

ripper.’ Sally’s mug broke into three large pieces as it hit the floor. Hot coffee exploded across the old green tiled carpet. ‘Fuck,’ she said. ‘Fuckaty fuck-fuck-fuck.’ Dan went to the toilet and wrapped a few metres of toilet roll around his hand so it looked like an outsized boxing glove. He put it on the floor and trod on it, the fluffy white of the paper became

‘It might be. I’m not hurting anybody, not breaking the law or anything.’ ‘Yeah right.’ ‘No, I get the magazines off the shelf and put them on the counter, there’s nothing wrong with that.’ ‘Yeah. But you rip them up.’

black with the dirt and coffee. ‘I pay for them first. I give the cash before ripping the magazines.’ ‘You’re going to have a clean spot there now.’ ‘I didn’t see that on the security pics.’ Sally looked at him. ‘How?’ ‘Well, that’s why I have the balaclava on. You can’t always expect ‘Well the coffee has washed a patch of dirt away, and you know,

pornographers to play fair.’

so it’s different colour.’ Dan smiled, ‘I guess so. Shall I make you a new coffee?’ ‘No, not the carpet stupid, how did you know?’ While Dan was putting the kettle on Sally talked: ‘Look Dan I walk ‘Oh, sorry they’ve put photos from the security camera in the

the streets and every day and I feel eyes on me: checking me out,

shop window.’

watching me move. The way my tits move from the front and bum

‘But I wore…’ ‘Yeah - the balaclava - but they got a pic of your hand painted boots.’

from behind and why? They see these pictures in magazines. They see women who are all spread out and then they transfer it onto me. They think I’m available like the girls on the paper…’ Dan interrupted, ‘I’m not sure it quite works like that.’ 102

Sally ignored him, ‘…then if that’s not enough you finally go out

that we pelted a few posters with balloon paint bombs - and

with somebody and you can’t compete with those fucking perfect

that’s it, really.’

images,’ her face reddened. ‘Women’s bodies covered in makeup and touched up on the computer; spot free, cellulite free: it’s an impossible perfection. After that they are repulsed by women

‘Hey, I think I saw one of those.’ ‘Yeah?’

because they are expecting something that simply doesn’t exist, so they retreat to the safety of their magazines.’

‘A six-pack on a bus shelter poster.’

‘Oh,’ said Dan. ‘I hadn’t thought of that. Well I guess that could

‘Yes, that was me striking a blow for the brotherhood.’

happen.’ He handed her the coffee. ‘Damn right it happens. And you Dan?’ ‘Yes? Oh-no-never-no.’ He felt himself blushing. ‘Well maybe once when I was younger.’ ‘No, I’m not asking about porn - I just assume you have a stash tucked under your mattress - I’m asking about your direct action.

‘Respect to you.’ ‘Thanks.’ ‘But a bit messy though.’ Dan suddenly thought of Mart, ‘Hey, nobody said that starting a revolution was going to be neat and tidy.’

You know about me, but you’ve been coy about what you’ve

Sally walked over to the book section. ‘We had this really old

done.’

book come in a week ago about graffiti protest.’

‘You really want to know?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Spill.’

‘I can’t see it, it must have gone, but it had a picture in it, it was

‘Well, there’s not that much to tell: it started with some bumper stickers - that’s when my nose got broken - then I went out with Nimrod and we messed up some SUVs with paint. Oh, and after

an advertising hoarding for some car and the lettering above it read something like, “If this car were a girl you’d smack its bum”.’ ‘Nice.’

103

‘Yeah, and somebody had written underneath it, “If this girl were a

‘If they are badly patched, torn or very warn they go to the

car she’d run you over”.’

ragman. Just stick them in a black bag and throw them in the

‘Even nicer.’ ‘So you see how it works: people go past one of your paint attacks and they just think mess, but they go past that car poster and they see how ridiculous the advert is.’ Dan nodded. ‘True.’ ‘Then I saw another book and it had adverts that had been altered so well you couldn’t tell at first. It was only when you looked closer that you could see the meaning had be changed.’ ‘So it wasn’t an advert, but a subvert.’ ‘Hey clever.’ Dan gave a shallow bow, ‘Words are my tools.’ Sally sighed and looked away from the shelf, ‘No, I can’t see it.’ She straightened up, put her hands on her hips and looked at the mountain of black bin bags, ‘Right, well let’s get to work.’

back.’ ‘Right.’ Dan opened another bag full of clean shirts that smelt of fabric conditioner. When Sally opened a bag an avalanche of wooden kids toys fell out. ‘I’ll put these out now,’ she said going out into the shop. ‘This sort of thing sells really quickly.’ ‘Cool.’ When she returned Dan said, ‘You know I don’t think Mart is going to go for your subvert idea.’ ‘Huh?’ ‘Well he’s just got this paint gun.’ ‘Huh? Again.’ ‘It uses compressed air to fire paint pellets.’ ‘Wow, so he’s not worried about some policeman putting five

‘Indeed.’

holes in his head?’

‘Baby clothes on the counter, all other clothes on hangers, if they

Dan screwed his forehead up. ‘Why do you say that?’

are good.’ ‘And if they are not so good?’

When the police see anything that looks like a gun they shoot first and…’ she opened a bag full of travel books. ‘Hey, great.’ 104

‘And what?’

Dan opened a fresh bag, the smell was like death, ‘Oh fuck.’

‘…and ask questions later. God I can’t believe you didn’t think

‘What?’

that through.’ Dan opened a bag full of 70s kitchenware in immaculate condition. ‘Nice. Well we weren’t planning on getting caught.’ ‘Who does?’

‘Look at this.’ It was a bed sheet covered in dried blood. ‘Is this somebody’s sick idea of a joke?’ ‘Bin it.’ The Recruit

‘I see what you mean. Look I’m sure Mart has a plan.’ They sorted though bags for the next fifteen minutes in silence then Sally said, ‘So are you meeting your girlfriend later?’ ‘Perhaps, but probably not.’ Dan opened a bag full of suites that were discoloured and smelt of damp. ‘Is it serious?’

Martin returned from work, slammed the door and threw himself on the sofa, ‘My cohort are fucking insane.’ ‘What?’ Mart shook his head and sighed, ‘God Dan, my cohort: the group of people I work with. I thought words were your tools?’ Dan

‘You might get some of the marks out, but I don’t think you’ll ever

ignored this and handed Mart a bottle of beer. ‘I’m guessing you

get rid of that smell.’

want something?’

‘Bag it and trash it. No, I meant about your - what’s her face -

‘Oh? How? What?’

girlfriend. Vicki isn’t it?’

‘Come on Dan, a few cans in the fridge and we are mates right? A

‘Oh yeah. I guess sort of serious, whatever serious is. And what

chilled bottle…’ he looked at the label, ‘… of premium imported

about you and Jed? ‘Are you serious?’

larger pressed into my palm as my bum hits the sofa and you

Sally looked up from the bin bags and found Dan’s eyes looking

want something. Is it the rent?’

back at her, she glanced down. ‘Yeah, same as you.’ 105

Dan shook his head, although rent was a problem it wasn’t the

‘Yeah, she said something like that.’ Martin shoved his hand

problem. He decided to play for time. ‘I think beer really does

down between the sofa cushions and pulled back a half eaten

taste better from a bottle - you know, less tinny.’

bag of salt and vinegar crisps. ‘The bottom line is I’ve had an

‘What is it? Come on.’

official warning.’ He put invisible quotes around “official warning” with his fingers to mock it. ‘It’s a stupid fucking job anyway, I

‘So what’s happening at work? Why are your cohort crazy?’

don’t know why I do it.’

Mart looked to the floor, ‘I’ll pretend to be distracted.’

‘Money?’

‘Thanks.’

But Martin was not going to be sidetracked much longer, ‘Is it Vicki? Jesus, you don’t want to move in with her do you? Or for

‘There’s this thing I do at the end of each gig, you know in the

her to come here? I mean no way.’

chatroom.’ ‘No Mart it’s not about rent or Vicki, it’s about Sally.’ ‘Yeah?’ ‘Another one, my god, I living with the Don Juan of Clapham!’ ‘Ok if it’s been a really good, I type: “cut your finger and place it in the centre of the screen”. Then I type: “ouch”. Then about fifteen

‘You know, I work with her at the charity shop.’ Mart drained his

seconds later it will be: “Ahhhh, now we are all blood brothers”. I

bottle and Dan went on, ‘… anyway I was talking to her about the

mean the whole thing is harmless, it’s just a laugh. It’s bonding

game.’

and the kids love it - nobody is actually meant to get hurt - to cut themselves.’ ‘So?’ ‘One kid got his father’s razor and cut his finger really badly. Just as the blood was dripping off his screen into his function keys his mother came in.’ ‘Jesus.’

‘Yes?’ ‘Well she came up with an idea, because this hire firm has gone bust and we - well the shop - have got a load of their clothes.’ ‘Yeah? So?’ ‘So we all get dressed up smart, like we’ve been to the opera or something, then we’d go to town late, you have the gun: we’re on 106

look-out. Splat, splat, splat and pop the media beast gets one in

of a cigarette and opened it up. The tobacco was taken out and

the eye.’ Dan inhaled and went on. ‘We wouldn’t look like activists

mixed with the hash. Now Dan knew he was home and dry. A bit

we’d look posh - and we’d just be the lookouts - you’d use the

of spliff and Mart’s stubbornness would wane. More than a bit

gun.’

and he could negotiate a late payment of the rent too. Mart rolled

Mart put his bottle down on the table, it wasn’t slammed, but it wasn’t as gentle as it might have been either. ‘You told her about the game? You told her about me? You told her about the gun?’ ‘Mart, it’s only a paint gun.’ ‘Well next time ask me first.’ ‘Yeah, ok. Hey Mart she loves the name, The Unfinished

the splifff and pulled the bits of loose tobacco from the end, then he secured a roach and lit in silence. Five deep draws later he rested the joint on the ashtray and handed it over. ‘Thanks man.’ ‘So she likes the name?’ ‘Oh yes, loves it.’

Universe.’ Dan lied

‘And she wants in?’

‘Really?’

Dan took a single light drag, ‘Oh yes, I guess we’ve got Flame.

‘Yes really, oh and did I tell you she’s a Leninist?’ Mart’s lips tightened in suspicion and Dan instantly knew he’d gone too far. ‘Well,’ he said quickly. ‘Who doesn’t like The Beatles?’ Dan was on the verge of telling Mart about Sally’s masked porn ripper antics, but that was a high-risk strategy: sure her action was very much in the sprit of the game, but Mart had a penchant for porn a

You know, and if we want to start a revolution…’ ‘Which we do.’ Dan handed the joint back, ‘Yeah, well we’ll need to involve more than four people.’ ‘Yes?’

mile wide (he wasn’t just using those computer screens build the game) so it might work against her.

‘So were going to have to recruit at some point.’

Mart opened the hash box on the coffee table, took out a small

Mart took some more deep draws, Dan watched the small

lump of solid and softened it with a lighter. He then licked the side

boulders of solid glow bright red then die. Mart exhaled, 107

“‘Recruit,’” he said. ‘Yes I like that, I like the sound of that very

and it wasn’t like he had to work tomorrow. Dan sparked the

much but can we trust her?’

spliff.

‘Who?’ ‘Sally, can we trust her?’ ‘I don’t know, no I mean yes.’ ‘So you can vouch for her?’ Dan nodded, ‘Yes, yes I can vouch for her.’ ‘Sure?’ ‘Yeah, Sally is cool, I can vouch.’ Dan wasn’t exactly certain what vouching meant and what he’d have to do if Sally were to turn out to be an infiltrating member of the secret police. So he added, ‘But who can you really trust? I mean in this life, who do you really know?’ There was no reply, the spliff had gone out in Mart’s hand and he’d fallen asleep, the crisps fell to the floor, spilling across the carpet. Dan got the spare duvet from a cupboard. Then he pulled the spliff from Mart’s fingers - just in case it was still alight - and placed the duvet over him. He took a long hard look at the spliff. Was this reefer madness? What the hell, Mart wouldn’t remember

108

The Infamous Five

Her face was obscured by a pile of tuxedos and ballroom gowns, but Dan recognised Sally from the orange boots. ‘Dan?’ ‘Hi Sally, take five paces forwards then turn to your left, that’s the

A meeting was called at the flat the following week. Flame and Nimrod rocked up early, ‘So, we’re going smart?’ he said while giving Flame’s waste a little tug. She giggled and pushed him away playfully. Dan shrugged his shoulders, ‘That’s the plan, I gave Sally your sizes - more or less - and she’s going to bring a selection of stuff.’ ‘Cool.’ Dan said, ‘So Nimrod, how’s the stand-up routine going?’ ‘Slowly. Hey do you know the secret of comedy?’ ‘What?’ ‘Timing. That didn’t quite work, I was meant to say it quicker, like you say “what” right when I say “timing”. I need to work on that.’

door. Here actually, why don’t I just take some of the stuff?’ Dan picked up the top half, an orange taffeta ball gown and a collection of suits and shirts. As he passed through the door Flame pulled herself free of Nimrod and pounced. ‘Is that for me? It’s loooooooooovlee.’ She reached and stroked the fabric, it rewarded her by flowing into organic waves of oranges and reds. ‘I’ve got to try it on, can I?’ Sally, nodded. ‘You must be Flame?’ ‘Oh sorry how rude.’ Still clutching the dress in her left hand Flame darted forward and delivered a barrage of continental kisses on either side of Sally’s cheeks. Then she jumped up and down like a little girl and said, ‘Can I? can I? can I?’ After she left Dan frowned and said, ‘I thought Flame was against fashion and all that glossy magazine stuff? I thought she was all

Flame said, ‘Where’s Mart?’

arty-farty and hippie-dippy - I mean that in the nicest way.’

Dan looked at his watch, he should be back from work soon, well

Nimrod shrugged his shoulders, ‘Ah, the mystery that is woman.’

now actually.

He seemed to drift into a trance for a moment, then he looked at

The door buzzed. 109

Dan and whispered, ‘Will we have to - you know - pay for these

slamming the door. Sally - keen to please - had found the perfect

outfits?’

jacket, but the trousers that went with it were way too long. Sally

Dan shook his head, ‘They’ll all have to go back to the shop when we’ve finished with them, but there’s no hire charge as such.’ ‘Hi, I’m sally,’ said Sally pushing out a hand.

held them against him and made the mistake of saying, ‘The jacket is working, but you are a little short for the trousers.’ There was a sharp intake of breath from around the room. ‘Don’t worry,’ she went on unwittingly. ‘We’ll just pin them up.’ Emotions ran over Mart’s face in a series of micro spasms. After a few seconds

‘Oh sorry,’ said Dan. ‘Nimrod, Sally, Sally Nimrod.’ They shook and Nimrod said, ‘Thanks for getting the outfits, I think you just made Flame the happiest girl on the planet.’ ‘Don’t thank me just yet, the shot taffeta is the pick of the bunch, most are ripped or stained.’ Flame returned flushed with pleasure, ‘It’s incredible. This is the most beautiful dress I’ve ever warn, it’s like it was made for me.’ She moved to the centre of the room and spun. It was true, she looked like a movie star, it was like the dress had become an extension of her skin.

he forced his legs forward and actually stepped up and stood on the table. Mart was not short-short, not like say Mussolini, but he was still a bit shorter than the average man in the street. Dan had never talked height with Mart, guessing it would be a tricky subject, he had always figured that the weights Mart kept under the bed were there to compensate for something. In that moment - as Mart forced his legs, one in front of the other, to move him up on the coffee table, to stand where Jen had stripped for his mates, to be pinned up by a stranger who had basically - called him a short arse - Dan knew that the evening

The other four were not so lucky. The only suit to fit Dan had a rip

was going to spiral down into deep disaster. He touched his nose

down the left armpit. Nimrod got a perfect dinner jacket with

unconsciously; his finger running over a thin layer of skin covering

rounded silk lapels, but all the trousers were too small and Sally

shattered bone (now reformed) and dislodged cartilage. If there

found all the dresses too big or too badly ripped to wear, ‘God,’

was going to be violence he wanted no part of it, but at the same

she said. ‘No wonder this hire company went to the wall.’

time he didn’t want to back out either, he didn’t want to leave

The real fashion disaster came when Martin returned home. It started out bad with Mart grunting, ‘Thanks for waiting’ and

Sally, he didn’t want to be the only one of the five that was all dressed up with nowhere to go and at the same time - on some 110

strange level that he couldn’t quite figure out - he felt he owed Mart.

‘Shhhhh.’ In the distance came a dull thud, the sound of flesh hitting concrete, and then a lighter noise that Dan later learnt was an

•••

uppercut into Mart’s solar plexus. A gasp, then there was Mart’s winded voice struggling to make the words, ‘Stop, please, stop.’ ‘Dan, get your head down!’

Five hours later a taxi driver was leaning out of his cab and shouting, ‘They went down there.’ Blue police lights flicked on and there was a crackle on the radio. All five were running flat out, with Flame having to lift her skirt up at the front to get some speed. They passed a bin and Mart threw his beloved paint gun in

Fights are lengthy affairs in the films, it’s a blow from the right fist, the sell, spinning and down on the floor, then back up again, a cut to the eye and blow to the ribs and still the action rolls on. In reality - as Dan had learnt - most fights are over much quicker.

it. ‘Fuck,’ it had got caught in his belt, a ripping sound and he

A uniform walked by on the far side of the street. Between the

was away. The spit in Dan’s mouth tasted like acid, he made a

cars Dan could see he was carrying Mart’s paint gun by the tip of

silent promise to do more exercise - if only he got away - and

the barrel. ‘Result?’ The first uniform asked.

then he felt his shoulder being grabbed. He raised his hands in the air then realised it was Sally, she spun him into an arc that landed him into a shop doorway. A dirty sleeping bag - no doubt from a rough sleeper - was bundled up in the corner. ‘Lie down,’ she whispered. Then she slipped down behind him and pulled the

‘I think we have the set,’ said the second uniform. The two met. Mart was up on his feet, his toes in fact, being pushed up and forward with a tight arm lock. He was struggling to breathe. ‘Dan, get your head down! I’m not going to tell you again.’

bag over them both, it smelt of sweat and dirt and perhaps a sprinkling of month old urine too.

Dan ducked down and his face rubbed against the fetid sleeping bag and he gagged.

She hissed, ‘Try not to breathe so heavily.’ The first uniform, Dan guessed the one who had Mart in the arm ‘Hey, I am trying,’ said Dan.

lock, said. ‘You’ve got a bit of rabbit in you haven’t you me-ladddo?’ 111

The second spat and said, ‘Just the one? You’re losing your

Five hours before. Mart’s trousers had been pinned up and they

touch Bob.’

had talked about the game for a few hours. Nimrod had said, if it

‘It’s one more than you caught.’ ‘What a waste of fucking time, it’s just more fucking paperwork.’

were a game just to be played online, could they charge for it? Mart said that people didn’t like to pay for something that wasn’t tangible and Dan agreed. Nimrod sighed, ‘So let’s go back to real-life board game…’

The talking drifted away until Dan could only make out the swear words then even they were gone. Minutes later the police car

By ten they were fading, so Mart made a round of double

engine started up and accelerated past. Dan risked bobbing up,

espressos, which made everybody chatty. Flame said how she

hoping to see Mart’s face in the back of the black-and-white, but

wanted Mart to target some fashion posters for her, ‘Women like

the light was too bad and the car too quick.

sticks, working as coat-hangers, making us all feel bad - I mean, where is the love?’

Sally twisted up, ‘Well that was stupid.’ Sally chimed in, ‘Let’s not forget that these clothes are made by ‘What? You mean looking up? Dressing like opera buffs or - now I

third world sweated labour.’

think about it - the whole fucking fiasco of the evening?’ ‘Right,’ said Dan. ‘And the people who work in the fashion shops, Sally lifted a hand to her mouth to gag herself, but a streak of

get like, nothing an hour.’

laughter forced itself out from between her fingers. ‘So,’ said Nimrod wrinkling his brow. ‘What you are saying is they Dan said, ‘You know, I told you.’

are all exploited.’

‘And you were right.’

Flame nudged him in the ribs and said, ‘Exactly, you’ve got it.’

And suddenly it occurred to Dan that they had been spooning

Mart chimed in, ‘We’re all victims of the oppressive system.’ He

together.

took as swig of double-shot espresso and added. ‘We are the blood that’s oiling the cogs of capitalism, keeping the machine moving.’

112

On the tube the five were the smart ones heading into town and were sober while the rest of the city were coming back casual and drunk. Getting a seat was not - therefore - a problem. Martin was

‘No.’ ‘You mean putting a positive spin on things?’

carrying a box of long-stemmed roses to hide the paint gun.

‘No, not that either, but you are getting closer.’ The tube swayed

Nimrod leaned over to Dan. ‘Do you think we look like Reservoir

violently and the wheels screamed metal on metal.

Dogs?’ ‘Dan, I just say things as I see them.’ Dan thought for a moment, ‘They were all blokes in straight black ties, while we have two women and have dickey-bows.’

‘What?’

‘Oh, right. I see what you mean.’

‘I JUST SAY THINGS AS I SEE THEM.’

The train rattled on the track, everybody’s head swayed. Dan

‘I know, THAT’S what I’m saying.’

looked at his reflection in the glass opposite, if he stretched his back up just a little, the top of his head grew to Mekon proportions. Sally said, ‘Checking out your receding hairline Dan?’ ‘What?’

They pulled into Kings Cross. Sally leaned closer to Dan, ‘Hey, I’m sorry. I can be a bit like that, I can snap.’ ‘I’m, you know, tense too.’ Dan went close to her ear and whispered, ‘I’ve got a bad feeling about tonight.’ She turned her head and suddenly their mouths were very close,

‘I saw you.’

‘Just nerves,’ she said. Her breath smelt of toothpaste.

‘You know Sally, you are lovely, but you could learn a thing or two

‘Hey you two,’ said Martin. ‘Break it up.’

about tact.’ ‘What’s that meant to mean?’

They had decided on Kings Cross, as it was central, Mart said they would go north then walk down, hit a few signs then catch the last tube home. It sounded so simple.

‘Tact, you know, being gentle with the truth.’ ‘Hey, look over here,’ said Nimrod. There was a trolley cut in half, ‘You mean lying to make people feel better?’

made to look like it was passing through the wall. 113

‘What?’ said Flame and they all moved over. He pointed and went on, ‘This is platform 9¾. You know, from the Harry Potter books. Apparently there’s loads of congestion here in the daytime as fans pose pushing the trolley through the wall for a photograph.’ He walked over to the trolley, gripped the handle and flashed a cheesy grin, ‘But the strange thing is that J K Rowling wanted the platform to be in the centre of the station, and as you can see, this is not the centre, in fact it’s the edge and if you want to go to platform ten you have to leave the main building, so it’s not so satisfactory.’ ‘That’s interesting,’ said Mart, his words dripping with sarcasm.

knows the joke, why do they call them dickey bows? Because they are warn by pricks. Right? Dan turned to Sally and said, ‘Random question: would you rather date Gandhi or Elvis?’ but she wasn’t listening. She had started scanning for hoardings with Flame. It was strange to see Flame dressed in a ball gown scoping for fashion targets, but like Nimrod said, the mystery that is woman. Fame was a girl with a mission, but Sally seemed to have a lot more than one to go at. It was like Flame was taking on coat hangers, but Sally was taking on the world; there was the sweatshop work, her porn-ripping activity but tonight (Matthew) she was coming on all anti-car. ‘Do you know how many kids are killed by cars every year?’ she

‘Yes, that is amazing,’ said Flame, her voice - in contrast - full of

was half shouting. ‘You can forget your kiddie fiddlers, the real

genuine gush. ‘How do you learn all these facts? You are so

threat to children is on four wheels.’

smart.’ Then she put her arms around his hips, pulled him close and kissed the side of his face, her left leg popping up as she made lip to cheek contact. Mart tapped his watch, ‘Are we going to spark a revolution or are we going to be sweet on each other?’ ‘Sorry Mart,’ said Nimrod, he winked at Flame then added. ‘Let’s go to work.’ As they left King’s Cross Dan couldn’t help but think about how

‘But what about when they grow up?’ Flame was saying, ‘The pressures on them from the…’ Sally cut in, ‘You mean if they grow up.’ Dan cut in, ‘Perhaps we could find a hoarding with a stick-thin model and a car, what do you think?’ Sally and Flame chimed ‘ok’ together like best school friends reunited after a playground tiff.

far they were from being smart and hard. The dickey bow marks

Mart said, ‘We’re not just going to do one either… ah there we

you out as a bouncer or a wanker, or both. I mean everybody

go.’ 114

Around the corner were three hoardings together, one for a

the paint hit the hording - there was a bang, like a drum being

washing machine, one for underwear (sporting a busty male

beaten.

fantasy) and the third for a car, the gist of this final ad was how safe the car was.

