VOLUME LI ISSUE V
APRIL 2021
NORTHFIELD MOUNT HERMON
SATIRE ISSUE
Ready for Liftoff After decades of preparation, the NMH Space Program Club is finally ready for its launch to Mars. Photo illustration by Janice Cho ’21. Read more on p.7
APRIL 2021
Redressing the Dress Code On Thursdays, all students are required to wear bell bottoms to class as part of a larger “Throwback Thursday” initiative currently in the administrative pipeline. Students who answer a question incorrectly in class are required to wear a conical hat with the word “dunce” on it in bold black letters for the next day, and students who do answer a question correctly are required to wear a similar hat with the word “nerd” on it. These are just a few of the many changes outlined in the document. For more information, just read it yourself.
By Ryan Kim ’24 Some unexpected news came out of Holbrook Hall this week as NMH radically revised the school dress code. A dean, who wishes to stay anonymous, was quoted saying, “NMH is embarrassed by how lenient the dress code has become in recent years. Seeing the way students here dress compared to places like Deerfield and Taft has been fairly disturbing. We can’t stand for it.” Realizing it may be logistically difficult to implement so much change in a small window of time, and taking inspiration from the atrocious phased COVID reopening plans of states like New York, NMH has decided to put the new dress code into effect in three phases. Likewise, for the ease of those who wish to read the new plan, the changes are available in a 59-page Google Doc in eight-point Comic Sans font. The first phase of the plan, which takes up half of the first page of the document, is scheduled to be implemented by April 26. This phase takes cues from schools like Middlesex, requiring students to wear clothing without logos and reviving the rule of clothing having to end below the tip of a person’s hand when their arm is limp at their side. The latter part of that rule is to be codified as the “middle finger rule.” Phase two, which takes up the next five pages, is scheduled to be implemented by May 1. This phase goes a step further than the first phase
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Editor’s note Elliot Detjens ’22 sets an example for fellow student athletes who will be affected by the new dress code. Photo by Ryan Kim ’24.
in requiring that all students wear dress shirts with ties and dress pants to class. A line of text near the bottom of the third page notes that students may opt to wear a black robe over their shirt and carry a wand to class. The deans also mentioned “We are giving a wide variety of options for our students, to endeavor our goal of being more harry-potter like.” The third phase, which is by far the most ambitious part of the new dress code, takes up the remaining 50 pages of the document. It is to be implemented by February 22, 2022, for reasons not given in the document. In the document, the third phase contains a
lengthy preamble, noting that “while the first two phases of our changes put us on the level of our fellow schools, Northfield Mount Hermon has always sought to go above and beyond.” Pages 8 through 13 deal with students’ hair, specifying that male-identifying students need to comb their hair rigorously before every class. The school also specifies that male-identifying students must apply hair gel, noting that pomade or paste will not suffice. Violating the combing rule results in disciplinary probation, while a violation of the hair gel rule results in automatic expulsion. Female-identifying students, in
the meantime, are required to dye their hair blue and wear it above their head “like Marge Simpson, but two feet taller.” The document continues by specifying that students must wear fake mustaches at formal events, and fake beards on Mountain Day. Despite the lumberjack-esque nature of the fake beards, a full suit or pantsuit is also required on Mountain Day. Student athletes are hampered by a whole other set of rules. Hockey players and other athletes who use padding in their uniforms are required to wear the padding to class over their dress shirt, and baseball and softball players are required to wear their helmets.
This year, The Bridge and The Hermonite combined forces to publish a joint April satire issue. With a newly merged editorial board, doubled number of writers, and staff scattered across the globe, this issue was a hefty task for everyone involved, but it’s finally published, albeit a bit later than usual. It’s still April though — since we started the month off with a day of satire, why not end it with satire as well? We hope you get some good laughs out of this year’s satire issue.
