RIDING HERD by Lee Pitts
A Losing Proposition
P
eople have been going on diets long before Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers or Oprah Winfrey. The first diet was probably William the Conquerer’s all-alcohol diet. Once morbidly obese, William lost so much weight he was able to start riding his much-loved horse again. Then he promptly died in a horse riding accident. Proving that everything old is new again, in the 1960s a couple of authors revisited the alcohol diet and wrote two books called The Drinking Man’s Diet and Martinis and Whipped Cream. My old man was on the same alcohol diet the entire time I knew him and he eventually lost 200 pounds of ugly fat all in one day! People are so desperate to lose weight they torture themselves with colonic cleanings, enemas and gross green milkshakes. A friend of mine even hangs himself upside down every day to redistribute his weight but now instead of having 46 inch hips he
has a 46 inch neck. Another friend tried the in your mouth. His idea came to be called no white-food diet to prove he wasn’t a “Fletcherism” and Dr. Kellogg even wrote a racist. His goal on January first was to lose slow-chewing song you sang between bites. 30 pounds in 2021. He only has 50 It’s been said that if you want a new idea pounds to go. read an old book and many diet cookbook Many doctors have gotten rich on diets authors just recycled old ideas. One popular they devised. In 1890 Dr. Edward Dewey diet book in 1998 was called Lose Weight came up with a no-breakfast diet about the With Apple Vinegar but Lord Byron first same time Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, a staff drenched all his food in vinegar in 1811 and physician at the Battle Creek Sanatorium, he went from 194 pounds to 130 pounds was promoting vegetarianism, pure food, but became an old sour puss in the process. calorie counting, colonic cleanses, and slow You may think that Dr. Atkins came up with chewing. Dr. Kellogg was kinda weird but the high protein diet but a London underhe could afford to be because two products taker first promoted the idea in 1860! he invented, toasted flakes and granola, Selling diet books has been a get rich quick made him millions. Another 19th century scheme for doctors ever since the first one weirdo was a preacher whose nickname from a commercial publisher was printed was Dr. Sawdust and when I tell you his in 1950. This unleashed a torrent of such name you’ll know why: Reverend Sylvester books including The Pritikin Program for Diet Graham. He preached that gluttony was a and Exercise, Sugar Busters, Protein Power, sin that led to the raising of unhealthy chil- The Carbohydrate Addict’s Diet, The Scarsdale dren. The Reverend advocated a diet of his Diet (written by a man who was murdered Graham Crackers, vegetables and water. I by his lover), The South Beach Diet, The don’t think you’d actually live longer but it Beverly Hills Diet, and Calories Don’t Count by would darn sure feel like it. Herman Taller who was found guilty of mail Dr. James Salisbury came up with a diet fraud for selling worthless safflower pills that included hot water and his minced through the mail. meat patties which would come to be Some diet plans were downright dancalled Salisbury steak. I actually like it if you gerous. In 1976 osteopath Robert Linn sold drench it in gravy and eat it with a baked drinks made from animal tendons and potato filled with butter. But I suppose that hides that killed an estimated 58 people. kinda defeats the whole purpose. And the Cambridge Diet, which consisted The “slow-chewing movement” was of protein drinks sold through a pyramid started over a century ago by Horace scheme, killed 30 people. Fletcher who was denied life insurance I myself have toyed with the idea of because he was so fat. He said you should writing a diet book and have a few ideas chew your food until it was in a liquid state including the If It Tastes Good Spit It Out Diet, The Keep Your Mouth Shut Diet, Eat All You Want of Everything You Don’t Like Diet and The Lee Pitts’ Don’t Diet But Die Happy Cookbook.
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DECEMBER 2021