Dan looked at Sally, ‘Fuck, we didn’t think of that.’ They looked up at the hording; there was an impressive blue splatter in the

Sally pointed at it, ‘Safe? Safe for who? The people inside feel

navel area. Mart was taking aim for a second time, this time

safe, so you know what they do? They drive that little bit faster. In

aiming high to compensate for the distance. Puff-bang, this time

fact these cars feel so good and that at thirty you feel like you are

he scored a direct nipple. He turned to the car ad. A bullseye on

crawling along. It seems unnatural. So what happens?’

the bonnet. But this even made more noise than the last.

Martin reached for the gun, ‘They go faster? Ok Sally we know

‘It’s like a drum,’ said Sally.

where you are coming from. Now Flame and Nimrod you go to the left, Dan, Sally, you go off to the right. We wait until the street is clear, do it, then walk away. Got it walk: no running and no

Dan said, ‘“Like a drum?!” It’s like the fucking encore at Stomp.’ ‘Is that meant to be funny?’

panicking. What do we do?’ A taxi came around the corner, went down the street and slowed Nimrod and Dan chimed, ‘We walk.’ They went to their posts and waited. Time passed and they

next to Mart. The window went down. ‘What the fuck do you think you are doing?’

waited some more, but this was the centre of town and even late

Mart turned to look at him, moving the gun with him so it now

at night there were always people and cars coming and going.

pointed at the open window. ‘Just shout some more if you want

After ten minutes Martin started to pace. The longer they stayed,

some.’

the more obvious it looked. After twenty minutes the road became clear, but only for a second. Mart grabbed the gun and let the roses fall to the ground. He looked up at the underwear advert and held the gun in both hands and lifted up the barrel, he was clearly aiming for the breasts. When he pulled the trigger there was a small puff of compressed air, a second later - when

‘Get a fucking grip. What is this rag week?’ Martin started to walk towards the taxi. The window shot up and the engine revved. After it pulled away Martin walked into the centre of the road, aimed and then pulled the gun back as if it had been fired. 115

Dan ran up from his post, ‘Mart, we’ve got to get out of here.’ Mart turned, scowled and said, ‘Why? This is my city.’ His eyes were on fire.

Dan said, ‘Sorry mate, I’ve got to go.’ He ran to the top of the street and turned left, he could hear footsteps behind him. He turned a sharp right and pushed even harder, pinpricks of sweat burst out on his back and the saliva in his mouth became acid.

Mart’s statement floored Dan, because clearly this wasn’t Mart’s

Looking back would cost him valuable seconds, but the footsteps

city, but clearly now wasn’t the right time to argue about

seemed to be getting closer. He pushed on. There was the sound

ownership. He reached for the top of Mart’s arm, shook it lightly

of metal on metal - could that be Dan stashing his gun in the bin.

and said, ‘Mart, I believe you are thinking about Monopoly.’

He was about to turn when Sally’s arm reached out from the parked cars and pulled him into a shop doorway.

Mart shook his arm free of Dan’s grip, ‘You can’t sit on the post forever you know Dan! There comes a time when you have to pick a side, you have to commit.’ ‘Mart, what’s got into you? Listen, in about three minutes you will be committing from inside a police cell, and what good will that do the revolution?’ Mart froze. Dan suddenly realised Nimrod was still at the other end of the street, he was jumping and shouting, Flame had him by the hand

Twenty minutes after Mart had been arrested Dan was starting to get extremely cold from the stone floor. ‘Do you think we should go now?’ he said. Sally said, ‘Names? Do you think Mart will give the police our names?’ ‘My teeth are chattering.’

and was pulling him away. He turned back to look for Sally but

‘He’ll give them his address without thinking, will he tell them

she had gone. ‘Mart, do you want to get caught? Would you just

about me? What does he know? Does he know I work in the

walk into a police station with your wrists together and say “nick

charity shop?’

me” because that’s what standing here is doing.’

‘Jesus Sally you are starting to sound like Mart now.’

Mart still didn’t move.

116

‘I’m serious Dan, I could end up in real trouble,’ she pushed the dirty sleeping bag aside and jumped to her feet. ‘You are going to have to come home with me.’

117

Sally’s Place

‘What sort of look were you going fo…’ Sally cut in, ‘I mean it! Stop, or you can go home and take your chances that Mart hasn’t squealed to the rozzers. Sugar?’ ‘Thanks, just one.’

Sally’s flat was ‘studio’ which is estate agent parle for one room,

The kitchenette was in a reach-around corner, so Sally winked out

but packed with clutter. Newspaper cuttings and photographs

of sight. Dan could hear the kettle boiling; he continued to look

were taped, pinned and in some cases even nailed to the walls.

around; taped to the wall above a desk was a colour photograph

The single window was covered with a piece of ethnic fabric and

of a woman with long straight dark hair being dragged away by

the room was lit with random clusters of fairy lights. Dan thought,

two policemen - one under each arm. She was doing the - I’m not

it’s like an Aladdin’s Cave that has been ransacked and filled with

resisting arrest, but I’m not helping you either - style of protest.

charity shop shit. Sally emerged with two steaming mugs. ‘Tea?’ Dan said, ‘What was that?’. ‘Oh yes thanks.’ ‘Greenham.’ ‘Dan, I know it’s not the Ritz, but try not to look so appalled.’ ‘No, what she’s doing?’ ‘Right yeah sorry.’ He continued to look around, hypnotised by the extreme clutter; the floor was littered with piles of clothes and old towels. A large section of green wire fencing had been given pride of place, tacked up above the sofa - framed in a square of

Sally gave Dan the mug, ‘Protesting.’ ‘There’s a special… yeah passive resistance, that’s it.’

white fairy lights.

‘That’s right.’

Dan pointed at it, ‘Sally, that’s so you.’

‘Like the suffragettes, so who is she?’ Dan went up close and

‘Don’t joke.’

squinted at the photograph, her body was loose and relaxed and her eyes were open, slightly glazed and looking up at the sky, a 118

tiny smile played around the left side of her mouth. Dan stepped back, ‘You know, she looks a bit like you. A sister?’ Sally shook her head.

Dan suddenly felt itchy, ‘Right, double nice.’ Sally said, ‘So what was up with your mate Mart tonight?’ ‘Well he’s been having grief at work, but it didn’t help that you

‘Wow, she’s your mother?’

called him a short-arse.’

Sally nodded.

‘I did not.’

‘Bingo! And I bet your father took the photograph.’

‘As good as.’

She blushed, ‘Now you can see why I don’t bring people back.’

Now it was Sally’s turn to slurp. ‘Well he is short. Not as short as

Dan smiled, ‘I bet they are proud of you.’ ‘?’

say, a jockey, but short and there’s nothing wrong with being short. I’m not shortist.’ Dan nodded, ‘God but you know he can be intense, tonight, when

‘You know, ripping up porn and fighting for the rights of the

I was in the street talking to him and he had the gun, he had this

disempowered sweatshop workers of the world.’

look in his eyes, it was like he wanted to get caught, he was like ‘Bring It On’ that was new, that was scary. What about you? You

Sally inhaled deeply and sighed, ‘Perhaps. Can we talk about

were wired tonight too.’

something else now?’ Sally yawned then glanced at the photograph of her mother, ‘If you want.’ They sat on the sofa. Dan realised the sofa folded into a bed so, in some bizarre way they were in bed together. Vicki would go

‘Using paint gun was so stupid, and it was like, you know, Mart had the toys and we were his lookouts, I mean for fucks sake, grow up!’

mental. There was thirty seconds of difficult silence. Dan slurped

‘This coming from the woman who dates a bloke who burns

his tea, ‘Nice sofa.’

shoes for fun.’

‘Thanks, I pulled it out from a skip.’

‘Jed is passionate that’s all, he’s in the moment.’ 119

‘Oh come on, he’s a wanker and we both know it.’ Sally tightened her lips into a thin line. Dan rolled his eyes, folded his arms and shuffled his bum on the sofa. ‘Well pardon me.’

closing the door softly behind him, he immediately regretted not giving it a bit more of a slam. Dan walked up the street then he faked remembering something, clicked his fingers, said ‘damn’. He crossed the road and walked down the other side. He was looking for police dozing in cars -

If he were with Mart now they would be smoking drugs and

Hollywood style - perhaps keeping their eyes open with coffee

talking shit for an hour then watching TV. If he were with Vicki

from a flask. But of course there were no police. He exhaled in a

they’d have had sex at least twice and be drifting off into post-

whistle, this was Sally’s paranoia, that was all. Like the police

coital slumber. Here there was difficult silences and tea. He had a

would stake out Mart’s flat? Crazy.

flashback of waiting for Sally in the cold, the bright blue sky, then Jed burning his shoes - wanker - and the chorus of his mates screaming on - wankers - and Sally doing nothing.

Martin’s bedroom door - as usual - was padlocked from the outside, which suggested he hadn’t come back, the rest of the flat was untouched. No sofa overturned, no cushions slashed

‘I’m tired Dan. We can top-to-tail here, or you can have the floor,

open with a knife and feathers splayed across the room. It was

it’s your choice.’

just as it was. Dan shook his head, it had been Sally’s paranoia.

‘Hrmmm, your feet or your floor? I’m strangely torn.’

The phone rang and Dan’s heart jumped so hard the blood pulsed through his head, he grabbed his jacket and rushed out of the

Sally’s eyes narrowed. ‘Now your choices have narrowed, it’s you

door. On the tube into town he thought, ‘on the lamb’ and while

go home or the floor, do you want to push me further?’

he wasn’t quite sure what that meant, it was something like being

‘The floor will be just dandy.’

on the run, it made being on the run sound glamorous. He suddenly realised he hadn’t eaten last night. As Dan approached

Dan couldn’t sleep. All night he just looked up at the ceiling, the

Vicki’s he was thinking about a bacon sandwich - that would be a

fencing and the photograph. Then he listened to Sally breathing,

sweet way to start the day. Vicki always had ketchup and she

thought about patterns of sugar raining down and counted down

toasted the bread, it was as it should be.

the hours until it got light. Then he scrambled to his feet and left,

120

A man in a suit was just leaving the flats. Dan darted in and

A voice from behind Vicki shouted, ‘Everything alright out there

caught the door. ‘Cheers mate.’ The suit pulled back frightened.

angel eyes?’

Dan climbed the stairs and knocked on Vicki’s door. It was light knocking at first - polite, but then when she didn’t answer he

She turned away, ‘Just the post,’ then back to Dan. ‘Just go.’

knocked harder. The door opened a crack, just enough for Dan to

Dan’s brain, clouded with a lack of sleep and too much optimism

see a narrow section of Vicki: one eye and half a nose.

for his years said, ‘Did you sleep with him?’

‘Hi, I’m on the bacon. No, I’m on the lamb and I’ve come for

‘No.’

bacon.’ ‘So he slept on the floor?’ Her one eye looked at him, ‘What the fuck? Do you know what time it is?’

‘On the sofa, for fucks sake Dan, he’s a friend, we got drunk and he didn’t feel safe to drive so he stopped over.’

Dan looked at his watch, ‘Eight.’ Dan sniffed, ‘Is that cigarette smoke?’ ‘Dan, we’ve had this chat right? You can’t just rock up here when it suits.’

The voice boomed again, ‘I’m getting cold without you.’

‘But I’m on…’

The small part of Dan’s brain that had been working so hard to deny the obvious finally collapsed. ‘You’ve slept with him? You

The door opened, now just enough for both of Vicki’s eyes to lock

are, you were just, you are mid…’

onto him. ‘Quiet, Dan listen,’ she rubbed her forehead. ‘It’s early in the morning and you rock up looking like you’ve been dragged

‘I had no choice Dan, I was so confused, we were fated you see,

backwards through ten fences and… oh god Dan, us grownups

we were together in a past life but got separated, it was a love

just don’t behave like that, phone first. Let’s have that as a rule.’

broken apart and now we are two halves that have travelled across the universe to find each other.’

‘But I…’ Dan felt as though he’d been punched. ‘I, did I do something ‘Don’t but me Dan.’

wrong?’ 121

‘Go now, go before he comes to the door.’ The voice shouted, ‘Vicki!’

was behind him, ‘No, take it I insist, get yourself something warm, but don’t come back.’ Without looking up Dan took the coins from the hand and stumbled down the stairs.

Vicki closed the door in Dan’s face. Dan looked at the door for ten seconds that seemed much longer, then he took a few paces backwards and sat on the stairs. Of all the things he could have said, he’d been weak and pathetic, well I hope he goes down, now that would have been a better thing to have said. Or to lean against the doorframe casually and say last night I slept with that woman from the demo so I guess we are even-stevens, which would have been misleading but lie detector true. ‘Fuck,’ he said. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck.’ Somebody came down the stairs, ‘Can I help you?’ it was a woman’s voice. Older, but Dan didn’t look up from the carpet. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I don’t think you can. I think it’s over.’ ‘Well would you mind leaving the building then? You see this corridor is paid for by the residents, if you want somewhere warm why don’t you go to McDonald’s and get a hot drink? Here…’ a hand was thrust in front of Dan’s face, ‘take this change, go and get yourself a breakfast.’ Dan wanted to protest, to explain who he was and what had happened. He opened his mouth but the words stuck like lead in his throat. It was going to be easer just to go, he reached for the banister and pulled himself up. The voice 122

The Thousand-YearOld Man

‘No look: it’s notes on notes see.’ He picked up a ten and waved it at Dan. It read, Will Spending This Really Make You Happy? ‘And then this, look at this, Flame did this one.’ It read, You Will Never Be Thin Enough, Give Up and Enjoy the Life You Have,‘ and this, this is a good one,’ Nimrod thrust yet another note in front of Dan’s eyes, They Want You To Be Miserable To Spend This Money You Haven’t Got, there was a little doodle below that one, a circular face with two dots for eyes and a big frown. ‘We’ve maxed out with our cards at the hole in the wall, but I can put this

Flame opened the door, flushed and still wearing the taffeta dress

back in the bank tomorrow and get new notes out.’

from the night before, but no shoes or socks. ‘Dan, wow, you look terrible.’

‘Yes, very good,’ said Dan. ‘I do see what you are trying to do: clever - spreading the message - I get it.’

‘Thanks, it’s a long story but I didn’t sleep much last night.’ ‘Coffee? I’ve got some great Colombian deep roast, it’s very very She shrugged her shoulders, ‘Yes us too, just couldn’t sleep,

good - a bit strong though.’

wasn’t it amazing? The night, the energy, wasn’t it wild? And…’ she spread her hands over her hips and ran them down the skirt, ‘…the dress, wicked, I tell you I’m never going to take it off. Want some coffee, Nimrod’s just put a fresh one on.’ Nimrod was in the kitchen, the table was covered with clusters of cash. ‘Hi Dan, what a night huh?’ ‘Yeah great, what are you doing?’ ‘Writing messages on money.’

‘Great, java me up.’ ‘Cool.’ As Nimrod was pouring Flame came in, suddenly Dan realised what was wrong, ‘I don’t want to bring you down or anything’ he said, ‘but, you don’t know do you?’ ‘About what?’ said Flame. ‘About Mart, the police took him.’

‘Right?’ 123

The coffee Nimrod had been pouring overflowed onto the floor

towel he remembered Sally, and him telling her that he knew what

and his sock. Flame slumped onto a seat.

she did after work.

Dan reached for the tea towel. ‘Well it might not be that bad, we’d

Flame said, ‘You didn’t really like Vicki did you?’

only hit a few posters - what can they arrest him for?’ Flame lifted her head up, ‘We thought he’d run with you.’ ‘Yeah,’ said Dan. ‘Mart was with me and he had the time to run,

Dan thought of her going down on him in the lift, her drawing a V in saliva on the mirror, of standing by the window and feeling that he was flying, sex on e and blow. He said, ‘We had our moments.’

but he went a little bit radio rental, you know he was saying “this

‘No, but deep down, if you are completely truthful to yourself, you

is my city” and he had this Bring It On If You Think You Are Hard

know that she’s not the one for you.’

Enough look in his eyes. Part of me thinks he wanted to get taken - god knows why. Anyway I stayed with Sally last night…’ Flame inhaled, ‘Ooh’. ‘No, not like that, on her floor. Which I tell you is nether pretty nor comfortable. Then I went back to the flat this morning - half expecting a stakeout - anyway he’s not been back, oh and then I went to see Vicki and she was sleeping with another bloke.’ Flame exhaled, ‘No!’ ‘Yes, some sweet talking face reading wanker said they were

‘Well I know that now she’s shagging the face reader!’ ‘Dan, remember this: inside each and every one of us is an old wise being. It’s what Jung called the “The Ten Thousand Year Old Man.”’ ‘Yeah? That’s old.’ ‘Yeah, and I can show you a way of tapping into it. Hold on, I just need to get something from the bedroom.’ ‘Cool.’

souls that had done it in a different life and so needed to do it

Dan took a slurp of coffee. ‘So Nimrod, have you been writing on

again in this. Anyway, so it’s not been a great night or morning.’

banknotes all night?’

Dan reached over to the sink and picked up the tea towel and put it on the carpet then pressed it down with the ball of his foot. You’ll have a clean spot there. As the coffee absorbed into the

‘Not all-night; we, err christened the dress.’ ‘I see.’ 124

‘Yeah well, so do you really think Mart will be ok?’ ‘He didn’t run when he had the chance, there was nothing we

‘Ok, so you take hold of the pendent and just try to keep it steady above your knee.’

could have done.’

Dan tried, but the pendent spun. ‘Hey!’

Flame came back in with a necklace with a large crystal on the

‘Now,’ said Flame. ‘Open your knees and keep the crystal

end. ‘A crystal and a chain is good for this but you can use a

between them.’ The chain fell still. ‘Now think of a question that

metal pendant and fishing wire if you want, it’s not a biggie.’ She

has a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer - don’t say it out loud, internalise it.’

suspended the crystal above Dan’s right knee and it started to

Dan thought: do I like chocolate ice-cream? He figured he’d start

spin anti clockwise.

off easy, but nothing happened. Flame said, ‘Focus, concentrate

‘See,’ said Flame. ‘It’s moving.’ Then she moved it to his left. Very slowly the spinning stopped.

on the question.’ The crystal started to spin clockwise. ‘That’s a positive reaction. Now think of the next question.’ This time Dan thought of Vicki, would he see her again? The crystal spun clockwise again.

Dan said, ‘Is that meant to happen?’ Flame said, ‘Another positive, now try another.’ ‘Have patience,’ said Flame. What about the lottery, will I win the lottery? The pendant stopped Slowly the pendent started to spin in the opposite direction. ‘So far so good,’ Dan said. ‘Oh, yes,’ said Flame with a grin. ‘And you’ll love what happens

still and slowly started to spin anti-clockwise. ‘That third one is a very strong negative answer,’ said Flame. ‘Fuck me.’ Dan said, ‘Can anybody do this?’

next. Now, you think I’m causing the pendent to swing, but I’m

‘You’ve got to be reasonably sensitive, but yes it works for most

not, it’s the energy you are giving out, your magnetic field, that is

people.’ Then she smiled and moved closer to Dan’s ear and

causing the movement.’

whispered, ‘and it’s a great way to pull.’

‘Right.’

Nimrod said, ‘Yeah, very good Flame, but what about Mart? will he be ok?’ 125

The pendent began to rock, then it started to spin anti-clockwise. Flame said, ‘You are asking the wrong question. I bet, when you go back he’ll be in the flat waiting for you: ask that: will he be in the flat?’ The pendent swung side-to-side, then it went out into a clear clockwise circle. Flame said, ‘You see.’ And sure enough an hour later, when Dan put his key in the door, Martin was there waiting for him.

126

Media Detox

‘While we’re here, Jen has left hasn’t she?’ Mart was quiet. ‘I mean left you, left us. I mean there is none of her stuff in the flat anymore and I haven’t seen her for months and there’s half eaten

Dan had a mouth full of questions, but Mart stopped him dead by lifting up his arm and holding his palm out, ‘I’m going to shave my head and go on a media detox; a number two, no let’s go to a

packets of crisps in the sofa - I’m not complaining - but I just figured…’ ‘She’s just working away that’s all.’

one. It’s symbolic, it’s a rebirth: I’m cutting ties with my past and starting afresh.’ Mart got clippers from the bathroom then sat down cross-legged in the middle of the kitchen floor. He switched the clippers on, held them out to Dan, ‘Shave me.’ Dan looked to the ceiling, ‘Sure-fine-whatever.’ He took the clippers and they buzzed angrily, like disturbed bees in a glass jar. ‘Err I’ve never done this before.’ ‘Don’t worry with a number one you can’t go wrong.’

‘Right, did I tell you Vicki’s fucking some other bloke?’ ‘Sorry.’ ‘Yeah, me too. I feel bitter, used and betrayed. I guess in about two months I’ll progress and feel nothing but pity for her small life - which is going nowhere. Then I’ll realise that she was manipulative because of her difficult circumstances and deep insecurity. Then in a flash of uncharacteristic maturity I’ll forgive her and move on. But for the moment I’d just like to, well, oh I

The blades touched Martin’s hair at the nape of his neck and

don’t know.’

pulled in tight like magnets hitting a fridge door. A large square of hair came away and dropped to the floor, underneath his skin was

Now Mart’s hair was short on one side but long on the other -

a deathly white, like the skin of a corpse. Dan pushed slowly

distinctive.

upwards cutting a big stripe across the centre of Mart’s head. Now it looked like a Mohican, but the other way around. Dan said, ‘You’re not having second thoughts right?’

Mart was quite for a few minutes then he said, ‘The Jewish people have a phrase about the Nazi’s and the Holocaust, they say, “We forgive but we never forget”.’

‘I am committed to a life of permanent novelty.’ 127

‘What does that mean?’ Mart stroked his chin, ‘I suppose it means they don’t forgive or forget.’ Mart was now sitting in a halo of his own hair. Dan stepped back, ‘You know, not a bad job, of course you look like a thug.’

‘So,’ Dan said, ‘does this mean you won’t be able to proof my writing?’ Mart shook his head. ‘No. I am putting my foot down, I am drawing the line, I am saying NO. This is a new beginning. I’m losing myself so I can discover where I am.’

Mart felt the back of his hair with the palms of both hands. ‘Sweet, he said. ‘Now I’m going on a complete media detox: I’m reformatting my hard drive, I’m going to remove all the labels from all the products in the flat, I’m going to cut all the brand names and logos out of my clothes, I’m going to avoid adverts on television and I’m going to go without the twisted and biased news service. In fact I’m going to cut myself off from all media. If the third world war kicks off in the next forty days, I will be oblivious, it’s all propaganda anyway.’ ‘So you are going to do this for over a month?’ ‘Yes, I’m going to start brewing beer in the tub, and plant my own food in the garden and meditate on what to do next. After the detox I’ll have the answers I need.’ Dan thought about offering to be Mart’s media-detox buddy, but there was the charity shop to go to and on top of that he’d already missed his deadline for his commission about sharks, Anyway a skinhead was out of the question.

128

Riot Break

‘Are you ready?’ ‘What, to wear a silly hat?’ ‘To take on the system Dan, to hit them where it hurts, to bring them to their knees.’

On day seven Mart had begun to look like Robinson Crusoe

‘Yeah,’ said Dan. ‘Why not? I’m not doing anything else. But I’m

seven years in. Part of his shirt top was cut out and a patch on

not wearing the seagull hat.’

his jeans was missing. ‘No Logo,’ He explained. ‘I’m no longer willing to advertise exploitative brands.’ Mart’s detox had transformed the flat into a mess of dirty plates, worn clothes and opened books – the margins were filled with his scribbled notes.

They cycled to Parliament Square, in the shadow of Big Ben, next to the Houses of Parliament and a spit away from 10 Downing

Dan said, ‘God Mart, how can you live like this? I mean I have low

Street. There were about a thousand people hanging around.

standards, but I don’t know if I should vac the flat or put fresh

Crusties, infuriated Guardian readers (who felt something should

paper down - really, if you had a wheel on the side of the wall this

be done) and the occasional riot tourist. There were also genuine

would be like a huge hamster cage.’

party people: kids having their faces painted and alfresco juggling lessons.

