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G REATE R M ETROWE ST E D ITI O N A P U B L I C AT I O N O F T H E J E W I S H W E E K M E D I A G R O U P Vol. LXX I No. 10 | March 9, 2017 | 11 ADAR 5777
nj j ew is hnews . c o m
2017
Trump praises NJJN Purim spoof edition ‘Lies, biased, and poorly written. It’s perfect.’ NJJN editor tweets that former editor Andrew Silow-Carroll bugged his office Complains wiring under carpet bunches up, causes newspaper to lean left
Charedi Jews decry ‘Women of the Mall’ Highway now on holy ground
Sen. Cory Booker, “Honorary Jew,” celebrates bar mitzvah Former mayor sick of turning down requests to be 10th man whenever he walked past a minyan Success of Israeli team in World Baseball Classic raises suspicion NJJN to investigate whether any players actually from Israel Report: Bergen County Battle of the Bakeries less interesting, tasty than Middlesex Matza Ball Melee Trump insists to national security advisers that ISIS destroyed North Orange & West Brunswick President forgot Ivanka unreachable during Shabbat services Last can of Kosher for Passover tuna blamed for massive fist fight in Millburn ShopRite Three aisles closed indefinitely Israel tourism takes deep hit with Marzipan rugelach sold at Seasons and Cedar Market Consumers complain that prices rival round-trip ticket on El Al Readers of NJJN decry coverage as ‘too local’ ‘Who cares what happens in Summit or Scotch Plains?’ asks longtime subscriber Chabad to open outpost on Moon Experts laud Lubavitch’s conquering final frontier; questions linger over which of six arms alien should use for tefillin JCCs set up special hotline for phone-in threats Would-be bombers urged to be patient if line is busy; each will be handled in turn Kushner high school to change name to Trump High Jealous Golda Och renamed Yeshiva of Putin Mesifta Dems urge Congress to review election results Schumer hires Price Waterhouse, appoints Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway to oversee review Record funds raised to combat BDS But Pew Study finds 97 percent on campus think BDS an underwear brand
Davening for bargains
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newly formed right-wing Orthodox group protested against Women of the Mall, an organization of progressive women seeking to assert their rights to pray for bargains at one of New Jersey’s most holy sites, a Livingston shopping center. The scene of the most recent confrontation is Daven Avenue, off New Jersey Route 10 in Livingston, just west of the Livingston Circle. “It is completely improper for these supposedly Jewish women to gather here,” according to Rabbi Yankel TuFrum. “Besides, everyone knows that the selection at Nordstrom is not what it was, and why do you need to go to DSW when you can get free shipping from Zappos?” A large gathering of women across many Jewish denominations, several wearing prayer shawls and carrying Torah scrolls, gathered last week in the grassy area of the jughandle U-turn under the street sign for the unassuming stretch of off-ramp. “The Jewish word for praying is to ‘daven’,” says Rivkah Roundabout, vice president of Women of the Mall, “and that’s exactly what we intend now and every Rosh
Chodesh [new moon], or whenever there’s a decent sale at Bed Bath & Beyond. We’ve all got our 20 percent coupons ready to go.” Over 75 women crammed into the small field, noting how easy it is to figure out which way is east. The women faced harassment from a charedi group that massed at the gas station across the street, nearly causing a fight, and more importantly to a group of shoppers, a massive traffic jam that led to the closure of the parking lot. They insist that the prayer area at Daven Avenue is an Orthodox synagogue and must be treated as such. Others aren’t so sure. “That double yellow line is barely a kosher mechitzah [partition separating men and women in a synagogue],” said Avraham Hornblowhard, representing the group that calls itself the Men of Route 10. “They can go pray at the southern part of Livingston Avenue.” Both groups are coordinating with Livingston’s mayor and Township Council to formulate a compromise arrangement, but sources within the municipal government contend that legislators have relied on the old joke, “It’s like talking to a wall,” much to everyone’s consternation.
NJ Jewish News ■ Greater MetroWest Edition ■ March 9, 2017
NEW JERSEY JEWISH FAKE NEWS
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NJ Jewish News ■ Greater MetroWest Edition ■ March 9, 2017
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Trump expands brand here and in Israel
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ERUSALEM —Israelis woke up Purim morning to discover that the Western Wall here now bears the name TRUMP KOTEL in giant gold letters resting atop the ancient stone. In a secret deal signed last week, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu sold the historic limestone wall, a 2,000-year-old remnant of the Sec-
change for the American Embassy being moved from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. “Every Israeli knows that Jerusalem is the true capital of our nation, despite what other countries may claim,” Netanyahu declared at a hastily arranged press conference. “The relocation of the American Embassy to the Holy City sends a
New look for Old City: President Trump purchased the Western Wall this week and plans to build Hotel Kotel above it. “All in good taste,” he assured Israelis.