- Janice Cho ’21, Editor-in-Chief of The Bridge, and Bill Wu ’21, Editor-in-Chief of The Hermonite
Alienated on Campus, Congregated off Campus By Cynthia Zhang ’23 “It’s outrageous,” cried Wilson Cheung ’24, after taking three months of on-campus Lab classes — along with 500 other on-campus students. Three months ago, Head of School Brian Hargrove announced that NMH teachers would be joining off-campus students in their respective countries for in-person learning. Students on campus would be enduring an isolated lifestyle by day and taking Lab classes at night taught by teachers in different time zones. The decision was made to expose students on campus to some of the difficulties that off-campus Lab students have long endured. This was good news for off-campus students, but on-campus students — and teachers, who flew to different countries to teach off-campus students in person — were devastated. Although this decision set off a surge of resentment among the on-campus student body, Mr. Hargrove did not budge. Cheung ranted, “It’s not fair. I’m stuck in my own dorm 24/7. I’m texting my friend who lives next door. There is, quite literally, no human interaction.” On a daily basis, on-campus students are prohibited from talking to each other and obligated to stay in their rooms at all times. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are brought to their rooms. Shared facilities, such as the RAC, library, gym, or Blake,
Scary city. Illustration by Chau Anh Nguyen ’22.
are out of bounds. Cheung, whose voice represented many on-campus students, believed that this decision was “outright unjust.” He came to NMH precisely for the in-person experience but now, he can’t even go back to Hong Kong. “It’s even more miserable for us than for the students who previously did off-campus Lab. At least they were free to roam around their cities. It’s like we’re stranded on an island — no, an archipelago — where everyone’s separate from one another.”
“We’re sitting here with huge eye bags and cups of coffee — yes, at least there’s Starbucks,” Mary Hefner, a biology teacher, said as she recounted her experience. Teachers like Hefner were not prepared to play a game of survival in a foreign city. Many teachers who were sent to Mainland China started contacting the school’s IT department because their Google was not working. And many other monolingual teachers were having trouble talking to the natives. Hefner, who was assigned
to teach in Beijing, described one of her many predicaments as a foreigner. “I don’t speak Chinese. And so when I went to a store to buy some masks, I was pantomiming: ‘I NEED MASKS. HOW MUCH MONEY [with incomprehensible hand gestures].’” And when stores didn’t accept her dollars, she was shocked. “We were talking about this culture shock and adjustment among the teachers. Nearly everyone experienced something similar to this. Now I finally understand what international students go through coming
to NMH.” On the other hand, off-campus student Fontis Hsieh ’23 was delighted. “After a year of virtual learning, I am finally able to talk with my classmates face-to-face. Classes aren’t nearly as boring, and I also made some new Taiwanese friends,” Hsieh said in relief. All NMH students in Taiwan congregated at their sub-branch of NMH. It was nothing different from the Gill campus, except for the urban context and a tighter configuration of academic buildings, which Hsieh especially liked. The classroom setting fostered conversations that were unachievable on Zoom. “People are chiming in so comfortably and naturally,” Hsieh said. She is also resuming her morning routine during freshman year, waking up at 6:30 a.m. daily. “Physically, I feel more healthy. And I finally got rid of my reclusive lifestyle,” she reflected. With afternoon athletics mandatory, Hsieh went to the gym every day at 3 o’clock. When the 8–10 p.m. study hall returned, she and her friends became much more productive and motivated to learn. Before this transition, Hsieh recalled that “emailing back and forth with teachers and doing group projects with peers in completely different time zones really got out of hand.” Now, Hsieh is savoring this new normal. “I hope this continues.”