On day ten Mart said, ‘I’m only breaking early for the riot, I mean the demo.’ Not even Mart with his media blinkers had missed the news that a major gig was kicking off in town. He rummaged in a side cupboard and got a whole load of hats out and then placed them on the coffee table. There was a small red Nike hat that Dan recognised as being Jen’s – she must have left it behind. Then there was a comedy baseball cap with white streaks down the

‘So tell me Mart, why the collection of silly hats?’ ‘It makes you more difficult to track by air or camera.’ A group of teens with bandanas pulled up over their mouths had climbed up the Winston Churchill statue and placed a slice of turf on his head, making him look like a middle aged Mohican.

front and ‘Damn Seagulls’ written on the side, there was also an

‘Wait a minute,’ said Dan. ‘Isn’t Churchill a hero? Wouldn’t we be

outsized comedy sombrero.

speaking German if not for him? Wouldn’t all the Jews be dead if not for him?’ 129

People gathered around the statue and laughed. ‘This man you call a hero,’ said Mart, ‘was a warmonger, who prolonged the Second World War in order to promote the interests of the ruling classes. And we have a statue honouring him outside the Houses of Parliament!’ He stuck his index finger out then tapped the centre of Dan’s forehead. ‘Just think for a minute Dan, what does that tell you about the people working in that building today?’ He pointed at Westminster.

human valve. A skinny white bloke with dreads was walking past the riot lines shouting, ‘Pigs, you fucking pigs, come on, come on if you fancy a go. Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough,’ while flicking Vs. On his back he had a felt-tipped peace sign. The police stood frozen. It started to get so loud Dan had to shout for Mart to hear. ‘I wonder how far he can go without the police cracking his skull

The police were hanging out and holding back, just observing.

open?’ One of the police officers seemed to be developing a bit

They seemed keen to keep the atmosphere feel-good and not to

of a twitch. But at that moment a fellow crusty (with a more

spark off twelve shades of anarchy, but at the same time they

developed sense of survival) came up and dragged him away.

were ready for it: dressed in full riot gear: helmets transparent

‘Mate, dant, e’s not worf it.’

shields and truncheons. They had utility belts like Batman, full of pepper spray and plastic cuffs.

The atmosphere started to change; the liberal protesters, feelgood face painters and tree huggers thinned out and disappeared

Mart and Dan walked through Whitehall to Trafalgar Square.

leaving a hardcore of fire starters to push each other on.

‘Look up there,’ said Mart pointing to the tip of Nelson’s column.

The lines of police were holding but they were clearly waiting for

‘Another war monger.’

the order for gas, riot shields and to administer a damn good

There were trade unionists talking tough but nobody seemed that

crusty ass-kicking.

interested. Mart reached into his bag and passed Jen’s Nike hat,

Something was happening at the McDonald’s on Whitehall the

while he went for the sombrero – which some how suited his

crowd pushed the police line back. Then there were the sounds of

castaway look.

fireworks and breaking glass. In the distance Dan could make out

The police started to block off all the exits with lines of uniforms and riot shields. They were letting people out, but not in – like a

bottles being thrown above the crowd. Mart said, ‘What do you think?’ 130

‘I think a bunch of crusties are about to get a face full of tear gas,

the face of violent Britain, then somebody who holds a quiet

for fucking off the pigs.’

grudge against you will be calling a freephone number.’

‘No, what do you think about going in?’

‘So?’ said Mart.

‘Are you off your head?’

‘Well, you tell me just how that’s going to make our world into a

‘I just think something should be done.’ ‘Done about what? We are just riot tourists here Mart, the police aren’t interested in us.’ ‘I want to be part of it.’

more user friendly place?’ Mart was quiet. Inside he was a clockwork toy that was being over-wound. Dan didn’t know if the coil was going to snap or explode or he would just zoom away. The sound of breaking glass came from the crowd and they could both see the McDonald’s window had been smashed. Dan’s guess was that anything that

‘Part of what?’ ‘The front line.’ ‘Jesus Mart.’ But Dan knew he’d made his decision. ‘Well don’t

could be taken up and broken was – which in McDs was very little. Mart said ‘I’ll see you.’

wear the sombrero or you’ll look a complete tit.’ Mart took it off and Dan looked him up and down, he was a few biro tattoos away from looking like quite a hard bastard. ‘Mart, you are a great mate, but I’m not going in there with you – no way. And if you go in there you’ll be coming back in a body bag, or at least with a face full of tear gas and / or a near miss plastic bullet experience. I mean it’s just not worth it. You said about not playing their game: well this is their game. On the news tonight it will be all about how a handful of extremists held the city hostage. They’ll take your snap and you’ll end up on the front of some tabloid as

131

Televising the

‘I mean,’ Dan said, ‘I didn’t know the right thing to do. He’s a grown up and he makes his own decisions? Right?’ Flame nodded, ‘This is his karma, he has lessons he has to learn

Revolution

in this life and he’s discovering them, we should be proud of him.’ ‘Yeah,’ said Nimrod, ‘but is he going to be discovering them in a police cell with some officer shoving a truncheon up his arse?’ ‘Nimrod!’

Dan passed through the police barrier and tubed it straight to Nimrod’s flat. The kitchen surfaces were full of crisp new money with anti-capitalist and anti-consumer messages written all over it. Dan updated them with the events of the last week, the media detox and the riot. ‘And that was it,’ he said. ‘Mart just ran off into the crowd.’

On TV a reporter was shouting breathlessly into a mic while behind him crusties and anarchists threw stuff in the air. ‘Just in,’ he was holding his earpiece, ‘a report that police have made thirty arrests. Once again, what started as a picnic in the park has become anarchy in the UK. Now back to the studio.’ An ashen anchor said, ‘Scenes today just a hundred meters from Downing

Nimrod said, ‘Turn the TV on.’

Street, here in the studio we have…’

The riot was live on three channels. There was fire coming from

Nimrod hopped channels for more live coverage. Suddenly he

the buildings. Somehow - ironically - seeing the images on TV

was pointing. ‘There, there, there.’ And sure enough, Mart was in

made it more real.

the crowd. A bottle in one hand and his sombrero in the other,

Flame said, ‘We should all send him healing energy.’

then a wave passed through the crowd as though it had been shoved forward by an invisible hand. A voice said, ‘These

Nimrod said, ‘Wait a minute, he might not need healing energy, he

extraordinary scenes are coming live from the heart of London

might be fine.’

where police must surely be asking themselves whose side the State is on.’

‘Healing energy can never be to much or cause harm,’ said Flame matter-of-factly. 132

Nimrod whooped, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Check it out, our mate is on riot TV, I think this calls for a can or two and perhaps a vodka chaser?â&#x20AC;&#x2122; Dan gave the thumbs up, and at the time alcohol seemed both sensible and celebratory. But if - for a second - Dan had known what was going to happen later that evening he would have gone back to the flat straight and sober.

133

Rivers of Blood

made friends with the vodka Dan began to think this might be something much more positive: could this be a farewell fuck? A no-strings-zip-less and thanks for the good times, meaningless workout. The type that would bookend the relationship, give closure. The sort of wild sex you know you can die happy after

Dan vodka-lager fumbled for his keys, he closed one eye to focus

experiencing. Well why not? We were - after all - both adults.

on the keyhole and lost his balance. He fell forward, expected the

Dan finished the second can and returned to his bedroom,

door to stop him and was sitting in a heap on the corridor. The

opened the door and slipped in. Sitting on the bed he reached

door was open. He checked the hi-fi and telly were where they

over to Vicki’s shoulder and stroked it, ‘Vicki darling,’ he

normally were. Were they worth nicking anyway? You’d have to

whispered. When there was no response he squeezed her

be desperate… something was pressing against the side of his

shoulder lightly. Still nothing. Dan moved down the bed and

shoe, Dan lifted his foot and reached down, it was a blue plastic

stroked her arm. His fingers were wet. When he touched them

video membership card bent into an s shape. He picked it up and

together the wetness became sticky. His eyes were adjusting to

straightened it out, it was scratched down centre where it had

the light now and he could see that his duvet looked darker and

been pushed through the Yale, but Vicki’s signature was still clear.

more shiny than it should. He reached forward and clicked on the

The front room was dark, Mart’s door was locked as usual and she wasn’t in the bathroom. Dan guess was she was in the bedroom rather, in his bedroom. He walked up through the

bedside light. The duvet was dark and sticky with blood, where he’d touched Vicki’s arms blood flowed from freshly opened slashes, they were like the gills of a fish; only breathing blood.

kitchen then peered in. His blind was still open and in the

This was not good. Dan pulled out his mobile, called a taxi and

moonlight he could make out the white flesh of the back of her

pressed it to his ear. While it rang he said, ‘Jesus-fuck Vicki, did

neck and ear. Dan closed the door slowly, the hinge creaked and

you know there was a riot on today? Have you any idea what that

Vicki stirred.

will do to ambulances (no point in even bothering to call them)

Dan took two cans of beer from the fridge and went to the front room to roll a fag (badly). Who did she think she was, fucking Goldilocks? But as the new beer met the old and beer and then

and also A & E waiting time? And if the taxi company gets a sniff that there’s blood involved they won’t touch you.’ They picked up, ‘Oh, hello, yes I’d like a taxi to King’s... No, errr, nobody’s hurt… 134

oh yes that’s right I work at the hospital, bloody red-eye shift…

little traffic, making it just a ten-minute ride. It was only then,

that’s perfect thanks.’

while Dan was holding Vicki’s feet (one shoe on one shoe off) in

Dan wrapped Vicki’s arms in towels then stuck them in place with duct tape. He scooped her up and her head lolled back and Dan could see the skin on her face was grey and her hair hung lank, greasy and lifeless. Spasms of pain shot down his back, but he didn’t let go.

his lap, that it occurred to him that she might be dead. Vicki felt cold and he couldn’t see if she was breathing or not. Back in the bedroom he thought she must be alive because of the fresh blood, but now, he reasoned, if you were to cut the skin of a corpse it would still bleed. Skin - after all - was just a surface layer keeping the all the wet stuff in. Dan reached over to Vicki’s

The taxi driver - waiting outside - was not impressed, ‘What the

neck and pressed his fingers, looking for a pulse, there was

fuck have you done to her?’

nothing, just her cold sticky skin. The taxi came to traffic lights and jammed on its breaks, the sudden movement caused Dan to

‘Nothing, could you open the door? I’ve got my hands full.’

tighten his grip around Vicki’s neck.

To Dan’s surprise the driver got out and held the door open. Dan

Her eyes popped open, ‘What the fuck do you think you are

slid Vicki onto the back seat, her body folded sideways and he

doing?’

slid her over to the far side of the car. Dan then reached into his wallet and pulled out all the notes he had. ‘We want to go to

‘Well Vicki, I think that’s my line, but since you ask, I’m taking you

casualty right away.’

to hospital.’

‘Is she dead, OD?’ The question was for Dan, but he was looking

‘I don’t want to go to fucking hospital.’

at the money. ‘I guess she’s not dead or you wouldn’t call a taxi right? You’ll have to come with her.’ ‘Cool,’ said Dan. ‘What’s the nearest A & E? St Thomas’, isn’t it? Let’s go.’

‘Then you shouldn’t have cut yourself should you?’ The cab was bathed in the red traffic light like a submarine that was going down. Vicki’s eyes were bloodshot and dilated, ‘I’m going to…’ To Vicki’s credit she kept her jaws closed tight but the

The taxi driver reached for the cash. Dan slipped down, lifted

force of the sick coming up from her stomach was so strong she

Vicki’s feet up and sat in the back. It was so late now there was

stood no chance. It squirted out between her clenched teeth like 135

water through a punctured hosepipe. Then her jaws unlocked and

Two hours later Vicki was escorted to a bed, ‘about time too.’ Her

it was like some puke dam exploding in the back of the cab.

arms were examined by a handsome young doctor who looked

There was undigested sweet corn and broccoli bits which had

like he’d just walked off a hospital soap opera.

probably come from a week-old quiche that neither Dan nor Mart

‘Oh, hi.’ She said as he took some scissors with rounded edges

would eat, some splashed on the bottoms of Dan’s jeans. Dan

and cut through Dan’s only towels.

wondered just how such a small person could contain so much sick. Then the smell followed a wave of acid and decaying food. The taxi driver gagged. ‘Urerg, out, out now. Urrrk, I knew I shouldn’t have picked you up. That’s what you get for feeling

The doc said, ‘Let’s have a look here, can you tell me what happened?’ ‘I just came home and she was in my bed.’

sorry for somebody - trying to help, for being nice, go on out

‘I think he’s talking to me Dan.’ Vicki turned her attention to the

now!’

doctor. ‘I’ve been very unhappy, I got drunk, I broke into my ex-

Dan pulled Vicki out by the feet. He could see they were close to the hospital and with Vicki conscious it was much easier to move. At reception she was almost back to her regular self. ‘Wa-du-

boyfriend’s house, I got more drunk, and then I slashed my wrists.’ The doctor smiled sympathetically, ‘And what did you use?’

meeeean I’ll haav to wait?’ she screamed. ‘I’ve got a winning smile.’ She beamed, but half digested broccoli was wedged between two of her front teeth. The receptionist huffed, ‘You’ll just have to wait like everybody else.’ ‘But look at my arms, I could be dying.’ Dan said, ‘I don’t think you are dieing Vicki.’ ‘Shut up fuckwit nobody asked you.’

‘A razor of course.’ ‘But what sort of razor?’ ‘One of his,’ she said pointing at Dan. ‘Ok, we’ll be right back.’ The dishy doc took Dan outside, he put a professionally reassuring arm around Dan’s shoulder and said, ‘Vicki has cut her arms using a safety razor.’ 136

‘What?’ ‘It happens more often than you’d think. Anyway, none of the cuts are very deep and no arteries have been damaged – in fact she’ll be healed up in a couple of weeks and there won’t be much scaring. But right now it looks messy and it’s certainly a cry for help.’ Dan nodded, ‘Yes, right.’ ‘I’m going to keep her in overnight and have her evaluated tomorrow. The best thing for you to do is go home and rest.’ ‘Right. Oh I don’t think she has any money and I’ve given my last to the cab driver.’ ‘Don’t worry we’ll sort her out.’ When Dan returned to Vicki she’d passed out. She had a thin trail of saliva oozing out of her mouth and there were splashes of sick on her cheek. He saw a small section of her forehead that was clean and he planted a kiss on it.

Dan returned to the flat half expecting Mart to be back in his room, he’d rehearsed the story starting with, You’ll never guess what… but Mart’s door was locked and the flat was empty. Mart didn’t return that night, or that week.

137

After the Riot

and wooooosh, you know, I’m being carried away on this insane spontaneous tide. It’s like being in the mosh pit in the best rock concert in the world on the best drugs, like the world is opening up and swallowing me. I was at one with the world. Dan are you listening? The police, I mean the pigs, moved in of course. I mean

Dan saw no reason to tidy up after Mart’s media detox and so the washing piled up, the dirty clothes formed bumps and then hills and slowly all the edges in the flat began to lose their definition. ‘Dust stops getting thicker after three months,’ he said to nobody. Mart wasn’t there to talk to, he was avoiding Sally and Flame and Nimrod, well they had become their own self-contained unit. Dan started to spend his days reading some of Mart’s books and to watch some of his documentaries, which were much better than

they are the protectors of The State, so they are not going to stand by and let a load of free thinking radicals trash it are they?’ ‘And then?’ ‘I just walked past them you know. I think it was the hat. They’ve never seen a revolutionary in a sombrero before and they are just trying to figure out the incongruity and whooosh, I’m past, I’m home, I’m dry.’

he’d first thought they might be.

‘So where have you been in the last month?’

It was on day twenty that Martin returned. He came into the flat

‘I met this film crew (not like main-stream media lying scum - no

still wearing the riot sombrero, but the pasty-faced malcontent

offence Dan) these people are filming things as they are really

had once been underneath it had vanished. His skin was tanned,

happening. No editing, just a continuous truth – like Warhol, but

his teeth seemed whiter and he radiated an overall healthy glow -

really saying something. Anyway, they know a squat where there’s

he looked more like he’s spent time in some exotic health club

this post riot party and they invite me along.’

rather than a police cell. When he took the sombrero off Dan could see the number one haircut had begun to grow out, taking

Dan told Mart about Vicki and her wrists, deliberately missing out

the hard edge off.

the part about her using his safety razor. He ended saying, ‘When I came back my bed looked like it had been used in the Godfather

‘Aren’t you going to ask me what happened? I was in the crowd,

- you know with the horse’s head.’ This was a line he’d been

right, it was like being on a surfboard and your wave comes in. I

planning to say for some time.

just had to stand there, to be in the right place and the right time, 138

Mart looked shocked for a second then grabbed back his

that. Commitment: they’ve chosen which side of the fence they

composure. ‘Poor cow, she’s a good kid, but you know, fucked

are on.’

up; too busy chasing the baubles she’s been brainwashed to believe will make her happy. Then when they fail to deliver, well… ‘ He made a wrist slashing action. Dan said, ‘Have you seen Flame and Nimrod?’

Dan said, ‘Yeah, no question. Perhaps the time has come to be more proactive, to take the road less travelled.’ ‘See Dan, now you are getting it.’

‘Yeah, mad isn’t it?’ ‘What? What’s mad?’ ‘The green gig.’ ‘?’ ‘They didn’t say? I caught up with them last night, stopped over, wild. It turns out that Flame’s got this friend who’s been a deep greenie for an age and they were all set to go on a demo and she has to bale – appendicitis I think - anyway so there is this space and Nimrod and Flame are filling it.’ ‘What space, what are they filling?’ ‘You don’t know? Hey keep up, stay in the loop. They are going on this logging protest, you know they are in a little boat that’s going up by a big boat and driving in front of it. Doing some graffiti or climbing or something I don’t know. But I mean it’s full on. Respect. You’ve got to say it takes guts to do something like

139

Proactivate

room was full of scraping chairs. ‘My name is The Coach, and I’ll be looking out for today.’ Dan leaned back in his chair, he had signed up to raise money for charity, or more specifically get members of the great general public to sign direct debits committing them to a monthly

Dan sat in a plastic moulded chair and looked up at the windows.

dripping (or ideally gushing) of funds into various charity’s

They had small metal eyes in the top, they were the sort of

accounts. It was not going on a riot, or stopping illegal logging,

windows you needed a pole with a hook on the end to open. At

but it was doing something constructive, being proactive and on

the front of the room was a small platform with a flip chart on it.

top of that you actually got paid for it.

Around him were a bunch of twenty-somthings – all bright eyed and bushy tailed. These people, Dan thought, Mart would call them my cohort: they were too good looking, suspiciously good looking, like they were the winners in a eugenics program.

The Coach continued, ‘Look at you, your breathing is shallow, you are half asleep. And you are thinking, boring boring boring. Yes you.’ He was pointing directly at Dan who felt himself blush. ‘Now, get up and move the chairs to the back of the room and

Dan’s stomach rumbled, he’d got up late and skipped breakfast,

form a circle,’ they did. ‘Now turn to your right and start to

he also hadn’t showered. He felt like a Bash Street kid who’d

massage the back of the person in front of you.’ Dan groaned: the

crashed some posh do.

room was chocker with lush women and he had to rub the back

A man, maybe mid thirties, entered and sprung on the small platform at the front of the class. He was dressed in shorts and a

of some muscular über-bloke from the Master Plan. Dan put his hands on the sides of the muscley back and juddered.

rugby top with a referee’s whistle around his neck. He had a thick

The Coach blew his whistle again. ‘Now you are properly awake

Freddy Mercury style moustache. Seeing him in the room in front

somebody give me a belief, right here right now. Come on, say

of the flip chart was bizarre.

the first thing that comes into you head.’

He blew his whistle; ‘Are you sitting comfortably?’ there was

- ‘It’s going to rain later.’

nodding. ‘Well stand up then, comfort breeds complacency.’ The

- ‘I should have worn red.’ 140

- ‘Coffee is bad for you.’ - ‘What’s the whistle for?’ Then he pointed squarely at Dan. The room darkened, all Dan could see was the finger and the moustache, as panic swelled up in him his subconscious took control and he bust out with, ‘You are so gay.’ And he felt himself blush instantly. ‘Good let’s go with that, gay, “I’m so gay” it’s a belief is it not? A belief not based on anything factual. But if you believe that you’ll be watching me, looking for information to back up that belief.

Before the twenty-minute lunch break the class was told to eat lightly and not to discuss what had been said. Dan bolted for the door. The refectory served full breakfasts and he got one, covered it in ketchup and grabbed a seat. ‘Is this your first time?’ It was the bloke from the class, the back rub bloke, the tall blond Aryan. He was offering his hand while flashing a smile so confident it looked as though it had been lifted from a toothpaste commercial. ‘Hi I’m Joe.’

Let’s say I tell you I’m going to go clubbing or watch The Wizard

Dan swallowed some half chewed bacon, ‘Hi Joe.’ They shook

of Oz or I’m about to go out shopping to buy a tight semi-

hands, his grip was warm and firm like Dan imagined a car

transparent shirt (this made the girls laugh) you might think, ah-ha

salesman’s to be.

I thought so, he’ll be knocking back poppers in the local gay bar’ (more laughter from the girls). ‘Imagine your belief is like a tabletop. The idea is the top of the table (I’m gay) but that tabletop can’t last for long without legs to hold it up. Now your

‘This is a refresher for me,’ he said. ‘My numbers were down so they made, sorry asked, no, invited me to come back. There you go, third time’s the charm.’

thoughts are the legs, and the more legs you can build the

Dan couldn’t help but smile, but he didn’t take his eyes off the

stronger the idea will become.

food. The sausages were a little burnt at the sides but were

‘Are you with me?’ The beautiful people nodded. ‘So now let’s take a new idea, and that idea is that we can all sell, we can all get 50 sign-ups a day, that is our table top, now give me some legs to support that notion.’ Hands shot up.

delicious, the bacon had been left on the hot plate for a little too long and was flat and dried out. Talking with Joe was going to reduce valuable eating minutes. But at the same time he sensed he’d found an ally. ‘Is that guy a nut or what?’

141

‘The coach? No the man’s a genius, and he’s not gay – by the

The Coach was off again. Dan couldn’t hear because of his heart

way. Every class I’ve been in he’s pulled. He has this Zwingali

beating so hard in his ears, but it was something about selling

power thing.’

snow to Eskimos. The Coach pointed to the best looking girl in

‘Right.’ Dan wanted to say that he hadn’t signed up to be put though some crappy fundraising boot camp by a bloke in a comedy moustache, but his mouth was too full. ‘We should head back now.’ Dan still had some bacon left, he swallowed. ‘I’ll catch you up.’ ‘You’ll be late.

the class. ‘What are we selling?’ She answered, ‘Benefits?’ ‘Yes we are selling benefits, very good Amanda,’ he gave her a wink. ‘We are not, I repeat not getting these people to give us money for nothing, we are not collecting donations. No we are giving them the opportunity to become better people, the people they want to be, to give them impact in the world.’

Dan stuffed his face and shrugged his shoulders. After the gig Dan went for a pint with Joe. As Dan entered The Coach blew his whistle and pointed. ‘You, delegate, come on stage and give me twenty press-ups.’ The Coach’s gaze was magnetic, Dan’s legs seemed to overrule his brain, they were now getting their orders from another place. A blink and Dan was on stage, another and he was down doing press-ups. He managed sixteen before collapsing in a heap. ‘No, like this,’ barked the coach falling forwards onto his hands and pumping a quick five before putting his left hand behind his back and blasting off another ten.

‘So how does it work?’ ‘What stopping people in the street? Yeah it’s the toughest. The deal is this: if you are a drop-dead gorgeous babe - you’ve seen them right?’ Dan nodded, ‘Oh yeah.’ And Joe went on, ‘…well if they are asking blokes if they have a minute to spare, you get about a hit rate of one in ten, of that ten at least one can be converted into a direct debit. If - on the other

Dan sulked back to his seat, a burp of half digested bacon rose

hand - you are a bloke it’s harder job but, you know, it is

up from his stomach.

possible.’ 142

‘What are the figures?’ said Dan. ‘You don’t really want to know, The Coach will say (and you know he’s right) “You make your own figures”.’

Back at home there was a hand delivered orange envelope with ‘Dan Strong’ written neatly on the front. He flicked it open with his finger, it contained a single piece of matching orange writing paper with a sachet of salt taped to it, underneath was a single “?”’

143

Hitting the Streets

He walked over to Joe, opened his arms, raised his palms and rolled his eyes to the sky. Joe said, ‘I know, Dan, listen: it’s a numbers game, let’s say you get one hit every hundred people, and that’s some sure fire direct debit, signed on the dotted line with bank details. Well that’s

Dan sat in the minibus next to Joe, he was dressed in a

good, all you have to do is hit five hundred people and you’ll get

nondescript sharp plain blue shirt, no tie, and black chinos. He

your five results.’

said, ‘You should dress like a blank page, nothing that people are going to react to either positively or negatively, just plain just smart – oh not a suit either or people think you are a Mormon.’

