Hollis...................Living With a Roomate Who Likes Music

Living with a roommate who likes music (aka this ucking kid)

by Jamie Holiss

Hello. Do you know about bands such as Sunn 0))), Merzbow, and 3oh3? If you are reading this magazine, then you probably do, you miserable ingrate. My name is Jamie Holis – I’m repeating myself because I know you have short term memory from all the drugs – and I am a roommate of a writer for this publication. (Hint: his first name rhymes with “DICKsco,” and his last name rhymes with “DICKward”). Before I had this person as my roommate, my life was okay. I was able to listen to Taylor Swift and Maroon 5 without worrying about whether or not my audio quality was at least 320kbps mp3. Before I had this roommate, I wanted to listen to music that made me feel good about myself, rather than music which sounded like sad vacuum cleaners. Because of my shitty roommate, my ability to relate to a significant portion of the population was lost. The first thing my roommate showed me was “shewgais.” What a terrible name. Why are the performers staring at the ground looking sad? I want to see their smiling faces. You can tell from the recordings that they must have been looking down and not at their music equipment because if they were looking at their music equipment, they’d be able to see that it SOUNDS LIKE GARBAGE. Bullet For My Valentine is such a terrible band. Kevin Shields is such a sad man. He just whines all the time with a really high pitched voice. He sounds nothing like Dwayne the Rock Johnson, Macho Man Randy Savage, or any other WWE Wrestler. Lordy, lordy, lord. Next, my roommate showed me Sunn 0))). Jesus Christ. I thought Bullet for my Valentine was bad, but WOWEE. This is literally so sad. If Bullet for My Valentine was a Sad Vacuum Cleaner, then oh boy, THIS BAND WAS THE SADDEST VACUUM CLEANER I’ve ever seen. I was worried that this Vacuum was going through divorce. Maybe lost out on the stocks. Oh geez. The kids these days. First, there is shoegaze, then Noise, then Vaporwave, where does it end? One time I was walking to the LDC, and I was whistling “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift (aka one of the HAPPIEST songs that I know), and my roommate stops me and says “YOU’RE INTO WHISTLECORE? DUDE I’M INTO WHISTLECORE TOO!” and this he showed me this one song about shooting up a school, and it made me feel not good. Not to mention, this “guy” makes music as well. But he doesn’t make nice sounding music like the good musicians that I like. What a character. One time, I was returning from an exam, and I had had a rough day, and I open my room, and do you know what I see? This motherfucker was playing a text-to-speech of Mien Kampf! When I asked him what it was, he replied “Nazicore.” I Responded “Dear Roommate, that is anti-Semitic and a very offensive thing to say.” Do you know how he responded? He just stared me in the eyes and said, “You’re gonna call me offensive while your scarfing down that big Mac in your fucking Toyota with you god damn SheepPhone? Have you even heard of Monsanto?” It just seems like there is no end in sight. First he’s listening to sad vacuums and then he’s talking about FLAC, and I just don’t know what to say. You quote unquote music lovers are really something else. Why can’t you listen to nicer music? You know? Maybe you’d cheer up a bit and not be so sad at parties.