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The Battle to Conserve Cutler By Sophia Woo ’23 With the construction of the Gilder Science Center nearing completion, the demolition of our beloved Cutler Science Center is imminent. Students and faculty alike are taking time to say goodbye, but some aren’t quite ready. One of these people is school archivist Peter Weis. “I watched Cutler go up and I’m not old, so how can it be old?” asked Weis. Individuals like Weis have banded together to call themselves the Cutler Conservationists, arguing that the demolition of Cutler is unnecessary. A core value of theirs is that Cutler is central to the school’s character and atmosphere. If it were to be demolished, the image of the
school would be destroyed along with it. “When the time comes, I vow to chain myself to Cutler,” said Weis. “It is my duty as the school archivist. This building must absolutely stay.” Several other students and faculty who are part of the Cutler Conservationists have also vowed to chain themselves to protest the demolition of the building. “I really loved the back of the building,” another student said. “My boyfriend did too. It was our favorite spot. I’m really sad to see it go. If there’s a chance that this building might be saved, I’m going to take it.” Tabatha Collins, a science teacher and a passionate member of the Cutler Conservationists, expressed, “I don’t think I can function without touching Cutler’s nose at least once a day. Every second I’m away from it, I go a little bit
more insane. Do you want me to go insane?” The school offered a compromise to allow Collins to keep Cutler’s bust, so that she may enjoy its company for as long as she likes after the building is demolished. She declined, saying, “It just wouldn’t be the same.” As the Cutler Conservationists anxiously await the demolition day, they are holding weekly meetings on Saturday afternoons in the library basement to discuss what other actions they may take to save their beloved science building. Recently, they have started to hold fundraisers selling various pastries to raise money for a long and durable chain. They hope that their passion in protecting Cutler will touch the hearts of the NMH community and encourage more people to join their cause. As one Cutler Conservationist stated, “They can’t bulldoze through all of us.”
The soon-to-be-demolished Cutler Science Center — and center of the Cutler Conservationists’ hearts. Photo by Ripley Walker ’24.
Tug of War with Mathematics By Ashley Rakotoarivo ’24
Photo by Sofia Lozano ’22.
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There are two types of people in the world: those who enjoy math and those who don’t. What if there was someone who used to dislike math greatly, but later won one of the greatest awards for mathematicians? Does that sound impossible? Meet Autumn Hood ’23, someone who used to constantly express her disinterest
in math and how she has never particularly been a fan of it. She has previously said that math is “impractical” and how she would “never use the Pythagorean theorem outside of Geometry class.” This all changed when, one day, Autumn was sitting in her Geometry class, and boom! She came up with a new formula that will be loved by math teachers all over the world but only make children
hate Geometry even more. Autumn created the formula to figure out an easier way to find the side length of a triangle that will be used in math classrooms across the country. Now, Autumn has turned all of her rage against math into something spectacular from a teacher’s perspective. This formula has taken the entire world by surprise and landed her a Fields Medal! Please congratulate Autumn on discovering this new formula!
How to Get an in HUM A comprehensive guide for the unsuspecting student (results vary based on the teacher)
By Lulu Calame ’23 1. Never annotate with a highlighter. The efficiency and logic of this tool is met with disregard in the humanities department — faculty take the rugged approach to make their own life harder by limiting their stationery tools to a single black ball-point pen, so you should too. 2. Be discreet about the nature of your life outside HUM class. Your teachers are not always aware that you have other commitments, or that you think about anything else but HUM. This becomes a sensitive topic because every activity you do outside class is viewed as a dispensable commitment that can be replaced with more reading. 3. Avoid making plans — homework doesn’t allow it. If you are someone who values your personal academic standing, having outside plans separate from dissecting philosophy or reading about the Mongols will not do you any good. 4. When in doubt, disagree. Religion is not always tangible, so there is usually room to take another philosophical side. This makes you look different. If you can, try to disagree with any available student knowingly disliked by the teacher. This will differentiate the two of you and prove that your ideas are superior. 5. Try to find the least noticeable part of the text and reference it in your homework. HUM is not as deep as it seems, and your
teachers are smart enough to see through your redundant additions to discussion. What will stick in their head, however, is if you make a point to cite an obscure quote from the reading (along with the page number, of course). They will like that — you obviously are deeply invested in the topic. 6. Expect a 1:10 assignment-turnaround ratio. Remember, your only purpose is HUM, but your teacher has
a packed schedule. You get a night to write the essay. They deserve two weeks to grade it. 7. When asked, critique yourself too harshly. When they want to know how YOU think you’re doing in their class, put yourself down. This is a sly way to get your teacher to compliment you — a strategic mental game that puts you on a pedestal in their head. Of course, there is always the chance that you
really are a bad humanities student. If so, try referring to the rules listed above. 8. Every two or three nights, send a clarification email about homework. These emails can range from asking about page numbers to “no one else in the class read this section but I thought we were supposed to, so should I read it?” (this tactic also puts you on a helpful pedestal as someone who
does the most). Proving your deep and utter commitment to the topic will cause your teacher to see themselves in you. This is a good thing for your academic experience in their class. 9. If you haven’t spoken in a discussion yet, the purpose of humanity is always to be a crowd-pleaser. Most topics in both history and religion can be tied, if one is tactical, to the Meaning of Humanity and the Basic Human Problem (try discussing corruption and selfishness, it works).