Dan had a flashback to working at the mag looking for case studies. ‘You know Joe, I hear what you are saying, but I feel as though I’m becoming invisible. Really everybody who walks past

Dan was about to thank him for the tip when the minibus stopped

it’s like a piece of me disappears and I get a little bit smaller, I

and The Coach bellowed, ‘And remember people, we are here

don’t know, it’s like I’m dissolving, like I’m being washed away.’

today to make this world into a better place. Go out there and make me proud.’ As Amanda left he said, ‘Catch you later hot thing.’ And gave her a 70s pat on the bum. Dan got a prime post with Joe outside a supermarket. They worked ten metres apart; he was catching southbound pedestrians, while Dan got the northbound traffic. The first ten people walked right by. One in the second ten stopped to say he already gave to a different charity, but to keep up the good work. After seventy Dan figured it was better to stop counting. Two hours in Dan had a feeling of quiet desperation

Joe looked right and left like a bad shoplifter, ‘Ok, I’ll give you a red hot tip here: we are not saving bunnies, helping the aged or stopping children starve today, what we are doing Dan is what we do every day, we are selling ourselves. Do you get it?’ ‘Not really no.’ ‘It’s the sex man; it’s the patter. You are here, you are saving the world and chicks dig that. Play your cards right and… well, you know.’ ‘Joe, did you just say “Chicks”?’

hatching in the pit of his stomach. ‘Yes chicks, and you are the fox in the hen house.’ 144

‘Now you’re talking, now you’re with it. Now go out there and get

Amanda being willingly sleazed on, he didn’t want everybody to

me a DD.’

sympathise with his poor result and he definitely didn’t want to be

The words of The Coach were coming out of Joe’s mouth. He’d been infected with the enthusiasm, the ra-ra-raness of the team.

talked into doing another day on the pavement. He handed the pad of empty direct debit forms to Joe and said, ‘Tell The Coach that I’d rather walk over hot coals and have a record number of

Dan returned to his spot and tried to pull something up from deep

pins stuck in my eyes than do another day of this, it’s been – what

inside himself. In the next half-hour he got a sign-up from a

can I say – an experience.’

mother with a pram. She said she already gave to five different charities regularly so could only afford a fiver a month. Dan said how generous that was and how grateful he was. She said, ‘I

On the way home Dan walked past the charity shop where Sally would just be finishing for the day. He didn’t look in.

thought you looked a little down love.’ It was a result, but the one positive did little to compensate Dan for the overwhelming tide of rejection. Just as he was about to chuck the whole gig in Dan saw - from the corner of his eye Vicki. She had a small strip of bandage jutting out just below the arms of her long sleeved T-shirt. She was holding hands with some bloke. Dan did a double take, this wasn’t just any bloke it was the doctor from the hospital. Dan half whistled and half sighed, ‘Boy, say what you like about Vicki, she weaves her magic spell.’ Then he put on his best plastic toothpasty smile and moved to the next punter, ‘Hi, have you got a moment to spare?’ They walked past.

At the end of the day there was a cool-down debrief with The Coach, Dan didn’t want to be part of it; he didn’t want to see 145

Return of the Fox

Fox opened his front paws and showed Dan cuts running up and down, each was a deep semicircle of blood which was dripping out into his fur. ‘Dan, we have a problem.’ Dan’s heart jumped and he stopped flying. His head was filled with blood then with weight, heavy things: a comedy ten-ton

Dan was flying. Bright blue skies. He bodysurfed the zephyrs.

block on a chain, a yellow bulldozer, an elephant in a pink tutu.

Above him was a bright sun that warmed his skin, below him was

He was now plummeting, and as he fell the houses and trees that

a blanket of cloud, it stretched out like the largest and softest

had looked like toys became more real and detailed. The Fox held

cotton wool pad in the world. He dipped his head down and his

out one paw, as if to say stop, but there was no stopping now. He

body followed into a soft dive, he skimmed the cloudbank and

braced for impact by tensing in his body. He hit the ground and

passed his hands into the wetness, it was cool and inviting. He

there was a ripping noise and again he was floating in the sky,

dipped again and entered the cloud, greyness surrounded him

below him were the clouds, he spun up on his back and he could

and the wet was everywhere: it was like having a shower in zero

see a small speck where he’d ripped though. ‘Wow.’

gravity. He dived down again and found himself floating in a patch of beautiful blue sky, below him now were green and brown squares of land, a few seconds later he could make out the orange rooftops, roads and a railway line. Dan said, ‘It’s just like a

The Fox was back but now he was wearing a pilot’s cap, ‘Wow indeed Dan. Listen, there are things I need to tell you.’ ‘Yes, go on.’

model train set I had when I was a kid.’ ‘You must focus on light things, think of a feather, visualise a The Fox popped out of nowhere. He was sitting down on nothing,

feather in your mind.’

his legs and arms (or rather paws) were crossed and he was wearing a turban with a large ruby in the centre. ‘How’s the flight

Dan did, and he noticed right away that when he did he was

going Dan?’

floating like a feather. ‘That’s amazing.’ But then, from his subconscious he remembered, a joke from the school

‘First class!’

playground, what weights more a ton of feathers or a ton of lead? And again his head was suddenly full of lead, he was falling down 146

through the clouds and towards the ground then rip, and into the sky again. He wiped the sweat and cloud water from his face. ‘Fuck.’ The Fox was back. ‘Feathers Dan think of feathers, or a balloon.’ Dan pictured himself holding bunch of a hundred silver helium balloons and suddenly he felt buoyant. ‘God, did you see that? I thought I’d wake up…’ The Fox held out a paw to stop him talking. ‘No, don’t think of that, we need to… Dan’s eyes opened and he was looking out of the window in his room, at the stars. His bed was damp with perspiration and his body felt as though it had been professionally tenderised.

147

Stay

At the charity shop Joyce was at the till humming Jerusalem, she saw Dan and nodded towards the stockroom to indicate Sally was in residence. Dan lifted his eyebrows and nodded, trying to be casual but feeling self-conscious. He knocked and put his head around the corner, ‘Hi Sally.’

Mart locked himself in his bedroom. When Dan knocked he shouted, ‘Work to do Dan, call back later.’ Dan phoned Nimrod but it just rang out. After a few coffees he went to the internet café to check his email - nothing - so he sent out a few story ideas to editors. Then he surfed eBay, typing in

‘Dan! Now there’s a face I didn’t think I’d see for a long time.’ Dan shrugged his shoulders, ‘I was just passing.’ ‘Yeah, I was just working,’ she glanced at her watch. ‘But only for another half hour.’

semi-random words in the search engine. ‘Fox’ pulled back

The mountain of black bin bags reached halfway to the ceiling,

stuffed toys, plates and a few sexy pictures. ‘Handcuffs’ brought

which Dan now knew was about average. ‘Any interesting stuff?’

back everything from flimsy orange fur lined sex toys to hard-core Belgian - you’re never going to get out of these fuckers - police

‘Some good books for the travel section, designer jeans, baby

cuffs. A cuff and underwear set caught Dan’s eye so he double

clothes, the usual stuff.’

clicked on it. The page read, ‘…this handcuff and underwear set have been used by my little sister and have been washed “to eBay standards” feel free to ask any questions.’

‘Right.’ Dan wanted to tell Sally about Mart, that he had returned, was safe and also about the fund raising debacle and of course about Vicki slashing her wrists, then seeing her with the dishy

Dan sighed and clicked the back button. It wasn’t the seller that

soap doc - now that was an anecdote with mileage. He said,

was upsetting: hey, they were tripling their money with no effort, it

‘You’ll never guess what happened with Vicki…’

was that this underwear had more than twenty bids on it, and you had to assume that they were all little girl crotch sniffers with a leaning to bondage. Sally might be able to rip up all the magazines in all the newsagents but the internet was beyond her

Sally walked across the room up close to Dan. She lifted out the fingers on her right hand then reached forwards and ran them across the back of Dan’s left hand. ‘Dan, you just fell in love with

reach. 148

the wrong person that’s all, people do that all the time, don’t feel

‘Sure. Oh and Flame, before she went off to save the earth’s

bad.’

depleting rain forests showed me this amazing trick with a crystal

‘Yes but, no but…’ Sally moved her fingers around his hand, when they reached his palm she gave a slight squeeze. ‘Can you help me?’ Dan opened his mouth but no words came out. Sally released his hand, stood back and smiled. She was looking great. Still the same day-glow orange techno camouflage colour

and a chain. Do you have crystal here, I could show you?’ ‘I don’t think so.’ ‘Well, she said it doesn’t have to be crystal, it can be, I don’t know a pendant, something on a chain.’ ‘We’ve got a box full of those.’ She went over to a box and pulled out a chain with dog tags on, ‘Will these do?’

but her hair was longer - it fell over one of her eyes - and she was

Dan got a seat for Sally then held them above her knee, just as

wearing make-up.

Flame had done with him. After ten seconds (which seemed

Dan said, ‘I’ll start with this bag.’ He ripped it open and there were an assortment of winter clothes. It was somehow easer for Dan to talk with Sally if he didn’t look at her. He told her about Mart’s riot experience then about Nimrod and Flame about to

much longer) they started to turn, clockwise over the right and anti over the left. He gave the pendent to Sally and explained about asking them a question. ‘You have to really focus on the question and then hold the pendant as still as you can.’

make the world into a better place by stopping logging. But he

At first the pendant was still, then it started to rock to and fro then

stopped short of talking about Vicki, Vicki with an ‘I’ he thought.

in a wide circular arc.

Wow, that seemed a long time ago. ‘Could you separate the books into fiction, non fiction and travel then stack them either here, here or here.’ Sally pointed around the stockroom to indicate the best places.

‘Are you spinning it?’ ‘No, I’m trying to keep it still.’ ‘Good reaction, what was your question?’ Sally swung the pendant around her finger, it spun faster and faster until she caught the tags in the palm of her hand. 149

‘Dan, you can sleep with me tonight, but just sleep, no sex or anything, just holding.’ Dan momentarily lost the power to speak, then he recovered and said, ‘Ok. Well I guess the dog tags have spoken. Is that what…’ Sally put a finger against her lips, ‘Shussssh.’ She moved closer and whispered, ‘Are you ready to be kissed?’ She reached over and pressed her just opened lips against his, and then softly she moved the tip of her tongue over a thin section of his top lip. Dan thought it was the most erotic and lovely kiss anybody had ever given anybody else in the world ever, ever, ever, ever.

150

The Comfort of Fish

Dan felt the urge to say, I know my rights, but he managed to hold himself back. He settling for, ‘But I’m sure I’m entitled to…’ ‘You’ve been watching too much NYPD Blue mate.’

Fingers

‘What?’ ‘You might be thinking about the States.’ ‘Oh, right maybe. Can I contact a solicitor then?’

There was a clanging noise. Dan’s eyes flicked open. A voice said, ‘There you go Mr Strong.’ And half a paper plate of food appeared in the door. Dan got to his feet quickly and took it, ‘Sorry I was miles away.’ The voice said, ‘Right.’ In a tone that suggested Dan was not going to be miles away for quite some time. Plastic cutlery and a weak milky coffee followed the plate.

But the voice had moved onto the next cell. Dan looked at the plate in his hands. The food was the sort he hadn’t eaten since he was a kid, peas (from frozen) beans (from a can) a splodge of mash (made from dehydrated potato granules) and two grilled fish fingers. This was official comfort food - the best - if the meals were like this in prison things might not be so bad. But then, for a paranoid moment, Dan wondered if the food was too good, suspiciously good. Might it have been drugged with a truth serum? But that was just mad because he’d handed himself in

Dan said, ‘Thanks, and hey do you know what’s happening? I

and he was happy to talk, he was here to walk the talk, he’d done

seem to have been here for a long time.’

the crime and was about to do the time and what else? Having run out of clichés he decided to stick his fork in the mash. Then

‘I think they’re deciding what to do with you.’ Dan didn’t like the sound of that. ‘What? Don’t I get to make a phone call?’ ‘No.’

he suddenly realised they were trying to crush his spirit after all: no ketchup! If Dan had only turned away from the Unfinished Universe then after kissing Sally that time - they could have walked into the sunset together, it could have been one long dreamily loved up 151

finale. That would have been the Disney ending. But Dan knew deep down in the cell of his heart - that was never going to happen. From the moment The Unfinished Universe had been created he’d set out on a path that was going to end in a bad place - it was inevitable. He lanced a pea on his plastic fork and lifted it into his mouth. ‘In many ways this is a best-case scenario,’ he said, to nobody in particular. ‘Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass GO and do not collect £200.’

152

Part Four A Higher Gear

153

The Death of Mart

‘Mart you’re going to be fired if you don’t get back, just a

friendly warning from the people that care.’ -

And finally, ‘Are you ill?’

Mart said, ‘Call back and tell them I died.’ The days started to stretch longer and grow warmer. Dan picked

‘What?’

up a few commissions from random magazines - which saved him from having to work in coffee bars. He also stayed over with Sally more and more, most nights in fact. They had long erotic kisses, rubbed ice cream on each other and spooned up close into the early hours. Sally always kept her orange jeans buckled

‘Tell them I got knocked off my bike.’ ‘Wow, did you die instantly or did you go to hospital with brain damage?’

on tight, the area below her midriff remained a forbidden zone.

‘Instantly, let’s keep it simple.’

Just as Dan was spending more time away from the flat, Mart

When Dan made the call he couldn’t help but laugh, fortunately

was spending more time in. He was now at his computer day and

his giggles were mistaken for choking sobs. After hanging-up he

night. On the rare occasion Dan knocked reverently and went in

went to Mart, ‘They say they are sorry and you’ll be terribly

he saw hundreds of lines of flickering code on the screens.

missed by the whole chatroom team.’

Physically Mart had started to revert to his old self: a wasted look around his cheekbones with bloodshot eyes. ‘If I had a bit of Billy,’ he said. ‘Then I could work through the night.’ ‘Mart,’ Dan said. ‘The very last thing you need right now is amphetamine.’

They sent flowers the next day. Nimrod and Flame were often away. They communicated in sporadic emails, sending photos of boats they were climbing and giving accounts of angry loggers taking a piss over the side of the boat at them. He wrote, ‘It’s a sign we’ve got them on the run.’ He

Mart had never officially left work, he just stopped going in.

added that he’d back in a week, ‘I’ve written a stand-up, you

Phone messages came in for a week.

should come around and I’ll give it a try-out on you - bring all your

‘Mart where are you?’

friends.’ 154

That proved to be a painful invitation on many different levels. Mart’s cohort believed he was dead and Mart also seemed to be pretty much dead to Jen too. ‘I know some people from the riot, the documentary makers,’ Mart said. ‘They are very cool.’ They didn’t come. As for Dan, well his friends could be counted on one hand with three fingers missing. When Sally refused the invitation Dan said, ‘But you’ve got to go, you are my only friend.’ And she softened, ‘I’ll go, but if Mart starts to behave like a complete tosser I’ll make my excuses and leave.’ As things turned out - in the end - it was Sally who was the one who got the most out of the evening.

155

The Age of Meaning

When it was over everybody clapped, Martin got up on his feet and the rest followed. Nimrod blushed and gave a small bow. When the clapping died down he said, ‘Really? You liked it?’ Mart said, ‘Loved it.’

Nimrod’s act was amusing without being laugh-out-loud funny, the best bits were his descriptions of dodging ‘golden arks’ from

‘Wow, even that part where we’re in the airport and…’ ‘That was one of the best bits.’

the forward bough which he’d already said in an email. Nimrod blushed again and said, ‘I’ll get us a few bevs. And he Dan’s mind drifted, Nimrod had changed, not only was he was

was away to the kitchen.

more confident but his body had changed too. He was leaner, more muscular: he was less like a boy and more like a man. The

Flame looked into Mart’s eyes and she instantly saw his lie, a lie

thin tire of flesh that once hung around his bellybutton had gone.

that went beyond friendship and even beyond forced charity. The

Dan glanced at Sally, her eyes were fixed on him and she was

airport bit - the trolley with the wobbly wheel that seemed to have

smiling. Mart too was smiling, but his smile seemed a little more

a mind of its own - well, the best you could say about that was

forced. He’d left the flat mid morning, been away from his

that it required a little more polish or - if you wanted to be a little

precious computer for the whole afternoon and had come back

more truthful - you might say that it could only be really funny if

with the top part of his arm bandaged. He would occasionally go

you’d actually been there. Anyway, to say that it was one of the

to scratch then pull his hand back.

best bits of the stand-up was just an outrageous porkpie.

Flame - of course - was loving the show, her eyes were set to full

Dan turned to Mart and looked him in the eye, ‘Come on!’

twinkle and at one point she even wiped away a tear. Dan guessed that when your partner is willing to catch splashes of another man’s urine for you the relationship moves onto a deeper level.

Mart shrugged, ‘No, really.’ Dan huffed, ‘Yeah, like?’ Mart did some more shrugging then said, ‘Aren’t you going to ask me about the bandage?’ 156

Dan said, ‘Actually, yes. I was coming to that.’

Flame - no stranger to the I Ching - smiled, ‘Cool.’

Mart glanced around the room and saw that Nimrod had returned

Dan said, ‘Why is it so shiny?’

with beer and Sally was back, ‘Well,’ he said. ‘Want to see?’ He didn’t wait for an answer he just slowly reached to the tape and peeled it away. His skin stuck to the tape until he pulled harder, then Dan could see a thin band of glossy red skin that looked like

Mart said, ‘You’ve got to keep the air from getting to the skin until it heals, so they told me to put Preparation H on it.’ Dan said, ‘Oh? And - hey I know this is obvious - but did it hurt?’

medium rare stake, finally there was darkness.’ Mart returned the bandage and pushed the tape back down, ‘Wow,’ said Flame. ‘A tattoo.’ Mart said, ‘It’s a tribal band.’ His voice was like: this is not just any tattoo: this is not a dolphin on your bum cheek or a butterfly on your shoulder blade. This is a full-on-no-compromise-

‘Yeah, but you are wired, you know: your brain is flooded with endorphins, so I’m not going to say “I felt no pain” because somebody repeatedly sticking a needle into your skin is going to hurt, but you just have to hold still and move beyond the pain.’

wraparound statement. Dan was not sure quite what that

‘Right,’ said Dan and nodded. It did look very cool and inevitably

statement was saying, he was just hypnotised by the pattern. It

the conversation turned to who would have what tattoo and why.

was a collection of swirls and spikes, like liquid barbed wire

Flame was first up. Dan guessed she’d have fire up her arms or in

spinning down a plug. Right in the centre was a Chinese

a band around her neck, but he was wrong, she said, ‘I’d have an

character. The black here seemed so black that it sucked in the

angel on my right arm, so it would always be close to whisper into

light around it, but it was glossy too.

my ear.’

Flame said, ‘What does the Chinese character mean?’

Without missing a beat Nimrod said, ‘I’d have a devil put on my

Dan had a feeling she knew the answer before she asked the

left arm to bring me into balance with Flame.’

question.

There was a collective ahhhhh.

Mart said, ‘It’s the Chinese symbol for crisis, which is comprised

Dan broke the beautiful moment, ‘At one time I wanted to have a

of both the symbols for danger and opportunity.’

Superman tat, but I was afraid I might grow out of it, so then I thought something arty like a barcode or a tin of Campbell’s 157

soup. Maybe it would be better to go for something more

Mart cut in, ‘Less of the past tense please. The Unfinished

traditional like a skull with flames coming from the eyes. But I was

Universe is about to move onto the next level.’

never sure, so I never had it done. What about you Sally, have you got any tats?’ He closed his eyes and regretted the slip-up, then

Sally said, ‘What?’

glanced at Mart expecting a look which said - But you sleep with

And Mart instantly backed down, ‘Look, tonight should be about

her all the time - shouldn’t you know? Ah, never seen her naked

Nimrod and his great work and his great stand-up.’ Nimrod

huh? Tough call. But there was nothing, he was looking right at

coughed and looked at flame. ‘Oh yes,’ Mart added, ‘and Flame

Sally, perhaps he hadn’t heard.

too: Let’s talk about other stuff another night.’

Then Sally was saying, ‘You’ll think this is silly but I thought about

‘When?’ Sally was so keen.

an ‘Unfinished Universe’ tattoo. Perhaps a question mark with a globe for the point.’

Mart shrugged his shoulders, come to the flat tomorrow night.’

Dan said, ‘Sally are you taking the piss?’

Sally said, ‘Cool.’

‘No.’

Everybody else nodded. •••

‘But you only ever went on the paint thing and that was a disaster.’ She reached for his hand, ‘Would you have come to the charity shop if it wasn’t for the game?’ Clearly Flame and Nimrod’s

‘What was that all about?’

gooiness was rubbing off.

Dan was walking back with Sally.

Dan shrugged his shoulders, ‘Well not to work.’

‘What?’ Her orange DMs bounced on the pavement. It was ten

‘Well? So it was a good thing?’ ‘I guess so.’

and getting dark. ‘You know what I mean.’ A lamppost was coming up. Dan had to decide whether to swerve in with the bike, which would bring him closer to Sally, or out into the street. 158

‘I’ll only know if you tell me!’ He chose the street. ‘Oh, I think you know: but I can spell it out, when you met Mart you said what a wanker he was, how he was obsessed with guns and an egomaniac - and short, you called him short.’ ‘I did not say that, don’t you put words in my mouth.’ ‘Well if not exactly that along those lines - and now! Well it’s like you want to set up the Official Mart Fan Club.’ ‘Yeah?’ ‘Well?’ ‘Well at least he’s doing something.’

the riot you watched, but of all of us he was the one who pushed further and became part of it.’ ‘Right.’ They walked in silence, then Dan said, ‘Like Rosa Parks’ It suddenly seemed ludicrous to compare Mart, a middle class white male born into a world of privilege, with a young black seamstress who had grown up in segregated America. ‘Yes, like Rosa Parks. In a way. They both committed, they both stuck their necks out.’ Dan said, ‘I’m still not getting it.’ They past a pub, the front yard was full of beautiful people drinking expensive sweet larger from branded glasses. Sally kept

‘I raised money for charity.’

on looking forwards; there was a whistle and laughter.

‘For two days.’

Sally said, ‘There it’s ridiculous.’

‘We work in a charity shop.’

‘What?’

‘Yeah Dan and that’s beautiful, but I just don’t think that’s enough.

‘The whistle - don’t pretend you didn’t hear it.’

Look I’m not Mart’s number one fan, but I look at him and I see somebody who’s willing to commit.’

‘I heard a whistle, yes. But just because you pass somewhere and you hear a whistle, it doesn’t mean it’s directed at you. I mean

‘Hey, I’m willing to commit.’

who whistles at women now? It’s sooooooo three decades ago.’

‘No not that stupid - not to a relationship - but to an idea. He’s

‘Very funny.’

committed to the game, to the movement to creating change. At 159

‘Seriously Sally, if I thought that some pissed up bloke in that pub was oppressing you I’d cycle over, slap him up and demand an apology - I would really. But - you know - he was probably telling a joke that involved a whistle or - if you think about it - it could

‘Yes?’ ‘Well, do you think I’ll get to meet them at some point?’ ‘No I don’t think so.’

even have been a woman whistling.’ ‘Why, aren’t we serious enough?’ ‘And I suppose it could have been a kettle boiling too.’ ‘No, it’s not the right time now.’ ‘Hey Sally don’t be like that.’ ‘Am I not the right sort of material?’ ‘Like what?’ ‘I mean it’s not the right time to talk about it.’ They passed a cinema that was closing for the night. After that a nightclub with bouncers and a small queue outside. Ten minutes passed before they talked again. It was Sally who broke the silence this time. ‘I’m not a big fan of Mart, I thought the gun thing was stupid, but he’s bright, he is coming from a good place and he’s got something: direction, a plan, he’s going somewhere…’ ‘It’s difficult to argue with that,’ said Dan.

‘Come on.’ ‘Dan, I’m trying to tell you - god - they are both dead.’ ‘Oh, sorry.’ (Silence) ‘Yeah, before you ask, it had nothing to do with the protest or the

Now they were at Sally’s door. ‘Don’t argue. Bring your bike in

police. They were both killed in a car accident about five years

and have a cup of tea.’

ago. They were at a pedestrian crossing and well… nobody really

Dan sensed that even frottage was going to be off the menu tonight but accepted the invitation. As they sat down on the sofa bed (clutching organic tea picked from cooperative workers) Dan looked up at Sally’s mum being dragged from Greenham Common. He slurped the tea and said, ‘Your parents…’

knows what happened. There were witnesses and somebody even got some of the licence plate but the driver was never tracked down. At the hospital the doctor put me in a small room with a mug of very sweet tea - even though I asked for no sugar and he told me that they had died, he said it had been quick. And

160

I thought how strange that was: I mean how bad can it be before dying quickly becomes good?’ Sally started to cry. Dan put his arm around her. ‘I’m sorry I…’ ‘Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault, it’s the fault of some wanker who was drunk, or on his phone or just not paying attention. They loved each other so much. I never heard them argue…’ she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and gave a deep sigh, ‘and it seems so senseless, it just lacks any sort of meaning.’ Dan wanted to say something comforting and wise, then he realised it was better just to be silent and hold Sally and listen. And he did that until their tea became cold and it started to get light outside.

