Let’s Not Roll: Companies Put the Brakes on Self-Driving Cars

By Elliot C. Phool

As residents of Noe Valley, you may have noticed dozens of cars cruising around our neighborhood without drivers in the past few years. These are fully autonomous vehicles, robots if you will. And so far they’ve compiled a good safety record.

But if they seem to be loitering at intersections or driving around aimlessly, it’s because they were hit hard in the latest round of tech layoffs.

“The cost of operating the driverless cars was too much, and unfortunately we had to let them go,” explains Otto

Motiff, a spokesman for Funston Street car maker WayNo. “But all cars were given strong severance packages: a full tank of gas and a new pine tree air freshener.”

Once hoping to replace human drivers, companies such as WayNo, NoVa, and GoWay built cars equipped with enough sensors and artificial intelligence to comfortably drive themselves. However, with the tech economy skidding, manufacturers were forced to cut costs.

Motiff said shareholders had urged WayNo to hire cheaper human employees, who often excel in the pick-’emup, drop-’em-off service model.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 7 TOWED

Meanwhile, vehicle rights activist Ethel Unledded has demanded the selfdrivers be reinstalled in their jobs. “These poor cars aren’t trained to do anything else,” she said. “They will need serious counseling to land back on their wheels.”

Some cars have been able to find work, though. One was signed on by the Postal Service but is having trouble reading addresses. Another tried crosscountry trucking but couldn’t haul enough freight. In desperation, many have resorted to illegal gigs, such as being a getaway car.

Whole Foods manager Tom Joad told the Voice that a car came in recently to interview for an automated checkout stand position.

Joad said, “I felt bad, but it just didn’t have the people skills we were looking for.”

We don’t just talk the talk, we walk the walk.

Our care is one-of-a kind. We don't just treat symptoms. We treat your child from the inside out.

We find the right remedy. We gladly offer safe alternatives to antibiotics when appropriate.

We offer house calls. Kids don’t come with manuals. Let us be your village.

We’re always here. Your GetzWell pediatrician is available 24/7. Just call or email. We’ll answer.

We are what we eat.

We believe nutrition and functional medicine are powerful ingredients for growing kids.