Where’s Teddy? President Trump’s new infrastructure initiative to create jobs includes renovation of Mt. Rushmore. Trump will replace Teddy Roosevelt with his own image. “All in good taste,” he assured Americans. ond Temple in Jerusalem, to U.S. President Donald Trump in ex-
clear message to the world: Israel cannot be bought…unless it’s by
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Donald Trump.” President Trump, elaborating on the agreement in a presidential tweet, said he plans to build a 60-story hotel above the wall. “It will be called the Trump Kotel Hotel,” he said, “and it will be huge— a huge convenience for tourists in Israel who wish to view this bigly sacred site, all done in good taste.” The president said that visitors will be charged a “personal plea fee” to stuff their notes and prayers into the crevices of the ancient wall, which will be renovated so that they can accept all major credit cards for payment. “There’s no conflict of interest because my sons Eric and Don – or Don and Eric, whatever – will profit, not me.” He added that he “worked it all out” with his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, “so it’s all kosher.” The president said the Trump Kotel would also put an end to the ongoing debate about women praying at the holy site. “I’ll build a wall between the women and the men,” Trump vowed, “and the women will
pay for it.” Trump also unveiled plans for the renovation of Mt. Rushmore, the iconic sculpture carved into the mountain in the Black Hills of South Dakota, which presently features George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln. One artist’s rendition shows Trump replacing Roosevelt. “He never did anything anyway except ride around like a fat clown and carry a big stick,” Trump said. “Great American. True hero.” The other drawing shows Trump, wife Melania (“classy broad,” the president noted), daughter Ivanka (“quite the Jewess, right?”), and son-in-law Jared (“fine lad, love the dimples”) in lieu of the four earlier presidents. (“Yeah, they’re fired. The past is history. Who’s gonna notice?”) “It’s part of my infrastructure plan. Lots of new jobs. Everybody happy. And if Congress won’t pay for it, I will,” Trump asserted. “Charge it to Don or Eric. Either one. It’s going to be huge.”
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La Lo Li Land—Inside an Israeli ulpan
Ooh La La Land—King of Persia marries the beautiful Esther Mangrabber by the C—Trump describes his approach to women Hidden Shviggers—Jewish women spy on their sons-in-law Etrogue One—A Sukkot war story Binding Dory—God commands Abraham to sacrifice a fish The Secret Life of Putz—Adventures of a dysfunctional Jewish single Deepwater Verizon—Camera phone secretly records mikvah users The Girl on the Chrain—A child grows addicted to horseradish Pete’s Draggin’—Man suffers from erectile dysfunction Fantastic Beards and Where to Find Them—Walking tour of Crown Heights
Pew spews news of Jews
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ASHINGTON — The Pew Research Institute this week issued yet another study on the American-Jewish community, which it described as “much loved and reviled — and that’s just among its own.” Among the more revealing findings: Ninety percent of Reform Jews said they are committed to tikkun olam but 81 percent wanted to know what that meant in Hebrew. Eighty-seven percent of Orthodox Jews said they see Donald Trump as the potential Messiah if you squint your eyes very tightly, and 74 percent of Conservative Jews believe the Pew Report was divinely inspired but written by men. The next Pew Report on American-Jewish life will deal with two major issues: How Long Do Most American Jews Wait After A Meat Meal On Shabbat Before Checking Their iPhone? and Are Women Permitted To Sit At the Seder If They Have A Yeast Infection? • Correction: The previous joke was awful, even just going by NJJN’s low standards regarding humor. We regret its inclusion. Special thanks to our contributors: Michael Feldstein, Meish Goldish, Gary Rosenblatt, and Jonathan Fox. Art: Dan Bocchino.
Loonmight—Trump attacks his political enemies A Rival—Hillary is defeated again
Trump shuts down Electoral College After Trump U. fiasco, president declares ‘universities, colleges, they’re all rigged’ Hillary Clinton to join nunnery Tells friends: ‘It’s a new form of sisterhood and I will continue my vow of silence. But you can always reach me on email’ Jewish groups angered by White House Purim statement Even Mort Klein upset with declaration that holiday marks ‘ancient Persian event when wide variety of ethnic minorities’ were saved Rabbis to speed up Sabbath services Following Major League Baseball lead, congregants will be granted Intentional Walks to the lobby; speed readers to be hired for Torah portions; spitting, tobacco chewing, and crotch adjustments banned Orthodox group issues landmark report on women OU rabbinic panel permits ‘gals’ to ‘cook, clean, and take Israeli dance lessons’ Trump, Bibi marriage rumors ‘premature’ Admit infatuation, possible engagement, but prime minister acknowledges, ‘The Donald not ready for lasting commitment’
Come Home to Our Village
Pences—Documentary about Vice President’s family Yekkie—Jackie Kennedy Onassis discovers her German roots
In The Theaters Sunset Bulova—Watch beeps when Shabbos starts and ends The Gas Menagerie—Zoo animals are fed chulent Hello, Deli—History of kosher restaurants in NYC Charlie and the Chocolate Matzo Factory—A Passover fantasy
We’re located in the heart of South Orange Village near restaurants, shopping, parks, entertainment, and transportation. Our carefree lifestyle includes a live-in super and available kosher dining.
The Back Page—Israeli troupe performs “The Front Page”
Rent in our 62+ well-maintained community - One bedroom for as low as $1088/month
Area Seniors Are Welcome to Join Us
A Bronx Tallis—Stray prayer shawl found on Mosholu Parkway
Poetry Workshop
Unleash your inner creativity
Come Away Frum—Teens spend gap year in Israel
Tuesday, March 14 (5:30)
Katz—Man recites priestly blessing Dear Evan Chazen—Congregant sends love letter to her cantor Insignificant Brother—Cain and Abel story Sex Degrees of Separation—Jewish couples observe family purity Vicked—Yiddish actors perform “Wicked”
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Sing-a-long Time
Jazz Meets Tin Pan Alley
Tuesday, March 21 (5:30)
Tuesday, March 28 (5:30)
with April Osborne, Coordinator
with Bob Gold
Join our Knitting Club every Wednesday at 4 pm To learn more about these programs call 973-530-3958
Village Apartments of the Jewish Federation Contact Site Manager, Cheryl Kasye: 973-763-0999 110 Vose Ave., South Orange, NJ All Faiths and Beliefs Welcome
Owned and managed by the Jewish Community Housing Corporation of Metropolitan New Jersey
NJ Jewish News ■ Greater MetroWest Edition ■ March 9, 2017
At the Movies
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