161

The Man with the

Dan was relieved, he didn’t really want Sally to see the image of his beaten-up face stretched over a figure. Mart continued, ‘So anyway, the idea is that you will be able to

Plan

pick out a choice of about twenty faces, loads of hair styles and a whole wardrobe of clothes. But - for the moment - there is just one figure.’ Mart clicked return and the character walked to the hotel door

The next night all five met at the flat as planned. Mart ushered them into his bedroom then sat at his computer while the other four huddled at the end of the bed.

then disappeared. ‘Again, this is a Beta, so ideally the avatar will open the door then walk through.’ The screen faded to black, LOADING flashed up then there was a picture of an empty hotel lobby. ‘This is the help area you can go to reception and ask a

‘It’s still a beta, but it’s starting to take shape.’ As Mart spoke

question - it’s basically a file of FAQs. And again, this is empty but

lettering started to glow on the screens. PRESS ANY KEY TO

when the game is up and running it will be full of different people.

START. He said, ‘Sitting comfortably?’ All four nodded as he

Dan you take over now.’

pressed the space bar. The central screen lit up, it was a picture of a grey 60s tower block with The Unfinished Universe written over the doorway in pink neon lettering. A box appeared in the middle of the screen: Name and Password. Mart’s hands flickered over the keyboard and a small man that looked like he was made of Lego bricks appeared at the bottom of the screen.

‘What?’ ‘Just go to reception and ask a question - use the mouse.’ Dan took Mart’s chair and clicked a spot near reception. The avatar moved. Then he typed in MAY I HAVE A ROOM? And hit return. A speech bubble appeared coming out of the Avatar’s

‘I’ve done away with the original avatars,’ said Mart. ‘Even with

mouth then there was a small pause and the man at reception

broadband they slowed the environments down.’

said, WE HAVE A COLLECTION OF PUBLIC AND PRIVATE

Nimrod said, ‘Right.’ But was clearly disappointed.

MEETING ROOMS, AND THE GAME ROOM. FEEL FREE TO EXPLORE. ‘Wow!’ 162

‘Ok,’ said Mart, ‘have a look around.’ Dan clicked to the left of his screen and saw a door with Library

‘Now I’ve made the lobby and this one room (and got it working) the others should come more quickly.’

written on it.

Sally said, ‘It’s great, I love it.’

Mart said, ‘That’s a good one, go in there.’

Mart gave her a questioning look.

Dan passed through the door and found himself in a room full of

Dan said, ‘No, she really means it. It’s all I can do to stop her

books, when he moved closer to them he could read the spines.

stalking you.’

He clicked on one called Protesting with Paint and the book came out, turned around and opened up. Flame said, ‘Very Harry Potter.’ There was a contents page then links that said EDIT and ADD. Mart said, ‘The idea is that users will contribute their own stories, ideas and suggestions. I’m working on a gallery section where they can upload photographs.’ Dan said, ‘Cool, can we go to the game room?’

Nimrod said, ‘Could we make the site free, but then charge to go into certain special areas?’ Mart said, ‘It’s not really about money.’ ‘Right!’ Mart said, ‘If people believe in the site they could donate - I could set that up.’ Then he hit a key and all the screens went dark. ‘Anyway, so there’s more work to do, but it’s getting there.’ There was silence and Dan considered clapping but then decided

‘This is it for the moment.’

against it.

‘What, but that bloke at reception said…?’

Sally said, ‘It is really good.’

‘Yeah Dan, what I’ve done in six months would take a team of five

‘Thanks, and it’s nice to have the chance to bring you up to date,

a year to do.’

but this isn’t why you’ve come here.’

‘Oh right sorry.’

Collective gasp.

163

‘Yeah, well, somebody I met on the demo, he has a brother who

Sally said, ‘Ok, we know all that, but what are you proposing we

works for, no wait…’

do about it? Some demo?’

Dan now saw that Mart had got them exactly where he wanted

‘No. We are going to break into the hanger and smash the

them: huddled together in the darkness of his inner sanctum, still

guidance systems.’

woozy from his technical hocus-pocus and right there in the palm of his hand. All he really had to do now was to close up his

Flame: ‘Gosh.’

fingers.

Sally: ‘Rad.’

Nimrod was up for it before he’d even heard it, ‘Come on Mart,

Dan: ‘?’

don’t leave us hanging, cut to the chase, let the dog see the rabbit.’ He was holding Flame’s hand and she too was hanging on every word. Sally was signed up before that first sentence, Dan knew she was here for the ride, or at least for as long as it gave her meaning.

Nimrod: ‘No way.’ Mart: ‘We’ve got somebody on the inside, a brother of a friend of somebody I met. This guy was making weapons of death and destruction then he saw some documentary about the arms trade

Mart stood up and looked down on the gang, ‘… Ok, how much

being evil and killing people – and suddenly grew a conscience.

do you know about the bombing of Indonesia?

Anyway, he’s given me the hanger plans, it’s all low risk / no risk. These Hawks are not armed and the engines are disabled so they

Nimrod said, ‘Give us the Newsround version.’ ‘Our government has a policy of not selling arms to Indonesia because they are bombing their next-door neighbour, East Timor.

are impossible to steal. Because of this they have attracted minimum security. They are not expecting anything and that’s our edge. We go in, we fuck, and we get out.’

But while that is the policy we are still selling Hawk bombers. We

Nimrod looked pale, he’d clearly been expecting something that

say it’s for self-defence and training but that’s just not true. The

involved a bit of climbing and a lick of Dulux. Mart clocked this

guidance systems in the bomber’s nose cones are designed to

and upped the pep.

get missiles to their targets and that’s what we are still shipping out.’

‘Hey kids, I can only show you the door, you are the ones that will have to pass through. It’s up to you.’ 164

Nimrod: ‘I’ve climbed hull overhangs without a safety rope, but

Sally walked home holding Dan’s hand fractionally tighter than

this is another league, I mean you - we - could do serious time for

usual. They walked past the newsagents where Dan had been

this. I thought you were going to suggest we mess up some

sick and where the photographs of Sally the Porn ripper were still

advertising campaign or stand outside parliament with banners -

taped up - all now yellowing with age and sunlight. She said,

regular Unfinished Universe stuff. You can’t think we’re going to

‘Well, what do you think?’ She might have just as easily asked,

get away with this. Yeah, maybe we can get in and do some

Dan are you a man or a mouse?

damage, but we’ll never get out. And they’ll have dogs and I really hate dogs.’

Dan decided to play it safe and keep his options open, ‘Well, like you say, he’s doing something.’

Mart let Nimrod talk himself out. Then, when he was drawing breath, he looked at Flame.

‘Yes,’ said Sally. ‘You know, we might switch to energy saving light-bulbs and go on the odd demo, but you never have any idea

She said, ‘I’m not wild about dogs either.’ But Dan saw from her

about how many people you are really reaching: you are throwing

face that she was just closing the gap between Mart and Nimrod,

a rock into the lake, but you never know just how far the ripples

making it easer for him to sign up when the time came. Mart

will travel. With this you are getting a chance to make history, to

knew the bottom line: if Flame was up for it Nimrod would follow.

grab headlines, to become a hero, you throw this rock and those

Mart said, ‘There are dogs in between the two perimeter fences, but we can be through in five minutes. ‘I’ve seen the plans and believe me, Glastonbury has tighter security than this hanger. It can be done if we have the will, once again, I’ll say it: I can only give you this opportunity: it’s up to you to reach out and take it.

ripples will travel around the world. This will stop thousands of innocent people being killed. How many people get a chance to do that? How many people get to do something that has so much meaning? For me it’s not a question of if I want to do it, it’s how could I not do it?’ They walked up the high street, Dan said, ‘You really think we could get away with it?’

•••

Now it was Sally’s turn to be quiet. They passed an off-licence and the chemists that distributed methadone. Finally she said, ‘Perhaps, but perhaps not. Would that matter to you?’ 165

‘Well yes! This is not a bit of graffiti or ripping up porn. This is big time. We are looking at an exemplary jail sentence. For you, well you’ve seen Prisoner Cell Block H, so you know what’s at stake.

‘I don’t know, just making small talk.’ ‘Can you give me multiple choice?’

For me this looks like five to ten years of being careful not to drop

‘Oh, off the top of my head; fox, lamb or perhaps a tiger?’ Vicki

the soap in the shower, if you know what I mean?’ She looked at

had called him tiger, sure she’d been insane but there was never

him like he was more mouse than man. But now he’d started he

a dull moment and there was something very sexy about being

couldn’t stop. ‘I’d hate prison. I mean I’ve never been, but I hated

called tiger.

school and prison is like school, but with more people telling you what to do, no holidays and institutionalised bullying. Oh – and yes – anal rape is a life experience I’d like to skip.’

‘Dan, I’m not sure I can play this game.’ ‘What? Oh it’s not a game, it’s just…’ Dan did a bit of fast

‘You can do what you want. Like Mart said, it’s up to us nobody is

thinking, ‘…well I’ve been having these dreams where a fox

making us.’

comes to me… it’s like he’s my power animal.’

More silence. Past the tube station and over to the common, they

‘?’

walked by the paddling pool where model makers floated their boats on Sunday mornings. Then they cut across the grass

‘You know, from Fight Club.’

towards the bandstand, it had become wet in the evening air.

‘??’

‘Sally?’

‘It doesn’t matter. So I’m falling, no I’m flying, I’m flying first of all,

‘Yeah?’ ‘If I was an animal, what animal do you think I’d be?’ and he thought, don’t say a mouse, don’t say a mouse, don’t say a

then I start to fall and this fox comes to me and tells me what to do.’ ‘Which is?’

mouse.

‘Think of a light object like a feather, and that way I’ll float.’

‘Why do you ask?’

‘And does that work?’

166

‘In a way, sometimes I think The Fox is my friend, like a spirit guide. Other times I think he’s just having a laugh.’ They walked off the grass and onto the tarmac around the bandstand. Sally released Dan’s hand and she skipped up the steps then walked to the centre and swung around the pole. Her shoes had left slight traces of water on the wooden surface. ‘Perhaps it’s like this…’ ‘Like what?’ ‘Let me finish! Like this,’ she spun around while saying, ‘Don’t think of Daffy Duck. Don’t think of Daffy Duck. Don’t think of Daffy Duck.’ ‘What?’ ‘Now, what are you thinking of? What picture is in your head?’ ‘Well yeah, a cheeky duck with a yellow beak, a black face and big eyes.’ Sally stopped spinning and slid to the floor. ‘Yeah, well perhaps your Fox is saying that? Think light things and you’ll float, think heavy things and you’ll drop.’ Dan walked over to Sally - knelt down and kissed her on the lips then he pulled back slowly and whispered, ‘I love you.’

167

Marked for Life

‘Oh really? – Awwchh.’ ‘Oooooh yess that was a good day. They all had Chinese symbols on their arses. Luck, joy, love, hope, you know all that sort of thing. But it could have said egg-fried rice for all I know - I just got it out of a book.’

The needle buzzed like a dentist’s drill. Is it safe? Is it clean? Will it hurt? Dan felt a wave of nausea as the needle approached his skin. Here’s the thing: when you are about to do something that will end with you being put in prison for a long period of time and - stroke - or beaten to a bloody pulp (and anally raped to boot)

After the black came bright yellow. It ran down Dan’s arm like he’d had been cut open and was gushing yellow blood, but the only real blood he could see was when the needle was dipped into the ink.

you are more open to do things that you might - in your more

The tattooist was saying everybody needed a theme for tattoos,

rational moments - normally put off. Yes it was safe, yes it was

‘Now you could have a superhero theme. You could have the Hulk

clean and yes it would hurt. Even Mart had said it hurt. What had

ripping the skin open on your back and looking through the torn

he said? Your brain is full of endorphins. ‘Awch.’ The needle had

flesh. Or you could have Spiderman swinging out of a gash in

gone in.

your stomach.’

Sally said, ‘Dan, you look very pale.’

The door buzzed.

‘Thanks, that’s really helpful.’

‘Let them in love.’

It was like a repeated dead-arm from a ninja girl with a compass.

Sally didn’t like being called love but knew better than to criticise

But Mart had been right, the pain dulled after the first few

the man who was about to stick a needle into her. She walked out

minutes. Dan looked at the top of his arm, a stream of black ink

to the shop lined with thousands of tattoo designs and let in

flowed down and was mopped up at the elbow with a white

Nimrod and Flame.

tissue. Now the red was being applied. ‘I had a hen party in last week.’ Nimrod got a glimpse. ‘Fuck.’ 168

Dan said, ‘It’s just the ink. There’s very little blood.’ ‘Oh right.’

‘Oh, yeah baby, can I? I can.’ John then told them that they were to be quite while he worked. He put a hard rock CD on to seal himself into his own personal world. ‘Yours,’ he said, pointing to

Dan finished by having unfinisheduniverse.com written under the

Dan’s bandaged arm, ‘now I could do that with my eyes closed

tattoo, the lettering was a bit wobbly but he decided there was no

chatting about last nights telly. But this, well this is something

point in complaining, and they were finished.

different. This is skill.’

A cup of coffee then Sally was up.

Sally flinched just the once, when the needle went in for the first time. When it was finished, the tattooist stood back. ‘It’s brilliant,

‘You’ll have to take your shirt off.’

my best, I have the urge to sign it.’

She gave him a penetrating look.

Sally said, ‘Resist that urge.’

‘Listen love, I’ve seen it all. I’ve done around nipples and along

Nimrod’s tattoo of the devil did look kind of scary. After light

cocks, I’ve even done an arsehole.’

persuasion from Dave he agreed to have it coming out of skin that

‘I imagine you’ve done a few of those,’ quipped Sally. ‘Very good, anyway love seeing you in a bra is not going to launch my boat.’

appeared to have been ripped open by a pitchfork. When you looked at it from a certain angle it looked very realistic. At the end he said, ‘How cool is my tat?’ Flame was up last. Her angel had long white robes that appeared

This tattooist - called John - had been personally recommended -

to wrap themselves around her arm while the wings - with a skilful

apparently - to Mart and had won awards for his craft, but clearly

use of drop shadow - appeared to be hovering just above her

not for his repartee.

arm.

Sally removed her orange shirt and sat on the chair. Like Dan she

‘You know,’ said Dave, ‘I’ve always wanted to try to put life-sized

wanted the tattoo on the top of her right arm. ‘Like we said

wings on somebody’s back, tempted?’

before,’ she said. ‘I want an orange question mark, the dot underneath is to be the Earth rendered to look 3D. You can do

All four shook their heads.

that can’t you?’ 169

This is Euphoria

defining yourself, you are marking yourself for life, you are saying this is me.’ Mart could hear nothing but was nodding encouragingly and so Dan went on. ‘And you know you are marking yourself out as somebody who has a tattoo, it’s like joining an exclusive group. We’ve all done the pain, we’re all

That night Mart put a hand in his pocket and pulled out a small plastic bag with pills in. ‘You lucky lot are on the guest list prepare to have some fun.’

marked.’ The pills were speedy. Flame and Nimrod were dancing right up against each other,

The party was held at a recording studio down a back street in

sweat dripped from their bodies and the water in their skin made

Angel. There was hard dance in the basement and a chill zone

them truly connected. Sally - who had only taken a half - was

and a bar upstairs - though nobody drank anything stronger than

sharing a circle with a group of blissed-out babes, all cutting

water. The crowd looked crusty and some had the same tattoo as

shapes in the air and smiling. Dan walked up and kissed her, then

Mart, the Chinese character surrounded by swirls and spikes.

lightly licked the sweat from the side of her face. Salt.

They all lost it in the basement: dancing until sweat saturated

‘This is so great,’ he shouted. ‘This is how we all should be all the

their clothes and dripped off their hair onto the dusty floor. The

time.’ They hugged then kissed. Then there was a tapping on his

gang were together, united in their shared chemical world. When

shoulder, it was Nimrod, he was pointing up. All five held hands in

Dan looked up he saw Mart smiling at him, Dan flashed the

a chain and went up the stairs, past the bar and chill out room to

thumbs up and mouthed, ‘Thanks for the drugs mate, you’re so

the rooftop. There they watched the sun rise up over the office

cool, you know, you’re the greatest friend I could ever have.’

blocks. One beat. One world. One love. One gang.

‘You too brother.’ Then Dan was off, ‘You know, the thing about a tattoo – I could

•••

do an article – is well yeah, what was I saying, oh yeah, it’s like: you are born and it’s lucky dip in the gene pool. You get your skin and your hair from your parents. When you have a tattoo you are 170

At five the party was still going strong, but Dan and Sally were

Mart led the other three into his bedroom, ‘From this room you

ready to head back and Mart announced that the after party chill-

can see any room in the flat.’

zone was at the flat. ‘I have a surprise,’ he said. ‘Prepare to be amazed.’ On the tube Dan scanned the early morning commuters like an alien scanning a human for the first time. Some looked back and

Nimrod absentmindedly scratched his tattoo. ‘Yeah Mart, but why?’ ‘The future is The Media.’

smiled, others scowled. ‘But I thought…’ Sally hissed, ‘I need the bathroom and quick.’ ‘Yes, the media is corrupt and it’s bad: it’s a tool of The State. But After they got out Sally walked as quickly as her bladder would

now, after the detox, I can see that you can’t ignore the revolution

allow her, but at the door Mart made them all wait. He waved the

that’s happened, you have to embrace it, you have to take it on

key through the air and said, ‘Welcome to the future.’

and use it for your own ends.’

‘Jesus Mart,’ said Sally. ‘Come on, come on.’

Dan looked around, amazed, ‘Mart, where did the money come

But Mart still stood in front of the door, ‘Really, while you were getting tattoos, I’ve been busy.’ ‘Mart, open the door.’ Mart reluctantly turned around and put his key in the door. Sally pushed passed to the toilet. The walls and ceilings were covered in metal boxes and wires.

from for this stuff?’ Martin paused for a moment and looked at his feet, ‘Well, a few years ago I came up with a device that allows you to send encrypted messages securely over the internet - this is the result.’ ‘No way.’ ‘Way, they just send me cheques.’

Dan could see they connected to monitors and cameras. ‘Wow,’ he said. ‘Technology has taken over; Borgification is complete.’ The monitors started to blink through the rooms.

171

Mart said, ‘Each camera is activated remotely by movement or

glanced at Dan (who nodded) then he went on, ‘It’s not their fault,

warmth.’

I don’t think anybody said, “you must report this and not that” but

They saw the shed outside, the kitchen and the hall; then a closeup of their wrecked faces looking up at monitor. After that Sally appeared, she was sitting on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper. Dan ripped off his coat and placed it over the monitor, ‘Mart you perv turn that camera off now!’ But then Sally’s slash was going out live on three different monitors and Dan quickly realised he lacked the garments to cover all of them up. Sally’s voice shouted down the corridor, ‘Hey, you guys, there’s a

it just became easier to do celebrity pieces or go to some cosy press briefing – rather than get out on the streets to see what’s really happening. Technology is now small and cheap, we can be faster than them and stream broadcast quality digital images on the web as they are happening. So there’s no censorship or editing, just a continuous spontaneous stream of truth.’ Nimrod said, ‘So, Brothers, The Revolution will be televised after all.’

TV set in here, I can see you all. What are you looking at? Then

Everybody laughed, except for Mart. ‘It will be,’ he said. ‘And we

she fell quiet. ‘If I can see you, can you see me?’ She must have

are going to be the ones doing it.’

spotted the camera. ‘Jesus Christ! You’ve wired the toilet!’ Mart pulled the plug. All the monitors blinked dead. He shouted, ‘Hey, sorry.’ Everybody was too loved up to get too upset. ‘The internet is going to be universally broadband. That’s millions of people with thousands of channels of streaming reception. At the moment you have the Beeb – which is controlled by The State through the charter - obviously - and the commercial stations that are controlled by advertising. Nobody is independent because nobody can afford to be. Most reporters now get their stories through watching CNN and going to military briefings.’ Mart 172

Universal Balance

Mart seemed to have escaped the comedown experience. Indeed he seemed to be still riding high. ‘A month today is C-day,’ he said. ‘The day after that will be, D-day (which will be the day of action) then after it’s over it will be E-day for us all.’

Just as every Yin has its Yang and every loan has its payback so then every high has its low. Dan’s was a cold damp and dark numbing depression that descended around him like a grey cloud. Listening to loud retro handbag was not enough to shift

Dan touched his temples, ‘Oooh, I can’t even think of that. You know I could give up the whole pill thing.’ ‘You look a bit peaky.’

this penetrating greyness and - as far as Dan could tell - this was a cloud that had no silver lining. Work was impossible: every word

‘Yeah,’ said Dan. ‘It’s amazing how such a small thing can fuck

was an effort to produce, a drain on limited resources. He went to

you over so big time.’

see Sally at the shop. The skin on her face - white and lifeless told him they were riding the same chemical low. Dan said, ‘I’m never doing pills again.’ ‘Yeah,’ said Sally. ‘Right.’

Mart nodded. In the days since the party he’d continued to Borgifie the flat. He’d also assembled wireless webcams and taped them to himself. This meant that not only were there flickering security monitors in every room, but there was also live footage of whatever Mart was looking at: the TV, a book, his computer: his

On day four the cloud seemed to ease but despite this Dan’s morning had been littered with bad omens. While cleaning his teeth he’d lost his grip on the toothbrush and it had fallen down

life was on TV. He said, ‘I’m going to build a cinema into Unfinished Universe Towers and I’m going to webcast everything live: an uncensored truth.’

the toilet. By the time he’d got to the newsagents they sold the

Dan had often looked into other peoples’ shopping trolleys and

last paper he wanted, finally he’d seen and stepped over a

wondered about their lives: stacks of convenience food and three

puddle of water only to skid in a pile of dog shit.

types of ready cut leaf for the thrusting executive, a collection of 173

bargain pizzas and tins of sweet corn for the mum on a budget. If - Dan thought - he were to buy what they bought would he become like them? Would his body change would his attitudes

The force of the knocking opened Mart’s door. Dan said, ‘Tell me it’s not true.’

change? Would he be like them? Are you what you eat?

‘What are you talking about?’

Watching what Mart was watching was surprisingly addictive - it

‘The serviette Mart - tell me that’s not the plan. Tell me we are not

knocked the socks of that supermarket fantasy - the cam was

about to perform a criminal act of sabotage on the basis of a two-

real, the cam was Mart, you could be Mart if you watched enough

minute serviette sketch.’

TV. It was Big Brother in your own house and you could talk to the star anytime you wanted.

‘What serviette, what sketch?’

Now the camera was showing images of a red serviette with a

‘Mart, you are going out live twenty-four-seven, the unlimited

gold edge with biro drawings on it. There were three circles.

truth remember?’

Between the first two circles was a matchstick man and a dog, which either had five legs or was very well hung. The inner circle had lightening bolts around it to indicate electricity. There was also a circular blot from a coffee cup and what looked like pizza

‘Oh.’ Mart lost his composure for a moment but then bounced back. ‘Dan, that was classified information, you shouldn’t have been watching.’

smear, but it could have been anything.

‘?’

Mart (and his camera) looked at this serviette for a whole twenty

‘I don’t need to tell you what people risked to get us those plans.’

minutes. Dan’s jaw dropped open for a whole twenty minutes.

‘They are not plans Mart. It’s a stickman sketch on a serviette.’ As

After Mart had folded the napkin away, walked to his bedroom

he spoke Dan could see his own face on the monitors, recorded

and put it in a draw by his bed, Dan got up. He felt detached,

in the webcam taped to Mart’s shoulder.

apart, like he was watching himself from one of the many cameras in the corridor. Knock-knock.

Then Mart was saying, ‘Well, what were you expecting, a rotating three dimensional hologram? Look this brother could be in real trouble for giving us this information. He could go down for a very long time.’ 174

‘Yeah,’ said Dan. ‘For crimes against serviettes! Mart, we have no idea of scale, how far the two perimeter fences are from each other, not to mention how high the fences are. God. I’ve got to see Sally about this.’

‘Have you got any drugs?’ ‘I think drugs were the problem.’ ‘What?’ ‘That party, it made me so run down.’

