“How I Won Twitter Without Anyone Noticing” by Ayana Lance

Or: “Using a Free Publication to Increase Your Non-Existent Social Media Presence”

BY AYANA LANCE

2014 was a big year for Twitter. Researchers have been able to trace the beginning of Twitter’s upswing in cleverness, personality, and talent to a single date: January 4, 2014. In fact they have even been able to pinpoint the exact tweet that prompted this sudden upward trend in awesomeness. The first tweet from the handle @pantypunkparty. Which just so happens to be mine:

And I know it might sound like I’m being a grade-A pompous ass. But my dopeness isn’t a product of self illusion on an inflated ego but is in fact based on absolute science. Like Bill Nye level shit, yo. Trust me. My twitter game runs too deep. Like the rivers of Hades deep, which I assume is hella deep (Get it Hades, Hell-a) . I deal with the afterlife.

I offer solutions to some of the greatest problems in American society:

I ask the tough questions:

My intellectual prowess and my humanitarian efforts might seem extraordinary. But I ensure you that I’m still down to earth. I’m just like most of you. I have embarrassing parents.

But most importantly, I know how it’s like to feel underappreciated and unnoticed. I know what’s it like to be a star surrounded by streetlamps and neon signs.

So the real question that everyone needs to ask ourselves: If someone gave you the keys to the castle, why the fuck are you sleeping outside? Come inside. The bass is blasting. The beats are tight. Cinderella getting crunk tonight. The best party is a @pantypunkparty.