Highlighters are for the weak. Photo by YeriLee (via Pixabay).
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What Lies Underneath Cutler? By Ripley Walker ’24 and Tiffany Rivera ’24 Over the past couple of weeks, multiple reports of disappearing students have been disregarded by the school. The administration has decided to refrain from releasing any information pertaining to who is missing and what has happened to them. The Bridge received an anonymous tip that the students have gone missing due to an unauthorized exploration of Cutler. Several conspiracists have come up with the idea that the students’ disappearance is to conceal any evidence of an alternate dimension below Cutler. Cutler Science Center was constructed in 1964, but sadly it is being demolished. We have received permission to interview science teacher Mary Hefner, one of the
people who is in charge of the Cutler operation. The general message we received from Hefner was that “everything is going well and nothing suspicious is going on” — but we have reason to believe otherwise. When asked about the rumors that have been circulating in the community, Hefner stated, “First off, nobody is missing. There are some students who are in quarantine. Others, who are seniors, have been asked not to return to campus. NMH has everything under control.” Another subject during the interview was a huge, mysterious dome around Cutler, visible only to those who look hard enough. The dome is made of a reflective material that prevents outsiders from seeing inside. Hefner explained, “[NMH] has decided to delay [the demolition of
Cutler] so that people from off campus can conduct an environmental study in the area. Since there will be people who are coming on and off campus, we have decided to put a dome around the building to keep faculty and students from coming in contact with the deconstruction. I have nothing more to say on this question.” After hearing Hefner’s explanation, we couldn’t help but raise the question: why couldn’t the school just tell the students to stay away from the area? We decided to ask one more question about the conspiracies about an alternate dimension under Cutler. Hewfner said, “Once again, there is no alternate universe. There are no children missing. There was no keycard found by the entrance of the building, and there is nothing out of the ordinary about Cutler’s
demolition. Everything being said in the community is one big conspiracy theory.” That’s when we realized Hefner was embroiled in deception. We never mentioned anything about a keycard, let alone it being located anywhere near Cutler, and neither had our sources. After further investigation,
it turned out that the ID card mentioned by Hefner had belonged to one of the “quarantining students.” As we continue to uncover what lies beneath Cutler, we are still burdened by the fact that if these students did in fact disappear, we have no way to find out how they will be rescued.
Illustration by Chau Anh Nguyen ’22.
10 Ways to Stop Sleeping in Class zz z By Harene Kim ’23 Sleeping in class is a struggle that plagues both teachers and students alike. However, there are a few simple solutions that can eradicate this problem. 1. Instead of doing your homework, just go to sleep! Why waste time doing homework when you can be getting a good night’s rest? 2. Sit next to one of the
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“I-have-nothing-tocontribute-to-the-discussion-but-I-likeinterrupting-people” people. You’ll be way too overwhelmed with annoyance for sleep. 3. Have a snack or drink. Class is just background noise while you eat. Maybe some chips — make sure to open them as loudly as possible so you can wake yourself up. Chew with purpose, too.
4. Smack yourself (or ask your friends to smack you) occasionally. Painful, but not as much as the class. 5. Pretend you’re taking notes on your computer. But really, you can just be shopping or scrolling. 6. Feign a headache. If you’re going to sleep, you might as well be sleeping in the Health Center, not in Beveridge.