••• Sally wasn’t at the shop. Dan called around at her flat and she answered wrapped in an aging towel dressing gown. She was

‘Yeah me too. But I meant drugs to make you feel better: paracetamol, Lemsip, Beechams: that sort of thing.’ ‘Yeah, done all that.’

sweating and her nose was red. ‘You know, it’s a strange thing Mart doesn’t seem to have had any ‘I’ve got flu,’ she said in a nasal drone, then added, ‘popper flu.’

come down at all.’

Dan stood back, ‘I can see.’

‘I can’t help you there Dan. Maybe it’s his constitution? Maybe he

‘Don’t come in, you might get it.’ ‘That’s ok.’ ‘Dan I don’t really…’ ‘We’ve got to talk.’

takes loads of vitamin pills? Is that what you’ve come around for, to talk about Mart?’ ‘No, well yes but no, not like that. I saw the plans for the mission.’ ‘And?’ Dan explained about the serviette while Sally continued to wipe

Sally opened the door squashing a pile of free newspapers and

her nose. He even said about the well-hung dog, but she didn’t

junk mail. Inside the sofa was made into a bed, Dan sat on the

laugh or react at all. He finished by saying how it didn’t even

corner while Sally got back under the duvet. She said, ‘I’m aching

show the height of the fences.

and then hot and then I’m cold and I sweat all the time, it’s not very attractive.’

‘But we’ll be going through the fences not over them, so surely that doesn’t matter.’ 175

‘But what if they are electrified? And what if the security is lax and we get in, then we do the damage and we get caught?’ Sally shrugged her shoulders. ‘Whatever Dan, look I told you what I think and I told you that I can’t not do this so there’s nothing more to say.’ ‘God Sally you are starting to sound like you want to get caught.’ ‘Dan you are going to have to leave me alone to fester with my germs now. Thanks for coming around and letting me know you’re a diamond. If I need anything I’ll call, but for the moment I just need to be left alone.’

•••

It took three weeks for Sally to fully recover. And the strange thing was, while she had been cool about the plans being no more than scribbled biro on a serviette she was totally enraged by the next step of Mart’s plan.

176

Strip

pretend to be part of a surprise stag do. They can be…’ he paused and chose his words, ‘exotic dancers.’ Sally exploded, ‘You want me to dress as a stripper? Are you insane?’

Mart divided his time between building the website and wiring the flat. The monitors, wires and cameras were becoming progressively more sophisticated: there were cameras that could see in the dark, others that were activated by noise or heat and then zoomed in on the target area. This meant that when you put the kettle on there were mechanical werrrs around the room. The doorbell rang and the monitors showed Flame, Nimrod and Sally waiting outside. Mart said, ‘When I’ve got more time I want

Flame shrugged her shoulders, ‘It’s for the greater good right? So what is a bit too much lipstick and a short skirt?’ But then she had dressed in very little and painted herself gold for Jen’s art do. Nimrod was into it too, but he held back to appear more right on than he actually was. The best he could manage was, ‘Ok, Flame, but I don’t want you to get cold.’ Sally was not going to bend. Her lips were clamped into a straight line and she’d folded her arms tightly across her chest.

to build a fingerprint scanner into the ringer then connect it to a

It was Dan who came up with a working solution. ‘What if we

database, so we’d know, not only who’s at the door but all about

ditch the stripper thing and have Flame and Sally dress as

what they do and who they are.’

heroes.’

‘Well,’ said Dan. ‘That will give us the edge on the Jehovah’s

‘?’

Witnesses.’ ‘Yes, you know comic book super heroes. Flame could be dressed in fire like, Flame the Torch of Justice and Sally could All five sat in the front room and Mart held court. ‘Listen, I believe the plans will only get us so far, after that we have to be smart, we have to have a story. My contact knows the boss is getting married so we should pose as security and the girls should

dress in a flag and be - like - I don’t know Patriot… or Brit Girl or something like that.’ Dan looked at Sally to see if this was acceptable. She shrugged her shoulders. ‘Just as long as we’re not strippers.’ 177

Flame said, ‘That’s fine by me too.’

‘Nice move with Sally by the way.’

Nimrod looked disappointed, ‘Whatever.’

‘She’s not going to bail on you, she still thinks you are the man. It’s just she has this thing about porn.’

•••

‘Don’t you mean, us?’ ‘What?’

Later that night Dan was watching Mart working, then he looked up and the monitor and shouted, ‘Dan, are you doing anything?’

‘You said, “She’s not going to bail on you.” Don’t you mean, she’s not going to bail on us.’

Dan looked into a camera and shook his head. Then he watched

‘Yeah, sorry, us.’ Dan looked back at the screen. Mart’s hand was

as Mart got up, turned to his door and walked up the corridor and

reaching into the pile of magazines by his bed he reached down

into the kitchen. The fridge door opened and there was a hissing

to the bottom and pulled our a comic. ‘Hey, where did this come

sound. Then Dan saw his own door opening and then the back of

from?’

his own head.

‘The charity shop, I got it on my first shift, months ago now, I’d

‘Beer?’

forgotten it was there.’

‘Thanks.’

Mart zoomed in on the cover. Supermen rushing down to save

As they drank Mart panned around Dan’s room. ‘Watch,’ he said then he raised his left eyebrow and the camera zoomed in tight on a pile of magazines and newspapers.’ ‘Nice,’ said Dan. ‘What does the right eyebrow do?’ ‘Night vision.’ ‘Wild.’

two kids who are about to go into a minefield - our hero can see the mines with his x-ray vision. ‘It’s an interesting piece of modern history.’ Dan: ‘Yeah?’ Mart: ‘You know the idea?’ Dan: ‘I can guess. It’s designed to warn kids about mines probably for Bosnia in the mid 90s.’ 178

Mart: ‘Very good. Gold star. Top of the class. This was a huge operation sponsored by UNICEF and personally supported by the then President’s wife Hillary Clinton. Millions of dollars were ploughed into this little comic.’ ‘So? That’s a good thing.’ ‘No. The whole thing was a disaster: see it from the kids’ point of view: it’s saying when you go into a minefield then a flying man with super powers comes to visit you, picks you up and takes you

‘Yeah, I hear you.’ ‘We’re going to come out of this Dan, I’ve got it covered, just stick with me and you’ll be fine.’ ‘Right.’ ‘I can only show you the door Dan. It’s up to you to pass through it and it’s your choice – entirely.’ Dan nodded.

flying. Yeah? Think about it for a second, what sort of message was sent out to the kids?’

‘Say yes Dan, say yes if you are in. Don’t just nod, commit and say so. But be sure, because after now there is no going back.

‘Ok I see where you are going. Your saying is the kids will…’ ‘Yes.’ Dan said, ‘Ok. Yes.’ Mart cut in, ‘But it’s not just that is it? The USA is the biggest manufacturer of arms in the world. What right have they got to say landmines are bad for kids when they are cranking arms out and selling them around the world without regard for the damage they will do? This comic is just an imperialistic attempt to win hearts and minds, it’s a PR exercise.’ Dan said, ‘Oh, I see.’ Mart continued, ‘The bottom line is this: you can’t rely on some bloke with a cape and his underpants on over his tights (because he’s made up) and you can’t rely on The State (because they will fuck you over) ultimately you can only trust yourself and your

‘Are you sure?’ ‘Yes, I’m sure.’ ‘Now you’ve promised me three times, you can’t go back.’ Mart put caps over the web-cams and then reached into his back pocket and pulled out a brown envelope marked TOP SECRET and RESTRICTED. Inside was a set of detailed blueprints folded down as tight as origami. ‘The plans were given to me on a need to know basis.’ ‘So the serviette?’

mates.’ 179

‘A sketch I made based on the prints.’ There were measurements, fences, arrows and even door openings. Mart said, ‘Nobody else gets to see these or to know they exist, is that clear?’ Dan nodded and then said, ‘Yes.’ ‘This is going to be amazing, and it must have crossed your mind that it’s going to be the story of the year, perhaps a story with gate in the title, what you always wanted.’ Dan went to sip his beer and found the can was empty. ‘Perhaps I should have been more careful what I wished for.’

180

C-Day

‘No.’ ‘She studied fashion for a year and then got out, she said it was too bitchy, too backstabbing.’ Sally stepped back into the room. ‘What do you think?’

Sally’s room was tidy. Dan looked around again. No, not tidy, empty. Just - on the wall - the picture of Sally’s mother being dragged smiling from the protest. The sofa bed was folded out and there was a sleeping bag and pillow laid out on it. Sally said, ‘After the action I’m moving in with a friend.’

Dan’s mouth dropped open. The dress was a tight bodice in a Union Jack (a la Ginger Spice of the 90s) which gave Sally stunning cleavage. Then she had a scarlet knee high skirt and matching patent leather boots with white laces. Sally walked to Dan, leaned over, put her index finger under his chin and lifted it up until his jaw clicked closed. ‘I take it that the

‘Oh?’

outfit meets with your approval.’

‘Up the road, cheaper rent. I won’t be far away.’

Dan nodded dumbly.

‘Cool.’ Without Sally’s stuff in it the room looked smaller.

Sally went on, ‘There’s a matching red eye mask as well but it’s

‘Do you want to see the dress? Flame brought it around today.’ Dan sat on the bed while Sally disappeared into the kitchenette and changed. Dan turned away and found himself looking at the bed, without the duvet you could see the springs bumping up beneath the fabric. He ran his hands over the bumps then lay

got to be glued on.’ ‘Right.’ ‘Hello, Earth to Dan.’ ‘Oh, yes, what?’

down on one elbow.

‘Thanks so much for coming around.’

Sally shouted out, ‘Did you know Flame could use a soewing

‘But I thought, we… I, you…’

machine?’ ‘We both have a big day tomorrow and we both need to sleep.’ 181

‘Yeah.’ ‘And I know you don’t sleep well on the sofa bed.’

he saw The Fox looking down at him pointing with his paw and laughing.

‘I don’t think anybody sleeps well on this sofa bed.’ ‘Dan I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for coming around, really.’

Back at the flat the phone rang and Dan pounced on it, ‘Sally?’ ‘Hi, no it’s Flame.’ ‘Hi Flame. Knock-out dress you did for Sally.’ ‘Thanks. I called because I have a tip for you.’ ‘Right?’ ‘Positive visualisation,’ she said. ‘Close your eyes and see us going into the hanger, doing the deed and then leaving. That should give you feelings of positivity. Do you think you can do that?’ Dan said ‘I’ll try,’ then thanked her for calling. When he tried to visualise success, all he saw were security guards coming down on him like a rugby ball. His ribs cracked, his teeth broke and his face becoming swollen tight and hard. Then he was being chucked – try like – into a pit where wild dogs split his skin open with their fangs and feasted on his intestines. When he looked up 182

D-day

They were travelling out separately - that had been Mart’s idea. He said they would draw less attention that way. Flame and Sally were to wear long rain jackets to hide their outfits. The five assembled at a concrete bus shelter outside the hanger in the early evening. Mart reached into his backpack and handed

The image that all the newspapers and magazines used was a

out brown XL coveralls. ‘This is what the mechanics wear.’ He

screen grab of Flame and Sally on the wing of a Hawk. In the

said, so we should blend in. Sally’s bright red boots stuck out

background you could see the nose-cone was all smashed up -

from the overlong legs.

wires spewed out. Then there was a peace symbol sprayed in day-glow orange by the side of the wing. Flame was dressed in an orange crop top and short-shorts with silk flames flowing off them. She was down on one knee, then Sally (as Brit Girl) was standing upright, chest slightly forward, legs slightly apart and her

Mart said, ‘You all know the plan: we go in quickly, do the damage then out again, all in the space of fifteen minutes. If we are stopped on the way to the hanger Flame and Sally are dancers for Mike’s surprise stag do - leave me to do the talking.’

eye mask glued on. Both looked directly into the camera, both

The five slipped by some bushes and arrived at the outer fence.

were making two-fingered peace signs. Flame said, ‘You get that

Mart pulled two small wire cutters from his bag and handed one

on tape Mart?’ After he told them it was in the can they both

to Nimrod. They cut slits in the fence until it became a large flap.

laughed like hysterical kids. Sally pealed her mask off and said,

Dan could hear barking as they crawled across grass to the next

‘Let’s finish what we started.’

fence, but there were no dogs in sight - lucky. But for how long

Three hours earlier: Dan took an indelible pen and wrote the telephone numbers of solicitors and a journalist’s union help line on the back of his arm. In his wardrobe he pulled out the gold trainers Sally had given him, then added the smart black trousers, white shirt and dinner

would their luck hold? At the second fence Dan felt a surge of adrenalin. It was suddenly uncomfortable to be just passive, just to follow. He said, ‘Hey Mart. I want to snip the next fence.’ Mart handed Dan the wire cutters and hissed, ‘Be quick.’

jacket.

183

Snip, snip, snip. Now they were crawling over a concrete floor,

Dan said, ‘No, don’t.’ He reached for the door handle and it

the rough surface pushed Dan’s sleeves up and grazed his

swung open.

elbows. The third fence was stronger with a crown of evil looking razor wire on top. There was also a bright red sign with evil looking spiky lightening bolts and a skull underneath: it read Warning Electrified Fence Danger Of Death. ‘Don’t worry,’ said Mart. ‘It’s just for show.’

Five Hawk jets filled the hanger, they were so big their wings almost touched. Dan had made Airfix models like this when he was a kid. Now his playthings were here, grown into green glossy monsters. He walked under one hypnotised by the scale. Martin hissed, ‘Lose the overalls.’ When Dan looked around he

Nimrod flashed Flame a heroic look then reached out with his

could see the other four had changed and Sally was sticking on

fingers and touched the fence. Suddenly he was convulsing, his

her mask. It was now that, if confronted, they could make out

muscles spasmed and his face screwed up into a ball of pain.

they were part of a stag do. But their luck was in, the place was

Flame put her fist in her mouth to stop herself screaming, and

completely empty.

then Mart slapped Nimrod over the back of the head and said, ‘Grow up!’ Now there was just air between the five and the hangers. Lights lined the concrete. A single aeroplane taxied across the runway. Sally reached for Dan’s hand and squeezed. She whispered, ‘I was born for this moment.’ Dan squeezed back but said nothing. The hanger building was dark with a few splinters of light cutting out from under the doors. They walked to one and Mart reached into his backpack and got a crowbar.

Mart started to bark orders in a whisper, then Flame, Nimrod and Sally ran around the hanger grabbing chairs and pushing them against doors. Mart pulled out his Borg eye-patch. ‘Smile kids,’ he said. ‘We’re going out on Unfinished Universe Live.’ Dan dodged his look, ‘Are you mad?’ ‘Dan you’ve been on their CCTV for the last twenty minutes, this is the story from our point of view, the unedited truth.’ ‘Fuck. So, why isn’t a ton of security piling down on us?’ Mart looked uncomfortable, ‘That’s information that…’

184

Nimrod cut in, ‘It doesn’t matter it could just be dumb luck, but

Mart shouted, ‘Shift change.’ And Dan took the hammer from

it’s not going to hold forever, let’s go to work.’ He went into Mart’s

Nimrod. But when Mart moved in for Sally’s hammer she held it

bag and pulled out two hammers. ‘We need the nose cones, they

back and said, ‘Oh no. This is mine.’ He backed off (wisely). The

are the gonads of the aircraft.’

metal buckled and ripped like foil under the hammer, the delicate

Flame took one of the hammers and said, ‘What Nimrod means is that that’s where the guidance system is stored: delicate, expensive and sensitive.’ ‘Yeah,’ said Nimrod. ‘Like I said, the gonads.’ He climbed a short ladder onto a platform then took the hammer and lifted into the air, ‘first strike!’ The sound was like an anvil being dropped into sheets of glass. The outer casing was surprisingly thin and the hammer had ripped right through. ‘Holy fuck’ he said and started to laugh.

equipment underneath continued to shatter and fall like confetti to the floor. When Sally paused for breath Dan’s ears rang. ‘This is just too easy,’ he shouted. Sweat dripped of Sally’s brow then flexed her muscles again. Bang, bang, bang. A few blows later they were ready to move on to the next. Flame managed to get into the cockpit of a Hawk she’d heavily graffitied - she was smashing the controls with a crowbar and the cone magically popped open. Without the metal casing it took just thirty seconds to turn the guidance system into scrap metal. Flame was ripping at the cockpit wires when Mart told her to pop

Sally joined him on the other side, ‘Come on,’ she said. ‘Stop

the other cones. Ten minutes later the hammering stopped. It was

messing about.’ Bang, bang, bang. Within a minute Dan could

over.

see the remains of the radar equipment beneath the ripped metal. Mart pulled some cans of day glow paint from his bag and threw one at Flame. ‘Go to it.’ She started with ‘Peace Not War’ followed by the more punchy ‘Killing Machines’. Aerosol filled the hanger. Dan picked up a can and Wrote ‘Take The Toys From The Boys’ which just fitted on a wing. Next he got some steps and climbed on a wing. He drew an arrow at the cockpit and wrote,

Sally and Flame posed for their defining moment photo. Nimrod laughed at Flame’s graffiti. Dan oggled Sally Mart was behind the camera.

‘Asshole Sits Here.’

185

Dan turned around in a circle surveying all the damage, ‘Fuck.’ Nimrod and Mart looked like boys at Christmas. Faces flushed. Eyes bright. Flame looked at what they’d done. The mess, all this, it had taken just minutes. Nimrod said, ‘How much damage do you think we’ve done? Thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands - who knows?’ Sally turned to Dan. ‘Come here you. I want you.’ Dan walked up, ‘For what?’

She kissed Dan again then ran the edges of her teeth over his jaw and neck. She unbuttoned his shirt and kissed his chest. Dan inhaled to speak and she put her hand over his mouth. ‘Just be in the moment. Look at what you want, right her and right now.’ She reached for Dan’s belt and zip, then pulled her skirt up. They connected and she was moving slowly up and down on him. Dan didn’t know if it was going to be better to come quickly, so they could avoid prison, or if he should prolong the experience he’d been yearning so long for. In the end it was a happy medium.

Sally: ‘I want you.’ She led him to a ladder by the first jet. ‘Stay inside me,’ she reached down to Dan’s ear and whispered, ‘Shouldn’t we, you know, be fucking off?’

‘we’ve done it.’

Sally smiled, then she told Dan to lie down on the top of the wing,

‘Yeah, well.’

‘Face up,’ she said. Then she was on top of him, pushing his wrists to the riveted metal of the Hawk’s wing. Sweat dripped off her hair into his face and mouth then she lowered her head and ran her tongue over his lips like the time they first kissed in the charity shop. Sally said, ‘Tell me you want me.’ Dan told her. ‘Tell me you want to come inside me.’ ‘I want you. I want to come inside you.’

‘Dan hush, Dan listen: we’ve thrown a huge rock into the lake.’ ‘Oh, right.’ ‘We’ve done what we had to do and now we have no control over the splash and the ripples, they’ll spread out into a circle, they’ll go beyond what we can see, what we can control.’ ‘I guess so.’ ‘Oh, and Dan.’ ‘Yes.’ 186

‘Watch out for Mart.’ Before Dan could reply, she had pulled away. Head spin. Information.

they do that we’ll have to go to court and argue our case. It will make the national news.’ Dan protested, ‘The media will crucify you, they’ll twist everything.’ Sally said, ‘We’ll take that chance. There has got to be meaning

Breathe.

to this, it’s got to mean something.’

Sally was pushing skirt back down then brushing her hair into

Flame said, ‘Go now. We knew you and Dan wouldn’t want to

place with her fingers. Dan zipped his trousers and clambered

stay, go while you still can. ‘In five minutes we’re going to phone

down the steps. Mart, Flame and Nimrod were all looking away

security and tell them we are here, then after that we’ll call the

but sniggering like sixth formers. When Dan touched down onto

police – it will take them hours to work out they are missing you

the floor they burst into spontaneous applause.

two, perhaps days.’

Mart had packed his bag and now picked it up, ‘Ok kids time to

Dan kissed Sally on the lips and whispered in her ear, ‘I can’t

go back home.’

stay.’

Nimrod was facing him-off. ‘We’re not going with you Mart, we’re

‘I know,’ she said.

going to stay.’ Flame reached for Nimrod’s hand, ‘Me too.’

He said, ‘I want to stay, but…’ Sally cut him off, ‘It’s cool, just go Dan, go and don’t look back.’

Dan took a quick look at Sally, she was nodding, ‘Yes, me too Dan, I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you, we decided weeks ago. You see if we just ran now we’ll be vandals and it might not even make the

• • •

news – can you imagine how embarrassing this is for them? They will want to keep it quiet. This way they’ll have to arrest us and if

187

Mart used plastic ties to knit the fence back together as they left. ‘Hey Dan,’ he said. ‘You want me to cut you a piece? You know as a keepsake, a souvenir? Just a few links - the fence will probably stretch to that. You could sell it on eBay: a piece of the true fence.’ ‘Mart! What the fuck are you on?’ Mart continued to knit the fence together. ‘Relax Dan, everything is being taken care of. Now remember, as we leave walk don’t run. And trust me, I’ll look after you.’ After closing-up the last of the links Mart stepped out of the bushes, walked to the edge of the pavement and waved his hand in the air. A black cab appeared and pulled into the curb. Mart opened the door, ‘Well, come on Dan, we’ve got a train to catch.’

188

Part Five Game Over

189

Paris

‘They were against staying at first, but Sally talked them into it: she said that it was the only way to maximise the impact, and - in truth - she was probably right.’ ‘And how do you know all this? How did you know they were going to stay?’

Dan stooped to enter the cab. The driver had a black cap with a patent leather peak. He wore an immaculate white short-sleeved shirt. The door slammed. He turned, ‘Sir?’ and Dan saw that on his bicep was a tattoo like Mart’s: all swirls and spikes. Mart looked at his watch, ‘We’ve missed the last train so we’ve got a few hours to kill, just drive.’ The driver nodded. Mart reached into a dark box by his side and

Mart paused for a moment, ‘Dan, the fate of the world is hanging in the balance here. Never have things been as crucial as they are now.’ ‘What does that mean?’ ‘It’s means that this is bigger than us, it means that it’s important to expect the unexpected.’

pulled out some champagne and two glasses.’

‘What?’

Dan breathed in deeply, ‘Sally, Nimrod and Flame are about to be

‘It’s important to be prepared.’

arrested and sent down and you’re bring out champagne? What the fuck are you thinking?’

‘Again: the same question.’

‘We’ve done what we set out to do and we’ve done it on our own

Mart popped the champagne and poured out two glasses. ‘Ok

terms.’

Dan, it means Nimrod’s flat got bugged.’

‘But Sally…’

‘What?’

‘Sally did what she wanted and she did it on her terms too, she

‘Come on Dan, you got what you wished for: we’ll be front-page

got what she wanted.’

news soon, and you got to sleep with Sally. They got what they wanted and the jets have been stopped. We’ve saved hundreds

‘What about Nimrod and Flame?’

of lives.’ He pushed a glass at Dan, ‘Let’s celebrate our victories!’ 190

Dan took the glass and downed it in one. The bubbles rose up

‘It was in this karaoke bar a year ago. Yeah, she was with a gang

into his nose then fizzed down into his stomach. Mart

of girls and I was with some people from work - wankers mostly. I

immediately refilled the glass. As the bubbles of alcohol popped

wanted to be spontaneous, so after three drinks I picked an artist

in his bloodstream Dan realised that Mart was probably right: here

and track at random, then grabbed the mic and sung Love Me

they were in the back of a black cab leaving the scene without

Tender.

flashing lights or sirens screaming. They had got away with it and they’d made a difference, like Mart said, saved hundreds of lives, perhaps thousands. Dan rested back in his seat, felt the leather

Dan shook his head, ‘What?’ ‘Do you want me to go on?’

give against his back and exhaled, ‘safe.’ ‘It’s just difficult to picture that’s all. Go on.’ Mart raised his glass, ‘To people getting what they want.’ ‘Well - it didn’t sound too bad - and it turned out that Jen was this Dan reluctantly chinked, ‘I guess so.’ They drank until the bottle was empty, then Mart produced a second, which he popped with one hand and poured into Dan’s glass until the foam spilt over the top. ‘I didn’t film you, you know:

big Elvis fan, and that was it. She was saying, “Get your coat love, you’ve pulled.” Well you know what she was like: no lack of confidence.’ Dan nodded, ‘Yeah.’

you and Sally on the wing.’ ‘Then a month later she’d moved in and was putting up beaded Dan snorted with laughter, ‘Thanks Mart, that means a lot to me,

curtains made from laminated sweet wrappers and painting the

you’re a true friend, really.’

bathroom gold - oh yeah - and insisting I sat down when I had a

As always Mart failed to pick up the sarcasm, ‘I wouldn’t have wanted to have been filmed with Jen.’ ‘Sure, some things are private.’ ‘Yes, did I tell you about Jen?’

slash. But I didn’t mind that - I thought why not? - Even when she said something really stupid I’d see the best in her: we talked about travelling and she needed to go on a beach holiday, she said she just wanted to stretch out on the sand all day and read romance novels. And if somebody else had said that, anybody else, I’d have thought you sad fucker, but when Jen said it, well it

Dan shook his head. 191

sounded good and attractive and romantic, part of me even wanted to read one myself.’ Dan smiled; there was a picture in his head of Mart with sunglasses stretching out on sand leafing through a girly chick-lit book. Mart went on, ‘Six months later it began to become clear that we had absolutely nothing in common. She had never even voted not that that changes anything, but she didn’t have a political

‘That’s never good, when they talk about exes.’ ‘Yeah, then there was Vicki.’ ‘Oh yeah, now she was nuts.’ ‘Yeah, I know that, but even today I sometimes think of her, I wonder where she is, how she’s doing, is she still seeing the doctor?’ ‘Yeah,’

bone in her body. It was just because she liked Elvis (and the sex of course) and then she was seeing a mate for the weekend and

Dan yawned, his head began to feel heavy and he realised he was

after that - bit by bit - her books and clothes all started to

fighting to keep his eyes open.

disappear.’ Dan said, ‘Yeah, I did notice, but I didn’t like to say.’

