Kutikkad.............A Vindication of David Archuleta

I remember the first time I heard about David Archuleta like it was yesterday. It was after Computer Skills class in the seventh grade. The Missouri public schooling system was treating me well. My hairdresser at Gr8 Clips had just cut my hair while it was parted the wrong way so my hair was boldly lopsided in what I liked to think of as ethnic chic. I was on the downwards trajectory after my peak in the 3rd grade but I felt good so it was fine.

After Computer Skills, a group of gals converged outside the class to discuss hot gossip (American Idol). If I’m being honest with you, I was kind of a dweeb back then. The sexy cool girl you’re picturing from the paragraph above is an iLLusion wAKE UP. I still watched PBS and mostly just read all the time (so much so that my parents tried to tell me that I was going to lose my vision if I kept reading?idk. Seems like a weird parenting call to me but what do I know i’m just a successful working-class mother of three.) ANyway my point here is that I didn’t watch much TV and definitely didn’t watch American Idol. Idol was in the gripping throes of its seductive(?) showdown between David Cook and David Archuleta and this was Important Because They Were Both Named David And That Was Shocking In A Predominantly Christian Nation Where David Hasn’t Slipped Out Of The Top Twenty Boy Names For Almost A Century,..... but I digress.. The Gals were gravely discussing which David would win. Apparently liking David Archuleta was a pretty lame move because everyone was of the strong opinion that David Cook was the sure champ. Then they turned to me: “What do you think, Urmila?”

Oh god. What a d00zy. I didn’t watch this show!!? They honestly could have asked me if I thought Steve Buscemi was gonna win and I probably would’ve scratched my chin and said that his baritone could be more robust but fuck it the crowd loved him and I was a sucker for his breathy falsetto. I wanted to be honest but also I didn’t want to be a noob so I went for it: “David Cook for sure,” I said, widening my eyes and nodding gravely so they really knew I watched this fucking show.

It was a success I nailed it they totally bought it. But just to be safe, I went home that day and began to watch American Idol. And as I watched, slowly but surely, horror cracked over me like somebody had cracked an egg filled with horror over me. I realized I had misspoken earlier; I WOULDN’T HAVE VERBALLY ENDORSED DAVID COOK IF I HAD KNOWN THAT DAVID ARCHULETA WAS AN ACTUAL PRINCE. gOD.

To “get real” here, David Archuleta is an honestly talented musician. This is actually undeniable. Even at the age of 16, when he was on American Idol, he had a tone reminiscent of Julianne Moore holding a corn husk filled with honey. If you’re unclear about what that is supposed to connotate, get a life it means his tone is sweet and beautiful and outta this world. He has a killer range and can riff beautifully, but also has a musician’s sense of restraint. Watch him sing “Apologize” alongside OneRepublic and tell me you don’t feel it too. I’m aware that some of his professionally produced content sucks but at least grant him that he’s a talented boy. And to top it all off, he is a soft-spoken sweetheart prince from Utah with a baby face and a gold heart. (If you can’t tell I undoubtedly had a thing for David Archuleta back in the day? Quite the departure from my first celebrity crush: Antonio Banderas in his role as The Dad from Spy Kids, for which he was nominated for no less than 17 Oscars by The Academy (((((& two Sexxiest Mustache awards by me ;))

Looking at his post-Idol work, David arguably enjoyed some success when he released the best song of the century, “Crush.” This may lead some of you to argue that he was a one-hit wonder.,

We gotta rally as poets and lovers to lift David Archuleta’s name outta the mud. I don’t even get it; he’s a nice boy who can sing and had a smash single that unified a broken nation when nothing else could. What is not to like???????? I have no regrets in life except the one time outside Computer Skills class when I had a chance to vindicate this prince among men and I didn’t. Now I’m here to redeem myself, and I humbly invite you to do the same!!!!!