7. If your teacher seems to have a large ego (most do), ask about their past accomplishments. They’ll go on and on about the better times in their lives when they weren’t teaching sleepy kids like you. 8. Think about how unprepared you are for college. Anxiety is the best cure for sleep. 9. Chew gum obnoxiously. The combination of sickly loud noises in
your ear and the other students glaring at you will definitely keep you awake. 10. Lastly, if you ever do get caught sleeping in class, just raise your hand and say something random right after the teacher catches you. “[Insert name], wake up!” “I believe the economic benefits of this policy are outweighed by …”
NMH SHOOTS FOR MARS By Kwabena Appiah ’22 When you think about people going to the moon, who do you think of? Astronauts who have spent most of their lives training for a chance to go to space? Or high school kids who don’t really quite understand the basics of astrophysics yet? When it comes to advancements in the field of science space travel, no school does it better than Northfield Mount Hermon. The NMH Space Program Club, or NSPC for short, is a school-funded, multi-billion-dollar space program with one goal: the advancement of NMH students into the final frontier. And now it seems like the dream is becoming a reality. With huge strides in new space technology and biological achievements, we, the students of NMH, are now ready to set foot on Mars! The NSPC was created in 1970, a year after the United States became the first country to land on the moon. The club was created by a group of extraordinary, like-minded students who were inspired by NASA’s launch to the moon. At first, the new club was ridiculed and dismissed as a fantasy because of the absurdity of its claims. Sending students to the moon? No chance. Yet, after acquiring obscene amounts of money from the school (probably from students’ tuition
money), the NSPC quickly began to get to work and put all other clubs to shame. After just 20 years, in 1990, the club sent
their first team of astronauts to the moon! After a very successful moon landing, the NSPC began to set its sights on establishing the first ever boarding school on Mars. “What?” you may ask. “How is that even possible?” Well, science, people. Science is kind of like magic (if magic was real). More recently, in prepara-
tion for the launch to Mars, the club built two large spaceships with enough room to house about 10
Planet Mars: where no boarding school student has ever set foot… yet. Photo by Kevin M. Gill (via Flickr).
people. The spaceships were built using state-of-the-art materials straight from the NASA gift shop (how convenient!) and put together by overworked freshmen who were just looking for an easy club to join. In addition to spaceships, the club has also put together about three years worth of food for the crew, but they
will be expected to create a sustainable way to grow food on the planet in the foreseeable future. The club has also built a handy, industrial-sized 3D printer so that the crew doesn’t have to live inside a cramped spaceship for three years. And lastly, each crew member will have to learn how to swim just in case the spaceship runs out of fuel and they have to swim back to Earth because space is like one huge ocean, right? Right? After years of preparation (and truckloads of cash, of course), the Mars trip is now underway. On April 30, 2021, the NSPC will send a team of six students on a three-month, one-way trip to Mars. “There’s no way we are actually going to Mars,” says Tidiane Thiam ’23, one of the crew members. “I thought this club was supposed to be a joke...” Astronomy teacher and faculty advisor of NSPC Andy Corwin stated, “The students will stay [on Mars] for three years until another spaceship can be sent for a return trip back to earth. And thanks to Zoom, students will still be able to go to school alongside their daily Martian activities.” Corwin added, “I think this launch is impressive. It’s kind of a nice, little humble-brag against our competitor schools.”
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An An Argument Argument between between Grandpa Grandpa Cutler Cutler and and Teenager Teenager Gilder Gilder By Stella Zhu ’22 As Grandpa Cutler wobbled into the interview room with his walking stick, his grandson, Gilder, jumped along behind. They sat down on the hilly campus of Northfield Mount Hermon to share the highlights of their life and their accomplishments. “I was born at a time of hardship,” Grandpa Cutler looked afar at Memorial Chapel and sighed. “My father got burnt into a heap of ashes right before my birth. Despite the trauma, I held classes without my father. I hosted meetings without my father. I witnessed club meetings without my father,” Grandpa Cutler recalled his childhood memories mournfully. Gilder, an energetic teenager, interrupted his grandfather proclaiming, “Well, I am the smartest, most attractive, and most social person in this family. I provide students and faculty with the space to explore new programs. I am constantly engaged with ways to be more eco-friendly and efficient. I adopted the plans of using cross-laminated timber, local granite and slate, and bird-friendly glass that lowers the risk of birds flying into windows.” “I’m proud of you, young Gilder. Your enthusiasm reminds me of when I was young. When first built over 50 years ago, I had the most modern equipment available at the time, with fully functioning fume hoods, spacious lab facilities, and large class-
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Illustration by Janice Cho’21
rooms with plenty of natural light. I know my windows have turned cloudy over the years, the heating and ventilation has been rough, and my fume hoods have gotten less reliable. Yet, I still love to see the students come streaming through the front doors and rub ol’ Cutler’s nose before they head up to AP Chemistry.”