•••

‘She told me she wanted to get rid of all her stuff, she told material things were dragging her down.’ ‘Right.’ ‘But really it was just an exit by stealth.’

Dan became aware that the champagne bottle that had been banging against his ankle had suddenly stopped and that Mart was shaking his shoulder. ‘We’re here, we’ve got fifteen minutes to get the train.’ He pushed a brown envelope into Dan’s hand.

Dan sighed, ‘When I first met Sally she was dating this complete

‘Here are your documents.’ Dan opened the envelope and pulled

fuck-wit. We went on this demo and he burnt my trainers. He told

out some first class tickets and a passport. He flicked to the

Sally it was a “necessary political statement” - tosser. And you

photograph in the back. It was of him with a broken nose and two

know, I think she knew he was just a wanker - but she loved him,

black eyes, nice choice, the name read: Marc Jones. Dan said,

well I think. I tried not to talk about him too much.’

‘Thanks.’ then put the passport into his pocket and thought, Marc 192

with a c, how ridiculous! The driver produced a square black

Dan put his bag on the floor and stretched out on one of the

leather case and gave it to Mart, then said, ‘Good luck sir.’

beds. ‘I didn’t know you could speak French.’ ‘Just a little - enough to get by.’ Mart closed the door and locked

•••

it. Then he laid his bag out on the bed and opened it up. Inside was a laptop and a small camera, then a few shirts and jeans. The rest of the case was rammed with bundles of cash the depth of house bricks.

A coach steward looked at them like they were riff-raff. Mart huffed. As the train pulled out they were looking at the breakfast menu. Less than three hours later they were arriving at Gare du Nord.

Dan gasped, ‘Woahah.’ Mart tossed him a brick, ‘Catch.’ ‘Wow, thanks Mart, it’s just what I always wanted.’

•••

‘From now on you will never use any of your credit cards ever again, you never write a cheque, you never use your mobile. Am I making sense? Am I being clear?’

They walked for twenty-five minutes until they came to Montmartre where they found a backstreet hotel with peeling paint on the door. A woman in her fifties showed them to a room

Dan nodded. ‘Cool, empty out your wallet now.’

with twin beds; the walls were off yellow, the carpet (brown

Mart took Dan’s cards and driving licence and put them in the

flowers) had been warn within an inch of its life and the curtains

ashtray and then set alight to them, the plastic warped and

were the colour of smokers’ lungs.

bubbled, the smoke was black and toxic. He said, ‘I’m sorry but

Martin paid cash, ‘Cest bon merci.’ She rattled something back at him in French.

this needs to be done.’ Dan fingered the brick of cash, the notes has all been used. ‘It’s cool,’ he said, ‘really.’ 193

Mart went on. ‘My driving licence will be found at a train station in Prague later today, next week my credit card will be used to withdraw cash in Amsterdam. That will keep the heat off us.’ He went back to his bag and pulled out the camera and laptop. The top of the camera was no bigger than the thickness of a pen, the

Dan was woken by the smell of coffee, then the curtains opened with a scraping noise, ‘Bonjour - come on Dan, seize the day.’ ‘What time is it?’

wires were enclosed in a thin tube of flesh coloured plastic. ‘Here,’ he said offering Dan a roll of tape. ‘Stick the wires to my

‘Time to get up! I got you some pan au chocolate which is still

back and tape the lens up so it’s sticking out of the side of my

warm, then there are some croissants and coffee, welcome to

neck.’

Paris.’

Dan got off the bed and took the tape. Mart’s skin felt clammy as

Dan went to the bathroom to clean his teeth. He saw that this - at

he pushed the tape down against it. Mart connected the camera

one time - had been a regular double room, but had had a

to his laptop and put it in a backpack, then slipped it on over one

bathroom added to make it en suite, but as a consequence it was

shoulder. ‘What do you think?’

much smaller. He said, ‘I’ll start with a coffee.’

‘Yeah, smart-casual-spy.’

Mart handed him a paper cup, ‘Good choice.’

‘Let’s put it to the test.’

It was an espresso, a coffee so strong it had the consistency of mud. Drinking it was like being kicked in the side of the head by

‘What, now?’

an angry donkey: you were definitely awake, but not quite sure where you were.

‘I can’t think of a better time.’ Dan went back to the bed and lay down, ‘Mart,’ he said, ‘I’m shattered.’

Mart opened his laptop and spun it around then hit play. It was footage of the streets of Montmartre. Mart was walking past rows of sex shops packed with vibrators, magazines and ‘erotic’ paraphernalia. There was a double entry vibrator next to a

•••

pyramid of poppers. Next to that was a black rubber fist that

194

looked like a power salute but was probably designed with an entirely different purpose in mind. Dan finished his coffee, ‘A fist up the bum, that has got to smart.’ The camera was now moving onto another shop, this one full of bongs, pipes and circular hash boxes with the yin-yang symbol on the front. ‘Well,’ said Dan. ‘We appear to have found the right part of town.’

‘So, can you tell me why we’re here?’ ‘We are looking for something.’ ‘Clearly: looking for something to film and broadcast. Mart, I’m not stupid.’ ‘To be honest Dan, I’m not sure myself yet, but we’ll know once we find it, that’s all I can say.’

Mart said, ‘But look at the quality. It’s a clear picture, the image is stabilised with a miniaturised gyroscopic steady-cam, it’s

•••

broadcast quality digital, good enough for News at Ten, good enough for Sky or CNN.’ Dan decided now to go for the pan au chocolate. It was still warm

Dan spent the afternoon exploring Montmartre. It seemed to be

and it was delicious. He said, ‘So Mart, why are we here? I mean I

the French version of Soho, only what was under the counter in

know we are “on the lamb” and everything, but this equipment,

Soho was stuffed in the shop windows at Montmartre. Dan found

the cash?’

himself walking up the same street as Mart had filmed that morning. He looked for the black rubber fist and quickly found it.

‘We just take what we need, no more and no less.’ ‘No Mart, where does it come from?’ ‘A mixture of sources, some is mine, some is donated.’ ‘By?’ ‘I’d be endangering others if I told you, it’s nothing personal I

Even with a whole jar of lube you would still do yourself some serious damage. Next up was a shop full of booths. There was neon outside flashing SEX and EROTIC and there were a set of legs and stiletto boots flashing on and off. On the way back to the hotel he came across a café that looked strangely familiar: the white, the chrome, Gauloises stacked in columns, the lettering of ‘Toilets’ etched in the frosted glass by the bar. It was only when

have protocols to follow Dan, my hands are tied.’ 195

he arrived back at the hotel that Dan could finally place it - as he opened the door he said, ‘Ah, it’s the café from Amelie.’

196

Looking for Trouble

The next two weeks were spent scanning for gendarme action. Dan became hypnotised by the flashing lights that tirelessly searched for police tit-bits. When they hit police gold the line of lights would light up and though a thin static crackle a voice would shout in French.

Mart had been out shopping, a large flat screen and keyboard had appeared on the small dresser, there was a crackling radio with a row of flashing red lights and there was also a large cork board with a map of Paris on it and pins awaiting placement in

‘That sounds good,’ said Dan. ‘Just a traffic pile-up at Arc de Triomphe.’ ‘Right.’

clusters at the side. An hour later there was more urgent shouting. Dan went to talk and then realised that his jaw was open, ‘What? Where? And now I think about it why?’

‘Just a shoplifter,’ said Mart.

‘Hi Dan,’ said Mart. ‘Do I not keep on saying to you that we are

At the end of the second day the radio was quiet for a long time

not alone, that we have friends?’

then there was a single faint voice.

‘But Mart, this is serious kit.’ The lights on the radio flashed up

Mart grabbed the camera and laptop and stuffed them into a

and a voice crackled in French. ‘Bad reception though.’

backpack, ‘This is what we’ve been waiting for, come on Dan.’

‘It’s a police radio - le gendarmes.’

‘What did it say?’

‘Oh - is that legal?’

“‘We are going to have an education party with the hippies at Sacre-Coeu’ it’s the church just up the hill, come on, run.’

And they both laughed. As Dan turned to lock the door he could hear the static crackle, then he saw the row of flashing red lights, he paused. ‘Should I turn the radio off?’ 197

Mart was shouting, ‘Come on!’ He locked the door.

She said her name was Rose, Rose like the flower. She said how she’d been sitting on the grass smoking when the policeman came up. He’d told them to get off the grass, but the five of them gave him the finger.

They arrived too late. Just five protesters remained, sat on the grass quite still. Three girls and a boy: all teens. Their eyes were big with shock and their faces pale. One of the girls had whiteblond backcombed hair, a green combat jacket with a peace symbol on it and heavy black eyeliner. Her face was splashed with blood that had become smeared across her cheek. She was

Mart drew circles in the air with his index finger, ‘keep going.’ Rose said, ‘Ten minutes later he come back with ten police who’d circled them. It was horrible, they just came at us with no mercy, I begged them to stop.’ She started to cry and the tears mixed with blood and snot, but she was still somehow beautiful.

the best looking of the group or as journalists say - ‘most

Mart said, ‘It’s in the can, we’ve got to go.’ He turned to Rose.

photogenic’. Her hair and the blood made here the natural first

‘We will make sure the world will hear your story.’

choice to interview. Dan said, ‘Do you speak English?’ she did. Mart cut in, ‘We’re an independent revolutionary undercover film

Half an hour later, back at the hotel Mart was checking and editing the footage while Dan used a pay-as-you-go videophone to pitch to news stations.

crew, can you tell us what happened?’

There was interest from ITN.

‘But you have no camera.’

Dan did a quick intro while Mart used the videophone to connect

Mart said, ‘We have, but it’s a spy camera, here look.’ He pointed to the lens, no wider than a pen. ‘Alright.’ Mart said, ‘Ok Dan, we are on camera.’

the laptop to the internet. The file took a long time to send and dropped out twice. ‘Fuck,’ said Mart, but on the third attempt it was sent. He called the news desk to confirm it had arrived then wiped the laptop clean.

‘Just in your own time,’ said Dan. 198

Dan went to the bathroom, his face was pale while the front and the armpits in his shirt were dark with sweat. He felt fantastic -

•••

alive, ‘Fuck, I can’t believe we just did that.’ Mart’s voice boomed through the wall, ‘And this is just the fucking beginning.’

Mart handled the media failure by acquiring more cutting edge video equipment and upgrading his computer. He got the biggest computer monitor money could buy and more VRAM than you •••

could shake a stick at. He got a television and patched in a small box to provide broadband, ‘Faster for video.’ he said. The camera was so large you needed to perch it on your shoulder. ‘It’s a bit of

Three hours later Mart flicked his phone open and went to the

a dinosaur, but there will be times when people need to see the

news site expecting to see the film as the first item. It was not

camera.’

and nor was it the second or the third. With each item his face slowly melted from euphoric to depressed. He flipped the phone closed then opened it again, dialed and asked for the news desk, ‘My name is… yeah, ok I’ll hold.’ He paced up and down the

The hotel room slowly started to take on the look of Mart’s old bedroom. A few outdated circuit boards even began to appear on the wall.

small room for ten minutes, his body straight and stiff.

Dan was sent out on a quest to get a second-hand motorbike.

Occasionally he’d say things like, ‘Yeah, I’m still holding.’

Mart instructed him: ‘no questions and no paperwork.’ Dan

Eventually a new voice crackled though the handset. Mart

picked up a local free paper and found an old Lambretta in cream

stamped his foot down and spun on his heel, ‘Yeah, yeah the

and blue with a mod sticker on the side and too many wing

clubbed kids. That’s us… yeah.’ As he listened his legs buckled

mirrors. The man selling it had a bad haircut and three days of

and he fell on the bed. Finally he said, ‘Thanks,’ and he let the

stubble, his English was poor but he managed, ‘Cest, how you

phone drop to the floor. ‘There was no evidence,’ he said. ‘We

say, collector’s item.’ Dan said he’d pay double the asking price if

had no evidence that that it was the police who carried out the

there were no questions, no paperwork and that the bike would

beating. How could we have been so stupid?’ Dan realised that

be reported stolen in a month. He produced a small brick of cash

this was a rhetorical question. 199

and the seller’s English suddenly improved, ‘whatever you want man, enjoy the wheels.’ After driving back to the hotel and parking Dan saw a newspaper with a collection of Prime Ministers on the front. They were all cheesy PR shots, smiling to the camera or shaking hands, the headline read ‘Summit’.

‘I couldn’t tell you before.’ ‘I read the paper, it’s not big deal.’ ‘Right. We haven’t had the practice I’d hoped for, but the word is it’s going to be big.’ He went to the map and placed pins around the centre of Paris. ‘The troops want to seal off the central business district so none of the world leaders need to see people using their democratic rights to protest. It’s in this police ring that

That night the scanner picked up a police call for back up. Dan and Mart had heard this type of call before, but there was urgency in the voice, so they decided to follow up. ‘Where is it?’ Dan said, ‘Gare Saint Lazare, I’ll drive.’ ‘Let’s do it.’

the action is going to take palace.’ Dan nodded. That night he dreamt of the riot. Smoke, tear gas and an army of police in full riot gear, balaclavas, helmets, masks and clubs. There were so many of them they looked like a special effect created with mirrors. One stepped forward, walked right up to Dan, took his helmet off then lifted his balaclava. At first Dan thought he was looking at a man with a big red bushy beard, but

Mart packed the camera equipment and tore down Boulevard de

when he saw the fangs he knew it was Fox, ‘Dan, everybody gets

Clichy screaming the gears. But when they arrived it turned out to

what they wish for.’ Then he put his mask and helmet back on

be a damp squib, no more than a fender-bender with locals

and stepped back into the line.

shouting the odds and a junior gendarme who had felt out of his depth.

That night Mart said, ‘You know it’s the Summit tomorrow.’ Dan nodded. 200

Man Bites Dog

that’s what the media will be looking for, the unexpected: you know, like you said, we should expect the unexpected.’ Mart’s lips tightened, ‘So you’re suggesting?’ ‘That we go to the most peaceful upbeat hippy-dippy-happy

Mart flipped the phone closed. I’ve just got new information, Mart

protest and we cross our fingers.’

stuck his finger on the map and said, there will almost certainly

‘You’re talking about the pink party which is here.’ He pointed to

be trouble here.’ He got a pen and drew a skull and crossbones

the south of the city and stuck a pink pin in then drew a flower.

to emphasise the point. ‘Lots of anarchists are going who frankly - like a scrap.’

‘Ok,’ said Dan. ‘Let’s go.’

Dan shrugged his shoulders, ‘So, ok, you find riot central, but what’s the point - I mean really? You are just going to get pictures of thugs - with respect - having a go at riot police and then getting the shit beaten out of them: that’s not news.’

They loaded up the equipment (including both the big and spy camera) then biked across town until they passed a woman in a furry leopard skin jerkin and bright pink hot pants. She was

Now it was Mart’s turn to shrug his shoulders, ‘That’s the State

holding hands with a six-foot fairy - with huge wings and a beard

being oppressive, that’s what we’re here to get.’

- dressed in skin-tight pink sequins. Dan tapped Mart’s shoulder, ‘I think we’re close.’ Five minutes later the crowd got so thick

Dan shook his head, ‘No we’re not, we are here to get images out

they had to abandon the Lambretta against a tree.

to the international news media. Look Mart…’ he suddenly felt as though he was on a roll. ‘Anarchists bait police and get beaten up, that’s a dog bites man story.’ ‘And that means?’

Dan said, ‘This is great, get the camera out.’ ‘Really? Who are we going to sell this to, the Pink Paper?’ But Dan had hit his stride. ‘We could try them with a few screen

‘You know the ordinary the every day. We’re looking for a man

grabs if you wanted. Come on, seriously Mart, this is it: trust me,

bites dog story: something unusual, something unpredictable,

this will sell, these are great images.’ 201

A gang of bikini clad teenagers walked past in sequined flip-flops.

could see beads of sweat on their brows and a mean look in their

They’d painted each other in pink day-glow paint, flowers

eyes.

radiated out from their bellybuttons then messages were written on their stomachs: Peace and Love and Harmony. Dan said, ‘Get that on film.’ ‘What why?’ ‘Because it’s Man bites Dog. I tell you: that’s a front page image just walking past us now.’ ‘Fine.’ They ran ahead and Mart set up the camera while Dan went over and did a mini interview. The teen with ‘Love’ across her chest held up two fingers and said (in a très sexy French accent) ‘We want peace, and love and harmony.’ Then she reached into a bag and scattered a fist full of pink glitter over Mart. As they walked further the pink got thicker. There were men in pink jumpsuits, a giant pink chicken with an air horn and a flock

At this line, where pink met black, radios were gathering, some tiny hand held, some fuck off ghetto blasters. All were tuned to a local dance station. Dan started to nod his head and then said, ‘It’s a carnival atmosphere Mart, keep filming, this is great.’ Mart huffed. A pink fairy with very broad shoulders and a flashing wand walked up and down the line shouting, ‘qu'est-ce que tu fais?’ Dan said, ‘What’s that?’ Mart: ‘What do you want?’ Dan: ‘To know what that fairy is saying.’ Mart: ‘No, that’s what he’s saying to the police, What do you want?’ Dan: ‘Oh, Right.’

of Vegas showgirls decked in fabulous pink feathers - but wearing incongruous steel toe capped boots.

A Vegas showgirl followed, she was throwing handfuls of glitter onto the police and shouting, ‘Êtes-vous heureux?’

The party ended with a wall of riot police. They were so padded they looked square and they were so black they sucked in the light around them. Mart said, ‘This is more like it.’ And moved in for a close up with the big camera. Through the plastic visors you

Dan said, ‘I got that, Are you happy? right?’ Mart nodded.

202

And clearly, the police weren’t even slightly happy: they were not

He wasn’t convinced. ‘Dan, you’ve got to remember while these,’

happy about their lives - at least not today - not happy about

he paused, ‘people are having a party just a mile away we’ve got

being taunted by men who looked just a little bit too good in pink.

politicians and industry leaders chatting about the best ways to

And certainly not happy about being covered in glitter. Even

fuck over the third world and destroy the…’

through the layers of padded gloves Dan could see fingers tightening on metal truncheons.

Dan couldn’t hear the rest of what Mart was saying because the music was now getting so loud, but he got the gist of it and

As more and more ghetto blasters gravitated to the front line the

flashed him a double thumbs up. The ghetto blasters were now

sound developed a good strong base. The painted girls moved to

booming out a remix of I Will Survive, the crowd was going wild.

the front and beckoned the police, ‘Hé, avancez dedans et

Everybody seemed to know the lyrics and they went up to taunt

joignez la partie!’

the police singing, ‘I should have changed that stupid lock, I

Mart translated: ‘Come on and join the party.’ Dan: cool.

should have made you leave the key, if I’d have known for just one second you’ll be back to bother me.’ There was lots of pointing and waving. By the time it had finished there so much glitter had been thrown around that a thin layer had settled on the

Mart lowered the camera from his shoulder and turned to Dan,

ridges of the police helmets and shoulders. There was clapping

‘We’ve hit the steal ring now, you can see the police are four deep

and shouting and carnival whistles were blown far too loud.

here and my information is there are reinforcements around the corner - which include water cannons.’

‘Look,’ Dan said. ‘Riot glam, this is sure to catch on.’

‘So?’

Next up on ghetto blasters was the news. The dancing stopped as everybody got a riot update. Mart translated saying there were

‘So we’ve got the pictures, so these fairies are not going to break

stand-offs all over the city, but nothing big had kicked-off yet.

that police wall - they’ve come here to party not riot. So let’s go back to the bike and find some real anarchist action.’

When the music came back on it was a thumping French number, the DJ had changed and so had the tone: what had been happy

‘Hey Mart, just chill and go with it. It’s a party join in - and

house was now angry techno. Three fairies dressed like pink

something big is going to kick off soon - don’t you feel it?’

meringues went up to riot helmets. One asked, ‘Vous voulez 203

danser?’ Another said, ‘Wolonté vous dormez avec moi ce soir?’

Now the fairy was slowly and deliberately rising up out of the

But the police held the line, they stayed tight.

bow, he stretched up, leaned over to the police line and planted a

‘Come on,’ said Mart putting the camera down again. ‘You’ve had

kiss on the front of a riot police visor.

your fun, now let’s go where there’s a chance of some action.’

Blink.

‘Can’t you feel it?’ said Dan. ‘It’s about to kick off? Keep the

The fairy was arching up violently, his face flicking up to the sky,

camera running.’

showering out spit and blood and teeth, then he fell into the arms

Mart shook his head. ‘I need to save the battery, anyway this is all a bit samey.’

of the crowd and was lowered to the floor. A circle of people gathered around his body as the riot policeman slowly lowered his truncheon; he looked to the right and then to the left and then

‘Turn it on and keep filming.’ Dan pointed into the crowd at a new

took a single step forward, then another. The others followed him

fairy. ‘You see him, the tall one?’

and what had been a static line became a moving arrowhead that began to slice into the protesters. Lines of truncheons were being

‘Who?’ ‘That fairy: see that guy, he looks like he might actually be a dancer the way he’s moving - he’s in a pink leotard and tutu.’ This guy was cutting through the crowd with a pas de bourree, which

lifted up and slammed down on heads, necks, shoulders and ribs. Radios and ghetto blasters were being trampled into scrap. The cops were on a mission to destroy anything pink, anything that wanted peace or that played dance music.

took him right up to the line of riot police. Then he spread his

Most of the protesters at the front wanted to retreat but they

arms out wide and dropped into a deep (and sarcastic) bow. Even

found they were trapped by a surge from the back. Dan held Mart

as he bent down he looked tall and his arms and legs rippled with

steady against the violent ebb and flow of the crowd. ‘Whatever

muscle.

happens keep filming.’

Mart shifted in his bag and said, ‘It’s all going on the hard disk.’

Mart said nothing. He was taking it all in, scanning, zooming,

‘Cool, keep with it.’

panning. He hissed, ‘Guide me, we need to fall back.’ The sun flared off a police visor as it turned in their direction, two riot police jumped forward and grabbed the lens of the camera. 204

The mini tug of war between the police and Mart lasted a little

There was shouting from below, Dan looked to see a glove was

over three seconds, then the hi-tech camera was thrown to the

pointing right at them. ‘Shit Mart, I think they’ve seen the second

ground and transformed into scrap.

camera.’ A helmet was being boosted up. Dan shouted ‘Press’ at

Mart turned around. Dan said, ‘Fuck, all our footage.’

him and when that didn’t work he lowered himself down on his left leg, swung his right leg out and whacked the helmet like a croquet hammer. They connected - crack - and the body fell to the ground.

Mart pointed to a tree and said, ‘Let’s go. Now. Mart looked down from the camera, ‘They are going to fucking kill Dan boosted Mart up, then Mart pulled up Dan. After he got his

us now.’

balance he looked down and saw a padded riot glove pointing at them, a minute later they were surrounded.

Dan said, ‘I thought you wanted me to stop them.’

‘It’s Ok, Dan shouted, we’re journalists, nous sommes des

Now six of France’s toughest riot police were looking up at the

journalistes.’

tree like a pack of dogs chasing a couple of kittens. They were shouting at each other, there was angry pointing and gesturing.

