”Female Musicians I Would Body Swap With” by Cisco Hayward

Female Musicians I Would Body Swap With / Cisco Hayward

Because, I mean, come on. Like, who wouldn’t, ya know?

5. Alice Glass

Do I even have to explain? Like, I mean, she’s so cool! Have you listened to Crystal Castles? Have you even heard that shit? That wasn’t even her “full artistic vision” for crying out loud, and it was still FUCKING SWEET. Come on, you know what I’m talking about. Who wouldn’t want to be this blue-haired industrial noise-pop badass? Who the fuck wouldn’t want to become this person?

4. Grace Slick

I mean come on!!!!!! Have you heard “Somebody to Love”? Grace Slick is what Janis Joplin would’ve been if she was talented. Grace Slick is one of the quintessential female vocalists, and yeah I know, “girls singing,” whatever, but like Grace Slick made that shit COOL. Grace Slick is the queen of psychedelic rock, no butts about it.

3. Yasuko Onoki

Okay, I bet none of y’all even know who she is, so what I want you to do is go listen to “Fetch” by Melt Banana right now, and then when you come back you will see why I want to become this woman. She is so freaking cool, Melt Banana is like this weird blend of metal, shoegaze, and punk thrown into a blender and pitch-shifted up five octaves. Do you hear the noises this woman makes on that album? She is a punk matriarch! And not like a shitty no-fi punk matriarch, like this girl knows what a decibel is. She’s like super smart and hella talented.

2. Amber Coffman

Alright, y’all gotta know about Dirty Projectors. Let me tell you something right now: Amber Coffman is the most beautiful vocalist I have ever heard of all genders, period. I am actually mad at David Longstreth because he got to marry this exceptional human being. If I were body swapped with Amber Coffman, the first thing I would do is break up with David Longtreth, and then go marry me and body swap back into myself so I could be married to this angel. I would be perfectly content to ruin David Longstreth’s life in order to marry this woman. She literally sounds like God. Its fucking crazy.

1. Kyary Pamyu Pamyu

Okay, now I know what you’re thinking, “Cisco you only wanna be Kiyari Pamiyu Pamiyu [I’m spelling it wrong because that’s how your ignorant brain talks probably] because of your Asian fetish!” Stop that shit right now. Do you know why I have an Asian fetish? It’s because of this woman! Like seriously, fuck Avril Lavigne, Kyary Pamyu Pamyu is kawaii personified. This woman is a pop-art princess whose music and visual aesthetic IS Japan. Every time I see a picture of Kyary Pamyu Pamyu I kind of faint because I get swept up in the wonderful aura of love that she provides to me and millions of other people around the globe. She is the spirit of Pop idealized into material form, and to be her would be an honor.