“Science just isn’t taught in a lab, Grandpa. We are going to take classes to the river, the farm, the woods — wherever we can find science to explore. And we’re going to be able to teach math and science in the same building! Math classes will be able to use the makerspace to try out modeling and coding, and use measurement probes to test out functions
with real applications.” Grandpa Cutler nodded approvingly at his grandson and said, “This is what I admire about your generation. Your generation is adaptive to changes and is curious to explore and innovate. I hope when I pass away, you will continue to grow and learn from your peers and elders.” Gilder stood up from the
table and walked across to his grandpa and hugged him. “I will not let you down, Grandpa Cutler. You served generations of NMH students faithfully and well, and I can only hope that when I’m your age, my students will still be just as excited to learn and grow as yours are today.”
Four Hoggers’ Freaky Friday By Alex Tse ’24 What would you do if you experienced a real-life Freaky Friday? It is a movie where two people switch bodies and are forced to adapt to each other’s life for one friday. Nhu Gonzalez, a chemistry teacher at NMH, let out a deafening scream as she woke up to the sight of her own face. That’s when she discovered she was in her husband Grant Gonzalez’s body… and Grant was in hers. Nhu and Grant quickly realized that, despite this switch, they still had each other’s obligations and classes to teach. Everything was running smoothly for Nhu in the morning and afternoon from teaching Grant’s Social Entrepreneurship Class to having meetings with colleagues, but that didn’t last long. It soon came time for track practice. According to Nhu, you couldn’t pay her a million dollars to run; she would always “find a way not to.” However, track coach Grant runs every day, and the rare days that he doesn’t are his most “horrible days.” Having no idea how to coach, Nhu demanded that everyone run 30 miles. “This is track, not cross country,” students complained, but they did what they were told. In the end, over half of the team either fainted or injured themselves and were promptly sent to the health center or the trainers. Grant’s experience in Nhu’s body was not much better. Grant had to teach Nhu’s Honors Chemistry Class, but he didn’t have the slightest
idea of how to conduct an experiment. Vaguely remembering a fireworks experiment Nhu had told him about, Grant decided to demonstrate the experiment in front of the class. He ground up a great deal of zinc powder until it was extremely fine — forgetting that Nhu had told him that the finer the zinc powder is, the more violent the explosion. When he added a few drops of water, it started to crackle, and BOOM! It shot up, blowing a huge hole in the ceiling and almost setting the entire lab on fire. The fireworks continued as the students screamed with horror on their faces as Grant, or Nhu, ran the other way with one eyebrow burnt off. On the same morning,
dance teacher Gretel Schatz woke up in an unfamiliar room. She looked around, perplexed, until she realized that she was in Ford Cottage. When she looked at the mirror, she saw Brian Hargrove’s facing staring right back at her. Her eyes widened with horror. It took her a few moments to compose herself as she realized that she was the Head of School. She could do anything. Her first order of business was to hold an all-school meeting and announce that everyone was having a Head of School Dance Day! No classes for students — only dancing and having fun. Gretel-as-Brian proceeded to lead the dance party and invited all faculty, staff, and students
to participate because “everyone can dance.” To top it all off, she invited Brian’s close friend Beyoncé onto campus for a concert. The same day, Brian woke up to find himself in an NMH dance company hoodie and tights. It didn’t take him long to see that he wasn’t himself. Brushing his teeth, he looked at the mirror quizzically, studying his new facial features. He heard some music come on in the room next door and felt the rhythm coursing through his veins. He felt a tingle in his feet as his body took over. He started to dance through the house doing improvisations to songs in the garage, dining room, and kitchen. Pirouettes, leaps, and chasse’s — he just couldn’t
stop. It was like his body had a mind of its own. After dancing through the house, Brian went down to the RAC to teach the Dance Company. Not knowing anything about dance, he demonstrated a few moves to the class. He kicked his leg up into an arabesque so high that it made a loud crack. He wanted to see what else his new body could do. He started to play some music and asked the students to follow his lead. Gretel’s body took him away and it was like he knew all the moves. He performed so many complex moves that no one could keep up with him. He left the Dance Company students exhausted, looking like they just had run a marathon.