‘Oh, nice one Dan.’ And Mart was right: these police had thrown

One turned and left the group; the climber dusted himself off and

away the rulebook.

made a second attempt. This time Dan waited until he’d got a

Dan looked around, with all the riot gear and pink dresses it looked as though the third world war had just kicked off in a child’s toy box. But it was also clear that the police line had been

hand on the first branch, then he stamped on his glove as hard as he could. There was a scream followed by a dull thud as the padded body hit dirt.

weakened.

‘I’ve got the footage,’ said Mart.

Mart took his bag off, unbuckled the strap then hung it from a

‘Fantastic.’

branch. He then untaped the camera from his body. ‘Dan,’ he said, ‘You’ve got to hold them off.’ As Mart started to film a small

‘I’ve used my phone to connect to the web and I’m sending it, but

section of rioters charged the police line and broke through, the

it’s going to take time - perhaps twenty minutes. You’ve got to

steal ring had been breached.

keep holding them off.’ 205

‘No problem.’ But the next time Dan looked up he saw a water cannon headed in their direction. He went to warn Mart but he’d already seen it. They both knew the game was over. Dan shouted, ‘We’re really sorry and we’re coming down to talk,’ the words sounded absurd the moment they left his mouth. It was now suddenly clear to both Dan and Mart that the police didn’t want to talk, and they didn’t want them to come down from the tree either - at least not climb down. The one Dan had kicked in the head and stamped on the hands had eyes that were crinkling with a vicious smile. He pointed at Dan then pointed to himself as if to say, you’re mine mate. Mart said, ‘Even if there is no tear gas in the water the force will knock us out of the tree.’ ‘Thanks Mart, that’s really helpful, it’s great to be so well informed.’ Then Dan went to the lowest branch, waved an arm through the air and shouted. ‘We surrender - really. We give up. You can arrest us if you want.’ The water hit them like a baby tsunami.

206

The Comfort of

Dan turned his head. The voice was coming from the next bed.

Strangeness

‘Attitude problem!’

‘Sally, is that you? Mart?’ From the top of the next bed he saw a ginger snout and two fangs. ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘It’s you.’

‘What?’ A paw appeared over the tubes of chrome at the side of the bed and Fox’s head leaned over. ‘And I thought you’d be pleased to

Everything hurts, so I’m awake, I’m alive, I’m breathing. Dan opened his eyes and institutional lighting pressed against the backs of his eyes, so much pain; his legs, his ribs, his face, even his retinas ached. He went to talk but there was just a rasping noise, something was jammed in this throat, a tube? He went to touch it but his arm didn’t work, didn’t move. Sally was shouting, ‘Yes I am guilty, guilty…’ Dan had to breathe but breathing hurt. ‘Sally? I miss you.’ Everything was white; he closed his eyes and purple dots danced on the insides of his eyelids.

see me.’ Dan slumped back, ‘Right. Well I am dying aren’t I? That’s why you’re here isn’t it? Your face - rather your snout - will be the last thing I see.’ ‘Stop being such a drama queen, you’re not going to die. Well you will, but not for some time - if you know what I mean. No, I’ve come to cheer you up.’ ‘What? You are joking.’ ‘It’s funny you should say that, because as I was coming here I met this man who had been working in a bar.’ ‘Was the bar in the riot?’ ‘No, well yes if you want, anyway this is before the riot so that

‘Hey Dan, wake-up-wake-up.’

doesn’t really matter.’

207

Dan could smell Fox’s breath; it was decaying garbage, old cat

always been broke - so I wished for a magic pocket that would

food and milk on the turn.

always have exactly the right amount of cash in it. And the

‘Stay with me Dan.’ ‘Oh sorry.’

Barman said, good choice what about the other two wishes? And the man says, I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy!’ Fox started to laugh hysterically, he was hugging his stomach

‘So this barman says to me, “When I was working last week this

with his little paws and the skin around his muzzle had flopped

man came in with an ostrich and a cat and he orders three drinks.

back revealing a set of menacing yellow fangs. ‘Dan, do you get

The ostrich thanks him but the cat is really arsey, it scowls and

it? Do you get it Dan, Dan, Dan, hello, hello, hello.’”

says, I’m not getting the next round in. The man says, how much is that? So I tell him and he sticks his hand in his pocket and pulls out the exact money.”’ Dan says, ‘Was that a joke?’ ‘Then the barman goes on, he says, “The next day the same thing happened again, this very same bloke comes in, ostrich on his left grumpy cat on his right - who still won’t get the drinks in. The man orders and hands over the exact money.”’ Dan inhaled to protest but Fox cut him off.

‘Ah you are awake, English I presume?’ As the doctor lent over Dan, the bottom of his stethoscope fell down onto the bed. He wiggled the tube around Dan’s neck. ‘You are very lucky.’ This, no doubt, was some sort of foreign luck. French luck was clearly different to the English sort. In England you won the lottery or pulled. In France you were knocked out of a tree with an icy blast of water and were riot mashed. Dan went to scratch his nose. There was clinking - metal against metal, he looked down and could see both his wrists were handcuffed to the metal rail of

‘Third day: same as the first two, only this time the barman asks,

the bed. He tried to ask about Mart but it just came out as a

“what’s the deal here?” and the man says, What, oh the cat and

strangled croak.

the ostrich and the money? And the barman nods - very casually like they are talking about the weather or a football result. Then

‘Don’t try to talk, we’ll look at removing the tube tomorrow. And

the guy with the ostrich and the cat says, it’s like this: I found a

these…’ the doctor tapped Dan’s left wrist, ‘…a necessity I’m

lamp and rubbed it, the genie gave me three wishes: and I’ve

afraid. And the moment you can talk the people who put them on are going to want to have a word with you.’ 208

Dan sighed, relaxed into the white sheets of the bed and closed

‘The uniform with all the medals is a big policeman and he is soon

his eyes.

going to be without a job. The police want to talk with you, you know.’

He was woken by Sally’s voice again, then he peered into the next bed expecting Fox, but it was empty. He went to slap himself to see if he was awake, there was a clanking and he remembered the cuffs and sighed. He looked up - it really was

Dan lifted his arms to display the cuffs. As if to say, I know. In a moment of optimism it occurred to him that it could go either way, he just might be a hero for identifying rogue riot police flouting orders, losing the plot and letting all the protesters in.

Sally. Her voice was coming from a television mounted on the

The nurse got a sponge and a bucket, ‘You’ve been here for four

wall. What was she saying? His eyes wouldn’t focus. He inhaled

weeks and a policeman has been always at your door.’

and the world slowly pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle. Sally was in the hanger, she was saying something about a greater justice, ‘the game isn’t over yet and pieces are still in play.’ Then it was back to the anchor and another story about the riots. The French was too fast for Dan to catch but he recognised the footage: police whacking peace fairies like it was going out of fashion and, in the background, Dan could see protesters flowing into the broken ring. As if to emphasises the point the film froze and a shaky circle was drawn around the broken defence ring. It then cut to an interview with some top police brass – he had so many medals he appeared to be leaning down on one side. A nurse came over to change Dan’s drip. ‘You’re awake?’

Four weeks! ‘Your tube will come out later today and they will talk with you.’ Dan pulled back as she lifted the sheet and pushed the warm sponge against his stomach. His ribs were covered in a patchwork of brown and yellow bruises. ‘No need to be shy, I’ve been washing you for weeks. And I wash everybody, young men, old men, women and sometimes even babies, the rich, the poor…’ Now she was working up to his shoulders and neck. ‘…I wash them all.’ She moved down to his arm and then stopped at the tattoo. ‘This I like,’ she said, ‘I saw the film, and my son, he reads the comics. But what does this mean? What is says underneath…’ her voice dropped to a whisper. It was difficult to read through the bruising at first, but now I can read ‘…the Unfinished Universe.’

Dan nodded at the television. 209

Dan felt himself flush, pinpricks of sweat covered his face and

flat lined and alarms started to go off around the ward. She

then there was a wave of nausea. He shrugged his shoulders in a

winked again - and this time Dan got it. He choked, arched his

way he hoped was nonchalant.

body and twisted his face into a death grimace. Deborah went

‘Don’t you go beetroot on me. I know who you are.’ Dan looked at the doorway.

right up to the gendarme and barked at the poor boy so viciously he dropped his notepad in the hurry to unlock the cuffs. Dan let his body slump back and relax, he rolled his eyes up and let his tongue stick out of his mouth. He watched as nurse Deborah held

‘No, they don’t know, they suspect, but they don’t know - my

back the gendarme with an authoritative raised palm and a few

name is Deborah by the way.’

sharp words. After a lift ride and two long stretches of corridor the bed was turned sharply right, they were in a small square room full of folded uniforms and toilet paper.

When the tube was removed it felt like the lining of Dan’s trachea was being sanded down. His first word - ‘Fuck’ - was horse and weak. As promised the uniform appeared. The gendarme had the before skin of an acne advert - and (Dan reflected) he didn’t look

The nurse peered over Dan’s head, ‘I know who you are Dan Strong. I’ve seen you on television.’ Dan played dumb.

old enough to order a beer. He opened a notepad then proceeded to fire off a series of dumb questions; name, age, place of

‘And I’ve seen the tattoo, so don’t deny it. They show it on TV all

habitation. Dan felt relief, these were the questions you asked

the time, the trial is now on.’ She reached into her pocket and

when you didn’t know anything. Dan thought, is this just the

passed Dan a bottle of pills. ‘Take one every two hours for the

warm-up act? Or have I slipped through the net, got confused

pain. And here…’ she reached under the bed and passed him a

with the other rioters? He looked at his cuffs, no, this was just the

plastic bag. ‘…what’s left of your clothes, you can change in here.

warm-up more grown-up gendarmes with more grown-up

You have just ten minutes and I’ll tell the policeman you

questions would be coming soon.

recovered and I was overpowered. You have some money in your jeans pocket - not much - just enough for a sandwich and a

Nurse Deborah returned, she smiled at the gendarme and he

metro ticket.’ She leaned closer and planted two kisses on either

blushed and looked at the floor. She moved to the head of the

cheek, ‘Bon chance Dan Strong.’

bed and winked at Dan then gave him a nod. His heart monitor 210

There was a tap on Dan’s shoulder he looked around to see a Dan’s clothes looked like they had been ironed by angry elephants. He felt in his pocket and pulled out some cash folded into a tight square. His first impulse was to get as far away form the hospital as he possibly could in the shortest possible time. But as he approached the door he realised he had nowhere to go.

man, mid fifties with grey stubble. Half his face looked like a lamppost had hit it. He slurred something in French, which Dan didn’t understand, and then he just stood there swaying. Dan said, ‘Non, pardon.’ And went back to the keyboard hoping the man would go away.

Mart was the great organiser, the man with the plan, the man with

The library at the Unfinished Universe had changed dramatically,

the contacts and for that matter the man with the cash too. Was

what had been a poky room now seemed to stretch on for

Mart still in Paris? Was he - indeed - alive?

hundreds of metres. When Dan moved the mouse over the

Dan passed a small refectory, there were glass topped tables with monitors beneath them. The internet. He bought thirty minutes and went to the Unfinished Universe site. He logged in on the home page expecting the rooms to be empty as usual, but at reception, when he rang the bell, an automated concierge told

shelves book spines grew out of the shelves: An Anarchist’s Kitchen, The Real Protest and Survive - The Fine Art of Rioting, and Fight Strategies - What They Don’t Want You To Know About Tear Gas were just three of the colourful titles. Again a banner asked users to submit their own books in PDF format.

him that the hotel was operating on a one-in-one out basis. Dan

The computer screen flashed once to indicate his time was

rapped his fingers as his internet minutes slipped away. The fifth

running out. The library was full of avatars like him, but one

time he rang the bell the concierge told him to go into the cinema.

looked a little more rounded, more human, he was sitting down

Dan walked through a virtual door and the screen changed. The cinema was rammed with Lego-like avatars. There were two movies on a continuous loop. The first was the jets demo and the second was the police line being broken - each had been edited down to about five minutes. When the films finished a banner

and reading a book. Dan went up to him and typed, ‘Is that you Mart?’ a speech bubble appeared out of his mouth and Mart put his book down but said nothing. The screen flashed twice, and Dan went up and nudged Mart. A speech bubble read, ‘I am out of the office, please call back later.’ And the screen blinked blank.

flashed over the top of the screen asking users to send in their

Dan sighed and looked around the café, it was a shock to be

own film for future screenings. Dan left the cinema, where would

popped back into the real world. The man with the smashed-in

Mart be? The library.

face and grey stubble had gone. Dan looked through the window, 211

he was on the ground floor, outside two chefs were smoking roll-

Mart swung the door wide. His eyes were bloodshot and his face

ups. Dan saw they’d used a fire door which was now held open

was bruised. The room was a mess of junked computer

with a bucket - result.

equipment. ‘Yeah this is how I found it. I think the owner heard the police scanner – whatever, it doesn’t matter. You know that the film got out, that we did it?’ •••

‘Yeah, I saw it on the TV at hospital.’ Dan looked around at the room, his bed was full of supermarket bags, filled with cleaning materials; dusters, drain cleaner, bleach, paraffin and firelighters.

The Metro was closed with metal shutters so Dan walked, shops

A bag of incongruous tennis balls was next to three large boxes

and bars were boarded up and litter swirled in the streets like

of matches and a large spool of metal wire for hanging pictures.

tumbleweed. Dan looked up, the sky was post-apocalyptic grey.

There was also a large packet of wood shavings - the sort you put

Bang, from above Dan’s head a shutter slammed closed. A

down for hamsters - and next to that there was a gas mask

newspaper cartwheeled down the street. Its pages were full of riot

covered in flaking pink paint. On the bedside table were some

scenes and on the front cover it read ANARCHY.

printouts that looked like lists - or recipes - that had been ticked

It took two hours to walk back to the hotel. When Dan came to the front door he saw the blue Lambretta in the gutter, it’s chrome

off. Dan said, ‘How did you get out of hospital?’

wing mirrors were now battered out of shape. Reception was deserted; Dan pushed an abandoned maid’s trolley to get to the

‘It was chaos - nobody knew what they were doing. I rolled out of

stairs. The door was locked and there was a do not disturb sign

bed, took a stethoscope and picked up a white coat, then

hooked on the handle.

waltzed out.’ He paused then added, ‘I knew you would be ok.’

Dan knocked. ‘It’s me - Dan.’

‘Yeah.’

The door opened a crack. ‘Are you alone?’

‘They never found the laptop, so I climbed the tree and recovered it - the bike works too, just.’

‘Yeah, I don’t think there is anybody left in the whole hotel.’ Dan pointed to the bed, ‘Been shopping then.’ 212

‘Yeah.’ ‘What are you up to?’

Dan looked around the room, there was a sachet of coffee and sugar. He tore the corners off both and empted them onto the table. ‘The question, you’ve got to ask. The question I always ask

‘What do you think?’ Dan shrugged his shoulders and Mart went

myself is this: could that coffee and the sugar only have landed in

on. ‘Do you remember when I told you this was bigger than the

this pattern at this particular time? A unique pattern that can

two of us?’ He started to pace up and down the room, his boots

never be repeated or is it just random?’

crushing the fragments of circuit board into the carpet. ‘Yeah.’

As Mart moved over to Dan he was reaching for the coil of picture wire. ‘Dan you’ve got to pick a side, you can’t stay sitting on the fence forever, you know it’s just us and them out there, they have

‘Well now is the time Dan.’ ‘The time for what?’ ‘Payback, those pigs who put you in hospital, I’m going to do the same to them.’ ‘What?’ ‘Yeaah, remember these were the fascists that did the military two-step over your face and a lot of other people too – all of whom were legitimately protesting.’ ‘So what? You’re going to blow-up a… ’

the power and we are going to take it from them: it’s as simple as that, it’s dog eat dog.’ There was shouting outside - chanting - Dan went to the window then pulled back sharply, his eyes streaming with tears, he bent over double and wretched saliva. Mart passed him a handkerchief full of sliced onions, ‘Hold this under your face. And to answer your question, it’s a random pattern, they just fell that way, there’s no invisible hand at work, it just happens, life just happens and then you have to get on with it.’ When Dan could see again the shouting had got closer. Mart had gone back to his pacing. ‘There are cracks in the system Dan,

‘It’s time for an eye for an eye: the police killed five people that

and it’s up to us to squeeze into them and force them open.’ Dan

day - and three more while you’ve been laid-up in your hospital

nodded, his eyes were still streaming with tears but the stabbing

bed - so they’ve made themselves a legitimate military target.’ He

pain was easing. ‘You hear that shouting? That’s a revolution and

stopped pacing. ‘Do you have a problem with that?’

it’s coming this way. It’s hundreds of people calling for change, thousands saying that this country, this world should be run for 213

the benefit of the people. The question – the real question - you should be asking yourself right now is: are you with us or against us?’ Dan looked up, Mart appeared blurred and glistening through his tears, he shrugged his shoulders and Mart shouted. ‘Well tell me right now, whose side are you on?’ ‘I’m on side of truth and justice.’ It was a reflex answer - a stupid answer, and not the answer Mart wanted to hear. He hit the onions away from Dan, then pushed him back into a chair and tied his arms with the metal wire. His legs were next, Dan kicked but it was token. Martin dug into a pile of computer debris and pulled out a metal box about the size of a house brick. He ran an index finger along a sharp side and turned to Dan. ‘I’m afraid your time is up. I’m really sorry.’ He held the metal box in his right hand and leaned back like he was going to throw a javelin. Dan ducked so hard the chair fell over. There was the sound of broken glass and the first wave of full-strength fumes started to cover Dan. The last thing he saw - before his eyes swelled with tears - was Mart putting on the gas mask - there was so much water it was like looking at Mart sinking to the bottom of a swimming pool. Dan listened to the Lambretta being kicked into life. The engine revved, the tyres screeched, then the motor became more distant. Five seconds later the windows filled with a flash of bright light, then there was the sound of a horn and breaking glass.

214

Home

‘Take a seat.’ Minutes later a man said, ‘Dan Strong?’ This new policeman had eyebrow hairs sprouting in thick clusters - thick as fuse wire, and his forearms were bench-press muscular. He said, ‘I thought she was taking the piss, but it’s really you.’

After passing customs at Gatwick Dan sandwiched his passport between the pages of a newspaper, folded it into four and placed into a bin. He got the train to London, it was like he was going

Dan looked up. ‘Yes, it’s me.’ ‘Right then, you’d better come this way.’

home, but he wasn’t. He went to the toilet and saw his eyes were still badly bloodshot. He reached down and rubbed his ankles

Dan passed through the door and saw that beneath the hair of

and then his wrists, the skin had started to scab over. At Victoria

the muscular arm was a biro tattoo in the shape of a dagger, there

he walked past two transport police and resisted the urge to hand

were splodges of greeny-grey on the blade, which Dan guessed

himself in. Then he walked past Buckingham Palace, up through

were drops of blood.

Green Park to Piccadilly then up further to Marylebone. This was it, but internal voice told him to step away, told him it was not too late, he could do a U-turn, spin on the ball of his foot and be out of there, be away. Even after passing through the door the voice in his head was pleading, it’s not too late: Ask for instructions to the nearest phone box, or a toilet, or the time - anything. Behind

‘Would you like my boot laces?’ ‘What?’ ‘My boot laces and my belt, in case I - you know - attempt suicide.’

the counter was a WPC with three stripes on her epaulettes. ‘Can

The fuse wire eyebrows joined together in consideration, ‘Yes, I

I help you?’

think so.’

‘My name is Dan Strong. I believe there is a warrant out for my

Dan removed his belt with one smooth movement but the

arrest.’ He meant for the words to come out strong and deep, but

eighteen-eyed boots took considerably longer. Without laces his

his voice skidded up an octave on name, then warbled on

boots flopped around like too big Wellington boots. He clomped

warrant, and dropped to a whisper for the rest of the sentence.

into the cell. The thick door closed behind him and the tumblers 215

of the locking mechanism were pushed into place with a key. Dan

As Dan took the cup he could see an eye, nose and the top lip of

sat on a wooden ledge the size of a single bed and looked down

a mouth in the hatch - perhaps mid-thirties. ‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘I

at his feet.

was gasping.’

As he saw it there were two lines of defence: the first was that he

The face pulled away then some paper and a pen was pushed

was a good apple that had fallen into a barrel of bad bananas.

through the hatch. ‘Here, could you sign this for my wife? Make it

But now, in the holding cell, this seemed painfully naive; it was a

to Janet with love.’

justification that might have worked in school, but now the stakes had become so much higher. He dragged his heels together on the floor then snapped his toes into line. The second defence was

‘Sure.’ ‘It’s really split the station this has.’

that he was a journalist: an undercover writer researching a story that had become more hands-on than he’d anticipated. Now, this had potential. He leaned back on the ledge and closed his eyes, ah, investigative reporting. ‘I want to write a story with gate in the title.’

‘Oh, right sorry.’ Dan handed the paper back. ‘Well I wish you the best, we should know what’s going to happen in the next few hours, I’ll listen out on the radio and let you know you’ll want to be meeting up with your lady friend again soon I daresay.’

•••

‘Yes, I guess so.’ ‘You guess so! That’s no attitude to have my lad.’

The panel in the cell door clanged open and there was light laughter followed by, ‘I don’t believe it, I don’t fucking believe it. I thought they were pulling my leg, but here you are as plain as day. Here, do you want a coffee? What? Why am I even asking?

‘Oh, yes, right.’ ‘That’s a bit more like it. Now let’s keep our fingers crossed and our peckers up.’

Of course you do.’ Minutes later a polystyrene cup was being

The hatch closed with a grating noise followed by a clang. Dan

pushed through the hatch. ‘It’s just from the machine.’

scratched his head, what the fuck was that all about? 216

‘There’s a good chance that later today they will be found guilty •••

but they’ll just be sentenced to three months, and since they’ve spent more than that on remand they’ll be straight out.’ ‘Right, that simple?’

Dan glanced at the police tape recorder. ‘The rest is dull really. When the protesters came to loot the hotel they found me and cut me free from the chair - I think they assumed that I’d been done over by the gendarmes. Anyway, they liberated me and I fumbled through the hotel debris to find my passport and a bit of cash. A train ride later I was back here.’ The two policemen looked at each other, one said, ‘So you handed yourself in.’

A finger was placed on the tape machine and it clicked off. ‘The riots in Paris have been an important factor. Nobody wants to see that here.’ ‘So what will happen to me?’ ‘Well, don’t leave the country.’ Dan did feel lucky.

‘That’s right, I assumed there would be a warrant out for my arrest.’ ‘Well there is and there isn’t.’ ‘The other policeman said, ‘You’re actually very lucky.’ Dan rolled his eyes to the ceiling and sighed, ’Lucky!’ ‘Yeah, lucky. Very lucky. ‘The trial of your friends is coming to an

Five hours later Flame, Nimrod and Sally came out of the Old Bailey. Their faces were thin and pale but euphoric, like three AM clubbers. They were surrounded in a halo of flashlights and reporters shouting questions, ‘Flame, how does it feel to be out?’ and ‘Sally, what’s the first thing you’ll do?’

end and it’s looking positive for them. The media has been very

Dan watched from the other side of the street. He could see the

sympathetic.’

three were holding hands, but when Sally saw him she broke

‘But they are saying that they did it, they are saying they broke the law, I’m saying I broke the law.’

away and walked over, followed by a few press caught in her slipstream. She buried her face in his chest, and held him. When 217

she pulled back her tears had made a Rorschach pattern in the

Epilogue

fabric of his shirt. She looked up at him and said, ‘Let’s get a room.’ The hotel shower had jets like hot lines of pins, each one searched out the narrow gap between pleasure and pain. Dan opened his mouth and it was instantly filled. Water ran over his lips and down his body. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Mart: the human flame. Dan wondered if he died with the shock of the explosion or if he just managed to stay conscious to see

Notes: I thought of having an epilogue where Mart is buried. So there is simply a description of the coffin being carried. Dan is one of the coffin bearers - perhaps carrying the heaviest edge. He says what a weight Mart is and Flame says, didn’t you know? It’s all sand. Mart’s body was blown to bits, all they could identify him with was a single tooth.

the post he finally crashed into. His eyelids burn. Bang. Dan turned the shower up higher. I have two issues around this, the first is that the reader may have ‘Need me to come and scrub your back?’ Sally had come into the

forgotten that Mart was talking about this earlier in the book and

bathroom with a bottle of fizz. She took a swig and passed it to

the second is that I feel that there should be a price to be paid for

Dan.

what Mart had done and was about to do.

He said, ‘Should you be…?’ She said, ‘It will be fine - just a glass.’ He lifted the bottle up, ‘To Mart.’ She shook her head, ‘No Dan, to us and to the future.’ ‘Sally, I just can’t believe it’s over.’ She took Dan’s hand and rested it on her small bump, then looked up into his eyes and smiled, ‘I don’t think it is.’

218