Grant-as-Nhu (left) before burning off an eyebrow and Gretel (right) after a delightful dance session. Photos by Ripley Walker ’24.
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Bagel Enthusiasm Sweeps Across Campus By Jessi Shin ’24 “We love bagels and bagels love us.” This is the very mantra that every Bagel Enthusiast lives by. Bagel Enthusiasm is a belief that has spread rapidly throughout the NMH student body. Bagel Enthusiasts believe that the bagel is the best snack and breakfast menu item. “Who doesn’t like a bagel? It’s our savior,” stated Bagel Enthusiast Lilly Elliott ’24. She explained further that “bagels have saved [students] from the tragedies of piled up assignments, exams, and busy mornings.” Bagel Enthusiasm is presumed to have existed quietly among students for years until quickly growing as in-dorm breakfasts became a popular option. For those unfamiliar with the “bagel,” bagels are a widely popular breakfast
On this beautiful yet somber Sunday afternoon, we are gathered here today to celebrate a beautiful soul who left
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minority of students have actually expressed their dislike of bagels. “I don’t know why people like them,” Amira Makhmudova ’24 said. “The people in my dorm are obsessed with bagels!” Her opinion was supported by a few others who feel that bagels are unnecessarily worshipped in the NMH community. They claim that bagels are unhealthy and also are not good enough to be consumed every day. However, neither the haters nor the calories can stop Bagel Enthusiasm. As Bagel Enthusiast Brania Tzou ’23 stated, “Bagels are unhealthy but tasty.”
Love for this humble bread product has taken the campus by storm. Photo by Liz West (via Flickr).
option that NMH provides to students. They are often eaten with cream cheese or jam. Every week, there are various types of bagels that are stocked in the dorm, such as raisin bagels or everything bagels. Due to their simplicity, tastiness, and convenience, the bagels have seized their
number one dorm snack trophy already. The toasters in the mornings are always occupied with bagels constantly being toasted in them. In correlation, the statistics show that the bagel depletion rate is higher than everything else. “It’s crazy,” Frances Duncan, dorm head of Hubbard, said,
In Memory of the Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine By Mike Stanley ’23
“[Students are] absolutely obsessed with bagels. The bagels are long gone before restock, always.” In a scientifically credible survey with the entire NMH student body, eight out of every 10 students answered that bagels are the best dorm snack and nine out of 10 students said that they eat at least one bagel a week. “I eat bagels every day after study hall… and also every morning,” said Julia Goh ’24 while holding a half-eaten everything bagel in her hand. Gina Atwood ’21 commented, “[Bagels] are amazing and I actually cannot live without them.” On the other hand, a
us far too soon. The loss was so unexpected that none of us got to have a proper goodbye. Your soft, cold embrace on my tongue sparked a smile twice a day for my whole 195 days of freshmen year. You created an infectious warmth and joy throughout the campus that was completely unmatchable,
and I still think about it to this day. From the start of this school year, walks to the dining hall have been less motivated without the notion of arriving to see you. You and your metallic, silver form would toil and toil for hundreds of kids to provide five minutes of
Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.
pure joy and solidified sugar and milk. would say hello to me at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, all seven days of the week, and were a familiar face even when not being used. When I first didn’t see you in the dining hall, my heart dropped to the floor. I inquired about your where-
abouts and no clear response ensued. I no longer felt the strength to walk to the dining hall. The joy you created is no longer there. Heartbroken, I just knew I needed time to reflect on this loss. Soft serve ice cream machine, you will never be forgotten.
Kitty Pulls a Prank
By Emiliano Roth ‘23 My name is Emile Roth, and yes, I draw comics. Over the summer, I decided I had to make use of my free time during COVID, so I started to draw a comic a day. The main character of the comic is called Kitty, and the comics are about some of the everyday adventures that he goes through.
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